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1
00:00:42,340 --> 00:00:44,340
Knock it down, why don't you?!
2
00:00:47,540 --> 00:00:50,179
Another little nudge and you'd
have had it off the hinges.
3
00:00:50,180 --> 00:00:54,699
I thought to myself,
"Oh, I've been jack-knifed into
by some huge articulated vehicle."
4
00:00:54,700 --> 00:00:59,280
Imagine my surprise when I opened
up and found it was just some
undersized scruffy little twit!
5
00:01:00,880 --> 00:01:03,959
I thought thy'd be open.
Well, that's a natural assumption,
6
00:01:03,960 --> 00:01:07,620
if you ignore the drawn blinds and
a 40-foot sign that says "closed"!
7
00:01:14,220 --> 00:01:17,619
Tea or coffee? Haven't you got
a wider choice than that?
8
00:01:17,620 --> 00:01:20,019
I'm getting fed up with
tea and coffee all the time.
9
00:01:20,020 --> 00:01:23,479
What do you want, then?
I don't know - you're the expert.
10
00:01:23,480 --> 00:01:25,239
Tempt me.
11
00:01:25,240 --> 00:01:27,239
How about a still lemonade?
12
00:01:27,240 --> 00:01:28,819
Oh, I don't want that rubbish.
13
00:01:28,820 --> 00:01:30,679
That's right,
think about it objectively!
14
00:01:30,680 --> 00:01:32,339
How about a fizzy lemonade?
15
00:01:32,340 --> 00:01:35,139
Oh, it gives me the wind.
16
00:01:35,140 --> 00:01:37,639
I need something to give me a lift.
17
00:01:37,640 --> 00:01:41,420
I don't suppose you'd care
to press off and try a
passing lorry, would you?!
18
00:01:43,040 --> 00:01:46,339
I think I'll have, er...
19
00:01:46,340 --> 00:01:47,780
cocoa.
20
00:01:48,880 --> 00:01:51,439
What's up -
all the racing been cancelled?
21
00:01:51,440 --> 00:01:54,679
I don't bet
all that much on the gee-gees.
22
00:01:54,680 --> 00:01:57,299
Over the year, it averages out.
23
00:01:57,300 --> 00:02:00,259
I lose a few bob
and then I go back
24
00:02:00,260 --> 00:02:02,559
and I lose a few more.
25
00:02:02,560 --> 00:02:04,119
Sounds very thorough.
26
00:02:04,120 --> 00:02:06,420
Well, you've got to have a system.
27
00:02:08,480 --> 00:02:14,420
It's times like this
when I'm getting low on fags
I miss old Cyril Blamire.
28
00:02:20,300 --> 00:02:23,659
Have you heard from him?
Not a postcard.
29
00:02:23,660 --> 00:02:26,919
It'd be more appropriate
if he sent thee a cigarette card.
30
00:02:26,920 --> 00:02:32,779
Nah. It were just a game. I used to
cadge his fags, he used to make a
fuss, but he didn't really mind.
31
00:02:32,780 --> 00:02:35,639
He knew he could always
have one of mine. Very true.
32
00:02:35,640 --> 00:02:38,659
Providing he had
a pin to hold it with.
33
00:02:38,660 --> 00:02:41,839
Do you think he'll marry this woman?
I wouldn't be surprised.
34
00:02:41,840 --> 00:02:44,579
He were off like a shot when he
heard that she'd become a widow.
35
00:02:44,580 --> 00:02:48,739
I never thought I'd hear
the day when you'd admit
to missing Cyril Blamire.
36
00:02:48,740 --> 00:02:50,539
Well, it's so quiet.
37
00:02:50,540 --> 00:02:52,639
There's no-one
to shout at me anymore.
38
00:02:52,640 --> 00:02:55,040
It's been weeks since
I've had a right rollicking.
39
00:02:56,200 --> 00:02:59,199
We used to argue every day.
40
00:02:59,200 --> 00:03:01,159
You miss things like that.
41
00:03:01,160 --> 00:03:05,039
Have you ever thought of
getting married? That's not funny.
Oh, now he tells me!
42
00:03:05,040 --> 00:03:09,159
Did anyone utter so much as a
whisper when I went to the altar,
when there was still time?
43
00:03:09,160 --> 00:03:10,800
Drink your cocoa.
44
00:03:18,260 --> 00:03:20,420
Oh, very delicate -
he'd have loved that.
45
00:03:23,020 --> 00:03:27,279
It seems to me there's a great deal
of enjoyment gone out of life.
46
00:03:27,280 --> 00:03:30,219
I bet that bird of his doesn't
slurp her cocoa like you do.
47
00:03:30,220 --> 00:03:33,539
Well, it serves him right,
then, don't it?
48
00:03:33,540 --> 00:03:35,060
Morning, Norm. Huh.
49
00:03:39,240 --> 00:03:40,700
There.
50
00:03:42,400 --> 00:03:43,979
There.
51
00:03:43,980 --> 00:03:49,740
You see? It's not the washing - it's
getting them back in their creases.
52
00:03:52,580 --> 00:03:59,559
A pair of trousers washed
by the home handyman is something
I could easily give up for Lent.
53
00:03:59,560 --> 00:04:05,079
And why is it, if there's such a
shortage of oil, it keeps appearing
on my trouser bottoms?
54
00:04:05,080 --> 00:04:07,939
Have you got any petrol?
55
00:04:07,940 --> 00:04:11,020
Oh, God, is he off
tea and coffee an' all?
56
00:04:12,160 --> 00:04:16,080
Here, lighter fuel. HE wanted cocoa.
57
00:04:17,440 --> 00:04:19,380
I'll bet it leaves a ring.
58
00:04:21,960 --> 00:04:23,639
Here's a cloth.
59
00:04:23,640 --> 00:04:25,100
Oh, ta.
60
00:04:28,600 --> 00:04:30,060
Now...
61
00:04:31,640 --> 00:04:34,339
Vernon Hislop broke his pelvis.
62
00:04:34,340 --> 00:04:36,600
There's some round the back. Oh, ta.
63
00:04:37,840 --> 00:04:42,559
I said,
Vernon Hislop went and broke his...
64
00:04:42,560 --> 00:04:46,999
'Ey-up, Vernon, you'll have to do
better than that if you want to make
an impression round 'ere.
65
00:04:47,000 --> 00:04:49,239
Did you see him? No.
66
00:04:49,240 --> 00:04:53,739
I had an eye-witness account at the
bookies from a bloke called Trigger.
67
00:04:53,740 --> 00:04:57,459
That's not a bloke -
that's Roy Rogers' horse.
68
00:04:57,460 --> 00:05:00,739
No wonder you can't pick winners
if you can't tell the difference.
69
00:05:00,740 --> 00:05:04,419
Trigger were there when
Vernon slipped and fell!
Well, that doesn't prove anything.
70
00:05:04,420 --> 00:05:09,459
But if he is Roy Rogers' horse,
you can tell in a minute if you
try him with a lump of sugar.
71
00:05:09,460 --> 00:05:13,239
Can he undo knots with his teeth?!
72
00:05:13,240 --> 00:05:15,499
Ah, shut up!
73
00:05:15,500 --> 00:05:17,479
He's got it on him
this morning - dead moody.
74
00:05:17,480 --> 00:05:20,919
Ah, well, he's not getting enough
exercise now that Cyril's left.
75
00:05:20,920 --> 00:05:24,199
You know what Cyril was like -
restless, energetic,
76
00:05:24,200 --> 00:05:25,939
crackers.
77
00:05:25,940 --> 00:05:28,459
When are we going
to do something exciting?
78
00:05:28,460 --> 00:05:30,559
You're sensation-mad.
79
00:05:30,560 --> 00:05:34,919
Poor old Vernon Hislop -
breaks his pelvis, and he's bored
again within five minutes.
80
00:05:34,920 --> 00:05:38,259
Well, I tell you what we're going
to do for starters, we're going
to meet the 11 o'clock bus.
81
00:05:38,260 --> 00:05:40,779
Is that from Cyril? He wrote it?
Yep, it came this morning.
82
00:05:40,780 --> 00:05:43,459
Is he going to be on the bus?
No. He's not going to be on the bus.
83
00:05:43,460 --> 00:05:47,439
Then what the hell are we going to
meet it for? Why don't you shut
your flap and let him tell you?
84
00:05:47,440 --> 00:05:54,299
"Oswestry, Saturday. Dear all,
weather remains mixed, wind variable.
85
00:05:54,300 --> 00:05:58,199
"By the way, if you should see
my former landlady, please enquire
86
00:05:58,200 --> 00:06:00,999
"if the blue socks are back
yet from the laundry.
87
00:06:01,000 --> 00:06:06,199
"I have acquired decent
accommodation in one of the
better residential areas.
88
00:06:06,200 --> 00:06:11,959
"Several persons of good standing are
eager to propose me for membership
of the Conservative Club..."
89
00:06:11,960 --> 00:06:16,319
Bah, the poor demented capitalist!
90
00:06:16,320 --> 00:06:20,659
"The social circle is grateful
for new blood, now that
the barracks are closing.
91
00:06:20,660 --> 00:06:25,039
"It's very sad to see this
once-proud military establishment
92
00:06:25,040 --> 00:06:27,619
"guarded now by a person
with dandruff
93
00:06:27,620 --> 00:06:31,800
"and an apparently well-speaking
Alsatian from Securicor.
94
00:06:33,400 --> 00:06:37,620
"Certainly, the brute's comprehension
of English is very inferior...
95
00:06:39,220 --> 00:06:43,039
"and so is his dog's,
because when I attempted to visit
96
00:06:43,040 --> 00:06:47,680
"the barracks on a nostalgic
pilgrimage,
the damn thing wouldn't let go!
97
00:06:48,900 --> 00:06:54,639
"The security fella was just
as unpleasant, but at least he
hasn't got me elbow in his mouth.
98
00:06:54,640 --> 00:06:57,699
"However,
the bruises have almost gone now,
99
00:06:57,700 --> 00:07:02,959
"thanks to the sympathetic
and skilful ministrations
of a certain lady."
100
00:07:04,920 --> 00:07:07,219
The poor dozy pillock!
101
00:07:07,220 --> 00:07:12,879
Can't you see him? Eh? Can't you see
him there in the darkened NAAFI, eh?
102
00:07:12,880 --> 00:07:15,939
All blushing
as she strokes his elbow.
103
00:07:15,940 --> 00:07:20,440
Ooh-hoo! No wonder the Tories
don't breed as fast as Labour.
104
00:07:22,120 --> 00:07:26,679
They wouldn't breed so fast, would
they, if they thought it was hard
work? Wait till it's nationalised.
105
00:07:26,680 --> 00:07:29,739
They'll take five of the beggars
where only one was needed before.
106
00:07:29,740 --> 00:07:34,639
And since the Sex Discrimination Act,
all five could turn out to be women.
107
00:07:34,640 --> 00:07:39,339
Aye. Do you ever get the feeling
that living in the second half
108
00:07:39,340 --> 00:07:44,100
of the 20th century is a bit
like being detained
on Her Majesty's pleasure?
109
00:07:46,280 --> 00:07:51,439
Read the letter. Oh, right.
Well, now we're getting to the
gritty-nitty, because Cyril says...
110
00:07:51,440 --> 00:07:55,699
"You'll be interested to hear
that among the last few people to be
111
00:07:55,700 --> 00:07:59,699
"employed at the barracks
was old Foggy Dewhurst."
112
00:07:59,700 --> 00:08:03,599
It says here...
"You remember Foggy Dewhurst?"
113
00:08:03,600 --> 00:08:08,959
I do. He were always sick
every playtime at school.
114
00:08:08,960 --> 00:08:12,079
He were in the Specials
before he went into the Army.
115
00:08:12,080 --> 00:08:16,439
Great, long, gormless streak
from Arnold Crescent.
116
00:08:16,440 --> 00:08:19,459
His mother wore brown boots.
117
00:08:19,460 --> 00:08:21,479
He were always on traffic duty.
118
00:08:21,480 --> 00:08:24,399
Blue uniform, white face.
119
00:08:24,400 --> 00:08:28,519
Looked like a pencil
with a rubber on the end.
120
00:08:28,520 --> 00:08:30,339
I thought he was dead.
121
00:08:30,340 --> 00:08:34,199
Nah. I had this feeling that he'd
either died or something unspeakable
122
00:08:34,200 --> 00:08:38,599
had happened to him, but I never
imagined anything as morbid as this.
What's that?
123
00:08:38,600 --> 00:08:41,280
Well, he's been in Wales
all this time. Oh.
124
00:08:43,300 --> 00:08:46,759
Cyril says...
"Foggy has been employed
125
00:08:46,760 --> 00:08:51,659
"at the barracks here
in a civilian capacity
since he retired from the Army.
126
00:08:51,660 --> 00:08:55,999
"We were stationed here together
for several months in 1947.
127
00:08:56,000 --> 00:09:02,799
"As you can imagine, he was delighted
to see me, and we held a small
but thoroughly depressing reunion.
128
00:09:02,800 --> 00:09:07,179
"So many of the old faces are gone,
and it gave us no comfort
129
00:09:07,180 --> 00:09:11,659
"to recognise that,
thanks to this Labour government,
when the Russians finally come,
130
00:09:11,660 --> 00:09:17,380
"practically all we shall
have left to throw at them
is one Welsh-speaking Alsatian.
131
00:09:19,020 --> 00:09:23,940
"On top of which, he's a reedy
tenor who bursts into song
at the slightest provocation..."
132
00:09:26,280 --> 00:09:28,419
Oh, no, that's the guard!
133
00:09:28,420 --> 00:09:30,479
I thought he meant the Alsatian.
134
00:09:30,480 --> 00:09:33,519
"Old Foggy's
returning home to an empty house
135
00:09:33,520 --> 00:09:38,639
"in Arnold Crescent, with all his
relatives passed on or moved away.
136
00:09:38,640 --> 00:09:42,759
"It would be a friendly gesture
if you could meet him and show him
137
00:09:42,760 --> 00:09:47,619
"that comradeship
which will help him over
this difficult transitional period.
138
00:09:47,620 --> 00:09:52,779
"It is with confidence that I commend
to your care old Foggy Dewhurst,
139
00:09:52,780 --> 00:09:55,839
"one of the finest
corporal signwriters with whom
140
00:09:55,840 --> 00:09:58,199
"it's ever been
my privilege to serve.
141
00:09:58,200 --> 00:10:01,859
"A master of the Gothic script...
142
00:10:01,860 --> 00:10:05,620
"and a keen leader of men."
143
00:10:18,904 --> 00:10:21,323
Has thy ever heard
of Yehudi Menuhin?
144
00:10:21,324 --> 00:10:22,824
No.
145
00:10:24,524 --> 00:10:26,004
No, neither have I.
146
00:10:28,464 --> 00:10:31,343
You know what
I always feel sorry about?
147
00:10:31,344 --> 00:10:32,863
Go on.
148
00:10:32,864 --> 00:10:36,203
That I didn't buy
them encyclopaedias.
149
00:10:36,204 --> 00:10:40,543
That bloke said if I'd have really
dipped into them, I could have
been up to degree standard.
150
00:10:40,544 --> 00:10:43,663
Who was he then,
Minister of Education?
151
00:10:43,664 --> 00:10:45,783
He said he grew lupins.
152
00:10:45,784 --> 00:10:51,103
Oh, well, he must have had some
shreds of self-respect,
then, if he grew lupins.
153
00:10:51,104 --> 00:10:56,443
Take care, monsieur! I am the
most feared swordsman in France!
154
00:10:56,444 --> 00:10:58,964
With what you're showing,
I'm not surprised!
155
00:11:01,164 --> 00:11:03,843
Is that a new vest?
156
00:11:03,844 --> 00:11:05,604
Ah, the other one were past it.
157
00:11:33,564 --> 00:11:39,363
Keep that thing the right way up,
will you? ..Ah, Clegg?
158
00:11:39,364 --> 00:11:41,303
Simonite.
159
00:11:41,304 --> 00:11:43,723
Cor. Now...
160
00:11:43,724 --> 00:11:45,103
Take...
161
00:11:45,104 --> 00:11:48,103
take that bag, will you? Come on!
162
00:11:48,104 --> 00:11:54,184
Now, look, keep your eye on that -
it's a lifetime collection of
hand-painted army office door signs.
163
00:11:55,804 --> 00:11:58,843
No, you men... No.
164
00:11:58,844 --> 00:12:02,903
I'm trying to keep that the right
way up! It should have travelled on
t'platform, should this, you know.
165
00:12:02,904 --> 00:12:06,263
He sneaked it on back at t'terminus,
didn't he? While we were
snatching a quick cuppa.
166
00:12:06,264 --> 00:12:09,103
I didn't sneak it -
I marched it on in good order
and military discipline.
167
00:12:09,104 --> 00:12:11,343
Aye. Then you jammed it like
a cork in t'back seat.
168
00:12:11,344 --> 00:12:13,863
Jam?
That's a preposterous suggestion.
169
00:12:13,864 --> 00:12:17,903
That anyone with my instinctive
delicacy of touch could
do anything so clumsy as jam.
170
00:12:17,904 --> 00:12:20,763
Then how come it's taking three of
us to throw the blasted thing off?
171
00:12:20,764 --> 00:12:23,564
I just tucked it in neatly,
that's all.
172
00:12:25,944 --> 00:12:27,724
I warn you not to throw that thing.
173
00:12:32,424 --> 00:12:34,684
Take that man's number! What?
174
00:12:37,304 --> 00:12:43,243
I must check the contents of these
bags to make sure that that fool
hasn't broken anything, you see.
175
00:12:43,244 --> 00:12:45,103
Now, could we, er...
176
00:12:45,104 --> 00:12:47,044
Yes, could we go in there,
do you think?
177
00:12:50,884 --> 00:12:53,004
Welcome home, Foggy.
178
00:12:57,304 --> 00:13:00,803
Yes, well, if we can just
put everything down in here.
179
00:13:00,804 --> 00:13:02,843
Carefully - put it down carefully,
won't you now?
180
00:13:02,844 --> 00:13:08,323
I'll give you a hand with this,
because I want to make sure that
fella hasn't broken these things.
181
00:13:08,324 --> 00:13:11,483
He threw it down
unnecessarily hard, I thought.
182
00:13:11,484 --> 00:13:15,303
Oh, no, those are all right,
aren't they? Oh, yes. Yes.
183
00:13:15,304 --> 00:13:16,963
Oh, I think everything's all right.
184
00:13:16,964 --> 00:13:19,043
Oh, would you like to have a look?
185
00:13:19,044 --> 00:13:21,383
Handle them very carefully,
won't you?
186
00:13:21,384 --> 00:13:28,023
Now, I usually
keep a slip of paper about me
for the purposes of note-taking.
187
00:13:28,024 --> 00:13:30,643
Oh, no, no.
That's my equipment list.
188
00:13:30,644 --> 00:13:32,983
Now, let's see what's in here now.
189
00:13:32,984 --> 00:13:35,983
Oh, no, that's the
suggested daily schedule.
190
00:13:35,984 --> 00:13:37,783
What... what a performance!
191
00:13:37,784 --> 00:13:39,523
Let's have a look at this.
192
00:13:39,524 --> 00:13:42,544
Oh, have you finished?
Did you enjoy those?
193
00:13:44,284 --> 00:13:48,343
Now, what I'm going to do
is to make a note of it on here
194
00:13:48,344 --> 00:13:51,483
and then transfer it later
to its proper piece of paper.
195
00:13:51,484 --> 00:13:54,583
Now, I don't mind disorder,
but you have to remember that
196
00:13:54,584 --> 00:13:57,343
flexibility is the fourth
dimension of good planning.
197
00:13:57,344 --> 00:14:01,143
And the main thing is to make
a decision and push on with it.
198
00:14:01,144 --> 00:14:07,244
Now, you see, for the purposes
of note-taking, I usually carry a
free-flow slimline ballpoint pen...
199
00:14:11,344 --> 00:14:13,704
Pen...
200
00:14:18,664 --> 00:14:20,663
What's he doing now?
201
00:14:20,664 --> 00:14:22,583
He's doing all right.
202
00:14:22,584 --> 00:14:28,303
You get depressed sometimes and begin
to believe that there aren't any real
old-fashioned idiots left. And then,
203
00:14:28,304 --> 00:14:29,803
out of the blue
204
00:14:29,804 --> 00:14:37,183
comes a genuine 14-carat
gilt-edged barmpot like this!
205
00:14:37,184 --> 00:14:41,603
He looks a bit weird to me sitting
there with his mouth open.
You know...
206
00:14:41,604 --> 00:14:43,144
silent, like.
207
00:14:55,204 --> 00:14:56,744
I've got it. I don't need it!
208
00:14:58,504 --> 00:15:00,823
It amazes you, that, doesn't it?
209
00:15:00,824 --> 00:15:03,903
No, it's just a little trick,
you see, that I've perfected
210
00:15:03,904 --> 00:15:07,683
for bringing all the mental powers
to bear on the subject in hand.
211
00:15:07,684 --> 00:15:09,643
I call it my little
planning sessions.
212
00:15:09,644 --> 00:15:12,263
I thought he were having a stroke.
213
00:15:12,264 --> 00:15:16,123
Oh, no, no. No, you see, I had
to remember what I'd done with
my little ballpoint, so I had
214
00:15:16,124 --> 00:15:22,063
one of my little planning sessions,
you see, played over certain actions
in the kaleidoscope of the mind,
215
00:15:22,064 --> 00:15:25,783
and bingo, within seconds, I know
exactly what I've done with it.
What HAVE you done with it?
216
00:15:25,784 --> 00:15:28,044
I've left it on the bus.
217
00:15:35,664 --> 00:15:39,183
Did you notice I paused for
a second back there on the hill?
218
00:15:39,184 --> 00:15:42,223
Throwing a map-reader's
eye over the ground.
219
00:15:42,224 --> 00:15:45,503
Just for an instant, but long enough
220
00:15:45,504 --> 00:15:48,263
to recognise that the place
hasn't changed much.
221
00:15:48,264 --> 00:15:53,163
Oh, I don't know,
there's a kind of sparkle
through the beads of perspiration.
222
00:15:53,164 --> 00:15:56,143
How much luggage has thy got, Foggy?
223
00:15:56,144 --> 00:16:00,383
Well, what I suggest is, we take
this lot round to Arnold Crescent
224
00:16:00,384 --> 00:16:05,383
and have a breather,
then go and collect the heavy trunk
from the parcels office.
225
00:16:07,964 --> 00:16:12,003
I think we'd better give him
a few lessons about my bad back!
226
00:16:12,004 --> 00:16:16,164
Are you sure you've actually left
the Army and not brought it with you?
227
00:16:17,744 --> 00:16:21,884
Foggy? Foggy?
228
00:16:32,284 --> 00:16:34,344
Are you there, Foggy?
229
00:16:36,104 --> 00:16:38,563
It began with a B142.
230
00:16:38,564 --> 00:16:41,263
What did? That man's number.
231
00:16:41,264 --> 00:16:43,144
But are you sure?
232
00:16:44,804 --> 00:16:47,903
Not completely, no.
233
00:16:47,904 --> 00:16:50,343
Ooh! No, but...
234
00:16:50,344 --> 00:16:53,943
What are we carting these
old bits of wood about for?
235
00:16:53,944 --> 00:16:59,003
They happen to be the nucleus
of a unique collection of
hand-painted army office door signs.
236
00:16:59,004 --> 00:17:00,643
Oh, you don't say?
237
00:17:00,644 --> 00:17:02,703
But are they worth anything?
238
00:17:02,704 --> 00:17:04,863
Not individually, no.
239
00:17:04,864 --> 00:17:08,103
I see. I don't suppose the
doors are in the trunk, are they?
240
00:17:08,104 --> 00:17:10,583
Isn't that right, Foggy?
241
00:17:10,584 --> 00:17:13,403
That man's got
a hole in his trousers!
242
00:17:13,404 --> 00:17:17,164
Ah, yeah, it's just his little
way of showing his individuality.
243
00:17:22,504 --> 00:17:26,444
39, please, gents. Ta.
244
00:17:26,764 --> 00:17:28,643
No. No, no, no, no.
245
00:17:28,644 --> 00:17:31,023
Don't you pay -
I'll pay for the refreshments.
246
00:17:31,024 --> 00:17:35,444
Well, you were good enough to assist
me in transit with the baggage,
personal lightweight.
247
00:17:37,004 --> 00:17:39,383
What's he on about - lightweight?!
248
00:17:39,384 --> 00:17:42,523
Well, don't forget,
we haven't seen the trunk yet.
249
00:17:42,524 --> 00:17:46,623
Is your, er, friend doing
anything productive, do you think?
250
00:17:46,624 --> 00:17:48,363
Or is he just having a good scratch?
251
00:17:48,364 --> 00:17:51,863
Here we are... No, no, no, no.
252
00:17:51,864 --> 00:17:56,323
No, nobody buys the first round
except Corporal Dewhurst.
253
00:17:56,324 --> 00:18:01,944
Fancy, and to think when he started
looking, he was only a private.
254
00:18:08,044 --> 00:18:09,804
Thank you.
255
00:18:11,744 --> 00:18:15,103
That's a real
commando's purse, is that.
256
00:18:15,104 --> 00:18:16,903
Napoleon started as corporal.
257
00:18:16,904 --> 00:18:20,543
And he's ended up as a Josephine.
258
00:18:20,544 --> 00:18:23,003
To Operation Swordblade.
259
00:18:23,004 --> 00:18:27,043
What the hell's
Operation Swordblade?
260
00:18:27,044 --> 00:18:32,363
No, don't ask me
to say any more at the moment.
261
00:18:32,364 --> 00:18:38,523
No, it's just a little enterprise
I was proud to be associated with
when I was on the active list.
262
00:18:38,524 --> 00:18:43,663
It's enough for you to know
at this moment, under alien skies,
263
00:18:43,664 --> 00:18:49,404
a little handful of brave men is
still to be found to have made
liberty their watchword.
264
00:18:52,964 --> 00:18:55,103
Shall we have a sit down?
265
00:18:55,104 --> 00:18:57,743
Norman, what he's on about?
266
00:18:57,744 --> 00:18:59,623
You know, the western world.
267
00:18:59,624 --> 00:19:01,863
In the balance. Fate of.
268
00:19:01,864 --> 00:19:04,803
Isn't he lovely?
269
00:19:04,804 --> 00:19:09,123
No, it is my intention to transform
the current Arnold Crescent
270
00:19:09,124 --> 00:19:13,443
into a small but efficient
outpost of all the military virtues.
271
00:19:13,444 --> 00:19:18,563
And if on the currents
that move in Arnold Crescent
are obstinately civilian?
272
00:19:18,564 --> 00:19:23,043
Yes, well, now, standing orders,
reveille 0600 hours.
273
00:19:23,044 --> 00:19:27,683
Oh, that's early. 0630 to 0700 hours,
physical training.
274
00:19:27,684 --> 00:19:32,683
And it's a bit like
love-making, you know - it's a vice
if you practise it alone.
275
00:19:32,684 --> 00:19:34,663
Spend time in your garden.
276
00:19:34,664 --> 00:19:36,943
Not what I've been trained for.
277
00:19:36,944 --> 00:19:38,983
Oh, paint it white if you have to.
278
00:19:38,984 --> 00:19:40,503
You don't paint all of it white -
279
00:19:40,504 --> 00:19:43,963
you just pick
out a few of the stones at
the edges of the paths and borders.
280
00:19:43,964 --> 00:19:46,143
Come walking with us. Ah!
281
00:19:46,144 --> 00:19:50,703
Now, I've reserved Tuesdays and
Thursdays for route marches
and other map-reading schemes.
282
00:19:50,704 --> 00:19:52,844
We just pop up the hill
and have a fag.
283
00:19:54,564 --> 00:19:58,723
You don't still smoke
filthy cigarettes?
284
00:19:58,724 --> 00:20:02,283
You must have lungs
like tangled boot laces.
285
00:20:02,284 --> 00:20:08,443
Well, I intend to resist this
sloppy process of civilian decay -
I have a will like iron.
286
00:20:08,444 --> 00:20:12,263
Well, you'll find that stiff
cardboard is more than adequate
for today's standards.
287
00:20:12,264 --> 00:20:14,783
I'm a fairly tolerant sort of bloke.
288
00:20:14,784 --> 00:20:18,143
If tha's going to be a non-smoker,
I suppose I can get used to it.
289
00:20:18,144 --> 00:20:21,943
Here, I hope you're not going to be
one of them chain non-smokers, Foggy,
290
00:20:21,944 --> 00:20:25,563
that can't finish not having one
before you start not having another.
291
00:20:25,564 --> 00:20:29,343
Aye. I can take non-smokers
in moderation,
292
00:20:29,344 --> 00:20:33,283
but what whittles me
is how much longer
he's going to be walking about
293
00:20:33,284 --> 00:20:35,644
dressed up like
the regimental mascot.
294
00:20:42,624 --> 00:20:46,064
Oh. Oh, don't you provoke me
like that.
295
00:20:47,984 --> 00:20:50,083
No, I'm all right now.
296
00:20:50,084 --> 00:20:56,283
I'm all right. Just that I get
these... murderous tempers, you see.
297
00:20:56,284 --> 00:21:00,043
No, on the whole,
you really shouldn't say anything
298
00:21:00,044 --> 00:21:04,064
to me that you couldn't safely say
to John Wayne.
299
00:21:05,664 --> 00:21:07,404
Tha's not like John Wayne.
300
00:21:08,964 --> 00:21:10,543
We're the same height.
301
00:21:10,544 --> 00:21:12,923
People are always remarking on it.
302
00:21:12,924 --> 00:21:15,703
You've never seen him
in a hat like that, though.
303
00:21:15,704 --> 00:21:18,123
Look who's giving
advice about dress.
304
00:21:18,124 --> 00:21:19,863
Even for a civilian, you're a mess.
305
00:21:19,864 --> 00:21:23,043
And I am at the height of my
mental and physical fitness.
306
00:21:23,044 --> 00:21:24,844
I have a body like whip cord.
307
00:21:26,604 --> 00:21:29,263
And I have control, you see,
308
00:21:29,264 --> 00:21:32,483
thanks to this ancient trick
I picked up in the East.
309
00:21:32,484 --> 00:21:34,523
Like Mrs Bhattacharya.
310
00:21:34,524 --> 00:21:39,683
Like iron self-control.
You great nelly!
311
00:21:39,684 --> 00:21:42,284
You can't even control that
piece of string around your neck.
312
00:21:44,024 --> 00:21:47,163
These are my regimental colours.
313
00:21:47,164 --> 00:21:49,583
I will fight any man here
who insults these colours.
314
00:21:49,584 --> 00:21:51,683
All right, Foggy...
315
00:21:51,684 --> 00:21:54,063
This is no place
to be issuing challenges.
316
00:21:54,064 --> 00:21:56,544
This is something of a sporting pub.
317
00:22:03,984 --> 00:22:05,984
I don't like those colours.
318
00:22:09,424 --> 00:22:12,583
That's my little cousin,
Big Malcolm.
319
00:22:12,584 --> 00:22:14,383
How's your mam, Big Malcolm?
320
00:22:14,384 --> 00:22:17,083
Nicely, thank you, Cleggy.
321
00:22:17,084 --> 00:22:21,423
He just got home today,
Big Malcolm, he's back from Wales.
322
00:22:21,424 --> 00:22:23,203
Fancy.
323
00:22:23,204 --> 00:22:26,543
And up to now,
it's been his lucky day.
324
00:22:26,544 --> 00:22:29,903
Yes, well, I think what we've got
here, Big Malcolm, essentially,
325
00:22:29,904 --> 00:22:33,344
is a situation that's still
open to peaceful settlement.
326
00:22:34,944 --> 00:22:37,183
I can't do it, Cleggy.
327
00:22:37,184 --> 00:22:42,063
I've got to live in this pub.
If there'd been nobody in,
we could have had a drink and laugh,
328
00:22:42,064 --> 00:22:44,124
but they've all heard.
329
00:22:45,744 --> 00:22:50,843
I feel that I should warn you
that I'm no stranger to the
deadly arts of unarmed combat.
330
00:22:50,844 --> 00:22:55,323
Now, listen, little Big Malcolm.
Listen to me. Can't tha let him off?
331
00:22:55,324 --> 00:22:59,264
Look at him. I mean, on account
of the fact that he's... crackers.
332
00:23:04,384 --> 00:23:09,183
Of course I've sworn never
to use these deadly arts for
my own personal advantage.
333
00:23:09,184 --> 00:23:13,563
I'd appreciate the loan
of this bit of rag round your neck,
334
00:23:13,564 --> 00:23:18,684
on account of some unsteady twit
spilling beer on our domino table.
335
00:23:24,264 --> 00:23:27,203
Yes, well, I mean,
you see the dilemma I'm in.
336
00:23:27,204 --> 00:23:32,743
Oh, very clearly. I mean, if he
provokes me sufficiently to arouse
battle frenzy, I could hurt him.
337
00:23:32,744 --> 00:23:38,664
A man of discretion at this stage,
Foggy, would almost certainly
retire via the concert room door.
338
00:23:46,104 --> 00:23:50,404
Yes, well, it's a matter of honour.
339
00:24:06,584 --> 00:24:10,843
Yes, well, I've give you once
last chance to apologise for
the rude remarks you've made...
340
00:24:10,844 --> 00:24:12,964
SMACK! Oh!
341
00:24:14,064 --> 00:24:15,823
You've made such a mess!
342
00:24:15,824 --> 00:24:18,684
Oh, oh...
343
00:24:21,164 --> 00:24:24,903
Oh, you've no idea
how glad I am I didn't hurt him.
344
00:24:24,904 --> 00:24:27,164
Oh. Oh.
345
00:24:32,504 --> 00:24:33,783
Is he all right, Cleggy?
346
00:24:33,784 --> 00:24:36,503
Oh, nicely, thank you, Big Malcolm.
347
00:24:36,504 --> 00:24:39,783
How long you had him? Just today.
348
00:24:39,784 --> 00:24:41,623
Well, if you can keep him alive,
349
00:24:41,624 --> 00:24:43,484
you might get some mileage
out of him.
350
00:24:57,944 --> 00:25:02,284
I can't understand why anyone with
a death wish needs so much baggage.
351
00:25:03,864 --> 00:25:07,164
Will tha stop pulling that trunk
and try pushing this one?!
352
00:25:11,324 --> 00:25:14,243
To be brutally honest,
I'm not too enchanted about getting
353
00:25:14,244 --> 00:25:18,883
my head down so close to your...
scandalous civilian hindquarters.
354
00:25:18,884 --> 00:25:20,103
Then close you eyes!
355
00:25:20,104 --> 00:25:23,563
Oh, I'm almost equally
at home in the dark.
356
00:25:23,564 --> 00:25:25,103
I've got senses like a cat.
357
00:25:25,104 --> 00:25:26,743
Oh, heck.
358
00:25:26,744 --> 00:25:33,103
He's off again! No, I've got
a very low sleep threshold too.
359
00:25:33,104 --> 00:25:37,223
The first snap of twig,
and I'm there,
balanced on the balls of my feet.
360
00:25:37,224 --> 00:25:42,023
I think I may never drink again
without toasting
Operation Swordblade.
361
00:25:42,024 --> 00:25:44,264
I wish tha'd stop encouraging him!
362
00:25:50,184 --> 00:25:51,624
Hang on a minute...
363
00:25:54,564 --> 00:25:56,803
Stop, Cleggy. Cleggy!
364
00:25:56,804 --> 00:25:59,164
Cleggy, stop!
365
00:26:00,444 --> 00:26:01,564
I order you to stop!
366
00:26:23,304 --> 00:26:27,144
Like a cat, he says.
He's more like a gyppo's horse!
367
00:26:28,804 --> 00:26:30,084
Oh, dear!
368
00:26:39,824 --> 00:26:41,564
Stop it!
369
00:26:53,404 --> 00:26:57,403
I didn't tell you to release the
thing, did I? I said stop it,
not let go of the damn trolley.
370
00:26:57,404 --> 00:27:00,823
We were acting on our own initiative.
371
00:27:00,824 --> 00:27:05,923
You must remember
that flexibility is the fourth
dimension of good planning.
372
00:27:05,924 --> 00:27:07,903
Cut me loose, will you?
Cut me loose.
373
00:27:07,904 --> 00:27:10,004
There's a knife in this pocket.
374
00:27:12,464 --> 00:27:14,923
Which pocket?
375
00:27:14,924 --> 00:27:16,543
Try the other pocket.
376
00:27:16,544 --> 00:27:18,203
Oh, heck.
377
00:27:18,204 --> 00:27:19,844
Here we go again.
378
00:27:23,684 --> 00:27:25,164
Mind your jumper.
379
00:27:30,444 --> 00:27:35,083
Hey! Does tha think he's allus
weird or is it just today?
380
00:27:35,084 --> 00:27:38,143
I think the signs are very promising.
381
00:27:38,144 --> 00:27:42,383
I think the chances are that
he's potty on a full-time basis.
382
00:27:42,384 --> 00:27:45,404
I hope that trunk's all right,
you know.
383
00:27:47,204 --> 00:27:50,364
I've got a very valuable
optical gunsight in there.
384
00:27:52,204 --> 00:27:55,844
It only wants a bit of machining
and a ground glass or two.
33934
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