All language subtitles for Xena s03e20 Vanishing Act.eng

[Gabrielle] Now, are you sure you
don't want me to come with you?

[Xena] And miss
Adar's speech? Please.

Send my regrets. I'll be
there first thing tomorrow.

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?? [Middle Eastern]

[Chattering, Laughing]

Welcome. Welcome
to the Festival of Peace.

Peace to you! Back at ya!

Peace forever! For
everybody, yeah!

I'm gonna need my arm back.

Peace to us all!

Adar. Gabrielle! You made it.

Where's Xena? She had business in
Pergos, but she sends her apologies.

But she'll miss my
speech honoring Pax.

I'll give her all the highlights.
She'll be back tomorrow night.

They're ready, Mr. Mayor.

Thank you.

[Adar] Please be seated.

We are gathered today...

from many villages...

for our annual
celebration of Pax,

the personification of peace.

[Cheering]

This statue was
created 20 years ago...

at the end of a bitter war...

and serves as a reminder...

that we are truly one people,

bound by a spirit
of cooperation...

and understanding.

[Applause, Cheering]

[Rooster Crows]

My Zeus and all the gods!

Pax is gone!

[Gabrielle] I guess
it's pretty bad, huh?

Pretty bad? It's worse than
pretty bad. This is a disaster!

Already there are angry
recriminations between the villagers...

as to what's
happened to the statue.

Everyone's so mistrustful
because it's just so hard to believe.

It was there last night,
and then it's just vanished.

Things don't just vanish,
Adar. Somebody stole it.

It's taller than a house.
Who could've stolen it?

I think we have a suspect.

- I'm talking to you, Grandma!
- What's that, sweetie?

- What...
- I want to ask you a few questions.

I'm sorry. [Mutters, Grunts]

Broken hip. [Screams]

[Yells]

[Yelps, Screaming]

[Whimpering]

Ow! Ow! That was pinned on!

[Gasps] Autolycus?

Of course. Who else could
pull off a heist like this?

Well, it is impressive, isn't it? A statue
that size just... disappearing like that?

It would not be immodest to say
that that's the greatest theft ever.

There's only one problem.
And what's that, genius?

I didn't do it.

[Man Narrating] In a time of
ancient gods... [Xena Yells]

warlords and kings,

a land in turmoil
cried out for a hero.

She was Xena,

a mighty princess
forged in the heat of battle.

The power.

The passion.

- The danger.
- [Kiaiing]

Her courage will
change the world.

What do you mean,
you didn't do it?

Xena, I'm very flattered
that you don't believe me,

but the truth of the matter
is I did not steal the statue.

Granted, I can't believe
I didn't steal the statue.

If you are innocent, why
were you wearing a disguise?

Oh. [Laughs] That's
a very good question.

You see, it's like this.

Try as I may to keep it
quiet, I have a reputation as...

- The King of Thieves?
- Because of that reputation,

well, if I were to be spotted in a town
where a major theft has just taken place,

as in here, well, the local
authorities might be inclined...

to, uh, incarcerate me. [Laughs]

I'll take care of this.

That statue represents a long
tradition of peace between these villages,

and I didn't come
here to fool around!

Well, like I'm here
for the pony rides.

I want to get that statue
back just as much as you.

Give me a break.

Oh, not for any goody-goody
reasons, but for me.

Don't you get it? I don't
know who stole that statue.

What's worse, I don't
know how they stole it.

So if I don't find out who
did and steal it back...

You're no longer
the King of Thieves.

Exactly. Which is why I'm
gonna let you work with me on this.

Oh, thanks, but no thanks.

It takes a thief
to catch a thief.

Look, I just want your
help to steal it back...

so I can put it back
where it belongs.

It's not called stealing if you retrieve
stolen property for the rightful owners.

Not if you go in there busting
heads like you usually do.

But if you use finesse...

and steal it from under their
noses without them knowing it,

that counts as stealing.

Why would I want to do that?

As a favor to me? No.

Oh, I get it. What have I
done for you lately, huh?

Yeah. Yeah, nothing
besides letting you...

live inside my body
while I risk my life...

to steal back your
shapely corpse,

all the while having to
endure Gabrielle whining...

and crying 24 hours a day
about how much she misses Xena!

Are you quite finished?
That depends. Did it work?

It worked. Then I'm finished.

Xena, one more thing. What?

It's gotta be done my way. Huh?

My reputation as the King of
Thieves is not gonna be restored...

if you sling that chakram around
and poke people with swords.

It's gotta be done
the Autolycus way.

Deal?

Come on. Give me a smile.

Give me some teeth. Smile.

Deal!

[Chuckles] That's my Xena.

[Sea Gulls
Squawking] [Chattering]

Working with us might
rub off on Autolycus.

It could change him.

Or not.

Autolycus became a thief
to avenge a terrible wrong.

I know. He told me.

He stole everything from the
merchant who killed his brother.

He left him with nothing...
Just a broken man.

You see, that was
Autolycus's defining moment.

He'll always think
of himself as a thief.

If he wants me to help him
regain the title of king, then so be it.

It's the least I can do.
The man did save my life.

[Grunting]

Come on!

[Grunting Continues]

Well?

Just as I suspected. There's
a deep furrow in the seabed.

So the statue was toppled
over and dragged out by ship.

Exactly, my dear.

Now all we have to
figure out is what ship.

Right. Right.

Be right with you.
Just gotta get this off.

[Grunting]

Whoa! Oh!

[Man] Get ready.

[Chattering]

Greetings.

I am told you are the
one called Wharfmaster.

I am Namin, an
antiquities dealer,

trading in rare
Armenian... antiquities.

I need to ship some
rather, uh, delicate cargo.

I can't help you.

Ah, no, no. You misunderstand.

I was hoping you could recommend
a ship captain who could help us...

with such a, uh,
sensitive transaction.

Look, blinky, I don't know
what you're talking about, okay?

[Laughing] Then, perhaps,
for you it is very fortunate...

that I speak the
universal language.

Huh? [Chuckles]

You'll have to speak it
louder than that, my friend.

Mmm.

Uh, I think you should
talk to my associate.

Good centurion, bad centurion.

Put a little pressure
on him. Right you are.

Now tell us who
shipped out that statue.

- You don't have to answer that.
- [Choking]

What are you doing?

Putting a little pressure on
him. Psychological pressure.

[Choking Continues]

Xena, you agreed
to do this my way.

Undo that pinch.
[Gabrielle] Sixteen, 17, 18...

[Whip Cracks]

Now, are you willing to tell us?

- It was Tarsus.
- Tarsus? Of Siros?

Yeah. You know him?

Yeah. We have a history of
sorts. Where is his home base now?

A castle on the
island of Mykonos.

[Autolycus] The first thing we should
do is size up the castle from outside,

try and determine the best
way to get the statue out.

[Xena] What if they're in the
process of selling it right now?

It could be on the
move before we get to it.

[Autolycus] Good point. Then one of
us as a fence and bid on the statue.

That'll keep it in
place for a while.

[Gabrielle] Impersonating a
fence? Let me guess who does that.

- What is it?
- There's someone here asking about Pax.

All right.

Tarsus, I presume.

And you are?

Myopia the fence. I... fence.

I come to tell you, I make
offer on the statue of Pax.

[Laughs] What makes
you think that I have Pax?

This?

You'd be surprised
how little it takes...

to loosen lips of
corrupt Wharfmaster.

Get the furnace going.

Furnace?

When strangers start
knocking on my door with offers,

I'd say things were a bit too hot to
have a stolen piece of art hanging around.

These city states have been known to
send armies after the silliest artifacts.

On the other hand, who's to say where
I got a few hundred pounds of raw gold?

I'm not sure I understand.

As soon as the furnace is hot enough,
the statue of Pax will be melted down.

Wait. You can't
melt the statue down.

Why not?

Be... Because it gets gooey.

I do not pay for goo.

[Inaudible Whispering]

This is exactly what I meant...

about things being too hot.

Seems we have another
unsolicited bidder.

You ever heard of a
fence named Ezra?

[Scoffs] I've heard
of her, of course.

[Door Opens]

- [Chuckles] Darling.
- Ezra! Nice to meet you.

Charmed, I'm sure, but
I'm here on business.

Well, you're going to
have some competition.

This is Myopia. She's
also interested in the statue.

Myopia. I've heard of you.

They say you used to
be good-lookin'. Heh.

Plan Beta. I saw the
furnace belching smoke,

and then we had to
come in right away...

Are you paying attention to me?

[Slaps]

This is part of his way.

So, where are you
hiding that statue?

Tarsus was just about to
have the statue melted down.

Of course I tell him, the statue
is much more valuable intact.

Well, that would be because
you're a rank amateur.

Of course it's more
valuable if you melt it down...

Easier to transport,
easier to sell...

And frankly I'm surprised
you didn't do it earlier.

- Surprised but pleased.
- Why is that?

Because I don't buy anything
I don't see melted down.

One can so easily dilute it.

You don't trust me?

I sell to the richest men
and women on earth,

so forgive me if my reputation for
dealing in only the finest materials...

is too valuable to risk
on the word of a thief.

So, do I get to see
the statue or not?

Right away. Fabulous.

Oh, my manservant's outside. Would
you give him a hand with the baggage?

Oh, gorgeous!

- Oh!
- Let's do it.

Here's my guy now.

This is my assistant...

Bentley.

Bentley. What an
unfortunate name.

Well, Mother had quite
the sense of humor. Ugh!

Stay out of the way, Bentley.
They're about to melt down the statue.

Go on.

[Grunting, Muttering]

Oops.

- Your man is an idiot.
- You're telling me.

Get inside, you buffoon.

A thousand pardons. I... Ohh!

[Inaudible Whispering]

Something wrong with
the furnace. It's losing heat.

- What?
- I thought you were running a classy operation here.

Interesting.

You incompetent scum.

Make sure that
furnace is working.

We can wait inside while
they work. It won't take long.

We gotta keep them out here till
Autolycus gets finished looking around.

Oh, that's just
great. Great, yeah.

Now she wants to
bid on the raw gold.

Well, I guess there's nothing
wrong with changing your mind.

All right. Well, let's settle
this right now, shall we?

I'll give you
15,000 dinars for it.

Twenty. Twenty-five.

- Thirty.
- Thirty-five.

Thirty-five thousand dinars.

Going once, twice...
Forty thousand.

Hah.

One hundred and
forty thousand dinars.

One hundred sixty thousand.

Two hundred thousand dinars.

Two hundred thousand
dinars. Going once...

Two hundred fifty thousand.

Two hundred and
fifty thousand dinars.

Going... Three hundred thousand.

- Three hundred fifty.
- Four hundred thousand dinars.

And I'll throw in
the Ring of Apollo.

- Let her have it.
- Sold.

Well, the money will
be here in the morning.

Perfect. We'll have the
furnace operational by then.

You and your gold will
be on your way by midday.

Break out the wine.
Tonight we celebrate.

I hope there are
no bad feelings.

But who could compete
with the Ring of Apollo?

Don't you agree?

You just had to
outbid me, didn't you?

You outbid me first.

It's a wonder you
didn't go even higher.

Right. Like I can top
the Ring of Apollo?

Are you two out of your minds? What
difference does it make who outbid who?

We're pretending, remember?
Now, I happen to have a plan,

and if it works, I
will be a legend...

and you two will be
a legend's helpers.

First I've gotta find
something. I'm comin' with you.

Fine. But you know the rules.

You go to the party. Tell
them we'll join them later.

No problem.

Hmm. Mm.

This plan of yours
is kind of ambitious.

What else would you expect
from the King of Thieves?

Oh, "Thebes." I've
been there. Pay attention.

Aha! See? [Chuckles]

Paint drippings.
This is probably it.

Locked, of course.
Not a problem.

Watch and learn, my dear.

You see, this is
no ordinary lock.

This happens to be a
reinforced Corinthian steel lock.

With a high-security, double-hinged,
pin-tumbler mechanism.

Oops.

?? [Middle Eastern] [Chattering]

[Woman] Darling!

[Chattering Continues]

Sorry you didn't get the gold,

but I'll have some more
interesting wares very soon.

Where's your rival?
In her room, I imagine.

She's missing the party.
I'll send somebody for her.

Oh, she'll come later.
She's with someone.

With someone? Mmm.

The hunchback? Who else?

Hunchback? Oh, interesting.

She can be with him anytime. Right
now, I want her here at this party.

Bring Ezra and her
man down immediately.

I wouldn't do
that if I were you.

[Xena] Oh, you
naughty guard, you!

Hold everything!
The party starts here.

[Laughs] Make
yourself scarce, dummy.

Yoo-hoo, Myopia!

I am so sorry you lost. Better
luck next time, huh? [Laughs]

[Quieter] As soon as we're out of
here, we'll put his plan in motion.

Congratulations, Ezra.

I am obligated to tell
you that a well-known

general is on his way
here to make a bid.

Really? Is he good-lookin'?

[Laughs] Look, if you have
the money here by morning,

I'm sure he can't
top your offer.

Oh, it'll be here.

So, tell me more about
this naughty general.

Excuse me. My name is Thea.

Oh, uh, Bentley.

Forgive me for staring, but I
just can't help but notice your...

- Smile?
- To be honest,

I was actually referring
to your hump. Oh, that.

Would you mind if I
asked you a few questions?

Well, s-sure. Go ahead.
Wh-What do you want to know?

Would you mind if I touched it?

Oh, oh, no, no. I would
really rather that you didn't.

Why? Does it hurt?

Well, of course it hurts. Why do
you think camels are so miserable?

- [Rattling]
- I kid you not, it was this big.

[Rattling] Oh!

So tell me, how did you
manage to steal the statue of Pax?

A magician never gives
away his secrets. Ohh.

But I will tell you this. It was
the best work I've ever done.

Really? Of course, I
haven't always been a thief.

Oh, no. For many years, I was a
moderately successful merchant,

Uh-huh. Making a decent living.

One day, I had a
disagreement with a competitor.

I had to eliminate
him as a rival.

Well, you would. Unbeknownst to me,
my competitor had a younger brother.

Rather than face me like a man, he
took his vengeance by stealing from me.

Cleaned me out, but in so doing,

he taught me a lesson:

The world belongs to
those who make it their own.

- A toast, then.
- [Man] A toast, yes.

[Tarsus] To the man who
has brought us all here tonight.

To Autolycus, [Crowd Gasps]

the former King of Thieves.

Auto! Auto, baby, you promised
me this was gonna work.

You're supposed to
be the King of Thieves!

My father... My father told
me he was a loser and a fraud,

with his phone disguises
and that silly moustache,

but... I will always love you.

Oh! Oh, look, you
gotta believe me.

He put me up to this.

You know how he is
with that charm of his.

He's so shallow,
yet so persuasive.

[Crying] I'm not
really a bad person.

I just fell in love with the
wrong man at the wrong time.

Shut up! Take her too.

And gag her. Get
them both out of here!

- [Xena Whining]
- Watch the hump!

Come on. [Grunting] Get her.

[Grunting Continues]

If Ezra isn't real, the
bidding isn't real either.

That's right. You can
bid again in the morning...

against the Scylosian general.

But your money
better be here by then.

If not, I'll assume
you're a fraud too.

[Scoffs]

[Chains Rattling]

[Tarsus] That's 20 feet of the
strongest chain wrapped around you,

fastened by 200 of the
best locks in the world.

Good. I enjoy a challenge.

[Chuckles] Well,
enjoy it while you can,

because I've just sent word to everyone
who has a reward out on your head:

I'll deliver you to
the highest bidder.

[Yawning] Outwardly,
you're always calm, Autolycus,

but I'm not fooled.

Inside, you burn with
hatred toward me, don't you?

And it's only gonna get worse.

Just think: I
killed your brother.

I stole your mantle
as King of Thieves.

And soon I'll be delivering
you to your executioners.

It's all so perfect.

[Coughs]

I want this door
guarded at all times.

[Locks Engaging] Well,
this should be interesting.

[Straining]

You pathetic weakling!

I plan to sell you
to the Scylosians.

Don't worry. You won't
be with 'em for long.

They usually beat their slave
girls to death in a matter of weeks.

And don't think
Autolycus'll save you.

I have him bound by
200 of the strongest locks.

[Crying, Muttering]

Have a nice evening.

[Crying, Muttering Continue]

You stay here, and don't
let anyone talk to her.

Especially that Myopia. [Laughs]

I don't trust her either.

[Xena Whining]

Can I ask you a question?

Shoot. What are we doing!

We're doing it his way.

You call that his way?

Don't get technical on me. Now that we
know it was Tarsus who killed his brother,

it's even more essential that
we let Autolycus win his way.

Why do you think he didn't
tell us who Tarsus was?

I'm hoping because it doesn't
make any difference. So where is he?

Somewhere in this castle, chained
and manacled with 200 locks.

Two hundred locks? Yes.

It's gonna take him at least
an hour to get out of that lock.

Come on. Let's get on with it.

All righty. [Grunting]

Get the door.

Thank you.

Sorry.

Come on. Come on, talk to me.

I'm listening, but
I'm not hearing.

Come on. Just a little more.

[Lock Unclasps]
Heh-heh! There we go.

Sixty-four.

Okay. I found
everything we need to get

through with this plan,
except for one thing.

What's that? Brushes.

[Grunting]

I just couldn't begin to
think how to do that his way.

What do you think,
huh? That'll do.

Good. We'd better get everything
we need into the courtyard.

Don't you think we
should find Autolycus?

He'd never forgive me if I robbed
him of the joy of getting out of that.

As long as he's back
by sunrise, it'll work.

One hundred and ten. [Chuckles]

We did it. Yeah.

The sun's up. Where is he?

Xena, why don't you go get
him? Look. This wouldn't be...

His way. Yes, I know. But this
plan won't go if he's not here.

You're right.

[Grunting, Blows Landing]

I know it's not quite your...

Where is he? I don't know.
He wasn't in the dungeon.

That's great. He got out. The
Scylosians will be here any moment.

I don't think he's
gonna be joining us.

What do you mean? His
plan was to meet here.

He's not concerned
with his plan anymore.

I don't understand.

He's going to kill Tarsus.

But Autolycus doesn't kill. He got revenge
on Tarsus before by stealing from him.

Now he plans to finish the job.

Xena, Autolycus isn't a killer. Not
even to avenge his brother's death.

He'd be a good
one. Think about it.

With his skills of disguise and
escape, he'd be one of the best.

That's if he crosses the
line. We're not gonna let him.

Come on.

[Sea Gulls Squawking]

Hello from Malechis.

[Panting] You plan
to kill me, don't you?

Why, Autolycus, I didn't know you
had it in you. That's why I'm here.

Don't you want to thank
me first? Think about it.

You pride yourself on being the King
of Thieves, the best at what you do.

And who made you that way?

Me. For better or worse,
I made you who you are!

Too bad this isn't about me.

It's about a decent man
you killed a long time ago.

Look, Autolycus, I can't
bring your brother back,

but I can offer you
money... Lots of money.

Money? I do love money.

How much? Everything I own.

Not enough, but
thanks for trying.

[Xena] Don't do it, Autolycus.

Stay out of this, Xena.

Don't get me wrong.
I agree with you.

He killed your brother,
turned you into a thief...

and he was determined
to see you dead.

Most people would think you
had every right to act as his judge.

But I'm asking you, what
would Malechis think?

The man you told me
about loved his brother.

He gave everything to see
that you became a good person.

Tarsus may have created the thief, but it
was Malechis who gave the thief his heart.

Was it the heart of a murderer?

[Men Approaching]

All right, Xena. You've been waiting
for this moment since we started.

Some good old-fashioned kick-butt,
that's-my-Warrior-Princess action.

[Grunting] Go get 'em!

Not ready. What?

We got a plan.
Remember? [Kiaiing]

[Kiaiing Continues]

After them, you idiots!

Run, Xena! They're coming!

Get them!

[Yelling, Grunting]

[Man] What are you doing?

[Yelling Continues]

[Kiaiing]

[Grunting]

[Kiaiing]

- Whoa! Whoa, whoa!
- [Growling]

[Both Grunting]

You loved your brother so much.
Say hi to him in the underworld!

Come on. Come play with me, huh?

[Kiaiing]

Xena, up and over. [Yelling]

Let's get out of here!
They're too much for us.

Quickly! Run! This way!

- Tarsus.
- [Coughing]

Tarsus!

General, your timing is perfect.

Arrest these people. They're
trying to deprive you of your gold.

I'm afraid we have a different
sense of humor in Scylosia.

So where is it? The gold!

Where is it? What,
are you blind?

It hasn't been melted down yet, but
the statue is right there against that...

But i-it was there! I stole it!

You stole it? [Laughing]

Now, how can that be?
Obviously, it's not even here.

Unless someone
stole it from you.

Someone like, uh...
Oh, what's his name?

Autolycus, the King of Thieves.

So I'm negotiating with you?

No. Sorry. I've made
other arrangements.

You ever offer me goods
you don't have again,

I'll slash your throat!

[Yelling]

[Grunts]

Autolycus, I hope
you don't mind that I...

No, no. Say no more. Sometimes
your way is, uh, just fine.

Well, looks like my
plan worked rather well.

Yeah. They'll be talking about
you from Scylosia to Britannia.

Now let's get that
statue back home. They'll

be happy to have the
guy who stole it too.

You know the problem
with your greatest work?

You can never tell
anyone how you did it.

[Yawning]

My Zeus and all the gods!

Pax is back!

Pax is back! Hey, hey!
Wake up, you guys!

Pax is back! Come on!

Pax is back! This is
incredible! Pax is back!

I cannot believe
what I'm seeing! Look!

Pax is back! Pax is back!

This is absolutely fantastic!

That's what makes doing
work like this worthwhile.

Yes, half-naked men screaming
through the square. I see your point.

Autolycus, tell me you
don't feel a little bit happy...

that you've given the
people their statue back.

I'll tell you what makes me feel a little
bit better... knowing that the crown of...

The King of Thieves?
Has been restored again.

And if these people want to
feel happy, well, that's okay too.

Xena. Autolycus, baby.

I tried to thank you
back there at the castle,

but you are not an
easy person to thank.

I don't need any thanks.
I'm sure you don't.

And I don't have
gems or money...

or anything else of
value to offer you,

except this.

You are the second-best
thief I've ever met.

And if you ever need to get inside
my body again, you just look me up.

Thanks. Gabrielle.

Yes? You'll miss me.

[Woman] Autolycus!

[Chuckles] Oh,
what a sweet sound.

Well, if you'll pardon
me, my public awaits.

Ta-ta.

How does it feel to be a thief?

"Second-best"?
He's got some nerve.

[Laughs]

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