All language subtitles for A.Liars.Autobiography.The.Untrue.Story.of.Monty.Pythons.Graham.Chapman.2012.720p.BluRay.x264-SONiDO-English
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1
00:00:22,147 --> 00:00:25,367
Is this fucking thing on? Oh.
Ladies and gentlemen.
2
00:00:25,484 --> 00:00:27,486
He's wacky, he's zany,
3
00:00:27,611 --> 00:00:32,037
he's one entire sixth of the greatest
comedy team the world has ever seen.
4
00:00:32,157 --> 00:00:36,879
Here to reveal all, please welcome
Monty Python's Graham Chapman!
5
00:00:38,664 --> 00:00:41,668
Er, before I begin,
6
00:00:41,792 --> 00:00:44,841
there is a favour I would like to ask
of all of you, please.
7
00:00:44,962 --> 00:00:48,011
And I do mean every single person
in the room.
8
00:00:48,131 --> 00:00:51,931
No opting out. I'd like everyone
to join in with this, please.
9
00:00:52,052 --> 00:00:55,352
I would like to ask you all
for 3O seconds...
10
00:00:55,472 --> 00:00:56,769
of abuse.
11
00:01:06,024 --> 00:01:08,618
Thank you so much.
12
00:01:11,530 --> 00:01:14,659
Go home! Get off!
13
00:01:14,783 --> 00:01:17,036
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
14
00:01:24,710 --> 00:01:27,429
Thank you.
Thank you so much. Thank you.
15
00:01:30,299 --> 00:01:34,520
15 seconds to go!
Thank you. Thank you so much.
16
00:01:34,636 --> 00:01:37,389
I want my fucking money back!
17
00:01:37,514 --> 00:01:40,063
Oh, thank you.
Thank you.
18
00:01:40,183 --> 00:01:41,935
Get off that stage!
19
00:01:42,060 --> 00:01:44,654
You suck!
20
00:01:44,771 --> 00:01:47,741
You're a shit!
21
00:01:47,858 --> 00:01:50,657
You-you-you-you...
You miscreant!
22
00:01:50,777 --> 00:01:52,404
I like you!
23
00:01:52,529 --> 00:01:56,875
Thank you very much
indeed. That was excellent abuse.
24
00:01:56,992 --> 00:02:00,462
And it will certainly save
a lot of time later on.
25
00:02:09,254 --> 00:02:13,054
New York, 1976.
The City Center theatre.
26
00:02:13,175 --> 00:02:17,271
Monty Python's Flying Circus
is appearing. We are in mid-sketch.
27
00:02:18,263 --> 00:02:20,516
I am playing Oscar Wilde.
28
00:02:20,641 --> 00:02:24,737
My congratulations, Wilde.
Your play is a great success.
29
00:02:24,853 --> 00:02:27,697
The whole of London
is talking about you.
30
00:02:27,814 --> 00:02:31,660
There is only one thing in the world
worse than being talked about
31
00:02:31,777 --> 00:02:34,405
and that is NOT being talked about.
32
00:02:36,948 --> 00:02:39,497
Very witty, Wilde. Very witty.
33
00:02:39,618 --> 00:02:42,838
There is only one thing worse
in the world than being witty
34
00:02:42,954 --> 00:02:45,798
and that is not being witty.
35
00:02:50,712 --> 00:02:53,181
I wish I had said that.
36
00:02:53,298 --> 00:02:55,767
You will, Oscar. You will.
37
00:02:55,884 --> 00:02:59,559
Your Highness, do you know
James McNeill Whistler?
38
00:02:59,680 --> 00:03:01,648
Yes. We play squash together.
39
00:03:01,765 --> 00:03:05,861
There is only one thing worse
than playing squash together
40
00:03:05,977 --> 00:03:09,277
and that is playing it by yourself.
41
00:03:09,398 --> 00:03:12,277
He waits expectantly
for the roars of laughter
42
00:03:12,401 --> 00:03:15,496
and the shrieks of glee.
They do not come.
43
00:03:16,697 --> 00:03:19,200
The silence grows longer.
44
00:03:21,034 --> 00:03:23,457
I wish I hadn't said that.
45
00:03:23,578 --> 00:03:25,626
You did, Oscar. You did.
46
00:03:27,624 --> 00:03:31,174
Forgive me, Wilde,
but I must get back up the palace.
47
00:03:31,294 --> 00:03:33,171
Wilde is desperate.
48
00:03:33,296 --> 00:03:35,799
The Prince of Wales is leaving
with a smile on his face
49
00:03:35,924 --> 00:03:38,894
that had not been put there
by Oscar Wilde. He blurts:
50
00:03:39,010 --> 00:03:44,312
Your Majesty, you are like a big jam
doughnut with cream on top.
51
00:03:44,433 --> 00:03:46,435
I beg your pardon?
52
00:03:46,560 --> 00:03:50,406
Er... er...
Erm, it was one of Whistler's.
53
00:03:50,522 --> 00:03:54,322
- I didn't say that.
- You did, James. You did.
54
00:03:54,443 --> 00:03:56,070
L...l meant that, er,
55
00:03:56,194 --> 00:04:00,620
like a doughnut, your arrival,
your Majesty, gives us pleasure,
56
00:04:00,741 --> 00:04:03,995
and your departure
only makes us hungry for more.
57
00:04:06,705 --> 00:04:10,130
Your Majesty is like
a stream of bat's piss.
58
00:04:11,209 --> 00:04:15,180
- I beg your pardon?
- It was one of Wilde's.
59
00:04:15,297 --> 00:04:17,846
Uh... uh... uh...
60
00:04:17,966 --> 00:04:21,061
I have just dried.
I cannot remember the next line.
61
00:04:21,178 --> 00:04:23,601
I'm waiting, Wilde. I'm waiting.
62
00:04:24,723 --> 00:04:29,320
The entire theatre waits
and as they wait, so do I
63
00:04:29,436 --> 00:04:32,531
for that damned line to enter my head.
It refuses to come.
64
00:04:32,647 --> 00:04:34,991
Oh, get on with it.
65
00:04:36,485 --> 00:04:38,738
Get on with it.
66
00:05:16,441 --> 00:05:20,787
Dr Chapman?
We'll be landing in Los Angeles shortly.
67
00:05:20,904 --> 00:05:23,578
Hello? Dr Chapman?
68
00:05:23,698 --> 00:05:26,292
Are you all right, Dr Chapman?
69
00:05:29,412 --> 00:05:33,258
Keep your seat
belts fastened and luggage stowed safely.
70
00:05:33,375 --> 00:05:35,548
Turn off your head sets
and electrical equipment
71
00:05:35,669 --> 00:05:37,717
until you see the seat belt sign
turned off.
72
00:05:48,348 --> 00:05:51,067
It's at moments like this
when one thinks,
73
00:05:51,184 --> 00:05:55,405
“Oh, fuck it. Does it really matter?
What are we all here for?
74
00:05:55,522 --> 00:05:59,072
"Are we predestined
to take the paths we follow?"
75
00:06:01,278 --> 00:06:05,454
I was born in Leamington, now officially
known as Royal Leamington Spa,
76
00:06:05,574 --> 00:06:09,044
moderately famous for the manufacture
of gas cookers.
77
00:06:09,160 --> 00:06:11,288
The year was 1942
78
00:06:11,413 --> 00:06:14,292
and the period of gestation
ended on February 7th,
79
00:06:14,416 --> 00:06:18,887
during an air raid in which the Germans
thought they were hitting Coventry.
80
00:06:22,173 --> 00:06:24,301
My parents, Tim and Beryl
81
00:06:24,426 --> 00:06:28,272
- sorry, Tim and Betty -
were outraged when I arrived
82
00:06:28,388 --> 00:06:31,016
because they'd been expecting
a heterosexual black Jew
83
00:06:31,141 --> 00:06:35,362
with several amusing birth deformities
as they needed the problems.
84
00:06:37,355 --> 00:06:41,531
They lived in an enormous Gothic castle
in the south of France
85
00:06:41,651 --> 00:06:45,201
called “Done Drinking Gin And Slimline
Tonic With Ice But No Lemon In",
86
00:06:45,322 --> 00:06:49,202
which was originally built by Marco Polo
for himself and a few friends
87
00:06:49,326 --> 00:06:52,546
he wanted to invite round
to his place after the pub closed.
88
00:07:00,003 --> 00:07:02,426
I must admit so far
89
00:07:02,547 --> 00:07:07,474
that this has not had much more
than a grain of truth in it,
90
00:07:07,594 --> 00:07:09,972
but it is more interesting
91
00:07:10,096 --> 00:07:14,101
than all the usual humdrum wetting
of nappies and, later, pants,
92
00:07:14,225 --> 00:07:18,480
not being allowed to sit next to the
Czech girl because I once shat myself,
93
00:07:18,605 --> 00:07:21,529
seeing bits of people
hanging from trees... Oh!
94
00:07:21,650 --> 00:07:24,824
That does sound interesting.
Perhaps I should put that down.
95
00:07:25,820 --> 00:07:27,663
I was three at the time
96
00:07:27,781 --> 00:07:31,081
and my mother wanted to take me
along to see my father.
97
00:07:40,627 --> 00:07:43,471
- Walter.
- Sorry, dear. I'm busy.
98
00:07:43,588 --> 00:07:47,013
Hey, you. That's sack's
already got two legs in it.
99
00:07:48,176 --> 00:07:51,100
Walter, dear,
we were just out shopping
100
00:07:51,221 --> 00:07:53,849
and I thought that Graham might like...
101
00:07:53,974 --> 00:07:58,400
Can't you come back later, dear?
Has anyone found that head yet?
102
00:07:58,520 --> 00:08:02,525
Has anyone in this street found a head?
Oh, come on. Someone must have it.
103
00:08:02,649 --> 00:08:05,152
I know this street.
You'd steal anything.
104
00:08:05,276 --> 00:08:08,621
I mean, what the bloody hell
are you gonna do with a head?
105
00:08:11,366 --> 00:08:13,960
Oh, dear.
Perhaps we'll go and get your tea.
106
00:08:14,077 --> 00:08:17,001
What? Oh, yes.
Egg on toast, please.
107
00:08:17,122 --> 00:08:20,251
Left arm here.
Anyone missing a left arm?
108
00:08:20,375 --> 00:08:23,345
We haven't got any eggs.
There is a war on.
109
00:08:23,461 --> 00:08:27,056
Ask Harold. Something's bound
to have fallen off the back of a lorry.
110
00:08:27,173 --> 00:08:29,221
All right, dear.
Come on, Graham.
111
00:08:29,342 --> 00:08:32,687
Stop staring at all that blood.
It won't do you any good.
112
00:08:32,804 --> 00:08:36,559
Oh, come on, mum. This must be one
of my major formative experiences.
113
00:08:56,828 --> 00:08:58,375
Eton.
114
00:08:58,496 --> 00:09:01,170
"Summer term,
or “wops" as we called it,
115
00:09:01,291 --> 00:09:03,669
seemed to have dragged on endlessly.
116
00:09:03,793 --> 00:09:09,175
The smell of freshly mown grass wafted
over from far-off Hayes meadow,
117
00:09:09,299 --> 00:09:11,552
the village clock chimed in the distance
118
00:09:11,676 --> 00:09:14,646
and somewhere,
miles above our petty earth,
119
00:09:14,763 --> 00:09:18,939
a wisp of cloud took flame from
the dying embers of the setting sun.
120
00:09:19,059 --> 00:09:21,437
They combined to produce
an atmosphere
121
00:09:21,561 --> 00:09:24,610
so redolent of this type of writing.
122
00:09:30,695 --> 00:09:34,916
“lam victoria tam facilis
scrotum non valet...
123
00:09:43,792 --> 00:09:46,966
We always beat Harrow anyway.
Why bother?
124
00:09:51,466 --> 00:09:56,097
Oh, Chapman, sir, may I clean
your teeth tonight? Oh, please?
125
00:09:56,221 --> 00:09:59,100
Why don't you bugger off, Shagspot?
126
00:09:59,224 --> 00:10:01,898
Oh! Thank you, sir.
127
00:10:02,894 --> 00:10:06,615
Plucky little squit, that young McMillan.
Should go far.
128
00:10:09,067 --> 00:10:12,037
In a few days, I would be in Nice,
129
00:10:12,153 --> 00:10:15,282
soaking up the sun
at the side of my father's pool,
130
00:10:15,406 --> 00:10:18,785
while Jenkins hovered by
with a tray of vodkatinis.
131
00:10:24,457 --> 00:10:26,926
Would you like another sandwich,
dear?
132
00:10:27,043 --> 00:10:28,920
What?
133
00:10:29,045 --> 00:10:31,844
They're your favourite,
sandwich spread.
134
00:10:33,758 --> 00:10:35,510
So this is Nice?
135
00:10:37,637 --> 00:10:40,891
What do you mean, Nice?
This is Scarborough.
136
00:10:41,015 --> 00:10:42,858
You do too much reading.
137
00:10:42,976 --> 00:10:45,399
It'll do you more good
if you eat your tea.
138
00:10:45,520 --> 00:10:49,320
Quite right. You can't get through to him
when he's got a book in his hand.
139
00:10:49,440 --> 00:10:53,161
- What is it, anyway?
- "Claudius the God“ by Robert Graves."
140
00:10:53,278 --> 00:10:57,328
A fine historical reconstruction of the
life of Claudius, the Roman emperor,
141
00:10:57,448 --> 00:10:59,542
thought of in his time as a pitiful fool,
142
00:10:59,659 --> 00:11:02,788
though the reign Mr Graves describes
is far from folly.
143
00:11:02,912 --> 00:11:04,585
Is it?
144
00:11:08,418 --> 00:11:12,468
Anyway, finish your tea. We ought
to get a haddock for Mrs Richers.
145
00:11:12,589 --> 00:11:16,560
There's plenty time for that later.
Thraxted's doesn't close till five.
146
00:11:16,676 --> 00:11:20,601
- They'll be out of haddock by then.
- We'll get halibut.
147
00:11:20,722 --> 00:11:23,771
Mrs Richers especially asked
for the haddock.
148
00:11:23,892 --> 00:11:28,773
Oh, haddock, halibut, cod.
There's no difference. It's all fish.
149
00:11:28,897 --> 00:11:31,992
Let's just sit here for a bit
and enjoy the view.
150
00:11:32,108 --> 00:11:34,531
- It's raining.
- It's bracing.
151
00:11:34,652 --> 00:11:38,998
You should have your window open, lad.
Get a bit of ozone in your lungs.
152
00:11:40,283 --> 00:11:42,957
Ozone is oxygen in a condensed state,
153
00:11:43,077 --> 00:11:45,546
having three atoms to the molecule.
O3.
154
00:11:45,663 --> 00:11:48,917
- What you can smell is rotting seaweed.
- Well, it's good for you.
155
00:11:49,042 --> 00:11:51,841
- No, it isn't.
- Don't argue with your father.
156
00:11:51,961 --> 00:11:56,137
It's those fancy books. You can't learn
everything out of books, my lad.
157
00:11:56,257 --> 00:11:58,601
There's no argument. It's a fact.
158
00:11:58,718 --> 00:12:02,518
Stop it, Graham. Now, come on.
We'll go and get the fish.
159
00:12:02,639 --> 00:12:06,394
- No, we'll stay here.
- I think we should get the fish.
160
00:12:08,937 --> 00:12:12,817
That ship over there
ls bringing wood from Norway,
161
00:12:12,941 --> 00:12:15,911
coniferous wood used
in the paper manufacturing industry
162
00:12:16,027 --> 00:12:18,155
since the late 15th century.
163
00:12:19,155 --> 00:12:23,706
But the first paper mill in England
was owned by John Tate in Hertford,
164
00:12:23,826 --> 00:12:26,170
a manufacturer of continuous...
165
00:12:26,287 --> 00:12:30,884
Oh, the Tates. Wasn't their youngest
walking about with that Valerie Maskell?
166
00:12:31,000 --> 00:12:32,798
No.
167
00:12:32,919 --> 00:12:37,049
This process was developed by the
stationers Messrs H and S Fourdrinier.
168
00:12:37,173 --> 00:12:38,925
It was her.
169
00:12:39,050 --> 00:12:42,179
She was the one that got all the spots
at secretarial college.
170
00:12:42,303 --> 00:12:44,522
Quiet, Edith.
171
00:12:44,639 --> 00:12:49,566
The Fourdriniers were assisted by Mr
Bryan Donkin, an inventor and engineer.
172
00:12:49,686 --> 00:12:55,443
Wasn't his step-uncle, Stephanie,
a wholesale poultry in Peatling Parva?
173
00:12:55,566 --> 00:12:57,284
- No!
- Yes, he was.
174
00:12:57,402 --> 00:12:59,871
It was their youngest
that moved downstairs
175
00:12:59,988 --> 00:13:03,333
next door to the chemist in Wimbledon,
nearly opposite the Gantleys.
176
00:13:03,449 --> 00:13:05,292
Shut up.
177
00:13:06,995 --> 00:13:10,716
Do you realise that if you look out there
on a very clear day,
178
00:13:10,832 --> 00:13:12,926
you can't quite see Denmark?
179
00:13:13,042 --> 00:13:14,965
I think we should get the haddock.
180
00:13:15,086 --> 00:13:18,056
Will you shut up
about the bloody haddock?
181
00:13:18,172 --> 00:13:20,800
- Why is it that every bloody year...
- Language.
182
00:13:20,925 --> 00:13:24,395
Every year our summer holiday
consists of two weeks
183
00:13:24,512 --> 00:13:29,860
in Scarborough, Filey or Bridlington,
sitting in a car in the rain, bickering.
184
00:13:29,976 --> 00:13:33,321
- Why don't we go to bloody Denmark?
- Language!
185
00:13:36,941 --> 00:13:40,195
- We did promise haddock.
- Oh, all right!
186
00:13:40,320 --> 00:13:43,745
We'll go and get your bloody, flaming,
bloody haddock!
187
00:13:43,865 --> 00:13:47,085
Trouble with you two is you don't
appreciate the beauties of nature.
188
00:13:53,833 --> 00:13:57,007
What's that you've got back there?
189
00:13:57,128 --> 00:14:01,634
It's a book.
“I, Biggles", by Captain W E Graves.
190
00:14:01,758 --> 00:14:04,932
Captain, eh?
Mm. That sounds better.
191
00:15:30,513 --> 00:15:32,857
Everything OK, skipper?
192
00:15:32,974 --> 00:15:36,729
Tell you what, old man.
Having a bit of trouble with this.
193
00:15:36,853 --> 00:15:40,357
Could you just pop your hand down
my Mae West, old tapir?
194
00:15:40,481 --> 00:15:42,575
Well, if that's an order, old guillemot.
195
00:15:42,692 --> 00:15:45,195
- It is.
- Righty-o.
196
00:15:45,319 --> 00:15:47,617
Here it comes, old bison.
197
00:15:55,455 --> 00:15:59,756
- Don't stop now! I'm nearly there.
- So am I!
198
00:16:29,864 --> 00:16:34,210
- What about me?
- Oh, fuck off, Ginger.
199
00:16:36,329 --> 00:16:39,082
To heck with the lot of them.
200
00:16:57,308 --> 00:16:59,310
I'll just jolly well sit down here
201
00:16:59,435 --> 00:17:03,315
and improve the bally old mind a little,
don't you know.
202
00:17:04,273 --> 00:17:06,776
“The Complete Works
of Captain W E Johns“.
203
00:17:06,901 --> 00:17:09,404
“How to speak English
in other languages...
204
00:17:09,529 --> 00:17:12,783
“The Interpretation of Dreams“,
by Sigmund Freud.
205
00:17:14,742 --> 00:17:18,667
In the following lecture,
I, Sigmund Freud,
206
00:17:18,788 --> 00:17:22,759
shall prove the entire psychology
of man can only be understood
207
00:17:22,875 --> 00:17:25,845
with a reference
to the science of navigation.
208
00:17:25,962 --> 00:17:27,464
Spot on.
209
00:17:27,588 --> 00:17:31,638
In relation to this,
I remember a young adolescent
210
00:17:31,759 --> 00:17:36,310
who was having reoccurring dreams
about flying.
211
00:17:38,099 --> 00:17:41,694
A fictional aviator called Bigglesworth
and his companions
212
00:17:41,811 --> 00:17:45,065
are attempting to escape
from a Focke-Wulf
213
00:17:45,189 --> 00:17:47,658
which is pursuing them
and shooting at them.
214
00:17:47,775 --> 00:17:50,904
A typical dream recall of a particularly
exciting episode
215
00:17:51,028 --> 00:17:55,329
of an adventure story for boys.
Or so it would seem.
216
00:17:57,243 --> 00:17:59,245
Let's look at the dream more closely.
217
00:17:59,370 --> 00:18:02,044
The first thing we notice
is that throughout the scene
218
00:18:02,164 --> 00:18:07,170
we see navigational elements
hidden not so far below the surface.
219
00:18:08,170 --> 00:18:11,765
A compass, indicating
the plane's direction of travel.
220
00:18:13,718 --> 00:18:18,019
A map behind the aviators
telling them where they are going.
221
00:18:18,139 --> 00:18:22,394
All unmistakable symptoms
of a navigational obsession.
222
00:18:23,978 --> 00:18:27,107
Note also the use
of zoological terminology
223
00:18:27,231 --> 00:18:29,654
in their navigational exchange
with one another.
224
00:18:29,775 --> 00:18:33,530
"Old bison, “ "old tapir"
and even “old guillemot"
225
00:18:33,654 --> 00:18:38,535
clearly indicates a yearning for a
pre-rational animal state of existence
226
00:18:38,659 --> 00:18:41,754
in which navigation
is not yet distinguishable
227
00:18:41,871 --> 00:18:44,590
from simply running around.
228
00:18:44,707 --> 00:18:49,304
The boy patient clearly identifies himself
with the minor character, Ginger,
229
00:18:49,420 --> 00:18:54,768
who is excluded from the adventure
because he is navigationally inadequate.
230
00:18:55,551 --> 00:18:58,521
Ginger? That's me.
231
00:18:58,638 --> 00:19:02,984
Inadequate? What a bally awful tone,
don't you know, what ho, old chap.
232
00:19:13,944 --> 00:19:17,164
- You've been bloody reading again.
- I haven't.
233
00:19:17,281 --> 00:19:19,283
Well, what's this in my hand?
234
00:19:19,408 --> 00:19:22,207
“The Interpretation of Dreams“,
by Sigmund Freud,
235
00:19:22,328 --> 00:19:26,799
probably his most original work,
in which he explored the unconscious
236
00:19:26,916 --> 00:19:29,760
and found that neurotic symptoms
are like dreams,
237
00:19:29,877 --> 00:19:32,221
a product of conflict and compromise
238
00:19:32,338 --> 00:19:35,091
between the conscious
and unconscious states...
239
00:19:35,216 --> 00:19:38,095
Is it? What's this?
240
00:19:38,219 --> 00:19:41,143
“Sucking at the mother's breast
241
00:19:41,263 --> 00:19:45,609
"is the starting point
for the whole sexual life,
242
00:19:45,726 --> 00:19:50,857
“the unmatched prototype
of every latent sexual satisfaction"?
243
00:19:50,981 --> 00:19:53,985
I've got the haddock.
Now, what were you saying?
244
00:19:54,110 --> 00:19:58,832
Oh, another book, dear?
What is it this time?
245
00:19:58,948 --> 00:20:02,452
Nothing. Just a road map.
246
00:20:02,576 --> 00:20:05,204
"Who's “Frood," then?
247
00:20:05,329 --> 00:20:09,050
He's an expert on... navigation.
Very interesting.
248
00:20:09,166 --> 00:20:12,340
His theories on navigation, you see.
Longitude and latitude.
249
00:20:12,461 --> 00:20:15,681
- That sort of thing.
- Ah, well. That's enough of that.
250
00:20:15,798 --> 00:20:18,597
Let's get back to Mrs Richers
with this haddock.
251
00:20:18,718 --> 00:20:20,561
Right.
252
00:20:27,101 --> 00:20:30,901
Quite a lot happened
over the next few years.
253
00:20:31,021 --> 00:20:34,025
A disastrous sexual experiment
with Rita Blake,
254
00:20:34,150 --> 00:20:36,778
my first love affair with another boy.
255
00:20:36,902 --> 00:20:38,700
Ooh!
256
00:20:38,821 --> 00:20:43,622
Stuffing snails into a gatepost,
the hen-stealing nuns,
257
00:20:43,743 --> 00:20:45,962
Pig-Shit Freeman,
258
00:20:46,078 --> 00:20:50,800
Miss Chamberlain's three consecutive
head girls pregnant,
259
00:20:50,916 --> 00:20:54,011
my questions about ejaculation
to the biology master,
260
00:20:54,128 --> 00:20:58,429
Albert the groundsman, holding hands
with Mark Collins in a maths class,
261
00:20:58,549 --> 00:21:00,551
painting John Wilder black,
262
00:21:00,676 --> 00:21:03,350
Prunose Eskimo Nell,
263
00:21:03,471 --> 00:21:05,894
Monsieur Le Beau Vatten,
264
00:21:06,015 --> 00:21:09,986
and elderly spinsters'
wanking-off birthday cakes.
265
00:21:10,895 --> 00:21:15,446
But such trivia needs no elaboration.
One childhood is much like another.
266
00:21:15,566 --> 00:21:19,491
Amateur psychologists who think it clever
to explain the character of the later man
267
00:21:19,612 --> 00:21:22,081
for a jumble of largely
fictitious memories
268
00:21:22,198 --> 00:21:25,247
can ferret for their filth
in other people's autobiographies.
269
00:21:42,968 --> 00:21:45,972
In the spring
of nineteen sixty-splunge,
270
00:21:46,096 --> 00:21:48,440
John Cleese and Graham Chapman
271
00:21:48,557 --> 00:21:51,527
thought they might like to do
another television program.
272
00:21:51,644 --> 00:21:55,865
In another part of London, Michael Palin,
Terry Jones and Eric Idle,
273
00:21:55,981 --> 00:21:58,530
and an American draft dodger -
and who can blame him? -
274
00:21:58,651 --> 00:22:02,576
called Terry Vance Gilliam
thought they would too.
275
00:22:02,696 --> 00:22:06,417
Me? Hmm-mm.
I still like "owl stretching time“."
276
00:22:06,534 --> 00:22:09,037
Of course, it was my idea.
Terry Jones.
277
00:22:10,329 --> 00:22:12,582
And lots of noises
only the Welsh can make.
278
00:22:12,706 --> 00:22:15,334
I still like "a horse, a bucket
and a spoon".
279
00:22:15,459 --> 00:22:17,837
His suggestion.
J Cleese.
280
00:22:17,962 --> 00:22:21,466
Look, you Welsh git. We discarded
that about two hours ago.
281
00:22:21,590 --> 00:22:23,012
Oh, fucking hell!
282
00:22:23,133 --> 00:22:27,104
I remember not being particularly
interested in the debate about titles.
283
00:22:27,221 --> 00:22:30,976
Had I given up medicine
for trivia such as this?
284
00:22:31,100 --> 00:22:33,478
- Aren't we able to talk about things?
- Yes.
285
00:22:33,602 --> 00:22:37,823
But do we have to go on about it
in such a high-pitched voice?
286
00:22:37,940 --> 00:22:41,035
John Cleese guffaws like a barrister
having made his point.
287
00:22:41,151 --> 00:22:43,449
This winds Terry Jones up
to near violence.
288
00:22:43,571 --> 00:22:46,871
Of course I go on about it.
It's fucking important.
289
00:22:46,991 --> 00:22:49,039
Terry, would you or would you not say
290
00:22:49,159 --> 00:22:53,005
that the rest of us have already
agreed that we don't like it?
291
00:22:53,122 --> 00:22:57,298
Characteristic of his temperament,
T Jones calms down instantly,
292
00:22:57,418 --> 00:23:00,888
having vented his spleen
on inanimate objects.
293
00:23:02,631 --> 00:23:06,602
I still like “owl stretching time."
M Palin.
294
00:23:06,719 --> 00:23:10,565
No, I've gone off that a bit.
I prefer "sex and violence“",
295
00:23:10,681 --> 00:23:13,981
But I think Terry's got a point about
"a horse, a bucket and a spoon."
296
00:23:14,101 --> 00:23:17,571
Oh, sorry, Graham. You're doing
all the voices in this bit, aren't you?
297
00:23:17,688 --> 00:23:19,565
I'll shut up.
298
00:23:21,108 --> 00:23:22,826
M Palin.
299
00:23:22,943 --> 00:23:25,947
No, I've gone off that a bit.
I prefer "sex and violence“",
300
00:23:26,071 --> 00:23:28,950
but Terry's got a point about
“a horse, a bucket and a spoon“.
301
00:23:29,074 --> 00:23:30,826
Oh, come off it.
302
00:23:30,951 --> 00:23:33,921
And so it was decided to call it.
303
00:23:34,038 --> 00:23:36,712
Monty Python's Flying Circus.
304
00:24:02,107 --> 00:24:07,534
Cambridge, a university town built
in a featureless, flat landscape.
305
00:24:10,032 --> 00:24:12,034
So featureless, in fact,
306
00:24:12,159 --> 00:24:15,459
you wonder why anyone chose it
as a location for anything.
307
00:24:17,539 --> 00:24:19,587
The magnificence of St John's,
308
00:24:19,708 --> 00:24:21,802
the noteworthy splendour of Trinity,
309
00:24:21,919 --> 00:24:25,264
the sheer portliness of the banks
310
00:24:25,381 --> 00:24:29,852
and some very high walls,
behind which a semi-aristocratic elite
311
00:24:29,969 --> 00:24:34,645
could hide from the outside world
and go to each other's rooms for sherry.
312
00:24:40,020 --> 00:24:42,114
And gazing at the magnificent,
313
00:24:42,231 --> 00:24:45,952
noteworthy, sheer splendour
of the portly King's College chapel,
314
00:24:46,068 --> 00:24:49,914
it would be a world-weary traveller
indeed who did not pause to think,
315
00:24:50,030 --> 00:24:54,160
"Why the fuck didn't they build
the whole town two inches to the right?"
316
00:24:54,284 --> 00:24:55,706
Sorry!
317
00:25:43,292 --> 00:25:44,418
Hmm.
318
00:25:48,756 --> 00:25:50,178
Tsk. Hmm.
319
00:25:54,803 --> 00:25:56,350
Hmm.
320
00:26:06,774 --> 00:26:08,776
Stop! Everybody stop! Right.
321
00:26:08,901 --> 00:26:13,998
If I find any more of you bloody idiots
heating up ether over an open flame,
322
00:26:14,114 --> 00:26:15,912
I'll... I'll kill you!
323
00:26:16,033 --> 00:26:18,752
I haven't been a munitions expert
in two world wars
324
00:26:18,869 --> 00:26:21,338
to get slaughtered
by a load of ignorant tits!
325
00:26:21,455 --> 00:26:24,459
If you don't know what you're doing,
get out!
326
00:26:36,929 --> 00:26:40,183
So, Chapman, let's see.
327
00:26:41,642 --> 00:26:45,021
Oh, now, do you play rugby?
328
00:26:45,145 --> 00:26:47,898
I play for Melton Mowbray, first team.
329
00:26:48,023 --> 00:26:51,118
- What position do you play?
- Second row.
330
00:26:51,235 --> 00:26:53,909
That's good.
We need a second row.
331
00:26:54,029 --> 00:26:58,375
Absolutely.
We'll see you in September.
332
00:27:00,994 --> 00:27:05,374
There is just one small matter,
of course. Just a formality.
333
00:27:05,499 --> 00:27:08,594
Your A-level results here.
You're taking three A-levels?
334
00:27:08,710 --> 00:27:12,135
- Oh, yes, yes.
- Will you pass physics?
335
00:27:12,256 --> 00:27:13,883
No.
336
00:27:14,007 --> 00:27:15,975
Why not?
337
00:27:16,093 --> 00:27:18,596
Uh... well, I'm not sure.
338
00:27:18,720 --> 00:27:21,849
Not sure, eh?
That means you're in doubt?
339
00:27:21,974 --> 00:27:24,318
- Well, no...
- Do you mean yes?
340
00:27:24,434 --> 00:27:26,732
Uh... Yes.
341
00:27:26,854 --> 00:27:29,733
So a pass may be possible, eh?
342
00:27:29,857 --> 00:27:31,905
Uh, yes. Possible.
343
00:27:32,025 --> 00:27:33,902
- Probable, even?
- Well, I, uh...
344
00:27:34,027 --> 00:27:36,496
Let me put it another way.
345
00:27:36,613 --> 00:27:38,911
Are you going to fail?
346
00:27:39,032 --> 00:27:41,034
No.
347
00:27:43,579 --> 00:27:44,796
No?
348
00:27:48,458 --> 00:27:51,302
- How did it go?
- Oh, fine.
349
00:27:51,420 --> 00:27:53,593
Mind you, I've got to pass physics.
350
00:27:53,714 --> 00:27:55,716
Well, you'll do that, won't you?
351
00:28:03,640 --> 00:28:05,859
I think at about this juncture,
352
00:28:05,976 --> 00:28:09,230
it would be wise to point out to those
of you who haven't noticed,
353
00:28:09,354 --> 00:28:11,356
and it's apparent enough,
354
00:28:11,481 --> 00:28:14,200
Jonathan Miller and myself
come from good families
355
00:28:14,318 --> 00:28:17,572
and have had the benefits
of a public school education.
356
00:28:17,696 --> 00:28:19,824
Whereas the other two members
of the cast
357
00:28:19,948 --> 00:28:23,873
have worked their way up
from working-class origins.
358
00:28:23,994 --> 00:28:28,716
And yet Jonathan and I are working
together with them in the cast...
359
00:28:33,337 --> 00:28:36,011
and treating them as equals.
360
00:28:37,925 --> 00:28:41,429
And I'd like to say it's proving
to be a most enjoyable,
361
00:28:41,553 --> 00:28:44,523
worthwhile and stimulating experience
for both of us.
362
00:28:44,640 --> 00:28:48,270
- Wouldn't you agree, Jonathan?
- Certainly is. I'm most impressed.
363
00:28:50,354 --> 00:28:52,982
It's... it's your results.
364
00:28:54,024 --> 00:28:55,776
Ah.
365
00:29:04,284 --> 00:29:07,037
What... What does it...
What does it say?
366
00:29:07,913 --> 00:29:10,257
It says... It says...
367
00:29:13,502 --> 00:29:17,552
Three passes!
That means you're in, doesn't it?
368
00:29:17,673 --> 00:29:20,051
Well done, Graham.
369
00:29:21,677 --> 00:29:24,476
I have been accepted
by Emmanuel College.
370
00:29:24,596 --> 00:29:27,065
I've bought a gown,
several club ties,
371
00:29:27,182 --> 00:29:30,527
walked around in a tweed suit
with a pipe and tried to look clever.
372
00:29:30,644 --> 00:29:34,399
The pipe was very useful. If anyone
said anything I didn't understand,
373
00:29:34,523 --> 00:29:37,447
I could puff on it
and seem deep in thought.
374
00:29:37,567 --> 00:29:41,367
The tweed suit didn't fool anybody,
but the pipe worked a treat.
375
00:29:41,488 --> 00:29:44,207
In tutorials,
I was asked fewer questions.
376
00:29:44,324 --> 00:29:47,919
It also helped clobber the stench
of formalin in the dissecting rooms.
377
00:29:51,164 --> 00:29:53,166
Describe the vagina.
378
00:29:57,587 --> 00:30:01,057
- Kevin.
- Um, right.
379
00:30:01,174 --> 00:30:05,725
- Well, it's a sensitive organ.
- What do you mean?
380
00:30:05,846 --> 00:30:09,726
Well, it's about four and a half
inches long
381
00:30:09,850 --> 00:30:12,069
and it's, uh, very sensitive.
382
00:30:12,185 --> 00:30:17,783
Balls! The only thing sensitive about
the vagina is in the front of it, lad.
383
00:30:17,899 --> 00:30:19,993
Apart from a certain sensation
384
00:30:20,110 --> 00:30:23,535
because something has passed through
the perineal musculature,
385
00:30:23,655 --> 00:30:27,250
the vagina itself is virtually numb!
386
00:30:27,367 --> 00:30:31,793
You answer shows not only a lack
of anatomical knowledge,
387
00:30:31,913 --> 00:30:34,837
but a complete social ignorance.
388
00:30:34,958 --> 00:30:39,304
You've obviously never slept
with a woman!
389
00:30:42,799 --> 00:30:44,893
No! Aah!
390
00:30:46,261 --> 00:30:48,104
Not that bit!
391
00:30:51,683 --> 00:30:54,732
Awfully sorry, old chap,
but sex is a rather difficult subject
392
00:30:54,853 --> 00:30:56,981
and I don't know what came over me.
393
00:30:57,105 --> 00:30:59,574
Oh, well. Better go and have lunch,
I suppose.
394
00:30:59,691 --> 00:31:02,240
Anyone coming to the bun shop?
395
00:31:03,236 --> 00:31:06,536
Oh, thank God.
That was a short tutorial.
396
00:31:09,993 --> 00:31:13,668
In my first year at Cambridge,
I tried to join the Footlights Club,
397
00:31:13,789 --> 00:31:17,089
realising that the only reason
I'd gone there in the first place
398
00:31:17,209 --> 00:31:21,214
was that I'd seen a television version
of a Footlights annual revue.
399
00:31:21,338 --> 00:31:24,012
I impersonated a carrot
400
00:31:24,132 --> 00:31:28,478
and a man with iron fingertips being
pulled offstage by an enormous magnet.
401
00:31:31,723 --> 00:31:33,896
Really super.
402
00:31:34,017 --> 00:31:36,361
In the same set of auditions,
403
00:31:36,478 --> 00:31:39,652
John Cleese did a routine
of trampling on hamsters
404
00:31:39,773 --> 00:31:43,277
and can still do
a good pain-ridden squeak.
405
00:31:51,827 --> 00:31:54,171
How about that?
406
00:31:56,706 --> 00:32:00,756
We were both selected and very soon
were able to wear black sashes
407
00:32:00,877 --> 00:32:03,881
with "Ars Est Celare Artem“ on them."
408
00:32:04,005 --> 00:32:06,383
“The art was to conceal the art."
409
00:32:10,470 --> 00:32:14,600
March 1964. The new biochemistry
and physiology block
410
00:32:14,724 --> 00:32:17,978
was being opened by
Her Majesty the Queen Mother.
411
00:32:18,103 --> 00:32:20,902
Being secretary
of the Students' Union,
412
00:32:21,022 --> 00:32:25,573
I was invited to join Her Majesty for tea
with other members of the student body
413
00:32:25,694 --> 00:32:28,243
after her tour of the new premises.
414
00:32:28,363 --> 00:32:31,788
I was pleased to find out that she had
asked to come to tea with the students
415
00:32:31,908 --> 00:32:36,209
and not with a lot of old gits
in red gowns and stupid floppy hats.
416
00:32:47,591 --> 00:32:50,470
- Ah, yes.
- How do you take yours?
417
00:32:50,594 --> 00:32:53,894
Gin and Slimline tonic with ice
but no lemon in, Your Majesty.
418
00:32:56,433 --> 00:32:57,776
Cheers.
419
00:32:57,893 --> 00:33:02,319
I explained to Her Majesty that I had
the offer of going to New Zealand
420
00:33:02,439 --> 00:33:04,942
as a member of Cambridge Circus,
a revue,
421
00:33:05,066 --> 00:33:08,161
but that this would mean taking
six months off medicine
422
00:33:08,278 --> 00:33:11,122
and my parents had yelped
strongly against this.
423
00:33:11,239 --> 00:33:13,662
You really must
see New Zealand.
424
00:33:13,783 --> 00:33:16,536
It's a very beautiful place.
425
00:33:22,375 --> 00:33:25,504
My sexual life consisted of going to bed
with women
426
00:33:25,629 --> 00:33:27,631
while dreaming about men.
427
00:33:27,756 --> 00:33:31,727
The first one was the student's
traditional friend, a nurse.
428
00:33:31,843 --> 00:33:34,892
She was rather podgy
and extremely repellent,
429
00:33:35,013 --> 00:33:38,062
but I just wanted to get my end away.
430
00:33:38,183 --> 00:33:41,778
She was a real "lie down and think
of hockey and England“ type",
431
00:33:41,895 --> 00:33:45,820
and after a brief grope
that was not enthusiastically received,
432
00:33:45,941 --> 00:33:49,070
I looked her hard in the breasts
and thought, "Yuck."
433
00:33:49,194 --> 00:33:52,243
“The bar's still open.
I'll get rid of her.“
434
00:33:53,990 --> 00:33:58,587
There was another female student
getting a lot of attention from the lads.
435
00:33:58,703 --> 00:34:03,504
Of a rather fawning, not daring
to ask nature, I sat down at her table.
436
00:34:03,625 --> 00:34:08,222
Ignoring her minions, I boldly passed her
a plate of sandwich spread sandwiches
437
00:34:08,338 --> 00:34:10,386
and asked her if she'd go.
438
00:34:10,507 --> 00:34:13,807
"She was intelligent enough to say,
“See you in my room tonight."
439
00:34:13,927 --> 00:34:16,476
We had a bloody good time
for a whole year.
440
00:34:16,596 --> 00:34:19,600
She was athletic and imaginative.
We went right through the card.
441
00:34:19,724 --> 00:34:22,819
It wasn't just British missionary,
but doggie on the floor,
442
00:34:22,936 --> 00:34:26,315
on the floor standing, on the desk,
in the shower, in the bath,
443
00:34:26,439 --> 00:34:29,613
near the bath, at someone else's place
while they weren't looking,
444
00:34:29,734 --> 00:34:32,487
and in a guard's van
through the whole of Birmingham.
445
00:34:32,612 --> 00:34:36,867
The description of this passage
has made me feel... Excuse me.
446
00:34:38,702 --> 00:34:40,704
Oh, that's better.
447
00:34:40,829 --> 00:34:45,551
I liked the experience, but after nine
months or so, it began to pall
448
00:34:45,667 --> 00:34:49,888
and I felt I'd rather spend more time
in the bar drinking with the lads.
449
00:34:50,005 --> 00:34:52,303
This is hardly even partly true
in retrospect.
450
00:34:52,424 --> 00:34:55,052
It's just that I remember once or twice
451
00:34:55,176 --> 00:34:58,806
thoughts of men's bodies
creeping into my mind while in coitus.
452
00:35:08,732 --> 00:35:12,407
I decided that I should do
some clinical tests on myself,
453
00:35:12,527 --> 00:35:16,122
so whenever I went in a taxicab,
tube, train or bus,
454
00:35:16,239 --> 00:35:19,368
I looked at each passer-by
and tried to tell myself honestly
455
00:35:19,492 --> 00:35:22,371
which ones I would like
to go to bed with.
456
00:35:24,247 --> 00:35:27,842
And the ratio of boys to girls
was something like seven to three,
457
00:35:27,959 --> 00:35:30,963
which puts me clearly
on the homosexual side of the scale,
458
00:35:31,087 --> 00:35:33,886
as suggested in the Kinsey Report.
459
00:35:40,013 --> 00:35:42,232
Look. He says he's on tour
460
00:35:42,349 --> 00:35:46,195
with something called
Cambridge Circus, a revue.
461
00:35:46,311 --> 00:35:48,734
The Queen Mother told him,
you know,
462
00:35:48,855 --> 00:35:53,907
and as Her Majesty was telling Graham,
New Zealand is such a beautiful place.
463
00:35:54,027 --> 00:35:58,328
She said he really had to go and see it.
It's by royal command, really.
464
00:36:06,706 --> 00:36:08,708
A trip to New Zealand
and America
465
00:36:08,833 --> 00:36:11,086
made me more broad-minded
about myself.
466
00:36:11,211 --> 00:36:15,591
Immediately after qualifying, I gave up
medicine and became a raging poof.
467
00:36:15,715 --> 00:36:18,889
But no mincing.
A butch one with a pipe.
468
00:36:25,642 --> 00:36:28,862
Graham, taxi's here for the BBC!
469
00:37:27,120 --> 00:37:29,748
- Thank you very much indeed.
- Class.
470
00:37:29,873 --> 00:37:33,719
Some people say it's disappearing,
but if modern advertising...
471
00:37:41,634 --> 00:37:43,682
Come in.
472
00:37:44,929 --> 00:37:47,899
Come in, Thompson. Nice to see you.
It's time we had a little chat.
473
00:37:48,016 --> 00:37:50,860
- Thank you, sir.
- Good.
474
00:37:50,977 --> 00:37:54,857
Don't sit on the floor, Thompson.
Sit on the chair.
475
00:37:54,981 --> 00:37:57,109
How are you, Thompson?
476
00:37:57,233 --> 00:37:59,782
- Fine, sir.
- Good. Splendid. You look well.
477
00:37:59,903 --> 00:38:04,079
I was talking this morning to Miss Evans
about your Latin verse.
478
00:38:04,199 --> 00:38:08,545
The prose is all right, but verse is weak.
You've got to do something about it.
479
00:38:08,661 --> 00:38:11,210
- Yes, sir.
- Hmm.
480
00:38:12,999 --> 00:38:15,548
Thompson, have you been shot?
481
00:38:15,668 --> 00:38:18,638
Yes, sir. Just a bit.
482
00:38:18,755 --> 00:38:21,474
Well, who shot you?
A master or a boy?
483
00:38:21,591 --> 00:38:24,060
- A boy, sir.
- Oh, good.
484
00:38:29,474 --> 00:38:32,774
Hi, guys. Hello.
Super show tonight. Super.
485
00:38:32,894 --> 00:38:34,942
Look, I can't stop.
Got a flight to catch.
486
00:38:35,063 --> 00:38:38,488
I was thinking you boys ought
to write a film script.
487
00:38:38,608 --> 00:38:41,111
It'd be super, absolutely super.
488
00:38:41,236 --> 00:38:44,365
I'm sending you off to Spain to write
the script. It'll be great fun.
489
00:38:44,489 --> 00:38:47,663
Anyway, I've got to go.
They're calling my flight. Bye.
490
00:38:47,784 --> 00:38:49,081
Super.
491
00:39:01,589 --> 00:39:06,345
Well, now we're here, the first thing
we should do is examine all the beaches
492
00:39:06,469 --> 00:39:10,599
to find out which will be the best place
to write a film set in London.
493
00:39:10,723 --> 00:39:14,227
Well, it usually takes me two weeks
to get acclimatised
494
00:39:14,352 --> 00:39:17,231
and I still haven't thrown off
this throat.
495
00:39:17,355 --> 00:39:21,155
It is rather hot, isn't it?
I'm feeling a bit groggy myself.
496
00:39:21,276 --> 00:39:24,200
Perhaps a couple of weeks' rest
might be a good idea.
497
00:39:24,320 --> 00:39:27,199
But do you think we should?
I mean, David frost and all that.
498
00:39:27,323 --> 00:39:31,203
- He has paid us, Graham.
- Yes, I suppose you're right.
499
00:39:31,327 --> 00:39:35,673
Yes, well,
I'll probably be all right tomorrow.
500
00:39:35,790 --> 00:39:39,761
Yes, right. That's fine. We'll start
tomorrow, first thing in the morning.
501
00:39:39,878 --> 00:39:42,097
Right. Yes, yes, yes.
Fine, then.
502
00:39:42,213 --> 00:39:45,717
I'll sit in the shade with the typewriter
and you can sit out on the balcony
503
00:39:45,842 --> 00:39:48,641
sunning yourself
and shout a few lines in, right?
504
00:39:48,761 --> 00:39:50,229
Fine. Great.
505
00:39:53,057 --> 00:39:54,934
Oh, bugger.
506
00:39:55,059 --> 00:39:58,188
Graham, do you mind if we don't start
till the evening, actually?
507
00:39:58,313 --> 00:40:01,783
I promised to take Connie out tomorrow.
She's only got a few more days here.
508
00:40:01,900 --> 00:40:04,699
Bit awkward to get out of it now,
you know? Damn!
509
00:40:04,819 --> 00:40:07,618
Fine by me.
We have done a synopsis of the film.
510
00:40:07,739 --> 00:40:10,367
I wouldn't mind taking a bit of time off.
511
00:40:10,491 --> 00:40:13,370
- We'll start on Friday, yes?
- Yes. Right.
512
00:40:13,494 --> 00:40:17,340
Um... Be a bit noisy,
but we can shut ourselves away.
513
00:40:17,457 --> 00:40:19,960
- Noisy?
- Well, there's the fiesta this weekend.
514
00:40:20,084 --> 00:40:23,054
Lots of dancing, fireworks, wine
and that sort of thing.
515
00:40:23,171 --> 00:40:25,390
Oh. I've never been to Spain before.
516
00:40:25,506 --> 00:40:28,180
Haven't you?
Oh, well. You must, then.
517
00:40:28,301 --> 00:40:31,225
You must go to the fiesta.
So let's have a drink.
518
00:40:31,346 --> 00:40:34,225
That brings us to Monday.
We'll start on Monday.
519
00:40:34,349 --> 00:40:38,104
No, Monday and Tuesday
are Connie's last two days
520
00:40:38,227 --> 00:40:41,731
and I'd like to see her off on Wednesday,
so let's start Thursday.
521
00:40:41,856 --> 00:40:44,109
Look, why don't we make it
two weeks?
522
00:40:44,233 --> 00:40:45,985
Done.
523
00:40:50,657 --> 00:40:53,410
I SEY-
524
00:40:53,534 --> 00:40:55,707
Just look at that.
525
00:41:20,395 --> 00:41:23,399
I spent the next two weeks
searching for something
526
00:41:23,523 --> 00:41:25,776
that I knew was probably very sexy.
527
00:42:38,347 --> 00:42:42,022
Super, boys, super.
Really super.
528
00:42:42,143 --> 00:42:44,987
I look forward to reading
more than ten pages.
529
00:42:45,104 --> 00:42:47,448
Ooh, got to fly. Bye!
530
00:42:59,911 --> 00:43:01,083
Hello?
531
00:43:02,872 --> 00:43:04,340
Who was that?
532
00:43:04,457 --> 00:43:06,004
One of the painters.
533
00:43:06,125 --> 00:43:09,095
It sounded like one of the painters
I've spoken to before.
534
00:43:09,212 --> 00:43:11,681
Well, yes, it probably did a bit.
535
00:43:11,798 --> 00:43:13,926
It's a bit late for painting, isn't it?
536
00:43:14,050 --> 00:43:16,553
No, no. You just don't understand
London, mother.
537
00:43:16,677 --> 00:43:18,850
This is not like Leicester.
538
00:43:18,971 --> 00:43:22,646
For a whole year, I've lived in terror,
an almost Thorpean terror,
539
00:43:22,767 --> 00:43:25,737
of being found out for what I was.
A poof.
540
00:43:25,853 --> 00:43:28,823
"Fuck it," I thought.
“Why go through all this agony?"
541
00:43:28,940 --> 00:43:32,820
I decided that I would invite my closest
friends to a party to meet David
542
00:43:32,944 --> 00:43:36,448
and explain to them all
that I was a bit bent.
543
00:43:36,572 --> 00:43:38,745
This was a coming-out party.
544
00:43:48,251 --> 00:43:50,379
No, Graham, you don't understand.
545
00:43:50,503 --> 00:43:52,505
I'm just very surprised.
546
00:43:52,630 --> 00:43:56,100
Ever since I've known you,
you've played rugby, drank a lot of beer,
547
00:43:56,217 --> 00:43:59,721
you smoked a pipe,
you wore a tweed suit and brogues
548
00:43:59,846 --> 00:44:03,521
and this is not a standard gay profile.
549
00:44:09,188 --> 00:44:10,735
Yes.
550
00:44:10,857 --> 00:44:12,325
Ooh!
551
00:44:19,615 --> 00:44:22,539
The other extraordinary reaction
was from Keith Moon,
552
00:44:22,660 --> 00:44:26,710
who was quite stunned.
Obviously, he was quite young then,
553
00:44:26,831 --> 00:44:29,129
but I had to explain to him
what it all meant,
554
00:44:29,250 --> 00:44:32,880
that I actually did go to bed
with people of the same sex,
555
00:44:33,004 --> 00:44:35,848
that it was quite fun and that we
actually loved each other.
556
00:44:35,965 --> 00:44:38,138
It wasn't at all naughty.
557
00:44:53,816 --> 00:44:55,739
Come in.
558
00:44:57,236 --> 00:45:00,206
- Trouble at mill.
- Oh, no. What sort of trouble?
559
00:45:00,323 --> 00:45:02,701
One of crossbeams
gone out of skew on treadle.
560
00:45:02,825 --> 00:45:03,826
Pardon?
561
00:45:03,951 --> 00:45:06,545
One of crossbeams
gone out of skew on treadle.
562
00:45:06,662 --> 00:45:08,380
I don't understand.
563
00:45:08,497 --> 00:45:12,297
One of the crossbeams
has gone out of skew on the treadle.
564
00:45:12,418 --> 00:45:14,762
- But what on earth does that mean?
- I don't know.
565
00:45:14,879 --> 00:45:18,349
Mr Wentworth just told me to come in
and say there was trouble at the mill.
566
00:45:18,466 --> 00:45:20,889
I didn't expect a kind of
Spanish inquisition.
567
00:45:24,889 --> 00:45:28,644
Suddenly I feel like digressing
for another moment about morality.
568
00:45:29,644 --> 00:45:32,193
I intend to publish here for the first time
569
00:45:32,313 --> 00:45:36,068
what I believe to be a missing portion
of the New Testament.
570
00:45:45,910 --> 00:45:49,505
The papyrus manuscript,
translated here from the original Greek,
571
00:45:49,622 --> 00:45:54,879
was discovered in 1979 by the author
at Auckland airport.
572
00:45:57,296 --> 00:46:01,267
It was there, in transit to Sydney,
Australia, whiling away a few moments,
573
00:46:01,384 --> 00:46:06,515
when the manuscript was given to him
by a Maori chieftain toilet attendant.
574
00:46:06,639 --> 00:46:10,985
The first epistle of Paul the Apostle
to the New Zealanders, AD 59.
575
00:46:11,102 --> 00:46:12,945
Chapter 1,
576
00:46:13,062 --> 00:46:17,283
in which Paul castigated the
Antipodeans' empty showing of holiness,
577
00:46:17,400 --> 00:46:19,869
of fornicators and abusers
of mankind,
578
00:46:19,986 --> 00:46:21,863
of poverty and tolerance,
579
00:46:21,988 --> 00:46:25,333
exorteth them
to beware of false prophets.
580
00:46:25,449 --> 00:46:27,747
“Dear New Zealanders,
what is all this nonsense
581
00:46:27,868 --> 00:46:31,543
"about certain of your number
kneeling down in front of crosses?"
582
00:46:31,664 --> 00:46:34,508
“That is naughty in the extreme.
583
00:46:34,625 --> 00:46:38,630
"You've changed the glory
of an incorruptible god into an image."
584
00:46:38,754 --> 00:46:42,554
“L understand that the very same people
collect together in churches
585
00:46:42,675 --> 00:46:44,973
“for the purpose of worship.
Who needs it?
586
00:46:45,094 --> 00:46:49,395
“God doesn't. I've asked him. He's fed up
with it, especially the psalms.
587
00:46:49,515 --> 00:46:52,815
"They give him a headache
and cause his teeth to strike together."
588
00:46:52,935 --> 00:46:55,438
“Don't they realise their praise
is meaningless?
589
00:46:55,563 --> 00:46:59,284
“Why can't they concentrate on being
better behaved towards one another
590
00:46:59,400 --> 00:47:02,074
“and forget about this empty show
of holiness?
591
00:47:02,194 --> 00:47:06,495
“He says, though don't quote me on this,
'They can stuff it up their arses.'
592
00:47:06,615 --> 00:47:08,788
“He said that, not I.
593
00:47:08,909 --> 00:47:12,709
"L, a mere mortal,
would not have put it quite like that."
594
00:47:12,830 --> 00:47:16,130
"I'm afraid I think too much
about my earthly reputation,"
595
00:47:16,250 --> 00:47:20,676
“but I cannot help agreeing with him
about fornicators, adulterers,
596
00:47:20,796 --> 00:47:23,299
“effeminates and abusers of mankind.
597
00:47:23,424 --> 00:47:25,847
“I'm constantly being misquoted
on this point.
598
00:47:25,968 --> 00:47:29,723
“L would like to state quite clearly
that sex is nothing more
599
00:47:29,847 --> 00:47:31,895
“than the way in which
two or more people
600
00:47:32,016 --> 00:47:34,018
“can have lots of harmless, cheap fun,
601
00:47:34,143 --> 00:47:38,319
"provided that they are clean
and that the aim is not reproduction."
602
00:47:40,524 --> 00:47:43,027
“The betterment of the lot of mankind
is impossible
603
00:47:43,152 --> 00:47:46,156
“without strict limits on reproduction,
so don't make the mistake
604
00:47:46,280 --> 00:47:49,534
“the rest of the world has made
and overpopulate yourselves.
605
00:47:49,658 --> 00:47:52,787
“Not everyone has to have children,
for Christ's sake.
606
00:47:52,912 --> 00:47:55,506
“He didn't have any
and I should know.
607
00:47:55,623 --> 00:47:58,968
“If you really feel you have to have
children, then make sure
608
00:47:59,085 --> 00:48:03,135
“that, as parents, you have no more
than you can properly look after.
609
00:48:03,255 --> 00:48:06,099
“L exhort you to be empathetic,
610
00:48:06,217 --> 00:48:09,687
"be splendid,
be aware of your own ignorance,"
611
00:48:09,804 --> 00:48:13,229
“and, as always, beware of those
who claim to lead you
612
00:48:13,349 --> 00:48:16,273
“to better self-knowledge
by taking your money.
613
00:48:17,311 --> 00:48:20,155
"Must finish now
as I have to catch the post."
614
00:48:20,272 --> 00:48:22,991
"Lots of love, P.
Kiss, kiss, kiss."
615
00:48:37,790 --> 00:48:41,966
# Socrates himself
ls particularly missed.
616
00:48:49,802 --> 00:48:53,022
Mr Chapman.
Two minutes till act two, Mr Chapman.
617
00:48:53,139 --> 00:48:56,268
Full of gin and the feeling
of superiority over mortals
618
00:48:56,392 --> 00:48:58,520
which commonly afflicts the adulated,
619
00:48:58,644 --> 00:49:02,365
I'd reached my zenith in a naughty
and to this day illegal act
620
00:49:02,481 --> 00:49:04,575
upon the floor
of an empty dressing room.
621
00:49:04,692 --> 00:49:09,198
# Sit on my face
And tell me that you love me
622
00:49:09,321 --> 00:49:13,292
# I'll sit on your face
And tell you I love you
623
00:49:13,409 --> 00:49:16,834
# I love to hear you oralise
624
00:49:16,954 --> 00:49:20,709
# When I'm between your thighs
You blow me away
625
00:49:20,833 --> 00:49:25,259
# Sit on my face
And let my lips embrace you
626
00:49:25,379 --> 00:49:29,600
# I'll sit on your face
And then I'll love you truly
627
00:49:29,717 --> 00:49:33,187
# Life can be fine
If we both 69
628
00:49:33,304 --> 00:49:35,398
# If we sit on our faces
In all sorts of places
629
00:49:35,514 --> 00:49:39,940
# And play till we're blown away.
630
00:49:42,104 --> 00:49:44,607
What kind of a fellow
is Monty Python, by the way?
631
00:49:44,732 --> 00:49:49,659
He's black.
Black and he's homosexual.
632
00:49:49,778 --> 00:49:53,703
That's all you can say about him, really.
He's a pretty easy person to sum up.
633
00:49:59,747 --> 00:50:02,250
Good grief.
There's no one to go to bed with.
634
00:50:02,374 --> 00:50:06,129
Where are all the young men around
here? This is absolutely dreadful.
635
00:50:09,757 --> 00:50:11,430
Ta-da!
636
00:50:11,550 --> 00:50:13,393
Oh, all right.
637
00:50:15,513 --> 00:50:18,892
Sit on my face
And tell me that you love me.
638
00:50:19,016 --> 00:50:21,690
Could you try
and keep the noise down!
639
00:50:23,687 --> 00:50:25,405
Knock it off!
640
00:50:30,152 --> 00:50:32,154
Be quiet!
641
00:50:35,616 --> 00:50:38,495
# Sit on my face, mama
642
00:50:38,619 --> 00:50:42,419
# Sit on my face Baby, baby.
643
00:50:46,126 --> 00:50:49,926
# Sit on my face
# In all sorts of places
644
00:50:50,047 --> 00:50:53,802
# Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
645
00:50:54,718 --> 00:50:56,846
What's it like being a film star?
646
00:50:56,971 --> 00:51:00,692
I'm not. I'm just an extra.
647
00:51:00,808 --> 00:51:03,061
- You're just an extra?
- Yes.
648
00:51:03,185 --> 00:51:05,529
It's the crown and this that probably...
649
00:51:05,646 --> 00:51:07,774
Yeah, I was looking for Graham Fink.
650
00:51:07,898 --> 00:51:09,900
Ah, yes. He's around somewhere.
651
00:51:12,444 --> 00:51:16,165
Sit on my face
Come on, baby
652
00:51:16,282 --> 00:51:19,957
# Let my lips embrace
653
00:51:20,077 --> 00:51:25,629
# Tell me that you love me
654
00:51:32,339 --> 00:51:36,389
# Sit on my face
And tell me that you love me
655
00:51:36,510 --> 00:51:39,935
# I'll sit on your face
And tell you I love you too
656
00:51:40,055 --> 00:51:43,480
# I love to hear you oralise
657
00:51:43,601 --> 00:51:46,980
# When I'm between your thighs
You blow me away
658
00:51:47,104 --> 00:51:51,029
# Sit on my face
and let my lips embrace you
659
00:51:51,150 --> 00:51:54,825
# I'll sit on your face
And then I'll love you truly
660
00:51:54,945 --> 00:51:58,040
# Life can be fine
If we both 69
661
00:51:58,157 --> 00:52:00,285
# If we sit on our faces
In all sorts of places
662
00:52:00,409 --> 00:52:06,416
# And play till we're blown away #
663
00:52:42,951 --> 00:52:45,579
Good afternoon.
Beverly Hills Hotel reception.
664
00:52:45,704 --> 00:52:47,877
Ugh! Los Angeles.
665
00:52:47,998 --> 00:52:51,969
Up, down. Up, down.
666
00:52:54,546 --> 00:52:58,346
Up, down. Up, down.
667
00:52:58,467 --> 00:53:00,686
Up, down.
668
00:53:23,367 --> 00:53:26,166
- Hi!
- Hi.
669
00:53:26,286 --> 00:53:29,540
Oh! Ain't You that guy?
670
00:53:29,665 --> 00:53:33,295
I'm so thrilled to meet you!
671
00:53:33,419 --> 00:53:37,720
I love your Monty Python.
672
00:53:37,840 --> 00:53:41,344
- Shall we go up to my room?
- Sure!
673
00:53:55,566 --> 00:53:59,821
Ah. There. You enjoying that?
674
00:53:59,945 --> 00:54:02,915
Ooh, yeah. Do you feel that?
675
00:54:03,031 --> 00:54:05,033
I feel that.
676
00:54:05,159 --> 00:54:08,333
Just get right in there.
677
00:54:15,002 --> 00:54:16,845
Bye, Graham.
678
00:54:16,962 --> 00:54:20,557
Oh, and do say hello to Monty
for me.
679
00:54:20,674 --> 00:54:23,518
Tell him I'm his biggest fan!
680
00:54:28,807 --> 00:54:31,105
That was fun. Zoom.
681
00:54:36,648 --> 00:54:39,026
Um, excuse me.
682
00:54:39,151 --> 00:54:41,574
Is there a telephone around here
I can use?
683
00:54:41,695 --> 00:54:44,665
Sure. Use the one in my room.
684
00:54:44,782 --> 00:54:47,831
But it's my mother
who needs to use the phone.
685
00:54:47,951 --> 00:54:51,831
Well, bring her up too.
I don't mind if it's a local call.
686
00:54:54,666 --> 00:54:57,920
Ooh, aah.
687
00:54:58,045 --> 00:55:00,093
Do that to me. Ooh.
688
00:55:00,214 --> 00:55:02,512
If it's an order, old guillemot.
689
00:55:02,633 --> 00:55:05,637
Ooh, big boy. Mm.
690
00:55:05,761 --> 00:55:08,184
Aah! Touch me here.
691
00:55:08,305 --> 00:55:11,024
Oh, my God. Do it to me there!
692
00:55:11,141 --> 00:55:14,236
- Right-o. Here it comes.
- Ooh! Right there.
693
00:55:14,353 --> 00:55:16,606
Oh, my God. Yes!
694
00:55:16,730 --> 00:55:18,983
Oh, do that to me! Ooh!
695
00:55:19,107 --> 00:55:22,611
Big boy! Oh, my God! Oh, yeah.
696
00:55:24,822 --> 00:55:27,291
Yes! Oh, my Gad!
697
00:55:27,407 --> 00:55:29,501
You, in fact, were more than...
698
00:55:29,618 --> 00:55:32,622
...drunk on one occasion.
You were in fact an alcoholic.
699
00:55:32,746 --> 00:55:34,714
Yes, I did a lot of drinking.
700
00:55:34,832 --> 00:55:37,551
- A great deal indeed, Michael.
- You were an alcoholic?
701
00:55:37,668 --> 00:55:41,343
You can safely say
I did do a very great deal.
702
00:55:41,463 --> 00:55:45,184
And how much at your peak,
so to speak, were you drinking?
703
00:55:45,300 --> 00:55:47,849
Four pints of gin a day.
704
00:55:47,970 --> 00:55:49,938
Four pints of gin a day?
705
00:55:50,055 --> 00:55:53,025
I didn't know Graham was an alcoholic.
Did you?
706
00:55:53,141 --> 00:55:55,860
Why was that, do you think?
707
00:55:55,978 --> 00:56:00,154
I think... I don't know, really,
the answer to that.
708
00:56:00,274 --> 00:56:04,575
Deep inside I think actually
that I was insecure.
709
00:56:04,695 --> 00:56:09,326
I didn't really feel that I'd deserved
the success that I'd achieved.
710
00:56:09,449 --> 00:56:12,202
How difficult was it?
711
00:56:12,327 --> 00:56:16,503
Actually, once the decision had been
made, once I decided to stop,
712
00:56:16,623 --> 00:56:21,504
it was easy, except for the three days
of unpleasantness.
713
00:56:28,677 --> 00:56:31,601
Oh, get on with it.
714
00:57:35,911 --> 00:57:40,542
Graham? Are you all right?
You look a bit pale.
715
00:57:40,666 --> 00:57:43,966
Would you like a cup of tea
and maybe a bit of toast?
716
00:57:44,086 --> 00:57:47,556
- With a nice poached egg on top?
- No. I'm... I'll...
717
00:57:47,673 --> 00:57:51,849
J-just a... m-moment.
718
00:57:51,969 --> 00:57:56,145
Later. I'll get up, be fine.
719
00:57:56,264 --> 00:57:59,985
- Uh, Vichy water?
- N... Yes, yes.
720
00:58:07,484 --> 00:58:11,614
- Da-David, the curtains.
- Sorry.
721
00:58:55,282 --> 00:58:58,957
Silent night
722
00:58:59,077 --> 00:59:02,707
# Holy night
723
00:59:02,831 --> 00:59:05,584
# All is calm.
724
00:59:05,709 --> 00:59:07,086
There.
725
00:59:07,210 --> 00:59:09,383
# All is bright.
726
00:59:14,801 --> 00:59:17,020
Introducing, ladies and gentlemen,
tonight,
727
00:59:17,137 --> 00:59:22,610
all the way from a mud-wrestling tour
of the OPEC countries,
728
00:59:22,726 --> 00:59:26,526
in the red corner,
Colin "Bomber" Harris!
729
00:59:28,065 --> 00:59:32,821
And, ladies and gentlemen, in the blue
corner, Colin "Bomber" Harris!
730
00:59:35,405 --> 00:59:38,249
Well now, ladies and gentlemen,
this is the first time
731
00:59:38,366 --> 00:59:41,791
that Colin "Bomber" Harris
has met himself.
732
00:59:41,912 --> 00:59:44,791
A few formalities
and we'll be ready for round one.
733
00:59:44,915 --> 00:59:46,758
There goes the bell.
734
00:59:47,584 --> 00:59:50,007
He just made it to the rope!
735
00:59:50,128 --> 00:59:53,723
Colin moves to the middle of the ring.
He's looking for an opening.
736
00:59:53,840 --> 00:59:56,468
Going for the hand hold.
He's got it.
737
00:59:56,593 --> 00:59:58,721
Into the head squeeze.
738
01:00:00,305 --> 01:00:04,185
A favourite move of Colin's.
Fine there.
739
01:00:04,309 --> 01:00:07,188
Double overhead nostril.
Should be able to twist out of this.
740
01:00:07,312 --> 01:00:08,985
And he does!
741
01:00:09,106 --> 01:00:12,781
A lovely move there!
742
01:00:12,901 --> 01:00:17,122
Colin must be pleased with himself,
having pulled himself out of that one.
743
01:00:18,740 --> 01:00:21,664
The strawberry whip!
A vanilla whip!
744
01:00:21,785 --> 01:00:25,506
Chocolate whip! There it is.
745
01:00:25,622 --> 01:00:28,421
Colin's most famous whip.
And there it is.
746
01:00:28,542 --> 01:00:31,546
He just got a little lucky, though.
747
01:00:31,670 --> 01:00:33,968
A double Eydie Gormé.
There it is.
748
01:00:34,089 --> 01:00:38,265
Colin's most famous hold!
The one-leg-over-shoulder Jerry Ford!
749
01:00:38,385 --> 01:00:41,889
And he's caught himself there
and Colin's in real trouble!
750
01:00:43,098 --> 01:00:45,772
And Colin did not like that
one little bit!
751
01:00:48,103 --> 01:00:52,574
Double overhead back-kick and Colin
must be pretty pleased with himself.
752
01:00:52,691 --> 01:00:56,161
A lovely move there!
He's caught himself by surprise!
753
01:00:56,278 --> 01:00:59,908
And into the crayfish.
No, it's a crawfish.
754
01:01:00,031 --> 01:01:02,159
And Colin bit himself on purpose there
755
01:01:02,284 --> 01:01:05,254
and has been given a public warning
by the referee.
756
01:01:18,133 --> 01:01:21,103
Look, you stupid bastard,
you've got no arms left.
757
01:01:21,219 --> 01:01:23,688
He's looking pretty ruggy.
And that is it!
758
01:01:23,805 --> 01:01:26,228
Colin "Bomber" Harris
has knocked himself out
759
01:01:26,349 --> 01:01:29,398
and so he is the winner
and he goes on next week
760
01:01:29,519 --> 01:01:32,068
to meet himself in the final.
761
01:01:43,617 --> 01:01:47,872
- Graham, you're an alcoholic.
- Uh, yes.
762
01:01:47,996 --> 01:01:50,840
- Do you want not to be?
- Yes.
763
01:01:50,957 --> 01:01:53,380
Right. We'll start the treatment.
764
01:01:53,501 --> 01:01:56,050
Your liver function tests are appalling.
765
01:01:56,171 --> 01:02:00,096
Ten times over the acceptable norm
of the gamma GTP, for instance.
766
01:02:00,217 --> 01:02:04,438
But there's no sign of enlargement
and, with a bit of luck,
767
01:02:04,554 --> 01:02:07,728
there's a chance you may not
have damaged your liver permanently.
768
01:02:07,849 --> 01:02:10,693
We'll phase out the Heminevrin
and Valium gradually
769
01:02:10,810 --> 01:02:15,657
and you can take an abstem tablet
in the morning and one in the evening,
770
01:02:15,774 --> 01:02:17,776
so that if you drink any alcohol,
771
01:02:17,901 --> 01:02:21,030
you'll feel as ill as you were
five days ago.
772
01:02:21,154 --> 01:02:23,407
It's up to you whether you drink or not.
773
01:02:23,531 --> 01:02:26,159
It's your liver.
It's your life.
774
01:02:31,790 --> 01:02:35,636
Oh, dear puss, London is far behind us.
What shall we do now?
775
01:02:35,752 --> 01:02:38,722
- Meow.
- What's that? Sing a song?
776
01:02:38,838 --> 01:02:42,263
- Meow.
- What, now? For all the children?
777
01:02:42,384 --> 01:02:45,888
- Meow.
- Shall we sing a song, children?
778
01:02:50,100 --> 01:02:54,276
# Of all the organs the body contains
The liver's the one for me
779
01:02:54,396 --> 01:02:56,273
# It processes food
It deals with the waste
780
01:02:56,398 --> 01:02:58,821
# It's cleverer than a knee
781
01:02:58,942 --> 01:03:02,697
# When it throws up its hands at alcohol
and makes you extremely ill
782
01:03:02,821 --> 01:03:04,869
# It's best to take heed
You're not being a weed
783
01:03:04,990 --> 01:03:07,743
# You're just being sensible.
784
01:03:12,914 --> 01:03:15,417
You've only got two stations.
785
01:03:15,542 --> 01:03:19,342
I bought Marylebone from you
last time you landed on Graham's hotel.
786
01:03:19,462 --> 01:03:21,965
- I'll give you the waterworks.
- I don't want it.
787
01:03:22,090 --> 01:03:25,185
Perhaps Graham does. Graham?
Do you want the waterworks?
788
01:03:25,302 --> 01:03:27,646
- No, I'll buy the camelopard.
- What?
789
01:03:27,762 --> 01:03:31,312
It's a camel that looked like a leopard.
A giraffe.
790
01:03:31,433 --> 01:03:33,856
He's gone again.
791
01:03:33,977 --> 01:03:36,150
Oh, Graham.
792
01:03:36,271 --> 01:03:40,367
# It's Christmas in heaven
793
01:03:40,483 --> 01:03:42,451
# Snow falls from the sky.
794
01:03:42,569 --> 01:03:46,324
Do you know, last time I was in Paris,
I really did ring John-Paul Sartre.
795
01:03:46,448 --> 01:03:48,450
Sigmund de Bouvier
answered the phone
796
01:03:48,575 --> 01:03:52,580
and said that he was out distributing
leaflets. Or was that a sketch?
797
01:03:59,461 --> 01:04:02,886
# It's Christmas in heaven
798
01:04:03,006 --> 01:04:05,759
# There's great films on TV.
799
01:04:08,386 --> 01:04:10,809
Do I talk here?
800
01:04:10,930 --> 01:04:13,433
No, Graham.
That's the table lamp.
801
01:04:13,558 --> 01:04:17,028
- The microphone's on your right.
- Right. Good.
802
01:04:17,145 --> 01:04:18,522
Take 59.
803
01:04:18,646 --> 01:04:21,149
You bastards!
We've been planning this for months!
804
01:04:21,274 --> 01:04:23,652
Well, tough titty for you, fish-face.
805
01:04:23,777 --> 01:04:26,906
The raid backfires. Brian is captured
and all the rest are killed.
806
01:04:27,030 --> 01:04:29,249
Brian, beaten, bruised and bleeding,
807
01:04:29,366 --> 01:04:32,370
is thrown into Pilate's
darkest stinking dungeon.
808
01:04:32,494 --> 01:04:35,293
That was marvellous. Let's move on.
809
01:04:38,958 --> 01:04:41,552
Oh, you lucky bastard.
810
01:04:43,880 --> 01:04:46,178
Brian is on the run from the Romans
811
01:04:46,299 --> 01:04:48,518
and to avoid capture
pretends to be a lobster.
812
01:04:48,635 --> 01:04:51,263
Sorry, Graham.
We had a rogue lobster in there.
813
01:04:51,388 --> 01:04:53,641
Oh, I'm sorry about that.
Are we ready?
814
01:04:53,765 --> 01:04:56,359
Brian trailer, take 60.
815
01:04:56,476 --> 01:04:59,730
Brian is on the run from the Romans
and to avoid lobster...
816
01:04:59,854 --> 01:05:02,653
We seem to have a colony
of lobsters in there, Graham.
817
01:05:02,774 --> 01:05:04,617
- Well, all right.
- Take 61.
818
01:05:04,734 --> 01:05:08,238
Brian is on the run from the Romans
and to avoid capture pretends to lob...
819
01:05:08,363 --> 01:05:11,037
Let's start it again. Sorry.
820
01:05:11,157 --> 01:05:13,660
- Let's move on.
- It's certainly clean.
821
01:05:14,661 --> 01:05:16,004
An unbeliever!
822
01:05:18,623 --> 01:05:21,217
Kill the heretic!
823
01:05:24,963 --> 01:05:28,217
Leave him alone!
Leave him alone!
824
01:05:28,341 --> 01:05:32,847
Brian escapes from the crowd
and goes home with Judith.
825
01:05:32,971 --> 01:05:35,815
Alone together at last,
the two rush naked at each other
826
01:05:35,932 --> 01:05:38,230
and meet in a frenzy
of darting tongues...
827
01:05:38,351 --> 01:05:40,900
Sorry, Graham.
That bit's been cut.
828
01:05:41,020 --> 01:05:43,193
- All of it, I'm afraid.
- Even this bit here?
829
01:05:43,314 --> 01:05:46,488
Yes. The boys loved the lobster idea,
so they're gonna re-shoot that bit.
830
01:05:46,609 --> 01:05:47,952
Oh.
831
01:05:48,069 --> 01:05:50,822
OK, next bit, Graham, please.
Take 62.
832
01:05:50,947 --> 01:05:54,201
You're fucking nicked, me old beauty!
833
01:05:54,325 --> 01:05:58,671
Brian is arrested and taken before Pilate,
where he is sentenced to be crucified.
834
01:05:58,788 --> 01:06:00,836
Could we try one a little lighter, please?
835
01:06:00,957 --> 01:06:03,881
Brian is arrested
and taken before Pilate,
836
01:06:04,002 --> 01:06:08,223
where he's sentenced to be...
to be crucified.
837
01:06:08,339 --> 01:06:10,888
- Yes, I think that's a little too light.
- What shall I try?
838
01:06:11,009 --> 01:06:14,513
We'll use the take before.
We'll be able to make all that work.
839
01:06:14,637 --> 01:06:17,186
- Thanks for coming in.
- That's it, is it?
840
01:06:17,307 --> 01:06:20,561
Yes, that's it. If you want to collect
your 30 pounds on the way out.
841
01:06:20,685 --> 01:06:22,403
Yeah. 30 pounds.
842
01:06:22,520 --> 01:06:25,774
Yes, well, uh...
843
01:06:27,692 --> 01:06:32,448
I was led to believe that probably
it might be a little, um...
844
01:06:32,572 --> 01:06:36,873
Yes, look. It's not a big budget movie,
you know.
845
01:06:36,993 --> 01:06:39,872
We'll have a whip round
and see what loose change we've got
846
01:06:39,996 --> 01:06:42,840
and we should be able to give you
another two pounds.
847
01:06:42,957 --> 01:06:44,880
All right, yes.
848
01:06:45,001 --> 01:06:47,345
Goodbye.
849
01:07:11,778 --> 01:07:16,249
Will you please welcome hard-working
mother of one, Graham Chapman.
850
01:07:17,534 --> 01:07:19,628
Who's mummy's little baby?
851
01:07:24,165 --> 01:07:27,715
- How beautifully you are clad.
- And so are you.
852
01:07:27,835 --> 01:07:30,679
- You're still butch, aren't you?
- Oh, yeah.
853
01:07:30,797 --> 01:07:35,553
Even though you go about telling people
who haven't asked that you're gay.
854
01:07:35,677 --> 01:07:36,724
Yes.
855
01:07:36,844 --> 01:07:39,267
No! On, no!
856
01:07:44,060 --> 01:07:47,735
Graham, please don't tell your father.
It'll kill him.
857
01:07:47,855 --> 01:07:51,405
- Of course it won't kill him.
- It will! It'll kill him!
858
01:07:52,694 --> 01:07:54,287
Of course it won't. Shut up.
859
01:07:54,404 --> 01:07:58,409
Never mind.
Let's go on to your manifesto.
860
01:07:58,533 --> 01:08:01,662
You said that you would like to state
quite clearly
861
01:08:01,786 --> 01:08:06,166
that sex is nothing more than a way
in which two or more people
862
01:08:06,291 --> 01:08:09,966
can have lots of harmless, cheap fun,
863
01:08:10,086 --> 01:08:14,808
provided that they are clean
and that the aim is not reproduction.
864
01:08:14,924 --> 01:08:16,050
Yes.
865
01:08:16,175 --> 01:08:19,179
Look, Graham, your mother's told me
why she's upset.
866
01:08:19,304 --> 01:08:21,147
Don't worry about it.
867
01:08:21,264 --> 01:08:24,268
If you want to go around talking
about this stuff, it's fine.
868
01:08:24,392 --> 01:08:27,566
She just doesn't understand
these things.
869
01:08:32,692 --> 01:08:35,912
Ladies
and gentlemen, it is now two years later,
870
01:08:36,029 --> 01:08:38,999
and we'll be shortly arriving
at Los Angeles airport.
871
01:08:39,115 --> 01:08:43,461
Would you please extinguish all
cigarettes and fasten your safety belts.
872
01:09:34,337 --> 01:09:37,261
Hmm. This is the place.
873
01:09:40,385 --> 01:09:42,854
Come on. Open the door.
874
01:09:45,181 --> 01:09:49,231
Hello. Starlight emergency
24-hour luxury door-opening service.
875
01:09:49,352 --> 01:09:51,446
Opening doors to the stars.
876
01:09:51,562 --> 01:09:55,658
Yes. We need someone here
straightaway to open our door.
877
01:09:56,734 --> 01:10:00,455
It's account number 2248.
878
01:10:05,660 --> 01:10:07,207
Hi!
879
01:10:12,625 --> 01:10:14,377
Thank you, thank you.
880
01:10:14,502 --> 01:10:19,008
Now, grip the teat
and whet the micro-tome.
881
01:10:19,132 --> 01:10:21,134
If tea party there be,
882
01:10:21,259 --> 01:10:25,309
let cucumber be slivered
to the thinnest with precision
883
01:10:25,430 --> 01:10:29,981
and pressed twixt finest slices
of good bread.
884
01:10:41,404 --> 01:10:43,498
Bravo! Bravo!
885
01:10:55,251 --> 01:10:57,504
Graham, isn't that George Lazenby
over there,
886
01:10:57,628 --> 01:11:00,802
seen enjoying a can of specially
imported Foster's lager?
887
01:11:00,923 --> 01:11:04,223
What, you mean behind Christopher
lsherwood and Georgia Brown,
888
01:11:04,343 --> 01:11:06,937
seen there enjoying a joke
with Ian La Frenais?
889
01:11:07,054 --> 01:11:10,479
Yes, between Peter Cook, Dudley
Moore, Bo Diddley and the piano,
890
01:11:10,600 --> 01:11:13,524
all seen enjoying a brief rest
in a tight schedule.
891
01:11:15,938 --> 01:11:20,239
And who's that with the Hollywood
psychiatrist, Dr Stuart Lerner?
892
01:11:20,359 --> 01:11:23,078
It could be either Jane Seymour,
Jenny Agutter,
893
01:11:23,196 --> 01:11:26,450
Susan George, Shelly Duvall
or Victor Borge.
894
01:11:26,574 --> 01:11:30,124
- Victor Borge?
- Sorry. Did I say Victor Borge?
895
01:11:30,244 --> 01:11:32,747
Only, I also thought I caught sight
of Victor Borge
896
01:11:32,872 --> 01:11:35,876
"enjoying a quiet word
with Charlton “Chuck" Heston
897
01:11:36,000 --> 01:11:38,173
and screenwriter companion Alan Katz.
898
01:11:38,294 --> 01:11:40,888
Yes, but who's the girl
with Stuart Lerner?
899
01:11:41,005 --> 01:11:44,680
Hmm. Ah! That's Sylvia Kristel.
900
01:11:44,801 --> 01:11:46,974
Good God!
901
01:11:47,094 --> 01:11:50,564
Graham, do you realise
that in the last few minutes alone,
902
01:11:50,681 --> 01:11:53,855
you've dropped no less than 17
famous names?
903
01:11:53,976 --> 01:11:57,401
Have I? I didn't intend to.
I just happen to know these people.
904
01:11:57,522 --> 01:12:00,822
They're friends of mine.
Uh, they live here.
905
01:12:00,942 --> 01:12:04,162
I want you to repeat
what you've just said to yourself
906
01:12:04,278 --> 01:12:07,202
and think about it as a medical man.
907
01:12:07,323 --> 01:12:09,701
- You mean I've got...
- Yes.
908
01:12:09,826 --> 01:12:14,332
Niven-ism. It's a common enough
complication of angelitis.
909
01:12:14,455 --> 01:12:16,958
It's an endemic autobiographical
complaint
910
01:12:17,083 --> 01:12:22,806
whereby people live vicariously
through the fame of other people.
911
01:12:22,922 --> 01:12:24,799
Ahh.
912
01:12:28,261 --> 01:12:32,016
It was, coincidentally,
David Frost's 40th birthday party,
913
01:12:32,139 --> 01:12:34,141
his third that afternoon,
914
01:12:34,267 --> 01:12:37,316
and I'd promised to try and look in
for a moment or two.
915
01:12:41,482 --> 01:12:43,450
Super!
916
01:12:43,568 --> 01:12:46,321
Super, super. Super!
917
01:12:52,702 --> 01:12:55,000
Really super.
918
01:12:55,121 --> 01:12:58,295
# Happy birthday
919
01:12:58,416 --> 01:13:01,295
# Dear... David Frost!
920
01:13:01,419 --> 01:13:03,797
Super!
921
01:13:03,921 --> 01:13:06,140
# We think you're swell
922
01:13:06,257 --> 01:13:09,887
# You've achieved so much
923
01:13:10,011 --> 01:13:14,187
# And done so well
924
01:13:14,307 --> 01:13:18,813
# That everybody here agrees
You deserve more OBEs
925
01:13:18,936 --> 01:13:21,314
# And that was the message
That was.
926
01:13:24,108 --> 01:13:27,237
Super, super, super. Super.
927
01:13:27,361 --> 01:13:29,238
Super.
928
01:13:31,824 --> 01:13:34,953
On the way out,
I consoled an agitated Rod Stewart,
929
01:13:35,077 --> 01:13:37,956
who unfortunately had had to come
to the party in person.
930
01:13:38,080 --> 01:13:40,082
He'd got married that morning
931
01:13:40,207 --> 01:13:43,211
and the blow-ups of the happy couple
could not be processed in time.
932
01:14:10,237 --> 01:14:13,616
- Hello, Keith.
- Hello, Graham. What do you want?
933
01:14:13,741 --> 01:14:15,994
Would you like to come to a party
at my place later?
934
01:14:16,118 --> 01:14:18,837
- I think I'm already at one.
- George said he'd drop by.
935
01:14:18,955 --> 01:14:22,255
- And Harry and Richard will be there.
- Can I bring Mick and Ronnie?
936
01:14:22,375 --> 01:14:25,049
- All right. See you later.
- And Pete and Ringo?
937
01:14:25,169 --> 01:14:29,766
Sure. See you later. I'm just gonna
nip off down through Boys Town.
938
01:14:29,882 --> 01:14:32,886
- I want to pick up some zoom.
- I'll bet that's not all.
939
01:14:35,805 --> 01:14:40,561
Graham, you must face up
to this name-dropping problem.
940
01:14:40,685 --> 01:14:45,361
- What should I do? Move to Finland?
- You'll just have to sweat it out.
941
01:14:45,481 --> 01:14:48,030
Isn't there anything I can do
to speed up my recovery?
942
01:14:48,150 --> 01:14:51,700
There is, but it isn't going
to be pleasant, I'm afraid.
943
01:14:51,821 --> 01:14:53,539
Revulsion therapy.
944
01:14:53,656 --> 01:14:58,662
I'm going to prescribe an intensive
course of Hollywood parties for you.
945
01:14:58,786 --> 01:15:01,289
It's your only hope.
946
01:15:22,018 --> 01:15:24,237
Hello, Graham.
947
01:15:33,571 --> 01:15:36,541
Is that young lady all right over there?
948
01:15:36,657 --> 01:15:39,786
It's working, Graham.
Stick with it.
949
01:16:12,401 --> 01:16:15,621
Good evening, Mr Chapman.
I am Jose.
950
01:16:15,738 --> 01:16:20,335
I'll be your star to bed tucker-inner
to the stars this evening.
951
01:16:20,451 --> 01:16:22,374
Jolly good.
952
01:16:27,792 --> 01:16:30,295
I had slipped
into a state of inertia.
953
01:16:30,419 --> 01:16:33,047
All further activities seemed pointless.
954
01:16:33,172 --> 01:16:35,595
I decided to have a farewell party.
955
01:16:36,258 --> 01:16:39,057
David made the cucumber sandwiches
956
01:16:39,178 --> 01:16:41,306
and I slipped out in my beige spacesuit
957
01:16:41,430 --> 01:16:44,104
to see if the others
would be prepared to pop along.
958
01:16:44,225 --> 01:16:46,353
I stepped up nimbly through the air lock
959
01:16:46,477 --> 01:16:50,152
and deftly percolated past Elton John's
piano-shaped moon buggy.
960
01:16:50,272 --> 01:16:53,651
He was obviously entertaining
David Bowie and Ken Liberace,
961
01:16:53,776 --> 01:16:55,995
so I passed on.
962
01:16:57,488 --> 01:17:00,833
I knew the next space vehicle
was occupied for an at-home evening
963
01:17:00,950 --> 01:17:04,580
by David Hockney and Alan Bennett,
comparing the size of their accents.
964
01:17:04,703 --> 01:17:06,626
Custard cream, David?
965
01:17:06,747 --> 01:17:09,967
Just a weak Darjeeling, please, Alan.
966
01:17:10,084 --> 01:17:12,132
So I didn't bother with them.
967
01:17:18,092 --> 01:17:20,345
- Can you come to our party?
- No!
968
01:17:20,511 --> 01:17:24,812
And I have got to do
the hoovering!
969
01:17:37,736 --> 01:17:40,205
- Can you come to our party?
- Sorry, Gray.
970
01:17:40,322 --> 01:17:42,871
Diary's absolutely chock-a-block.
971
01:18:01,468 --> 01:18:04,972
“Here lies Oscar Fingal
O'Flahertie Wilde.
972
01:18:05,097 --> 01:18:07,065
"“Gone out for good."
973
01:18:22,114 --> 01:18:24,162
Can you come to our party?
974
01:18:33,042 --> 01:18:35,795
There is a time
in the affairs of greed,
975
01:18:35,920 --> 01:18:38,514
which, taken at the kludge,
leads on to brutalness.
976
01:18:38,631 --> 01:18:42,807
A man is not a wasp,
nor Dilsseldorf built in a day.
977
01:18:42,927 --> 01:18:47,103
Damon Runyan had a bunion.
For all, they say, hey I.
978
01:18:47,223 --> 01:18:49,100
What's that supposed to mean?
979
01:18:49,225 --> 01:18:53,401
My heart bakes.
A drowsy numbness fills my...
980
01:18:53,520 --> 01:18:55,739
Let it be. Let it be.
981
01:18:57,066 --> 01:19:00,866
Oh, come on, Wilde.
What does that mean?
982
01:19:00,986 --> 01:19:04,160
It means, your Majesty, it means...
983
01:19:11,789 --> 01:19:15,043
Learn your lines.
You had us waiting for hours.
984
01:19:15,167 --> 01:19:17,386
I didn't think anyone noticed.
985
01:19:17,503 --> 01:19:19,756
No, I suppose they didn't.
986
01:19:19,880 --> 01:19:21,132
The end.
987
01:19:27,513 --> 01:19:32,189
Graham Chapman,
co-author of the parrot sketch,
988
01:19:32,309 --> 01:19:35,734
is no more.
He has ceased to be.
989
01:19:36,522 --> 01:19:40,368
Bereft of life, he rests in peace.
990
01:19:40,484 --> 01:19:43,658
He's kicked the bucket,
hopped the twig,
991
01:19:43,779 --> 01:19:48,080
bit the dust, snuffed it,
wheezed his last
992
01:19:48,200 --> 01:19:53,252
and gone to meet the great
Head of Light Entertainment in the sky.
993
01:19:54,540 --> 01:19:57,339
And I guess that we're all thinking
how sad it is
994
01:19:57,459 --> 01:19:59,461
that a man of such talent,
995
01:19:59,586 --> 01:20:04,808
of such capability for kindness,
996
01:20:04,925 --> 01:20:08,145
of such unusual intelligence,
997
01:20:08,262 --> 01:20:13,439
should now so suddenly be spirited
away at the age of only 48
998
01:20:13,559 --> 01:20:18,315
before he'd achieved many of the things
of which he was capable
999
01:20:18,439 --> 01:20:21,409
and before he'd had enough fun.
1000
01:20:22,985 --> 01:20:25,989
Well, I feel that I should say,
"Nonsense.
1001
01:20:26,905 --> 01:20:31,411
“Good riddance to him, the freeloading
bastard. I hope he fries."
1002
01:20:33,787 --> 01:20:36,882
And the reason I feel I should say this...
1003
01:20:38,292 --> 01:20:41,262
is he would never forgive me
if I didn't,
1004
01:20:41,378 --> 01:20:46,134
if I threw away this glorious opportunity
1005
01:20:46,258 --> 01:20:50,229
to shock you all on his behalf.
1006
01:20:50,346 --> 01:20:54,522
Anything for him
but mindless good taste.
1007
01:21:04,943 --> 01:21:09,665
# Inflammation of the foreskin
1008
01:21:09,782 --> 01:21:12,831
# Reminds me of your smile
1009
01:21:12,951 --> 01:21:17,206
# I've had ballanital chancroids
1010
01:21:17,331 --> 01:21:20,961
# For quite a little while
1011
01:21:21,085 --> 01:21:24,931
# I gave my heart to NSU
1012
01:21:25,047 --> 01:21:29,018
# That lovely night in June
1013
01:21:29,134 --> 01:21:33,731
# I ache for you, my darling
1014
01:21:33,847 --> 01:21:38,353
# And I hope you'll get well soon
1015
01:21:38,477 --> 01:21:42,152
# My penile warts
1016
01:21:42,272 --> 01:21:47,369
# Your herpes
My syphilitic sores
1017
01:21:47,486 --> 01:21:50,990
# Your monilial infection
1018
01:21:51,115 --> 01:21:54,790
# How I miss you more and more
1019
01:21:54,910 --> 01:21:58,335
# Your Dhobi's itch My scrumpox
1020
01:21:58,455 --> 01:22:01,834
# Our lovely gonorrhoea
1021
01:22:01,959 --> 01:22:05,805
# And at least we both were lying
1022
01:22:05,921 --> 01:22:09,926
# When we said that we were clear
1023
01:22:10,050 --> 01:22:13,224
# Our syphilitic kisses
1024
01:22:13,345 --> 01:22:16,690
# Sealed the secret of our tryst
1025
01:22:16,807 --> 01:22:20,311
# You gave me scrotal pustules
1026
01:22:20,436 --> 01:22:24,111
# With a quick flick of your wrist
1027
01:22:24,231 --> 01:22:27,701
# Your tricho-vaginitis
1028
01:22:27,818 --> 01:22:30,867
# Sent shivers down my spine
1029
01:22:30,988 --> 01:22:34,743
# I got snail tracks in my anus
1030
01:22:34,867 --> 01:22:38,838
# When your spirochetes met mine
1031
01:22:38,954 --> 01:22:42,754
# Gonococcal urethritis
1032
01:22:42,875 --> 01:22:46,300
# Streptococcal balanitis
1033
01:22:46,420 --> 01:22:50,015
# Meningomyelitis
1034
01:22:50,132 --> 01:22:53,602
# Diplococcal cephalitis
1035
01:22:53,719 --> 01:22:57,269
# Epididymitis
1036
01:22:57,389 --> 01:23:00,814
# Interstitial keratitis
1037
01:23:00,934 --> 01:23:04,188
# Syphilitic choroiditis
1038
01:23:04,313 --> 01:23:08,489
# And anterior uveitis
1039
01:23:10,360 --> 01:23:14,035
# Gonococcal urethritis
1040
01:23:14,156 --> 01:23:17,626
# Streptococcal balanitis
1041
01:23:17,743 --> 01:23:21,293
# Meningomyelitis
1042
01:23:21,413 --> 01:23:24,917
# Diplococcal cephalitis
1043
01:23:25,042 --> 01:23:28,592
# Epididymitis
1044
01:23:28,712 --> 01:23:32,091
# Interstitial keratitis
1045
01:23:32,216 --> 01:23:35,265
# Syphilitic choroiditis
1046
01:23:35,385 --> 01:23:41,358
# And anterior uveitis
1047
01:23:47,856 --> 01:23:53,078
# Sit on my face
And tell me that you love me
1048
01:23:53,195 --> 01:23:57,792
# I'll sit on your face
And tell you I love you too
1049
01:23:57,908 --> 01:24:02,004
# I love to hear you oralise
1050
01:24:02,120 --> 01:24:06,751
# When I'm between your thighs
You blow me away
1051
01:24:06,875 --> 01:24:11,927
# Sit on my face
And let my lips embrace you
1052
01:24:12,047 --> 01:24:16,848
# I'll sit on your face
And then I'll love you truly
1053
01:24:16,969 --> 01:24:21,270
# Life can be fine If we all 69
1054
01:24:21,390 --> 01:24:23,893
# If we sit on our faces
In all sorts of places
1055
01:24:24,017 --> 01:24:30,150
# And play till we're blown away.
1056
01:24:34,945 --> 01:24:37,243
Ooh. Terribly sorry.
87442
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