Original subtitles

(cash register drawer sliding and bell chiming)

(jazzy instrumental music)

♫ Ground floor, perfumery

♫ Stationary and leather goods

♫ Wigs and haberdashery

♫ Kitchenware and food, going up

(cash register drawer sliding and bell chiming)

(jazzy instrumental music)

♫ First floor, telephones

(knock on door)

- Enter.

(door closing)

- I've told the staff that they're required in here

and they're waiting outside.

- Oh, good, show them in.

- Yes, right.

Oh, by the way, I haven't told them anything

about what you're going to tell about.

- How do you know what I'm going to tell them?

- Well, I do empty the wastepaper baskets for Mr. Grace.

It came as a bit of a nasty shock to me.

- That is absolutely top secret.

We don't want this to leak to the outside world.

- Mum's the word.

(audience laughing)

Alright, you lot, come in now, he'll see you.

- Good morning, everybody.

- [All] Good morning, Mr. Grace.

- Shut the door, Peacock.

- Yes, sir.

- Now, what I have to say is of the utmost importance.

So, gather close, because I don't want

to have to raise my voice.

(audience laughing)

This is absolutely top secret.

Last night, I was summoned to a meeting at boardroom level.

And we discussed matters that will have a far-reaching

effect on us all.

- I know what it is.

We're going to declare war on Marshall and Snowgroves.

(audience laughing)

- If you are facetious, Mr. Lucas, you can leave the room.

Now, I cannot emphasize too strongly

the need for complete security.

- And I cannot emphasize too strongly

that if we hold this position much longer,

I'll need an osteopath to me back right.

(audience laughing)

- You get used to it with practice.

(audience laughing)

- I must point out that we are the third floor,

so who from the outside could possibly hear us?

- Someone very tall from Lilywhites.

- When I tell you what I'm going to tell you,

you will all realize the reason for my concern.

- Well, get on with it, then.

- Right.

(audience laughing)

This may come as a great shock to you all--

- Oh, blimey.

- Perhaps you'd rather not tell us, sir.

- I wish I didn't have to.

- Alright, then, I'll tell 'em.

There's been a takeover bid for Grace Brothers,

from Lalley's and Willet's.

- How dare you.

That information was absolutely confidential.

- Well, you said you didn't want to tell them.

- I didn't want to, but I was going to.

- Lalley and Willet's, that's a Bristol firm, isn't it?

- Nevermind where they hang out, what's in it for us.

(audience laughing)

- It's no secret that their pay structure

is the worst in the trade.

When they took over Cranbourne's, the whole sales staff

left within a month.

- What, even those who had been there 30 years?

- They were the first to go.

(audience laughing)

- When is all this happening?

- I don't know.

But there's to be a shareholder's meeting in a day or two.

Meanwhile, mum's the word.

Well, that's all, carry on, everybody.

(all murmuring)

Keep smiling, Peacock.

(Peacock chuckles)

(audience laughing)

It'll tear my heart out to see them go.

- What makes you think that you'll be staying?

- Have you heard something, Harman?

- Well, nah, just little bits that I pick up

in the wastepaper basket.

- But have you seen a list?

- Well, no, no, not exactly.

But you know how Mr. Grace likes to doodle on the blotter?

Well, the day before yesterday, he drawed a man

before the firing squad.

- Could you see who it was?

- No, he was blindfolded.

(audience laughing)

- What makes you think it was me?

- The blindfold sort of stuck out.

(audience laughing)

- Oh, here's a job for you, Shirley.

"Adaptable girl wanted to assist jet-setting director

"of cosmetics firm.

"Must have a little German."

- I don't think I'm that adaptable.

- I think people are too fussy.

- Oh, there's one here for me.

"Glamorous personal assistant required

"by director of film company.

"Much travel, 5,000 a year."

I say, 5,000 a year?

"No typing or shorthand necessary.

"Must be under 30."

Oh, dear, just too late.

(audience laughing)

- Anyone fancy being a barber's assistant,

with fringe benefits? (audience laughing)

- Listen to this: "Organ demonstrator wanted."

(audience laughing)

- The only job for which I seem to be qualified

is that of a chairman.

(audience laughing)

- Company chairman?

- No, deck chairman.

(audience laughing)

- Oh, here's a job, here's one for you, Captain Peacock.

"Wanted: ex-army officer of imposing appearance.

"Used to rugged outdoor life, must be able

"to get on well with Arab royalty."

- Oh, a diplomatic post.

- Well, in a way.

Doorman at the Dorchester.

(audience laughing)

- Yeah, what we really want is one of them

millionaires who's looking for a young girl Friday.

- Yeah, or in Mrs. Slocombe's case, an old girl Saturday.

(audience laughing)

- Of course, there is one vacancy that requires

to be filled.

Between Mr. Lucas' ears.

(audience laughing)

- No mind, Mrs. Slocombe.

You an always fall back on your hobby.

- Mr. Humphreys, to what are you inferring?

- You could open a pet shop.

- Yeah, you can put a flashing light outside,

saying "If your pussy's in the mood,

"have it clipped, and then shampooed."

(audience laughing)

- I'm afraid I shall never get another job, at my age.

- Remember, Harris, Churchill didn't come into his own

until he was your age.

- No, but he had the whole country behind him.

I've only got Mrs. Granger.

And she hates having me in the kitchen.

All day she says that I make the milk go sour.

(audience laughing)

- I'm sure we're all being too pessimistic.

Apparently, they have to put the bid to the shareholders,

and they might not agree.

- Uh, sorry to interrupt this jolly little gathering,

but Mr. Rumbold wants to see you all in the boardroom.

- Well he can wait til we've finished our coffee.

- Yeah, what does he want, anyway?

- Some scheme he's got to save your jobs.

(dishes rattling)

(audience laughing)

Excuse me, sir, the ladies and gents department is here

for the top secret meeting.

- Oh, good, show them in.

- Yeah.

This way for the top secret meeting.

(audience laughing)

- Oh, good morning, everybody.

- [All] Good morning, Mr. Grace.

- Now, do sit down, everybody.

- [Peacock] Thank you, sir.

- Have you got your pencil and notebook ready?

- Yes, Mr. Grace.

- Well, throw them away, this is top secret.

(audience laughing)

- Now, that does bring me to my first point.

Now, I want you all to listen very carefully.

What I'm about to tell you is absolutely confidential.

- What was that?

- I was just telling them that what I'm about to say

is absolutely confidential.

- Oh, you want me to leave the room?

(audience laughing)

- No, sir, you told me.

- Think we could have some tea while we're waiting?

(audience laughing)

- You will all be pleased to hear

that young Mr. Grace is in a position

to defeat the takeover bid by Lalley and Willet's.

(employees clapping)

- Well done, sir, thank you very much.

- I haven't finished, haven't finished.

Enough votes have been sent in to defeat the motion by post.

- Must say that comes as a great relief to us all.

- Unfortunately, postal votes do not count.

The actual shareholders have to be present in person.

- That is a pity.

- 'Tis indeed a pity.

Because those that can attend are in favor of the takeover.

They will outvote Mr. Grace, who will as a result,

lose his shares in Grace Brothers.

- But what was that?

- You will lose your share.

- I haven't been getting it for years.

(audience laughing)

- The balance could be swayed by the attendance

of just four more persons.

- Well, can't we get them here?

- They're abroad.

- Organ demonstrating, here I come.

- Well, you'll all agree that Mr. Grace

has always been absolutely straightforward

in all his business dealings.

And he has come up with several, straightforward,

business-like solutions to all our problems.

Mr. Grace.

- Oh, yes, yes, ah, yes.

One, burn down the store, take the insurance,

and start up somewhere else.

(audience laughing)

- Mr. Grace!

- Well, it worked in 1928.

Two, get the mafia to rub out the opposition.

(audience laughing)

I got that one from Kojak.

Three, hijack Mrs. Willis, lock her in the safe,

and throw away the combination.

- Hawaii Five-0.

- Four, photograph my secretary in bed with Mr. Willet.

- Oh, they did that in Columbo.

- Five, the ultimate weapon, photograph Mr. Humphreys

in bed with Mr. Willet.

(audience laughing)

- Is there a program I've missed?

(audience laughing)

- Now, I have advised Mr. Grace that these

are rather extreme measures.

But he got carried away by reading

Howard Hughes' life story.

- I've never heard anything so outrageous in my life.

- Uh, why don't you do something simple,

like put a ringer in.

- How do you mean, Mr. Harman.

- Well, you know, like with the horses.

I mean, if one ain't gonna run, they substitute it

with another.

You see, you've got four shareholders missing,

so impersonate 'em.

- You've got a criminal mind, you have.

- No, I ain't got a criminal mind.

I mean, they've already voted.

They just can't get here.

- It does sound more feasible than the other plans, sir.

- I see, well, well, get on, then, about it.

- Well, hands up all those who are willing to have a go?

- I think I speak for everybody present

when I say that we want nothing to do with it.

- And I am unanimous in that, as well.

- There's a hundred pounds in it for anybody who takes part.

(audience laughing)

(cash register drawer sliding and bell chiming)

Now, before I start, I want to emphasize

that what I'm about to say is absolutely top secret.

- After he's done it do you think he's going

to self-destruct in a puff of smoke?

- Now, we have obtained some background material

on the absent shareholders.

Now, the object is, to choose which shareholders

we can best impersonate.

- For which, we get 100 quid.

- If chosen.

Have any of you ever done any impersonations before?

- Mr. Humphreys has, but the case was dismissed

for lack of evidence.

(audience laughing)

- I can do Winston Churchill.

- He wasn't a shareholder.

- I was once mistaken for a film star.

- Male or female?

- Well, I was wearing my hair down,

and from the back, I looked just like Veronica Lake.

- From the front, Windermere Lake.

(audience laughing)

- Mr. Lucas.

- Which is one of the world's great beauty spots,

Mrs. Slocombe.

- Now, then, let's see what we have, now.

There's Jeffrey Longman.

He is 28, broad-shouldered, six foot two,

blonde hair, blue eyes, wealthy yacht owner.

- I like the sound of that.

- You're not tall enough.

- I know, I just like the sound of it.

(audience laughing)

- And, ah, Andrew McNann, from Aberdeen,

45, landowner, ex-captain Scots Guards,

mustache, dark hair.

- "Scots, wha hae wi Wallace bled

"Scots, wham Bruce has aften led

"Welcome tae yer gory bed,

"Or tae victorie."

(employees clapping)

- Ah, he has one ear missing.

(audience laughing)

Not for a hundred poonds, pounds.

(audience laughing)

- Ah, oh, Sir Richard Ryan, 65, five foot six,

landowner, Somerset.

- Oh, you could do that, Mr. Granger.

- Somerset?

Oh, yeah, oh, aye, yeah, way, yeah.

- Educated at Eton.

- Oh, yes, ha, ha, ha, right, ha, ha, ha.

- We'll let you know.

- I think that's very good.

Unfortunately he has rather a lot of hair.

- We'll fix him up with something from the wig boutique.

- Right.

Mr. Granger, you are Sir Richard.

- Oh, ah, well, jolly good so, ha, ha, ha.

- Alright, calm down, you've got the part.

- Now, oh, this chap's quite a large shareholder.

Professional dancer.

- Oh, Mr. Humphreys does a bit of dancing,

don't you, Mr. Humphreys?

- Oh, yes.

The word versatile has been applied to me before.

(audience laughing)

(tapping)

- I must stop you, I must stop you.

He only has one leg.

(audience laughing)

And he is from Nigeria.

Could you play a one-legged Nigerian tap dancer?

(audience laughing)

- Not with any degree of sincerity.

(audience laughing)

- What 'bout us women, don't we have any shares?

- Well, there is the Stableforth family.

Lady Stableforth is described as forty-ish,

stout-ish, not very tall-ish, played hockey for Roedean.

- Well, I've done hockey.

- Her daughter, Lavinia, has an equal number of shares.

She's 26, jet-setting play girl, known to her friends

as Bucky.

- Dare one ask why?

(audience laughing)

- Well, to judge from the photograph,

it's because she has prominent buck teeth.

- Well, we sell those in the joke department.

- I'm not wearing joke teeth.

- That's not the problem, Miss Brahams.

The point is, are you young enough to pass off

as my daughter?

(audience laughing)

- One doesn't wish to bring class into this,

but Miss Brahams has got a very definite

Cockney accent, which, in itself is most charming,

but could she pass herself off as a lady of quality?

- My background might be ever so humble,

but I can talk just as hoity toity as what you can,

when required so to do.

'Specially for an hundred nicker.

(audience laughing)

- And whom is going to simulate my husband?

- Well.

(audience laughing)

Lord Stableforth is about 55, a self-made man

from the East End of London.

Salvage merchant.

He made a life peer for his services

to the scrap medal industry in the vicinity

of 10 Downing Street.

- Cor' blimey, governor, you're a toff.

I've got big ones, small ones,

some as big as your head.

Give 'em a twist, flick of the wrist, and--

- Yes, yes, that'll be all.

(audience laughing)

Thank you, Captain Peacock.

- I hate to bring class into this,

but you wouldn't last five minutes in Dockland.

- Very few of us would.

(audience laughing)

- I'm afraid we still need a middle-aged Cockney

to play Mrs. Slocombe's husband.

- Here we are, then.

Rosy Lee for Mr. Rumbold.

I spilt a drop in the saucer, so mind you don't

get drops down your whistle.

- Perfect.

- Who's perfect?

- The height, the age, the voice.

Exactly what Mrs. Slocombe's looking for.

- What, him?

Oh, no, I'd never marry him.

I'd rather have Captain Peacock,

even if he isn't good at it.

(audience laughing)

- Well, I could improve my performance

if Miss Brahams gave me some lessons.

(audience laughing)

- Oh, no, it's something you have to pick up with your ear.

- You've lost me completely.

(audience laughing)

- It's really quite simple, let me explain.

Now, what I'm about to tell you is absolutely top secret.

(cash register drawer sliding and bell chiming)

- I'm sorry I'm taking so long.

- Take as long as you like, my dear.

- Keep your chin up.

- It's not easy.

(phone ringing)

- Shall I answer it?

- Yes, yes, do, I could do with a break.

(audience laughing)

Give my pacemaker a chance to keep up with me emotions.

(audience laughing)

- That is bad news, I'll tell him right away.

Oh, it's the chef and the waiter, sir.

They were doing the lunch at the Brighton branch,

and their van's broken down.

- Oh dear, well, you'd better get me Mr. Rumbold.

Yes, and can you cook?

- Well, no sir.

- What can you do?

- Well-- - Now, now just...

(audience laughing)

- Oh, Mr. Grace!

(audience laughing)

- Oh, yes, Mr. Grace, I'll get onto it right away.

Yes, sir.

That's one chef, and two waiters.

Well, sir, the store's just closing,

I don't know who I'm going to find at this time of night.

But, you can rely on me, sir.

Somebody will be there.

(people yelling)

- Well, don't blame me, Captain Peacock!

(audience laughing)

This suit's even too small for me, you'd look

ridiculous in it, wouldn't you?

- It is quite absurd that you should be

the head waiter, while I have to be a commy.

I mean, I have the dignity, the bearing, the personality.

- But you can't get into the suit.

- It just looks stupid.

- Well, I don't see why.

I mean, in the best restaurants, you often see

elderly men in a servile position.

Left at life's starting gate.

While the young ones with the ambition and the drive

get to the top.

And your pinny's crooked.

(loud yelling)

Sounds like the chef.

(audience laughing)

What's happened, Fanny Cradock?

- I have just seen this menu, and it's absolutely

impossible for me to do in the time allotted to me.

- Look, man, these have been specially printed

for the occasion.

- Yes, well in that case, get the people

that's printed the menus to cook the meal.

Listen to this.

Bisque de homard, or gazpacho, or smoked eel.

And that's just for starters.

- Well, smoked eel isn't difficult.

- Oh, isn't it?

It is when it's been in the deep freeze, look at it!

(audience laughing)

Get a blow lamp to that, it'll be ready for Christmas.

And that's not all.

Sole Veronique followed by duck l'orange,

Followed by boeuf e croute, followed by syllabubs

or zabaglione, followed by my resignation,

because I'm not doing none of it.

(audience laughing)

- Mr. Humphreys, it is too late to get another cook now,

and the whole future of Grace Brothers is at stake.

- I'm sure you can do something.

I mean we're all in this together.

You don't think I enjoy being dressed like this, do you?

- Oh, I should think not indeed, and your pinny's crooked.

- I keep telling you about that, Stephen.

- In spite of our assumed positions, Mr. Lucas,

I will not have you addressing me in the familiar fashion.

- Don't worry.

I won't be familiar with you anymore, sir.

In fact, when we get into the other room, in there,

I won't even address you at all.

I shall just go... (snaps fingers)

(audience laughing)

And you'll jump to it like you've never jumped before.

- I think we must be very careful, Mr. Lucas.

If we do save the firm, some of our lives

are not going to be worth living.

- My life's not worth living, now.

Me trousers are too tight, and me potatoes are boiling over.

(audience laughing)

If I can't find a tin opener, it's going to be

a nail and a hammer and two holes in a can

of vegetable soup, with straws

for everybody to suck it up with.

(audience laughing)

- Oh, we'd better see if everything's ready

in the director's dining room.

- There you are, that's done it.

It's much easier from the back.

- Excuse me, these are the waiters, sir.

- Well, it was very short notice, I mean.

- Somebody will have to announce the guests.

- I'll do that with pleasure, sir.

- Oh, no you can't do that.

I'm the head waiter round here.

We can't have a common commy introducing the guests

with a crooked pinny.

- Yeah, straighten your pinny.

And your trousers are too short.

- If I lower them to the correct length, sir,

it might lead to complaints of a rather

more serious nature.

(audience laughing)

- Don't worry, they'll ride down with wear.

(audience laughing)

- The guests are on their way up now, sir.

- Alright, get ready everybody.

- Yes, alright, I'll be over there, by the door.

Stephen, (snaps fingers) the sherry.

- One more insult from that man,

and these clothes are coming off.

- Don't start distracting me now, I'm very busy.

(audience laughing)

(whisk clanking)

- There are three empty sherry glasses.

- Yes, one's in the trifle, and two are in me.

(audience laughing)

- My lords, ladies, and g--

(audience laughing)

My lords, ladies, and gentlemen, Mr. Henry Grant Hopkins.

- Oh, oh, hey.

- Your name, madam?

- Lady Weebleablesmith.

- Pardon? - Lady Weebleablesmith.

- Lady... (mumbles)

(audience laughing)

- Your name, sir?

- I beg your pardon.

- The name, so I can introduce you.

- The name is Granger.

- The name of the person you're supposed

to be impersonating, you berk.

- Oh, aha, ha, ha, ha.

(audience laughing)

Sir Richard Ryan.

- Sir Richard Ryan.

- Here, yes.

Ah, yah, ha.

- Good evening, Sir Richard.

- Ha, yah.

This is Lady Weebleablesmith.

- Ah, ha, yah.

- Oh, you'll have a lot in common

with Henry Grant Hopkins, here.

You both went to Eton.

(men laughing)

- Sir Richard, Sir Richard, you don't have a glass.

Stephen!

- Lord and Lady Stableforth.

(audience laughing)

- We got your message and we came from Monte Carlo

before you could say nafe.

I don't think you know Lord Stableforth, my hubby.

- Aye, count on it.

- Is your daughter not with you?

- Oh, you mean our Lavinia?

- She's just tarting herself up in the powder room.

- The honorable Lavinia Stableforth.

- Well, hello.

(audience laughing)

- Did you go to Monte Carlo, as well?

- Oh, but of course.

Do you know, I won around about 5,000 pounds.

(audience laughing)

- Mr. Humphreys!

- Don't talk to me!

(audience laughing)

- What happened to your hat?

- I put the reckoner on number nine.

I bent down to light the pilot light, and poof.

(audience laughing)

I was lucky to get away with my life.

- They're not ready for the soup,

they've only just started the sherry.

- Well, go and tell them that dinner's ready.

- They've just started their sherry!

- I have been slaving over that hot stove

for an hour, now.

I am not having my dinner ruined

by a lot of drunken men.

Now, you finish off this soup. (dishes clattering)

(loud bangs)

(audience laughing)

Dinner is served!

(audience laughing)

(soft snaps)

- Boy, jump to it!

(audience laughing)

- Right, get this soup into the plates

and down their throats.

My prawn souffle's ahead of itself,

in two minutes, it'll be ready.

(loud bang and Peacock yelling)

- She's that brainy, is our lovey.

(audience laughing)

She passed out of Roedean with flying colors,

I can tell you.

- Oh, yeah, me and the old dutch

was dead proud of her, weren't we, darling, eh?

- Get off.

- Bit toffee-nosed, now, but she's like a wild animal

when she's roused.

- If your daddy does that again, I shall have to give him

a belt round the mouth.

- Do be careful, waiter, you've spilt some.

- Oh, I'm terribly sorry, I'm very, I'm very...

I'm terribly sorry.

(audience laughing)

- Mr. Humphreys, what on earth are you doing?

- My souffle's got out of control!

(audience laughing)

Get those soup plates!

- They've only just started their soup!

- It doesn't matter!

We shall be swept out of here on a tidal wave of souffle!

(lines drowned out by audience laughing)

- Boy, the door!

(Lucas yelling)

(audience laughing)

- By jove, them from below stairs is jolly nifty.

I haven't even finished my brine Windsor.

- I can't hold it, I can't hold it.

- It's not spoiled, is it?

- Of course it's spoiled!

(bell ringing)

- Oh, me Yorkshires!

(audience laughing)

I can't go on, I can't go on!

- What do we do now?

- Give 'em the soup back.

(audience laughing)

- I think we better tell them that dinner is late,

and they should start the speeches.

- Right, you go and tell 'em.

- You're the head waiter.

- Ah.

(cash register drawer sliding and bell chiming)

- And in conclusion, ladies and gentlemen,

I would like to draw your attention

to the difference between myself and all the other speakers.

I am a self-made man, and I got where I got

through hard graft, as like did Mr. Grace, here.

- He's been on for 10 minutes.

- If he doesn't hurry up, my bonne surprise is doomed.

- Go with his spirit, I say.

Stay with age and experience, and keep Mr. Grace, here,

head of this great company, and tell Lalley and Willet,

to go and take a running jump, themselves.

- [Guests] Hear, hear.

- Let us keep this spirit, this spirit

what he has got, here, what was the spirit

of Drake, and Raleigh, and it made England

the great place it was, as it will be, again.

Are you with me, brothers?

(guests murmuring assent)

And we will not be taken over, will we?

- [Guests] No, no indeed.

- Right, well, there you are then, that's it.

- Well done, well done, Mister...

What's his name?

- Lord Stableforth.

- Well, well done.

- Yeah, well, I would like to put one further thing

to the vote, and that is, I move

that young Mr. Grace here takes us out

for a decent nosh at the best restaurant in the town.

(guests murmuring asset)

- Would you believe it, they're all going out to dinner.

- Oh, that's typical of men.

The minute the dinner's ready, they want to go

on somewhere else. (crying)

(audience laughing)

- Go and ask 'em if we're invited.

- You're the head waiter.

- You're the shop steward.

- So I said to our audit number 10,

I don't want the others to think that just

because I've seen you right with the dustbins,

that I'm going to get a peerage.

- Excuse me, sir.

I hope that your invitation extends

to those who've worked so hard for you behind the scenes?

- Yes, of course Stephen.

- Thank you, you're very kind, your lordship.

- Yes, well all I've got to do is put a phone call in,

and they'll let you eat with the staff, in the kitchens.

- I'm not eating in the kitchen.

- They won't even let you in unless you straighten

your pinny.

(cash register drawer sliding and bell chiming)

(jazzy instrumental music)

♫ First floor, telephones

♫ Gent's ready-made suits

♫ Shirts, socks, ties, hats

♫ Underwear and shoes, going up

(cash register drawer sliding and bell chiming)

(jazzy instrumental music)

♫ Second floor, carpets

♫ Travel goods and bedding

♫ Material, soft furnishings

♫ Restaurant and teas, going up

(cash register drawer sliding and bell chiming)

(jazzy instrumental music)

(audience applause)