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1
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Previously on "You Me Her"...
2
00:00:04,178 --> 00:00:05,222
You sound like Mom.Yeah, well, you know Mom was
trying to help you
3
00:00:05,309 --> 00:00:06,745
the only way
she knew how, right?
4
00:00:06,832 --> 00:00:09,139
Says the guy that she refers to
as her only son.
5
00:00:09,226 --> 00:00:12,142
Little Gabe -- on point
with his sass game.
6
00:00:12,229 --> 00:00:13,535
[ Laughs ]
7
00:00:13,622 --> 00:00:16,016
Somebody put a full-price
offer on this house.
8
00:00:16,103 --> 00:00:17,887
Helen is gonna do us
a landlord solid
9
00:00:17,974 --> 00:00:19,628
and give us 72 hours
to match it.
10
00:00:19,715 --> 00:00:21,412
Gabe: Hey, are you the new girl?
I-I didn't see you come in.
11
00:00:21,499 --> 00:00:23,197
Sasha: Off Campus Guy, right?Yeah, New Girl.
12
00:00:23,284 --> 00:00:24,763
Nathan --
He's a wounded bird.
13
00:00:24,850 --> 00:00:26,983
He just needs a friend.You're test-driving him...
14
00:00:27,070 --> 00:00:29,551
Coach Remi!
Portland's official poly guru?
15
00:00:29,638 --> 00:00:32,423
If you could be any part
of your couple's home,
16
00:00:32,510 --> 00:00:33,990
what would you be and why?
17
00:00:34,077 --> 00:00:35,948
...front door.Why did you pick
the front door?
18
00:00:36,036 --> 00:00:38,603
Because I was closed
before I met Jack and Emma.
19
00:00:38,690 --> 00:00:40,344
Turns out
I needed two keys...
20
00:00:40,431 --> 00:00:45,088
to open my heart even though
it could be broken.
21
00:00:45,175 --> 00:00:46,350
So what are you exactly?
22
00:00:46,437 --> 00:00:48,439
H-He means, like,
besides stuck?
23
00:00:48,526 --> 00:00:51,355
[ Xavier & Ophelia's "Every
Sunset Has A Story" plays ]
24
00:00:51,442 --> 00:00:55,925
♪♪
25
00:00:56,012 --> 00:00:58,971
♪ A broken heart falls apart
26
00:00:59,059 --> 00:01:01,409
♪ Two lost souls in the dark
27
00:01:01,496 --> 00:01:03,150
♪ Find a way to make a change [ Clears throat ]
28
00:01:03,237 --> 00:01:04,977
♪ It shouldn't be this hard [ Clears throat harder ]
29
00:01:05,065 --> 00:01:06,283
Wakey, wakey.
30
00:01:06,370 --> 00:01:07,937
Hmm.
31
00:01:08,024 --> 00:01:09,721
Hmm.
32
00:01:09,808 --> 00:01:11,288
I was having
the best dream.
33
00:01:11,375 --> 00:01:14,204
I was onstage with TLC
in the "Waterfalls" video.
34
00:01:14,291 --> 00:01:15,814
Okay, I can't hold it
in any longer.
35
00:01:15,901 --> 00:01:16,772
Are you gonna
throw up on me?
36
00:01:16,859 --> 00:01:19,035
No.
Oh.
37
00:01:19,122 --> 00:01:21,037
But we have a surprise
for you.
38
00:01:21,124 --> 00:01:22,473
You do?
Mm-hmm.
39
00:01:22,560 --> 00:01:26,216
♪ 'Cause every sunset
has a story ♪
40
00:01:26,303 --> 00:01:27,609
Okay,
so I forgot to ask where.♪ Hey, hey, hey
41
00:01:27,696 --> 00:01:28,784
♪ It's the beginning
or the end ♪
42
00:01:28,871 --> 00:01:30,351
Did I mention
that I love surprises?
43
00:01:30,438 --> 00:01:32,396
Where is it?
Where is it?♪ Hey, hey, hey
44
00:01:33,963 --> 00:01:36,008
What do you think?
45
00:01:36,096 --> 00:01:37,749
Pretty cool, right?
46
00:01:37,836 --> 00:01:40,535
Yeah.
47
00:01:40,622 --> 00:01:41,927
Y-Yeah.
D-Definitely.
48
00:01:42,014 --> 00:01:44,016
It's that, like,
specific kind of cool
49
00:01:44,104 --> 00:01:46,715
that requires
an explanation?
50
00:01:46,802 --> 00:01:50,893
Any c--
Any --
Any color you want.
51
00:01:50,980 --> 00:01:52,547
Okay.
Yeah.
52
00:01:52,634 --> 00:01:54,026
Yeah.
53
00:01:54,114 --> 00:01:55,289
Izzy Silva --
54
00:01:55,376 --> 00:01:56,855
You're the door!Dude?
55
00:01:56,942 --> 00:01:58,248
What?You're the door...
56
00:01:58,335 --> 00:01:59,945
Yeah....opening up our lives
57
00:02:00,032 --> 00:02:02,383
in the most spectacular
and surprising ways.
58
00:02:02,470 --> 00:02:04,167
And we want the whole world
to know it.
59
00:02:04,254 --> 00:02:06,082
Yeah.
60
00:02:06,169 --> 00:02:08,345
Oh, okay.
61
00:02:10,521 --> 00:02:11,827
I love my door.
62
00:02:11,914 --> 00:02:13,568
Yes.
I love you.
63
00:02:16,875 --> 00:02:20,314
I love my door.Mm.
64
00:02:20,401 --> 00:02:21,706
Well,
that's disturbing.
65
00:02:21,793 --> 00:02:23,317
Hmm. Oh, geez.
Look at these two.
66
00:02:23,404 --> 00:02:25,884
No shame whatsoever.Aw.
Maybe their cable's out.
67
00:02:25,971 --> 00:02:27,799
Hello.
I know.
68
00:02:27,886 --> 00:02:31,107
Even there's a baby,
ooh!
69
00:02:31,194 --> 00:02:32,761
Okay. We'll go back inside now.
Relax.
70
00:02:32,848 --> 00:02:34,371
Yeah, we're gonna go inside
and do the sex now!
71
00:02:34,458 --> 00:02:36,330
So you guys
can keep walking.
72
00:02:36,417 --> 00:02:41,117
♪ A second chance
73
00:02:41,204 --> 00:02:43,554
♪ To change your mind
74
00:02:43,641 --> 00:02:48,080
Behold my door, bitches!
75
00:02:48,646 --> 00:02:51,171
[ Chuckles ]
76
00:02:53,651 --> 00:02:59,527
Behold this beautiful morning
that we're having.
77
00:03:06,098 --> 00:03:08,492
Cheerio.
78
00:03:11,103 --> 00:03:12,104
Marigold.
79
00:03:12,192 --> 00:03:13,584
Interesting choice.
80
00:03:13,671 --> 00:03:16,108
My Great Aunt Enid
used to plant marigolds.
81
00:03:16,196 --> 00:03:18,633
My mother would say,
"They're cheap and common,
82
00:03:18,720 --> 00:03:19,808
and dig in like weeds."
83
00:03:19,895 --> 00:03:21,592
Oh, my God.
She sounds nice.
84
00:03:21,679 --> 00:03:24,204
Definitely not on the long list
of HOA-approved colors.
85
00:03:24,291 --> 00:03:25,205
Ticketable offense?
86
00:03:25,292 --> 00:03:27,381
100%.
87
00:03:27,468 --> 00:03:30,384
Dun-dun-dun.
88
00:03:30,471 --> 00:03:31,646
Seemed appropriate.
Sorry.
89
00:03:31,733 --> 00:03:34,214
Let the mustache twirling
resume.
90
00:03:35,737 --> 00:03:40,655
♪♪
91
00:03:40,742 --> 00:03:43,266
So they bought you
a door.
92
00:03:43,353 --> 00:03:44,789
Mm-hmm.
93
00:03:44,876 --> 00:03:48,140
How, uh, romantic?
94
00:03:48,228 --> 00:03:50,099
It's not just a door,
okay?
95
00:03:50,186 --> 00:03:53,494
It's a beautiful bright orange
symbol of our love
96
00:03:53,581 --> 00:03:55,060
and clearly you don't get it
so shut up.
97
00:03:55,147 --> 00:03:56,584
Where'd you go?
98
00:03:56,671 --> 00:03:58,977
What? I'm being --
I'm being late. Remember?
99
00:03:59,064 --> 00:04:01,241
You wear those hideous
suburbadroid Crocs
100
00:04:01,328 --> 00:04:03,721
and, uh, I show up late
to everything all day?
101
00:04:03,808 --> 00:04:04,983
You're so annoying.
102
00:04:05,070 --> 00:04:06,550
Just come on,
you can start it after.
103
00:04:06,637 --> 00:04:08,509
Okay.
104
00:04:08,596 --> 00:04:11,076
Uh, so remind me.
105
00:04:11,163 --> 00:04:14,428
You went to a poly coach
106
00:04:14,515 --> 00:04:16,647
so you could figure out
that you are, uh...
107
00:04:16,734 --> 00:04:18,823
what was it?
108
00:04:18,910 --> 00:04:20,303
Polymonogamous.
109
00:04:20,390 --> 00:04:21,565
Polymonogamous.
110
00:04:21,652 --> 00:04:23,175
Yes.
Right.
111
00:04:23,263 --> 00:04:26,701
Now, does Coach Whatsisballs
know that he invented a word
112
00:04:26,788 --> 00:04:28,659
that contradicts itself
halfway through?
113
00:04:28,746 --> 00:04:30,966
Okay. The word
sounds stupid at first,
114
00:04:31,053 --> 00:04:32,533
but it's actually brilliant.
115
00:04:32,620 --> 00:04:34,056
Like these Crocs.Right.
116
00:04:34,143 --> 00:04:38,190
They're basically
Jack and Emma -- left, right.
117
00:04:38,278 --> 00:04:40,280
When I wear them outside
of a garden setting,
118
00:04:40,367 --> 00:04:42,456
people are very eager to tell me
that I'm doing footwear wrong.
119
00:04:42,543 --> 00:04:44,762
That's why I assigned them
to you.
120
00:04:44,849 --> 00:04:46,286
So you'd look stupid.
Shut up.
121
00:04:46,373 --> 00:04:47,678
Anyway,
here's the thing,
122
00:04:47,765 --> 00:04:50,812
is they start to feel
really good, like --
123
00:04:50,899 --> 00:04:54,946
like my feet have a special
secret, but the world insists
124
00:04:55,033 --> 00:04:57,079
"they don't make sense
as an everyday shoe."
125
00:04:57,166 --> 00:04:58,646
So you buckle
under the pressure
126
00:04:58,733 --> 00:05:03,041
and you try something a little
cooler, a little younger.
127
00:05:03,128 --> 00:05:06,001
Um, and...?
128
00:05:06,088 --> 00:05:08,960
And people say that they make
your calves look great
129
00:05:09,047 --> 00:05:10,788
but it's too late,
130
00:05:10,875 --> 00:05:13,313
'cause you've already fallen in
love with these goofy-ass Crocs.
131
00:05:13,400 --> 00:05:17,839
In fact, you feel bad
you ever doubted them.
132
00:05:17,926 --> 00:05:20,276
Wow!
Right?
133
00:05:20,363 --> 00:05:22,060
Anyway, today is officially
134
00:05:22,147 --> 00:05:25,020
"Inappropriate Day Drinking...
Day."
135
00:05:25,107 --> 00:05:26,848
There has to be a better way
to say that, right?
136
00:05:26,935 --> 00:05:28,240
Well, we're gonna
have to postpone.
137
00:05:28,328 --> 00:05:29,720
Why?Well, aside from the fact
138
00:05:29,807 --> 00:05:31,461
that I'm a high-school
vice principal...
139
00:05:31,548 --> 00:05:34,856
Oh, please....uh, and that's never
gonna happen,
140
00:05:34,943 --> 00:05:37,728
I have a date.
141
00:05:37,815 --> 00:05:38,947
Cool.
Yeah.
142
00:05:39,034 --> 00:05:41,428
Cool.Yeah, it is pretty cool.
143
00:05:41,515 --> 00:05:45,475
Oh, hold on
just a second.
144
00:05:45,562 --> 00:05:48,304
Oh!
Uh, speak of the devil.
145
00:05:48,391 --> 00:05:52,395
The tall, blonde,
gorgeous devil.
146
00:05:52,482 --> 00:05:54,919
Okay.
147
00:05:55,006 --> 00:05:56,617
Yeah.
I got to -- I got to take this.
148
00:05:56,704 --> 00:05:59,054
Sure.
149
00:05:59,141 --> 00:06:00,447
So...
150
00:06:00,534 --> 00:06:01,622
Oh. You want me to go.
I'm sorry.
151
00:06:01,709 --> 00:06:02,884
I'm so sorry.
Yeah.
152
00:06:02,971 --> 00:06:04,364
I'll --
I'll catch up.
153
00:06:04,451 --> 00:06:06,061
So I'll --
I'll see you at lunch?
154
00:06:06,148 --> 00:06:08,759
I've got to rain check
'cause I'm super slammed.
155
00:06:08,846 --> 00:06:10,457
But, um, later?
156
00:06:10,544 --> 00:06:11,936
Yeah, it's all good.Sorry.
157
00:06:12,023 --> 00:06:14,286
All good.
158
00:06:14,374 --> 00:06:16,332
Hey, you.
159
00:06:19,248 --> 00:06:21,337
Jack: Honey, real-estate shit
is always complicated.
160
00:06:21,424 --> 00:06:22,991
Okay?
Don't let it ruin our mojo.
161
00:06:23,078 --> 00:06:24,514
Yeah, well, how dare the bank
tell us
162
00:06:24,601 --> 00:06:26,168
over an e-mail
to find more money, you know?
163
00:06:26,255 --> 00:06:28,126
If they want to ass ram us,
they can do it to our faces.
164
00:06:28,213 --> 00:06:29,563
Huh?
Hmm.
165
00:06:29,650 --> 00:06:31,129
Well, seems like you and I
are gonna have to have
166
00:06:31,216 --> 00:06:33,958
a very long discussion
about human anatomy.
167
00:06:34,045 --> 00:06:35,917
Over waffles,
perhaps?
168
00:06:36,004 --> 00:06:38,441
With caramel sauce?Okay.
169
00:06:38,528 --> 00:06:41,009
And pickles, please.Wow.
170
00:06:41,096 --> 00:06:42,489
It's amazing that that
doesn't make your list
171
00:06:42,576 --> 00:06:44,099
of things
that make you barf.
172
00:06:44,186 --> 00:06:46,188
It's fascinating.
173
00:06:47,494 --> 00:06:50,322
Jack, we can't give Izzy a door
and then lose the house.
174
00:06:50,410 --> 00:06:53,935
I know.
And we won't.
175
00:06:54,022 --> 00:06:55,893
Um...
What?
176
00:06:55,980 --> 00:06:58,374
Okay.
Well, promise not to be mad.
177
00:06:58,461 --> 00:06:59,854
Uh, your mom
is coming to visit.
178
00:06:59,941 --> 00:07:01,246
And she's staying
with Gabe.
179
00:07:01,333 --> 00:07:03,335
So?
She's visited him lots of times.
180
00:07:03,423 --> 00:07:05,599
Well,
and I think that maybe...
181
00:07:05,686 --> 00:07:07,601
you know, possibly...
182
00:07:07,688 --> 00:07:10,560
he may have said something about
inviting us all to dinner?
183
00:07:10,647 --> 00:07:12,344
Oh. [ Scoffs ]
184
00:07:12,432 --> 00:07:14,042
So this is what all that
clumsy espionage was about?
185
00:07:14,129 --> 00:07:16,174
You and Izzy and Gabe?
186
00:07:16,261 --> 00:07:19,264
Wait, are you suggesting
that we ask Jo for money?
187
00:07:19,351 --> 00:07:20,440
No!
188
00:07:20,527 --> 00:07:21,615
No.
189
00:07:21,702 --> 00:07:23,791
No.
Maybe?
190
00:07:23,878 --> 00:07:25,357
No, okay?
191
00:07:25,445 --> 00:07:27,055
There is a zero-point-zero
percent chance
192
00:07:27,142 --> 00:07:29,013
of me asking her
for anything ever.
193
00:07:29,100 --> 00:07:30,798
[ Toaster pops ]Well, come on, Jack.
194
00:07:30,885 --> 00:07:32,582
Do you really think
it's a coincidence, you know,
195
00:07:32,669 --> 00:07:33,844
that you started thinking
of your mom and dad
196
00:07:33,931 --> 00:07:35,585
and how it was
after he died...
197
00:07:35,672 --> 00:07:37,761
just as you're about to
start a family of your own?
198
00:07:37,848 --> 00:07:39,415
I didn't bleach my hair,
wear eyeliner,
199
00:07:39,502 --> 00:07:41,504
and start doing drugs
because my dad died.
200
00:07:41,591 --> 00:07:43,811
I did it to
test my mom's love.
201
00:07:43,898 --> 00:07:45,726
And she failed.
202
00:07:45,813 --> 00:07:47,467
Yeah, well,
maybe she was angry.
203
00:07:47,554 --> 00:07:49,643
Maybe tough love was
the only love she could give.
204
00:07:49,730 --> 00:07:52,602
What would she
be angry about?
205
00:07:52,689 --> 00:07:54,343
Gabe says
she has regrets.
206
00:07:54,430 --> 00:07:57,346
Did, uh, calling me
a faggot make the list?
207
00:07:59,653 --> 00:08:02,133
Jack...
I'm sorry.
208
00:08:02,220 --> 00:08:06,181
♪♪
209
00:08:06,268 --> 00:08:07,748
Waffles.
Aw.
210
00:08:07,835 --> 00:08:09,314
Caramel sauce
and pickles,
211
00:08:09,401 --> 00:08:11,665
together again
for the very first time!Mm-hmm.
212
00:08:11,752 --> 00:08:13,318
♪♪
213
00:08:13,405 --> 00:08:15,930
[ Computer rings ]
214
00:08:20,021 --> 00:08:21,239
Babe?Dave: [ Skipping ] H-H-Hello?
215
00:08:21,326 --> 00:08:24,895
Dave?
Are you there?
216
00:08:24,982 --> 00:08:27,768
Aw, fuck me!
217
00:08:27,855 --> 00:08:29,944
Oh, no, not you guys!
218
00:08:30,031 --> 00:08:31,859
That's -- What?
No!
219
00:08:31,946 --> 00:08:34,818
Not to insinuate that
any of you are unworthy.
220
00:08:34,905 --> 00:08:37,168
You're all
very attractive people,
221
00:08:37,255 --> 00:08:40,650
and I'm sure many people,
many people would be honored.
222
00:08:40,737 --> 00:08:42,173
Please just don't call
your lawyers, all right?
223
00:08:42,260 --> 00:08:44,088
Take a beat.
224
00:08:44,175 --> 00:08:46,917
[ Laughs]
Oh, I'm so happy
that I could amuse you.
225
00:08:47,004 --> 00:08:48,310
We need to fix this.
226
00:08:48,397 --> 00:08:49,572
Oh, like pay them off?
227
00:08:49,659 --> 00:08:51,139
That's a good idea. No, no.
228
00:08:51,226 --> 00:08:54,751
I'm saying we need to fix
this you and me
229
00:08:54,838 --> 00:08:56,753
and this 500-mile gap
between us.
230
00:08:56,840 --> 00:08:58,015
Okay?
We need to fix that.
231
00:08:58,102 --> 00:08:59,626
I miss you.
Really?
232
00:08:59,713 --> 00:09:01,062
You love me more
than fluffy robes,
233
00:09:01,149 --> 00:09:03,630
fresh sheets,
and room service?
234
00:09:03,717 --> 00:09:05,762
Yes.
Yes, of course I do.
235
00:09:05,849 --> 00:09:07,851
Come on.
Convincing.
236
00:09:07,938 --> 00:09:09,592
I do think we should maybe
spring for some nicer sheets.
237
00:09:09,679 --> 00:09:11,202
These thread counts are --
238
00:09:11,289 --> 00:09:12,508
I'm learning a lot
about thread counts here.
239
00:09:12,595 --> 00:09:14,162
How's it going
over there?
240
00:09:14,249 --> 00:09:16,599
Oh, well, they've stopped
being subtle about, uh,
241
00:09:16,686 --> 00:09:18,340
books two and three,
242
00:09:18,427 --> 00:09:21,212
so I kind of had
to wing a pitch.Oh, God.
243
00:09:21,299 --> 00:09:23,258
How drunk did you have to get
to decide that was a good idea?
244
00:09:23,345 --> 00:09:25,695
Well, drunk enough that
I woke up with
245
00:09:25,782 --> 00:09:27,610
a dozen cocktail napkins
in my pocket
246
00:09:27,697 --> 00:09:29,177
all with individual words
on them,
247
00:09:29,264 --> 00:09:31,962
like I maybe did like
a Bob Dylan type of thing.
248
00:09:32,049 --> 00:09:34,443
Look, this either says
"flatulence" or "pestilence."
249
00:09:34,530 --> 00:09:36,488
And neither is really good
for a kids' book.
250
00:09:36,576 --> 00:09:39,753
Actually, the first one
could work, you know, like, um,
251
00:09:39,840 --> 00:09:42,407
"Everybody Farts,
Even Immigrants"?
252
00:09:42,494 --> 00:09:43,974
You know what, Carmen?
253
00:09:44,061 --> 00:09:45,454
You really are the wind
beneath my sheets.
254
00:09:45,541 --> 00:09:46,890
See, I was still going
with the fart thing.
255
00:09:46,977 --> 00:09:48,152
Yeah.
Yeah.
256
00:09:48,239 --> 00:09:49,676
I'm sorry.
I'm just really tired
257
00:09:49,763 --> 00:09:51,416
and I know it's stupid
but I think
258
00:09:51,503 --> 00:09:52,983
I've just let this local awards
thing get to me and --
259
00:09:53,070 --> 00:09:54,637
Okay, you know what?
You know what?
260
00:09:54,724 --> 00:09:57,640
Tonight, we're gonna have
a full cyberdate, okay?
261
00:09:57,727 --> 00:09:59,903
And it's gonna end
in FaceTime sex
262
00:09:59,990 --> 00:10:02,776
because I am the surest thing
on the West Coast.
263
00:10:02,863 --> 00:10:05,517
You are
an insatiable slut.
264
00:10:05,605 --> 00:10:07,302
[ Both laugh ]
Wow.
265
00:10:07,389 --> 00:10:09,391
And I may have a solution
to your sequel problem, so --
266
00:10:09,478 --> 00:10:11,045
Excellent.
Tonight, you and me.
267
00:10:11,132 --> 00:10:12,873
No kids. No work.
No interruptions.
268
00:10:12,960 --> 00:10:14,918
Just me listening to you
about your life
269
00:10:15,005 --> 00:10:18,313
and then we are going to
mutually abuse ourselves
270
00:10:18,400 --> 00:10:19,619
in front of each other.
271
00:10:19,706 --> 00:10:21,055
That sounds -- I mean, is that g--
272
00:10:21,142 --> 00:10:22,491
I'm gonna need
a clear "yes."
273
00:10:22,578 --> 00:10:23,927
I mean, I could start now
if you want.
274
00:10:24,014 --> 00:10:25,363
This is usually
behind a paywall
275
00:10:25,450 --> 00:10:27,017
but if you --
you have to say "yes."
276
00:10:27,104 --> 00:10:28,715
Stop it! Will this get you fired,
if I --
277
00:10:28,802 --> 00:10:31,369
Yes, yes, yes!
278
00:10:31,456 --> 00:10:34,546
[ Sighs ] Okay.
279
00:10:34,634 --> 00:10:39,377
$20, $40, $64 and change.
280
00:10:39,464 --> 00:10:41,945
Split the settlement
however you like.
281
00:10:42,032 --> 00:10:43,643
That should work.
That's plenty.
282
00:10:43,730 --> 00:10:47,559
[ Indistinct conversations ]
283
00:10:47,647 --> 00:10:50,258
Sasha:
I find myself kind of liking
that shirt for some reason.
284
00:10:50,345 --> 00:10:52,739
Yeah, shirts are cool.
I like shirts.
285
00:10:52,826 --> 00:10:54,915
Maybe it's
the feminist allusion.
286
00:10:55,002 --> 00:10:58,266
Yeah.
Hashtag Time's Up, bitches.
287
00:10:58,353 --> 00:11:00,485
M-Meaning un-woke dudes.
I -- I didn't --
288
00:11:00,572 --> 00:11:01,661
I didn't mean women.
289
00:11:01,748 --> 00:11:03,097
It's about motherhood.
290
00:11:03,184 --> 00:11:05,839
Yeah. Moms.
So hot.
291
00:11:08,058 --> 00:11:11,888
So are you into all girls
or just the ones with children?
292
00:11:11,975 --> 00:11:14,456
Uh, well, I'm pan,
which we all know means
293
00:11:14,543 --> 00:11:17,459
that I can love or be attracted
to a person of any sex
294
00:11:17,546 --> 00:11:19,330
including
but not limited to males,
295
00:11:19,417 --> 00:11:20,897
females, transgenders,
transexuals,
296
00:11:20,984 --> 00:11:22,464
hermaphroditous people,
androgynous people,
297
00:11:22,551 --> 00:11:24,771
and of course those with
a sex-chromosome anomaly.
298
00:11:24,858 --> 00:11:27,338
Wow.
So thorough!
299
00:11:29,776 --> 00:11:32,300
Why aren't you, uh,
seeing anyone?
300
00:11:34,476 --> 00:11:37,392
Maybe you're just, um, confused
by the expansive pan menu?
301
00:11:37,479 --> 00:11:38,393
Yeah.
So confused.
302
00:11:38,480 --> 00:11:39,568
Yeah.
Ca-- Can't sleep.
303
00:11:39,655 --> 00:11:41,788
I'm like,
which way do I go?
304
00:11:41,875 --> 00:11:44,834
Dare you to ask out the next
human who's into you.
305
00:11:44,921 --> 00:11:47,010
Hey.
Sorry to barge in, um...
306
00:11:47,097 --> 00:11:48,620
but that story you shared
in last week's
307
00:11:48,708 --> 00:11:52,146
Alliance meeting -- it, uh,
it just really moved me.
308
00:11:52,233 --> 00:11:53,800
Awesome.
309
00:11:53,887 --> 00:11:57,151
Hey, um,
do you want to hang out?
310
00:11:57,238 --> 00:11:59,196
Yeah, sure.
You free tonight?
311
00:11:59,283 --> 00:12:01,242
Yeah. Uh, it's a date.
I'll text you.
312
00:12:01,329 --> 00:12:03,461
Cool.
313
00:12:03,548 --> 00:12:05,550
Boom.
[ Chuckles ]
314
00:12:05,637 --> 00:12:10,860
♪♪
315
00:12:10,947 --> 00:12:16,213
♪♪
316
00:12:16,300 --> 00:12:19,913
All right, I was undeniably
a massive fuck-up as a kid.
317
00:12:24,656 --> 00:12:26,136
I'm getting the instinct that
you need to hold
318
00:12:26,223 --> 00:12:27,834
all my calls,
Rebecca.
319
00:12:27,921 --> 00:12:29,313
-Yes, Dean Warren.
-Thank you.
320
00:12:29,400 --> 00:12:30,793
Sorry.
321
00:12:30,880 --> 00:12:32,839
It's all good.
All good.
322
00:12:32,926 --> 00:12:34,841
Everybody assumed
I was on drugs,
323
00:12:34,928 --> 00:12:37,278
and so they started
giving me drugs and voilà,
324
00:12:37,365 --> 00:12:38,888
next thing I know,
I'm on drugs.
325
00:12:38,975 --> 00:12:42,457
And my dad died,
my mother was frightened
326
00:12:42,544 --> 00:12:44,938
that Gabe and I wouldn't have
a male role model,
327
00:12:45,025 --> 00:12:46,287
so she transformed herself
328
00:12:46,374 --> 00:12:48,985
into the worst possible
version of one.
329
00:12:49,072 --> 00:12:51,118
Somewhere along the line,
I realized my whole reason
330
00:12:51,205 --> 00:12:54,034
for waking up every day
for the rest of my life
331
00:12:54,121 --> 00:12:57,124
would be to help kids
like me.
332
00:12:57,211 --> 00:12:59,474
God damn it, I'm good
at what I do, okay,
333
00:12:59,561 --> 00:13:01,215
so if you think
that this is
334
00:13:01,302 --> 00:13:03,173
just soft,
navel-gazing bullshit,
335
00:13:03,260 --> 00:13:05,567
well frankly, Mother,
I don't give a fuck!
336
00:13:11,616 --> 00:13:14,445
Um, did I just, um --Just call me "Mother"?
337
00:13:14,532 --> 00:13:16,273
Yes.
I didn't hear that.
338
00:13:16,360 --> 00:13:17,927
Thank you.
Mm-hmm.
339
00:13:18,014 --> 00:13:20,060
You're a good egg,
Dean Warren.
340
00:13:20,147 --> 00:13:21,844
Neva.
341
00:13:24,064 --> 00:13:26,544
I want a raise, Neva.
342
00:13:26,631 --> 00:13:28,372
You got it, Jack.
343
00:13:28,459 --> 00:13:29,591
10%?
344
00:13:29,678 --> 00:13:30,810
Just like that?
345
00:13:30,897 --> 00:13:32,072
Mm-hmm.
346
00:13:32,159 --> 00:13:35,945
Academia --
Never enough money.
347
00:13:36,032 --> 00:13:40,907
We operate under the policy
of Let Sleeping Dogs Lie.
348
00:13:40,994 --> 00:13:45,085
Your Wellness Program, Doctor,
is extraordinary.
349
00:13:45,172 --> 00:13:47,087
A raise is
long overdue.
350
00:13:49,306 --> 00:13:50,264
Wow, thanks.
351
00:13:50,351 --> 00:13:51,787
You're welcome.
Oh.
352
00:13:51,874 --> 00:13:54,311
And, uh,
eat your strangers
353
00:13:54,398 --> 00:13:57,097
and don't talk to
vegetables.
354
00:13:57,184 --> 00:13:59,055
Right. We can just
keep that between us,
355
00:13:59,142 --> 00:14:00,143
right, the Mother thing?
356
00:14:00,230 --> 00:14:01,101
Yeah.
Yeah.
357
00:14:01,188 --> 00:14:06,584
♪♪
358
00:14:06,671 --> 00:14:12,068
♪♪
359
00:14:12,155 --> 00:14:13,635
Ah!
Jesus!
360
00:14:15,506 --> 00:14:19,859
Word around campus is that
you're quite suddenly pansexual.
361
00:14:19,946 --> 00:14:22,731
More like I've come to terms
with it.
362
00:14:22,818 --> 00:14:24,602
Please tell me that you haven't
dragged anyone else
363
00:14:24,689 --> 00:14:29,172
into this admittedly adorable
play for Sasha's affections.
364
00:14:29,259 --> 00:14:30,652
And choose your words
wisely,
365
00:14:30,739 --> 00:14:33,481
like I might
already know the answer.
366
00:14:33,568 --> 00:14:35,178
Maybe I just think
Alex is hot
367
00:14:35,265 --> 00:14:38,225
and I want to do
all the stuff with him.
368
00:14:38,312 --> 00:14:39,835
Oh, yeah?
369
00:14:39,922 --> 00:14:41,576
So you're gonna date a dude
to prove you're pan
370
00:14:41,663 --> 00:14:43,970
so Sasha thinks
you're all woke-sexy.
371
00:14:44,057 --> 00:14:45,797
I find that highly offensive,
Miss --
372
00:14:45,885 --> 00:14:47,582
Doctor.
Dr. Izzy.
373
00:14:47,669 --> 00:14:49,758
Mm-hmm.Sorry. It's just sounds like
those old soaps
374
00:14:49,845 --> 00:14:52,239
where the 19-year-old dime
is also a brain surgeon.
375
00:14:52,326 --> 00:14:54,284
Okay. I think there were
compliments baked in there,
376
00:14:54,371 --> 00:14:55,807
so I'm just gonna
proceed --
377
00:14:55,895 --> 00:14:57,113
You're hanging out
with someone who digs you
378
00:14:57,200 --> 00:14:58,680
and thinks
you might dig him back,
379
00:14:58,767 --> 00:15:01,074
so please just be careful
with his feelings.
380
00:15:04,860 --> 00:15:06,340
Hello?
Huh?
381
00:15:06,427 --> 00:15:07,907
You okay there,
Dr. Izzy?
382
00:15:07,994 --> 00:15:11,475
Just be a decent person,
is what I'm saying, okay?
383
00:15:11,562 --> 00:15:16,219
He's a human being
with feelings, not a car.
384
00:15:16,306 --> 00:15:23,531
♪♪
385
00:15:23,618 --> 00:15:24,575
Car?
386
00:15:24,662 --> 00:15:26,621
[ Cellphone rings ]
387
00:15:26,708 --> 00:15:27,796
Hey.
388
00:15:27,883 --> 00:15:28,928
I got the raise.
389
00:15:29,015 --> 00:15:30,407
Ah!
Then we get the house!
390
00:15:30,494 --> 00:15:32,670
Okay. Tell me everything
you said, word for word.
391
00:15:32,757 --> 00:15:34,194
Don't leave
anything out.
392
00:15:34,281 --> 00:15:36,196
Well, once you accidentally
call your boss "Mother,"
393
00:15:36,283 --> 00:15:38,111
everything else
just seems like a detail.
394
00:15:38,198 --> 00:15:40,113
I once ended a phone call
with a collection agency
395
00:15:40,200 --> 00:15:41,810
with "I love you."
396
00:15:41,897 --> 00:15:43,420
And yes, that is the real reason
we had to change our number.
397
00:15:43,507 --> 00:15:45,553
We did it, Em.
398
00:15:45,640 --> 00:15:46,728
We're home.
399
00:15:46,815 --> 00:15:48,208
Yeah.
400
00:15:48,295 --> 00:15:49,731
I love you.
401
00:15:49,818 --> 00:15:51,776
I love you more.
402
00:15:51,863 --> 00:15:58,522
♪♪
403
00:15:58,609 --> 00:16:00,263
Yep.
404
00:16:03,571 --> 00:16:05,616
[ Groans ]
405
00:16:05,703 --> 00:16:08,402
Hey,
your date's a hobo bottle?
406
00:16:08,489 --> 00:16:10,404
Um, canceled.
407
00:16:10,491 --> 00:16:13,059
You know,
papers to grade.
408
00:16:16,105 --> 00:16:17,802
Hmm.
409
00:16:19,108 --> 00:16:20,980
[ Bottles clink ]
410
00:16:21,067 --> 00:16:22,764
You know, when I assigned you
"day drinking,"
411
00:16:22,851 --> 00:16:25,288
I meant after school
and off campus.
412
00:16:25,375 --> 00:16:27,464
Then I --
Then I guess this is, like,
413
00:16:27,551 --> 00:16:32,426
super-mega-double badass,
right?
414
00:16:32,513 --> 00:16:34,036
Extra credit?
415
00:16:34,123 --> 00:16:36,169
For sure, super badass, yeah,
until you get fired
416
00:16:36,256 --> 00:16:38,258
and the new boss wonders
how the fuck I got this job.
417
00:16:38,345 --> 00:16:40,521
Hmm.
Interesting.
418
00:16:40,608 --> 00:16:42,305
Are you wondering?
419
00:16:46,962 --> 00:16:48,833
All right,
Drunky McDrunkerpants,
420
00:16:48,920 --> 00:16:50,531
let's get you
out of here.
421
00:16:50,618 --> 00:16:51,706
Okay?
422
00:16:51,793 --> 00:16:52,881
I'm bringing this.
423
00:16:52,968 --> 00:16:54,752
Mm-hmm.
424
00:16:54,839 --> 00:16:56,363
Okay.
Okay.
425
00:16:56,450 --> 00:16:58,756
Hello, friends.
426
00:16:58,843 --> 00:17:00,106
They're good friends.
427
00:17:00,193 --> 00:17:01,542
Go.
428
00:17:01,629 --> 00:17:06,068
Shit, shit, shit, shit,
shit, shit, shit.
429
00:17:06,155 --> 00:17:07,852
Okay.
430
00:17:15,860 --> 00:17:19,603
[ Ringing ]
431
00:17:19,690 --> 00:17:21,736
Hey!
432
00:17:21,823 --> 00:17:23,259
Hey, babe.
I'm so sorry,
433
00:17:23,346 --> 00:17:24,826
the girls were just
impossible tonight and --
434
00:17:24,913 --> 00:17:26,088
Carm?
Can you hear me?
435
00:17:26,175 --> 00:17:28,090
Yes.
Okay, good.
436
00:17:28,177 --> 00:17:30,136
I think my agents brought me
here to give me some bad news
437
00:17:30,223 --> 00:17:32,616
because, fun fact, no one's
ever offed themselves
438
00:17:32,703 --> 00:17:34,792
in a lobby bar playing
Duran Duran covers.
439
00:17:34,879 --> 00:17:36,838
Couldn't tell them you needed
a half-hour with the wife?
440
00:17:36,925 --> 00:17:38,274
Man: Yo, Dave!
Your drink's here!
441
00:17:38,361 --> 00:17:40,363
I knew
you would understand!
442
00:17:40,450 --> 00:17:42,148
So, do you have
any sequel ideas for me?
443
00:17:42,235 --> 00:17:43,497
I mean, you're the writer
in the the family.
444
00:17:43,584 --> 00:17:45,238
Could you
help a hubby out?
445
00:17:48,676 --> 00:17:50,765
Sweetheart?
446
00:17:50,852 --> 00:17:52,462
You know, it feels like
we're about to glitch again.
447
00:17:52,549 --> 00:17:54,638
Really? But, uh, you're
coming in crystal clear.
448
00:17:54,725 --> 00:17:59,252
A. E. I. O. U.
449
00:17:59,339 --> 00:18:00,818
Are you doing, like, a --
450
00:18:00,905 --> 00:18:02,385
was that just
all the vowel sounds?
451
00:18:02,472 --> 00:18:04,344
Is that supposed to make --
Okay.
452
00:18:04,431 --> 00:18:06,694
So that's your answer then.
I see. That's fi--
453
00:18:06,781 --> 00:18:08,348
[ Tablet beeps ]
454
00:18:08,435 --> 00:18:10,263
[ Sighs ]
455
00:18:10,350 --> 00:18:13,962
You're on your own, champ.
456
00:18:14,049 --> 00:18:15,485
Nathan: Oh, man.
457
00:18:15,572 --> 00:18:16,834
Okay.
458
00:18:16,921 --> 00:18:20,186
So, you completed
the assignment.
459
00:18:20,273 --> 00:18:23,972
Please remove those obscene
abominations now.
460
00:18:24,059 --> 00:18:26,409
My sweet, sweet Crocs?
Unh-unh.
461
00:18:26,496 --> 00:18:29,847
Like I said -- The world may
think they look weird,
462
00:18:29,934 --> 00:18:33,329
but to me
they're just right.
463
00:18:33,416 --> 00:18:35,853
Hmm.
Beep, beep.
464
00:18:35,940 --> 00:18:38,029
Well, then,
I hope you never catch them
465
00:18:38,117 --> 00:18:40,293
blowing your brother
on Turkey Day.
466
00:18:40,380 --> 00:18:41,772
You're concerned that my shoes
might fellate
467
00:18:41,859 --> 00:18:44,210
the brother I don't have.
468
00:18:44,297 --> 00:18:45,733
Booze is like LSD to you,
huh?
469
00:18:45,820 --> 00:18:47,474
[ Whispering ] Shh.
470
00:18:47,561 --> 00:18:49,954
We're not really talking
about shoes.
471
00:18:50,041 --> 00:18:52,043
[ Whispering ] Oh, we're not?No.
472
00:18:52,131 --> 00:18:54,437
Oh, my God.No, it's a meta-floor.
473
00:18:54,524 --> 00:18:56,657
Mm-hmm.
A matador.
474
00:18:56,744 --> 00:18:58,354
Mini-- Minotaur.
475
00:18:58,441 --> 00:18:59,877
You're nai--
You're nailing this.
476
00:18:59,964 --> 00:19:01,836
Yeah, right.
Say it for me?
477
00:19:01,923 --> 00:19:03,359
No, you say it.
478
00:19:03,446 --> 00:19:05,448
Meta-floor.
479
00:19:05,535 --> 00:19:07,233
Can't say it.
Not even close.
480
00:19:07,320 --> 00:19:09,060
No.
481
00:19:09,148 --> 00:19:10,236
What are you
looking for?
482
00:19:10,323 --> 00:19:11,628
Oh, your balls.
483
00:19:11,715 --> 00:19:13,239
Oh!
484
00:19:13,326 --> 00:19:15,241
Okay, well, I mean, you know,
between the two of us,
485
00:19:15,328 --> 00:19:18,679
you are
the way bigger wuss.
486
00:19:18,766 --> 00:19:20,985
You let
two damaged sociopaths
487
00:19:21,072 --> 00:19:23,684
take a holiday
away from you forever.
488
00:19:23,771 --> 00:19:26,426
[ Scoffs ]
Oh, that -- that is nothing.
489
00:19:26,513 --> 00:19:28,950
You let a pregnant
suburban married couple
490
00:19:29,037 --> 00:19:31,779
take your entire life.
491
00:19:31,866 --> 00:19:33,215
I'm just trying to be
a good friend
492
00:19:33,302 --> 00:19:34,956
and give it to you
straight-up.
493
00:19:35,043 --> 00:19:36,653
We met like
three weeks ago, dude.
494
00:19:36,740 --> 00:19:38,786
You don't know shit.
495
00:19:38,873 --> 00:19:41,615
That's a shame.
496
00:19:41,702 --> 00:19:43,356
Let's play 20 questions.
497
00:19:45,445 --> 00:19:46,446
Yeah.
498
00:19:46,533 --> 00:19:49,057
No.
499
00:19:49,144 --> 00:19:50,580
Well, okay.
500
00:19:50,667 --> 00:19:54,018
I'm preternaturally intuitive,
so five'll do.
501
00:19:54,105 --> 00:19:55,411
Okay.
Yeah.
502
00:19:55,498 --> 00:19:56,630
Do you want to go first,
or do I go first?
503
00:19:56,717 --> 00:19:58,153
I'll go first.
Here it comes.
504
00:19:58,240 --> 00:19:59,807
Okay.
505
00:19:59,894 --> 00:20:02,723
Um, okay.
Mm-hmm.
506
00:20:02,810 --> 00:20:05,465
Close-in suburb
or Downtown?
507
00:20:05,552 --> 00:20:07,902
Oh.
Pearl District forever.
508
00:20:07,989 --> 00:20:08,990
That was an easy one.
509
00:20:09,077 --> 00:20:10,731
Yeah.
Okay.
510
00:20:10,818 --> 00:20:14,778
Block party or
authentic bar-bar?
511
00:20:14,865 --> 00:20:19,261
Another round of Rusty Nails
for me and the posse I don't got
512
00:20:19,348 --> 00:20:21,916
'cause I thought my wife
was my bestie.
513
00:20:26,442 --> 00:20:28,488
Okay.
Uh, okay.
514
00:20:28,575 --> 00:20:30,272
Stay up all night.
515
00:20:30,359 --> 00:20:33,275
Are you watching the sun rise
or whatever's on Netflix?
516
00:20:33,362 --> 00:20:35,669
Ooh.
Sunrise every time.
517
00:20:37,758 --> 00:20:39,760
Get rich
or change the world.
518
00:20:39,847 --> 00:20:41,675
Change the world.
519
00:20:41,762 --> 00:20:43,372
No question.
520
00:20:43,459 --> 00:20:46,680
And some day real soon,
too.
521
00:20:46,767 --> 00:20:50,161
Let me guess -- you were the
weird kid with the frizzy hair
522
00:20:50,249 --> 00:20:53,861
and rainbow braces
who demanded fair wages
523
00:20:53,948 --> 00:20:56,907
for the cafeteria staff?
524
00:20:56,994 --> 00:21:00,084
Wow. That is --
That is oddly specific.
525
00:21:00,171 --> 00:21:04,350
You talking about me
or you?
526
00:21:04,437 --> 00:21:06,569
Yeah, me too.
527
00:21:06,656 --> 00:21:07,701
Really?
Yeah.
528
00:21:07,788 --> 00:21:08,832
Cheers.
I was a weirdo.
529
00:21:08,919 --> 00:21:10,443
Boop.
530
00:21:10,530 --> 00:21:12,183
Okay. Pets?
531
00:21:12,271 --> 00:21:14,708
Oh, yeah.
Like, a whole bunch.
532
00:21:14,795 --> 00:21:16,231
Hmm.
533
00:21:16,318 --> 00:21:18,973
Yeah, and I would marry Seb,
'cause I love him
534
00:21:19,060 --> 00:21:23,238
more than anything,
not like in a weird way.
535
00:21:23,325 --> 00:21:25,632
Just so you know, I don't think
there's an un-weird way
536
00:21:25,719 --> 00:21:28,156
to marry your pets.
537
00:21:28,243 --> 00:21:30,114
Kids?
Go.
538
00:21:30,201 --> 00:21:32,943
Two girls and a boy.
539
00:21:33,030 --> 00:21:35,511
You too?
540
00:21:35,598 --> 00:21:37,731
What are your thoughts
on pumpkin spice?
541
00:21:37,818 --> 00:21:42,910
You know, I don't know
what that smell is
542
00:21:42,997 --> 00:21:45,782
but it is clearly
not pumpkin or spice.
543
00:21:45,869 --> 00:21:48,524
Thank you.
Right?
544
00:21:48,611 --> 00:21:51,005
Fuck.
545
00:21:51,092 --> 00:21:53,094
Oh, my turn now.
546
00:21:53,181 --> 00:21:54,965
Unh-unh.
There's no point.
547
00:21:55,052 --> 00:21:57,620
Why not?
You already gave
all my answers.
548
00:21:57,707 --> 00:22:00,057
Well, that's not fair.And you know, you're like --
549
00:22:00,144 --> 00:22:04,105
like, a nice guy
and you're funny
550
00:22:04,192 --> 00:22:06,455
and sometimes
you look at me
551
00:22:06,542 --> 00:22:08,718
like you used to draw me
as a child.
552
00:22:10,894 --> 00:22:12,896
Have you been
cyberstalking me?
553
00:22:12,983 --> 00:22:15,812
Wow, damn, your -- your --
554
00:22:15,899 --> 00:22:18,424
your crazy
totally just ate my drunk.
555
00:22:20,948 --> 00:22:22,210
I'm happy.
Mm.
556
00:22:22,297 --> 00:22:23,516
I'm happy.
Okay?
557
00:22:23,603 --> 00:22:25,692
Zero second thoughts.
558
00:22:25,779 --> 00:22:27,911
So there's no point
in test-driving you
559
00:22:27,998 --> 00:22:29,957
down the road not traveled --
less traveled.
560
00:22:30,044 --> 00:22:31,393
I don't know, whatever.
561
00:22:31,480 --> 00:22:32,568
How's -- How's that?
562
00:22:32,655 --> 00:22:34,222
What?
563
00:22:34,309 --> 00:22:38,139
Is that
what we're doing?
564
00:22:38,226 --> 00:22:39,836
You know, nothing that's gonna
get you in trouble,
565
00:22:39,923 --> 00:22:43,274
but just enough
to imagine the alternative?
566
00:22:49,106 --> 00:22:51,370
I...
Mm-hmm.
567
00:22:51,457 --> 00:22:53,459
...would like
to deny that.
568
00:22:56,462 --> 00:22:58,377
I'm sorry.
569
00:22:58,464 --> 00:23:00,248
I'm sorry.
I'm a dick.
570
00:23:00,335 --> 00:23:02,119
It's --
It's all good.
571
00:23:06,950 --> 00:23:08,604
Do they really love you?
572
00:23:10,737 --> 00:23:13,479
And you really love them?
573
00:23:13,566 --> 00:23:15,263
Yeah.
574
00:23:18,962 --> 00:23:21,878
Look, Izzy, um --
575
00:23:21,965 --> 00:23:23,489
You're gonna
walk me home.
576
00:23:23,576 --> 00:23:24,620
I am?
577
00:23:24,707 --> 00:23:26,622
Yes.
578
00:23:26,709 --> 00:23:28,537
You're gonna be
a gentleman
579
00:23:28,624 --> 00:23:30,974
and you're gonna walk me home
and you're gonna come in
580
00:23:31,061 --> 00:23:33,063
and you're gonna say hello
to Jack and Emma.
581
00:23:33,150 --> 00:23:34,630
Why?
Why?
582
00:23:34,717 --> 00:23:37,981
Because we are friends,
all of us, nothing to hide.
583
00:23:38,068 --> 00:23:40,984
Nothing to see here,
move it along.
584
00:23:41,071 --> 00:23:43,030
Mm.
Am I right, friend?
585
00:23:47,817 --> 00:23:49,645
Right, friend.
586
00:23:49,732 --> 00:23:51,299
I'll bring this.
587
00:23:51,386 --> 00:23:55,999
Party bus
is on the move.
588
00:23:56,086 --> 00:23:57,479
Okay.
Let's do it.
589
00:23:57,566 --> 00:23:59,350
You want to get rid of those,
probably.
590
00:23:59,438 --> 00:24:01,222
Hmm, I don't know.
591
00:24:01,309 --> 00:24:05,313
♪♪
592
00:24:05,400 --> 00:24:06,793
Gabriel:
Thanks for coming over, bud.
593
00:24:06,880 --> 00:24:10,144
I didn't realize "Queer Eye"
would be so moving.
594
00:24:10,231 --> 00:24:12,451
I promise not to tell anybody
about the wide-open sobbing
595
00:24:12,538 --> 00:24:15,279
if you, uh,
stop calling me "bud."
596
00:24:15,366 --> 00:24:16,498
I get the point.
597
00:24:16,585 --> 00:24:18,065
What? No! I --
598
00:24:18,152 --> 00:24:19,849
Not every two queers
are gonna be into each other.
599
00:24:19,936 --> 00:24:22,504
It's cool, "bud."
600
00:24:22,591 --> 00:24:24,811
Seriously, Gabriel.
601
00:24:24,898 --> 00:24:25,899
It's cool.
602
00:24:25,986 --> 00:24:27,857
Alex, I like you.
603
00:24:27,944 --> 00:24:30,338
I think
you're smart and funny.
604
00:24:30,425 --> 00:24:32,035
I just...
605
00:24:32,122 --> 00:24:33,733
I'm trying to figure shit out
right now.
606
00:24:33,820 --> 00:24:36,779
Maybe this will help?
607
00:24:40,304 --> 00:24:41,915
Fuck.
I totally misread that moment.
608
00:24:42,002 --> 00:24:43,351
I am so sorry.
609
00:24:43,438 --> 00:24:46,441
God damn it,
Izzy was right. I --
610
00:24:46,528 --> 00:24:48,530
What're you talking about?Alex, look.
611
00:24:48,617 --> 00:24:50,880
You're a lot of things
that I'm not.
612
00:24:50,967 --> 00:24:55,189
Like a decent
human being.
613
00:24:55,276 --> 00:24:56,712
Into other guys.
614
00:24:56,799 --> 00:24:58,366
Wait. What?
I'm straight.
615
00:24:58,453 --> 00:24:59,889
Like, like,
weirdly straight.
616
00:24:59,976 --> 00:25:01,151
Then why --
617
00:25:01,238 --> 00:25:03,153
I thought
Sasha would find it cool.
618
00:25:03,240 --> 00:25:04,328
I --
619
00:25:04,415 --> 00:25:07,767
Look, we can
still be friends.
620
00:25:07,854 --> 00:25:09,725
My mother says your dad's
a fucking Neanderthal.
621
00:25:09,812 --> 00:25:11,205
Alex, come on.
622
00:25:11,292 --> 00:25:12,423
Like father, like son.
623
00:25:12,511 --> 00:25:14,121
Hmm.
624
00:25:14,208 --> 00:25:22,216
♪♪
625
00:25:22,303 --> 00:25:24,958
Both: "HOA Violation.
626
00:25:25,045 --> 00:25:30,877
Marigold isn't on the approved
list for exterior doors."
627
00:25:30,964 --> 00:25:32,531
Izzy?
628
00:25:32,618 --> 00:25:34,271
Are you --
Are you okay?
629
00:25:34,358 --> 00:25:37,187
Fuck Lala.
630
00:25:37,274 --> 00:25:39,625
Fuck Hawthorne Heights.
631
00:25:39,712 --> 00:25:42,845
I am so tired of dealing
with this bullshit.
632
00:25:42,932 --> 00:25:44,064
Wait here.
633
00:25:44,151 --> 00:25:47,241
It's a --
It's a good idea.
634
00:25:47,328 --> 00:25:51,462
♪ We both know it's insane
635
00:25:51,550 --> 00:25:54,944
♪ We know it's not right,
but we do it the same ♪
636
00:25:55,031 --> 00:25:58,034
♪ When you kiss me that way,
it's okay ♪
637
00:25:58,121 --> 00:25:59,514
♪ I say "Oh, no
638
00:25:59,601 --> 00:26:02,082
[ Knock on window ]♪ What you doin'?
639
00:26:02,169 --> 00:26:03,562
♪ Oh, no --
640
00:26:11,265 --> 00:26:14,790
Okay.
641
00:26:16,575 --> 00:26:19,360
This is, uh,
a little cliché.
642
00:26:23,016 --> 00:26:25,671
What happened?
643
00:26:25,758 --> 00:26:27,063
I'm not pan.
644
00:26:27,150 --> 00:26:29,022
Or gay.
Or bi.
645
00:26:29,109 --> 00:26:31,677
I know.
646
00:26:31,764 --> 00:26:32,895
I fucked up so bad.
647
00:26:32,982 --> 00:26:35,724
You actually went out
with Alex?
648
00:26:38,466 --> 00:26:40,381
Yeah,
you definitely fucked up.
649
00:26:40,468 --> 00:26:43,906
Um,
what were you thinking?
650
00:26:43,993 --> 00:26:45,168
Tell me.
651
00:26:45,255 --> 00:26:47,214
He's right --
I'm such an asshole,
652
00:26:47,301 --> 00:26:49,172
just like my father.
653
00:26:49,259 --> 00:26:50,913
I never should've used him
like that.
654
00:26:51,000 --> 00:26:52,611
I never should have
dared you.
655
00:26:52,698 --> 00:26:55,048
We're both --
656
00:26:55,135 --> 00:26:57,703
We're both assholes.
657
00:26:57,790 --> 00:27:00,880
But we're gonna
make it right.
658
00:27:00,967 --> 00:27:03,273
I wish I could just
go back in time
659
00:27:03,360 --> 00:27:06,799
and do what I wanted to do
in the first place.
660
00:27:06,886 --> 00:27:08,496
What?
661
00:27:08,583 --> 00:27:16,373
♪♪
662
00:27:16,460 --> 00:27:24,207
♪♪
663
00:27:24,294 --> 00:27:32,128
♪♪
664
00:27:32,215 --> 00:27:34,087
Any sober
second thoughts?
665
00:27:34,174 --> 00:27:36,350
Do you see any sober people
around here?
666
00:27:36,437 --> 00:27:39,614
'Cause I -- I don't.
667
00:27:39,701 --> 00:27:43,139
Okay.
668
00:27:43,226 --> 00:27:44,532
Okay, on three.
669
00:27:44,619 --> 00:27:46,534
One --
No, this way.
670
00:27:46,621 --> 00:27:49,842
Yeah.
One, two, three.
671
00:27:49,929 --> 00:27:53,759
[ Laughing ]
672
00:27:53,846 --> 00:27:56,239
♪♪
673
00:27:56,326 --> 00:27:58,415
♪ I don't care
what you think about me ♪
674
00:27:58,502 --> 00:28:01,201
♪ And I'm never gonna fit
in your society ♪
675
00:28:01,288 --> 00:28:05,335
♪♪
676
00:28:05,422 --> 00:28:07,729
♪ It's a union jack
and we're on the right track ♪
677
00:28:07,816 --> 00:28:09,209
♪ Better get yourself together
678
00:28:09,296 --> 00:28:10,776
♪ 'Cause we're gonna
fight back ♪
679
00:28:10,863 --> 00:28:15,345
♪♪
680
00:28:15,432 --> 00:28:17,826
♪ Stand up, boy,
it's a revolution ♪
681
00:28:17,913 --> 00:28:20,263
♪ Can't stop me,
this is evolution ♪
682
00:28:20,350 --> 00:28:22,613
♪ I don't care what you think
about me ♪
683
00:28:22,701 --> 00:28:25,051
♪ I'm never gonna fit
in the society ♪
684
00:28:25,138 --> 00:28:29,229
♪ I don't care what you think
about me no more ♪
685
00:28:29,316 --> 00:28:35,365
♪♪
686
00:28:35,452 --> 00:28:41,632
♪♪
47517
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