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Downloaded from
YTS.MX
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[Morgan Freeman] This is Dave.
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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX
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He tells dirty jokes for a living.
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That stare is where mostof his hard work happens.
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It signifies a profound train of thought,
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the alchemist's firethat transforms fear and tragedy
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into levity and livelihood.
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Dave calls that look "the trance."
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[music playing]
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♪ Play me ♪
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♪ Buy me ♪
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♪ Workinonit ♪
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♪ Tune up ♪
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♪ Tune ♪
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♪ Oh ♪
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♪ Fade me ♪
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♪ Ah-ah, ah-ah, ah-ah ♪
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♪ In every ghetto ♪
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♪ Ah-ah, ah-ah, ah-ah ♪
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♪ In every ghetto ♪
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♪ Ah-ah, ah-ah, ah-ah ♪
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[cheers and applause]
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♪ In every ghetto ♪
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♪ Ah-ah, ah-ah, ah-ah ♪
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♪ In every ghetto ♪
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♪ Ah-ah, ah-ah, ah-ah ♪
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♪ In every ghetto ♪
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♪ Ah-ah, ah-ah, ah-ah ♪
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♪ In every ghetto ♪
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♪ Ah-ah, ah-ah, ah-ah ♪
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Thank you! Thank you very much!
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Thank you all.
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Oh, wow.
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That was exciting, wasn't it?
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Thank you, guys.
Have a seat, feel comfortable, relax.
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I want to thank everyone in LA
for a wonderful week.
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It's been great here.
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You know what? It's been ten years
since the last time I played Los Angeles,
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if you can imagine.
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I know! I know, I've been gone
for a very long time.
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And unbeknownst to you,
it was a difficult ten years.
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I'm not gonna take you
through all the agony I've been through,
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but it was tough.
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Some of it you might've seen.
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I don't know if you ever saw on TMZ
the big headline:
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"Dave Chappelle Drunk Onstage in Detroit."
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Well, if you saw it, I wasn't drunk.
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I had smoked some reefer...
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with some rappers.
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Yeah. I don't know if you know anything
about hanging out with rappers,
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but their weed is very strong,
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stronger than I what I was accustomed to.
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The article goes on
to say I was booed offstage,
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which is also incorrect.
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I was booed.
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I did not leave.
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It was a long bomb.
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It was a fucking nightmare.
Two puffs of weed, that's all it was.
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Two puffs.
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I never had that happen,
where I take two puffs of weed,
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I looked at the guy next to me,
I was like, "I'm gonna bomb, nigga.
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I can feel it."
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And that guy called my name.
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[slow and distorted speech]
"Dave Chappelle!"
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Niggas was like...
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[slow and distorted cheering]
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Normally, when you do a comedy show--
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you guys don't know what it looks like
up here,
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but niggas be just looking up
at you like...
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That's how the show started.
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Didn't take long for their faces
to switch up like, "What the fuck?"
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They started looking amongst themselves.
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So I knew I wasn't doing good.
I don't remember what I was saying.
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It just took one person to break the ice.
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It was a black lady
with a Ford Motor shirt on.
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Stood up suddenly.
"Fuck you, Dave Chappelle!"
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I said, "Excuse me?"
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She said, "I worked all week
for this shit, and this show sucks!"
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And in a weird act of racial harmony,
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a conservative white guy stood up
and backed her up.
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"Yeah!"
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The whole crowd banded together
and started chanting,
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"We want our money back!
We want our money back!"
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I said, "Oh, shit." I snapped out of it.
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"Good people of Detroit, hear me.
Hear me now.
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You will never get
your fucking money back."
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Fuck that.
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I said, "I'm like Evel Knievel.
I get paid for the attempt.
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I didn't promise this shit would be good."
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"Boo!" They said, "Fuck you!"
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This went on for a long time.
And then, after the show, I felt so bad,
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I took half of the money from the show--
thousands of dollars--
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I said, "I'm gonna give this to charity."
You know what I did?
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I bought $25,000 worth of bubble gum
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and drove around Detroit
and handed it out to the homeless
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so they could chew it
and still be hungry.
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I was very mad at Detroit that night.
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Because not only did I bomb,
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I had to go back to the very same room
the next night and do it all over again.
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Fucking nightmare. That would be like
if you were having sex with a woman
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and, for some reason--
this would never happen--
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but for some reason,
she had a mousetrap in her pussy.
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You get caught in the trap.
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And then you've got to fuck her again
tomorrow night.
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I'd still do it,
but I'd be careful the next time.
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The old mousetrap-in-the-pussy trick, eh?
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Fool me once.
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[chuckling]
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Yeah. Yeah, it was a tough time.
And I wanted to give up sometimes.
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I almost did give up,
but then, right before I gave up,
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I decided not to.
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But I made the call.
They answered the phone.
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"Hello? Dancing with the Stars."
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I said, "Not yet.
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Not yet."
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Yeah.
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If you see me on that shit, it's over.
Trust me. My spirit is broken.
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If you see me waiting for them judges...
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getting critiqued on my cha-cha,
fuck that.
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I've been hanging out in--
I haven't been working in LA,
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but I come out here and hang out and shit.
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I was out here a few weeks ago.
I almost got arrested.
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I'm not bullshitting.
This happens to a lot of black people.
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What happened was...
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I was coming out of one
of those nightclubs in Hollywood,
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and my friend saw me.
I guess I was wobbling or something.
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So, he just rolled up.
He's a good friend of mine.
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He's like, "Hey, Dave, give me the keys."
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I was like, "All right, nigga,
just take the keys."
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And I got in the passenger's side
of my car, and he drove it.
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It was fine. Just talking, chopping it up.
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And then, on the 10,
the blue-and-whites hit us.
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Now, I should tell you,
the friend that was driving me was black,
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which really doesn't have anything to do
with the story
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other than to let you know
there was fear in the car.
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Not my fear. I'm black,
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but I'm also Dave Chappelle.
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So, I figured, you know,
shit will probably be fine.
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Traffic stop started off
on the right foot.
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The cops came up to the driver's side.
"Hi. How are you guys doing tonight?"
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And he recognized me immediately.
"Oh. Dave Chappelle."
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And I looked at my friend like,
"We're getting out of this shit."
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And then he says,
"You guys were swerving in the lane.
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Do you mind just stepping out of the car
for a second?"
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Still no cause for alarm.
I looked through the rearview mirror.
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The body language of the arrest
looked good.
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Just talking.
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So, then I started fucking with the radio.
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You know a traffic stop is going good
if you're listening to the radio
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when someone else is outside of the car.
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But then, when I looked back
in the rearview mirror,
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something had gone horribly wrong.
That motherfucker was back there like...
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And the next thing I knew, they were
stuffing him in the back of the car,
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and I thought what anybody would think
in a situation like that:
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"Oh, my God.
What is gonna happen to me?"
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And the police walked up to the window.
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"Mr. Chappelle,
we had to arrest your friend.
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He refused to take our breathalyzer test."
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00:09:04,586 --> 00:09:06,629
I said, "That motherfucker.
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Not complying? That's odd.
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So, officer, what's gonna happen to me?"
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"You're fine. We're just gonna have to
ask you to step out of the car
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so we can impound the vehicle,
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00:09:17,223 --> 00:09:18,683
and we'll arrange for you
to have a ride home."
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I said, "Oh, well, no.
I would rather you just give me the keys."
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00:09:24,939 --> 00:09:27,192
He said, "Mr. Chappelle,
your friend already told us
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he's your designated driver.
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We can't let you drive in this condition."
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I was like, "No, nigga, I'm good."
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And then suddenly,
the shit turned into Vegas.
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He was like...
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"I'll let you blow for it."
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00:09:43,416 --> 00:09:44,751
I said, "Excuse me?"
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00:09:47,045 --> 00:09:48,630
He said,
"If you blow in my breathalyzer--"
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00:09:48,713 --> 00:09:51,049
I said, "Oh, nigga, I thought
you was trying to get your dick sucked.
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00:09:51,132 --> 00:09:52,258
What's the--
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Whew!
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Whew!"
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"If you blow in my breathalyzer and pass,
I'll give you the keys to the car."
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00:10:05,021 --> 00:10:06,356
I said, "Uh...
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00:10:07,690 --> 00:10:09,275
set 'em up, nigga. Let's play."
183
00:10:12,278 --> 00:10:13,571
And I blew in that thing.
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00:10:13,655 --> 00:10:15,281
[exhales deeply]
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00:10:15,365 --> 00:10:18,076
And it made a noise. "Beep!"
I said, "Uh-oh."
186
00:10:18,159 --> 00:10:21,871
And he looked at it. He said,
"Oh, well, Mr. Chappelle,
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I guess you're free to go."
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00:10:25,416 --> 00:10:27,210
I said, "I am?"
189
00:10:29,963 --> 00:10:31,256
I didn't know that thing
didn't pick up weed.
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00:10:31,339 --> 00:10:34,884
I drove home on the 10
30 miles an hour.
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00:10:36,803 --> 00:10:38,263
Yeah, it all worked out.
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00:10:40,348 --> 00:10:41,432
It all worked out.
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00:10:43,059 --> 00:10:46,062
I'm one of the lucky ones. It doesn't
work out that well for everybody.
194
00:10:46,688 --> 00:10:49,983
I saw that videotape of that lady
that got beat up in LA in traffic.
195
00:10:50,066 --> 00:10:51,693
You see that shit on rush hour traffic?
196
00:10:51,776 --> 00:10:55,238
They beat a black woman's ass.
This woman didn't even do anything wrong.
197
00:10:55,321 --> 00:10:58,783
It's fucked up. It was so fucked up,
it didn't even go to court.
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00:10:58,867 --> 00:11:04,581
The City of L.A. just gave that woman
$1.5 million for her pain and suffering.
199
00:11:04,664 --> 00:11:06,249
That is not bad,
200
00:11:06,332 --> 00:11:09,836
considering that's the same amount
of money that Marcos Maidana made
201
00:11:09,919 --> 00:11:12,380
to fight Floyd Mayweather
the second time.
202
00:11:13,548 --> 00:11:17,385
And this woman obviously hasn't trained
a day in her life.
203
00:11:18,261 --> 00:11:20,555
You can see it on the tape.
She didn't come to fight.
204
00:11:20,638 --> 00:11:23,516
Her guards were low.
She was taking a lot of shots.
205
00:11:34,652 --> 00:11:36,571
Everybody's mad at police now.
I watched that--
206
00:11:36,654 --> 00:11:40,909
You see that shit on Netflix,
Making a Murderer?
207
00:11:40,992 --> 00:11:42,952
The Steven Avery story.
208
00:11:43,661 --> 00:11:45,455
If you haven't seen it, check it out.
209
00:11:45,538 --> 00:11:49,292
Steven Avery is in more trouble
than any white person
210
00:11:49,375 --> 00:11:53,087
in the history of the United States
has ever been in!
211
00:11:54,631 --> 00:11:57,842
In a justice system designed
for him to thrive,
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00:12:00,136 --> 00:12:02,138
he's failed miserably twice.
213
00:12:03,723 --> 00:12:06,100
I can't even wrap my mind around it.
214
00:12:06,851 --> 00:12:08,770
If Making a Murderer
was about a black dude,
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00:12:08,853 --> 00:12:11,314
that shit would be called Duh!
216
00:12:13,858 --> 00:12:15,568
Of course everything would go wrong.
217
00:12:16,569 --> 00:12:21,407
Seems like he did it, all right.
The motherfucker even had $200,000
218
00:12:21,491 --> 00:12:22,700
for his legal defense.
219
00:12:22,784 --> 00:12:26,788
That should get you off in Wisconsin.
That's like OJ money.
220
00:12:28,456 --> 00:12:32,210
All he needed to get off
that he didn't have
221
00:12:33,002 --> 00:12:34,879
was a single black juror.
222
00:12:35,838 --> 00:12:37,799
That's all it would've took.
223
00:12:37,882 --> 00:12:39,842
Because only a black dude
in the United States
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00:12:39,926 --> 00:12:44,389
can look at 11 other dudes and be like,
"I think the police did this shit."
225
00:12:49,727 --> 00:12:51,854
He's fucked up in the game.
226
00:12:53,314 --> 00:12:54,983
That's how OJ got off.
227
00:12:55,984 --> 00:12:59,278
I've been watching that new OJ show.
I can't get enough of that shit.
228
00:13:01,155 --> 00:13:03,282
Doesn't it bring back good memories?
229
00:13:06,828 --> 00:13:12,583
But I forgot just how polarizing
that OJ case was.
230
00:13:12,667 --> 00:13:16,796
And you know, I've met OJ Simpson
on four different occasions in my life.
231
00:13:16,879 --> 00:13:18,965
And before the end of the show,
232
00:13:19,048 --> 00:13:21,926
I will tell you about each
of those occasions.
233
00:13:24,846 --> 00:13:28,558
The first time I met OJ Simpson,
I was in Santa Monica.
234
00:13:28,641 --> 00:13:29,934
-[man] Santa Monica!
-Yeah!
235
00:13:30,810 --> 00:13:33,354
I can't believe a black dude was like,
"Santa Monica!"
236
00:13:34,605 --> 00:13:37,233
You the last nigga I would expect
to say that.
237
00:13:38,151 --> 00:13:41,195
Let me see your shoes.
You got some Vans on, nigga? What you got?
238
00:13:44,365 --> 00:13:46,784
"Santa Monica!"
239
00:13:48,703 --> 00:13:49,996
You?
240
00:13:52,915 --> 00:13:56,502
At the time, I was 18.
I had done a show,
241
00:13:56,586 --> 00:13:59,589
and the guy from the club came up
and was like, "Hey, OJ Simpson's here,
242
00:13:59,672 --> 00:14:00,882
and he said he wants to meet you."
243
00:14:00,965 --> 00:14:04,052
I said, "What? Fuck yeah!"
I ran down the steps,
244
00:14:05,178 --> 00:14:07,305
and OJ was down there.
He's like, "Hey, young man. How are you?
245
00:14:07,388 --> 00:14:10,475
It's very good to meet you.
And you're doing really good work,
246
00:14:10,558 --> 00:14:12,685
and I hope good things happen for you
in your life."
247
00:14:12,769 --> 00:14:14,896
I was like, "Man, thanks, Mr. Juice."
248
00:14:18,149 --> 00:14:20,401
Standing beside him, was--
249
00:14:20,485 --> 00:14:22,570
I don't know the nice way to say this--
250
00:14:23,446 --> 00:14:25,531
his soon-to-be-slain wife.
251
00:14:25,615 --> 00:14:27,867
[crowd] Ohh!
252
00:14:27,950 --> 00:14:29,702
Ladies and gentlemen, man the fuck up,
253
00:14:29,786 --> 00:14:31,788
or you're not gonna make it
to the end of this show.
254
00:14:31,871 --> 00:14:33,122
Just man the fuck up.
255
00:14:34,665 --> 00:14:37,293
She's dead.
We already know what happened.
256
00:14:37,377 --> 00:14:40,671
We don't know who did it,
but we know what happened.
257
00:14:47,970 --> 00:14:50,473
I should tell you,
that woman was very nice to me.
258
00:14:50,556 --> 00:14:52,100
She actually embraced me.
259
00:14:52,183 --> 00:14:54,560
She said, "I think you're adorable,"
and she hugged me.
260
00:14:54,644 --> 00:14:58,815
She goes, "Good luck to you,"
and she held me for a long time.
261
00:14:58,898 --> 00:15:02,402
And I whispered in her ear, "Bitch,
are you trying to get us both killed?"
262
00:15:07,240 --> 00:15:09,242
I'm just kidding.
I didn't say that, but...
263
00:15:11,160 --> 00:15:12,912
that was the first time,
in a nutshell.
264
00:15:18,501 --> 00:15:21,671
It's good to see so many...
so many different people here
265
00:15:21,754 --> 00:15:24,424
from so many different ethnicities.
266
00:15:24,507 --> 00:15:25,967
[crowd cheering]
267
00:15:27,885 --> 00:15:29,512
Very diverse crowd.
268
00:15:30,221 --> 00:15:32,849
Looks like you thought Bernie Sanders
was gonna come out in this motherfucker.
269
00:15:32,932 --> 00:15:35,518
But... surprise!
270
00:15:35,601 --> 00:15:36,853
It's me.
271
00:15:39,897 --> 00:15:40,982
Yeah.
272
00:15:42,525 --> 00:15:46,112
Yeah, you know, I'm happy, really,
to see black people come.
273
00:15:46,195 --> 00:15:48,448
A lot of black people don't fuck
with me like they used to.
274
00:15:49,407 --> 00:15:52,535
But there's a few reasons
you don't see black people at my shows.
275
00:15:52,618 --> 00:15:56,789
One is because, obviously, black people
have slower Internet connections.
276
00:16:01,252 --> 00:16:03,838
I mean, that would be my guess.
I don't know what--
277
00:16:07,383 --> 00:16:10,052
Actually, my own actions drew a wedge
278
00:16:10,136 --> 00:16:12,847
between me and the community
I hold so dear.
279
00:16:14,307 --> 00:16:16,684
A couple of weeks ago,
I was supposed to be in Flint, Michigan,
280
00:16:16,767 --> 00:16:21,731
for a charity benefit that was supposed
to raise awareness
281
00:16:21,814 --> 00:16:23,733
for the appalling condition
of the water in Flint.
282
00:16:23,816 --> 00:16:25,067
I don't know if you know this,
283
00:16:25,151 --> 00:16:27,403
but the water in Flint
is fucking poisonous.
284
00:16:27,487 --> 00:16:29,363
It's actually making people sick.
285
00:16:29,447 --> 00:16:32,116
Hollywood people are like,
"So what? At least they have water."
286
00:16:32,200 --> 00:16:34,160
But this water--
287
00:16:38,706 --> 00:16:40,208
this water is fucked up.
288
00:16:40,291 --> 00:16:43,294
So, a lot of black celebrities flew
into Flint,
289
00:16:43,377 --> 00:16:46,672
and they did a tremendous charity benefit,
290
00:16:46,756 --> 00:16:49,884
and I was on the schedule to appear.
291
00:16:50,635 --> 00:16:51,844
Uh...
292
00:16:55,348 --> 00:16:59,310
So, the reason a lot of people
haven't heard about this benefit--
293
00:16:59,393 --> 00:17:01,395
it was the same day as the Oscars.
294
00:17:02,396 --> 00:17:06,901
Right, I know. So, I was on my way
to the airport to go to Flint,
295
00:17:06,984 --> 00:17:08,569
and then Chris Rock calls me
and is like,
296
00:17:08,653 --> 00:17:11,864
"Hey, Dave, I got a ticket for you
for the Oscars. Can you make it?"
297
00:17:11,948 --> 00:17:15,243
And I was like, "Sure, nigga.
I'm on my way to the airport right now."
298
00:17:19,372 --> 00:17:21,457
Come on, man.
What am I gonna do about that water?
299
00:17:21,541 --> 00:17:25,336
What am I, a fucking superhero?
I need to have fun. I need to live, too!
300
00:17:26,212 --> 00:17:27,964
I didn't fuck that water up!
301
00:17:30,550 --> 00:17:33,386
Stevie Wonder was there.
They didn't need me.
302
00:17:35,137 --> 00:17:37,348
I'm sorry, everybody.
I'd never been to the Oscars.
303
00:17:37,431 --> 00:17:38,933
You've seen the movies I make.
304
00:17:49,026 --> 00:17:51,195
I was excited.
I knew I was gonna get into some trouble,
305
00:17:51,279 --> 00:17:53,030
because when I was walking
on the red carpet,
306
00:17:53,114 --> 00:17:56,701
the black press came after me.
"Excuse me, brother."
307
00:17:56,784 --> 00:17:58,494
When you hear somebody
call you "brother" too much,
308
00:17:58,578 --> 00:17:59,787
something terrible is about to happen.
309
00:17:59,870 --> 00:18:01,414
"Excuse me, brother. Brother?"
310
00:18:01,497 --> 00:18:04,709
And I looked back, and the motherfucker
had a tuxedo with the kente cloth tie.
311
00:18:04,792 --> 00:18:05,793
I said, "Uh-oh."
312
00:18:07,461 --> 00:18:09,088
He said, "I just want
to ask you a couple questions."
313
00:18:09,171 --> 00:18:10,715
I said, "What publication are you with?"
314
00:18:10,798 --> 00:18:12,925
He said, "Me? I'm with The Daily Bongo."
315
00:18:13,009 --> 00:18:17,346
I said, "Daily Bongo? What the fuck?
Who the fuck reads this?"
316
00:18:21,017 --> 00:18:23,728
He said, "Listen, brother,
I just want to ask you a quick question.
317
00:18:23,811 --> 00:18:27,732
You understand that this year,
this is a boycott for the Oscars.
318
00:18:27,815 --> 00:18:30,234
So, I'm just wondering what made you,
of all people,
319
00:18:30,318 --> 00:18:33,654
cross the motherfucking picket line
and be here tonight."
320
00:18:33,738 --> 00:18:35,531
I said, "Boycott?
321
00:18:36,449 --> 00:18:39,577
Nigga, I haven't been working
in ten years.
322
00:18:40,661 --> 00:18:42,830
What do you mean, boycott?
I've been on strike.
323
00:18:42,913 --> 00:18:45,124
Y'all niggas didn't stop working.
324
00:18:45,207 --> 00:18:48,878
I had to watch fucking Key and Peele
do my show every night!
325
00:18:58,971 --> 00:19:01,265
So, fuck The Daily Bongo,"
is what I said.
326
00:19:02,767 --> 00:19:05,019
I went to the Oscars
and had a wonderful time.
327
00:19:05,102 --> 00:19:07,855
I went in that fucking green room.
It was filled with so many stars,
328
00:19:07,938 --> 00:19:09,357
I couldn't even believe what I was seeing.
329
00:19:09,440 --> 00:19:12,026
Hollywood was seducing me
all over again.
330
00:19:16,906 --> 00:19:20,201
I was sitting back there.
I'm smoking, drinking with the stars.
331
00:19:21,410 --> 00:19:25,373
And then two Hollywood movie producers
came over, right to me.
332
00:19:25,456 --> 00:19:28,000
"Oh, my God. Dave Chappelle,"
said the leader one.
333
00:19:28,084 --> 00:19:29,752
He was obviously gay.
334
00:19:31,045 --> 00:19:32,922
Some guys, you can just tell.
335
00:19:34,674 --> 00:19:37,760
The other one seemed like a money guy.
Maybe he was from Texas or some shit.
336
00:19:37,843 --> 00:19:40,721
But the gay one was definitely the leader
because he did all the talking.
337
00:19:41,555 --> 00:19:44,016
And then he hit me with:
"So, David, um...
338
00:19:44,975 --> 00:19:48,562
do you have any movie ideas
that you would like to pursue?"
339
00:19:49,397 --> 00:19:51,440
The truth is, I don't.
340
00:19:53,401 --> 00:19:54,527
But if you know the game,
341
00:19:54,610 --> 00:19:56,779
you're not supposed to tell motherfuckers
you don't have ideas.
342
00:19:56,862 --> 00:19:59,740
I was like, "Yeah, man.
I got plenty of ideas."
343
00:19:59,824 --> 00:20:02,076
And he called my bluff.
"Really? Like what?"
344
00:20:02,159 --> 00:20:04,036
"Huh? Oh.
345
00:20:05,162 --> 00:20:06,247
Um...
346
00:20:07,248 --> 00:20:08,541
um..."
347
00:20:08,624 --> 00:20:13,337
And then I just started making up shit
that I thought maybe he'd like to see.
348
00:20:14,422 --> 00:20:16,882
I said, "I have a superhero idea."
He goes, "Really?"
349
00:20:16,966 --> 00:20:20,219
I go, "Yeah. He's a--
He's a gay superhero."
350
00:20:20,302 --> 00:20:22,805
He was like, "Really?!
351
00:20:24,932 --> 00:20:26,267
What's it called?"
352
00:20:26,350 --> 00:20:29,937
"Huh? Oh, it's called--
It's called Same Hero, New Boots.
353
00:20:33,399 --> 00:20:35,818
It's about a gay sous-chef
in San Francisco...
354
00:20:37,653 --> 00:20:39,864
that gets bit by a radioactive rat
on his shift
355
00:20:39,947 --> 00:20:41,240
when he's taking out the trash
356
00:20:42,074 --> 00:20:44,702
and is blessed with powers
beyond his wildest dreams,
357
00:20:44,785 --> 00:20:47,872
supersonic gay kind of powers.
358
00:20:47,955 --> 00:20:51,709
And he starts saving everybody
in San Francisco.
359
00:20:51,792 --> 00:20:54,003
But at first, he only saves gay people.
360
00:20:54,086 --> 00:20:55,796
Later, he saves everybody,
361
00:20:55,880 --> 00:20:57,923
and the whole city just falls in love
with him.
362
00:20:58,007 --> 00:21:01,677
The only problem is,
no one remembers him when he saves them."
363
00:21:01,761 --> 00:21:05,473
"Well, I don't understand.
Why wouldn't they remember him?"
364
00:21:05,556 --> 00:21:07,433
I said, "Because, dummy, he's gay.
365
00:21:08,642 --> 00:21:10,478
He keeps changing his outfit.
366
00:21:14,732 --> 00:21:18,068
People come up--
'Thanks for saving me, sir.
367
00:21:18,152 --> 00:21:19,278
What's your name anyway?'
368
00:21:19,361 --> 00:21:21,989
He's like, 'Same Hero, New Boots!'
369
00:21:22,072 --> 00:21:23,699
And that motherfucker flies away."
370
00:21:29,497 --> 00:21:31,957
He was like, "I like it a lot."
371
00:21:33,000 --> 00:21:36,462
The Texan didn't like that shit at all.
He was upset.
372
00:21:36,545 --> 00:21:38,547
"That's impossible, a gay superhero."
373
00:21:38,631 --> 00:21:42,468
I said, "What? Well, I have others.
I have a superhero you'd love,
374
00:21:42,551 --> 00:21:44,136
'cause he's stronger than Superman
375
00:21:44,220 --> 00:21:47,807
and he fights for truth, justice
and the American way, like Superman,
376
00:21:47,890 --> 00:21:49,141
but more than Superman.
377
00:21:49,225 --> 00:21:51,101
He beats up Mexicans for no reason."
378
00:21:56,232 --> 00:21:58,692
The Texan's like, "You got my attention."
379
00:22:00,736 --> 00:22:02,947
I'm like, "Man,
this motherfucker's so strong,
380
00:22:03,030 --> 00:22:05,032
he can fly and do all this great shit.
381
00:22:05,115 --> 00:22:08,786
Only problem with this guy
is he can't even activate his powers
382
00:22:08,869 --> 00:22:10,329
unless he touches--
383
00:22:10,412 --> 00:22:12,414
unless he touches a woman's vagina.
384
00:22:13,165 --> 00:22:16,210
Not a long touch, just a couple of pats."
385
00:22:25,678 --> 00:22:27,805
He said, "Well,
what's the problem with that?"
386
00:22:27,888 --> 00:22:32,935
I said, "The problem, sir,
is that our hero is not a handsome man.
387
00:22:33,769 --> 00:22:37,231
And he's often short on cash.
388
00:22:40,859 --> 00:22:43,362
So, whenever trouble breaks out,
he has to run around the city
389
00:22:43,445 --> 00:22:45,739
and convince women
to let him pat their vaginas.
390
00:22:45,823 --> 00:22:49,952
'Please, miss! That building's on fire.
Can I pat your vagina? Quickly.
391
00:22:50,035 --> 00:22:51,245
People are dying!'
392
00:22:51,328 --> 00:22:52,830
But he can't tell them exactly why.
393
00:22:52,913 --> 00:22:54,540
'Eww! Get away! You're gross!'
394
00:22:54,623 --> 00:22:58,419
'Please, miss! People are dying!
Just a couple of pats!'
395
00:22:58,502 --> 00:23:01,297
'Eww! Gross! Get away!'
396
00:23:07,011 --> 00:23:08,304
So, he rapes them.
397
00:23:10,472 --> 00:23:15,144
I know, I know.
That's the dilemma for the audience.
398
00:23:16,228 --> 00:23:20,190
Because he rapes,
but he saves a lot of lives.
399
00:23:21,275 --> 00:23:26,238
And he saves way more than he rapes,
and he only rapes to save.
400
00:23:28,240 --> 00:23:30,075
But he does rape."
401
00:23:32,536 --> 00:23:35,539
I didn't realize it, but the whole
green room was looking at us.
402
00:23:35,623 --> 00:23:37,166
All the celebrities were disgusted.
403
00:23:37,249 --> 00:23:38,250
"Ohh."
404
00:23:39,168 --> 00:23:42,796
That guy from Texas was like,
"Here's my card. Call me on Monday."
405
00:23:46,091 --> 00:23:47,301
That worked out.
406
00:23:50,638 --> 00:23:52,723
The second time I met OJ Simpson.
407
00:23:59,438 --> 00:24:02,274
It was right after
the trial of the century.
408
00:24:02,733 --> 00:24:06,028
There I was,
now a young man of probably 23.
409
00:24:07,154 --> 00:24:13,494
OJ Simpson was the most famous,
or infamous, face on planet Earth.
410
00:24:13,577 --> 00:24:16,872
I was in a restaurant in Beverly Hills
with my agents.
411
00:24:16,955 --> 00:24:19,291
I wasn't alone in the restaurant,
but I was alone.
412
00:24:19,375 --> 00:24:22,795
I was the only black person
in the restaurant.
413
00:24:22,878 --> 00:24:25,589
And in the '90s,
that felt very uncomfortable.
414
00:24:26,382 --> 00:24:28,842
Now I tend to enjoy it at this age.
415
00:24:34,098 --> 00:24:35,265
I was having dinner with my agents,
416
00:24:35,349 --> 00:24:36,975
celebrating a deal
that they told me was lucrative,
417
00:24:37,059 --> 00:24:39,436
but I later learned fucking sucked.
418
00:24:41,563 --> 00:24:44,483
And suddenly, a group of women walked by.
419
00:24:44,566 --> 00:24:46,402
Every race was in that group.
420
00:24:47,403 --> 00:24:51,156
Black, white, Asian, Latina,
421
00:24:51,240 --> 00:24:53,409
white, white...
422
00:24:54,368 --> 00:24:55,661
and white again.
423
00:24:57,454 --> 00:25:00,249
They were all gorgeous.
I watched them walk by.
424
00:25:00,332 --> 00:25:02,668
Then I saw a familiar face.
425
00:25:02,751 --> 00:25:06,130
Al Cowlings,
the man from the infamous Bronco chase,
426
00:25:06,213 --> 00:25:09,633
walked by and embraced one of the women,
and they walked towards the door.
427
00:25:09,717 --> 00:25:13,137
Couldn't believe what I saw.
And then, close behind him,
428
00:25:13,220 --> 00:25:16,390
was OJ Simpson,
newly released from jail.
429
00:25:16,473 --> 00:25:17,891
The restaurant fell still.
430
00:25:18,851 --> 00:25:22,146
I was shocked. I didn't mean
to say it out loud, but it just came out.
431
00:25:22,229 --> 00:25:23,981
[gasps] "OJ!"
432
00:25:25,899 --> 00:25:28,944
He stopped,
turned around to see who said it,
433
00:25:29,027 --> 00:25:32,114
saw my black face
and correctly assumed it was me.
434
00:25:37,786 --> 00:25:39,455
I was sitting in the corner of the booth.
435
00:25:39,538 --> 00:25:41,749
He leaned over all the white people
I was having dinner with
436
00:25:41,832 --> 00:25:42,875
and shook my hand.
437
00:25:42,958 --> 00:25:45,127
"How are you, young man?"
438
00:25:45,210 --> 00:25:47,963
He looked in my eyes,
and I could see in his eyes
439
00:25:48,046 --> 00:25:50,382
that he didn't remember meeting me
the first time.
440
00:25:52,259 --> 00:25:53,927
And then he walked away.
441
00:25:54,720 --> 00:25:56,346
And I looked back at my agents,
442
00:25:56,430 --> 00:26:02,478
and all of them had nothing short
of disgust on their faces.
443
00:26:02,561 --> 00:26:05,355
And the only one with the courage
to voice their disgust
444
00:26:05,439 --> 00:26:08,817
was a woman named Sharon
who used to represent me.
445
00:26:09,735 --> 00:26:11,361
"How could you?" she said.
446
00:26:12,279 --> 00:26:15,866
"How could you shake hands
with that murderer?"
447
00:26:16,992 --> 00:26:19,661
I said, "Sharon, with all due respect,
448
00:26:19,745 --> 00:26:22,664
that murderer ran for over 11,000 yards.
449
00:26:29,671 --> 00:26:31,757
And he was acquitted.
So, you know, fuck it.
450
00:26:32,633 --> 00:26:34,051
The glove didn't fit.
451
00:26:35,511 --> 00:26:37,471
The glove didn't fit.
452
00:26:37,554 --> 00:26:39,223
Get over yourself."
453
00:26:43,811 --> 00:26:44,937
Some people can't do that.
454
00:26:45,020 --> 00:26:47,314
Some people just can't
get over themselves.
455
00:26:50,108 --> 00:26:52,694
Gay people have a hard time
doing that recently.
456
00:26:53,320 --> 00:26:55,114
Here we go. Here comes the deep water.
457
00:26:57,574 --> 00:26:58,992
No, recently I've noticed that.
458
00:26:59,076 --> 00:27:02,830
I noticed it
with that Manny Pacquiao controversy.
459
00:27:03,622 --> 00:27:08,085
Yeah, it was--
Now, in the gay community's defense,
460
00:27:08,836 --> 00:27:12,506
Manny Pacquiao said some outlandish shit
about gay people,
461
00:27:12,589 --> 00:27:14,633
very not nice things that I won't repeat,
462
00:27:14,716 --> 00:27:21,348
but there was biblical verses
and some analogies to animals.
463
00:27:21,431 --> 00:27:24,893
It wasn't a good look.
Nike took his shoes immediately.
464
00:27:26,562 --> 00:27:30,691
Which I thought was a little harsh.
A little harsh, you know what I mean?
465
00:27:30,774 --> 00:27:33,527
Just 'cause he's Asian.
You know what I mean?
466
00:27:33,610 --> 00:27:38,407
How the fuck are you gonna take the shoes
off an Asian dude to appease a gay dude?
467
00:27:38,490 --> 00:27:40,701
You know what I mean?
No? You don't know what I mean.
468
00:27:40,784 --> 00:27:45,539
But Asian people kind of know what I mean.
No? No Asians in the front? No?
469
00:27:46,999 --> 00:27:50,085
No, this is what I mean.
Look, you're an Asian dude--
470
00:27:50,168 --> 00:27:53,672
I say this with no disrespect.
We're all Americans, right?
471
00:27:54,464 --> 00:27:58,260
And we can agree that America
has a huge body count all over the world,
472
00:27:58,343 --> 00:28:00,012
but nowhere more than Asia.
473
00:28:00,095 --> 00:28:02,848
Literally, if you look at history,
recently,
474
00:28:02,931 --> 00:28:07,519
we have bombed the masculinity out
of an entire continent.
475
00:28:07,603 --> 00:28:10,397
We dropped two atomic bombs
on fucking Japan,
476
00:28:10,480 --> 00:28:13,442
and they've been drawing Hello Kitty
and shit ever since.
477
00:28:15,360 --> 00:28:18,655
There's a lot of lady-boys
in the wake of our bombs.
478
00:28:20,532 --> 00:28:22,784
And I know these things
because my wife is Asian.
479
00:28:22,868 --> 00:28:23,994
She's Filipino.
480
00:28:25,913 --> 00:28:27,789
All right, okay. So, that explains it.
481
00:28:27,873 --> 00:28:31,209
Now you know why you see me
at all those Filipino events.
482
00:28:32,419 --> 00:28:35,422
I'm not there picking up pussy.
I'm dropping some off.
483
00:28:42,095 --> 00:28:43,597
I take my wife to all that shit.
484
00:28:43,680 --> 00:28:46,099
I took my wife to see Pacquiao
fight Mayweather.
485
00:28:46,183 --> 00:28:49,102
We sat ringside, okay? That--
486
00:28:49,186 --> 00:28:52,564
Yeah, that was a quiet car ride home,
that's what that was.
487
00:28:55,859 --> 00:28:57,945
But if you know what's popping
in the Philippines,
488
00:28:58,028 --> 00:29:01,823
you know that they got a whole generation
of kids in the Philippines
489
00:29:01,907 --> 00:29:05,953
growing up without their mothers. Yes.
490
00:29:06,036 --> 00:29:09,081
A lot of women in the Philippines go
to the Arabian Peninsula,
491
00:29:09,164 --> 00:29:11,833
they come to the United States,
they make all their money here,
492
00:29:11,917 --> 00:29:13,627
they send all that money back home,
493
00:29:13,710 --> 00:29:16,838
which is still one of the number-one
staples in the Philippines' economy--
494
00:29:16,922 --> 00:29:20,092
money that the expats send back
to the Philippines.
495
00:29:20,175 --> 00:29:23,679
The men, on the other hand,
are left rearing children,
496
00:29:23,762 --> 00:29:26,723
twiddling their thumbs,
waiting on their wives' checks.
497
00:29:26,807 --> 00:29:30,060
These men have been fucking emasculated.
498
00:29:30,143 --> 00:29:34,273
And then suddenly,
a boxer rises from amongst them
499
00:29:34,356 --> 00:29:39,528
and reinstates their manhood
with his motherfucking fist.
500
00:29:41,238 --> 00:29:43,532
This is not the guy you're supposed
to ask,
501
00:29:43,615 --> 00:29:45,284
"What do you think of homosexuals?"
502
00:29:47,244 --> 00:29:48,829
He's not your champ.
503
00:29:51,748 --> 00:29:54,710
Shit.
That's why I don't have a sneaker deal,
504
00:29:54,793 --> 00:29:56,753
'cause if you say something
that people don't like,
505
00:29:56,837 --> 00:29:58,547
they'll take your fucking shoes off.
506
00:29:59,715 --> 00:30:03,218
If Martin Luther King had a sneaker deal,
we'd still be on the back of the bus.
507
00:30:03,927 --> 00:30:05,804
It's true. The Nike exec would come up--
508
00:30:05,887 --> 00:30:07,889
"Hi, Martin. Uh...
509
00:30:09,391 --> 00:30:13,270
we need you to tone down the talk
of civil rights
510
00:30:13,353 --> 00:30:16,023
and blacks being humans.
511
00:30:16,106 --> 00:30:19,818
It's upsetting our Southern distributors."
512
00:30:20,777 --> 00:30:22,571
[imitating Martin Luther King, Jr.]
"But I don't understand.
513
00:30:23,780 --> 00:30:27,492
I thought that's why I had a sneaker deal
in the first place."
514
00:30:29,369 --> 00:30:30,746
"Not quite.
515
00:30:31,538 --> 00:30:35,167
Really, it's a walking shoe.
And we like the marching, but...
516
00:30:35,250 --> 00:30:36,501
[sighs]
517
00:30:38,045 --> 00:30:39,671
Try to understand."
518
00:30:41,048 --> 00:30:42,341
Fuck that shit.
519
00:30:43,592 --> 00:30:46,428
You know, I get it, though.
I understand why gay people are mad,
520
00:30:46,511 --> 00:30:47,763
and I empathize.
521
00:30:47,846 --> 00:30:50,974
You know what?
I'm just telling you this as a black dude.
522
00:30:51,058 --> 00:30:52,809
I support your movement.
523
00:30:52,893 --> 00:30:56,355
But if you want to take some advice
from a Negro, pace yourself.
524
00:30:57,397 --> 00:30:59,024
These things take a while.
525
00:30:59,691 --> 00:31:02,903
Just 'cause they passed the law
doesn't mean they're gonna like it.
526
00:31:02,986 --> 00:31:06,198
Brown v. Board of Education was
in 1955.
527
00:31:06,281 --> 00:31:08,992
Somebody called me a nigger in traffic
last Wednesday.
528
00:31:09,076 --> 00:31:11,203
It takes a minute.
529
00:31:17,626 --> 00:31:20,796
My wife's friend Stewart told me that.
My wife has a lot of gay friends.
530
00:31:20,879 --> 00:31:22,714
Stewart's their leader.
531
00:31:25,509 --> 00:31:29,054
She has a lot of gay friends.
And I don't like 'em.
532
00:31:34,351 --> 00:31:35,352
Not 'cause they're gay.
533
00:31:35,435 --> 00:31:37,187
I'm just judging them
on the merits of their character.
534
00:31:37,270 --> 00:31:40,273
They're just not nice dudes.
They're fucking rude houseguests.
535
00:31:40,357 --> 00:31:43,443
They're sitting on my couch,
giggling with my wife,
536
00:31:43,527 --> 00:31:46,571
eating my motherfucking macaroons.
537
00:31:48,073 --> 00:31:49,866
Then I come in,
and they act like the party's over.
538
00:31:49,950 --> 00:31:51,201
"Hey, Stewart. What's going on?"
539
00:31:51,284 --> 00:31:53,620
This guy talks to me the way
a cat would speak if a cat could talk.
540
00:31:54,663 --> 00:31:56,748
[bored tone] "Hi, David."
541
00:32:01,378 --> 00:32:03,505
"Stewart, what's all the beef, man?
What's going--"
542
00:32:04,714 --> 00:32:06,800
He always wants to have
some kind of gay political argument.
543
00:32:06,883 --> 00:32:10,679
The last one was about a petition
in federal court
544
00:32:10,762 --> 00:32:13,181
to take the words "husband and wife" out
of the law.
545
00:32:13,265 --> 00:32:15,392
I said, "Why would you want those words
out of the law?"
546
00:32:15,475 --> 00:32:18,311
He said, "Because it discriminates
against same-sex couples."
547
00:32:18,395 --> 00:32:20,689
I was like, "Niggas, please,
save me the semantics.
548
00:32:20,772 --> 00:32:23,608
Just trust me. Take your chips
and get the fuck out of the casino.
549
00:32:23,692 --> 00:32:25,026
You're about to crap out!
550
00:32:26,111 --> 00:32:29,114
Just go outside,
talk that over amongst yourselves,
551
00:32:29,197 --> 00:32:32,242
and whichever one of you is gayer,
that's the wife."
552
00:32:38,457 --> 00:32:40,459
No, no. Stewart didn't like that.
553
00:32:41,460 --> 00:32:44,838
Stewart educates me about this movement.
I didn't even know shit about it.
554
00:32:44,921 --> 00:32:50,886
He told me it's called "LBGTQ!"
555
00:32:53,346 --> 00:32:55,474
I was like, "What the fuck is the 'Q'?"
556
00:32:55,557 --> 00:32:57,517
Does that even make sense? "Q"?
557
00:32:57,601 --> 00:32:59,644
Turns out "Q" is like the vowels.
558
00:32:59,728 --> 00:33:02,772
That shit is sometimes "Y."
559
00:33:04,399 --> 00:33:06,735
It's for gay dudes
that don't really know they're gay.
560
00:33:06,818 --> 00:33:08,904
Like prison fags who are like,
"What? I'm not gay, nigga.
561
00:33:08,987 --> 00:33:11,531
I'm just sucking these dicks
to pass the time.
562
00:33:13,283 --> 00:33:15,535
I'm not 'G.' I'm 'Q.' Ugh."
563
00:33:27,923 --> 00:33:31,384
I think--
Okay, again, of all those letters,
564
00:33:31,468 --> 00:33:34,262
the "T" has the toughest road ahead.
565
00:33:34,346 --> 00:33:37,849
In fact, I think the "T" should stand
for "Tough road ahead."
566
00:33:41,144 --> 00:33:43,605
They've got the longest mental gap
to bridge.
567
00:33:43,688 --> 00:33:44,856
That's all I'm saying.
568
00:33:44,940 --> 00:33:47,108
Because whenever I see one
of them Ts on the street,
569
00:33:47,192 --> 00:33:50,111
I don't mind them,
but I'll be like, "Man, I miss Bruce."
570
00:33:54,241 --> 00:33:55,742
I'm sorry, guys.
571
00:33:56,493 --> 00:33:59,621
I'm 42. I remember Bruce Jenner.
572
00:34:01,081 --> 00:34:02,916
Before the Kardashians, before all that,
573
00:34:02,999 --> 00:34:06,127
this motherfucker
was a white American superhero.
574
00:34:07,087 --> 00:34:10,298
It was amazing. He was beating Africans
at track and field.
575
00:34:11,883 --> 00:34:13,760
We'd never seen anything like it.
576
00:34:15,136 --> 00:34:17,055
He was on my cereal box growing up.
577
00:34:17,138 --> 00:34:20,976
You know how much of that cereal I ate?
Nigga, I didn't know he was gonna do that.
578
00:34:25,772 --> 00:34:30,068
I knew before you guys knew.
I heard things on the street in Hollywood.
579
00:34:30,151 --> 00:34:31,945
You'd just be out, see people.
580
00:34:32,028 --> 00:34:34,906
"Hey, what's up, Kanye?
Why the long face?"
581
00:34:38,618 --> 00:34:39,828
"Nigga, you'll see.
582
00:34:41,079 --> 00:34:43,164
I got two mother-in-laws now."
583
00:34:45,584 --> 00:34:48,878
And when I heard he was gonna do it,
I was scared.
584
00:34:49,629 --> 00:34:52,591
I didn't think the public was ready.
I didn't think the media was ready.
585
00:34:52,674 --> 00:34:54,801
And you know what? I was wrong.
586
00:34:54,884 --> 00:34:57,637
Not only did the public embrace him,
but the media was nice.
587
00:34:57,721 --> 00:34:59,264
I'd never seen anything like it.
588
00:34:59,347 --> 00:35:02,642
"Welcome to the world, Caitlyn.
So long, Bruce.
589
00:35:03,393 --> 00:35:04,644
Hello, Caitlyn."
590
00:35:04,728 --> 00:35:07,814
I was shocked! Is this happening?
591
00:35:07,897 --> 00:35:10,275
Wait a minute.
Is this a time in American history
592
00:35:10,358 --> 00:35:12,819
where an American can make a decision
for themselves,
593
00:35:12,902 --> 00:35:15,655
and even though other Americans
don't understand it, they'll support it
594
00:35:15,739 --> 00:35:17,532
and let this person live a happy life?
595
00:35:17,616 --> 00:35:21,077
Is this what's happening?
If it is, then good for America.
596
00:35:21,161 --> 00:35:24,039
That's Dave Chappelle, the American.
597
00:35:28,585 --> 00:35:30,879
Although, Dave Chappelle,
the black American,
598
00:35:32,589 --> 00:35:34,174
he was a little jealous.
599
00:35:34,966 --> 00:35:37,510
I was like, "How the fuck
are transgender people
600
00:35:37,594 --> 00:35:40,430
beating black people
in the discrimination Olympics?"
601
00:35:41,723 --> 00:35:45,852
If the police shot half as many
transgenders as they did niggas last year,
602
00:35:45,935 --> 00:35:47,646
there'd be a fucking war in LA.
603
00:35:48,688 --> 00:35:51,816
I know black dudes in Brooklyn--
hard street motherfuckers--
604
00:35:51,900 --> 00:35:53,652
that wear high heels just to feel safe.
605
00:36:07,332 --> 00:36:09,084
Transgenders are gangsters.
606
00:36:09,959 --> 00:36:12,712
I used to do business
with a transgender in Hollywood.
607
00:36:13,838 --> 00:36:16,549
Man, everybody would be scared of her
in the boardroom.
608
00:36:16,633 --> 00:36:19,678
She'd walk in there, newly-minted woman,
high heels, purse.
609
00:36:22,013 --> 00:36:24,349
Wouldn't say anything to us,
just walk around the conference table,
610
00:36:24,432 --> 00:36:25,600
looking mean and shit.
611
00:36:34,025 --> 00:36:37,612
Then she'd walk to the head
of the conference table, stare at us all,
612
00:36:37,696 --> 00:36:40,740
reach in her purse, pull her old dick out
and throw it on the table.
613
00:36:44,911 --> 00:36:46,663
"Let's talk business, gentlemen."
614
00:36:46,746 --> 00:36:48,707
"Aaah!"
615
00:36:54,170 --> 00:36:56,005
Shit is scary as fuck.
616
00:36:56,881 --> 00:36:59,759
If your best friend pitched that to you,
you'd be horrified.
617
00:36:59,843 --> 00:37:01,594
"Yo, nigga, let's go to the hospital
618
00:37:01,678 --> 00:37:04,013
and cut our dicks off
and make pussies out of them shits."
619
00:37:04,097 --> 00:37:05,390
"What?!
620
00:37:06,474 --> 00:37:09,644
Can't we just get matching jackets
or tattoos or something?
621
00:37:11,855 --> 00:37:14,441
You sure that's what you want to do?"
"There's only way to find out, nigga.
622
00:37:14,524 --> 00:37:17,944
Wu-Tang! Pow! Pow!
623
00:37:21,364 --> 00:37:24,242
Let's go to the club
and trick niggas into fucking us. Yeah."
624
00:37:35,044 --> 00:37:36,880
The third time I met OJ Simpson--
625
00:37:45,096 --> 00:37:48,224
The third time I met OJ Simpson,
I was doing great in life.
626
00:37:48,308 --> 00:37:50,935
I'd just finished the second season
of Chappelle's Show.
627
00:37:54,689 --> 00:37:56,900
Man, those were good days.
628
00:37:57,817 --> 00:38:00,737
I was playing a comedy club in Miami,
The Improv.
629
00:38:00,820 --> 00:38:02,155
I don't know if you've ever been,
but if you have,
630
00:38:02,238 --> 00:38:05,074
you'd know the door for the green room
is right on the stage.
631
00:38:05,158 --> 00:38:06,618
Can you imagine such a thing?
632
00:38:06,701 --> 00:38:08,286
If I walked out of the door
of the green room,
633
00:38:08,369 --> 00:38:10,663
bam, I was right here,
right from the dressing room.
634
00:38:10,747 --> 00:38:14,375
And I did that. I walked out,
and the whole crowd was like, "Hooray!"
635
00:38:14,459 --> 00:38:18,671
And I looked--
ma'am, as close as you are to me--
636
00:38:18,755 --> 00:38:21,591
I saw him as soon as I came out:
The Juice.
637
00:38:23,968 --> 00:38:26,262
And I saw recognition in his eyes,
638
00:38:26,346 --> 00:38:29,307
and it filled me with pride
that he knew who I was.
639
00:38:29,390 --> 00:38:32,602
I didn't acknowledge his presence
because it was a white audience,
640
00:38:32,685 --> 00:38:34,354
and I didn't want to start a panic.
641
00:38:39,359 --> 00:38:41,069
But I did my show. The show went great.
642
00:38:41,152 --> 00:38:43,446
I said, "Good night, everyone."
They all said, "Yay!"
643
00:38:43,530 --> 00:38:44,697
And I didn't say nothing to OJ,
644
00:38:44,781 --> 00:38:46,741
but I just gave him the signal
to let him know I knew he was there.
645
00:38:47,492 --> 00:38:48,493
[clicks tongue]
646
00:38:50,411 --> 00:38:52,455
And I walked into the green room,
647
00:38:52,539 --> 00:38:55,124
and OJ was already in there!
648
00:38:57,001 --> 00:38:59,629
I was like,
"How the fuck is this possible?"
649
00:38:59,712 --> 00:39:00,755
I was scared.
650
00:39:02,006 --> 00:39:04,843
And then my friends came in,
and we all started talking.
651
00:39:04,926 --> 00:39:05,927
We sat down on the couch.
652
00:39:06,010 --> 00:39:08,304
And I'm just telling you what I saw
with my own eyes.
653
00:39:08,388 --> 00:39:10,306
You can believe me or not believe me.
654
00:39:10,390 --> 00:39:15,186
But in my experience, OJ Simpson--
one of the nicest men I'd ever met.
655
00:39:16,229 --> 00:39:19,357
He was nice to me.
He was nice to my friends.
656
00:39:19,440 --> 00:39:23,069
The conversation was filled with warmth
and levity, humor and wisdom.
657
00:39:24,737 --> 00:39:27,282
We talked for 90 minutes,
and then suddenly, the Juice said,
658
00:39:27,365 --> 00:39:30,952
"You know what? I've got to be going.
But it's good to see you again,
659
00:39:31,035 --> 00:39:33,246
and I'm glad things went so well."
660
00:39:33,329 --> 00:39:34,581
I said, "Thanks, Juice."
661
00:39:34,664 --> 00:39:36,749
And my friends said,
"Yeah, goodbye, Mr. Juice."
662
00:39:36,833 --> 00:39:38,084
They were new to the game.
663
00:39:41,504 --> 00:39:45,884
He said, "No. Thank you...
for your hospitality. Good night, guys."
664
00:39:45,967 --> 00:39:49,178
And we said, "Good night."
And he just walked out of the room.
665
00:39:49,262 --> 00:39:51,264
And as soon as the door closed,
we all looked at each other like,
666
00:39:51,347 --> 00:39:53,182
"That nigga did that shit.
667
00:39:54,392 --> 00:39:55,727
Did you feel that?
668
00:39:57,729 --> 00:39:59,272
I could feel like...
669
00:40:01,524 --> 00:40:03,151
murder in the room."
670
00:40:06,738 --> 00:40:08,448
Well, you young heads missed that shit.
671
00:40:08,531 --> 00:40:09,908
You're all too young.
You don't remember that.
672
00:40:09,991 --> 00:40:12,201
-How old are you, young, man? You.
-Twenty-four.
673
00:40:12,285 --> 00:40:14,621
Twenty-four? You don't know shit.
674
00:40:14,704 --> 00:40:16,122
You don't know shit!
675
00:40:16,915 --> 00:40:19,208
You gotta Google shit
that I lived through.
676
00:40:20,585 --> 00:40:22,587
See, this is why
I lock motherfuckers' phones up.
677
00:40:22,670 --> 00:40:25,006
Seriously. Because the young kids,
678
00:40:25,089 --> 00:40:27,467
you guys need to take a break from that--
679
00:40:27,550 --> 00:40:29,636
We all need to break just
from that technology,
680
00:40:29,719 --> 00:40:30,803
just for a minute.
681
00:40:36,309 --> 00:40:39,938
You know, I'm from a different time,
young man. A dark time to you.
682
00:40:41,272 --> 00:40:44,400
I'm from a time that I didn't even used
to know who was on the phone
683
00:40:44,484 --> 00:40:45,860
until I answered the shit.
684
00:40:52,283 --> 00:40:55,662
Like, when tragedy used to strike.
I remember I was 12 years old,
685
00:40:55,745 --> 00:40:59,457
and the teacher wheeled a television set
into the classroom.
686
00:40:59,540 --> 00:41:00,667
You remember these days?
687
00:41:03,086 --> 00:41:06,214
And she turned it on
to one of three channels.
688
00:41:07,757 --> 00:41:11,177
And she said,
"Class, the space shuttle is taking off,
689
00:41:11,260 --> 00:41:13,388
and we're all gonna watch it take off."
690
00:41:13,471 --> 00:41:16,975
Man, that shit was going great
for like, three to five minutes.
691
00:41:17,892 --> 00:41:21,896
That's right. You remember.
It fucking exploded!
692
00:41:23,564 --> 00:41:26,693
Right on television.
Everybody on board, dead.
693
00:41:26,776 --> 00:41:28,361
Immediately presumed dead.
694
00:41:29,362 --> 00:41:31,864
It was so bad, the teacher looked
at all the kids and was like...
695
00:41:34,867 --> 00:41:36,035
"You can go home."
696
00:41:39,872 --> 00:41:42,709
It was a goddamn national tragedy.
697
00:41:42,792 --> 00:41:46,379
This was Cold War America.
The Russians were laughing at us.
698
00:41:47,046 --> 00:41:50,842
My point is, for a guy your age
wouldn't even know the pain,
699
00:41:50,925 --> 00:41:52,301
because in your generation,
700
00:41:52,385 --> 00:41:55,471
it's like the space shuttle blows up
every fucking day.
701
00:41:55,555 --> 00:42:00,393
How can you care about anything
when you know every goddamn thing?
702
00:42:00,476 --> 00:42:03,813
I'm getting over one cop shooting,
and then another one happens,
703
00:42:03,896 --> 00:42:06,024
and then another one happens,
and another one happens.
704
00:42:06,107 --> 00:42:08,484
I'm crying about Paris,
and then Brussels happens.
705
00:42:08,568 --> 00:42:12,238
I can't keep track of all this shit.
So you just give the fuck up.
706
00:42:12,321 --> 00:42:15,533
That's the hallmark of your generation,
and that's fucked up,
707
00:42:15,616 --> 00:42:17,493
because your generation lives
708
00:42:17,577 --> 00:42:19,746
in the most difficult time
in human history.
709
00:42:19,829 --> 00:42:23,666
This is the age of spin.
710
00:42:23,750 --> 00:42:28,337
The age where nobody knows
what the fuck they're even looking at.
711
00:42:28,421 --> 00:42:31,340
Did you know that Planned Parenthood was
for abortions?
712
00:42:31,424 --> 00:42:34,469
It's for people
that don't plan things out at all.
713
00:42:38,973 --> 00:42:44,854
That's right. So, a guy your age
doesn't really know how he feels.
714
00:42:44,937 --> 00:42:47,982
Are you pro-choice?
Are you anti-consequences?
715
00:42:48,066 --> 00:42:49,484
What does it all really mean?
716
00:42:53,321 --> 00:42:55,740
It's easier not to care for you.
717
00:42:55,823 --> 00:42:59,243
But for us, we were trained to care.
718
00:43:00,161 --> 00:43:02,455
We were raised that way.
719
00:43:02,538 --> 00:43:05,541
I used to watch a fucking cartoon
when I was growing up
720
00:43:05,625 --> 00:43:07,251
called Care Bears.
721
00:43:12,298 --> 00:43:15,551
It was about a fucking group
of teddy-bear people.
722
00:43:15,635 --> 00:43:18,096
They were like teddy bears,
but they were like people,
723
00:43:18,179 --> 00:43:20,598
and they were all different colors,
724
00:43:20,681 --> 00:43:24,185
and they all fucking
just walked around, caring.
725
00:43:24,268 --> 00:43:28,106
They cared about each other
and everything else.
726
00:43:29,482 --> 00:43:32,443
They all had different designs
on their stomachs,
727
00:43:32,527 --> 00:43:36,781
and the designs told you something
about what they might be like inside.
728
00:43:39,367 --> 00:43:42,370
Very, very loving group of beings.
729
00:43:43,329 --> 00:43:46,415
And when shit got real bad,
as nice as those teddy bears were,
730
00:43:46,499 --> 00:43:49,544
they didn't get mean faces.
They got determined. Hmm!
731
00:43:50,628 --> 00:43:52,839
And the leader would say,
"Come on, guys.
732
00:43:52,922 --> 00:43:57,885
It's time for the Care Bear Stare!"
733
00:43:57,969 --> 00:43:59,303
Remember that shit?
734
00:44:02,515 --> 00:44:05,143
And them little teddy bears
would lock arms...
735
00:44:06,185 --> 00:44:08,896
and stare at the problem--
736
00:44:08,980 --> 00:44:11,440
and I'm not even bullshitting--
737
00:44:11,524 --> 00:44:15,153
actual love would shoot out
of their chests...
738
00:44:18,114 --> 00:44:21,534
and would dispel anything
that was fucked up.
739
00:44:22,827 --> 00:44:26,038
And when we grew up,
we wanted to be like those bears.
740
00:44:27,165 --> 00:44:28,708
And then we got our hearts broken,
741
00:44:28,791 --> 00:44:32,295
because we found out
that life wasn't gonna let us do that
742
00:44:32,378 --> 00:44:36,799
and that it's impossible
to shoot love out of your chest.
743
00:44:37,717 --> 00:44:42,096
However, I have shot love
onto somebody's chest before.
744
00:44:47,018 --> 00:44:50,771
I do it all the time.
It's the next best thing.
745
00:44:59,155 --> 00:45:00,448
You kids don't know.
746
00:45:01,741 --> 00:45:07,538
Your generation is just determined
to be angry, mad.
747
00:45:08,289 --> 00:45:09,707
Everybody's mad.
748
00:45:10,416 --> 00:45:12,543
Back when we were growing up,
only black people were mad.
749
00:45:12,627 --> 00:45:15,630
Now everybody's just trying
to get in on the act.
750
00:45:17,465 --> 00:45:19,884
I try to think to myself,
"When did everyone get mad?"
751
00:45:19,967 --> 00:45:22,637
And then I realize
this happened before we were born.
752
00:45:22,720 --> 00:45:24,430
This is a long way to go, but...
753
00:45:25,306 --> 00:45:28,684
it probably started
in the Second World War.
754
00:45:28,768 --> 00:45:30,102
Think about it.
755
00:45:30,186 --> 00:45:32,897
All these black men,
millions of black men,
756
00:45:32,980 --> 00:45:35,441
leave the United States
for the first time,
757
00:45:35,524 --> 00:45:38,277
go over to Europe
with America's Armed Forces
758
00:45:38,361 --> 00:45:42,365
and fight the Nazis
and make more money fighting Nazis
759
00:45:42,448 --> 00:45:44,742
than they ever dreamed they would make
in the United States.
760
00:45:44,825 --> 00:45:47,161
And a lot of those men,
while they were in Europe--
761
00:45:47,244 --> 00:45:50,706
just to be real, not to be crass--
762
00:45:50,790 --> 00:45:54,919
a lot of them probably got their dicks
sucked by white women.
763
00:45:55,878 --> 00:45:58,422
I'm sorry, ladies and gentlemen.
This was World War II Europe,
764
00:45:58,506 --> 00:46:00,216
and these were desperate times,
765
00:46:00,299 --> 00:46:03,177
and penises were being sucked
for shoelaces and chocolate
766
00:46:03,260 --> 00:46:04,637
and very frivolous things.
767
00:46:08,224 --> 00:46:11,143
And it's very hard to come back to America
and sit on the back of the bus
768
00:46:11,227 --> 00:46:12,728
after you've been in the South of France,
769
00:46:12,812 --> 00:46:15,773
getting your dick sucked for a Crunch bar
or some crazy shit like that.
770
00:46:19,402 --> 00:46:21,487
That's a life-changing experience.
771
00:46:24,824 --> 00:46:29,328
And while that was happening in Europe,
here in America, for the first time,
772
00:46:29,412 --> 00:46:33,833
women entered the workforce en masse,
by the millions.
773
00:46:33,916 --> 00:46:36,794
All the men were gone.
Someone had to run the factory.
774
00:46:36,877 --> 00:46:39,880
The ladies did it. That's right.
775
00:46:39,964 --> 00:46:42,216
This was the first generation
of American women
776
00:46:42,299 --> 00:46:45,136
to have independent income
en masse,
777
00:46:45,219 --> 00:46:47,972
and when the men came back,
the women weren't the same.
778
00:46:48,055 --> 00:46:49,432
American women had grown.
779
00:46:49,515 --> 00:46:53,269
They were uttering phrases that no woman
on Earth had ever spoken before,
780
00:46:53,352 --> 00:46:57,857
things like, "No" and "Shut the fuck up"
and "I don't feel like it."
781
00:47:04,655 --> 00:47:06,824
And then behind the scenes of that,
782
00:47:07,533 --> 00:47:09,618
there was a little-known government agency
783
00:47:09,702 --> 00:47:12,997
that started testing mind control drugs
on the American public.
784
00:47:13,080 --> 00:47:15,958
They fucked up.
They tested it for 12 years.
785
00:47:16,042 --> 00:47:18,794
They didn't realize these drugs
were not mind-controlling.
786
00:47:18,878 --> 00:47:20,463
They were mind-expanding.
787
00:47:20,546 --> 00:47:23,924
It was LSD and mescaline
and shit like that.
788
00:47:24,759 --> 00:47:27,261
And for the first time,
there was a new school of thought
789
00:47:27,344 --> 00:47:28,471
that was chemically induced
790
00:47:28,554 --> 00:47:31,891
that made people question
the very society they lived in.
791
00:47:31,974 --> 00:47:35,019
By 1960,
the President of the United States
792
00:47:35,102 --> 00:47:37,229
was only 42 years old.
793
00:47:37,313 --> 00:47:38,522
Can you imagine?
794
00:47:38,606 --> 00:47:40,274
DMX is older than that.
795
00:47:44,779 --> 00:47:47,198
And he was gonna usher in a new era
of peace.
796
00:47:47,281 --> 00:47:50,785
He was gonna avoid the Cold War.
He was gonna end segregation.
797
00:47:50,868 --> 00:47:54,997
And they blew his fucking brains out
in front of everyone in Dallas.
798
00:47:55,081 --> 00:47:57,458
This country was never the same.
799
00:47:57,541 --> 00:48:00,795
There were seven more major assassinations
in the '60s.
800
00:48:00,878 --> 00:48:02,880
Anyone that stood up and said anything
801
00:48:02,963 --> 00:48:05,841
was shot down in the streets
like a fucking dog.
802
00:48:05,925 --> 00:48:10,262
Kennedy, Kennedy, King, X, Evers,
on and on.
803
00:48:10,346 --> 00:48:11,931
You didn't even have to be famous.
804
00:48:12,014 --> 00:48:13,933
You could be a college student
at Kent State,
805
00:48:14,016 --> 00:48:16,102
or in Mississippi,
protesting the Vietnam War,
806
00:48:16,185 --> 00:48:17,812
and they shot them, too.
807
00:48:20,564 --> 00:48:22,983
The '70s were a wild era.
808
00:48:23,067 --> 00:48:25,778
And while all this was going on...
809
00:48:26,612 --> 00:48:29,865
Bill Cosby raped 54 people.
810
00:48:32,993 --> 00:48:36,038
Holy shit. That's a lot of rapes, man.
811
00:48:37,164 --> 00:48:39,291
This guy's putting up real numbers.
812
00:48:40,209 --> 00:48:42,086
He's like the Steph Curry of rape.
813
00:48:45,840 --> 00:48:48,467
Man, that's a lot of rapes. Fifty-four?
814
00:48:49,844 --> 00:48:51,846
If he had raped 30 less people...
815
00:48:53,264 --> 00:48:55,641
that's still two dozen rapes!
816
00:48:59,895 --> 00:49:03,524
Don't forget, each one of these rapes
has eight hours of sleep in it.
817
00:49:06,569 --> 00:49:10,239
Ladies and gentlemen,
that's over 400 hours of rape.
818
00:49:11,615 --> 00:49:14,285
It only takes 65 hours
to get a pilot's license.
819
00:49:18,289 --> 00:49:22,084
If rapes were aircrafts,
this nigga is Top Gun for sure.
820
00:49:28,591 --> 00:49:30,009
Yeah, that's a tough one.
821
00:49:31,177 --> 00:49:35,097
And I was onstage not too long ago.
I was in Syracuse, New York.
822
00:49:35,181 --> 00:49:36,182
[scattered applause]
823
00:49:36,265 --> 00:49:39,518
Yeah. Well, yeah, for Syracuse.
But the show didn't go so good...
824
00:49:40,686 --> 00:49:42,855
all because I was talking about Bill Cosby
a little bit.
825
00:49:42,938 --> 00:49:46,734
Not a little bit. I'll be honest.
I talked about him for like, 25 minutes.
826
00:49:49,278 --> 00:49:51,280
And a woman stood up
in the back of the room,
827
00:49:51,363 --> 00:49:54,783
and she screamed out,
"You are a fucking asshole
828
00:49:54,867 --> 00:49:57,077
for saying these things!"
829
00:49:57,870 --> 00:49:58,871
"I know."
830
00:50:00,664 --> 00:50:04,835
Instantly, I felt bad.
Not bad about what I was saying.
831
00:50:04,919 --> 00:50:08,047
I just felt bad like, "Oh, that's too bad
she doesn't like the show."
832
00:50:10,090 --> 00:50:13,594
I didn't realize it at first,
but not only did she say that,
833
00:50:14,345 --> 00:50:16,472
she was rushing the stage.
834
00:50:16,555 --> 00:50:19,225
By the time I saw her,
I just saw this shadowy figure
835
00:50:19,308 --> 00:50:23,103
fucking charging up the aisle towards me
in full fight mode.
836
00:50:23,187 --> 00:50:25,856
I was horrified. I said, "Oh, my God!
837
00:50:27,650 --> 00:50:29,568
I'm gonna kick this bitch in the face."
838
00:50:37,201 --> 00:50:40,996
Lucky for me, I didn't have to.
Security tackled her.
839
00:50:41,080 --> 00:50:43,290
But it was a really
fucking horrifying scene.
840
00:50:43,958 --> 00:50:47,086
A scuffle ensued. And then,
841
00:50:47,962 --> 00:50:50,381
finally, she screamed out to me,
842
00:50:50,464 --> 00:50:51,966
"Women suffer!"
843
00:50:52,049 --> 00:50:53,175
I said, "I know."
844
00:50:54,134 --> 00:50:57,429
And, ladies,
I need you to know... that I know.
845
00:50:58,806 --> 00:51:01,767
I need you to know. Seriously,
there's a lot of men in this room
846
00:51:01,850 --> 00:51:04,395
that identify themselves as feminists.
847
00:51:04,478 --> 00:51:06,146
I would include myself in that.
848
00:51:06,230 --> 00:51:10,109
Don't ever forget, we all have mothers
and daughters and sisters and wives,
849
00:51:10,192 --> 00:51:13,487
and we want to see
all these women do well
850
00:51:13,570 --> 00:51:16,115
and not be held back by their gender.
851
00:51:16,198 --> 00:51:17,950
There's a lot of men like that
in this room.
852
00:51:18,033 --> 00:51:19,368
There's a lot of men like that
in the world.
853
00:51:19,451 --> 00:51:23,205
Or as we are known on the streets,
bitch-ass niggas.
854
00:51:30,462 --> 00:51:32,631
But as this woman was wrestling
and screaming at me,
855
00:51:32,715 --> 00:51:35,759
I started to take offense.
And I'll be honest, race was involved.
856
00:51:35,843 --> 00:51:37,344
She was a young white woman.
857
00:51:37,428 --> 00:51:40,139
Well-intentioned, but just not thinking it
all the way through.
858
00:51:40,222 --> 00:51:45,728
"Bitch, how the fuck are you going to yell
at a black man about discrimination?"
859
00:51:46,562 --> 00:51:49,690
She didn't get it. She just kept going.
"Women suffer!"
860
00:51:49,773 --> 00:51:50,774
"I know."
861
00:51:50,858 --> 00:51:53,068
"Women suffer!" "Same team."
862
00:51:53,152 --> 00:51:55,779
"Women suffer!" "I know."
863
00:51:56,405 --> 00:51:58,991
And this is when she went too far:
"We suffer just like you."
864
00:51:59,074 --> 00:52:00,534
"Slow your roll, bitch.
865
00:52:05,080 --> 00:52:08,959
You suffer, yes, but not like me.
Not like us."
866
00:52:09,043 --> 00:52:11,628
She goes, "Suffering is suffering.
What's the difference?"
867
00:52:11,712 --> 00:52:13,672
I said, "Come on, white woman,
you know what it is.
868
00:52:14,631 --> 00:52:17,343
You was in on the heist.
You just don't like your cut."
869
00:52:20,346 --> 00:52:22,431
You suffer, I suffer.
870
00:52:23,098 --> 00:52:26,393
You suffer, I suffer. That's how it works.
871
00:52:27,353 --> 00:52:29,355
Can't do comparative suffering.
872
00:52:29,438 --> 00:52:32,649
If you're hungry, and your friend says,
"You know, people are starving in Africa,"
873
00:52:32,733 --> 00:52:34,860
"So what, nigga? I still want lunch."
874
00:52:41,492 --> 00:52:43,827
Black people know
about comparative suffering,
875
00:52:43,911 --> 00:52:45,746
and you know that
it's a fucking dead-end game.
876
00:52:45,829 --> 00:52:48,165
Blacks and Jews do that shit to each other
all the time.
877
00:52:48,248 --> 00:52:50,793
You ever played Who Suffered More
with a Jewish person?
878
00:52:54,129 --> 00:52:55,464
It's a tough game.
879
00:52:57,174 --> 00:52:58,842
Whenever you think you've got
the Jewish guy on the ropes,
880
00:52:58,926 --> 00:53:00,928
that motherfucker will be like,
"Well, don't forget about Egypt."
881
00:53:01,011 --> 00:53:05,891
"Egypt?! God damn, nigga, I didn't know
we was going all the way back to Egypt."
882
00:53:11,772 --> 00:53:13,565
What the fuck is wrong with her?
What does she think?
883
00:53:13,649 --> 00:53:17,694
Does she think that I don't know
that rape is wrong?
884
00:53:17,778 --> 00:53:19,738
Does she think that maybe
I don't have empathy
885
00:53:19,822 --> 00:53:22,366
for Bill Cosby's alleged victims?
886
00:53:22,449 --> 00:53:25,285
And I would be remiss
if I didn't remind you
887
00:53:25,369 --> 00:53:28,288
that technically these are all
still allegations.
888
00:53:28,372 --> 00:53:31,208
Although, I admit it looks very bad.
889
00:53:37,047 --> 00:53:39,800
Perhaps if she looked at it correctly,
890
00:53:39,883 --> 00:53:43,262
she would have empathy for me,
the man she was attacking,
891
00:53:44,179 --> 00:53:46,056
a 42-year-old black comedian.
892
00:53:46,140 --> 00:53:48,976
Obviously, Bill Cosby was a hero to me.
893
00:53:49,935 --> 00:53:51,728
And she doesn't know what it feels like
894
00:53:51,812 --> 00:53:55,566
to think that your hero
might've done something so heinous,
895
00:53:55,649 --> 00:53:57,401
my God, you can't imagine.
896
00:53:57,484 --> 00:54:01,613
It'd be as if you heard
that chocolate ice cream itself...
897
00:54:02,990 --> 00:54:05,159
had raped 54 people.
898
00:54:10,247 --> 00:54:14,501
You'd say to yourself,
"Oh, man, but I like chocolate ice cream.
899
00:54:15,252 --> 00:54:17,045
I don't want it to rape."
900
00:54:21,425 --> 00:54:24,178
Didn't want to believe it.
At first, I didn't believe it.
901
00:54:24,261 --> 00:54:29,266
I said, "These people are obviously trying
to destroy Dr. Cosby's rich legacy."
902
00:54:30,058 --> 00:54:34,062
Even 34 allegations into it,
I was still like, "Man...
903
00:54:36,064 --> 00:54:38,609
he probably only raped ten or 11
of those people."
904
00:54:42,863 --> 00:54:46,241
I know, I know. But it's really tough.
You guys are young.
905
00:54:46,325 --> 00:54:50,329
Imagine if you found out 40 years from now
that Kevin Hart raped 54 people.
906
00:54:50,412 --> 00:54:52,164
You'd be like, "Oh, my God."
907
00:54:52,247 --> 00:54:54,500
The only one that would believe that
would be Katt Williams.
908
00:54:54,583 --> 00:54:57,628
He'd be like, "I knew that motherfucker
was up to something!
909
00:55:01,381 --> 00:55:03,091
I knew Kevin had raped those people."
910
00:55:07,221 --> 00:55:09,848
You know,
I was mad at Kevin, too, though.
911
00:55:11,266 --> 00:55:13,310
You know why? Okay, first of all,
912
00:55:13,393 --> 00:55:15,979
I didn't even know
Kevin was as successful as he was.
913
00:55:18,649 --> 00:55:20,734
I found that shit out the hard way.
914
00:55:21,527 --> 00:55:26,240
I was at home when my son busted in.
He said, "Dad, I need $250."
915
00:55:26,323 --> 00:55:28,158
He's only 12 years old, so I freaked out.
916
00:55:28,242 --> 00:55:30,494
"What's going on, nigga?
Is somebody trying to kill you?"
917
00:55:36,083 --> 00:55:38,043
He said, "No, no.
918
00:55:38,126 --> 00:55:40,712
Kevin Hart's coming to town,
and I wanted to see his show."
919
00:55:40,796 --> 00:55:43,924
I said, "How much are the tickets?"
He said, "They're $125."
920
00:55:44,007 --> 00:55:46,385
I said, "God damn! Mine are only 80."
921
00:55:49,429 --> 00:55:51,348
I said, "Why do you need $250, then?"
922
00:55:51,431 --> 00:55:55,310
He goes, "Because I want to go
with you, Dad. Please?
923
00:55:56,395 --> 00:55:57,563
And there it is.
924
00:55:58,689 --> 00:56:00,399
So, I took him to the show.
925
00:56:00,482 --> 00:56:02,401
And we go, we sit right up front.
926
00:56:02,484 --> 00:56:06,363
The lights go down, and one opening act
after another goes on.
927
00:56:06,446 --> 00:56:10,492
Then Kevin takes the stage.
The crowd goes fucking nuts.
928
00:56:10,576 --> 00:56:13,787
Thousands of people. I was furious.
929
00:56:22,129 --> 00:56:24,590
The longer the show went on,
the madder I got.
930
00:56:25,757 --> 00:56:28,385
Because his show was fucking outstanding.
931
00:56:28,468 --> 00:56:30,762
It was maddening. These people
were fucking holding their stomachs.
932
00:56:30,846 --> 00:56:32,264
My son was slapping his knee.
933
00:56:32,347 --> 00:56:33,557
[laughing]
934
00:56:33,640 --> 00:56:36,643
I'm like, "Damn, nigga, I do this, too."
935
00:56:41,898 --> 00:56:44,651
Kevin says, "Good night."
The crowd goes crazy.
936
00:56:44,735 --> 00:56:48,238
And then everyone starts walking
to his door, and the lights come on,
937
00:56:48,947 --> 00:56:52,409
and then my son is just standing there,
looking at an empty stage.
938
00:56:52,492 --> 00:56:55,329
People are pushing past me,
and nobody's recognizing me.
939
00:56:55,412 --> 00:56:57,122
I'm like,
"Man, this place fucking sucks!"
940
00:56:58,624 --> 00:57:00,375
I said, "Come on, son,
let's get out of here."
941
00:57:02,085 --> 00:57:04,796
Then my son looks back at me and says,
"Dad, please.
942
00:57:04,880 --> 00:57:06,340
Please, I have to meet him."
943
00:57:06,423 --> 00:57:08,175
I was like, "Oh, my God."
944
00:57:09,926 --> 00:57:12,846
So, I took him backstage.
I've known Kevin for years,
945
00:57:12,929 --> 00:57:16,516
but can you believe I was scared
to knock on his dressing room door?
946
00:57:16,600 --> 00:57:18,185
I almost said...
947
00:57:19,811 --> 00:57:22,022
"Son, I haven't seen him for a long time."
948
00:57:26,443 --> 00:57:28,737
And one of Kevin's goons opened the door.
949
00:57:29,821 --> 00:57:31,323
"Hey, what's up, Dave Chappelle?
950
00:57:31,406 --> 00:57:33,325
What are you doing, man?
It's good to see you, brother.
951
00:57:33,408 --> 00:57:35,786
What are you doing in this area?
This is a terrible area."
952
00:57:35,869 --> 00:57:38,246
I'm like, "Actually, I live around here.
Listen...
953
00:57:42,668 --> 00:57:44,920
is Kevin here?
954
00:57:45,587 --> 00:57:47,798
My son just wanted
to meet him real quick."
955
00:57:47,881 --> 00:57:49,883
"I don't know,
'cause Kevin's about to eat dinner."
956
00:57:49,967 --> 00:57:52,260
Just then, Kevin came around the corner
to see who it was.
957
00:57:52,344 --> 00:57:55,347
"What? Oh, shit! What's up, Dave?
Come on back.
958
00:57:55,430 --> 00:57:57,849
I was just about to have dinner.
I don't know if you guys ate,
959
00:57:57,933 --> 00:57:59,726
but you're welcome to join me
if you'd like."
960
00:57:59,810 --> 00:58:01,770
And then my son pushed passed me.
It was some cold shit.
961
00:58:01,853 --> 00:58:06,483
He goes, "Actually, Mr. Hart,
we haven't eaten in several hours."
962
00:58:12,948 --> 00:58:17,369
Man, Kevin took us into his back room.
This guy had a fucking spread.
963
00:58:17,452 --> 00:58:20,414
It was Tuesday night. This motherfucker
was having Sunday dinner.
964
00:58:20,497 --> 00:58:23,667
There were steaks, chops,
corn with butter all over it.
965
00:58:23,750 --> 00:58:25,961
My son was eating all fast,
embarrassing me.
966
00:58:26,044 --> 00:58:27,421
I was like, "Slow down, son."
He was like...
967
00:58:27,504 --> 00:58:28,588
[chomping]
968
00:58:39,224 --> 00:58:42,853
Then I looked over in the corner,
and there was a box
969
00:58:43,687 --> 00:58:46,440
of custom-made jerseys
for the local team.
970
00:58:46,523 --> 00:58:48,066
Each one was hand-stitched,
971
00:58:48,150 --> 00:58:53,280
and on the back,
they stitched on "K-Hart" on all of them.
972
00:58:53,363 --> 00:58:55,365
Kevin saw me staring at that box,
973
00:58:56,199 --> 00:58:58,452
and he went over
and grabbed one of them jerseys,
974
00:58:59,077 --> 00:59:01,329
and he walked right to my son.
975
00:59:01,955 --> 00:59:05,584
He said, "Hey, little man.
I want you to have this."
976
00:59:05,667 --> 00:59:08,253
And my son was like, "Thanks, Mr. Hart."
This is when I got mad.
977
00:59:08,336 --> 00:59:10,380
He goes,
"If your father ever makes you mad,
978
00:59:10,464 --> 00:59:11,840
put that on."
And he walked out.
979
00:59:17,971 --> 00:59:19,723
Oh, that was some cold shit.
980
00:59:23,226 --> 00:59:25,729
Then I realized--
I looked up what Kevin made on Google.
981
00:59:25,812 --> 00:59:27,314
I couldn't believe that shit.
982
00:59:27,397 --> 00:59:30,734
Kevin is the first comedian
that a Drake song could be about.
983
00:59:32,569 --> 00:59:35,322
Kevin could walk around his house
and sing "All Me,"
984
00:59:35,405 --> 00:59:37,074
and the whole song would still be true.
985
00:59:37,991 --> 00:59:40,952
"♪ Got everything, I got everything ♪
986
00:59:41,828 --> 00:59:44,206
♪ I cannot complain, I cannot ♪
987
00:59:44,289 --> 00:59:47,334
♪ I don't even knowHow much I really made ♪
988
00:59:47,417 --> 00:59:49,419
♪ I forgot, it's a lot ♪
989
00:59:49,503 --> 00:59:51,338
♪ Fuck that, never mind what I got ♪"
990
00:59:51,421 --> 00:59:52,964
And his wife will be like,
"Kevin, come to bed!"
991
00:59:53,048 --> 00:59:55,467
He'll be like...
"♪ Ho, shut the fuck up ♪
992
00:59:55,550 --> 00:59:56,635
♪ I got way too much-- ♪"
993
01:00:02,224 --> 01:00:05,977
You know how much money you have to have
to tell a girl to shut the fuck up?
994
01:00:08,897 --> 01:00:11,775
I have "Quiet, please" money at best.
995
01:00:14,736 --> 01:00:17,280
I'd have to take a loan out
for "Shut the fuck up."
996
01:00:18,657 --> 01:00:20,867
"Shut the fuck up--"
That's Jay Z money.
997
01:00:21,910 --> 01:00:25,080
And Beyoncé got
"No, you shut the fuck up" money.
998
01:00:34,089 --> 01:00:36,508
Let's not forget. Let's not forget.
999
01:00:36,591 --> 01:00:39,636
I've never met Bill Cosby,
so I'm not defending him.
1000
01:00:39,719 --> 01:00:42,639
Let's just remember
that he has a valuable legacy
1001
01:00:42,722 --> 01:00:44,850
that I can't just throw away.
1002
01:00:44,933 --> 01:00:48,603
I remember that he's the first black man
to ever win an Emmy in television.
1003
01:00:48,687 --> 01:00:52,399
I also remember that he's the first guy
to make a cartoon with black characters
1004
01:00:52,482 --> 01:00:55,152
where their lips and noses
were drawn proportionately.
1005
01:00:56,862 --> 01:00:59,072
I remember that he had a television show
1006
01:00:59,156 --> 01:01:02,826
that got numbers equivalent
to the Super Bowl every Thursday night.
1007
01:01:02,909 --> 01:01:07,289
And I remember that he partnered up
with a clinical psychologist to make sure
1008
01:01:07,372 --> 01:01:12,335
that there was not one negative image
of African-Americans on his show.
1009
01:01:12,419 --> 01:01:14,713
I'm telling you, that's no small thing.
1010
01:01:15,547 --> 01:01:19,759
I've had a television show.
I wouldn't have done that shit.
1011
01:01:21,720 --> 01:01:23,346
He gave tens of millions of dollars
1012
01:01:23,430 --> 01:01:25,682
to African-American institutions
of higher learning,
1013
01:01:25,765 --> 01:01:29,227
and is directly responsible for thousands
of black kids going to college.
1014
01:01:29,311 --> 01:01:31,021
Not just the ones he raped.
1015
01:01:38,111 --> 01:01:39,905
Here comes the kicker. You ready?
1016
01:01:40,572 --> 01:01:42,908
Here's the fact that I heard,
but haven't confirmed.
1017
01:01:42,991 --> 01:01:46,995
I heard that when Martin Luther King stood
on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial
1018
01:01:47,078 --> 01:01:48,330
and said he had a dream,
1019
01:01:48,413 --> 01:01:53,835
he was speaking into a PA system
that Bill Cosby paid for.
1020
01:01:53,919 --> 01:01:56,880
So, you understand what I'm saying?
The point is this:
1021
01:01:56,963 --> 01:01:59,841
He rapes, but he saves.
1022
01:01:59,925 --> 01:02:02,677
And he saves more than he rapes.
1023
01:02:02,761 --> 01:02:04,846
But he probably does rape.
1024
01:02:04,930 --> 01:02:07,265
Thank you very much! Good night!
1025
01:02:08,183 --> 01:02:09,976
[music playing]
1026
01:02:10,060 --> 01:02:12,354
♪ Ah-ah, ah-ah ♪
1027
01:02:13,480 --> 01:02:14,981
♪ In every ghetto ♪
1028
01:02:15,065 --> 01:02:18,944
♪ Ah-ah, ah-ah, ah-ah ♪
1029
01:02:19,694 --> 01:02:20,820
♪ In every ghetto ♪
1030
01:02:20,904 --> 01:02:25,116
♪ Ah-ah, ah-ah, ah-ah ♪
1031
01:02:25,951 --> 01:02:27,244
♪ In every ghetto ♪
1032
01:02:27,327 --> 01:02:30,956
♪ Ah-ah, ah-ah, ah-ah ♪
1033
01:02:31,957 --> 01:02:33,541
♪ In every ghetto ♪
1034
01:02:35,043 --> 01:02:38,463
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!
1035
01:02:38,546 --> 01:02:43,176
I forgot.
The fourth time I met OJ Simpson.
1036
01:02:48,098 --> 01:02:50,267
The fourth time is not the funniest time,
1037
01:02:50,350 --> 01:02:52,727
but it was the last time
I'd see the Juice.
1038
01:02:53,436 --> 01:02:56,273
For some reason,
I was at the Kentucky Derby.
1039
01:02:56,356 --> 01:02:57,774
It's a very long story.
1040
01:02:59,192 --> 01:03:01,736
This is right after I quit
Chappelle's Show
1041
01:03:02,362 --> 01:03:03,947
in spectacular fashion.
1042
01:03:07,075 --> 01:03:08,910
There was a party hosted
by Michael Jordan,
1043
01:03:08,994 --> 01:03:14,040
and every athlete I've ever admired was
in that room.
1044
01:03:15,166 --> 01:03:16,251
Yes.
1045
01:03:17,627 --> 01:03:22,090
And then I saw a familiar face by the bar,
standing there, drinking alone.
1046
01:03:22,173 --> 01:03:24,301
It was Chris Tucker. Now...
1047
01:03:26,344 --> 01:03:31,057
you have to remember, at this time,
we were both technically missing.
1048
01:03:34,352 --> 01:03:36,479
And we went over,
and we're talking with one another,
1049
01:03:36,563 --> 01:03:38,732
and motherfuckers were amazed
to see us together.
1050
01:03:38,815 --> 01:03:40,400
Seeing me and Chris Tucker at that point
1051
01:03:40,483 --> 01:03:43,111
would be like seeing Bigfoot
riding a unicorn.
1052
01:03:44,029 --> 01:03:46,323
You wouldn't believe
that's what you were seeing.
1053
01:03:48,199 --> 01:03:53,038
And then, through all the gawkers,
a familiar face pushed through the crowd.
1054
01:03:53,121 --> 01:03:54,289
Here he was again.
1055
01:03:55,332 --> 01:03:56,541
The Juice.
1056
01:03:58,126 --> 01:04:00,879
He had his camera ready.
He was like, "Dave, Chris.
1057
01:04:00,962 --> 01:04:02,505
Good to see you guys.
1058
01:04:02,589 --> 01:04:05,175
Hey, come on, guys.
Let's all get together for a picture."
1059
01:04:05,258 --> 01:04:08,470
And at the same time,
me and Chris were like, "No.
1060
01:04:09,471 --> 01:04:10,513
I can't do that.
1061
01:04:13,516 --> 01:04:17,145
Sorry, Juice, my career is too flimsy
to survive a picture with you."
1062
01:04:19,564 --> 01:04:21,107
That's the end. Good night.
1063
01:04:21,191 --> 01:04:22,192
[music playing]
1064
01:04:22,275 --> 01:04:25,236
♪ Ah-ah, ah-ah ♪
1065
01:04:25,320 --> 01:04:26,946
♪ In every ghetto ♪
1066
01:04:27,030 --> 01:04:28,239
♪ Ah-ah ♪
1067
01:04:31,576 --> 01:04:33,203
♪ Revolution ♪
1068
01:04:33,286 --> 01:04:37,332
♪ Ah-ah, ah-ah, ah-ah ♪
1069
01:04:37,415 --> 01:04:39,000
♪ In every ghetto... ♪
1070
01:04:43,755 --> 01:04:46,800
One last thing. Before you go,
1071
01:04:47,592 --> 01:04:50,428
I just wanted to acknowledge
for the real comedy fans.
1072
01:04:50,512 --> 01:04:51,846
We can't not acknowledge it.
1073
01:04:51,930 --> 01:04:55,141
We lost a fucking juggernaut
in comedy this week.
1074
01:04:55,225 --> 01:04:58,520
So, I'm just shouting out the family
and friends of Garry Shandling.
1075
01:04:58,603 --> 01:05:02,774
Much love to you guys.
My sincerest condolences.
1076
01:05:02,857 --> 01:05:05,485
And for the hip-hop fans
in the building...
1077
01:05:07,153 --> 01:05:10,365
put two fingers up in the air
for A Tribe Called Quest
1078
01:05:10,448 --> 01:05:11,908
and my man Phife Dawg.
1079
01:05:11,991 --> 01:05:14,244
May he rest in peace forever and ever.
1080
01:05:14,327 --> 01:05:15,995
Thank you for that beautiful music.
1081
01:05:16,079 --> 01:05:17,580
Good night, everybody. Thank you.
1082
01:05:21,751 --> 01:05:26,339
[man] Twos up! Twos up!
Hands up, hands up! Twos up!
1083
01:05:26,423 --> 01:05:29,801
We're gonna do this for Phife!
I need everybody to rap with me right now!
1084
01:05:29,884 --> 01:05:31,302
♪ Can I kick it? ♪
1085
01:05:31,386 --> 01:05:32,429
♪ Yes, you can ♪
1086
01:05:32,512 --> 01:05:33,763
♪ Can I kick it? ♪
1087
01:05:33,847 --> 01:05:34,889
♪ Yes, you can ♪
1088
01:05:34,973 --> 01:05:36,182
♪ Can I kick it? ♪
1089
01:05:36,266 --> 01:05:37,350
♪ Yes, you can ♪
1090
01:05:37,434 --> 01:05:38,726
♪ Well, I'm gone ♪
1091
01:05:38,810 --> 01:05:39,894
♪ Go on, then ♪
1092
01:05:39,978 --> 01:05:43,273
♪ Can I kick it?To my Tribe that flows in layers ♪
1093
01:05:43,356 --> 01:05:45,733
♪ Right now, Phife is a poem sayer ♪
1094
01:05:45,817 --> 01:05:48,236
♪ At times, I'm a studio conveyor ♪
1095
01:05:48,319 --> 01:05:50,697
♪ Mr. DinkinsWould you please be my mayor? ♪
1096
01:05:50,780 --> 01:05:53,199
♪ You'll be doing us a really big favor ♪
1097
01:05:53,283 --> 01:05:55,660
♪ Boy, this track really has a lotOf flavor ♪
1098
01:05:55,743 --> 01:05:58,163
♪ When it comes to rhythmsQuest is your savior ♪
1099
01:05:58,246 --> 01:06:00,623
♪ Follow us for the funky behavior ♪
1100
01:06:00,707 --> 01:06:03,126
♪ Make a noteOn the rhythm we gave ya ♪
1101
01:06:03,209 --> 01:06:05,628
♪ Feel free, drop your pantsCheck your hair ♪
1102
01:06:05,712 --> 01:06:08,089
♪ Do you like the garmentsThat we wear? ♪
1103
01:06:08,173 --> 01:06:10,592
♪ I instruct you to be the obeyer ♪
1104
01:06:10,675 --> 01:06:13,052
♪ A rhythm recipe that you'll savor ♪
1105
01:06:13,136 --> 01:06:15,555
♪ Doesn't matter if you're minorOr major ♪
1106
01:06:15,638 --> 01:06:17,974
♪ Yes, the Tribe of the gameWe're the player ♪
1107
01:06:18,057 --> 01:06:20,477
♪ As you inhaleLike a breath of fresh air ♪
1108
01:07:08,483 --> 01:07:09,776
[man] I'm rich, biatch!
1109
01:07:09,859 --> 01:07:10,860
[horn honks]
88414
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