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1
00:00:01,334 --> 00:00:02,734
(upbeat march plays)
2
00:00:02,769 --> 00:00:05,437
Good morning, USA!
3
00:00:05,471 --> 00:00:09,374
I got a feeling that it's
gonna be a wonderful day
4
00:00:09,409 --> 00:00:12,344
The sun in the sky
has a smile on his face
5
00:00:12,378 --> 00:00:16,782
And he's shining a salute
to the American race
6
00:00:18,651 --> 00:00:22,054
Oh, boy, it's swell to say
7
00:00:22,088 --> 00:00:24,056
Good...
Good morning, USA
8
00:00:24,090 --> 00:00:25,591
Aah!
9
00:00:25,711 --> 00:00:32,241
Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com
10
00:00:32,832 --> 00:00:35,000
'Sup, comrades?
11
00:00:35,034 --> 00:00:36,268
Whoa, what's with the getup?
12
00:00:36,302 --> 00:00:38,303
You look like one of those
non-ethnic burglars
13
00:00:38,338 --> 00:00:39,638
in the home alarm commercials.
14
00:00:39,672 --> 00:00:41,874
Merely a cunning
disguise, Steve.
15
00:00:41,908 --> 00:00:44,643
I'm going undercover
at the Occupy rally today.
16
00:00:44,677 --> 00:00:47,179
Didn't that Occupy
movement blow over?
17
00:00:47,213 --> 00:00:48,780
But it didn't blow out.
18
00:00:48,815 --> 00:00:51,116
It's the anniversary rally
celebrating the day
19
00:00:51,150 --> 00:00:52,851
they didn't get
kicked out of that park.
20
00:00:52,886 --> 00:00:55,721
CIA's gotten word that
these anti-Americans
21
00:00:55,755 --> 00:00:57,222
are using this rally as a cover
22
00:00:57,257 --> 00:00:59,024
to plan a major
terrorist attack.
23
00:00:59,058 --> 00:01:01,193
Come on, Dad, they
aren't anti-American,
24
00:01:01,227 --> 00:01:02,561
they're anti-capitalist.
25
00:01:02,595 --> 00:01:05,230
And, you know, I think
they make a lot of good points
26
00:01:05,265 --> 00:01:07,185
about our culture's
veneration of the super rich.
27
00:01:08,107 --> 00:01:09,173
God, you're annoying.
28
00:01:09,208 --> 00:01:10,808
Everything you say is annoying.
29
00:01:10,843 --> 00:01:12,210
You want some coffee, Stan?
30
00:01:12,244 --> 00:01:14,746
I just got a new grind
from Delayna's Coffee.
31
00:01:14,780 --> 00:01:17,015
Mom, that company is the worst.
32
00:01:17,049 --> 00:01:18,683
The CEO lives in a castle
33
00:01:18,717 --> 00:01:21,886
and doesn't even pay his
employees a living wage.
34
00:01:21,921 --> 00:01:23,388
God, you're annoying.
35
00:01:23,422 --> 00:01:25,089
Everything you say is annoying.
36
00:01:25,124 --> 00:01:26,324
You know what?
I give up.
37
00:01:26,358 --> 00:01:28,426
How can you expect
to infiltrate a group of people
38
00:01:28,460 --> 00:01:30,662
when you won't even open
your mind to their beliefs?
39
00:01:30,696 --> 00:01:32,897
Hayley, I've seen
Reality Bites, all right?
40
00:01:32,932 --> 00:01:35,400
I think I get the agenda
of this generation.
41
00:01:35,434 --> 00:01:38,536
Oh, and it shows from
your kick-ass disguise.
42
00:01:38,571 --> 00:01:39,971
Hey, you know the only
thing you're missing
43
00:01:40,005 --> 00:01:41,839
are the mirrored shades.
44
00:01:41,874 --> 00:01:43,474
Mirrored shades?
Really?
45
00:01:43,509 --> 00:01:45,109
Oh, definitely.
46
00:01:45,144 --> 00:01:47,312
All the groovy protesters
wear them.
47
00:01:47,346 --> 00:01:49,581
If I leave now, I can probably
hit that Sunglass Hut
48
00:01:49,615 --> 00:01:52,417
at the mall before it
goes out of business.
49
00:01:52,451 --> 00:01:53,718
Klaus!
KLAUS: Jawohl?
50
00:01:53,752 --> 00:01:56,020
Get ready to flip me my
car keys with your tail,
51
00:01:56,055 --> 00:01:57,255
like you do every morning.
52
00:01:57,289 --> 00:01:59,157
KLAUS: I've been ready
for three hours.
53
00:02:00,859 --> 00:02:02,360
Stan, you forgot your coffee.
54
00:02:02,394 --> 00:02:03,394
(door closes)
55
00:02:03,429 --> 00:02:04,862
KLAUS:
And your keys.
56
00:02:04,897 --> 00:02:06,197
(door opens, keys jingle)
57
00:02:06,231 --> 00:02:07,231
(door closes)
58
00:02:07,266 --> 00:02:09,634
Was that Stan
coming back for his keys?
59
00:02:09,668 --> 00:02:12,604
KLAUS: Yes, but he let a coyote
in the house when he did.
60
00:02:12,638 --> 00:02:15,840
(snarling)
61
00:02:15,874 --> 00:02:18,009
(whispering): Open the back
door so it has a way out.
62
00:02:21,447 --> 00:02:23,681
You do realize this
is about climate change.
63
00:02:23,716 --> 00:02:25,416
(growling stops)
64
00:02:25,451 --> 00:02:26,851
65
00:02:31,657 --> 00:02:34,158
God, it's worse than I thought.
66
00:02:35,194 --> 00:02:37,695
Hey, man, you want
to go with us?
67
00:02:37,730 --> 00:02:39,631
We're gonna go intimidate
that Verizon store
68
00:02:39,665 --> 00:02:41,026
into letting us
use their bathroom.
69
00:02:41,033 --> 00:02:42,233
Right on.
70
00:02:42,268 --> 00:02:44,869
Wait, don't I recognize
you three from somewhere?
71
00:02:45,871 --> 00:02:46,938
(snaps fingers) I know.
72
00:02:46,972 --> 00:02:48,640
You used to be
multicultural members
73
00:02:48,674 --> 00:02:50,008
of the Burger King Kids' Club.
74
00:02:50,042 --> 00:02:53,144
A girl, a black kid
and a paraplegic.
75
00:02:53,178 --> 00:02:55,079
All friends, somehow.
76
00:02:55,114 --> 00:02:56,314
Yeah, that's us.
77
00:02:56,348 --> 00:02:58,783
But we took off when
they changed their fries.
78
00:02:58,817 --> 00:03:00,218
Well, let's do it, man.
79
00:03:00,252 --> 00:03:01,185
I'm one of you.
80
00:03:01,220 --> 00:03:02,687
Just looking to agitate.
81
00:03:04,657 --> 00:03:06,190
Okay, you're in.
82
00:03:06,225 --> 00:03:08,226
But first, douse your bandana
83
00:03:08,260 --> 00:03:10,028
in this tear gas neutralizer.
84
00:03:14,033 --> 00:03:15,867
Huh. Smells a little like ether.
85
00:03:21,373 --> 00:03:23,474
Where...
where am I?
86
00:03:23,509 --> 00:03:24,676
A foxhole...
87
00:03:24,710 --> 00:03:26,044
on the front line
88
00:03:26,078 --> 00:03:28,079
in the war for class equality.
89
00:03:28,113 --> 00:03:29,314
Why are you doing this?
90
00:03:29,348 --> 00:03:30,748
I thought we were coolio.
91
00:03:30,783 --> 00:03:32,951
Yeah, we know you
work for the CIA.
92
00:03:32,985 --> 00:03:35,853
Only a narc would wear
those mirrored shades.
93
00:03:35,888 --> 00:03:38,156
But my daughter told me they
would make me look really cool
94
00:03:38,190 --> 00:03:40,358
and oh, I get it,
she set me up, I'm stupid.
95
00:03:40,392 --> 00:03:42,060
Oh, we can fix that.
96
00:03:42,094 --> 00:03:43,962
Let the reeducation begin.
97
00:03:43,996 --> 00:03:46,598
Kristophe, hit
the energy efficient lights.
98
00:03:51,770 --> 00:03:55,240
Aah! The tint of the glow
is slightly off.
99
00:03:55,274 --> 00:03:56,975
(screams)
100
00:03:59,245 --> 00:04:00,778
Wake up, G-man.
101
00:04:00,813 --> 00:04:02,380
It's time to hear the truth.
102
00:04:02,414 --> 00:04:04,782
And the most efficient way
to convey that truth?
103
00:04:04,817 --> 00:04:06,150
Poetry slam.
104
00:04:08,454 --> 00:04:09,420
Death!
105
00:04:09,455 --> 00:04:10,755
On 9/11.
106
00:04:10,789 --> 00:04:13,758
Unhealthy food in 7-Eleven.
107
00:04:13,792 --> 00:04:14,826
Instagram.
108
00:04:14,860 --> 00:04:16,094
No, thank you, ma'am.
109
00:04:16,128 --> 00:04:19,597
Television news is
society's bruise.
110
00:04:19,632 --> 00:04:21,466
Makes me want to drink booze.
111
00:04:21,500 --> 00:04:23,735
Because "pobody's nerfect."
112
00:04:23,769 --> 00:04:25,537
(light applause)
113
00:04:28,340 --> 00:04:30,241
(over speaker):
Hello. I'm Ira Glass.
114
00:04:30,276 --> 00:04:31,142
(whimpering)
115
00:04:31,176 --> 00:04:32,343
Today, on This American Life,
116
00:04:32,378 --> 00:04:34,979
we have a story about a dog.
117
00:04:35,014 --> 00:04:37,849
And like most dogs...
118
00:04:37,883 --> 00:04:39,817
this dog has an owner.
119
00:04:39,852 --> 00:04:41,019
But here's the thing:
120
00:04:41,053 --> 00:04:42,053
This dog's owner...
121
00:04:43,455 --> 00:04:45,356
also happens to be...
122
00:04:45,391 --> 00:04:46,558
a dog.
123
00:04:46,592 --> 00:04:48,593
Why is he pausing?
124
00:04:48,627 --> 00:04:51,529
Doesn't he know
what he wants to say next?
125
00:04:51,564 --> 00:04:54,098
Doesn't he have it written down
right in front of him?
126
00:04:54,133 --> 00:04:56,067
(screaming)
127
00:05:00,673 --> 00:05:02,674
ANCHORMAN: We've just received
a disturbing report
128
00:05:02,708 --> 00:05:04,475
that a local man
has been kidnapped
129
00:05:04,510 --> 00:05:06,644
by radical Occupy protesters,
130
00:05:06,679 --> 00:05:08,580
and subjected
to Heaven knows what.
131
00:05:08,614 --> 00:05:10,014
Journalistic ethics prevent us
132
00:05:10,049 --> 00:05:11,482
from releasing the man's name.
133
00:05:11,517 --> 00:05:13,818
But, between you and
me, it's Stan Smith.
134
00:05:13,853 --> 00:05:15,153
Stan?!
Daddy?!
135
00:05:15,187 --> 00:05:17,121
Dad...?
Ow! Hangnail.
136
00:05:17,156 --> 00:05:20,758
"We are a radical arm
of the Occupy movement.
137
00:05:20,793 --> 00:05:22,660
"We have several demands.
138
00:05:22,695 --> 00:05:25,964
"The rich should give
their money to the poor.
139
00:05:25,998 --> 00:05:29,901
"Then the new rich should give
their money to the new poor.
140
00:05:29,935 --> 00:05:32,904
"And then they should go
round and round like the...
141
00:05:32,938 --> 00:05:34,439
the Sneeches?"
142
00:05:34,473 --> 00:05:35,773
Is that what that is?
143
00:05:35,808 --> 00:05:38,643
"Also, there should be
a one-year waiting period
144
00:05:38,677 --> 00:05:40,278
"to get a gun.
145
00:05:40,312 --> 00:05:44,115
And at the end of that year,
you don't get a gun."
146
00:05:44,149 --> 00:05:46,384
Witnesses report that
the victim stood out
147
00:05:46,418 --> 00:05:48,686
because he was wearing
mirrored narc shades.
148
00:05:48,721 --> 00:05:50,088
Oh, my God.
149
00:05:50,122 --> 00:05:52,423
I told Dad to wear
those sunglasses.
150
00:05:52,458 --> 00:05:53,858
This is all my fault.
151
00:05:53,893 --> 00:05:55,193
Well, then you better just hope
152
00:05:55,227 --> 00:05:57,629
he doesn't get out
of there alive.
153
00:05:59,398 --> 00:06:00,698
Roger, what are you doing?
154
00:06:00,733 --> 00:06:02,233
Well, with your dad missing,
155
00:06:02,268 --> 00:06:04,369
it's only a matter of time
before hundreds of people
156
00:06:04,403 --> 00:06:06,137
show up for a
candlelight vigil.
157
00:06:06,172 --> 00:06:07,839
20 bucks a candle?
158
00:06:07,873 --> 00:06:09,340
Tha-that seems
a little steep.
159
00:06:09,375 --> 00:06:11,042
Friends and family
get ten for a hundred,
160
00:06:11,076 --> 00:06:13,344
but we're not related and I
don't really care for you,
161
00:06:13,379 --> 00:06:14,345
so it's 20 bucks.
162
00:06:14,380 --> 00:06:15,513
Oh, my God, Mom,
163
00:06:15,548 --> 00:06:16,848
I'm so worried.
164
00:06:16,882 --> 00:06:19,184
What if... What if Dad
doesn't come back?
165
00:06:19,218 --> 00:06:20,985
Then you'll have
killed your father.
166
00:06:21,020 --> 00:06:23,188
Do I really need
to explain this to you?
167
00:06:24,857 --> 00:06:26,057
(gasps) Stan?
168
00:06:26,091 --> 00:06:28,159
(door closes)
Oh, Dad, thank God you're okay.
169
00:06:28,194 --> 00:06:29,460
We heard you were kidnapped.
170
00:06:29,495 --> 00:06:30,662
First, I'm not a kid.
171
00:06:30,696 --> 00:06:32,530
So the term is
"man-napped."
172
00:06:32,565 --> 00:06:35,834
And second, I escaped
my kidnappers.
173
00:06:35,868 --> 00:06:38,002
ROGER: Oh, God, that's
2,000 more candles.
174
00:06:38,037 --> 00:06:39,537
Nobody sign for that.
Just ignore him.
175
00:06:39,572 --> 00:06:41,072
He'll go away.
176
00:06:43,264 --> 00:06:44,585
(radio playing)
(knocking on door)
177
00:06:44,610 --> 00:06:45,743
(clicks radio off) Hey, Dad.
178
00:06:45,778 --> 00:06:46,911
What are you doing?
179
00:06:46,946 --> 00:06:49,814
Oh, just listening
to my boy-eeee Glenn Beck.
180
00:06:49,849 --> 00:06:51,416
Did you know America's dead?
181
00:06:51,450 --> 00:06:53,051
Pulled into the world garage,
182
00:06:53,085 --> 00:06:54,252
left the engine running,
183
00:06:54,286 --> 00:06:56,120
flipped on some
Roy Orbison and just...
184
00:06:56,155 --> 00:06:57,589
let go.
185
00:06:57,623 --> 00:07:00,725
Dad, I just came in to say...
186
00:07:00,759 --> 00:07:03,094
Well, I-I'm just really
happy that you're home.
187
00:07:03,128 --> 00:07:04,462
Good night.
188
00:07:13,506 --> 00:07:14,539
(clicks radio on)
189
00:07:14,573 --> 00:07:15,540
Hello.
190
00:07:15,574 --> 00:07:17,342
I'm Ira Glass.
191
00:07:17,376 --> 00:07:19,878
With a $35 pledge...
192
00:07:19,912 --> 00:07:21,813
you can get the feeling...
193
00:07:21,847 --> 00:07:23,681
of paying for radio.
194
00:07:24,717 --> 00:07:26,718
It's an indescribable...
195
00:07:26,752 --> 00:07:27,852
sensation.
196
00:07:27,887 --> 00:07:30,188
Ah, yeah.
197
00:07:35,525 --> 00:07:36,759
Okay, I figured it out.
198
00:07:36,793 --> 00:07:38,794
We took a big hit on
all those candles.
199
00:07:38,828 --> 00:07:39,795
"We?"
200
00:07:39,829 --> 00:07:41,363
Yeah, it's a family problem.
201
00:07:41,398 --> 00:07:43,565
Every problem in this house
is a family problem.
202
00:07:43,600 --> 00:07:44,767
Except your problems.
203
00:07:44,801 --> 00:07:46,735
Anyway, you each owe me $400.
204
00:07:46,770 --> 00:07:47,870
Mom, can you spot me?
205
00:07:47,904 --> 00:07:49,138
Steve, you're not paying him.
206
00:07:49,172 --> 00:07:50,873
None of us are
paying you, Roger.
207
00:07:50,907 --> 00:07:52,908
But I've got 3,500
candles up there.
208
00:07:52,943 --> 00:07:54,777
How the hell am I
supposed to unload them?
209
00:07:54,811 --> 00:07:57,212
Make wax statues
of Viggo Mortensen?
210
00:07:57,247 --> 00:07:58,714
Ooh, first thought,
best thought.
211
00:07:59,716 --> 00:08:00,816
Hey, everybody.
212
00:08:00,850 --> 00:08:02,084
I'm off to my study
213
00:08:02,118 --> 00:08:03,519
to swaddle myself
in the American flag
214
00:08:03,553 --> 00:08:04,920
and pretend I'm Baby Jesus.
215
00:08:04,955 --> 00:08:06,121
But, before I go,
216
00:08:06,156 --> 00:08:07,890
I wanted to hand out
your allowances.
217
00:08:07,924 --> 00:08:09,058
We get allowances?
218
00:08:09,092 --> 00:08:10,626
I know I do all the work,
219
00:08:10,660 --> 00:08:12,161
but we're not just a family.
220
00:08:12,195 --> 00:08:14,964
We're a collective.
221
00:08:14,998 --> 00:08:18,200
Oh, my God, don't you guys
realize what just happened?
222
00:08:18,234 --> 00:08:19,535
Your dad cut one and left?
223
00:08:19,569 --> 00:08:22,471
Yes, but he's also
redistributing his wealth.
224
00:08:22,505 --> 00:08:25,074
The dad I know would
consider that un-American.
225
00:08:25,108 --> 00:08:26,575
Haley, I-I'd think
you'd be happy
226
00:08:26,610 --> 00:08:28,844
that Dad is starting to
think a little like you.
227
00:08:28,878 --> 00:08:31,647
I would if it was real,
but it's so weird.
228
00:08:31,681 --> 00:08:34,216
He's still talking
like he did in that video.
229
00:08:34,251 --> 00:08:35,417
I wonder...
230
00:08:35,452 --> 00:08:37,119
Why I'm listening to you
instead of hustling
231
00:08:37,153 --> 00:08:38,387
down to the fireworks stand
232
00:08:38,421 --> 00:08:39,955
with my unforeseen windfall?
233
00:08:39,990 --> 00:08:41,257
(crash, crackling)
234
00:08:41,291 --> 00:08:42,524
What happened?
235
00:08:42,559 --> 00:08:45,361
Oh, my God, someone put
an axe in the fuse box.
236
00:08:45,395 --> 00:08:47,196
Candles, $10.
237
00:08:47,230 --> 00:08:48,697
238
00:08:53,937 --> 00:08:55,971
(scanner beeping)
239
00:09:01,244 --> 00:09:02,411
(camera clicks)
240
00:09:09,920 --> 00:09:10,986
(camera clicks)
241
00:09:27,037 --> 00:09:28,704
(camera clicks)
242
00:09:28,738 --> 00:09:31,407
ALL:
Love, American Style
243
00:09:31,441 --> 00:09:35,044
Truer than the red,
white and blue, ooh, ooh
244
00:09:35,078 --> 00:09:38,881
Love, American style
245
00:09:38,915 --> 00:09:43,152
That's me and you.
246
00:09:43,186 --> 00:09:45,721
Haley, care to join
our patriotic sing-along?
247
00:09:45,755 --> 00:09:46,622
I'm sorry, Dad.
248
00:09:46,656 --> 00:09:48,057
But you're not fooling anyone.
249
00:09:48,091 --> 00:09:49,291
You've been brainwashed.
250
00:09:49,326 --> 00:09:50,426
And I have proof.
251
00:09:50,460 --> 00:09:51,860
What are you talking about?
252
00:09:51,895 --> 00:09:53,262
I followed Dad today.
253
00:09:53,296 --> 00:09:54,396
Here's a picture of him
254
00:09:54,431 --> 00:09:55,931
giving all of his clothes
255
00:09:55,966 --> 00:09:57,199
to a homeless man.
256
00:09:57,234 --> 00:09:58,734
It looks like he's being robbed.
257
00:10:01,071 --> 00:10:02,938
What?!
It's true.
258
00:10:02,973 --> 00:10:04,640
I was robbed by a homeless.
259
00:10:04,674 --> 00:10:05,641
Haley!
260
00:10:05,675 --> 00:10:07,009
Your father was getting mugged
261
00:10:07,043 --> 00:10:09,178
and you just sat there,
snapping photos?
262
00:10:09,212 --> 00:10:10,513
Hilarious.
263
00:10:10,547 --> 00:10:12,882
I-I swear,
he didn't have a gun.
264
00:10:12,916 --> 00:10:16,018
Dad, you may be able
to use your CIA tech
265
00:10:16,052 --> 00:10:18,354
to hack my phone
and doctor a photo,
266
00:10:18,388 --> 00:10:21,056
but you can't doctor real life.
267
00:10:21,091 --> 00:10:23,058
(eagle screeches)
268
00:10:23,093 --> 00:10:25,261
But... that was
a peace sign.
269
00:10:25,295 --> 00:10:26,862
Oh, I see why you're confused.
270
00:10:26,897 --> 00:10:29,532
Reagan's just at peace
shredding waves.
271
00:10:29,566 --> 00:10:30,432
I'm not crazy.
272
00:10:30,467 --> 00:10:32,635
I know what I saw.
273
00:10:32,669 --> 00:10:34,436
Oh, I've got some
bad news, guys.
274
00:10:34,471 --> 00:10:35,804
I have to sell the piano.
275
00:10:35,839 --> 00:10:37,973
ALL:
Aw.
276
00:10:40,510 --> 00:10:42,511
(moaning softly)
277
00:10:44,114 --> 00:10:46,615
Sorry, I'll be out of
your hair in a minute.
278
00:10:46,650 --> 00:10:48,284
Just looking for a flashlight.
279
00:10:48,318 --> 00:10:49,952
Oh, here it is.
(chuckles)
280
00:10:49,986 --> 00:10:53,255
Shadow puppet
practice, commence!
281
00:10:53,290 --> 00:10:56,592
(mimicking water splashing)
282
00:10:56,626 --> 00:10:57,993
It's all in the pinky.
283
00:10:58,028 --> 00:11:00,362
(moaning)
What's wrong, little buddy?
284
00:11:00,397 --> 00:11:02,698
I'm ruined!
All these candles!
285
00:11:02,732 --> 00:11:04,700
You can't find
anyone to buy them?
286
00:11:04,734 --> 00:11:06,368
I offered them
to Yankee Candles,
287
00:11:06,403 --> 00:11:08,170
but they said
they had enough candles.
288
00:11:08,205 --> 00:11:09,905
I don't understand business!
289
00:11:09,940 --> 00:11:11,307
Don't give up, Roger.
290
00:11:11,341 --> 00:11:13,442
You just got to look on the...
291
00:11:13,476 --> 00:11:15,444
bright side.
292
00:11:15,478 --> 00:11:16,946
(chuckles) (chuckles)
293
00:11:16,980 --> 00:11:19,481
Oh, it feels good to laugh.
294
00:11:19,516 --> 00:11:22,284
Thanks for reminding me how.
295
00:11:25,355 --> 00:11:26,822
It's like I'm looking at you
296
00:11:26,857 --> 00:11:28,824
through the eyes
of Vilmos Zsigmond,
297
00:11:28,859 --> 00:11:31,026
cinematographer
of Close Encounters.
298
00:11:31,061 --> 00:11:32,628
I know Vilmos.
299
00:11:32,662 --> 00:11:35,865
I was his favorite extra.
300
00:11:37,400 --> 00:11:40,769
God, there's so much
I don't know about you.
301
00:11:40,804 --> 00:11:42,972
I should probably go.
302
00:11:43,006 --> 00:11:44,240
Why?
303
00:11:44,274 --> 00:11:46,742
Two friends lit by candlelight.
304
00:11:46,776 --> 00:11:48,744
What could go wrong?
305
00:11:48,778 --> 00:11:50,613
The question is...
306
00:11:50,647 --> 00:11:53,883
what could go right?
307
00:11:53,917 --> 00:11:57,353
How 'bout I light a few more?
308
00:12:00,891 --> 00:12:03,893
(whistling)
309
00:12:05,695 --> 00:12:07,696
(door shuts)
310
00:12:10,600 --> 00:12:12,701
All right, Stan Smith,
311
00:12:12,736 --> 00:12:15,504
let's see what you're hiding.
312
00:12:26,550 --> 00:12:28,517
KLAUS:
Sorry, Hayley.
313
00:12:28,552 --> 00:12:32,288
Sorry you picked a fish
for your stupid plan.
314
00:12:32,322 --> 00:12:34,290
No, Dad!
315
00:12:34,324 --> 00:12:36,625
I can't let you do this.
What do you mean?
316
00:12:36,660 --> 00:12:39,428
I saw your computer screen.
I know you were searching
317
00:12:39,462 --> 00:12:42,031
for "Secret Back Roads
to National Monuments."
318
00:12:42,065 --> 00:12:44,533
(chuckling):
Oh, Hayley, Hayley, Hayley.
319
00:12:44,568 --> 00:12:47,069
I've been planning a road trip
for the family
320
00:12:47,103 --> 00:12:49,438
to see all of our country's
greatest monuments.
321
00:12:49,473 --> 00:12:51,707
And of course we'll take
the secret back roads.
322
00:12:51,741 --> 00:12:53,976
You always want to enter a park
from behind.
323
00:12:54,010 --> 00:12:56,712
Not many parks will let you,
but if you find one that will,
324
00:12:56,746 --> 00:12:58,581
they'll pretty much
let you do anything.
325
00:12:58,615 --> 00:13:00,015
Dad, one of the Web sites was
326
00:13:00,050 --> 00:13:01,851
"How to Blow Up
National Monuments."
327
00:13:01,885 --> 00:13:04,119
Hayley, Hayley, Hayley.
328
00:13:04,154 --> 00:13:06,055
"Blow Up." It's street jive.
329
00:13:06,089 --> 00:13:08,390
It means
to make something popular.
330
00:13:08,425 --> 00:13:10,793
Attendance at the national
monuments is dwindling,
331
00:13:10,827 --> 00:13:12,995
baby girl, and Daddy's worried.
332
00:13:13,029 --> 00:13:14,330
Okay...
333
00:13:14,364 --> 00:13:16,465
I-I guess
that makes sense.
334
00:13:16,500 --> 00:13:18,868
Um, just one more question.
335
00:13:18,902 --> 00:13:22,471
Why is there a crate
of missiles tied to your car?
336
00:13:22,506 --> 00:13:25,875
Hayley, Hayley, Hayley.
337
00:13:25,909 --> 00:13:27,943
(screams)
338
00:13:27,978 --> 00:13:30,412
You just couldn't let it rest,
could you?
339
00:13:30,447 --> 00:13:31,747
(groaning)
340
00:13:31,781 --> 00:13:33,783
(groaning continues)
341
00:13:35,185 --> 00:13:37,486
Damn, Hayley, how
much do you weigh?
342
00:13:39,923 --> 00:13:42,091
Daddy?
343
00:13:42,125 --> 00:13:43,225
What's going on?
344
00:13:43,260 --> 00:13:44,360
You were right, Hayley.
345
00:13:44,394 --> 00:13:46,695
I'm a warrior now
for the liberal left,
346
00:13:46,730 --> 00:13:48,864
and we're about to move forward
with an attack
347
00:13:48,899 --> 00:13:50,733
that the world's right-wing
puppet masters
348
00:13:50,767 --> 00:13:52,434
will never forget.
349
00:13:54,304 --> 00:13:55,738
Oh, by the way,
these are my friends
350
00:13:55,772 --> 00:13:57,706
who kidnapped
and brainwashed me.
351
00:13:57,741 --> 00:13:59,241
This one's a wheelchair guy,
352
00:13:59,276 --> 00:14:01,243
but he can still talk
and everything.
353
00:14:03,024 --> 00:14:05,025
(owl hooting, insects trilling)
354
00:14:07,128 --> 00:14:08,762
Dad, what are you gonna do?
355
00:14:08,796 --> 00:14:09,963
Are you...
356
00:14:09,998 --> 00:14:11,765
are you gonna blow up
Mount Rushmore?
357
00:14:11,799 --> 00:14:13,100
Oh, no. Way cooler.
358
00:14:13,134 --> 00:14:15,135
Artemis, show her.
359
00:14:17,369 --> 00:14:19,449
ARTEMIS: By precisely targeting
a barrage of missiles
360
00:14:19,474 --> 00:14:21,441
your dad acquired for us,
we'll reshape
361
00:14:21,476 --> 00:14:23,510
the contemptible fascists
of Mount Rushmore
362
00:14:23,545 --> 00:14:25,412
into history's
greatest leftists.
363
00:14:25,446 --> 00:14:28,949
STAN: Sean Penn, Michael Moore
and Captain Planet.
364
00:14:28,983 --> 00:14:30,617
HAYLEY:
Why didn't you change Jefferson?
365
00:14:30,652 --> 00:14:32,252
STAN:
Well, he freed the slaves, so...
366
00:14:32,287 --> 00:14:33,787
he stays.
367
00:14:34,823 --> 00:14:37,191
I can't believe this.
368
00:14:37,225 --> 00:14:38,492
We're going through
with this, Hayley.
369
00:14:38,526 --> 00:14:40,360
No use trying
to talk me out of it.
370
00:14:40,395 --> 00:14:41,628
I'm not going to.
371
00:14:41,663 --> 00:14:43,030
I think it's awesome.
372
00:14:43,064 --> 00:14:45,699
Really?
Dad, this is exactly what I've been trying
373
00:14:45,733 --> 00:14:47,801
to get you to embrace
all these years.
374
00:14:47,836 --> 00:14:50,137
Now we can work together
to bring down the...
375
00:14:50,171 --> 00:14:51,505
HAYLEY & STAN:
Plutocratic, patriarchal,
376
00:14:51,539 --> 00:14:53,340
military industrial complex!
377
00:14:53,374 --> 00:14:54,942
(squeals)
378
00:14:54,976 --> 00:14:57,611
I can't wait to help
you guys pull this off,
379
00:14:57,645 --> 00:14:59,780
but, um, can I go
to the bathroom real quick?
380
00:14:59,814 --> 00:15:01,882
I'm going to enjoy
a movement of my own.
381
00:15:01,916 --> 00:15:04,017
Clever!
382
00:15:09,224 --> 00:15:10,657
(keypad beeps, line rings)
383
00:15:10,692 --> 00:15:12,459
Hello?
(quietly): Avery, it's Hayley.
384
00:15:12,494 --> 00:15:14,595
I have to talk to you.
I was kidnapped.
385
00:15:14,629 --> 00:15:17,865
Stop right there.
Let me switch to a secure line.
386
00:15:17,899 --> 00:15:19,266
All right.
387
00:15:19,300 --> 00:15:22,870
When you were kidnapped,
what were you wearing?
388
00:15:22,904 --> 00:15:25,606
Do you currently
have access to your nipples?
389
00:15:25,640 --> 00:15:29,610
What? N-No, Avery, I-I was
kidnapped by terrorists.
390
00:15:29,644 --> 00:15:32,746
Oh, my God, you're so bad
at sexy phone calls.
391
00:15:32,780 --> 00:15:34,248
Damn it!
392
00:15:34,282 --> 00:15:36,049
Come on, come on, come on.
393
00:15:36,084 --> 00:15:40,120
Mmm. I don't know where your
back ends and my hands begin.
394
00:15:40,155 --> 00:15:43,123
(phone rings)
Oh! The outside world.
395
00:15:43,158 --> 00:15:45,659
Hello?
(quietly): Roger, it's Hayley.
396
00:15:45,693 --> 00:15:47,694
Look, I've been
kidnapped by my dad.
397
00:15:47,729 --> 00:15:49,129
He's working with terrorists...
398
00:15:49,164 --> 00:15:51,064
Hayley, my hands are dripping
with coconut oil.
399
00:15:51,099 --> 00:15:52,232
I can't talk.
400
00:15:54,068 --> 00:15:56,303
Now, where were we?
401
00:15:56,337 --> 00:15:59,106
Oh... yeah, here.
402
00:15:59,140 --> 00:16:01,108
(moaning)
403
00:16:01,142 --> 00:16:03,544
FRANCINE:
Steve? Roger?
404
00:16:03,578 --> 00:16:05,579
Are you up there?
405
00:16:06,915 --> 00:16:09,049
What? Wh-What have
we been doing?!
406
00:16:09,083 --> 00:16:11,385
I-It must have been
the candles, right?
407
00:16:11,419 --> 00:16:13,554
Get out.
408
00:16:13,588 --> 00:16:14,888
(keypad beeps, line rings)
409
00:16:14,923 --> 00:16:17,224
(gasps)
WOMAN: 911, what is your emergency?
410
00:16:17,258 --> 00:16:19,626
(gasps) Betraitor!
411
00:16:21,930 --> 00:16:23,397
All right, Stan.
412
00:16:23,431 --> 00:16:26,066
Finish setting up the launcher
while we go get high for this.
413
00:16:26,100 --> 00:16:29,636
I want to be as high
as I was during Life of Pi.
414
00:16:33,575 --> 00:16:36,076
Dad, don't do this.
This isn't you.
415
00:16:36,110 --> 00:16:37,744
Hayley, you should be happy.
416
00:16:37,779 --> 00:16:39,880
I'm a leftist radical,
just like you are.
417
00:16:39,914 --> 00:16:41,949
But that's not who you are.
418
00:16:41,983 --> 00:16:44,284
You've always hated
my liberal ideas.
419
00:16:44,319 --> 00:16:46,954
Remember how mad you got when I
filled your gas tank with sugar
420
00:16:46,988 --> 00:16:49,223
to encourage you
to ride my bike to work?
421
00:16:51,593 --> 00:16:55,562
The chain kept coming off and I
had to ask a weird man for help.
422
00:16:56,598 --> 00:16:59,066
Yeah. Yeah!
423
00:16:59,100 --> 00:17:01,468
It made you really mad,
didn't it?
424
00:17:01,503 --> 00:17:05,405
But, but I did reduce my carbon
footprint for two days, so...
425
00:17:05,440 --> 00:17:06,473
well done.
426
00:17:06,508 --> 00:17:08,809
Okay, but remember
how upset you got
427
00:17:08,843 --> 00:17:11,245
when my fourth grade teacher
asked what you did on Career Day
428
00:17:11,279 --> 00:17:14,414
and I said you introduced crackand AIDS to the ghetto?
429
00:17:14,449 --> 00:17:17,417
I've told you time and again
that AIDS was the FBI.
430
00:17:17,452 --> 00:17:19,820
But, but it's good
to be sensitive
431
00:17:19,854 --> 00:17:22,923
to the socioeconomically
disadvantaged and their pain.
432
00:17:22,957 --> 00:17:24,925
Yeah? Well, what about your pain
433
00:17:24,959 --> 00:17:27,394
when me and my friends protested
on our front lawn
434
00:17:27,428 --> 00:17:28,862
for four months?
435
00:17:31,399 --> 00:17:33,233
I'd just had that lawn seeded.
436
00:17:33,268 --> 00:17:35,102
All those hippies urinating...
437
00:17:35,136 --> 00:17:38,105
But, but I guess
you did raise awareness for...
438
00:17:38,139 --> 00:17:40,140
for...
439
00:17:41,543 --> 00:17:42,776
...for nothing!
440
00:17:42,811 --> 00:17:44,645
It wasn't even clear
what you were protesting!
441
00:17:44,679 --> 00:17:46,847
Were you against soap?
Getting jobs?
442
00:17:46,881 --> 00:17:48,515
Having sex in private?!
443
00:17:48,550 --> 00:17:50,651
All right, Stan, we're ready.
444
00:17:50,685 --> 00:17:51,985
Launch the missiles.
445
00:17:52,020 --> 00:17:54,655
Launch? I-I...
446
00:17:54,689 --> 00:17:56,723
I can't.
447
00:17:56,758 --> 00:17:58,659
Why not? Are you all right?
448
00:17:58,693 --> 00:17:59,660
Yes.
449
00:17:59,694 --> 00:18:01,528
You had me all left.
450
00:18:01,563 --> 00:18:03,964
But now I'm all right.
451
00:18:03,998 --> 00:18:06,767
I don't understand.
What's he... Oh, I get it.
452
00:18:06,801 --> 00:18:09,503
He's using "right"
in the political sense.
453
00:18:09,537 --> 00:18:11,839
(gasps) His brainwashing's
been compromised!
454
00:18:11,873 --> 00:18:13,540
Seize him!
455
00:18:14,576 --> 00:18:16,043
(grunts)
456
00:18:17,746 --> 00:18:19,746
(grunting)
457
00:18:23,785 --> 00:18:26,286
(grunting)
458
00:18:28,056 --> 00:18:30,357
Dude! You wouldn't hurt a guy
in a wheelchair.
459
00:18:30,391 --> 00:18:31,558
Of course not.
460
00:18:31,593 --> 00:18:34,328
But I would hurt a guy
with his wheelchair.
461
00:18:34,362 --> 00:18:37,197
(grunting, moaning)
462
00:18:37,232 --> 00:18:39,433
(panting)
463
00:18:39,467 --> 00:18:41,368
Dad? Are you really back?
464
00:18:41,403 --> 00:18:42,836
Yes, Hayley, I am.
465
00:18:42,871 --> 00:18:44,838
It seems the only
force strong enough
466
00:18:44,873 --> 00:18:46,173
to break their brainwashing
467
00:18:46,207 --> 00:18:49,176
was a lifetime of
disappointment in my daughter.
468
00:18:49,210 --> 00:18:50,677
It is you!
469
00:18:50,712 --> 00:18:52,546
Dad!
470
00:18:53,615 --> 00:18:54,915
(beeping)
471
00:18:57,285 --> 00:18:59,620
Oh, no!
What have I done?
472
00:19:16,604 --> 00:19:18,906
What... what the hell
just happened?
473
00:19:21,176 --> 00:19:22,676
Well done, Smith.
474
00:19:22,710 --> 00:19:24,411
Or should I say, Smiths.
475
00:19:24,446 --> 00:19:25,779
Deputy Director Bullock?
476
00:19:25,814 --> 00:19:27,214
Let me explain.
477
00:19:27,248 --> 00:19:29,049
We needed
to test Mount Rushmore's
478
00:19:29,084 --> 00:19:31,118
new anti-missile
laser defense,
479
00:19:31,152 --> 00:19:33,754
so we figured
the easiest way to do that
480
00:19:33,788 --> 00:19:36,657
would be to brainwash
our most loyal agent
481
00:19:36,691 --> 00:19:38,492
into firing missiles at it.
482
00:19:38,526 --> 00:19:39,927
Really?
That was the easiest way?
483
00:19:39,961 --> 00:19:41,261
No.
484
00:19:41,296 --> 00:19:44,732
But South Dakota had a lot
of Homeland Security funds
485
00:19:44,766 --> 00:19:46,667
just sitting around,
so we figured
486
00:19:46,701 --> 00:19:48,635
we should do
something cool with it.
487
00:19:48,670 --> 00:19:50,404
Are you insane?!
488
00:19:50,438 --> 00:19:53,240
Millions of kids go to bed
hungry every night,
489
00:19:53,274 --> 00:19:56,643
but you waste money making
Abe Lincoln into a Transformer?
490
00:19:56,678 --> 00:19:58,112
God, you're annoying.
491
00:19:58,146 --> 00:19:59,680
Everything you say is annoying.
492
00:19:59,714 --> 00:20:01,014
This guy gets it.
493
00:20:01,049 --> 00:20:03,884
Smith, let me introduce you
to the CIA agents
494
00:20:03,918 --> 00:20:06,787
who pretended to be
anticapitalist activists
495
00:20:06,821 --> 00:20:09,089
so they could kidnap
and brainwash you.
496
00:20:10,592 --> 00:20:11,792
Duper?!
497
00:20:11,826 --> 00:20:13,193
Jackson?!
498
00:20:13,228 --> 00:20:15,696
Oh, my God,
those disguises are amazing!
499
00:20:15,730 --> 00:20:17,231
That's because they're made
500
00:20:17,265 --> 00:20:19,299
with real skin from the Orient.
501
00:20:19,334 --> 00:20:21,535
Wait a minute, then-then
who was playing Artemis?
502
00:20:21,569 --> 00:20:24,038
Oh, he was actually
a dangerous activist.
503
00:20:24,072 --> 00:20:25,706
So good job beating
him to death.
504
00:20:25,740 --> 00:20:28,542
He did have a child that may
come for vengeance someday,
505
00:20:28,576 --> 00:20:30,344
but he's also in a wheelchair,
506
00:20:30,378 --> 00:20:32,413
so walk halfway up a staircase
507
00:20:32,447 --> 00:20:34,548
or find a curb, you'll be fine.
508
00:20:38,253 --> 00:20:41,121
Well, Dad, it really
is good to have you back.
509
00:20:41,156 --> 00:20:43,057
It's good to be back, Hayley.
510
00:20:43,091 --> 00:20:45,125
Come on, let's go home.
511
00:20:45,160 --> 00:20:46,960
Well, we've got a long
drive ahead of us.
512
00:20:46,995 --> 00:20:48,429
What are we gonna talk about?
513
00:20:48,463 --> 00:20:49,596
Not much.
514
00:20:49,988 --> 00:20:54,805
Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com
515
00:20:54,855 --> 00:20:59,405
Repair and Synchronization by
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