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1
00:00:03,000 --> 00:00:06,000
2
00:00:35,030 --> 00:00:36,429
Stan!
3
00:00:36,464 --> 00:00:39,765
You got to clean this goddamn patio!
4
00:00:39,800 --> 00:00:44,003
A lovely day
5
00:00:44,038 --> 00:00:46,204
Stan, I need you to
sign this permission slip
6
00:00:46,240 --> 00:00:47,973
- for a school trip.
- Well, I'm a little busy
7
00:00:48,009 --> 00:00:50,042
getting 20 years of crap off the patio.
8
00:00:50,077 --> 00:00:52,177
Is Brett Ratner's career on the patio?
9
00:00:52,212 --> 00:00:53,912
Oh-ho-ho! Burn!
10
00:00:53,948 --> 00:00:56,048
Tell you what... You
sign my permission slip,
11
00:00:56,083 --> 00:00:58,082
and I'll loan you my power washer.
12
00:00:58,118 --> 00:00:59,984
You think it's strong
enough to do the job?
13
00:01:00,020 --> 00:01:02,353
Let's just say the Statue of Liberty
14
00:01:02,388 --> 00:01:03,988
uses it to shower...
15
00:01:04,024 --> 00:01:06,157
which she doesn't do
often, 'cause she's French.
16
00:01:06,192 --> 00:01:08,192
B-B-B-B-Burn!
17
00:01:08,227 --> 00:01:09,460
You know that's paint thinner.
18
00:01:09,495 --> 00:01:12,163
Yeah, nice try. I'm not going anywhere.
19
00:01:16,234 --> 00:01:19,002
I souped it up with a little alien tech.
20
00:01:19,038 --> 00:01:21,171
By alien, I mean Detroit.
21
00:01:21,206 --> 00:01:23,239
Let's turn this country around.
22
00:01:23,275 --> 00:01:25,876
Let's make things again.
23
00:01:25,911 --> 00:01:27,477
(engine starts)
24
00:01:27,512 --> 00:01:29,512
- (rumbling)
- Whoa!
25
00:01:29,548 --> 00:01:31,881
Whoa! Roger!
26
00:01:31,916 --> 00:01:33,849
(screaming)
27
00:01:33,885 --> 00:01:36,052
- Nice, huh?
- No, shut it off!
28
00:01:39,557 --> 00:01:42,091
- (engine shuts off)
- Damn it, Roger!
29
00:01:42,126 --> 00:01:45,161
Not used to holding a tool with
that kind of power, Stan?
30
00:01:45,196 --> 00:01:46,328
(laughs) I'm kidding.
31
00:01:46,363 --> 00:01:47,729
I've seen yours while you were sleeping.
32
00:01:47,764 --> 00:01:49,064
It's great.
33
00:01:49,099 --> 00:01:50,665
- Oh...
- Oh...
34
00:01:50,701 --> 00:01:51,933
- my...
- my...
35
00:01:51,968 --> 00:01:53,334
- God.
- God.
36
00:01:53,369 --> 00:01:56,104
Jinx! Now you can't talk till
I say your name, Stan.
37
00:01:56,139 --> 00:01:57,438
Ah, damn it!
38
00:01:57,473 --> 00:02:00,241
39
00:02:00,276 --> 00:02:02,643
Good morning, U.S.A.
40
00:02:02,679 --> 00:02:06,413
I got a feelin' that it's
gonna be a wonderful day
41
00:02:06,448 --> 00:02:09,683
The sun in the sky has
a smile on his face
42
00:02:09,719 --> 00:02:13,921
And he's shinin' a
salute to the American race
43
00:02:15,858 --> 00:02:19,059
Oh, boy, it's swell to say
44
00:02:19,095 --> 00:02:21,328
-
Good...
-
Good morning, U.S.A.
45
00:02:21,363 --> 00:02:22,695
Aah!
46
00:02:22,888 --> 00:02:27,239
- Synced and corrected by VitoSilans -
-- www.Addic7ed.com --
47
00:02:27,368 --> 00:02:29,969
48
00:02:30,004 --> 00:02:31,637
What the hell is that?
49
00:02:31,672 --> 00:02:32,972
What's going on?!
50
00:02:33,007 --> 00:02:35,274
You burning some punk-ass fools?
51
00:02:35,309 --> 00:02:37,944
Do Hayley next. The yard!
52
00:02:37,979 --> 00:02:39,477
(stammering)
53
00:02:39,512 --> 00:02:41,913
Stan was cleaning the
patio with my power washer,
54
00:02:41,949 --> 00:02:43,481
and it kind of got away from him.
55
00:02:43,516 --> 00:02:45,951
Because it has a Trans
Am engine strapped to it.
56
00:02:45,986 --> 00:02:47,252
You used to be stronger.
57
00:02:47,287 --> 00:02:48,954
But, look. Stan struck something.
58
00:02:48,989 --> 00:02:50,388
White, dusty oil?
59
00:02:50,423 --> 00:02:51,456
Lawn dandruff?
60
00:02:51,491 --> 00:02:53,158
A third ridiculous guess?
61
00:02:53,193 --> 00:02:56,260
I think I know what this is.
62
00:03:01,367 --> 00:03:02,699
Yep, that's salt.
63
00:03:02,735 --> 00:03:04,268
It's a salt deposit.
64
00:03:04,303 --> 00:03:05,636
Oh, my God!
65
00:03:05,671 --> 00:03:07,138
Did you guys think it was cocaine?
66
00:03:07,173 --> 00:03:09,940
Cocaine doesn't grow underground,
dumb-asses.
67
00:03:09,976 --> 00:03:12,143
You got to make that
shit, with blood and sweat.
68
00:03:12,178 --> 00:03:13,910
And a little bit of salt.
69
00:03:13,945 --> 00:03:16,279
You got to cut it with
salt to hit your margins.
70
00:03:16,314 --> 00:03:18,648
So I guess we have 1% of cocaine here.
71
00:03:18,683 --> 00:03:20,383
And a big mess to clean up.
72
00:03:20,418 --> 00:03:22,085
This isn't a mess.
73
00:03:22,120 --> 00:03:23,653
This could be our future.
74
00:03:23,688 --> 00:03:26,122
Is salt valuable?
75
00:03:26,158 --> 00:03:29,525
I don't know.
76
00:03:32,761 --> 00:03:34,227
No way.
77
00:03:34,263 --> 00:03:36,529
Wendy Williams could
totally beat up Connie Chung.
78
00:03:36,565 --> 00:03:38,298
Sure, sure, but, I
mean, no one was talking
79
00:03:38,333 --> 00:03:40,099
about either of those
people before you said that.
80
00:03:40,135 --> 00:03:42,869
- (door closes)
- I spoke to the Gordon Salt people,
81
00:03:42,904 --> 00:03:45,103
and they said we might have a
valuable resource in our yard.
82
00:03:45,139 --> 00:03:48,274
And if we do, they'd like to
pay us for the right to take it.
83
00:03:48,309 --> 00:03:49,708
You mean mine it, like minerals?
84
00:03:49,744 --> 00:03:52,278
Ha. If you want to talk
like a ground scientist.
85
00:03:52,313 --> 00:03:53,445
- A geologist?
- What?
86
00:03:53,481 --> 00:03:54,946
Wait, honey.
87
00:03:54,982 --> 00:03:58,049
You want a functioning
salt mine in our backyard?
88
00:03:58,085 --> 00:04:00,719
Well, I sure as heck don't
want a non-functioning one.
89
00:04:00,755 --> 00:04:02,687
Stan, it's our yard.
90
00:04:02,722 --> 00:04:04,054
Our sanctuary.
91
00:04:04,090 --> 00:04:05,089
Our happy place.
92
00:04:05,124 --> 00:04:06,957
We used to have treasure hunts
93
00:04:06,993 --> 00:04:09,393
where you'd write clues for
me and hide them around the yard.
94
00:04:09,396 --> 00:04:10,961
I know we're a family,
95
00:04:10,997 --> 00:04:12,530
so we usually
pretend everyone gets a vote.
96
00:04:12,565 --> 00:04:15,266
But, come on, guys. It's me.
97
00:04:15,302 --> 00:04:16,942
- I'm gonna do what I want.
- (doorbell rings)
98
00:04:16,969 --> 00:04:19,235
And I want to see who that is.
99
00:04:21,006 --> 00:04:22,972
Mr. Smith, we're with Gordon Salt.
100
00:04:23,008 --> 00:04:24,708
Wow. You got here quick.
101
00:04:24,743 --> 00:04:29,145
There was a police chase on
95, so we just drafted off that.
102
00:04:36,153 --> 00:04:37,753
Good news, Mr. Smith...
103
00:04:37,789 --> 00:04:40,756
A big shaft here would tap into
a significant vein of salt.
104
00:04:40,792 --> 00:04:42,191
Hear that?
105
00:04:42,226 --> 00:04:44,360
I'm gonna have a big veiny shaft.
106
00:04:44,395 --> 00:04:46,696
Are they salt executives or genies?
107
00:04:46,731 --> 00:04:48,497
(laughing) Oh!
108
00:04:48,533 --> 00:04:50,700
KLAUS: Did I miss a burn?
109
00:04:50,735 --> 00:04:52,267
Please, excuse my family.
110
00:04:52,303 --> 00:04:53,601
They have some concerns
111
00:04:53,637 --> 00:04:55,437
about what exactly is
going to happen here.
112
00:04:55,472 --> 00:04:58,306
(chuckles) Let me put you folks at ease.
113
00:04:58,342 --> 00:05:01,275
Mr. Smith here will sign his
mineral rights over to us,
114
00:05:01,311 --> 00:05:03,244
and we'll give him a big check.
115
00:05:03,279 --> 00:05:05,380
Then we'll tear up your
yard, take all the salt out,
116
00:05:05,415 --> 00:05:07,215
and fill in the hole when we're done...
117
00:05:07,250 --> 00:05:08,282
if there's time...
118
00:05:08,318 --> 00:05:09,916
which there won't be.
119
00:05:09,952 --> 00:05:12,619
As long as there's time
to write that big check.
120
00:05:12,655 --> 00:05:14,421
Mom, why are you switching sides?
121
00:05:14,457 --> 00:05:17,958
Because now there's a side
that has a big check on it.
122
00:05:17,993 --> 00:05:21,695
And just to be clear, you
mean a physically huge check?
123
00:05:21,731 --> 00:05:23,997
I've always wanted to hold one of those.
124
00:05:24,032 --> 00:05:26,266
Feel like I won a golf tournament
125
00:05:26,301 --> 00:05:29,335
or I'm a landlord and
one of my tenants is a giant.
126
00:05:29,371 --> 00:05:31,437
If you're looking to
buy our mineral rights,
127
00:05:31,473 --> 00:05:36,175
you best be talking to
me... Steve, the legal owner.
128
00:05:36,210 --> 00:05:38,944
- (all gasp)
- I also have big news.
129
00:05:38,980 --> 00:05:41,714
One of these guys stepped
in dog turd on the way in.
130
00:05:41,750 --> 00:05:45,250
There's size-9 poo
spots all over the house.
131
00:05:48,003 --> 00:05:50,889
Here's where I keep all
my important documents...
132
00:05:50,925 --> 00:05:52,625
Big Wheel warranty,
133
00:05:52,660 --> 00:05:56,294
construction schematics for
my Lego Millennium Falcon,
134
00:05:56,330 --> 00:05:58,429
Barry's do-not-resuscitate order.
135
00:05:58,464 --> 00:06:00,431
Ah! This!
136
00:06:00,466 --> 00:06:03,434
Um, can you get your
shoes off my duvet, please?
137
00:06:04,638 --> 00:06:07,438
This is a contract, signed
eight years ago,
138
00:06:07,473 --> 00:06:10,742
transferring all mineral
rights on our property from Dad to me.
139
00:06:10,777 --> 00:06:12,443
How is that possible?
140
00:06:12,478 --> 00:06:14,444
Oh. I can explain.
141
00:06:14,479 --> 00:06:16,613
Uh-Uh! You think I
brought you to my room
142
00:06:16,649 --> 00:06:18,548
so you could do the talking?
143
00:06:18,583 --> 00:06:21,118
"Your scavenger hunt has come to an end.
144
00:06:21,153 --> 00:06:23,654
Your very last clue is on
the ladder, my schmend."
145
00:06:23,689 --> 00:06:25,255
"Schmend"?
146
00:06:25,290 --> 00:06:27,457
Wouldn't "friend" have
been the perfect rhyme?
147
00:06:27,492 --> 00:06:29,826
You have a lot to
learn about schmendship.
148
00:06:31,696 --> 00:06:34,463
(laughing) Ooh! Treasure!
149
00:06:34,498 --> 00:06:35,898
No, Steve, those aren't the treasure.
150
00:06:35,933 --> 00:06:37,499
They're just the clue holder-downers.
151
00:06:37,535 --> 00:06:38,668
But they're so shiny.
152
00:06:38,703 --> 00:06:40,136
So is Hayley's forehead,
153
00:06:40,171 --> 00:06:41,691
but you wouldn't call that a treasure.
154
00:06:45,476 --> 00:06:46,842
(sighing) Oh.
155
00:06:46,878 --> 00:06:49,277
"Down the slide and in the ground,
156
00:06:49,312 --> 00:06:51,946
your special
treasure you'll have found."
157
00:06:53,550 --> 00:06:54,549
Ha ha!
158
00:06:57,154 --> 00:06:58,653
Treasure!
159
00:06:58,689 --> 00:06:59,888
No, that's just more rocks.
160
00:06:59,923 --> 00:07:01,089
Oh, for God's sake.
161
00:07:01,124 --> 00:07:02,423
That's the treasure.
162
00:07:05,127 --> 00:07:07,427
Baseball cards.
163
00:07:07,462 --> 00:07:08,929
(unenthusiastically) Thanks, Dad.
164
00:07:08,964 --> 00:07:10,497
Well, open 'em. Let's see who you got.
165
00:07:12,702 --> 00:07:14,668
Must be some kind of mistake.
166
00:07:14,704 --> 00:07:16,070
They're all the same card.
167
00:07:16,105 --> 00:07:17,337
No variety.
168
00:07:17,372 --> 00:07:19,506
Not like the rocks.
169
00:07:19,541 --> 00:07:22,141
Oh, my God!
170
00:07:22,177 --> 00:07:24,677
They're all Ken Griffey
Jr. Rookie cards.
171
00:07:24,713 --> 00:07:26,345
They must be worth a fortune.
172
00:07:26,380 --> 00:07:29,281
Francine, what have
you always wanted to buy?
173
00:07:29,317 --> 00:07:31,517
FRANCINE: We keep putting
off that procedure on my hip.
174
00:07:31,552 --> 00:07:33,686
Right! A fan boat!
175
00:07:33,722 --> 00:07:35,154
- Mwah!
- Um, Dad?
176
00:07:35,190 --> 00:07:36,689
Isn't that my treasure?
177
00:07:36,725 --> 00:07:38,524
Technically, yes.
178
00:07:38,559 --> 00:07:41,659
But wouldn't you rather have
all the rocks in the whole yard?
179
00:07:41,695 --> 00:07:43,161
That would be awesome!
180
00:07:43,197 --> 00:07:44,796
But how would I get them all out?
181
00:07:44,832 --> 00:07:47,165
You don't have to.
182
00:07:47,201 --> 00:07:50,301
You see, Steve, owning
land can be different
183
00:07:50,337 --> 00:07:53,205
than owning the
minerals inside that land.
184
00:07:53,240 --> 00:07:55,373
So now you have the mineral rights.
185
00:07:55,408 --> 00:07:57,541
And all I have are these
pieces of cardboard.
186
00:07:57,576 --> 00:07:59,676
Sucker!
187
00:07:59,712 --> 00:08:01,545
Okay, you're making me look bad, Steve.
188
00:08:01,580 --> 00:08:03,147
'Cause after you called me a sucker,
189
00:08:03,182 --> 00:08:04,715
I definitely threw you in the pool,
190
00:08:04,751 --> 00:08:05,911
'cause I don't take that shit.
191
00:08:05,918 --> 00:08:07,484
Nor should you.
192
00:08:07,519 --> 00:08:09,386
But we're really more concerned
with the contract.
193
00:08:09,421 --> 00:08:11,521
Please. That can't possibly
be legally binding.
194
00:08:11,557 --> 00:08:13,623
I thought you might say that...
195
00:08:13,658 --> 00:08:15,725
which is why I went down
to city hall this morning
196
00:08:15,761 --> 00:08:17,393
and got it stamped.
197
00:08:17,428 --> 00:08:19,796
Hmm. Yep, it's official.
198
00:08:19,831 --> 00:08:24,600
And if anyone knows what's "official,"
it's a fish, y'all!
199
00:08:31,041 --> 00:08:33,842
Look, we're here on
business, and you, young man,
200
00:08:33,878 --> 00:08:36,411
are the person we should
be doing business with.
201
00:08:36,446 --> 00:08:39,181
So there's still a big check.
202
00:08:39,216 --> 00:08:40,615
It's just for Steve...
203
00:08:40,651 --> 00:08:42,951
my favorite boy.
204
00:08:42,987 --> 00:08:44,419
Our favorite boy.
205
00:08:44,454 --> 00:08:45,921
Put 'Er there, son.
206
00:08:45,956 --> 00:08:47,755
- Psych!
- Whoo!
207
00:08:47,791 --> 00:08:49,924
No deal, mister.
208
00:08:49,959 --> 00:08:52,359
Eight years ago, my
dad tried to rip me off.
209
00:08:52,395 --> 00:08:54,395
Well, now I'm the one who's
gonna do the ripping...
210
00:08:54,397 --> 00:08:55,596
and the tearing.
211
00:08:55,631 --> 00:08:56,864
The ripping and the tearing,
212
00:08:56,900 --> 00:09:00,067
right through his plan
to destroy our backyard.
213
00:09:00,103 --> 00:09:02,403
- My backyard.
- My minerals.
214
00:09:02,438 --> 00:09:05,005
- Listen, Jeremy, is it?
- Steve.
215
00:09:05,040 --> 00:09:07,841
I respect the sexual
frustration behind your decision.
216
00:09:07,876 --> 00:09:09,676
What?! No, no. That's not why I...
217
00:09:09,711 --> 00:09:10,751
You're obviously a virgin.
218
00:09:10,779 --> 00:09:12,245
That has nothing to do with...
219
00:09:12,281 --> 00:09:13,613
But here's the thing, Jer-bear...
220
00:09:13,648 --> 00:09:17,650
Gordon always gets its salt.
221
00:09:25,893 --> 00:09:27,793
He's the virgin.
222
00:09:27,829 --> 00:09:29,195
Not even close!
223
00:09:29,230 --> 00:09:30,963
I've had sex with lots of girls.
224
00:09:30,998 --> 00:09:32,631
Name one.
225
00:09:36,871 --> 00:09:39,237
(school bell rings)
226
00:09:39,272 --> 00:09:41,505
- Hi.
- Hey.
227
00:09:41,541 --> 00:09:43,808
- What's that?
- It's a Lego Millennium Falcon...
228
00:09:43,844 --> 00:09:46,677
minus a floor panel, which I'm (Sighs)
229
00:09:46,713 --> 00:09:48,847
praying fell behind my trundle bed.
230
00:09:48,882 --> 00:09:50,982
'Cause without it, Han
and Chewie are screwed
231
00:09:51,017 --> 00:09:52,683
when they need to
hide from Imperial troops.
232
00:09:52,719 --> 00:09:53,852
They'd just be sitting
233
00:09:53,887 --> 00:09:56,653
in a wide-open smuggler's
hatch like idiots.
234
00:09:56,688 --> 00:09:59,823
- You're fun and interesting.
- I am?!
235
00:09:59,859 --> 00:10:00,991
Want to go out some time?
236
00:10:01,026 --> 00:10:02,326
Um, sure!
237
00:10:02,361 --> 00:10:03,793
I'm Steve. What's your name?
238
00:10:03,829 --> 00:10:04,995
Whatever you want it to be.
239
00:10:05,030 --> 00:10:06,830
Franci... Hold on.
240
00:10:06,866 --> 00:10:08,866
This is all going too easily.
241
00:10:08,901 --> 00:10:11,168
Wait. You look familiar.
242
00:10:11,203 --> 00:10:15,171
Yellow raincoat, box of
salt leaking on your shoes...
243
00:10:15,206 --> 00:10:16,873
blue umbrella! (gasps)
244
00:10:16,908 --> 00:10:18,474
You're the Gordon Salt Girl!
245
00:10:18,509 --> 00:10:19,842
MAN: And she can be yours.
246
00:10:19,878 --> 00:10:22,345
All you have to do is sign
over the mineral rights.
247
00:10:22,380 --> 00:10:24,347
I already told you... No.
248
00:10:24,382 --> 00:10:28,584
Seriously. She'll do
anything you want, or...
249
00:10:28,619 --> 00:10:30,752
I'll do anything you want?
250
00:10:30,787 --> 00:10:32,320
Stop.
251
00:10:32,356 --> 00:10:34,389
You two may be dead inside, but I'm not.
252
00:10:34,424 --> 00:10:36,724
I'm alive... with family memories
253
00:10:36,760 --> 00:10:39,694
of barbecues and trying sports
254
00:10:39,729 --> 00:10:41,997
and sweet, lazy Sunday afternoons.
255
00:10:42,032 --> 00:10:43,531
Mr. Smith!
256
00:10:43,566 --> 00:10:44,799
Sorry. It's just these people are...
257
00:10:44,834 --> 00:10:47,734
Are you playing with Legos in my class?
258
00:10:47,770 --> 00:10:49,970
I'm doing a build, if
that's what you're asking.
259
00:10:50,006 --> 00:10:51,372
It's distracting.
260
00:10:51,407 --> 00:10:53,874
So are the two adult
strangers in your class.
261
00:10:53,910 --> 00:10:55,309
Nice try, Steve.
262
00:10:55,344 --> 00:10:57,411
But us adults stick together.
263
00:10:59,382 --> 00:11:01,715
(somber music plays)
264
00:11:01,750 --> 00:11:03,682
- (door closes)
- Long day.
265
00:11:03,718 --> 00:11:04,750
(sighs) Yeah.
266
00:11:04,786 --> 00:11:06,585
The Gordon people were all over...
267
00:11:06,621 --> 00:11:08,054
No, I mean I had a long day.
268
00:11:08,089 --> 00:11:09,822
I got hurt on our field trip.
269
00:11:09,857 --> 00:11:11,891
We went to Mount
Vernon, so as you'd expect,
270
00:11:11,927 --> 00:11:14,693
I got my arm busted by
a bunch of Hells Angels.
271
00:11:14,729 --> 00:11:16,595
- Sign my cast?
- Sure.
272
00:11:16,631 --> 00:11:17,964
No, no. Not there, not there.
273
00:11:17,999 --> 00:11:19,598
Right there.
274
00:11:19,634 --> 00:11:21,533
Got to leave room for Zachary and Ella.
275
00:11:21,568 --> 00:11:23,135
I'm gonna have them
sign next to each other,
276
00:11:23,170 --> 00:11:24,803
'cause then when I break them up,
277
00:11:24,838 --> 00:11:26,604
Ella's gonna cry every
time she sees my cast,
278
00:11:26,640 --> 00:11:28,407
and I'm gonna love it,
279
00:11:28,442 --> 00:11:30,909
'cause she was such a bitch to
me at the lockers last week.
280
00:11:30,945 --> 00:11:34,413
- I know this is all made up.
- Some of it.
281
00:11:34,448 --> 00:11:36,448
FRANCINE: Roger, leave Steve alone.
282
00:11:36,483 --> 00:11:40,051
Thanks, Mom, but I already
have a chocolate milk martini.
283
00:11:40,086 --> 00:11:41,953
This is a real martini.
284
00:11:41,988 --> 00:11:43,787
It's okay. You're a man now.
285
00:11:43,823 --> 00:11:45,222
A man with mineral rights.
286
00:11:45,258 --> 00:11:46,557
Get drunk!
287
00:11:46,592 --> 00:11:48,259
Then decide what to do with them.
288
00:11:48,294 --> 00:11:49,860
I can't believe it!
289
00:11:49,895 --> 00:11:51,695
You want me to sell
out to the salt people!
290
00:11:51,730 --> 00:11:54,364
No! I want you to get drunk.
291
00:11:54,399 --> 00:11:56,766
I believe that once you get drunk,
292
00:11:56,801 --> 00:11:58,201
you'll sell out to the salt people.
293
00:11:58,236 --> 00:12:00,536
But what about our family memories?
294
00:12:00,572 --> 00:12:03,873
We'll buy new
memories... with all that salt money.
295
00:12:03,908 --> 00:12:07,444
And we don't have to share
it with your dad.
296
00:12:07,479 --> 00:12:10,880
In fact, we can give
him this poison martini.
297
00:12:10,915 --> 00:12:12,214
Piss off, Francine.
298
00:12:12,249 --> 00:12:13,949
I've got too much to live for,
299
00:12:13,985 --> 00:12:16,818
knowing I still have my Ken
Griffey Jr. rookie cards.
300
00:12:16,854 --> 00:12:18,153
ROGER: Um, actually, you don't.
301
00:12:18,189 --> 00:12:20,222
I put them in the
spokes of my bike last year.
302
00:12:20,257 --> 00:12:21,957
But they were locked away in my safe.
303
00:12:21,993 --> 00:12:24,026
Stan, honey, I hate
to break this to you,
304
00:12:24,061 --> 00:12:25,627
but I am your safe.
305
00:12:25,662 --> 00:12:27,096
- It's one of my personas.
- What?!
306
00:12:27,131 --> 00:12:29,163
I'm also the downstairs toilet.
307
00:12:29,199 --> 00:12:30,598
My cards!
308
00:12:30,633 --> 00:12:31,932
Made me feel boss
309
00:12:31,968 --> 00:12:34,102
when I was riding
down the street, flossin'!
310
00:12:34,137 --> 00:12:35,203
You ruined them.
311
00:12:35,238 --> 00:12:37,372
Those were my cards! Mine!
312
00:12:37,407 --> 00:12:39,807
I hate this place!
313
00:12:39,842 --> 00:12:41,876
(wheels clicking)
314
00:12:45,481 --> 00:12:48,715
So, we've had some difficulty
getting your son to play ball.
315
00:12:48,750 --> 00:12:50,517
That's because he
can't play ball very well,
316
00:12:50,552 --> 00:12:51,985
so he gets self-conscious about it.
317
00:12:52,021 --> 00:12:54,187
You just need to start playing
like it's no big deal,
318
00:12:54,223 --> 00:12:55,489
and eventually, he'll join in.
319
00:12:55,524 --> 00:12:56,756
- Charles.
- (tires screech)
320
00:12:58,394 --> 00:12:59,859
You're a big meanie.
321
00:12:59,895 --> 00:13:02,628
My God, are you the man of
your house, or aren't you?
322
00:13:02,663 --> 00:13:05,197
Because a man wouldn't
let a boy's contract
323
00:13:05,233 --> 00:13:06,932
stop him from making this deal.
324
00:13:06,967 --> 00:13:08,267
But it's signed.
325
00:13:08,302 --> 00:13:09,668
And stamped.
326
00:13:09,703 --> 00:13:11,970
- You heard the fish.
- (sighing) Oh.
327
00:13:12,006 --> 00:13:15,408
I didn't want to come
to this. I really didn't.
328
00:13:17,478 --> 00:13:21,112
- (thunder crashes)
- What the hell is that?!
329
00:13:21,148 --> 00:13:24,015
This, Mr. Smith, is the
original Gordon Salt Girl,
330
00:13:24,051 --> 00:13:25,683
preserved by salt...
331
00:13:25,718 --> 00:13:28,719
and angered by delays.
332
00:13:29,923 --> 00:13:36,260
(echoing) Get me that salt!
333
00:13:40,466 --> 00:13:42,366
STEVE: What are you doing?!
334
00:13:43,569 --> 00:13:46,970
I believe the legal term is take-backs.
335
00:13:50,409 --> 00:13:53,543
Destroying a young
boy's signed contract...
336
00:13:53,578 --> 00:13:55,078
truly low, sir.
337
00:13:55,113 --> 00:13:57,813
And exactly the kind of
thing I knew you'd do...
338
00:13:57,848 --> 00:13:59,182
which is why...
339
00:13:59,217 --> 00:14:03,852
I moved the real contract
to Snot's for safekeeping.
340
00:14:03,888 --> 00:14:05,254
Well played, son.
341
00:14:05,290 --> 00:14:08,057
You anticipated my
move and had the foresight
342
00:14:08,093 --> 00:14:11,059
to stash the contract at
a secure off-site location.
343
00:14:11,095 --> 00:14:13,728
Which begs the question,
why did you bring it home?
344
00:14:13,763 --> 00:14:15,230
Well, I went to check on it,
345
00:14:15,265 --> 00:14:17,065
and contrary to what I'd been assured,
346
00:14:17,101 --> 00:14:19,901
Snot did not have a proper file cabinet.
347
00:14:19,936 --> 00:14:21,436
Where was it? Like, on
his desk or something?
348
00:14:21,472 --> 00:14:23,438
Yeah, with... Other
crap all over the place.
349
00:14:23,474 --> 00:14:25,173
Yes. And it's not like something
350
00:14:25,209 --> 00:14:27,008
was for sure going to happen to it.
351
00:14:27,043 --> 00:14:28,576
- It's just...
- There's a right way to do things.
352
00:14:28,611 --> 00:14:30,077
- Exactly.
- Totally get it.
353
00:14:31,481 --> 00:14:33,347
(grunts)
354
00:14:33,382 --> 00:14:35,015
Hey, Steve, did you know
355
00:14:35,050 --> 00:14:37,151
there's a Lego
piece behind your dresser?
356
00:14:37,186 --> 00:14:38,952
Looks like the door to
a smuggler's hatch.
357
00:14:38,988 --> 00:14:40,787
All right, Dad!
358
00:14:40,823 --> 00:14:44,024
As soon as this salt war is over,
I'll thank you properly!
359
00:14:51,271 --> 00:14:53,103
Dad's trying to destroy the contract
360
00:14:53,139 --> 00:14:54,605
so he can sell out to Gordon.
361
00:14:54,641 --> 00:14:56,340
- Uh-huh.
- You got to help me.
362
00:14:56,376 --> 00:14:58,208
- Do I?
- Of course you do.
363
00:14:58,244 --> 00:15:00,378
You don't want a salt mine in our yard.
364
00:15:00,413 --> 00:15:02,813
What about our
memories and the environment?
365
00:15:02,848 --> 00:15:05,182
Hmm. I do love those things.
366
00:15:05,217 --> 00:15:08,585
I also love the idea that if there's
a salt mine in the yard,
367
00:15:08,620 --> 00:15:10,496
I can protest it without
getting out of bed.
368
00:15:10,521 --> 00:15:12,021
Hayley, no!
369
00:15:12,056 --> 00:15:14,691
Basically, this is the
lazy protester's dream.
370
00:15:14,726 --> 00:15:17,894
So, why don't you
just give me the contract?
371
00:15:17,929 --> 00:15:19,228
(groans)
372
00:15:19,264 --> 00:15:21,130
(grunting)
373
00:15:23,535 --> 00:15:25,867
Ugh. Are you gonna
make me get out of bed?
374
00:15:31,642 --> 00:15:33,609
(sighs)
375
00:15:37,715 --> 00:15:39,080
Aah!
376
00:15:39,116 --> 00:15:41,283
Mama? Wh... What's with the nails?
377
00:15:41,318 --> 00:15:42,717
They're white...
378
00:15:42,752 --> 00:15:44,452
like salt, Steve.
379
00:15:44,487 --> 00:15:47,455
I came up with it when I realized salt
380
00:15:47,490 --> 00:15:50,325
is the only white thing in the world!
381
00:15:50,360 --> 00:15:52,327
Mom, that's not even close to true.
382
00:15:52,362 --> 00:15:54,962
Let's you and me make it true!
383
00:15:54,997 --> 00:15:57,398
STAN: Nowhere to run, son.
384
00:15:57,434 --> 00:15:58,998
Or walk.
385
00:15:59,034 --> 00:16:01,735
I think we can all do
this with just walking.
386
00:16:04,606 --> 00:16:06,340
- Come on, Steve.
- Let's go, Steve.
387
00:16:06,375 --> 00:16:07,407
Give it up, Steve.
388
00:16:07,443 --> 00:16:09,443
What am I doing?
389
00:16:09,478 --> 00:16:11,878
Why am I fighting for
our family memories
390
00:16:11,913 --> 00:16:13,880
if my family won't fight with me?
391
00:16:13,915 --> 00:16:16,482
I'm with you, Steve!
392
00:16:16,517 --> 00:16:18,250
I'm totally alone in this.
393
00:16:21,422 --> 00:16:23,656
You know what? You guys win.
394
00:16:23,691 --> 00:16:27,460
If our memories are
meaningless, then so is this piece of paper.
395
00:16:27,495 --> 00:16:29,161
I renounce it.
396
00:16:32,799 --> 00:16:35,299
"Down the slide and in the ground,
397
00:16:35,335 --> 00:16:38,336
your special
treasure you'll have found."
398
00:16:38,372 --> 00:16:40,171
I remember that slide.
399
00:16:40,206 --> 00:16:41,840
When I climbed to the top of it,
400
00:16:41,875 --> 00:16:44,175
it felt like I was
climbing into the sky.
401
00:16:44,210 --> 00:16:46,511
You had a big scary
slide like this, too?
402
00:16:46,546 --> 00:16:49,380
Not your slide, Steve. My slide.
403
00:16:49,415 --> 00:16:52,549
My dad wrote these clues
for me when I was a kid.
404
00:16:52,585 --> 00:16:55,386
He'd hide them all over the
yard, and I'd look for them.
405
00:16:55,421 --> 00:16:58,288
And when I was done, I'd
wake him up, if I could find him.
406
00:16:58,323 --> 00:17:00,758
Wait, you just recycled your dad's game?
407
00:17:00,793 --> 00:17:03,159
I haven't thought about that in years.
408
00:17:03,195 --> 00:17:05,629
- What a great memory.
- Not for me.
409
00:17:05,664 --> 00:17:08,330
It means all my treasure
hunts were just hand-me-downs.
410
00:17:08,366 --> 00:17:09,832
From my awesome father.
411
00:17:09,868 --> 00:17:11,768
What?! He abandoned you!
412
00:17:11,803 --> 00:17:13,269
That man's a sociopath!
413
00:17:13,304 --> 00:17:15,271
Quiet, Steve. I'm getting an idea.
414
00:17:15,306 --> 00:17:16,472
Is it that family memories
415
00:17:16,508 --> 00:17:18,107
are precious and should be protected?
416
00:17:18,142 --> 00:17:19,409
Uh, duh!
417
00:17:19,444 --> 00:17:20,976
But, also... try to follow me...
418
00:17:21,012 --> 00:17:24,212
maybe we shouldn't let the
Gordon people mine our yard.
419
00:17:24,247 --> 00:17:25,881
I've been saying that for a week!
420
00:17:25,916 --> 00:17:28,383
Hope on the bandwagon,
Steve. There's plenty of room.
421
00:17:28,419 --> 00:17:29,718
Now, I'm gonna call them and...
422
00:17:29,753 --> 00:17:31,052
(rumbling)
423
00:17:33,657 --> 00:17:36,157
Wait! We've changed our minds!
424
00:17:36,192 --> 00:17:37,726
This isn't just a patch of dirt.
425
00:17:37,761 --> 00:17:39,628
It's a canvas on which we've painted
426
00:17:39,663 --> 00:17:42,029
some of the most
wonderful moments of our lives.
427
00:17:42,064 --> 00:17:43,697
That's beautiful, Mr. Smith.
428
00:17:43,733 --> 00:17:46,366
I believe that I could
never buy the mineral rights
429
00:17:46,402 --> 00:17:48,368
from you or your son.
430
00:17:48,404 --> 00:17:49,369
Great.
431
00:17:49,405 --> 00:17:50,538
So...
432
00:17:50,573 --> 00:17:51,839
about my fence?
433
00:17:51,874 --> 00:17:55,208
Which is why I bought
them from their actual owner.
434
00:17:55,244 --> 00:17:57,477
ANNOUNCER: Actual owner?! Whoa!
435
00:17:57,512 --> 00:18:00,346
Who will it be, "American Dad!" fans?
436
00:18:00,381 --> 00:18:02,515
Steve's teacher? Ken Griffey Jr.?
437
00:18:02,551 --> 00:18:04,031
The Gordon exec who hasn't spoken yet?
438
00:18:04,052 --> 00:18:05,518
Is it Snot, Barry, or Toshi,
439
00:18:05,554 --> 00:18:07,386
who've all been conspicuously absent?
440
00:18:07,422 --> 00:18:08,955
Is it me, the announcer?!
441
00:18:08,990 --> 00:18:10,723
Oh, I look like Dracula, by the way.
442
00:18:10,759 --> 00:18:12,358
Is it Principal Lewis?
443
00:18:12,393 --> 00:18:14,393
Is it Francine's sexy sister, Gwen?
444
00:18:14,429 --> 00:18:17,362
Is it Diane from an
upcoming episode about slot cars?
445
00:18:17,397 --> 00:18:20,031
Suckboy Tony? James
Garfield? Robert Wuhl?
446
00:18:20,067 --> 00:18:22,835
Tuttle, Buckle, Jackson,
Duper, Hooper, Dick, or Bullock?
447
00:18:22,870 --> 00:18:25,571
Styles, Billy, Jack,
Meredith, Tom from the grocery store?
448
00:18:25,606 --> 00:18:28,841
That sweet little boy from
"The Cleveland Show," Rallo?
449
00:18:28,876 --> 00:18:30,075
It's me!
450
00:18:30,110 --> 00:18:31,776
You're probably realizing now, Stan,
451
00:18:31,811 --> 00:18:34,779
that permission slip you signed
was a mineral-rights lease.
452
00:18:34,814 --> 00:18:37,247
But when it turned out Steve
was the real owner,
453
00:18:37,283 --> 00:18:40,651
I broke my arm and plastered
another lease around my cast.
454
00:18:40,687 --> 00:18:43,488
Sorry, kid, but you were
throwing away one hell of a score.
455
00:18:43,523 --> 00:18:45,122
All right, people! Let's dig!
456
00:18:49,761 --> 00:18:52,496
What? What?! There's no vein?!
457
00:18:52,531 --> 00:18:55,431
We paid all that
money for just one scoop?!
458
00:18:55,467 --> 00:18:56,833
Sir, there's been a report
459
00:18:56,869 --> 00:18:58,401
of a gusher in Madison, Wisconsin.
460
00:18:58,436 --> 00:18:59,769
Great. That's where I'm from.
461
00:18:59,805 --> 00:19:01,070
We can stay with my mom.
462
00:19:01,106 --> 00:19:03,507
She's got a bumper pool table.
463
00:19:05,310 --> 00:19:07,543
(beeping)
464
00:19:07,578 --> 00:19:12,247
And that, my friends, is
what we call the long con.
465
00:19:12,282 --> 00:19:13,616
What are you talking about?
466
00:19:13,651 --> 00:19:15,250
I planted that salt.
467
00:19:15,285 --> 00:19:17,486
I set up this whole thing.
468
00:19:17,522 --> 00:19:18,988
It was a sting, baby.
469
00:19:19,023 --> 00:19:21,891
Oh, I've wanted to
screw Gordon Salt for years.
470
00:19:21,926 --> 00:19:23,424
What on earth for?
471
00:19:23,459 --> 00:19:25,493
Well, you know how my
Rabbi Itzhak character
472
00:19:25,529 --> 00:19:27,061
likes to keep kosher?
473
00:19:27,096 --> 00:19:30,832
A few years ago, the rebbe conducted
a surprise inspection
474
00:19:30,867 --> 00:19:32,967
of a Gordon facility in Arizona
475
00:19:33,003 --> 00:19:36,971
to confirm that their so-called
kosher salt was, indeed, kosher.
476
00:19:37,007 --> 00:19:40,173
I'm not embarrassed to
say I wept and cried for mercy
477
00:19:40,208 --> 00:19:42,709
as I was soundly beaten by the
girl behind the front desk.
478
00:19:42,745 --> 00:19:44,611
But I vowed revenge.
479
00:19:44,647 --> 00:19:47,781
So I bought a 40-pound bag of
salt and buried it in the yard,
480
00:19:47,816 --> 00:19:50,183
bought the power washer
and slapped a Hemi on it,
481
00:19:50,218 --> 00:19:52,953
and I waited for 3 1/2 years
482
00:19:52,988 --> 00:19:55,155
for Stan to finally clean the patio.
483
00:19:55,190 --> 00:19:56,889
The rest was a breeze.
484
00:19:56,925 --> 00:19:59,191
Why didn't you just
let us in on the con?
485
00:19:59,226 --> 00:20:01,160
I mean, you saw how it
was tearing us apart.
486
00:20:01,195 --> 00:20:03,729
I couldn't trust you to be
cool when the stakes were so high.
487
00:20:03,765 --> 00:20:05,064
How much did you make?
488
00:20:05,099 --> 00:20:07,833
Let's see. After my salt
purchase, backhoe rental,
489
00:20:07,869 --> 00:20:09,569
power washer, reconditioned V-8 engine,
490
00:20:09,604 --> 00:20:11,537
hospital bills, notary
for the mineral lease,
491
00:20:11,573 --> 00:20:15,239
plus the staff retreat in Park
City, I cleared 40 bucks.
492
00:20:15,275 --> 00:20:16,775
That's nothing.
493
00:20:16,810 --> 00:20:19,444
No. That's enough for a bag of charcoal.
494
00:20:19,479 --> 00:20:20,745
A lovely day
495
00:20:20,781 --> 00:20:22,747
Lovely day, lovely day
496
00:20:22,783 --> 00:20:24,783
Lovely day, lovely day
497
00:20:24,818 --> 00:20:26,451
Lovely day
498
00:20:26,486 --> 00:20:29,854
I am going to remember this
day for a long time, honey.
499
00:20:29,890 --> 00:20:31,722
Me too. It's perfect.
500
00:20:31,757 --> 00:20:33,857
Almost. It could use a little more...
501
00:20:33,893 --> 00:20:35,192
salt.
502
00:20:35,227 --> 00:20:38,462
(laughter)
503
00:20:38,497 --> 00:20:39,630
That's pretty good, Roger.
504
00:20:39,665 --> 00:20:42,099
Why don't you toss me those tongs?
505
00:20:48,707 --> 00:20:50,006
It's pepper.
506
00:20:51,810 --> 00:20:54,010
Nope, it's sewage.
507
00:20:54,045 --> 00:20:55,745
It's Steve's.
508
00:20:55,795 --> 00:21:00,345
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