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[upbeat music]
2
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[applause]
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00:00:06,956 --> 00:00:08,033
Welcome back.
4
00:00:08,153 --> 00:00:10,211
Today we are doing a very special show,
5
00:00:10,244 --> 00:00:13,380
"Foxy at 50... and Beyond."
6
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- Welcome, guys.
- [applause]
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So, Dr. Jane,
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you have a hot new book out there titled,
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"When I Grow Up I Want to be a JILF."
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It's GILF, Donny.
11
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As in grandmother
I'd like to f...
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- Uh...
- A GILF.
13
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- Right.
- [laughter]
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Today, 50 is an entirely new landscape.
15
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Science is changing the way women age.
16
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This next generation of women
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will all be GILFs.
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[applause]
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All right. All right.
Calm down out there.
20
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Okay, so, Kiara,
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00:00:42,876 --> 00:00:44,411
what're the kind of things
that you might do now
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00:00:44,445 --> 00:00:45,946
that you wouldn't have done in your 30s?
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Well, for me, I didn't
even know what good sex was
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until I turned 50.
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I'm kinkier. I'm more confident.
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Let's stop on the kinky part, okay?
27
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[both laugh]
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Donny, this is not a date.
29
00:00:56,890 --> 00:01:01,395
I would say the most important
physical exercise is Kegels.
30
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- Right ladies?
- What is this?
31
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- Absolutely.
- Clenching those muscles
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you will keep yourself tight and moist.
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And you can do it anywhere in the world.
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You can do it on public transportation:
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trains, buses... it's easy.
36
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I gotta start taking public
transportation a lot more.
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Ew! Please move off this topic.
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I have to tell you,
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to me, until a woman hits 48,
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she's not a woman yet.
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I have no use for 25-year-olds,
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30-year-olds.
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Give me a plus-50
powerful woman every time.
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[applause, cheering]
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That was so convincing.
Yeah, I almost believed you.
46
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Can I stop you for a second?
47
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Is it "clit-oris" or "cli-toris?"
48
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Synced and corrected by Octavia
- www.addic7ed.com -
49
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Oh, no, Mr. President,
50
00:01:47,408 --> 00:01:49,877
I thought I was your favorite ice skater?
51
00:01:49,910 --> 00:01:54,314
Do you know what Putin
does to skaters that fail him?
52
00:01:54,315 --> 00:01:56,283
Bad skaters get punished.
53
00:01:56,317 --> 00:01:59,787
Mr. Putin is going to
punish his bad skater.
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No, ugh.
55
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What're you doing?
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We're in a fantasy. What's going on?
57
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I don't want to play
failed Olympian anymore.
58
00:02:06,360 --> 00:02:09,163
On your show you said a
woman is nobody until 48.
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That's TV.
60
00:02:10,331 --> 00:02:12,799
Okay? I say stuff to get
the audience cheering.
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This is what I want. You, baby.
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Well, maybe you're too old for me.
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What do you mean I'm too old for you?
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I'm in better shape than
a lot of guys half my age,
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and this works great.
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- It's easy.
- Easy?
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Maybe I'm too easy for you.
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It's all good, baby.
Let's go back to Putin, okay?
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I want a pause, Donny.
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Do you know what?
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Maybe I want a pause because you're nuts.
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- Pause.
- Pause.
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- Pause.
- Pause!
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- Pause.
- Pause.
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- Pause.
- Go find an old lady.
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[jazz music]
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Control, Alt, Delete.
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Control, Alt, Delete.
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Hey, sweetie, you busy?
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I'm not a sweetie,
and yes I'm very busy.
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[sighs]
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You are, like, wired.
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What is going on with you?
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I'm not wired. I'm just frozen,
85
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and I need some help... Ned!
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Look, look look...
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00:03:04,151 --> 00:03:06,920
You're favorite
talk show host... moi,
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is going to be in a major magazine,
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big deal thing.
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- About media man-children?
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- "Sexiest Men in Media."
- I don't...
92
00:03:16,397 --> 00:03:17,730
- No.
- Yeah.
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00:03:17,731 --> 00:03:19,900
The editor loved the
whole Foxy 50 show we did.
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She was like, "We need
more people like you,
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00:03:22,102 --> 00:03:23,837
standing up for women over 50."
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00:03:23,871 --> 00:03:25,072
I'm telling you, my Instagram,
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my Sna... what's the
snap thing I got?
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00:03:26,740 --> 00:03:27,841
- Chat.
- Snapchat.
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00:03:27,875 --> 00:03:28,976
Everybody's like, "Donny, we love you."
100
00:03:29,009 --> 00:03:30,410
"Donny, you're the best."
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Yeah, everybody really loved
that big fat lie you told.
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You've never dated anybody over 48... ever.
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00:03:35,883 --> 00:03:37,150
As a matter of fact,
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I'm gonna go out with
an age appropriate woman.
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What about Galina?
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We're taking a little pause.
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A pause?
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Yeah, every couple
months you take a month off,
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it keeps it fresh.
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But she still has access
to your credit card
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00:03:47,428 --> 00:03:49,162
whether you're on play or pause?
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00:03:49,163 --> 00:03:51,098
- Yes, yes, yes, yes.
- That's fair.
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So, older women, what do we think?
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I mean, it's about
time that you grow up.
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I definitely, definitely wanna do this,
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00:03:57,404 --> 00:04:00,740
but there's just... I
got a little fear thing.
117
00:04:00,741 --> 00:04:02,843
- What?
- I haven't been with a woman
118
00:04:02,876 --> 00:04:05,278
close to my age since, like, '93, '94...
119
00:04:05,279 --> 00:04:06,313
- Mm-hmm.
- And things were
120
00:04:06,346 --> 00:04:08,148
- a little different back then.
- Sure.
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00:04:08,182 --> 00:04:11,184
All the women, down
there, there was a lot of...
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00:04:11,185 --> 00:04:13,319
Oh, you're talking about the bush.
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Yes. You don't have to say it that way,
124
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but it was all over everywhere,
125
00:04:16,156 --> 00:04:17,391
and I think I would freak a little bit.
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00:04:17,424 --> 00:04:19,926
I haven't seen a pubic
hair in, like, 20 years.
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00:04:19,927 --> 00:04:23,463
Oh, and I'm sure you're on the
cutting edge of pubic grooming.
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00:04:23,464 --> 00:04:25,732
I... first of all, I'm a guy,
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so there's not that much to do.
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00:04:27,201 --> 00:04:28,302
It's different for a man and a woman.
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You don't do anything to your crotch hair,
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00:04:31,038 --> 00:04:34,040
and you expect a woman
to be groomed perfectly
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00:04:34,041 --> 00:04:36,009
to your liking? You're a pubic hypocrite.
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00:04:36,043 --> 00:04:37,177
I've never had any complaints,
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00:04:37,211 --> 00:04:39,912
so I don't think you
need to worry about me.
136
00:04:39,913 --> 00:04:43,250
- Frozen again?
- Yes.
137
00:04:43,283 --> 00:04:44,784
- Hey, what's up, Ned?
- How are you?
138
00:04:44,785 --> 00:04:46,953
- Oh, sorry.
- It's okay.
139
00:04:46,954 --> 00:04:49,156
Older woman, babe. Not older than me,
140
00:04:49,189 --> 00:04:51,224
but maybe, like, early
50s or something mid-50s.
141
00:04:51,225 --> 00:04:53,760
Older women are where it's at, man.
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00:04:53,794 --> 00:04:57,794
Imagine the love of a
mother, but sexualized.
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00:04:58,699 --> 00:05:00,667
I need your help finding my older woman.
144
00:05:00,701 --> 00:05:02,035
And I'm gonna actually give you guys
145
00:05:02,069 --> 00:05:04,204
a little jump start, all right?
146
00:05:04,238 --> 00:05:07,206
I have a "All-star Donny's Fantasy List."
147
00:05:07,207 --> 00:05:09,042
All right, take this down:
148
00:05:09,076 --> 00:05:11,812
Marsha Brady, Mary Ann
from "Gilligan's Island,"
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00:05:11,845 --> 00:05:14,814
any supermodel I would go '75, '85...
150
00:05:14,815 --> 00:05:16,049
- Years-old?
- No.
151
00:05:16,083 --> 00:05:18,218
- From 1975 to 1985.
- 1975 to 19...
152
00:05:18,252 --> 00:05:21,220
- Any Bond girl... once again '75 to '85.
153
00:05:21,221 --> 00:05:22,822
Uh, Jan Brady,
154
00:05:22,823 --> 00:05:25,224
Punky Brewster... Pam Grier...
155
00:05:25,225 --> 00:05:28,861
Literally, we have never
heard of a single one of these.
156
00:05:28,862 --> 00:05:31,865
[sighs] Guys, just start with that,
157
00:05:31,899 --> 00:05:33,033
and you can beat it, okay?
158
00:05:33,066 --> 00:05:34,201
Just anywhere you wanna go.
[gasps]
159
00:05:34,234 --> 00:05:36,702
I have an aunt who would love you.
160
00:05:36,703 --> 00:05:38,371
Okay, no relatives,
161
00:05:38,372 --> 00:05:40,240
and we're only going top-shelf.
162
00:05:40,274 --> 00:05:43,976
Find me my 50-plus queen.
163
00:05:43,977 --> 00:05:47,114
- Top-shelf, single malt lady in her 50s.
164
00:05:47,147 --> 00:05:48,815
Friday night's free, guys.
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00:05:50,606 --> 00:05:53,075
We have searched far
and wide into yesteryear,
166
00:05:53,651 --> 00:05:56,520
for a 50-plus woman for you to date.
167
00:05:56,554 --> 00:05:57,988
Here are the results.
168
00:05:58,022 --> 00:06:00,624
All right, Punky Brewster is married,
169
00:06:00,658 --> 00:06:02,125
and also offended.
170
00:06:02,126 --> 00:06:05,628
Mary Ann, in "Gilligan's island",
is actually 76.
171
00:06:05,629 --> 00:06:09,132
Pam Grier says, "You
can't handle Pam Grier."
172
00:06:09,133 --> 00:06:10,234
This is what you guys have?
173
00:06:10,267 --> 00:06:12,203
This is all we've come up with.
174
00:06:14,371 --> 00:06:16,273
I got Christie Brinkley!
175
00:06:16,307 --> 00:06:17,674
- What?
- What?
176
00:06:17,675 --> 00:06:19,410
- Yes!
- Wow. Big.
177
00:06:19,443 --> 00:06:21,478
Nice. I love her.
178
00:06:21,512 --> 00:06:23,413
I had this, like, huge poster of her
179
00:06:23,414 --> 00:06:24,481
in my room when I was younger.
180
00:06:24,515 --> 00:06:27,952
I know, you're mom told me.
181
00:06:27,985 --> 00:06:29,286
Okay, wait a second, this is done?
182
00:06:29,320 --> 00:06:32,089
Yes. Her agent told your agent
183
00:06:32,122 --> 00:06:34,358
that he is holding her Friday night.
184
00:06:34,391 --> 00:06:37,427
Christie Brinkley,
Christie Brinkley
185
00:06:37,428 --> 00:06:40,663
- Pop. Wow.
-
Boom Dee Dee Dee
186
00:06:40,664 --> 00:06:42,399
All right, guys, seriously though.
187
00:06:42,433 --> 00:06:44,534
Do you want Zoe to make
some rezzies for ya?
188
00:06:44,535 --> 00:06:46,237
I'm gonna do the dinner at Elio's, okay?
189
00:06:46,270 --> 00:06:47,972
Very quiet, romantic dinner,
190
00:06:48,005 --> 00:06:50,306
and then, we will bring her back here
191
00:06:50,307 --> 00:06:52,042
for the tour.
192
00:06:52,076 --> 00:06:53,443
- Mm-mm, no.
- Oh...
193
00:06:53,444 --> 00:06:55,312
No, Donny... no.
194
00:06:55,346 --> 00:06:58,314
You can't give Christie Brinkley
195
00:06:58,315 --> 00:07:00,317
the tour de seduction.
196
00:07:00,351 --> 00:07:02,019
What is the tour de seduction?
197
00:07:02,052 --> 00:07:05,588
The tour was invented
exactly for these situations.
198
00:07:05,589 --> 00:07:07,391
Let me explain, come Friday,
199
00:07:07,424 --> 00:07:09,693
what's gonna kinda go down here, okay?
200
00:07:09,727 --> 00:07:13,230
- Dinner was great, wasn't it?
- Amazing.
201
00:07:13,264 --> 00:07:16,000
So, this is my home.
202
00:07:16,033 --> 00:07:19,435
Oh, it's beautiful. [gasps]
203
00:07:19,436 --> 00:07:22,973
- First, there's the art.
- Oh, I love it.
204
00:07:23,007 --> 00:07:25,442
[gasps] Keith Haring.
205
00:07:25,476 --> 00:07:27,043
And is that a Basquiat?
206
00:07:27,044 --> 00:07:28,279
And I always us the line,
207
00:07:28,312 --> 00:07:29,980
"You know, it's such a
privilege to live with art."
208
00:07:30,014 --> 00:07:31,447
It's really a privilege
to live with art.
209
00:07:31,448 --> 00:07:33,216
And then, you know, they
think I got some class.
210
00:07:33,217 --> 00:07:35,485
I never knew you were so deep.
211
00:07:35,486 --> 00:07:37,221
Then I take 'em to the staircase.
212
00:07:37,254 --> 00:07:40,024
We establish size and dominance.
213
00:07:40,057 --> 00:07:41,225
Look up.
214
00:07:41,258 --> 00:07:43,560
[gasps] Wow!
215
00:07:43,594 --> 00:07:46,297
At that point, you take
them right up to the kitchen.
216
00:07:46,330 --> 00:07:47,698
And here is the kitchen.
217
00:07:47,932 --> 00:07:49,166
I don't use it a lot.
218
00:07:49,199 --> 00:07:51,334
Well, you need somebody to cook for you.
219
00:07:51,335 --> 00:07:52,603
Then cue the dogs.
220
00:07:52,636 --> 00:07:53,937
Now, here come the babies.
221
00:07:53,938 --> 00:07:55,338
- Yeah, hi.
- Aw.
222
00:07:55,339 --> 00:07:57,441
Oh, yeah. Who the man? Who the man?
223
00:07:57,474 --> 00:07:59,710
Then, we kinda go into the TV room.
224
00:07:59,944 --> 00:08:03,714
[woman singing in French song]
225
00:08:03,948 --> 00:08:06,482
Establish more scale, more
dominance, more height.
226
00:08:06,483 --> 00:08:09,620
The ceiling's so high.
227
00:08:11,221 --> 00:08:12,589
It's, like... it's not even a sport.
228
00:08:12,623 --> 00:08:14,591
Then we go up to the kids' floor.
229
00:08:14,625 --> 00:08:17,661
Oh, they're adorable.
230
00:08:17,695 --> 00:08:21,298
I'll bet you're the best dad.
231
00:08:21,332 --> 00:08:23,099
I try. Mwah.
232
00:08:23,100 --> 00:08:25,234
Then, the money shot.
233
00:08:25,235 --> 00:08:27,971
They see the closet.
234
00:08:27,972 --> 00:08:30,474
- Wow.
- It just goes on and on.
235
00:08:30,507 --> 00:08:32,376
Oh, Donny.
236
00:08:32,409 --> 00:08:34,511
It's so big.
237
00:08:34,545 --> 00:08:37,715
[sighs] And the shoes...
238
00:08:37,948 --> 00:08:40,383
They start to see their
own shoes on the closet.
239
00:08:40,384 --> 00:08:43,654
And once they see their
shoes, it's shoes to sheets.
240
00:08:43,687 --> 00:08:47,324
Oh, can I move in with you?
241
00:08:48,659 --> 00:08:51,295
Do women actually fall for this?
242
00:08:51,328 --> 00:08:54,064
Well, women tend to kinda
usually like this closet.
243
00:08:54,098 --> 00:08:55,365
They think it's kinda cool.
244
00:08:55,366 --> 00:08:57,400
Who does your shelf labeling?
245
00:08:57,401 --> 00:09:00,270
V neck, short sleeved...
God, you're so organized.
246
00:09:00,304 --> 00:09:02,239
I know, it's a little embarrassing.
247
00:09:02,272 --> 00:09:05,275
My housekeepers are very
anal and they put labels up.
248
00:09:05,309 --> 00:09:07,010
I like the smoking jacket.
249
00:09:07,011 --> 00:09:08,946
I know, it looks silly
when I have smoking jackets.
250
00:09:08,979 --> 00:09:11,115
I just... I got it for Halloween.
251
00:09:11,148 --> 00:09:13,117
So, then people thought I looked
cool so I got a couple of them.
252
00:09:13,150 --> 00:09:16,020
You know, you didn't have to
put on this whole show for me.
253
00:09:16,053 --> 00:09:17,654
I didn't mean to be stupid.
254
00:09:17,688 --> 00:09:19,156
I just, I mean, you're Christie Brinkley,
255
00:09:19,189 --> 00:09:20,391
so I was just trying to impress you.
256
00:09:20,424 --> 00:09:21,992
No, it's not that.
257
00:09:22,026 --> 00:09:23,159
When we were at dinner,
258
00:09:23,160 --> 00:09:25,629
I was already thinking
of sleeping with you.
259
00:09:25,662 --> 00:09:27,364
- Really?
- Mm-hmm.
260
00:09:27,398 --> 00:09:29,265
I think you're sexy.
261
00:09:29,266 --> 00:09:30,334
I am gonna be honest.
262
00:09:30,367 --> 00:09:31,969
I thought maybe at best we'd make out.
263
00:09:32,002 --> 00:09:34,137
I didn't think that
anything more would happen.
264
00:09:34,138 --> 00:09:36,106
Yeah, well.
265
00:09:36,140 --> 00:09:37,508
No, wait.
266
00:09:37,541 --> 00:09:38,542
Get in there.
267
00:09:38,575 --> 00:09:41,111
- Where?
- In the bedroom.
268
00:09:42,179 --> 00:09:45,249
- Okay.
- Take off your jacket.
269
00:09:45,282 --> 00:09:46,517
No problem.
270
00:09:49,353 --> 00:09:51,221
Take off your shirt.
271
00:09:52,489 --> 00:09:56,026
I'm used to giving
the orders, but, uh...
272
00:09:56,060 --> 00:09:58,561
Mmm.
273
00:09:58,562 --> 00:10:01,297
Take off... your belt.
274
00:10:01,298 --> 00:10:03,167
Why don't we just go... let's go into bed.
275
00:10:03,200 --> 00:10:06,503
Put the belt on the table behind you.
276
00:10:06,537 --> 00:10:07,504
Okay.
277
00:10:07,538 --> 00:10:10,641
We may need that later.
278
00:10:10,674 --> 00:10:12,376
Take off your pants.
279
00:10:12,409 --> 00:10:14,044
We could do this... I like this,
280
00:10:14,078 --> 00:10:16,446
but I'm usually the one
telling the woman what to do.
281
00:10:16,447 --> 00:10:18,181
I mean, this is different and okay, but...
282
00:10:18,182 --> 00:10:20,284
Stop wasting my time.
283
00:10:20,317 --> 00:10:21,552
Okay.
284
00:10:22,586 --> 00:10:25,322
Mmm.
285
00:10:25,355 --> 00:10:27,691
Unusual for me.
286
00:10:29,093 --> 00:10:31,128
Show me what you've got.
287
00:10:31,161 --> 00:10:32,462
Give me a sec, I got an idea.
288
00:10:32,463 --> 00:10:35,199
Chris, I got this whole... I'm
getting very creative here.
289
00:10:35,232 --> 00:10:38,435
Don't go anywhere. This
is gonna be worth it.
290
00:10:38,469 --> 00:10:42,469
Something very special. One more second.
291
00:10:43,474 --> 00:10:46,075
You know those moments
when only the best will do?
292
00:10:46,076 --> 00:10:48,611
Like, I'm about to sleep
with Christie Brinkley?
293
00:10:48,612 --> 00:10:50,947
That's when you pull out Purity Vodka.
294
00:10:50,948 --> 00:10:53,483
Distilled 34 times for superior taste.
295
00:10:53,484 --> 00:10:56,619
Purity, the most exceptional vodka.
296
00:10:56,620 --> 00:10:58,956
I'm waiting.
297
00:10:58,989 --> 00:11:01,358
All right, here we go.
298
00:11:01,391 --> 00:11:02,993
You gonna like this.
299
00:11:04,962 --> 00:11:06,597
All right, baby.
300
00:11:06,630 --> 00:11:09,233
Here comes the big dog.
301
00:11:11,502 --> 00:11:13,971
I know, it's impressive.
302
00:11:14,004 --> 00:11:15,939
[laughs]
303
00:11:15,973 --> 00:11:17,040
What?
304
00:11:17,074 --> 00:11:18,208
What're you laughing at?
305
00:11:18,242 --> 00:11:21,211
I haven't seen a shag
like that since the 70s.
306
00:11:21,245 --> 00:11:22,346
It's not a shag.
307
00:11:22,379 --> 00:11:25,115
It's, um, you know, I trim a little bit.
308
00:11:25,149 --> 00:11:26,617
- [laughs]
- It's not a lot.
309
00:11:26,650 --> 00:11:28,117
It really isn't. Just some, you know,
310
00:11:28,118 --> 00:11:29,986
appropriate pubic stuff.
311
00:11:29,987 --> 00:11:32,623
Honestly, it's not...
Nobody's ever, like... really?
312
00:11:32,656 --> 00:11:33,991
You know what, Donny?
313
00:11:34,024 --> 00:11:37,260
This has been fun, but I've gotta go.
314
00:11:37,261 --> 00:11:39,429
Next time, okay, just take care of that.
315
00:11:39,463 --> 00:11:42,999
If I cover my hands like this
you only see the good parts.
316
00:11:43,000 --> 00:11:44,601
Hopefully I'll see you soon.
317
00:11:44,635 --> 00:11:46,503
We're gonna do it again though, right?
318
00:11:46,537 --> 00:11:49,273
Christie? I'll call you, okay.
319
00:11:50,456 --> 00:11:53,158
[jazz music]
320
00:11:55,893 --> 00:11:58,863
Someone's a little extra uptight today.
321
00:11:58,896 --> 00:11:59,864
A little.
322
00:11:59,897 --> 00:12:00,856
Ready to be happy?
323
00:12:01,286 --> 00:12:02,828
I'm gonna say these words that
have never come out of my mouth.
324
00:12:03,049 --> 00:12:04,702
You were right.
325
00:12:04,735 --> 00:12:06,903
I had my date with Christie, went well,
326
00:12:06,904 --> 00:12:08,205
but then your whole
327
00:12:08,239 --> 00:12:09,773
pubic hypocrite theory kicked in.
328
00:12:09,774 --> 00:12:11,208
So it's over?
329
00:12:11,242 --> 00:12:12,576
No, she was actually very very sweet.
330
00:12:12,610 --> 00:12:14,678
She just said, "Let's kinda end the night,"
331
00:12:14,712 --> 00:12:18,214
and gave me kind of a little...
subtle homework assignment
332
00:12:18,215 --> 00:12:20,350
to kind of clean things
up a little bit down there.
333
00:12:20,351 --> 00:12:23,254
So you scare her off with
your little Jew-poof,
334
00:12:23,287 --> 00:12:24,622
but she gives you a second chance.
335
00:12:24,655 --> 00:12:26,857
Meanwhile, I have no one?
How is that a fair world?
336
00:12:26,891 --> 00:12:28,391
Okay, let me take that one at a time.
337
00:12:28,392 --> 00:12:30,393
Number one, there's
nothing little down there,
338
00:12:30,394 --> 00:12:32,897
and you're alone because
you refuse to date.
339
00:12:32,930 --> 00:12:34,899
How am I supposed to date anyone
340
00:12:34,932 --> 00:12:36,666
when everyone pisses me off?
341
00:12:36,667 --> 00:12:37,902
Let's ratchet it back a little bit.
342
00:12:37,935 --> 00:12:40,871
Instead of dating, you
just simply need to get...
343
00:12:40,905 --> 00:12:42,539
- Hit?
- You need to get laid.
344
00:12:42,540 --> 00:12:44,175
I mean, you're, like, so uptight.
345
00:12:44,208 --> 00:12:46,643
Okay, on that extremely,
way too personal note,
346
00:12:46,644 --> 00:12:48,645
I'm gonna go, and don't
forget your homework...
347
00:12:48,646 --> 00:12:50,247
Snip-snip and the Jew-poof.
348
00:12:50,281 --> 00:12:51,248
There's no poof.
349
00:12:51,282 --> 00:12:53,917
Pubic Parity! Equal rights!
350
00:12:53,918 --> 00:12:57,520
[jazz music]
351
00:12:57,521 --> 00:12:58,622
Let's go, Donny.
352
00:12:58,656 --> 00:12:59,857
I see you on the beach.
353
00:12:59,890 --> 00:13:02,258
Hamptons, baby. Shirtless.
354
00:13:02,259 --> 00:13:03,327
- Whew.
- Great set.
355
00:13:03,360 --> 00:13:04,929
- Great set... great work.
- Nice job.
356
00:13:05,162 --> 00:13:07,264
Oh, man, I'd like to be on the beach.
357
00:13:07,298 --> 00:13:08,666
Do you miss the days
358
00:13:08,699 --> 00:13:10,567
when guys would walk around
with hair on their chests?
359
00:13:10,568 --> 00:13:12,302
You gotta keep it
clean, shows the muscles.
360
00:13:12,303 --> 00:13:13,303
Funny you should say that.
361
00:13:13,304 --> 00:13:14,437
Let me ask you a question.
362
00:13:14,438 --> 00:13:16,273
All right? This is kind
of a personal question.
363
00:13:16,307 --> 00:13:19,809
As far as, like,
grooming and... down here...
364
00:13:19,810 --> 00:13:21,378
with, like, all the hair.
365
00:13:21,412 --> 00:13:23,546
What do you do to keep stuff organized?
366
00:13:23,547 --> 00:13:25,883
- What do you mean?
- Like, I gotta clean up.
367
00:13:25,916 --> 00:13:27,817
I gotta do more than I'm doing down here.
368
00:13:27,818 --> 00:13:29,420
You got a itch or something?
369
00:13:29,453 --> 00:13:31,688
No, I gotta do some scaping.
370
00:13:31,689 --> 00:13:33,289
And I thought I did enough.
371
00:13:33,290 --> 00:13:34,625
Like, what do you do?
372
00:13:34,658 --> 00:13:37,528
You asking me what
I think you asking me?
373
00:13:37,561 --> 00:13:40,498
Can I see what you got down there?
374
00:13:41,832 --> 00:13:43,566
- You wanna see my penis.
- I really don't wanna
375
00:13:43,567 --> 00:13:44,834
see your pe... I'm sure
it's a very nice penis.
376
00:13:44,835 --> 00:13:46,570
Ugh, what is wrong with you, man?
377
00:13:46,604 --> 00:13:48,471
I don't wanna see your
penis. I would actually, though,
378
00:13:48,472 --> 00:13:51,574
like to see what's above
and around your penis.
379
00:13:51,575 --> 00:13:53,176
- [groans] Donny.
- Listen.
380
00:13:53,177 --> 00:13:55,311
Like, if you're penis was, like, the city,
381
00:13:55,312 --> 00:13:56,680
I just wanna see the suburbs.
382
00:13:56,714 --> 00:13:58,181
- Cover the penis...
- Donny, Donny.
383
00:13:58,182 --> 00:13:59,416
Show me the work.
384
00:13:59,450 --> 00:14:00,784
- Stop... look, I got you.
- I need your help, man.
385
00:14:00,818 --> 00:14:02,152
- I got you.
- I don't wanna do all this
386
00:14:02,186 --> 00:14:03,720
- and do too much.
- Okay, bro.
387
00:14:03,721 --> 00:14:05,456
- I just want you to shut up.
- All right, thanks.
388
00:14:05,489 --> 00:14:06,790
- You ready?
- I'm ready.
389
00:14:06,824 --> 00:14:08,659
What you got?
390
00:14:08,692 --> 00:14:10,594
- Nice.
- Yeah, high and tight.
391
00:14:10,628 --> 00:14:12,463
Okay, good, I got a
mental picture of that.
392
00:14:12,496 --> 00:14:14,398
You know, I thought I was gonna
be a little more scared by that.
393
00:14:14,431 --> 00:14:15,599
- No, not bad.
- I kinda see what's
394
00:14:15,633 --> 00:14:17,200
kinda cool about it. High and tight.
395
00:14:17,201 --> 00:14:18,201
- High and tight.
- Okay, baby.
396
00:14:18,202 --> 00:14:19,837
- You gonna give me 50 for that.
- Okay.
397
00:14:19,870 --> 00:14:21,805
I don't just show that to everybody.
398
00:14:21,839 --> 00:14:24,775
[jazz music]
399
00:14:28,479 --> 00:14:30,481
[shaver buzzing]
400
00:14:31,882 --> 00:14:33,616
Oops.
401
00:14:33,617 --> 00:14:35,686
I am so glad you agreed
to go out with me again.
402
00:14:35,719 --> 00:14:37,487
Oh, me too.
403
00:14:37,488 --> 00:14:39,489
And, like I promised,
404
00:14:39,490 --> 00:14:41,825
everything's all taken care of down here.
405
00:14:41,859 --> 00:14:43,160
Yeah?
406
00:14:44,328 --> 00:14:45,495
What do you think?
407
00:14:45,496 --> 00:14:46,764
Better.
408
00:14:46,797 --> 00:14:48,299
- I did it for you, baby.
- [giggles]
409
00:14:48,332 --> 00:14:51,335
- All for you.
- Oh, listen.
410
00:14:51,368 --> 00:14:54,771
These days, I'm really into role-play.
411
00:14:54,772 --> 00:14:56,472
You good with that?
412
00:14:56,473 --> 00:14:57,740
I'm, like, Mr. Role-play.
413
00:14:57,741 --> 00:14:59,476
I mean, that's my thing.
414
00:14:59,510 --> 00:15:01,445
Okay, here's... I got a good
one. You're gonna love this.
415
00:15:01,478 --> 00:15:03,613
- Right.
- I'm a cop, all right?
416
00:15:03,614 --> 00:15:06,215
And you're pulled over
by the side of the road,
417
00:15:06,216 --> 00:15:07,750
whole damsel in distress thing,
418
00:15:07,751 --> 00:15:10,387
and I take out my big jack.
419
00:15:10,421 --> 00:15:13,523
No. How about this?
420
00:15:13,524 --> 00:15:17,524
I'm the first female
President of the United States,
421
00:15:18,529 --> 00:15:22,529
and you're the intern who lost my briefs.
422
00:15:24,268 --> 00:15:27,404
You're clearly terrible at your job.
423
00:15:27,438 --> 00:15:30,239
Yet you come in here every day
424
00:15:30,240 --> 00:15:33,376
taunting me with your tight khakis.
425
00:15:33,377 --> 00:15:35,378
I don't usually wear khakis.
426
00:15:35,379 --> 00:15:38,514
- Stay in character!
- Okay. I'm doing the khakis.
427
00:15:38,515 --> 00:15:42,720
And then flaunting your underwear band,
428
00:15:42,753 --> 00:15:46,390
and your mounds of ass.
429
00:15:46,423 --> 00:15:47,558
Okay, I, um...
430
00:15:48,559 --> 00:15:52,295
- I will... Mrs. President...
- Commander!
431
00:15:52,296 --> 00:15:53,429
Commander?
432
00:15:53,430 --> 00:15:57,567
Call... me... Commander!
433
00:15:57,568 --> 00:15:59,937
- Command me, Commander.
- Yes.
434
00:16:00,170 --> 00:16:01,571
[Johnny Amoroso's "There She Is"]
435
00:16:01,572 --> 00:16:03,539
It's so hard to understand
436
00:16:03,540 --> 00:16:05,509
That no matter what I planned
437
00:16:05,542 --> 00:16:07,277
Well, there she is
438
00:16:07,311 --> 00:16:09,480
Mrs. Prime Minister, take me back
439
00:16:09,513 --> 00:16:11,147
Yes, there she is
440
00:16:11,148 --> 00:16:13,550
I'm sorry, Mrs. Roosevelt.
I'll do better next time.
441
00:16:13,584 --> 00:16:15,418
If I'm at a movie show
442
00:16:15,419 --> 00:16:17,221
I was a bad boy, Condoleezza.
443
00:16:17,254 --> 00:16:18,522
Justice Ginsburg...
444
00:16:18,555 --> 00:16:20,156
I was bad. I'll do better, Supreme Leader.
445
00:16:20,157 --> 00:16:21,557
Don't discipline me. I'm sorry.
446
00:16:21,558 --> 00:16:22,692
[groans] Do it to me.
447
00:16:22,693 --> 00:16:23,927
I'm such a bad boy.
448
00:16:24,161 --> 00:16:25,329
Mmm
449
00:16:26,397 --> 00:16:28,265
[upbeat music]
450
00:16:28,298 --> 00:16:29,432
It's time for...
451
00:16:29,433 --> 00:16:30,934
together:
Deutsch-man, Deutsch-man
452
00:16:31,168 --> 00:16:32,735
Donny Donny Deutsch-man
453
00:16:32,736 --> 00:16:33,736
We should say we're proud of you
454
00:16:33,737 --> 00:16:34,737
- because he...
- Yes.
455
00:16:34,738 --> 00:16:35,738
I think Donny's done something
456
00:16:35,739 --> 00:16:38,809
he has never, ever, done before.
457
00:16:38,842 --> 00:16:41,645
Finally dating an age appropriate woman.
458
00:16:41,679 --> 00:16:43,447
- But the age appropriate woman...
- Oh, my... wait.
459
00:16:43,480 --> 00:16:45,448
- Looks like she's 25.
- Wait, wait, wait...
460
00:16:45,449 --> 00:16:46,849
together: Christie Brinkley.
461
00:16:46,850 --> 00:16:48,686
- Congratulations, Donny.
- Wow.
462
00:16:48,719 --> 00:16:50,586
I have to say, guys,
you've known me a long time,
463
00:16:50,587 --> 00:16:51,689
- both: Yeah.
- You know me personally.
464
00:16:51,722 --> 00:16:52,823
- together: Yes.
- And I'm not, like,
465
00:16:52,856 --> 00:16:55,459
a mushy-gushy guy, but
I have to tell you guys,
466
00:16:55,492 --> 00:16:57,461
I am in love with Christie Brinkley.
467
00:16:57,494 --> 00:16:58,729
I wanna tell the world.
468
00:16:58,762 --> 00:16:59,730
I can't believe I'm actually saying...
469
00:16:59,763 --> 00:17:00,931
This is gonna be forever.
470
00:17:01,165 --> 00:17:02,733
Well, I didn't know it
was such the real thing
471
00:17:02,766 --> 00:17:04,568
until I was paging through that magazine?
472
00:17:04,601 --> 00:17:05,869
- "The Insider" magazine.
- "The Insider."
473
00:17:05,903 --> 00:17:07,737
"Sexy at 60,
474
00:17:07,738 --> 00:17:09,940
the silver age of Hollywood."
475
00:17:10,140 --> 00:17:12,876
Uh, I don't... I mean,
people don't think I look 60.
476
00:17:14,211 --> 00:17:15,745
'Cause I'm just 57.
477
00:17:15,746 --> 00:17:17,181
So, I mean, I... sexy is good,
478
00:17:17,214 --> 00:17:18,849
but, I mean, that's not correct.
479
00:17:18,882 --> 00:17:20,217
The Christie and me part is correct
480
00:17:20,250 --> 00:17:22,186
Who cares? 57, 60, Donny, who cares?
481
00:17:22,219 --> 00:17:24,221
It's just a number.
This is gonna be forever.
482
00:17:24,254 --> 00:17:25,456
- I would jump it...
- Why would you use
483
00:17:25,489 --> 00:17:26,490
the "F" word right now? It's not forever.
484
00:17:26,523 --> 00:17:28,492
If I could jump up on this right now.
485
00:17:28,525 --> 00:17:30,194
[both laugh] I would cruise it.
486
00:17:30,227 --> 00:17:31,627
- Cruise it!
- Cruise it!
487
00:17:31,628 --> 00:17:33,629
I can't do it, but in
theory that's what I'm feeling.
488
00:17:33,630 --> 00:17:34,698
- All right.
- I gotta tell you.
489
00:17:34,732 --> 00:17:35,765
- Well...
- Goo-goo ga-ga.
490
00:17:35,766 --> 00:17:37,767
Oh, don't use the
goo-goo ga-ga word.
491
00:17:37,768 --> 00:17:41,044
- I'm like a giddy teenager.
- Wow. Huh?
492
00:17:42,100 --> 00:17:44,503
[jazz music]
493
00:17:45,637 --> 00:17:46,805
[sighs]
494
00:17:46,838 --> 00:17:48,473
What're you doing here, babe?
495
00:17:48,507 --> 00:17:50,509
I know, couldn't stay away from me.
496
00:17:50,542 --> 00:17:53,345
Honestly, when I leave you,
all I wanna do is be with you.
497
00:17:53,378 --> 00:17:54,546
Did you see me on the show today?
498
00:17:54,579 --> 00:17:56,048
Was that, like, I just went crazy.
499
00:17:56,081 --> 00:17:57,849
Yeah, I did.
500
00:17:57,883 --> 00:17:59,117
All right, what should we do for lunch?
501
00:17:59,351 --> 00:18:02,586
Donny, I wanna talk about us.
502
00:18:02,587 --> 00:18:04,389
Us is great, there's
nothing to talk about.
503
00:18:04,423 --> 00:18:06,558
To be honest, I just don't think
504
00:18:06,591 --> 00:18:07,960
it's gonna work out between us.
505
00:18:07,993 --> 00:18:09,860
- This is bad.
- We are, like, perfect.
506
00:18:09,861 --> 00:18:10,963
This is... aren't you feeling this?
507
00:18:10,996 --> 00:18:13,864
Oh, no, no, I definitely
have feelings for you.
508
00:18:13,865 --> 00:18:17,069
I just don't like that
Silver Age of Hollywood thing,
509
00:18:17,102 --> 00:18:19,971
and frankly, you're aging me up.
510
00:18:19,972 --> 00:18:21,840
- She called him old.
- I think this is crazy...
511
00:18:21,873 --> 00:18:23,708
- He's gonna be a disaster.
- I-I could...
512
00:18:23,709 --> 00:18:26,812
I just, literally,
professed my love for you
513
00:18:26,845 --> 00:18:28,680
on national television,
on the "Today" show.
514
00:18:28,714 --> 00:18:29,981
That didn't help.
515
00:18:29,982 --> 00:18:31,716
Hundred push-ups, right now.
Watch this.
516
00:18:31,717 --> 00:18:34,786
I challenge any young guy to
come in here... look at this.
517
00:18:34,820 --> 00:18:36,888
Let some young guy do this.
Let's have a push-up contest.
518
00:18:36,922 --> 00:18:38,857
I'm serious. Come on, bring 'em over.
519
00:18:38,890 --> 00:18:41,426
- Bring any young guy by.
- Goodbye.
520
00:18:41,460 --> 00:18:42,995
Christie!
521
00:18:43,028 --> 00:18:44,129
- Twenty.
- I can't look.
522
00:18:44,363 --> 00:18:46,431
Christie, I'll get a tummy tuck.
523
00:18:46,465 --> 00:18:47,898
Christie, look at this.
524
00:18:47,899 --> 00:18:49,735
Come on, I'm not even a
quarter of the way there...
525
00:18:49,768 --> 00:18:51,403
- I'm not even sweating.
- [door closes]
526
00:18:51,436 --> 00:18:53,472
I'm still doing 'em, Christie.
527
00:18:53,505 --> 00:18:56,875
Come on, I'll kick any young guys ass.
528
00:18:56,908 --> 00:18:58,010
[sighs]
529
00:18:58,043 --> 00:18:59,978
- She broke up with me.
- We know.
530
00:19:00,012 --> 00:19:01,747
I literally feel lonely already.
531
00:19:01,780 --> 00:19:03,081
It's, like, insane.
532
00:19:03,115 --> 00:19:04,616
Should I give Galina a call?
533
00:19:06,718 --> 00:19:08,753
- Yeah.
- Wait, Galina already?
534
00:19:08,754 --> 00:19:10,122
Maybe you should take some time.
535
00:19:10,355 --> 00:19:13,458
- Be alone...
- No, not a good idea.
536
00:19:13,492 --> 00:19:14,492
He can't be one.
537
00:19:14,493 --> 00:19:15,994
That's why he has three assistants,
538
00:19:16,028 --> 00:19:17,729
and two chefs, and a dog walker,
539
00:19:17,763 --> 00:19:19,530
and a dog trainer, and a house manager,
540
00:19:19,531 --> 00:19:21,499
personal trainer, and a masseuse...
541
00:19:21,500 --> 00:19:22,868
[Johnny Amoroso's "The Last to Know"]
542
00:19:22,901 --> 00:19:26,901
Please don't say
that you're leaving me
543
00:19:28,040 --> 00:19:32,040
They all say you've
been deceiving me
544
00:19:33,478 --> 00:19:35,480
- Hey, Donny.
- Hey, where are you at?
545
00:19:35,514 --> 00:19:37,516
I'm still at the office.
546
00:19:37,549 --> 00:19:39,985
What're you doing there so late?
547
00:19:40,018 --> 00:19:42,954
I had to get my motherboard rebooted.
548
00:19:44,656 --> 00:19:46,658
[whispering] Hey, can
you hand me my glasses?
549
00:19:49,094 --> 00:19:51,062
[laughing] These are your glasses.
550
00:19:51,063 --> 00:19:54,800
Those are mine.
551
00:19:54,833 --> 00:19:56,767
She dumped me.
552
00:19:56,768 --> 00:19:58,970
- Oh, I'm sorry.
- It's not funny.
553
00:19:59,004 --> 00:20:00,405
I'm sorry if you find that funny.
554
00:20:00,439 --> 00:20:01,806
I'm actually hurting. I'm a human being.
555
00:20:01,807 --> 00:20:04,408
- I have a heart.
- No, no, no I'm really sorry.
556
00:20:04,409 --> 00:20:06,944
Whatever... if anyone
asks, just say I dumped her.
557
00:20:06,945 --> 00:20:08,613
Oh, yeah, okay. That's real mature.
558
00:20:08,647 --> 00:20:10,549
- Oh, yes, I'm immature.
- Look, I gotta go.
559
00:20:10,582 --> 00:20:11,550
All right, before you hang up,
560
00:20:11,583 --> 00:20:12,651
- will you do me a favor?
- Bye.
561
00:20:12,684 --> 00:20:14,685
- [phone clicks off]
- Hello?
562
00:20:14,686 --> 00:20:15,687
Hello?
563
00:20:18,390 --> 00:20:19,524
- Hey.
- Hi.
564
00:20:20,559 --> 00:20:23,395
So, you wanna go out sometime?
565
00:20:23,428 --> 00:20:25,564
Let's not get carried away, right?
566
00:20:25,597 --> 00:20:26,964
But thank you.
567
00:20:26,965 --> 00:20:30,965
- Thanks for the reboot.
- Thanks for the intercourse.
568
00:20:31,703 --> 00:20:34,673
[jazz music]
569
00:20:38,777 --> 00:20:40,545
That's what you get for playing
570
00:20:40,579 --> 00:20:43,715
with really old fire.
571
00:20:43,748 --> 00:20:45,583
I know, I was so stupid.
572
00:20:45,584 --> 00:20:49,821
Mm. Admit. You missed me.
573
00:20:49,855 --> 00:20:52,824
- I missed you bad.
- [laughs]
574
00:20:52,858 --> 00:20:54,693
Make it up to me.
575
00:20:54,726 --> 00:20:56,461
You be Mussolini.
576
00:20:56,495 --> 00:20:59,831
I'll be the terrible housekeeper.
577
00:20:59,865 --> 00:21:02,033
Do I always have to be, like, a dictator?
578
00:21:02,067 --> 00:21:04,569
Can we maybe do where...
579
00:21:04,603 --> 00:21:08,603
you're a Russian, female,
powerful Prime Minister,
580
00:21:09,407 --> 00:21:11,109
and I'm, like, a soldier that deserted,
581
00:21:11,343 --> 00:21:13,812
and you're gonna punish me?
582
00:21:13,845 --> 00:21:16,847
No, that's weird.
583
00:21:16,848 --> 00:21:18,716
Be my Mussolini.
584
00:21:18,717 --> 00:21:21,719
[speaking Italian]
585
00:21:21,720 --> 00:21:23,889
I make a big mess.
586
00:21:26,124 --> 00:21:28,093
Mussolini upset with you.
587
00:21:28,126 --> 00:21:30,494
Mussolini mad at the mess you make.
588
00:21:30,495 --> 00:21:32,029
You clean up the pasta.
589
00:21:32,030 --> 00:21:34,466
Mm-hmm. Okay.
590
00:21:34,499 --> 00:21:36,333
I start cleaning.
591
00:21:36,334 --> 00:21:39,336
Right... down... here...
592
00:21:39,337 --> 00:21:41,573
[screams] What the hell did you do?
593
00:21:41,606 --> 00:21:43,708
Babe, that's the high and tight.
594
00:21:43,742 --> 00:21:45,410
I thought you'd like it.
595
00:21:45,443 --> 00:21:48,345
No, it looks like an elephant trunk.
596
00:21:48,346 --> 00:21:50,014
Mm-mm.
597
00:21:50,015 --> 00:21:51,563
Can't win.
598
00:21:51,683 --> 00:21:54,086
- Take 21.
- I have to know exactly what my words are.
599
00:21:54,318 --> 00:21:55,420
Purity Vodka.
600
00:21:55,540 --> 00:21:57,855
I think we can do this simpler and even
601
00:21:57,975 --> 00:21:58,913
beter for the vodka.
602
00:21:59,033 --> 00:21:59,528
Purity.
603
00:21:59,648 --> 00:22:01,446
- You gotta say vodka.
- I got it. I got it.
604
00:22:01,566 --> 00:22:03,187
Purity... Purity... what's the line?
605
00:22:03,237 --> 00:22:07,787
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