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1
00:00:09,487 --> 00:00:12,969
Misery on steroids. How many
points are you winning by?
2
00:00:13,013 --> 00:00:14,666
-Not many.
-How many "not many"?
3
00:00:14,710 --> 00:00:16,407
-203.
-What?
4
00:00:22,413 --> 00:00:24,502
Grab a drink, will you?
Come and hang out for a bit.
5
00:00:24,546 --> 00:00:26,504
-There's only beers in here.
-Well, have a beer, then.
6
00:00:26,548 --> 00:00:28,376
-You're nearly 15.
-I'm 13.
7
00:00:28,419 --> 00:00:30,378
-I know.
-Hiya, Dad.
8
00:00:30,421 --> 00:00:33,294
-Oh, my God!
-Good day?
9
00:00:35,861 --> 00:00:37,646
Sorry. Ally. Gabby. Gabby, Ally.
10
00:00:37,689 --> 00:00:39,909
New face. Hello. I'm Darren.
11
00:00:39,952 --> 00:00:42,390
-Gabby.
-Great name. Well done.
12
00:00:42,433 --> 00:00:43,652
How's the shyness going,
Darren?
13
00:00:43,695 --> 00:00:46,046
-Gabby seemed nice.
-She is nice, yes.
14
00:00:46,089 --> 00:00:47,395
This Gabby thing
is just a symptom
15
00:00:47,438 --> 00:00:50,528
of you not fully wanting
to be at home.
16
00:00:50,572 --> 00:00:52,661
Well, what's the fucking point
of us being together, then?
17
00:01:10,722 --> 00:01:12,942
Oh. Merry Christmas.
18
00:01:12,985 --> 00:01:15,249
Hi, Carl. Merry Christmas.
19
00:01:15,292 --> 00:01:18,078
Time.
Goes past, doesn't it?
20
00:01:18,121 --> 00:01:20,515
It does. Yeah.
21
00:01:21,864 --> 00:01:23,518
The... wreath fell down.
22
00:01:23,561 --> 00:01:25,128
Oh, right.
23
00:01:26,782 --> 00:01:28,218
Yes.
24
00:01:29,611 --> 00:01:30,960
Oh, yeah.
25
00:01:49,979 --> 00:01:52,242
-Here you go.
-Thanks.
26
00:01:53,417 --> 00:01:55,680
Uh, sorry.
They only had the shit tonic.
27
00:01:55,724 --> 00:01:57,291
That's all right. I can't tell
the difference anyway.
28
00:01:57,334 --> 00:01:59,206
-Me neither, if I'm honest.
-Mm.
29
00:02:01,817 --> 00:02:03,558
Luke's at Jacob's
for dinner tonight,
30
00:02:03,601 --> 00:02:04,776
and Ava's staying
at Grace's again.
31
00:02:04,820 --> 00:02:07,997
Oh, cool. She seems
to be coping pretty well.
32
00:02:08,040 --> 00:02:09,999
-Ava?
-Hmm.
33
00:02:10,042 --> 00:02:13,350
You don't... honestly think
that she's over it, do you?
34
00:02:13,394 --> 00:02:15,657
No. No, I don't, 'cause
I didn't say that. I said...
35
00:02:15,700 --> 00:02:17,833
I said she's coping better
than we thought she was.
36
00:02:17,876 --> 00:02:21,619
You don't find your granddad
seemingly dead from an overdose
37
00:02:21,663 --> 00:02:23,360
and then what, like,
10 days later,
38
00:02:23,404 --> 00:02:26,146
just bounce along with your life
again like fucking Tigger?
39
00:02:30,846 --> 00:02:33,501
-So, you think we should wait?
-Yeah, I think...
40
00:02:33,544 --> 00:02:36,678
...if we're gonna split up,
like properly split up,
41
00:02:36,721 --> 00:02:39,159
then it would be too much
for Ava right now.
42
00:02:39,202 --> 00:02:41,378
So, let's just get through
43
00:02:41,422 --> 00:02:43,032
the next couple of months
and see where we are.
44
00:02:43,075 --> 00:02:45,165
-So, wait till new year?
-Yeah, may... maybe.
45
00:02:45,208 --> 00:02:46,557
I... I don't know.
46
00:02:46,601 --> 00:02:48,733
I don't know. Maybe we
shouldn't split up at all, Paul.
47
00:02:48,777 --> 00:02:51,345
Fuck it. I really don't know.
This is down to you, not me.
48
00:02:51,388 --> 00:02:52,476
-Well, it's all down to me?
-Yeah.
49
00:02:52,520 --> 00:02:53,999
'Cause I had lunch with someone?
50
00:02:54,043 --> 00:02:55,697
Fuck off. I'm not gonna get
into this shit again. Not--
51
00:03:09,580 --> 00:03:13,454
I... I suppose I could
look for a room now.
52
00:03:13,497 --> 00:03:14,977
Uh, might take a while
to find something.
53
00:03:15,020 --> 00:03:17,240
A room.
54
00:03:17,284 --> 00:03:19,677
Well, obviously,
I can't afford a flat, can I?
55
00:03:19,721 --> 00:03:21,897
Christ, even a box room
in a shared house near us
56
00:03:21,940 --> 00:03:23,942
is gonna cost a fucking fortune.
57
00:03:23,986 --> 00:03:26,641
Oh. Well, look, uh... it...
58
00:03:26,684 --> 00:03:29,383
it doesn't necessarily have
to be you who moves out.
59
00:03:29,426 --> 00:03:31,123
Doesn't it? I think it does.
60
00:03:44,615 --> 00:03:48,576
-Who's cooking tonight?
-Well, if the kids are out,
61
00:03:48,619 --> 00:03:50,273
then I'll... I'll probably
have soup or something.
62
00:03:50,317 --> 00:03:52,841
Great. So, I was going
to use up those sausages.
63
00:03:52,884 --> 00:03:56,236
-Yeah, fair enough. Brilliant.
-Cool.
64
00:04:06,768 --> 00:04:08,073
Oh, I love this one.
65
00:04:08,117 --> 00:04:10,424
Puts you right in
the Christmas mood, don't it?
66
00:04:10,467 --> 00:04:12,121
It certainly does.
67
00:04:13,601 --> 00:04:15,603
Could you turn it down?
68
00:04:15,646 --> 00:04:18,780
Sorry.
69
00:04:24,655 --> 00:04:25,613
Great.
70
00:04:28,006 --> 00:04:29,269
-I'm just gonna...
-Yep.
71
00:04:42,847 --> 00:04:44,501
Hi, Mum. Merry Christmas.
72
00:04:44,545 --> 00:04:46,111
You know my position.
73
00:04:46,155 --> 00:04:48,766
I do, but I refuse to let you
spend Christmas on your own.
74
00:04:48,810 --> 00:04:51,073
-I really don't mind.
-Well, I do,
75
00:04:51,116 --> 00:04:53,989
and anyway, even Scrooge
ended up enjoying Christmas.
76
00:04:54,032 --> 00:04:55,730
Only because he was
relentlessly bullied
77
00:04:55,773 --> 00:04:58,254
by three ghosts
with a socialist agenda.
78
00:04:58,298 --> 00:05:00,517
-Anyway, I'm here, aren't I?
-Yay.
79
00:05:00,561 --> 00:05:03,999
Happy Christmas. Ho-ho-ho
and all that cock and balls.
80
00:05:04,042 --> 00:05:07,437
-Oh. Happy Christmas, Leah.
-Happy Christmas.
81
00:05:07,481 --> 00:05:10,353
Don't worry. He hasn't
brought any mistletoe.
82
00:05:10,397 --> 00:05:13,356
-Here you go, Mum.
-Thank you.
83
00:05:13,400 --> 00:05:15,532
You don't like Christmas,
do you, Leah?
84
00:05:15,576 --> 00:05:18,492
I remember us all being at
the kids' carol service once.
85
00:05:18,535 --> 00:05:19,971
You were watching
Homes Under the Hammer
86
00:05:20,015 --> 00:05:21,451
on your iPad.
87
00:05:21,495 --> 00:05:23,845
I reluctantly go along
with it, Jim,
88
00:05:23,888 --> 00:05:26,674
like those Jersey residents
who were essentially good people
89
00:05:26,717 --> 00:05:28,676
but collaborated with the Nazis.
90
00:05:28,719 --> 00:05:30,852
Where are
your lovely children, Ally?
91
00:05:30,895 --> 00:05:32,070
Still asleep.
92
00:05:32,114 --> 00:05:35,030
Oh, it's funny how
they change, isn't it?
93
00:05:35,073 --> 00:05:36,423
When they're tiny, they're awake
94
00:05:36,466 --> 00:05:38,947
at the crack of dawn
on Christmas Day.
95
00:05:38,990 --> 00:05:42,037
Paul used to be awake at
4 in the morning some years.
96
00:05:42,080 --> 00:05:46,476
-Did he? I never knew.
-No, you never.
97
00:05:47,825 --> 00:05:49,958
-I'll get some snacks going.
-Mm.
98
00:05:51,916 --> 00:05:55,485
When we're next in the car,
you can show us how...
99
00:06:01,056 --> 00:06:03,188
-Happy Christmas, mate.
-Yeah. Happy Christmas.
100
00:06:03,232 --> 00:06:05,800
Um... got any whisky?
101
00:06:05,843 --> 00:06:08,498
Only the own-brand stuff.
Nothing fancy.
102
00:06:08,542 --> 00:06:10,108
-What is it?
-Uh, Glen- something or other?
103
00:06:10,152 --> 00:06:11,893
No. Uh, what proof is it?
104
00:06:11,936 --> 00:06:14,591
-43.
-Sold.
105
00:06:16,593 --> 00:06:18,465
Just the one bottle?
106
00:06:18,508 --> 00:06:20,858
Uh... Let's say two.
It's Christmas.
107
00:06:22,120 --> 00:06:23,295
Cheers.
108
00:06:23,339 --> 00:06:25,733
-Snacks.
-Oh, brilliant.
109
00:06:25,776 --> 00:06:28,779
I love food and booze
in the mornin'.
110
00:06:29,954 --> 00:06:32,000
Well done, Jesus,
getting born. Nice work.
111
00:06:33,523 --> 00:06:35,699
We were just talking
about lovely Maya.
112
00:06:35,743 --> 00:06:37,571
She's coming over today,
isn't she?
113
00:06:37,614 --> 00:06:38,746
Yes, she's joining us
for dinner.
114
00:06:38,789 --> 00:06:40,922
Luke sounds
very serious about her.
115
00:06:40,965 --> 00:06:43,011
Well, they've been together
for 10 months.
116
00:06:43,054 --> 00:06:44,491
I was just telling
Jim and Jackie,
117
00:06:44,534 --> 00:06:46,014
Luke couldn't talk
about anything else
118
00:06:46,057 --> 00:06:47,407
when he came to see me.
119
00:06:47,450 --> 00:06:50,845
Oh, very sweet. Young love.
120
00:06:50,888 --> 00:06:54,370
-You will miss him now, Ally.
-What do you mean, miss him?
121
00:06:55,458 --> 00:06:58,200
Oh, I didn't just say that.
122
00:06:58,243 --> 00:07:00,681
Um... What...
What, are those crisps prawn?
123
00:07:00,724 --> 00:07:02,378
Sorry.
What's happening with Luke?
124
00:07:04,119 --> 00:07:07,688
I'm so sorry, Ally.
I've let the cat out the bag.
125
00:07:07,731 --> 00:07:10,125
And set the fucker
amongst the pigeons.
126
00:07:10,168 --> 00:07:13,433
Luke told me he's going to move
in with Maya and her family.
127
00:07:13,476 --> 00:07:15,739
No, he's fucking not.
Since when?
128
00:07:15,783 --> 00:07:17,262
He said he was going to make
the announcement today
129
00:07:17,306 --> 00:07:20,091
-at the dinner table.
-Well, no, sorry, that's not...
130
00:07:20,135 --> 00:07:21,441
that's not happening. I won't...
131
00:07:21,484 --> 00:07:24,487
I won't let him move out.
He's... He's a child.
132
00:07:24,531 --> 00:07:27,969
-He is 18.
-He's an 18-year-old child.
133
00:07:28,012 --> 00:07:30,624
He's not...
He's not moving anywhere,
134
00:07:30,667 --> 00:07:32,626
and I'm... I'm not ready
to let him go, no.
135
00:07:32,669 --> 00:07:35,324
-Not yet. No. Fucking hell.
-Oh.
136
00:07:35,367 --> 00:07:38,632
Maybe he'll change his mind,
Ally, or they'll split up.
137
00:07:38,675 --> 00:07:40,372
No, I d-- I don't... I don't...
138
00:07:40,416 --> 00:07:42,462
I don't want that.
He loves Maya.
139
00:07:45,073 --> 00:07:47,118
Talking of lost loves...
140
00:07:47,162 --> 00:07:49,164
No, Alex and I
have not been in touch
141
00:07:49,207 --> 00:07:52,167
just because it's Christmas.
Divorce is divorce.
142
00:07:52,210 --> 00:07:56,345
We haven't remained friends
like idiots pretend to.
143
00:07:56,388 --> 00:07:57,999
I'm much happier on my own.
144
00:07:58,042 --> 00:07:59,957
Other people just get
in the way, don't they?
145
00:08:04,658 --> 00:08:07,356
Lovely tree, that. 'Cause you...
146
00:08:07,399 --> 00:08:09,793
you used to have that
silver plastic one, didn't you?
147
00:08:09,837 --> 00:08:11,839
Up until a few years ago, yeah.
148
00:08:11,882 --> 00:08:13,144
I thought so.
149
00:08:14,450 --> 00:08:16,626
Ah.
150
00:08:16,670 --> 00:08:18,498
Who... Who made this?
Is this Luke?
151
00:08:18,541 --> 00:08:20,412
Let me see. Oh, yeah.
152
00:08:20,456 --> 00:08:21,979
He did that
at his first nursery.
153
00:08:22,023 --> 00:08:25,766
Oh, the one run by those
mad creationist ladies.
154
00:08:25,809 --> 00:08:27,855
Yeah. They were lovely, though,
I thought. Not mad.
155
00:08:28,812 --> 00:08:29,726
No. Okay.
156
00:08:32,033 --> 00:08:33,687
Well, kids seemed
to enjoy Christmas.
157
00:08:33,730 --> 00:08:35,210
Yeah. Got through it, didn't we?
158
00:08:35,253 --> 00:08:38,387
Yeah, and Ava does actually
seem to be doing all right.
159
00:08:38,430 --> 00:08:42,217
Yeah. Settled in at the new
school, still mates with Grace.
160
00:08:42,260 --> 00:08:46,134
Talked it all out with my dad.
She's, uh, she's good.
161
00:08:48,789 --> 00:08:52,880
Right. Fairy lights off?
Means we're killing Christmas.
162
00:08:54,011 --> 00:08:55,622
Well, kill it.
163
00:09:07,285 --> 00:09:09,636
So, we're done?
164
00:09:09,679 --> 00:09:11,681
Feels like we're done,
doesn't it?
165
00:09:14,641 --> 00:09:17,165
-I was gonna order a takeaway.
-Great.
166
00:09:32,963 --> 00:09:34,312
You really don't need to help.
167
00:09:34,356 --> 00:09:36,967
Oh, I don't mind chopping
a few carrots, love.
168
00:09:37,011 --> 00:09:39,796
It's a big production number,
Christmas dinner.
169
00:09:39,840 --> 00:09:42,886
Ay-up, here she comes.
Happy Christmas, Ava.
170
00:09:42,930 --> 00:09:45,280
Happy Christmas, Granddad.
Hatey Christmas, Leah.
171
00:09:45,323 --> 00:09:47,456
Hatey Christmas to you, too,
my darling.
172
00:09:47,499 --> 00:09:50,154
-Happy Christmas.
-Happy Christmas, love.
173
00:09:50,198 --> 00:09:52,940
-Is it present opening time?
-No, Luke's not awake yet.
174
00:09:52,983 --> 00:09:56,117
-Yes, he is.
-Oh, my God, it lives.
175
00:09:56,160 --> 00:09:58,293
Ha ha. Hello, Granny.
Merry Christmas.
176
00:09:58,336 --> 00:10:00,382
Hi. If you guys want some
champagne, it's just up there.
177
00:10:00,425 --> 00:10:02,036
-Yes, please.
-I'm all right for now.
178
00:10:02,079 --> 00:10:04,952
I'll just get some juice.
179
00:10:10,348 --> 00:10:13,613
Here you go. Gin, tonic,
ice and a slice... of lemon.
180
00:10:13,656 --> 00:10:15,789
Ooh. Is this the shit tonic?
181
00:10:15,832 --> 00:10:17,442
I'm sorry. I didn't ask.
182
00:10:17,486 --> 00:10:19,401
Should I ask? I can never
taste the difference.
183
00:10:19,444 --> 00:10:22,622
-I can, but don't worry.
-So, you said you had news.
184
00:10:22,665 --> 00:10:24,580
You also said that you had news.
185
00:10:24,624 --> 00:10:27,714
Hmm. Would you like to be
the first item on the news,
186
00:10:27,757 --> 00:10:29,629
like a major climate disaster?
187
00:10:29,672 --> 00:10:31,326
Hmm, no, I'll go second,
188
00:10:31,369 --> 00:10:33,894
like "terrorist attack
in Madrid" sort of thing.
189
00:10:33,937 --> 00:10:35,896
Okay.
190
00:10:35,939 --> 00:10:39,682
Uh, well, my news is
actually, uh, romantic news.
191
00:10:39,726 --> 00:10:42,467
Okay. Is this about
the amazing Gabby?
192
00:10:42,511 --> 00:10:44,644
-Gabby?
-Yeah, Gabby.
193
00:10:44,687 --> 00:10:48,212
Oh, Gabby. No, no, no, no.
Um, she didn't really like me.
194
00:10:48,256 --> 00:10:51,476
I mean, she didn't say as much,
but I got the impression.
195
00:10:51,520 --> 00:10:53,827
We went on one further date,
and when I went
196
00:10:53,870 --> 00:10:55,480
to kiss her good night,
she sort of shouted.
197
00:10:55,524 --> 00:10:57,352
Oh, right. Well, that's
not good.
198
00:10:57,395 --> 00:10:59,441
No, and she said she saw
a motorbike behind me
199
00:10:59,484 --> 00:11:03,053
nearly hit a cat,
but not convinced.
200
00:11:03,097 --> 00:11:06,666
Hmm. So what? So, well, then,
what's the romantic news?
201
00:11:06,709 --> 00:11:10,713
Well, Karen and I are...
202
00:11:12,454 --> 00:11:15,152
-...getting back together.
-Really? Well, obviously.
203
00:11:15,196 --> 00:11:16,850
Obvi-- Sorry.
Yeah, obviously, really,
204
00:11:16,893 --> 00:11:18,547
'cause you just said it,
didn't you?
205
00:11:18,590 --> 00:11:20,549
Well, I know it seems
sort of unexpected,
206
00:11:20,592 --> 00:11:24,509
but we just thought it'd be
worth another try, you know?
207
00:11:24,553 --> 00:11:26,642
Still a lot of warmth there.
208
00:11:26,686 --> 00:11:28,905
Warmth. Oh. Okay.
209
00:11:28,949 --> 00:11:30,951
That's really great.
That's so good.
210
00:11:30,994 --> 00:11:32,387
And the twins are exhibiting
211
00:11:32,430 --> 00:11:34,258
some quite, uh, challenging
behavior at the moment,
212
00:11:34,302 --> 00:11:36,260
both excluded from school
last month.
213
00:11:36,304 --> 00:11:37,609
-Wow.
-And they've each been given
214
00:11:37,653 --> 00:11:40,003
a lifetime ballet-stroke-tap ban
215
00:11:40,047 --> 00:11:41,875
from the London Dance Schools'
Association.
216
00:11:41,918 --> 00:11:43,703
-Lifetime?
-I know, harsh.
217
00:11:43,746 --> 00:11:46,749
I mean, it's obviously
an overreaction, but, uh...
218
00:11:46,793 --> 00:11:49,404
they're not budging on it,
so, um...
219
00:11:49,447 --> 00:11:52,537
So you think that getting back
together is gonna help this?
220
00:11:52,581 --> 00:11:56,498
Exactly. Two shoulders
to carry the burden.
221
00:11:56,541 --> 00:11:57,978
Right, yeah.
222
00:11:58,021 --> 00:12:01,242
No, four. No, we've got
two each, haven't we?
223
00:12:01,285 --> 00:12:03,548
-So, what's your news?
-Um...
224
00:12:03,592 --> 00:12:06,073
Paul and I are gonna split up.
225
00:12:09,076 --> 00:12:12,122
Right. You mean you're...
226
00:12:12,166 --> 00:12:14,516
Divorced. Yeah, yeah.
Well, eventually.
227
00:12:14,559 --> 00:12:16,692
We're not gonna tell the kids
for... for a while yet,
228
00:12:16,736 --> 00:12:19,739
but, yeah, it looks like...
it looks like we're over.
229
00:12:21,566 --> 00:12:25,745
I'm so sorry. What caused it?
If that's not...
230
00:12:25,788 --> 00:12:28,617
Oh, a combination of things.
It's been coming for a while,
231
00:12:28,660 --> 00:12:32,447
and, um, yeah, we both felt it,
but we just had to admit it
232
00:12:32,490 --> 00:12:34,318
to ourselves
and then to each other.
233
00:12:36,538 --> 00:12:37,974
Listen, Ally,
if there's anything...
234
00:12:39,236 --> 00:12:42,065
...anything I can do,
just give me a call.
235
00:12:43,632 --> 00:12:45,895
Yeah, I think you're gonna
have your, uh, hands full
236
00:12:45,939 --> 00:12:49,594
with a big... Karen reunion,
aren't you?
237
00:12:49,638 --> 00:12:51,640
Oh, yes, I... yeah.
238
00:12:51,683 --> 00:12:52,946
-Probably will, won't I?
-Yeah.
239
00:12:52,989 --> 00:12:54,991
It's gonna be wonderful,
I'm sure.
240
00:12:56,993 --> 00:13:01,084
According to my phone,
he should be back... now.
241
00:13:01,128 --> 00:13:02,259
Hiya!
242
00:13:05,175 --> 00:13:07,917
Here he is,
the shit Father Christmas.
243
00:13:07,961 --> 00:13:09,484
Piss Kringle.
244
00:13:09,527 --> 00:13:12,704
-Hello, Paul.
-Hatey Christmas, Mother-in-Law.
245
00:13:12,748 --> 00:13:14,924
-Hello, offspring.
-Really sorry you had to go
246
00:13:14,968 --> 00:13:17,318
all the way back to our place,
Paul, after bringing us here.
247
00:13:17,361 --> 00:13:19,102
I'm an idiot.
248
00:13:19,146 --> 00:13:21,844
It's fine.
You need your meds now.
249
00:13:21,888 --> 00:13:23,585
Here we are, then, sonny.
Happy Christmas.
250
00:13:23,628 --> 00:13:27,023
What a good little Geordie.
Right, what we got here?
251
00:13:27,067 --> 00:13:30,374
-Some house keys and medication.
-Thank you.
252
00:13:30,418 --> 00:13:33,116
Oh, I also found this, actually,
next to the tablets.
253
00:13:33,160 --> 00:13:35,162
Manuka honey.
That's medicinal, isn't it?
254
00:13:35,205 --> 00:13:36,511
I didn't know
if you needed some.
255
00:13:36,554 --> 00:13:37,599
Oh, no, that's Jim's.
256
00:13:37,642 --> 00:13:39,296
-I don't touch honey.
-Oh, Jesus.
257
00:13:39,340 --> 00:13:40,950
It comes out of bees' bum holes.
258
00:13:42,343 --> 00:13:44,301
-Does it?
-Doesn't it?
259
00:13:45,389 --> 00:13:47,174
I don't think it does.
260
00:13:47,217 --> 00:13:50,177
Well, whatever. I just don't
like the thought of it.
261
00:13:50,220 --> 00:13:52,222
-Yeah.
-Thousands of 'em
262
00:13:52,266 --> 00:13:56,313
crawling all over the honey
in that tiny space,
263
00:13:56,357 --> 00:13:58,359
and then you're meant
to eat it. Ugh.
264
00:13:58,402 --> 00:14:00,230
-No, thank you very much.
-Yeah.
265
00:14:00,274 --> 00:14:02,537
I love sandwich spread.
266
00:14:02,580 --> 00:14:05,322
Sandwich spread
doesn't cure arthritis.
267
00:14:05,366 --> 00:14:07,585
And neither does
a 30-quid jar of honey,
268
00:14:07,629 --> 00:14:08,978
you gullible old sod.
269
00:14:10,719 --> 00:14:12,547
I also realized that we
didn't have any whisky,
270
00:14:12,590 --> 00:14:14,070
so, uh, I got some
on the way back.
271
00:14:14,114 --> 00:14:15,942
Cheap old paint stripper. 43%.
272
00:14:15,985 --> 00:14:18,683
Oh, magic. Burnin' nectar.
273
00:14:18,727 --> 00:14:21,861
Right. I'll get this off,
and, um, yeah. Presents?
274
00:14:21,904 --> 00:14:22,992
-Yes. Yes!
-Yay!
275
00:14:25,603 --> 00:14:27,083
-So, we're saying--
-Oh, oh, mind, mind.
276
00:14:27,127 --> 00:14:30,391
-Dog dirt.
-Who still says "dog dirt"?
277
00:14:30,434 --> 00:14:32,741
Me, clearly.
278
00:14:32,784 --> 00:14:35,048
Do you still say "women's lib"
and "continental quilt"?
279
00:14:36,701 --> 00:14:38,181
Someone's got to, don't they?
280
00:14:38,225 --> 00:14:40,401
So, we're saying no lawyers?
281
00:14:40,444 --> 00:14:41,837
Yeah, I don't think
we need 'em. Do you?
282
00:14:41,881 --> 00:14:44,057
-I mean, we're reasonable.
-Well, you're fucking not.
283
00:14:44,100 --> 00:14:45,536
No, it's just,
284
00:14:45,580 --> 00:14:49,671
loads of people manage
to split up without lawyers
285
00:14:49,714 --> 00:14:53,066
poking their noses in,
and they cost a bomb.
286
00:14:53,109 --> 00:14:55,677
Yeah, but actual divorce,
like the, you know,
287
00:14:55,720 --> 00:14:57,853
actual sort of
legal thingummyjiggy...
288
00:14:57,897 --> 00:14:59,724
Go on. Go on, Rumpole.
289
00:14:59,768 --> 00:15:02,118
But that's, like, that's further
down the road a bit, right?
290
00:15:02,162 --> 00:15:04,599
Yes. I think it goes,
291
00:15:04,642 --> 00:15:08,298
I move out. We have some sort
of temporary plan financially,
292
00:15:08,342 --> 00:15:10,735
-the kids and all of that...
-Yeah.
293
00:15:10,779 --> 00:15:12,694
...and then divorce.
294
00:15:12,737 --> 00:15:14,087
Right.
295
00:15:14,130 --> 00:15:15,958
Hmm.
296
00:15:16,002 --> 00:15:18,265
-Yeah.
-Thanks, mate, yeah.
297
00:15:20,528 --> 00:15:22,269
Is there
a Christmas pudding, Ally?
298
00:15:22,312 --> 00:15:24,836
There's one for you, Jim.
No one else eats it.
299
00:15:24,880 --> 00:15:28,275
That's very kind.
Why does no one else eat it?
300
00:15:28,318 --> 00:15:30,930
-'Cause it's rank.
-It is rank, Granddad.
301
00:15:30,973 --> 00:15:34,629
Raisins. Brown stuff.
More brown stuff. Bits of peel.
302
00:15:34,672 --> 00:15:37,110
One of those things
I love the idea of,
303
00:15:37,153 --> 00:15:38,850
but I don't actually enjoy.
304
00:15:38,894 --> 00:15:41,679
-Like marriage.
-Precisely.
305
00:15:43,333 --> 00:15:44,291
I'll go.
306
00:15:46,728 --> 00:15:48,164
-Darren.
-Yes.
307
00:15:48,208 --> 00:15:50,123
-Come in, mate. Merry Christmas.
-Thank you.
308
00:15:52,777 --> 00:15:54,431
-It's just you?
-Yes.
309
00:15:54,475 --> 00:15:55,955
Karen's got the twins today.
I tossed for it.
310
00:15:55,998 --> 00:15:57,869
She lost.
311
00:15:57,913 --> 00:16:00,785
She lost.
No, seriously, she did lose.
312
00:16:00,829 --> 00:16:01,961
-Oh, right. Hmm.
-Yeah.
313
00:16:07,357 --> 00:16:09,142
Hey, folks. Look who I found.
314
00:16:11,535 --> 00:16:12,928
Are your lovely girls with you?
315
00:16:12,972 --> 00:16:15,626
No, they're spending
Christmas Day with their mum.
316
00:16:15,670 --> 00:16:16,801
Oh.
317
00:16:16,845 --> 00:16:18,455
-Happy Christmas.
-Here, let me take that.
318
00:16:18,499 --> 00:16:20,675
Luke, get this man
a glass of fizz.
319
00:16:20,718 --> 00:16:23,373
-Oh.
-How are you?
320
00:16:24,505 --> 00:16:27,029
Mm. Oh, shit.
321
00:16:27,073 --> 00:16:28,552
-Hmm?
-Shit. Behind you.
322
00:16:28,596 --> 00:16:32,730
Bald bloke over there?
Porn star in the '70s. Yeah.
323
00:16:32,774 --> 00:16:34,994
Nothing hardcore. Just, uh...
324
00:16:35,037 --> 00:16:38,258
The soft stuff, you know,
Randy Bin Man on the Job.
325
00:16:38,301 --> 00:16:40,347
Or Confessions of
a Project Manager.
326
00:16:40,390 --> 00:16:42,044
-That was a sexy film.
-Ah.
327
00:16:42,088 --> 00:16:44,003
That was really, really sexy.
328
00:16:44,046 --> 00:16:46,309
-Big, Bald and Bouncy.
-Oh, didn't that win the Oscar?
329
00:16:46,353 --> 00:16:48,224
No, they went with
Kramer vs. Kramerthat year.
330
00:16:48,268 --> 00:16:50,661
Fucking idiots.
331
00:16:51,967 --> 00:16:53,795
-Hmm. Cheers.
-Cheers.
332
00:16:55,579 --> 00:16:56,537
Ahh.
333
00:17:00,062 --> 00:17:01,498
And we're getting on
a lot better
334
00:17:01,542 --> 00:17:04,197
since we decided to split up.
335
00:17:04,240 --> 00:17:06,547
Yeah. Yeah, we are, aren't we?
336
00:17:11,421 --> 00:17:13,771
I'm still really,
really angry about...
337
00:17:15,556 --> 00:17:17,862
Big, Bald and Bouncy.
338
00:17:17,906 --> 00:17:19,342
Yes.
339
00:17:19,386 --> 00:17:21,040
-He was fucking robbed.
-Yeah.
340
00:17:21,083 --> 00:17:22,389
I mean,
how bald was Hoffman?
341
00:17:22,432 --> 00:17:23,477
-He was not bald at all.
-No.
342
00:17:23,520 --> 00:17:26,175
He was the exact opposite
of bald.
343
00:17:26,219 --> 00:17:28,699
-Which would be?
-Very, very hairish.
344
00:17:28,743 --> 00:17:30,397
Exactly. Hairish.
345
00:17:31,615 --> 00:17:33,182
-Christ.
-Luke's gonna move in
346
00:17:33,226 --> 00:17:34,923
with Maya's family.
347
00:17:34,966 --> 00:17:36,881
-No, he's fucking not.
-That's what I said.
348
00:17:36,925 --> 00:17:38,883
What? Who said
he wants to move out?
349
00:17:38,927 --> 00:17:40,450
He mentioned it to Mum,
and apparently
350
00:17:40,494 --> 00:17:41,843
he's gonna tell us all
at dinner today.
351
00:17:41,886 --> 00:17:43,801
But that's ridiculous.
He can't just move out.
352
00:17:43,845 --> 00:17:46,065
No, I know. I'm not ready
for him to go. I'm really not.
353
00:17:46,108 --> 00:17:47,762
Well, that's okay, Al,
'cause he's not going.
354
00:17:47,805 --> 00:17:50,852
God.
I mean, I understand that
355
00:17:50,895 --> 00:17:52,506
he's crazy in love
with Maya, and she's...
356
00:17:52,549 --> 00:17:53,942
she's g--
she's great for him.
357
00:17:53,985 --> 00:17:55,248
Best thing that's
ever happened to him.
358
00:17:55,291 --> 00:17:56,727
-Yeah.
-But still, he's got exams.
359
00:17:56,771 --> 00:17:59,208
He's got a family. Christ,
he's already moved out once,
360
00:17:59,252 --> 00:18:00,514
hasn't he? When he walloped me.
361
00:18:00,557 --> 00:18:02,690
Then he moved back in.
362
00:18:02,733 --> 00:18:04,605
Then I moved out. It's enough
fucking moving out, okay?
363
00:18:04,648 --> 00:18:06,955
He's still little. I mean,
he's big, but he's still little.
364
00:18:06,998 --> 00:18:09,349
I'm not finished with him yet.
He's like an unfinished project,
365
00:18:09,392 --> 00:18:10,872
like one of your mum's jigsaws.
366
00:18:13,657 --> 00:18:15,703
-Fucking hell.
-I know.
367
00:18:18,053 --> 00:18:20,925
Okay, so, so...
how are we supposed to react
368
00:18:20,969 --> 00:18:22,362
when... when he tells us this?
369
00:18:22,405 --> 00:18:24,059
'Cause we can't embarrass him
in front of Maya...
370
00:18:24,103 --> 00:18:25,278
-Yeah.
-...and have him fucking,
371
00:18:25,321 --> 00:18:27,802
you know, storm off
and go mental, so...
372
00:18:30,152 --> 00:18:32,981
We've got to be
reasonable and practical
373
00:18:33,024 --> 00:18:37,290
and say that we, uh, that we...
we know how in love they are.
374
00:18:37,333 --> 00:18:39,988
-Yeah.
-But that...
375
00:18:40,031 --> 00:18:42,947
I don't know. Talk about how he
needs to focus on his exams...
376
00:18:42,991 --> 00:18:44,340
-Right, okay.
-...and all that stuff.
377
00:18:44,384 --> 00:18:47,952
Yeah, okay. God Almighty,
when does parenting end?
378
00:18:47,996 --> 00:18:49,867
About the time
the crematorium curtains close
379
00:18:49,911 --> 00:18:51,782
and the kids have put
the house on Rightmove.
380
00:19:04,839 --> 00:19:06,710
-That sounds amazing.
-Mm.
381
00:19:06,754 --> 00:19:08,321
It's... How tall is it, Maya?
382
00:19:08,364 --> 00:19:10,018
Uh, it's 38 floors up,
383
00:19:10,061 --> 00:19:11,802
and you look out
over Tower Bridge
384
00:19:11,846 --> 00:19:15,023
and along the Thames
and yeah, we go every Christmas.
385
00:19:15,066 --> 00:19:17,286
Me, my mum, my dad,
and my sister and her lot.
386
00:19:17,330 --> 00:19:18,679
-Oh.
-Sounds amazing.
387
00:19:18,722 --> 00:19:20,985
Christmas dinner
at a restaurant.
388
00:19:21,029 --> 00:19:22,726
I'm not sure I approve.
389
00:19:22,770 --> 00:19:24,859
Oh, that's because you've never
had to cook the bloody thing.
390
00:19:24,902 --> 00:19:26,861
Well, we're very honored indeed
391
00:19:26,904 --> 00:19:29,342
that you've chosen
to be with us today.
392
00:19:29,385 --> 00:19:32,258
Mum, you sound like a mayoress.
393
00:19:32,301 --> 00:19:33,607
We are, though, Maya.
394
00:19:33,650 --> 00:19:35,043
Oh, I wouldn't have
missed it for the world,
395
00:19:35,086 --> 00:19:37,350
so thank you for having me.
I really love it here.
396
00:19:37,393 --> 00:19:38,568
-Good.
-Can I use
397
00:19:38,612 --> 00:19:40,831
-me pudding spoon for the gravy?
-No.
398
00:19:40,875 --> 00:19:42,398
Hang on.
I'll get you another one.
399
00:19:42,442 --> 00:19:45,358
It's not soup, Jim. It's gravy.
400
00:19:45,401 --> 00:19:48,796
-It's quite a fine line, though.
-Exactly.
401
00:19:48,839 --> 00:19:52,887
-Thank you, love.
-Don't encourage him.
402
00:19:52,930 --> 00:19:55,237
Come on. We're not
gonna get a seat at this rate.
403
00:19:55,281 --> 00:19:57,065
Standing room only,
like a royal wedding.
404
00:19:57,108 --> 00:19:59,110
Yeah, or a public hanging.
405
00:19:59,154 --> 00:20:00,677
...for Darren and Karen,
406
00:20:00,721 --> 00:20:03,811
and it's lovely to see
such a lot of people here
407
00:20:03,854 --> 00:20:07,771
to wish this couple well
as they join together
408
00:20:07,815 --> 00:20:10,078
and continue
their life's journey.
409
00:20:10,121 --> 00:20:13,603
Okay, then, so on
to the all-important vows,
410
00:20:13,647 --> 00:20:15,475
written, I think, by--
411
00:20:15,518 --> 00:20:18,739
Karen. She... She wrote them.
412
00:20:18,782 --> 00:20:20,219
-Excellent.
-Come on.
413
00:20:20,262 --> 00:20:22,395
-Wow.
-Okay, Darren, are you ready?
414
00:20:22,438 --> 00:20:23,918
Sure.
415
00:20:23,961 --> 00:20:26,312
-So, repeat after me.
-Mm-hmm.
416
00:20:26,355 --> 00:20:28,531
-I, Darren...
-I, Darren...
417
00:20:28,575 --> 00:20:31,752
-...promise you, Karen...
-...promise you, Karen...
418
00:20:31,795 --> 00:20:34,581
...to be a faithful partner
amid the joys...
419
00:20:34,624 --> 00:20:37,497
...amid the joys...
420
00:20:37,540 --> 00:20:39,890
To be a faithful partner
amid the joys.
421
00:20:39,934 --> 00:20:41,327
Sorry.
422
00:20:41,370 --> 00:20:45,069
To be a faithful partner
amid all the joys...
423
00:20:45,113 --> 00:20:47,942
-Sorry, was it "all"?
-No, but it's all right.
424
00:20:47,985 --> 00:20:50,858
And the sorrows
of our life together.
425
00:20:50,901 --> 00:20:53,077
And the sorrows
of our life together.
426
00:20:53,121 --> 00:20:54,775
Don't lead with sorrow.
427
00:20:54,818 --> 00:20:56,907
-Never lead with sorrow. Yeah.
-Terrible vows.
428
00:20:56,951 --> 00:20:58,996
They're, like,
really shit vows.
429
00:20:59,040 --> 00:21:00,607
I will be your rock.
430
00:21:01,608 --> 00:21:03,131
I will be your rock.
431
00:21:03,174 --> 00:21:04,741
I will be your staff.
432
00:21:04,785 --> 00:21:07,266
-I will be your staff.
-That means walking stick,
433
00:21:07,309 --> 00:21:09,529
not an actual member
of her staff.
434
00:21:09,572 --> 00:21:11,574
-Although...
-I will be your lover
435
00:21:11,618 --> 00:21:12,967
and your comrade.
436
00:21:13,010 --> 00:21:15,535
I will be your lover
and your comrade.
437
00:21:15,578 --> 00:21:18,581
-Oh, calm down, Stalin.
-Your partner in crime...
438
00:21:18,625 --> 00:21:21,671
-Wow. Tax avoidance.
-Your partner in crime...
439
00:21:21,715 --> 00:21:24,195
And... your playmate.
440
00:21:24,239 --> 00:21:27,590
-Fucking hell.
-And your playmate.
441
00:21:27,634 --> 00:21:29,984
And I promise in front
of the congregation
442
00:21:30,027 --> 00:21:34,205
gathered here
to love you forever.
443
00:21:34,249 --> 00:21:37,034
And I promise
in front of the congregation
444
00:21:37,078 --> 00:21:40,734
gathered here
to love you forever.
445
00:21:42,039 --> 00:21:45,956
We are giving each other
a second chance...
446
00:21:46,000 --> 00:21:49,090
We are giving
each other a second chance.
447
00:21:49,133 --> 00:21:50,700
...trying again...
448
00:21:50,744 --> 00:21:53,834
-...trying again...
-...together today...
449
00:21:53,877 --> 00:21:56,010
...together today...
450
00:21:56,053 --> 00:21:59,318
...and for all
the days of our lives.
451
00:21:59,361 --> 00:22:02,364
...and for all
the days of our lives.
452
00:22:04,627 --> 00:22:06,934
That was nice.
It was a nice ceremony.
453
00:22:06,977 --> 00:22:08,327
-Very sweet.
-Susie did great.
454
00:22:08,370 --> 00:22:10,416
-I really like her.
-She's good, isn't she?
455
00:22:10,459 --> 00:22:12,374
Yeah. So how long
do you give 'em?
456
00:22:12,418 --> 00:22:13,636
-As a couple?
-Yeah.
457
00:22:13,680 --> 00:22:16,073
-Six.
-Months?
458
00:22:16,117 --> 00:22:17,858
No, minutes.
They're fucking doomed.
459
00:22:20,077 --> 00:22:22,166
And are we undoomed now,
do you think?
460
00:22:25,866 --> 00:22:27,520
Okay.
461
00:22:27,563 --> 00:22:32,655
Ally, I need to tell you...
I'm sorry.
462
00:22:32,699 --> 00:22:34,875
I did fancy Gabby.
463
00:22:34,918 --> 00:22:37,051
Clearly, I did. Clearly, I did.
464
00:22:37,094 --> 00:22:39,488
And I lied to you.
465
00:22:40,924 --> 00:22:42,883
I thought
it was this kind of fun,
466
00:22:42,926 --> 00:22:47,844
uncomplicated world,
and I really liked it, okay?
467
00:22:47,888 --> 00:22:51,631
So, without getting too
Nuremberg trials about it all...
468
00:22:51,674 --> 00:22:53,720
-You fucker!
-...I'm sorry.
469
00:22:53,763 --> 00:22:56,157
You sorry fucker.
470
00:22:59,029 --> 00:23:00,422
-Do you forgive me?
-No.
471
00:23:00,466 --> 00:23:01,597
Fuck.
472
00:23:05,079 --> 00:23:07,690
So, what do you reckon
we do now?
473
00:23:09,823 --> 00:23:11,259
Well, I think we carry on
474
00:23:11,302 --> 00:23:14,349
believing that we're going
to split up because this is
475
00:23:14,393 --> 00:23:16,395
the best that we've got on
in fucking months.
476
00:23:16,438 --> 00:23:18,571
I agree. I agree.
477
00:23:21,269 --> 00:23:23,010
-Let's split up.
-Let's split up.
478
00:23:24,968 --> 00:23:27,493
-Do you want some more?
-Mm. Thank you.
479
00:23:27,536 --> 00:23:30,713
-That was so delicious, Ally.
-Yeah, Mum, that was amazing.
480
00:23:30,757 --> 00:23:32,106
Um, are you sure you don't
want some wine, Maya?
481
00:23:32,149 --> 00:23:34,064
-Oh, no, no, I'm fine, thanks.
-Mmm.
482
00:23:34,108 --> 00:23:36,023
Does nobody else want any
of this Christmas puddin'?
483
00:23:36,066 --> 00:23:37,416
It's delicious.
484
00:23:37,459 --> 00:23:40,244
Stop trying to push
your pudding onto everyone.
485
00:23:42,986 --> 00:23:44,727
Did that sound a bit rude?
486
00:23:44,771 --> 00:23:47,774
A bit rude, yeah.
487
00:23:47,817 --> 00:23:49,863
Christmas pudding.
Love a bit of Christmas pudding.
488
00:23:49,906 --> 00:23:52,822
There we go!
Good on you, Darren.
489
00:23:52,866 --> 00:23:55,259
Oh, listen, there's loads
of this trifle left.
490
00:23:55,303 --> 00:23:56,783
-Who needs some?
-Oh--
491
00:23:56,826 --> 00:23:59,089
I need to say something,
actually.
492
00:24:00,351 --> 00:24:02,658
All right. Okay.
493
00:24:05,879 --> 00:24:07,358
-It's all gone really quiet now.
-Ah.
494
00:24:09,099 --> 00:24:10,666
Um...
495
00:24:10,710 --> 00:24:14,278
I need to say that I am gonna be
moving in with Maya's family.
496
00:24:18,674 --> 00:24:20,763
Are you? Okay.
497
00:24:20,807 --> 00:24:23,244
And have you thought
about this, love?
498
00:24:23,287 --> 00:24:25,159
Yeah. Yeah.
499
00:24:26,682 --> 00:24:28,989
I'm really sorry to be
stealing him away.
500
00:24:29,032 --> 00:24:30,556
I know you'll miss me
being around.
501
00:24:30,599 --> 00:24:32,862
It's just I think that it's
important that we're together.
502
00:24:32,906 --> 00:24:35,865
Uh, look, we... we know
how much in love you both are,
503
00:24:35,909 --> 00:24:37,476
and that is brilliant--
504
00:24:37,519 --> 00:24:40,783
Thank you. We are.
But also...
505
00:24:44,265 --> 00:24:45,222
I'm pregnant.
506
00:24:48,399 --> 00:24:51,402
Yeah. That's...
That's the main reason.
507
00:24:51,446 --> 00:24:53,013
We're...
We're gonna have a baby.
508
00:25:00,542 --> 00:25:02,196
Fucking Nora.
38561
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