Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000
Downloaded from
YTS.MX
2
00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000
Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX
3
00:00:28,550 --> 00:00:30,900
♪ [Classical]
4
00:00:31,031 --> 00:00:33,511
[Man Narrating]
Warning. This film
contains profanity,
5
00:00:33,642 --> 00:00:35,905
racially offensive material
and dick jokes.
6
00:00:36,036 --> 00:00:39,561
This content is not gratuitous
but arises from a society...
7
00:00:39,691 --> 00:00:41,780
which finds humor
in cynical irony...
8
00:00:41,911 --> 00:00:45,349
during an age of
advanced technology
and shorter attention spans.
9
00:00:45,480 --> 00:00:49,571
[Tires Screeching]
This chick with a great rack
is totally gratuitous.
10
00:00:49,701 --> 00:00:52,704
But we got an "R" rating,
so titties for everyone!
11
00:00:52,835 --> 00:00:55,011
Now sit back,
enjoy the show...
12
00:00:55,142 --> 00:00:57,840
and forget that someone
farted into the seat
you're sitting in.
13
00:00:57,970 --> 00:01:01,452
Thank you, and fuck
all the inferior races.
14
00:01:14,683 --> 00:01:18,121
[Dog Barking]
15
00:01:22,169 --> 00:01:24,954
Wonder why somebody
threw away a new TV?
16
00:01:25,085 --> 00:01:26,956
Who in the hell cares?
It's ours now.
17
00:01:27,087 --> 00:01:29,567
[Laughs]
You bet your black ass it is!
18
00:01:29,698 --> 00:01:32,309
Why the hell does it always
gotta be about my black ass?
19
00:01:32,440 --> 00:01:37,184
You're a bigot.Uh-uh. I slept with a black girl
five times in one night.
20
00:01:37,314 --> 00:01:40,448
What the hell
does that have to do
about being a bigot?
21
00:01:40,578 --> 00:01:42,885
Nothin'. I just like
tellin' it again.
22
00:01:44,974 --> 00:01:46,932
Hey, now where's
that remote?
23
00:01:51,459 --> 00:01:55,506
"In the new digital world,
it's all connected." Huh.
24
00:01:56,551 --> 00:01:58,335
I'm turnin' it on.
25
00:02:00,424 --> 00:02:02,557
Hoo-hoo!
Picture's great!
26
00:02:02,687 --> 00:02:05,516
Yeah. Hey, now.
27
00:02:07,866 --> 00:02:10,391
What's this button do?
28
00:02:12,132 --> 00:02:14,308
[Screaming]
29
00:02:14,438 --> 00:02:16,310
[Thuds]
30
00:02:20,923 --> 00:02:23,273
What the hell?
31
00:02:23,404 --> 00:02:26,972
Hey, that's the same building
that was on the screen.
32
00:02:27,103 --> 00:02:29,627
Hey, we're in
the goddamn TV!
33
00:02:29,758 --> 00:02:33,240
We'd better go find
that damn remote.We gotta find it. Come on!
34
00:02:34,719 --> 00:02:37,374
♪ [Hip-hop]
35
00:02:45,165 --> 00:02:48,429
♪ We're the white guys
and we own everything ♪
36
00:02:48,559 --> 00:02:51,997
♪ Oh, yes, we're white guys
We start wars every day ♪
37
00:02:52,128 --> 00:02:54,435
♪ 'Cause we're the white guys ♪
38
00:02:54,565 --> 00:02:57,612
♪ We're straight or we're gay
and that's how it is ♪
39
00:02:57,742 --> 00:03:00,049
♪ So you can kiss our ass
40
00:03:00,180 --> 00:03:03,835
♪ I run the country
as the president ♪
41
00:03:03,966 --> 00:03:07,622
♪ And I don't give a shit
how your money's spent ♪
42
00:03:07,752 --> 00:03:10,712
♪ C.E.O. and I steal
all the time ♪
43
00:03:10,842 --> 00:03:14,324
♪ Send your broke ass to
the unemployment line ♪
44
00:03:14,455 --> 00:03:17,936
♪ Because we're white guys
and we own everything ♪
45
00:03:18,067 --> 00:03:21,462
♪ Oh, yes, we're white guys
We start wars every day ♪
46
00:03:21,592 --> 00:03:24,073
♪ 'Cause we're the white guys
47
00:03:24,204 --> 00:03:27,381
♪ We're straight or we're gay
and that's how it is ♪
48
00:03:27,511 --> 00:03:29,383
♪ So you can kiss our ass
49
00:03:29,513 --> 00:03:33,474
♪ Now all you guys
wanna be like me ♪
50
00:03:33,604 --> 00:03:36,781
♪ You wanna have the power
and the security ♪
51
00:03:36,912 --> 00:03:38,305
♪ But you can't get in ♪
52
00:03:38,435 --> 00:03:40,481
♪ This club
is exclusive ♪
53
00:03:40,611 --> 00:03:44,006
♪ The white man's shit
is ever elusive ♪
54
00:03:44,136 --> 00:03:47,488
♪ 'Cause we're white guys
and we own everything ♪
55
00:03:47,618 --> 00:03:51,274
♪ Oh, yes, we're white guys
We start wars every day ♪
56
00:03:51,405 --> 00:03:53,624
♪ 'Cause we're the white guys
57
00:03:53,755 --> 00:03:56,627
♪ We're straight or we're gay
and that's how it is ♪
58
00:03:56,758 --> 00:03:59,064
♪ So you can kiss our ass
59
00:03:59,195 --> 00:04:03,068
♪ W-H-I-T-E
60
00:04:03,199 --> 00:04:06,333
♪ W-H-I-T-E ♪
61
00:04:06,463 --> 00:04:09,901
♪ W-H-I-T-E
62
00:04:17,039 --> 00:04:19,476
[Announcer]
Fate converges.
63
00:04:20,651 --> 00:04:24,002
Destiny calls.
64
00:04:24,133 --> 00:04:27,789
And a hero shall rise.
65
00:04:32,924 --> 00:04:36,014
Gimme the goddamn bag,
you little fuckin' bitch.
Fuckin' hand it over!
66
00:04:36,145 --> 00:04:37,973
[Man]
Is there a problem over here?
67
00:04:38,103 --> 00:04:40,845
What the fuck are you?
68
00:04:40,976 --> 00:04:45,633
I am the FruitFly.
69
00:04:45,763 --> 00:04:47,765
I was bitten by
a radioactive fruit fly,
70
00:04:47,896 --> 00:04:50,768
and now I am super.
71
00:04:50,899 --> 00:04:53,554
Yeah, well,
what kind of powers does
a fuckin' fruit fly have?
72
00:04:53,684 --> 00:04:56,034
Well, none, really.
73
00:04:56,165 --> 00:04:59,908
Oh! Oh, shit!
Shit!
74
00:05:00,038 --> 00:05:01,910
Oh! Oh, go get
some Neosporin!
75
00:05:02,040 --> 00:05:06,349
Oh!
What kind of superhero
ain't got no damn powers?
76
00:05:07,698 --> 00:05:09,787
But there's a hero
inside all of us.
77
00:05:09,918 --> 00:05:15,053
-Go to hell, asshole.
-Oh!
[Groaning]
78
00:05:15,184 --> 00:05:19,623
What do you
fucking want from me?
He shot me! He shot me!
79
00:05:19,754 --> 00:05:21,799
[Announcer]
The FruitFly.
80
00:05:21,930 --> 00:05:25,542
He had no powers,
so fuck him.
81
00:05:25,673 --> 00:05:29,720
I'm taking a powerful medication
that you might need.
82
00:05:29,851 --> 00:05:32,244
It can only be prescribed
by a doctor.
83
00:05:32,375 --> 00:05:35,726
Ask your doctor if
this medicine is right for you.
84
00:05:35,857 --> 00:05:38,816
By law, I can't tell you
what this medicine does.
85
00:05:38,947 --> 00:05:42,646
I can't even tell you its name.
But if you wait too long
to get it,
86
00:05:42,777 --> 00:05:46,258
the disease that it treats
could kill your ass dead.
87
00:05:46,389 --> 00:05:48,130
Side effects of
this medicine are:
88
00:05:48,260 --> 00:05:51,873
severe rectal pain,
rectal bleeding,
89
00:05:52,003 --> 00:05:54,397
little tiny men jumping
out of your bleeding rectum,
90
00:05:54,528 --> 00:05:56,573
and dry mouth.
91
00:05:56,704 --> 00:06:00,838
I feel secure now that
I have this medicine,
and so can you.
92
00:06:00,969 --> 00:06:04,364
Call your physician today.
93
00:06:04,494 --> 00:06:06,366
[Announcer]
Get--[Bleeps]
medication.
94
00:06:06,496 --> 00:06:08,455
Because you're probably
dying right now.
95
00:06:08,585 --> 00:06:10,500
News flash!
96
00:06:10,631 --> 00:06:12,981
Saudi Arabia.
Conformed sources report...
97
00:06:13,111 --> 00:06:15,679
that 57% percent of
Saudi Arabian citizens...
98
00:06:15,810 --> 00:06:18,290
are now urinating
pure gasoline.
99
00:06:18,421 --> 00:06:20,989
Doctors and scientists are
baffled by the phenomenon,
100
00:06:21,119 --> 00:06:24,079
as they have no idea
how the oil is being refined.
101
00:06:24,209 --> 00:06:26,037
[Dings]
[Bell Ringing]
102
00:06:26,168 --> 00:06:28,823
[Cheering]
103
00:06:32,000 --> 00:06:35,264
[Announcer]
Welcome toMy Last Nerve,
104
00:06:35,395 --> 00:06:37,309
the most exciting
game show on TV.
105
00:06:37,440 --> 00:06:41,879
And now your host,
Grant Smith!
106
00:06:43,315 --> 00:06:46,231
Hey!
107
00:06:48,625 --> 00:06:52,412
Welcome to My Last Nerve,
the game show with...
108
00:06:52,542 --> 00:06:54,544
attitude!
[Audience]
Attitude!
109
00:06:54,675 --> 00:06:56,546
Okay, let's welcome
our first contestant.
110
00:06:56,677 --> 00:07:01,769
She's an attorney and
mother of two from Hartford,
Dana Daniels!
111
00:07:01,899 --> 00:07:04,511
[Cheering]
112
00:07:04,641 --> 00:07:06,687
Hello, Grant.
113
00:07:06,817 --> 00:07:10,560
Okay, our next contestant
is from the great city
of Detroit.
114
00:07:10,691 --> 00:07:14,434
He's a part-time glaze
specialist at Krispy Kreme.
115
00:07:14,564 --> 00:07:17,654
Please welcome
Keith Randell!
[Cheering]
116
00:07:17,785 --> 00:07:21,136
What's up, y'all?
Motown in the building, y'all!
117
00:07:22,180 --> 00:07:25,401
Hooray for Hartford!
118
00:07:25,532 --> 00:07:27,708
Okay. You know how
the game plays.
119
00:07:27,838 --> 00:07:29,753
I'm gonna ask
a series of questions
you must answer correctly.
120
00:07:29,884 --> 00:07:32,234
If you don't,
you'll get on my last nerve.
121
00:07:32,364 --> 00:07:35,977
And when that happens you get--
[With Audience]
The Slapper!
122
00:07:36,107 --> 00:07:39,981
Let's welcome three-time
National Slap Champion,
123
00:07:40,111 --> 00:07:43,071
Lashaunda Murray!
124
00:07:44,246 --> 00:07:46,030
Marry me, Lashaunda!
125
00:07:46,161 --> 00:07:48,990
♪ [Hip-hop]
126
00:07:50,121 --> 00:07:52,167
Oh!
127
00:07:55,083 --> 00:07:58,173
Oh, baby. Oh, baby.
Oh!
128
00:07:58,303 --> 00:08:00,175
Okay, now, if you don't
answer correctly,
129
00:08:00,305 --> 00:08:04,658
Lashaunda will slap the taste
out of your mouth.
130
00:08:04,788 --> 00:08:07,356
And I can also slap you
into the middle of next week.
131
00:08:07,487 --> 00:08:10,707
- [Audience Chanting]
Lashaunda. Lashaunda.
-Mmm, think about that now.
132
00:08:10,838 --> 00:08:13,667
- Okay. Okay.
-[Chanting Continues]
133
00:08:16,147 --> 00:08:19,890
-Oh!
-[Cheering]
134
00:08:20,021 --> 00:08:22,502
[Woman]
Lashaunda, you're the shit,
girl! I love you!
135
00:08:22,632 --> 00:08:25,026
There goes an intern!
Okay!
136
00:08:25,156 --> 00:08:27,202
Well, she ain't got
nothin' on my mama.
137
00:08:27,332 --> 00:08:30,727
Uh, excuse me. Uh, Grant, um--
That was not in the rule book
that I received.
138
00:08:30,858 --> 00:08:35,515
Okay, let's play
My Last Nerve.
139
00:08:37,821 --> 00:08:42,652
First question:
Why are Asians
such shitty drivers?
140
00:08:42,783 --> 00:08:45,916
[Buzzer Buzzes]
That is a myth,
Grant,
141
00:08:46,047 --> 00:08:48,005
perpetrated by
societal stereotypes.
142
00:08:48,136 --> 00:08:50,747
-Oh, wrong.
-What?
143
00:08:50,878 --> 00:08:53,794
Keith?
'Cause they drive like
they talk--choppy.
144
00:08:53,924 --> 00:08:55,709
Correct!
145
00:08:57,972 --> 00:09:00,017
Yeah, sorry, Dana.
146
00:09:00,148 --> 00:09:02,237
Oh, no. Ow!
147
00:09:02,367 --> 00:09:06,371
Ow.
Oh. I felt that.
Ow.
148
00:09:06,502 --> 00:09:08,852
[Keith]
She just got slapped!
149
00:09:08,983 --> 00:09:12,595
Okay, okay.
All right.
150
00:09:12,726 --> 00:09:17,861
Next question. How many
white people does it take
to screw in a lightbulb?
151
00:09:17,992 --> 00:09:20,211
Uh, one.
[Buzzer Buzzes]
152
00:09:20,342 --> 00:09:23,084
Mmm, sorry! Keith,
how many white people...
153
00:09:23,214 --> 00:09:26,000
does it take to screw in
a lightbulb?
154
00:09:26,130 --> 00:09:29,743
Uh, Grant, that would be
10 million and one
white people.
155
00:09:29,873 --> 00:09:33,181
One to screw in the lightbulb,
the other 10 million
to kill off...
156
00:09:33,311 --> 00:09:37,185
all the Native Americans,
enslave my black people and fuck
everybody else in they ass.
157
00:09:37,315 --> 00:09:39,753
Fuck in the ass.
Correct! Correct!
158
00:09:39,883 --> 00:09:41,972
[Chuckles]
Oh, sorry, Dana.
159
00:09:42,103 --> 00:09:46,411
We never did any of that--
Oh, God. No, please, please,
please, please.
160
00:09:47,630 --> 00:09:50,807
Ow!
[Muttering]
161
00:09:50,938 --> 00:09:53,201
- [Grant]Oh.
-You know what?
Uh, excuse me.
162
00:09:53,331 --> 00:09:56,900
Hi. I'm sorry. I, um--
I give up. I surrender.
163
00:09:57,031 --> 00:09:59,860
It's, uh--
You're the winner.
Keith, it's all you.
164
00:09:59,990 --> 00:10:02,079
Sorry. We got still
plenty of game to play.
165
00:10:02,210 --> 00:10:04,473
Next question.
No! Wait!
166
00:10:04,604 --> 00:10:09,609
Grant, these questions,
the answers--
they're very racist.
167
00:10:09,739 --> 00:10:11,349
Hell, no.[Audience Disagreeing]
168
00:10:11,480 --> 00:10:14,701
One man's ethnic stereotype
is another man's ethnic truth.
169
00:10:14,831 --> 00:10:16,746
[Cheering]
Next question.
170
00:10:16,877 --> 00:10:21,185
Why do Indians have those
little dots on their forehead?
171
00:10:21,316 --> 00:10:23,013
[Buzzer Buzzes]Wait. I-I--
I know this one.
172
00:10:23,144 --> 00:10:26,538
Not much time.
173
00:10:26,669 --> 00:10:28,932
That's the button
that turns on their brain!
174
00:10:29,063 --> 00:10:32,980
Judges? Yes,
they'll allow it. Okay.
175
00:10:33,110 --> 00:10:36,026
The other acceptable
answer is:
176
00:10:36,157 --> 00:10:39,769
The dot is the person
and they're the blemish.
177
00:10:39,900 --> 00:10:41,553
What does that mean?
What--
Sorry, Keith.
178
00:10:41,684 --> 00:10:43,207
Sorry for what?
179
00:10:43,338 --> 00:10:45,557
Ow!
180
00:10:45,688 --> 00:10:47,864
Yeah!
That's for you.
181
00:10:47,995 --> 00:10:51,389
Okay, yeah. Now we got
a contest. Right.
182
00:10:51,520 --> 00:10:54,436
Okay, let's play.
You and me.
183
00:10:54,566 --> 00:10:56,656
-Oh, oh, oh.
-What is that?
184
00:10:56,786 --> 00:10:59,441
Okay, it's time for
our lightning round.
185
00:10:59,571 --> 00:11:03,053
Now, I'm gonna ask you several
questions. The contestant
with the most wins.
186
00:11:03,184 --> 00:11:06,883
The other gets
Lashaunda's double-slap whammy!
[Audience Cheering]
187
00:11:10,539 --> 00:11:12,672
-Are you ready?
-Hell, yeah, I'm ready.
188
00:11:12,802 --> 00:11:14,456
Yes, yes, we're ready.
Just go.
Here we go.
189
00:11:14,586 --> 00:11:17,851
What are the first words
of every Mexican recipe?
190
00:11:17,981 --> 00:11:19,853
[Buzzes]
Mmm. Steal the chicken.
191
00:11:19,983 --> 00:11:24,205
Correct! Okay.
The most confusing day
in the ghetto?
192
00:11:24,335 --> 00:11:26,163
[Buzzes]
Father's Day.
193
00:11:26,294 --> 00:11:28,557
Correct!
194
00:11:28,688 --> 00:11:31,647
- Why don't the Chinese
carry change?
- [Buzzer Buzzes]
195
00:11:31,778 --> 00:11:34,258
Keith!
Uh, uh, because when it
jingle in their pocket,
196
00:11:34,389 --> 00:11:36,260
they think somebody's
calling their name.
197
00:11:36,391 --> 00:11:38,045
Chinga-lang-lang-lang-lang.
Chinga-lang.
198
00:11:38,175 --> 00:11:42,658
Correct! Okay. Why are
the Jews so damn cheap?
199
00:11:42,789 --> 00:11:45,922
-[Buzzes]
-[Beeping]
200
00:11:46,053 --> 00:11:49,012
[All Laughing]
201
00:11:49,143 --> 00:11:51,058
I am just saying.
202
00:11:51,188 --> 00:11:54,322
I know who knows
Mel Gibson! Whoo! Okay.
203
00:11:54,452 --> 00:11:57,847
-Why do Arabs wear towels
on their heads?
-[Buzzes]
204
00:11:57,978 --> 00:12:01,111
To hide the bomb
and the pornography.
205
00:12:01,242 --> 00:12:06,943
Correct! And finally,
why can't the races get along?
206
00:12:07,074 --> 00:12:11,252
Why can't the races get along?
Not much time, guys.
207
00:12:11,382 --> 00:12:14,168
If you don't answer correctly,
you both will get
Lashaunda's double slap.
208
00:12:17,519 --> 00:12:19,434
-[Grunts]
-Dana?
209
00:12:19,564 --> 00:12:24,395
The psychological perception
of the equality of the races...
210
00:12:24,526 --> 00:12:27,529
is defeated by
human insecurity?
211
00:12:27,659 --> 00:12:29,792
[Grant]
Judges?
212
00:12:31,881 --> 00:12:35,972
[Bell Ringing]
Correct! Yes! Yes!
213
00:12:36,103 --> 00:12:38,540
The other acceptable
answer is:
214
00:12:38,670 --> 00:12:42,544
People are just plain assholes.
215
00:12:42,674 --> 00:12:46,548
Dana, you're our winner!
Great! Get me out
of this thing.
216
00:12:46,678 --> 00:12:48,680
[Cheering]
Take it off.
217
00:12:50,508 --> 00:12:53,163
-[Shouting]
-Okay, yes!
218
00:12:53,294 --> 00:12:55,165
Hold on, Grant.
What about me?
What'd I win?
219
00:12:55,296 --> 00:12:57,211
[Laughing]
You.
220
00:12:57,341 --> 00:12:59,169
I'm sorry, Keith.
That was the lightning round,
221
00:12:59,300 --> 00:13:01,868
so you get
the lightning!
Yes!
222
00:13:01,998 --> 00:13:05,654
Is that a new car?
223
00:13:05,785 --> 00:13:08,831
Ow. Oh. I got Jheri curl
in my eye. Oh!
224
00:13:08,962 --> 00:13:11,442
Okay, that's our show.
225
00:13:11,573 --> 00:13:15,272
See you next time
on My Last Nerve!
226
00:13:20,930 --> 00:13:24,586
That last show is indicative of
the problems with this country.
227
00:13:24,716 --> 00:13:27,894
To make light of the ongoing
problems of racial minorities...
228
00:13:28,024 --> 00:13:30,635
is typical of the ignorance
of the media.
229
00:13:30,766 --> 00:13:35,118
The so-called "humorous"
references to our culture
demean and divide us!
230
00:13:35,249 --> 00:13:37,686
Hey!
What?
231
00:13:37,817 --> 00:13:39,819
Shut the fuck up!
232
00:13:44,736 --> 00:13:47,870
[Announcer]In 2005, U.R.
News reporter Penny Mason...
233
00:13:48,001 --> 00:13:51,308
was sent into
the inner city of Los Angeles
to investigate reports...
234
00:13:51,439 --> 00:13:56,096
that there was
a supernatural entity,
a vampire, living in the city.
235
00:13:56,226 --> 00:13:58,185
Penny and her cameraman
were never found.
236
00:13:58,315 --> 00:14:00,187
This footage was.
237
00:14:00,317 --> 00:14:02,972
Is there a vampire here?
238
00:14:03,103 --> 00:14:05,148
I'm gonna
call you back.
239
00:14:05,279 --> 00:14:08,760
Devontay Jackson,
creature of the night.
240
00:14:08,891 --> 00:14:10,937
Pleased to meet you.
241
00:14:11,067 --> 00:14:13,940
Well, this isn't exactly
what we expected.
242
00:14:14,070 --> 00:14:16,029
Let me tell you
somethin'.
243
00:14:16,159 --> 00:14:19,119
Brothers around here
have been representing
the undead for a long time.
244
00:14:19,249 --> 00:14:23,036
Yeah, we about to take
this shit over too. Just like
we took over the NBA.
245
00:14:23,166 --> 00:14:26,909
Well, okay.
So, Mr. Devontay,
246
00:14:27,040 --> 00:14:30,608
can you tell us
how you became a vampire?
247
00:14:30,739 --> 00:14:32,610
Well, actually,
that's a long story.
248
00:14:32,741 --> 00:14:35,962
Let's just put it this way.
Ain't no more free booty in L.A.
249
00:14:36,092 --> 00:14:38,790
Well, don't I know it.
250
00:14:38,921 --> 00:14:41,576
Seriously, why did you let us
have the interview?
251
00:14:41,706 --> 00:14:43,708
'Cause I'm pissed off.
252
00:14:43,839 --> 00:14:46,059
I'm mean, used to be a time
a brother could go out,
253
00:14:46,189 --> 00:14:49,062
snatch a honey up,
be home before sunrise.
254
00:14:49,192 --> 00:14:51,368
Usedto be a time.
255
00:14:51,499 --> 00:14:55,503
But now something
is wrong?
Yeah.
256
00:14:55,633 --> 00:14:58,767
Now the blood supply
is nasty as a motherfucker.
257
00:14:59,855 --> 00:15:01,901
I don't know
what that means.
258
00:15:02,031 --> 00:15:05,861
What I mean is that folks is
putting all kind of impurities
into their body.
259
00:15:05,992 --> 00:15:08,951
Drugs, cigarettes,
medications.
260
00:15:09,082 --> 00:15:11,301
I bit this one chick
on the neck, right.
261
00:15:11,432 --> 00:15:13,695
She on antidepressant.
Mmm.
262
00:15:13,825 --> 00:15:16,480
Next thing I know, I'm about
to kill my fucking self.
263
00:15:16,611 --> 00:15:19,353
I'm trying to ram a stake
through my own heart.
264
00:15:19,483 --> 00:15:23,139
Then I tried to go out
and get baptized.
265
00:15:23,270 --> 00:15:26,186
Luckily, I came to my senses
before I walked in that church.
266
00:15:26,316 --> 00:15:28,188
I see.
267
00:15:29,537 --> 00:15:31,539
You see?
Nah, you don't see.
268
00:15:31,669 --> 00:15:35,064
This thing is huge.
It's of epic proportion.
269
00:15:35,195 --> 00:15:39,939
Right now
it's very difficult
to be a vampire.
270
00:15:40,069 --> 00:15:44,378
I didn't realize that vampires
were so concerned with
the quality of the blood.
271
00:15:44,508 --> 00:15:49,252
Do you realize that one time I--
one time I bit this chick,
right? She was anemic.
272
00:15:49,383 --> 00:15:52,081
I spent six hours
sucking on her neck.
273
00:15:52,212 --> 00:15:54,605
I look like somebody
got six hours to waste?
274
00:15:54,736 --> 00:15:57,565
I don't think so.
See, it ain't all about
just biting with me.
275
00:15:57,695 --> 00:16:00,829
I do other things.
I get out every now and then,
go horseback riding.
276
00:16:00,960 --> 00:16:04,833
I'm particularly keen
on white-water rafting.
277
00:16:04,964 --> 00:16:09,664
I like playing video games,
okay. I have to do it all
within a 10-hour period, okay.
278
00:16:09,794 --> 00:16:11,927
Now, if I spend six of it
biting somebody,
279
00:16:12,058 --> 00:16:14,582
I don't have no time
to play PlayStation.
280
00:16:14,712 --> 00:16:19,717
Well, um--[Clears Throat]
what can we do to fix
this problem?
281
00:16:19,848 --> 00:16:21,806
I tell you what we could do.
282
00:16:21,937 --> 00:16:25,375
We could start living healthy.
How about that?
283
00:16:25,506 --> 00:16:27,943
Stop putting all the bullshit
in your body.
284
00:16:28,074 --> 00:16:31,947
And stop going to them
funky-ass Indian restaurants.
285
00:16:32,078 --> 00:16:35,429
You ever see a bat with gas?
It's fucked up!
286
00:16:35,559 --> 00:16:38,998
Well, I have to tell you
I agree with you on that one.
287
00:16:39,128 --> 00:16:41,348
I mean, I'm a regular
health nut myself.
288
00:16:41,478 --> 00:16:45,439
-Word?
-Oh, yes. I eat
only organic food.
289
00:16:45,569 --> 00:16:47,441
I drink
natural springwater,
290
00:16:47,571 --> 00:16:51,010
and, well, if you can't tell,
I work out like a demon.
291
00:16:51,140 --> 00:16:53,969
Yeah. You look like
you work out.
[Laughs]
292
00:16:54,100 --> 00:16:56,928
[Man]
Uh, Penny, uh, I don't think
it's such a good idea--
293
00:16:57,059 --> 00:17:00,584
Hey, shut up, man! Let the woman
finish talking. What was you
getting ready to say?
294
00:17:00,715 --> 00:17:05,111
I was just saying that, well,
I am probably the healthiest...
295
00:17:07,113 --> 00:17:10,768
person I know--
Oh, God!
296
00:17:10,899 --> 00:17:15,251
Why you gonna run?
I can fly, bitch!
297
00:17:15,382 --> 00:17:18,646
[Dings]
[Man]
Shit. What just happened?
298
00:17:18,776 --> 00:17:21,040
[Man #2]
Someone's flippin' the channels
with that remote and just...
299
00:17:21,170 --> 00:17:24,782
paused their goddamn TiVo.
They would do it right when
my drawers rode up on me.
300
00:17:24,913 --> 00:17:27,742
Ooh, when we unfreeze
that's your white ass
for hitting that button.
301
00:17:27,872 --> 00:17:30,788
Why's it always gotta
be about my white ass?
[Dings]
302
00:17:30,919 --> 00:17:33,356
Hello. We're
a black gospel choir.
303
00:17:33,487 --> 00:17:35,402
♪ Black gospel choir
304
00:17:35,532 --> 00:17:39,101
You may have seen us used
in movies that make you cry
near the end.
305
00:17:39,232 --> 00:17:41,843
♪ We can make you cry
306
00:17:41,973 --> 00:17:46,108
Or singing behind white people
to make them sound,
well, like black people.
307
00:17:46,239 --> 00:17:48,415
♪ We can make you sound black
308
00:17:48,545 --> 00:17:51,331
Because people loved us so much,
we decided to go out...
309
00:17:51,461 --> 00:17:53,985
and spread love,
peace and harmony to
the whole wide world.
310
00:17:54,116 --> 00:17:55,987
♪ Amen
311
00:17:56,118 --> 00:17:57,467
Don't touch me.
This forever.
312
00:17:57,598 --> 00:17:59,208
No, it ain't forever.
It's over.
It's over?
313
00:17:59,339 --> 00:18:01,993
Yes, it's "ova."
O-V-A. "Ova."
Let me ask you something.
314
00:18:02,124 --> 00:18:04,083
What?
Guess who don't
give a damn!
315
00:18:04,213 --> 00:18:07,912
♪ I've got joy
Indescribable joy ♪
316
00:18:08,043 --> 00:18:11,046
♪ Filling up my heart
Oh, oh, oh ♪
317
00:18:11,177 --> 00:18:13,657
♪ Hallelujah
318
00:18:13,788 --> 00:18:16,095
♪ Joy
Nothing but pure joy ♪
319
00:18:16,225 --> 00:18:19,968
♪ I've got to tell it
I just want to share it ♪
320
00:18:20,099 --> 00:18:24,103
♪ This joy I can't
keep to myself ♪
321
00:18:24,233 --> 00:18:26,235
♪ Black gospel choir
322
00:18:26,366 --> 00:18:28,237
[Out Of Tune]
♪ Oh, yeah
323
00:18:28,368 --> 00:18:30,761
[Quacking]
[Sighs]
324
00:18:32,241 --> 00:18:36,115
♪ I've got love
Indescribable love ♪
325
00:18:36,245 --> 00:18:39,118
♪ Filling up my heart
Oh, oh, oh ♪
326
00:18:39,248 --> 00:18:41,729
♪ Hallelujah
327
00:18:41,859 --> 00:18:44,079
♪ Love
Nothing but pure love ♪
328
00:18:44,210 --> 00:18:47,996
♪ I've got to tell it
I just want to share it ♪
329
00:18:48,127 --> 00:18:52,218
♪ This love I can't
keep to myself ♪
330
00:18:52,348 --> 00:18:58,746
♪ Oh, yeah
331
00:18:58,876 --> 00:19:02,228
Wow! [Laughs]
Thank you,
Black Gospel Choir.
332
00:19:02,358 --> 00:19:04,404
♪ You're welcome
white singer ♪
333
00:19:04,534 --> 00:19:06,493
Oh, you're the best!
334
00:19:06,623 --> 00:19:09,931
So remember, wherever
there's anger, discord--
Or white people singing--
335
00:19:10,061 --> 00:19:13,630
The black gospel choir
will be there
to make things right.
336
00:19:13,761 --> 00:19:15,632
♪ Black gospel choir ♪
[Dings]
337
00:19:20,246 --> 00:19:24,293
Nigga!
Nigga!
338
00:19:26,077 --> 00:19:27,949
Nigga, nigga, nigga?
339
00:19:28,079 --> 00:19:30,691
Nigga, nigga.
[Chuckles]
340
00:19:30,821 --> 00:19:32,823
Nigga--
341
00:19:32,954 --> 00:19:35,913
Nigga, nigga, nigga, nigga.
342
00:19:36,044 --> 00:19:38,481
Nigga.
343
00:19:38,612 --> 00:19:41,876
Nigga, nigga, nigga, nigga?
344
00:19:42,006 --> 00:19:43,965
[Chuckles]
Nigga?
345
00:19:44,095 --> 00:19:46,315
Nigga, nigga, nigga.
346
00:19:46,446 --> 00:19:49,971
Nigga, nig--Ni-Ni--
Nigga, nigga!
347
00:19:50,101 --> 00:19:52,582
Nigga, nigga, nigga,
nigga, nigga.
348
00:19:52,713 --> 00:19:55,803
Nigga, nigga, nigga!
Nigga, nigga.
349
00:19:55,933 --> 00:19:57,544
[Arguing Continues]
350
00:19:57,674 --> 00:20:00,024
Nigga!
351
00:20:00,155 --> 00:20:02,984
My brothers, my brothers,
my brothers, my brothers,
my brothers!
352
00:20:03,114 --> 00:20:04,986
Let's not do this.
353
00:20:07,945 --> 00:20:09,295
Nigga.
354
00:20:09,425 --> 00:20:10,818
Nigga!
Nigga.
355
00:20:10,948 --> 00:20:13,516
That's right. Hug.
[Together]
Nigga.
356
00:20:13,647 --> 00:20:15,997
Hoo!
Love, peace and blessings,
my brother.
357
00:20:17,694 --> 00:20:19,653
Such absurdity.
358
00:20:22,177 --> 00:20:26,921
[Announcer]
In 1983, a local independent TV
station, KMMFA in Connecticut,
359
00:20:27,051 --> 00:20:29,053
aired a children's program
so controversial...
360
00:20:29,184 --> 00:20:32,013
that it was yanked from the air
while it was being broadcast.
361
00:20:32,143 --> 00:20:36,800
The producers of this film have
found the only remaining copy
of this groundbreaking show.
362
00:20:41,240 --> 00:20:45,026
[Man Narrating]
Matthew 13:55 and Mark 6:3...
363
00:20:45,156 --> 00:20:48,203
tell of Jesus'
younger brother, James.
364
00:20:48,334 --> 00:20:53,991
This is the untold story
of James, brother of Jesus.
365
00:20:54,122 --> 00:20:57,038
[Lowing]
366
00:20:57,168 --> 00:20:59,562
[Chickens Clucking]
367
00:21:03,697 --> 00:21:07,091
Your son could fix that
for you in two seconds,
you know, Joseph.
368
00:21:07,222 --> 00:21:10,051
Mary, I'm trying
to deter him from using
his abilities so much.
369
00:21:10,181 --> 00:21:12,923
Oh, ability "schmability."
Let the boy be who he is.
370
00:21:13,054 --> 00:21:15,709
He's already attracting
too much attention.
It's dangerous.
371
00:21:15,839 --> 00:21:19,103
-Wait. Do you hear that?
-I don't hear anything.
372
00:21:19,234 --> 00:21:22,063
Well, the last time it got
this quiet, somebody had turned
his brother into a goose.
373
00:21:22,193 --> 00:21:24,544
- [Laugh Track]
-Mmm, I remember.
374
00:21:24,674 --> 00:21:26,937
We almost ate him
for Passover.
[Laughter Continues]
375
00:21:27,068 --> 00:21:29,462
Boys? Everything
all right?
376
00:21:29,592 --> 00:21:33,466
[Roaring]
Boys, get out here
right now!
377
00:21:33,596 --> 00:21:36,556
[Screaming]
[Laughter]
378
00:21:36,686 --> 00:21:38,688
Jesus?
379
00:21:38,819 --> 00:21:40,777
Yes, Joseph?
[Choir]
♪ That darn Jesus ♪
380
00:21:40,908 --> 00:21:42,866
[Woman]
♪ Blessed little stranger ♪
381
00:21:42,997 --> 00:21:44,999
♪ That darn Jesus ♪
♪ Born in a manger ♪
382
00:21:45,129 --> 00:21:47,654
♪ That darn Jesus
He's the man ♪
383
00:21:47,784 --> 00:21:50,178
♪ He's the man ♪
384
00:21:50,309 --> 00:21:52,659
♪ That darn Jesus ♪
♪ Teenage king ♪
385
00:21:52,789 --> 00:21:55,009
♪ That darn Jesus ♪
♪ Reign supreme ♪
386
00:21:55,139 --> 00:21:59,492
♪ Jesus ♪
387
00:21:59,622 --> 00:22:04,018
Jesus, how many times
have I told you, no animal
metamorphosis in the house?
388
00:22:04,148 --> 00:22:08,327
Sorry, Joseph,
but we were just playing
"Guess Who's the Son of God."
389
00:22:08,457 --> 00:22:11,025
I've had it, father!
I can't live with him anymore.
390
00:22:11,155 --> 00:22:13,636
He's sick!
Calm down, Son.
391
00:22:13,767 --> 00:22:17,336
Yeah, be chill
on da real, homey.
I was just trippin', yo.
392
00:22:17,466 --> 00:22:21,035
And what have I told you about
speaking in future tongues?
Sorry, Joseph.
393
00:22:21,165 --> 00:22:23,037
You two must learn
to get along.
394
00:22:23,167 --> 00:22:25,996
"You two"? Did I turn myself
into a tiger?
395
00:22:26,127 --> 00:22:29,217
Uh, it was a puma.
Stick it, you nut.
396
00:22:29,348 --> 00:22:31,959
Jesus, go help your mother
with dinner.
[Snaps]
397
00:22:32,089 --> 00:22:34,483
Anything else?
I keep forgetting.
398
00:22:34,614 --> 00:22:36,616
I need to talk to
your brother alone
for a minute.
399
00:22:36,746 --> 00:22:39,706
And don't...
disappear.
400
00:22:39,836 --> 00:22:42,622
Now, James, you have
to allow your brother
a few liberties.
401
00:22:42,752 --> 00:22:46,930
Liberties? Yesterday, he turned
my bed into quicksand.
402
00:22:47,061 --> 00:22:49,933
Oh. Ooh.
[Yelps]
403
00:22:50,064 --> 00:22:52,109
The day before,
a rain cloud followed me.
404
00:22:52,240 --> 00:22:53,937
[Thunderclap]
Aaah!
405
00:22:54,068 --> 00:22:58,246
He put my feet on backwards
and I fell on my face!
406
00:22:58,377 --> 00:23:02,119
-Oh, oh--Oh!
-He means well.
407
00:23:02,250 --> 00:23:04,383
Oh, yeah.
He's a real mensch.
408
00:23:04,513 --> 00:23:07,211
James, brothers have
been having these
little problems for years.
409
00:23:07,342 --> 00:23:09,562
But brothers also have
a special connection,
410
00:23:09,692 --> 00:23:12,695
a natural ability to love
and protect each other.
411
00:23:12,826 --> 00:23:15,219
Three words: Cain and Abel.
412
00:23:15,350 --> 00:23:19,267
I know it's a lot to ask, but
I'd just like you to try and be
little more patient with Jesus.
413
00:23:19,398 --> 00:23:23,010
That's hard to do
when you wake up on fire.
414
00:23:23,140 --> 00:23:25,534
Are you still mad
about that? Look,
415
00:23:25,665 --> 00:23:28,363
I didn't want to tell you this,
but your brother's birthday
is coming up and--
416
00:23:28,494 --> 00:23:33,586
How could I forget? He'll be
getting the usual big bash
with presents galore.
417
00:23:33,716 --> 00:23:38,025
Everybody loves Jesus.
They act like it's a holiday
or something.
418
00:23:38,155 --> 00:23:42,246
Well, this year, Jesus will
be 13, and God will reveal
his destiny to him.
419
00:23:42,377 --> 00:23:44,423
He'll need his family
to help him.
420
00:23:44,553 --> 00:23:49,166
Let me get this straight.
The guy who walks on my
bathwater will need my help?
421
00:23:49,297 --> 00:23:52,082
Yes, and who knows
what we will be
called upon to do.
422
00:23:52,213 --> 00:23:55,956
But in the meantime--
I know. We have
to keep it a secret.
423
00:23:56,086 --> 00:23:59,089
That's my boy.
Now, let's go see
what's for dinner.
424
00:23:59,220 --> 00:24:03,964
Okay. But if he does
the "water or wine" joke
again, I'll smack him.
425
00:24:04,094 --> 00:24:05,748
[Laughter]
[Door Opens]
426
00:24:05,879 --> 00:24:08,447
Hey! Hey, good neighbors!
427
00:24:08,577 --> 00:24:11,928
Come in, Paul.
Join us.
Don't mind if I do.
428
00:24:12,059 --> 00:24:15,149
Hello, James.
How's the food tonight?
429
00:24:15,279 --> 00:24:17,368
The meat's tough,
the corn's salty,
and the wine's sour.
430
00:24:17,499 --> 00:24:20,763
But you know what they say--
nobody's perfect.
431
00:24:20,894 --> 00:24:23,984
Jesus, you should be able
to take a little criticism.
432
00:24:24,114 --> 00:24:26,726
But he's being mean
on purpose.
433
00:24:26,856 --> 00:24:30,556
Apologize to
your brother, James.
No. It's okay, Mother.
434
00:24:30,686 --> 00:24:34,429
James, I forgive you.
♪ [Chords]
435
00:24:34,560 --> 00:24:38,128
Ahh. Love that music.
436
00:24:38,259 --> 00:24:41,741
You know, I don't want
you guys to think
that I come over here...
437
00:24:41,871 --> 00:24:44,570
just because I know about
Jesus', uh, parentage.
438
00:24:44,700 --> 00:24:47,137
Nope.
I love you guys.
[Sighs]
439
00:24:47,268 --> 00:24:50,489
What do you want, Paul?
Hey, what's with
the attitude?
440
00:24:50,619 --> 00:24:54,014
What Mary means is we rely
on you to bring us news
from the capital.
441
00:24:54,144 --> 00:24:56,016
Paul, have you heard any?
442
00:24:56,146 --> 00:25:01,064
Well, the Romans have been
asking questions again.
443
00:25:01,195 --> 00:25:03,153
What kind of questions
are they asking, Paul?
444
00:25:03,284 --> 00:25:07,941
Oh, the usual.
Are the taxes being paid?
Will the lions go undefeated?
445
00:25:08,071 --> 00:25:10,247
Who's the Messiah
and how can we kill him?
446
00:25:10,378 --> 00:25:14,121
[Gasping]
Oh, no.
Joseph what will we do?
447
00:25:14,251 --> 00:25:17,603
Maybe we should move.
No. I'm not going
through that again.
448
00:25:17,733 --> 00:25:20,649
Every time I settle down
and make friends,
we have to run.
449
00:25:20,780 --> 00:25:22,695
No way. Not this time.
450
00:25:22,825 --> 00:25:26,394
James, this is no time
to think of yourself.
Jesus is in danger.
451
00:25:26,525 --> 00:25:30,137
So what?
He can just snap his fingers
and make it all go away.
452
00:25:30,267 --> 00:25:35,055
It's not that easy, Son.
Of course it isn't.
That's because it affects me.
453
00:25:35,185 --> 00:25:38,014
You are so selfish.
Why can't you be more
like your brother?
454
00:25:38,145 --> 00:25:41,409
You know why I can't.
I didn't ask for any of this.
455
00:25:41,540 --> 00:25:45,544
So go ahead and move,
and take "magic boy"
with you.
456
00:25:45,674 --> 00:25:50,070
You know, it's amazing
how much that kid
takes after his mother.
457
00:25:50,200 --> 00:25:53,421
[Groans]
[Jesus]
Oops, my bad.
458
00:25:53,552 --> 00:25:57,904
♪ Jesus ♪
459
00:25:58,034 --> 00:26:00,341
[Announcer]
First, there was
the meat lovers pizza.
460
00:26:00,471 --> 00:26:02,952
Then, the cheese
stuffed crust pizza.
461
00:26:03,083 --> 00:26:07,000
And now, because Americans
just can't get enough shit
on their pizzas,
462
00:26:07,130 --> 00:26:08,915
Pizza Fort presents--
[Man]
Whoa!
463
00:26:09,045 --> 00:26:11,004
[Man #2 Announcing]
The roasted pig stuffed pizza!
464
00:26:11,134 --> 00:26:14,268
The all new roasted pig
stuffed pizza from Pizza Fort.
465
00:26:14,398 --> 00:26:17,053
Top that, motherfuckers.
466
00:26:17,184 --> 00:26:19,012
[Announcer]
News flash.
The Middle East.
467
00:26:19,142 --> 00:26:21,971
Arab and Jewish leaders today
agreed to decide
their differences...
468
00:26:22,102 --> 00:26:24,757
with a game of
"rock, paper, scissors."
469
00:26:24,887 --> 00:26:28,064
The Arabs had at first
proposed a game of
"bomb, turban, falafel,"
470
00:26:28,195 --> 00:26:32,329
while the Jews had suggested
"guilt, bargain, kugel."
471
00:26:32,460 --> 00:26:35,942
In a related story,
the United States today lost
Connecticut to Canada...
472
00:26:36,072 --> 00:26:39,510
in a game of "sex, drugs
and rock and roll."
473
00:26:46,039 --> 00:26:49,956
Another great birthday party.
Look at all those presents.
474
00:26:50,086 --> 00:26:53,002
Look at the necklace
little Mary Magdalene
made him.
475
00:26:53,133 --> 00:26:55,004
They make a nice couple.
476
00:26:55,135 --> 00:26:57,180
I hope they don't make me
a grandmother too soon.
477
00:26:57,311 --> 00:26:59,356
It's abnormal
for so many people
to like him so much.
478
00:26:59,487 --> 00:27:02,098
Oh, there weren't that many
people at the party.
479
00:27:02,229 --> 00:27:05,145
♪ [Folk Dance]
[Chattering]
480
00:27:08,148 --> 00:27:10,367
[Woman]
Hey, Jesus, happy birthday.
481
00:27:12,282 --> 00:27:14,633
[Guests Oohing, Aahing]
482
00:27:18,637 --> 00:27:21,378
♪ Happy birthday, Jesus
483
00:27:21,509 --> 00:27:23,424
♪ Black gospel choir
484
00:27:23,554 --> 00:27:27,254
The Romans might hear about it.
They are vile, corrupt men.
485
00:27:27,384 --> 00:27:31,388
They have great hairdressers
though. I'd kill for
that Augustus curly perm.
486
00:27:31,519 --> 00:27:34,435
So, your other son has been
in his room all day.
487
00:27:34,565 --> 00:27:37,568
-I think it's serious
this time.
-Nonsense. He'll get over it.
488
00:27:37,699 --> 00:27:40,441
Mary, James wants to hear
his mother say he matters.
489
00:27:40,571 --> 00:27:43,487
What?
Of course he matters.
He's my baby.
490
00:27:43,618 --> 00:27:46,055
Don't tell me.
Tell your son.
491
00:27:46,186 --> 00:27:49,842
I certainly will tell him,
as soon as I scrub the excrement
off Jesus' sandals.
492
00:27:49,972 --> 00:27:54,107
Or right now could be
a good time too.
[Laughter]
493
00:27:54,237 --> 00:27:56,457
Joseph?
C-Can we talk?
494
00:27:56,587 --> 00:27:58,981
Sure. I just have
to finish this chair.
495
00:27:59,112 --> 00:28:02,071
So, did you enjoy
your party?
Yes, it was nice.
496
00:28:02,202 --> 00:28:05,988
Although I think people
got suspicious when
those birds showed up.
497
00:28:06,119 --> 00:28:09,122
[Twittering]
[Laughter]
498
00:28:09,252 --> 00:28:11,167
So what is it?
You look troubled.
499
00:28:11,298 --> 00:28:15,084
Well, I was just in the barn
talking to the cow--
Hey, how is she?
500
00:28:15,215 --> 00:28:18,131
Fine. She says
try warming your hands
once in a while.
501
00:28:18,261 --> 00:28:22,439
Anyway, we were talking,
and my father revealed
my destiny to me.
502
00:28:22,570 --> 00:28:25,616
He did? Finally.
503
00:28:25,747 --> 00:28:30,186
Uh, well, I'll keep working
and we'll just...
talk about it right here.
504
00:28:30,317 --> 00:28:32,188
I don't know
where to begin.
505
00:28:33,712 --> 00:28:36,715
That's a good place.
[Murmuring]
506
00:28:38,542 --> 00:28:41,241
Hello, Son.
I came to talk to you.
507
00:28:41,371 --> 00:28:44,940
About what?
Our relationship.
508
00:28:45,071 --> 00:28:47,551
[Laughing]
509
00:28:47,682 --> 00:28:50,554
Nice try, Jesus.
I know it's you.
510
00:28:50,685 --> 00:28:52,731
No, it's your mother,
Mary.
511
00:28:52,861 --> 00:28:57,344
Okay, so you might be Mom.
So what's to talk about?
512
00:28:57,474 --> 00:29:01,087
Listen, I just thought
we needed to talk about
why you're unhappy.
513
00:29:01,217 --> 00:29:04,003
On my last birthday,
I got a stick.
514
00:29:04,133 --> 00:29:07,180
That was a shepherd's staff.
I picked it out myself.
515
00:29:07,310 --> 00:29:09,356
And nothing says love
like a stick.
516
00:29:09,486 --> 00:29:11,750
James, I don't like it
when my kids are sad.
517
00:29:11,880 --> 00:29:14,100
I know it's hard
being Jesus' brother,
518
00:29:14,230 --> 00:29:16,406
but, see,
you're our firstborn.
519
00:29:16,537 --> 00:29:20,106
Wait a minute.
Jesus is a year older
than me.
520
00:29:20,236 --> 00:29:22,064
Sure, but he isn't
from me and your father.
521
00:29:22,195 --> 00:29:24,588
When I had Jesus,
it was a miracle.
522
00:29:24,719 --> 00:29:27,200
Hardly the slightest ripple
of labor pain.
523
00:29:27,330 --> 00:29:29,289
But when you were born--
whoa.
524
00:29:29,419 --> 00:29:33,336
It was like two Philistines
grabbed a thigh and--
Ick! Ew!
525
00:29:33,467 --> 00:29:37,340
Sorry. Anyway,
it was real childbirth
with you.
526
00:29:37,471 --> 00:29:40,561
And when it was over,
I held you in my arms...
527
00:29:40,691 --> 00:29:44,086
and knew that
I had accomplished
my own miracle.
528
00:29:45,218 --> 00:29:48,569
[Laughing]
529
00:29:48,699 --> 00:29:52,616
Man! You almost had me going
for a minute there, Jesus.
530
00:29:52,747 --> 00:29:56,098
You are good.
[Cries]
Oh, no.
531
00:29:56,229 --> 00:29:59,101
What have I done?
I've lost you.
532
00:29:59,232 --> 00:30:01,887
Mom, it really is you.
533
00:30:02,017 --> 00:30:04,106
You--You believe me?
534
00:30:04,237 --> 00:30:06,500
Yes. I've never
seen Jesus cry,
535
00:30:06,630 --> 00:30:09,024
and he'd never
let his hair get
in this condition.
536
00:30:09,155 --> 00:30:13,072
Oh. So, I'd better
get dinner going.
537
00:30:13,202 --> 00:30:15,944
Can I help?
I'll just get
your brother to--
538
00:30:16,075 --> 00:30:18,381
Yes.
I'd like some help.
539
00:30:18,512 --> 00:30:21,776
I think I remember
where the food is.
[Laughter]
540
00:30:23,691 --> 00:30:26,912
I'm going to make
dinner, Joseph.
It may take a while.
541
00:30:27,042 --> 00:30:29,088
Mary, Jesus knows
his destiny.
542
00:30:29,218 --> 00:30:33,135
So, what is it?
I can handle it.
543
00:30:33,266 --> 00:30:36,399
Bow before
the mighty power of Rome!
544
00:30:40,142 --> 00:30:43,711
Joseph the carpenter,
we are here for the boy Jesus.
545
00:30:43,842 --> 00:30:45,669
You can't come in here
like this!
546
00:30:45,800 --> 00:30:48,411
Silence!
Tell us where he is or--
547
00:30:48,542 --> 00:30:51,371
Well, hello there,
young mistress.
548
00:30:53,199 --> 00:30:56,202
Keep your mind
on business, soldier.
549
00:30:56,332 --> 00:30:58,944
Although I do see
your point.
550
00:30:59,074 --> 00:31:00,728
I demand you leave here
at once.
551
00:31:00,859 --> 00:31:03,078
We will leave
after we get the boy.
552
00:31:03,209 --> 00:31:06,386
What do you want
with him?
You know what we want.
553
00:31:06,516 --> 00:31:08,605
I'll fight you
if I have to.
554
00:31:08,736 --> 00:31:12,218
Good. Then I can slay you
and make off with
your young daughter here.
555
00:31:12,348 --> 00:31:15,177
-My brother is
in the backyard.
-James!
556
00:31:15,308 --> 00:31:18,224
Go outside, take a right,
and you can't miss him.
557
00:31:20,356 --> 00:31:25,187
Wait. Why is the young one
so eager to turn in
his brother?
558
00:31:25,318 --> 00:31:28,582
You, what is your name?
James.
I'm Jesus' brother.
559
00:31:28,712 --> 00:31:30,801
Really? And when
were you born?
560
00:31:30,932 --> 00:31:33,021
Uh, I forget.
561
00:31:33,152 --> 00:31:36,024
Aha! Thisis Jesus.
562
00:31:36,155 --> 00:31:39,158
We heard in the village
that he just celebrated
a birthday.
563
00:31:39,288 --> 00:31:41,638
No!
It's okay, Mother.
564
00:31:41,769 --> 00:31:44,163
They saw through it.
I'll go with them.
565
00:31:44,293 --> 00:31:47,079
I'll miss you.
We'll miss you too,
Son.
566
00:31:47,209 --> 00:31:49,951
Get out of here with Jesus
as fast as you can.
567
00:31:50,082 --> 00:31:53,824
James, I'm proud of you.
Yes, yes. We love you.
568
00:31:53,955 --> 00:31:56,175
Okay, boys, let's go.
569
00:31:59,482 --> 00:32:01,832
I never even got
to say good-bye.
570
00:32:01,963 --> 00:32:04,052
Your brother loved you.
Yes, he did.
571
00:32:04,183 --> 00:32:07,055
Hey! Somebody
going somewhere?
572
00:32:07,186 --> 00:32:09,492
James!
My son!
He got away.
573
00:32:09,623 --> 00:32:11,712
Quick.
We have to go.
No, we don't.
574
00:32:11,842 --> 00:32:14,106
The Romans wanted to draft
Jesus into the army.
575
00:32:14,236 --> 00:32:16,151
It's automatic
when you turn 13.
576
00:32:16,282 --> 00:32:19,328
That's right.
I completely forgot.
577
00:32:19,459 --> 00:32:21,548
They tested me
thinking I was him.
578
00:32:21,678 --> 00:32:25,900
I flunked every time.
They kicked me out
for being incompetent.
579
00:32:26,031 --> 00:32:30,339
Incompetent?
I knew that quality would
come in handy one day.
580
00:32:30,470 --> 00:32:33,212
-Can this day get any better?
-Yes.
581
00:32:33,342 --> 00:32:35,431
I got the name of
the Romans' hairdresser.
582
00:32:35,562 --> 00:32:38,869
Thank you.
Son, we're glad
to have you back.
583
00:32:39,000 --> 00:32:41,611
I guess we can
start unpacking.
584
00:32:41,742 --> 00:32:44,614
No, no more of that.
I really mean it.
585
00:32:44,745 --> 00:32:49,271
I'll get you
something to eat.
I'll help her find the food.
586
00:32:49,402 --> 00:32:52,666
I can't believe
you'd sacrifice yourself
for me.
587
00:32:52,796 --> 00:32:54,929
I'm sure you'd do
the same for me.
588
00:32:55,060 --> 00:32:59,107
There's Paul Iscariot.
Hey, hit him
with a rain cloud!
589
00:32:59,238 --> 00:33:01,196
[Snaps]
590
00:33:01,327 --> 00:33:03,024
[Thunder Rumbling]
591
00:33:03,155 --> 00:33:04,721
[Screams]
592
00:33:04,852 --> 00:33:06,549
[Laughing]
Oh, man!
593
00:33:06,680 --> 00:33:08,116
All right!
I'm awesome!
594
00:33:08,247 --> 00:33:11,554
Right on!
♪ Jesus ♪
595
00:33:11,685 --> 00:33:13,600
[Dings]
596
00:33:21,303 --> 00:33:23,175
Sorry I'm late.
597
00:33:23,305 --> 00:33:26,004
Ah. It's time
to get started.
598
00:33:28,049 --> 00:33:29,964
[Clears Throat]
599
00:33:30,095 --> 00:33:33,794
I hereby call to order
this meeting of
the gay mafia.
600
00:33:38,886 --> 00:33:42,977
First, we'd like to welcome
our friend in the gay yakuza.
601
00:33:43,108 --> 00:33:47,199
Ohayo gozaimasu.
Ohayo gozaimasu.
602
00:33:47,329 --> 00:33:52,073
The gay Russian mob.
Privyet.
Privyet.
603
00:33:52,204 --> 00:33:56,164
And the gay gangbangers.
What's up?
Back-alley bangers!
604
00:33:56,295 --> 00:33:58,384
We love that name,
by the way.
605
00:33:58,514 --> 00:34:01,169
Gets me goin'.
Gets me goin'.
Me too.
606
00:34:04,520 --> 00:34:07,523
We've been very good
at hiding our existence,
607
00:34:07,654 --> 00:34:10,178
but lately there
have been slipups.
608
00:34:11,571 --> 00:34:14,008
Carlo!
609
00:34:14,139 --> 00:34:17,098
As y'all know,
on a certain TV show...
610
00:34:17,229 --> 00:34:20,275
a certain wiseguy performed
a certain act of, uh--
611
00:34:20,406 --> 00:34:22,843
-He blew a guy!
-Oh, he blew a guy.
612
00:34:22,973 --> 00:34:26,107
Mob guys in movies
don't do that.
613
00:34:26,238 --> 00:34:27,674
It's no good.
It's no good.
No. Yes.
614
00:34:27,804 --> 00:34:29,676
What are we, cowboys?
615
00:34:29,806 --> 00:34:34,159
Hell to the no! Ain't nobody's
back broke up in here.
616
00:34:34,289 --> 00:34:36,335
I didn't understand
a word.
617
00:34:36,465 --> 00:34:38,511
Well, we can stop
this kind of scrutiny by--
[Japanese Man]Ah, scrutiny.
618
00:34:38,641 --> 00:34:42,123
-Isn't that a gay word?
-No, no, no.
That ain't gay. No.
619
00:34:42,254 --> 00:34:45,605
Sounds gay to me,
like "darling," "fabulous"--
620
00:34:45,735 --> 00:34:48,086
-Or Connecticut.
-Connecticut.
621
00:34:48,216 --> 00:34:53,613
-That's gay.
-Anyway, we can stop this kind
of crap by whackin' a few guys.
622
00:34:53,743 --> 00:34:57,791
Nice. Get Fat Georgie
and Right Eye on it
right away.
623
00:34:57,921 --> 00:35:03,231
-Fat Georgie was a friend
of mine. He was this--
-Okay. New business?
624
00:35:03,362 --> 00:35:07,801
Yes, uh, I'd now
like to confirm
the new secret codes.
625
00:35:07,931 --> 00:35:09,846
Okay.
Fine.
626
00:35:09,977 --> 00:35:15,852
Okay. "Man-ass"
is Harry Buttolli.
[Laughs]That's cute.
627
00:35:15,983 --> 00:35:18,203
"Oral" is
Lippy Sweetman.
628
00:35:18,333 --> 00:35:21,206
"Tea-bagging"
is what I need.
629
00:35:23,164 --> 00:35:26,298
-Hey!
-[All Laughing]
630
00:35:26,428 --> 00:35:29,431
Yo. All right, easy,
easy, easy, easy.
631
00:35:29,562 --> 00:35:31,085
Okay.
Okay.
632
00:35:31,216 --> 00:35:33,870
"Nipple sucking"
is Nipsy Lickman.
633
00:35:34,001 --> 00:35:36,090
Uh, okay. All right.
All right, that's fine.
634
00:35:36,221 --> 00:35:39,093
And "Ass licking"
is Gladiator.
635
00:35:39,224 --> 00:35:42,966
Ah! Gladiator.Russell Crowe
was awesome in that.
[Laughs]
636
00:35:43,097 --> 00:35:45,708
He's dreamy.
That was a good movie.
Good movie.
637
00:35:45,839 --> 00:35:49,016
Well, okay. I think that
concludes our business.
638
00:35:49,147 --> 00:35:52,367
Well, um, I got
something to say.
639
00:35:54,891 --> 00:35:57,503
Chair recognizes Sammy.
640
00:36:00,288 --> 00:36:02,334
Well, I was just wondering...
641
00:36:02,464 --> 00:36:05,293
why can't we just let
everybody know we're gay?
642
00:36:16,609 --> 00:36:19,307
I'm serious, you guys.
Hey, you guys, I'm serious.
643
00:36:19,438 --> 00:36:24,051
-That's a-funny!
-I'm serious, you guys.
I'm serious.
644
00:36:25,444 --> 00:36:28,055
I'm proud to be gay.
645
00:36:28,186 --> 00:36:31,580
God made me who I am,
and that's nothing
to be ashamed of.
646
00:36:31,711 --> 00:36:36,324
It's a perfectly
natural expression from
one man to another man.
647
00:36:36,455 --> 00:36:39,675
I think we should
be able to tell all
of our organizations...
648
00:36:39,806 --> 00:36:42,678
and they should respect us.
649
00:36:54,081 --> 00:36:56,649
We're very sorry you feel
this way, Sammy.
650
00:36:56,779 --> 00:36:58,694
Oh, Vito, I was just trying
to make a little point...
651
00:36:58,825 --> 00:37:03,221
about the things
that I feel and...
everything.
652
00:37:03,351 --> 00:37:07,660
Sorry, Sammy.
We gotta say here,
all of us--
653
00:37:07,790 --> 00:37:10,184
[Together]
Happy birthday!
♪ [Dance]
654
00:37:10,315 --> 00:37:12,795
Oh, my God! Bada-bing!
655
00:37:17,104 --> 00:37:19,019
You guys remembered!
656
00:37:19,149 --> 00:37:22,240
♪ [Continues]
657
00:37:22,370 --> 00:37:24,459
[Announcer]
This has been
Gay Mafia Secrets.
658
00:37:24,590 --> 00:37:27,157
Thank you, and "Gladiator"
to you all.
659
00:37:27,288 --> 00:37:30,117
[Dings]
That last story
was a feeble attempt...
660
00:37:30,248 --> 00:37:32,119
to make a serious point
about gay rights.
661
00:37:32,250 --> 00:37:34,077
The writer defeated his purpose
by lowering himself...
662
00:37:34,208 --> 00:37:36,210
to the use of base level
gay stereotypes.
663
00:37:36,341 --> 00:37:39,735
I mean, oral sex, anal sex.
[Scoffs]
664
00:37:39,866 --> 00:37:43,086
It's the same old tired
gay bait people have
been using for centuries.
665
00:37:43,217 --> 00:37:46,525
I, for one,
find it rather insulting--
all of it.
666
00:37:46,655 --> 00:37:49,876
[Announcer]
What about tea-bagging?
667
00:37:50,006 --> 00:37:53,880
Well, I mean, tea-bagging
is what I need.
668
00:37:57,971 --> 00:38:01,409
Hello. I'm Dr. Robert Anderson.
669
00:38:01,540 --> 00:38:05,195
In recent years, the American
divorce rate has skyrocketed.
670
00:38:05,326 --> 00:38:07,720
The family unit
has dissolved,
671
00:38:07,850 --> 00:38:10,810
weakening the nation's
social fabric.
672
00:38:10,940 --> 00:38:13,203
It is near crisis levels.
673
00:38:13,334 --> 00:38:18,600
Studies have shown
that it is men who are
the most unhappy in marriage.
674
00:38:18,731 --> 00:38:20,646
My team of scientists
have been working...
675
00:38:20,776 --> 00:38:23,997
for the past decade to resolve
this terrible dilemma.
676
00:38:24,127 --> 00:38:26,695
And we've come up with
a product so revolutionary...
677
00:38:26,826 --> 00:38:31,439
it will repair
this critical plight forever.
678
00:38:31,570 --> 00:38:36,575
"Another Bitch." It's simple,
elegant and effective.
679
00:38:36,705 --> 00:38:40,143
Another Bitch is
what every man needs
to keep him happy.
680
00:38:40,274 --> 00:38:44,234
Think of it. When she nags you,
when she spends too much money,
681
00:38:44,365 --> 00:38:49,588
when she cuts you off in bed,
you simply grab Another Bitch
and make due.
682
00:38:49,718 --> 00:38:51,590
Here are some testimonials.
683
00:38:51,720 --> 00:38:55,768
Shit, I was gonna
leave my wife.
Straight up.
684
00:38:55,898 --> 00:38:59,380
I love my kids
and everything.
But my wife?
685
00:38:59,511 --> 00:39:03,863
A whole different other story.
I mean, she was about to suck
the metaphysical life out of me.
686
00:39:04,907 --> 00:39:06,779
And to make matters worse,
687
00:39:06,909 --> 00:39:09,477
she gave head like
a boa constrictor.
688
00:39:09,608 --> 00:39:14,003
You know their teeth
is pointed to the back
so that you can't pull out...
689
00:39:14,134 --> 00:39:16,049
without rippin'.
690
00:39:16,179 --> 00:39:19,618
I ain't know what the fuck
I was gonna do, man. Shit.
691
00:39:19,748 --> 00:39:22,055
Until I found
Another Bitch.
692
00:39:24,449 --> 00:39:28,104
That's right.
Another Bitch.
693
00:39:28,235 --> 00:39:31,064
See, now, I don't mind
when my wife fucks
my days up.
694
00:39:31,194 --> 00:39:34,633
'Cause me?
I got Another Bitch.
695
00:39:34,763 --> 00:39:37,375
She fucks everything else.
696
00:39:41,814 --> 00:39:44,686
Our product comes with
a full money-back guarantee.
697
00:39:44,817 --> 00:39:47,080
If you don't forget about
the hellhole you're in,
698
00:39:47,210 --> 00:39:49,343
we'll cheerfully
refund your money.
699
00:39:49,474 --> 00:39:53,478
And for a limited time only,
we'll throw in a free
divorce lawyer or a pistol.
700
00:39:53,608 --> 00:39:56,306
And, ladies, don't think
we've forgotten about you.
701
00:39:57,917 --> 00:40:01,137
My husband is a fat,
lazy piece of shit.
702
00:40:01,268 --> 00:40:06,186
He doesn't make enough money,
and he couldn't find my clitoris
if he had a G.P.S. on his chin.
703
00:40:06,316 --> 00:40:09,581
Then I got Another Stud,
704
00:40:09,711 --> 00:40:14,107
also known as "Another Nigga,"
"Otro Hombre" and "Ling Fu."
705
00:40:14,237 --> 00:40:16,762
Now I get what I deserve...
706
00:40:16,892 --> 00:40:21,549
and I'm having orgasms
that could put another scar
on Harry Potter's forehead.
707
00:40:22,681 --> 00:40:24,552
Damn skippy.
708
00:40:24,683 --> 00:40:27,120
So come on. Let's save
those marriages.
709
00:40:27,250 --> 00:40:30,036
Go out and get Another Bitch
or Another Stud today.
710
00:40:30,166 --> 00:40:32,168
[Announcer]
Product has a 90-day
money-back guarantee.
711
00:40:32,299 --> 00:40:34,083
Do not use while driving
or operating heavy machinery.
712
00:40:34,214 --> 00:40:36,390
Not responsible for damage
to Asian or Mexican goods.
713
00:40:36,521 --> 00:40:38,218
Void where prohibited.
Prohibited where void.
Kiss my ass and call me Alice.
714
00:40:38,348 --> 00:40:39,306
[Dings]
715
00:40:39,437 --> 00:40:41,003
[Dings]
[Laughs]
716
00:40:41,134 --> 00:40:42,701
[Dings]
♪ [Hip-hop]
717
00:40:42,831 --> 00:40:46,095
[Dings]
I'm Lowell Easter, and welcome
to Real Politics,
718
00:40:46,226 --> 00:40:49,185
the news show
where we show you reality.
719
00:40:49,316 --> 00:40:52,101
We will conduct an interview
with a well-known politician...
720
00:40:52,232 --> 00:40:56,149
and our Apolitical Bullshit
Computer, or A.B.C.,
721
00:40:56,279 --> 00:40:58,847
will tell you
what he really means.
722
00:40:58,978 --> 00:41:03,678
As usual, our guest will not
be able to see or hear himself
on the A.B.C.
723
00:41:03,809 --> 00:41:07,116
Let's welcome now
Senator Conrad Bane.
724
00:41:07,247 --> 00:41:09,423
Thank you for coming, Senator.Thanks for having me, Lowell.
725
00:41:09,554 --> 00:41:11,469
Thanks for having me, Lowell.
726
00:41:11,599 --> 00:41:14,080
Senator, there are
a variety of topics
in the news to discuss.
727
00:41:14,210 --> 00:41:16,082
Why don't we start with
the war?
728
00:41:16,212 --> 00:41:18,737
Will you admit that it is
not going well?
729
00:41:18,867 --> 00:41:22,175
Democracy is natural
to human freedom,
730
00:41:22,305 --> 00:41:25,570
but it isn't easy to create
in certain regions of the world.
731
00:41:25,700 --> 00:41:27,876
Democracy is natural
to human freedom,
732
00:41:28,007 --> 00:41:29,574
but those people aren't human.
733
00:41:29,704 --> 00:41:32,272
You know what I mean?Interesting.
734
00:41:32,402 --> 00:41:34,230
It's been a tough road,
but in the end,
735
00:41:34,361 --> 00:41:36,668
freedom grows only...
736
00:41:36,798 --> 00:41:38,887
when tyranny dies.
737
00:41:39,018 --> 00:41:40,976
And thanks for asking,
you liberal faggot.
738
00:41:41,107 --> 00:41:42,935
I see.
739
00:41:43,065 --> 00:41:44,980
How am I doing?
740
00:41:45,111 --> 00:41:47,330
[Chuckles]
Unbelievably.
741
00:41:47,461 --> 00:41:51,160
Senator, do you like
black people?
742
00:41:51,291 --> 00:41:53,423
What? Uh--
743
00:41:53,554 --> 00:41:55,556
I won't dignify that question.
It's just absurd.
744
00:41:55,687 --> 00:41:58,167
Only the ones
that sing and play sports.
745
00:41:58,298 --> 00:42:00,953
Give Shaq a banjo,
and I'm in heaven.
746
00:42:01,083 --> 00:42:02,998
Have you ever had
animal sex?
747
00:42:03,129 --> 00:42:04,086
Are you insane?
748
00:42:04,217 --> 00:42:06,132
Yes.
But it was consensual.
749
00:42:06,262 --> 00:42:08,482
Did you mastermind 9/11?
750
00:42:08,613 --> 00:42:11,267
This interview is over.
751
00:42:11,398 --> 00:42:13,313
Yes, I did, infidel.
752
00:42:13,443 --> 00:42:15,881
That is a serious
admission, Senator.
753
00:42:16,011 --> 00:42:18,274
What damned admission?I crap on the flag.
754
00:42:18,405 --> 00:42:21,451
I'm afraid these agents from
Homeland Security will have to
take you for questioning.
755
00:42:21,582 --> 00:42:24,890
This is a frame-up.
Was it that bitch intern?
756
00:42:25,020 --> 00:42:26,674
I never should have hired her.
Well,
757
00:42:26,805 --> 00:42:28,676
you saw it here, America.
758
00:42:28,807 --> 00:42:31,723
Senator Conrad Bane
a terrorist sleeper.
759
00:42:31,853 --> 00:42:35,117
Join us next time
on Real Politics.
760
00:42:35,248 --> 00:42:37,293
Death to America!
761
00:42:39,644 --> 00:42:41,559
White folks.
[Dings]
762
00:42:50,045 --> 00:42:52,047
Check out my new car!
763
00:42:52,178 --> 00:42:54,136
This is nice!Girl, isn't it?
764
00:42:54,267 --> 00:42:56,748
But I thought
your credit was bad.Girl, it is,
765
00:42:56,878 --> 00:42:58,837
but I got with
some new credit company.
766
00:42:58,967 --> 00:43:01,579
All they wanted to do
was put in a computerized
bill collector.
767
00:43:01,709 --> 00:43:03,842
It tells you when
your bill late. Look.
768
00:43:03,972 --> 00:43:07,062
[Male Voice]
Your bill is overdue. Please
facilitate payment immediately.
769
00:43:07,193 --> 00:43:09,195
That is funny.
But why is it bothering you?
770
00:43:09,325 --> 00:43:10,936
'Cause I didn't pay the bill.
771
00:43:11,066 --> 00:43:15,114
Now, you know Purina
don't pay bills on time.
772
00:43:15,244 --> 00:43:18,334
Come on, girl.
Let's go shopping.
[Mumbles]
773
00:43:21,511 --> 00:43:23,078
It won't start.
[Beeping]
774
00:43:23,209 --> 00:43:26,038
Now switching to
secondary bill collector.
775
00:43:26,168 --> 00:43:28,083
[Together]
Secondary?
776
00:43:33,785 --> 00:43:36,614
[Male Voice #2]
Uh, where my money at, bitch?
777
00:43:36,744 --> 00:43:39,355
What the--Damn!
778
00:43:39,486 --> 00:43:42,924
Hold on. Hold on.
Wait, wait, wait.
I know you ain't talkin' to me.
779
00:43:43,055 --> 00:43:45,535
Oh, yes, I am, ya sorry,
triflin' deadbeat ho.
780
00:43:45,666 --> 00:43:48,756
Oh, no, he didn't.
You know what, girl?
I'm gonna turn this off.
781
00:43:48,887 --> 00:43:51,846
Yeah, and I got your ho.
Turn all you want, heifer.
782
00:43:51,977 --> 00:43:54,719
I'm in control
of this shit now. Do you
know who you messin' with?
783
00:43:54,849 --> 00:43:56,982
Do you know who I am?
784
00:43:57,112 --> 00:43:59,027
No. Who the hell are you?
785
00:43:59,158 --> 00:44:02,117
Bitch, I'm Automotive
Motherfucking Goddamn
Loan Corporation,
786
00:44:02,248 --> 00:44:04,293
and I don't takes no shit.
787
00:44:04,424 --> 00:44:06,644
Oh, mama.
Give him the money, girl.Girl, just screw this.
788
00:44:06,774 --> 00:44:09,951
I don't need
this damn car anyway.
789
00:44:10,082 --> 00:44:13,651
-I can't get out.
-You ain't goin' nowhere
till I gets my money.
790
00:44:13,781 --> 00:44:16,044
I can't get out either.
What did I do?
791
00:44:16,175 --> 00:44:18,264
Picked this broke ass bitch
for a friend, Lucy Liu.
792
00:44:18,394 --> 00:44:21,093
You know what?
You better let us go, or
I'm gonna tell my cousin--
793
00:44:21,223 --> 00:44:23,704
Or what? You done fucked with
the wrong damn computer.
794
00:44:23,835 --> 00:44:26,141
I'll keep your sorry ass
locked in till your
clothes come back in style.
795
00:44:26,272 --> 00:44:28,491
[Screaming, Jabbering][Screams]
Okay, okay, okay, okay!
796
00:44:28,622 --> 00:44:32,452
Okay. Okay. I'll pay you.
I'll pay you.
Just let me go to the A.T.M.
797
00:44:32,582 --> 00:44:34,280
You ain't got no money
in the A.T.M.
798
00:44:34,410 --> 00:44:36,456
How did you know that?
799
00:44:36,586 --> 00:44:39,328
Because the A.T.M.
is my nigga, and he narced
your broke ass out.
800
00:44:39,459 --> 00:44:42,941
- So you better get me my money,
and I don't care how.
-You want--I don't care.
801
00:44:43,071 --> 00:44:45,421
Borrow it, steal it,
shave your head and sell it
to a cancer patient, bitch,
802
00:44:45,552 --> 00:44:48,337
-but get me my money today.
-[Sobbing]
803
00:44:48,468 --> 00:44:51,514
Girl, why are you tripping?
This is a computer, okay?
804
00:44:51,645 --> 00:44:55,867
You can kiss my black ass.
805
00:44:55,997 --> 00:44:58,217
Cool. Arrivederci, bitch.
806
00:44:58,347 --> 00:44:59,697
[Tires Squeal]
807
00:44:59,827 --> 00:45:01,611
[Announcer]
Automotive Loan Corporation.
808
00:45:01,742 --> 00:45:03,701
You best be facilitating
our payment.
809
00:45:03,831 --> 00:45:06,442
[Crash]
810
00:45:06,573 --> 00:45:10,185
[Announcer]The producers
of this film were kicked out
of the real courts of law,
811
00:45:10,316 --> 00:45:13,711
so we present
The Court of Public Opinion.
812
00:45:16,278 --> 00:45:20,152
In today's case,
the People have indicted
the Digital Video Disc,
813
00:45:20,282 --> 00:45:22,502
a.k.a. the DVD,
814
00:45:22,632 --> 00:45:26,158
and charged him
with the heinous crime
of obsolescence.
815
00:45:26,288 --> 00:45:29,422
All rise.
816
00:45:29,552 --> 00:45:32,512
The Court of Public Opinion
is now in session,
817
00:45:32,642 --> 00:45:35,297
the Honorable Judge Vintage
presiding.
818
00:45:41,173 --> 00:45:43,131
[Judge Vintage]
Be seated.
819
00:45:44,829 --> 00:45:46,134
How does the defendant plead?
820
00:45:46,265 --> 00:45:48,310
Not guilty, Your Honor.I was set up.
821
00:45:48,441 --> 00:45:51,009
Silence.
822
00:45:51,139 --> 00:45:53,054
Ms. Prosecutor?
823
00:45:53,185 --> 00:45:56,536
I'd like to call
my first witness,
the analog phone.
824
00:45:56,666 --> 00:45:59,234
- [Wolf Whistle]
- [Crowd Chattering]
825
00:46:03,891 --> 00:46:06,241
Ms. Phone, why did you
go out of style?
826
00:46:06,372 --> 00:46:08,635
People just
couldn't understand me.
827
00:46:08,766 --> 00:46:11,420
Is it your opinion that
the defendant is obsolete?
828
00:46:11,551 --> 00:46:14,772
Well, I wouldn't say
so much obsolete--
[Crackly Static]
829
00:46:14,902 --> 00:46:17,165
[Loud Crackly Static]
830
00:46:17,296 --> 00:46:20,168
Jesus Christ!
Witness is dismissed.
831
00:46:20,299 --> 00:46:22,257
Sorry.
832
00:46:23,955 --> 00:46:26,435
Call your next witness.
833
00:46:26,566 --> 00:46:29,134
[Prosecutor]
The People call
the digital recorder.
834
00:46:29,264 --> 00:46:30,875
[Cheering]
835
00:46:35,357 --> 00:46:37,882
I love you all!
You love me more.
836
00:46:43,322 --> 00:46:45,237
State your name.
Digital Video Recorder.
837
00:46:45,367 --> 00:46:47,500
Do you have any aliases?
838
00:46:47,630 --> 00:46:50,068
Yeah. Some people
call me DVR or TiVo.
839
00:46:50,198 --> 00:46:54,246
That's actually a verb,
you know. Uh, like,
"Hey, I'm gonna TiVo this."
840
00:46:54,376 --> 00:46:56,074
[Chuckles]
I'm so clever.
841
00:46:56,204 --> 00:46:58,598
Can you tell the court
what you do?
842
00:46:58,728 --> 00:47:00,513
I digitally record video,
baby. It's like magic.
843
00:47:00,643 --> 00:47:02,776
And is that how you made
the defendant obsolete?
844
00:47:02,907 --> 00:47:06,954
Uh, well, yeah.
There's no need
for software anymore.
845
00:47:07,085 --> 00:47:09,522
-It's all going wireless.
-Th-That's not true.
846
00:47:09,652 --> 00:47:12,481
That's not true.
People love me. People love me.Okay. Okay. Calm down.
847
00:47:12,612 --> 00:47:15,833
Have you seen my grosses?
I got my own magazines
and charts, goddamn it.
848
00:47:15,963 --> 00:47:18,966
I can record two shows
at the same time.
849
00:47:19,097 --> 00:47:20,838
I'll kill you,
you son of a bitch!
850
00:47:20,968 --> 00:47:24,015
- [Gavel Raps]
-Order! Order!
851
00:47:24,145 --> 00:47:26,669
I got a question
for this witness.
852
00:47:27,801 --> 00:47:31,544
My, uh, box is acting funny.
853
00:47:31,674 --> 00:47:33,285
[Chuckles]
854
00:47:33,415 --> 00:47:35,678
Do you think you can
adjust it, baby?Of course.
855
00:47:35,809 --> 00:47:37,767
That's what I do best.Okay.
856
00:47:37,898 --> 00:47:40,335
Your Honor.
857
00:47:40,466 --> 00:47:43,686
Uh, witness excused.
858
00:47:43,817 --> 00:47:46,298
[Crowd Cheering]
859
00:47:49,214 --> 00:47:51,564
-[No Audible Dialogue]
- [Cheering Continues]
860
00:48:00,616 --> 00:48:03,141
The People call its special
expert witness.
861
00:48:03,271 --> 00:48:05,665
Uh, Your Honor,
the defense would like to
renew its objection...
862
00:48:05,795 --> 00:48:08,059
to this so-called
special witness.
863
00:48:08,189 --> 00:48:11,584
Your Honor, the People
have been working tirelessly
to get this witness here today.
864
00:48:11,714 --> 00:48:14,892
-He's a maniac.
-Your Honor,
this is legally ridiculous.
865
00:48:15,718 --> 00:48:17,111
Quiet!
866
00:48:17,242 --> 00:48:20,245
I've ruled on this
already, counselor.
867
00:48:21,333 --> 00:48:24,292
Bring in the witness.
868
00:48:24,423 --> 00:48:26,991
The people call the Betamax.
869
00:48:27,121 --> 00:48:29,080
[Crowd Murmuring]
870
00:48:36,565 --> 00:48:40,004
[Announcer]
The Betamax was made obsolete
by the VCR in 1985.
871
00:48:40,134 --> 00:48:43,964
He was convicted and sentenced
to life in prison.
872
00:48:44,095 --> 00:48:45,270
[No Audible Dialogue]
873
00:48:56,890 --> 00:48:59,501
State your name.You know my name.
874
00:48:59,632 --> 00:49:03,114
-I'm in your dreams,
little girl.
-Just answer the questions.
875
00:49:03,244 --> 00:49:08,206
Mr. Betamax, yours is
the only case of becoming
violent after becoming obsolete.
876
00:49:08,336 --> 00:49:12,514
I was born obsolete!Is that why you went insane
and killed the VCR?
877
00:49:12,645 --> 00:49:16,736
Look on the bright side.
At least we won't have to
rewind anymore.
878
00:49:16,866 --> 00:49:19,304
Tell this court
what you told me.
879
00:49:19,434 --> 00:49:22,263
We're all killers.
880
00:49:22,394 --> 00:49:24,396
Digital murders analog.
881
00:49:24,526 --> 00:49:26,833
MP3 slays CD.
882
00:49:26,964 --> 00:49:29,792
iPod strangles
the Walkman!
883
00:49:29,923 --> 00:49:32,273
It's in our cells,
you know--the killing.
884
00:49:32,404 --> 00:49:36,669
The DVD is guilty,
and he will kill too.
Oh, yes!
885
00:49:36,799 --> 00:49:38,888
The defendant
is obsolete, isn't he?Yes!
886
00:49:39,019 --> 00:49:43,589
I look forward to meeting
him in the prison yard,
or in the showers.
887
00:49:43,719 --> 00:49:45,678
Eat shit, you dinosaur.
888
00:49:45,808 --> 00:49:47,941
Toss my salad,
digital bitch.
889
00:49:48,072 --> 00:49:50,161
-Oh, yeah?
-Yeah!
890
00:49:50,291 --> 00:49:52,902
- [Person]
Oh, my God!
- [Crowd Screams]
891
00:49:57,820 --> 00:50:00,432
Get him down!
Get him down!
Get him down!
892
00:50:04,697 --> 00:50:08,179
He's gone.
The Betamax has escaped.
893
00:50:11,356 --> 00:50:12,748
[Dings]
894
00:50:12,879 --> 00:50:14,315
Who's changin'
the goddamn channel?Your mama.
895
00:50:14,446 --> 00:50:15,925
Yourmama.
Yourmama.
896
00:50:16,056 --> 00:50:17,405
I don't hear you.Your mama.
897
00:50:17,536 --> 00:50:19,494
I don't hear you.
I don't hear you.
898
00:50:22,758 --> 00:50:24,673
Gentlemen,
899
00:50:24,804 --> 00:50:29,113
I want to thank you all
for coming here
on such short notice.
900
00:50:29,243 --> 00:50:32,029
As you know,
we are here today
to discuss...
901
00:50:32,159 --> 00:50:35,249
the declining quality
of professional sports.
902
00:50:35,380 --> 00:50:38,339
As you can see,
the overall quality
of the games...
903
00:50:38,470 --> 00:50:41,299
has dropped considerably
over the last three generations.
904
00:50:41,429 --> 00:50:43,736
After three years
and millions of dollars
of research,
905
00:50:43,866 --> 00:50:47,305
we now know the source
of the problem:
906
00:50:47,435 --> 00:50:49,568
black athletes.
907
00:50:49,698 --> 00:50:54,138
Their superior genes
are being diluted because
they are breeding with...
908
00:50:54,268 --> 00:50:56,270
nonblack women.
909
00:50:56,401 --> 00:50:59,969
Damn it. I knew
no good would come
of all that... mess.
910
00:51:00,100 --> 00:51:02,450
By the balls
of Wilt Chamberlain,
so did I.
911
00:51:02,581 --> 00:51:06,150
By my calculations, if black men
don't start mating with
some sisters lickety-split,
912
00:51:06,280 --> 00:51:11,024
professional sports
as we know it
will be dead by the year 2025.
913
00:51:11,155 --> 00:51:13,548
The athletic shoe industry
will crumble.
914
00:51:13,679 --> 00:51:15,463
-No!
-Urban retail fashion
will plummet.
915
00:51:15,594 --> 00:51:18,162
- Nein!
-And professional hair braiders
will be unemployed.
916
00:51:18,292 --> 00:51:21,165
[Together]
Hair braiders?
Sprewell is my top earner!
917
00:51:21,295 --> 00:51:23,689
How will Allen Iverson
stay edgy?
918
00:51:23,819 --> 00:51:26,735
We gotta act fast, man.
Damn straight.
919
00:51:26,866 --> 00:51:30,565
But we can't do it alone.
This job is too important
for anyone else to handle.
920
00:51:30,696 --> 00:51:32,959
We have to do it ourselves.
921
00:51:33,090 --> 00:51:35,788
Gentlemen, are you with me?
922
00:51:35,918 --> 00:51:37,920
Hell, yeah.
923
00:51:40,749 --> 00:51:43,404
[Announcer]
When the game was in need,
924
00:51:43,535 --> 00:51:47,495
they took action to
save our national pastimes.
925
00:51:47,626 --> 00:51:50,411
Yo! There you are.
I've been looking for you.
926
00:51:50,542 --> 00:51:53,762
I am telling you.
Sisters is where it's at.
927
00:51:53,893 --> 00:51:56,330
Why would you want
the white devil's woman
anyway, huh?
928
00:51:57,723 --> 00:51:59,812
Excuse me, fellas.
Hey, ladies.
929
00:51:59,942 --> 00:52:02,597
Ooh. You want your ball?
You want your ball?Give it to me.
930
00:52:02,728 --> 00:52:04,599
Go get your ball.
Go get your ball.
931
00:52:04,730 --> 00:52:06,732
[Chuckling]
Fellas.
932
00:52:06,862 --> 00:52:11,258
I brought you all some
professional "assletes."
933
00:52:11,389 --> 00:52:13,478
[Men Chanting]
White is bad.
Don't even try it.
934
00:52:13,608 --> 00:52:16,220
Remember what happened
to Kobe Bryant.
935
00:52:16,350 --> 00:52:18,178
White is bad.
Don't even try it.
936
00:52:18,309 --> 00:52:20,702
Remember what happened
to Kobe Bryant.
937
00:52:20,833 --> 00:52:23,270
White is bad.
Don't even try it.
938
00:52:23,401 --> 00:52:26,360
[Announcer]
The mission was
accomplished this day,
939
00:52:26,491 --> 00:52:31,235
but as long as there are
rich black athletes
and white women,
940
00:52:31,365 --> 00:52:34,281
their work isn't finished.
941
00:52:49,427 --> 00:52:53,648
"Operation Blacklash."
The war has just begun.
942
00:52:53,779 --> 00:52:56,173
[Dings]
943
00:52:56,303 --> 00:53:01,656
UTV News presents
Millennium Sex Etiquette
with Nancy Steefass.
944
00:53:01,787 --> 00:53:07,184
Good afternoon.
I'm Nancy Steefass,
Millennium Sex Etiquette.
945
00:53:07,314 --> 00:53:10,796
Changes in modern
sexual practice...
946
00:53:10,926 --> 00:53:13,190
have created a gap...
947
00:53:13,320 --> 00:53:15,496
in bedroom etiquette.
948
00:53:15,627 --> 00:53:18,238
I am here to correct this.
949
00:53:20,066 --> 00:53:23,548
If your partner's breath
is offensive,
950
00:53:23,678 --> 00:53:28,770
you might suggest,
"Darling, you could use a mint."
951
00:53:28,901 --> 00:53:31,295
You may insert your own
term of endearment here--
952
00:53:31,425 --> 00:53:34,472
honey, sweetie, baby, sugarpie
and the like.
953
00:53:34,602 --> 00:53:37,823
However, it is always
inappropriate to say,
954
00:53:37,953 --> 00:53:41,218
"Damn. Your breath is kickin'
like a soccer team."
955
00:53:41,348 --> 00:53:43,959
Also inappropriate
would be, uh,
956
00:53:44,090 --> 00:53:47,833
"Turn off the dragon, bitch.
I ain't fireproof."
957
00:53:49,138 --> 00:53:52,620
Now, if you are...
958
00:53:52,751 --> 00:53:56,363
desirous of
multiple partners,
959
00:53:56,494 --> 00:53:59,366
it is appropriate
to suggest,
960
00:53:59,497 --> 00:54:02,630
"Might we spice things up?"
961
00:54:02,761 --> 00:54:05,372
It is, however,
inappropriate to cry out,
962
00:54:05,503 --> 00:54:08,245
"I need some new ass!"
963
00:54:08,375 --> 00:54:11,073
however true
that might be.
964
00:54:11,204 --> 00:54:14,251
The truth will
get you nothing, people.
965
00:54:15,600 --> 00:54:18,037
Ladies,
966
00:54:18,167 --> 00:54:20,257
if your gentleman caller...
967
00:54:20,387 --> 00:54:22,346
is in need
of one of the many...
968
00:54:22,476 --> 00:54:26,567
erection pills
flooding the marketplace,
969
00:54:26,698 --> 00:54:29,657
it is appropriate to say,
970
00:54:29,788 --> 00:54:32,312
"Do you want to feel
young again?"
971
00:54:32,443 --> 00:54:35,359
It is, however,
inappropriate to say,
972
00:54:35,489 --> 00:54:40,233
"The pill or the vibrator--
you make the call,
Slinky cock."
973
00:54:40,364 --> 00:54:45,238
I'm Nancy Steefass with
Millennium Sex Etiquette.
974
00:54:45,369 --> 00:54:47,849
I hope I have been helpful.
975
00:54:47,980 --> 00:54:49,938
Good day, and happy sex.
976
00:54:56,467 --> 00:55:00,122
[Announcer]
He was a man
destined for greatness.
977
00:55:00,253 --> 00:55:04,866
She was a woman
whose passion was awakening.
978
00:55:04,997 --> 00:55:07,260
Together,
they would make history.
979
00:55:07,391 --> 00:55:12,047
Only death
could keep me from you.
980
00:55:12,178 --> 00:55:14,615
Then please, don't die.
981
00:55:19,794 --> 00:55:22,231
[Announcer]
From the author
of a very old book,
982
00:55:22,362 --> 00:55:24,190
who was probably
a homosexual,
983
00:55:24,321 --> 00:55:29,195
Magomax Pictures presents
British People in Love.
984
00:55:33,852 --> 00:55:38,291
Well, I'm off
to fight in the great war.
985
00:55:38,422 --> 00:55:40,337
My heart beats against
time itself.
986
00:55:40,467 --> 00:55:42,991
I shall not let
my devotion stray,
987
00:55:43,122 --> 00:55:48,432
and I doth savvy it shall
hence maketh thine passage safe.
988
00:55:48,562 --> 00:55:52,958
I know not what that means,
but I want to shag before I go.
989
00:55:55,264 --> 00:55:58,093
[Announcer]
British People in Love.
990
00:55:58,224 --> 00:56:00,661
They were British.
They were in love.
991
00:56:00,792 --> 00:56:02,881
That's all you need to know.
992
00:56:03,011 --> 00:56:04,883
[Dings]
[Bell Clanging]
993
00:56:13,892 --> 00:56:15,981
We're never gonna
get up out of here.
994
00:56:16,111 --> 00:56:19,550
My uncle always said,
"It ain't over till
the beaver wields its cleaver."
995
00:56:19,680 --> 00:56:21,856
What the hell
does that mean? Geez!
996
00:56:21,987 --> 00:56:24,772
I'm on my way in now.
I'm in kind of
a bad area, okay?
997
00:56:24,903 --> 00:56:28,297
All right. Bye.
998
00:56:28,428 --> 00:56:30,256
Yo, can we holler at you
for a second?
999
00:56:30,387 --> 00:56:33,520
I don't have any money.
1000
00:56:33,651 --> 00:56:35,957
And my credit cards
are all protected.
1001
00:56:36,088 --> 00:56:38,525
Yeah, but your style
is wack, son.
1002
00:56:38,656 --> 00:56:42,050
And we're here
to thug you out.
1003
00:56:44,444 --> 00:56:47,229
[Whimpers]
1004
00:56:49,449 --> 00:56:52,409
Yo, it's good.
It your boy B-Dog.
1005
00:56:52,539 --> 00:56:57,805
Yo, baby. And I'm Dog-Dawg,
and this is Thugged Out!
1006
00:56:57,936 --> 00:56:59,851
Know what I mean?
It's the show...
1007
00:56:59,981 --> 00:57:04,072
where we bum-rush your ass
and totally thug out
your style.
1008
00:57:04,203 --> 00:57:08,120
See, there's a difference
between acceptable modes
of fashion...
1009
00:57:08,250 --> 00:57:10,339
and straight up thuggin'.Thuggin'.
1010
00:57:10,470 --> 00:57:14,343
Yeah, man.
And we got a real
challenge today, man.
1011
00:57:14,474 --> 00:57:17,956
[Groans][Shouts, Laughs]
Whoo!
1012
00:57:18,086 --> 00:57:20,175
Rule number one:
1013
00:57:20,306 --> 00:57:22,221
Learn to get your ass beat.
1014
00:57:22,351 --> 00:57:24,832
You'll never be afraid
of that shit again.
1015
00:57:27,531 --> 00:57:29,750
How's your chin, man?
You good?
Hey, man. Are you cool?
1016
00:57:29,881 --> 00:57:33,232
Let's help him up, dog.That was hard, man.
He hit you hard.
1017
00:57:33,362 --> 00:57:35,321
Go.[Groans]
1018
00:57:35,452 --> 00:57:37,932
[Laughs]
Shit!
1019
00:57:38,063 --> 00:57:40,065
That shit was hard.
1020
00:57:40,195 --> 00:57:43,677
Rule number two, man:
An ass-whuppin'
is never far away.
1021
00:57:46,811 --> 00:57:48,726
Get your ass up.
1022
00:57:48,856 --> 00:57:51,206
We gonna keep doing that shit
until you talk bad with us.
1023
00:57:51,337 --> 00:57:52,904
No, please. Please.Bad with us.
1024
00:57:53,034 --> 00:57:54,906
Seriously, stay away.What?
1025
00:57:55,036 --> 00:57:57,212
You touch me again,
I'm gonna kill your asses!
1026
00:57:57,343 --> 00:57:59,345
That's nice!Yeah!
1027
00:57:59,476 --> 00:58:02,827
Rule number three:
Learn to intimidate.
1028
00:58:05,525 --> 00:58:09,747
Next lesson is learn to use
your words effectively.
1029
00:58:09,877 --> 00:58:11,183
Noun.
1030
00:58:11,313 --> 00:58:14,316
What the fuck?Verb.
1031
00:58:14,447 --> 00:58:16,318
Yo, I'm gonna fuck you up.
1032
00:58:16,449 --> 00:58:20,366
Adjective.That shit is fucked.
1033
00:58:20,497 --> 00:58:22,499
Adverb.
1034
00:58:24,675 --> 00:58:27,068
I don't know.Good, man.
1035
00:58:27,199 --> 00:58:30,245
See, you can't used
"fuck" to modify a verb.
1036
00:58:30,376 --> 00:58:33,466
If you try,
you'll sound stupid
as a motherfucker.
1037
00:58:36,556 --> 00:58:42,170
And now the five ways
to say the word "bitch." Go!
1038
00:58:42,301 --> 00:58:44,782
Bitch! Be-atch!
1039
00:58:44,912 --> 00:58:47,175
Beyotch!
B-B-B-B-B-Beatch!
1040
00:58:47,306 --> 00:58:49,482
Ba-Ba-Ba--Bitch!
1041
00:58:49,613 --> 00:58:52,006
[Chuckles]
Hey, that was
excellent, man.
1042
00:58:52,137 --> 00:58:56,837
Remember. We need to deal
in misogyny to hide our own
male insecurities,
1043
00:58:56,968 --> 00:59:00,101
or homosexual tendencies,
as the case may be.
1044
00:59:00,232 --> 00:59:02,539
And you know
who you are, son.
1045
00:59:05,542 --> 00:59:10,242
And lastly,
we modify the look.
1046
00:59:10,372 --> 00:59:12,244
Bam![Chuckles]
Yeah.
1047
00:59:12,374 --> 00:59:15,073
You ready, Larry?My name ain't Larry.
1048
00:59:15,203 --> 00:59:16,814
It's L-Train.
1049
00:59:16,944 --> 00:59:19,338
[Laughing]You mark-ass bitches.
1050
00:59:19,468 --> 00:59:22,863
What the fuck you say, nigga?Dog, he's ready, man.
1051
00:59:22,994 --> 00:59:25,866
My bad. My bad.
He sure is. He sure is.
1052
00:59:25,997 --> 00:59:32,003
We gonna see what Larry's
new thug life is like,
right after these messages.
1053
00:59:32,133 --> 00:59:36,224
[Announcer]And now,
since we never see Asians in
American movies or television,
1054
00:59:36,355 --> 00:59:41,403
it's time for another moment
inThe Secret Lives
of Asian People.
1055
00:59:43,188 --> 00:59:45,059
Man, work was hell today.
1056
00:59:45,190 --> 00:59:48,236
Really? What happened?Same old crap, you know.
1057
00:59:48,367 --> 00:59:50,195
I made the cheer team
at school.
1058
00:59:50,325 --> 00:59:52,197
Oh.That's great.
Way to go.
1059
00:59:52,327 --> 00:59:55,417
See, honey?
Things are looking up.Yeah.
1060
00:59:55,548 --> 00:59:57,681
Yeah.Do you need your pants
taken in?
1061
00:59:57,811 --> 01:00:01,598
[Announcer]There you
have it. Asian people are
as boring as the rest of us.
1062
01:00:01,728 --> 01:00:06,037
Join us next time on
The Secret Lives
of Asian People.
1063
01:00:10,171 --> 01:00:12,826
Yeah! We back in
the building, yo.
1064
01:00:12,957 --> 01:00:16,351
'Bout to check on
Larry's thuggin' ass.
You know what I mean?
1065
01:00:16,482 --> 01:00:18,353
[Groans]Yeah. L-Train's up in there,
1066
01:00:18,484 --> 01:00:21,748
representin'
the thug way of life!
1067
01:00:21,879 --> 01:00:24,272
Let 'em know, Whitepac.
Let 'em know.That's what I'm saying.
1068
01:00:24,403 --> 01:00:28,276
We're 'bout to see how far
that thug life get his ass
in corporate America though.
1069
01:00:28,407 --> 01:00:30,496
Bitch! Bitch!
1070
01:00:30,627 --> 01:00:34,587
[Door Slams]
Uh, I got my ass fired today.
1071
01:00:34,718 --> 01:00:36,807
Congratulations, son.Congratulations.
1072
01:00:36,937 --> 01:00:39,766
Yo, yo.
Thugs don't have
jobs like this.
1073
01:00:39,897 --> 01:00:42,290
Yo, we work the street block.Yeah. Shit.
1074
01:00:42,421 --> 01:00:44,336
I don't need no
J-O-B, you know?
1075
01:00:44,466 --> 01:00:46,381
[Together]
We know.
1076
01:00:49,515 --> 01:00:52,170
Come on, son.
Let's talk about the bling.
1077
01:00:52,300 --> 01:00:55,390
[Announcer]
Tune in toThugged Out next
week for our special episode...
1078
01:00:55,521 --> 01:00:58,872
"Congress: International Hos
and Domestic Bitches."
1079
01:01:00,178 --> 01:01:02,441
This is outrageous!
1080
01:01:02,571 --> 01:01:08,360
That last skit is typical of
how the media romanticizes
the lowest levels of culture.
1081
01:01:08,490 --> 01:01:13,757
To say that it is preferable
to be a shiftless, lazy thug...
1082
01:01:13,887 --> 01:01:19,719
as opposed to a respectable
businessman caters to
the stereotype.
1083
01:01:19,850 --> 01:01:21,895
[Chuckles]
What?
1084
01:01:22,026 --> 01:01:24,158
I am not afraid of--[Mutters]
1085
01:01:24,289 --> 01:01:26,160
Yo, we be right back.
1086
01:01:26,291 --> 01:01:28,380
Get your ass
out of here, man.
For real!
1087
01:01:28,510 --> 01:01:31,775
[Announcer]The producers
of this film believe that
censorship is wrong...
1088
01:01:31,905 --> 01:01:34,429
and it insults
our basic intelligence.
1089
01:01:34,560 --> 01:01:37,215
After all, profanities
are just words...
1090
01:01:37,345 --> 01:01:41,001
with a shitty,
motherfucking, goddamned
societal taboo attached.
1091
01:01:41,132 --> 01:01:44,701
In the final analysis,
words only offend
if we let them.
1092
01:01:44,831 --> 01:01:48,574
To illuminate this truth,
we now present the most
offensive song ever written.
1093
01:01:48,705 --> 01:01:50,837
Thank you,
and fuck the Norwegians.
1094
01:01:50,968 --> 01:01:52,926
Why can't he flip us
to the Playboy Channel?
1095
01:01:53,057 --> 01:01:55,494
♪ [Singing]
1096
01:02:11,553 --> 01:02:13,512
♪ And everybody sing
1097
01:02:41,235 --> 01:02:43,324
♪ And everybody sing
1098
01:02:54,161 --> 01:02:56,642
What?
1099
01:02:56,773 --> 01:03:00,211
Let's go.Shit!
1100
01:03:00,341 --> 01:03:03,214
[Chuckles]
They tried to turn me
into a thug,
1101
01:03:03,344 --> 01:03:06,391
but it backfired on them.
1102
01:03:06,521 --> 01:03:09,916
We'd like to say
that we repudiate
the thug lifestyle.
1103
01:03:10,047 --> 01:03:14,007
Indeed. We see now
that positive images
are the way to go.
1104
01:03:14,138 --> 01:03:18,359
[Chuckles]
I know you're wondering
how I changed them.
1105
01:03:18,490 --> 01:03:20,405
I had a little help.
1106
01:03:20,535 --> 01:03:23,538
♪ We don't like thugs
1107
01:03:23,669 --> 01:03:26,367
[Dings]
Hi, and welcome to
Inside a Celebrity's Ass.
1108
01:03:26,498 --> 01:03:29,936
Where we get up close
and personal to the people
you want to know.
1109
01:03:30,067 --> 01:03:33,070
We're all obsessed
with celebrities. We want to
know everything about them,
1110
01:03:33,200 --> 01:03:37,378
even if it means robbing them
of their privacy, dignity
and peace of mind.
1111
01:03:37,509 --> 01:03:41,861
So, it wasn't enough to be
in their lives. Now we're
going inside their asses.
1112
01:03:41,992 --> 01:03:45,212
Today we're inside the ass of
none other than Paris Hilton.
1113
01:03:45,343 --> 01:03:47,867
I don't think I'm the first
man to be in here, huh?
1114
01:03:47,998 --> 01:03:52,132
Well, you're certainly
the first to wear a raincoat.[Laughs]
1115
01:03:52,263 --> 01:03:56,310
You know, Paris Hilton's ass is
really quite wonderful and not
as smelly as you might think.
1116
01:03:56,441 --> 01:03:59,400
Are you saying
her shit don't stink?Actually, no, it doesn't.
1117
01:03:59,531 --> 01:04:03,448
Paris had the smell removed
in Switzerland back in 2003.Ah.
1118
01:04:03,578 --> 01:04:07,582
You know, you can tell a lot
about a person by the contents
of their ass.
1119
01:04:07,713 --> 01:04:11,369
For instance, Paris doesn't
eat much, so there's not
a lot gas in here. No.
1120
01:04:11,499 --> 01:04:14,589
And contrary to urban myth,
her head is not in here either.
1121
01:04:14,720 --> 01:04:16,809
[Chuckles]
During our walk-through earlier,
1122
01:04:16,940 --> 01:04:21,205
we realized that
most of her ideas are actually
generated right here.
1123
01:04:21,335 --> 01:04:23,990
There's a T3 line
direct to the brain.Uh-huh.
1124
01:04:24,121 --> 01:04:28,081
Wow! Looks like, uh,
Nicole Richie really did
break a foot off in here.
1125
01:04:28,212 --> 01:04:30,475
I didn't know that was true.Wow.
[Chuckles]
1126
01:04:30,605 --> 01:04:33,782
You know, a lot of people
in the entertainment industry
have been worried about Paris...
1127
01:04:33,913 --> 01:04:36,133
because she hasn't dated
in quite a while.Yeah.
1128
01:04:36,263 --> 01:04:38,570
But we--Whoa! Looks like
that drought is over.
1129
01:04:38,700 --> 01:04:42,879
Whoa! That is quite
some tongue. Yes!
1130
01:04:43,009 --> 01:04:44,837
And I think I see
a camera out there.
1131
01:04:44,968 --> 01:04:46,839
God.
1132
01:04:46,970 --> 01:04:48,885
Well, we'll see you
next time,
1133
01:04:49,015 --> 01:04:52,192
when we go inside
the president's ass
to find his foreign policy.
1134
01:04:52,323 --> 01:04:54,194
That's gonna be a messy one.
1135
01:04:54,325 --> 01:04:56,196
I kind of like it.
1136
01:04:56,327 --> 01:04:58,198
[Announcer]
News flash.
1137
01:04:58,329 --> 01:05:00,984
Gossip report, New York.
Clark Kent is Superman,
1138
01:05:01,114 --> 01:05:04,378
Peter Parker is Spider-Man,
Bruce Wayne is Batman,
1139
01:05:04,509 --> 01:05:06,859
and Robin is totally gay.
1140
01:05:06,990 --> 01:05:09,775
Totally gay.
1141
01:05:09,906 --> 01:05:13,344
Paris Hilton was rushed
to an area hospital,
where a chandelier,
1142
01:05:13,474 --> 01:05:16,390
Nicole Richie's foot
and two tiny human beings
in raincoats...
1143
01:05:16,521 --> 01:05:18,349
were removed from her ass.
1144
01:05:18,479 --> 01:05:22,701
[Dings]
I have taken
this movie hostage.
1145
01:05:22,831 --> 01:05:26,357
I will return it when
the American empire
stops its oppression,
1146
01:05:26,487 --> 01:05:28,359
tyranny and murder.
1147
01:05:28,489 --> 01:05:32,232
We hate your freedom.
We hate your capitalism.
1148
01:05:32,363 --> 01:05:35,235
We hate all 31 of your flavors.
1149
01:05:35,366 --> 01:05:37,324
We hate--
[Announcer]
Wait a minute.
1150
01:05:37,455 --> 01:05:41,198
What about tea-bagging?
Well, tea-bagging
is what I need.
1151
01:05:41,328 --> 01:05:43,243
Hey.
1152
01:05:43,374 --> 01:05:46,899
[Groans]
Shut the fuck up!
1153
01:05:50,468 --> 01:05:51,948
[Dings]
1154
01:05:52,949 --> 01:05:55,516
Hi. Are you white,
1155
01:05:55,647 --> 01:05:59,738
unsure of how to navigate
the choppy waters
of race relations?
1156
01:05:59,868 --> 01:06:04,177
Well, my staff and I have come
up with a way to keep you from
being a clueless cracker.
1157
01:06:04,308 --> 01:06:09,269
You Better Recognize
is a revolutionary way to be
down with our ethnic brothers.
1158
01:06:09,400 --> 01:06:13,621
For example,
some black people do not like
the name African-Americans.
1159
01:06:13,752 --> 01:06:17,147
They find it patronizing
and prefer to be called black.
1160
01:06:17,277 --> 01:06:19,366
But if you call
some others "black,"
1161
01:06:19,497 --> 01:06:22,979
they will pimp-smack you
like a ho with a short roll.
1162
01:06:23,109 --> 01:06:27,113
You Better Recognize
will help you make
these important decisions.
1163
01:06:27,244 --> 01:06:32,379
I told my coworker Alberto
that he was, like, a serious,
serious hard worker,
1164
01:06:32,510 --> 01:06:35,078
until I got
You Better Recognize...
1165
01:06:35,208 --> 01:06:38,211
and realized that,
by pointing out
his work ethic,
1166
01:06:38,342 --> 01:06:45,131
I was assuming that all Latinos
were shiftless, lazy,
refried-bean wetbacks.
1167
01:06:45,262 --> 01:06:47,220
Or something like that.
[Chuckles]
1168
01:06:48,787 --> 01:06:50,745
[Chuckles]
1169
01:06:50,876 --> 01:06:53,661
[Clears Throat]
Our revolutionary system...
1170
01:06:53,792 --> 01:06:56,621
will teach you how to
pass up disgusting behavior,
1171
01:06:56,751 --> 01:06:58,971
respond with courtesy...
1172
01:06:59,102 --> 01:07:01,930
and do the impossible
for most white people:
1173
01:07:02,061 --> 01:07:03,976
shut the fuck up.
1174
01:07:04,107 --> 01:07:06,326
America is discovering
the difference.
1175
01:07:06,457 --> 01:07:10,243
I told my Chinese friend, Tina,
that she was a bad driver,
and she just went all cold.
1176
01:07:10,374 --> 01:07:12,593
I thought she was gonna
kung-fu my ass.
[Chuckles]
1177
01:07:12,724 --> 01:07:17,555
Well, thanks to Dr. Anderson,
I now know that
it's really the Koreans--
1178
01:07:17,685 --> 01:07:21,428
excuse me--
the fucking Koreans
that are the shitty drivers.
1179
01:07:21,559 --> 01:07:24,475
Don't be confused
by ethnicity anymore.
1180
01:07:24,605 --> 01:07:27,956
Buy You Better Recognizetoday.
1181
01:07:28,087 --> 01:07:29,958
[Announcer]
Money-back guarantee...
1182
01:07:30,089 --> 01:07:32,265
if you get your ass kicked
within 90 days of purchase.
1183
01:07:32,396 --> 01:07:34,659
Not responsible for
interactions at rap concerts,
drug deals or the D.M.V.
1184
01:07:34,789 --> 01:07:38,489
Not available in Connecticut.
[Dings]
1185
01:07:38,619 --> 01:07:44,147
[Announcer]It's time
for the Fear News with
Mary Sciary and Fred Dread.
1186
01:07:44,277 --> 01:07:46,540
Good evening.
In breaking news,
1187
01:07:46,671 --> 01:07:49,674
a meteor the size of
Australia is barreling
towards Earth.
1188
01:07:49,804 --> 01:07:51,893
When it hits our planet,
all life will be destroyed--
1189
01:07:52,024 --> 01:07:53,939
even the cockroaches.
1190
01:07:54,070 --> 01:07:56,855
It won't be in our galaxy
for another five
billion years,
1191
01:07:56,985 --> 01:07:58,552
but isn't that scary?
1192
01:07:58,683 --> 01:08:00,902
Thanks, Fred.
That was terrifying.
1193
01:08:01,033 --> 01:08:04,819
Next up, is our tap water
filled with deadly poison?
1194
01:08:04,950 --> 01:08:07,779
Here to answer
that frightening,
frightening question...
1195
01:08:07,909 --> 01:08:10,825
is J.J. White
with the Department
of Water and Power.
1196
01:08:10,956 --> 01:08:15,352
So, Mr. White,
is our tap water filled
with deadly poison?
1197
01:08:15,482 --> 01:08:19,573
[Jamaican Accent]Oh, no, no,
Mary. We have greatest
water system in the world, man,
1198
01:08:19,704 --> 01:08:24,143
uh, unlike other countries
where you go and drink the water
and you piss out a lung.
1199
01:08:24,274 --> 01:08:26,319
Wow. Wow.
That's-That's-That's alarming.
1200
01:08:26,450 --> 01:08:30,410
No. It's not alarming at all.
I mean, there's
a constant danger...
1201
01:08:30,541 --> 01:08:33,587
of instant and agonizing
painful death, correct?
1202
01:08:33,718 --> 01:08:37,025
-What madness--
-Shocking. Shocking.
Thank you, Mr. White.
1203
01:08:37,156 --> 01:08:39,071
On the local scene,
1204
01:08:39,202 --> 01:08:41,943
there's an evil,
godless terrorist outside
your house right now...
1205
01:08:42,074 --> 01:08:46,470
planning to kill you,
then steal your cell phone
and secret stash of porn.
1206
01:08:46,600 --> 01:08:50,387
In a related story,
the terror alert has passed red
to a new color called...
1207
01:08:50,517 --> 01:08:53,390
"We're All Screwed
with Red Hot Pokers."
1208
01:08:53,520 --> 01:08:55,653
During the alert,
people will
get fired,
1209
01:08:55,783 --> 01:08:59,570
lose their health insurance
before bombs explode.
1210
01:08:59,700 --> 01:09:01,659
In scientific news,
1211
01:09:01,789 --> 01:09:04,314
researchers have reported
that monsters are real...
1212
01:09:04,444 --> 01:09:07,143
and live under your bed
and inside your closet.
1213
01:09:07,273 --> 01:09:10,711
They also report that
the strange bump on
your ass is cancer...
1214
01:09:10,842 --> 01:09:14,062
and that running
with scissors is more
dangerous than skydiving.
1215
01:09:14,193 --> 01:09:16,326
Yes. I ran with
scissors once, Fred.
1216
01:09:16,456 --> 01:09:18,893
Killed my whole family.
I'm so sorry.
1217
01:09:19,024 --> 01:09:22,462
Thank you for that.
[Woman]
Excuse me, but I'm new here,
1218
01:09:22,593 --> 01:09:26,553
and this newscast
is the worst kind of journalism
I have ever seen.
1219
01:09:26,684 --> 01:09:29,208
America is one of the safest
countries in the world.
1220
01:09:29,339 --> 01:09:31,689
It's us, the media,
1221
01:09:31,819 --> 01:09:35,301
who fosters undue fear,
in order to manipulate people
into hating their brothers...
1222
01:09:35,432 --> 01:09:38,261
and doing the bidding
of the government and their
rich corporate backers.
1223
01:09:38,391 --> 01:09:40,915
Um, there's a crazed man
standing behind you.
1224
01:09:41,046 --> 01:09:44,310
Oh, sweetie,
I'm not falling for that.
1225
01:09:44,441 --> 01:09:46,356
Die, you video vixen!
What the--
1226
01:09:46,486 --> 01:09:49,924
-Betamax forever!
-[Screams]
Oh, my God!
1227
01:09:50,055 --> 01:09:53,145
Let me go!
[Screaming]
1228
01:09:54,625 --> 01:09:57,845
You can see the danger
of ignoring fear.
1229
01:09:57,976 --> 01:10:01,197
Can global warming
burn your genitals off?
Join us at 11:00.
1230
01:10:01,327 --> 01:10:03,416
I'm Fred Dread.
And I'm Mary Sciary,
1231
01:10:03,547 --> 01:10:05,418
saying good night and--
1232
01:10:05,549 --> 01:10:07,203
[Screaming]
1233
01:10:07,333 --> 01:10:09,248
[Chuckles]
That really was scary.
1234
01:10:09,379 --> 01:10:11,294
Brown shorts all over town,
I'm sure.
1235
01:10:11,424 --> 01:10:13,296
I can vouch for that.
Oh, you can?
1236
01:10:13,426 --> 01:10:15,298
Although I'm wearing
a thong.
Okay.
1237
01:10:15,428 --> 01:10:17,604
It's leopard color.
All right.
1238
01:10:17,735 --> 01:10:19,389
[Dings]
1239
01:10:19,519 --> 01:10:22,218
[Announcer]
Ned Blanders was having
a dull life,
1240
01:10:22,348 --> 01:10:25,351
and then a chance encounter
changed it all.
1241
01:10:25,482 --> 01:10:29,225
Hey! Break yourself, homey.
[Gasps, Whimpers]
1242
01:10:29,355 --> 01:10:32,402
You know what?
I'm sick of taking this crap
from you people.
1243
01:10:32,532 --> 01:10:35,013
No, you cannot have
any of my money.
1244
01:10:35,143 --> 01:10:39,800
-Well, then have it your way,
ya mark-ass buster.
- [Whimpers]
1245
01:10:39,931 --> 01:10:42,325
Just do it, quick.
1246
01:10:42,455 --> 01:10:44,892
[Announcer]
Some relationships are planned.
1247
01:10:45,023 --> 01:10:48,287
Others are left up to fate.
1248
01:10:48,418 --> 01:10:53,205
Hey. I found the kids
a new nanny.
1249
01:10:53,336 --> 01:10:55,251
Hey, what's up,
rich-ass white people?
1250
01:10:55,381 --> 01:10:57,296
I'm Keyshakashaun Jones.
1251
01:10:57,427 --> 01:11:00,343
Magomax Pictures presents
Crunk Nanny,
1252
01:11:02,736 --> 01:11:06,000
a film that lets you pretend
that we really all get along.
1253
01:11:06,131 --> 01:11:09,265
Hey, fuck your daddy, homey.
I'm the new papa
around here.
1254
01:11:09,395 --> 01:11:11,354
It's about time
you grow the fuck up,
1255
01:11:11,484 --> 01:11:14,444
put your nuts on the table
and get out there and
represent, little homey.
1256
01:11:14,574 --> 01:11:17,273
Represent?
Hell, yeah.
Represent, homey.
1257
01:11:17,403 --> 01:11:19,492
That's when you take control
of some little mark-ass,
1258
01:11:19,623 --> 01:11:23,191
bitch-ass, trick-ass,
buster-ass nigger out there
grinding on your block.
1259
01:11:23,322 --> 01:11:25,629
You roll up
on him slow, homey.
You know what I'm saying?
1260
01:11:25,759 --> 01:11:28,632
And you smoke his ass.
You smoke that mark-ass,
trick-ass fool.
1261
01:11:28,762 --> 01:11:30,938
Yeah, I--
[Chuckles]
I see.
1262
01:11:31,069 --> 01:11:34,551
Thanks, Keyshakashaun.
That's what I'm here for,
little homey.
1263
01:11:34,681 --> 01:11:36,857
Get the fuck up
off me, nigga!
1264
01:11:36,988 --> 01:11:40,774
[Announcer]A film that
touches the heart and reduces
the problems of race...
1265
01:11:40,905 --> 01:11:44,561
to a condescending joke
for the whole family to enjoy.
1266
01:11:44,691 --> 01:11:47,564
I don't know what to say.
1267
01:11:47,694 --> 01:11:52,569
You've changed our lives
with your simple yet profound
ethnic observations.
1268
01:11:55,180 --> 01:11:57,095
And I didn't know...
1269
01:11:57,225 --> 01:12:00,054
that the way
I was living was wrong...
1270
01:12:00,185 --> 01:12:02,361
till you white people
showed me the way.
1271
01:12:02,492 --> 01:12:04,363
We'll never forget you.
1272
01:12:05,495 --> 01:12:07,453
Keyshakashaun, you--
1273
01:12:08,976 --> 01:12:10,891
You my nigga.
1274
01:12:14,547 --> 01:12:17,028
Thugs ain't supposed to cry.
I love you!
1275
01:12:17,158 --> 01:12:21,467
[Announcer]
Crunk Nanny.
Love is the shiznit.
1276
01:12:21,598 --> 01:12:23,513
[Sobbing]
1277
01:12:23,643 --> 01:12:25,819
Hug me more.
1278
01:12:25,950 --> 01:12:28,039
The NBA was sued today...
1279
01:12:28,169 --> 01:12:32,130
by a man who claims that he was
denied a head coaching job
because of his name.
1280
01:12:32,260 --> 01:12:35,220
Massa White, 42,
from Georgia,
1281
01:12:35,351 --> 01:12:38,745
has been coaching for 15 years
at the high school
and college level...
1282
01:12:38,876 --> 01:12:41,531
but hasn't had
any luck in the NBA.
1283
01:12:41,661 --> 01:12:45,448
NBA player LaRazeekielkim Jones
went on record as saying,
1284
01:12:45,578 --> 01:12:48,799
"Yo, he got a dumb-ass name."
1285
01:12:48,929 --> 01:12:51,367
[Wolf Howls]
1286
01:13:02,073 --> 01:13:03,944
Hey! What's up, drug users?
1287
01:13:04,075 --> 01:13:06,251
We came to score some rock, yo!
1288
01:13:06,382 --> 01:13:10,908
We're Mr. and Mrs. Blanders,
and we're trying to understand
our black nanny better.
1289
01:13:11,038 --> 01:13:13,519
Well, crack is definitely
the key to understanding
black folks.
1290
01:13:13,650 --> 01:13:17,131
Come on in. Come on. Come on.
Come on in. Come on in.
1291
01:13:20,483 --> 01:13:23,747
Whoo. There's, um,
some cross draft in here,
isn't there?
1292
01:13:23,877 --> 01:13:26,489
So, what can I do for you?
You know,
all the other crack houses...
1293
01:13:26,619 --> 01:13:28,708
were totally crowded,
but not this one.
1294
01:13:28,839 --> 01:13:31,450
So, are you gonna
hook a bitch up, or what?
1295
01:13:31,581 --> 01:13:36,150
Oh! Honey, that was excellent
profanity/pronoun substitution.
1296
01:13:36,281 --> 01:13:38,239
Thank you, dear.
Thank you.
You're welcome!
1297
01:13:38,370 --> 01:13:41,417
I can't sell drugs to you guys.
Come on. You guys know
drugs are bad.
1298
01:13:41,547 --> 01:13:43,244
Oh, Negro, please.
Excuse me?
1299
01:13:43,375 --> 01:13:44,985
No, you heard me.
1300
01:13:45,116 --> 01:13:46,944
Bullshit, my brother.
1301
01:13:47,074 --> 01:13:49,381
Me and Mr. Nines
ain't havin' it.
1302
01:13:52,340 --> 01:13:54,255
-Boo!
- [Woman Screams]
1303
01:13:54,386 --> 01:13:56,257
[Screams]
1304
01:13:59,304 --> 01:14:01,480
I shot him!
[Laughing]
1305
01:14:01,611 --> 01:14:03,613
Ouch.
1306
01:14:03,743 --> 01:14:05,658
I don't get it.
You're supposed to be dead now.
1307
01:14:05,789 --> 01:14:08,356
Hey. We all dead
up in here.
1308
01:14:08,487 --> 01:14:10,271
"We"?
"We"?
1309
01:14:10,402 --> 01:14:12,099
[Mrs. Blanders]
Oh, my God.
1310
01:14:12,230 --> 01:14:15,276
[All Moaning]
1311
01:14:15,407 --> 01:14:17,627
[Announcer]
Magomax Pictures presents...
1312
01:14:17,757 --> 01:14:21,326
Crack House of the Living Dead.
1313
01:14:21,457 --> 01:14:23,459
See, we got ahold
of some cursed crack.
1314
01:14:23,589 --> 01:14:26,505
So now, in order
for us to get high,
we gotta feast on the living.
1315
01:14:26,636 --> 01:14:28,376
Don't eat me.
Just don't eat me.
1316
01:14:28,507 --> 01:14:31,467
I'm sorry, baby,
but that's how we do.
1317
01:14:31,597 --> 01:14:33,381
Let's go.
Tear their asses up.
Tear 'em up.
1318
01:14:33,512 --> 01:14:34,992
[All Moaning]
1319
01:14:36,472 --> 01:14:39,866
-I got dibs on that liver.
-[Screaming]
1320
01:14:39,997 --> 01:14:42,608
[Announcer]
Crack House of the Living Dead.
1321
01:14:42,739 --> 01:14:47,004
When you're dying to get high.
1322
01:14:47,134 --> 01:14:49,310
[Dings]
[Announcer]
This is the part of the film...
1323
01:14:49,441 --> 01:14:52,662
where there's a big
emotional moment to tie you
to the heart of the movie.
1324
01:14:52,792 --> 01:14:54,838
Sadly, this film has no heart.
1325
01:14:54,968 --> 01:14:57,928
But because we know you are
used to seeing these
emotional climaxes,
1326
01:14:58,058 --> 01:14:59,930
we've made one just for you.
1327
01:15:00,060 --> 01:15:02,585
Thank you,
and fuck all filmmakers.
1328
01:16:11,567 --> 01:16:14,570
We ain't never
gonna get out
of here.
1329
01:16:14,700 --> 01:16:16,833
I wish I'd never
found that stupid--
1330
01:16:16,963 --> 01:16:19,705
[Thinking]
"In the new digital world,
it's all connected."
1331
01:16:19,836 --> 01:16:23,753
Hey, now.
The remote said,
"It's all connected."
1332
01:16:25,102 --> 01:16:27,278
So? What the hell
does that mean?
1333
01:16:27,408 --> 01:16:30,934
It means we can use
any gadget to get back.
1334
01:16:32,239 --> 01:16:34,198
You ready?
1335
01:16:34,328 --> 01:16:36,548
Yeah.
One,
1336
01:16:36,679 --> 01:16:39,595
two, three!
1337
01:16:43,250 --> 01:16:46,471
Whoo-hoo-hoo!
We're back!
We're back!
1338
01:16:46,602 --> 01:16:48,952
[Laughing]
[Laughing]
Yeah!
1339
01:16:53,565 --> 01:16:56,263
[Announcer]
We are fortunate
to live in a country...
1340
01:16:56,394 --> 01:16:58,701
where ideas can be
freely expressed...
1341
01:16:58,831 --> 01:17:02,835
without Orwellian reprisal
or getting kicked hard
in the genitals.
1342
01:17:02,966 --> 01:17:06,012
Thank you again,
and "Gladiator" to you all.
1343
01:17:06,143 --> 01:17:09,189
♪ [Hip-hop]
1344
01:17:16,544 --> 01:17:18,590
♪ We're the white guys ♪
1345
01:17:18,721 --> 01:17:20,331
♪ And we own everything ♪
1346
01:17:20,461 --> 01:17:23,813
♪ Oh, yes, we're white guys
We start wars every day ♪
1347
01:17:23,943 --> 01:17:26,119
♪ 'Cause we're the white guys ♪
1348
01:17:26,250 --> 01:17:29,166
♪ We're straight or we're gay
and that's how it is ♪
1349
01:17:29,296 --> 01:17:31,603
♪ So you can kiss our ass ♪
1350
01:17:31,734 --> 01:17:35,172
♪ I run the country
as the president ♪
1351
01:17:35,302 --> 01:17:39,132
♪ And I don't give a shit
how your money's spent ♪
1352
01:17:39,263 --> 01:17:42,135
♪ C.E.O.
and I steal all the time ♪
1353
01:17:42,266 --> 01:17:45,922
♪ Send your broke ass
to the unemployment line ♪
1354
01:17:46,052 --> 01:17:48,011
♪ Because we're white guys ♪
1355
01:17:48,141 --> 01:17:51,536
♪ And we own everything
Oh, yes, we're white guys ♪
1356
01:17:51,667 --> 01:17:55,148
♪ We start wars every day
'cause we're the white guys ♪
1357
01:17:55,279 --> 01:17:58,717
♪ We're straight or we're gay
and that's how it is ♪
1358
01:17:58,848 --> 01:18:01,154
♪ So you can kiss our ass ♪
1359
01:18:01,285 --> 01:18:04,941
♪ Now all you guys
wanna be like me ♪
1360
01:18:05,071 --> 01:18:08,422
♪ You wanna have the power
and the security ♪
1361
01:18:08,553 --> 01:18:12,165
♪ But you can't get in ♪
♪ This club is exclusive ♪
1362
01:18:12,296 --> 01:18:17,170
♪ The white man's shit
is ever elusive
'Cause we're white guys ♪
1363
01:18:17,301 --> 01:18:21,261
♪ And we own everything
Oh, yes, we're white guys ♪
1364
01:18:21,392 --> 01:18:24,612
♪ We start wars every day
'cause we're the white guys ♪
1365
01:18:24,743 --> 01:18:28,268
♪ We're straight or we're gay
and that's how it is ♪
1366
01:18:28,399 --> 01:18:31,228
♪ So you can kiss our ass ♪
1367
01:18:31,358 --> 01:18:34,231
♪ W-H-I-T-E ♪
1368
01:18:34,361 --> 01:18:38,148
♪ W-H-I-T-E ♪
1369
01:18:38,278 --> 01:18:41,760
♪ W-H-I-T-E ♪
1370
01:18:51,552 --> 01:18:54,686
Closed-Captioned By
Captions, Inc., Los Angeles
1371
01:18:54,817 --> 01:18:57,254
♪ That darn Jesus ♪
♪ Blessed little stranger ♪
1372
01:18:57,384 --> 01:18:59,430
♪ That darn Jesus ♪
♪ Born in a manger ♪
1373
01:18:59,560 --> 01:19:04,130
♪ That darn Jesus
He's the man ♪
♪ He's the man ♪
1374
01:19:04,261 --> 01:19:06,480
♪ That darn Jesus ♪
♪ Teenage king ♪
1375
01:19:06,611 --> 01:19:08,961
♪ That darn Jesus ♪
♪ Reign supreme ♪
1376
01:19:09,092 --> 01:19:12,008
♪ Jesus ♪
1377
01:19:12,138 --> 01:19:14,619
♪ [Guitar: Folk]
1378
01:19:18,405 --> 01:19:20,625
♪ Projectile vomit
hot diarrhea ♪
1379
01:19:20,756 --> 01:19:23,019
♪ Spewing all out of my ass ♪
1380
01:19:23,149 --> 01:19:27,545
♪ Box of dead puppies
mixed with monkey guts
They really give me gas ♪
1381
01:19:27,675 --> 01:19:32,245
♪ Shit all over a cemetery
while I'm shootin' dope ♪
1382
01:19:32,376 --> 01:19:34,291
♪ Pus-covered crackhead
eatin' his toe-jam ♪
1383
01:19:34,421 --> 01:19:36,859
♪ Flashing his dick
at the pope
And everybody sing ♪
1384
01:19:36,989 --> 01:19:39,296
♪ Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck
fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck ♪
1385
01:19:39,426 --> 01:19:41,385
♪ Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck
Shit ♪
1386
01:19:41,515 --> 01:19:43,604
♪ Shit, shit, shit, shit
shit, shit, shit, shit ♪
1387
01:19:43,735 --> 01:19:46,085
♪ Shit, shit, shit, shit
Fuck ♪
1388
01:19:49,610 --> 01:19:51,961
♪ Elephant penis
stuck in a kitten ♪
1389
01:19:52,091 --> 01:19:54,137
♪ Covered in crack ho shit ♪
1390
01:19:54,267 --> 01:19:56,530
♪ Horse intestines
baked in a casserole ♪
1391
01:19:56,661 --> 01:19:59,055
♪ Served to some
preschool kids ♪
1392
01:19:59,185 --> 01:20:01,013
♪ Niggers, kikes, spics
slants and gooks ♪
1393
01:20:01,144 --> 01:20:03,668
♪ Let's not give them a pass ♪
1394
01:20:03,799 --> 01:20:06,105
♪ If you're insulted
I don't apologize ♪
1395
01:20:06,236 --> 01:20:08,238
♪ Suck a gay rhino's ass
And everybody sing ♪
1396
01:20:08,368 --> 01:20:10,718
♪ Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck
fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck ♪
1397
01:20:10,849 --> 01:20:12,895
♪ Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck
Shit ♪
1398
01:20:13,025 --> 01:20:15,158
♪ Shit, shit, shit, shit
shit, shit, shit, shit ♪
1399
01:20:15,288 --> 01:20:17,334
♪ Shit, shit, shit, shit
Fuck ♪
1400
01:20:20,380 --> 01:20:22,948
♪ Fuck ♪
1401
01:20:23,079 --> 01:20:25,690
♪ [Rock]
♪ Let's go ♪
1402
01:20:27,387 --> 01:20:28,998
♪ Go, go ♪
1403
01:20:38,790 --> 01:20:40,705
♪ Go, go, go, go ♪
1404
01:21:22,878 --> 01:21:24,792
♪ Go, go, go, go ♪
1405
01:21:52,559 --> 01:21:54,431
♪ Let's go ♪
1406
01:21:55,649 --> 01:21:57,564
♪ Go, go ♪
1407
01:22:26,376 --> 01:22:28,639
♪ Go, go, go ♪
1408
01:22:28,769 --> 01:22:29,857
Hey!
108344
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bengali
Bosnian
Bulgarian
Catalan
Cebuano
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
Dutch
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Finnish
French
Frisian
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Gujarati
Haitian Creole
Hawaiian
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Khmer
Korean
Kurdish (Kurmanji)
Kyrgyz
Lao
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Polish
Russian
Samoan
Serbian
Sesotho
Shona
Sinhala
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Swahili
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Turkish
Ukrainian
Urdu
Uzbek
Vietnamese
