All language subtitles for How.I.Met.Your.Mother.S05E02.720p.HDTV.ReEnc-Max

This is the story
of two blind dates.

One in 2009...

And one seven years earlier.

In all that time, my dating routine
remained more or less the same...

... until the fall of 2009,

when I finally had a date
that was different.

Because it was exactly the same.

I was on a blind date
with the same woman

I went on a blind date with
seven years earlier.

It's nice to meet you.

And she didn't remember it.
But then again...

It's nice to meet you, too.

Neither did i.

Do you want...

Synchro: ShalimarFox, -Titou-

.:: La Fabrique ::.

Guess who just got four tickets

to the "Origins of Chewbacca"
Star Wars exhibit?

- Why?
- No, I said, "guess who?"

I heard you.

Yeah, isn't it a little
early in our relationship

to do something that
would end our relationship?

What are you talking about?

It can be our first
double date as couples!

It sounds awesome! Is the original
Chewbacca going to be there?

Peter Mayhew, in the fur.

Who's with me?

Do you think they'll have Wookiee
to English dictionaries there?

I mean, even just an everyday
phrase book would be helpful.

We're not going to
the "Origins of Chewbacca"exhibit.

It's in Houston this year.
Everyone knows that.

I just wanted to get
rid of the girls.

Where are you taking me?

This wasn't the first time your uncle
Barney had kidnapped one of us.

Wait a second.

The "Origins of Chewbacca"
exhibit's in Montreal this year.

Everyone knows that.

Where are you taking me?

My guy in the da's office scored us

front row seats
to a lethal injection.

We're still stopping
for chili dogs first.

Stop the cab.

Where are you taking me?

Why are we here?

Marshall, now that
Robin and I are together,

I've learned a lot about relationships
by watching you and Lily.

- Thanks, man.
- You're a terrible couple.

Lily has taken
all the man out of you.

I used to think that's just
every relationship.

What I've got with Robin
proves that you can

have a girlfriend and fully
functioning male genitalia

all at the same time.

Right. So, if Robin knew
that you were here,

she'ld be completely fine with it?

Are you kidding?

She'd sprint down here
with a purse full of singles

and a poncho
for the 10:30 jell-o show.

Bt-dub, I called ahead...
It's lime.

Meanwhile, Jen and I were
in my favorite first date restaurant...

For the second time.

What do you do?

I'm between jobs...
Banking cris.

I'm between jobs...
Internet bubble burst.

Makes me realize I should go
into something more stable...

Like banking.

- So what about you?
- I'm an architect.

Hopefully, one day,
I can use my own humble brush

on the masterpiece that is
Manhattan's skyline.

I teach architecture.

Get 50% off at the bookstore,
so that's pretty sweet.

Married!

What is wrong with you?

You're just looking.

It's like fantasizing
about other women.

It's harmless.

Wait.

Don't tell me you don't fantasize
about other women.

I do!

It's just not that easy.

False.

I once fantasized about
that silhouette chick

you see on a truck's mudflaps.

Took me less than a mile.

Not everyone is you, OK?

Even when I do start to have
a dirty thought like that...

It seems so much like cheating
on Lily that I feel guilty.

So first, I need to have
a different fantasy.

Bad news.

Lily has a rare and fatal
hiccup disorder

that's apparently
medically legitimate.

What?! How could this be?!

Beats me, but it says it right here

on this doctor clipboard
that doctors have.

It's time, baby.

I will never love again.

No, Marshall, you must.

And after
an appropriate number of years,

you should find someone else.

Someone like that busty delivery girl
from that one time.

And... plow her like a cornfield.

And so, Marshall, to honor Lily,

you must find that busty
delivery girl from that one time

and plow her like a cornfield.

Delivery for Marshall Eriksen.

This one's for you, Lil.

Where do I sign?

And then watch out,
because it is on!

That is the saddest thing
I've ever heard.

Dude, Lily gets you in real life.

- She has no business in your fantasies.
- It's all I know, OK?

- I can't help it.
- I accept your invitation.

From this day forward, I will be
the wingman of your mind.

Now, focus on the next dancer.
Put Lily completely out of your mind.

Hello men, say hello to...

Jasmine.

Is it just me or does that
stripper look exactly like...?

Ted, we found a stripper
who looks exactly like Lily!

- I can't talk right now.
- I'm speechless, too.

Everything's as perky
as we've always imagined!

Stop looking at her.

I got to go.
Take a picture.

I will. But first, I'm going
to make Marshall

watch as I wedge Ulysses S. Grant
between his wife's Tatas.

I'll kill you!

- Sorry about that.
- So, any thoughts on food?

Yeah. You want to share the oysters?

I would love to share the oysters.

Good. 'cause if you didn't...

... that would be mighty shellfish.

That's bad.

That's why it's funny!

We've been on this date before.

We've been on this exact
blind date before.

In this exact same restaurant.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but
I don't remember that going that well.

Me, neither.

I remember thinking
that you were a little snobby.

Wait, you...

You dress your cats up
in weird costumes.

They're not weird.
See, you're being snobby again.

Oh, my god.
Do you realize what this means?

Since our first date,

we've done a complete lap

of all the single people in New York

only to end up back here,
with each other.

We're going to die alone, aren't we?

Well, you've got your cats.

This is insane.

Wait, I got to ask.
Why did you think I was snobby?

Wait... Okay... Yeah, we were
sitting over there...

Maine lobster.
They spelled "main" without the "e."

Good to know we're not getting
the crappy understudy lobsters, right?

Tonight, the role of pound-and-a-half
lobster will be played by...

I get it.

Pointing out spelling errors in a menu
makes you seem kind of snooty.

I had no idea.

What about me?
Aside from the cats,

how did I come across?

That's right... the check.
The check came

and, of course, I was going to pay,

but you didn't do the check dance.

Guys want to wave the girl off
and, you know, look like a big shot.

I had no idea.

This is good. We're learning stuff.
You know what we should do?

We should retrace
the rest of that night

and figure out what else
we do wrong on first dates.

'Cause let's be honest...

We are scaring people off, Jen.

We really are.

Okay, I'm in.

- Great.
- Where'd we go next?

I think we went to Maclaren's.

I didn't really talk about
my cats that much, did i?

And then, there's Tabby-Gail Adams,
the jester of the group.

Tone down the kitty talk.

Check.

You will not believe
who we saw tonight.

We saw the third doppelganger!

I should explain.

Over the years we had spotted
two strangers

who looked exactly like
members of our group.

Lesbian Robin.

And moustache Marshall.

By the following summer, we would find
the remaing two doppelgangers.

I'll get to that.

Ladies, meet stripper Lily.

Yeah, I couldn't get her face in it.

But she looks just like you.

So you went to a strip club?

Busted.

And there was a stripper
who looked exactly like me?

Babe, look, before you get mad...

Awesome!

I bet the guys were going crazy.

I bet they wanted to touch her so bad.
But all you can do is look,

unless you go into the back room,
but honey, you got to pay.

So...

Strip club.

Marshall made me go.

So what did I do wrong next?

Let me have it.
I'm here to learn.

I kept dropping hints
that I was cold,

but you didn't offer me your jacket.

It's a little brisk out tonight!

Not really.

Really?

I can't feel my fingers.

I'm pretty impervious
to stuff like that.

I couldn't admit I was cold.

I didn't want to seem like a wimp
compared to your action hero ex,

who you wouldn't stop talking about.

After a day of fighting fires,
Jim would love to come home

and unwind working
on his '68 camaro.

That or bare-knuckle boxing,

which he learned
in the marine corps.

I had an aunt in the coast guard.

So no talking about the ex.

Not even about
his shockingly small wiener?

See?

Why didn't you lead off with that?

Was there a shower on stage?
Sometimes there's a shower on stage.

I bet stripper me would get
in there with another girl

and just go bananas.

See?

We got to have
a bros' night at a strip club

and our ladies
are totally cool with it.

I'm not cool with it.

Because they understand it's healthy

- for us to do that from time to time.
- It's disgusting.

Because it's harmless.

Did one of your whores
tell you that?

Marshall shouldn't have to go
to trouble

to have an innocent fantasy.

Trouble?
What trouble?

It's nothing.

Tell her.
We're all friends here.

No, we're not.

Sometimes I think about other women.

It happens.

But even when I do, I feel so guilty

that I have to imagine you...

passing away first,
because even in a fantasy world,

I could never cheat on you.
You're...

You're just my life, baby.

And I love you.

You kill me off?

Fantasize about other girls
all you want,

but could you maybe not murder me?

Murder?
No! Baby, no.

You develop a chronic illness!
I spare no expense for your care!

I even set up a foundation in your name.
We're, like, this close to a cure.

Remember?

I do remember.

We went in here for a drink
with your friends, who I loved...

Or hated, depending
if you're still friends with them.

- You loved them.
- They're family, Ted.

Let's go in
and see what they remember.

They are my best friends, so...

don't be surprised
if they suddenly "can't think"

of anything I do wrong.

Did he juggle? Bad puns?

Expect a standing ovation

for picking up a $19 check?

Let's not forget

the menu typo gold mine.

Keep pannin' that river, buddy.

It is a lot cheaper
than buying a condom.

Actually, you know what it was?

I remember him coming across
as kind of a player.

- Me?
- Ted?

We were all sitting over there...

And here's a picture of my cats
dressed up like Batman villains.

You got the Joker,

the Riddler, Mr. Freeze...

What about Catwoman?

That would've been good.

Nice.

Wait, no!

I remember that.
I was not checking out a girl.

Nice.

We're checking out
moustache Marshall.

Gosh,
I thought you were such a jerk.

I'm so sorry.

It's nice to know "past me"
wasn't a total jackass!

"Present you" isn't so bad, either.

Thank you very much.

I remember this.

And there's the Chrysler building.

And the Empire State building.

And at 12:00,

a rotund couple going
at it against the glass.

That's kind of sweet.

Look.

Snack break.

Good for them.

Letting a guy eat pizza off your back,
that's love.

So...

I know this wasn't
the best first date of all time, but...

I'm glad we stuck it out.

Me too.

That was really great.

What went wrong?

I remember now.

So would you maybe...

Want to go out again?

I would.
Will you call me?

Absolutely.

Promise?

Promise.

I have been so...

busy.

Good night.

I'm sorry.

I know I'm seven years late
with this call,

but I was an idiot back then.

You saw the goatee.

The truth is,
I had a great time tonight,

and I'd love to see you again.

There are two kinds of guys.

The guys that you want to call you,
who don't,

and the guys you don't want to call you,
who always do.

And somehow, right now...

you're both.

You should be able to fantasize
about another woman

without feeling guilty, or,
you know, killing me off.

I wish I could,

but I've been doing this
for so long,

I'm all confused
about death and sex.

Every time I drive past a cemetery,

I'm sportin' a partial.

All right, we got to fix this.

When stripper Lily gets out here,

you have my permission
to fantasize about her.

And since she's basically me,

maybe you won't feel guilty.

Thanks, baby.
I'm so lucky I have you.

And stripper you.

Bring out stripper Lily!

I don't come here that much.

Here's the usual
and I'll send over the other one

as soon as she's done stretching.

Thank you, kindly stranger.

Ladies and gentlemen...

Didn't see you come in.
I'll load up some AC/DC for you, buddy.

Ladies and gentlemen,
please put your hands together

for Jasmine.

I am hot!

Crawl for it, stripper me.

This is awesome.
Baby, can I get another hundred?

That was a hundred?

She crawls fast.

Look, Jen, I wish I could go back

and talk some sense into 2002 Ted,

but that guy's a lost cause.

He's 24.

He thinks a facial hair
makes him look like Johnny Depp.

He has no idea what a great girl
he's missing out on.

But I've learned a lot since then.

I've learned a lot tonight.

The only thing that we've learned
is that, seven years ago,

it was a mistake for us to go out.

I guess it was a mistake for us
to go out tonight.

No, it wasn't.

I had a great time tonight.
And seven years ago,

if you think about it,
we didn't miss by that much.

If a couple things had gone
a little bit differently...

Who knows?

You're the best.

You are the best.

My girlfriend is at a strip club with me
and she couldn't care less.

I do care, Barney.

We're dating now!
That changes things.

We've to have
a serious talk about this.

Just the best.

Girlfriend trouble?
I wish I could help,

but my unbelievably cool wife
just bought us

a private dance
with her stripper body double.

So if you need me,

I'll be grinded like some pepper,

in the champagne room.

Just the best.

Now what?

I just remembered
why I didn't call you.

Why?

I can't believe
I'm gonna screw this up again, but...

I like finding typos in menus.

What?

And I know my shellfish pun is stupid,
but the truth is...

I'm not suddenly gonna stop
making stupid jokes.

Now that you mention it...

I'm never going to stop
talking about my cats.

They're funny, and adorable,

and totally worth
having to take six benadryl a day.

Shouldn't we...

hold out for the person who...

doesn't just tolerate
our little quirks,

but actually kind of likes them?

Even if it means...

finding ourselves on another blind date
with each other, seven years from now?

Dear God,
I hope that doesn't happen.

Well...

Good luck out there, Jen.

You too, Ted.

You'll find your shellfish lady.

And kids,

when I told your mother
that shellfish joke,

she did laugh.

And I swear,
it was only, like, 30% pity.

Looks like Jasmine's having a hard time
getting out of those boots.

What did you say, buddy?

Who?

I am this Lily.

We married long time.

May I have monies for shopping?