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1
00:00:01,478 --> 00:00:09,874
Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com
2
00:00:12,217 --> 00:00:14,495
Oh, yeah? Well,
I checked my phone,
3
00:00:14,625 --> 00:00:16,626
and I realized Lochlyn has been playing
4
00:00:16,644 --> 00:00:19,027
"Words With Buddies,"
and she's beating my Uncle Dave.
5
00:00:19,170 --> 00:00:22,639
It's no surprise-- her cranium
measures in the 85th percentile.
6
00:00:22,674 --> 00:00:24,541
I took out
a ruler last night,
7
00:00:24,559 --> 00:00:26,479
and it turns out that
my little Jacqueline's face
8
00:00:26,511 --> 00:00:27,895
is perfectly symmetrical.
9
00:00:27,929 --> 00:00:30,814
Well, my Allister started doing
the cutest thing-- watch this:
10
00:00:30,849 --> 00:00:34,018
Allister, Allister, do "Gangnam Style"!
11
00:00:34,052 --> 00:00:35,319
Come on!
12
00:00:35,353 --> 00:00:36,737
Hold on, he'll do it.
13
00:00:36,771 --> 00:00:38,439
Sabrina and I
don't usually socialize
14
00:00:38,490 --> 00:00:40,441
with other parents at the park,
mostly because
15
00:00:40,492 --> 00:00:41,575
we've found them annoying.
16
00:00:41,609 --> 00:00:43,393
But today we were on a mission.
17
00:00:43,411 --> 00:00:45,913
It all started a few weeks ago
when we decided
18
00:00:45,947 --> 00:00:47,581
to plan Hope's birthday party.
19
00:00:47,615 --> 00:00:49,249
Wait a second, wait a second.
20
00:00:49,284 --> 00:00:51,418
The package for the moon bounce,
the invitations,
21
00:00:51,453 --> 00:00:53,087
the goody bags, and the entertainment
22
00:00:53,121 --> 00:00:54,588
is how much, exactly?
23
00:00:54,622 --> 00:00:56,874
Are you kidding me?!
24
00:00:56,908 --> 00:00:59,043
My wedding didn't cost that much.
25
00:00:59,077 --> 00:01:00,427
Forget it.
26
00:01:00,462 --> 00:01:02,062
Listen, if you want to
plan an affordable party,
27
00:01:02,097 --> 00:01:03,430
you got to stop calling
28
00:01:03,465 --> 00:01:05,082
those fancy places that
can afford Web sites,
29
00:01:05,100 --> 00:01:06,683
and hit the local bulletin boards.
30
00:01:06,718 --> 00:01:08,635
Yeah, Laundromats, bowling alleys.
31
00:01:08,686 --> 00:01:11,221
We used to find your
babysitters at the bus station.
32
00:01:12,256 --> 00:01:13,307
How many kids are coming?
33
00:01:13,358 --> 00:01:14,892
Hope doesn't have any kid friends yet.
34
00:01:14,926 --> 00:01:15,893
Yeah, she's only three.
35
00:01:15,927 --> 00:01:17,311
I don't blame you.
36
00:01:17,362 --> 00:01:18,612
Finding kid friends
before they start school
37
00:01:18,646 --> 00:01:20,147
means you have to talk to the parents.
38
00:01:20,198 --> 00:01:22,099
And all they want
to talk about is their kids.
39
00:01:22,117 --> 00:01:23,484
"My son walked
at eight months."
40
00:01:23,535 --> 00:01:25,295
"My son knows
all his letters."
41
00:01:25,320 --> 00:01:26,954
"My son has a friend.
42
00:01:26,988 --> 00:01:29,156
You never heard us
saying all that stuff.
43
00:01:29,207 --> 00:01:31,241
Is that why I didn't have
any friends growing up?
44
00:01:31,275 --> 00:01:33,276
Because you guys couldn't stand
the other parents?
45
00:01:33,294 --> 00:01:35,796
Don't judge us-- you know you're
doing the exact same thing.
46
00:01:35,830 --> 00:01:37,664
Oh, my God.
We really are.
47
00:01:37,715 --> 00:01:39,550
At least we had an excuse.
48
00:01:39,584 --> 00:01:41,969
We still believed Burt
was gonna be a rock star.
49
00:01:42,003 --> 00:01:44,254
We didn't need to embrace
the whole parent lifestyle.
50
00:01:44,288 --> 00:01:46,256
We were gonna be trashing hotel rooms.
51
00:01:46,290 --> 00:01:47,758
Hanging out with Foghat.
52
00:01:47,792 --> 00:01:49,760
Driving sports cars into pools.
53
00:01:49,794 --> 00:01:52,012
Yeah, we had big dreams.
54
00:01:52,063 --> 00:01:53,981
But you didn't need any friends.
You turned out fine.
55
00:01:54,015 --> 00:01:55,816
Fine?
I didn't say you turned out great.
56
00:01:55,850 --> 00:01:56,800
I said you turned out fine.
57
00:01:56,818 --> 00:01:58,018
It's a scale, Jimmy.
58
00:01:58,069 --> 00:02:00,020
If you didn't have any
friends, what'd you do?
59
00:02:00,071 --> 00:02:02,639
I had to improvise.
60
00:02:02,674 --> 00:02:04,441
What do you want to do?
61
00:02:04,475 --> 00:02:07,528
I don't know.
You can crumple up some paper
62
00:02:07,579 --> 00:02:09,363
and throw it in my mouth.
63
00:02:09,414 --> 00:02:12,666
Yeah: I guess
we can do that again.
64
00:02:12,700 --> 00:02:13,867
Hi, you, hi, you...
65
00:02:13,918 --> 00:02:15,686
We got to get Hope some friends.
66
00:02:15,720 --> 00:02:17,838
So here we are.
67
00:02:17,872 --> 00:02:19,823
My Jacqueline can do that, too!
68
00:02:19,841 --> 00:02:21,125
Jacqueline!
69
00:02:21,159 --> 00:02:23,460
Do the Chinese dance!
70
00:02:23,494 --> 00:02:26,013
Hey! If your kid likes to dance,
71
00:02:26,047 --> 00:02:29,049
we're having a birthday party for Hope!
72
00:02:29,100 --> 00:02:30,751
Yeah.
73
00:02:32,270 --> 00:02:34,888
Okay, see you Saturday at 2:00.
74
00:02:34,939 --> 00:02:36,223
We did it!
75
00:02:36,274 --> 00:02:38,475
We are so crushing this party.
76
00:02:38,509 --> 00:02:40,060
We got food, entertainment,
77
00:02:40,111 --> 00:02:42,396
even a moon bounce for almost nothing.
78
00:02:42,447 --> 00:02:44,398
We should be party
planners for poor people.
79
00:02:44,449 --> 00:02:47,517
We'd make a fortune.
I still can't believe people just leave
80
00:02:47,535 --> 00:02:50,187
their broken piñata pieces in
the park after their parties.
81
00:02:50,221 --> 00:02:52,940
I know. Hope is gonna love
Top-Gun-Chicken-Ass-
82
00:02:52,974 --> 00:02:54,808
purple-T-Rex-shortstop.
83
00:02:56,594 --> 00:02:59,046
And since I've been here,
with the support
84
00:02:59,080 --> 00:03:01,114
of my counselors and my group...
85
00:03:01,149 --> 00:03:04,318
I haven't touched the junk since.
86
00:03:04,352 --> 00:03:06,053
Good for you, TV's Tim Stack.
87
00:03:06,087 --> 00:03:08,322
We know that masturbation
is a tough addiction to beat.
88
00:03:08,356 --> 00:03:10,491
Check out TV's Tim Stack.
89
00:03:10,542 --> 00:03:13,460
Talk about a lesson to get kids
to stop masturbating.
90
00:03:13,495 --> 00:03:16,112
Let's turn our attention now to
former chart-topping rock star,
91
00:03:16,130 --> 00:03:17,414
Smokey Floyd.
92
00:03:21,169 --> 00:03:22,719
Hey, look at Smokey!
93
00:03:22,754 --> 00:03:23,837
He looks great!
94
00:03:23,888 --> 00:03:27,140
So, Smokey, can you tell us
about the moment
95
00:03:27,175 --> 00:03:29,426
you hit rock bottom?
Well, dude,
96
00:03:29,460 --> 00:03:32,896
it all started when I promised
a fan I'd play a show for him.
97
00:03:32,931 --> 00:03:36,483
I went crazy, and the video
went viral on the Internet.
98
00:03:36,518 --> 00:03:39,987
Smokey, "the Doctor of Rock,"
frickin' Floyd!
99
00:03:44,275 --> 00:03:45,859
Burt, it's you!
100
00:03:47,028 --> 00:03:48,378
I-I'm famous.
101
00:03:48,413 --> 00:03:50,847
I'll bet, like, four billion
people just saw that!
102
00:03:50,882 --> 00:03:53,700
You know, I looked at myself
in that video, and...
103
00:03:53,751 --> 00:03:55,536
realized that I'd become a monster.
104
00:03:55,587 --> 00:03:59,006
You know, a liver-spotted,
turkey-necked monster.
105
00:03:59,040 --> 00:04:02,042
So I went down to Mexico and
got some plastic surgeries.
106
00:04:02,093 --> 00:04:04,327
You know, they were
so-so with the knife,
107
00:04:04,345 --> 00:04:06,380
but real liberal with the painkillers.
108
00:04:06,414 --> 00:04:07,931
Next thing I knew, I'm hooked
109
00:04:07,966 --> 00:04:11,668
on vikes, perks, oxy, coffee enemas.
110
00:04:11,686 --> 00:04:14,304
I'm told I burned my house down.
111
00:04:14,338 --> 00:04:15,839
Let's take a look
at Smokey's journey
112
00:04:15,857 --> 00:04:17,558
over the last 30 days.
113
00:04:19,027 --> 00:04:21,344
Oh!
114
00:04:21,362 --> 00:04:22,696
Mm.
115
00:04:22,730 --> 00:04:25,048
Which way to the stage?
116
00:04:27,218 --> 00:04:31,088
♪ You with the sad heart
117
00:04:31,122 --> 00:04:32,573
♪ Don't be discouraged
118
00:04:32,624 --> 00:04:35,876
♪ You will realize
119
00:04:35,910 --> 00:04:39,129
♪ It's hard to take courage
120
00:04:39,163 --> 00:04:41,882
♪ In a world full of people
121
00:04:41,916 --> 00:04:44,501
♪ You can lose sight of your own ♪
122
00:04:44,535 --> 00:04:47,254
♪ And the darkness, ooh, inside you ♪
123
00:04:47,288 --> 00:04:49,690
♪ Can make you feel so small
124
00:04:49,724 --> 00:04:53,060
♪ And I see your true colors
125
00:04:53,094 --> 00:04:55,178
♪ Shining through
126
00:04:55,212 --> 00:04:58,765
♪ I see your true colors
127
00:04:58,816 --> 00:05:01,351
♪ That's why I love you
128
00:05:01,385 --> 00:05:04,071
♪ So don't be afraid
129
00:05:04,105 --> 00:05:06,990
♪ To let them show
130
00:05:07,025 --> 00:05:10,243
♪ Your true colors
131
00:05:10,278 --> 00:05:12,746
♪ True colors...
132
00:05:12,780 --> 00:05:15,065
♪ True colors
133
00:05:15,083 --> 00:05:17,534
♪ They're shining through
134
00:05:17,568 --> 00:05:21,288
♪ Your true colors.
135
00:05:21,339 --> 00:05:23,123
Well, you've obviously come a long way,
136
00:05:23,174 --> 00:05:24,758
and we couldn't be more excited
137
00:05:24,792 --> 00:05:27,177
to hear your final pledge of sobriety.
138
00:05:27,211 --> 00:05:29,012
Well, I-I believe
in the adage:
139
00:05:29,047 --> 00:05:31,081
"If you love something,
set it free," you know?
140
00:05:31,099 --> 00:05:33,383
Uh, which is why I'm
setting free pills and alcohol.
141
00:05:33,417 --> 00:05:34,968
But if they come back to me,
142
00:05:35,019 --> 00:05:36,720
then I'll know they really love me.
143
00:05:36,754 --> 00:05:38,438
Until then, I...
144
00:05:38,473 --> 00:05:41,191
just want to say I'm sorry to all
the people I hurt along the way.
145
00:05:41,584 --> 00:05:44,470
I wrote all your names down
on this list, and...
146
00:05:44,504 --> 00:05:47,139
I'll be coming to apologize
to you one by one.
147
00:05:48,000 --> 00:05:51,074
Subtitles downloaded from www.OpenSubtitles.org
148
00:05:53,097 --> 00:05:56,358
Burt Chance, you're
number 33 on my list:
149
00:05:56,478 --> 00:05:59,167
"Robbed a Lawn Guy
of the Smokey Floyd experience."
150
00:05:59,287 --> 00:06:01,521
I'd like to stay with you
for a week and make up for it.
151
00:06:03,307 --> 00:06:05,475
Let's rock and roll!
152
00:06:05,493 --> 00:06:06,777
Whoo!
153
00:06:12,748 --> 00:06:15,700
Hey, Barney, thank you again
for taking care of the cake.
154
00:06:15,751 --> 00:06:16,711
Well, don't thank me yet.
155
00:06:16,830 --> 00:06:18,998
There was a bit of an e-mail
mix-up with the bakery.
156
00:06:19,033 --> 00:06:20,199
I accidentally switched Hope's picture
157
00:06:20,233 --> 00:06:22,001
with the one I use for my online
158
00:06:22,036 --> 00:06:24,837
dating profile.
159
00:06:24,872 --> 00:06:26,589
What?
Oh.
160
00:06:26,624 --> 00:06:28,007
Hey, everybody on those sites lies.
161
00:06:28,042 --> 00:06:29,742
I once thought I was
going out with a girl
162
00:06:29,760 --> 00:06:30,909
who claimed she had
the body of Kate Upton.
163
00:06:31,029 --> 00:06:33,463
She was bald, and one of
her legs had two knees.
164
00:06:34,882 --> 00:06:38,601
Smokey, these are the
hosts, our son Jimmy
165
00:06:38,636 --> 00:06:39,802
and his wife Sabrina.
166
00:06:39,853 --> 00:06:41,354
Let's get this party started.
167
00:06:41,388 --> 00:06:42,472
Uh, no, thank you.
168
00:06:42,523 --> 00:06:43,773
And, uh, c-could
you possibly
169
00:06:43,807 --> 00:06:45,808
not use the cocaine
around the other parents?
170
00:06:45,859 --> 00:06:48,895
'Cause we're just... trying to
get our daughter some friends.
171
00:06:48,929 --> 00:06:51,397
Well, from my experience, that
usually helps you make friends.
172
00:06:51,431 --> 00:06:53,099
But this is actually
my lactose-intolerance pill.
173
00:06:53,117 --> 00:06:55,034
I got to crush it up and snort it
174
00:06:55,069 --> 00:06:57,704
so I don't re-trigger
my addiction to pills.
175
00:06:57,738 --> 00:07:01,991
So, how are you guys enjoying
the rock-and-roll lifestyle?
176
00:07:02,042 --> 00:07:04,627
It sucks. The only stones
he has any stories about
177
00:07:04,662 --> 00:07:06,913
are the ones in his kidneys.
When you're young,
178
00:07:06,947 --> 00:07:09,782
you see a rock star on TV, you
dream about hanging out with him.
179
00:07:09,800 --> 00:07:11,634
And then that dream
finally comes true--
180
00:07:11,669 --> 00:07:13,786
you spend your day
watching the Weather Channel,
181
00:07:13,804 --> 00:07:15,638
talking about compression socks.
182
00:07:17,591 --> 00:07:19,642
I'm just saying, enjoy your circulation
183
00:07:19,677 --> 00:07:21,644
while you still got it, kid.
184
00:07:21,679 --> 00:07:24,931
Deep vein thrombosis
is not as cool as it sounds.
185
00:07:27,968 --> 00:07:30,302
Happy birthday!
Happy birthday!
186
00:07:30,321 --> 00:07:32,855
Ooh, look, everybody--
it's Beauty and the Beast!
187
00:07:32,906 --> 00:07:35,641
Actually, we're Beauty and the Beaver.
Yeah, for 20 bucks
188
00:07:35,659 --> 00:07:38,528
and leftover cake, you don't get
copyrighted characters.
189
00:07:38,579 --> 00:07:41,480
Wait a minute, I thought
you were hiring professionals,
190
00:07:41,498 --> 00:07:43,833
not Andrew
and his ex-wife Donna!
191
00:07:43,867 --> 00:07:45,317
That's ex-ex-wife.
192
00:07:45,336 --> 00:07:46,502
We're back together.
193
00:07:46,537 --> 00:07:49,005
And they are professionals.
194
00:07:49,039 --> 00:07:50,923
Yeah. Just because
we've never done this before
195
00:07:50,958 --> 00:07:54,210
and we haven't been paid doesn't
mean we're not professionals.
196
00:07:54,261 --> 00:07:56,381
Plus, I have always dreamed
of being in show business,
197
00:07:56,430 --> 00:07:59,465
so this act gives me a reason
to not dump Andrew's ass again.
198
00:07:59,499 --> 00:08:01,500
We couldn't be happier.
199
00:08:02,803 --> 00:08:04,971
Look, I know he's four years old,
200
00:08:05,005 --> 00:08:06,939
but he likes it and I like it.
201
00:08:06,974 --> 00:08:08,891
Plus, I even use some of the leftovers
202
00:08:08,942 --> 00:08:10,693
to make this nice, soft cheese
203
00:08:10,728 --> 00:08:13,029
that he loves to put on crackers, so...
204
00:08:13,063 --> 00:08:14,680
why stop breast-feeding now?
205
00:08:18,702 --> 00:08:20,403
This party reminds you of some crazy,
206
00:08:20,454 --> 00:08:22,071
wild stories, huh, Smokey?
207
00:08:22,122 --> 00:08:25,875
I told you, I don't want to
glorify that lifestyle, bro.
208
00:08:25,909 --> 00:08:28,694
No second scoops, kid.
Today it's two,
209
00:08:28,712 --> 00:08:31,130
tomorrow it's three, and then
the next thing you know,
210
00:08:31,165 --> 00:08:33,883
you're behind the Roxy offering
to suck Nikki Sixx's toes
211
00:08:33,917 --> 00:08:36,052
for a scoop of heroin fudge ripple!
212
00:08:37,137 --> 00:08:39,222
Sorry. That got
a little personal.
213
00:08:41,308 --> 00:08:43,209
Pizza Man.
214
00:08:43,227 --> 00:08:45,544
Well... where's the
rest of the pizza?
215
00:08:45,562 --> 00:08:46,896
This is it.
216
00:08:46,930 --> 00:08:50,099
We ordered two super jumbo pizzas.
217
00:08:50,150 --> 00:08:51,934
These are super jumbo pizzas.
218
00:08:51,985 --> 00:08:54,020
We've recently redefined our sizes.
219
00:08:54,054 --> 00:08:55,571
We also have super duper jumbo
220
00:08:55,606 --> 00:08:57,940
and super grande jumbo.
But for a party this size,
221
00:08:57,991 --> 00:09:01,194
you really should have ordered two
"damn, that's too much pizza" pizzas.
222
00:09:01,228 --> 00:09:03,413
All right, well... just
take 'em in the kitchen
223
00:09:03,447 --> 00:09:05,198
and cut 'em into a hundred pieces.
224
00:09:07,751 --> 00:09:08,835
Hey, Pizza Man.
225
00:09:08,869 --> 00:09:10,286
Hey, Smokey Floyd.
226
00:09:20,964 --> 00:09:23,415
Oh, my God, that is so inappropriate.
227
00:09:23,434 --> 00:09:25,751
Oh, no, no, no. I-I was just gonna...
No,
228
00:09:25,769 --> 00:09:28,054
you get to drink while
I have to be sober
229
00:09:28,088 --> 00:09:29,922
trying not to freak out
the losers' three year old
230
00:09:29,940 --> 00:09:31,641
is underneath her shirt going to town.
231
00:09:31,692 --> 00:09:33,476
I know, right?
232
00:09:33,527 --> 00:09:35,311
Come on, girl, hook a sister up.
233
00:09:35,362 --> 00:09:37,113
We can get through this together.
All right.
234
00:09:38,482 --> 00:09:39,783
Hello.
235
00:09:41,599 --> 00:09:43,569
Where would you like me to set up?
Hello.
236
00:09:44,458 --> 00:09:45,580
What is that?
237
00:09:45,700 --> 00:09:47,073
I ordered a bounce house.
238
00:09:47,107 --> 00:09:50,042
No, you ordered a moon bounce.
239
00:09:50,077 --> 00:09:53,246
In what world do you get
a bounce house for $17?
240
00:09:53,280 --> 00:09:55,598
I guess I just thought
you were an idiot.
241
00:09:55,632 --> 00:09:57,449
There's a corner in the living room.
242
00:10:03,006 --> 00:10:04,790
You got to preserve
those precious memories.
243
00:10:04,808 --> 00:10:06,509
Yep.
244
00:10:06,560 --> 00:10:08,594
I tape all my son's parties.
245
00:10:08,628 --> 00:10:10,146
Of course, I mainly do it
246
00:10:10,180 --> 00:10:12,682
so I don't have to talk to any
of the other annoying parents.
247
00:10:12,733 --> 00:10:15,318
I ran out of tape half an hour ago.
248
00:10:15,352 --> 00:10:16,819
Scott.
249
00:10:17,855 --> 00:10:19,638
Jimmy.
250
00:10:19,656 --> 00:10:20,639
Hey.
251
00:10:20,657 --> 00:10:22,275
I just met the coolest dad.
252
00:10:22,309 --> 00:10:24,277
You're kidding!
I just met the coolest mom.
253
00:10:24,311 --> 00:10:26,445
Man, I can't believe we found two.
254
00:10:26,479 --> 00:10:28,281
This party's turning out to be great!
255
00:10:28,315 --> 00:10:30,316
Okay, you've had your five jumps.
256
00:10:30,334 --> 00:10:32,118
That was worth a
ten-minute wait, right?
257
00:10:32,152 --> 00:10:33,652
Oh, boo-hoo!
258
00:10:33,670 --> 00:10:35,576
When I was your age,
I was sewing soccer balls
259
00:10:35,696 --> 00:10:37,340
for eight cents a day!
260
00:10:40,544 --> 00:10:42,044
Let's go.
261
00:10:44,497 --> 00:10:45,681
Aah.
262
00:10:45,716 --> 00:10:47,183
That's scary.
263
00:10:47,217 --> 00:10:50,341
We're losing 'em.
264
00:10:50,461 --> 00:10:52,004
Quick, do "Gangnam Style."
265
00:10:52,022 --> 00:10:53,839
I don't know it.
Just do it!
266
00:10:55,342 --> 00:10:56,859
Look! Gag-'em Style!
267
00:10:56,894 --> 00:10:58,060
Whoo-hoo!
Gag-'em Style!
268
00:10:58,111 --> 00:11:00,313
Gag-'em Style!
269
00:11:02,699 --> 00:11:03,950
Mom, Dad,
270
00:11:03,984 --> 00:11:05,451
look, we've got a problem.
271
00:11:05,485 --> 00:11:07,519
All right, the entertainment
you guys booked sucks,
272
00:11:07,538 --> 00:11:08,871
and everyone is gonna leave.
273
00:11:08,906 --> 00:11:11,207
Okay, we can't work this party.
274
00:11:11,241 --> 00:11:13,125
One of those little animals
just dropped a dirty diaper
275
00:11:13,160 --> 00:11:14,526
down the back of Andrew's costume,
276
00:11:14,545 --> 00:11:15,962
and now he's in the shower crying,
277
00:11:15,996 --> 00:11:18,748
which, as you can imagine,
is a huge turn-on.
278
00:11:18,799 --> 00:11:20,699
Excuse me, darling.
279
00:11:20,717 --> 00:11:23,702
Would a tiny piece of pizza
bring you joy?
280
00:11:23,720 --> 00:11:25,338
I'm sorry...
281
00:11:25,372 --> 00:11:28,707
was I being a crab, man?
282
00:11:29,709 --> 00:11:30,709
I'm sorry.
283
00:11:30,727 --> 00:11:32,044
I have to give you your money back.
284
00:11:32,062 --> 00:11:34,013
Your American children are far too fat,
285
00:11:34,047 --> 00:11:35,598
and they're stretching out my springs.
286
00:11:35,649 --> 00:11:37,900
That trampoline is my only form of
time income.
287
00:11:37,935 --> 00:11:40,719
Great, now we don't even have
the sucky entertainment.
288
00:11:40,737 --> 00:11:42,104
What are we supposed to do now?
289
00:11:42,155 --> 00:11:43,406
You guys got to fix this.
290
00:11:45,909 --> 00:11:47,243
Smokey,
291
00:11:47,277 --> 00:11:51,781
we need to ask you a giant favor.
292
00:11:51,815 --> 00:11:52,898
Would you go out there
293
00:11:52,916 --> 00:11:54,667
and play a song
294
00:11:54,701 --> 00:11:56,686
at my granddaughter's third
birthday party?
295
00:11:58,505 --> 00:12:00,256
I'd be honored.
296
00:12:00,290 --> 00:12:02,574
But I haven't played guitar sober
297
00:12:02,593 --> 00:12:03,709
since I was 12.
298
00:12:03,743 --> 00:12:04,743
I can play guitar.
299
00:12:04,761 --> 00:12:06,462
That's fine, dude,
300
00:12:06,513 --> 00:12:08,014
but I can't hit the high notes.
301
00:12:08,048 --> 00:12:10,266
Never could.
All the high notes on my album
302
00:12:10,300 --> 00:12:12,584
were sung by a little
Filipino boy named Dalawapo.
303
00:12:12,603 --> 00:12:15,587
Oh, well, I can help with the singing.
304
00:12:15,606 --> 00:12:16,973
Me, too, and Andrew and I
305
00:12:17,024 --> 00:12:20,059
have a bunch of instruments,
306
00:12:20,093 --> 00:12:21,927
And I've been known to wow
on slide whistle.
307
00:12:21,945 --> 00:12:23,562
I mean, we've never
even played together.
308
00:12:23,596 --> 00:12:25,781
I mean, how are we gonna
keep time without a drummer?
309
00:12:25,816 --> 00:12:27,984
One, two, three, four.
310
00:12:28,970 --> 00:12:31,318
Hello, children of Natesville
and their caretakers.
311
00:12:31,438 --> 00:12:32,655
I'm Smokey Floyd.
312
00:12:32,706 --> 00:12:34,573
Most of my songs are for adults
313
00:12:34,607 --> 00:12:35,941
who are high on stuff,
314
00:12:35,959 --> 00:12:37,943
but a few years back, I wrote a song
315
00:12:37,961 --> 00:12:40,246
for a really stupid girl I was dating.
316
00:12:40,280 --> 00:12:41,297
I think you all might like it.
317
00:12:41,331 --> 00:12:43,132
Maybe learn a few things, too.
318
00:12:43,166 --> 00:12:44,133
It's called "When You're Alone."
319
00:12:44,167 --> 00:12:45,918
♪ When you're in the kitchen
320
00:12:45,952 --> 00:12:48,004
♪ You've got to behave
321
00:12:48,055 --> 00:12:51,974
♪ You don't put metal in the microwave ♪
322
00:12:52,009 --> 00:12:55,311
♪ The knobs on the stove
are hands-off, no doubt ♪
323
00:12:55,345 --> 00:12:58,130
♪ And if you make toast, you don't use ♪
324
00:12:58,148 --> 00:13:00,099
♪ A knife to fish it out
325
00:13:00,133 --> 00:13:01,967
♪ When you're alone
326
00:13:01,985 --> 00:13:03,969
♪ When you're home alone
327
00:13:03,987 --> 00:13:07,773
♪ You got to stay safe
when you're home all alone ♪
328
00:13:07,807 --> 00:13:09,141
♪ When you're alone
329
00:13:09,159 --> 00:13:11,643
♪ When you're home alone
330
00:13:11,662 --> 00:13:15,114
♪ You got to make sure not to die ♪
331
00:13:15,148 --> 00:13:17,950
♪ Or choke
or burn the house down. ♪
332
00:13:19,002 --> 00:13:21,153
We did it. We're rock stars.
333
00:13:21,171 --> 00:13:22,455
This was awesome.
334
00:13:22,489 --> 00:13:24,540
Must be what it feels like
to be high on drugs.
335
00:13:24,591 --> 00:13:25,657
Oh, not even close.
336
00:13:30,197 --> 00:13:33,766
♪ Happy birthday, dear Hope
337
00:13:33,784 --> 00:13:37,904
♪ Happy birthday to you...
338
00:13:40,624 --> 00:13:43,308
Good night, Natesville.
Thank you.
339
00:13:43,428 --> 00:13:45,829
Sabrina, that band was amazing.
340
00:13:45,847 --> 00:13:48,716
You guys aren't like the other
parents; we should be friends.
341
00:13:48,767 --> 00:13:50,527
You know, we were just saying
the same thing.
342
00:13:50,552 --> 00:13:52,836
Steph, Steph, we got an emergency.
343
00:13:52,854 --> 00:13:54,638
Lochlyn was just holding
another girl's hand,
344
00:13:54,672 --> 00:13:56,557
and I'm all out of hand sanitizer.
345
00:13:56,608 --> 00:13:57,808
We'll meet you in the car.
346
00:13:57,842 --> 00:13:58,893
Come on, honey, come on.
347
00:13:58,944 --> 00:14:00,027
Okay, come on.
348
00:14:00,062 --> 00:14:01,845
Come on.
See you guys around the park?
349
00:14:03,198 --> 00:14:04,532
Yeah.
350
00:14:04,566 --> 00:14:06,650
Oh, no, she's married to that jerk?
351
00:14:06,684 --> 00:14:08,235
Well, we still have Scott.
352
00:14:08,286 --> 00:14:09,820
Hopefully his wife is cool.
353
00:14:09,854 --> 00:14:11,455
Scott, Scott, Scott,
354
00:14:11,490 --> 00:14:13,124
my sister just
e-mailed me a video
355
00:14:13,158 --> 00:14:15,126
that is definitely the next dance craze.
356
00:14:15,160 --> 00:14:17,040
I already taught Allister
the first three steps.
357
00:14:17,045 --> 00:14:18,412
Go ahead, buddy.
Come on, Allister.
358
00:14:18,463 --> 00:14:20,748
Do the dance.
359
00:14:20,799 --> 00:14:22,016
Show daddy.
360
00:14:22,050 --> 00:14:23,918
Hope doesn't need any
kid friends, right?
361
00:14:23,952 --> 00:14:25,553
Nope, she's gonna make friends
in college.
362
00:14:25,587 --> 00:14:28,728
That was the most amazing thing ever.
363
00:14:28,848 --> 00:14:29,757
I'm so excited.
364
00:14:29,808 --> 00:14:31,258
I can't stop bouncing.
365
00:14:31,309 --> 00:14:34,261
I'm so excited
you can't stop bouncing, too.
366
00:14:34,312 --> 00:14:36,713
You know, there's kids parties this town
367
00:14:36,732 --> 00:14:38,099
every weekend that need entertainment.
368
00:14:38,150 --> 00:14:39,383
And you heard that crowd.
369
00:14:39,401 --> 00:14:40,901
They loved us.
370
00:14:40,936 --> 00:14:42,052
We could be huge.
371
00:14:42,070 --> 00:14:43,854
Oh, we could be bigger than huge.
372
00:14:43,888 --> 00:14:46,223
We could be the Winger of kid's music.
373
00:14:46,241 --> 00:14:48,075
Geez...!
374
00:14:48,110 --> 00:14:50,110
Which is why it's hard to do
what I got to do.
375
00:14:50,356 --> 00:14:51,576
Breaking up the band.
376
00:14:51,997 --> 00:14:53,969
You can't do that.
377
00:14:54,089 --> 00:14:56,033
I finally discovered my purpose in life
378
00:14:56,067 --> 00:14:58,452
is not to run a food pantry
for the homeless.
379
00:14:58,503 --> 00:15:01,738
I was born to be a dancing
beaver in a kid's band.
380
00:15:01,757 --> 00:15:03,457
That set was so awesome!
381
00:15:03,508 --> 00:15:04,908
That wasn't a set, bro.
382
00:15:04,926 --> 00:15:06,594
You can't be awesome with one song.
383
00:15:06,628 --> 00:15:09,844
Yeah, well, um,
what about Francis Scott Key?
384
00:15:09,964 --> 00:15:11,298
How many songs did she write?
385
00:15:11,349 --> 00:15:12,767
I'm a concert cellist.
386
00:15:12,801 --> 00:15:14,218
I can help write some songs.
387
00:15:14,252 --> 00:15:15,686
And I can help him.
388
00:15:15,720 --> 00:15:18,305
We could lock ourselves in a room
389
00:15:18,356 --> 00:15:21,925
and not come out of there
until our thighs ache.
390
00:15:21,943 --> 00:15:25,729
That's the spirit, guys.
391
00:15:25,763 --> 00:15:28,240
Guys, that's not how the music
business works, all right?
392
00:15:28,360 --> 00:15:30,093
Plus, we don't even have a manager.
393
00:15:30,111 --> 00:15:31,946
Uh, I-I'll be your manager.
394
00:15:31,980 --> 00:15:33,397
I was the equipment manager
395
00:15:33,431 --> 00:15:34,898
for my high school marching band.
396
00:15:34,932 --> 00:15:36,767
I didn't have what it took
to play the triangle,
397
00:15:36,785 --> 00:15:38,485
but the band director said
I had chutzpa.
398
00:15:39,542 --> 00:15:40,922
Guys, I'm done.
399
00:15:41,042 --> 00:15:43,407
Smokey's rock and roll days
are behind him.
400
00:15:43,441 --> 00:15:47,161
Now I'm just an everyday schnook
like you chump stains.
401
00:15:47,212 --> 00:15:48,879
You said you'd put me on your list
402
00:15:48,913 --> 00:15:51,665
because you denied me
the Smokey Floyd experience.
403
00:15:51,716 --> 00:15:54,375
Now you're doing it again to all of us.
404
00:15:54,495 --> 00:15:57,021
You're gonna have to put
all of us on your list.
405
00:15:57,055 --> 00:15:58,889
Brother, at this rate,
406
00:15:58,923 --> 00:16:01,158
you're never gonna finish
crossing off that list.
407
00:16:01,192 --> 00:16:03,994
And we're not the only ones
who are gonna be disappointed.
408
00:16:04,029 --> 00:16:06,697
A lot of people will be disappointed.
409
00:16:13,805 --> 00:16:16,273
You know, I've never really been
a big believer in karma.
410
00:16:16,307 --> 00:16:18,993
Maybe that's why my life's been
such a mess.
411
00:16:19,027 --> 00:16:22,196
If you guys want to do this, I'm in.
412
00:16:23,879 --> 00:16:26,116
We're getting the band back together.
413
00:16:29,170 --> 00:16:31,154
♪ When you're in the kitchen
414
00:16:31,172 --> 00:16:32,823
♪ You've got to behave
415
00:16:32,841 --> 00:16:36,877
♪ You don't put metal in the microwave ♪
416
00:16:36,928 --> 00:16:40,464
♪ The knobs on the stove
are hands-off, no doubt ♪
417
00:16:40,498 --> 00:16:43,050
♪ And if you make toast,
you don't use a knife ♪
418
00:16:43,101 --> 00:16:45,569
♪ To fish it out
419
00:16:45,603 --> 00:16:48,105
♪ When you're alone,
when you're home alone ♪
420
00:16:48,123 --> 00:16:52,275
♪ You got to stay safe
when you're home all alone ♪
421
00:16:52,293 --> 00:16:54,495
♪ When you're alone
422
00:16:54,546 --> 00:16:56,330
♪ When you're home alone
423
00:16:56,381 --> 00:16:59,616
♪ You got to make sure not to die ♪
424
00:16:59,634 --> 00:17:02,503
♪ Or choke or burn the house down ♪
425
00:17:02,554 --> 00:17:04,004
♪ If you fall down and bump...
426
00:17:04,432 --> 00:17:06,433
Before they knew it, the band
427
00:17:06,468 --> 00:17:07,718
was getting offers all over.
428
00:17:07,769 --> 00:17:09,436
They were a huge hit.
429
00:17:09,471 --> 00:17:12,639
Mom and Dad were finally living
the rock and roll fantasy
430
00:17:12,673 --> 00:17:14,224
they dreamed of their whole life.
431
00:17:14,275 --> 00:17:18,145
Living on the road,
adoring fans, high fives.
432
00:17:18,179 --> 00:17:19,563
They even had T-shirts.
433
00:17:19,614 --> 00:17:22,199
♪ When you're home alone
434
00:17:22,233 --> 00:17:27,237
♪ You got to stay safe
when you're home all alone ♪
435
00:17:27,288 --> 00:17:29,123
♪ When you're alone,
when you're home alone... ♪
436
00:17:29,157 --> 00:17:31,575
And Mom and dad got something
even Foghat never had,
437
00:17:31,626 --> 00:17:33,994
stars in the produce aisle
438
00:17:34,028 --> 00:17:36,497
of their hometown grocery store.
439
00:17:36,531 --> 00:17:38,665
You guys, you guys,
you're not gonna believe it.
440
00:17:38,699 --> 00:17:40,801
Someone who saw you at the
Natesville East Diaper-palooza
441
00:17:40,835 --> 00:17:42,202
e-mailed his rich uncle
from Florida
442
00:17:42,220 --> 00:17:44,388
a video of your performance,
and he's flying us in
443
00:17:44,422 --> 00:17:45,839
on his private jet.
444
00:17:45,873 --> 00:17:46,840
Rock and roll!
445
00:17:48,126 --> 00:17:49,697
This gig
446
00:17:49,817 --> 00:17:50,744
is just the beginning.
447
00:17:50,869 --> 00:17:51,953
You know how many billionaires
448
00:17:51,987 --> 00:17:53,287
want to throw money at their kids
449
00:17:53,322 --> 00:17:54,622
to make up for their divorces?
450
00:17:54,656 --> 00:17:55,823
Fifty-two.
451
00:17:55,874 --> 00:17:57,041
Uh, well I don't know the actual number.
452
00:17:57,075 --> 00:17:58,376
Sixty-two.
453
00:17:58,410 --> 00:17:59,543
Sure, let's go with 62.
454
00:17:59,578 --> 00:18:00,944
We could've gone with 52.
455
00:18:00,963 --> 00:18:02,213
I'm just saying, this could be
456
00:18:02,247 --> 00:18:03,781
the most important
kindergarten graduation party
457
00:18:03,799 --> 00:18:05,333
of your lives.
458
00:18:07,252 --> 00:18:08,586
We're living our dream, Virginia.
459
00:18:08,620 --> 00:18:10,004
I know.
460
00:18:10,055 --> 00:18:12,456
You can do anything you want
in these private jets.
461
00:18:12,474 --> 00:18:14,225
I put a knife inside this water bottle,
462
00:18:14,259 --> 00:18:15,843
and nobody even said anything.
463
00:18:15,894 --> 00:18:17,028
We should get hope a T-shirt
464
00:18:17,062 --> 00:18:18,312
from every Rock and Roll Cafe we visit.
465
00:18:18,347 --> 00:18:20,631
They might even put our
name up on the wall.
466
00:18:20,649 --> 00:18:22,400
Only this time,
it won't be after the words,
467
00:18:22,434 --> 00:18:23,985
"Do not accept checks from..."
468
00:18:25,737 --> 00:18:27,905
Oh, snap, what was that?
469
00:18:27,939 --> 00:18:30,691
We're flying into a dangerous storm.
470
00:18:30,742 --> 00:18:33,327
The good news is I'm one
of the most accomplished pilots
471
00:18:33,362 --> 00:18:34,645
in all of Nigeria.
472
00:18:35,530 --> 00:18:36,781
The bad news is
473
00:18:36,815 --> 00:18:38,532
all controls are in English.
474
00:18:41,787 --> 00:18:43,754
Rock and roll.
475
00:18:46,925 --> 00:18:48,759
Whoo! Baby!
476
00:18:55,589 --> 00:18:56,839
Ooh! Oh, my God.
477
00:18:56,873 --> 00:18:58,207
Bert, I'm so scared.
478
00:18:58,241 --> 00:19:00,542
Me, too.
And we were almost famous.
479
00:19:00,576 --> 00:19:02,678
Don't be afraid.
480
00:19:02,712 --> 00:19:05,431
We have found a football field
where we can land the plane,
481
00:19:05,465 --> 00:19:07,416
unless they go into overtime.
482
00:19:08,602 --> 00:19:09,751
Then we're going to shoot
483
00:19:09,769 --> 00:19:10,970
for the miniature golf course.
484
00:19:11,021 --> 00:19:12,304
Miniature golf course?
485
00:19:12,355 --> 00:19:13,689
Maybe it's a regular golf course
486
00:19:13,723 --> 00:19:15,474
that just looks tiny from up here.
487
00:19:16,860 --> 00:19:18,143
If we don't make it,
488
00:19:18,194 --> 00:19:20,562
maybe I never said this enough,
489
00:19:20,596 --> 00:19:21,730
but I love all of you.
490
00:19:21,764 --> 00:19:23,565
You guys are like family to me.
491
00:19:23,599 --> 00:19:26,118
And if I took an extra dollar
or two out of petty cash,
492
00:19:26,152 --> 00:19:28,103
it's because, well,
you guys don't pay me.
493
00:19:28,121 --> 00:19:31,040
I hit a turtle with my car
four years ago.
494
00:19:31,074 --> 00:19:33,158
I just hit it and kept driving.
495
00:19:33,209 --> 00:19:37,112
Not a day goes by that I don't
see that cute little face.
496
00:19:37,130 --> 00:19:39,915
My pet, Mr. Turtle, has been
missing for roughly four years.
497
00:19:39,949 --> 00:19:41,116
It was probably him.
498
00:19:41,134 --> 00:19:42,501
I'm sorry.
499
00:19:42,552 --> 00:19:43,719
Oh, that's okay,
500
00:19:43,753 --> 00:19:44,920
because I slept with your wife Donna.
501
00:19:46,890 --> 00:19:48,390
Me, too.
502
00:19:48,425 --> 00:19:49,124
Me, too.
503
00:19:49,142 --> 00:19:50,175
Damn it!
504
00:19:50,226 --> 00:19:51,760
Why the hell did we do this?
505
00:19:51,794 --> 00:19:53,178
We had everything.
506
00:19:53,229 --> 00:19:54,796
We had the perfect life.
507
00:19:54,814 --> 00:19:57,182
I know, we made it to grandparents.
508
00:19:57,233 --> 00:20:00,436
Now we'll never see Hope grow up
to be something great,
509
00:20:00,470 --> 00:20:03,572
like the first female astronaut.
510
00:20:03,606 --> 00:20:05,974
We threw it all away, and for what?
511
00:20:05,992 --> 00:20:07,860
Another rock star gone before his time.
512
00:20:07,911 --> 00:20:10,779
Like Elvis or Buddy Holly or Adam Ant.
513
00:20:10,813 --> 00:20:12,781
Adam Ant? He's still alive.
I thought
514
00:20:12,815 --> 00:20:14,683
he died in a helicopter crash
with Billy Idol.
515
00:20:14,717 --> 00:20:16,268
Also still alive.
516
00:20:17,937 --> 00:20:20,072
I'm in the Witness Protection Program.
517
00:20:21,057 --> 00:20:22,157
I've been sneaking drinks
518
00:20:22,192 --> 00:20:24,777
these last couple weeks.
519
00:20:24,828 --> 00:20:26,362
I used to be a stripper.
520
00:20:26,396 --> 00:20:27,746
Oh, screw it.
521
00:20:27,781 --> 00:20:29,248
I'm married to a man who's gay.
522
00:20:29,282 --> 00:20:31,066
What?
Just because I had
523
00:20:31,084 --> 00:20:32,734
that dream about Bert
524
00:20:32,752 --> 00:20:34,787
where he was a horse
and I'm riding him bareback
525
00:20:34,838 --> 00:20:36,405
doesn't mean I'm gay.
526
00:20:36,423 --> 00:20:39,241
My therapist says that could
mean any number of things.
527
00:20:44,964 --> 00:20:47,299
Thank God above, we're alive!
528
00:20:47,350 --> 00:20:48,917
We're gonna make it.
529
00:20:48,935 --> 00:20:50,052
Sweet relief.
530
00:20:56,592 --> 00:20:59,761
Smokey, this isn't for us.
531
00:20:59,779 --> 00:21:01,313
What do you mean, dude?
532
00:21:01,364 --> 00:21:02,981
As good as it sounds,
533
00:21:03,032 --> 00:21:05,100
we can't travel the
world on a jet with you.
534
00:21:05,118 --> 00:21:07,611
We've realized we have a life
in Natesville,
535
00:21:07,731 --> 00:21:09,738
with our granddaughter,
that's just too important
536
00:21:09,772 --> 00:21:11,073
to miss out on.
537
00:21:11,829 --> 00:21:12,879
So, thanks for giving us
538
00:21:12,930 --> 00:21:14,598
a rock and roll experience, Smokey.
539
00:21:14,632 --> 00:21:16,833
You can cross us off your list.
540
00:21:19,670 --> 00:21:22,305
Turns out Bert and Virginia
541
00:21:22,339 --> 00:21:23,840
didn't really want
the rock and roll lifestyle
542
00:21:23,858 --> 00:21:26,276
as much as they thought they did.
543
00:21:26,310 --> 00:21:27,844
They realized their place was
in Natesville,
544
00:21:27,862 --> 00:21:29,629
raising their granddaughter.
545
00:21:30,284 --> 00:21:40,586
Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com
546
00:21:41,000 --> 00:21:44,103
Best watched using Open Subtitles MKV Player
547
00:21:44,153 --> 00:21:48,703
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0
40175
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