All language subtitles for How.I.Met.Your.Mother.S05E04.720p.HDTV.ReEnc-Max

It was the Fall of 2009
and I was a professor now.

So I decided to change my look
a little bit.

And people were noticing.

Tweed.

Textile of the eunuch.

You know, I've always wonded why
those tweed jackets have elbow patches.

Because the people who wear them
are constantly going,

"Geez. Why can't I get laid?"

Your are wrong.
The ladies dig the professor look.

There is something to that.

I remember thinking my tenth grade
math teacher was very sexy.

I wonder if Harold's still in jail.

What?
Tax evasion.

Among other things.

So guys, Marshall and I
wanted to invite you to our place

for a little couples' night.

Sure. Why not?

For years, Marshall and Lily
had been the only

married couple in a group full
of single people

It got lonely.

So they were always searching
for another couple to double-date.

There was only one problem.

- Welcome.
- Gouda?

They sucked at it.

This is great.

We're having fun.
You're having fun, right?

So, should we just go ahead
and lock the four of us for new year's?

It's april.

Right. Sorry.

We're getting ahead of ourselves.
Let's talk thanksgiving.

Our parents really want to meet you!

Well, we should probably be going.

Wait. But, wait, if you leave now,
Colonel Mustard just gets away with it.

It's getting pretty late.
We're going to go.

There's still pie.

Night was fantastic.
We should do it again.

I'm sorry, Marshall, but Falguni and I
are just not that into you.

And you.

But just when Lily and Marshall
were about to give up,

2 of their best friends
in the world got together.

And hope returned to their hearts.

So when lily said...

Marshall and I wanted
to invite you to our place

for a little couples' night.

Sure. Why not?

Barney and Robin had no idea
What they were about to walk into.

Okay. Game time.

Let's review the flow of the room.

Barn and Robin enter here.

Stop here for margaritas.
That's a great conversation starter.

We can tell them about
our trip to Cabot.

Great, 'cause I got that story
about Sammy Hagar

and the Belgian waffle locked
and loaded.

Then we'll move on
to the hot apps station.

And, depending on how
things are going,

some lively pre-dinner charades.

Right, but,
we'll play that one by...

Sounds like?

OK, you can be Robin's partner.

Baby, we can do this.

- Welcome.
- Gouda?

Meanwhile, my half-baked theory

that ladies dig the professor look
was actually proving to be true.

- So is it hard to grade papers?
- No, you've just got to make it fun.

For example, every time
I spot a grammatical error,

I do a shot.

I'm trashed right now,
and I blame our public school system.

Sometimes things just seem
to magically fall into place.

So, you said
you live right upstairs?

Whether it's in the dating world...

Take care. Bye.

... or the double-dating world.

Nailed it!

Best night ever!

Worst night ever.

Synchro: ShalimarFox, -Titou-

.:: La Fabrique ::.

How was the big couples'
night with Marshall and Lily?

- Brutal.
- Really? How?

It was like we were on a date with
a sad chubby girl our mom made us call.

They were so nervous, that they weren't
even making sense half the time.

Come on in.
Would you like a margarita?

In Cabot, I saw Sammy Hagar
eating a belgian waffle!

And they kept shoving platters
of food in our faces.

Let me guess: Did Marshall get, like,
super intense about the cheese?

- Yeah, how'd you know?
- Poor Marshal.

Lily's this gourmet cook,
and all she lets Marshall do

is pick out one sad block of cheese.

That's prosciutto-wrapped melon.

You guys are going to want
to get in on this gouda.

That's seared scallops
with a mango chutney.

Seriously, don't sleep on the gouda.

And that's lobster ravioli
in a black truffle oil.

Tick-tock goes the gouda clock.

We... we didn't realize
there was gonna be dinner.

We sucked down a couple
tacos outside the subway.

P. S: not sitting great.

And if anything didn't go
according to plan, they would freak out.

What do you mean,
the egg timer is broken?

- What are we going to use for charades?
- I'm working on it, darling.

Just stall them.

Now, Robin...
You work in television.

We're experiencing some
technical difficulties.

You get that?

We're still laughing.

Right?

Come on, they just got excited.

They've been looking for couple
best friends forever.

Plus, I'm sure
they weren't that bad.

Show him.

This is a web site
Marshall already made about last night.

It's called
itwasthebestnightever.com.

It was the best night ever

laughter raining down
like April showers

we talked for hours...

That's no good.

Then we played charades

Lily made some creme brulee,
lay-lay-lay-lay

and now that
we're best couple friends

there's only one thing

left to say...

Are you free? Are you free?
Are you free...

next saturday?
That's the 17.

Friday or Sunday would also work.
Or basically any other day.

Needless to say, we've both changed
our e-mail addresses.

I don't understand.
If last night went so horribly,

why do they think it was such a hit?

We knew we were gonna have fun tonight,
but we had no idea how much.

Yeah, tough luck every saturday
night I've ever had,

'cause this one just
blow out of the water.

- Let's do it again, soon.
- Yeah, we'll call you.

They're your friends! Why would you
just blatantly lie to them like that?

That's what you say
at the end of a crappy date.

Hey, Ted.
Great time last night.

Let's do it again, soon.
I'll, call you.

Right?

- Who was that?
- I don't want to brag,

but it seems chicks are really digging
the whole professor thing.

Last night,
she picked me up at the bar.

And then...

Well, she actually wound up
falling asleep the couch.

But... that happens.

- No, it doesn't.
- Sure, it does.

You know, she was... just exhausted
from being turned on.

But you heard her.
She wants to do it again, soon.

Ted, let me ask you a question.

Where does this girl live, exactly?

Westchester. Why?

- You're the sexless innkeeper.
- Oh, my god! You're right!

He's totally!

What the hell is
"the sexless innkeeper"?

Many a man...
nay, many a soul...

Has their own tale of
the sexless innkeeper.

Why, I had run-in
with one just last year.

I even composed a poem about it.
Would you care to hear it?

- Not really.
- It was the night before new year's,

and the weather grew mean.

It was 3:00 in the morning,

and I was stranded in queens.

The tavern grew empty,

the gas lights grew ****

The horse-drawn carriages
were all but snowed in...

If this was last year, why are you
acting like it was Oliver Twist?

Ted, it's a poem.

Last call was approaching,

and my fortunes looked bleak.

Then I turned to my left

and stifled a shriek.

She had a peach fuzz beard

and weighed 16 stone.

She gobble up hot wings

and swallowed the bones.

I muffled a scream

and threw up in my mouth.

I asked, "where do you live?"

And she said, "one block south."

I swallowed my pride

and six shots whiskey.

And prayed to the gods

that she wasn't too frisky.

Back in her cave,
she prepared us a snack.

'neath her might hooves,
the floorboards did crack.

But when she returned,

she found a sound sleeper.

And thus she became

the sexless innkeeper.

And so are you.

Wait, you're saying that girl
just used me for a place to crash?

Ted, you mentioned that
you live right upstairs.

She saw the tweed jacket
which basically says

you're not interested in, nor probably
even capable of, having sex.

And she thought, "Free lodging."

No way.

I'm not the sexless innkeeper.

Ted, that girl had no intention
of ever hooking up with you.

Which is funny, because usually

it's the innkeeper who offers
turn down service.

Hey, guys. Good news.

First of all, you can ignore all
the e-mails and texts we've sent you.

We have. Go on.

Because we went ahead and booked

That couples' weekend
for all of us in Vermont!

Wait, you guys were
serious about that?

We never joke about b&b's, especially
at the height of syrup season.

Saturday, we've got apple-picking,

antiquing, then a hated hay ride.

And Sunday, we're up at 6:00 a.m.

for the fall foliage hike.

You better pack your long johns,
'cause it is cold up there.

Look!

I'm sorry
that we have been dodging your calls,

but we respect you guys
too much as friends

to give you song and dance.
You deserve the truth.

The US Navy
has found intelligent alien life

at the bottom of the ocean.

For reasons I can't explain,

Robin and I have been tapped
to lead the expedition.

That kind of sounds
like the stuff you say to girls

when you're too much of a coward
to dump them

You know,
that's exactly what it sounds like.

But if that's true, that's awesome.

What's going on?

Look, all this couple-y stuff,
it's just not us.

Barney and I are barely equipped
to date each other, let alone you guys.

Plus,

the alien thing.

- Come on, let's go.
- Let's go.

- Know what, Lily...
- You know what?

I hope those underwater aliens
are cold-blooded.

'cause then you guys
will get along just fine.

I think they bought it.

I can't believe
they broke up with us.

We're so lovable.

We're not.
We're ugly and gross.

I thought we did everything right.

I know!

I know. We had the Gouda.
We had my waffle story.

I even sent them
an awesome photo montage.

Nothing.

Dear God.

Marshall,
we've been over and over this.

You have to stop
sending those to people.

It was true.

Marshall had become addicted
to creating songs

and photo montages
documenting various mundane events.

So for months, Marshall's friends
and professional colleagues

were getting e-mails like this...

Ordered chinese food today,

some Moo shu pork sauce got away,

flipped the cushion,

now everything okay.

Cat-sitting for Lily's mom,

cat-sitting for Lily's mom,

it's gonna be fun,
it's gonna bring us all closer together.

Cat funeral,

cat funeral,

it was an accident,

and not entirely my fault.

Cat funeral,

cat funeral

We'll miss you, Whiskers.

I can't believe
you sent them one of those.

They think we're insane now.

If I recall, they didn't dump us

until you brought up that Vermont trip.
It was way too early.

First, a boat ride around the city,
then a trip to Vermont.

It's a rookie mistake,
and you're better than that.

What about you forgetting
to check the egg timer for charades?

I gave you one thing to do,
Marshall.

One thing.

One thing?

One thing?

Really?

So, I guess that Gouda...

just walked itself
right through the door,

sliced itself up,

and arranged itself...

in a perfect semi-circle

around not three,

not four...

But five different kinds of sturdy,

cheese-bearing crackers?

You're a sturdy,
cheese-bearing cracker!

Lily and Marshall

haven't been to the bar all week.
They're taking this hard.

Ted, I could listen
to this guilt trip all day

but don't you have to get back up
to the inn?

Who's working the front desk?

Seriously,

they're your friends.
You got to go apologize.

To your point, Ted,

as an innkeeper,
do you do that cheapy thing

where you only change
the linens upon request?

How much water
is that actually saving?

You know I'm right, ignoring a problem
doesn't make it go away.

Usually, it just makes it bigger.

- You're right.
- Thank you.

All that sexlessness
has made you wise.

For God's sake!

Mint on the pillow, Ted!

And don't charge for Wi-Fi.
It seems greedy!

But eventually,
even Barney and Robin had to admit

they owed Lily and Marshall
an apology.

We wanted to say we're sorry.

I wish you had called.

I swear,

he was right there
just eating a Belgian waffle!

He can't have enjoyed it
as much as I'm enjoying this Gouda!

Listen,

now's not a good time.

We'll call you.

We just want...

Long time no see.
Have a seat.

We can't.
We're here with Py and Shea.

It's just...

- We haven't seen you guys all week.
- Maybe all six of us could hang out.

It might be weird.

We're kind of on a double date.

Wouldn't want you to feel
like a fifth and sixth wheel.

Who the hell are these people?

They just moved here from Hawaii.

Py is a total foodie,
and Shea, well...

She's just...

Anyhoo, we can't stay long.
We're just gonna grab a quick beer

and take these kooks
for a boat ride around the city.

It sounds like
this is getting pretty serious.

We don't want to jinx it, but...

We think they might be the two.

Who needs 'em?

Not us.

Two for dinner.

Just the two of you?

Why don't we call
the weird couple down the hall from you?

You know, with the ferrets?

Maybe they want to come over
and play taboo.

After midnight?
No way.

We can't tabooty-call them,
it's pathetic.

Are you wearing sweat pants?

Maybe.

But they're Armani.

I've got bad news for you.

So I'm just going to come out
and say it.

You're a couple.

And no matter how hard you fight it,

couples need other couples.

That's why you miss Marshall and Lily.
And can't you just admit that?

- That was amazing, Lily!
- I know!

When I got that left-hand-yellow,
I was like, "What?!"

- You are the best.
- Right back at you!

For charades.

How do we know
you two won't hurt us again?

You don't.

You know what?

We have two...

very nice people,
up in that apartment,

who are perfect for us.

Then what are you doing,

standing out in the rain with us?

Damn it.

Why is there something so attractive
about a bad boy...

And girl?

I think we can change them.

Come here, you two.

We'll never sleep
on the Gouda again.

Barney, I got a little poem for you.
You want to hear it?

Not really.

"It was the night before this one.

"I had hours to kill.

"I sat in the tavern,
grading parchments with quill."

With quill?

Barney. It's a poem.

"A busty,
young lassie flashed me a grin.

"Her garb said 'classy',

"but her eyes whispered 'sin'.

"She said, `You're a teacher?'.

"I said, 'Yes, indeed'.

'I must have you', she moaned.

"I'm turned on by tweed.

"With haste we did scamper

"to my chamber anon.

"We fell to the couch,

"and, bro, it was on.

"I unlaced her bodice.

"Our passions grew deeper.

"And thus ends the tale

"of the sexless innkeeper".

No way.

You made that up.

Are you coming back to bed,
professor?

I love being single.

You ready for brunch
with Lily and Marshall?

What have I done?