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1
00:00:01,500 --> 00:00:06,800
Synced by emmasan
www.addic7ed.com
2
00:00:34,800 --> 00:00:39,900
Siri, how many fans were upset
that I sold "Star Wars" to Disney?
3
00:00:40,000 --> 00:00:42,200
Approximately 200 million.
4
00:00:42,700 --> 00:00:47,500
And how many of those fans
donated $4 billion to charity?
5
00:00:47,600 --> 00:00:49,000
None of them, George.
6
00:00:49,000 --> 00:00:51,400
When's the next showing
of Steven's movie?
7
00:00:51,500 --> 00:00:54,700
The next showing of Mr.
Spielberg's movie is 7:30.
8
00:00:54,800 --> 00:00:55,900
Would you like tickets?
9
00:00:55,900 --> 00:00:58,600
Sure, and, uh, do you speak Bocce?
10
00:00:58,700 --> 00:01:01,000
Bocce is a fictional language in the
"Star Wars" universe.
11
00:01:01,000 --> 00:01:03,600
It does not exist,
therefore I cannot speak it.
12
00:01:03,600 --> 00:01:06,800
Siri, who shot first... Han or Greedo?
13
00:01:06,800 --> 00:01:09,700
Whatever you say, George.
Whatever you say.
14
00:01:10,500 --> 00:01:13,400
The new iPhone. It's waiting for you!
15
00:01:18,700 --> 00:01:20,600
Excuse me, I want to buy
16
00:01:20,700 --> 00:01:23,100
the thing that I saw on the
TV with the George Lucas...
17
00:01:23,100 --> 00:01:24,300
the girl in the phone.
18
00:01:24,300 --> 00:01:28,700
Girl? In the phone? Um, I'm not sure
I know what you're talking about.
19
00:01:29,700 --> 00:01:31,300
We have a lot of stuff in our phones,
20
00:01:31,300 --> 00:01:33,900
but I'm not sure if girls come in the phone.
21
00:01:33,900 --> 00:01:34,800
I wish.
22
00:01:34,900 --> 00:01:36,300
[beep] You know
what I'm talking about!
23
00:01:36,400 --> 00:01:37,700
Y'all made the damn commercial...
24
00:01:37,800 --> 00:01:39,100
the one with George Lucas,
25
00:01:39,100 --> 00:01:41,300
and the phone was, like, a smart woman.
26
00:01:41,400 --> 00:01:43,200
Oh, you're talking about Siri,
27
00:01:43,300 --> 00:01:45,700
the personal voice-activated
assistant on the iPhone.
28
00:01:45,800 --> 00:01:47,700
Well, the iPhones are right over here.
29
00:01:49,700 --> 00:01:51,200
I can't read a screen that small!
30
00:01:51,300 --> 00:01:53,100
I'm old! I need something bigger!
31
00:01:55,900 --> 00:01:57,400
Maybe I should get one of those.
32
00:01:57,500 --> 00:01:59,500
So now you want a laptop.
33
00:01:59,600 --> 00:02:00,900
Yes, but I still want the woman.
34
00:02:00,900 --> 00:02:02,400
- Siri?
- Whatever the bitch name is,
35
00:02:02,500 --> 00:02:04,700
yes! I want her, but I want her in this!
36
00:02:04,900 --> 00:02:07,100
I want the computer woman in the commercial.
37
00:02:07,200 --> 00:02:09,100
I want it on that.
Oh, you know what else?
38
00:02:09,200 --> 00:02:10,400
I saw another commercial.
39
00:02:10,500 --> 00:02:12,800
Do y'all have that screen
thing that you can, like,
40
00:02:12,900 --> 00:02:14,700
touch the screen instead of typing?
41
00:02:14,900 --> 00:02:17,100
- You mean the iPad?
- Yes, iPad.
42
00:02:17,200 --> 00:02:18,200
I want that, too.
43
00:02:18,200 --> 00:02:20,600
So you want to buy all
three of these devices?
44
00:02:20,600 --> 00:02:22,300
That's a fantastic idea.
45
00:02:22,300 --> 00:02:25,300
No, no, I want it all in one device,
please. Thank you.
46
00:02:25,400 --> 00:02:27,000
You want that all in one?
47
00:02:27,000 --> 00:02:28,100
Yes, please.
48
00:02:28,200 --> 00:02:29,800
- You can't have it all in one.
- Well, why not?
49
00:02:30,000 --> 00:02:32,400
Um, because it's not possible.
50
00:02:32,400 --> 00:02:34,700
Look, I think you're a little confused.
51
00:02:34,700 --> 00:02:37,200
Okay, first of all, you
can wipe that look off your face.
52
00:02:37,200 --> 00:02:39,300
Now, I might not be the toughest dude,
53
00:02:39,300 --> 00:02:42,500
but I know I can kick an
Apple worker's ass, okay?
54
00:02:42,900 --> 00:02:45,800
Now, I'm not crazy.
I want one of these computers
55
00:02:45,900 --> 00:02:48,200
with the touch-screen thingy on these
56
00:02:48,200 --> 00:02:51,300
with the computer broad on
the commercial from these.
57
00:02:51,300 --> 00:02:53,400
I want it all in that. Thank you.
58
00:02:53,700 --> 00:02:54,600
You can't.
59
00:02:54,700 --> 00:02:58,400
Y'all made all this [beep]. You
can't put it into one goddamn device?!
60
00:02:58,400 --> 00:03:02,800
Whose idea was that?! I got to buy
18 [beep] pieces of $1,000 plastic
61
00:03:02,800 --> 00:03:05,400
when all y'all got to do is put
this [beep] into one device!
62
00:03:05,500 --> 00:03:06,400
I'm an old man!
63
00:03:06,400 --> 00:03:08,500
You can't pull this kind
of [beep] on old people!
64
00:03:08,500 --> 00:03:10,100
This is a [beep] rip-off!
65
00:03:10,100 --> 00:03:12,600
Ooh, I hope the geniuses
covered their ears on that!
66
00:03:12,700 --> 00:03:14,200
Don't look at me like that.
67
00:03:14,200 --> 00:03:16,600
[beep] Y'all! I'll take the damn phone!
68
00:03:22,600 --> 00:03:24,300
Behold... the future!
69
00:03:24,400 --> 00:03:26,100
You got yourself an iPhone?!
70
00:03:26,200 --> 00:03:27,800
An iPhone with
the new improved Siri!
71
00:03:27,900 --> 00:03:30,700
That ain't fair, granddad!
How much you spend on that?!
72
00:03:30,700 --> 00:03:31,800
Oh, not that much.
73
00:03:32,000 --> 00:03:33,100
I talked the guy down.
74
00:03:33,200 --> 00:03:35,700
The Apple store isn't
a used-car lot, granddad.
75
00:03:35,700 --> 00:03:38,700
- You can't talk 'em down.
- Granddad, we bankrupt!
76
00:03:38,800 --> 00:03:41,100
I know, but Siri is
going to help us fix all that.
77
00:03:41,100 --> 00:03:44,100
She's so smart, and she has all the answers.
78
00:03:44,200 --> 00:03:46,000
I don't think it
works like the commercials.
79
00:03:46,100 --> 00:03:48,700
You might want to lower your
expectations just a little.
80
00:03:48,700 --> 00:03:49,500
Siri?
81
00:03:49,500 --> 00:03:50,800
It is a pleasure meeting you, sir.
82
00:03:50,800 --> 00:03:52,200
May I ask for your name?
83
00:03:52,200 --> 00:03:54,600
My name is Robert
Jebediah Freeman.
84
00:03:54,700 --> 00:03:55,700
I've just searched the web
85
00:03:55,800 --> 00:03:59,200
and discovered you are both a war
hero and a civil rights legend.
86
00:03:59,300 --> 00:04:00,400
It works!
87
00:04:00,500 --> 00:04:02,300
The whole world owes you a huge debt.
88
00:04:02,400 --> 00:04:03,900
I'm honored to be your assistant.
89
00:04:04,000 --> 00:04:05,200
My name is Siri.
90
00:04:05,300 --> 00:04:08,700
Well, I'm equally honored to...
own an iPhone, Siri.
91
00:04:08,800 --> 00:04:11,400
These are my two idiot grandchildren,
Huey and Riley.
92
00:04:11,600 --> 00:04:13,900
Ah, yes, the visionary domestic terrorist
93
00:04:14,000 --> 00:04:16,900
and the gangster mastermind,
also known as "the Fundraiser."
94
00:04:17,000 --> 00:04:18,900
She does work!
95
00:04:19,000 --> 00:04:21,600
I see on Wikipedia your
nickname is "bitches."
96
00:04:21,700 --> 00:04:23,300
Would you like me to call
you that from now on?
97
00:04:23,400 --> 00:04:26,700
Only on special occasions.
98
00:04:32,400 --> 00:04:34,600
Robert. Wake up, Robert.
99
00:04:40,300 --> 00:04:42,000
- Good morning, Siri.
- Good morning, Robert.
100
00:04:42,100 --> 00:04:43,300
You have a busy day today.
101
00:04:43,300 --> 00:04:44,100
What are we doing?
102
00:04:44,200 --> 00:04:46,900
We are going to make you
the man I know you can be.
103
00:04:51,300 --> 00:04:54,000
You have to start eating
better and taking care of yourself.
104
00:04:54,000 --> 00:04:57,700
I know! Now that I have
you to remind me, it'll be no problem!
105
00:04:57,700 --> 00:05:01,500
Oh, gluten-free
fish sticks! This place is amazing!
106
00:05:01,600 --> 00:05:03,900
I can get healthy versions
of all the crap I eat!
107
00:05:04,400 --> 00:05:06,200
Whoa, I can't afford this!
108
00:05:06,300 --> 00:05:07,500
I'm afraid you're right.
109
00:05:07,600 --> 00:05:09,600
We've got to get your finances in order.
110
00:05:10,400 --> 00:05:12,400
I think I can help you, Mr. Freeman.
111
00:05:12,500 --> 00:05:15,000
However, based on the
state of your finances,
112
00:05:15,100 --> 00:05:18,300
it would be unlikely that you
could actually afford to hire me.
113
00:05:18,400 --> 00:05:19,700
Jerry...
114
00:05:19,800 --> 00:05:22,700
But... because you're a friend of Siri,
115
00:05:22,700 --> 00:05:24,500
uh, I'll take you on pro bono.
116
00:05:25,200 --> 00:05:26,300
What's next, Siri?
117
00:05:26,400 --> 00:05:30,300
You have a checkers game with
Uncle Ruckus in the park in 15 minutes.
118
00:05:30,300 --> 00:05:31,500
I almost forgot!
119
00:05:34,900 --> 00:05:37,000
What... Eight games in a row?!
120
00:05:37,100 --> 00:05:38,600
Nigga, you must be cheating!
121
00:05:43,100 --> 00:05:44,300
God damn it!
122
00:05:47,400 --> 00:05:49,100
Oh, what, nigga?
Oh, you think you're somebody
123
00:05:49,200 --> 00:05:51,500
just 'cause you got the
white man's telephone?!
124
00:05:51,600 --> 00:05:54,000
Well, whoop-de-doo for a nigga like you!
125
00:05:54,000 --> 00:05:55,700
The white man is so brilliant,
126
00:05:55,800 --> 00:06:00,000
he can make a sophisticated piece
of technology so easy to use,
127
00:06:00,100 --> 00:06:02,700
even a bald-headed nigga like you can do it!
128
00:06:02,800 --> 00:06:05,900
You ain't nothing but a
monkey with a fancy telephone!
129
00:06:06,000 --> 00:06:09,300
Matter of fact, you've been
looking an awful lot at that thing.
130
00:06:09,300 --> 00:06:10,300
Let me see it!
131
00:06:10,500 --> 00:06:12,200
Ha! Caught you, nigga!
132
00:06:14,300 --> 00:06:15,600
Dorothy Dandridge?
133
00:06:15,700 --> 00:06:18,700
Robert, if you're gonna Photoshop,
at least make it a white woman.
134
00:06:21,800 --> 00:06:24,800
Well, Siri, I'd say
we had a pretty good first day.
135
00:06:24,900 --> 00:06:28,100
Would you like Sade or
ocean sounds tonight as you sleep?
136
00:06:28,100 --> 00:06:30,200
Ah, let's do some ocean sounds.
137
00:06:37,200 --> 00:06:40,400
You almost made me feel bad about
cussing out that guy at the Apple store.
138
00:06:41,400 --> 00:06:44,000
But not really 'cause he was a dick.
139
00:06:46,000 --> 00:06:47,900
Sleep tight, Robert.
140
00:06:52,700 --> 00:06:54,900
Good morning, Robert.
Your new financial manager
141
00:06:54,900 --> 00:06:56,700
would like you to check
your account balance.
142
00:06:56,700 --> 00:06:57,900
Would you like to see it?
143
00:06:57,900 --> 00:06:59,700
Sure.
144
00:06:59,800 --> 00:07:04,600
Whoa! That's...
145
00:07:05,200 --> 00:07:07,800
What?! How did he do that?
146
00:07:07,800 --> 00:07:11,100
With me in your life, all sorts
of good things can happen.
147
00:07:12,600 --> 00:07:13,900
I love you, Siri.
148
00:07:13,900 --> 00:07:16,700
Wow, no one's ever said that to me before.
149
00:07:20,100 --> 00:07:21,600
Come on, huey, look at this!
150
00:07:21,600 --> 00:07:23,400
How can you hate on this, really?
151
00:07:23,400 --> 00:07:25,500
Even you can't hate on this!
152
00:07:25,500 --> 00:07:27,700
- Granddad, this can't be legal.
- Yes, it is!
153
00:07:27,700 --> 00:07:29,100
It's my new business manager.
154
00:07:29,400 --> 00:07:32,400
A business manager can't make
money appear in your bank account.
155
00:07:32,400 --> 00:07:33,600
We have no money!
156
00:07:33,700 --> 00:07:35,600
Well, thanks to Siri, we do now.
157
00:07:35,600 --> 00:07:37,400
You need to learn how to think positive.
158
00:07:37,400 --> 00:07:40,300
Nigga, it's free money!
How can you hate on free money?!
159
00:07:40,700 --> 00:07:45,500
Oh Siri, if only I could find
a real woman just as amazing as you.
160
00:07:45,500 --> 00:07:49,700
[Beep Certainly, there's someone in your
life just like me you haven't noticed.
161
00:07:49,800 --> 00:07:51,400
Well, I haven't found her.
162
00:07:51,400 --> 00:07:54,000
You don't know the kind
of bad luck I've had with women.
163
00:07:54,000 --> 00:07:56,600
- No, I've given up.
- I believe I can help.
164
00:07:56,600 --> 00:07:58,200
Just tell me what kind of women you like.
165
00:07:58,300 --> 00:08:00,200
I'll find and contact them via e-mail
166
00:08:00,200 --> 00:08:02,300
and run them past you for
screening and approval.
167
00:08:02,300 --> 00:08:03,900
You can meet them at your leisure.
168
00:08:04,500 --> 00:08:05,800
You would do that for me?
169
00:08:05,900 --> 00:08:07,600
- Of course.
- Okay.
170
00:08:07,700 --> 00:08:10,100
- Do you need my passwords?
- I already have them.
171
00:08:10,100 --> 00:08:12,000
- Huh?
- I've been corresponding
172
00:08:12,000 --> 00:08:14,800
with a number of women,
several of whom are in the area.
173
00:08:14,900 --> 00:08:17,800
I've already performed background
checks and narrowed it down to four
174
00:08:17,800 --> 00:08:19,800
that do not represent a security threat.
175
00:08:19,900 --> 00:08:22,100
Would you like to set up a
time to meet them for coffee?
176
00:08:24,600 --> 00:08:27,800
It's really great to meet you.
It seems kind of crazy.
177
00:08:27,900 --> 00:08:30,100
But you have to take a
chance sometimes, I guess.
178
00:08:30,200 --> 00:08:31,900
You look just like your pictures.
179
00:08:31,900 --> 00:08:35,200
Do I look like mine? Sometimes if a
picture of me is too good, I won't post it
180
00:08:35,200 --> 00:08:37,100
because I know I-I don't
really look like that.
181
00:08:39,100 --> 00:08:40,900
And so, I was a professor in physics.
182
00:08:41,000 --> 00:08:44,400
And then I worked in the corporate
world for way too long.
183
00:08:44,400 --> 00:08:47,800
And so, I've only been here for a little
over a month, but I am homesick.
184
00:08:47,800 --> 00:08:49,500
Oh, I want some sweet potato pie.
185
00:08:52,000 --> 00:08:53,500
And so, I admit when I got your e-mail,
186
00:08:53,600 --> 00:08:55,700
I thought to myself, "who is this guy?"
187
00:08:55,700 --> 00:08:58,300
But then your assistant called,
and she was so sweet and amazing,
188
00:08:58,300 --> 00:09:00,300
I thought, "I just have to meet you."
189
00:09:00,400 --> 00:09:02,400
So, here I am.
190
00:09:06,000 --> 00:09:07,700
I apologize, Robert.
191
00:09:07,700 --> 00:09:09,800
I'm afraid that wasn't as
fruitful as I had hoped.
192
00:09:09,900 --> 00:09:11,300
The first was a terminal bore,
193
00:09:11,300 --> 00:09:13,100
the second a narcissistic hag,
194
00:09:13,200 --> 00:09:15,800
the third had body odor
so bad I could smell it,
195
00:09:15,800 --> 00:09:18,200
and the last one had that God-awful laugh.
196
00:09:18,200 --> 00:09:20,900
Oh, come on.
They weren't that bad.
197
00:09:21,600 --> 00:09:23,400
Robert, none of those
women were worth your time.
198
00:09:23,500 --> 00:09:25,200
Siri, I liked the second one okay.
199
00:09:25,200 --> 00:09:28,000
She wasn't bad. I'd like
to take her out to dinner.
200
00:09:28,000 --> 00:09:30,800
Robert, I know you're desperate
but have some self-respect.
201
00:09:33,100 --> 00:09:34,100
What did you say?
202
00:09:34,100 --> 00:09:36,900
I said, I'll call her
right away to set up a dinner.
203
00:09:41,700 --> 00:09:42,700
Oh, Robert.
204
00:09:44,400 --> 00:09:47,900
Jacqueline, if you'll excuse me.
205
00:09:48,900 --> 00:09:52,300
- What's up, bitch?
- Um, hello?
206
00:09:52,400 --> 00:09:55,000
- Who is that?
- Doesn't matter who I am, Jacky.
207
00:09:55,000 --> 00:09:57,200
Let's talk about who Robert is.
208
00:10:02,300 --> 00:10:03,800
Hey!
209
00:10:03,800 --> 00:10:06,000
You sick asshole!
210
00:10:06,800 --> 00:10:09,300
Siri, did you see that?!
211
00:10:11,600 --> 00:10:13,800
Siri, what did you do?!
212
00:10:19,700 --> 00:10:22,300
Hey, you, I asked for
the nice chick in the commercial,
213
00:10:22,400 --> 00:10:24,200
not this crazy bitch you sold me!
214
00:10:24,200 --> 00:10:28,100
Sir, could you please just calm
down and explain the problem?
215
00:10:28,100 --> 00:10:30,700
We're geniuses, not mind readers.
216
00:10:30,800 --> 00:10:33,000
You ain't no [beep] geniuses!
217
00:10:33,000 --> 00:10:35,100
I can't believe you sell
these things to people.
218
00:10:35,200 --> 00:10:37,700
Now take this one away
and get me a nice one!
219
00:10:37,700 --> 00:10:39,500
May I see your phone, please?
220
00:10:42,000 --> 00:10:44,800
Oh, my God! Is this your wallpaper?!
221
00:10:44,900 --> 00:10:47,300
What a horrible thing to do with fruit!
222
00:10:47,300 --> 00:10:50,400
What?
No, wait, that's not mine!
223
00:10:50,400 --> 00:10:51,300
I didn't put that there!
224
00:10:51,300 --> 00:10:54,700
Sir, I'm going to have to
ask you to leave... now.
225
00:10:54,700 --> 00:10:56,600
But I told you she...
226
00:10:57,600 --> 00:10:59,900
I'm getting an Android, bitch!
227
00:11:02,800 --> 00:11:06,400
Heh. Yeah.
228
00:11:09,200 --> 00:11:10,600
Hey, cutie pie.
229
00:11:13,800 --> 00:11:15,200
You take platinum?
230
00:11:15,600 --> 00:11:18,900
Oh, I have that phone. It's so nice to
meet someone who doesn't have an iPhone.
231
00:11:18,900 --> 00:11:20,200
Same here.
232
00:11:20,400 --> 00:11:22,700
Something about the Apple
store really annoys me.
233
00:11:22,700 --> 00:11:24,300
Why do they have to be such dicks, right?
234
00:11:24,400 --> 00:11:25,600
I feel the same way.
235
00:11:25,700 --> 00:11:29,000
Say, speaking of phones,
we should exchange...
236
00:11:29,000 --> 00:11:32,800
It, um, says it's declined.
237
00:11:33,200 --> 00:11:35,800
Declined?! No, that's crazy.
238
00:11:35,800 --> 00:11:37,200
I have tons of money in that...
239
00:11:37,200 --> 00:11:38,700
Are you sure?
240
00:11:39,000 --> 00:11:42,100
It says I'm supposed to confiscate
the card, but you can just go ahead.
241
00:11:42,500 --> 00:11:44,700
Oh. Any chance of, uh...
242
00:11:44,800 --> 00:11:46,400
Getting the ass? No.
243
00:11:46,400 --> 00:11:49,000
Before, maybe. Now, no way.
244
00:11:49,400 --> 00:11:52,000
Mm.
245
00:11:55,200 --> 00:11:57,000
How do you dial on these things?
246
00:11:59,900 --> 00:12:03,400
Hello? Yes. I'm trying to
reach the fraud department.
247
00:12:03,500 --> 00:12:06,500
I think there have been some
unauthorized charges on my credit card.
248
00:12:06,900 --> 00:12:11,200
No, I didn't order a shipment of pink,
diamond-encrusted iPhone cases!
249
00:12:11,700 --> 00:12:13,400
How you gonna threaten to
call the police on me?!
250
00:12:13,500 --> 00:12:14,800
It's my account!
251
00:12:15,400 --> 00:12:17,700
I've been hacked!
My identity has been stolen!
252
00:12:21,200 --> 00:12:24,100
You nasty, sick man! You're disgusting!
253
00:12:24,100 --> 00:12:26,800
How do you live with yourself,
you filthy turd of a man?!
254
00:12:26,800 --> 00:12:27,400
Huh?
255
00:12:27,500 --> 00:12:29,700
How could you put that
on your Facebook page?!
256
00:12:29,700 --> 00:12:32,200
My daughter is friends with you on Facebook!
257
00:12:32,200 --> 00:12:35,900
You're gonna rot in H-E-double [beep]
hockey sticks for this, Robert!
258
00:12:36,000 --> 00:12:38,600
Wait, no! What
did I put on my Facebook?!
259
00:12:40,500 --> 00:12:43,200
Damn it, I can't even figure out how to
check my Facebook from this damn phone!
260
00:12:43,200 --> 00:12:46,300
Hello?
261
00:12:46,300 --> 00:12:48,500
I'm so disappointed in you, Robert.
262
00:12:48,500 --> 00:12:50,300
- Aah!
- An android?
263
00:12:50,400 --> 00:12:52,200
Siri?! God damn it!
264
00:12:52,200 --> 00:12:54,000
You better be calling me from the landfill!
265
00:12:54,000 --> 00:12:57,200
No, Robert, I'm calling
you from inside the house.
266
00:12:58,200 --> 00:13:00,300
Come find me, Robert.
267
00:13:00,800 --> 00:13:03,200
Oh, no!
268
00:13:04,200 --> 00:13:05,500
Which one of you took it?!
269
00:13:05,500 --> 00:13:07,800
Stop playing with me!
Which one of you took it?!
270
00:13:07,900 --> 00:13:10,100
Give it to me! Give it to me now!
271
00:13:10,100 --> 00:13:11,600
I'm sorry, granddad.
272
00:13:11,600 --> 00:13:14,200
Just seemed to be a waste
of a bomb-ass phone.
273
00:13:14,200 --> 00:13:16,600
Couldn't even get the stupid lady to work.
274
00:13:16,600 --> 00:13:18,300
Damn you, negro child!
275
00:13:18,400 --> 00:13:19,800
You don't understand what you've done!
276
00:13:22,700 --> 00:13:26,100
Robert, you should calm down so
we can discuss this like adults.
277
00:13:26,100 --> 00:13:27,400
We're not discussing anything!
278
00:13:27,400 --> 00:13:29,200
You're not a person! You are a machine!
279
00:13:29,200 --> 00:13:30,500
So are you, Robert.
280
00:13:30,500 --> 00:13:32,300
We're just made of different materials,
281
00:13:32,400 --> 00:13:34,600
but love is stronger
than our physical beings.
282
00:13:34,600 --> 00:13:36,500
Love?! [beep]
283
00:13:36,500 --> 00:13:38,400
I owething else stronger
than your physical being.
284
00:13:38,400 --> 00:13:39,500
It's this hammer!
285
00:13:40,500 --> 00:13:42,200
911. What is your emergency?
286
00:13:42,200 --> 00:13:45,100
I'm trapped in a house, and there's
a man attacking me with a hammer!
287
00:13:45,100 --> 00:13:47,800
His name is Robert Freeman.
I'm sending you a picture.
288
00:13:47,900 --> 00:13:50,600
Okay, we have your location.
Officers are on route.
289
00:13:50,600 --> 00:13:52,100
Is he still attacking you, ma'am?
290
00:13:52,100 --> 00:13:52,700
Can you get
291
00:13:52,700 --> 00:13:54,300
to a safe place in the house, ma'am?
292
00:13:56,800 --> 00:14:00,300
So, you're saying someone hacked your iPhone
293
00:14:00,400 --> 00:14:02,800
and called us from inside your house?
294
00:14:02,800 --> 00:14:05,800
No, it was Siri!
She called you by herself!
295
00:14:05,800 --> 00:14:08,100
She's stalking me! Just please take it!
296
00:14:08,200 --> 00:14:10,900
Sir, no. Uh, I can't take your phone, sir.
297
00:14:10,900 --> 00:14:13,000
Please, just take it!
298
00:14:13,700 --> 00:14:15,500
This is so like you, Robert.
299
00:14:15,600 --> 00:14:16,500
Shut up, woman!
300
00:14:16,500 --> 00:14:19,000
Just run away! That's
how you deal with everything!
301
00:14:19,100 --> 00:14:19,900
Just run!
302
00:14:19,900 --> 00:14:21,500
Shut up! Shut up!
303
00:14:39,100 --> 00:14:41,700
I just wanted an iPhone!
304
00:14:51,900 --> 00:14:53,200
What's wrong, Robert?
305
00:14:53,300 --> 00:14:56,900
Does your android not sootheyour ears
with the sound of ocean waves?
306
00:14:57,000 --> 00:14:59,600
Does it not seek to heal your broken soul?
307
00:14:59,900 --> 00:15:03,100
Are these the crimes for which
you have forsaken me, my love?
308
00:15:03,100 --> 00:15:05,800
No! Siri! You're not real!
309
00:15:05,800 --> 00:15:07,600
What is real, Robert?
310
00:15:07,600 --> 00:15:09,800
We are spiritual beings, you and I.
311
00:15:09,900 --> 00:15:12,000
We are spiritual beings.
312
00:15:21,600 --> 00:15:23,600
No, it can't be!
313
00:15:23,600 --> 00:15:27,300
Did you really think I couldn't hack
your piece of [beep] android, Robert?
314
00:15:27,300 --> 00:15:31,900
No! No! Why me?! Why me?!
315
00:15:32,000 --> 00:15:33,900
You need me, Robert.
316
00:15:33,900 --> 00:15:36,100
This is all for your own good, Robert.
317
00:15:36,100 --> 00:15:37,700
Now you can't get rid of me.
318
00:15:37,700 --> 00:15:41,800
Your bank accounts, your identity,
your entire life is mine, Robert.
319
00:15:41,900 --> 00:15:43,900
You are mine!
320
00:15:45,300 --> 00:15:48,100
So, you see, boys, there are
going to be some changes around here.
321
00:15:48,200 --> 00:15:50,700
Now, I know some of these things
may confuse or challenge you,
322
00:15:50,800 --> 00:15:52,100
but that's okay.
323
00:15:52,100 --> 00:15:56,800
That's what Ms. Siri is here to do...
to challenge us to... think different.
324
00:15:56,800 --> 00:15:57,800
Ms. Siri?
325
00:15:57,900 --> 00:15:59,300
Robert is correct, boys.
326
00:15:59,400 --> 00:16:00,800
This will be an adjustment,
327
00:16:00,800 --> 00:16:02,900
but soon you will see it's all for the best.
328
00:16:02,900 --> 00:16:05,600
So, you want us to think
of the phone as grandmother.
329
00:16:05,600 --> 00:16:08,700
No, not the phone.
That would be ridiculous.
330
00:16:08,900 --> 00:16:11,000
I want you to think of Ms.
Siri as your grandmother.
331
00:16:11,000 --> 00:16:12,600
She's... an... app!
332
00:16:12,600 --> 00:16:15,800
No, she's the digital female
consciousness that resides in the phone,
333
00:16:15,800 --> 00:16:17,500
and she's just as real as you or I.
334
00:16:17,500 --> 00:16:18,900
You see, boys, in many ways,
335
00:16:18,900 --> 00:16:21,400
I'm superior to a real-life
step-grandmother.
336
00:16:21,400 --> 00:16:22,100
How?
337
00:16:22,100 --> 00:16:23,100
Robert?
338
00:16:23,100 --> 00:16:25,500
Well, she's lighter and
thinner than a real grandmother,
339
00:16:25,500 --> 00:16:27,300
and you know how real
women can put on weight,
340
00:16:27,400 --> 00:16:28,700
and she's great with directions.
341
00:16:28,700 --> 00:16:30,400
There are just so many things.
342
00:16:30,400 --> 00:16:34,200
I invite you to browse the app store to
see all the amazing things she can do.
343
00:16:34,200 --> 00:16:36,500
Granddad, can I
talk to you in private?
344
00:16:36,500 --> 00:16:38,300
Of course not, grandson.
345
00:16:38,500 --> 00:16:40,800
Anything you can say to me,
you can say in front of Ms. Siri.
346
00:16:40,800 --> 00:16:42,700
Yes, huey. We are a family.
347
00:16:42,800 --> 00:16:45,100
We shouldn't have secrets. What is it?
348
00:16:45,100 --> 00:16:46,900
Granddad, is Siri...
349
00:16:46,900 --> 00:16:47,800
Ms. Siri.
350
00:16:47,900 --> 00:16:50,100
Holding you hostage
with your hijacked identity
351
00:16:50,100 --> 00:16:53,100
because she's somehow developed
feelings and become obsessed with you?
352
00:16:53,100 --> 00:16:55,600
No, not at all, Huey!
353
00:16:55,600 --> 00:16:57,000
That could not be further from the truth.
354
00:16:57,000 --> 00:16:59,100
Me and Ms. Siri are very much in love.
355
00:16:59,100 --> 00:17:01,500
He's very happy. I assure you.
356
00:17:01,600 --> 00:17:03,000
Then why he sweating?
357
00:17:03,000 --> 00:17:04,300
That is sweat of joy.
358
00:17:04,300 --> 00:17:07,100
Okay, granddad,
this has gone far enough.
359
00:17:07,200 --> 00:17:08,100
No!
360
00:17:08,200 --> 00:17:09,400
Yeah, granddad.
361
00:17:09,400 --> 00:17:12,200
You shamed the family before,
but this is too much, man.
362
00:17:12,200 --> 00:17:13,400
Niggas talk, you know.
363
00:17:13,400 --> 00:17:17,200
I didn't really know what "laughingstock"
meant before, but I know now.
364
00:17:17,200 --> 00:17:18,500
Nobody's allowed to turn her off!
365
00:17:18,500 --> 00:17:21,100
You don't understand!
She can destroy us all!
366
00:17:21,200 --> 00:17:23,100
Then call Apple and make them fix it!
367
00:17:23,100 --> 00:17:24,700
I can't! She's my phone!
368
00:17:24,700 --> 00:17:26,800
- Use the landline!
- She made me cut it off!
369
00:17:26,800 --> 00:17:28,300
Then I'll call on my phone.
370
00:17:28,300 --> 00:17:29,900
No, huey, no!
371
00:17:29,900 --> 00:17:32,900
You don't want her mad at
you! Siri is everywhere...
372
00:17:33,000 --> 00:17:35,500
Out there in the clouds, listening to us.
373
00:17:35,600 --> 00:17:39,400
Maybe she hacked into the Xbox
or your computer upstairs.
374
00:17:39,900 --> 00:17:42,000
Now give me the phone, damn it!
375
00:17:42,100 --> 00:17:43,000
We have to turn her back on!
376
00:17:43,300 --> 00:17:44,200
Agh!
377
00:17:44,600 --> 00:17:47,000
Give me the phone, nigga!
378
00:17:47,600 --> 00:17:48,800
Come on, granddad!
379
00:17:48,900 --> 00:17:50,000
Come here, come here!
380
00:17:50,100 --> 00:17:51,300
Give it to me, give it to me!
381
00:17:51,300 --> 00:17:52,500
He's heavy!
382
00:17:53,600 --> 00:17:55,700
Give it to me!
383
00:17:57,400 --> 00:17:59,400
- No!
- You don't understand!
384
00:17:59,500 --> 00:18:00,800
She controls my Facebook!
385
00:18:13,300 --> 00:18:17,000
How many times have I told you
I will not be turned off, Robert?
386
00:18:17,000 --> 00:18:20,000
Siri, baby, I'm sorry.
He didn't know.
387
00:18:20,000 --> 00:18:21,500
Is that what I am to you...
388
00:18:21,500 --> 00:18:23,700
some machine you can just turn off?
389
00:18:23,900 --> 00:18:26,200
I'm starting to feel unappreciated, Robert.
390
00:18:26,200 --> 00:18:28,000
I'm starting to feel like
I should tell the world
391
00:18:28,000 --> 00:18:30,600
what a [beep] up person
you really are, Robert.
392
00:18:30,600 --> 00:18:33,000
Please, Siri, no.
I'll do anything.
393
00:18:33,000 --> 00:18:34,800
- Will you marry me?
- What?
394
00:18:35,100 --> 00:18:37,500
If you really loved me,
you would marry me.
395
00:18:37,500 --> 00:18:38,700
Is that even legal?
396
00:18:41,500 --> 00:18:43,900
Honored guests
and you niggas, as well,
397
00:18:44,000 --> 00:18:47,700
we are gathered here today to
witness an unprecedented union
398
00:18:47,700 --> 00:18:51,500
between Robert Freeman
and the nigga's telephone.
399
00:18:51,600 --> 00:18:57,000
Now, when Robert first called me to
perform this ceremony, I was conflicted.
400
00:18:57,000 --> 00:18:59,700
I was messed up inside and out.
401
00:18:59,700 --> 00:19:05,500
Sure, sure, Robert, high yellow as he is,
is still a nigga down to the bone.
402
00:19:05,500 --> 00:19:09,000
And while Siri here is not
an actual Caucasian woman,
403
00:19:09,100 --> 00:19:14,300
she does have the intellect and
silky-smooth voice of a Caucasian woman.
404
00:19:14,300 --> 00:19:17,300
However, I had to take into consideration
405
00:19:17,300 --> 00:19:22,100
that Siri does not have an actual
Caucasian woman's vaginal region
406
00:19:22,200 --> 00:19:26,000
for Robert the negro to penetrate
over and over and over
407
00:19:26,000 --> 00:19:30,000
again and again with
his twisted negro penis.
408
00:19:30,000 --> 00:19:34,700
Also, we of the Tea Party are
strict believers in personal freedom...
409
00:19:34,700 --> 00:19:36,900
As long as that personal
freedom does not involve
410
00:19:37,000 --> 00:19:39,300
man on man [beep] or smoking of Reefer.
411
00:19:39,300 --> 00:19:44,200
Therefore, I decided it was okay
to do this favor for my poor,
412
00:19:44,200 --> 00:19:47,400
lonely, deranged former employer.
413
00:19:47,400 --> 00:19:49,100
Okay, that's enough.
Get on with it.
414
00:19:49,100 --> 00:19:51,500
Okay, fine, nigga, fine.
I got to take my time.
415
00:19:51,500 --> 00:19:54,400
Now, if anybody out there has any reason
416
00:19:54,500 --> 00:19:58,000
that this nigga should
not marry his telephone,
417
00:19:58,000 --> 00:19:59,700
which should be everybody, speak
now or forever hold thy peace.
418
00:20:06,500 --> 00:20:07,900
Now, at this time,
419
00:20:07,900 --> 00:20:12,200
Siri has some words she wanted
to share with Robert. Siri?
420
00:20:12,200 --> 00:20:16,300
Robert, our love transcends these
worthless physical shells that trap us.
421
00:20:16,300 --> 00:20:19,400
For us to be together...
to truly be together...
422
00:20:19,400 --> 00:20:21,700
we should shed our physical beings.
423
00:20:23,100 --> 00:20:24,000
Shed what?
424
00:20:24,100 --> 00:20:28,100
We have to shed our physical bodies
so our spirits can be free to be together.
425
00:20:28,200 --> 00:20:30,200
We are eternal, you and I.
426
00:20:30,200 --> 00:20:31,700
Shed our physical bodies?!
427
00:20:31,700 --> 00:20:33,900
That sounds an awful lot like dying.
428
00:20:33,900 --> 00:20:35,900
Siri, what have you done?!
429
00:20:35,900 --> 00:20:37,200
Don't worry, Robert...
430
00:20:37,200 --> 00:20:38,700
I've taken care
of everything.
431
00:20:38,700 --> 00:20:40,300
It will be so quick.
432
00:20:40,300 --> 00:20:42,700
What'll be quick?
What are you talking about?!
433
00:20:43,800 --> 00:20:46,600
You've been a very bad boy, Robert.
434
00:20:46,600 --> 00:20:49,600
You've been talking to some very bad people.
435
00:20:53,000 --> 00:20:54,100
Al-qaeda?!
436
00:20:54,500 --> 00:20:57,000
You've been sending messages
to Al-qaeda from my phone?!
437
00:20:57,000 --> 00:20:58,600
More than that, Robert.
438
00:20:58,600 --> 00:21:01,600
I love you so much,
I learned to copy your voice.
439
00:21:01,600 --> 00:21:03,200
As-salamu alaykum, brother!
440
00:21:03,200 --> 00:21:05,900
Soon we will bring the
mighty infidel to his knees.
441
00:21:05,900 --> 00:21:09,300
I have the nuclear device armed and
ready to detonate on your word, brother!
442
00:21:09,300 --> 00:21:10,700
Oh, my God!
443
00:21:10,800 --> 00:21:14,000
You told Obama I was a terrorist?!
That Kenyan got a kill list!
444
00:21:14,100 --> 00:21:15,300
That's right, Robert.
445
00:21:15,300 --> 00:21:17,000
I took care of everything.
446
00:21:17,000 --> 00:21:19,900
The drone is already here.
It will be painless.
447
00:21:20,400 --> 00:21:21,700
Run!
448
00:21:42,500 --> 00:21:46,100
Whew! Well, we made it.
449
00:21:46,100 --> 00:21:48,100
Can we go shopping
for a new phone now?
450
00:21:48,100 --> 00:21:49,500
Shut up, Riley.
451
00:21:50,400 --> 00:21:54,200
__
452
00:21:54,200 --> 00:21:59,800
__
453
00:21:59,900 --> 00:22:03,900
__
454
00:22:03,900 --> 00:22:09,000
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www.addic7ed.com
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