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1
00:00:23,059 --> 00:00:24,569
Lotta shit happened
this season, people.
2
00:00:24,593 --> 00:00:25,776
Lotta shit.
3
00:00:25,800 --> 00:00:28,227
So much shit, I'm compelled
to recap that shit for you.
4
00:00:28,251 --> 00:00:30,267
Also, I tested very
well as a character,
5
00:00:30,291 --> 00:00:31,837
so the producer would
like to shoehorn me
6
00:00:31,861 --> 00:00:33,234
into the show whenever possible.
7
00:00:33,965 --> 00:00:35,208
Okay. Oh, man.
8
00:00:35,232 --> 00:00:36,911
This season's been
compellin' as fuck.
9
00:00:36,935 --> 00:00:38,201
Lots of twists and turns.
10
00:00:38,268 --> 00:00:40,271
Cable ACE Award-winnin' stuff.
11
00:00:40,338 --> 00:00:41,338
When we last left off,
12
00:00:41,405 --> 00:00:43,719
that tiny rat
bastard, Dr. Psycho,
13
00:00:43,743 --> 00:00:44,780
had betrayed Harley.
14
00:00:44,804 --> 00:00:46,506
Turns out, that
tricky motherfucker
15
00:00:46,530 --> 00:00:48,205
was in cahoots with the Riddler.
16
00:00:48,229 --> 00:00:49,990
And, with the help of
some bullshit technology
17
00:00:50,014 --> 00:00:51,348
straight out of a comic book,
18
00:00:51,415 --> 00:00:53,850
they now control a army of
blood-sucking parademons,
19
00:00:53,917 --> 00:00:56,064
courtesy of Darkseid.
20
00:00:56,088 --> 00:00:57,231
Dark-side? I don't know
how to pronounce that shit.
21
00:00:57,255 --> 00:00:59,234
So, now, the only way
Harley can stop Psycho
22
00:00:59,258 --> 00:01:00,735
is with the help of
the Justice League.
23
00:01:00,759 --> 00:01:02,369
[gulps] But wouldn't
you fucking know,
24
00:01:02,393 --> 00:01:04,629
they're trapped in the
Queen of Fables' storybook.
25
00:01:04,695 --> 00:01:06,296
Remember that
shit from Season 1?
26
00:01:06,364 --> 00:01:07,941
Look at how intricately woven
27
00:01:07,965 --> 00:01:09,233
this storytellin' shit is.
28
00:01:09,299 --> 00:01:11,402
Peabody Award-level shit here.
29
00:01:11,468 --> 00:01:13,004
Further complicating matters is,
30
00:01:13,069 --> 00:01:15,406
the only motherfucker who
knows where that book is,
31
00:01:15,472 --> 00:01:16,518
- is the Joker.
- [coughs]
32
00:01:16,542 --> 00:01:18,343
But, that dude's a
khaki-wearin' amnesiac,
33
00:01:18,409 --> 00:01:19,677
who's somehow whiter now
34
00:01:19,743 --> 00:01:21,945
than when he was the
color of paint primer.
35
00:01:22,013 --> 00:01:24,292
And now, our heroine,
Ms. Harley Quinn,
36
00:01:24,316 --> 00:01:25,828
has gone against
her better judgement,
37
00:01:25,852 --> 00:01:27,695
and has dumped the
Joker back into acid
38
00:01:27,719 --> 00:01:29,387
to jog that
motherfucker's memory,
39
00:01:29,453 --> 00:01:30,954
so he can find the storybook,
40
00:01:31,022 --> 00:01:32,189
free the Justice League,
41
00:01:32,256 --> 00:01:34,158
and take down Psycho
and his fuckin' army.
42
00:01:34,224 --> 00:01:35,201
[whoops]
43
00:01:35,225 --> 00:01:36,903
This is some George R.R. Martin,
44
00:01:36,927 --> 00:01:38,206
Emmy Award-winnin' shit.
45
00:01:38,230 --> 00:01:39,439
Now, get yourself some popcorn,
46
00:01:39,463 --> 00:01:40,564
and let's watch.
47
00:01:40,632 --> 00:01:44,682
[suspenseful music playing]
48
00:01:50,207 --> 00:01:52,757
[gurgling softly]
49
00:01:57,981 --> 00:01:59,331
[hissing]
50
00:02:03,421 --> 00:02:06,570
[laughing maniacally]
51
00:02:10,360 --> 00:02:12,163
[groaning]
52
00:02:12,229 --> 00:02:13,497
[Harley grunting]
53
00:02:15,332 --> 00:02:17,001
[shouting] Where's
the fucking book?
54
00:02:17,534 --> 00:02:19,770
[theme music playing]
55
00:02:21,972 --> 00:02:23,675
[Dr. Psycho laughing]
56
00:02:23,741 --> 00:02:27,711
Begin the taking of Gotham City!
57
00:02:28,312 --> 00:02:30,046
[ominous music playing]
58
00:02:30,848 --> 00:02:31,981
[screeches]
59
00:02:34,085 --> 00:02:36,653
- [whimpering]
- [screeching]
60
00:02:37,199 --> 00:02:38,199
[whimpering]
61
00:02:38,823 --> 00:02:39,858
[screams]
62
00:02:40,991 --> 00:02:41,991
[all screaming]
63
00:02:44,127 --> 00:02:45,127
[snarls]
64
00:02:45,963 --> 00:02:47,063
[screeching]
65
00:02:49,967 --> 00:02:52,637
[Riddler] Riddle me
this... [inhales] Oh.
66
00:02:53,169 --> 00:02:54,181
What's the next move?
67
00:02:54,205 --> 00:02:55,239
- Not a riddle.
- [gasps]
68
00:02:55,306 --> 00:02:57,419
This whole, uh, sidekick thing
69
00:02:57,443 --> 00:02:59,610
has made me real
rusty with my rids.
70
00:02:59,676 --> 00:03:02,948
God! Get me Darkseid.
71
00:03:03,014 --> 00:03:05,014
Oh. You want me to get him.
72
00:03:05,081 --> 00:03:06,288
Oh. Sorry.
73
00:03:06,312 --> 00:03:08,795
My phone doesn't have an
inter-dimensional data plan.
74
00:03:08,819 --> 00:03:09,816
Good lord!
75
00:03:09,840 --> 00:03:10,990
[sarcastically] Some
assistant you are.
76
00:03:11,014 --> 00:03:12,199
Give me my phone.
77
00:03:12,223 --> 00:03:13,417
Okay, Ds.
78
00:03:13,441 --> 00:03:15,502
Deadshot, Deathstroke,
Dee Dee, Doctor Aesop,
79
00:03:15,526 --> 00:03:17,871
Doctor Death, Doctor
Hurt, Doctor Trapp,
80
00:03:17,895 --> 00:03:19,105
Doctor Rabinowitz...
81
00:03:19,129 --> 00:03:21,376
What is Doctor
Rabinowitz's super power?
82
00:03:21,400 --> 00:03:22,976
Skin care. He's
my dermatologist.
83
00:03:23,000 --> 00:03:24,100
I get adult acne.
84
00:03:24,168 --> 00:03:25,704
Here it is. Oh! [chuckles]
85
00:03:25,770 --> 00:03:27,309
I put him under The
Darkseid. That's what's wrong.
86
00:03:27,321 --> 00:03:27,747
[phone beeps]
87
00:03:27,771 --> 00:03:28,806
[ringing]
88
00:03:28,873 --> 00:03:31,742
[Joker] What the fuck
is your problem, Harley?
89
00:03:31,810 --> 00:03:33,544
I should kill you for that.
90
00:03:33,610 --> 00:03:34,621
Good. You're back.
91
00:03:34,645 --> 00:03:35,823
Now, where's the
Queen of Fables' book?
92
00:03:35,847 --> 00:03:37,490
You had it in the tower,
the tower collapsed.
93
00:03:37,514 --> 00:03:40,050
What happened to it?
94
00:03:40,116 --> 00:03:42,186
What happened to me?
95
00:03:42,252 --> 00:03:44,855
Oh, God! Oh, no.
96
00:03:44,923 --> 00:03:45,923
Oh, shit.
97
00:03:45,956 --> 00:03:46,983
What are you doing?
98
00:03:47,007 --> 00:03:48,727
[nervously] I'm
starting to remember.
99
00:03:51,395 --> 00:03:54,846
[ominous music playing]
100
00:04:01,138 --> 00:04:02,439
[monitor beeping]
101
00:04:02,507 --> 00:04:06,106
[cheerful music playing]
102
00:04:07,878 --> 00:04:09,528
[inaudible]
103
00:04:21,992 --> 00:04:24,692
[puppy whimpering]
104
00:04:27,331 --> 00:04:28,800
[puppy barking]
105
00:04:30,166 --> 00:04:31,468
[puppy barking]
106
00:04:32,771 --> 00:04:37,584
- [tires screeching]
- [crashes]
107
00:04:37,608 --> 00:04:40,158
[cracks knuckles]
108
00:04:47,000 --> 00:04:48,586
What did I become?
109
00:04:48,653 --> 00:04:50,622
A suburban dad.
Who gives a shit?
110
00:04:50,687 --> 00:04:52,023
Where's the fucking book?
111
00:04:52,089 --> 00:04:53,223
I'm not helping you!
112
00:04:53,290 --> 00:04:54,375
You're the whole reason
113
00:04:54,399 --> 00:04:56,137
I ended up spending
six months of my life
114
00:04:56,161 --> 00:04:58,495
in khaki shorts,
a Hawaiian shirt,
115
00:04:58,562 --> 00:05:00,641
and a cell phone
clipped to my belt!
116
00:05:00,665 --> 00:05:02,447
Yeah. Thought you might
say somethin' like that,
117
00:05:02,471 --> 00:05:03,911
which is why I'm not
giving you a choice.
118
00:05:03,935 --> 00:05:05,846
You can't tell me what to do!
119
00:05:05,870 --> 00:05:06,847
I'm the Joker,
120
00:05:06,871 --> 00:05:09,850
Gotham's clown prince of crime.
121
00:05:09,874 --> 00:05:10,851
I'm gonna...
122
00:05:10,875 --> 00:05:12,752
Blow up if you don't
help me find the book.
123
00:05:12,776 --> 00:05:14,021
Before you came to,
124
00:05:14,045 --> 00:05:15,545
I put a bomb in your head,
125
00:05:15,612 --> 00:05:17,415
and I got the
clicker right here.
126
00:05:17,482 --> 00:05:18,783
Hey! That's my bit.
127
00:05:19,283 --> 00:05:20,651
[beeping]
128
00:05:22,252 --> 00:05:23,855
[growls] Fine.
129
00:05:23,922 --> 00:05:26,922
I guess we're going
to Bethany's house.
130
00:05:27,257 --> 00:05:29,137
[Batman] I lost communication
with the Batplane
131
00:05:29,161 --> 00:05:30,138
around Wayne Tower.
132
00:05:30,162 --> 00:05:32,307
Master Wayne, you know
you don't have to narrate for me.
133
00:05:32,331 --> 00:05:34,398
I'm quite adept at context clue.
134
00:05:34,464 --> 00:05:36,100
If I can just get
a glimpse of it.
135
00:05:36,168 --> 00:05:37,877
I can use the city
surveillance systems
136
00:05:37,901 --> 00:05:38,712
and track it.
137
00:05:38,736 --> 00:05:40,805
- There! No.
- [clicking]
138
00:05:40,872 --> 00:05:45,843
No. No. No. No.
139
00:05:45,910 --> 00:05:46,911
[clicking]
140
00:05:48,211 --> 00:05:49,613
Computer. Enhance.
141
00:05:49,680 --> 00:05:50,814
[Alfred] We have a new OS.
142
00:05:50,882 --> 00:05:52,283
All you have to do is say,
143
00:05:52,350 --> 00:05:53,685
"Hey, Batcomputer,"
144
00:05:53,750 --> 00:05:55,386
and then whatever
you want it to do.
145
00:05:55,452 --> 00:05:57,064
Hey, Batcomputer.
146
00:05:57,088 --> 00:05:58,456
Zoom in on picture.
147
00:05:58,523 --> 00:06:01,324
Joker's back, and
Harley's with him.
148
00:06:01,391 --> 00:06:02,860
They must be behind this.
149
00:06:03,593 --> 00:06:06,764
It's time for
Batman to... return.
150
00:06:06,831 --> 00:06:08,432
[sternly] No, Master Wayne.
151
00:06:08,499 --> 00:06:10,434
Come on, Alfred. I am ready.
152
00:06:10,500 --> 00:06:11,769
Oh, I'm not worried about you.
153
00:06:11,836 --> 00:06:14,237
I just haven't had a chance
to disinfect the Batsuit.
154
00:06:14,305 --> 00:06:16,507
Fine. Okay. Clean the suit...
155
00:06:16,574 --> 00:06:17,975
[softly] then Batman begins.
156
00:06:18,309 --> 00:06:19,711
Again.
157
00:06:19,776 --> 00:06:23,226
[ominous music playing]
158
00:06:25,615 --> 00:06:26,850
[screeching]
159
00:06:27,685 --> 00:06:29,396
All right. This all
looks perfect to me.
160
00:06:29,420 --> 00:06:30,564
Can we go to the
dress fitting now?
161
00:06:30,588 --> 00:06:32,156
Babe, let's at least have Debbie
162
00:06:32,223 --> 00:06:33,233
show us around.
163
00:06:33,257 --> 00:06:34,264
What's the rush?
164
00:06:34,288 --> 00:06:36,675
[nervously] What? There's no
rush. There's no rush. I'm chillin'.
165
00:06:36,699 --> 00:06:39,396
So, I heard one of
you loves to fondue.
166
00:06:39,463 --> 00:06:41,766
Fon-do I ever!
167
00:06:42,634 --> 00:06:43,701
Fon-damn it!
168
00:06:43,767 --> 00:06:45,670
Oh. We'll figure
out a fix for that.
169
00:06:45,737 --> 00:06:47,480
Babe, are you sure
170
00:06:47,504 --> 00:06:48,983
you don't wanna
postpone the nupties?
171
00:06:49,007 --> 00:06:50,750
You know, just until
we get the whole
172
00:06:50,774 --> 00:06:53,778
"unpredictable flying
demons" sitch figured out?
173
00:06:53,845 --> 00:06:57,658
Like, I'm not even sure
I can kite down the aisle
174
00:06:57,682 --> 00:06:58,659
in these conditions.
175
00:06:58,683 --> 00:06:59,661
No! Absolutely not.
176
00:06:59,685 --> 00:07:01,028
I'm ready to move
forward with my life
177
00:07:01,052 --> 00:07:02,228
and leave some things behind.
178
00:07:02,252 --> 00:07:03,596
And, if we don't
do it right now,
179
00:07:03,620 --> 00:07:04,831
those things might
catch up with us,
180
00:07:04,855 --> 00:07:05,855
and we can't have that.
181
00:07:05,889 --> 00:07:07,668
[hesitatingly]
And... also, like...
182
00:07:07,692 --> 00:07:08,725
I wanna marr...
183
00:07:08,793 --> 00:07:10,560
You know, like, love and marr...
184
00:07:10,627 --> 00:07:11,896
I wanna do that thing with you.
185
00:07:11,963 --> 00:07:14,732
[crying] That was
really touching.
186
00:07:14,798 --> 00:07:15,867
Thank you for saying that.
187
00:07:15,934 --> 00:07:17,233
I don't care what Psycho does,
188
00:07:17,300 --> 00:07:18,495
this wedding is happening.
189
00:07:18,519 --> 00:07:21,105
So, this, of course, is
where we'll put the... [gasps]
190
00:07:21,572 --> 00:07:22,841
[cell phone ringing]
191
00:07:22,906 --> 00:07:24,709
[Debbie on phone]
the photo booth.
192
00:07:24,776 --> 00:07:26,711
We'll have all kinds
of silly props like
193
00:07:26,778 --> 00:07:28,579
a sign that says "YOLO."
194
00:07:28,646 --> 00:07:30,115
It'll be hilarious.
195
00:07:30,182 --> 00:07:32,617
See, honey? We're
in great hands.
196
00:07:32,684 --> 00:07:35,418
[Joker] I can't believe
I spent six months
197
00:07:35,485 --> 00:07:38,322
being some loser
suburban stepdad.
198
00:07:38,389 --> 00:07:39,824
God damn it!
199
00:07:39,891 --> 00:07:42,862
I'm watering the
whole neighborhood.
200
00:07:46,064 --> 00:07:47,041
Get the fuck back!
201
00:07:47,065 --> 00:07:48,574
Hold on! It's not
what it looks like.
202
00:07:48,598 --> 00:07:49,810
Well, it looks like
he's the Joker,
203
00:07:49,834 --> 00:07:50,845
you're Harley Quinn,
204
00:07:50,869 --> 00:07:52,014
and you're here to rob me.
205
00:07:52,038 --> 00:07:53,015
Two out of three. Not bad.
206
00:07:53,039 --> 00:07:54,514
We're not here to rob you.
207
00:07:54,538 --> 00:07:55,516
There's a book.
208
00:07:55,540 --> 00:07:56,975
A big, fairytale book.
209
00:07:57,041 --> 00:07:59,052
It's hers. She needs it back.
210
00:07:59,076 --> 00:08:00,610
You're gonna have
to elaborate, clown.
211
00:08:00,677 --> 00:08:01,946
[groans]
212
00:08:02,012 --> 00:08:04,290
You found me in the
rubble of Wayne Tower.
213
00:08:04,314 --> 00:08:05,314
We fell in love.
214
00:08:05,348 --> 00:08:06,644
I read your kids stories
215
00:08:06,668 --> 00:08:08,762
out of what I thought was
just a regular fairytale book,
216
00:08:08,786 --> 00:08:10,788
but it was really an
evil fairytale book.
217
00:08:10,855 --> 00:08:12,533
And it turns out I
was actually the Joker,
218
00:08:12,557 --> 00:08:13,534
but I lost my memory,
219
00:08:13,558 --> 00:08:15,170
then she threw me back in acid.
220
00:08:15,194 --> 00:08:16,560
Now, I'm the Joker again.
221
00:08:16,627 --> 00:08:17,627
[speaking Spanish]
222
00:08:17,694 --> 00:08:19,329
I dated the Joker
for six months?
223
00:08:19,396 --> 00:08:20,564
That's fuckin' ridiculous.
224
00:08:20,630 --> 00:08:21,833
Is it any more ridiculous
225
00:08:21,899 --> 00:08:23,500
than pointing that
gun at my face?
226
00:08:23,567 --> 00:08:26,670
The gun you think little Sofia
and Benicio don't know about?
227
00:08:26,737 --> 00:08:29,206
The gun you've
never loaded or shot
228
00:08:29,274 --> 00:08:30,584
in your life?
229
00:08:30,608 --> 00:08:31,608
[growls]
230
00:08:31,675 --> 00:08:33,945
Soy yo, pudding.
231
00:08:34,544 --> 00:08:35,746
Mi corazon.
232
00:08:35,812 --> 00:08:36,847
[lock clicking]
233
00:08:37,981 --> 00:08:40,884
- [groans]
- [insulting Joker in Spanish]
234
00:08:43,855 --> 00:08:44,855
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
235
00:08:44,923 --> 00:08:46,657
Give me the
book, or I'll kill you.
236
00:08:46,724 --> 00:08:47,892
You're not killin' anybody.
237
00:08:47,958 --> 00:08:49,460
So, nothing we had was real?
238
00:08:49,527 --> 00:08:50,904
The trip we took
to the mountains,
239
00:08:50,928 --> 00:08:53,364
the walks we took at night
after the kids were asleep,
240
00:08:53,431 --> 00:08:55,331
The Sopranos rewatch we did?
241
00:08:55,399 --> 00:08:58,335
I guess. I mean, I did
kind of enjoy those.
242
00:08:58,402 --> 00:08:59,736
But, I didn't know who I was!
243
00:08:59,803 --> 00:09:01,038
I'm the Joker!
244
00:09:01,105 --> 00:09:02,874
Obviously, I'm not going to date
245
00:09:02,941 --> 00:09:04,741
some suburban mom!
246
00:09:06,677 --> 00:09:07,812
That was a little harsh.
247
00:09:07,879 --> 00:09:09,179
I'm the fucking Joker!
248
00:09:09,246 --> 00:09:11,548
[chuckles] I mean, come
on! I mean, seriously.
249
00:09:11,615 --> 00:09:12,759
I thought we had something.
250
00:09:12,783 --> 00:09:14,476
But, if you're too
much of a coward to try,
251
00:09:14,500 --> 00:09:15,519
then here's your book.
252
00:09:17,421 --> 00:09:21,020
[dramatic music playing]
253
00:09:29,366 --> 00:09:30,500
[screeching]
254
00:09:31,735 --> 00:09:33,238
[shouting in Spanish]
255
00:09:35,605 --> 00:09:37,475
- [Harley] Shit!
- No shit.
256
00:09:39,844 --> 00:09:40,888
[call waiting music playing]
257
00:09:40,912 --> 00:09:42,546
[giggles] What's he saying?
258
00:09:42,613 --> 00:09:43,914
[shushes] I'm still on hold.
259
00:09:43,981 --> 00:09:45,926
[on phone] Who
interrupts Darkseid's quest
260
00:09:45,950 --> 00:09:47,985
for the anti-life equation?
261
00:09:48,052 --> 00:09:50,020
Uh, it's... [clears throat]
262
00:09:50,087 --> 00:09:52,123
[in deep voice] ...Dr. Psycho.
263
00:09:52,190 --> 00:09:56,027
Ah. The dwarf who called
Wonder Woman a slur
264
00:09:56,094 --> 00:09:57,961
that even I dare not utter.
265
00:09:58,028 --> 00:09:59,998
God! That was,
like, two years ago!
266
00:10:00,065 --> 00:10:02,643
Also, "dwarf" is
considered a slur.
267
00:10:02,667 --> 00:10:04,634
Just FYI. This
isn't Wizard of Oz.
268
00:10:04,701 --> 00:10:06,214
[Darkseid] Darkseid
does not care.
269
00:10:06,238 --> 00:10:07,414
[sarcastically] Yeah.
Why would you?
270
00:10:07,438 --> 00:10:08,875
Okay, so, Mr. Darkseid, sir,
271
00:10:08,899 --> 00:10:11,275
I have recently taken
over Gotham City
272
00:10:11,342 --> 00:10:14,745
after organizing all
your parademons, and...
273
00:10:14,812 --> 00:10:16,157
What is your request?
274
00:10:16,181 --> 00:10:18,426
Okay, I'd like that deal that
you made with Harley Quinn.
275
00:10:18,450 --> 00:10:20,251
The one that said if
she took over Gotham,
276
00:10:20,317 --> 00:10:22,620
you'd help her
take over the world.
277
00:10:22,687 --> 00:10:25,956
Darkseid is...
late for a meeting.
278
00:10:26,024 --> 00:10:27,792
All right. I'm gonna
make this quick.
279
00:10:27,859 --> 00:10:28,969
When I was a little boy,
280
00:10:28,993 --> 00:10:30,837
my mother brought
me to the county fair.
281
00:10:30,861 --> 00:10:31,995
There was a Ferris wheel.
282
00:10:32,062 --> 00:10:33,274
A big, beautiful thing,
283
00:10:33,298 --> 00:10:35,342
and you had to be a
certain height to ride it.
284
00:10:35,366 --> 00:10:37,043
And, of course, I was too short.
285
00:10:37,067 --> 00:10:38,446
But, my mother would always say,
286
00:10:38,470 --> 00:10:39,980
[in high-pitched
voice] "Patience, Eddie.
287
00:10:40,004 --> 00:10:42,649
I'm sure next year you're
gonna be big enough."
288
00:10:42,673 --> 00:10:43,740
Let me tell you right now.
289
00:10:43,807 --> 00:10:45,552
The next year rolled around,
290
00:10:45,576 --> 00:10:47,778
and I hadn't gotten any taller.
291
00:10:47,845 --> 00:10:49,147
Years went by.
292
00:10:49,214 --> 00:10:53,017
I hung upside down
from my ankles for hours.
293
00:10:53,083 --> 00:10:55,052
I took growth hormones.
294
00:10:55,120 --> 00:10:59,090
Anything to ride that
big wheel in the sky.
295
00:10:59,157 --> 00:11:00,591
I never did get there.
296
00:11:00,658 --> 00:11:01,658
But, then, one day,
297
00:11:01,725 --> 00:11:04,095
somethin' very
unexpected happened.
298
00:11:04,162 --> 00:11:06,331
[giggling] All those people
299
00:11:06,398 --> 00:11:07,966
fell to their death!
300
00:11:08,032 --> 00:11:09,801
[all screaming]
301
00:11:09,866 --> 00:11:12,736
[growling] And it was a rush!
302
00:11:12,803 --> 00:11:15,105
I thought it was so satisfying
303
00:11:15,173 --> 00:11:17,808
to watch all those people die!
304
00:11:17,875 --> 00:11:19,610
And, that's when I
decided to hate women.
305
00:11:19,677 --> 00:11:21,778
I'm not sure that tracks.
306
00:11:21,846 --> 00:11:23,815
But, you get where
I'm comin' from.
307
00:11:23,880 --> 00:11:25,950
[Darkseid] I will end
this transmission now.
308
00:11:26,017 --> 00:11:27,551
[softly] Wait! Wait! Wait!
309
00:11:27,618 --> 00:11:30,254
Most insomniacs who
stay up all hours of the night
310
00:11:30,322 --> 00:11:32,923
doing deep dives on
Wikipedia would tell you
311
00:11:32,990 --> 00:11:35,960
that 87% of apocalyptian
business transactions
312
00:11:36,027 --> 00:11:37,961
are fueled by revenge.
313
00:11:38,028 --> 00:11:41,375
So, I was thinking...
- [laughing] -What?
314
00:11:41,399 --> 00:11:43,600
Why are you looking
at me all weird?
315
00:11:43,668 --> 00:11:44,936
I just read your mind.
316
00:11:45,003 --> 00:11:47,038
What? That's creepy, man.
317
00:11:47,105 --> 00:11:51,975
Sir, what if I bring you
the head of Harley Quinn?
318
00:11:52,043 --> 00:11:53,410
I mean, she did break the terms
319
00:11:53,477 --> 00:11:55,179
of her original
agreement with you,
320
00:11:55,245 --> 00:11:57,481
and it seems like a good
reason to want her dead.
321
00:11:57,548 --> 00:11:59,494
[Darkseid] You would
vanquish the woman
322
00:11:59,518 --> 00:12:00,518
who betrayed me?
323
00:12:00,583 --> 00:12:02,596
[chuckles] Yeah! Of course.
324
00:12:02,620 --> 00:12:05,432
I mean, we're already
in the process of that.
325
00:12:05,456 --> 00:12:06,638
We're mid-vanquish.
326
00:12:06,662 --> 00:12:09,336
Bring me the head
of Harley Quinn,
327
00:12:09,360 --> 00:12:10,628
and the Earth...
328
00:12:11,229 --> 00:12:12,763
is yours.
329
00:12:12,830 --> 00:12:15,200
[excitedly] Yes! Fuckin' sweet!
330
00:12:15,265 --> 00:12:18,001
- I mean, it will be done.
- [cell phone beeps]
331
00:12:18,068 --> 00:12:21,548
Oh. Soon, the whole world
332
00:12:21,572 --> 00:12:24,174
is gonna bow before me.
333
00:12:24,241 --> 00:12:27,345
Bring me Harley Quinn!
334
00:12:27,412 --> 00:12:28,712
[screeches]
335
00:12:29,580 --> 00:12:31,325
God, your calves are huge!
336
00:12:31,349 --> 00:12:32,349
[squeaking]
337
00:12:32,615 --> 00:12:33,985
[screeching]
338
00:12:34,052 --> 00:12:35,220
[music playing on speaker]
339
00:12:38,222 --> 00:12:39,524
[Poison Ivy] What do you think?
340
00:12:41,058 --> 00:12:44,328
I think this is highly
against protocol.
341
00:12:44,395 --> 00:12:46,005
If my mother saw me seeing you
342
00:12:46,029 --> 00:12:47,341
in that dress
before the wedding,
343
00:12:47,365 --> 00:12:49,076
she would say something
very passive-aggressive
344
00:12:49,100 --> 00:12:50,301
that would bring me to tears.
345
00:12:50,368 --> 00:12:51,511
Where is Harley?
346
00:12:51,535 --> 00:12:53,136
She should be here. Not me.
347
00:12:53,203 --> 00:12:55,048
What? Forget about
Harley. She was busy,
348
00:12:55,072 --> 00:12:56,615
and I don't have any
other friends, so you're up.
349
00:12:56,639 --> 00:12:59,076
Babe, did you and Harley
get into a fight or something
350
00:12:59,143 --> 00:13:00,544
at the ol' bach partay?
351
00:13:00,611 --> 00:13:02,879
It just feels like you've
been different since then.
352
00:13:02,947 --> 00:13:04,758
What? No. We're,
like, totally fine.
353
00:13:04,782 --> 00:13:05,875
[stammering] We just... She...
354
00:13:05,899 --> 00:13:07,594
She's just got her
things, and I've got mine.
355
00:13:07,618 --> 00:13:10,163
It's a classic case of, like,
people just, you know, havin' things
356
00:13:10,187 --> 00:13:11,798
that they do away from people.
357
00:13:11,822 --> 00:13:13,400
Plus, she's like not
good at this stuff.
358
00:13:13,424 --> 00:13:14,768
You know, it's like, you are.
359
00:13:14,792 --> 00:13:16,070
You are good at
this kind of thing.
360
00:13:16,094 --> 00:13:18,296
You are right about that.
361
00:13:18,363 --> 00:13:20,676
[inhales] Okay.
Um... [clicks tongue]
362
00:13:20,700 --> 00:13:22,799
Are you totally set on cream?
363
00:13:22,866 --> 00:13:23,868
What? What do you mean?
364
00:13:23,899 --> 00:13:25,635
- The... Isn't this just white?
- Nope.
365
00:13:25,702 --> 00:13:27,672
- [screeching]
- Oh, shit!
366
00:13:27,938 --> 00:13:29,240
[grunts]
367
00:13:30,408 --> 00:13:31,442
[screeching]
368
00:13:31,509 --> 00:13:34,846
[speaking slowly] We
don't speak your language.
369
00:13:34,912 --> 00:13:39,183
Is there another way
we can communicate?
370
00:13:39,250 --> 00:13:40,726
You do know that speaking louder
371
00:13:40,750 --> 00:13:42,386
will not help them
understand you.
372
00:13:42,453 --> 00:13:43,721
It... might.
373
00:13:45,755 --> 00:13:47,024
What the fuck?
374
00:13:47,091 --> 00:13:48,759
Shit nuts with a can!
375
00:13:48,826 --> 00:13:49,937
Oh, my God!
376
00:13:49,961 --> 00:13:51,371
I wasn't even sure I
wanted a backless dress,
377
00:13:51,395 --> 00:13:52,596
and now I'm stuck with it.
378
00:13:52,663 --> 00:13:53,865
Yeah. I was gonna say,
379
00:13:53,931 --> 00:13:56,667
a backless halter...
is a little rural.
380
00:13:56,734 --> 00:13:57,735
[growls]
381
00:13:59,003 --> 00:14:00,504
[growling] I've had it!
382
00:14:00,572 --> 00:14:02,874
I didn't care when they
were taking giant dumps
383
00:14:02,940 --> 00:14:04,142
all over the fuckin' city,
384
00:14:04,208 --> 00:14:07,077
but this is a $13,000 Vera Wang!
385
00:14:07,144 --> 00:14:09,480
[nervously] Uh...
Okay. Thirteen...
386
00:14:09,548 --> 00:14:12,493
So, you know, are we
doin' the traditional thing
387
00:14:12,517 --> 00:14:14,128
where the bride's parents
pay for the wedding?
388
00:14:14,152 --> 00:14:15,653
Dr. Psycho's dead.
389
00:14:15,720 --> 00:14:16,721
Hold my hair.
390
00:14:16,787 --> 00:14:18,022
Yeah. Sure, honey.
391
00:14:18,089 --> 00:14:21,688
[menacing music playing]
392
00:14:23,260 --> 00:14:24,461
[suspenseful music playing]
393
00:14:26,230 --> 00:14:27,365
[Harley shouts] Get down!
394
00:14:27,432 --> 00:14:28,899
[screeching]
395
00:14:28,966 --> 00:14:31,701
We're not going
to find this book.
396
00:14:31,769 --> 00:14:33,279
Ugh. This sucks!
397
00:14:33,303 --> 00:14:35,115
Why don't you just blow
my head up right now?
398
00:14:35,139 --> 00:14:36,384
[angrily] It's your
fault we're here.
399
00:14:36,408 --> 00:14:37,851
If you hadn't been
an asshole to your ex,
400
00:14:37,875 --> 00:14:38,918
she wouldn't have
chucked the book
401
00:14:38,942 --> 00:14:40,476
into the jaws of a parademon.
402
00:14:40,500 --> 00:14:43,081
She chucked the book
because she's loca.
403
00:14:43,147 --> 00:14:45,082
She's got it tattooed
on her lower back
404
00:14:45,149 --> 00:14:46,918
next to a Tweety Bird.
405
00:14:46,984 --> 00:14:49,254
Although, we did
have some good times.
406
00:14:49,320 --> 00:14:50,730
Great. Uh, I don't give a shit.
407
00:14:50,754 --> 00:14:51,764
Let's find the book.
408
00:14:51,788 --> 00:14:52,701
[squelching]
409
00:14:52,725 --> 00:14:54,892
I might actually say
410
00:14:54,958 --> 00:14:57,071
it was the most
fulfilling relationship
411
00:14:57,095 --> 00:14:58,172
I've been in.
412
00:14:58,196 --> 00:15:00,498
Jesus Christ! Are you
gettin' sentimental?
413
00:15:00,565 --> 00:15:02,100
Where was that
when we were dating?
414
00:15:02,166 --> 00:15:04,501
You fell in love with
me when I was famous.
415
00:15:04,568 --> 00:15:07,705
When I looked
like this. [chuckles]
416
00:15:07,772 --> 00:15:08,940
Bethany fell in love with me
417
00:15:09,005 --> 00:15:11,308
when I was just a
square-looking barback
418
00:15:11,375 --> 00:15:13,711
with not a lot of prospects.
419
00:15:13,778 --> 00:15:15,489
Uh, that wasn't the real you!
420
00:15:15,513 --> 00:15:17,591
[shouting] You had forgotten
what a piece of shit you are!
421
00:15:17,615 --> 00:15:20,585
I can't believe you
were ever a therapist.
422
00:15:23,120 --> 00:15:24,489
I'm starting to wonder,
423
00:15:24,556 --> 00:15:26,933
did I screw something up good
424
00:15:26,957 --> 00:15:28,460
with me and Bethany?
425
00:15:28,525 --> 00:15:29,562
Probably not.
426
00:15:29,629 --> 00:15:32,263
Just seeing you toss away
your chance at Ivy has...
427
00:15:32,330 --> 00:15:34,764
Has got me thinking
about my own love life.
428
00:15:34,831 --> 00:15:37,033
I mean, I don't wanna
biff it like you did.
429
00:15:37,100 --> 00:15:38,812
Hey! I told Ivy how I felt,
430
00:15:38,836 --> 00:15:40,813
and she didn't feel that way.
[shouting] And end of story!
431
00:15:40,837 --> 00:15:41,881
Water under the bridge!
432
00:15:41,905 --> 00:15:43,216
Right. Right.
433
00:15:43,240 --> 00:15:45,818
[sarcastically] The screaming about
it at the mere mention of her name
434
00:15:45,842 --> 00:15:47,578
certainly backs that up.
435
00:15:48,211 --> 00:15:52,993
[screeching in distance]
436
00:15:53,017 --> 00:15:54,184
Fuck, yeah!
437
00:15:54,451 --> 00:15:55,802
[snoring]
438
00:15:59,789 --> 00:16:02,494
Look at these hideous monsters.
439
00:16:02,559 --> 00:16:05,895
Oh, Bethany and I used
to cuddle just like that.
440
00:16:05,962 --> 00:16:08,265
God, we could
just sit on the couch
441
00:16:08,332 --> 00:16:10,400
and talk about
nothing for hours.
442
00:16:10,467 --> 00:16:13,437
We just got each other.
443
00:16:13,504 --> 00:16:15,440
She always had my back.
444
00:16:15,506 --> 00:16:16,606
[sentimental music playing]
445
00:16:17,908 --> 00:16:19,177
Good God!
446
00:16:19,243 --> 00:16:20,445
That's true love.
447
00:16:20,511 --> 00:16:22,113
Then you can't just give up.
448
00:16:22,179 --> 00:16:23,413
Love's a risk.
449
00:16:23,480 --> 00:16:25,048
It may not always
go in your favor,
450
00:16:25,115 --> 00:16:26,350
but if it's true love,
451
00:16:26,417 --> 00:16:28,186
you have to fight for it.
452
00:16:28,452 --> 00:16:29,721
[belches]
453
00:16:29,788 --> 00:16:31,322
That is foul.
454
00:16:31,389 --> 00:16:33,057
Ugh! Let's get
the hell outta here.
455
00:16:33,124 --> 00:16:37,173
[suspenseful music playing]
456
00:16:39,129 --> 00:16:40,298
[growling]
457
00:16:40,365 --> 00:16:42,033
Maybe it's T. Rex rules.
458
00:16:42,100 --> 00:16:43,868
If we don't move,
they can't see us.
459
00:16:43,934 --> 00:16:46,270
[screeching]
460
00:16:46,336 --> 00:16:48,306
Yeah. I'm pretty
sure they can see us.
461
00:16:48,373 --> 00:16:49,707
[growling and screeching]
462
00:16:50,140 --> 00:16:51,241
[grunts]
463
00:16:51,308 --> 00:16:53,544
I can't run in fucking wingtips.
464
00:16:53,611 --> 00:16:55,412
[screeching]
465
00:16:59,116 --> 00:17:02,716
[dramatic music playing]
466
00:17:04,689 --> 00:17:05,690
[shrieks]
467
00:17:07,892 --> 00:17:08,960
[Joker yelps]
468
00:17:10,094 --> 00:17:11,563
[shrieks]
469
00:17:13,163 --> 00:17:14,963
[screeching]
470
00:17:36,988 --> 00:17:37,988
[Joker grunts]
471
00:17:38,789 --> 00:17:40,592
[both panting]
472
00:17:40,924 --> 00:17:41,924
[screeching]
473
00:17:44,461 --> 00:17:48,261
Nice knowin' ya, Mistah J.
474
00:17:49,933 --> 00:17:51,035
[screeching]
475
00:17:51,102 --> 00:17:55,047
[dramatic music playing]
476
00:17:55,071 --> 00:17:57,141
So, you're all in
league with Psycho,
477
00:17:57,208 --> 00:17:58,844
and you've gotten
back with Joker.
478
00:17:58,910 --> 00:18:00,044
Oh for two, idiot.
479
00:18:00,111 --> 00:18:01,346
Jesus, Bats.
480
00:18:01,412 --> 00:18:02,791
Your time out of the game
481
00:18:02,815 --> 00:18:05,482
has really made your
detective skills go to shit.
482
00:18:05,549 --> 00:18:06,560
[Batman] I doubt that.
483
00:18:06,584 --> 00:18:07,695
[Harley] We're
trying to save the city.
484
00:18:07,719 --> 00:18:09,220
Psycho's mind-controlled my crew
485
00:18:09,287 --> 00:18:10,296
and all the parademons.
486
00:18:10,320 --> 00:18:11,398
And, in order to stop him,
487
00:18:11,422 --> 00:18:12,990
we're trying to free
the Justice League
488
00:18:13,057 --> 00:18:14,759
- from Queen of Fables' book.
- Oh.
489
00:18:14,826 --> 00:18:17,928
[growls] Oh! That
is not the book.
490
00:18:17,994 --> 00:18:20,365
What? Then the actual book is...
491
00:18:20,431 --> 00:18:21,766
[shouting] Still at Bethany's!
492
00:18:21,833 --> 00:18:24,201
Looks like we're takin'
a detour to suburbia.
493
00:18:24,268 --> 00:18:26,103
Bats, tell Zatanna
to meet us there,
494
00:18:26,170 --> 00:18:27,204
and bring her wand.
495
00:18:27,270 --> 00:18:29,140
- Who's Bethany?
- My girlfriend.
496
00:18:29,207 --> 00:18:31,785
- What?
- My ex-girlfriend!
497
00:18:31,809 --> 00:18:33,411
I'll explain on the way.
498
00:18:36,012 --> 00:18:37,114
[screeching]
499
00:18:37,181 --> 00:18:39,450
Okay. You're tellin' me
500
00:18:39,517 --> 00:18:40,994
that Harley and Joker
501
00:18:41,018 --> 00:18:42,854
were in the goddamn nest,
502
00:18:42,921 --> 00:18:45,088
but escaped with Batman?
503
00:18:45,155 --> 00:18:46,457
[screeching]
504
00:18:46,523 --> 00:18:49,527
And, they're headed east
in the fuckin' Batplane?
505
00:18:49,594 --> 00:18:51,429
- [screeches]
- Northeast. Whatever.
506
00:18:51,496 --> 00:18:53,196
Shit! What the hell
are we gonna do?
507
00:18:53,263 --> 00:18:55,262
Batman was supposed
to be out of commission!
508
00:18:55,274 --> 00:18:55,799
[crashing]
509
00:18:56,667 --> 00:18:57,968
Hey, Psycho!
510
00:18:58,035 --> 00:18:59,837
You tiny-dicked asshole.
511
00:18:59,904 --> 00:19:02,173
I was tryin' to just
sit this one out,
512
00:19:02,240 --> 00:19:04,541
but you screwed with
my goddamn wedding.
513
00:19:04,608 --> 00:19:07,478
So, either ground your
goddamn parademons
514
00:19:07,545 --> 00:19:09,247
until the "I do's" are done,
515
00:19:09,313 --> 00:19:11,214
- or so help me...
- Oh!
516
00:19:11,281 --> 00:19:15,086
Actually, I'm so
happy you came, Ivy.
517
00:19:15,152 --> 00:19:18,154
I was really in
need of a friend.
518
00:19:18,221 --> 00:19:20,124
[whirring]
519
00:19:21,491 --> 00:19:23,894
[Batman] So, you, the Joker,
520
00:19:23,961 --> 00:19:26,530
were in a relationship
with a nurse practitioner.
521
00:19:26,597 --> 00:19:29,232
Technically, she
was in nursing school.
522
00:19:29,299 --> 00:19:31,435
And you professed
your love to Ivy.
523
00:19:31,501 --> 00:19:33,647
Ugh! Still don't know
why you brought that up.
524
00:19:33,671 --> 00:19:34,515
Oh, my God!
525
00:19:34,539 --> 00:19:35,845
It came up organically.
526
00:19:35,869 --> 00:19:38,241
It would've been awkward
if I didn't say anything.
527
00:19:38,308 --> 00:19:41,578
Look, we need to get that
book before Psycho kills us all.
528
00:19:41,645 --> 00:19:45,048
No. This is mine to do.
529
00:19:47,952 --> 00:19:49,086
[knocking]
530
00:19:50,520 --> 00:19:52,099
Didn't I tell you to
fuck off and get lost?
531
00:19:52,123 --> 00:19:55,660
Yes. Yes, you most definitely
said both of those things,
532
00:19:55,727 --> 00:19:59,964
but, um... I just
can't stay away, Beth.
533
00:20:00,031 --> 00:20:02,968
You know, I thought
I had the perfect life
534
00:20:03,035 --> 00:20:04,368
before I met you.
535
00:20:04,434 --> 00:20:07,238
Maiming, killing,
causing general chaos.
536
00:20:07,305 --> 00:20:08,973
I thought I had it all.
537
00:20:09,040 --> 00:20:11,008
But, now, I realize...
538
00:20:11,075 --> 00:20:13,211
I was missing something.
539
00:20:13,277 --> 00:20:16,346
Love is what makes
life worth living.
540
00:20:16,413 --> 00:20:20,084
So, Joker went through some
changes over the last few months.
541
00:20:20,151 --> 00:20:23,019
I don't wanna blow what
could be a great thing.
542
00:20:23,086 --> 00:20:24,899
Like a friend of mine did.
543
00:20:24,923 --> 00:20:27,224
I still have the remote to
blow up your fuckin' head.
544
00:20:27,290 --> 00:20:29,493
I wanna give this a shot.
545
00:20:29,560 --> 00:20:31,863
[speaking in Spanish]
546
00:20:31,930 --> 00:20:34,065
[gasps] Oh, baby!
547
00:20:34,131 --> 00:20:35,132
We need that book.
548
00:20:35,199 --> 00:20:37,714
Jesus! Read the fucking room!
549
00:20:42,740 --> 00:20:46,790
[suspenseful music playing]
550
00:20:49,480 --> 00:20:50,480
[both gasp]
551
00:20:50,548 --> 00:20:52,416
[weakly] Thank Hera!
552
00:20:52,482 --> 00:20:54,050
That place was hell.
553
00:20:54,117 --> 00:20:56,520
[softly] They made us
listen to the same songs
554
00:20:56,587 --> 00:20:59,758
[breath shudders]
over and over again.
555
00:20:59,824 --> 00:21:02,226
[trembling] Too soft.
Too hard. Never just right.
556
00:21:02,292 --> 00:21:04,028
Never just right.
557
00:21:04,896 --> 00:21:05,873
So, in summary,
558
00:21:05,897 --> 00:21:07,531
we have to take down
the parademon army
559
00:21:07,598 --> 00:21:08,866
and get to Dr. Psycho.
560
00:21:08,933 --> 00:21:10,468
No time to waste!
561
00:21:10,535 --> 00:21:13,403
[grunting and groaning]
Sorry! It's been a minute.
562
00:21:13,471 --> 00:21:15,973
I should probably get
back to Central City.
563
00:21:16,040 --> 00:21:17,240
[groans]
564
00:21:21,546 --> 00:21:23,381
I'll go make some coffee.
565
00:21:23,448 --> 00:21:24,524
So, is this your new life?
566
00:21:24,548 --> 00:21:25,726
You're gonna go coach
a little league team
567
00:21:25,750 --> 00:21:27,285
and get ice cream
after the game?
568
00:21:27,351 --> 00:21:28,819
[chuckles] No!
569
00:21:28,886 --> 00:21:31,455
Little Benicio's
lactose-intolerant.
570
00:21:31,521 --> 00:21:34,392
Look, lots of dads
are serial killers.
571
00:21:34,459 --> 00:21:36,326
I'm not gonna change who I am.
572
00:21:36,394 --> 00:21:38,462
I just have a
better reason to kill.
573
00:21:38,528 --> 00:21:41,066
I am in love! [laughing]
574
00:21:41,133 --> 00:21:42,744
Now, it's your turn.
575
00:21:42,768 --> 00:21:44,780
I told you, I tried.
It didn't work.
576
00:21:44,804 --> 00:21:45,680
Ivy said no.
577
00:21:45,704 --> 00:21:47,704
Are you prepared
to live with that?
578
00:21:47,771 --> 00:21:49,874
I'm prepared for anything.
579
00:21:51,742 --> 00:21:54,377
Ivy! What're you doing here?
580
00:21:54,444 --> 00:21:57,048
I've got something to tell you.
581
00:21:57,115 --> 00:21:58,682
I am going to kill you.
582
00:21:58,750 --> 00:22:00,585
[dramatic music playing]
583
00:22:00,652 --> 00:22:02,319
- Damn! That shit was tense.
- [groans]
584
00:22:02,385 --> 00:22:03,721
See, now, this show is a comedy
585
00:22:03,788 --> 00:22:06,289
that combines both humor
and dramatic tension.
586
00:22:06,356 --> 00:22:07,992
- Can I get a Chiron?
- [buzzer sounds]
587
00:22:08,058 --> 00:22:09,292
See you all next week.
588
00:22:09,359 --> 00:22:11,997
Same Frank time,
same Frank channel.
589
00:22:12,063 --> 00:22:14,365
I'm gonna get some
popcorn in anticipation.
590
00:22:14,432 --> 00:22:16,232
Hey, Chaz. Hook a brother up!
591
00:22:16,299 --> 00:22:18,234
- [laughs]
- [slurping]
592
00:22:18,301 --> 00:22:19,703
[spits] There's butter on this!
593
00:22:19,770 --> 00:22:21,105
[shouting] What the fuck, Chaz?
594
00:22:21,173 --> 00:22:22,606
I'm watchin' my cholesterol.
595
00:22:23,540 --> 00:22:25,777
[theme music playing]
41675
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