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Of all the creatures in the universe....

none possess the mating ritual as complex, as perverse...

as tragically beautiful as the earthbound human.

More passionate than the Orktamus of Centali Five...

more neurotic than the Sleekanda of Sleewa...

it is a wonder that these furry creatures...

have not gone extinct millennia ago.

But in spite of their self-inflicted paradox...

their numbers grow at a rapid pace...

over-consuming their tiny planet.

It is from these creatures that we have acquired the universal expression...

"fuck like people. "

The young male begins his sojourn along with others of his pack.

Their bellies are full from a hearty meal of plant and roasted animal flesh.

The male hides his nervousness from the rest of the pack.

He has tried this a great many times before with limited success.

His cerebral cortex pounds with anxiety...

his loins, with hyperactive semen.

The male gives the Great Warrior sheaths of thin, green tree bark...

hoping that the color will satisfy the Great Warrior...

and he will allow the male to enter.

The Great Warrior is pleased.

He places a symbol of ink upon the male's hand--

proof to the world that the male is ready to mate.

His new surroundings are pleasing to him, familiar.

He has been to sacred meeting grounds such as this before.

He makes his way to the long, elevated surface...

where he will consume small amounts of fermented grain...

in the hopes that it will make him more appealing to a potential mate.

In fact, it has the opposite effect.

The fermented grain makes all females more appealing to him.

Well, almost all.

This one, he feels, lacks the correct genetic stock for motherhood.

This one would make a better father than mother.

The male would be redundant.

This one is clearly reserved for wealthy tribal chieftains.

To prepare for mating, she sways her hips and flails her behind...

in an attempt to dislodge her egg from her uterus.

The male exhales sadly. He knows his place in the pack.

The female feels the male's gaze upon her...

and marks him as a potential father of her future cubs.

Her ovulation complete...

the female ceases her gyrations and returns to her pack.

It is the male's opportunity.

Like all creatures of the universe...

the male and female begin by examining each other.

Tentatively...

carefully...

not willing to reveal too much...

or commit too far.

The female bares her teeth to show she wants to mate with him.

The male mimics this gesture...

to show that he, too, would like to mate right now.

Encouraged, the male attempts the next step.

It is a long walk for him.

He must make the perfect greeting if he wishes to be fruitful.

If you're not a professional dancer, you should be.

What?

If you're not a professional dancer, you should be!

What?

- I think you're a great dancer! - What?

But his introduction was flawed.

There will be no fruit for the male this evening.

The female, for her part...

uses her time in the sacred meeting ground...

fending off the advances of all but the right males.

- This one lacks intellect. - Bye.

This one lacks a warrior's spirit.

He would be devoured on the first hunt, she feels...

Leaving her to raise her cubs by herself.

Nice meeting you. Bye.

- You're very sweet. Thanks. Bye. - This one just smells funny.

But like the childhood story of Goldilocks and the three--

- Hey. Remember me? - this one is just right.

Look, I'm sorry. I just wanted to say you're a good dancer.

I wasn't being crude. I'm just a bad mime.

A guy apologizing.

Now that's the way to start a relationship.

Jenny Smith.

The male and female rub their paws together.

The female studies the male...

as he, in turn, studies her.

- Channel. - Shampoo.

Well, it's nice. It suits you.

- Brut. - Channel.

Do you often wear women's perfume?

Yeah. It's my way of showing how I understand women.

I'm going for that sensitive, '80s-guy kind of thing.

- Does it work? - No. Not since the '80s.

But, oh, man, in kindergarten I was hot stuff.

The female exhales rapidly...

to show that her lungs are strong and she can bear many children.

The male exhales rapidly as well...

to show that he has endurance and can impregnate her many times over.

She lets him know that she is pleased...

for that is what she is looking for in a mate.

He is pleased because all his blood has rushed to his loins...

- and he doesn't know any better. - Look, I want to keep talking to you...

but I, you know, I was on my way to use the facilities.

All right. Have a nice life.

Wait. I'm just going to the bathroom.

Yeah, right. Like I haven't used that one a gazillion times.

Come on. You think that I'm blowing you off? Are you nuts?

That's a really nice way of putting it, but still--

Okay, I'll tell you what. I'll hold it in.

- Really? -Yeah.

That's so sweet.

- You're screwing with me, right? - Yeah.

Okay.

The female is pleased.

The young male has great potential for fatherhood, she feels.

He'll provide well for her cubs...

and stick around long after she is fat and bloated.

She consumes fermented grain to celebrate her good fortune.

- See? I came back. - Groovy. Let's dance.

Oh. I don't know if that's such a good idea.

- You don't dance? - No, I do, but like a white guy.

I don't know if you're impressed enough with me yet.

Risk it.

Okay. Just remember I would've held it in for you.

And so the male and female see their way through the intricate dance...

of the mating ritual.

Both sides must play their roles perfectly...

confronting an infinite barrage of obstacles...

necessitating the involvement of countless other humans...

in order for the species to reproduce.

We don't know if they will succeed.

And if they don't, we will film another couple who does.

- Hey, you want to get some coffee? - I have to get up early tomorrow.

- Sorry. -Jenny! There you are.

- We've been looking for you. - Guys, this is Billy.

Billy, these are my two best friends, Lydia and Lana.

- Hi. - Lydia? Hi. Lana, right?

- It's the other way around. - I meant it the other way around.

The female shows the male to her pack...

but the male is not interested in the female's pack.

He wants to be with the female alone.

There is still something he must get from her--

something without which the mating ritual will come to an end.

Panic sets in.

It is difficult to achieve with the female's pack present...

but he must ask for it in order for the species to go on.

Can I get your number?

I was wondering when you were gonna ask.

- He's cute. - Yeah, he is cute.

Shut up. Turn around.

The female scratches numerical symbols onto a white sheath of tree bark..

hoping the design will please the male.

- Great. - The male is pleased by the design.

To him, it is the prettiest of all pictures.

I'll call you in--

- I n a while? - Yeah. I'll call you in a while.

Great. Yeah, I'll call you in a while.

In a while.

Sorry.

Tell you what. Hmm?

- Bye. - Bye.

- Bye. Nice meeting you. - Yeah. You too. So long.

The male is happy with his new mate.

It has been a goodnight at the sacred meeting ground.

The humans of this hemisphere of the planet...

spend most of their time at play, in tall, steel huts of their own making.

The male busies himself with numerical symbols...

and electronically enhanced intelligence to create a picture...

pleasing to those superior to him in the pack.

This game he calls "accounting. "

He plays with a toy named after one of the small rodents of his planet.

He presses his fingers against the rodent's buttocks...

and gently taps upon its cheeks.

Still, he prefers the female of his own species.

The male is not pleased with his picture.

He finds the female's picture much prettier.

He wants to know how she can make such a pretty picture.

Hi. This is Bill Waterson.

Oh, yes, Mr. Greenwood.

Well, we'd love to help you, but...

gosh, I tell you, we're really booked solid.

Let me see if there's any openings here.

Boy, we're just-- we're just swamped here.

Oh! Here's a cancellation at--

How's Thursday at 3:00?

Or now. Yeah. We could do now.

Now is fine. Yeah, great. We'll see you.

- We got a client? - Looks that way.

- Torrance referred us. - Torrance is a deadbeat.

Yeah, but he's our deadbeat. We got three clients.

- I think we ought to embrace him. - All right.

- What are you doing? - Nothing.

- You're going to call her, aren't you? - No.

- Tell the truth. - Okay. You're developing...

a serious body odor problem, but I don't think that's relevant.

You just met her last night. If you call her now, you'll scare her off.

- Come on. I don't play those games. - Don't do it, man.

- She'll think you want her. - I do want her.

I know, but if she thinks that, she'll find somebody else.

Someone who doesn't want her?

- Someone cool. - Oh, but I'm not cool.

Exactly. That's why you got to wait a few days before you call her.

And when you do ask her out, act like you're doing her a favor, you know?

Like you don't give a damn if she says yes or no...

'cause you got all these other chickadees waiting for you.

- And that'll impress her? - Right into the sack.

Please do not adjust your universal translator.

We are not experiencing technical difficulties.

This is a human thing. It makes no sense to us either.

Heed my words, Grasshopper.

Be patient. Be a champion.

You know, Jimmy, it occurs to me...

that I haven't seen you with a woman in about three years.

Right. That's because I always phone them the very next morning.

The great hunting and gathering ground.

Check this out.

The female finds an animal skin To shelter her from the cold.

- Way too obvious. - Yeah.

The pack feels it will not keep her warm enough in the harsh winters.

The female's task in this initial part Of the mating dance...

is to wait for the male to contact her.

This causes some anxiety, but she is confident in the wisdom of nature.

- What do you see in him, anyway? - He seems like a nice guy.

He's an accountant, for God's sake.

Yeah, he's cute, but what are you gonna do with an accountant?

I think you should call Mike and beg him to take you back.

Yeah, Mike was gorgeous.

- And I'm not telling you again. - There's sure no denying that.

And before him, remember Ed? No one was cooler than Ed.

I don't need cool.

And Robert was like the smartest guy I'd ever met.

But he'd humiliate me every chance he got. There's got to be better.

I think it's time for a nice guy.

The male's sleeping hut.

Fuck! Fuck!

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

The male is now ready to mate.

Fuck. How could I lose her number?

Billy, look on the bright side, man.

If she was that fine, she probably Gave you a bogus number anyway.

- I'll help you find it. - The need for the female is harsh.

The male's body tenses with anxiety.

A bodily liquid called "sweat" is transferred through his pores.

A foam called "saliva" dribbles out of his mouth.

This condition will not pass until he has mated with his female.

The best-looking girl that ever talked to me, and I lose her number.

- I blew it. I'm an asshole. - All right, wait.

Let's just retrace your steps. Where was the last place you saw it?

- Work. - Right.

I was gonna call her, and you talked me out of it. I put it in my pocket.

- Did you check your suit? - It couldn't be in my suit.

My suit's been at the dry cleaners this whole time.

I just picked it up this morn-- Oh, shit.

The male searches through his animal skins.

Perhaps the female is inside.

Blinded by his need to procreate...

the male shows some lint to the other member of the pack.

"Is this the female I seek?" he asks.

Yep. You're an asshole.

"No, it is not, " responds the other.

The male finds solace in a bound collection...

of sheaths of white tree bark.

Perhaps he will find the female inside.

You're gonna call, like, every J. Smith in the entire phone book?

It's only, like, four or five pages.

Face it, Billy. You lost her.

The male will not forego the mating ritual.

The species must prevail.

It will be very difficult for him, but he will not give up.

For the human male is among the horniest Of creatures in the known universe.

- Hi. May I speak with Jenny Smith? - There's no Jenny Smith here.

- Is this "J. Smith"? - This is John Smith.

Oh, never mind.

Yeah, this might take a while.

The male uses a rudimentary communication device...

to seek his mate.

"Have you seen my female?" he asks everyone.

"She is mine. You cannot have her."

- Hi. May I speak to a Jenny Smith? - Yes, this is Jenny.

Oh, Jenny, great.

Did you meet a guy named Billy at Cachet the other night?

About five-ten, brown hair, nice smile?

Mmm. Do you like leather Or chains?

- What? - I'd love to meet you.

- Come on by. - Maybe another time.

Maybe another time.

- Hello. Is this Jenny Smith? - Yes, this is Jenny Smith.

Hi. Are you about five-five, 110 pounds...

brown hair, really nice boobs?

Hello?

Hello. Is Jenny Smith home, please?

I didn't think so.

Ring.

Ring now. Okay, in five seconds.

Four, three, two, one.

Ring. Okay, that was zero.

Ring now!

Ring!

- The female in heat. - This is ridiculous. Ridiculous!

Why would you even take my number If you're not gonna call me?

It's because I didn't put out, isn't it?

You saw me dance, and I was looking kind of hot...

and you just figured me for a quick, easy lay.

Well, I've got news For you, mister.

If you just want some cheap slut...

you've come to the wrong gal!

Ring!

I'm such a loser.

If he was gonna call, he would've called by now. Come with us.

I just want to give him a little bit longer.

Jen, it's been like five days already.

- He's just playing it cool. - Cool?

The man is a fucking accountant.

Could you show a little sensitivity? She liked the guy.

I just called him a fucking accountant. I didn't say he wasn't cute.

- He is cute, isn't he? - Yeah, he was. I'm sorry, Jen.

The female wonders How the others in the pack...

have so forgotten the mating ritual.

Perhaps they have never felt the thrill of mating...

and have not awoken these maternal instincts within themselves.

I 'm just gonna give him a little bit more time.

Okay, but if you change your mind, we'll be at the Dresden.

- Okay? So meet us there. - Okay.

- Good luck. - Bye.

The female grows anxious.

The male has not shown himself...

nor does it appear he will.

The female is ready to find a new candidate for mating.

Hey, guys, wait up!

Hi. This is Lana.

Jenny and I aren't here, so leave a message at the beep...

and we'll get back to you.

If this is a guy, Jenny maybe cuter, but I put out.

Hi. I'm calling for Jenny Smith. This is Billy.

We met at Cachet a few nights ago. You threw your drink at me...

- then gave me your number. - The male calls out for the female...

searching the ether for his true mate...

but she doesn't answer his cry.

All seems lost for the species.

... took my jacket to the cleaners, and you got shredded.

Anyway...

I've gone through the whole LA phone book trying to find you and--

Well, okay, not all of LA, just 21 3 and most of31 0.

God, I hope you don't live in the Valley.

I mean, okay, nothing against the Valley.

I just don't think I have the strength for 81 8.

So if this is you, give me a call at 555-7754.

I'd love to have dinner With you or something.

If it's not you...

Leave me alone.

- Is Jenny Smith there? - Hi. Is this Jenny Smith?

-I met a girl at a club the other night. -Thank you.

It was a dreary day For the male.

He listens to water beating against a ceramic wall.

It is a soothing sound for him, with a calming effect.

Hi. This is Jenny. I got your message. I knew you'd call.

- I told every one you'd call. - Yes!

I can't believe you went through two area codes just to find me.

I'm really, really flattered, or very, very afraid.

Anyway, I'd love to have dinner with you. Now that you have my number...

- you better use it. - Wait. That was a random shot.

- I'll be waiting by the phone. - No, leave it! Leave it!

The male weeps as the female's mating cry comes to an end.

Billy, this is your mother.

I haven't heard from you in almost a week.

I'm wondering If you're living or dead. Call me either way.

Hi. It's Jenny again, on the off chance...

you didn't keep track of which number was mine.

I know no one can be that dumb.

But just in case, it's 3 1 0-555-01 81.

- Now use it. - Yes!

But it is the second Of the female's mating cries...

that causes the male to go rabid.

Mating is imminent, and he knows it.

The female prepares carefully for her next encounter with the male.

She paints her face with berries and chemically processed colors...

hiding from the male her natural state--

which she hopes to show him at a later time.

She uses chemically altered forms of vegetation to cover parts of her body.

Then other forms of vegetation over those.

She leaves much of her body uncovered...

but is careful to cover the first layer of vegetation.

She puts the excretions of small, sea-dwelling creatures...

through holes in the lobes of her hearing organs...

which she had mutilated long ago...

as a symbol of her entry into womanhood.

She pulls a bone out of her skull.

She is ready.

The male has a much more arduous task.

He must appear strong to the female--

so strong that he doesn't care how he appears.

It is this appearance he must strive for.

He uses a hydrogen and oxygen mixture with some animal fat...

to remove the planet's nourishment from his body.

He debates over removing the fur from his face...

with an artificial tooth of steel.

He ponders this for a long time...

before deciding to keep the fur as a display of his masculinity...

then changes his mind again.

Meticulously, he combs his hair...

making certain that it appears uncombed.

He covers his body with the same vegetation as the female...

then his upper torso with the hair of one creature...

and that with the hide of another.

Now he is ready.

I shouldn't have shaved.

The male and the female feed on a meal...

of dead Earth creature and vegetation.

Both herbivore and carnivore...

the human is one of few animals in the universe...

that will eat just about anything.

I mean, come on now. "I n computers" could mean anything.

It doesn't matter.

All right, if you won't tell me what you do...

will you at least tell me why you won't tell me?

Because guys find it a turn off when girls...

babble on about themselves on the first date.

- Tell me about your accounting firm. - Oh, I can't.

Government work kind of stuff?

Girls find it a turnoff when guys babble on...

about themselves on a first date.

- We definitely have a problem. - Well, rules are rules.

When you think about it, it's amazing when people actually get together.

Is that really one of the guys' rules?

Well, not so much a rule as a guideline.

Good. 'Cause you're the first guy I ever met who follows it.

I like coming up here.

I like coming up here.

Even on a drab, smoggy night it's nice.

It's real quiet, you know?

- It's peaceful. - Yeah. It's a beautiful night tonight.

Guess we got lucky.

I guess we did.

Yeah, I guess we did.

The male and the female open their souls to each other...

sharing their pain and sadnesses...

each lessening the burden on their partner.

Many experts cite this as the most beautiful part...

of the human mating ritual--

other than the copulation.

My little brother was born blind...

so when I first got into computers...

he'd come hang out with me and ask me questions about it.

He was so into it.

It made me want to cry.

So, where I work now...

we're trying to create this special monitor for blind people.

But, I mean, we're years away from getting it--

if it's even possible.

You'll get it.

I worked my butt off to get through school.

I held every shitty job There was.

But I knew that if you're not a professional, then you're nothing.

So there I was, making a decent living at a big firm...

but...

I was still getting pushed around by assholes.

So one day, about seven, eight months ago...

my friend Jimmy and I decided to start our own firm.

We pooled everything we had. We moved in together to save on rent.

We got a "fancy-schmancy" office in Century City...

and Waterson-Connors was born.

That took a lot of guts.

It's horrible.

If we don't get any more clients soon, we're gonna have to go crawling back.

That'll take a lot of guts too.

Whoa.

So, what are your parents like?

My parents? Oh, they're great.

That's one place where I got real lucky.

You know, typical Leave It to Beaver kind of deal.

Just thinking about them makes me happy.

What the hell you doin' inside? It's a beautiful day!

My father was A soft-spoken man.

And look at this room! It's spotless!

What kind of kid Are you, anyway?

- But he always had a kind word for me. - Be a kid, goddamn it!

- Have some fun! - Always urging me to enjoy life.

Like that!

And he taught me the things he knew most about--real man stuff.

But still, he was never afraid to get a little mushy.

And I love you.

It was a magical time for me.

And my mother? Mom was the queen of style and fashion.

Was your father in here?

Well, don't worry about him.

But she always had that mother smell, you know?

Chicken soup and floor wax.

You're Mama's good little boy.

Mama loves you.

Yes, she does.

Mommy loves you...

loves you, loves you.

She loves you.

Dad!

Yeah, I was real lucky.

The male's task...

is to determine if the female is ready.

Moving too soon or too late May result in disaster.

But the human female emits no odor to let him know.

- What? - Oh--

What were your parents like?

They're great.

The female is ready.

But she must wait for the male to figure this out on his own.

She can emit no odor to help him.

In fact, to do so would be disastrous.

They move toward each other--

slowly, cautiously.

The future of their species dependent on the next few seconds.

- The male wonders how he can... - Are you okay?

- make her think he did this on purpose. - Yeah.

Is it too late to point out how romantic the stars look at night?

- But he fails. - I'll race you to the water fountain.

Man.

Like so many creatures on so many planets...

nothing gives more pleasure than a simple run...

through the darkened vegetation of one's habitat...

toward a pure, crystal spring.

- Beat you. - Oh, would you?

They move toward each other and they brush lips.

Ready for procreation...

the male slips his tongue into the female's mouth.

But her egg is not in her mouth, he discovers...

and even if it were, his semen is not in his tongue.

The human reproductive organs are in the pelvic region.

Just like a human male not to stop and ask for directions.

Over many encounters spanning an entire lunar revolution...

the male and female feed on more dead animals and vegetation together.

They return to the sacred meeting ground...

and experience together the metallic vibrations oftheir first meeting.

Let's go all the way

Every day

To a distant world

They ride mechanical beasts that invoke nausea and fear.

They watch their sun disappear in the horizon...

hopeful that it will return and not go supernova...

causing an instant suffocation and death.

They watch moving shadows in dark caves together.

Human females enjoy stories about one person dying slowly.

The males prefer stories Of many people dying quickly.

But they stay through the other's shadows...

for it is not the shadows they desire...

but the companionship.

And at the end Of each night...

they brush their lips against the other's once more...

and taste the other's tongue...

growing closer to true mating.

This time, the female allows the male to touch her bulbous chest...

which contains the infant's milk.

But no more.

This time she allows him to taste of the infant's milk...

checking for poisons or impurities on behalf of the child.

But no more.

The female must take things in stages.

It is her task to test the male...

to find the level of frustration he can endure.

Male frustration being an integral part...

of the life together she calls "marriage."

The female is ready.

The female removes all vegetation from the male's body.

He from hers.

They lay upon one another...

their bodies tense and moistened.

Unable to stand it any longer...

the male reaches for a thin, red square of tree bark.

He bites into it and produces its true fruit...

a tubular form of vulcanized vegetation.

The male places the tubular vegetation upon his seed shooter.

Okay.

He mounts the female.

He uses friction to release his seed.

The mating ritual of the humans Of Nocturis Five would end here.

But the earthbound human--

Like only six other creatures in the known universe--

uses artificial means to delay procreation.

For the vulcanized vegetation that the male placed on his seed shooter...

will prevent his seed from ever reaching the female's egg.

Like so--

Wow. Oh, I guess it's true.

Nice guys really do finish last.

The male arrives at his playground, contented.

A sense of well-being surrounds him.

The female is contented as well.

Jennifer, would you terribly mind doing a little work today?

I'm sorry. It's just such a beautiful day.

- What's going on? - Nothing.

- A gift from the male. - Oh! He didn't!

Raw vegetation For the female to eat...

so she may keep up her strength for motherhood.

He is so sweet. I just can't believe how sweet he is.

The female plans to eat the vegetation at a later time.

You slut.

You've only been seeing this man for a month...

and you give it up just like that?

Stay out of this. You're embarrassing her.

I just don't want her to develop a bad reputation.

Who are you, her mother? It's none of your business.

The females of the pack discuss the mating dance.

They are happy for her, For the propagation of their species.

Males of the pack sense the progression of the mating dance as well.

- Fucked her? - Fucked her.

- Cool. - The pack rejoices.

- Yes! - Over time, the male and female...

continue to practice the physicality of mating.

- Oh! - Yes!

It is difficult for them, causing them pain and anguish.

God!

But for the good of their species, they endure.

And endure...

and endure.

But still they feel they have not perfected their craft.

You get a better price If you buy them in bulk.

Like my cousin, she had this big, old-fashioned wedding...

with hundreds of people-- lots of brides maids...

a band, ushers, flowers.

I was only about ten, but I always dreamed of a wedding like that.

Sounds great. Hope I'm invited.

- Oh, God. - Hey, Jenny, wait up!

Other males see the female and want to mate with her as well.

-Just walk away. - Who are these guys?

- Hey, I've been meaning to call you. - Hi, Mike.

Mike, Tony, this is Billy.

- How ya doin'? - Shut up.

You dumped me for this fag?

No, I dumped you Because you're an asshole.

I found this fag on my own.

Don't you just love her?

Look, a lot of time has passed.

I know I made some mistakes, but can't we just talk about it?

No. I found somebody else now.

- Come on, Jen. Just give me a chance. - Let go.

- Hey, look, we don't want any trouble. - Fag.

-Just come with me, please. Calm down! - Let go of me!

The male must protect his mate And defend his territory.

The male is overwhelmed with an urge to attack, but he is frightened.

There are more of them, and they are bigger.

- Relax, will you? - Let go!

The male attacks, but he is no match for them.

The mating ritual may come to an end for him after all.

Hey, Tony-- catch!

The female makes her choice.

He taught me a few things when we dated.

They retreat to the tranquility Of the male's sleeping hut.

Thank you.

I don't get it. You're beautiful.

You're smart. You can beat the crap out of people.

You're the perfect woman. What do you see in me?

That you think I'm the perfect woman.

You knew you were gonna lose, and you defended me anyway.

You're incredible.

I don't think I can. It kind of hurts.

You don't have to. I will.

The female attempts To swallow the male's seed...

for only through the sense of taste can she know that his seed is healthy...

and will produce a strong child.

Oh! God! Oh, God!

The male prays to his deity to make his seed strong and healthy.

- Where's the egg? - It's a blow job again.

- Oh, man! - What do they expect us to do?

- Where are we supposed to go? - Aw, come on!

- Where's the egg? - This is bullshit.

- Let's go back. - What a waste.

His seed is strong. He passes her test.

Thanks. You're the best.

Keep telling me that and one day I might believe it.

Oh, you should believe it now.

Are you ready to take this relationship to the next step?

We just got to this step.

I think you'll like it.

Okay, sure. If you think so.

Yikes! An AIDS test? You said I'd like this.

Yikes! An AIDS test? You said I'd like this.

You're the one who's always complaining that using a condom...

is like taking a shower in a raincoat.

This way I'll have my diaphragm...

and we won't have to worry about anything.

- I wasn't worried until we got here. - It's just a precaution.

Besides, you said you haven't been with that many women.

Yeah, but they were all sluts and drug addicts.

Don't look at me like that.

Waterson, William?

I don't want to be dying.

They say you start dying the moment you're born.

Well, I want to stay dying for another70 or 80 years.

As true mating grows ever nearer...

the male seeks medical advice from the large female.

Instead, she sticks him with needles and sucks out his blood.

"What a bitch, " thinks the male.

Not to be outdone by her partner...

the female puts herself through the same ordeal.

But she, too, thinks that the large female is a big, fat bitch.

The male worries. If his blood is tainted...

he will not be able to propagate his species.

He takes it upon himself to contact the large female...

making sure to keep his concerns well hidden.

The female shares these concerns as well.

She, too, decides to contact the large female.

Hi. This is Jenny Smith.

I'm calling for the results of my HIV test.

Thank you! Thank you very much.

You're so nice. Bye. Whoo!

Oh. I see.

Are you sure?

All right. Thank you.

The male tells the pack the horrific news.

His blood is unclean, he has learned.

He can mate no longer.

No human cub will ever Carry his genes.

- What exactly did they say? - What's there to say?

They got the results. It's negative.

Negative?

Negative. My whole life is one big, fat negative.

Jimmy, come on! That's not funny!

You yutz.

Billy, negative means you don't have it.

No. Negative means--

- Are you sure? - I'm pretty sure.

Hallelujah

The dance moves onward.

The male sheds the vulcanized vegetation...

as nature deems it no longer necessary for mating.

The female prepares her self a circular form of vulcanized vegetation...

proportionally fitted to her cervix.

She spreads cream on it for added taste.

This is still not mating.

The cream in question contains an active ingredient known as spermicide...

which preys on the chemical makeup of semen...

destroying it before it can reach the female's womb.

A microscopic view of the inner workings Of spermicide may look like this--

"Sperminator"-- enemy to all semen.

Mmm. I love you.

I know what you mean. The hits just keep on coming.

How come you can't say it?

- Say what? - I love you.

Oh, come on. I say it all the time.

No, we've been together for almost a year...

and you haven't said it once.

Why not? I know you do.

And that's the important thing.

I love you.

You're the best.

You'll say it.

- You gonna be long? -Just another minute or so.

That can mean anything. You know what,Jen?

I feel pretty comfortable with you. I think--

Are you ready to take this relationship to the next step?

That's funny. I was just thinking the same thing.

I've been wanting to--

The male takes the mating dance to a higher, richer level.

Got 'em. Third row.

On the floor. Lakers-Bulls. You, me, tonight.

Sorry, man, I can't. Me and Jenny got a thing.

No. No, no, no. You have the thing.

Don't go getting whipped on me, buddy.

I'm not whipped, all right?

It's just, I'm supposed to meet her parents tonight.

Whipped.

The pack prepares themselves For the male's departure.

He will soon leave them to start his new life with his mate.

Hey, I'm not whipped, all right?

I've been stalling for three weeks on this thing already...

and it's important to her, so I gotta do it.

You're whipped. Good as married. God help you.

I'm not whipped. I'm considerate.

I've seen it a million times. Pussy, pussy, whipped, whipped.

I'm warning you, Jimmy. I don't want to hear that word again.

Okay, but which? "Pussy," or "whipped"? 'Cause I--

Oh. Oh, we're pushing now?

They embrace, sadly, perhaps for the last time.

The male meets the female's parents. He is nervous.

Without parental approval, the female may choose another mate.

I still think it's a little early in our relationship for this.

I told you not to worry. Come on. What are you so worried about?

- It's no big deal. - I just don't do parents well.

Relax. They're good people.

I'm sure they'll feel the same about you as I do.

Come on.

Hi! We made it.

- Mom, Dad, this is Billy. - Hi. Nice--

Eddie! Your sister's here.

Wanting everything to go perfectly, the female assures the male...

that her family is loving and happy and normal.

Humans call this a white lie.

Why do I smell gunpowder?

Oh. You must be Jenny's boyfriend.

I got this in 'Nam.

Killed myself so many gooks with it...

the captain said I could keep it.

I bought this at an auction in London, England.

It's an antique.

I never fired it, not once.

I guess I'm kind of waiting for a special occasion.

You know why I keep this around?

- It can't be traced. - Oh.

The breaking of bread.

The female's family nourish themselves in silence, and stare at the male...

- because it scares him. - Well, to be honest...

these days it's, you know, it's really tough.

I think we're lucky. It's really tough to find somebody you can make it with.

I mean, someone you can have a relationship with...

and have the relationship make it.

Mom, he has his own accounting firm.

Isn't that great? Tell her about it.

It's nothing, really. It's nothing. It's small.

Isn't he cute, Mom?

- Look at those little cheeks. Oh, I-- - Stop.

- Stop. - Okay.

Another obstacle is overcome, and the mating dance goes on.

I... love... you!

I... love... this!

Bas... tard!

Because it's manipulative.

Nobody says "I love you" unless they want something from you.

My parents used to pull that crap on me all the time.

"I love you. I didn't mean to yell at you.

I love you. Clean up the kitchen.

I love you. Don't rat us out to Child Services."

- They never said that. - But my point still stands.

- When do I get to meet them, anyway? - My parents?

I don't think that's such a good idea, Jen.

We've been together for over a year.

- Are you embarrassed of me? - No, of them.

Mom, Dad, this is Jenny.

Mom, Dad, this is Jenny.

It is so nice to meet you, Jenny.

We've heard nothing But wonderful things about you.

- Thank you. The pleasure's mine. - Can I offer you a drink?

We just opened a chardonnay that'll knock your bra off.

- Mom! - It's okay.

Chardonnay sounds wonderful, Mrs. Waterson.

Please-- Margot. And this is Tom.

Go! Help yourself.

We'd serve it ourselves, but the pouring...

is just a little bit too much temptation for us.

- We're in a program. - Oh, God.

Step 11.

- I'll get the wine. - No, no, no. It's okay.

I'll get it.

What's wrong with you? They're charming people.

She's so nice!

Yeah. Yeah, she is nice.

- She has beautiful eyes. - Thank you.

- So, did you fuck her? - What the hell's the matter with you?

What did I say?

- I asked if he fucked her. - Of course he's fucked her.

Wouldn't you fuck her? I'd fuck her and I'm not even into that.

- Mom! - What?

I'm defending you. Your father's the one causing trouble.

I just wanted to know if Those were real hooters or not.

Of course they're real. You can't buy hooters like that.

Okay, if you two continue to embarrass me, we're leaving.

There's just no pleasing you. Come on.

It's an honor to have you in our home, Jennifer.

The male's parents take an immediate liking to their cub's mate...

and welcome her into the pack.

For the female, it is like gaining a new father and mother...

in addition to her own.

How happy she is.

Her new father examines her milky chest.

He is pleased that his grandchildren will be well fed.

Another hurdle overcome.

- God, you are so pretty. - You're so pretty too.

That's a horrible thing to say to a guy.

I'm handsome. I'm maybe cute.

- And very, very pretty. - Oh, yeah?

What if I do this?

Yuck!

I think we know who the pretty one is in this relationship.

Oh, yeah? What if I do this?

Okay, then I would have to do this.

Yeah? Well, I'll have to do this.

Oh, yeah? Then I would do this.

That one's pretty good.

- It better be because it's real. - Oh, God.

Oh, boy. Ohh!

"Sperminator"-- protector of the uterus.

- Bye, Jen. Have a nice weekend. - You too.

- Here you go. - Thanks. It's Mr. Hatfield...

- from Entertel. - Damn. Can you just tell him I left...

and the reports were faxed to him about five minutes ago?

-Jenny, that is dishonest. - Please?

Me and Billy are going to Montelido in a half an hour...

- and I haven't even packed yet. - What's Montelido?

It's in central California. An old hippie town.

Billy's friend has a house in the woods...

and he lent it to us for the weekend.

Please?

Mr. Hatfield? I'm sorry. She just left.

But she wanted me to tell you that she faxed your reports.

Yeah, everybody's left.

Is your wife still there?

The male and female go to the woods...

planning to mate in their natural habitat.

The female is anxious.

She knows the burden motherhood will bear.

Relax. It's not like we have to be there at a specific time.

We said we'd leave by 8:00. It's 8:30. I hate being late.

- You're always late. - Doesn't mean I like it.

Come on, Jen. Relax.

- We're going there to have a good time. - I know that.

So don't put any pressure on yourself. If we're late, we're late. So what?

I suppose you're right.

- Well, that's it. I'm ready. - Great.

I feel like I forgot something.

Oh, don't worry. Everyone feels like that when they travel.

Yeah, but I really feel like I forgot something.

Then we'll rough it. That's what the woods are for.

- Don't worry. It'll be fine. - If you say so.

Trust me.

How could you forget Your diaphragm?

I told you I forgot something. You said it didn't matter.

- You said we could rough it. - You can't rough that.

Ready to mate, male and female discuss the virtues of parenthood.

- You can always pull out. - That's a little too rough for me.

So this is all my fault? You're not willing to sacrifice?

I'd love to promise to, but I wouldn't be able to.

You're the most beautiful thing in the world and I'm a stupid, horny schmuck.

Be realistic.

Well, I guess that's that.

Want to play cards?

You know, there are Other ways to rough it.

How?

Bracey ourself.

As mating grows ever nearer...

the male uses his tongue to explore the female's womb...

clearing the passageway of any debris so that the infant will have...

an easy voyage into their world.

Oh, God!

It is painful for her...

but for the good of their child, she makes the sacrifice.

So this is nature?

Ooh, nature's good.

Young humans often have difficulty discussing the mating dance...

with those more elderly.

- Can I help you? - Here, an embarrassed male...

tries to secure from the old, wise woman...

a slice of vulcanized vegetation to place on his seed shooter.

Do you have any--

You know, condoms?

Oh, sure. We got ketchup, mustard.

My man Thor makes a mean homemade marmalade.

No, not condiments, but condoms.

Prophylactics.

Male birth control?

Rubbers. Why didn't you say so?

Of course we sell rubbers. What do you think we are, backwards?

Great. Let's see. That's three in a pack.

We're here for another day. We'll take two packs.

- We'll take five packs. - I don't have that many left.

- We'll take whatever you got. - That'd be none.

Those rubbers sell like hotcakes up here.

Do you have anything?

Diaphragm, sponge?

- The pill? - They don't have that here.

Funny thing about that expression.

Hotcakes never sold near as good as rubbers.

The expression should be, "Sells like rubbers."

Who needs hotcakes?

- Is there a store nearby? - Nope.

Ever since the government unleashed AIDS on our unwitting society...

those rubbers have sold like rubbers.

Well, thanks a lot for your help, and I guess we'll see you soon.

Yeah, real soon.

Unbeknownst to the male and female, the old, wise woman...

is really a citizen of the planet Pierkov.

Who would have thought there's not a store in the entire area...

where you can buy a condom?

- Well, this is nice anyway. - Yeah, it is.

Kind of reminds me Of when we were first dating...

just holding each other, not being able to do anything.

Yeah, only then we didn't Know whatwe were missing.

-What are you saying? - I can't stand it.

Good answer.

- We should be okay. - Yeah, I'll pull out.

- It's a safe time in my cycle. - I'll pull out.

Some people never use anything at all, and nothing ever happens.

- I'll pull out. - You said you couldn't do that.

- I thought you said I'm too beautiful. - But look at you.

You're not wearing makeup. Your hair's a mess. You're a skank.

You sweet talker, you.

Now, this is mating.

More than a year After they have met...

a year of practice and preparation...

countless other humans guiding them and keeping them on track...

reproduction is ready to take place.

Conception!

- I think we're all right. - Absolutely.

But believe it or not, the mating dance is still not complete.

Conception is only an important stage for humans.

Much can still go wrong.

I think that's the one.

It's nothing. All that clean air in the woods...

just threw off my cycle, that's all.

Then the test will show negative. At least this way you'll know.

- I already know. - Then what are you worried about?

You just shouldn't have bought me the test.

Billy should have bought you the test, But you don't have the guts to tell him.

There's nothing to tell him.

There's something to tell him.

I'm pregnant.

I'm gonna be a mother.

I'm gonna be a mother!

The itsy-bitsy spider went up the waterspout

Down came the rain And was hed the spider out

Good morning, Mom. Hey! What smells so good?

Your lunch, son. Tuna fish on whole wheat and fruit...

so you'll grow up healthy and strong.

My favorite! I love you, Mom.

I love you, Billy Junior.

Hi, honey. I'm off to work.

- Have a nice day, sweetheart. - Bye, Daddy!

- Who do we have here? - I'm your child.

- No, I don't have a child. - Yes, you do.

No, I pulled out, remember? Sorry, little boy, but I pulled out.

- No, you didn't. - Did.

- Didn't. - Did.

- Didn't. - Did.

- Didn't. - Did.

- What are you saying? - Did.

Billy!

Look, I refuse to accept this.

You're gonna have to accept it, because it's true.

No! I will never accept it!

Never!

I'm gonna be a mother.

The female is thrilled by The prospect of her motherhood.

You'll be okay.

What am I gonna do?

How am I gonna tell Billy?

Billy, we're pregnant.

I'm pregnant.

Remember when you said you'd pull out?

You bastard!

Listen, you're not alone.

We're totally gonna be here for you. It's gonna be fine.

Nervous about the male's reaction...

the female tries to mate with her own pack...

but that's a whole other movie.

The female conveys the good news.

Their efforts have proven fruitful.

I 'm pregnant.

Whoa.

Whoa.

The human male now does a peculiar thing...

indigenous to those of his species.

After months of mating...

he determines he is not interested in the dance he has danced.

He has not mated. He never met her. What's her name?

Say something.

It is mine, isn't it?

Say something better.

Okay, okay. I'm sorry. That was wrong.

Of course it's mine.

Whoa.

Okay, okay. I got to stay strong here.

I gotta do the honorable thing.

I'm gonna do the honorable thing.

"I'm gonna do the honorable thing"?

What is that? Some kind of pity proposal?

I've waited my whole life for a man to ask me to marry him.

But I sure as hell don't need your pity proposal.

By honorable thing, I meant I was going to pay for the abortion.

What?

If you don't want my pity proposal, I understand.

I don't believe you.

- What do you want me to do? - I don't know!

I just wanted you to be happy about this.

I wanted you to p--

Forget it.

So you do want me to propose.

Pussy, pussy, whipped, whipped. Pussy, pussy, whipped, whipped.

The male is trapped.

You planned this thing real well, Jen. Real well.

What? I didn't plan anything.

You've been calling the shots from the beginning.

"Let's get an AIDS test. Let's go meet my family."

They embark upon the uniquely human characteristic...

of saying things they will later regret...

one of the more dangerous steps of the mating dance.

You asshole. God, I thought you were a nice guy.

Come on. Deny it. Look me in the eye...

and tell me this wasn't some part of a grand scheme to trap me.

- In the eye? - In the eye.

- Get out of my home. - Yeah. That's what I thought.

The male retreats to the comfort of the pack.

Only with his own kind, he knows...

can he be safe and healthy and strong.

It's, like, I don't even have a choice anymore.

It's gotta be her way or the highway.

Well, I don't take to ultimatums.

No man does.

And I'm sure as hell not ready to get married.

- No man is. - No man.

They force him to consume large amounts of fermented grain...

in an attempt to kill him.

Unwilling to mate, he is no longer Of any use to their species.

Since it ended, I got this feeling in my stomach...

Like an empty pit...

Like, I don't even know--

I don't even know how to live anymore.

I know. I know. Now, drink up.

The male tries to validate his existence...

and prove he doesn't need a female to mate.

He attempts to devolve into a hermaphrodite...

and give birth to offspring on his own.

Oh, God. Oh, God.

For the male, this will prove ultimately unfulfilling.

Although genetically equipped to deliver the placenta...

he is unable to produce the infant itself.

The female retreats to the comfort Of her pack as well.

Now expectant mother...

it is within her power alone to erase the past year...

or allow the mating dance to come to fruition.

I mean, there is no way I'll bring that asshole's baby into this world.

Listen, if you want to do this, we'll back you up.

We'll take you there, but don't do this because of him.

- Do it because it's what you want. - I don't know what I want.

I definitely don't want another one of him running around.

So what time?

No, I've got to do this myself.

Oh, honey.

The dance ends.

It is as if the male andt he female Never crossed tracks.

Appreciating the male's futile attempt to devolve into a hermaphrodite...

the pack welcomes him back in with support and sympathy over his loss.

You did the right thing. I mean, she--

She was playing you for a sucker the whole time.

- I don't know. - Come on, man.

You saw the guys she went out with. What would she want with you...

other than the fact that you're the only one who would stick around...

after her biological alarm clock buzzed?

Now the joke's on her.

I suppose. I mean...

I knew she was out of my league from the moment I first saw her.

- She's beautiful. - Exactly.

- And smart. - Right.

Kind, caring...

supportive, successful.

My point is made.

And I love her.

Maybe you didn't get my point after all.

What am I, crazy? She's the greatest Thing that ever happened to me.

She's the greatest thing that ever will happen to me. I've got to talk to her.

I gotta beg her into taking me back, whatever it takes.

Don't let her talk you into getting married.

I'm not going to let her talk me into getting married.

-I'm going to talk her into marrying me. -You're falling for it!

I fell a long time ago. I was just too stupid to realize it.

- I'm outta here. -Just hear me out first, all right?

Congratulations, man.

The two of you make a wonderful couple.

- I thought you were against it. - I'm your friend.

- Whatever you want, I want. -Thanks, man.

You'll make a great daddy.

Now, go.

- What do you want, asshole? - Where's Jenny?

- That's none of your business, prick. - I gotta talk to her.

Well, she's not talking to you, dick wad.

Fine. Then I'll wait here until she gets back.

Fine. She'll be back in a week.

Lock up at the end Of the night, scumbag.

What is your problem?

I checked home; she's not home. I checked here; she's not here.

I screwed up. I want to fix things.

I suppose you want to marry her now, huh? Ya freakazoid!

Yes, and I want you to be the maid of honor because of your warmth and charm.

- You really wanna marry her? - Go away.

- Really, really? - Leave me alone.

Oh, God.

Oh, God. This is one Of those crisis moments.

What would Jenny want me to do?

Okay, I'm gonna tell you where she is. But if you go and she gets upset...

you have to tell her you just guessed.

But if you go there and she's happy to see you, you can tell her it was me.

I'll tell her I like you If you tell me where she is.

Okay. She really hated your guts Because you were a prick.

Like so many others before her...

this female joins the mating dance...

and helps the male arrive at its completion.

Oh, my God!

Move it! Come on!

Let's go, lady! Let's go!

God!

What?

Hello! Hello? Hell--

Oh, hi. I need to see Jenny Smith right away.

- I'm sorry, sir. You can't go in-- - It doesn't matter.

The large female tells the male he is too late.

The past has been erased. The mating dance did not take place.

Fuck.

There are no human sounds to express the sadness felt...

by the entire species on the verge of extinction.

- Thank you. -Jenny?

What are you doing here?

Never mind that.

Look, I'm sorry I forced you here.

I'm sorry I wasn't with you. I'm sorry about everything I said.

But I want you in my life.

With or without a child, I want you in my life...

for the rest of my life.

I--you know--

I need you.

I love you. I love you.

I love you more than anything.

We'll make another kid If you want.

Not that that'll make up for it, and If you don't want to, you don't have to.

It's up to you. Whatever you want.

We can start planning that big wedding you always wanted.

Just say that you'll marry me.

I couldn't go through with it.

But the nurse said That you were already--

At the last minute I figured that you've been great for this whole year.

You only messed up once.

I do want another one of you in this world...

especially if it's got a little bit of me mixed in it.

Still want to get married?

Okay. You?

Okay.

As a final symbol, the male and female cement...

the completion of the mating ritual.

Gathering together the entire pack...

the male and female must first bore...

then feed all who participated in the great dance.

A human male speaks of the couple's undying love for one another.

No one knows this person, but they pay him well for his thoughts.

The pack rejoices at the male and female's good fortune...

and at their own good fortune...

for the species has been propagated-- humanity will live on.

And as a testimony of their affection for one another...

the male and female make promises they don't know if they can keep.

- I do. - I do.

They make speeches that sound like sweet roses in bloom...

before they die and get all crinkly and yucky.

I don't know why you've chosen me.

I only know that I will spend the remainder of my days...

trying to prove my worthiness...

even though no one could ever be truly worthy of you.

I will love you, cherish you and nurture you.

For without you, my life is empty and my soul is barren.

I will stay with you and keep you with me for all eternity.

Forever and ever and-- Uh-oh.

Get away from me, you bastard!

"I'll pull out," my ass! Fuck you! Fuckin' prick!

And at long last...

the female experiences the joy and pleasure of birth.

It is a euphoric experience for her.

Having had to suffer the pain of orgasm...

she is now entitled to reap nature's reward.

Fuckin' piece of shit!

It is a state of ecstasy the male will never enjoy.

Breathe, honey. Just breathe.

The female attempts to describe her euphoria to her true love.

- Breathe. - You breathe, motherfucker!

- Breathe. Just keep breathing. - Fuck you! Oh, fuck you!

Fuck!

The mating habits Of the earthbound human.

From meeting in a bar to conceiving on a floor...

to proposing in an abortion clinic...

so it goes with all earthbound humans.

With a mating ritual so complex and intricate...

that their mere survival defies all logic...

one can only feel for them a sense of respect and admiration.

So let's not blow up Their planet after all.

They don't like the looks ofthe child, so they beat it.

Thank you.

Please turn off your universal translator...

and mate according to your own custom.