All language subtitles for You.Me.Her.S03E03.Tourist.Lesbians.and.Millennial.Twits.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP.5.1.H.264-CHDWEB_track3_[eng]

Previously on "You Me Her"...I need a plan.

-Yeah, no shit.
-Some way to get the two of them

alone in an enclosed space.

-Is that your dad?
-I'm sober.

-How long?
-A little over a year.

Wow.
Only 26 years too late.

The state
of the millennial man.

That's my thesis.

So, I'm thinking that I should
meet all of my dates

the same way.

Right here, not too late,
not too early.

When did you
stop wanting kids?

It just kind of happened
gradually over the years.

Have you guys talked about
some version of child care?

We're more talking about
talking about it.

We can't publish almost-finished
theater reviews.
Yeah.

Divorce signing thing
still on for Monday?

Oh, buddy, is that
what this is about?

I just want to make sure
that we're still on for Monday.

Yeah.
We are totally a go.

When are your classes?

Monday, I have a 10:00.
Why?

Emma: You hired an escort
to get your groove back,

and then you got down
on your fucking knees

and begged her
to have your baby.

You owe me
12 fucking years.

Fuck you!

[ Door closes ]

What the fuck?

♪♪

Uh...

Babe, I don't know
how it happened, okay?

One minute she was leaving, and
the next minute we were all --

well, I guess you saw.

Iz.
Izzy, look at me.

You cannot break up
with him over this.

Do not tell me who I can
or cannot break up with

for whatever fucking reason.

No, I'm not telling you.

I'm begging you.
Look, nothing's changed.

I'm still in a committed
relationship in Seattle.

You two are...

Oh, this day has
really taken a turn.

♪♪

Starting without me...

♪♪

♪♪

[ Cellphone buzzing ]

Oh.

Oh.

Oh, fuck.

[ Buzzing continues ]

Hi, babe.

[ Siren wails in distance ]

[ Moans ]

So, that happened.

Oh, you're mad now?

I thought this is exactly
what you wanted

when you parent
trapped us.

I was hoping to find you guys
making nice, not making out.

You sure that's all you
were hoping for?

Quit mining my subconscious
motivations, doctor dickhead.

Does your subconscious
buy the beer, pizza, and candy?

Oh, you think
you're very funny.

[ Laughs ]

[ Laughs ]

Em, are you okay?

Was that Kylie?

Yeah.

Was she super pissed?

No, because I just lied
my fucking ass off.

Something I was really
hoping to eliminate

as a defining
character trait.

[ Cellphone clanks ]

Why would you lie to her?

Why don't you just tell her
what happened?

Because she's going back.

Uh, what?

No, you're not.

I told you, Izzy,
this was a mistake.

Whether it was the two of us
or the three of us,

this never
should have happened.

Emma, could you just
slow down, okay?

It's not like we're gonna
throw a net over you.

Wait, wait.

What the three of us
did here was special,

and you're
just gonna bounce?

Are you kidding me?

I'm happy in Seattle

at Pinnacle

with Kylie.

You guys make sense.

I'm the piece
that doesn't fit.

♪♪

We did this together,

all three of us.

Not just you.

But you're right.
It was a mistake.

See you Monday.

Yeah.

♪♪

Izzy?

If you walk out that door,
don't call, don't text,

and sure as fuck
don't think about dropping by.

You are dead to me.

♪♪

♪ Won't you tell me
what's taking over? ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm trying to save
and start a life ♪

♪ And I should be starting

♪ But instead I'm going blind

♪ But where we go again,
running ♪

♪ Around this spinning globe

[ Sobbing ]

♪♪

Emma?

Hey, Carm.
[ Sniffles ]

What exactly are you doing
on my front porch?

Not much.

Crying, mostly.

Um...

Jack and Izzy are --Oh, no.
No, no, no.

You do not get to show up here
after four fucking months

and just pick this bullshit
up like you never left.

Oh, Carm, I am begging you.
I am a disaster.

Please.

Uh, okay.

I'm gonna count to five,
and then I'm gonna call the cops

and say there's
a skinny white woman

kneeling on the porch
of my mixed-race house.

Yeah, well, let's just wait
for them to get here,

and then we'll tell them

I'm your best friend
because cops love that.

Oh, didn't you hear?
I have a new best friend now,

and she's way cooler
than the old one.

Oh, is this Emma?
[ Gasps ] Hi, Emma!

So, why is she kneeling?

Oh, yikes.

Never seen her like that.

Who -- who are you?

Oh, I'm Hannah.

So, Carmen tells me that
you were a late-onset lesbian.

That is so cool.

I can't...
It's --
it's just so brave.

Carm!

Oh.

[ Clears throat ]

You weren't
100% sure it was over.

No.

But now I am.

Are we doing the thing?

The telepathy thing?

I believe so.

Here, try it.

What am I thinking?

How much you love me.

Oh.

[ Laughs ]

You're turn.

The same, I hope.

No.

I was thinking you should go
get us some Indian food.

[ Laughter ]

I'm kidding.

I was thinking
the same thing.

Although now that I've said it,
the Indian food

concept seems pretty good.

Mm.

♪♪

♪♪

Thank you.

Are you serious?
I don't get any?

What is this, junior high?

Oh, no.
I'm sure we can give you a --

No, this is for work.

Hannah and I are reviewing

a very nice
Willamette Valley Syrah

for "The Heights."

Okay, well, there is so little
in that sentence

that made sense to me.Gee, I wonder why.

Okay, ladies.
I am sensing some seriously

complicated relationship
dynamics here.

Emma, I need you to know I am
not trying to poach your bestie.

Who is she?
Who are you again?

I'm Hannah.

H-Hannah.

Paul got transferred
to Dallas.

The Matherfields moved,
and Hannah came into my life

just when I needed her most.
-Aww.

And now we're starting
a magazine together.

I mean,
with my Internet following

and Carmen's writing
experience,

the idea kinda
came up with itself.

[ Laughs ]

Well, okay, that's
right up in my personal space.

Carmen Mae Amari,

from the bottom of my heart
and the depths of my soul,

I am so,
so sorry for crawling

so far up my own ass
that all I could see was --

Your colon?

Look, I never should have
pulled away like that,

but everything here reminded me
of everything else here.

Okay, just for
scheduling purposes,

how much longer are you
gonna be holding my face?

Until you begin the process
of forgiving me.

I can't stand it
when you're mad at me.

I mean, I physically
cannot stand it.

You're a dick.

Yeah, I'm a ginormous dick.

And I know it's gonna take you
a while to forgive me, but --

Okay.
That's all I wanted to hear.

Oh, thank you.
I love you.

Oh.

Oh!

Okay.
So, this is happening.

Just let it happen.
She's a world-class hugger.

Mm. When I spent
a summer living in a lavra

with Romanian hermits,
I'd learned so --Hannah,

I'm sure Carm's right and you
are really cool and everything,

but I'm gonna need you to
disengage and give us a minute.

And by "give us a minute,"

I mean you got to go.
No offense.

I totally understand.

Oh.

Okay.

I love you.

Well, I'm very lovable.

[ Sighs ]

[ Groans ]

What's wrong?

Remember when you said
that I can't just drop in

and dump throuple bullshit
on you.

Yeah, you mean like
20 minutes ago?

It seems longer.

So here's the thing.

I threw an octopus
at Jack's head.

I had sex with him
and Izzy.

Izzy said if I walked out
the door, I was dead to her.

Which I obviously did because
I am now standing here

with you drinking wine
like a huge dick.

But enough about me.
How are you?

Tell me
about "The Heights."

Do you really get paid
to drink wine?

Because that is awesome.

♪♪

Okay, so I'm still struggling,
I don't know why, to understand.

You guys hadn't
spoken in months,

but then you pulled
a quickie ménage,

and why did anybody think
that was a good idea?

Okay, you know that
ridiculous movie thing

where two people wake up
staring at the ceiling like,

how the hell
did this happen?

You know, like they just got
sucked up into

a giant sex tornado?

Okay.

Yeah, okay, it is so real,
even with three people.

But you're still getting
divorced Monday

and driving back
to Seattle?

Yes.

Okay.

Okay.

Hey. Look,

Dave speaks to Jack all
the time, right, so he'd know.

Jack and Izzy
really are happy?

Yeah. I mean, they're --
they're good.

If that crazy throuple shit
just woke you up in a life

you didn't want anymore,

then dragging it out would have
only made things worse.

Are you sure that you left
for the right reasons,

and not just because you felt
like Jack left you first?

[ Door opens ]

Wash that around
for a little bit

because I'm gonna have
some words with Mr. Amari.

Hey, hon.

So, I start a business
and ask for some support,

and suddenly you're
working on a Saturday,

and you come home after
the girls are fed and in bed?

I'm working on a pitch. You know
what that's like, right?

You guys, you know what?
I'm gonna take a tour

around the old 'hood,
see if everything

really seems smaller,
like they say.

Good to see you.

Sorry, Emma.
I can't talk to you.

Team Jack, no offense.

I get it.

[ Door opens, shuts ]

So you seriously think
I stayed at work

late on a Saturday
to piss you off?

Okay.

I seriously think that nobody
leaves this room

until we agree on a plan
for the girls.

Well, it's a good thing
we came up with a plan two years

and nine months ago.

Wow.
That is some freaky ass shit.

What, that I know my daughter's
age to the month?

How much you sound
like your dad.

[ Laughs ]
That's not cool, okay?

I'm not like my dad.

Just in case
I wasn't clear,

I'm talking about
your wildly misogynistic,

but otherwise charming,
Turkish father.

I am not like my father.

I am progressive and evolved
and feminist A.F.

which I was recently
told stands for "as fuck."

Okay, here's the thing.

I'm not asking
for permission.

Okay, I think I get what's
happening here, all right?

Hannah's life seems all
shiny and perfect

with her after-school care
and her imaginary husband,

but I'm standing here
all three-dimensional

with actual opinions
on my daughter's upbringing.

Now, I was under
the impression

that that's the way
you liked it.

Nobody twisted your arm.
We came up with this together.

You think this has to do
with Hannah?

This has nothing to do
with Hannah,

and I resent you being
so reductive about my feelings.

Now, me and this amazing Syrah
are gonna take a bath together,

and you're gonna
clean the kitchen.

[ Baby crying ]

Oh, bummer.

Good luck with that.

[ Crying continues ]

♪ The hands we hold
someday will turn to dust ♪

♪ Blow away when
there's a chuckle with a gust ♪

♪ They can't touch
the patterns of ♪

♪ The footprints
that we leave ♪

♪ So in the moon sways waves,
they crash ♪

♪ Your breath will waver,
your memories will flash ♪

♪ All that ties
will blanket you ♪

♪ Like mountains in the sea

♪♪

♪ And your tears
will disappear ♪

♪ Someday

♪ Your tears will disappear

♪ And your tears
will disappear ♪

♪ Someday

♪ Your tears will disappear

♪♪

[ Engine starts ]

♪♪

I didn't know how you took it,
so I brought you

cream and sugar.

What's the idea here?

I'm walking you to school.

Well, I am walking
myself to a meeting.

What you do is your call.

Free country
and all that.

God, this is so weird.

♪♪

I'm sure you know why
I wanted to see you today.

Yeah.
As you are my thesis advisor,

I would assume
that it has to --

Please tell me that
you're making progress.

Oliver,
how do I put this?

Um, I am in the "ironing out
the details" phase.

I'm just, like, hacking through
the tall grass of the, um --

I've had a lot
going on lately.

Like last semester when
you more or less went AWOL?

No, no, no.
This is -- This is different.

My dad, who was dead,

came back to life...

like Jesus.

Except my dad wasn't so much
dead as he was "dead to me."

Izzy, I know having
a resurrection in the family

must be very distracting.

See?
Thank you.

Yes, of course.

But writing and defending
a thesis is grueling work.

You're behind on your TA duties
recently,

and you haven't even started
community placement.

Are you sure this is
still what you want?

It is.
It really, really is.

Great.
Well, no time like the present.

Let's reach out to
a few of my contacts

who might have
a slot for you.

I mean, that's so cool
and proactive, Oliver.

I mean, you're so good
at your job.

But the thing is, is I had
like a previous thing,

and I'm gonna sit
until you're done.

[ Sighs ]

Nina: How was the meeting
with Oliver?

Well, he went off on me.
Just like, no thesis topic,

no community placement,
worst TA ever, blah, blah, blah.

He's such a ball buster.

What haveyou been doing?

Okay, you really need
to get your head out
of your ass, sister.

Before you know it, you're gonna
be 35, married with kids,

and every time you have
that second glass of Chard,

you're gonna bore the living
shit out of the neighbor chicks

with vows of some day
finishing your Ph.D.I know, I know.

I'm actually on my way
to my first meeting

at Directions
Youth Services.

It's a center
for homeless teenagers.

You working at a soup
kitchen for street kids?

I said youth center,
not soup kitchen.

What's your point?

Fuck soup.
They are gonna eat you alive.[ Sighs ]

Jack and Emma signed
the papers today.

It only took me six months,

but I finally destroyed
their marriage.

Bull fuck.

Please use the more
conventional "bullshit."

Bull fuck belongs
in that sex dictionary

with Cleveland steamer
and dirty Sanchez.

Okay, look.

Here's the true postmortem
on the Trakarsky marriage.

Desperate suburban married
couple brings

a young, mediocre-looking
escort into their marriage

only to discover
that the real problem

with their shitty sex life

is that wifey's actually gay
and doesn't want kids.

You were never the villain
in this picture.

In the end, you guys
all made your own choices.

Nobody got bull fucked.

See?
That works.

Hmm, thanks.

♪ So let me tell you,
I had a good idea ♪

♪♪

I was jacking around
with my friend's guitar,

and he was, all, "Bro,
that's fucking amazing."

Which is weird because,
like,

I've never taken
a single lesson.

Um, check it.

[ Guitar music playing
on cellphone ]

Dude, that's
something special right there.

Huh?
You know?

Don't let anyone
tell you different.

Hmm?
See? Crazy, right?

Yeah, crazy.

Anyway, um, after you
swiped right

and said you were
"way up into my ass,"

you left everything
else up to me.

Date, time, place,
all of it.

Why is that?

What's your point, Nana?

It's Nina,you imbecile.

Nana means grandma.

Why would anybody name
their child Nana?

[ Laughs ]
Nana, that's awesome.

God, what is wrong with
your entire generation of men?

Should I just date
grateful widowers

and leave you goofy twats
to your vintage bicycles,

multimedia projects,
and ridiculous hats?

Mm, mm, mm.

What the fuck was that?

Oh, I know.

Maybe some fleeting
curiosity about me,

like what I do or what I'm into
or anything about me.

Well, actually, I just
wrote an entire song

about this experience.

Let's get you out
of here before...

Oh, oh, oh, oh!
Whoa, wow.

...before something worse
happens.

-Wow.
-Yeah, okay, off you go.

Wow.
[ Laughs ]

Okay, take care.

Don't deprive the world.
Oh, he's Snapchatting.

And here is where
they check their e-mail,

Facebook, et cetera.

We help them with résumés,
job applications,

doctors appointments,
that kind of thing.

If anyone's looking for
an open shelter bed,

or you ever have a question,
just grab one of us.Okay.

Actually, I do just have
one question.

What do I do
in the meantime?

Hang out.
Get to know them.

You'll be fine.

[ Laughter ]

Girl: Check it out.
New counselor, comin' in hot!

Hey! White guilt.
How's it going?

♪♪

♪♪

What are you even doing?

I'm hiding.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[ Door opens, shuts ]

Hey.

♪♪

Okay.What? You don't want to?

Oh, I definitely want to.

But first we're gonna talk about
what you just went through

because that's what people do
when they're in a loving,

committed relationship,
yeah?

Yeah.

Scotch?

Big yeah.

♪♪

♪♪

What?

What?
Nothing.

So that's three
consecutive guys

that left cartoon vapor trails
trying to get away from me.

Well, you did basically call
them all pointless dick bags,

so I mean...

If I have to listen to one
more millennial talk

about the 19 things that
he's barely doing, I'm gonna --

[ Imitates gunshot ]

Okay, you know,
they're just --

They're rifling through
things that they're into,

hoping that maybe something
interests you, too.

And expect you
to dive in whenever, you know,

not wait for an invitation.

Dudes, they get --
they get crazy anxious

when they're sitting across
from a beautiful woman.

Are you anxious right now?

I'm always anxious
around you.

I don't know.
Maybe Andy was right,

what he said to me
when we broke up.

Why, what'd he say?

"It's not me, it's you."

Fuck.
Yeah.

That had to leave a mark.Yeah.

Things were --

they were really shitty
the last couple of weeks.

Huh.

Well, I will say this
about you, Nana.

You are...

uniquely
and completely you.

How is that not just a nicer
version of what the fucker said?

It's different because...

because I wouldn't
change a thing.

♪♪

Way to kill
a conversation.

Yeah,
it's a gift of mine.

♪♪

♪♪

Hi.

Hey.

I'm digging
the morning 'do.

Pretty sure a team
of deranged psycho stylists

sneaks in and fucks
with my hair every night.

What's wrong?

I recently got divorced.

I heard.

So, why do I still feel like
the luckiest guy on the planet?

[ Laughs ]

I can get used to being looked
at like that every morning.

Okay.

Izzy.

Hmm?

From the moment I opened
that hotel room door

and saw you for
the very first time...

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Are you about to propose
to me right now?

What? No.

I just got divorced
a few days ago.

Okay.

But if I --Just, just don't.

Just don't?
Mm-hmm.

Oh, maybe I'm not
the luckiest guy in the world.

I'm a cautionary tale about
the dangers of polyamory.

No, no, no.

You arethe luckiest man
in the world.

[ Laughs ]

We just need to...

slow the fuck down,
just a little bit.

Yeah?

Just give it some air before we
start sprinting down aisles,

popping out babies.

Both of which
I am totally into.

And you.

I'm very into you.Oh?

You even know
how babies are made?

Mm.

I think I might have
missed that class.

Will you teach me, Doctor?

[ Laughs ]

Pay very close attention.

Ooh, Doctor.

♪♪

Well, congratulations.

You're pregnant.

You have got to be
fucking kidding me.

♪ I try to stick around

♪ I want to multiply

♪ The only reason
why I won't go stagnant ♪

♪ Shaken left and right,
growing inside ♪

♪ To the beat, to the love,
to the crush ♪

♪ So it's time to say goodbye

♪ How we never stuck anyway

♪ Was a good try, good try

♪ But not to myself

♪ Fill my head

♪ Mmm, mm, mm

♪ Changing, changing, changing

♪♪

♪♪