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1
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Jessica: This is the story of 10 strangers,
3
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one night, and all the stupid,
embarrassing, ridiculous things we do...
4
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To find love.
5
00:00:20,298 --> 00:00:21,796
Hi.
6
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Oh, hello.
7
00:00:23,306 --> 00:00:27,455
You don't know it yet, but I am by far
the best guy in this entire bar for you.
8
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And at closing time,
I'm gonna take you home,
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00:00:29,174 --> 00:00:33,052
and I will bathe you, head to toe,
and then I'm gonna deliver upon you
10
00:00:33,053 --> 00:00:36,982
the greatest, most orgasmic sex of
your entire life. You'll explode.
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00:00:36,983 --> 00:00:38,724
My place is prepped for
it. Don't worry about it.
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I'll put you back together, bathe you
once again, and pay for a cab ride home.
13
00:00:41,327 --> 00:00:43,058
What do you say?
14
00:00:43,764 --> 00:00:45,463
Who are you?
15
00:00:45,464 --> 00:00:47,870
They call me... Bruce.
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.::Sync and corrected by thatjulio::.
.::www.addic7ed.com::.
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- How'd it go?
- It went amazing, dude.
18
00:00:54,605 --> 00:00:57,046
Single mothers are so, so easy.
19
00:00:57,047 --> 00:00:59,371
It's... it's like they're tired, they're
horny, they're paying for a sitter.
20
00:00:59,372 --> 00:01:01,213
All they want to do, Tommy, is knock it out
21
00:01:01,214 --> 00:01:02,872
with something that
vaguely resembles a man...
22
00:01:02,873 --> 00:01:04,946
that's this guy... and
then they want to go home.
23
00:01:04,947 --> 00:01:08,006
- It's simple economics.
- No, that's not economics.
24
00:01:08,007 --> 00:01:09,259
- Yes, it is.
- No, it's not.
25
00:01:11,785 --> 00:01:13,316
Whatever.
26
00:01:13,351 --> 00:01:15,287
- So, you got her number?
- Hell, I did one better.
27
00:01:15,288 --> 00:01:17,979
I dropped an Anchor Baby! Kaplunk.
28
00:01:17,980 --> 00:01:21,159
- You gave her a baby?
- It's my drink. An Anchor Baby.
29
00:01:21,160 --> 00:01:23,917
Okay? It gives me a reason to
go approach her one more time.
30
00:01:23,918 --> 00:01:26,537
You never go back to a girl
more than two times... Okay.
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Except if you have an excuse,
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otherwise, they freak
out and they mace you.
33
00:01:31,477 --> 00:01:32,942
So I'm gonna go back over
there in a little bit.
34
00:01:32,943 --> 00:01:34,614
I'm gonna pick up my drink.
I'm gonna pick up her number.
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I'm gonna pick her up and
take her home and "ca-rush" it.
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00:01:37,550 --> 00:01:40,909
I got this in the bag,
kids. High fives in advance.
37
00:01:41,791 --> 00:01:44,559
You took a private jet to Cuba?
38
00:01:44,560 --> 00:01:46,570
Your life is so exciting.
39
00:01:46,571 --> 00:01:48,217
- Can I confess something?
- Yeah.
40
00:01:48,218 --> 00:01:50,631
- I'm actually Jay Z.
- [Laughs]
41
00:01:51,448 --> 00:01:55,787
Well, I am really happy
I met you tonight, Mr. Z.
42
00:01:55,788 --> 00:01:57,640
Yeah. Me too.
43
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Truly, it has brightened my night.
44
00:02:00,221 --> 00:02:01,518
I, um...
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I have to tell you something.
46
00:02:08,147 --> 00:02:09,495
Well...
47
00:02:10,214 --> 00:02:11,954
Yes. [Chuckles]
48
00:02:11,955 --> 00:02:14,076
I know this is all so
sudden, but I feel it, too.
49
00:02:14,077 --> 00:02:18,765
No. I, um... I'm engaged.
50
00:02:19,599 --> 00:02:21,774
Yeah. Of course you are.
51
00:02:22,425 --> 00:02:24,489
Women of your caliber are never single.
52
00:02:26,211 --> 00:02:28,307
I just... I feel weird,
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'cause my fianc?e is at
home washing our cats,
54
00:02:31,793 --> 00:02:36,351
and I'm here having a drink with
a dashing Internet millionaire.
55
00:02:36,352 --> 00:02:39,721
Eh, not a millionaire anymore.
That was this morning.
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00:02:39,722 --> 00:02:41,438
- Oh, I'm sor... no, I know.
- That's all right.
57
00:02:41,439 --> 00:02:44,605
It's... but, you know,
I-I've never met someone
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00:02:44,606 --> 00:02:47,237
who could lose so much money
so fast... it's exciting!
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00:02:47,238 --> 00:02:49,685
I wish I could lose that
much money that quickly.
60
00:02:49,686 --> 00:02:52,643
Right, but in a cruel twist of fate,
I'd much rather be at home
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00:02:52,644 --> 00:02:55,430
with someone I loved washing our cats.
62
00:02:55,431 --> 00:02:57,135
- Really?
- Yeah.
63
00:02:57,339 --> 00:03:00,491
If, in fact, washing cats was
something people actually did.
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00:03:00,492 --> 00:03:02,119
I'm pretty sure they're
self-cleaning animals.
65
00:03:02,120 --> 00:03:03,543
- [Laughs]
- Are they definitely cats?
66
00:03:03,544 --> 00:03:06,889
I just... you know, I
don't do crazy things.
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This is the craziest thing I've ever done.
68
00:03:09,530 --> 00:03:11,487
I've never even jaywalked.
69
00:03:11,488 --> 00:03:16,235
Look, maybe tonight should be the
night that you just let yourself go.
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00:03:16,236 --> 00:03:18,189
- Really?
- Yeah. Trust me.
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00:03:18,190 --> 00:03:20,997
- I'm British. We invented repression.
- [Laughs]
72
00:03:20,998 --> 00:03:24,557
Right. You've got to go crazy once in
a while, or you'll just instantly become
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- a bitter, old British alcoholic man.
- Ooh.
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- Like Margaret Thatcher.
- Oh. [Laughs]
75
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So, I want to see you going nuts.
76
00:03:31,917 --> 00:03:33,134
Okay.
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Okay, I will.
78
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- Yeah?
- Maybe.
79
00:03:36,203 --> 00:03:37,551
[Glasses clink]
80
00:03:38,488 --> 00:03:39,885
Thanks for the Blue Hawaiian!
81
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Delicious.
82
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- Blue Hawaiian?
- Oh, my God. He sent another one?
83
00:03:44,525 --> 00:03:46,563
No, this one's from those guys.
84
00:03:46,564 --> 00:03:47,586
Oh.
85
00:03:47,587 --> 00:03:49,780
Together: Aloha! [All talking]
86
00:03:50,644 --> 00:03:52,584
Oh, no. Hawaiians.
87
00:03:52,585 --> 00:03:54,383
How do you know they're Hawaiian?
88
00:03:54,384 --> 00:03:56,724
- Look at their feet.
- Flip flops?
89
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- Yeah, exactly.
- Oh, my God. I hate Hawaiians.
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00:03:59,734 --> 00:04:02,165
This... this happens all the time.
They think that I'm from Hawaii.
91
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I'm not from Hawaii!
92
00:04:03,413 --> 00:04:04,914
[Men whooping]
93
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Yeah, I'm from the Mainland!
94
00:04:06,148 --> 00:04:07,638
Uh-huh. Pittsburgh!
95
00:04:07,639 --> 00:04:09,131
[Men whooping]
96
00:04:12,356 --> 00:04:15,511
Okay. Let's find a guy for Jess now.
97
00:04:15,512 --> 00:04:18,528
What about... that guy?
98
00:04:18,529 --> 00:04:20,424
- Ohh.
- That guy?
99
00:04:20,425 --> 00:04:22,148
The old dude?
100
00:04:23,497 --> 00:04:26,758
I just hate to see you get
hurt going after someone good.
101
00:04:27,947 --> 00:04:29,262
I got to pee.
102
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[Scoffs]
103
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There you are.
104
00:04:34,192 --> 00:04:35,204
[Sighs]
105
00:04:35,826 --> 00:04:38,086
- Nice Anchor Baby.
- [Coughs]
106
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- It's good.
- [Clears throat]
107
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What's that?
108
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Oh, you left your drink here
109
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so you'd have a reason to come
back and talk to me. [Scoffs]
110
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Being a little paranoid, don't you think?
111
00:04:46,823 --> 00:04:48,487
And now you're negging me.
112
00:04:48,488 --> 00:04:51,349
Wow. This is like a pickup from 2004.
113
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Look [Sighs]
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This is so not gonna happen.
115
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I'm just... I'm not into your type.
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[Scoffs] You're not into eccentric
billionaires with massively large penises?
117
00:05:00,776 --> 00:05:01,769
Nope.
118
00:05:01,770 --> 00:05:04,273
Uh, more like the guy who didn't
get any girls in high school
119
00:05:04,274 --> 00:05:08,030
so now you bang as many chicks as humanly
possible so you can convince yourself
120
00:05:08,031 --> 00:05:11,795
that you're not that sad, little
dork who none of the girls liked.
121
00:05:12,826 --> 00:05:14,139
Am I getting close?
122
00:05:15,950 --> 00:05:17,701
Yeah, she was getting close.
123
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Bruce was born 18 pounds, 9 ounces.
124
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His parents were so happy...
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and a little alarmed.
126
00:05:24,602 --> 00:05:27,332
Bruce had two older
brothers, Kyle and Doug.
127
00:05:27,333 --> 00:05:29,818
They were bright, athletic, popular boys.
128
00:05:29,819 --> 00:05:32,432
Bruce was... also a boy.
129
00:05:34,161 --> 00:05:36,262
Oh! [Laughter]
130
00:05:36,263 --> 00:05:38,440
Bruce desperately tried to meet girls,
131
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but three obstacles stood in his way...
132
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one, he talked too much,
133
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two, he had the pear-shaped
body of a middle-aged woman,
134
00:05:45,492 --> 00:05:47,323
and, three, his brothers.
135
00:05:48,978 --> 00:05:51,247
Then he met Dawn.
136
00:05:51,248 --> 00:05:54,024
In the history of people
who have loved people,
137
00:05:54,025 --> 00:05:58,504
no one has ever loved anyone
more than Bruce loved Dawn.
138
00:05:59,210 --> 00:06:03,395
Unfortunately, Dawn saw Bruce as
just a friend, so for her birthday,
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00:06:03,396 --> 00:06:07,589
Bruce decided to make her a special
romantic dinner to change all that.
140
00:06:07,590 --> 00:06:09,291
Uh, hey, Dawn?
141
00:06:09,292 --> 00:06:10,911
Ketchup on your tots?!
142
00:06:10,912 --> 00:06:13,164
Sure! Anything's fine!
143
00:06:13,801 --> 00:06:15,669
I like ketchup, too!
144
00:06:15,670 --> 00:06:18,249
God, it's insane how
much we have in common!
145
00:06:19,118 --> 00:06:21,963
Okay. Dinner's finally ready.
146
00:06:23,170 --> 00:06:24,630
Dawn?
147
00:06:24,880 --> 00:06:29,017
Bruce's heart broke into a million
pieces when he saw dawn with Kyle.
148
00:06:29,705 --> 00:06:30,902
Seeing Doug didn't help, either.
149
00:06:30,903 --> 00:06:33,220
Hey, Doofus, go get us some Gatorades.
150
00:06:35,472 --> 00:06:38,082
Bruce never wanted to feel this way again,
151
00:06:38,083 --> 00:06:41,811
so he decided to study women the
way a general studies the enemy
152
00:06:41,812 --> 00:06:45,160
and then use that knowledge
to crush ass on a global scale.
153
00:06:46,289 --> 00:06:49,774
I'm sure you get laid all the time
because there are plenty of broken girls
154
00:06:49,775 --> 00:06:54,017
who are like, "wow, he's cynical
and he wears an army jacket"?
155
00:06:54,018 --> 00:06:56,630
Oh, my God. That's so
original. How can I hit that?"
156
00:06:56,631 --> 00:07:00,690
But, see, all the sex in the world can't
hide the fact that deep down inside,
157
00:07:00,691 --> 00:07:03,417
you really are that sad, little dork
who just wants the girls to like you.
158
00:07:04,018 --> 00:07:06,714
So... Yeah. That's your type.
159
00:07:07,521 --> 00:07:09,073
[Sighs]
160
00:07:12,838 --> 00:07:14,615
[Hoarse voice] This is
gonna be harder than I thought.
161
00:07:14,616 --> 00:07:15,859
Hmm?
162
00:07:16,640 --> 00:07:19,733
163
00:07:28,948 --> 00:07:30,231
164
00:07:30,232 --> 00:07:31,661
[Cheering]
165
00:07:31,662 --> 00:07:34,542
- And don't bow. What are you doing?
- I'm sorry. How'd it go?
166
00:07:35,671 --> 00:07:38,847
It's like she saw into
the very core of my soul.
167
00:07:38,848 --> 00:07:42,606
- Oh, my God. That's amazing.
- And she hated it.
168
00:07:42,607 --> 00:07:43,878
Oh.
169
00:07:43,879 --> 00:07:45,176
But I loved it.
170
00:07:45,177 --> 00:07:46,264
Oh, okay. So...
171
00:07:46,265 --> 00:07:48,582
Yeah, I'm totally lost, dude.
Do you like this chick or not?
172
00:07:48,583 --> 00:07:51,034
I have no idea. It's crazy.
173
00:07:51,035 --> 00:07:54,020
I just know she's a worthy
adversary, and I must make her mine
174
00:07:54,021 --> 00:07:56,559
or I will blow her up
and destroy her forever.
175
00:07:56,560 --> 00:07:57,720
Wait. You're gonna go
back there a third time?
176
00:07:57,721 --> 00:08:00,002
You just said you can't go
back to a girl more than twice.
177
00:08:00,003 --> 00:08:02,878
I am a hero, and heroes
always break the rules.
178
00:08:02,879 --> 00:08:04,086
Didn't you see "Ratatouille"?
179
00:08:04,087 --> 00:08:05,569
So, what's your next play?
180
00:08:05,570 --> 00:08:06,595
- Preacher?
- Unh-unh.
181
00:08:06,596 --> 00:08:07,608
- Tropic of Cancer?
- No.
182
00:08:07,609 --> 00:08:08,749
- Drunk Potato?
- Hmm.
183
00:08:08,750 --> 00:08:09,639
- Ram Jam.
- Mnh.
184
00:08:09,640 --> 00:08:10,775
- Banana Hammock.
- Hmm.
185
00:08:10,776 --> 00:08:12,306
- Ooh! Stuff and Puff.
- Mnh-Mnh.
186
00:08:12,307 --> 00:08:13,643
- Asscapades.
- No, no.
187
00:08:13,644 --> 00:08:15,105
None of that old stuff is gonna work, okay?
188
00:08:15,106 --> 00:08:16,488
I'm hunting big game.
189
00:08:16,489 --> 00:08:18,127
It's kill or be killed.
190
00:08:18,128 --> 00:08:20,020
I think you should just
tell her how you feel.
191
00:08:23,213 --> 00:08:27,286
[Both laughing]
192
00:08:27,287 --> 00:08:28,679
Stupid. [Laughs]
193
00:08:28,680 --> 00:08:30,794
[Both laughing]
194
00:08:31,510 --> 00:08:33,682
Yes, this one is a
classic. Steal their drink.
195
00:08:33,683 --> 00:08:36,177
Come on. If I do this, I want to go big.
196
00:08:36,178 --> 00:08:37,857
Yes, okay! Well, what'd you have in mind?
197
00:08:38,864 --> 00:08:40,277
What if we kill a drifter?
198
00:08:41,479 --> 00:08:43,367
I'm kidding! [Chuckles]
199
00:08:43,368 --> 00:08:46,994
Oh, but I do like where you're going
with this stealing-something thing.
200
00:08:46,995 --> 00:08:50,762
Ooh, what if I stole something
funny from the men's room?
201
00:08:50,763 --> 00:08:53,227
- Brilliant. Steal a toilet.
- [Chuckles] I got to go.
202
00:08:53,821 --> 00:08:57,278
Oh, think about the drifter
thing while I'm gone, okay?
203
00:08:57,279 --> 00:08:58,580
[Nervously] Okay.
204
00:08:58,581 --> 00:08:59,868
Just kidding.
205
00:09:01,060 --> 00:09:02,323
I'm not kidding.
206
00:09:03,373 --> 00:09:04,862
Ohh.
207
00:09:07,614 --> 00:09:08,748
How's it?
208
00:09:08,749 --> 00:09:10,340
[Laughs quietly] Uh, no.
209
00:09:10,341 --> 00:09:11,948
Which island you from, Coconut Girl?
210
00:09:11,949 --> 00:09:14,403
Uh, yeah, I'm still not from Hawaii, dude.
211
00:09:14,404 --> 00:09:18,660
You can leave the islands, but the
islands can never leave you, sister.
212
00:09:18,661 --> 00:09:20,430
Now we're related. That's...
213
00:09:21,163 --> 00:09:22,913
Wait. How high are you right now?
214
00:09:24,558 --> 00:09:25,928
Pretty high.
215
00:09:25,929 --> 00:09:27,281
Wow. Yeah.
216
00:09:27,282 --> 00:09:29,127
Okay, I'm gonna go
ahead and shut this down.
217
00:09:29,128 --> 00:09:30,367
Keoki!
218
00:09:30,368 --> 00:09:33,184
- Aloha, sister! You joining us?
- Hi!
219
00:09:33,185 --> 00:09:36,669
Uh, no, no. Sorry, guys. I'm
not here for a fresh hang.
220
00:09:36,670 --> 00:09:38,509
I'm just here to set the
record straight for the night.
221
00:09:38,510 --> 00:09:39,600
I'm not from Hawaii.
222
00:09:39,601 --> 00:09:41,968
I've never been to Hawaii. I hate Hawaii.
223
00:09:41,969 --> 00:09:43,300
I hate the flower shirts.
224
00:09:43,301 --> 00:09:44,834
I hate the neon drinks.
225
00:09:44,835 --> 00:09:46,685
I hate your alphabet that has
like six different letters in it
226
00:09:46,686 --> 00:09:47,881
but then all of them are "K."
227
00:09:47,882 --> 00:09:51,526
If Hawaii sinks back into the ocean and
disappeared for the rest of our lives,
228
00:09:51,527 --> 00:09:53,439
my life wouldn't even change.
229
00:09:53,440 --> 00:09:54,964
I'd be like, "oh, Hawaii's gone,"
230
00:09:54,965 --> 00:09:57,426
and then I'd go right back
to doing whatever I was doing
231
00:09:57,427 --> 00:09:59,185
like nothing even happened.
232
00:09:59,186 --> 00:10:00,563
Okay?
233
00:10:02,031 --> 00:10:04,077
So... you from Waianae?
234
00:10:04,078 --> 00:10:06,011
[Laughter]
235
00:10:06,012 --> 00:10:07,779
All right, brother!
236
00:10:08,328 --> 00:10:09,575
Well, what do you want me to say?
237
00:10:09,576 --> 00:10:11,372
I don't know. You could say anything.
238
00:10:11,373 --> 00:10:13,251
- Oh, yeah?
- Mm-hmm.
239
00:10:13,252 --> 00:10:14,888
Well, what do you want to know?
240
00:10:14,889 --> 00:10:16,888
Two scotches neat. Thank you, barkeep.
241
00:10:17,750 --> 00:10:19,222
On the double. [Knocks on bar]
242
00:10:19,223 --> 00:10:21,101
- Make it a double.
- Coming right up.
243
00:10:21,102 --> 00:10:22,155
- Mm-hmm.
- Come on, dude.
244
00:10:22,156 --> 00:10:24,086
I'm just helping you out. Trust me.
245
00:10:24,087 --> 00:10:26,614
You don't want that guy. Let
your weirdo friend have him.
246
00:10:26,615 --> 00:10:28,172
And why don't I want him?
247
00:10:28,173 --> 00:10:30,084
Because he's super hot,
248
00:10:30,085 --> 00:10:31,982
and hot people are terrible in bed.
249
00:10:31,983 --> 00:10:33,444
They don't do the work.
They're all starfish.
250
00:10:34,346 --> 00:10:35,908
What? Starfish?
251
00:10:35,909 --> 00:10:37,622
Starfish. They just lay there.
252
00:10:37,623 --> 00:10:39,128
[Stifled chuckle]
253
00:10:39,129 --> 00:10:40,854
What you want is an ugly guy.
254
00:10:40,855 --> 00:10:44,247
- Ugly guys... they're great in bed.
- Mm.
255
00:10:44,248 --> 00:10:47,205
You see, ugly guys work intensely
hard because we're just so grateful
256
00:10:47,206 --> 00:10:49,197
that someone's sleeping with
us in the first place. Mm.
257
00:10:49,198 --> 00:10:53,097
Plus we do all the dirty jobs
that no one else wants to do.
258
00:10:53,098 --> 00:10:54,440
- Oh, okay.
- Mm-hmm.
259
00:10:54,441 --> 00:10:55,903
- So, by that logic...
- Mm-hmm.
260
00:10:55,904 --> 00:10:58,231
- You're really good in bed?
- [Chuckling] Yes!
261
00:10:58,232 --> 00:11:00,101
Thank you for saying that, date.
262
00:11:00,102 --> 00:11:01,959
Yeah, I am really good in bed.
263
00:11:03,904 --> 00:11:05,265
- Okay.
- Come on. Come on.
264
00:11:05,266 --> 00:11:08,102
That right there... you don't want that.
265
00:11:08,103 --> 00:11:09,812
You don't want that stubble monkey.
266
00:11:10,693 --> 00:11:13,775
Actually, Jessica did
want that stubble monkey.
267
00:11:13,776 --> 00:11:14,734
[All chanting "go!"]
268
00:11:14,735 --> 00:11:16,948
Jessica was born in a bar on a pool table,
269
00:11:16,949 --> 00:11:19,950
which sort of says everything
you need to know about Jessica.
270
00:11:20,776 --> 00:11:23,381
Jessica's parents were
happy with their lot in life,
271
00:11:23,382 --> 00:11:27,006
but Jessica always dreamed of
becoming a famous fashion designer.
272
00:11:27,607 --> 00:11:29,782
She shared that dream with
her best friend, Colleen,
273
00:11:29,783 --> 00:11:32,027
who looked alarmingly like blossom.
274
00:11:34,564 --> 00:11:36,156
They were more than best friends.
275
00:11:36,157 --> 00:11:37,722
They were sisters.
276
00:11:37,723 --> 00:11:39,069
Hey, can I ask you something?
277
00:11:39,070 --> 00:11:40,116
What?!
278
00:11:40,117 --> 00:11:41,052
Come here.
279
00:11:42,748 --> 00:11:43,960
After graduation,
280
00:11:43,961 --> 00:11:47,015
do you want to move to Paris
with me and start a fashion line?
281
00:11:47,016 --> 00:11:48,594
Yes! Aah! Aah!
282
00:11:48,595 --> 00:11:52,498
And once we get to France, I'm
gonna change my name to Fab!
283
00:11:52,499 --> 00:11:53,677
Love it!
284
00:11:53,678 --> 00:11:54,861
You could change your name, too.
285
00:11:54,862 --> 00:11:56,369
I was thinking "Shondo."
286
00:11:56,370 --> 00:11:59,032
[Chuckles] Oh, Yay!
287
00:11:59,033 --> 00:12:01,337
I can't wait to get out of here!
288
00:12:01,338 --> 00:12:03,435
We're gonna be so amazing.
289
00:12:03,436 --> 00:12:05,303
Oh, my God. I love you, Colleen!
290
00:12:05,304 --> 00:12:07,207
- Fab!
- Sorry.
291
00:12:07,208 --> 00:12:09,548
I love you, Fab.
292
00:12:09,549 --> 00:12:11,593
- I love you, too, Shondo.
- [Chuckles]
293
00:12:11,594 --> 00:12:13,450
Wait, yours... yours is way better.
294
00:12:13,451 --> 00:12:15,007
Okay, just stick to Jessica.
295
00:12:15,008 --> 00:12:16,459
[Both squeal]
296
00:12:16,460 --> 00:12:17,610
[Rock music playing]
297
00:12:17,611 --> 00:12:19,539
You're so hot!
298
00:12:19,540 --> 00:12:22,461
I am gonna have your baby!
299
00:12:22,855 --> 00:12:24,810
And nine months later, she did.
300
00:12:24,811 --> 00:12:26,345
Jess and Fab split up.
301
00:12:26,346 --> 00:12:29,150
Jess stayed in New Jersey,
and Fab went to Paris.
302
00:12:29,151 --> 00:12:30,727
One kid turned into two.
303
00:12:30,728 --> 00:12:32,576
Things with the bassist didn't pan out.
304
00:12:32,577 --> 00:12:34,694
And while Jessica loved her kids dearly,
305
00:12:34,695 --> 00:12:38,100
every day she felt less and less
like the glamorous fashion designer
306
00:12:38,101 --> 00:12:39,662
she'd always wanted to be.
307
00:12:40,318 --> 00:12:44,076
In fact, the only thing that
made Jessica feel special anymore
308
00:12:44,077 --> 00:12:46,411
was hooking up with super-hot guys.
309
00:12:46,412 --> 00:12:49,874
This dude made her feel special
three times in one night.
310
00:12:50,588 --> 00:12:52,780
Nope. I'm pretty sure I do
want that stubble monkey.
311
00:12:52,781 --> 00:12:54,917
Yep, it's totally my kind of monkey.
312
00:12:54,918 --> 00:12:58,060
In any competition between
that and whatever this is,
313
00:12:58,061 --> 00:12:59,854
I choose that. Every time, I choose that.
314
00:12:59,855 --> 00:13:03,233
Why is this so confusing
for your little brain?
315
00:13:04,337 --> 00:13:06,802
Well, then... [Clears throat]
316
00:13:06,803 --> 00:13:11,492
Just for the record, I think I am
slightly taller than that gentleman.
317
00:13:11,493 --> 00:13:13,179
Okay, please... please leave.
318
00:13:13,180 --> 00:13:15,511
Okay. But this is not over.
319
00:13:15,512 --> 00:13:17,406
- No, it's over. It's totally over.
- Mnh.
320
00:13:17,407 --> 00:13:18,663
Until we meet again!
321
00:13:18,664 --> 00:13:20,202
Don't want that to happen.
322
00:13:21,526 --> 00:13:22,946
You are great.
323
00:13:25,353 --> 00:13:27,178
Up. I need a stool.
324
00:13:27,179 --> 00:13:29,192
Okay. Now I'm starting to worry.
325
00:13:29,193 --> 00:13:31,047
Talk to me, Goose. What's going on?
326
00:13:31,835 --> 00:13:34,186
This broad is totally Bruce-proof.
327
00:13:34,187 --> 00:13:36,425
Dude, no one can sustain
this much rejection.
328
00:13:36,426 --> 00:13:37,681
You look like Nick Nolte!
329
00:13:37,682 --> 00:13:39,397
I know I look like Nick Nolte, okay?
330
00:13:39,398 --> 00:13:41,908
But that girl is my Moby Dick,
so I'm going back in.
331
00:13:41,909 --> 00:13:43,788
No, you're not going back
in! No one goes in four times!
332
00:13:43,789 --> 00:13:45,476
Dude, it's suicide.
333
00:13:45,477 --> 00:13:46,619
Even if you get her number,
334
00:13:46,620 --> 00:13:48,311
you'll have nothing in the
tank for the rest of the night.
335
00:13:48,312 --> 00:13:50,160
Yeah, okay, I know the risks, Cal!
336
00:13:50,161 --> 00:13:51,248
I know the risks.
337
00:13:51,249 --> 00:13:52,848
Guys, I hate what this is doing to us.
338
00:13:52,849 --> 00:13:54,800
I just... make it stop.
339
00:13:56,090 --> 00:13:58,183
Yes! Did you nick something?
340
00:13:58,848 --> 00:14:00,043
Good girl. What did you get?
341
00:14:00,044 --> 00:14:02,445
Some mints or a book of matches?
342
00:14:03,209 --> 00:14:04,410
Wait. What?
343
00:14:04,411 --> 00:14:06,257
I stole some guy's wallet
while he was on the can!
344
00:14:06,258 --> 00:14:07,992
[Gasps] Look at all the money!
345
00:14:07,993 --> 00:14:10,952
- Are you insane?
- You told me to go crazy.
346
00:14:10,953 --> 00:14:12,442
Yeah, I was encouraging
you to live a little!
347
00:14:12,443 --> 00:14:14,685
I didn't mean join fagin's gang.
348
00:14:14,686 --> 00:14:15,714
Let's steal more stuff!
349
00:14:15,715 --> 00:14:18,153
No, that is enough larceny
for one evening, all right?
350
00:14:18,154 --> 00:14:20,494
I'm actually trying to be a better person.
That is a massive step backwards.
351
00:14:20,495 --> 00:14:22,065
My heart is racing.
352
00:14:22,066 --> 00:14:24,053
I love it. I've never felt so alive.
353
00:14:24,054 --> 00:14:26,139
Thank you for making me steal things.
354
00:14:26,140 --> 00:14:27,939
Could you please stop saying
I made you steal thi...
355
00:14:47,392 --> 00:14:49,077
356
00:14:49,967 --> 00:14:51,026
Maya: You're right, Keoki.
357
00:14:51,027 --> 00:14:54,218
I feel like I have this really
big hole in my life, you know?
358
00:14:54,219 --> 00:14:56,853
I just... I just keep
filling it with my stupid job.
359
00:14:56,854 --> 00:14:58,974
You got to come back to Oahu, Brah.
360
00:14:58,975 --> 00:15:01,496
- She'll fix you right up.
- That sounds so good right now.
361
00:15:01,497 --> 00:15:05,824
Floating in the surf, chilling
with aloha, feeling the lava.
362
00:15:05,825 --> 00:15:07,603
You probably don't want to feel the lava.
363
00:15:07,604 --> 00:15:08,913
Yeah, lava's really hot.
364
00:15:08,914 --> 00:15:10,904
You know what I mean, Brah, okay?
365
00:15:10,905 --> 00:15:14,271
I want to do the real Hawaiian, not
the Cheesy Don Ho touristy stuff.
366
00:15:14,272 --> 00:15:15,403
Hey, hey!
367
00:15:15,404 --> 00:15:16,749
What you saying about Brother Don?
368
00:15:16,881 --> 00:15:19,318
Yeah, Don Ho writes songs
for the whole world to sing.
369
00:15:19,319 --> 00:15:22,817
Yeah, but [Chuckles] no one
wanted to listen to them.
370
00:15:22,818 --> 00:15:24,552
They're terrible songs.
371
00:15:24,553 --> 00:15:25,926
Maybe you should go, sister.
372
00:15:26,638 --> 00:15:29,484
After everything I said about Hawaii,
Don Ho's the deal breaker?
373
00:15:31,157 --> 00:15:33,697
Okay. Whatever. You guys are weird.
374
00:15:35,836 --> 00:15:38,075
- Not Hawaiian no more!
- Go!
375
00:15:38,076 --> 00:15:39,426
I was never Hawaiian!
376
00:15:39,427 --> 00:15:41,847
Put some shoes on! We're in a bar!
377
00:15:41,848 --> 00:15:43,994
- Ugh! Hey.
- What? Nothing.
378
00:15:43,995 --> 00:15:45,616
Whoa-ho, whoa! What's going on?
379
00:15:45,617 --> 00:15:47,615
I kissed him. I kissed Ron!
380
00:15:47,616 --> 00:15:50,203
I was all jacked up from
stealing this guy's wallet,
381
00:15:50,204 --> 00:15:52,610
and I kissed him, and it was amazing.
382
00:15:52,611 --> 00:15:56,644
His tongue felt like a dewy peach. Ew.
383
00:15:56,645 --> 00:15:58,616
Oh, my God! Maya!
What am I gonna do?
384
00:15:58,617 --> 00:16:00,340
- Okay. I am engaged.
- It's fine.
385
00:16:00,341 --> 00:16:02,443
My wedding invitations go out tomorrow...
386
00:16:02,444 --> 00:16:04,278
- I know. Okay...
- On their way to people...
387
00:16:04,279 --> 00:16:06,052
- All right. Let's calm down.
- ... That I'm related to.
388
00:16:06,053 --> 00:16:07,092
As much as it... okay. All
right. Okay, let's just...
389
00:16:07,093 --> 00:16:09,573
- we're gonna take a walk, okay? We're gonna take a walk.
- Okay.
390
00:16:09,574 --> 00:16:10,813
Go find a seat.
391
00:16:10,814 --> 00:16:12,287
All right, listen, it's fine.
392
00:16:12,288 --> 00:16:14,635
People kiss each other in bars.
393
00:16:14,636 --> 00:16:16,533
That's what happens all the
time. You don't have to feel bad.
394
00:16:16,534 --> 00:16:17,674
That's the thing.
395
00:16:18,421 --> 00:16:20,186
I don't feel bad.
396
00:16:21,092 --> 00:16:22,268
Oh.
397
00:16:22,269 --> 00:16:24,194
And I think I might want to kiss Ron again.
398
00:16:24,195 --> 00:16:26,087
And not just on the mouth.
399
00:16:26,088 --> 00:16:27,151
So...
400
00:16:27,152 --> 00:16:28,622
All the places, Maya.
401
00:16:28,623 --> 00:16:30,269
Uh, we should start a tab.
Yeah. [Snaps fingers]
402
00:16:30,270 --> 00:16:32,263
Obviously, this is a bad idea.
403
00:16:32,264 --> 00:16:36,228
Nobody goes in four times, but
there is something about this girl.
404
00:16:36,229 --> 00:16:38,140
- So, what's your approach?
- Got it locked in, baby.
405
00:16:38,141 --> 00:16:39,833
- What is it?
- The Hercules Double Lindy.
406
00:16:39,834 --> 00:16:41,154
I'm sorry, are you crazy?
407
00:16:41,155 --> 00:16:43,727
- What's the Hercules Double Lindy?
- It's the only way.
408
00:16:43,728 --> 00:16:46,167
Sometimes I feel like you guys
are just making up funny names.
409
00:16:46,168 --> 00:16:48,931
Bruce, the Hercules Double
Lindy... it's only a theory.
410
00:16:48,932 --> 00:16:50,821
It's never been tested
in a real-world situation.
411
00:16:50,822 --> 00:16:53,797
I know that, dude, and this
is how legends are made.
412
00:16:54,456 --> 00:16:56,771
Now, we need my number-one
wingman to hype me up.
413
00:16:56,772 --> 00:16:58,473
- All right.
- No.
414
00:16:58,474 --> 00:17:00,629
No. All right, all right. I gotcha.
415
00:17:00,630 --> 00:17:01,851
Okay. Lock your eyes in here.
416
00:17:01,852 --> 00:17:03,334
Here's what's gonna happen.
You're gonna walk up to this woman,
417
00:17:03,335 --> 00:17:05,874
you're gonna spin a web of
Bruce so thick and so sticky
418
00:17:05,875 --> 00:17:07,484
she will be unable to escape.
419
00:17:07,485 --> 00:17:08,929
In that moment, you will make her yours.
420
00:17:08,930 --> 00:17:10,856
- What time is it?
- Bruce time! [Chuckles]
421
00:17:11,877 --> 00:17:14,416
It's game time.
What time is it? It's game time!
422
00:17:14,417 --> 00:17:15,861
- What time is it?!
- It's game time!
423
00:17:15,862 --> 00:17:17,040
[Both grunt]
424
00:17:17,041 --> 00:17:18,402
Whew. Go get her.
425
00:17:18,403 --> 00:17:19,471
[Men grunting]
426
00:17:20,860 --> 00:17:23,358
[Up-tempo music plays]
427
00:17:26,367 --> 00:17:27,526
[Gulps]
428
00:17:34,833 --> 00:17:37,514
- Oh, my God. Make it stop.
- Nope. Nope.
429
00:17:37,515 --> 00:17:40,552
Actually, I came over here to tell you
the story of Hercules. Please don't.
430
00:17:40,553 --> 00:17:42,722
- Hercules was a Greek hero who was a...
- Roman.
431
00:17:43,287 --> 00:17:44,934
Hercules was a Roman hero
432
00:17:44,935 --> 00:17:47,043
- whose dad was Hector.
- Zeus.
433
00:17:47,044 --> 00:17:49,544
Okay, what... what... what
are you, a mythology Professor?
434
00:17:49,545 --> 00:17:51,148
- What is the deal?
- No, I'm just done.
435
00:17:54,377 --> 00:17:56,258
Okay. I get it.
436
00:17:56,976 --> 00:18:00,159
I'm sorry. You win. My bad.
I made one last-ditch effort
437
00:18:00,160 --> 00:18:01,368
to come over here and
get your number. [Sighs]
438
00:18:01,369 --> 00:18:02,589
I see it's not happening.
439
00:18:02,590 --> 00:18:04,784
You couldn't be less interested.
440
00:18:04,785 --> 00:18:07,538
So, I hope I didn't ruin your night.
441
00:18:07,539 --> 00:18:08,780
- It's all good.
- Okay.
442
00:18:08,781 --> 00:18:10,017
- Ohh!
- I'm sorry.
443
00:18:10,679 --> 00:18:13,171
This is the guy who's hitting on you?
444
00:18:14,118 --> 00:18:16,896
- Hey, he's not that ugly.
- Okay.
445
00:18:16,897 --> 00:18:18,503
You guys make a really cute couple.
446
00:18:18,504 --> 00:18:19,960
Bruce knew this comment
447
00:18:19,961 --> 00:18:21,709
was meant to make Jessica feel bad,
448
00:18:21,710 --> 00:18:23,543
and he couldn't stand for it.
449
00:18:23,544 --> 00:18:26,436
Uh, actually, I was
talking to her about you.
450
00:18:26,437 --> 00:18:29,295
I mean, you have ratty
hair and terrible clothes,
451
00:18:29,296 --> 00:18:31,993
and I figured I could take you
down without breaking a sweat.
452
00:18:31,994 --> 00:18:32,999
So...
453
00:18:33,000 --> 00:18:34,602
But a woman like this,
454
00:18:34,603 --> 00:18:36,547
that's a totally different story.
455
00:18:36,548 --> 00:18:39,635
Someone who's gorgeous
and smart and... and funny,
456
00:18:39,636 --> 00:18:41,923
who not only puts us all to
shame by raising kids on her own,
457
00:18:41,924 --> 00:18:43,485
- but then has the balls...
- Mm.
458
00:18:43,486 --> 00:18:45,426
To show up to this bar
wearing that red dress,
459
00:18:45,427 --> 00:18:47,253
which she looks smoking hot in,
460
00:18:47,254 --> 00:18:50,222
and strut around with
that tight, tight body,
461
00:18:50,223 --> 00:18:53,167
knowing that losers like me
are going to come up to her
462
00:18:53,168 --> 00:18:55,421
and buy her drinks and hit on her all night
463
00:18:55,422 --> 00:18:57,602
and try everything they
can to get into her pants,
464
00:18:57,603 --> 00:18:59,566
but she doesn't even care,
465
00:18:59,567 --> 00:19:01,622
because she has the wit and verbal acumen
466
00:19:01,623 --> 00:19:03,040
to handle anything life throws at her.
467
00:19:03,757 --> 00:19:05,762
That is a woman.
468
00:19:05,763 --> 00:19:08,966
That is a woman that every
guy dreams will like them back.
469
00:19:10,444 --> 00:19:14,465
And a woman that this guy
couldn't get in a million years.
470
00:19:15,843 --> 00:19:17,245
It was the nicest thing
471
00:19:17,246 --> 00:19:20,029
anyone had said to Jessica in a long time.
472
00:19:20,030 --> 00:19:24,565
And for just one little
moment, she felt special again.
473
00:19:24,566 --> 00:19:26,141
Who was that?
474
00:19:26,142 --> 00:19:28,731
They call him... Bruce.
475
00:19:28,732 --> 00:19:30,832
Ew.
476
00:19:31,264 --> 00:19:33,693
We all put on a front
when we walk into a bar,
477
00:19:33,694 --> 00:19:36,227
to look cool, to impress others,
478
00:19:36,228 --> 00:19:39,076
to hide our insecurities, but deep down,
479
00:19:39,077 --> 00:19:41,293
we're all just fat, little, redheaded kids
480
00:19:41,294 --> 00:19:43,708
whose brothers double-teamed
the girls we loved.
481
00:19:43,709 --> 00:19:45,307
Hey.
482
00:19:45,308 --> 00:19:46,587
Oh, hey.
483
00:19:47,580 --> 00:19:49,563
Look. [Sighs]
484
00:19:49,564 --> 00:19:53,476
If at the end of the night, there
is absolutely no one left in this bar
485
00:19:53,477 --> 00:19:57,821
and I am fall-down drunk and you have
somehow shaved off that disgusting beard
486
00:19:57,822 --> 00:20:00,033
and changed your entire
physical appearance,
487
00:20:00,034 --> 00:20:02,801
I will think about maybe
going home with you.
488
00:20:04,795 --> 00:20:06,408
Maybe.
489
00:20:10,293 --> 00:20:12,994
Because at the end of the
day, all we really want...
490
00:20:12,995 --> 00:20:16,861
All anyone really wants is to be liked.
491
00:20:26,993 --> 00:20:28,662
Hey. Can I order shots from you?
492
00:20:28,663 --> 00:20:29,802
Of course. What can I get you?
493
00:20:29,803 --> 00:20:31,027
Uh, have you heard of an anaconda?
494
00:20:31,028 --> 00:20:32,243
Whiskey and Sambuca.
495
00:20:32,244 --> 00:20:34,170
I had those every summer
back where I'm from.
496
00:20:34,171 --> 00:20:35,251
Really? Where are you from?
497
00:20:35,252 --> 00:20:37,983
Oh, a small town in Ohio
you've probably never heard of.
498
00:20:37,984 --> 00:20:39,311
Well, I'm from Greentree, Ohio.
499
00:20:39,312 --> 00:20:40,726
- No way.
- Yes, way.
500
00:20:40,727 --> 00:20:43,249
I am from West Greentree!
501
00:20:43,250 --> 00:20:45,392
You are a liar. No. Okay, pop quiz.
502
00:20:45,393 --> 00:20:46,654
Have you ever been to
Gary's hot dogs for the...
503
00:20:46,655 --> 00:20:48,489
Both: Dingo dogs with extra kraut!
504
00:20:49,981 --> 00:20:51,848
- I'm Kacey.
- I'm Cal.
505
00:20:51,849 --> 00:20:55,527
- I...Will get you those shots.
- All right. [Chuckles]
506
00:20:56,964 --> 00:20:58,990
Oh, it's so on.
507
00:20:59,998 --> 00:21:01,153
Oh, there's my Anchor Baby.
508
00:21:01,154 --> 00:21:02,474
Hey. That's my drink.
509
00:21:02,475 --> 00:21:04,177
Just kidding, and...
I always get that wrong.
510
00:21:04,178 --> 00:21:06,724
Um, hey. I saw those guys
bothering you earlier.
511
00:21:06,725 --> 00:21:08,172
I just wanted to make sure you're okay.
512
00:21:08,173 --> 00:21:10,444
Yeah. I'm okay. They're just Hawaiians.
513
00:21:10,445 --> 00:21:12,641
Ugh, I hate Hawaiians.
514
00:21:12,642 --> 00:21:14,090
You do?
515
00:21:14,091 --> 00:21:16,925
Yeah. Flip flops in
restaurants, their tiny alphabet,
516
00:21:16,926 --> 00:21:19,131
plus they're so sensitive about Don Ho.
517
00:21:19,132 --> 00:21:21,171
About Don Ho! I know, right?
518
00:21:22,328 --> 00:21:24,586
I'm gonna go ask them
to leave the premises.
519
00:21:24,587 --> 00:21:25,903
Oh.
520
00:21:26,431 --> 00:21:28,875
Wow. Okay. Thanks.
521
00:21:28,876 --> 00:21:30,715
[Chuckles]
522
00:21:32,754 --> 00:21:34,248
Maya, they're a lot
bigger than I thought. Hmm?
523
00:21:34,249 --> 00:21:35,364
They're gonna stay. Oh, my God.
524
00:21:35,365 --> 00:21:36,569
Pono, please. Pono.
525
00:21:36,570 --> 00:21:37,790
Pono. Oh, God.
526
00:21:38,488 --> 00:21:39,901
Hawaiians.
527
00:21:40,425 --> 00:21:43,444
.::Sync and corrected by thatjulio::.
.::www.addic7ed.com::.
528
00:21:43,494 --> 00:21:48,044
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