All language subtitles for How.I.Met.Your.Mother.S05E05.720p.HDTV.ReEnc-Max

Kids, as you know,
aunt Robin grew up in Canada.

That meant sometimes
she dressed a little differently.

Okay, let's do this!

Sometimes she talked
a little differently.

Ted, this hydro bill is bigger
than Louis Cyr's biceps.

What, you leave the garburator
on all night, eh?

She hung out at different bars

and enjoyed leisure time
a little differently?

You want to go?
You want to go?!

Make fun of the great
white north all you want.

It's the best country in the world.

Social experiment.

U.s.a.!

You know what,
what does that even prove, okay?

You chant anything,
people will join in.

Canada!

Okay, they won't chant anything.

Shrimp fried rice!

Shrimp fried rice!
Totally.

Anyway, speaking of food,

Marshall, I've got some bad news.
Just read online, Gazzola's is closing.

What's that?

A filthy mecca of spectacular
if undercooked pizza

located at 316 kinzie street,
chicago, illinois.

Back in college, Ted and I used
to take these crazy road trips

from Connecticut to Chicago
just for a Gazzola's pizza.

- 22 hours.
- No map.

We'd just jump in
the Fiero and drive.

We were like Lewis and Clark,

if they peed in empty soda bottles

and had a bong made
out of a cantaloupe.

Man, those Gazzola trips,

that's...
that's when we really became bros.

We ate nothing but jerky.

Drank nothing but Tantrum.

Tantrum.

Tantrum was a soft drink with
the highest caffeine content

legally available over the counter.

It was eventually discontinued
after an extensive study by the FDA.

Man, we went through
a whole case of Tantrum one trip.

I was color-blind for
two weeks after that.

That's the reason that I pass out
when I hear church bells.

It's probably a good thing
they're closing Gazzola's.

Those trips were brutal, right?

The long hours in the car,
the motion sickness, the smell.

What time are we leaving
for Gazzola's ?

I was thinking 9:00, 9:30.

Synchro: ShalimarFox, -Titou-

.:: La Fabrique ::.

I am ready to hit the road.
I got baby wipes.

I got a variety of jerky.
I got six cans of Tantrum.

Well, four. One burned through the can,
the other one I drank already.

Tantrum!

I am so psyched!

Marshall and I haven't done something,
just the two of us, for so long.

Ever since he got married, he's
turned from an "I" to a "We."

- What do you mean?
- Think about it.

Haven't seen you all week.
How you doing?

We're doing great.

- Did you watch the jets game?
- We most certainly did.

How'd things go at the doctor?

We no longer have
a hemorrhoid problem.

You will not believe this.
I've been talking to my lawyer.

You know that guy I had a slight
disagreement with at the hoser hut?

He's filing assault charges.

Come on!

I broke his nose with a chair.

And now, apparently,
I may end up getting deported.

My god, that sucks! I'm gonna go do
push-ups in the kitchen.

Well, there's only one possible
way to avoid getting deported.

My lawyer said I could
become an American citizen.

Perfect. Problem solved.
Welcome aboard.

Well, it's not that simple.

I'm a Canadian.
I was born there.

My family's there.
It's who I am.

I know, and it's provided us
with a lot of laughs.

But, Robin, if you want to live here,
work here

and throw chairs at people here,
you have to do this.

Well, there's a citizenship
test tomorrow.

- I'll think about it.
- No, no, you have to do it.

I'll help you study.
We're gonna stay up all night long.

I'm gonna drill you,
and then we're gonna study.

No, seriously.
We're gonna do some cramming

and then we're gonna study.

- Seriously. We're gonna bone up on...
- Okay, Barney. Sorry.

- It's a rich area.
- It is.

But you know,
it's not going to be easy, this test.

It's not like the Canadian
citizenship test.

How do you know
the Canadian test is easy?

It's Canada.

Question one: do you want
to be Canadian?

Question two: really?

Ted, Ted, check it out!

I got black coffee on the left,
I got Tantrum on the right!

- Do you have a phone book?!
- Yes, I do!

Why they make phone books anymore.
Everything's online, right?

All right, let's hit the road.

- You invited Lily?
- We most certainly did!

- He did the "We" thing.
- Yeah, I heard him.

Road trip!

So you guys want to talk
about bitches?

I'm kidding.
They're called women.

All right, next stop: Chicago.

I have to pee.

- Couldn't you have gone before we left?
- I did. I just pee a lot. You'll see.

Don't worry, we'll get out on the road,
it'll be just like old times.

It wasn't.

Sugar snap pea?

Pea...
That reminds me, I have to pee.

OK, straight, straight, straight.

Now, wait, a little to the left.

We'll pass a state trooper.

Punch buggy yellow!

Yellow... that reminds me,
I have to pee.

Thank you!

You can't have to go again.
It's not humanly possible.

I was just going to say maybe we should
listen to something.

That's a great idea.
I think I have some jerky boys.

Good-bye, Sparky.

It's an audio book
about a boy and his dog.

It made Elisabeth Hasselbeck Cry.

Good-bye Sparky, by Nick Leotti.

Read to you by Kenny Rogers.

Chapter one:
when I first saw Sparky,

he reminded me of my favorite comb;

he was missing a lot of teeth,
but I loved him anyway.

Mother was fit to be tied

every time he used
her prized rhododendron

to do his business.

That reminds me, I have to pee.

"How many stars are on the flag?"

50, one for each state.

"What are the first ten amendments
to the constitution called?"

The bill of rights.

I know all this. I'm ready.

Ready for the test maybe,
but ready to be an American?

Not on your sweet life.

For you to be an American,
we got to get the Canadian out of you.

That's why I've created
these questions.

Question one: "Who is this?"

- Queen Elizabeth II.
- No, the answer is Elton John.

Question two:
"what the hell is this?"

Curling, it's a sport played...

Wrong. The answer is
"I don't care, it's dumb."

Let's go buy something
that's bad for us

and then sue the people
who made it. That's American.

... because Sparky loved
chasing a ball,

and it didn't much matter what kind.

Tennis ball, baseball, wiffle ball,

golf ball, basketball,

beach ball, gum ball,

a grapefruit, which isn't
actually a ball,

but it's round like a ball...

A football, which isn't round,

but it's still technically a ball...

Indian rubber ball...

This ends disk seven.

The audio book continues
on disk eight.

Disk eight.

Lacrosse ball, volleyball...

My god, Lily, please
tell me you have to go pee!

Yeah, I do.

It was the worst trip ever,
but then it got worse.

Well, don't worry, the
il l next exit's the hotel.

We can go there.

Crumpet manor is listed

in the American registry
of historic bed-and-breakfasts.

Our door is opened
on christmas day, 1881.

And we have catered
to couples ever since.

Well, I mean, single people
can have fun here, too, right?

I suppose I could arrange
a little recreation.

Do you enjoy sitting on a bench?

And by the end of the night, Barney
had turned Robin into a real American.

I want to say... Jefferson?

Correct. Archie Bunker's neighbor
was George Jefferson.

Boo-ya! I am nailing this.
God, I'm buzzing on America right now!

All right, hold your horses.

Now to prove that you are
as American as apple pie

and the childhood obesity
it leads to...

Who is this?

That, Barney,

is the American actor,
beloved by millions,

the "Hey, Vern" guy from the
popular series Of Ernest films.

And his name...

Jeff Foxworthy.

Jeff Foxworthy?

No, it's Jim Varney.

You're kidding me.
You don't know that?

That's Jeff Foxworthy, dumbass.

End of story.
Now shut your stupid face.

Not only are you wrong,

but you are belligerently
sticking to your guns

and insulting me in the process.

You are an American.

Look who's back
from the wishing well.

It didn't work, I'm still here.

Marshall, what are we doing?
We should be on the road.

Look, Ted, we're not
in college anymore,

We don't have to drive all night.

They have a spa.

What kind of
treatments do you offer?

All our spa treatments
are designed for couples.

Would you be interested

in the two-person,
cornmeal body scrub?

And then finally, it happened...

Marshall and Lily globbed
into one big married glob.

We'd love a cornmeal body scrub!

I got to dial back on the Tantrum.

I'm gonna be an American, y'all.

Maybe I'll rob a liquor store.
Maybe I won't. My choice.

Learn English!

The Hoser Hut.

I could duck in for a drink.

That life's behind me.
Forget it.

I could in for just one beer.
What's the harm in that?

It's a free country.

God, I miss it.

Sorry about what I said before.

You want to go to the store
and get some beer?

Lily is asleep.

I suppose
I could reschedule my pedicure.

What the hell?

But only light beer
because we have a hike in the morning.

Why are we pulling to the highway?

Where exactly are we going
to get this beer?

Chicago.

What are you doing?
We can't just leave Lily.

When she wakes up, she'll freak!

She'll have a back rub and a crumpet.
She'll be fine.

Relax. Have some fun.

I just abandoned my wife.

How am I supposed to have fun?

- You think Lily's pissed?
- If she's pissed, she's pissed.

When Barney finally tracked down
your Aunt Robin,

it wasn't a pretty sight.

Good morning.

What happened last night?

You...

went Canadian.

How Canadian?

This Canadian.

That's supposed to be
a dramatic view of the Toronto sky...

you're in Toronto.

It's coming back to me.

I went into the Hoser Hut...

And I met this women's curling team.

We started drinking. And the next thing
I know, they're inviting me

to a Bryan Adams/Rich Little
double bill in Toronto.

How did you find me, anyway?

You called me,
said you were never coming back.

So, I jumped on a plane,
flew across the Atlantic...

Canada isn't across the Atlantic.

You're talking nonsense.

Listen...

You slipped up. It's fine.
The test is in a few hours.

I'm not taking the test.

God, you're still drunk.

Look, I appreciate your help, but...

who am I kidding?

I'm Canadian.

I always will be.

Now, that's ridiculous.

We're gonna get some coffee in you,
we'll sober you up,

and get you back to New York
for that test.

But, before any of that,

we're gonna do it on this bed,

'cause... Hotel room.

Let's get some coffee.

A little rubbery,
room temperature...

Kind of gross.

You're making me wonder
if this pizza's worth the 22-hour drive.

Just like old times!

I feel so young again
except for the chest pains.

But the crust is so good.
What is the secret to this crust?

It's no big secret.
It's made of cornmeal.

Cornmeal...

We'd love a cornmeal body scrub!

I can't believe
you guys are closing.

I can't believe we're still open.

Gotcha!

These are getting bigger.

It's like an entire country
without a tailor.

Give me two coffees.

$3.50, please.

What did you think
of the game last night?

What game?

The Leafs beat Edmonton.

Beauchemin went five hole in OT.

- I guess I missed it.
- Sorry. You're American.

- Here's your change.
- I'm not American.

American money?
Didn't watch the Leafs game?

No "please" or "thank you"
for the coffee?

You sure don't seem like a Canadian.

What's wrong?

Other than the fact
that this five-dollar bill

they gave you is blue.

I'm not American, and apparently,
I'm not Canadian either.

And there's kids playing hockey

on the back. It's like you want us
to make fun of you.

I don't want this anymore.

Don't look at it.
That's a rookie mistake.

We shouldn't have left Lily.

If you're worried,
why don't you call her?

I have.
I left her, like, 20 messages.

I said, "I'm sorry.
Please forgive me. It's Ted's fault!".

- What exactly is "Ted's fault"?
- This! This whole thing!

We were having a nice trip,
and then you kidnapped me.

- You didn't let me put on underwear!
- We never used to put on underwear!

That was the fun
of a bro's trip to Gazzola's!

We left everything, and everyone behind.
It was just you and me!

But now it's
like you've disappeared into Lily.

Not true.

True. You're not upset
because you're worried she's mad.

but because you'd rather be with her,
eating muffins,

than here with me,
eating this delicious...

I think one of my mushrooms
just crawled away.

Well, you know what? That mushroom's not
the only thing that's leaving.

Car keys, please.

Look at this money!

This one has a moose,

this one has a beaver,
and they have Elton John on the back.

When I moved to the States,
I swore I wasn't going to change.

And yet, here I am,

in the most Canadian place
in the universe...

Tim Horton's, around the corner
from the Hockey Hall of Fame,

and I don't belong.

It's like I don't have a country.

That's it.

Attention, Canada!

I am Barney from America.

And I'm here to fix
your backward-ass country.

Number one,

get real money.

Don't know what board game
this came from, but it's a "jhoke."

Number two,

and this is the biggie,

quit letting awesome chicks
like Robin Scherbatsky get away,

because, guess what?

You don't want her?
I'm planting my flag in her,

if you know what I mean,
which you probably don't,

and getting her
the hell out of here.

You may now return
to being pointless.

This coffee is excellent.

It's called a "tie".

Sparky was my best friend,

but after I married Helen,

old spark started to feel
a little left out.

For so long,
it had been just me and him,

but now he suddenly felt
like Helen had taken his place.

What Sparky didn't realize was,

even though I loved Helen,
I still loved him, too.

I had room in my heart
for both of them.

But maybe I should have put aside

some special ball-tossing time
just for the two of us,

to make sure Sparky knew
that he was a good boy.

I wish now I had,

'cause old Sparky ran out
in front of a Cadillac,

and got splattered like a watermelon
in one of them Gallagher shows.

- I'm sorry, Ted!
- I'm sorry.

- I never should have been mad at you!
- I never should have brought Lily.

She pees all the time,
even at the apartment.

Still bros?

Best bros.

You want to crank some Van Halen
just like old times?

- Or listen to the Sparky book again?
- Let's listen to it again.

Those Canadian doctors banded me up,

reset my jaw,

put my shoulder back in its socket,
and they didn't even bill me.

Idiots.

All right,
I guess they're not idiots.

The coffee was extraordinary.

I guess Canada's not so bad.

They play their cards right,
maybe they can become a state someday.

Barney, I've thought about this.

When you stood up
and told off those people, I thought...

"America's cool."

And then when those guys pounded
the stuffing out of you, I thought...

"Canada's pretty cool, too."

In fact, after you passed out,

I may have taken a few pokes myself.

So, I've decided, dual citizenship.

I'm going to be American
and Canadian.

Wait, you can do that?

Yeah, dummy.

Instead of being a woman
with no country,

I'm going to be a woman with two.

I see.

You understand?

I can see out of my left eye again.

I'm so sorry that we left you.

Did you go somewhere?

Yes, kids, it turns out Crumpet Manor
had pampered Lily

into a nearly comatose
state of relaxation.

She didn't even notice we were gone.

So, I had a great time, too.

That's good.

And I'm so sorry
you didn't get any pizza.

That's okay.

And if she didn't mean it then,
she certainly meant it 19 minutes later.

My stomach!

Damn you, Gozzola's!

It's like a hot ball of lead!

Baby, cut it out of me.

Cut it out!

That was a wild trip!

I know. It was kind of crazy.

But how great is it
to drink some Tantrum again?

You know who had fun, was Lily.

Lily drank
like, four cans of the stuff.

Right?

Where's Lily?

I have to pee.