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1
00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:03,546
- ? Now as our poor
young lungs deflate ?
2
00:00:03,644 --> 00:00:07,583
? I'll admit
I've gotten older ?
3
00:00:07,682 --> 00:00:13,189
? Mellowed out, chatting up
those I used to hate ?
4
00:00:13,288 --> 00:00:15,791
? ?
5
00:00:15,889 --> 00:00:20,163
? The feeling that
we're lost will always fade ?
6
00:00:20,261 --> 00:00:24,367
? I present no explanation ?
7
00:00:24,465 --> 00:00:27,971
? Can't expect
our tired patience ?
8
00:00:28,070 --> 00:00:32,141
? To satiate for long ?
9
00:00:32,239 --> 00:00:35,979
? Therein lies a truth
we can sip when we want ?
10
00:00:36,076 --> 00:00:40,183
? Disciples of the flow,
we can float anywhere ?
11
00:00:40,281 --> 00:00:42,718
? ?
12
00:00:43,918 --> 00:00:46,822
[car horns honking]
13
00:00:46,921 --> 00:00:51,860
- Oh, man, this is crazy.
I'm driving a bus.
14
00:00:51,960 --> 00:00:53,896
It is big.
15
00:00:53,995 --> 00:00:56,900
Hey, Tom. Tom.
- Hey, yeah?
16
00:00:56,997 --> 00:00:59,903
- What is it, man?
- You just called my name.
17
00:01:00,001 --> 00:01:01,770
- I did?
- Um, bus driver,
18
00:01:01,870 --> 00:01:03,306
you feeling okay?
- Tom,
19
00:01:03,405 --> 00:01:07,343
do you think there's
a possibility that with AI
20
00:01:07,442 --> 00:01:11,414
or some shit, the buses
could take over the planet?
21
00:01:11,512 --> 00:01:13,016
- What is he talking about?
[siren wails]
22
00:01:13,115 --> 00:01:14,450
- Maybe just give him
some space.
23
00:01:14,549 --> 00:01:17,286
- What is this noise, Tom?
Do you hear that?
24
00:01:17,385 --> 00:01:19,622
I mean, are they talking to us?
25
00:01:19,720 --> 00:01:22,891
- Why don't we
pull the bus over?
26
00:01:22,991 --> 00:01:24,260
[knock on door]
27
00:01:24,358 --> 00:01:26,062
- Sir, do you know
how fast you were going?
28
00:01:26,161 --> 00:01:27,430
- Um...
- Wild guess.
29
00:01:27,529 --> 00:01:29,665
- I'm not certain.
- Three.
30
00:01:29,763 --> 00:01:31,534
- Okay.
- Three miles per hour.
31
00:01:31,632 --> 00:01:34,938
- Is that too fast or too slow
for this zone?
32
00:01:35,035 --> 00:01:37,406
- Why don't you come on out
of the vehicle for me, sir?
33
00:01:37,505 --> 00:01:40,443
- Okay, just give me
one second, please.
34
00:01:40,541 --> 00:01:42,745
Tom, can I ask you a question?
- Yeah.
35
00:01:42,844 --> 00:01:46,249
- I am on so many drugs
right now.
36
00:01:46,342 --> 00:01:49,818
Am I talking to a cop or
am I talking to another bus?
37
00:01:49,917 --> 00:01:52,355
- I'm pretty sure it's a cop.
- I was leaning cop,
38
00:01:52,453 --> 00:01:55,224
but I wasn't 100%.
[school bell rings]
39
00:01:55,323 --> 00:01:58,361
- Listen, folks,
thank you for making it out.
40
00:01:58,459 --> 00:02:00,163
We have a situation here.
41
00:02:00,261 --> 00:02:01,730
Our bus driver was caught
driving
42
00:02:01,829 --> 00:02:04,633
with alarming amounts
of drugs in his system,
43
00:02:04,732 --> 00:02:08,871
so he is being put on unpaid
leave while he goes to rehab.
44
00:02:08,970 --> 00:02:11,440
Until he's back,
we need the parents for now
45
00:02:11,539 --> 00:02:14,543
to start carpooling.
Do we have any volunteers?
46
00:02:15,576 --> 00:02:18,081
No volunteers.
- I need to leave.
47
00:02:18,179 --> 00:02:19,815
- Come on.
- I can't because
48
00:02:19,914 --> 00:02:21,217
I just recently bought
a motorcycle.
49
00:02:21,316 --> 00:02:22,818
- Okay.
- You know, I bought
50
00:02:22,917 --> 00:02:25,554
a smaller one than I should've
and no one fits on it.
51
00:02:25,653 --> 00:02:27,456
I gotta go.
[door shuts]
52
00:02:27,555 --> 00:02:29,458
- You know what? Me too.
I gotta take this.
53
00:02:29,557 --> 00:02:31,360
- Come on, people.
[door shuts]
54
00:02:31,459 --> 00:02:32,996
- I'll tell you what.
If nobody's gonna volunteer
55
00:02:33,094 --> 00:02:35,464
then the first people to be
on carpool duty is
56
00:02:35,563 --> 00:02:38,201
Yasmine's mom, Randy's dad,
and Tom's mom.
57
00:02:38,299 --> 00:02:40,569
- Me? No, no, no.
I don't wear my seatbelt.
58
00:02:40,668 --> 00:02:42,305
- I don't care.
- Just know this,
59
00:02:42,398 --> 00:02:45,074
I eat full meals in my lap
with a knife and fork.
60
00:02:45,173 --> 00:02:47,143
I cut steaks on my lap.
61
00:02:47,242 --> 00:02:48,744
I eat spaghetti on my lap.
62
00:02:48,843 --> 00:02:51,714
- It doesn't matter.
- Please don't make me do this.
63
00:02:51,812 --> 00:02:55,684
I know they're your children,
but they are awful.
64
00:02:59,187 --> 00:03:01,257
- Tom's mom,
can I ask you a question?
65
00:03:01,355 --> 00:03:02,658
- Yeah, what is it, Yasmine?
66
00:03:02,757 --> 00:03:05,189
- Why are you always
wearing flip-flops?
67
00:03:05,293 --> 00:03:07,630
Do you think
that's a good look?
68
00:03:07,728 --> 00:03:09,098
- Oh, my God.
- You know, why don't
69
00:03:09,197 --> 00:03:11,667
we just stay out
of Tom's mom's business?
70
00:03:11,766 --> 00:03:14,470
- Oh, my God,
what are we listening to?
71
00:03:14,568 --> 00:03:17,106
- Don't make fun of it.
- This is terrible.
72
00:03:17,205 --> 00:03:20,409
- Randy, music's subjective.
- [mimics retching]
73
00:03:20,508 --> 00:03:22,545
- Don't make barfing sounds.
- [mimics retching]
74
00:03:22,644 --> 00:03:24,113
- Seriously.
- Ma'am, I have a question.
75
00:03:24,212 --> 00:03:25,581
- Oh, boy.
- What?
76
00:03:25,679 --> 00:03:27,450
- After school,
can you take us to the mall?
77
00:03:27,549 --> 00:03:29,213
- That's a big no
on that one, Hector.
78
00:03:29,317 --> 00:03:31,215
- I mean,
technically you have to.
79
00:03:31,314 --> 00:03:33,957
- It's like if you replace
the bus driver...
80
00:03:34,054 --> 00:03:37,293
- You work for the school now.
- So you kind of work for us.
81
00:03:37,392 --> 00:03:38,794
- No, I don't work
for the school.
82
00:03:38,893 --> 00:03:41,931
- No, well, you have to go
where we say you go.
83
00:03:42,030 --> 00:03:44,467
You can hear me, right?
I said the mall.
84
00:03:44,566 --> 00:03:46,402
- Hector, don't. Don't poke her.
- Do it. Poke her.
85
00:03:46,501 --> 00:03:48,271
- Ma'am.
- I'm worried for
86
00:03:48,364 --> 00:03:50,039
everyone's safety right now.
- Poke again.
87
00:03:50,138 --> 00:03:51,474
- You go where we say you go.
88
00:03:51,572 --> 00:03:53,342
- You're being abnormally
annoying right now.
89
00:03:53,441 --> 00:03:55,778
- You go where we say you go.
90
00:03:55,872 --> 00:03:57,480
Take me to the mall.
91
00:04:00,548 --> 00:04:02,551
- Mom,
why are we at a toy store?
92
00:04:02,650 --> 00:04:04,087
Can't imagine you're just
buying me toys.
93
00:04:04,185 --> 00:04:05,654
- Tom, what are you crazy?
94
00:04:05,753 --> 00:04:08,424
I need to end this carpool
situation fast,
95
00:04:08,523 --> 00:04:10,426
so we're gonna purchase
a fart machine.
96
00:04:10,525 --> 00:04:12,628
- No, Mom.
- If riding in our car's
97
00:04:12,726 --> 00:04:14,830
a disgusting experience,
the kids are not gonna want to
98
00:04:14,929 --> 00:04:17,800
ride with us and I'll be
excused from participating.
99
00:04:17,899 --> 00:04:20,036
- Can't you just
politely decline?
100
00:04:20,135 --> 00:04:22,071
- No. Not an option.
101
00:04:22,170 --> 00:04:23,973
Hi. Excuse me.
- Oh, what's up?
102
00:04:24,071 --> 00:04:26,842
- My son wants a fart machine.
- I can live without it.
103
00:04:26,941 --> 00:04:28,711
- I was just wondering
which one you recommend.
104
00:04:28,809 --> 00:04:31,547
- Oh, cool, um, yeah, I would go
with the Fart Blaster 2000.
105
00:04:31,646 --> 00:04:32,748
It's pretty gangster.
106
00:04:32,848 --> 00:04:34,583
Um, it's got full volume
control.
107
00:04:34,682 --> 00:04:36,619
Range of ethnic
and gender specific farts.
108
00:04:36,717 --> 00:04:38,587
- Sounds amazing.
- Bluetooth capability
109
00:04:38,686 --> 00:04:41,324
and puts out 40 fpm, so...
- What does that even mean?
110
00:04:41,422 --> 00:04:44,160
- Farts per minute, little man.
- Okay, what are we talking?
111
00:04:44,259 --> 00:04:45,995
- 300 smackers, dude.
- What?
112
00:04:46,089 --> 00:04:47,163
- Pay the man.
- Whoa.
113
00:04:47,261 --> 00:04:48,898
What do you got for max 12?
114
00:04:48,996 --> 00:04:51,067
- For 12 bucks,
I gotta be honest with you.
115
00:04:51,165 --> 00:04:53,269
You're probably looking at
a floor model of Fart Party.
116
00:04:53,368 --> 00:04:54,803
- No.
- It's a big drop off
117
00:04:54,903 --> 00:04:56,739
in quality.
It's a one style of fart.
118
00:04:56,837 --> 00:04:59,108
No volume control and
technically there's a recall
119
00:04:59,207 --> 00:05:00,276
since they can catch fire,
120
00:05:00,375 --> 00:05:02,511
but it's made in the USA, so...
121
00:05:02,610 --> 00:05:04,680
- It doesn't look like
a quality device.
122
00:05:04,779 --> 00:05:07,283
- I do love the idea of
supporting American jobs.
123
00:05:07,382 --> 00:05:08,551
- You don't care about
American jobs.
124
00:05:08,649 --> 00:05:10,286
- Tom.
- You know you don't care.
125
00:05:10,385 --> 00:05:12,956
- It's a tough call, but we're
gonna take that terrible one.
126
00:05:13,049 --> 00:05:15,058
- USA, dude.
- USA.
127
00:05:17,359 --> 00:05:19,628
- This thing didn't even come
with an owner's manual.
128
00:05:19,727 --> 00:05:21,764
- Tom, if you don't know
how to operate a fart machine,
129
00:05:21,862 --> 00:05:24,867
we really need to rethink
your education here, kid.
130
00:05:24,965 --> 00:05:27,870
- It doesn't make sense.
- Press button that says "fart."
131
00:05:27,969 --> 00:05:30,073
- Press button that says "fart."
That's all?
132
00:05:30,172 --> 00:05:31,240
- Yeah.
- I don't know
133
00:05:31,339 --> 00:05:32,375
why I was confused.
Yeah,
134
00:05:32,473 --> 00:05:33,676
that's pretty straight forward.
135
00:05:35,810 --> 00:05:37,080
Hey, guys. Hey.
What's up, everyone?
136
00:05:37,178 --> 00:05:38,681
- Sorry I missed yesterday.
137
00:05:38,780 --> 00:05:40,683
I heard this is the hottest
carpool group to be in.
138
00:05:40,781 --> 00:05:42,585
- This is actually
a lot of fun.
139
00:05:42,683 --> 00:05:44,420
I like this better
than the bus.
140
00:05:46,254 --> 00:05:48,591
- Any of you ladies see
"Rambo" by any chance?
141
00:05:48,690 --> 00:05:49,926
[farts]
Oh.
142
00:05:50,025 --> 00:05:51,094
- Excuse me.
143
00:05:51,192 --> 00:05:52,095
[farts]
Sorry.
144
00:05:52,194 --> 00:05:53,329
- Um...
- What?
145
00:05:53,428 --> 00:05:54,898
[farts]
- Sorry. That was me.
146
00:05:54,995 --> 00:05:56,732
- Yeah, that was three times.
- Are you all right?
147
00:05:56,832 --> 00:05:58,067
- Yeah, it's...
[farts]
148
00:05:58,166 --> 00:05:59,302
- Again.
- This happens
149
00:05:59,401 --> 00:06:00,603
when I'm in cars.
[farts]
150
00:06:00,702 --> 00:06:01,637
Whoops.
- You know what?
151
00:06:01,737 --> 00:06:02,939
He does this all the time.
152
00:06:03,038 --> 00:06:04,873
If you guys want to find
another ride,
153
00:06:04,973 --> 00:06:06,442
no one's gonna blame you.
[farts]
154
00:06:06,540 --> 00:06:08,177
- Tom, you burping
out the wrong hole.
155
00:06:08,276 --> 00:06:09,512
[farts continue]
- Whoops.
156
00:06:09,611 --> 00:06:11,614
- Stop.
- Whoops. Whoops.
157
00:06:11,712 --> 00:06:13,749
I think it's broken.
- What's broken?
158
00:06:13,849 --> 00:06:15,518
- My rear end, obviously.
- Tom.
159
00:06:15,616 --> 00:06:17,053
I'm actually concerned.
Are you okay?
160
00:06:17,152 --> 00:06:19,022
- I don't know.
I don't even know anymore.
161
00:06:19,121 --> 00:06:20,123
- This is...
162
00:06:20,222 --> 00:06:21,457
alarming.
- Strange.
163
00:06:21,556 --> 00:06:22,825
- It's getting away from me.
- Tom.
164
00:06:22,924 --> 00:06:24,793
[farts continue]
You have to stop.
165
00:06:24,892 --> 00:06:27,964
- This is clearly
not a viable carpool option.
166
00:06:28,063 --> 00:06:29,732
[farts]
- This is alarming.
167
00:06:29,830 --> 00:06:32,801
- At this point, I literally
don't know what to do.
168
00:06:33,934 --> 00:06:36,272
- Help me, God.
- What just happened?
169
00:06:36,371 --> 00:06:38,274
- Sorry, guys.
Feel free to find
170
00:06:38,373 --> 00:06:40,543
another ride to school.
- Nurse, get over here.
171
00:06:40,641 --> 00:06:41,978
- No, no.
- What is it?
172
00:06:42,077 --> 00:06:43,079
Please, no nurses.
173
00:06:43,178 --> 00:06:45,048
- Tom's been farting
every two seconds
174
00:06:45,141 --> 00:06:46,482
for the past five minutes.
175
00:06:46,582 --> 00:06:48,151
- Ex--how are you alive?
176
00:06:48,250 --> 00:06:49,718
Excuse me?
- It's honestly,
177
00:06:49,817 --> 00:06:52,355
it's not a big thing.
- It is a big thing.
178
00:06:52,453 --> 00:06:54,823
You farted 192 times, Tom.
179
00:06:54,923 --> 00:06:56,659
- You counted?
- Of course.
180
00:06:56,752 --> 00:07:00,496
It was the most traumatic
car ride I've ever experienced.
181
00:07:00,594 --> 00:07:02,498
- Tom, this sounds serious.
182
00:07:02,597 --> 00:07:04,000
We need to call a doctor.
183
00:07:04,099 --> 00:07:06,402
- No, no, no, let's not
get doctors involved.
184
00:07:06,501 --> 00:07:08,237
- Of course we're getting
doctors involved.
185
00:07:08,336 --> 00:07:09,805
What kind of mom are you?
186
00:07:09,905 --> 00:07:11,908
If this is serious,
Tom could die.
187
00:07:12,007 --> 00:07:13,709
- What?
- No, you don't die
188
00:07:13,808 --> 00:07:14,911
from farting.
- You could.
189
00:07:15,009 --> 00:07:16,545
- Please stop.
Oh, my God.
190
00:07:16,644 --> 00:07:18,982
- Tom, stay put.
Kids, come with me.
191
00:07:19,081 --> 00:07:20,516
We're getting the stretcher.
- No.
192
00:07:20,615 --> 00:07:21,951
- I'm on it.
- No, let's all relax.
193
00:07:22,050 --> 00:07:23,486
- Hang in there, Tom.
- All right, this is
194
00:07:23,584 --> 00:07:24,753
out of control.
We got to say something.
195
00:07:24,853 --> 00:07:26,522
- Tom, just play along.
196
00:07:26,621 --> 00:07:28,691
We can't tell anyone the truth.
197
00:07:28,789 --> 00:07:30,293
- We have to.
They're calling a doctor.
198
00:07:30,391 --> 00:07:32,595
- I cannot be the mom
who bought a fart gun
199
00:07:32,693 --> 00:07:35,264
to get out of carpooling.
- That's who you are.
200
00:07:35,363 --> 00:07:37,366
- I'm a good mom
and you know it.
201
00:07:37,460 --> 00:07:39,635
Now, sit here
and pretend you're dying
202
00:07:39,728 --> 00:07:42,238
while I go and bury
the fart machine by the river.
203
00:07:45,373 --> 00:07:47,410
- Good moms don't bury
fart machines by rivers.
204
00:07:47,510 --> 00:07:49,212
They just don't.
205
00:07:49,310 --> 00:07:50,746
- Tom, you're gonna be okay.
206
00:07:50,844 --> 00:07:53,477
We flew in a specialist
from Bethesda, Maryland.
207
00:07:53,576 --> 00:07:54,951
- What? You just called in
a specialist.
208
00:07:55,050 --> 00:07:56,452
- Tom, we're not taking
any chances.
209
00:07:56,551 --> 00:07:57,653
- You didn't take
my temperature or...
210
00:07:57,752 --> 00:07:59,088
- No.
- You're not sounding
211
00:07:59,187 --> 00:08:01,690
very grateful, Tom.
- You didn't do anything.
212
00:08:01,790 --> 00:08:02,891
You didn't even ask me to cough.
213
00:08:02,991 --> 00:08:04,560
- Why would we ask you
to cough?
214
00:08:04,653 --> 00:08:06,262
It's coming out of your butt.
- Okay, everybody
215
00:08:06,360 --> 00:08:08,631
out of the way.
Tom, you have a very serious
216
00:08:08,730 --> 00:08:10,900
condition and we need
to run some tests stat.
217
00:08:10,999 --> 00:08:12,835
- Oh, I'm fine. Trust me.
I feel better.
218
00:08:12,933 --> 00:08:16,772
- Tom, you farted 192 times
within five minutes.
219
00:08:16,870 --> 00:08:18,975
You set a world record.
- That's the record?
220
00:08:19,073 --> 00:08:22,278
- Yes, you shattered it
and the guy who had it before,
221
00:08:22,377 --> 00:08:23,646
he's dead.
- He's dead?
222
00:08:23,744 --> 00:08:24,948
- They buried him.
- Oh, this is not...
223
00:08:25,047 --> 00:08:26,682
who is this guy?
There's no such thing
224
00:08:26,781 --> 00:08:29,152
as a farting doctor.
- I'm a gastroenterologist.
225
00:08:29,250 --> 00:08:30,514
I'm not a farting doctor.
226
00:08:30,618 --> 00:08:32,121
- Tom, he's trying
to save your life.
227
00:08:32,220 --> 00:08:34,490
Now, stop being difficult.
- Okay, where's Tom's mom?
228
00:08:34,588 --> 00:08:38,227
We need parental approval,
so we can prep Tom for surgery.
229
00:08:38,326 --> 00:08:40,063
Where's Tom's mom?
- Oh, you know what?
230
00:08:40,161 --> 00:08:41,730
I think she took off, actually.
- I'm sorry.
231
00:08:41,830 --> 00:08:43,599
She "took off"?
- Yeah.
232
00:08:43,697 --> 00:08:45,001
- What could she possibly
be doing
233
00:08:45,099 --> 00:08:46,869
that's more important
than this?
234
00:08:46,968 --> 00:08:49,805
- How did my freaking life
become this?
235
00:08:49,904 --> 00:08:52,175
- Ah, excuse me, ma'am.
What exactly are you doing?
236
00:08:52,273 --> 00:08:55,111
- Oh, nothing.
I'm just playing in the mud.
237
00:08:55,210 --> 00:08:57,013
- So you're just digging a hole
by the river?
238
00:08:57,112 --> 00:08:59,582
- Yeah.
Can't a mom dig a hole
239
00:08:59,680 --> 00:09:01,184
at night without being
interrogated?
240
00:09:01,282 --> 00:09:03,987
- Right. I'm gonna need to see
some identification.
241
00:09:04,085 --> 00:09:05,922
- I don't think I will.
Thank you though.
242
00:09:06,019 --> 00:09:08,357
- So you're refusing
to tell me who you are?
243
00:09:08,456 --> 00:09:09,825
- Don't be alarmed,
244
00:09:09,923 --> 00:09:11,928
uh, but I'm gonna start
swimming away right now.
245
00:09:15,029 --> 00:09:18,134
- I got a lady digging a hole
by the mud with a fart machine.
246
00:09:18,232 --> 00:09:19,802
She's in the water
swimming away, okay?
247
00:09:19,901 --> 00:09:21,837
I'm gonna need some backup.
248
00:09:21,935 --> 00:09:24,273
- Great news, guys.
I've got Tom's legal guardian
249
00:09:24,372 --> 00:09:26,142
on the line
and he greenlit the surgery.
250
00:09:26,241 --> 00:09:28,544
- Legal guardian. Who's that?
- Your uncle Bill.
251
00:09:28,643 --> 00:09:29,946
- Tommy.
- No.
252
00:09:30,045 --> 00:09:31,314
- You're gonna make it,
buddy, okay?
253
00:09:31,412 --> 00:09:33,082
I signed the release.
- Don't sign it.
254
00:09:33,181 --> 00:09:34,617
- Farting runs in the family,
Tommy.
255
00:09:34,715 --> 00:09:36,519
- Bill.
- I love you, Tommy.
256
00:09:36,617 --> 00:09:38,387
You will stop farting, Tommy.
257
00:09:38,486 --> 00:09:39,788
- Honestly, he doesn't count
as a grownup.
258
00:09:39,888 --> 00:09:41,324
- He sounds like a good guy.
259
00:09:41,422 --> 00:09:43,626
- We have verbal permission,
so this needs to happen.
260
00:09:43,725 --> 00:09:45,728
Let's sedate Tom
and get ready to operate.
261
00:09:45,826 --> 00:09:47,496
- Oh, no. Stop.
- Okay, everybody
262
00:09:47,595 --> 00:09:48,831
out of the way.
- Please, please.
263
00:09:48,930 --> 00:09:51,567
Hey, I have a confession.
- Yeah?
264
00:09:51,665 --> 00:09:52,902
- I'm fine.
We were using
265
00:09:53,001 --> 00:09:54,470
a fart machine the whole time.
266
00:09:54,569 --> 00:09:56,239
- Wait. A fart machine?
267
00:09:56,337 --> 00:09:58,807
- Device that makes farts.
- Oh, Tom.
268
00:09:58,907 --> 00:10:01,210
- Kind of a funny story.
- It's not funny.
269
00:10:01,309 --> 00:10:04,113
I walked out in
the middle of my son's baptism.
270
00:10:04,212 --> 00:10:05,881
- I'm sorry, it was
to get out of carpooling.
271
00:10:05,980 --> 00:10:07,716
I apologize.
- Don't apologize to me.
272
00:10:07,815 --> 00:10:09,685
Apologize to those
poor people outside.
273
00:10:09,784 --> 00:10:11,754
- Outside?
- Did you not know?
274
00:10:11,853 --> 00:10:13,522
There's a candlelight vigil
going on.
275
00:10:13,621 --> 00:10:14,757
- What?
- I told everyone
276
00:10:14,856 --> 00:10:17,660
you were dying.
- Oh, my God.
277
00:10:17,759 --> 00:10:21,197
- ? I just want to know ?
278
00:10:21,296 --> 00:10:25,534
? Will Tom be farting
in heaven? ?
279
00:10:25,633 --> 00:10:27,103
- Oh, man.
All right, you know what?
280
00:10:27,201 --> 00:10:28,604
I'll tell the truth.
I'll take full responsibility.
281
00:10:28,704 --> 00:10:30,039
- No.
- No?
282
00:10:30,138 --> 00:10:31,908
- No, that's the last thing
you're doing.
283
00:10:32,000 --> 00:10:34,010
This looks bad for all of us.
- I told everyone you were
284
00:10:34,108 --> 00:10:36,379
dying based on nothing
but farts.
285
00:10:36,477 --> 00:10:38,814
- I flew in a doctor from
Bethesda, Maryland, Tom.
286
00:10:38,913 --> 00:10:40,416
- Yeah, you shouldn't have--
- For nothing.
287
00:10:40,514 --> 00:10:41,985
- Shouldn't have called
Bethesda so quickly.
288
00:10:42,084 --> 00:10:43,252
- I was about
to open this kid up.
289
00:10:43,351 --> 00:10:45,121
I mean, I'm fucking
board certified.
290
00:10:45,220 --> 00:10:47,651
This looks bad for me.
- We all look like imbeciles.
291
00:10:47,750 --> 00:10:49,558
- So what can we do?
- Well, we're gonna
292
00:10:49,657 --> 00:10:51,460
tweak the facts of the story,
293
00:10:51,559 --> 00:10:54,964
so we all look like heroes.
294
00:10:55,062 --> 00:10:58,701
- Imbeciles to heroes,
that's a pretty big tweak, no?
295
00:10:58,800 --> 00:11:00,636
- ? I just want to know ?
296
00:11:00,736 --> 00:11:03,106
You know I do.
297
00:11:03,204 --> 00:11:04,807
? Will Tom be farting
in heav-- ?
298
00:11:04,907 --> 00:11:06,142
- Okay, everybody.
299
00:11:06,241 --> 00:11:09,712
I have an update.
Tom is going to be okay.
300
00:11:09,811 --> 00:11:11,547
[cheers and applause]
301
00:11:11,647 --> 00:11:14,250
- Yes! Yes!
302
00:11:14,348 --> 00:11:16,986
- Tom had a very, very serious
medical condition
303
00:11:17,085 --> 00:11:19,088
and we almost lost him,
quite frankly.
304
00:11:19,187 --> 00:11:20,789
- It was close.
It was touch and go.
305
00:11:20,888 --> 00:11:22,791
- But thanks to the fast
thinking of this staff,
306
00:11:22,891 --> 00:11:24,060
we saved his life.
307
00:11:24,158 --> 00:11:25,594
- The nurse thought
on her feet.
308
00:11:25,693 --> 00:11:27,296
The principal
was very decisive.
309
00:11:27,395 --> 00:11:29,933
- And his mom is currently
being prepped for surgery,
310
00:11:30,032 --> 00:11:32,468
so she can donate her spleen.
311
00:11:32,568 --> 00:11:33,697
- Spleen?
312
00:11:33,802 --> 00:11:35,271
- Talk about love, everybody.
313
00:11:35,369 --> 00:11:37,640
Now go home
and get some sleep.
314
00:11:37,738 --> 00:11:39,275
[phone chimes]
- Wait, I just got
315
00:11:39,373 --> 00:11:41,544
a Google alert.
Tom's mom isn't in surgery.
316
00:11:41,642 --> 00:11:42,912
- Oh, no, she is.
- No, she's not.
317
00:11:43,011 --> 00:11:44,914
She just got busted
down by the river
318
00:11:45,013 --> 00:11:47,850
trying to bury a fart machine.
- Oh, no.
319
00:11:47,943 --> 00:11:50,219
- An unidentified woman
is leading park rangers
320
00:11:50,318 --> 00:11:51,955
on a late night chase
after trying
321
00:11:52,052 --> 00:11:54,190
to bury a fart machine
by the river.
322
00:11:54,289 --> 00:11:56,792
All this just to
get out of carpooling.
323
00:11:56,891 --> 00:12:00,363
Unfortunately, folks, this is
what society has come to.
324
00:12:00,461 --> 00:12:02,831
- I mean, they did say
"unidentified woman."
325
00:12:02,931 --> 00:12:04,133
That could literally be anyone.
326
00:12:04,232 --> 00:12:06,269
- Yeah, that's a swing
and a miss, bud.
327
00:12:06,367 --> 00:12:08,604
- So wait.
This whole thing was a lie?
328
00:12:08,703 --> 00:12:10,273
- Hey, guys, let's at least
329
00:12:10,371 --> 00:12:12,208
take something good
away from this.
330
00:12:12,307 --> 00:12:13,709
- What?
- Look around.
331
00:12:13,809 --> 00:12:16,913
Look around at all the people
332
00:12:17,011 --> 00:12:20,349
and at the outpouring of love
directed at me.
333
00:12:20,449 --> 00:12:21,985
That's beautiful.
334
00:12:22,083 --> 00:12:23,552
- Tom.
- Yeah?
335
00:12:23,651 --> 00:12:27,723
- I think I speak for the entire
group when I say...
336
00:12:27,823 --> 00:12:29,058
[farts]
337
00:12:29,157 --> 00:12:30,726
And yes, I can fart on command.
338
00:12:30,826 --> 00:12:32,695
My dad raised me right.
339
00:12:32,795 --> 00:12:35,698
[upbeat music]
340
00:12:35,797 --> 00:12:37,500
? ?
341
00:12:38,333 --> 00:12:40,569
- Come on, you stupid
son of a bitch.
342
00:12:40,669 --> 00:12:42,505
Razors don't cost 2.99.
343
00:12:42,604 --> 00:12:44,440
It's higher! Higher!
344
00:12:44,539 --> 00:12:46,842
- What's going on up there?
- Oh, yeah.
345
00:12:46,941 --> 00:12:48,677
I love "The Price is Right."
346
00:12:48,777 --> 00:12:49,979
[moans]
347
00:12:50,078 --> 00:12:54,083
"The Price is Right."
[moans]
348
00:12:54,182 --> 00:12:55,919
- What's Uncle Bill
doing up there?
349
00:12:56,017 --> 00:12:57,987
- [sighs]
He's whacking off to
350
00:12:58,085 --> 00:13:00,023
"The Price is Right," Tom.
- What does that mean?
351
00:13:00,121 --> 00:13:01,757
- He's watching
"The Price is Right,"
352
00:13:01,855 --> 00:13:03,592
he's getting a little
worked up.
353
00:13:03,691 --> 00:13:05,894
- I'm even more confused.
- I think we need to
354
00:13:05,993 --> 00:13:08,031
have a talk with Uncle Bill.
He's so loud.
355
00:13:08,129 --> 00:13:10,133
- He is loud.
- He's disgusting.
356
00:13:10,231 --> 00:13:12,268
- He is pretty gross.
- He doesn't pay rent.
357
00:13:12,367 --> 00:13:13,937
Why don't you go up there
and talk to him?
358
00:13:14,034 --> 00:13:15,604
- Me? What would I say?
- That you want him
359
00:13:15,704 --> 00:13:17,140
to find a job.
- No.
360
00:13:17,238 --> 00:13:19,708
- And you want him to
start pitching in for rent
361
00:13:19,802 --> 00:13:20,977
and utilities
and all that stuff.
362
00:13:21,075 --> 00:13:22,311
- That sounds like
grownup stuff.
363
00:13:22,410 --> 00:13:23,913
- Tom, you're
the man of the house now.
364
00:13:24,012 --> 00:13:25,248
- Come on. I'm a little kid.
Look at me.
365
00:13:25,346 --> 00:13:27,016
I'm eating Count Chocula.
- Guess what?
366
00:13:27,114 --> 00:13:29,185
We're not buying Count Chocula
anymore after today.
367
00:13:29,284 --> 00:13:32,388
From now on you get Kashi
organic, unsweetened
368
00:13:32,487 --> 00:13:34,190
bran flakes.
- That's what men eat?
369
00:13:34,289 --> 00:13:36,993
- That's what men eat, Tom.
- All right, I guess if
370
00:13:37,091 --> 00:13:38,561
I'm a man,
I guess I gotta go do it.
371
00:13:38,659 --> 00:13:40,296
- Thanks, buddy.
You're growing up so fast.
372
00:13:40,395 --> 00:13:42,165
I love you.
- And, oh, real quick.
373
00:13:42,262 --> 00:13:44,567
What does whacking off mean?
Just in case he's doing it.
374
00:13:44,667 --> 00:13:45,801
- [sighs]
375
00:13:45,901 --> 00:13:47,136
- I'll just close my eyes.
376
00:13:47,235 --> 00:13:48,871
Uncle Bill, I'm coming up.
377
00:13:48,970 --> 00:13:50,439
If you're doing anything weird
just stop.
378
00:13:50,538 --> 00:13:52,275
- No, no. I'm not doing
anything weird.
379
00:13:52,373 --> 00:13:54,810
Just shaving my rear end.
- Oh, okay. That's not too bad.
380
00:13:54,910 --> 00:13:56,512
Listen, can we talk man-to-man?
381
00:13:56,611 --> 00:13:58,047
- Tommy, my door's always open
for you.
382
00:13:58,146 --> 00:13:59,248
You know that. Talk to me.
383
00:13:59,347 --> 00:14:00,917
- As the man of the house,
384
00:14:01,009 --> 00:14:02,485
I need you to get out there
and find a job.
385
00:14:02,583 --> 00:14:05,421
- Oh, Tommy, I've tried.
Nobody's hiring, man.
386
00:14:05,519 --> 00:14:07,656
- Nobody's hiring?
- I called the Phillies,
387
00:14:07,756 --> 00:14:08,958
the Orioles, the Mets.
388
00:14:09,057 --> 00:14:10,393
No one needs a ball boy
right now.
389
00:14:10,491 --> 00:14:12,095
- Wait.
- And I'm not working
390
00:14:12,194 --> 00:14:14,130
for the Yankees, no matter
how funny their name is.
391
00:14:14,222 --> 00:14:16,799
- This whole time you've only
applied for ball boy jobs?
392
00:14:16,899 --> 00:14:18,267
- That's all I know
how to do, Tommy.
393
00:14:18,366 --> 00:14:20,269
- Picking up foul balls
is your only skill?
394
00:14:20,368 --> 00:14:22,771
- Yeah, and until one of those
teams needs a ball boy,
395
00:14:22,871 --> 00:14:24,107
I'm staying right here
396
00:14:24,205 --> 00:14:25,574
in the attic with you, huh?
[laughs]
397
00:14:25,673 --> 00:14:27,210
- I think you need to expand
your job search.
398
00:14:27,308 --> 00:14:28,744
Listen, why don't we go to
Nelson's house?
399
00:14:28,843 --> 00:14:31,047
He has a computer.
We can work on your resume.
400
00:14:31,145 --> 00:14:32,348
- Hey, that's a good idea.
I like that.
401
00:14:32,446 --> 00:14:34,183
- Great.
Now, we're making progress.
402
00:14:34,282 --> 00:14:35,418
- Hey, listen, before we go.
Can you just
403
00:14:35,516 --> 00:14:36,920
touch up the back
of my ass here?
404
00:14:37,019 --> 00:14:38,354
It's really hard to reach
back there.
405
00:14:38,454 --> 00:14:39,455
- Sure.
406
00:14:42,389 --> 00:14:44,860
Oh, thanks for helping, Nelson.
You remember Uncle Bill, right?
407
00:14:44,959 --> 00:14:46,729
- Of course.
What's up, Uncle B?
408
00:14:46,828 --> 00:14:48,564
- Hey, hey, hey.
- Yacht boys.
409
00:14:48,663 --> 00:14:51,034
- Yacht boys for life.
- Uh, Bill really needs
410
00:14:51,132 --> 00:14:53,269
to find work, so we need
help with the resume.
411
00:14:53,368 --> 00:14:55,304
- Man, anything for Uncle Bill.
Got a template here
412
00:14:55,403 --> 00:14:56,973
just for resumes.
- Oh, wow.
413
00:14:57,066 --> 00:14:58,341
- Come on, Uncle Bill.
Give me the objective.
414
00:14:58,439 --> 00:15:00,843
- Uh, picking up foul balls.
415
00:15:00,942 --> 00:15:02,311
- That's the goal in life.
416
00:15:02,410 --> 00:15:04,113
- That's my objective.
- Doesn't sound great.
417
00:15:04,207 --> 00:15:07,016
- Okay, okay, okay, can you list
all your previous jobs?
418
00:15:07,115 --> 00:15:09,552
- Uh, ball boy
and junior ball boy.
419
00:15:09,650 --> 00:15:11,820
- Don't put that down.
- Man, you making it hard.
420
00:15:11,915 --> 00:15:13,918
Okay, okay, okay.
Have you won any awards?
421
00:15:14,022 --> 00:15:16,092
- I've gotten two awards.
- Whoa, okay.
422
00:15:16,191 --> 00:15:18,494
- One, oldest ball boy.
- Mm-hmm.
423
00:15:18,592 --> 00:15:22,899
- And two, fattest ball boy.
- Come on, Uncle Bill!
424
00:15:22,998 --> 00:15:24,100
- Can you work with that,
Nelson?
425
00:15:24,198 --> 00:15:25,601
- Man, this is beyond me.
426
00:15:25,700 --> 00:15:27,403
Think I'm gonna have to
pull out the big guns.
427
00:15:27,501 --> 00:15:29,238
- The big guns?
- The big guns.
428
00:15:29,337 --> 00:15:31,607
To the Bat Cave.
Follow me.
429
00:15:32,741 --> 00:15:34,510
Papacito!
- Oh, hey.
430
00:15:34,609 --> 00:15:36,079
- You remember Tom.
This is Uncle Bill.
431
00:15:36,177 --> 00:15:37,380
This is Tom's uncle.
- Hey.
432
00:15:37,479 --> 00:15:38,915
Nelson's dad.
That's a weird name.
433
00:15:39,014 --> 00:15:40,216
- Say what now?
- He needs a little help
434
00:15:40,315 --> 00:15:41,550
with his resume.
Do you think you could
435
00:15:41,649 --> 00:15:43,086
take a look?
- Oh, sure. No problem.
436
00:15:43,184 --> 00:15:44,720
Come on in.
- Oh, thank you.
437
00:15:44,819 --> 00:15:47,190
- We gonna leave him down here.
Bill, don't embarrass
438
00:15:47,289 --> 00:15:49,158
your nephew, please.
- Thanks, Nelson.
439
00:15:49,257 --> 00:15:51,627
- Let's do this.
Oh, my. [chuckles]
440
00:15:51,726 --> 00:15:53,729
I think you're being
a little too honest here.
441
00:15:53,828 --> 00:15:55,331
- No one's ever accused me
of that before.
442
00:15:55,430 --> 00:15:57,100
- The secret is to, uh,
pad your resume.
443
00:15:57,198 --> 00:15:58,634
- Pad my...like,
padding my crotch?
444
00:15:58,733 --> 00:16:00,436
What are you talking about?
What does that mean?
445
00:16:00,535 --> 00:16:03,272
- That means you tell the truth,
but in a flattering way.
446
00:16:03,371 --> 00:16:06,042
- Oh.
- I didn't go to Harvard, okay?
447
00:16:06,140 --> 00:16:07,643
- Oh.
- But I did attend a few
448
00:16:07,742 --> 00:16:11,647
frat parties there, so in a way
I did attend the school.
449
00:16:11,745 --> 00:16:13,549
- I guess I went to Harvard,
too, then, huh?
450
00:16:13,648 --> 00:16:16,019
- And don't say
you're a ball boy, okay?
451
00:16:16,118 --> 00:16:17,420
Put down you help build
452
00:16:17,518 --> 00:16:19,322
the organization
from the ground up.
453
00:16:19,421 --> 00:16:21,324
- The balls are on the ground,
I pick them up.
454
00:16:21,423 --> 00:16:23,259
- Mm-hmm.
- I built it from ground up.
455
00:16:23,358 --> 00:16:25,929
- Hobbies.
- I like to pretend I'm gonna
456
00:16:26,027 --> 00:16:27,430
board a bus,
but then fart
457
00:16:27,528 --> 00:16:29,498
and run away and cry.
- Say that again.
458
00:16:29,597 --> 00:16:32,201
- Uh, I like to whack off
in the park. Does that count?
459
00:16:32,300 --> 00:16:34,370
- Okay, just put down
avid outdoorsman.
460
00:16:34,469 --> 00:16:35,738
Tell them you work at Dick's.
461
00:16:35,838 --> 00:16:37,001
- This is great.
462
00:16:37,105 --> 00:16:38,942
I never knew
I was so successful.
463
00:16:39,040 --> 00:16:41,410
[school bell rings]
464
00:16:41,509 --> 00:16:44,180
- Okay, gang,
today we are playing kickball,
465
00:16:44,278 --> 00:16:46,482
so I need you to split up
into two teams.
466
00:16:46,581 --> 00:16:48,784
- Hey, kids, I have
an exciting announcement.
467
00:16:48,882 --> 00:16:51,754
We have hired a new
Director of Athletics.
468
00:16:51,853 --> 00:16:54,157
He's worked with
the Red Sox organization.
469
00:16:54,255 --> 00:16:55,925
- Wait. What?
- He's an avid outdoorsman
470
00:16:56,023 --> 00:16:58,094
and he was briefly
the captain of a ship.
471
00:16:58,193 --> 00:16:59,728
- Oh, no.
- If you see him
472
00:16:59,827 --> 00:17:02,966
around the school, please
say hi to Uncle William.
473
00:17:03,064 --> 00:17:06,469
- Hey, what's going on,
you goofy-looking bastards?
474
00:17:06,563 --> 00:17:07,870
- Wait, what? No.
475
00:17:07,969 --> 00:17:09,238
- Told you my dad was good.
476
00:17:09,337 --> 00:17:10,673
- Hey, listen, Coach,
there's gonna be
477
00:17:10,771 --> 00:17:13,242
some changes around here.
Give me 20 pushups.
478
00:17:13,341 --> 00:17:15,078
- [chuckles]
What? This is my gym.
479
00:17:15,176 --> 00:17:16,712
- We can't have
an overweight gym teacher
480
00:17:16,811 --> 00:17:18,581
and overweight
Director of Athletics.
481
00:17:18,679 --> 00:17:21,045
There's too much fat.
On the floor. Give me 20.
482
00:17:21,149 --> 00:17:23,086
- Okay.
- Right out of the gate.
483
00:17:23,183 --> 00:17:25,821
Hector, you've been traded to
another school in Cincinnati.
484
00:17:25,915 --> 00:17:27,423
- In Cincinnati?
- Wait, what?
485
00:17:27,522 --> 00:17:29,325
- Pack your shit and get out.
- You can't trade me.
486
00:17:29,423 --> 00:17:31,527
Do my parents--they need,
like, new jobs.
487
00:17:31,626 --> 00:17:33,057
- Not my problem.
Figure it out.
488
00:17:33,161 --> 00:17:34,630
- Okay. Bye, guys.
- Bye.
489
00:17:34,728 --> 00:17:36,332
- Have fun.
- Wait, what's this?
490
00:17:36,431 --> 00:17:38,101
Oh, no.
- And Tom, I need you to
491
00:17:38,194 --> 00:17:40,403
deflate all these kickballs.
- Deflate? No.
492
00:17:40,501 --> 00:17:42,105
Why would I do that?
- Because from now on,
493
00:17:42,203 --> 00:17:44,040
we're only playing
rich kid sports,
494
00:17:44,138 --> 00:17:46,742
like squash and lacrosse
and rowing crew.
495
00:17:46,840 --> 00:17:49,012
- What?
Kickball's our favorite sport.
496
00:17:49,110 --> 00:17:50,313
- Hey there, Mrs. Smarty Pants.
497
00:17:50,411 --> 00:17:52,181
Who went to Harvard?
Me.
498
00:17:52,280 --> 00:17:54,383
Now, deflate these balls, Tom.
- All right.
499
00:17:54,482 --> 00:17:55,884
- Wait, wait, wait, wait.
- No.
500
00:17:55,984 --> 00:17:57,386
- Oh, no.
- Excuse me.
501
00:17:57,485 --> 00:17:58,854
- Please stop.
- Tom, what you doing?
502
00:17:58,948 --> 00:18:00,123
- Stop that, Tom.
- I'm sorry.
503
00:18:00,221 --> 00:18:01,724
I know this is unpleasant.
504
00:18:01,823 --> 00:18:04,227
He's the Director of Athletics.
I've got no choice.
505
00:18:04,326 --> 00:18:05,528
- Get down! Give me...
- Tom.
506
00:18:05,627 --> 00:18:06,795
- What's wrong?
- You need to talk
507
00:18:06,895 --> 00:18:08,331
to your uncle.
- Why?
508
00:18:08,429 --> 00:18:09,966
- He's drunk on power.
He's acting like a maniac.
509
00:18:10,064 --> 00:18:11,600
- Give him a chance.
Maybe he's good at the job.
510
00:18:11,699 --> 00:18:13,269
I mean...
- Tom, he's terrible.
511
00:18:13,367 --> 00:18:15,704
- He's wearing a suit.
- Tom, he is terrible.
512
00:18:15,803 --> 00:18:17,373
- What do you mean, because
he's making everyone do pushups
513
00:18:17,471 --> 00:18:19,909
and deflating things and...
- He's erratic.
514
00:18:20,008 --> 00:18:21,444
- Eh.
- Eh?
515
00:18:21,542 --> 00:18:24,108
- Now, deflate these balls
and burn them.
516
00:18:24,212 --> 00:18:25,681
Burn them!
- I think you're right.
517
00:18:25,780 --> 00:18:27,583
Let me have a chat with him.
- Come on.
518
00:18:27,682 --> 00:18:29,585
[knock on door]
- Bill?
519
00:18:29,683 --> 00:18:31,787
You doing anything weird?
- Tommy!
520
00:18:31,887 --> 00:18:33,256
[laughs]
- Hey.
521
00:18:33,354 --> 00:18:35,724
- Ah, man, thanks again
for encouraging me.
522
00:18:35,823 --> 00:18:37,826
This job is going great.
- Is it, though?
523
00:18:37,925 --> 00:18:39,996
I feel like you're not
qualified at all.
524
00:18:40,094 --> 00:18:43,032
- Tom, for the first time in
my life, I'm getting respect.
525
00:18:43,131 --> 00:18:45,868
- But, Bill, it's a lie.
- Tom, Tom, Tom.
526
00:18:45,967 --> 00:18:47,270
- Yeah?
- Sit on my lap.
527
00:18:47,369 --> 00:18:49,105
- All right.
- Let me tell you something.
528
00:18:49,204 --> 00:18:52,741
- Okay.
- Most people in this world
529
00:18:52,841 --> 00:18:54,210
are fucking stupid
530
00:18:54,308 --> 00:18:56,412
and they're awful at their jobs.
531
00:18:56,510 --> 00:18:57,981
- Really?
- That's the secret
532
00:18:58,074 --> 00:18:59,648
of the world.
None of us know
533
00:18:59,747 --> 00:19:01,417
what we're doing.
- No one knows
534
00:19:01,515 --> 00:19:02,518
what they're doing?
- Yes.
535
00:19:02,617 --> 00:19:04,220
It's called imposter syndrome.
536
00:19:04,319 --> 00:19:05,721
- Yeah, but you're literally
an imposter.
537
00:19:05,819 --> 00:19:07,456
There's no syndrome here.
It's just flat out...
538
00:19:07,555 --> 00:19:09,825
- Those are just words, Tom.
We got to take advantage
539
00:19:09,924 --> 00:19:11,394
of this while we can.
- Take advantage?
540
00:19:11,493 --> 00:19:12,461
What do you mean
take advantage?
541
00:19:12,560 --> 00:19:14,063
- As Director of Athletics,
542
00:19:14,162 --> 00:19:15,631
my word is gold.
543
00:19:15,730 --> 00:19:19,035
Now, look at this.
I got you a scholarship, huh?
544
00:19:19,128 --> 00:19:20,669
- Wait, what's this?
For rowing crew.
545
00:19:20,768 --> 00:19:22,438
- Yeah.
- I don't row things. What?
546
00:19:22,537 --> 00:19:23,839
- It doesn't matter, okay?
547
00:19:23,939 --> 00:19:26,142
This prep school
wants to talk to you.
548
00:19:26,235 --> 00:19:28,011
- But, Bill, I don't know
what I'm doing.
549
00:19:28,108 --> 00:19:30,579
I don't know how to do it.
- You don't got to row.
550
00:19:30,678 --> 00:19:32,315
Throw some words
into your vocabulary.
551
00:19:32,413 --> 00:19:34,317
Big words, you know,
like, uh, humidity
552
00:19:34,415 --> 00:19:37,921
or, uh, humidifier
or, uh, soup.
553
00:19:38,018 --> 00:19:39,888
- Bill, you know soup is
not a big word, right?
554
00:19:39,987 --> 00:19:42,291
It's four letters.
- Those are just words, Tommy.
555
00:19:42,390 --> 00:19:44,188
I don't even understand them.
556
00:19:44,292 --> 00:19:45,861
- Wait. Who the hell
is this kid?
557
00:19:45,961 --> 00:19:47,063
- Uh, Hector.
558
00:19:47,161 --> 00:19:48,764
I got traded to this school
559
00:19:48,863 --> 00:19:50,934
by the Director of Athletics
at my old school.
560
00:19:51,032 --> 00:19:52,868
- They can do that?
- Honestly, I don't know.
561
00:19:52,966 --> 00:19:55,704
I didn't really look into it.
I just--I'm here.
562
00:19:55,803 --> 00:19:58,674
Let's just play some ball, okay?
I've been traded.
563
00:19:59,574 --> 00:20:02,206
- Okay, Tom, I wrote down
some big words for you.
564
00:20:02,310 --> 00:20:03,646
Just sprinkle them in
here and there.
565
00:20:03,745 --> 00:20:05,915
- Great, Mom,
this is a big help.
566
00:20:06,014 --> 00:20:07,316
- Ah, Tom.
- Oh, hey.
567
00:20:07,415 --> 00:20:08,584
- You came highly recommended
568
00:20:08,682 --> 00:20:10,019
from your Director
of Athletics.
569
00:20:10,118 --> 00:20:12,788
Sounds like you're quite
the athlete and academic.
570
00:20:12,886 --> 00:20:16,325
- Yeah, you know, I like to
balance my athletic prowess
571
00:20:16,424 --> 00:20:19,362
with my kind of
gubernatorial skills.
572
00:20:19,460 --> 00:20:21,130
- What does that mean?
Are you the governor?
573
00:20:21,228 --> 00:20:24,968
- Oh, no. Gubernatorial is just
another word for, you know,
574
00:20:25,067 --> 00:20:26,802
subsequent.
- Is it?
575
00:20:26,901 --> 00:20:29,405
- Listen,
Tom is clearly very smart.
576
00:20:29,504 --> 00:20:31,574
- Yeah, I'm very smart.
- If you don't understand
577
00:20:31,672 --> 00:20:33,376
what he's saying,
we'll talk to other schools.
578
00:20:33,474 --> 00:20:34,810
- No, no, no. Please stay.
579
00:20:34,909 --> 00:20:36,779
We really like Tom
for our rowing program.
580
00:20:36,878 --> 00:20:38,614
He sounds quite talented
for his age.
581
00:20:38,713 --> 00:20:41,245
- Yeah, I mean, you know,
being a rowing coxswain is
582
00:20:41,349 --> 00:20:43,552
just my passion.
- Being a what?
583
00:20:43,652 --> 00:20:44,988
- A rowing coxswain.
584
00:20:45,086 --> 00:20:48,024
- It's pronounced "cox-en,"
not "cock-swing."
585
00:20:48,122 --> 00:20:50,159
- The way I do it is
a very bold style of rowing,
586
00:20:50,258 --> 00:20:51,727
so I think it's appropriate.
587
00:20:51,826 --> 00:20:54,663
- Well, fantastic.
And at Tom's age, no money can
588
00:20:54,762 --> 00:20:57,000
exchange hands, but we can hold
a spot for him in our program.
589
00:20:57,097 --> 00:20:59,502
- This is amazing.
- I'm going to a prep school.
590
00:20:59,601 --> 00:21:01,470
- You will not regret it.
- All we need is
591
00:21:01,569 --> 00:21:03,372
documentation of Tom in action.
592
00:21:03,472 --> 00:21:04,807
- Documentation?
593
00:21:04,905 --> 00:21:06,910
- Yeah, on the water with
your junior rowing crew.
594
00:21:07,007 --> 00:21:09,445
- Oh, I don't think
we've ever taken any pictures.
595
00:21:09,543 --> 00:21:11,047
- Yeah, we don't--
we don't play with that.
596
00:21:11,144 --> 00:21:12,916
- You've never taken a picture
of your son rowing?
597
00:21:13,013 --> 00:21:14,984
- No, we took a few pictures
when I was a baby
598
00:21:15,082 --> 00:21:17,053
and then that was about it.
- How old are you now?
599
00:21:17,152 --> 00:21:18,321
- I'm ten.
- You know what?
600
00:21:18,419 --> 00:21:19,923
Let's just consider this
a done deal.
601
00:21:20,021 --> 00:21:22,491
- I mean, it'll be a done deal
once we see the pictures.
602
00:21:22,590 --> 00:21:23,592
- I'm sure we've taken
some pictures.
603
00:21:23,691 --> 00:21:24,994
We'll send some pictures over.
604
00:21:25,088 --> 00:21:26,362
- That'd be great.
- Great.
605
00:21:26,461 --> 00:21:27,997
It's really a smooth meeting.
606
00:21:28,096 --> 00:21:29,465
This was really smooth.
607
00:21:29,563 --> 00:21:31,800
- Oh, Hector's mom, shut up!
608
00:21:31,899 --> 00:21:34,203
[door closes]
Yes, I traded your son to
609
00:21:34,302 --> 00:21:35,638
another school in Cincinnati.
610
00:21:35,736 --> 00:21:37,806
I'm the Director of Athletics.
Get over it.
611
00:21:37,906 --> 00:21:40,176
Hey, Tommy.
- Hey, Bill.
612
00:21:40,274 --> 00:21:43,346
Listen, thanks for trying,
but, um, they called my bluff.
613
00:21:43,444 --> 00:21:45,748
They want proof of me rowing.
- I know.
614
00:21:45,846 --> 00:21:47,716
I'm one step ahead of you.
- You're one step ahead of me?
615
00:21:47,815 --> 00:21:50,920
- I had my assistant do some
minor retouching in Photoshop.
616
00:21:51,018 --> 00:21:53,222
- Wait. Who's this guy?
- Here you go, boss.
617
00:21:53,321 --> 00:21:54,590
How's this?
- Oh, no.
618
00:21:54,690 --> 00:21:56,725
- [laughs]
- Bill.
619
00:21:56,825 --> 00:21:58,361
That's not minor retouching.
620
00:21:58,454 --> 00:22:00,263
- Rich people do this stuff
all the time.
621
00:22:00,361 --> 00:22:01,597
- I never rowed in Germany.
622
00:22:01,696 --> 00:22:03,466
Oprah never hoisted me
on her shoulders.
623
00:22:03,564 --> 00:22:05,468
- She will.
Just play along.
624
00:22:05,566 --> 00:22:08,905
One little lie
and your future is all set.
625
00:22:09,004 --> 00:22:10,573
Do it for your mom.
626
00:22:10,672 --> 00:22:11,707
- I mean, it is tempting.
627
00:22:11,806 --> 00:22:12,976
I would feel better though,
628
00:22:13,074 --> 00:22:14,777
if I was actually
good at the sport,
629
00:22:14,876 --> 00:22:16,913
so it's not a total lie.
- Oh, that's not possible, Tom.
630
00:22:17,010 --> 00:22:18,581
You stink at everything you do.
- No, I go--
631
00:22:18,679 --> 00:22:20,449
- A bogus scholarship's
your only way, Tom.
632
00:22:20,548 --> 00:22:22,418
- No, I refuse to accept
what you're saying.
633
00:22:22,517 --> 00:22:24,453
You know what?
I'm gonna show everyone.
634
00:22:24,552 --> 00:22:28,124
I'm gonna wake up early.
I'm gonna practice.
635
00:22:28,223 --> 00:22:30,193
I'm gonna become intelligent.
636
00:22:30,291 --> 00:22:32,328
And that way,
when I do get the scholarship,
637
00:22:32,427 --> 00:22:34,430
I can look myself in the mirror
638
00:22:34,529 --> 00:22:37,400
and say, "You did it, kiddo."
639
00:22:37,498 --> 00:22:38,767
- I'm proud of you, Tom.
640
00:22:38,866 --> 00:22:40,269
You're gonna be the most
successful person
641
00:22:40,363 --> 00:22:41,470
in this whole family.
- Thank you.
642
00:22:41,569 --> 00:22:43,039
That means a lot.
- Not really.
643
00:22:43,138 --> 00:22:46,575
You come from a long line
of deadbeats and losers.
644
00:22:46,674 --> 00:22:48,677
- Son, welcome to the world
of rowing crew.
645
00:22:48,776 --> 00:22:50,679
- Here we are.
- You're entering a legacy
646
00:22:50,779 --> 00:22:52,548
of sportsmanship.
- Oh, wow.
647
00:22:52,646 --> 00:22:54,583
- You're one of the boys
in the boat.
648
00:22:54,682 --> 00:22:56,552
- I love that.
- You know that story, right?
649
00:22:56,651 --> 00:22:59,122
- No, not really.
- They looked at the Nazis
650
00:22:59,221 --> 00:23:01,590
face-to-face, nose-to-nose
and they said,
651
00:23:01,684 --> 00:23:04,427
"Hey, Hitler, I'll show you."
- I've got goosebumps.
652
00:23:04,525 --> 00:23:05,962
- And well you should.
Tell you what.
653
00:23:06,060 --> 00:23:07,596
Let's just shove off
and get started.
654
00:23:07,695 --> 00:23:10,866
What do you say?
- Let's do it.
655
00:23:10,966 --> 00:23:12,601
- You're doing
absolutely great.
656
00:23:12,701 --> 00:23:14,637
Just keep on rowing.
657
00:23:14,735 --> 00:23:17,773
Now, pull the oars in.
Very good.
658
00:23:17,872 --> 00:23:21,344
Push the oars away.
You know what that's called?
659
00:23:21,442 --> 00:23:23,579
- What?
- That's called rowing.
660
00:23:23,678 --> 00:23:26,049
- Um, when do the actual
lessons begin?
661
00:23:26,147 --> 00:23:28,651
You haven't really said much
except row the boat.
662
00:23:28,750 --> 00:23:30,886
- Just row.
- Yeah, but this can't be...
663
00:23:30,984 --> 00:23:34,157
- You row your boat
gently down the stream.
664
00:23:34,255 --> 00:23:36,125
- That's your advice?
- Well, you have to have
665
00:23:36,224 --> 00:23:38,627
a direction.
You can't just willy-nilly row.
666
00:23:38,726 --> 00:23:40,029
- Sir, can I ask you
a question?
667
00:23:40,128 --> 00:23:41,730
- Go ahead.
- Do you have any idea
668
00:23:41,829 --> 00:23:43,366
what you're doing?
- Course I do.
669
00:23:43,465 --> 00:23:44,733
- It doesn't seem like you do.
670
00:23:44,832 --> 00:23:46,635
- How much more
do you want from me?
671
00:23:46,734 --> 00:23:49,472
- Your ad clearly said
you're the number two rowing
672
00:23:49,571 --> 00:23:51,140
instructor in New Jersey.
- And I am.
673
00:23:51,239 --> 00:23:53,376
- You? You're the second best
rowing instructor?
674
00:23:53,474 --> 00:23:57,113
- No, I'm the number two rowing
instructor in New Jersey.
675
00:23:57,211 --> 00:23:59,415
- What does that mean?
- Means I--number two.
676
00:23:59,514 --> 00:24:01,150
I pooped in a boat once.
677
00:24:01,249 --> 00:24:03,286
- You pooped in a boat once?
- What's pooping?
678
00:24:03,384 --> 00:24:04,587
You tell me.
- Number two.
679
00:24:04,686 --> 00:24:06,055
- Number two. There it is.
680
00:24:06,154 --> 00:24:07,991
- This is crazy.
Does everyone just lie
681
00:24:08,088 --> 00:24:10,893
about their accomplishments?
- I'm very upfront about it.
682
00:24:10,991 --> 00:24:13,029
- I don't feel good about this.
Can we go back to the shore?
683
00:24:13,127 --> 00:24:15,031
- Can I tell you something?
I'm lost right now.
684
00:24:15,130 --> 00:24:17,300
- You're lost?
- I used to have a compass,
685
00:24:17,393 --> 00:24:18,534
but that broke.
- Oh, my God.
686
00:24:18,633 --> 00:24:19,936
This is not good.
This is not good.
687
00:24:20,035 --> 00:24:21,938
[fog horn blows]
What's that?
688
00:24:22,036 --> 00:24:23,706
- Oh, my God.
Look at the size of that thing.
689
00:24:23,804 --> 00:24:25,469
- What do I do?
- I'm getting out of here.
690
00:24:25,573 --> 00:24:27,043
I'm jumping.
- No. You can't leave
691
00:24:27,140 --> 00:24:30,413
a little kid alone on a boat.
- Good luck to you.
692
00:24:30,512 --> 00:24:32,181
- Oh, my God.
He's leaving.
693
00:24:32,280 --> 00:24:36,352
- Idiot, get your boat
out of the water.
694
00:24:36,450 --> 00:24:38,787
How dumb are you?
695
00:24:38,886 --> 00:24:42,158
- Oh, this is not gonna look
good on my resume at all.
696
00:24:42,256 --> 00:24:43,960
- Breaking news.
697
00:24:44,058 --> 00:24:47,330
It appears that a seemingly
unintelligent boy has stolen
698
00:24:47,428 --> 00:24:51,134
a boat and is veering it
into restricted waters.
699
00:24:51,232 --> 00:24:53,569
Oh, this kid's never
going to college, Bill.
700
00:24:53,667 --> 00:24:56,172
This will surely haunt him
forever.
701
00:24:58,472 --> 00:25:00,743
- ? Remember
there's more road ?
702
00:25:00,843 --> 00:25:02,478
? And places to go ?
703
00:25:02,577 --> 00:25:04,580
? Patterns to contemplate ?
704
00:25:04,679 --> 00:25:06,349
? More people to fornicate ?
705
00:25:06,448 --> 00:25:09,552
? And remember
there's a lot of good omens ?
706
00:25:09,651 --> 00:25:11,420
? Supplying the proof ?
707
00:25:11,519 --> 00:25:14,924
? That our life is
the best joke ever told ?
708
00:25:15,022 --> 00:25:19,195
? Remember it's a joke
and leave it alone ?
709
00:25:19,293 --> 00:25:23,066
? Let go and try to be
always abiding ?
710
00:25:23,163 --> 00:25:27,570
? Remember if there's
one good reason for dying ?
711
00:25:27,668 --> 00:25:29,505
? The sweet silver lining ?
712
00:25:29,604 --> 00:25:31,574
? Through you she lives on ?
713
00:25:31,672 --> 00:25:35,539
? And therein lies a truth
we can sip when we want ?
714
00:25:35,643 --> 00:25:40,183
? Disciples of the flow,
we can float anywhere ?
715
00:25:40,233 --> 00:25:44,783
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