All language subtitles for Ten Year Old Tom s02e06 Nelsons Hot Mom.enng

- Now as our poor
young lungs deflate

I'll admit
I've gotten older

Mellowed out, chatting up
those I used to hate

The feeling that
we're lost will always fade

I present no explanations

Can't expect
our tired patience

To satiate for long

Therein lies a truth
we can sip when we want

Disciples of the flow,
we can float anywhere

[upbeat music playing]

- Thanks for the ride,
Shanelle.

Okay, have fun at school, baby.
Be good.

- Okay, I will try. Ta-ta.

Errbody, what's up

- All right, see you later.

- Hey, you must be
Nelson's new mom.

- I am. Hi.
- I'm the gym teacher,

which explains why
my body is so ripped and buff.

- It is very ripped. Wow.

I like those shorts.

- Ah, I got these on sale.

- And I'm Brad.
I know I look young for my age

but I'm actually
Dakota's father.

- You are adorable.
- [chuckles]

Yeah, I--I take care of myself.

- Can I ask you a question

- Yeah.
- Okay.

- I have this
morning news show.

Be honest; is this too much
to wear on the air

- You look great.
- Yeah, it fits perfect.

- Oh, you don't think
my boob humps are too big

- No.
- Yeah, no.

- Thank you. Thank you so much.

That was really sweet of you--
- Well, hello, lovely lady.

I'm the bus driver.
- Honk, honk.

- I understand
you're a married woman,

but in this day and age,
who knows what that means

[horn honks]
- Move the goddamn bus.

And Brad, what the hell
are you doing

School started ten minutes ago.

- I have no idea
who that woman is.

[horns honking repeatedly]

- Where is the gym teacher

- Something must be wrong.

I'm pulling the fire alarm.

- Yes, pull it.

[fire alarm ringing]

- Hi, kids,
this is your principal.

There is no fire.

But I do need
all male teachers

to report to their classrooms.

I repeat, all male teachers,
report to your classrooms.

And, Tom, please come see me
right now.

- Hey, Principal,
what's going on

It's complete chaos in here.

- Please shut the door.
- Okay. What's up

- I have a real dilemma
on my hands.

It's about Nelson's hot mom.

- I'm sorry. It sounded like
you said "Nelson's hot mom"

- Yes.
- That's the problem

- Well, the problem is,
she's too hot,

and every time
she comes to visit,

the whole school comes to
a standstill.

- Can't imagine how this
relates to me in any way.

- Okay, here's the deal.
- Yeah

- I can't say anything.

You understand that, right,

as the principal
- Sure.

- So since you and Nelson are
so close,

I was just hoping that you
could just float it out there.

- Float what
- Just tastefully ask Nelson

to see if she can ease up on
the cleavage

when she's at the school.

- I'm gonna have to ask you
what "cleavage" means.

- Oh, my g--boobies.
- BoobiesOh, no, come on.

I'm not--
I'm not involved with this.

- You're already involved.

We've been talking
a full minute about this.

- It's been mindless drivel!

- Tom, I'm gonna be honest
with you;

I have diarrhea over this, so
just see what you can do, okay

- All right, I'll see
what I can do.

- And don't tell anyone
I put you up to this.

Pinky swear me.
- Pinky swear

- Yeah, that's right. Do it.

- That's not legally binding,
is it

- Yes, it is.

- What happens if
I break the swear

- You go to prison.

- That doesn't sound right
at all.

[beeping]

- Tom, you're not great at
video games.

- I'm not good.
- Your thumbs are too slow.

- Thumbs are slow,
eyes are slow, whole--

- You don't get this by now

- Not my world.

[slicing]
- Ah!

- Listen, on a completely
unrelated note,

I have something
I wanna discuss.

- Tom, we ten years old.
We don't discuss things.

- Listen, it's--it's about
your new mom.

- Oh.
- I was just hoping--

uh, how should I say this

You're familiar with bosoms,
right

- Bosoms
- That's not coming out right.

What's the word
I'm looking for

Cleavage

- Cleavage, Ohio
- This is really awkward.

- Hold on, hold on, hold on.
Mom!

- Oh, no.
- Dad! Get in here!

- No, this is guy talk.

- Hi.
- Hey.

- Is this the Tom I've been
hearing so much about

- This is Tom.
But, uh, sorry to bother you.

Forget I said anything.
- No, no, no. Say it, Tom.

- Speak your mind. There's no
secrets in this house.

- All right, if you insist.
Um, I was just wondering,

and this is just one--

one kid's opinion.
- Yeah.

- When you're on school
grounds...

- Mm-hmm.

- Is it possible to just

ease up on the amount of
knockers you're showing

- Knockers
- What

- Did you just ask me to
ease up on knockers

- I feel like
this is coming out wrong.

- Tom, what the hell has
gotten into you, son

- What do people say
these days, cans, jugs

- You need to stop, okay

- Ya--yabos
- Yabos

Nelson, are you friends
with this lunatic

- I mean, he usually
a pretty normal guy.

- I don't usually weigh in
on things like this.

- You're not supposed to.
You're supposed to be ten!

- I'm calling your mom
right now.

- No, don't call my mom.
- No, no, no, no.

I'll handle this myself.

I'm gonna discuss this
on the program!

[door slams]

- Your mom has a program

- Oh, you don't know about
the program

- We talk about this
and we talk about that

We talk about Jersey,
Jersey, yeah!

[applause]

- Good morning and welcome to
"Talkin' Jersey,"

where we give a fresh,
unfiltered take

on the topics that matter
to you.

- And my name's Ben.

- You don't have anything else
to add, Ben

- Just like to identify myself

at the beginning of the show.

- Anyway, something upsetting
happened

that I want to discuss.

This boy came into my home

to ask me if I could
"ease up on the knockers."

[audience gasps]

- What is happening
Kids are the worst.

- Can I get a closeup on
camera B

- Yeah, let's go close
on B, here.

- Girls, body positivity
is important.

No matter--
- I agree.

- No matter what
your body type,

you should feel empowered
and strong.

- Powered and strong.
- If there's a--

- That's--
that's what's important.

- Ben.
If there's a Tom in your life,

tell him to shut up.
- To shut his mouth.

- Ben--you are beautiful
just the way you are.

- Yeah, tell 'em Ben sent ya.

- Don't you dare say anything
about Ben.

- Now stick around
'cause after the break,

we're gonna be making some
blueberry pancakes. Yum.

- Ben, you're really bad
at this!

- I know. I don't know why
they hired me.

I'm dull, I'm visibly nervous,
I'm bad at banter.

- We talk about Jersey,
Jersey, yeah

[school bell rings]

- Hey, guys, have you tried
these zucchini sticks

They're delectable.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.

You can't sit
your zucchini stick here.

- You talking 'bout
This my spot.

- Oh, man, I hate to break it
to you, brother.

You've been cancelled.
- I've been what

- My mom talked about the
knockers thing on her TV show.

- Oh, no. Does anyone watch
that program

- Told you about the program,
you didn't look the program up

- I didn't watch it. No, I got
a whole routine in the morning.

I take a bath,
do my jumping jacks,

I drink some milk
and get goin'.

- Oh, I'm sorry to hear that,
man.

- This is upsetting.

So what does this mean
We can't have lunch together

- Oh, we can't do anything
together.

- Matter of fact, why don't you
step away from the table

I don't like the way
people looking at us.

- Nelson, you're abandoning me
After all these years

- All these--Tom, we've been
friends since we were nine.

Let's not overstate
the history here.

[plucky music]

- Hey, uh, do you guys mind
if I sit here

- We're gonna respectfully
decline.

- That's fair.

Listen, guys, I'm in the
market for a new table.

- Can't right now.
Sorry, table's full.

- It's fullThat whole half
I can't sit at

- No, that's--that's taken.

Someone's coming. That's taken.

- You guys wanna talk it over
first

- Oh, bye!

- Hey, any chance--
- Hard pass.

- Okay.

- What are you doingClose
your mouth while you're eating.

- Don't tell me what to do,
okay

- Hey, Randy.
- Hey.

- Hey, buddy. Listen,
I'm having a little trouble

finding a suitable table
to sit at.

- Uh-huh.
- Not getting a lot of

positive feedback,
and I was wondering,

if it's not too much trouble,

if I could squeeze in here
with you guys.

- Tom, you don't have to
grovel.

We take anyone in here.

We're like the Statue of
Liberty of lunch tables.

Give us your lame, your stupid,
your dumb.

- Oh, that's great. Thank you.
- Just sit down.

- Oh, wow,
the janitor sits here.

- Tom, this is America.
Last time I checked,

janitors can sit
wherever the F they want.

- No one's questioning it.
- And this is where I want.

- I just was surprised to
see you.

- Listen, Tom, I feel like
fate has brought us together,

you know that

- Weird small talk
What's happening

- I heard what happened to you.

- Yeah, I'm cancelled.
- I can relate.

I was once cancelled too.
- You

- Before this job, I was
the CEO of Outback Steakhouse.

- ReallyNo.
- He's Bob Reynolds.

He greenlit the Bloomin' Onion.
- That's right.

One day, I made an off-color
joke.

Next thing I know,
my career was over.

- How bad was the joke
- Not bad.

It was a harmless
boomerang penis thing.

- That sounds hysterical.

- Who could be hung up
about that

- Uh, let me tell you who:
Australians.

- They cancelled you
just for that

- Essentially, but only because
I let them cancel me.

- What does that mean
- Don't run and hide, Tom.

- Okay.
- You need to get out there

with your friends and project
an air of confidence.

- Oh.
- Like nothing happened.

- Well, the thing is,
I don't have any friends,

so how would I--

- Well, you got two friends,
huh

You're looking at 'em.
- One, two.

- One, twoRandy, come on.
- Would you stop

- Oh, this changes everything.

All right,
I don't know about you losers

but we're having fun over here.
- That's right!

- Nothing problematic
over here!

[80's rock music]

- Okay, Randy, take some pics
of us having fun. Go!

- Just having fun with my buds,
Randy and the janitor.

- Posting to all socials.

notlosers.

- lifekicksass!

- hangingoutwith
theexCEOofOutbackSteak--

is that too long for a hashtag

- Uh, I'm not allowed to say.
[camera clicks]

- Tommy, my friend,
what do you got there

What do you got in your cup

- Tom, what you got
in that cup

- Just got some ice cream with
some sprinkles and whatnot.

- sprinklebuds.
[camera clicks]

Okay, canoe boys!
- Yeah.

- Should we go for
an alliteration, like--

- Canoe kids.
- There we go. canoekids.

- Look at us.
- havingablastwithmyroofies.

- Yeah, roofies!

Having a blast.
- This is fun.

- Okay,
let's form a human pyramid

and stuff the pretzels
in our mouths.

- Love it.
- Now, Tom, you get on top

and you start singing "ain't
no party like a pretzel party,

'cause a pretzel party
don't stop."

- Good idea.
- I just thought of that.

- That's great. I'm having the
time of my life, I gotta say.

- Pardon me.
Can you snap a picture

of me and my friends partying
with pretzels in our mouths

- Oh, hell no.
- Eww.

- Tom, what are you doing
- Oh, hey, Nelson.

Eh, just partying with
my new friends.

- Man, get down.
We need to talk.

- Okay. Just party without me
for a minute, guys.

- Okay, yeah.

- Mom, Dad,
give us a second, please.

- Just keep a low profile.

We don't want to be seen
with this guy.

- What's up
- What are you doing

You look pathetic out there.
- Pathetic

No, we're making
a pyramid of winners.

- No, you not.
That's not a pyramid.

Look how big the janitor is
compared to Randy.

- You're saying I'm not coming
across well

- Look at them out there on
they knees right now, still.

- Get on top, Tom!
What's going on

- What the fuck is this

- Oh, no.
- Take it in.

- What have I done
I never should have listened to

the janitor, I never should
have let the principal

make me comment on
your mom's boobs--

- Wait, wait, wait,
woah, woah, woah, woah.

Go back.
- What

- You said the principal
put you up to this

- Yeah, I don't think of
stuff like that on my own.

- Tom, this changes everything!
- It does

- Yeah, we can
be friends again.

- Why
- It's not your fault.

- Oh.

- Why didn't you say something
sooner

- I did a pinky swear,
so I'm legally bound.

- A pinky swear is not
legally binding contract.

- Yeah, I didn't think
that sounded right.

- See, you helpless without me.

Listen, I'm gonna tell my mom
the truth

and we're gonna get you
un-cancelled.

- You're a good friend, Nelson.
Thank you.

- Tom, are we doing this

'Cause without you,
the pyramid is just

me and the janitor
kneeling on the floor.

- We talk about this
and we talk about that

We talk about Jersey,
Jersey, yeah

[applause]

- Folks, we have
an important show today.

- And my name's Ben.
- We nearly--what

- Sorry. Yeah, go on.

- We nearly destroyed
a young boy's reputation

when it turns out
he was innocent.

- Hi, thank you.
Thanks for having me.

- [chuckles]
Tom, thanks for joining us.

Now, Principal, tell us
what really happened here.

- Well, I asked a student
to gently suggest

that your clothes were
a distraction at school.

And it was wrong
and I'm very sorry.

- Yeah, you're leaving out
a little part, aren't ya

You said knockers, didn't you
- No, I did not say--

what
- You can admit it.

You said, "Tell Nelson's mom
to ease up on the knockers."

We all know what knockers are.

Knockers are tits.
[audience gasps]

- Ben!
- Sorry.

- I would never say that.
That's rude and offensive.

Tom must've made that part up.

- WhatTom!

- It was his idea though.
It was his general idea.

I was just the kid who--
- Yeah, but you said knockers.

- Why are we latching onto
the word knockers

- Because that's
the offensive part!

- I thought knockers
was a fun word,

like jugs or rack or cans or--

- Are you kidding, kid
- Good lord!

Can we cut this kid's mic

- Sorry for the confusion,
folks.

The cancellation is back on.

[audience booing]
- No, please.

You can't re-cancel someone.
- I think we can.

Why--why not
- I'm re-cancelled

just for saying cans, jugs,
knockers, and yabos

What kind of world are
we living in

- [sighs] There's only so much
I can do to help him.

- Jersey is the place that
we're talkin' about

Grab a cup of joe

[car horn honking]
- Hey, stop running.

Guys! I know it's
a three-day weekend,

but that doesn't mean you can
act like animals.

And, Hector, stop climbing
the flag pole!

- You're not the boss of me!
Ha-ha!

[horn honks]
- Principal!

Why is this line not moving
- Yeah, well--

- I'm meeting my friend,
Denise,

we're both getting colonics
together

and then we're gonna
have lunch,

- Why are you telling me this
- I can't be here.

- Please just try to be
patient.

Hey. Hey, don't do that!
There's kids around!

- Sorry.
[horn honks]

- Has everybody lost their mind
todayWhat is going on

[phone rings]
Hello

Well, why can't you come in

Uh, not today, okay

You just come in
with your diarrhea.

I don't care if it's coming out
of both ends.

Half the teachers called in
sick today.

You can shit all over the
school but I need you in here.

Fine, I'm hanging up.

Oh, hey, you! We need to talk.

- Wh--what's up

- Listen, it's a crazy morning.

I need you to teach history
class today.

- Oh, I--I'm not certified
to teach.

- Oh, I don't think you need
to be, as far as I know.

- I mean, I'm pretty sure
you do.

- No, no,
I'm positive you don't.

I just need a warm body.

Leave the bus running.
Go, go, go!

- Uh, okay, you're the boss.

[door opens]
Hi, kids.

I'm filling in for Mrs. Yuhas
today.

She has explosive diarrhea,
as I'm sure you all know.

And if you don't,
she wanted you to know.

- Um, are you qualified
to teach history

'Cause you're just
a bus driver.

- Yasmine, history is
a lot like a bus.

It just keeps on rollin'.

- Okay.

- Let's dive in. Where we at

- Oh, we're rehearsing
our presentations

on great Americans
for History Week.

Tom's up next.
- Oh, no. I'll go later.

I'm not a big public speaker.
I get visibly nervous.

- Tom, this is a safe space.
I'm sure you'll do great.

- All right,
I guess we're all friends here.

Um...

"Christopher Columbus was
a great man who--"

- Uh-uh, wrong.

- I didn't say anything yet.
- You were lying.

You said he was a great man,
and he was not.

Columbus was a murderer
and a scoundrel.

- Oh. I thought he sailed
the ocean blue.

- Well, he did.
But when he got to shore,

he raped and pillaged.
- Oh, no.

Textbook didn't say anything
about raping and--

- Yeah, well, the textbook,
it's full of lies, Tom.

- Oh.

- Kids, I'm not afraid to be
straight with you.

I'm like Michelle Pfeiffer in
"Dangerous Minds."

- That doesn't mean anything.

- Your homework
tonight is to go home,

burn your textbooks,
and ponder the fact that

you are the descendants
of savages.

- Dad, is there blood on
our hands because

our ancestors slaughtered
thousands of people

for this land
- Woah.

- Mom, is it true
Do we rape and pillage

Did we rape and pillage

- Dad, are we the descendants
of savages

- Uh, yes, but why are they
teaching you that in school

[school bell rings]

- Principal.
Principal, we need to talk.

Get him out of here whatever--
let's break the door down.

We're gonna break
the door down.

We need to talk to him
right now.

- Oh, Tom.
- Yeah

- What did you say
in history class

that everybody's so furious

- Oh, no. It was the--
it was the bus driver.

He was talking about
Columbus pillaging,

raping people.
- What

- He said some crazy things
about, uh--

- Okay, we can't blame him,
okay

- Can't blame him
No, it was his fault.

- I'm the one who let him teach
so this reflects poorly on me.

If the word gets out, I'm done.
- How does that involve me

- Tom, you--you need to
take the fall.

- No, no. Not again.

[pounding on door]
- Principal!

- If you're not gonna
take the hit,

then hide in
the filing cabinet.

- I'm not hiding.

- Tom, do something good,
please!

- Stop, stop.
- Tom.

- Oh, my God. Help.
- [shushing]

- Help.

[door opens]
- Oh, there you are.

After five hours of waiting.

- Okay, hi, everybody.

Listen, I know you're upset,
but I just wanted to say that

one of our students made up
a crazy speech in class.

But he is being reprimanded.

- I heard it was
the bus driver.

Why did you let him teach
our children

- Okay, we don't have time
for 8 million questions.

- [groans]
- All I wanted let you know

is that everything is
being taken care of.

[filing cabinet thumps]
- Wait a minute.

- Hey.
[filing cabinet thumps]

Hey!
- Oh, shit.

- Who is that
- I'm locked up!

I'm in the cabinet.

[filing cabinet thumps]
Oh, thank God.

Thanks for letting me out,
guys.

- Wow.

Stuffing a child
in a filing cabinet.

Now this here is a new low.

- I mean, I stuff Randy
in things all the time

but I'm not the principal
of a school.

- You, sir, are so done.

- This is how it ends

The history teacher
gets exploding diarrhea,

there's shit flying everywhere,

and now I can't be
the principal.

- Hey, hey, stop that.
You're beating yourself up.

- I mean, the superintendent
of the school's

gonna come to History Week,
okay

And then she is gonna fire me.

- Hey, you know what you need

You need one of my famous
Coach pep talks.

- No.
- Look at me.

When the chips are down,
you need to pull yourself up.

- Okay.
- Don't listen when people say

you're a boob, or an idiot...
- Uh, what

- Don't listen when they say
they don't know how

you could have possibly
gotten this job.

- Wait, do people say that
- Yeah.

Don't listen when people
talk about that you smell.

- Wait, what's wrong with
the way I smell

- Don't listen.
This is my whole point.

When--when people are
talking about

your very, very tiny penis--
- Oh, now that's just--

who told you
I had a small penis

- A lot of people
are talking about it.

- What do you mean
Why would that even come up

- Somebody saw you in
the bathroom.

It was a whole thing. But I'm
telling you not to listen.

- What is happening here

- Little penis people have done

a lot of great things
in the world.

- Well--
- You've done great things.

That's the truth of it.
- Well, that makes sense.

- You have to wash this out of
your system like

the diarrhea coming out of
that history teacher's asshole!

- Wow. You know what, Coach
Thank you so much.

You seriously--
you got me fired up right now.

You're the best. I feel great.

I'm out of here.
Take care of this.

- Take--take care of what

Uh, hold on a second.
[door slams]

I think he's--
he's skipping out on the bill.

- Were you talking about
small penises

- Uh--
- Weird conversation.

[urinating]

- Prin--principal
- Hey, Tom.

- What are you do--are you--

you're not peeing on my house,
are you

- Oh, shut up, please.

I thought I saw, like,
a cat come over here

and I didn't know
what was going on.

- You're literally--
I can hear it.

You're peeing on my house
right now.

- Tom, come on down here.

I need you to meet me
in your kitchen.

[zips]

- All right. I feel like
I'll regret going downstairs

but let's give it a shot.

- This meatloaf is so good.

- Oh, you just took
the meatloaf out

What are you doing
- Holy shit.

- No one said
you could eat that.

- Usually meatloaf sucks
but this is, like, good.

- Principal, are you okay

You seem a little
out of control.

- Well, I have a favor to ask.

- Oh, okay.
- You know your history speech

about Christopher Columbus
- Yeah.

- Well, I need you to do it
about me.

- Make the speech about you
- Yes.

- No, it's about great
Americans throughout history,

not people like you.
- Tom, why can't you be nice

You're so--listen,
I've done a lot of good things.

- You have
- Yes.

- Like what
- How 'bout I just had

a brand-new hot water heater
installed last year

- That sounds like routine
maintenance.

- If you do your research,
you'll find out

I've done plenty of
good things.

- All right, you know what
Let me do some research

and I'll see what I find.
- I really appreciate this.

And also just keep
this exchange, like, you know,

just between us. You know,
parents are so sensitive.

- Yeah, you start peeing on
people's houses,

they're all up in arms.

- "Oh, did you hear the
principal peed on Tom's house

He should be held accountable
for that."

It's a crazy time
we're living in.

[school bell rings]

- Hey, there, kiddo.
- Hey.

Who are you
- The librarian.

- Oh, okay.
- So what can I do for you

- Do for meNothing, I'm good.

I, uh--doing a research report.

- Now come on, want me.
All I want, I wanna be wanted.

- I don't really need help.
- Nobody needs me anymore.

Like a piece of dog shit on
the bottom of some kid's shoe.

- Got sad quickly.

Uh, listen, I could actually
use some help.

I--I need information on
the principal.

- Oh, I got some messed up
stuff on that asshole.

- Oh, reallyLike--like what

- You wanna know
what he's done

- Yeah.
- Come here. Sit on my lap.

- Okay. Why not

- Sit on
the old librarian's lap, huh

- All right.
- Yeah, that feels good.

That's very nice.
- That is kinda nice, actually.

- Hey, you ready for this
- Let's hear it.

- [indistinct whispering]

- Okay.
- [indistinct whispering]

- A squirrel
- [indistinct whispering]

- Meatball sub
- Yeah. [indistinct whispering]

- Put it down his pants.
- [indistinct whispering]

- He nailed Randy's mom
- I'm telling ya.

- This is--
this stuff is all true

- If the librarian says it
to you, you know it's true.

- Wow, this changes everything.
I'm glad we talked.

- Can I tell you
one other thing

- Yeah
- The Dewey Decimal System

It's a bunch of bullshit.

- Not sure what to do with that
but thank you.

- Tom
- Yeah

- You okay

- Oh, man, I just learned
some crazy stuff.

- Lay it on me.
- Did you know that

the principal once killed
a guy at a PTA meeting

- WhatReally

- He killed a guy with
a meatball sub.

He beat him to death.
- [stammering]

In full view of other people

- There's not--there's more.

You know our mascot,
the Squirrels

You know how that came to be

- Uh, no

- He kept a squirrel
down his pants

for the greater part of
his teenage years.

- Wait, whatA squirrel

- And I'm sorry you have to
learn it this way,

but I'm also being told that
Randy is his son.

- Wait, what

- The principal is your dad.

- Hold on. What

- I'm sorry to just tell you
on the bus like this, but yeah.

- Just tell me on a bus
in front of all of our peers

- Randy
is his illegitimate son.

- What the fuck
- Tom.

You need to mention all of this
at the history event.

- Oh, no, oh, no.
That's inappropriate.

- You gotta set the record
straight.

- No, this is just bus talk.
- Why

People do it all the time
at the Oscars.

- ReallyYou can just get up
and start flappin' your lips

- Absolutely.
When you're handed a mic,

it's like society's saying
"I wanna hear what you think."

- It's tempting.
Bus driver, what do you think

- All things considered, Tom,

I'm trying to ease up on
the weighing in.

It never seems to end well.

- Hey, thanks for coming out,
folks.

I really appreciate it.

- Dipshit.

- Okay, great.

Let's--let's give a nice,
warm welcome to Mrs. Yuhas.

[applause]
- Thank you, thank you.

- She's back after
a terrible bout with diarrhea.

- Uh--
- And it sounds like

it was just shootin' out of
her butthole and ugh.

- Why do you--
- Sorry.

- Okay, yeah, I don't think
you had to mention that.

- But anyway, welcome back.
You look great.

[scattered applause]

Anyway, we're all here for

the kids' speeches on
great Americans.

Our first one is about,

well, someone I guess
we all know and love.

So, Tom, take it away.

[applause]
- Thank you. Thank you.

You know, I was actually gonna
make my speech about

our very own principal.

- [chuckling] Okay!

- And then I learned what
a awful,

disgusting
freak of a man he is.

- Wait, what

- Here's the truth.
Here's what I've learned.

He murdered the old principal.

[crowd gasps]

- Okay, that's simply not true.

- He literally murdered
the old principal.

That's how he got the job.
- I did not do that.

- And, uh, hate to say it
in this environment,

but Randy is
his illegitimate son.

- Wait, what
- Not true.

- Makes me sick just imagining

the principal squeezing
my mom's butt!

- This is a lot right now,
okay

- Sorry. I'm sorry I had to
bring it up here.

I just wanted to use this forum

to, uh, to make my views known.

- I'm reporting you to
the school board,

and I should've done it before.

- Please, everybody, please--

- Here's a better idea.

Let's burn his office down!

- Oh, yeah, I'm in.

- I agree. I'm in on that.

- Okay, listen, listen.

No one's burning anything.
- Follow me!

You ever see the movie
"Frankenstein"

You've gotta be in a mob!

[flames crackling]

- Wow, watch it burn.

- You did it, Tom.

I'm proud of you.
- Thank you.

- You know how long I been
waiting to say thatA year.

- Tom!
- Oh, there he is.

- Why would you say
those things

None of them were true.

- Come on.
You can admit it now.

- Where'd you get
that stuff from

- The librarian.

- Who
- Our school librarian.

- Tom, we do not have
a librarian.

- The librarian!
Right over there!

There he is. Hey, librarian.

- Don't tell me to calm down.
You calm down!

You calm down! What, you think
you're better than me

You're not better than me.

- Tom, that's
the janitor's father.

- The what
- The guy is--

has serious mental problems.
- Oh, no.

- Yeah, I let him sleep in
the library sometimes

because it's warm.

- Now I feel a little--
- Stupid

- A little bit.
- Tom, you should feel bad.

Now you're always gonna be
remembered as

the kid who burned
my office down.

- I mean, compared
to the kid who

pooped his pants at baseball,

that's, like, a step in
the right direction.

- Remember
there's more road

And places to go

And patterns
to contemplate

More people to fornicate

And remember
there's a lot of good omens

Supplying the proof

That our life
is the best joke ever told

Remember it's a joke
and leave it alone

Let go and try to be
always abiding

Remember if there's
one good reason for dying

The sweet silver lining

Through you she lives on

And therein lies a truth
we can sip when we want

Disciples of the flow,
we can float anywhere

If ever there's a drought,
I've listed the puddles

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