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1
00:00:44,560 --> 00:00:47,760
Are you ready? I'm ready!
2
00:00:47,760 --> 00:00:54,700
I never like spending
too much time here. You never know
where his ferrets are.
3
00:00:59,800 --> 00:01:03,880
Why do you think
I'm wearing bicycle clips?
4
00:01:06,100 --> 00:01:11,940
How can you live in this place?
It's got the best view in town.
5
00:01:11,940 --> 00:01:15,080
What of? Nora Batty.
6
00:01:32,140 --> 00:01:34,840
Have you got a minute?
7
00:01:34,840 --> 00:01:37,880
I say, are you there?
8
00:01:37,880 --> 00:01:40,980
Have you got a minute?
9
00:01:40,980 --> 00:01:46,700
Has he got a minute!
He's never had anything else.
10
00:01:49,400 --> 00:01:52,000
Are you there?
11
00:01:52,000 --> 00:01:58,180
LOUD RAPPING ON DOOR
I think there's someone
at the door.
12
00:01:58,180 --> 00:02:02,200
There's someone at your door.
Who?
13
00:02:02,200 --> 00:02:05,080
How do WE know?
14
00:02:05,080 --> 00:02:08,180
Well, find out. Go and find out.
15
00:02:09,760 --> 00:02:12,780
Why me? You heard it first.
16
00:02:15,080 --> 00:02:19,120
RAPPING CONTINUES
17
00:02:20,040 --> 00:02:22,860
Aaghhh!
18
00:02:23,560 --> 00:02:26,860
Who is it? It's a clothes prop.
19
00:02:31,120 --> 00:02:34,260
It's Nora Batty.
20
00:02:36,360 --> 00:02:41,240
I think she wants to see him.
What's all the hurry?
21
00:02:41,240 --> 00:02:46,760
Nora Batty's outside.
She wants to see you. Nora Batty ?!
22
00:02:46,760 --> 00:02:49,400
TUMBLING DOWNSTAIRS
23
00:02:49,400 --> 00:02:52,380
What's all the hurry, he says!
24
00:02:52,980 --> 00:02:55,900
Nora Batty askin' for me ?!
25
00:02:57,920 --> 00:03:00,960
Listen, is my hat on straight?
26
00:03:00,960 --> 00:03:06,160
Are you coming?
I'm coming, petal, I'm coming.
27
00:03:06,160 --> 00:03:13,520
Suddenly, it's Speedy Gonzales.
Something else to worry about
up your trouser leg.
28
00:03:13,520 --> 00:03:21,100
Give it here, lass. It's no bother.
I've told thee afore.
Tha only has to ask.
29
00:03:21,100 --> 00:03:25,880
Do it then,
instead of bragging about it.
30
00:03:25,880 --> 00:03:31,920
She's got a wicked tongue
on her. Drives me wild, she does!
31
00:03:31,920 --> 00:03:34,740
Oh, get on with it!
32
00:03:39,400 --> 00:03:41,320
Oh...
33
00:03:41,320 --> 00:03:44,380
Just the chap.
34
00:03:47,020 --> 00:03:49,420
Here!
35
00:03:49,420 --> 00:03:53,540
Ye Gods!
Is she putting me on a lead now?
36
00:03:53,540 --> 00:03:58,540
It's the clothes line.
Just tie it to the post.
37
00:04:08,040 --> 00:04:11,120
Is that the proper knot?
38
00:04:11,120 --> 00:04:14,080
It's a better knot than YOU tied.
39
00:04:14,080 --> 00:04:16,980
Great long twit!
40
00:04:16,980 --> 00:04:21,740
I'm glad somebody
can do something around here.
41
00:04:50,440 --> 00:04:53,520
There's no need to go to pieces.
42
00:04:53,520 --> 00:04:58,900
She thinks I'm useless.
Sounds reasonable to me.
43
00:04:58,900 --> 00:05:04,960
It's only because he's taller.
Exactly! The sneaky swine!
44
00:05:04,960 --> 00:05:12,620
It's unfair competition.
Him lodgin' next door with my bird,
an' walking about tall !
45
00:05:13,200 --> 00:05:16,180
Yes, well...enough of that.
46
00:05:17,680 --> 00:05:20,720
What are we going to do today?
47
00:05:20,720 --> 00:05:23,700
'Very little' sounds attractive.
48
00:05:23,700 --> 00:05:29,680
I'm goin' to sit here and sulk.
What, all day? Probably.
49
00:05:29,680 --> 00:05:34,940
Oh, that's major sulking -
heavy duty sulking.
50
00:05:37,380 --> 00:05:45,300
I daren't face her.
She thinks I'm some little twit
who can't reach her clothes post.
51
00:05:45,960 --> 00:05:53,920
Yes, but you see...that's because
you're some little twit
who can't reach her clothes post.
52
00:05:53,920 --> 00:06:01,940
Height isn't everything.
You could make up for your lack
of it with athletic ability.
53
00:06:01,940 --> 00:06:07,980
Suppose you were to jump nimbly
and gracefully onto the wall,
54
00:06:07,980 --> 00:06:12,720
then you could reach
her clothes post.
55
00:06:15,720 --> 00:06:18,760
I could, Norm.
56
00:06:18,760 --> 00:06:26,220
How are you fixed
for nimbly and gracefully?
You'd better stick to sulking.
57
00:06:31,280 --> 00:06:38,420
Haven't you stopped that bit
of a drip yet?
It's a bit of a squeeze here.
58
00:06:38,420 --> 00:06:44,020
I've never known anybody
more ill-at-ease under a sink!
59
00:06:45,460 --> 00:06:50,900
I suggest you learn
to vault casually on to the wall.
60
00:06:50,900 --> 00:06:56,200
Make it look stylish.
Maximum swank. Vault?
61
00:06:56,200 --> 00:07:03,160
Sounds a bit like 'fault' to me.
Maybe it's a warning.
How do he mean - vault?
62
00:07:03,160 --> 00:07:10,240
You know what I mean.
One hand on the wall
and swing your legs up.
63
00:07:10,240 --> 00:07:17,920
And try to whistle
while you're doing it.
That should be even more effective.
64
00:07:17,920 --> 00:07:22,220
TINNY WHISTLE
65
00:07:28,920 --> 00:07:31,700
Geronimo!
66
00:07:37,920 --> 00:07:43,120
That reminds me. I must get
my bicycle seat adjusted.
67
00:07:50,720 --> 00:07:53,760
Why are you walking funny?
68
00:07:53,760 --> 00:07:56,840
In what way am I walking funny?
69
00:07:56,840 --> 00:07:59,900
Your knees are too close together.
70
00:07:59,900 --> 00:08:04,880
They're supposed to be
fairly close together.
71
00:08:04,880 --> 00:08:12,120
You can't have knees
too far apart. It could alter
your whole personality.
72
00:08:19,100 --> 00:08:22,840
You're walkin' as if you're sore
from summat.
73
00:08:22,840 --> 00:08:30,220
You've been cycling, haven't you?
You've been cycling
out of wedlock!
74
00:08:30,220 --> 00:08:34,780
I don't know what you mean,
walking funny.
75
00:08:39,780 --> 00:08:43,940
That's what I mean,
walking funny!
76
00:08:55,880 --> 00:08:58,400
What's wrong with HIM ?
77
00:08:59,760 --> 00:09:02,760
He's just a bit winded.
78
00:09:03,960 --> 00:09:06,480
Aye, and the wrong bit.
79
00:09:07,880 --> 00:09:15,800
He'll be alright in a minute.
Just a miscalculation with a wall.
How did he "miscalculate" a wall?
80
00:09:15,800 --> 00:09:18,700
Nimbly and gracefully.
81
00:09:19,960 --> 00:09:28,840
He got it wrong, of course.
But it's only his first attempt.
Aye, that feels better, Norm.
82
00:09:28,840 --> 00:09:36,180
You can pack that in!
That kind of thing is not fit
for a catering establishment.
83
00:09:38,000 --> 00:09:40,840
Oh...!
84
00:09:42,200 --> 00:09:45,320
You see what I mean ?!
85
00:09:45,320 --> 00:09:51,960
Wavin' your legs about!
Them trousers are not fit
for wavin' about!
86
00:10:26,623 --> 00:10:29,703
CHOPPING NOISES
87
00:10:29,703 --> 00:10:35,423
What's he doin'? Oh, I expect
it's karate or something.
88
00:10:35,423 --> 00:10:41,163
Maybe he's still searchin'
for Japanese snipers.
89
00:10:41,163 --> 00:10:44,183
Well, you can't be too careful.
90
00:10:44,183 --> 00:10:48,283
It's good to get your breath back.
I can understand that.
91
00:10:48,283 --> 00:10:52,343
I think I've finished
vaulting on walls, Norm.
92
00:10:52,343 --> 00:10:53,903
Not necessarily.
93
00:10:53,903 --> 00:10:57,183
Not necessarily.
94
00:10:57,183 --> 00:11:00,243
I'll say that again, Norman.
95
00:11:00,243 --> 00:11:04,003
I've finished vaulting on walls.
96
00:11:04,003 --> 00:11:09,283
Hand-vaulting, yes, little person.
But what about pole-vaulting?
97
00:11:09,283 --> 00:11:13,703
Me wife ran off
with a chuffin' Pole!
98
00:11:13,703 --> 00:11:19,343
Well, there you are, you see?
Previous experience.
99
00:11:22,423 --> 00:11:30,043
What do I have to learn
pole-vaulting for? Because you're
not very good at hand-vaulting.
100
00:11:30,043 --> 00:11:34,123
That's true.
Made a right bodge of it.
101
00:11:34,123 --> 00:11:41,063
Give me one good reason
why I should take up pole-vaulting.
Because...
102
00:11:41,063 --> 00:11:45,823
You'll be able to pick up
Nora's clothes prop,
103
00:11:45,823 --> 00:11:50,923
and use it to pole-vault
yourself up onto the wall.
104
00:11:50,923 --> 00:11:57,003
She'll be thinking
what elegance,
what grace of movement, what skill.
105
00:11:57,003 --> 00:12:03,003
What a muffin!
It sounds good to me.
I like it. I like it.
106
00:12:03,003 --> 00:12:10,363
Of course. Foggy knows best.
Now, just balance the pole.
Get the feel of it.
107
00:12:10,363 --> 00:12:13,363
Not bad. You could be a natural.
108
00:12:13,363 --> 00:12:21,283
I could be a natural, Norm.
You could be an idiot.
Try one or two easy little vaults.
109
00:12:21,283 --> 00:12:28,263
Nothing tricky for starters.
I wouldn't even try
tricky for finishes.
110
00:12:28,263 --> 00:12:33,203
What do I do?
You hold the pole comfortably.
111
00:12:33,203 --> 00:12:40,483
You run with it,
then you stick it in the ground
and you...vault.
112
00:12:40,483 --> 00:12:48,303
How do I hold it? Like this.
Yes. Don't you think he looks good?
You're power mad, Foggy!
113
00:12:48,303 --> 00:12:51,423
Well, you can't fight your destiny.
114
00:12:51,423 --> 00:12:57,943
Right, in your own time.
Let pole-vaulting begin.
Geronimo!
115
00:13:04,083 --> 00:13:06,523
What grace.
116
00:13:06,523 --> 00:13:09,143
What elegance.
117
00:13:24,083 --> 00:13:27,043
It's a perfect place.
118
00:13:27,043 --> 00:13:34,963
There's plenty of room,
and soft straw to land on.
Looks alright, Norm. Can't be bad.
119
00:13:34,963 --> 00:13:42,143
I must admit
it seems relatively hazard-free.
Of course it is!
120
00:13:42,143 --> 00:13:47,143
Here! Get the feel of the pole.
Find the point of balance.
121
00:13:47,143 --> 00:13:53,143
Then swing it about
until it feels like part of you.
122
00:13:55,423 --> 00:14:02,023
You think things are hazard free.
Steady on.
You could have injured someone.
123
00:14:02,023 --> 00:14:07,723
NOW he's worried. He never worries
when I'M getting injured.
124
00:14:07,723 --> 00:14:10,503
Of course we worry.
125
00:14:10,503 --> 00:14:13,783
Don't we? Of course we worry.
126
00:14:14,983 --> 00:14:22,303
Right! That's your target.
There's your landing ground.
It's better than six mattresses.
127
00:14:22,303 --> 00:14:26,883
I suggest you start your run
from over here.
128
00:14:26,883 --> 00:14:32,303
And try not to get the pole
between your legs this time.
129
00:14:32,303 --> 00:14:37,583
Now, what is the aim
of this exercise? Em...
130
00:14:39,083 --> 00:14:47,023
Yes, well, the aim of the exercise
is to do a nifty jump as high as
you can go, and land on the straw.
131
00:14:50,043 --> 00:14:56,223
And the best of luck.
Nothing to it, Norm.
It'll be softer than grass.
132
00:14:56,223 --> 00:15:02,023
I don't like it. What?
I don't know. I just don't like it.
133
00:15:02,023 --> 00:15:06,603
Good heavens, man,
I've checked everything.
134
00:15:06,603 --> 00:15:14,383
I've got him holding the pole
better, he's got something soft
to land on...
135
00:15:14,383 --> 00:15:19,203
I've done everything
for his safety. Right!
136
00:15:19,203 --> 00:15:21,663
Begin!
137
00:15:24,063 --> 00:15:26,103
Phew!
138
00:15:26,103 --> 00:15:33,083
No, no, no.
Let's get a bit more effort in it.
A bit more height in it.
139
00:15:33,083 --> 00:15:37,983
I need a longer run.
Very well, take a longer run.
140
00:15:44,203 --> 00:15:46,983
Don't forget to write (!)
141
00:15:53,423 --> 00:15:56,103
How long a run does he want?
142
00:15:59,763 --> 00:16:02,823
I think I can hear him coming.
143
00:16:24,663 --> 00:16:32,343
They've already brought him in
once this morning.
Hardly able to walk, he was.
144
00:16:32,343 --> 00:16:36,303
It'll be one of them
new health fads.
145
00:16:36,303 --> 00:16:42,283
- He didn't look so damn healthy.
- They're all at it, keepin' fit.
146
00:16:42,283 --> 00:16:49,443
No good comes at their age
from keepin' fit.
Well, it won't last.
147
00:16:49,443 --> 00:16:53,303
I should think he's had enough
of it already.
148
00:17:01,903 --> 00:17:04,983
Come on then. Over here.
149
00:17:06,703 --> 00:17:09,703
Come on. Sit yourself down.
150
00:17:11,723 --> 00:17:17,623
Aagh! What's up with him now?
Is that Nora Batty?
151
00:17:17,623 --> 00:17:20,263
Tell me it's Nora Batty,
152
00:17:20,263 --> 00:17:25,343
otherwise I've got wrinkles
in front of me eyes.
153
00:17:25,343 --> 00:17:27,683
Ohhh!
154
00:17:39,103 --> 00:17:43,703
Oh, Howard!
Oh, Marina!
155
00:17:43,703 --> 00:17:49,943
I think we've really cracked it
this time. The perfect disguise.
156
00:17:49,943 --> 00:17:57,543
Ooh, Howard!
You're not just small and sexy,
but you're diabolically clever.
157
00:17:57,543 --> 00:18:00,563
I wouldn't say diabolically.
158
00:18:14,643 --> 00:18:19,103
This is what I call
a perfect English scene.
159
00:18:37,463 --> 00:18:40,383
What a place to leave a pole!
160
00:18:55,823 --> 00:18:58,343
I'm finished!
161
00:18:58,343 --> 00:19:03,143
You WILL be finished
if you break that crockery!
162
00:19:03,143 --> 00:19:09,063
I've had enough.
Pole-vaulting is out!
Done! Finished!
163
00:19:09,063 --> 00:19:14,003
I think he's trying to tell you
that he's finished.
164
00:19:14,003 --> 00:19:21,423
You can't finish now.
Tha's nearly killed me twice.
Rubbish! A few bruises.
165
00:19:21,423 --> 00:19:28,943
A few? If I were naked,
I'd look like a black pudding
in wellies.
166
00:19:31,423 --> 00:19:35,383
My word.
What a terrible thought.
167
00:19:37,723 --> 00:19:43,763
I WAS going to have a sausage roll,
but I don't think I'll bother now.
168
00:19:43,763 --> 00:19:51,023
Well, I'm disappointed in you.
If Nora Batty's not worth
a few bruises...
169
00:19:51,023 --> 00:19:55,563
But it's not getting me
any nearer to Nora Batty, is it?
170
00:19:55,563 --> 00:20:01,883
Of course it is.
That's where it's heading.
You've cracked the worst bit.
171
00:20:01,883 --> 00:20:04,763
Your bruises are behind you.
172
00:20:08,303 --> 00:20:12,783
Behind you, in front of you,
all around you.
173
00:20:14,563 --> 00:20:17,523
You're getting the hang of it now.
174
00:20:17,523 --> 00:20:24,603
You should have seen yourself
at the farm. You were magnificent!
Ask Clegg.
175
00:20:29,143 --> 00:20:34,563
Was I magnificent, Norm?
In flight, you were magnificent.
176
00:20:34,563 --> 00:20:37,223
The landing was a bit yuk.
177
00:20:37,223 --> 00:20:42,303
That could happen to anybody.
Why does it always happen to me ?!
178
00:20:42,303 --> 00:20:47,303
Because you are going to impress
Nora Batty. Listen...
179
00:20:47,303 --> 00:20:54,303
I'm not one to give advice
to black puddings, but are you sure
you want to continue with this?
180
00:20:54,303 --> 00:20:57,503
Are you lot still here? Aaagh!
181
00:21:18,983 --> 00:21:21,543
There we are.
182
00:21:21,543 --> 00:21:29,003
I mean, what a thing to bring into
a catering establishment.
A damn great pole!
183
00:21:29,003 --> 00:21:33,543
I thought they were Ukranian
round here?
184
00:21:34,863 --> 00:21:38,723
Not that kind of Pole.
No.
185
00:21:38,723 --> 00:21:41,663
A great, long, wooden thing.
186
00:21:41,663 --> 00:21:46,723
Foggy Dewhurst.
He brought it in.
187
00:21:46,723 --> 00:21:52,383
What did they want with a pole
in a cafe?
You tell ME.
188
00:21:52,383 --> 00:21:57,883
It's no good looking for sense.
Mine's gone fishing.
189
00:21:57,883 --> 00:22:03,063
North Pole, I think, judging by
the clothes he was wearing.
190
00:22:03,063 --> 00:22:08,023
Maybe that's what it was.
Maybe it was a fishing pole.
191
00:22:08,023 --> 00:22:12,663
It certainly had three right maggots
on the end of it.
192
00:22:13,343 --> 00:22:19,303
They pick up such weird things.
Mine certainly does.
193
00:22:19,303 --> 00:22:24,303
You hear about women goin' through
their husband's pockets.
194
00:22:24,303 --> 00:22:31,023
All I ever found was fuse wire
and a set of feeler gauges.
195
00:22:32,903 --> 00:22:39,083
My Wally used to carry
little titbits
for his favourite pigeons.
196
00:22:39,083 --> 00:22:45,883
My Syd always had
a couple of toffees...
all covered in tobacco and fluff.
197
00:22:45,883 --> 00:22:50,123
Always two toffees,
covered in tobacco and fluff.
198
00:22:50,123 --> 00:22:55,003
Barry's orderly with pockets.
It could be a bluff.
199
00:22:55,003 --> 00:23:00,023
He never overloads his pockets.
He doesn't care
for unsightly bulges.
200
00:23:03,103 --> 00:23:10,423
Will you be quiet, girl !
You weren't brought up
to discuss unsightly bulges.
201
00:23:25,863 --> 00:23:30,903
Someone's going to be very stiff
in the morning.
202
00:23:30,903 --> 00:23:35,843
Why should we be stiff?
Not us. Him.
203
00:23:35,843 --> 00:23:38,443
Oh, him!
204
00:23:38,443 --> 00:23:46,183
Well, he's bound to be stiff
if he keeps running into walls
and falling on things.
205
00:23:46,183 --> 00:23:50,723
I was never really adept at sports.
Even at school.
206
00:23:50,723 --> 00:23:55,783
I always felt that I should've run
the three-legged race solo.
207
00:23:55,783 --> 00:23:59,783
He was pretty nimble at school,
wasn't he?
208
00:23:59,783 --> 00:24:02,843
Especially with his mouth.
209
00:24:02,843 --> 00:24:10,363
You daren't ever let him hear
the rustle of a bag of sweets.
He nearly ate Shirley Cawthorne.
210
00:24:10,363 --> 00:24:15,703
Every playtime.
It was embarrassing.
211
00:24:16,223 --> 00:24:21,043
Who did you have a crush on
at school, Foggy?
212
00:24:24,983 --> 00:24:27,923
The girls' gym mistress.
213
00:24:27,923 --> 00:24:33,063
I loved her from afar.
It never came to anything.
214
00:24:33,063 --> 00:24:40,723
Didn't she marry
that little Welshman?
Yes. I could never understand it.
215
00:24:42,383 --> 00:24:50,363
Well, maybe he came in handy
for practice when she hadn't got
a ball. Passing the Welshman?
216
00:24:50,363 --> 00:24:58,023
Not my idea of a good workout.
Never became really popular.
Maybe they don't bounce too well.
217
00:24:58,023 --> 00:25:05,663
Although to listen to them,
you'd never think so.
I think I've got it this time.
218
00:25:05,663 --> 00:25:09,183
Ger-onimo!
219
00:25:14,363 --> 00:25:22,203
If you do it correctly next time,
I think you'll be ready
for the big one. Wow! The big one!
220
00:25:29,663 --> 00:25:32,643
I think he's ready.
221
00:25:32,643 --> 00:25:37,023
He thinks you're ready.
I'm ready, I'm ready.
222
00:25:41,503 --> 00:25:44,663
It's higher. It's a higher wall.
223
00:25:44,663 --> 00:25:53,123
You're very shrewd
for a black pudding. It's higher
than the one I practised on.
224
00:25:53,123 --> 00:25:58,183
Yes, if you want to get meticulous.
Just a little. So what?
225
00:25:58,183 --> 00:26:03,383
You just have to give
a bigger jump, that's all.
226
00:26:03,383 --> 00:26:08,383
Why can't I impress Nora Batty
on a little wall? Shrewd. Shrewd.
227
00:26:08,383 --> 00:26:13,063
Because THIS is the wall
she lives near.
228
00:26:13,063 --> 00:26:20,763
You want her to see you.
Life's just awkward.
It sure is, Norm. Look out.
229
00:26:22,823 --> 00:26:25,803
She's not alone.
230
00:26:25,803 --> 00:26:31,063
So what? This is your chance
to impress ALL the ladies.
231
00:26:31,063 --> 00:26:37,923
Aye, I've always been wicked
with the ladies, Norm.
You can't resist them, can you?
232
00:26:37,923 --> 00:26:42,963
You can't break
the habits of a lifetime, Norm.
233
00:26:42,963 --> 00:26:46,343
# Oh, put me amongst the girls
234
00:26:46,343 --> 00:26:50,923
# Put me amongst the girls... #
235
00:26:50,923 --> 00:26:59,243
- Whatever's he got there?
- It's that damn pole.
- Often need a stick at that age.
236
00:26:59,243 --> 00:27:05,623
A stick ?! This is my pole !
What do you need a pole for?
237
00:27:05,623 --> 00:27:14,283
What do I need a pole for?
Tha ravishing creature...
To help thee with the clothes line.
238
00:27:14,283 --> 00:27:21,743
Stand back, ladies,
and hang on to your hats.
It's going to be a thrill a minute.
239
00:27:21,743 --> 00:27:26,743
Right, let's be havin' you.
You too, come on.
240
00:27:51,023 --> 00:27:53,643
Howard!
241
00:27:53,643 --> 00:27:58,503
I was just passing
when this falling person here
242
00:27:58,503 --> 00:28:03,583
knocked me into the arms
of this other fisherman.
243
00:28:39,403 --> 00:28:43,383
Subtitles by Wilma Campbell
BBC 1991
21388
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