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1
00:00:02,096 --> 00:00:03,497
[Birds chirping]
2
00:00:03,498 --> 00:00:05,579
Roger, are those pumps?
3
00:00:05,580 --> 00:00:07,046
Most def.
4
00:00:07,047 --> 00:00:08,710
Headed down to the park
to play some ball.
5
00:00:08,711 --> 00:00:10,516
[Air hisses]
6
00:00:10,517 --> 00:00:11,918
Four pumps?!
7
00:00:11,919 --> 00:00:15,154
Oh, your foot must be
floating right now!
8
00:00:15,155 --> 00:00:16,822
[Hisses]
9
00:00:16,823 --> 00:00:18,191
Five pumps?
10
00:00:18,192 --> 00:00:20,626
Is your other foot still at no pumps?
11
00:00:20,627 --> 00:00:21,794
You're gonna die!
12
00:00:21,795 --> 00:00:23,196
Roger, can I come play with you?
13
00:00:23,197 --> 00:00:24,580
I'm trying to get some practice in
14
00:00:24,581 --> 00:00:25,865
for the big two-on-two tourney.
15
00:00:25,866 --> 00:00:27,400
Ha! You're playing
16
00:00:27,401 --> 00:00:30,269
in the Uptown Throw-Down
to Dunk Away Malaria?
17
00:00:30,270 --> 00:00:31,771
Um, 50 bucks on malaria.
18
00:00:31,772 --> 00:00:33,071
Come on, I'm good!
19
00:00:33,072 --> 00:00:34,655
I play at the rec center every Tuesday.
20
00:00:34,656 --> 00:00:36,375
With those old guys?
21
00:00:36,376 --> 00:00:39,144
Stan, you're what real ballers
refer to as an "old head."
22
00:00:39,145 --> 00:00:41,647
You could never run with
a young blood like me.
23
00:00:41,648 --> 00:00:42,748
I could keep up.
24
00:00:42,749 --> 00:00:43,881
Aah!
25
00:00:47,320 --> 00:00:49,087
Check you later, old head.
26
00:00:49,088 --> 00:00:51,156
You don't have to be like that.
27
00:00:51,157 --> 00:00:52,824
I know how that trick works.
28
00:00:52,825 --> 00:00:54,759
It's not the same ball.
29
00:00:54,760 --> 00:00:57,228
[Mid-tempo music playing]
30
00:00:59,965 --> 00:01:01,533
- Oh!
- Oh! - Oh!
31
00:01:01,534 --> 00:01:03,100
Nice feed, Applesauce!
32
00:01:03,101 --> 00:01:05,869
I got you all day, Rip!
33
00:01:08,407 --> 00:01:10,408
Crisscross applesauce!
34
00:01:10,409 --> 00:01:12,376
Wha?! How did he...
35
00:01:12,377 --> 00:01:15,313
That's his signature move...
Crisscross applesauce.
36
00:01:15,314 --> 00:01:17,815
That's why he rules
the playground, fool.
37
00:01:17,816 --> 00:01:20,051
Crisscross applesauce!
38
00:01:20,052 --> 00:01:23,053
Crisscross applesauce!
39
00:01:24,056 --> 00:01:25,156
Crisscross apple...
40
00:01:25,157 --> 00:01:26,090
[Bone crunches]
41
00:01:26,091 --> 00:01:26,991
[All gasp]
42
00:01:26,992 --> 00:01:28,659
Oh, my ankle!
43
00:01:28,660 --> 00:01:32,663
Ooh, sweet Baby Jesus! Not Applesauce!
44
00:01:32,664 --> 00:01:35,499
Noooooooooo!
45
00:01:35,500 --> 00:01:36,834
Get up, Applesauce!
46
00:01:36,835 --> 00:01:39,268
You gotta get up!
47
00:01:41,973 --> 00:01:44,475
Good morning, U.S.A.
48
00:01:44,476 --> 00:01:48,311
I got a feelin' that it's
gonna be a wonderful day
49
00:01:48,312 --> 00:01:51,547
The sun in the sky has
a smile on his face
50
00:01:51,548 --> 00:01:55,817
And he's shinin' a salute
to the American race
51
00:01:57,688 --> 00:02:01,023
Oh, boy, it's swell to say
52
00:02:01,024 --> 00:02:03,258
-
Good...
-
Good morning, U.S.A.
53
00:02:03,259 --> 00:02:04,593
Aah!
54
00:02:05,996 --> 00:02:09,198
Good morning, U.S.A.
55
00:02:09,199 --> 00:02:12,300
Subtitle sync and corrections by
awaqeded for www.addic7ed.com.
56
00:02:15,938 --> 00:02:20,009
3:30 in the afternoon
57
00:02:20,010 --> 00:02:21,877
I should be doing my homework
58
00:02:21,878 --> 00:02:23,678
Inside my own room
59
00:02:23,679 --> 00:02:26,314
But bad luck
60
00:02:26,315 --> 00:02:28,016
Got me all messed up
61
00:02:28,017 --> 00:02:30,485
I'm in the locker room
and now I'm stuck
62
00:02:30,486 --> 00:02:32,888
Guess I'm a goner now
63
00:02:32,889 --> 00:02:35,323
See, I was walking,
Snot was talking
64
00:02:35,324 --> 00:02:37,425
I remembered something
65
00:02:37,426 --> 00:02:39,660
I'd forgotten to grab my wallet
66
00:02:39,661 --> 00:02:41,595
Because I was rushing
67
00:02:41,596 --> 00:02:45,066
Then he said, "I'm fittin'
to go to my grandma's house"
68
00:02:45,067 --> 00:02:47,335
I shrugged and I turned around
69
00:02:47,336 --> 00:02:49,770
Back to the school,
but then
who did I found?
Mertz
70
00:02:49,771 --> 00:02:51,772
"Oh, no"
71
00:02:51,773 --> 00:02:53,774
This is not who I want to see
72
00:02:53,775 --> 00:02:56,010
Was running till I saw an opening
73
00:02:56,011 --> 00:02:58,378
And now the whole soccer
team's bound to freak
74
00:02:58,379 --> 00:03:00,322
[Falsetto voice]
She's
approaching the locker
75
00:03:00,323 --> 00:03:02,382
They're done practicing soccer
76
00:03:02,383 --> 00:03:04,384
She's opening the locker
77
00:03:04,385 --> 00:03:08,420
Wish there was some
way to block her
78
00:03:17,265 --> 00:03:18,365
[Shatters]
79
00:03:18,366 --> 00:03:19,933
I'm going down to the corner
80
00:03:19,934 --> 00:03:21,868
to get drunk with the other losers.
81
00:03:21,869 --> 00:03:24,837
Roger, I'm not so sure
about your new crew.
82
00:03:24,838 --> 00:03:26,606
Oh, I guess you think
they're losers, huh?
83
00:03:26,607 --> 00:03:28,675
Why are you going down there, anyway?
84
00:03:28,676 --> 00:03:31,010
Because I got - a hairline
fracture in my leg.
85
00:03:31,011 --> 00:03:32,545
I'm washed up!
86
00:03:32,546 --> 00:03:35,682
Now I'm never gonna win the
two-on-two tournament.
87
00:03:35,683 --> 00:03:37,617
That was my one true dream.
88
00:03:37,618 --> 00:03:39,819
That doesn't mean your
life is over, Roger.
89
00:03:39,820 --> 00:03:41,420
You're walking around fine.
90
00:03:41,421 --> 00:03:43,289
Yeah, but the doctor says I can't ball.
91
00:03:43,290 --> 00:03:44,657
Body can't handle
92
00:03:44,658 --> 00:03:48,127
the quick cuts, the
spins, the crisscross.
93
00:03:48,128 --> 00:03:49,928
And without the crisscross,
94
00:03:49,929 --> 00:03:52,863
I'm just some guy yelling
about applesauce.
95
00:03:54,634 --> 00:03:56,569
Stan, I'm worried about Roger.
96
00:03:56,570 --> 00:03:58,971
Really? I'm more worried
about Frankenstein.
97
00:03:58,972 --> 00:04:00,439
He's absolutely terrifying.
98
00:04:00,440 --> 00:04:01,873
Come on, Stan.
99
00:04:01,874 --> 00:04:04,375
Don't the guys at your
basketball game play slow
100
00:04:04,376 --> 00:04:05,677
so no one gets hurt?
101
00:04:05,678 --> 00:04:07,445
Oh, no! No way I'm inviting Roger.
102
00:04:07,446 --> 00:04:09,280
I asked to play with him last week,
103
00:04:09,281 --> 00:04:10,916
and he called me an old head.
104
00:04:10,917 --> 00:04:12,784
Well, now he's the one who's old.
105
00:04:12,785 --> 00:04:13,986
I could school him.
106
00:04:13,987 --> 00:04:15,420
Actually...
107
00:04:15,421 --> 00:04:18,423
Maybe Roger should come play with me.
108
00:04:18,424 --> 00:04:23,595
Yeah. Maybe that's exactly what
old Roger needs right now.
109
00:04:23,596 --> 00:04:24,795
Thank you, Stan.
110
00:04:24,796 --> 00:04:26,297
But it worries me,
111
00:04:26,298 --> 00:04:28,566
that bad-guy thing you're
doing with your hands.
112
00:04:28,567 --> 00:04:30,234
[Lisping] Oh, does it?
113
00:04:33,068 --> 00:04:35,770
Man, no one could guard me in my day.
114
00:04:35,771 --> 00:04:37,605
I made fools look foolish.
115
00:04:37,606 --> 00:04:39,908
You were straight up legend, E-Money.
116
00:04:39,909 --> 00:04:41,342
- Roger!
- What's up? You need weed?
117
00:04:41,343 --> 00:04:42,610
Get in the car.
118
00:04:42,611 --> 00:04:44,679
Oh, he needs a little something else.
119
00:04:44,680 --> 00:04:46,480
I'm gonna go blow this guy.
120
00:04:46,481 --> 00:04:49,583
You on fire today, Applesauce!
[Car door closes]
121
00:04:49,584 --> 00:04:51,352
[Slow beat playing]
122
00:04:51,353 --> 00:04:53,788
Steve:
So these girls
pull me out of the locker
123
00:04:53,789 --> 00:04:56,290
Talkin' about, "What the
hell you doing up in here?"
124
00:04:56,291 --> 00:04:58,892
I'm like, "Hold up [bleep]
you need to lower your voice
125
00:04:58,893 --> 00:05:00,527
Do I make myself clear?"
126
00:05:00,528 --> 00:05:02,562
She like, "Whoa, who
you calling a [bleep]?"
127
00:05:02,563 --> 00:05:04,397
I'm like, "You"
She like, "Who?"
128
00:05:04,398 --> 00:05:05,632
I'm like, "You, [bleep]
129
00:05:05,633 --> 00:05:07,134
Wait, hold up, let me explain
130
00:05:07,135 --> 00:05:08,768
All the shit I been going through
131
00:05:08,769 --> 00:05:10,237
Now, let's start over
132
00:05:10,238 --> 00:05:11,471
My name's Steve
133
00:05:11,472 --> 00:05:13,440
It's nice to meet you, ladies"
134
00:05:13,441 --> 00:05:15,075
"Cut that bullcrap, Steve
135
00:05:15,076 --> 00:05:17,477
We know that you've
been acting shady
136
00:05:17,478 --> 00:05:19,346
So, listen close
137
00:05:19,347 --> 00:05:21,348
'Cause this is what we are gonna go
138
00:05:21,349 --> 00:05:23,416
When somebody's creeping,
we call in Jewel"
139
00:05:23,417 --> 00:05:24,684
"Not Jewel"
140
00:05:24,685 --> 00:05:26,285
"Yes, Jewel"
141
00:05:26,286 --> 00:05:27,654
Oh, no
142
00:05:27,655 --> 00:05:30,590
Jewel looks like a grown-ass man
143
00:05:30,591 --> 00:05:31,858
14 years old
144
00:05:31,859 --> 00:05:34,626
At least 215 pounds
145
00:05:34,627 --> 00:05:36,262
She's coming at me
146
00:05:36,263 --> 00:05:38,764
And this is when things
start to get foolish
147
00:05:38,765 --> 00:05:41,433
The roof caved in on top of her
148
00:05:41,434 --> 00:05:43,769
[Falsetto voice]
Oh,
my God, it's Lewis
149
00:05:43,770 --> 00:05:46,037
[Echoing]
Lewis, Lewis
150
00:05:49,576 --> 00:05:52,177
Stan, is this a basketball gym?
151
00:05:52,178 --> 00:05:53,979
I told you, my playing days are over.
152
00:05:53,980 --> 00:05:56,614
Yeah, but I was thinking maybe
this is more your speed.
153
00:06:01,320 --> 00:06:03,021
[Bone crunches, ball bounces]
154
00:06:03,022 --> 00:06:04,823
I don't know, Stan.
155
00:06:04,824 --> 00:06:06,124
You think I'll fit in?
156
00:06:06,125 --> 00:06:07,548
Hey, everyone, I brought a new guy.
157
00:06:07,549 --> 00:06:09,261
His name is... Billy Jesusworth.
158
00:06:09,262 --> 00:06:10,762
Billy Jesusworth,
159
00:06:10,763 --> 00:06:13,698
this is Jackson, Dick,
Buckle, Shaquille O'Neal.
160
00:06:13,699 --> 00:06:15,367
Shaq plays here?
161
00:06:15,368 --> 00:06:18,136
Us old heads got to get
some games whenever we can.
162
00:06:18,137 --> 00:06:20,305
For me, it's all about the joy.
163
00:06:20,306 --> 00:06:22,374
Buckle plays here?!
164
00:06:22,375 --> 00:06:23,940
[Mid-tempo music playing]
165
00:06:25,844 --> 00:06:27,744
Stan! Easy, Stan.
166
00:06:30,382 --> 00:06:32,181
Face!
167
00:06:34,887 --> 00:06:36,185
Aagh!
168
00:06:37,689 --> 00:06:40,157
Bucket! And the foul!
169
00:06:40,158 --> 00:06:41,892
Why are you doing this to me?
170
00:06:41,893 --> 00:06:43,327
Because you called me old.
171
00:06:43,328 --> 00:06:45,595
You're the one who's old.
You're washed up.
172
00:06:45,596 --> 00:06:48,432
What, so you just brought me
here to make me look stupid?
173
00:06:48,433 --> 00:06:51,435
[Sobbing]
174
00:06:51,436 --> 00:06:52,736
Damn, Stan.
175
00:06:52,737 --> 00:06:54,371
And you said that guy was your friend.
176
00:06:54,372 --> 00:06:55,772
That's cold-blooded.
177
00:06:55,773 --> 00:06:57,106
Shaq could use someone like you
178
00:06:57,107 --> 00:06:58,341
for the two-on-two tournament.
179
00:06:58,342 --> 00:07:00,544
Hey, you serious right now?
180
00:07:00,545 --> 00:07:01,912
Absolutely.
181
00:07:01,913 --> 00:07:03,547
You seem like the
toughest dude out here.
182
00:07:03,548 --> 00:07:04,748
You noticed!
183
00:07:04,749 --> 00:07:06,716
Oh, my heart is soaring right now!
184
00:07:06,717 --> 00:07:09,385
[Roger sobbing]
185
00:07:09,386 --> 00:07:11,721
The far doors are locked.
I'm gonna try the other ones.
186
00:07:11,722 --> 00:07:13,955
[Sobbing continues]
187
00:07:16,234 --> 00:07:17,402
[Door opens]
188
00:07:17,403 --> 00:07:19,271
Hey, how was basketball?
189
00:07:19,272 --> 00:07:22,174
Awesome! Shaquille O'Neal
asked me to be his partner
190
00:07:22,175 --> 00:07:23,741
for the Uptown Throw-Down!
191
00:07:23,742 --> 00:07:26,244
But the best part was
I totally schooled Roger.
192
00:07:26,245 --> 00:07:29,881
Stan, the whole reason I asked
you to take Roger to your game
193
00:07:29,882 --> 00:07:31,616
was to build his confidence.
194
00:07:31,617 --> 00:07:34,586
As usual, your reason and
mine were totally different.
195
00:07:34,587 --> 00:07:36,454
I took him because he
was being a dick to me
196
00:07:36,455 --> 00:07:38,122
and I wanted to crush his will to live.
197
00:07:38,123 --> 00:07:40,792
He's your friend. Look at him.
198
00:07:40,793 --> 00:07:45,428
Stan, can you do me one last act
of kindness and start the car?
199
00:07:50,435 --> 00:07:54,238
Fine. I'll take him back to
the game and I'll play nice.
200
00:07:54,239 --> 00:07:55,872
But if I get the ball behind
the arc and I'm open,
201
00:07:55,873 --> 00:07:57,274
I'm gonna drill threes over him.
202
00:07:57,275 --> 00:07:59,110
I'm a shooter, and a
shooter gotta shoot.
203
00:07:59,111 --> 00:08:01,645
Stan, I don't know basketball,
204
00:08:01,646 --> 00:08:03,880
but I can tell by the
way you're talking
205
00:08:03,881 --> 00:08:05,748
that you're not good at it.
206
00:08:07,085 --> 00:08:11,454
Steve:
3:47 in
Principal Lewis' room
207
00:08:11,455 --> 00:08:13,490
This fool is having a panic attack
208
00:08:13,491 --> 00:08:14,791
I hope this is over soon
209
00:08:14,792 --> 00:08:16,426
He was talking about
210
00:08:16,427 --> 00:08:17,828
[Deep voice]
"Budget cuts
211
00:08:17,829 --> 00:08:19,496
No pest control for months
212
00:08:19,497 --> 00:08:21,665
I wasn't perving or
looking at butts
213
00:08:21,666 --> 00:08:23,409
I was in the A.C., man,
hunting for rats
214
00:08:23,410 --> 00:08:25,135
I swear to God"
215
00:08:25,136 --> 00:08:27,599
[Normal voice]
"Man, that's
your business, not my business
216
00:08:27,600 --> 00:08:28,771
I don't need no update"
217
00:08:28,772 --> 00:08:30,340
[Deep voice]
"I got a new woman
218
00:08:30,341 --> 00:08:33,209
So we need to get our
stories straight"
219
00:08:33,210 --> 00:08:35,753
[Normal voice]
"We? What the
[bleep] you talkin' 'bout, man?
220
00:08:35,754 --> 00:08:37,313
There's no 'we'"
221
00:08:37,314 --> 00:08:39,549
[Deep voice]
"Steve, if my
new woman hear about this
222
00:08:39,550 --> 00:08:41,884
Man, she gon' leave"
[Muffled sneeze]
223
00:08:41,885 --> 00:08:44,153
"Wait, what the heck was that?
224
00:08:44,154 --> 00:08:46,155
Sounded like a rat"
225
00:08:46,156 --> 00:08:49,058
[Normal voice]
Then he pulled
out a Jericho 9 millimeter
226
00:08:49,059 --> 00:08:50,292
Started busting
227
00:08:50,293 --> 00:08:52,061
[Gunshots]
228
00:08:52,062 --> 00:08:55,397
And just when I thought
it couldn't get more scary
229
00:08:55,398 --> 00:08:57,141
[Falsetto voice]
When
he opened the door
230
00:08:57,142 --> 00:09:00,502
The rat turned out
to be Secretary Mary
231
00:09:00,503 --> 00:09:02,737
[Echoing]
Mary, Mary
232
00:09:05,642 --> 00:09:08,644
Listen, guys, after you
demoralized Billy yesterday,
233
00:09:08,645 --> 00:09:09,811
he tried to kill himself.
234
00:09:09,812 --> 00:09:11,813
Hey, me, too! No way!
235
00:09:11,814 --> 00:09:14,716
I was thinking maybe this time
we could take it easy on him,
236
00:09:14,717 --> 00:09:16,017
let him hit a couple shots.
237
00:09:16,018 --> 00:09:17,285
Makes sense to me.
238
00:09:17,286 --> 00:09:19,320
The Spurs won two NBA champions
239
00:09:19,321 --> 00:09:22,122
because the commissioner was
worried Tim Duncan looked sad.
240
00:09:25,527 --> 00:09:27,427
Stan: Shoot!
241
00:09:32,201 --> 00:09:33,234
Shoot!
242
00:09:33,235 --> 00:09:35,503
[Groans]
243
00:09:35,504 --> 00:09:37,071
- Come on, Billy!
- Shoot!
244
00:09:37,072 --> 00:09:38,605
Billy, I believe in you!
245
00:09:42,578 --> 00:09:43,678
Swish!
246
00:09:43,679 --> 00:09:45,546
Nice shot. You nailed it.
247
00:09:45,547 --> 00:09:47,348
I did?!
248
00:09:47,349 --> 00:09:50,884
Yeah, baby. That's automatic for me.
249
00:09:50,885 --> 00:09:53,453
Dunk!
250
00:09:53,454 --> 00:09:55,055
Nice assist, Shaq.
251
00:09:55,056 --> 00:09:57,624
You guys can't leave me
and Shaq open like that.
252
00:09:57,625 --> 00:09:58,858
We'll make you pay.
253
00:10:01,796 --> 00:10:03,296
I'll take it from here.
254
00:10:14,575 --> 00:10:16,309
Better grab a poncho, boys.
255
00:10:16,310 --> 00:10:20,012
It's gonna be raining
from this spot all day.
256
00:10:20,013 --> 00:10:23,015
Steve:
So, I'm speeding
down the street
257
00:10:23,016 --> 00:10:26,185
Reaching for my phone,
about to have a fit
258
00:10:26,186 --> 00:10:30,022
I'm calling the one dude who can
help me out of this mess
[Dialing]
259
00:10:30,023 --> 00:10:31,190
Br-ring
260
00:10:31,191 --> 00:10:32,759
"Come on, Snot, I need you
261
00:10:32,760 --> 00:10:35,762
To pick up the damn
phone right now"
262
00:10:35,763 --> 00:10:39,331
And the next part's so
jacked up that it hurts
263
00:10:39,332 --> 00:10:42,434
[Falsetto voice]
The dude
that picked up wasn't Snot
264
00:10:42,435 --> 00:10:45,036
It was [Echoing] Mertz
265
00:10:45,037 --> 00:10:46,337
Hello?
266
00:10:51,099 --> 00:10:52,599
Great news, everybody.
267
00:10:52,600 --> 00:10:55,302
Heinrich asked me to be
his two-on-two partner.
268
00:10:55,303 --> 00:10:56,736
All: Oh!
269
00:10:56,737 --> 00:10:59,406
Nice ballin' today, Hooper.
Quit biting on my fake.
270
00:10:59,407 --> 00:11:01,441
Dick, if you're gonna bank it,
better call glass.
271
00:11:01,442 --> 00:11:02,609
Stan!
272
00:11:02,610 --> 00:11:04,244
Stan, I just want to thank you.
273
00:11:04,245 --> 00:11:05,912
I thought I was finished playing ball,
274
00:11:05,913 --> 00:11:07,947
but you took the time to lift me up
275
00:11:07,948 --> 00:11:09,549
and show me I could still hoop.
276
00:11:09,550 --> 00:11:11,050
I am in your debt.
277
00:11:11,051 --> 00:11:13,686
Well, I'm just glad to see
you back to your old self.
278
00:11:13,687 --> 00:11:15,221
And you're a pretty good baller,
279
00:11:15,222 --> 00:11:17,289
which is why I'm not going
to take you lightly
280
00:11:17,290 --> 00:11:19,792
when I face you in the
tourney with my new partner,
281
00:11:19,793 --> 00:11:21,260
Shaquille O'Neal!
282
00:11:21,261 --> 00:11:24,063
But... but we're supposed
to play together.
283
00:11:24,064 --> 00:11:25,120
Sorry, Stan.
284
00:11:25,121 --> 00:11:27,037
I don't believe man's
fate is predetermined.
285
00:11:27,038 --> 00:11:29,105
We're all endowed with free will.
286
00:11:29,106 --> 00:11:31,941
And I'm using mine to
change basketball partners.
287
00:11:31,942 --> 00:11:33,410
You knew he was my partner!
288
00:11:33,411 --> 00:11:35,111
Shaquille, let's talk strategy.
289
00:11:35,112 --> 00:11:36,646
Now, if you're uncomfortable
290
00:11:36,647 --> 00:11:38,714
with me walking with my
arm around your waist,
291
00:11:38,715 --> 00:11:40,216
I could also walk behind you
292
00:11:40,217 --> 00:11:42,717
with my hands clasped in
front of your abdomen.
293
00:11:45,718 --> 00:11:47,453
I love the Panda.
294
00:11:47,454 --> 00:11:50,755
Double orange chicken,
all day, every day.
295
00:11:50,756 --> 00:11:53,125
I know they called us
the Dream Team in '96,
296
00:11:53,126 --> 00:11:55,260
but to me, the real Dream Team
297
00:11:55,261 --> 00:11:57,562
is this beef and this broccoli.
298
00:11:57,563 --> 00:11:59,564
You deserve this more than I do.
299
00:11:59,565 --> 00:12:02,133
Oh, hello, Roger. Didn't
know I'd see you here.
300
00:12:02,134 --> 00:12:05,103
Just came in because my new teammate
for the tourney was hungry.
301
00:12:05,104 --> 00:12:07,305
Oh, have you met Yao Ming?
302
00:12:07,306 --> 00:12:08,740
Yao Ming?!
303
00:12:08,741 --> 00:12:10,308
But, uh, what?!
304
00:12:10,309 --> 00:12:14,212
That's right. I got legendary
monster freak Yao Ming.
305
00:12:14,213 --> 00:12:15,714
Hey, Shaq.
306
00:12:15,715 --> 00:12:17,711
_
307
00:12:18,099 --> 00:12:20,412
_
308
00:12:20,640 --> 00:12:22,123
_
309
00:12:22,206 --> 00:12:23,650
_
310
00:12:23,892 --> 00:12:24,634
_
311
00:12:24,635 --> 00:12:26,028
_
312
00:12:28,802 --> 00:12:29,860
_
313
00:12:29,861 --> 00:12:31,329
You're talking about me.
314
00:12:31,330 --> 00:12:33,070
I know you're talking
about me, Shaquille.
315
00:12:33,551 --> 00:12:34,523
_
316
00:12:34,823 --> 00:12:36,984
_
317
00:12:37,416 --> 00:12:39,709
_
318
00:12:44,943 --> 00:12:46,710
So...
319
00:12:46,711 --> 00:12:47,945
Yao and I are gonna team up.
320
00:12:47,946 --> 00:12:49,379
Hope we're cool.
321
00:12:49,380 --> 00:12:52,516
No, we're not cool!
Why would we be cool?!
322
00:12:52,517 --> 00:12:54,384
This is your fault, Stan!
323
00:12:54,385 --> 00:12:57,287
Shaq was my chance to get back
on top, and you ruined it!
324
00:12:57,288 --> 00:12:58,321
I hate you!
325
00:12:58,322 --> 00:13:01,390
[Sobbing]
326
00:13:05,829 --> 00:13:08,730
[Sobbing continues]
327
00:13:10,133 --> 00:13:11,300
Steve:
I'm tripping
328
00:13:11,301 --> 00:13:13,636
What the heck is going on?
329
00:13:13,637 --> 00:13:15,471
Maybe I called the wrong number
330
00:13:15,472 --> 00:13:17,373
And got the wrong phone
331
00:13:17,374 --> 00:13:19,876
But the doors are open
332
00:13:19,877 --> 00:13:21,978
Smells like potpourri
333
00:13:21,979 --> 00:13:23,713
I walk in, and what do I see?
334
00:13:23,714 --> 00:13:26,715
Snot and Mertz playin' Risk
335
00:13:26,716 --> 00:13:28,650
"I'm betrayed, my favorite game
336
00:13:28,651 --> 00:13:30,852
You're playing with that bully
337
00:13:30,853 --> 00:13:33,055
What, now y'all close?
Wait [Gasps]
338
00:13:33,056 --> 00:13:35,857
[Falsetto voice]
You're
drinking milk and cookies?"
339
00:13:35,858 --> 00:13:37,326
Snot was like, "Listen"
340
00:13:37,327 --> 00:13:38,894
"No-no, no, no, no"
341
00:13:38,895 --> 00:13:40,563
"I can explain"
342
00:13:40,564 --> 00:13:42,998
"Well, then, go ahead
and explain yourself"
343
00:13:42,999 --> 00:13:45,100
[Normal voice]
Then
Mertz jumped up, said
344
00:13:45,101 --> 00:13:47,869
"I'll explain so that
you two will cool it
345
00:13:47,870 --> 00:13:50,271
See, his dad died and my dad died
346
00:13:50,272 --> 00:13:52,107
And Risk is therapeutic"
347
00:13:52,108 --> 00:13:54,009
I was like, "Amen"
348
00:13:54,010 --> 00:13:55,877
Snot was like, "Amen to that
349
00:13:55,878 --> 00:13:56,945
I love Risk"
350
00:13:56,946 --> 00:13:58,313
"I love Risk, too"
351
00:13:58,314 --> 00:14:00,115
"Damn, y'all bonded over Risk
352
00:14:00,116 --> 00:14:01,549
That's beautif... "
353
00:14:01,550 --> 00:14:04,486
Principal Lewis kicked in the door
354
00:14:04,487 --> 00:14:06,254
Waving a .44
355
00:14:06,255 --> 00:14:09,056
Talking about, "Don't speak,
don't move no more"
356
00:14:09,057 --> 00:14:10,992
But Snot's mom came in and said
357
00:14:10,993 --> 00:14:12,494
"Lewis, baby, put down that gun
358
00:14:12,495 --> 00:14:13,661
And uncock it"
359
00:14:13,662 --> 00:14:14,885
And that's when we noticed
360
00:14:14,886 --> 00:14:16,230
They was wearing
361
00:14:16,231 --> 00:14:18,332
[Falsetto voice]
The very same locket
362
00:14:18,333 --> 00:14:20,501
[Echoing]
Locket, locket
363
00:14:20,502 --> 00:14:22,168
Locket
364
00:14:24,372 --> 00:14:26,840
[Insects chirping]
365
00:14:28,543 --> 00:14:30,677
You here to rub in the fact
366
00:14:30,678 --> 00:14:32,946
that you cost me the most
important thing in my life?
367
00:14:32,947 --> 00:14:36,650
You stole my partner after
I invited you into my game!
368
00:14:36,651 --> 00:14:37,951
What kind of friend does that?
369
00:14:37,952 --> 00:14:41,221
Oh, my God. You're right.
370
00:14:41,222 --> 00:14:43,290
I just got crazy 'cause...
371
00:14:43,291 --> 00:14:45,459
'cause I wanted to compete
at the highest level.
372
00:14:45,460 --> 00:14:48,128
You still can... if we play together.
373
00:14:48,129 --> 00:14:49,295
You and me?
374
00:14:49,296 --> 00:14:51,665
Maybe if I was still Applesauce.
375
00:14:51,666 --> 00:14:54,333
Roger, you don't need to be
Applesauce to be good.
376
00:14:54,334 --> 00:14:56,069
Applesauce was a young blood.
377
00:14:56,070 --> 00:14:59,005
He only succeeded on athleticism
and God-given talent.
378
00:14:59,006 --> 00:15:00,606
True. True.
379
00:15:00,607 --> 00:15:02,909
But you can learn to
play like an old head.
380
00:15:02,910 --> 00:15:05,444
Those guys that play with us,
they all used to be young.
381
00:15:05,445 --> 00:15:07,012
Buckle used to be able to dunk.
382
00:15:07,013 --> 00:15:08,314
Really?
383
00:15:08,315 --> 00:15:10,416
And Shaq used to play in the NBA.
384
00:15:10,417 --> 00:15:11,450
No way!
385
00:15:11,451 --> 00:15:12,818
But all those guys got old
386
00:15:12,819 --> 00:15:14,753
and learned to change their style.
387
00:15:14,754 --> 00:15:16,255
They learned to use their elbows,
388
00:15:16,256 --> 00:15:18,224
they learned to grab
their opponents' jerseys
389
00:15:18,225 --> 00:15:19,258
as they ran by.
390
00:15:19,259 --> 00:15:20,993
And you can learn, too.
391
00:15:20,994 --> 00:15:22,426
What do you say?
392
00:15:24,630 --> 00:15:27,632
- [Kurtis Blow's "Basketball" plays]
- And so the lesson begins
393
00:15:27,633 --> 00:15:29,334
We love that basketball
394
00:15:29,335 --> 00:15:33,939
Now rapping basketball...
number one, Kurtis Blow
395
00:15:33,940 --> 00:15:36,075
Basketball is my favorite sport
396
00:15:36,076 --> 00:15:38,179
I like the way they dribble
up and down the court
397
00:15:38,180 --> 00:15:40,612
Just like I'm the king
on the microphone
398
00:15:40,613 --> 00:15:42,681
So is Dr. J and Moses Malone
399
00:15:42,682 --> 00:15:45,317
I like slam dunks and
takin' it to the hoop
400
00:15:45,318 --> 00:15:48,052
My favorite play is the alley-oop
[Cheers and applause]
401
00:15:48,053 --> 00:15:49,721
We did it.
402
00:15:49,722 --> 00:15:51,789
It was hard-fought,
and we were having so much fun,
403
00:15:51,790 --> 00:15:53,344
we were halfway through the tournament
404
00:15:53,345 --> 00:15:55,008
before I even realized
we were playing it.
405
00:15:55,009 --> 00:15:58,295
But we did it!
We made it to the finals.
406
00:15:58,296 --> 00:16:00,897
[Slow beat playing]
407
00:16:02,768 --> 00:16:05,636
Steve:
Now we all on the floor
408
00:16:05,637 --> 00:16:07,571
Feelin' clueless
409
00:16:07,572 --> 00:16:11,675
It's hard to believe that
Snot's mom was banging Lewis
410
00:16:11,676 --> 00:16:13,310
Then Lewis says
411
00:16:13,311 --> 00:16:15,446
[Deep voice]
"It's been a hell of a day
412
00:16:15,447 --> 00:16:17,448
I'm glad this whole thing is out
413
00:16:17,449 --> 00:16:19,483
Wait, why you wearing a negligee?
414
00:16:19,484 --> 00:16:24,355
How'd you even know that
you was fittin' to see me?
415
00:16:24,356 --> 00:16:28,324
And whose clothes are those
thrown over the TV?"
416
00:16:28,325 --> 00:16:30,060
[Normal voice]
And Snot's mom was like
417
00:16:30,061 --> 00:16:31,494
"But... b-b-b-b"
418
00:16:31,495 --> 00:16:33,230
Stuttering all over the place
419
00:16:33,231 --> 00:16:36,066
And Lewis says, "Girl,
unless you got Parkinson's
420
00:16:36,067 --> 00:16:38,534
Start talking straight"
421
00:16:38,535 --> 00:16:40,403
"Baby, is everything okay?"
422
00:16:40,404 --> 00:16:41,770
[Deep voice]
"Wait, hold up
423
00:16:41,771 --> 00:16:43,674
I know this ain't the
dude that's the reason
424
00:16:43,675 --> 00:16:45,841
For the cabaret lingerie"
425
00:16:45,842 --> 00:16:48,146
[Normal voice]
Then Lewis
starts waving his gun around
426
00:16:48,147 --> 00:16:50,012
And busting shots off in the closet
427
00:16:50,013 --> 00:16:51,914
Then Greg fell out, cried, "Avery
428
00:16:51,915 --> 00:16:54,016
How could you be so dishonest?"
429
00:16:54,017 --> 00:16:55,385
Snot's mom screamed
430
00:16:55,386 --> 00:16:57,620
Now Greg's pager's flashing blue
431
00:16:57,621 --> 00:16:59,721
He says, "My bae's got a clue"
432
00:16:59,722 --> 00:17:02,158
Next thing, his man is in the room
433
00:17:02,159 --> 00:17:06,662
Seven minutes later,
12 adults with they guns out
434
00:17:06,663 --> 00:17:09,231
Talking about, "You [bleep]
her and I [bleep] him"
435
00:17:09,232 --> 00:17:10,732
While they all scream and shout
436
00:17:10,733 --> 00:17:12,701
But then...
437
00:17:12,702 --> 00:17:15,804
Principal Lewis started laughing
438
00:17:15,805 --> 00:17:19,741
Just sitting there, giggling
to himself, just laughing
439
00:17:19,742 --> 00:17:21,443
He said [Deep voice] "Well, now that
440
00:17:21,444 --> 00:17:24,379
We've all made the connection
441
00:17:24,380 --> 00:17:28,450
I hope everybody was
using protection"
442
00:17:28,451 --> 00:17:31,920
[Normal voice]
And they all started
laughing because, of course, nobody had
443
00:17:31,921 --> 00:17:34,522
Snot's mom, Greg, and Stelio
444
00:17:34,523 --> 00:17:36,291
And this new couple...
Gina and Chad
445
00:17:36,292 --> 00:17:39,527
They was all just laughin'
446
00:17:39,528 --> 00:17:41,796
Just giggling and laughin'
447
00:17:41,797 --> 00:17:44,032
And we snuck out
while they was laughin'
448
00:17:44,033 --> 00:17:46,456
Francine: Steve, I don't know
why you're telling me this now,
449
00:17:46,457 --> 00:17:49,036
and I don't know why you're
singing the whole story,
450
00:17:49,037 --> 00:17:52,406
but your dad and Roger are
about to play in the finals.
451
00:17:52,407 --> 00:17:54,375
Okay, singing may have
been a bad choice.
452
00:17:54,376 --> 00:17:56,043
But that's a crazy story, right?
453
00:17:56,044 --> 00:17:57,211
Wait...
454
00:17:57,212 --> 00:17:59,447
Did Lewis murder his secretary?
455
00:17:59,448 --> 00:18:01,549
The finals, Hayley!
456
00:18:01,550 --> 00:18:02,783
[Whistle blows]
457
00:18:02,784 --> 00:18:05,685
Okay, every basket is one point.
458
00:18:05,686 --> 00:18:08,021
First team to 11, wins.
459
00:18:08,022 --> 00:18:10,523
Whoever catches this has to kiss me.
460
00:18:10,524 --> 00:18:13,227
[Hip hop beat plays]
461
00:18:13,228 --> 00:18:14,694
Slam, da-da-dat
462
00:18:14,695 --> 00:18:16,864
Can't pass where you can't see!
463
00:18:16,865 --> 00:18:17,931
Let the boys be boys
464
00:18:17,932 --> 00:18:19,432
Slam, slam
465
00:18:19,433 --> 00:18:20,533
Da-da-dat
466
00:18:20,534 --> 00:18:21,701
Da-da-dat
467
00:18:21,702 --> 00:18:24,636
Let the boys be boys
468
00:18:25,873 --> 00:18:27,240
[Both panting]
469
00:18:27,241 --> 00:18:29,609
Man, these guys are good.
470
00:18:29,610 --> 00:18:30,844
I got a plan.
471
00:18:30,845 --> 00:18:32,912
The next time Shaq goes to the rim,
472
00:18:32,913 --> 00:18:34,045
let him dunk.
473
00:18:35,249 --> 00:18:37,917
Hey, Shaq, looks like the only
thing you're dunking these days
474
00:18:37,918 --> 00:18:39,018
is doughnuts!
475
00:18:39,019 --> 00:18:41,386
Oh! Up top, ref!
476
00:18:42,689 --> 00:18:43,990
[Creak, clatter]
477
00:18:43,991 --> 00:18:45,591
Aah!
478
00:18:45,592 --> 00:18:47,826
This thing crushed my legs.
479
00:18:47,827 --> 00:18:51,663
Who says an old head
can't learn a new trick?
480
00:18:51,664 --> 00:18:53,933
And now that Yao doesn't
have a teammate,
481
00:18:53,934 --> 00:18:56,101
I guess we win by forfeit.
482
00:18:56,102 --> 00:18:58,604
Wait. I will beat them by myself.
483
00:18:58,605 --> 00:19:00,773
[Gasps] He speaks English.
484
00:19:00,774 --> 00:19:01,840
Look for the hook
485
00:19:01,841 --> 00:19:03,475
Look for the hook
486
00:19:03,476 --> 00:19:05,677
Everybody, everybody,
here comes the hook
487
00:19:05,678 --> 00:19:06,745
Look for the hook
488
00:19:06,746 --> 00:19:08,346
Look for the hook
489
00:19:08,347 --> 00:19:10,248
Everybody, everybody,
here comes the hook
490
00:19:10,249 --> 00:19:12,083
Back to the studio
to make another hit
491
00:19:12,084 --> 00:19:13,318
On the tip of being funky
492
00:19:13,319 --> 00:19:14,485
This is funky as it get
493
00:19:14,486 --> 00:19:15,921
If ya trip, watch your lip
494
00:19:15,922 --> 00:19:17,305
With a quick fast and tip fast
495
00:19:17,306 --> 00:19:18,323
Like I did when I...
496
00:19:18,324 --> 00:19:19,791
This is it, Roger.
497
00:19:19,792 --> 00:19:22,294
We need one basket.
One basket to win it all.
498
00:19:22,295 --> 00:19:24,195
And we've got trick left.
499
00:19:24,196 --> 00:19:26,831
Stan, I can't blow this guy
in front of all these people.
500
00:19:26,832 --> 00:19:27,865
No!
501
00:19:27,866 --> 00:19:30,100
Crisscross applesauce.
502
00:19:30,101 --> 00:19:32,503
But, Stan, I'm too old for that move.
503
00:19:32,504 --> 00:19:33,738
No, you're not.
504
00:19:33,739 --> 00:19:35,339
You may be an old head,
505
00:19:35,340 --> 00:19:37,675
but your heart pumps young blood.
506
00:19:37,676 --> 00:19:40,377
Hell yeah, it does! Forget that doctor!
507
00:19:40,378 --> 00:19:44,147
Doctors are stupid, Roger.
They're just failed dentists.
508
00:19:52,389 --> 00:19:55,258
Crisscross applesau... Aah!
509
00:19:55,259 --> 00:19:58,661
[Both screaming]
510
00:20:02,333 --> 00:20:08,604
Yao, stop!
511
00:20:08,605 --> 00:20:11,473
[Triumphant music playing]
512
00:20:26,490 --> 00:20:28,824
The doctor said your
leg was gonna break
513
00:20:28,825 --> 00:20:30,593
if you ever tried that move.
514
00:20:30,594 --> 00:20:32,828
And Yao had been
guarding you close all day.
515
00:20:32,829 --> 00:20:35,263
It was simple math to know
that your exposed bone
516
00:20:35,264 --> 00:20:37,265
would pierce his calf and take him out.
517
00:20:37,266 --> 00:20:38,400
Great call, Stan.
518
00:20:38,401 --> 00:20:40,369
And we got the hardware, baby!
519
00:20:40,370 --> 00:20:41,636
Mwah!
520
00:20:41,637 --> 00:20:42,871
We should have been champions.
521
00:20:42,872 --> 00:20:44,639
This is a Shaq-rage!
522
00:20:44,640 --> 00:20:46,108
Klaus: You did your best,
523
00:20:46,109 --> 00:20:47,842
but you came up a little short.
524
00:20:47,843 --> 00:20:49,144
There's always next year.
525
00:20:49,145 --> 00:20:50,645
What? Who are you?
526
00:20:50,646 --> 00:20:55,550
Oh, guys. I'm Klaus.
527
00:20:55,551 --> 00:20:59,528
Subtitle sync and corrections by
awaqeded for www.addic7ed.com.
528
00:20:59,578 --> 00:21:04,128
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0
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