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1
00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:03,641
- ? Now as our poor
young lungs deflate ?
2
00:00:03,740 --> 00:00:07,678
? I'll admit
I've gotten older ?
3
00:00:07,777 --> 00:00:13,484
? Mellowed out, chatting up
those I used to hate ?
4
00:00:13,585 --> 00:00:15,587
? ?
5
00:00:15,685 --> 00:00:20,192
? The feeling that
we're lost will always fade ?
6
00:00:20,290 --> 00:00:24,395
? I present no explanations ?
7
00:00:24,494 --> 00:00:28,000
? Can't expect
our tired patience ?
8
00:00:28,099 --> 00:00:32,136
? To satiate for long ?
9
00:00:32,235 --> 00:00:36,007
? Therein lies a truth
we can sip when we want ?
10
00:00:36,106 --> 00:00:40,744
? Disciples of the flow,
we can float anywhere ?
11
00:00:42,714 --> 00:00:47,285
[upbeat music playing]
12
00:00:47,384 --> 00:00:48,619
- Thanks for the ride,
Shanelle.
13
00:00:48,719 --> 00:00:50,955
Okay, have fun at school, baby.
Be good.
14
00:00:51,055 --> 00:00:52,857
- Okay, I will try. Ta-ta.
15
00:00:52,957 --> 00:00:53,958
Errbody, what's up?
16
00:00:54,058 --> 00:00:55,359
- All right, see you later.
17
00:00:55,459 --> 00:00:58,129
- Hey, you must be
Nelson's new mom.
18
00:00:58,228 --> 00:01:00,665
- I am. Hi.
- I'm the gym teacher,
19
00:01:00,764 --> 00:01:04,335
which explains why
my body is so ripped and buff.
20
00:01:04,434 --> 00:01:06,704
- It is very ripped. Wow.
21
00:01:06,804 --> 00:01:07,939
I like those shorts.
22
00:01:08,039 --> 00:01:09,674
- Ah, I got these on sale.
23
00:01:09,772 --> 00:01:12,844
- And I'm Brad.
I know I look young for my age
24
00:01:12,944 --> 00:01:14,712
but I'm actually
Dakota's father.
25
00:01:14,811 --> 00:01:17,581
- You are adorable.
- [chuckles]
26
00:01:17,681 --> 00:01:19,750
Yeah, I--I take care of myself.
27
00:01:19,845 --> 00:01:21,152
- Can I ask you a question?
28
00:01:21,251 --> 00:01:22,420
- Yeah.
- Okay.
29
00:01:22,519 --> 00:01:24,755
- I have this
morning news show.
30
00:01:24,855 --> 00:01:29,027
Be honest; is this too much
to wear on the air?
31
00:01:29,127 --> 00:01:30,661
- You look great.
- Yeah, it fits perfect.
32
00:01:30,761 --> 00:01:33,264
- Oh, you don't think
my boob humps are too big?
33
00:01:33,364 --> 00:01:34,565
- No.
- Yeah, no.
34
00:01:34,665 --> 00:01:36,467
- Thank you. Thank you so much.
35
00:01:36,567 --> 00:01:38,602
That was really sweet of you--
- Well, hello, lovely lady.
36
00:01:38,701 --> 00:01:40,272
I'm the bus driver.
- Honk, honk.
37
00:01:40,370 --> 00:01:41,907
- I understand
you're a married woman,
38
00:01:42,005 --> 00:01:44,743
but in this day and age,
who knows what that means?
39
00:01:44,841 --> 00:01:47,712
[horn honks]
- Move the goddamn bus.
40
00:01:47,811 --> 00:01:49,982
And Brad, what the hell
are you doing?
41
00:01:50,081 --> 00:01:51,450
School started ten minutes ago.
42
00:01:51,548 --> 00:01:53,485
- I have no idea
who that woman is.
43
00:01:53,584 --> 00:01:55,254
[horns honking repeatedly]
44
00:01:56,587 --> 00:01:58,457
- Where is the gym teacher?
45
00:01:58,555 --> 00:01:59,824
- Something must be wrong.
46
00:01:59,924 --> 00:02:00,892
I'm pulling the fire alarm.
47
00:02:00,991 --> 00:02:02,227
- Yes, pull it.
48
00:02:02,326 --> 00:02:04,329
[fire alarm ringing]
49
00:02:04,428 --> 00:02:05,998
- Hi, kids,
this is your principal.
50
00:02:06,096 --> 00:02:07,432
There is no fire.
51
00:02:07,531 --> 00:02:10,369
But I do need
all male teachers
52
00:02:10,467 --> 00:02:12,132
to report to their classrooms.
53
00:02:12,235 --> 00:02:16,241
I repeat, all male teachers,
report to your classrooms.
54
00:02:16,335 --> 00:02:19,044
And, Tom, please come see me
right now.
55
00:02:19,143 --> 00:02:20,112
- Hey, Principal,
what's going on?
56
00:02:20,210 --> 00:02:21,546
It's complete chaos in here.
57
00:02:21,645 --> 00:02:23,348
- Please shut the door.
- Okay. What's up?
58
00:02:23,447 --> 00:02:25,145
- I have a real dilemma
on my hands.
59
00:02:25,249 --> 00:02:26,818
It's about Nelson's hot mom.
60
00:02:26,916 --> 00:02:28,653
- I'm sorry. It sounded like
you said "Nelson's hot mom"?
61
00:02:28,752 --> 00:02:30,222
- Yes.
- That's the problem?
62
00:02:30,320 --> 00:02:32,091
- Well, the problem is,
she's too hot,
63
00:02:32,190 --> 00:02:33,592
and every time
she comes to visit,
64
00:02:33,690 --> 00:02:35,494
the whole school comes to
a standstill.
65
00:02:35,592 --> 00:02:37,562
- Can't imagine how this
relates to me in any way.
66
00:02:37,661 --> 00:02:38,830
- Okay, here's the deal.
- Yeah?
67
00:02:38,930 --> 00:02:40,099
- I can't say anything.
68
00:02:40,197 --> 00:02:41,200
You understand that, right,
69
00:02:41,299 --> 00:02:42,534
as the principal?
- Sure.
70
00:02:42,633 --> 00:02:44,436
- So since you and Nelson are
so close,
71
00:02:44,529 --> 00:02:46,638
I was just hoping that you
could just float it out there.
72
00:02:46,737 --> 00:02:48,640
- Float what?
- Just tastefully ask Nelson
73
00:02:48,739 --> 00:02:51,110
to see if she can ease up on
the cleavage
74
00:02:51,208 --> 00:02:52,677
when she's at the school.
75
00:02:52,776 --> 00:02:54,413
- I'm gonna have to ask you
what "cleavage" means.
76
00:02:54,511 --> 00:02:56,748
- Oh, my g--boobies.
- Boobies? Oh, no, come on.
77
00:02:56,847 --> 00:02:58,083
I'm not--
I'm not involved with this.
78
00:02:58,182 --> 00:02:59,484
- You're already involved.
79
00:02:59,583 --> 00:03:01,253
We've been talking
a full minute about this.
80
00:03:01,351 --> 00:03:02,521
- It's been mindless drivel!
81
00:03:02,619 --> 00:03:04,289
- Tom, I'm gonna be honest
with you;
82
00:03:04,388 --> 00:03:06,186
I have diarrhea over this, so
just see what you can do, okay?
83
00:03:06,290 --> 00:03:07,692
- All right, I'll see
what I can do.
84
00:03:07,791 --> 00:03:09,261
- And don't tell anyone
I put you up to this.
85
00:03:09,360 --> 00:03:11,130
Pinky swear me.
- Pinky swear?
86
00:03:11,228 --> 00:03:12,597
- Yeah, that's right. Do it.
87
00:03:12,696 --> 00:03:14,133
- That's not legally binding,
is it?
88
00:03:14,231 --> 00:03:15,400
- Yes, it is.
89
00:03:15,499 --> 00:03:16,501
- What happens if
I break the swear?
90
00:03:16,601 --> 00:03:17,802
- You go to prison.
91
00:03:17,902 --> 00:03:19,804
- That doesn't sound right
at all.
92
00:03:19,904 --> 00:03:21,506
[beeping]
93
00:03:21,605 --> 00:03:23,475
- Tom, you're not great at
video games.
94
00:03:23,573 --> 00:03:25,644
- I'm not good.
- Your thumbs are too slow.
95
00:03:25,743 --> 00:03:27,479
- Thumbs are slow,
eyes are slow, whole--
96
00:03:27,577 --> 00:03:28,914
- You don't get this by now?
97
00:03:29,013 --> 00:03:30,415
- Not my world.
98
00:03:30,514 --> 00:03:31,783
[slicing]
- Ah!
99
00:03:31,881 --> 00:03:33,685
- Listen, on a completely
unrelated note,
100
00:03:33,785 --> 00:03:35,287
I have something
I wanna discuss.
101
00:03:35,386 --> 00:03:37,556
- Tom, we ten years old.
We don't discuss things.
102
00:03:37,655 --> 00:03:39,158
- Listen, it's--it's about
your new mom.
103
00:03:39,257 --> 00:03:40,559
- Oh.
- I was just hoping--
104
00:03:40,658 --> 00:03:42,627
uh, how should I say this?
105
00:03:42,726 --> 00:03:44,796
You're familiar with bosoms,
right?
106
00:03:44,895 --> 00:03:46,531
- Bosoms?
- That's not coming out right.
107
00:03:46,630 --> 00:03:48,633
What's the word
I'm looking for?
108
00:03:48,733 --> 00:03:49,834
Cleavage?
109
00:03:49,934 --> 00:03:52,104
- Cleavage, Ohio?
- This is really awkward.
110
00:03:52,197 --> 00:03:53,272
- Hold on, hold on, hold on.
Mom!
111
00:03:53,370 --> 00:03:54,439
- Oh, no.
- Dad! Get in here!
112
00:03:54,538 --> 00:03:56,008
- No, this is guy talk.
113
00:03:56,107 --> 00:03:57,642
- Hi.
- Hey.
114
00:03:57,741 --> 00:04:00,345
- Is this the Tom I've been
hearing so much about?
115
00:04:00,444 --> 00:04:02,514
- This is Tom.
But, uh, sorry to bother you.
116
00:04:02,612 --> 00:04:04,716
Forget I said anything.
- No, no, no. Say it, Tom.
117
00:04:04,815 --> 00:04:07,452
- Speak your mind. There's no
secrets in this house.
118
00:04:07,551 --> 00:04:10,055
- All right, if you insist.
Um, I was just wondering,
119
00:04:10,154 --> 00:04:11,223
and this is just one--
120
00:04:11,321 --> 00:04:12,857
one kid's opinion.
- Yeah.
121
00:04:12,957 --> 00:04:14,894
- When you're on school
grounds...
122
00:04:14,993 --> 00:04:16,161
- Mm-hmm.
123
00:04:16,260 --> 00:04:17,729
- Is it possible to just
124
00:04:17,828 --> 00:04:21,500
ease up on the amount of
knockers you're showing?
125
00:04:21,598 --> 00:04:22,902
- Knockers?
- What?
126
00:04:23,001 --> 00:04:25,804
- Did you just ask me to
ease up on knockers?
127
00:04:25,902 --> 00:04:27,439
- I feel like
this is coming out wrong.
128
00:04:27,538 --> 00:04:29,574
- Tom, what the hell has
gotten into you, son?
129
00:04:29,673 --> 00:04:31,576
- What do people say
these days, cans, jugs?
130
00:04:31,676 --> 00:04:33,245
- You need to stop, okay?
131
00:04:33,344 --> 00:04:35,080
- Ya--yabos?
- Yabos?
132
00:04:35,179 --> 00:04:37,882
Nelson, are you friends
with this lunatic?
133
00:04:37,981 --> 00:04:39,584
- I mean, he usually
a pretty normal guy.
134
00:04:39,683 --> 00:04:41,153
- I don't usually weigh in
on things like this.
135
00:04:41,252 --> 00:04:43,388
- You're not supposed to.
You're supposed to be ten!
136
00:04:43,487 --> 00:04:44,689
- I'm calling your mom
right now.
137
00:04:44,788 --> 00:04:46,091
- No, don't call my mom.
- No, no, no, no.
138
00:04:46,190 --> 00:04:47,592
I'll handle this myself.
139
00:04:47,691 --> 00:04:50,095
I'm gonna discuss this
on the program!
140
00:04:50,194 --> 00:04:51,430
[door slams]
141
00:04:51,528 --> 00:04:52,797
- Your mom has a program?
142
00:04:52,896 --> 00:04:54,699
- Oh, you don't know about
the program?
143
00:04:54,798 --> 00:04:57,036
- ? We talk about this
and we talk about that ?
144
00:04:57,134 --> 00:05:00,439
? We talk about Jersey,
Jersey, yeah! ?
145
00:05:00,538 --> 00:05:01,907
[applause]
146
00:05:02,005 --> 00:05:04,343
- Good morning and welcome to
"Talkin' Jersey,"
147
00:05:04,441 --> 00:05:06,306
where we give a fresh,
unfiltered take
148
00:05:06,410 --> 00:05:08,247
on the topics that matter
to you.
149
00:05:08,345 --> 00:05:10,682
- And my name's Ben.
150
00:05:10,781 --> 00:05:12,451
- You don't have anything else
to add, Ben?
151
00:05:12,550 --> 00:05:13,785
- Just like to identify myself
152
00:05:13,885 --> 00:05:15,287
at the beginning of the show.
153
00:05:15,386 --> 00:05:17,923
- Anyway, something upsetting
happened
154
00:05:18,017 --> 00:05:19,319
that I want to discuss.
155
00:05:19,423 --> 00:05:21,526
This boy came into my home
156
00:05:21,625 --> 00:05:24,897
to ask me if I could
"ease up on the knockers."
157
00:05:24,996 --> 00:05:26,098
[audience gasps]
158
00:05:26,197 --> 00:05:28,133
- What is happening?
Kids are the worst.
159
00:05:28,232 --> 00:05:29,601
- Can I get a closeup on
camera B?
160
00:05:29,700 --> 00:05:31,703
- Yeah, let's go close
on B, here.
161
00:05:31,802 --> 00:05:35,640
- Girls, body positivity
is important.
162
00:05:35,740 --> 00:05:37,176
No matter--
- I agree.
163
00:05:37,275 --> 00:05:39,578
- No matter what
your body type,
164
00:05:39,677 --> 00:05:41,947
you should feel empowered
and strong.
165
00:05:42,046 --> 00:05:43,448
- Powered and strong.
- If there's a--
166
00:05:43,547 --> 00:05:44,783
- That's--
that's what's important.
167
00:05:44,881 --> 00:05:47,920
- Ben.
If there's a Tom in your life,
168
00:05:48,019 --> 00:05:50,489
tell him to shut up.
- To shut his mouth.
169
00:05:50,587 --> 00:05:54,493
- Ben--you are beautiful
just the way you are.
170
00:05:54,592 --> 00:05:55,928
- Yeah, tell 'em Ben sent ya.
171
00:05:56,027 --> 00:05:58,430
- Don't you dare say anything
about Ben.
172
00:05:58,529 --> 00:06:00,132
- Now stick around
'cause after the break,
173
00:06:00,231 --> 00:06:03,102
we're gonna be making some
blueberry pancakes. Yum.
174
00:06:03,195 --> 00:06:05,104
- Ben, you're really bad
at this!
175
00:06:05,203 --> 00:06:07,039
- I know. I don't know why
they hired me.
176
00:06:07,138 --> 00:06:10,242
I'm dull, I'm visibly nervous,
I'm bad at banter.
177
00:06:10,341 --> 00:06:14,546
- ? We talk about Jersey,
Jersey, yeah ?
178
00:06:14,646 --> 00:06:16,982
[school bell rings]
179
00:06:17,080 --> 00:06:19,018
- Hey, guys, have you tried
these zucchini sticks?
180
00:06:19,117 --> 00:06:20,785
They're delectable.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
181
00:06:20,884 --> 00:06:22,854
You can't sit
your zucchini stick here.
182
00:06:22,954 --> 00:06:24,489
- You talking 'bout?
This my spot.
183
00:06:24,588 --> 00:06:25,958
- Oh, man, I hate to break it
to you, brother.
184
00:06:26,057 --> 00:06:27,759
You've been cancelled.
- I've been what?
185
00:06:27,858 --> 00:06:29,528
- My mom talked about the
knockers thing on her TV show.
186
00:06:29,626 --> 00:06:31,530
- Oh, no. Does anyone watch
that program?
187
00:06:31,628 --> 00:06:33,498
- Told you about the program,
you didn't look the program up?
188
00:06:33,597 --> 00:06:35,867
- I didn't watch it. No, I got
a whole routine in the morning.
189
00:06:35,967 --> 00:06:37,502
I take a bath,
do my jumping jacks,
190
00:06:37,601 --> 00:06:39,399
I drink some milk
and get goin'.
191
00:06:39,503 --> 00:06:41,040
- Oh, I'm sorry to hear that,
man.
192
00:06:41,138 --> 00:06:42,674
- This is upsetting.
193
00:06:42,773 --> 00:06:43,943
So what does this mean?
We can't have lunch together?
194
00:06:44,041 --> 00:06:45,777
- Oh, we can't do anything
together.
195
00:06:45,876 --> 00:06:47,546
- Matter of fact, why don't you
step away from the table?
196
00:06:47,644 --> 00:06:49,181
I don't like the way
people looking at us.
197
00:06:49,280 --> 00:06:51,150
- Nelson, you're abandoning me?
After all these years?
198
00:06:51,247 --> 00:06:53,785
- All these--Tom, we've been
friends since we were nine.
199
00:06:53,884 --> 00:06:55,454
Let's not overstate
the history here.
200
00:06:55,554 --> 00:06:57,622
[plucky music]
201
00:06:57,721 --> 00:07:00,659
- Hey, uh, do you guys mind
if I sit here?
202
00:07:00,757 --> 00:07:02,461
- We're gonna respectfully
decline.
203
00:07:02,560 --> 00:07:04,029
- That's fair.
204
00:07:04,128 --> 00:07:05,764
Listen, guys, I'm in the
market for a new table.
205
00:07:05,862 --> 00:07:07,699
- Can't right now.
Sorry, table's full.
206
00:07:07,797 --> 00:07:09,601
- It's full? That whole half
I can't sit at?
207
00:07:09,700 --> 00:07:11,203
- No, that's--that's taken.
208
00:07:11,302 --> 00:07:12,537
Someone's coming. That's taken.
209
00:07:12,636 --> 00:07:13,872
- You guys wanna talk it over
first?
210
00:07:13,971 --> 00:07:15,507
- Oh, bye!
211
00:07:15,605 --> 00:07:17,242
- Hey, any chance--
- Hard pass.
212
00:07:17,342 --> 00:07:18,978
- Okay.
213
00:07:19,075 --> 00:07:21,413
- What are you doing? Close
your mouth while you're eating.
214
00:07:21,512 --> 00:07:22,514
- Don't tell me what to do,
okay?
215
00:07:22,612 --> 00:07:24,083
- Hey, Randy.
- Hey.
216
00:07:24,181 --> 00:07:25,517
- Hey, buddy. Listen,
I'm having a little trouble
217
00:07:25,616 --> 00:07:27,286
finding a suitable table
to sit at.
218
00:07:27,385 --> 00:07:28,653
- Uh-huh.
- Not getting a lot of
219
00:07:28,752 --> 00:07:30,422
positive feedback,
and I was wondering,
220
00:07:30,521 --> 00:07:31,823
if it's not too much trouble,
221
00:07:31,922 --> 00:07:33,025
if I could squeeze in here
with you guys.
222
00:07:33,124 --> 00:07:34,226
- Tom, you don't have to
grovel.
223
00:07:34,325 --> 00:07:35,627
We take anyone in here.
224
00:07:35,726 --> 00:07:37,696
We're like the Statue of
Liberty of lunch tables.
225
00:07:37,794 --> 00:07:39,999
Give us your lame, your stupid,
your dumb.
226
00:07:40,097 --> 00:07:41,833
- Oh, that's great. Thank you.
- Just sit down.
227
00:07:41,932 --> 00:07:43,302
- Oh, wow,
the janitor sits here.
228
00:07:43,400 --> 00:07:45,804
- Tom, this is America.
Last time I checked,
229
00:07:45,904 --> 00:07:48,007
janitors can sit
wherever the F they want.
230
00:07:48,104 --> 00:07:50,275
- No one's questioning it.
- And this is where I want.
231
00:07:50,374 --> 00:07:51,944
- I just was surprised to
see you.
232
00:07:52,041 --> 00:07:53,645
- Listen, Tom, I feel like
fate has brought us together,
233
00:07:53,745 --> 00:07:54,980
you know that?
234
00:07:55,079 --> 00:07:56,315
- Weird small talk?
What's happening?
235
00:07:56,413 --> 00:07:57,682
- I heard what happened to you.
236
00:07:57,781 --> 00:07:58,883
- Yeah, I'm cancelled.
- I can relate.
237
00:07:58,983 --> 00:08:00,685
I was once cancelled too.
- You?
238
00:08:00,784 --> 00:08:03,822
- Before this job, I was
the CEO of Outback Steakhouse.
239
00:08:03,922 --> 00:08:06,025
- Really? No.
- He's Bob Reynolds.
240
00:08:06,122 --> 00:08:08,393
He greenlit the Bloomin' Onion.
- That's right.
241
00:08:08,486 --> 00:08:10,729
One day, I made an off-color
joke.
242
00:08:10,827 --> 00:08:12,731
Next thing I know,
my career was over.
243
00:08:12,830 --> 00:08:14,494
- How bad was the joke?
- Not bad.
244
00:08:14,598 --> 00:08:17,169
It was a harmless
boomerang penis thing.
245
00:08:17,267 --> 00:08:18,470
- That sounds hysterical.
246
00:08:18,569 --> 00:08:19,838
- Who could be hung up
about that?
247
00:08:19,936 --> 00:08:21,773
- Uh, let me tell you who:
Australians.
248
00:08:21,871 --> 00:08:23,407
- They cancelled you
just for that?
249
00:08:23,507 --> 00:08:26,378
- Essentially, but only because
I let them cancel me.
250
00:08:26,477 --> 00:08:28,547
- What does that mean?
- Don't run and hide, Tom.
251
00:08:28,645 --> 00:08:30,148
- Okay.
- You need to get out there
252
00:08:30,248 --> 00:08:32,684
with your friends and project
an air of confidence.
253
00:08:32,783 --> 00:08:34,153
- Oh.
- Like nothing happened.
254
00:08:34,251 --> 00:08:35,487
- Well, the thing is,
I don't have any friends,
255
00:08:35,587 --> 00:08:36,788
so how would I--
256
00:08:36,887 --> 00:08:38,557
- Well, you got two friends,
huh?
257
00:08:38,656 --> 00:08:39,992
You're looking at 'em.
- One, two.
258
00:08:40,091 --> 00:08:42,727
- One, two? Randy, come on.
- Would you stop?
259
00:08:42,827 --> 00:08:44,129
- Oh, this changes everything.
260
00:08:44,228 --> 00:08:45,864
All right,
I don't know about you losers
261
00:08:45,962 --> 00:08:47,166
but we're having fun over here.
- That's right!
262
00:08:47,264 --> 00:08:50,369
- Nothing problematic
over here!
263
00:08:50,467 --> 00:08:52,137
[80's rock music]
264
00:08:52,236 --> 00:08:55,206
- Okay, Randy, take some pics
of us having fun. Go!
265
00:08:55,306 --> 00:08:57,876
- Just having fun with my buds,
Randy and the janitor.
266
00:08:57,975 --> 00:09:00,279
- Posting to all socials.
267
00:09:00,378 --> 00:09:02,614
#notlosers.
268
00:09:02,714 --> 00:09:04,083
- #lifekicksass!
269
00:09:04,182 --> 00:09:07,719
- #hangingoutwith
theexCEOofOutbackSteak--
270
00:09:07,819 --> 00:09:09,221
is that too long for a hashtag?
271
00:09:09,320 --> 00:09:11,190
- Uh, I'm not allowed to say.
[camera clicks]
272
00:09:11,288 --> 00:09:12,724
- Tommy, my friend,
what do you got there?
273
00:09:12,823 --> 00:09:14,126
What do you got in your cup?
274
00:09:14,224 --> 00:09:16,028
- Tom, what you got
in that cup?
275
00:09:16,125 --> 00:09:18,130
- Just got some ice cream with
some sprinkles and whatnot.
276
00:09:18,228 --> 00:09:20,732
- #sprinklebuds.
[camera clicks]
277
00:09:20,832 --> 00:09:22,834
Okay, canoe boys!
- Yeah.
278
00:09:22,933 --> 00:09:24,636
- Should we go for
an alliteration, like--
279
00:09:24,735 --> 00:09:27,339
- Canoe kids.
- There we go. #canoekids.
280
00:09:27,437 --> 00:09:31,143
- Look at us.
- #havingablastwithmyroofies.
281
00:09:31,242 --> 00:09:32,544
- Yeah, roofies!
282
00:09:32,643 --> 00:09:35,547
Having a blast.
- This is fun.
283
00:09:35,646 --> 00:09:37,282
- Okay,
let's form a human pyramid
284
00:09:37,381 --> 00:09:38,817
and stuff the pretzels
in our mouths.
285
00:09:38,915 --> 00:09:40,519
- Love it.
- Now, Tom, you get on top
286
00:09:40,618 --> 00:09:43,655
and you start singing "ain't
no party like a pretzel party,
287
00:09:43,754 --> 00:09:44,957
'cause a pretzel party
don't stop."
288
00:09:45,056 --> 00:09:46,691
- Good idea.
- I just thought of that.
289
00:09:46,790 --> 00:09:48,660
- That's great. I'm having the
time of my life, I gotta say.
290
00:09:48,759 --> 00:09:50,362
- Pardon me.
Can you snap a picture
291
00:09:50,460 --> 00:09:53,332
of me and my friends partying
with pretzels in our mouths?
292
00:09:53,430 --> 00:09:54,799
- Oh, hell no.
- Eww.
293
00:09:54,898 --> 00:09:56,201
- Tom, what are you doing?
- Oh, hey, Nelson.
294
00:09:56,300 --> 00:09:57,970
Eh, just partying with
my new friends.
295
00:09:58,069 --> 00:09:59,972
- Man, get down.
We need to talk.
296
00:10:00,069 --> 00:10:02,107
- Okay. Just party without me
for a minute, guys.
297
00:10:02,206 --> 00:10:03,208
- Okay, yeah.
298
00:10:03,307 --> 00:10:05,444
- Mom, Dad,
give us a second, please.
299
00:10:05,542 --> 00:10:06,745
- Just keep a low profile.
300
00:10:06,844 --> 00:10:09,048
We don't want to be seen
with this guy.
301
00:10:09,147 --> 00:10:10,649
- What's up?
- What are you doing?
302
00:10:10,748 --> 00:10:11,951
You look pathetic out there.
- Pathetic?
303
00:10:12,050 --> 00:10:13,285
No, we're making
a pyramid of winners.
304
00:10:13,384 --> 00:10:14,987
- No, you not.
That's not a pyramid.
305
00:10:15,085 --> 00:10:17,656
Look how big the janitor is
compared to Randy.
306
00:10:17,749 --> 00:10:19,324
- You're saying I'm not coming
across well?
307
00:10:19,423 --> 00:10:21,460
- Look at them out there on
they knees right now, still.
308
00:10:21,553 --> 00:10:23,428
- Get on top, Tom!
What's going on?
309
00:10:23,528 --> 00:10:25,697
- What the fuck is this?
310
00:10:25,796 --> 00:10:27,299
- Oh, no.
- Take it in.
311
00:10:27,398 --> 00:10:29,068
- What have I done?
I never should have listened to
312
00:10:29,166 --> 00:10:30,835
the janitor, I never should
have let the principal
313
00:10:30,935 --> 00:10:32,304
make me comment on
your mom's boobs--
314
00:10:32,402 --> 00:10:33,672
- Wait, wait, wait,
woah, woah, woah, woah.
315
00:10:33,771 --> 00:10:35,140
Go back.
- What?
316
00:10:35,239 --> 00:10:36,841
- You said the principal
put you up to this?
317
00:10:36,940 --> 00:10:38,277
- Yeah, I don't think of
stuff like that on my own.
318
00:10:38,375 --> 00:10:39,711
- Tom, this changes everything!
- It does?
319
00:10:39,811 --> 00:10:40,980
- Yeah, we can
be friends again.
320
00:10:41,079 --> 00:10:42,581
- Why?
- It's not your fault.
321
00:10:42,681 --> 00:10:43,949
- Oh.
322
00:10:44,048 --> 00:10:45,417
- Why didn't you say something
sooner?
323
00:10:45,515 --> 00:10:47,086
- I did a pinky swear,
so I'm legally bound.
324
00:10:47,184 --> 00:10:48,921
- A pinky swear is not
legally binding contract.
325
00:10:49,019 --> 00:10:50,389
- Yeah, I didn't think
that sounded right.
326
00:10:50,482 --> 00:10:51,723
- See, you helpless without me.
327
00:10:51,822 --> 00:10:53,625
Listen, I'm gonna tell my mom
the truth
328
00:10:53,718 --> 00:10:55,060
and we're gonna get you
un-cancelled.
329
00:10:55,159 --> 00:10:56,561
- You're a good friend, Nelson.
Thank you.
330
00:10:56,661 --> 00:10:57,996
- Tom, are we doing this?
331
00:10:58,096 --> 00:10:59,864
'Cause without you,
the pyramid is just
332
00:10:59,963 --> 00:11:02,501
me and the janitor
kneeling on the floor.
333
00:11:02,600 --> 00:11:04,869
- ? We talk about this
and we talk about that ?
334
00:11:04,968 --> 00:11:07,639
? We talk about Jersey,
Jersey, yeah ?
335
00:11:07,738 --> 00:11:08,941
[applause]
336
00:11:09,039 --> 00:11:11,243
- Folks, we have
an important show today.
337
00:11:11,341 --> 00:11:13,478
- And my name's Ben.
- We nearly--what?
338
00:11:13,578 --> 00:11:15,147
- Sorry. Yeah, go on.
339
00:11:15,246 --> 00:11:18,083
- We nearly destroyed
a young boy's reputation
340
00:11:18,182 --> 00:11:20,352
when it turns out
he was innocent.
341
00:11:20,451 --> 00:11:22,087
- Hi, thank you.
Thanks for having me.
342
00:11:22,186 --> 00:11:24,123
- [chuckles]
Tom, thanks for joining us.
343
00:11:24,221 --> 00:11:27,226
Now, Principal, tell us
what really happened here.
344
00:11:27,324 --> 00:11:30,829
- Well, I asked a student
to gently suggest
345
00:11:30,927 --> 00:11:33,132
that your clothes were
a distraction at school.
346
00:11:33,230 --> 00:11:35,834
And it was wrong
and I'm very sorry.
347
00:11:35,927 --> 00:11:37,436
- Yeah, you're leaving out
a little part, aren't ya?
348
00:11:37,535 --> 00:11:40,172
You said knockers, didn't you?
- No, I did not say--
349
00:11:40,270 --> 00:11:42,041
what?
- You can admit it.
350
00:11:42,138 --> 00:11:45,444
You said, "Tell Nelson's mom
to ease up on the knockers."
351
00:11:45,543 --> 00:11:46,946
We all know what knockers are.
352
00:11:47,044 --> 00:11:48,679
Knockers are tits.
[audience gasps]
353
00:11:48,780 --> 00:11:50,215
- Ben!
- Sorry.
354
00:11:50,314 --> 00:11:52,584
- I would never say that.
That's rude and offensive.
355
00:11:52,683 --> 00:11:53,852
Tom must've made that part up.
356
00:11:53,952 --> 00:11:56,021
- What? Tom!
357
00:11:56,120 --> 00:11:58,123
- It was his idea though.
It was his general idea.
358
00:11:58,222 --> 00:12:00,993
I was just the kid who--
- Yeah, but you said knockers.
359
00:12:01,091 --> 00:12:02,661
- Why are we latching onto
the word knockers?
360
00:12:02,759 --> 00:12:04,429
- Because that's
the offensive part!
361
00:12:04,528 --> 00:12:06,031
- I thought knockers
was a fun word,
362
00:12:06,130 --> 00:12:07,766
like jugs or rack or cans or--
363
00:12:07,864 --> 00:12:10,002
- Are you kidding, kid?
- Good lord!
364
00:12:10,101 --> 00:12:11,270
Can we cut this kid's mic?
365
00:12:11,368 --> 00:12:13,105
- Sorry for the confusion,
folks.
366
00:12:13,203 --> 00:12:15,607
The cancellation is back on.
367
00:12:15,705 --> 00:12:17,042
[audience booing]
- No, please.
368
00:12:17,141 --> 00:12:19,311
You can't re-cancel someone.
- I think we can.
369
00:12:19,409 --> 00:12:21,480
Why--why not?
- I'm re-cancelled
370
00:12:21,578 --> 00:12:25,384
just for saying cans, jugs,
knockers, and yabos?
371
00:12:25,482 --> 00:12:27,452
What kind of world are
we living in?
372
00:12:27,551 --> 00:12:30,589
- [sighs] There's only so much
I can do to help him.
373
00:12:30,688 --> 00:12:33,959
- ? Jersey is the place that
we're talkin' about ?
374
00:12:34,058 --> 00:12:35,594
? Grab a cup of joe ?
375
00:12:36,026 --> 00:12:37,829
[car horn honking]
- Hey, stop running.
376
00:12:37,929 --> 00:12:39,932
Guys! I know it's
a three-day weekend,
377
00:12:40,029 --> 00:12:41,967
but that doesn't mean you can
act like animals.
378
00:12:42,066 --> 00:12:44,236
And, Hector, stop climbing
the flag pole!
379
00:12:44,335 --> 00:12:46,605
- You're not the boss of me!
Ha-ha!
380
00:12:46,703 --> 00:12:48,040
[horn honks]
- Principal!
381
00:12:48,139 --> 00:12:49,840
Why is this line not moving?
- Yeah, well--
382
00:12:49,941 --> 00:12:51,176
- I'm meeting my friend,
Denise,
383
00:12:51,275 --> 00:12:52,772
we're both getting colonics
together
384
00:12:52,877 --> 00:12:54,313
and then we're gonna
have lunch,
385
00:12:54,411 --> 00:12:56,115
- Why are you telling me this?
- I can't be here.
386
00:12:56,213 --> 00:12:57,950
- Please just try to be
patient.
387
00:12:58,049 --> 00:13:00,485
Hey. Hey, don't do that!
There's kids around!
388
00:13:00,584 --> 00:13:03,022
- Sorry.
[horn honks]
389
00:13:03,120 --> 00:13:05,757
- Has everybody lost their mind
today? What is going on?
390
00:13:05,856 --> 00:13:07,626
[phone rings]
Hello?
391
00:13:07,725 --> 00:13:09,361
Well, why can't you come in?
392
00:13:09,460 --> 00:13:10,695
Uh, not today, okay?
393
00:13:10,794 --> 00:13:12,397
You just come in
with your diarrhea.
394
00:13:12,496 --> 00:13:14,499
I don't care if it's coming out
of both ends.
395
00:13:14,598 --> 00:13:16,601
Half the teachers called in
sick today.
396
00:13:16,700 --> 00:13:19,704
You can shit all over the
school but I need you in here.
397
00:13:19,804 --> 00:13:21,005
Fine, I'm hanging up.
398
00:13:21,105 --> 00:13:23,275
Oh, hey, you! We need to talk.
399
00:13:23,374 --> 00:13:24,209
- Wh--what's up?
400
00:13:24,308 --> 00:13:25,804
- Listen, it's a crazy morning.
401
00:13:25,904 --> 00:13:27,679
I need you to teach history
class today.
402
00:13:27,772 --> 00:13:29,614
- Oh, I--I'm not certified
to teach.
403
00:13:29,713 --> 00:13:32,117
- Oh, I don't think you need
to be, as far as I know.
404
00:13:32,216 --> 00:13:33,385
- I mean, I'm pretty sure
you do.
405
00:13:33,484 --> 00:13:34,786
- No, no,
I'm positive you don't.
406
00:13:34,886 --> 00:13:36,088
I just need a warm body.
407
00:13:36,187 --> 00:13:37,789
Leave the bus running.
Go, go, go!
408
00:13:37,888 --> 00:13:40,125
- Uh, okay, you're the boss.
409
00:13:40,224 --> 00:13:41,927
[door opens]
Hi, kids.
410
00:13:42,026 --> 00:13:44,096
I'm filling in for Mrs. Yuhas
today.
411
00:13:44,194 --> 00:13:47,866
She has explosive diarrhea,
as I'm sure you all know.
412
00:13:47,965 --> 00:13:49,868
And if you don't,
she wanted you to know.
413
00:13:49,967 --> 00:13:52,905
- Um, are you qualified
to teach history?
414
00:13:53,003 --> 00:13:54,539
'Cause you're just
a bus driver.
415
00:13:54,638 --> 00:13:57,943
- Yasmine, history is
a lot like a bus.
416
00:13:58,042 --> 00:13:59,839
It just keeps on rollin'.
417
00:13:59,944 --> 00:14:01,013
- Okay.
418
00:14:01,112 --> 00:14:02,380
- Let's dive in. Where we at?
419
00:14:02,479 --> 00:14:04,715
- Oh, we're rehearsing
our presentations
420
00:14:04,809 --> 00:14:06,285
on great Americans
for History Week.
421
00:14:06,384 --> 00:14:08,587
Tom's up next.
- Oh, no. I'll go later.
422
00:14:08,686 --> 00:14:10,655
I'm not a big public speaker.
I get visibly nervous.
423
00:14:10,754 --> 00:14:13,993
- Tom, this is a safe space.
I'm sure you'll do great.
424
00:14:14,091 --> 00:14:17,396
- All right,
I guess we're all friends here.
425
00:14:17,495 --> 00:14:18,931
Um...
426
00:14:19,030 --> 00:14:21,500
"Christopher Columbus was
a great man who--"
427
00:14:21,599 --> 00:14:22,935
- Uh-uh, wrong.
428
00:14:23,034 --> 00:14:24,536
- I didn't say anything yet.
- You were lying.
429
00:14:24,634 --> 00:14:27,139
You said he was a great man,
and he was not.
430
00:14:27,238 --> 00:14:29,840
Columbus was a murderer
and a scoundrel.
431
00:14:29,934 --> 00:14:31,376
- Oh. I thought he sailed
the ocean blue.
432
00:14:31,475 --> 00:14:33,278
- Well, he did.
But when he got to shore,
433
00:14:33,377 --> 00:14:35,280
he raped and pillaged.
- Oh, no.
434
00:14:35,379 --> 00:14:37,081
Textbook didn't say anything
about raping and--
435
00:14:37,175 --> 00:14:40,352
- Yeah, well, the textbook,
it's full of lies, Tom.
436
00:14:40,451 --> 00:14:41,653
- Oh.
437
00:14:41,752 --> 00:14:43,388
- Kids, I'm not afraid to be
straight with you.
438
00:14:43,487 --> 00:14:45,357
I'm like Michelle Pfeiffer in
"Dangerous Minds."
439
00:14:45,456 --> 00:14:46,926
- That doesn't mean anything.
440
00:14:47,024 --> 00:14:48,660
- Your homework
tonight is to go home,
441
00:14:48,759 --> 00:14:51,964
burn your textbooks,
and ponder the fact that
442
00:14:52,063 --> 00:14:55,400
you are the descendants
of savages.
443
00:14:56,200 --> 00:14:58,270
- Dad, is there blood on
our hands because
444
00:14:58,369 --> 00:15:00,405
our ancestors slaughtered
thousands of people
445
00:15:00,504 --> 00:15:02,107
for this land?
- Woah.
446
00:15:02,205 --> 00:15:05,544
- Mom, is it true?
Do we rape and pillage?
447
00:15:05,643 --> 00:15:07,246
Did we rape and pillage?
448
00:15:07,344 --> 00:15:09,880
- Dad, are we the descendants
of savages?
449
00:15:09,980 --> 00:15:15,054
- Uh, yes, but why are they
teaching you that in school?
450
00:15:15,152 --> 00:15:16,455
[school bell rings]
451
00:15:16,554 --> 00:15:18,790
- Principal.
Principal, we need to talk.
452
00:15:18,888 --> 00:15:22,094
Get him out of here whatever--
let's break the door down.
453
00:15:22,193 --> 00:15:23,495
We're gonna break
the door down.
454
00:15:23,594 --> 00:15:24,729
We need to talk to him
right now.
455
00:15:24,829 --> 00:15:25,965
- Oh, Tom.
- Yeah?
456
00:15:26,063 --> 00:15:27,066
- What did you say
in history class
457
00:15:27,164 --> 00:15:28,532
that everybody's so furious?
458
00:15:28,632 --> 00:15:30,335
- Oh, no. It was the--
it was the bus driver.
459
00:15:30,434 --> 00:15:32,737
He was talking about
Columbus pillaging,
460
00:15:32,837 --> 00:15:34,206
raping people.
- What?
461
00:15:34,305 --> 00:15:35,936
- He said some crazy things
about, uh--
462
00:15:36,040 --> 00:15:37,342
- Okay, we can't blame him,
okay?
463
00:15:37,441 --> 00:15:39,311
- Can't blame him?
No, it was his fault.
464
00:15:39,404 --> 00:15:41,846
- I'm the one who let him teach
so this reflects poorly on me.
465
00:15:41,945 --> 00:15:44,683
If the word gets out, I'm done.
- How does that involve me?
466
00:15:44,781 --> 00:15:46,251
- Tom, you--you need to
take the fall.
467
00:15:46,350 --> 00:15:47,552
- No, no. Not again.
468
00:15:47,651 --> 00:15:49,088
[pounding on door]
- Principal!
469
00:15:49,186 --> 00:15:50,355
- If you're not gonna
take the hit,
470
00:15:50,454 --> 00:15:51,556
then hide in
the filing cabinet.
471
00:15:51,656 --> 00:15:52,791
- I'm not hiding.
472
00:15:52,885 --> 00:15:54,693
- Tom, do something good,
please!
473
00:15:54,792 --> 00:15:55,995
- Stop, stop.
- Tom.
474
00:15:56,093 --> 00:15:57,958
- Oh, my God. Help.
- [shushing]
475
00:15:58,062 --> 00:15:59,298
- Help.
476
00:15:59,396 --> 00:16:01,400
[door opens]
- Oh, there you are.
477
00:16:01,498 --> 00:16:03,068
After five hours of waiting.
478
00:16:03,167 --> 00:16:04,769
- Okay, hi, everybody.
479
00:16:04,868 --> 00:16:07,172
Listen, I know you're upset,
but I just wanted to say that
480
00:16:07,271 --> 00:16:10,943
one of our students made up
a crazy speech in class.
481
00:16:11,041 --> 00:16:13,245
But he is being reprimanded.
482
00:16:13,343 --> 00:16:15,447
- I heard it was
the bus driver.
483
00:16:15,546 --> 00:16:17,282
Why did you let him teach
our children?
484
00:16:17,380 --> 00:16:20,319
- Okay, we don't have time
for 8 million questions.
485
00:16:20,417 --> 00:16:21,786
- [groans]
- All I wanted let you know
486
00:16:21,885 --> 00:16:23,688
is that everything is
being taken care of.
487
00:16:23,787 --> 00:16:25,557
[filing cabinet thumps]
- Wait a minute.
488
00:16:25,656 --> 00:16:27,359
- Hey.
[filing cabinet thumps]
489
00:16:27,457 --> 00:16:28,593
Hey!
- Oh, shit.
490
00:16:28,692 --> 00:16:31,063
- Who is that?
- I'm locked up!
491
00:16:31,161 --> 00:16:32,531
I'm in the cabinet.
492
00:16:32,629 --> 00:16:34,066
[filing cabinet thumps]
Oh, thank God.
493
00:16:34,164 --> 00:16:35,067
Thanks for letting me out,
guys.
494
00:16:35,165 --> 00:16:36,335
- Wow.
495
00:16:36,433 --> 00:16:38,303
Stuffing a child
in a filing cabinet.
496
00:16:38,402 --> 00:16:40,772
Now this here is a new low.
497
00:16:40,871 --> 00:16:42,942
- I mean, I stuff Randy
in things all the time
498
00:16:43,041 --> 00:16:44,743
but I'm not the principal
of a school.
499
00:16:44,842 --> 00:16:47,546
- You, sir, are so done.
500
00:16:50,114 --> 00:16:51,416
- This is how it ends?
501
00:16:51,515 --> 00:16:54,319
The history teacher
gets exploding diarrhea,
502
00:16:54,418 --> 00:16:56,188
there's shit flying everywhere,
503
00:16:56,286 --> 00:16:57,822
and now I can't be
the principal.
504
00:16:57,921 --> 00:17:01,193
- Hey, hey, stop that.
You're beating yourself up.
505
00:17:01,291 --> 00:17:02,694
- I mean, the superintendent
of the school's
506
00:17:02,793 --> 00:17:04,396
gonna come to History Week,
okay?
507
00:17:04,495 --> 00:17:05,965
And then she is gonna fire me.
508
00:17:06,064 --> 00:17:07,266
- Hey, you know what you need?
509
00:17:07,365 --> 00:17:10,936
You need one of my famous
Coach pep talks.
510
00:17:11,035 --> 00:17:13,305
- No.
- Look at me.
511
00:17:13,403 --> 00:17:16,175
When the chips are down,
you need to pull yourself up.
512
00:17:16,273 --> 00:17:18,610
- Okay.
- Don't listen when people say
513
00:17:18,709 --> 00:17:21,613
you're a boob, or an idiot...
- Uh, what?
514
00:17:21,712 --> 00:17:24,516
- Don't listen when they say
they don't know how
515
00:17:24,615 --> 00:17:26,986
you could have possibly
gotten this job.
516
00:17:27,079 --> 00:17:28,587
- Wait, do people say that?
- Yeah.
517
00:17:28,686 --> 00:17:32,424
Don't listen when people
talk about that you smell.
518
00:17:32,523 --> 00:17:33,825
- Wait, what's wrong with
the way I smell?
519
00:17:33,924 --> 00:17:36,261
- Don't listen.
This is my whole point.
520
00:17:36,360 --> 00:17:37,862
When--when people are
talking about
521
00:17:37,961 --> 00:17:41,533
your very, very tiny penis--
- Oh, now that's just--
522
00:17:41,631 --> 00:17:43,135
who told you
I had a small penis?
523
00:17:43,234 --> 00:17:45,437
- A lot of people
are talking about it.
524
00:17:45,536 --> 00:17:47,439
- What do you mean?
Why would that even come up?
525
00:17:47,538 --> 00:17:49,108
- Somebody saw you in
the bathroom.
526
00:17:49,205 --> 00:17:51,776
It was a whole thing. But I'm
telling you not to listen.
527
00:17:51,876 --> 00:17:52,912
- What is happening here?
528
00:17:53,010 --> 00:17:54,413
- Little penis people have done
529
00:17:54,511 --> 00:17:57,549
a lot of great things
in the world.
530
00:17:57,647 --> 00:17:59,551
- Well--
- You've done great things.
531
00:17:59,650 --> 00:18:02,121
That's the truth of it.
- Well, that makes sense.
532
00:18:02,214 --> 00:18:05,157
- You have to wash this out of
your system like
533
00:18:05,255 --> 00:18:09,895
the diarrhea coming out of
that history teacher's asshole!
534
00:18:09,993 --> 00:18:12,898
- Wow. You know what, Coach?
Thank you so much.
535
00:18:12,996 --> 00:18:14,566
You seriously--
you got me fired up right now.
536
00:18:14,665 --> 00:18:16,468
You're the best. I feel great.
537
00:18:16,567 --> 00:18:18,137
I'm out of here.
Take care of this.
538
00:18:18,235 --> 00:18:19,771
- Take--take care of what?
539
00:18:19,870 --> 00:18:22,407
Uh, hold on a second.
[door slams]
540
00:18:22,506 --> 00:18:24,776
I think he's--
he's skipping out on the bill.
541
00:18:24,875 --> 00:18:27,079
- Were you talking about
small penises?
542
00:18:27,178 --> 00:18:29,714
- Uh--
- Weird conversation.
543
00:18:33,217 --> 00:18:35,087
[urinating]
544
00:18:35,186 --> 00:18:36,555
- Prin--principal?
- Hey, Tom.
545
00:18:36,653 --> 00:18:38,057
- What are you do--are you--
546
00:18:38,156 --> 00:18:39,058
you're not peeing on my house,
are you?
547
00:18:39,156 --> 00:18:40,492
- Oh, shut up, please.
548
00:18:40,591 --> 00:18:43,028
I thought I saw, like,
a cat come over here
549
00:18:43,127 --> 00:18:44,663
and I didn't know
what was going on.
550
00:18:44,762 --> 00:18:46,126
- You're literally--
I can hear it.
551
00:18:46,230 --> 00:18:47,732
You're peeing on my house
right now.
552
00:18:47,832 --> 00:18:49,034
- Tom, come on down here.
553
00:18:49,128 --> 00:18:50,130
I need you to meet me
in your kitchen.
554
00:18:50,234 --> 00:18:51,670
[zips]
555
00:18:51,768 --> 00:18:53,038
- All right. I feel like
I'll regret going downstairs
556
00:18:53,137 --> 00:18:55,207
but let's give it a shot.
557
00:18:55,305 --> 00:18:56,808
- This meatloaf is so good.
558
00:18:56,908 --> 00:18:58,277
- Oh, you just took
the meatloaf out?
559
00:18:58,375 --> 00:19:00,112
What are you doing?
- Holy shit.
560
00:19:00,211 --> 00:19:01,513
- No one said
you could eat that.
561
00:19:01,612 --> 00:19:03,448
- Usually meatloaf sucks
but this is, like, good.
562
00:19:03,547 --> 00:19:04,683
- Principal, are you okay?
563
00:19:04,781 --> 00:19:05,985
You seem a little
out of control.
564
00:19:06,084 --> 00:19:07,419
- Well, I have a favor to ask.
565
00:19:07,518 --> 00:19:09,088
- Oh, okay.
- You know your history speech
566
00:19:09,181 --> 00:19:10,555
about Christopher Columbus?
- Yeah.
567
00:19:10,654 --> 00:19:12,657
- Well, I need you to do it
about me.
568
00:19:12,756 --> 00:19:14,459
- Make the speech about you?
- Yes.
569
00:19:14,558 --> 00:19:16,795
- No, it's about great
Americans throughout history,
570
00:19:16,893 --> 00:19:19,664
not people like you.
- Tom, why can't you be nice?
571
00:19:19,763 --> 00:19:22,234
You're so--listen,
I've done a lot of good things.
572
00:19:22,333 --> 00:19:23,535
- You have?
- Yes.
573
00:19:23,634 --> 00:19:25,070
- Like what?
- How 'bout I just had
574
00:19:25,169 --> 00:19:26,871
a brand-new hot water heater
installed last year?
575
00:19:26,971 --> 00:19:28,507
- That sounds like routine
maintenance.
576
00:19:28,605 --> 00:19:29,774
- If you do your research,
you'll find out
577
00:19:29,874 --> 00:19:31,576
I've done plenty of
good things.
578
00:19:31,675 --> 00:19:33,345
- All right, you know what?
Let me do some research
579
00:19:33,438 --> 00:19:35,680
and I'll see what I find.
- I really appreciate this.
580
00:19:35,779 --> 00:19:38,083
And also just keep
this exchange, like, you know,
581
00:19:38,182 --> 00:19:41,353
just between us. You know,
parents are so sensitive.
582
00:19:41,452 --> 00:19:43,288
- Yeah, you start peeing on
people's houses,
583
00:19:43,387 --> 00:19:44,924
they're all up in arms.
584
00:19:45,021 --> 00:19:46,725
- "Oh, did you hear the
principal peed on Tom's house?
585
00:19:46,824 --> 00:19:48,460
He should be held accountable
for that."
586
00:19:48,558 --> 00:19:50,829
It's a crazy time
we're living in.
587
00:19:50,928 --> 00:19:52,898
[school bell rings]
588
00:19:54,231 --> 00:19:56,468
- Hey, there, kiddo.
- Hey.
589
00:19:56,567 --> 00:19:57,937
Who are you?
- The librarian.
590
00:19:58,036 --> 00:20:00,005
- Oh, okay.
- So what can I do for you?
591
00:20:00,104 --> 00:20:01,273
- Do for me? Nothing, I'm good.
592
00:20:01,372 --> 00:20:02,908
I, uh--doing a research report.
593
00:20:03,006 --> 00:20:06,611
- Now come on, want me.
All I want, I wanna be wanted.
594
00:20:06,710 --> 00:20:09,114
- I don't really need help.
- Nobody needs me anymore.
595
00:20:09,212 --> 00:20:12,417
Like a piece of dog shit on
the bottom of some kid's shoe.
596
00:20:12,517 --> 00:20:13,852
- Got sad quickly.
597
00:20:13,950 --> 00:20:15,620
Uh, listen, I could actually
use some help.
598
00:20:15,719 --> 00:20:17,622
I--I need information on
the principal.
599
00:20:17,721 --> 00:20:20,359
- Oh, I got some messed up
stuff on that asshole.
600
00:20:20,458 --> 00:20:21,626
- Oh, really? Like--like what?
601
00:20:21,725 --> 00:20:23,162
- You wanna know
what he's done?
602
00:20:23,255 --> 00:20:24,663
- Yeah.
- Come here. Sit on my lap.
603
00:20:24,763 --> 00:20:25,764
- Okay. Why not?
604
00:20:25,863 --> 00:20:27,532
- Sit on
the old librarian's lap, huh?
605
00:20:27,631 --> 00:20:29,034
- All right.
- Yeah, that feels good.
606
00:20:29,133 --> 00:20:30,869
That's very nice.
- That is kinda nice, actually.
607
00:20:30,968 --> 00:20:32,504
- Hey, you ready for this?
- Let's hear it.
608
00:20:32,603 --> 00:20:35,074
- [indistinct whispering]
609
00:20:35,167 --> 00:20:36,408
- Okay.
- [indistinct whispering]
610
00:20:36,507 --> 00:20:38,443
- A squirrel?
- [indistinct whispering]
611
00:20:38,542 --> 00:20:40,812
- Meatball sub?
- Yeah. [indistinct whispering]
612
00:20:40,911 --> 00:20:43,148
- Put it down his pants.
- [indistinct whispering]
613
00:20:43,242 --> 00:20:44,917
- He nailed Randy's mom?
- I'm telling ya.
614
00:20:45,016 --> 00:20:46,785
- This is--
this stuff is all true?
615
00:20:46,883 --> 00:20:48,853
- If the librarian says it
to you, you know it's true.
616
00:20:48,952 --> 00:20:51,756
- Wow, this changes everything.
I'm glad we talked.
617
00:20:51,856 --> 00:20:53,392
- Can I tell you
one other thing?
618
00:20:53,490 --> 00:20:55,194
- Yeah?
- The Dewey Decimal System?
619
00:20:55,292 --> 00:20:56,695
It's a bunch of bullshit.
620
00:20:56,794 --> 00:20:58,964
- Not sure what to do with that
but thank you.
621
00:21:01,065 --> 00:21:01,967
- Tom?
- Yeah?
622
00:21:02,066 --> 00:21:03,302
- You okay?
623
00:21:03,400 --> 00:21:04,636
- Oh, man, I just learned
some crazy stuff.
624
00:21:04,735 --> 00:21:06,138
- Lay it on me.
- Did you know that
625
00:21:06,237 --> 00:21:09,269
the principal once killed
a guy at a PTA meeting?
626
00:21:09,373 --> 00:21:10,642
- What? Really?
627
00:21:10,740 --> 00:21:11,977
- He killed a guy with
a meatball sub.
628
00:21:12,076 --> 00:21:13,612
He beat him to death.
- [stammering]
629
00:21:13,712 --> 00:21:15,275
In full view of other people?
630
00:21:15,379 --> 00:21:16,581
- There's not--there's more.
631
00:21:16,680 --> 00:21:18,083
You know our mascot,
the Squirrels?
632
00:21:18,182 --> 00:21:19,151
You know how that came to be?
633
00:21:19,250 --> 00:21:20,585
- Uh, no?
634
00:21:20,684 --> 00:21:22,821
- He kept a squirrel
down his pants
635
00:21:22,919 --> 00:21:25,024
for the greater part of
his teenage years.
636
00:21:25,122 --> 00:21:26,691
- Wait, what? A squirrel?
637
00:21:26,790 --> 00:21:28,327
- And I'm sorry you have to
learn it this way,
638
00:21:28,420 --> 00:21:30,495
but I'm also being told that
Randy is his son.
639
00:21:30,595 --> 00:21:32,364
- Wait, what?
640
00:21:32,462 --> 00:21:34,066
- The principal is your dad.
641
00:21:34,165 --> 00:21:35,968
- Hold on. What?
642
00:21:36,066 --> 00:21:38,103
- I'm sorry to just tell you
on the bus like this, but yeah.
643
00:21:38,201 --> 00:21:42,107
- Just tell me on a bus
in front of all of our peers?
644
00:21:42,201 --> 00:21:44,076
- Randy
is his illegitimate son.
645
00:21:44,175 --> 00:21:45,911
- What the fuck?
- Tom.
646
00:21:46,009 --> 00:21:48,413
You need to mention all of this
at the history event.
647
00:21:48,512 --> 00:21:49,814
- Oh, no, oh, no.
That's inappropriate.
648
00:21:49,914 --> 00:21:51,311
- You gotta set the record
straight.
649
00:21:51,415 --> 00:21:52,651
- No, this is just bus talk.
- Why?
650
00:21:52,749 --> 00:21:54,386
People do it all the time
at the Oscars.
651
00:21:54,485 --> 00:21:56,721
- Really? You can just get up
and start flappin' your lips?
652
00:21:56,820 --> 00:21:58,924
- Absolutely.
When you're handed a mic,
653
00:21:59,022 --> 00:22:02,127
it's like society's saying
"I wanna hear what you think."
654
00:22:02,226 --> 00:22:04,496
- It's tempting.
Bus driver, what do you think?
655
00:22:04,595 --> 00:22:06,398
- All things considered, Tom,
656
00:22:06,496 --> 00:22:09,329
I'm trying to ease up on
the weighing in.
657
00:22:09,433 --> 00:22:12,237
It never seems to end well.
658
00:22:13,103 --> 00:22:14,506
- Hey, thanks for coming out,
folks.
659
00:22:14,606 --> 00:22:16,008
I really appreciate it.
660
00:22:16,106 --> 00:22:17,337
- Dipshit.
661
00:22:17,442 --> 00:22:18,911
- Okay, great.
662
00:22:19,008 --> 00:22:21,813
Let's--let's give a nice,
warm welcome to Mrs. Yuhas.
663
00:22:21,913 --> 00:22:23,548
[applause]
- Thank you, thank you.
664
00:22:23,647 --> 00:22:26,485
- She's back after
a terrible bout with diarrhea.
665
00:22:26,583 --> 00:22:28,053
- Uh--
- And it sounds like
666
00:22:28,151 --> 00:22:31,390
it was just shootin' out of
her butthole and ugh.
667
00:22:31,488 --> 00:22:32,925
- Why do you--
- Sorry.
668
00:22:33,023 --> 00:22:34,593
- Okay, yeah, I don't think
you had to mention that.
669
00:22:34,691 --> 00:22:36,528
- But anyway, welcome back.
You look great.
670
00:22:36,628 --> 00:22:38,197
[scattered applause]
671
00:22:38,295 --> 00:22:39,498
Anyway, we're all here for
672
00:22:39,597 --> 00:22:41,300
the kids' speeches on
great Americans.
673
00:22:41,399 --> 00:22:43,068
Our first one is about,
674
00:22:43,167 --> 00:22:46,171
well, someone I guess
we all know and love.
675
00:22:46,270 --> 00:22:48,307
So, Tom, take it away.
676
00:22:48,406 --> 00:22:51,076
[applause]
- Thank you. Thank you.
677
00:22:51,175 --> 00:22:53,712
You know, I was actually gonna
make my speech about
678
00:22:53,812 --> 00:22:55,047
our very own principal.
679
00:22:55,146 --> 00:22:56,781
- [chuckling] Okay!
680
00:22:56,881 --> 00:22:58,350
- And then I learned what
a awful,
681
00:22:58,448 --> 00:23:00,885
disgusting
freak of a man he is.
682
00:23:00,985 --> 00:23:02,121
- Wait, what?
683
00:23:02,219 --> 00:23:04,323
- Here's the truth.
Here's what I've learned.
684
00:23:04,422 --> 00:23:05,890
He murdered the old principal.
685
00:23:05,990 --> 00:23:07,559
[crowd gasps]
686
00:23:07,658 --> 00:23:08,994
- Okay, that's simply not true.
687
00:23:09,093 --> 00:23:10,695
- He literally murdered
the old principal.
688
00:23:10,794 --> 00:23:12,464
That's how he got the job.
- I did not do that.
689
00:23:12,563 --> 00:23:14,366
- And, uh, hate to say it
in this environment,
690
00:23:14,465 --> 00:23:16,601
but Randy is
his illegitimate son.
691
00:23:16,700 --> 00:23:18,537
- Wait, what?
- Not true.
692
00:23:18,636 --> 00:23:20,372
- Makes me sick just imagining
693
00:23:20,465 --> 00:23:22,507
the principal squeezing
my mom's butt!
694
00:23:22,606 --> 00:23:24,776
- This is a lot right now,
okay?
695
00:23:24,875 --> 00:23:26,311
- Sorry. I'm sorry I had to
bring it up here.
696
00:23:26,410 --> 00:23:27,879
I just wanted to use this forum
697
00:23:27,979 --> 00:23:29,714
to, uh, to make my views known.
698
00:23:29,813 --> 00:23:31,850
- I'm reporting you to
the school board,
699
00:23:31,949 --> 00:23:33,285
and I should've done it before.
700
00:23:33,384 --> 00:23:35,020
- Please, everybody, please--
701
00:23:35,114 --> 00:23:36,621
- Here's a better idea.
702
00:23:36,721 --> 00:23:39,224
Let's burn his office down!
703
00:23:39,323 --> 00:23:40,392
- Oh, yeah, I'm in.
704
00:23:40,491 --> 00:23:42,061
- I agree. I'm in on that.
705
00:23:42,160 --> 00:23:43,423
- Okay, listen, listen.
706
00:23:43,527 --> 00:23:46,565
No one's burning anything.
- Follow me!
707
00:23:46,663 --> 00:23:49,001
You ever see the movie
"Frankenstein"?
708
00:23:49,094 --> 00:23:51,336
You've gotta be in a mob!
709
00:23:51,435 --> 00:23:52,404
[flames crackling]
710
00:23:52,502 --> 00:23:53,605
- Wow, watch it burn.
711
00:23:53,705 --> 00:23:54,773
- You did it, Tom.
712
00:23:54,872 --> 00:23:56,408
I'm proud of you.
- Thank you.
713
00:23:56,507 --> 00:23:58,810
- You know how long I been
waiting to say that? A year.
714
00:23:58,910 --> 00:24:00,112
- Tom!
- Oh, there he is.
715
00:24:00,211 --> 00:24:01,613
- Why would you say
those things?
716
00:24:01,713 --> 00:24:02,881
None of them were true.
717
00:24:02,980 --> 00:24:04,249
- Come on.
You can admit it now.
718
00:24:04,348 --> 00:24:05,384
- Where'd you get
that stuff from?
719
00:24:05,484 --> 00:24:06,851
- The librarian.
720
00:24:06,951 --> 00:24:08,753
- Who?
- Our school librarian.
721
00:24:08,852 --> 00:24:10,990
- Tom, we do not have
a librarian.
722
00:24:11,088 --> 00:24:12,857
- The librarian!
Right over there!
723
00:24:12,957 --> 00:24:14,526
There he is. Hey, librarian.
724
00:24:14,619 --> 00:24:16,828
- Don't tell me to calm down.
You calm down!
725
00:24:16,927 --> 00:24:19,598
You calm down! What, you think
you're better than me?
726
00:24:19,697 --> 00:24:20,933
You're not better than me.
727
00:24:21,032 --> 00:24:23,868
- Tom, that's
the janitor's father.
728
00:24:23,968 --> 00:24:25,370
- The what?
- The guy is--
729
00:24:25,464 --> 00:24:26,972
has serious mental problems.
- Oh, no.
730
00:24:27,070 --> 00:24:29,608
- Yeah, I let him sleep in
the library sometimes
731
00:24:29,708 --> 00:24:31,610
because it's warm.
732
00:24:31,708 --> 00:24:33,278
- Now I feel a little--
- Stupid?
733
00:24:33,377 --> 00:24:35,547
- A little bit.
- Tom, you should feel bad.
734
00:24:35,646 --> 00:24:37,016
Now you're always gonna be
remembered as
735
00:24:37,115 --> 00:24:39,551
the kid who burned
my office down.
736
00:24:40,884 --> 00:24:42,955
- I mean, compared
to the kid who
737
00:24:43,054 --> 00:24:44,623
pooped his pants at baseball,
738
00:24:44,721 --> 00:24:46,258
that's, like, a step in
the right direction.
739
00:24:46,357 --> 00:24:48,488
- ? Remember
there's more road ?
740
00:24:48,592 --> 00:24:50,562
? And places to go ?
741
00:24:50,661 --> 00:24:52,597
? And patterns
to contemplate ?
742
00:24:52,696 --> 00:24:54,299
? More people to fornicate ?
743
00:24:54,398 --> 00:24:57,469
? And remember
there's a lot of good omens ?
744
00:24:57,568 --> 00:24:59,171
? Supplying the proof ?
745
00:24:59,270 --> 00:25:02,502
? That our life
is the best joke ever told ?
746
00:25:02,606 --> 00:25:07,012
? Remember it's a joke
and leave it alone ?
747
00:25:07,110 --> 00:25:11,150
? Let go and try to be
always abiding ?
748
00:25:11,247 --> 00:25:15,120
? Remember if there's
one good reason for dying ?
749
00:25:15,219 --> 00:25:17,517
? The sweet silver lining ?
750
00:25:17,621 --> 00:25:19,491
? Through you she lives on ?
751
00:25:19,590 --> 00:25:23,462
? And therein lies a truth
we can sip when we want ?
752
00:25:23,560 --> 00:25:27,599
? Disciples of the flow,
we can float anywhere ?
753
00:25:27,697 --> 00:25:31,603
? If ever there's a drought,
I've listed the puddles ?
754
00:25:31,653 --> 00:25:36,203
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