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1
00:00:01,565 --> 00:00:02,999
(upbeat march plays)
2
00:00:03,033 --> 00:00:05,702
Good morning, USA!
3
00:00:05,736 --> 00:00:09,639
I got a feeling that it's
gonna be a wonderful day
4
00:00:09,673 --> 00:00:12,609
The sun in the sky
has a smile on his face
5
00:00:12,643 --> 00:00:17,046
And he's shining a salute
to the American race
6
00:00:18,916 --> 00:00:22,318
Oh, boy, it's swell to say
7
00:00:22,353 --> 00:00:24,320
Good...
Good morning, USA
8
00:00:24,355 --> 00:00:25,855
Aah!
9
00:00:25,975 --> 00:00:32,592
Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com
10
00:00:33,097 --> 00:00:34,831
(creaking)
11
00:00:34,865 --> 00:00:36,332
I got to tell you.
12
00:00:36,367 --> 00:00:38,101
I love the "boys
night in" concept.
13
00:00:38,135 --> 00:00:41,170
Two dudes just letting it
all hang out.
14
00:00:41,205 --> 00:00:43,473
(grunting)
15
00:00:43,507 --> 00:00:44,907
What are you doing?
16
00:00:44,942 --> 00:00:47,844
Stan, just get the prostate
surgery, you cheapskate.
17
00:00:47,878 --> 00:00:49,679
No, I'm trying
to wear out this chair.
18
00:00:49,713 --> 00:00:51,314
Francine won't let me
buy a La-Z-Boy
19
00:00:51,348 --> 00:00:52,515
until this one breaks.
20
00:00:52,549 --> 00:00:54,450
You can buy a La-Z-Boy?
21
00:00:54,485 --> 00:00:56,519
I thought you could only
win them on game shows.
22
00:00:56,553 --> 00:00:57,954
I would love one of those.
23
00:00:57,988 --> 00:00:59,689
Scoot over, I'll help.
24
00:00:59,723 --> 00:01:01,724
(both grunting)
25
00:01:04,161 --> 00:01:07,330
Finally tonight, Terry and I
have some wonderful news:
26
00:01:07,364 --> 00:01:09,899
We're adopting
a ten-year-old Russian boy.
27
00:01:09,934 --> 00:01:12,235
That's right, Greg, and
we invite you to join us
28
00:01:12,269 --> 00:01:14,003
as we turn the
camera on ourselves
29
00:01:14,038 --> 00:01:16,773
in a four-part series
we're calling...
30
00:01:16,807 --> 00:01:18,775
NARRATOR (reading):
31
00:01:18,809 --> 00:01:21,010
People often ask us,
"How happy are you
32
00:01:21,045 --> 00:01:23,379
that you were able to adopt
your gorgeous daughter?"
33
00:01:23,414 --> 00:01:25,515
And the answer is, happy...
34
00:01:25,549 --> 00:01:26,916
ish?
35
00:01:26,951 --> 00:01:28,384
Plus we realizedwe still needed something
36
00:01:28,419 --> 00:01:30,853
to fill our empty third bedroom.
37
00:01:30,888 --> 00:01:33,456
NARRATOR:
And that thing was a son.
38
00:01:33,490 --> 00:01:34,891
Follow Greg and Terry's journey
39
00:01:34,925 --> 00:01:38,728
as they open their hearts to...
40
00:01:38,762 --> 00:01:39,996
Oh, Greg, look!
41
00:01:40,030 --> 00:01:42,065
That's the public toilet
where we fell in love!
42
00:01:42,099 --> 00:01:43,066
(door shuts)
43
00:01:43,100 --> 00:01:44,300
Look at this.
44
00:01:44,335 --> 00:01:45,668
Greg and Terry are adopting
45
00:01:45,703 --> 00:01:47,670
a little boy from Russia.
46
00:01:47,705 --> 00:01:49,472
And they invited us
to the shower!
47
00:01:49,506 --> 00:01:50,473
Pass.
Pass.
48
00:01:50,507 --> 00:01:51,741
Well, too bad.
49
00:01:51,775 --> 00:01:53,276
They're our neighbors
and our friends.
50
00:01:53,310 --> 00:01:54,744
And we're all going.
51
00:01:54,778 --> 00:01:56,613
(sighs) Fine, I'll go.
52
00:01:56,647 --> 00:01:57,847
But only because I like playing
53
00:01:57,881 --> 00:01:59,115
with that awesome
baton collection
54
00:01:59,149 --> 00:02:00,316
they keep under their bed.
55
00:02:00,351 --> 00:02:01,818
Stan...
56
00:02:01,852 --> 00:02:04,821
just wash your hands after.
57
00:02:06,190 --> 00:02:08,191
Yes! We wore out the chair!
58
00:02:08,225 --> 00:02:09,592
Bring on the La-Z-Boy!
59
00:02:09,627 --> 00:02:12,595
Looks like it's time for
a little spring cleaning.
60
00:02:12,630 --> 00:02:14,631
(laughing)
61
00:02:17,201 --> 00:02:19,569
Okay, Stan, it
wasn't that funny.
62
00:02:19,603 --> 00:02:20,970
Stop it, Stan.
63
00:02:21,005 --> 00:02:22,572
Stan, stop it!
64
00:02:22,606 --> 00:02:23,673
You're scaring me!
65
00:02:23,707 --> 00:02:24,974
Francine, get in here!
66
00:02:25,009 --> 00:02:26,976
It's happening again!
67
00:02:27,011 --> 00:02:28,344
(laughing)
68
00:02:28,379 --> 00:02:30,847
(indistinct chatter)
69
00:02:31,982 --> 00:02:33,783
Thanks for picking up
the shower gift, Roger.
70
00:02:33,817 --> 00:02:34,851
No problem.
71
00:02:34,885 --> 00:02:37,020
I just Googled
"Russian Boy Toys."
72
00:02:37,054 --> 00:02:38,655
Then I grabbed a nap,
hopped in the shower,
73
00:02:38,689 --> 00:02:39,889
and went to Toys "R" Us.
74
00:02:39,924 --> 00:02:41,190
(doorbell rings)
75
00:02:41,225 --> 00:02:42,505
It's so cool that Greg and Terry
76
00:02:42,526 --> 00:02:43,993
are adopting another child.
77
00:02:44,028 --> 00:02:46,896
Although it is a shame they
couldn't conceive naturally.
78
00:02:46,931 --> 00:02:49,265
Lord knows how much
I hear them trying.
79
00:02:49,300 --> 00:02:50,667
(music playing, people conversing)
Welcome, Smiths.
80
00:02:50,701 --> 00:02:52,035
Come in.
81
00:02:53,337 --> 00:02:54,704
(Roger gasps)
82
00:02:54,738 --> 00:02:57,207
Where am I?
83
00:02:57,241 --> 00:02:58,608
This music.
84
00:02:58,642 --> 00:03:00,877
The mind-blowing furniture.
85
00:03:00,911 --> 00:03:02,712
The spectacular people
who look like
86
00:03:02,746 --> 00:03:04,848
they all must have passports.
87
00:03:04,882 --> 00:03:06,216
Bonsoir, mes amis.
88
00:03:06,250 --> 00:03:07,383
Champagne?
89
00:03:07,418 --> 00:03:09,485
Check it out--
two chicks dancing.
90
00:03:09,520 --> 00:03:13,022
ROGER:
They're making a statement.
91
00:03:13,057 --> 00:03:15,825
I don't understand it,
but I want to so bad!
92
00:03:15,860 --> 00:03:17,927
O-M-triple-G!
93
00:03:17,962 --> 00:03:20,096
Is that Liev Schreiber?!
94
00:03:20,130 --> 00:03:23,733
Yeah, the Tesla's completely
reversed my carbon footprint.
95
00:03:23,767 --> 00:03:27,136
Every time I start the car,
I'm giving back to the Earth.
96
00:03:27,171 --> 00:03:28,972
That's both
environmentally friendly
97
00:03:29,006 --> 00:03:30,740
and you're Liev Schreiber!
98
00:03:30,774 --> 00:03:31,841
It's incredible!
99
00:03:31,876 --> 00:03:33,910
As is that scarf.
100
00:03:33,944 --> 00:03:35,578
But tell me, Liev Schreiber,
101
00:03:35,613 --> 00:03:37,514
why are you
still wearing it inside?
102
00:03:37,548 --> 00:03:39,516
It's just part of my outfit.
103
00:03:40,584 --> 00:03:42,919
This is good.
104
00:03:42,953 --> 00:03:45,421
(insects chirring)
105
00:03:45,456 --> 00:03:46,789
(tapping glass)
106
00:03:46,824 --> 00:03:48,691
We want thank you all
so much for coming.
107
00:03:48,726 --> 00:03:51,261
And even though Michael doesn't
arrive until tomorrow,
108
00:03:51,295 --> 00:03:53,062
we know he'd want us
to experience
109
00:03:53,097 --> 00:03:55,532
the joy of opening
his gifts for him.
110
00:03:57,268 --> 00:03:59,135
A Waterford Crystal teddy bear!
111
00:03:59,170 --> 00:04:00,203
ALL: Aw!
112
00:04:03,941 --> 00:04:07,811
You guys, an authentic
17th century chaise longue?
113
00:04:07,845 --> 00:04:10,146
Ah, our new son will go
perfectly with this.
114
00:04:10,181 --> 00:04:11,247
Fabulous, fabulous.
Wonderful.
115
00:04:11,282 --> 00:04:13,783
(indistinct chatter)
116
00:04:15,152 --> 00:04:17,187
Okay, what fabulous gift
should we open next?
117
00:04:17,221 --> 00:04:18,955
Stan's Uncle Roger!
118
00:04:18,989 --> 00:04:20,089
You're going the wrong way.
119
00:04:20,124 --> 00:04:21,925
Get over here with that gift!
120
00:04:23,461 --> 00:04:26,396
A-Actually, I might've
mis-shopped, heh.
121
00:04:26,430 --> 00:04:28,064
Clown wrapping paper?
122
00:04:28,099 --> 00:04:29,132
How kitsch!
123
00:04:29,166 --> 00:04:30,266
Oh, oh, you love the paper?
124
00:04:30,301 --> 00:04:31,534
That-that's the gift!
125
00:04:31,569 --> 00:04:34,637
Response achieved!
126
00:04:34,672 --> 00:04:38,174
It's some sort of tote bag
with what appears to be a...
127
00:04:38,209 --> 00:04:39,943
man-spider?
128
00:04:39,977 --> 00:04:41,344
You don't know
Spider-Man?
129
00:04:41,378 --> 00:04:43,480
He sticks to walls like this.
130
00:04:47,518 --> 00:04:48,752
This cheese is too hot.
131
00:04:48,786 --> 00:04:49,986
It's not sticking.
132
00:04:52,189 --> 00:04:55,024
I've never been so humiliated!
133
00:04:55,059 --> 00:04:57,961
Roger, the Spider-Man
backpack was a fine gift.
134
00:04:57,995 --> 00:04:58,962
No, it wasn't!
135
00:04:58,996 --> 00:05:00,697
Greg and Terry have culture.
136
00:05:00,731 --> 00:05:03,633
Something which is severely
lacking in this household.
137
00:05:03,667 --> 00:05:04,801
That's not true.
138
00:05:04,835 --> 00:05:07,470
Ugh, Francine, the food
at that party was gross.
139
00:05:07,505 --> 00:05:09,005
Please tell me
we got pizza poppers.
140
00:05:09,039 --> 00:05:11,041
Pizza poppers?!
141
00:05:11,075 --> 00:05:12,909
Puh-puh-puh-pizza popper
142
00:05:12,943 --> 00:05:14,677
Pizza popper
143
00:05:14,712 --> 00:05:16,780
Pizza popper dance!
144
00:05:16,814 --> 00:05:18,615
Make mine puh-puh-pepperoni!
145
00:05:18,649 --> 00:05:20,717
Make mine puh-puh-puh-pineapple!
146
00:05:20,751 --> 00:05:23,553
Greg and Terry's daughter
speaks French and only French!
147
00:05:23,587 --> 00:05:25,321
Roger, you're overreacting.
148
00:05:25,356 --> 00:05:26,756
Okay, we're plenty
sophisticated here.
149
00:05:26,791 --> 00:05:27,957
(doorbell rings)
150
00:05:30,628 --> 00:05:32,896
Someone order a La-Z-Boy?
151
00:05:32,930 --> 00:05:34,631
A La-Z-Boy-- perfect!
152
00:05:34,665 --> 00:05:36,399
That only proves my point!
153
00:05:36,434 --> 00:05:39,069
Hey, yesterday, you were as
excited about it as I was!
154
00:05:39,103 --> 00:05:40,770
That was when
I thought a recliner
155
00:05:40,805 --> 00:05:42,338
was the height of aspiration.
156
00:05:42,373 --> 00:05:43,773
It's all so clear to me now.
157
00:05:43,808 --> 00:05:46,053
I'm Frasier and
you're Frasier's dad.
158
00:05:46,158 --> 00:05:47,858
That's not true.
159
00:05:47,893 --> 00:05:49,927
(barks)
160
00:05:49,961 --> 00:05:52,029
That was weird, but well timed.
161
00:05:52,063 --> 00:05:54,465
Anyway, this is not
my fault, it's yours!
162
00:05:54,499 --> 00:05:56,400
If I hadn't wasted
all these years
163
00:05:56,434 --> 00:05:57,868
with you ill-mannered
monsters,
164
00:05:57,903 --> 00:05:59,303
I would've known
better than to give
165
00:05:59,337 --> 00:06:01,338
a Spider-Man
backpack as a gift!
166
00:06:01,373 --> 00:06:04,108
You guys have dragged
me down to your level!
167
00:06:04,142 --> 00:06:05,142
(door slams)
168
00:06:05,177 --> 00:06:06,477
(door slams twice)
169
00:06:06,511 --> 00:06:07,678
I broke the door!
170
00:06:07,712 --> 00:06:09,113
(door slams) Fixed it!
171
00:06:09,147 --> 00:06:11,015
Wow, he's really upset.
172
00:06:11,049 --> 00:06:12,349
Francine, I'm sure he...
173
00:06:12,384 --> 00:06:14,819
Ah!
174
00:06:14,853 --> 00:06:16,854
Stan, are you all right?
175
00:06:16,888 --> 00:06:18,055
Stan?
176
00:06:18,090 --> 00:06:19,957
Stan, can you hear me?!
177
00:06:19,991 --> 00:06:21,192
Daddy?!
178
00:06:21,226 --> 00:06:23,227
The chair has him now.
179
00:06:27,566 --> 00:06:29,366
Stan, wake up.
180
00:06:29,401 --> 00:06:31,869
You've been down here all night.
181
00:06:31,903 --> 00:06:33,804
Oh, Fran-Fran.
182
00:06:33,839 --> 00:06:35,606
Hi, baby.
183
00:06:35,640 --> 00:06:37,575
How are you?
184
00:06:37,609 --> 00:06:39,377
Oh, you're so pretty.
185
00:06:39,411 --> 00:06:41,645
Look how relaxed my muscles are.
186
00:06:44,082 --> 00:06:46,584
GREG (on TV): Well, the big
moment is finally here.
187
00:06:46,618 --> 00:06:49,687
We're about to meet our new son.
It's really happening.
188
00:06:49,721 --> 00:06:52,656
Michael. Michael, it's us.
Your new parents.
189
00:06:54,259 --> 00:06:56,360
Oh, my God, he's perfect!
190
00:06:56,395 --> 00:06:57,862
Paposhkas.
191
00:06:57,896 --> 00:07:00,664
Roger is their adopted baby?
192
00:07:00,699 --> 00:07:02,033
But that can't be.
193
00:07:02,067 --> 00:07:04,135
I just saw Roger
sleeping in the attic.
194
00:07:04,169 --> 00:07:06,670
He was two pillows
and a soccer ball.
195
00:07:06,705 --> 00:07:09,673
Oh, wait a minute.
196
00:07:13,957 --> 00:07:16,044
Welcome to your
new room, Michael.
197
00:07:16,269 --> 00:07:18,337
(Russian accent): So,
what is system in America?
198
00:07:18,371 --> 00:07:21,273
Do I put sock on door
handle if I am being raped?
199
00:07:21,307 --> 00:07:22,408
(clears throat)
200
00:07:22,442 --> 00:07:25,044
Guys, can you give us a second?
201
00:07:25,078 --> 00:07:26,679
Michael,
we're happy you're here,
202
00:07:26,713 --> 00:07:28,681
but you're gonna
have to lose the nasty accent.
203
00:07:28,715 --> 00:07:29,948
It's nasty, nasty.
204
00:07:29,983 --> 00:07:31,550
(speaks normally): Sure,
no problem, how's this?
205
00:07:31,584 --> 00:07:33,319
I told you he'd be a genius.
206
00:07:33,353 --> 00:07:35,387
The trick to parenting
is patience.
207
00:07:35,422 --> 00:07:38,057
Now, what sophisticated
stuff are we gonna do first?
208
00:07:38,091 --> 00:07:40,359
Michael,
this is your Life Binder.
209
00:07:40,393 --> 00:07:42,061
Your new daddies
have already planned out
210
00:07:42,095 --> 00:07:44,563
your entire future
with color-coded tabs.
211
00:07:44,597 --> 00:07:48,968
I'll treasure this for the rest
of my color-coded life.
212
00:07:49,002 --> 00:07:50,903
Okay, now, to bed with you.
213
00:07:50,937 --> 00:07:53,739
This antique chaise
longue is my bed?
214
00:07:53,773 --> 00:07:56,308
Yes, and this is
400-year-old wood,
215
00:07:56,343 --> 00:07:58,711
so you have to
sleep very carefully.
216
00:07:58,745 --> 00:08:00,846
Yeah, try not to put
all your weight on it.
217
00:08:04,951 --> 00:08:06,418
(wood creaks)
218
00:08:06,453 --> 00:08:08,420
Snuggly.
219
00:08:08,455 --> 00:08:10,089
Sweet dreams, angel.
220
00:08:12,592 --> 00:08:14,593
(light knocking on glass)
221
00:08:20,367 --> 00:08:22,401
Roger, you have to
come home right now.
222
00:08:22,435 --> 00:08:23,836
Get lost, this is my home now.
223
00:08:23,870 --> 00:08:25,304
Yeah? Well, what
are you gonna do
224
00:08:25,338 --> 00:08:26,905
when the actual
Russian kid shows up?
225
00:08:26,940 --> 00:08:28,440
Oh, I took care of that.
226
00:08:33,313 --> 00:08:35,547
(speaking Russian)
227
00:08:35,582 --> 00:08:36,982
Right here, honey.
228
00:08:37,017 --> 00:08:38,584
(screams)
229
00:08:38,618 --> 00:08:40,352
They have big plans for me.
230
00:08:40,387 --> 00:08:43,589
By February, I'll have mastered
conversational Japanese.
231
00:08:43,623 --> 00:08:46,292
And I think I saw something
in here about Dartmouth.
232
00:08:46,326 --> 00:08:48,260
Yup, I'm going to Dartmouth.
233
00:08:48,295 --> 00:08:49,962
Dartmouth fight song
234
00:08:49,996 --> 00:08:51,630
Dartmouth fight song.
235
00:08:51,665 --> 00:08:52,986
Those words
probably aren't right,
236
00:08:52,999 --> 00:08:55,167
but I got a fifty-fifty shot
the tune's dead-on.
237
00:08:55,201 --> 00:08:57,303
Ugh, quit pretending
you're something you're not.
238
00:08:57,337 --> 00:08:59,238
I know exactly who I am.
239
00:08:59,272 --> 00:09:01,407
I wasted years
in that double-wide trailer
240
00:09:01,441 --> 00:09:02,908
you call a house.
241
00:09:02,943 --> 00:09:05,110
You've given me nothing
and I deserve everything.
242
00:09:05,145 --> 00:09:07,112
I've given you nothing?
243
00:09:07,147 --> 00:09:09,114
You... betrayer.
244
00:09:09,149 --> 00:09:10,583
Roger, you are
coming home with me
245
00:09:10,617 --> 00:09:12,051
if I have to drag you out.
246
00:09:12,085 --> 00:09:13,786
Oh, really? 'Cause from here,
247
00:09:13,820 --> 00:09:16,222
you're a grown man standing
in a ten-year-old's bedroom
248
00:09:16,256 --> 00:09:18,657
after bedtime. Paposhkas!
249
00:09:18,692 --> 00:09:20,492
Stan?
250
00:09:20,527 --> 00:09:22,428
Oh, hi, I'm, uh...
251
00:09:22,462 --> 00:09:25,130
selling magazine subscriptions
and we're offering
252
00:09:25,165 --> 00:09:26,832
a two-year deal
on House Beautiful.
253
00:09:26,866 --> 00:09:29,068
(gasps) This is
a Dwell household.
254
00:09:29,102 --> 00:09:30,202
Get out of here.
255
00:09:30,237 --> 00:09:33,038
Fine, I'm leaving.
256
00:09:33,073 --> 00:09:35,441
(Russian accent): Bad man
remind me of caretaker
257
00:09:35,475 --> 00:09:37,643
at orphanage
who touch us with rake.
258
00:09:37,677 --> 00:09:39,645
Oh, Michael...
259
00:09:39,679 --> 00:09:41,747
accent.
260
00:09:44,284 --> 00:09:46,518
Okay, children.
Quick, organic breakfast,
261
00:09:46,553 --> 00:09:49,154
and then you, mademoiselle,
are going downtown
262
00:09:49,189 --> 00:09:52,324
to get your very own
Lena Dunham upper arm tattoo.
263
00:09:52,359 --> 00:09:54,426
I like Lena Dunham.
It's nice to see
264
00:09:54,461 --> 00:09:56,428
someone with my exact
body type succeed.
265
00:09:56,463 --> 00:09:58,430
Terry, hon, you want to
make us something easy?
266
00:09:58,465 --> 00:09:59,932
Say, frittatas?
267
00:09:59,966 --> 00:10:01,567
Coming right up.
268
00:10:02,802 --> 00:10:04,003
Violent.
269
00:10:04,037 --> 00:10:05,971
Those eggs are
not cage-free.
270
00:10:06,006 --> 00:10:08,107
The store was out,
I-I didn't think it mattered.
271
00:10:08,141 --> 00:10:09,375
Of course it matters.
272
00:10:09,409 --> 00:10:11,710
I'm very particular
about what I put in my body.
273
00:10:11,745 --> 00:10:14,179
Yeah, unless you're on
a booze cruise in Mazatl?n.
274
00:10:14,214 --> 00:10:16,949
Might I remind you
that you selected him.
275
00:10:16,983 --> 00:10:18,450
I'm going out to get more eggs.
276
00:10:18,485 --> 00:10:20,586
The kind of eggs
I thought we'd agreed to eat
277
00:10:20,620 --> 00:10:22,321
for the rest of our lives.
278
00:10:22,355 --> 00:10:23,856
(door slams shut)
279
00:10:26,359 --> 00:10:28,427
Secret junk food time.
280
00:10:28,461 --> 00:10:30,229
Quick, eat up.
281
00:10:30,263 --> 00:10:31,730
He'll be back in 15 minutes.
282
00:10:31,765 --> 00:10:33,165
Wha... What
are you doing?
283
00:10:33,200 --> 00:10:34,366
Taking a little break
284
00:10:34,401 --> 00:10:36,402
from Greg's impossibly
high expectations.
285
00:10:36,436 --> 00:10:38,537
Wait a minute, I
thought you were Greg.
286
00:10:38,572 --> 00:10:39,805
No, I'm Terry.
287
00:10:39,839 --> 00:10:41,941
Anyway, everything has
to be so perfect with him.
288
00:10:41,975 --> 00:10:44,210
But, you know,
sometimes you just want a Ho Ho.
289
00:10:44,244 --> 00:10:45,211
Eat up!
290
00:10:45,245 --> 00:10:47,112
Oh, my God!
291
00:10:47,147 --> 00:10:49,114
Papa, you're not sophisticated!
292
00:10:49,149 --> 00:10:51,584
You're a brute!
I mean, Ho Hos are...
293
00:10:55,188 --> 00:10:57,156
Our little secret?
294
00:10:57,190 --> 00:10:58,924
You're really bad at eating.
295
00:10:58,959 --> 00:11:01,994
(bird chirping)
296
00:11:02,028 --> 00:11:03,729
Dad, why are we
putting all this stuff
297
00:11:03,763 --> 00:11:05,431
from the garage out on the lawn?
298
00:11:05,465 --> 00:11:07,099
Roger said we have no class?
299
00:11:07,133 --> 00:11:08,500
Well, the crappier our house,
300
00:11:08,535 --> 00:11:10,669
the more Roger
and his new highbrow family
301
00:11:10,704 --> 00:11:12,705
will hate living across from us.
302
00:11:14,207 --> 00:11:16,442
Uh, how much for
this old fridge?
303
00:11:16,476 --> 00:11:18,477
Oh, this isn't a yard sale,
it's yard clutter.
304
00:11:18,512 --> 00:11:20,145
But feel free to stick around,
305
00:11:20,180 --> 00:11:23,249
smoke, maybe defecate by a bush.
306
00:11:23,283 --> 00:11:25,851
Ah, I should go to work.
307
00:11:25,886 --> 00:11:26,919
(door opens)
308
00:11:29,489 --> 00:11:30,656
Hey, neighbors!
309
00:11:30,690 --> 00:11:32,758
Oh, my God, what is he doing?!
310
00:11:32,792 --> 00:11:34,527
I'll take care of this.
311
00:11:36,363 --> 00:11:38,998
Your chair's in the sightline
of my fabulous life.
312
00:11:39,032 --> 00:11:40,299
Get it inside.
313
00:11:40,333 --> 00:11:43,269
Oh, am I an eyesore
to your perfect little world?
314
00:11:43,303 --> 00:11:44,637
At least I'm not an ear-sore.
315
00:11:44,671 --> 00:11:45,871
Or maybe I am.
316
00:11:50,110 --> 00:11:52,244
(plays "Life Is a Highway")
317
00:11:52,279 --> 00:11:53,546
You're a classless lout!
318
00:11:53,580 --> 00:11:55,981
What's that?
You want it loud?
319
00:11:56,016 --> 00:11:57,149
(volume increases)
320
00:11:57,184 --> 00:11:59,051
Yeah!
321
00:11:59,085 --> 00:12:01,420
Life is a highway
322
00:12:01,454 --> 00:12:03,689
I wanna ride it
323
00:12:03,723 --> 00:12:06,692
All night long, oh!
324
00:12:06,726 --> 00:12:07,993
Uh!
325
00:12:10,463 --> 00:12:12,331
I have permission!
326
00:12:17,070 --> 00:12:18,304
(sighs)
327
00:12:18,338 --> 00:12:19,472
What's wrong?
328
00:12:19,506 --> 00:12:21,173
Has the fish turned?
329
00:12:21,208 --> 00:12:23,876
No, the food is resplendent,
but I can't eat.
330
00:12:23,910 --> 00:12:26,412
I just keep seeing Stan
in that terrible chair.
331
00:12:26,446 --> 00:12:29,148
Uh! I know, that
La-Z-Boy. Yuck.
332
00:12:29,182 --> 00:12:31,817
You know what we should do,
just to teach him a lesson?
333
00:12:31,852 --> 00:12:33,919
We should get one
of those chairs.
334
00:12:33,954 --> 00:12:35,354
What?!
You're kidding, right?
335
00:12:35,388 --> 00:12:37,556
Well, we'd buy it
ironically, of course.
336
00:12:37,591 --> 00:12:38,858
And since it's my idea,
337
00:12:38,892 --> 00:12:40,759
I'd sit in it most of the time.
338
00:12:40,794 --> 00:12:42,328
You know, mockingly.
339
00:12:42,362 --> 00:12:44,430
No, no, bad idea!
Greg, tell him!
340
00:12:44,464 --> 00:12:46,432
Hmm...
So it's...
341
00:12:46,466 --> 00:12:49,134
satirical home decor
performance art.
342
00:12:49,169 --> 00:12:50,569
I'm starting to see this.
343
00:12:50,604 --> 00:12:51,971
What's happening right now?!
344
00:12:52,005 --> 00:12:54,240
Ooh, and you know what'd
make Stan really mad?
345
00:12:54,274 --> 00:12:55,875
If I fell asleep
in the La-Z-Boy
346
00:12:55,909 --> 00:12:58,144
a few nights a week
watching reruns of Martin.
347
00:12:58,178 --> 00:13:00,012
Oh, he would hate that!
348
00:13:00,046 --> 00:13:02,948
Excuse me a moment.
349
00:13:02,983 --> 00:13:04,583
A La-Z-Boy?
350
00:13:04,618 --> 00:13:06,652
And he convinced Greg
to go along with it?
351
00:13:06,686 --> 00:13:08,854
I didn't throw an orphan
out of an airplane
352
00:13:08,889 --> 00:13:10,422
just to have Terry drag me back
353
00:13:10,457 --> 00:13:12,224
to a life of unsophistication!
354
00:13:12,259 --> 00:13:14,460
I clearly have no choice.
355
00:13:14,494 --> 00:13:16,328
I have to kill Terry.
356
00:13:16,363 --> 00:13:17,763
MAN:
You're gonna kill who?
357
00:13:17,798 --> 00:13:19,732
You heard me?
358
00:13:19,766 --> 00:13:21,634
Now you have to die, too.
359
00:13:21,668 --> 00:13:22,835
What about me?
360
00:13:22,869 --> 00:13:24,703
Okay, how many people
are in this bathroom?
361
00:13:24,738 --> 00:13:25,938
If you're in the bathroom,
362
00:13:25,972 --> 00:13:27,773
please step out
where I can see you.
363
00:13:30,043 --> 00:13:31,944
The Washington Wizards pep team?
364
00:13:31,978 --> 00:13:33,512
You guys all fit in there?
365
00:13:33,547 --> 00:13:34,747
We do everything together.
366
00:13:34,781 --> 00:13:35,948
T-shirt time!
367
00:13:35,982 --> 00:13:37,216
Go, Wizards!
Go, Wizards!
368
00:13:37,250 --> 00:13:38,584
Over here!
Over here!
369
00:13:38,618 --> 00:13:41,153
I'm the loudest! I got the most pep!
Free T-shirt.
370
00:13:41,188 --> 00:13:43,155
Give me your shirt
and I'll let everyone live.
371
00:13:43,190 --> 00:13:45,391
No way, man.
I want this to sleep in.
372
00:13:45,425 --> 00:13:46,992
Well, then everybody's
getting it!
373
00:13:47,027 --> 00:13:48,661
Oh, I only have six bullets.
374
00:13:48,695 --> 00:13:50,029
All right, everybody stay here.
375
00:13:50,063 --> 00:13:52,398
I gotta, I gotta go
get more of something.
376
00:13:55,940 --> 00:13:57,907
(snarling)
377
00:14:02,580 --> 00:14:04,314
(barking)
378
00:14:06,984 --> 00:14:08,852
Stan, work's calling.
379
00:14:08,886 --> 00:14:10,487
Just explain to them
what I'm doing.
380
00:14:10,521 --> 00:14:14,858
Uh... uh...
381
00:14:14,892 --> 00:14:16,659
okay.
382
00:14:16,694 --> 00:14:18,128
(barking continues)
383
00:14:18,696 --> 00:14:19,896
There he is.
384
00:14:19,930 --> 00:14:23,099
Okay, Manslaughter,
it's showtime!
385
00:14:23,134 --> 00:14:25,101
(barking viciously)
386
00:14:25,136 --> 00:14:27,137
(barking continues)
387
00:14:33,544 --> 00:14:35,178
What the hell is he up to?
388
00:14:38,249 --> 00:14:39,449
What are you doing?
389
00:14:39,483 --> 00:14:40,884
That's Terry's brake line!
390
00:14:40,918 --> 00:14:43,186
Wait-- are you trying
to kill Terry?!
391
00:14:44,388 --> 00:14:46,089
Daddies!
392
00:14:46,123 --> 00:14:47,624
He's scaring me again.
393
00:14:47,658 --> 00:14:50,026
With his gruff voice
and farmer hands.
394
00:14:50,061 --> 00:14:51,494
Guys, there's something
you should know!
395
00:14:51,529 --> 00:14:53,496
Michael isn't who
you think he is!
396
00:14:53,531 --> 00:14:57,033
Stan, your insane fixation
on Michael is unsettling.
397
00:14:57,068 --> 00:15:00,003
I'm gonna have to ask you
to leave our family alone.
398
00:15:00,037 --> 00:15:02,205
But you're in danger!
You've gotta believe me!
399
00:15:03,240 --> 00:15:04,841
(sighs)
400
00:15:04,875 --> 00:15:06,843
Hey, how are the
magazine sales going?
401
00:15:06,877 --> 00:15:08,845
I've only sold
three subscriptions.
402
00:15:08,879 --> 00:15:10,347
You gotta stay upbeat, Stan.
403
00:15:10,381 --> 00:15:12,916
Marcus is two sales away
from the skateboard.
404
00:15:12,950 --> 00:15:14,851
Marcus's dad is a dentist!
405
00:15:14,885 --> 00:15:17,220
He's just restocking
his waiting room!
406
00:15:17,254 --> 00:15:18,722
Okay, we're not gonna let weird,
407
00:15:18,756 --> 00:15:20,523
ol' Stan Smith spoil
our surprise,
408
00:15:20,558 --> 00:15:22,459
are we,
Corbin-Bates family?
409
00:15:22,493 --> 00:15:24,728
Skinny jeans for Michael!
410
00:15:24,762 --> 00:15:27,330
I can't wait to see them on you.
411
00:15:31,669 --> 00:15:32,936
(grunting)
412
00:15:34,905 --> 00:15:36,006
(chuckles)
413
00:15:36,040 --> 00:15:37,774
You don't...
you don't happen to have
414
00:15:37,808 --> 00:15:39,409
any Spanx lying around, do you?
415
00:15:41,012 --> 00:15:42,245
(grunting)
416
00:15:42,279 --> 00:15:44,414
Stop it, Greg!
He's not gonna fit!
417
00:15:44,448 --> 00:15:45,915
They're past my ankles,
keep pulling.
418
00:15:45,950 --> 00:15:47,150
I'll do better!
419
00:15:47,184 --> 00:15:48,718
(grunts) Great.
420
00:15:48,753 --> 00:15:50,286
We were all gonna wear
skinny jeans
421
00:15:50,321 --> 00:15:52,122
and no shirts
for our Christmas photo.
422
00:15:52,156 --> 00:15:54,457
But now it's ruined,
it's all ruined!
423
00:15:54,492 --> 00:15:56,459
It's okay.
424
00:15:56,494 --> 00:15:58,128
Look, we're all way
too stressed out.
425
00:15:58,162 --> 00:16:00,030
Why don't we just take
a relaxing trip
426
00:16:00,064 --> 00:16:01,131
to the lake house?
427
00:16:01,165 --> 00:16:04,067
You have a lake house?
428
00:16:07,772 --> 00:16:09,806
It's gonna be nice
to get out of town
429
00:16:09,840 --> 00:16:12,442
and away from that ape across the street.
I hear ya.
430
00:16:12,476 --> 00:16:14,511
Actually, now that we
have a minute to breathe,
431
00:16:14,545 --> 00:16:16,613
there's something I need
to talk to you about.
432
00:16:16,647 --> 00:16:18,415
I found these used
Ho Ho wrappers
433
00:16:18,449 --> 00:16:19,883
in the outside garbage.
434
00:16:19,917 --> 00:16:21,217
Oh.
That's right.
435
00:16:21,252 --> 00:16:22,986
It seems as though
Michael has brought
436
00:16:23,020 --> 00:16:24,954
a rather trashy element
into our home.
437
00:16:24,989 --> 00:16:27,057
Oh, y-yeah, Michael.
438
00:16:27,091 --> 00:16:28,731
Those Ho Hos definitely
belong to Michael.
439
00:16:28,759 --> 00:16:30,760
The moment we get
to the lake house,
440
00:16:30,795 --> 00:16:32,996
you and I have
to confront him about this.
441
00:16:33,030 --> 00:16:35,598
I will not tolerate the
deterioration of our way of life.
442
00:16:35,633 --> 00:16:37,067
That's a great idea.
443
00:16:37,101 --> 00:16:40,070
Yeah, let's confront Michael
when we get there.
444
00:16:40,104 --> 00:16:42,606
TERRY: If Greg talks to
him, Michael will out me!
445
00:16:42,640 --> 00:16:44,074
I'll lose everything!
446
00:16:44,108 --> 00:16:46,409
I have no choice.
447
00:16:46,444 --> 00:16:49,913
Before they can talk,I have to kill Michael.
448
00:16:50,982 --> 00:16:52,983
(brakes squeak)
449
00:16:54,785 --> 00:16:57,187
Hey. We still up for this?
450
00:16:57,221 --> 00:16:58,655
Still gonna kill this guy?
451
00:16:58,689 --> 00:17:00,857
Yes! Shut up!
You're gonna blow it!
452
00:17:00,891 --> 00:17:03,760
Oh, it's beautiful here.
453
00:17:03,794 --> 00:17:05,095
Hey, I got an idea.
454
00:17:05,129 --> 00:17:08,431
Maybe Terry and I could go out
on the lake... alone.
455
00:17:08,466 --> 00:17:09,866
Actually, Michael,
there's something
456
00:17:09,900 --> 00:17:11,868
Terry and I wanted
to discuss with you.
457
00:17:11,902 --> 00:17:13,269
No, no, no, that can wait.
458
00:17:13,304 --> 00:17:14,537
A canoe trip, you say?
459
00:17:14,572 --> 00:17:16,239
Just the two of us?
Nobody around?
460
00:17:16,274 --> 00:17:18,074
Sounds perfect.
461
00:17:21,178 --> 00:17:23,179
So what do you say, Little Miss?
462
00:17:25,883 --> 00:17:29,219
Hmm. I'm gonna have to talk
to your French teacher.
463
00:17:29,253 --> 00:17:31,221
(bird twittering)
464
00:17:31,255 --> 00:17:35,091
It's so peaceful
out here on the lake.
465
00:17:35,126 --> 00:17:37,093
I imagine the only place
more peaceful
466
00:17:37,128 --> 00:17:38,895
would be the bottom of it.
467
00:17:38,930 --> 00:17:41,831
You may be more right
than you know.
468
00:17:41,866 --> 00:17:45,302
Oh, I know exactly
how right I am.
469
00:17:45,336 --> 00:17:47,070
Or do you?
470
00:17:48,105 --> 00:17:49,372
This is nice.
471
00:17:49,407 --> 00:17:50,540
It is.
472
00:17:50,574 --> 00:17:52,042
Mind handing me the bug spray?
473
00:17:52,076 --> 00:17:53,510
It's behind you.
Of course.
474
00:17:54,745 --> 00:17:57,647
Thanks.
475
00:17:57,682 --> 00:17:59,149
Aren't you gonna use it?
476
00:17:59,183 --> 00:18:00,317
False alarm.
477
00:18:00,351 --> 00:18:01,918
Oh, you've got a bite
on your line.
478
00:18:01,953 --> 00:18:03,153
Catch anything?
479
00:18:03,187 --> 00:18:05,288
No. Turns out there was no pole,
480
00:18:05,323 --> 00:18:06,590
and I wasn't fishing.
481
00:18:06,624 --> 00:18:07,757
My mistake.
482
00:18:07,792 --> 00:18:10,994
Look behind you, it's
Cloris Leachman on a Jet Ski!
483
00:18:12,797 --> 00:18:14,564
What-what the hell's
going on?
484
00:18:14,599 --> 00:18:15,999
I'm trying to kill you.
485
00:18:16,033 --> 00:18:17,934
Kill me?!
I'm trying to kill you!
486
00:18:17,969 --> 00:18:19,903
(both grunt)
487
00:18:19,937 --> 00:18:21,871
Ho Hos? A La-Z-Boy?!
488
00:18:21,906 --> 00:18:25,475
I thought I was joining a classy
family, Terry, but you're...
489
00:18:25,509 --> 00:18:27,711
nothing better than
unsophisticated trash!
490
00:18:27,745 --> 00:18:30,747
That may be, but you're gonna
take my secret to the grave!
491
00:18:30,781 --> 00:18:32,282
Not if I kill you first.
492
00:18:32,316 --> 00:18:33,617
Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa,
we're tipping, we're tipping.
493
00:18:33,651 --> 00:18:34,818
Stop-stop-stop-stop-stop.
494
00:18:34,852 --> 00:18:36,052
Okay, you've got
to counterbalance.
495
00:18:36,087 --> 00:18:37,487
Just take your right foot
and let me ease by you.
496
00:18:37,521 --> 00:18:38,889
Okay, I'm gonna step
and step, step...
497
00:18:38,923 --> 00:18:40,056
Okay, there you go.
498
00:18:40,091 --> 00:18:42,425
Okay, enough circling.
It's die time!
499
00:18:42,460 --> 00:18:45,128
(grunts)
500
00:18:47,098 --> 00:18:49,299
I hope they got
the grill started.
501
00:18:49,333 --> 00:18:50,634
(line ringing)
GREG: Hey, babe!
502
00:18:50,668 --> 00:18:52,669
Oh, Greg, it's awful!
He fell overboard!
503
00:18:52,703 --> 00:18:54,971
Michael's dead! He's dead!
504
00:18:55,006 --> 00:18:57,240
Terry, just get a hold
of yourself! It's okay!
505
00:18:57,275 --> 00:18:59,376
He was never gonna
to fit in at Dartmouth.
506
00:18:59,410 --> 00:19:00,911
He didn't fit
in to the skinny jeans.
507
00:19:00,945 --> 00:19:03,413
He didn't... fit in.
508
00:19:03,447 --> 00:19:08,218
(voice breaks): I guess I wasn't
meant to have this kind of life.
509
00:19:09,253 --> 00:19:11,454
510
00:19:28,272 --> 00:19:30,173
Roger! Roger,
can you hear me?
511
00:19:30,208 --> 00:19:32,642
(blows air)
512
00:19:32,677 --> 00:19:33,510
(squeaks)
513
00:19:33,544 --> 00:19:35,178
Damn it, Roger!
514
00:19:35,213 --> 00:19:37,080
Oh, Stan, you saved me!
515
00:19:37,114 --> 00:19:38,114
Don't flatter yourself.
516
00:19:38,149 --> 00:19:39,649
I came here to save Terry.
517
00:19:39,684 --> 00:19:42,586
Oh, Stan, I'm so sorry
for the way I treated you.
518
00:19:42,620 --> 00:19:44,621
Please...
let me come home.
519
00:19:44,655 --> 00:19:45,689
I don't know.
520
00:19:45,723 --> 00:19:47,524
I thought our family
was beneath you.
521
00:19:47,558 --> 00:19:49,860
Of course you are.
But don't you see?
522
00:19:49,894 --> 00:19:52,229
You guys are my La-Z-Boy.
523
00:19:52,263 --> 00:19:54,064
Ugly but comfortable.
524
00:19:54,098 --> 00:19:56,199
And I wouldn't have it
any other way.
525
00:19:56,234 --> 00:19:58,201
Well, neither would I.
526
00:19:58,236 --> 00:20:00,437
Come on, Roger.
Let's head home.
527
00:20:00,471 --> 00:20:01,438
Sounds good.
528
00:20:01,472 --> 00:20:04,708
But first we gotta make
a quick stop...
529
00:20:04,742 --> 00:20:06,209
for pizza poppers.
530
00:20:06,244 --> 00:20:08,044
Make mine puh-puh-pepperoni!
531
00:20:08,079 --> 00:20:10,680
Make mine puh-puh-puh-Vicodin!
532
00:20:12,216 --> 00:20:15,018
It is with heavy hearts
that we inform our viewers
533
00:20:15,052 --> 00:20:17,220
that our adopted
Russian son, Michael,
534
00:20:17,255 --> 00:20:18,922
tragically drowned
in a mountain lake.
535
00:20:18,956 --> 00:20:20,590
We ask that in lieu of flowers,
536
00:20:20,625 --> 00:20:22,192
you send us
Crate & Barrel gift cards.
537
00:20:22,226 --> 00:20:23,393
(indistinct whispering)
538
00:20:23,427 --> 00:20:25,629
Restoration Hardware gift cards.
539
00:20:25,663 --> 00:20:28,098
Weird. So Terry thinks
he killed you
540
00:20:28,132 --> 00:20:29,733
and it doesn't faze him at all?
541
00:20:29,767 --> 00:20:31,001
That's just the end of it?
542
00:20:31,035 --> 00:20:32,202
I wouldn't say that.
543
00:20:36,908 --> 00:20:38,642
(screams)
544
00:20:40,058 --> 00:20:41,143
Well done.
545
00:20:41,263 --> 00:20:43,376
Being wet and bloated
was a nice touch.
546
00:20:43,496 --> 00:20:45,115
Bloated?
547
00:20:46,267 --> 00:20:49,189
Come on! Don't be that way!
Come back!
548
00:20:49,921 --> 00:20:52,370
(gasping)
Wh-what are you doing?!
549
00:20:52,622 --> 00:20:54,055
Tying up loose ends.
550
00:20:54,090 --> 00:21:04,628
Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com
551
00:21:04,678 --> 00:21:09,228
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0
38461
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