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1
00:00:36,820 --> 00:00:42,860
FOGGY: I understand the Co-op
has some big reductions in
winceyette pyjamas.
2
00:00:44,320 --> 00:00:47,760
CLEGG: I could do with some
big reductions in mine.
3
00:00:48,680 --> 00:00:51,680
I think they must've been made
for a gorilla.
4
00:00:54,360 --> 00:00:57,100
Only a small gorilla.
5
00:00:58,600 --> 00:01:01,760
COMPO: Nigel Hinchliffe's nose
'as turned septic.
6
00:01:03,080 --> 00:01:06,180
All of it? Or just the bit
that sticks out?
7
00:01:06,180 --> 00:01:07,580
I don't know.
8
00:01:08,680 --> 00:01:11,560
Oh, he comes here
with half a story.
9
00:01:11,560 --> 00:01:13,420
'Ow do I know?
10
00:01:13,420 --> 00:01:17,320
Passing himself off
as an expert on
Nigel Hinchliffe's nose.
11
00:01:17,320 --> 00:01:20,380
What's tha mean,
'only the bit that
sticks out'?
12
00:01:20,380 --> 00:01:24,020
That's all there is
to a nose. The bit that
sticks out.
13
00:01:24,020 --> 00:01:26,080
Not necessarily.
14
00:01:26,080 --> 00:01:29,200
Not if it's like
the iceberg.
15
00:01:29,200 --> 00:01:33,140
In which case two-thirds
of the human nose could
be under the surface.
16
00:01:33,140 --> 00:01:34,420
Cobblers!
17
00:01:34,420 --> 00:01:38,960
No, don't scoff.
It sometimes feels
like an iceberg.
18
00:01:38,960 --> 00:01:42,980
Just imagine,
the real work's
going on underneath.
19
00:01:42,980 --> 00:01:47,020
This bit that sticks out
is just for resting yer
spectacles on.
20
00:01:48,020 --> 00:01:49,320
No, no, no, no.
21
00:01:49,320 --> 00:01:52,960
No, no, there must be some
biological reason.
22
00:01:52,960 --> 00:01:58,580
No, what it's there for is so tha
can nip it and make funny voices.
23
00:01:59,580 --> 00:02:02,360
Yes... Yes, that's it!
24
00:02:02,360 --> 00:02:07,380
Biologically it exists so you can
squeeze it and make funny voices.
25
00:02:09,360 --> 00:02:11,100
Are you coming?
26
00:02:11,100 --> 00:02:13,960
IN FUNNY VOICES
Coming, Foggy.
Coming, Foggy.
27
00:02:23,580 --> 00:02:26,620
Well, is that a view
or is that a view?
28
00:02:26,620 --> 00:02:29,360
You mean you don't know?
29
00:02:29,360 --> 00:02:33,500
You've brought us all this way
and you don't know if it's a view?
30
00:02:33,500 --> 00:02:37,780
On a clear day you can probably
see the Humber Bridge.
31
00:02:37,780 --> 00:02:41,980
All of it, or just the part you
rest yer spectacles on?
32
00:02:43,720 --> 00:02:47,600
Norm! Why are you 'ittin' me with
your 'at? Normy...!
33
00:02:49,420 --> 00:02:52,920
Pick up the step that man, come on.
What day is it?
34
00:02:52,920 --> 00:02:56,080
Judging by those trousers,
not early closing.
35
00:02:56,080 --> 00:02:58,680
Haven't you got
any better trousers?
36
00:02:58,680 --> 00:03:01,240
These ARE my better trousers!
37
00:03:02,820 --> 00:03:05,940
Norm, why's 'e draggin' me
by the arm?
38
00:03:05,940 --> 00:03:09,120
With trousers like that,
who'd drag you by the leg?
39
00:03:18,400 --> 00:03:20,340
How much money have you got?
40
00:03:20,340 --> 00:03:23,220
You mean altogether?
Yes, altogether.
41
00:03:23,220 --> 00:03:25,280
Well...
altogether...
42
00:03:29,920 --> 00:03:31,040
Nowt!
43
00:03:31,400 --> 00:03:33,000
Where's your betting money?
44
00:03:33,000 --> 00:03:36,040
You can't touch me bettin' money.
45
00:03:39,240 --> 00:03:40,480
AARRGH!
46
00:03:41,280 --> 00:03:42,640
OW! GERROFF!
47
00:03:43,400 --> 00:03:44,560
GERROFF!
48
00:03:44,560 --> 00:03:45,600
Where is it?
49
00:03:45,600 --> 00:03:47,280
In me wellie!
50
00:03:48,580 --> 00:03:53,220
In that case he's right y'know.
You CAN'T touch his betting money.
51
00:04:02,620 --> 00:04:06,180
Cor dear, it don't 'alf make
yer eyeballs 'eavy.
52
00:04:06,180 --> 00:04:08,640
Suppose they dropped out?
53
00:04:09,300 --> 00:04:12,820
It wasn't THEM dropping out
we were worried about.
54
00:04:12,820 --> 00:04:14,920
Well, are you coming, Clegg?
55
00:04:14,920 --> 00:04:17,680
Think I'd rather wait out here.
56
00:04:17,680 --> 00:04:23,260
What's the matter? He's such a
red-hot salesman is Duggie,
he's bound to sell me something.
57
00:04:23,260 --> 00:04:26,640
Rubbish!
It usually is.
58
00:04:51,780 --> 00:04:53,520
DOOR BANG
59
00:04:53,520 --> 00:04:55,340
Come in, why don't you?
60
00:04:55,340 --> 00:04:57,900
'Morning, Sidney.
Glad yer think so.
61
00:04:57,900 --> 00:04:59,800
Don't touch
anything.
62
00:04:59,800 --> 00:05:02,260
Mending the old hairdryer, are we?
63
00:05:02,260 --> 00:05:05,600
I was, till some twonk came
bargin' in.
64
00:05:07,340 --> 00:05:10,380
You know what's wrong with this,
there's a little screw missing.
65
00:05:11,380 --> 00:05:13,640
I know a little screw's missing.
66
00:05:13,640 --> 00:05:19,100
What d'you want?
Oh, er, could we have 3 of your
electric cups of tea please?
67
00:05:19,100 --> 00:05:21,400
Where's the rest of your squad?
68
00:05:21,400 --> 00:05:24,580
On their way. I've never known
such dawdlers.
69
00:05:24,580 --> 00:05:28,180
Can't seem to get civilian legs
into a military pace.
70
00:05:28,180 --> 00:05:31,200
But the morning's not
entirely wasted.
71
00:05:31,200 --> 00:05:35,640
I've done a good job on renovating
one of the town's scruffiest areas.
72
00:05:35,640 --> 00:05:40,460
I've had a new pair of trousers
installed on you-know-who.
73
00:05:40,460 --> 00:05:42,280
CRASH OF CUPS
74
00:05:43,320 --> 00:05:46,500
That's right, go on,
throw things about.
75
00:05:46,580 --> 00:05:48,580
I've just 'ad some startlin' news.
76
00:05:48,580 --> 00:05:53,460
You'll 'ave some startlin' news in
a minute, yer great pair of tulips.
77
00:05:56,060 --> 00:06:00,000
I'd like to know what news
is so startlin' it could make you
drop the cups.
78
00:06:00,000 --> 00:06:01,880
I don't...
CRASH
79
00:06:03,240 --> 00:06:07,840
My God...! Somebody's seen you
with that Mrs Jessop!
80
00:06:07,840 --> 00:06:10,560
Who has...? I...I mean they
couldn't 'ave.
81
00:06:10,680 --> 00:06:14,380
I mean what am I feelin' guilty for?
I 'aven't been with 'er.
82
00:06:14,380 --> 00:06:17,500
I knew this
would 'appen!
Nothin's 'appened, woman!
83
00:06:17,500 --> 00:06:22,360
I've been expectin' somethin'
like this, ever since you started
readin' Harold Robbins.
84
00:06:22,360 --> 00:06:24,360
That's a terrible thing to say.
85
00:06:25,860 --> 00:06:27,800
I don't read Harold Robbins.
86
00:06:27,800 --> 00:06:31,940
Calm yourself Ivy. The startling
news wasn't about him.
87
00:06:31,940 --> 00:06:33,560
It was about him.
88
00:06:37,120 --> 00:06:40,800
'E's 'ad a trouser transplant!
They've got 'im into a new pair.
89
00:06:40,800 --> 00:06:43,300
Well it's about time too!
90
00:06:43,300 --> 00:06:45,620
I'm not superstitious...
91
00:06:45,620 --> 00:06:52,300
But I've 'ad glimpses of things
lurkin' under the surface of those
trousers that'd make you shudder.
92
00:06:59,780 --> 00:07:02,440
Oh I say! Aren't they smart.
93
00:07:02,440 --> 00:07:05,780
Smart? I'll say they flamin' smart.
94
00:07:05,780 --> 00:07:07,920
Pack that in!
95
00:07:07,920 --> 00:07:11,960
It's all right for thee.
Tha's not bein' strangled!
96
00:07:11,960 --> 00:07:15,280
Look, jeans are often a
little tight at first.
97
00:07:15,280 --> 00:07:20,320
Tight? I've 'ad bad ferret bites
that 'ave caused me less trouble.
98
00:07:20,320 --> 00:07:24,280
No wonder the younger generation
are so rebellious!
99
00:07:25,140 --> 00:07:27,320
They look very hardwearing.
100
00:07:27,320 --> 00:07:33,500
Hardwearin'? Yes, they're very
'ard to wear. It's like
'avin' everything in plaster.
101
00:07:33,500 --> 00:07:35,440
An' I mean EVERYTHING!
102
00:07:35,440 --> 00:07:39,120
Yes, well it's time you were
strapped up a bit.
103
00:07:39,120 --> 00:07:42,820
I must say it makes me feel
much easier in me mind.
104
00:07:42,820 --> 00:07:45,440
I think it's a great improvement.
105
00:07:45,440 --> 00:07:50,467
Let's 'ave a cuppa tea, Sid.
I'll see if I can force it down.
106
00:07:50,527 --> 00:07:52,067
Oh dear, oh dear!
107
00:07:53,067 --> 00:07:54,747
It's Mary Poppins!
108
00:07:56,847 --> 00:07:58,287
What've yer got there?
109
00:07:58,287 --> 00:07:59,987
I've no idea.
110
00:07:59,987 --> 00:08:02,367
But Duggie told you what it is.
111
00:08:02,367 --> 00:08:03,727
I wasn't listening.
112
00:08:03,727 --> 00:08:04,967
You should've been.
113
00:08:04,967 --> 00:08:10,207
What for? He wasn't listening to
me. I kept telling him I didn't
want it, but he wasn't listening.
114
00:08:10,207 --> 00:08:11,007
Who?
115
00:08:11,007 --> 00:08:12,567
Duggie at the second-hand shop.
116
00:08:12,567 --> 00:08:14,507
Oh 'e'll sell owt will Duggie.
117
00:08:14,507 --> 00:08:16,447
You're not
jokin'!
118
00:08:17,587 --> 00:08:20,647
What'll I do with this?
Least you can wear yours.
119
00:08:20,647 --> 00:08:24,727
Listen, I'd sooner wear that
anyday...whatever it is.
120
00:08:24,727 --> 00:08:26,607
It's a metal detector.
121
00:08:26,607 --> 00:08:32,207
I told you he'd sell me something!
I told you, once you look at
his eyes you're gone.
122
00:08:32,287 --> 00:08:34,767
You've probably got a snip there.
123
00:08:34,767 --> 00:08:39,427
It's based on the old mine
detectors, y'know. The things
we used to use in the war.
124
00:08:39,427 --> 00:08:43,507
Oh, it's just what I've always
wanted, a mine detector!
125
00:08:43,507 --> 00:08:49,367
Of course they don't use 'em for
detecting mines in peacetime, they
use 'em for finding treasure.
126
00:08:49,827 --> 00:08:52,227
Liable to be a lot of that 'ere?
127
00:08:52,227 --> 00:08:56,007
There's a lot of it everywhere.
Buried treasure? Yes. Ha!
128
00:08:56,007 --> 00:08:58,267
You should be locked up!
129
00:08:59,507 --> 00:09:05,687
I can just see Captain Morgan and
'is pirates comin' up the canal
desperate to bury their treasure...
130
00:09:05,687 --> 00:09:07,807
..somewhere near Huddersfield.
131
00:09:08,307 --> 00:09:10,287
There's different kinds
of treasure.
132
00:09:10,287 --> 00:09:15,227
I can see all them pirates singin'
their Yorkshire sea shanties.
133
00:09:15,227 --> 00:09:18,447
Yo ho ho and a bottle
of John Smiths!
134
00:09:19,667 --> 00:09:23,347
You shut up.
Now, you hold it
like this.
135
00:09:23,347 --> 00:09:26,447
Don't bother Foggy, I'll never
be able to ride it.
136
00:09:26,927 --> 00:09:28,847
No, no, y'don't ride it.
137
00:09:28,847 --> 00:09:31,087
You put these headphones on.
138
00:09:31,087 --> 00:09:35,127
Then you push it up
and down like a
vacuum cleaner.
139
00:09:35,127 --> 00:09:37,687
Oh that really is exciting.
140
00:09:37,687 --> 00:09:44,607
Going out where everyone can see
you, put the earphones on and move
that about like a vacuum cleaner.
141
00:09:44,967 --> 00:09:47,647
Not exactly like a vacuum cleaner.
142
00:09:47,647 --> 00:09:49,047
You hold it so.
143
00:09:49,047 --> 00:09:50,727
A little way above
the ground.
144
00:09:50,727 --> 00:09:54,487
Then you advance
with it slowly
and you sweep.
145
00:09:54,607 --> 00:09:59,607
Tha's been done, Cleggy.
It's not even a vacuum cleaner,
that's gotta sweep with it.
146
00:10:00,427 --> 00:10:04,687
The extended arm
should move in a
gentle circular motion.
147
00:10:04,687 --> 00:10:06,147
Oh, yer mean like this?
148
00:10:06,147 --> 00:10:09,667
Ooh! I can't even do a V-sign
in these trousers.
149
00:10:09,667 --> 00:10:12,347
There's no room to manoeuvre.
150
00:10:12,347 --> 00:10:18,007
It's bad enough climbin' into
these things, but I don't know 'ow
the 'ell I'll get anything out!
151
00:10:19,227 --> 00:10:23,407
Could we borrow a spoon, Sidney?
What d'you want a spoon for?
152
00:10:25,947 --> 00:10:28,567
I want to lay it on the floor. Oh!
153
00:10:32,127 --> 00:10:34,327
We usually lay OURS on the table!
154
00:10:40,147 --> 00:10:45,967
Do you think if I pleaded insanity
I could get me money back?
From Duggie? Not a chance.
155
00:10:46,207 --> 00:10:52,107
You don't want your money back.
This is a very ingenious machine.
Many people do spoon tricks here?
156
00:10:52,107 --> 00:10:53,767
Not much interest nowadays.
157
00:10:53,767 --> 00:10:55,207
I can understand that.
158
00:10:55,367 --> 00:11:00,847
Don't put the earphones on.
Just hold them up so we all hear
the noises they're making.
159
00:11:02,487 --> 00:11:04,327
They're not making any noises.
160
00:11:04,327 --> 00:11:07,047
I know they're not making
any noises.
161
00:11:07,047 --> 00:11:09,667
I knew it! They're broken!
162
00:11:09,667 --> 00:11:11,907
They're not, I haven't switched on.
163
00:11:11,907 --> 00:11:14,167
Then what are you
prattin' about for?
164
00:11:14,167 --> 00:11:17,287
You shut up, we want to hear this.
165
00:11:19,527 --> 00:11:21,327
It's still broken.
166
00:11:21,327 --> 00:11:26,507
You won't hear anything until I
pass it over the metal spoon.
167
00:11:26,507 --> 00:11:29,307
I don't think I can stand all
this excitement.
168
00:11:29,307 --> 00:11:31,867
Well go and sit down then.
169
00:11:31,867 --> 00:11:34,527
In these 'ardboard trousers?
170
00:11:34,527 --> 00:11:39,327
I'm not doin' anything clever till
I've learned to walk in 'em first.
171
00:11:39,527 --> 00:11:42,687
Just keep out of the way.
Ready, Clegg?
172
00:11:42,687 --> 00:11:46,627
I think I'd rather go and look at
Nigel Hinchliffe's septic nose.
173
00:11:46,627 --> 00:11:50,527
You'll be all right.
All right, I'm ready.
174
00:11:50,527 --> 00:11:55,767
When I pass the machine over the
spoon, we should hear something.
175
00:12:03,947 --> 00:12:04,967
Hey!
176
00:12:04,967 --> 00:12:06,327
I 'eard something!
177
00:12:07,047 --> 00:12:08,807
What are yer doing now?
178
00:12:08,807 --> 00:12:13,387
They've got a machine to find the
screw missin' from yer hairdryer.
179
00:12:13,387 --> 00:12:17,287
Yeah, well there's more than
one screw missin' around 'ere.
180
00:12:18,067 --> 00:12:22,047
That was nimble thinking, Sidney.
Brilliant. Well done, Sid.
181
00:12:22,147 --> 00:12:23,727
I get lots of practice.
182
00:12:23,807 --> 00:12:26,387
The beauty of it is, it's true.
183
00:12:26,387 --> 00:12:29,627
With this apparatus we'll
soon find the screw.
184
00:12:29,627 --> 00:12:31,467
'Aven't much luck with
the spoon.
185
00:12:31,467 --> 00:12:35,727
A minor adjustment and
we'll soon have
some sort of noise.
186
00:12:36,807 --> 00:12:38,747
Ow, ooh God!
187
00:12:38,747 --> 00:12:41,627
Very good, Foggy.
And quick too!
188
00:12:41,627 --> 00:12:43,987
Let me have
a bit of elbow room.
189
00:12:43,987 --> 00:12:47,087
Give it 'ere. I can manage.
You're framin' like a fairy.
190
00:12:47,187 --> 00:12:51,567
Look, it's just an adjustment.
Let go a minute. Don't interfere.
191
00:12:57,627 --> 00:13:05,247
And I suppose yer've got a machine
for pickin' up bits of crockery
that used to be cups?
192
00:13:05,247 --> 00:13:06,987
I'll pick 'em up.
193
00:13:06,987 --> 00:13:10,227
It would've been cheaper to buy
a new hairdryer!
194
00:13:10,227 --> 00:13:12,067
If you'd like me to look at...
195
00:13:12,067 --> 00:13:13,807
Keep your hands off!
196
00:13:14,527 --> 00:13:18,167
Oh Norm, Norm, don't let me
laugh so much in these trousers.
197
00:13:18,287 --> 00:13:20,107
You can always tell.
198
00:13:20,107 --> 00:13:27,127
The more inefficient they are,
manually, the quicker they fly off
the handle at a hint of criticism.
199
00:13:27,907 --> 00:13:31,147
Are you sure you're not holding
it upside down?
200
00:13:31,147 --> 00:13:32,887
I KNOW I AM, IT'S BECAUSE....
201
00:13:35,907 --> 00:13:38,967
It's because I want to make
a small adjustment.
202
00:13:47,247 --> 00:13:51,247
'Ey up! It's Nora Batty,
my true love.
203
00:13:51,247 --> 00:13:53,167
Oh my God, is 'e 'ere?
204
00:13:53,167 --> 00:13:56,367
Come 'ere, gal.
'Ave a look at that. OOH!
205
00:14:01,027 --> 00:14:05,527
She 'ad thee out shoppin', Wal?
Aye, she's 'ad me out shoppin'.
206
00:14:05,527 --> 00:14:08,587
The fuss they make about
a bit o' shoppin'.
207
00:14:08,587 --> 00:14:13,707
I feel like a native porter. White
woman giving you hard time, Buana?
208
00:14:13,707 --> 00:14:15,367
Isn't she ever.
209
00:14:16,387 --> 00:14:20,767
Ey, don't you know it's bad luck
to put umbrella up indoors?
210
00:14:22,527 --> 00:14:26,087
Well? Aren't you goin' to get me
a cup of coffee?
211
00:14:26,487 --> 00:14:28,807
I'm gonna get 'er a cup of coffee.
212
00:14:29,067 --> 00:14:30,367
WAARGH!
213
00:14:31,547 --> 00:14:32,947
Now look!
214
00:14:32,947 --> 00:14:36,787
Great stupid fool!
Rearin' up on people.
215
00:14:36,787 --> 00:14:38,727
What's goin' on in 'ere now?
216
00:14:38,727 --> 00:14:40,767
Don't know what she's yarpin' for.
217
00:14:40,767 --> 00:14:42,907
Your 'usband startled me.
218
00:14:42,907 --> 00:14:45,527
Well it's more than 'e does to me!
219
00:14:46,867 --> 00:14:51,447
You expect it from 'im.
But I didn't expect it from...
220
00:14:51,447 --> 00:14:54,047
..your 'usband. Rearin' up at me.
221
00:14:54,047 --> 00:15:00,367
Oh, 'e did, did 'e?
If there's any rearin' up to be
done, you'll do it to me.
222
00:15:00,367 --> 00:15:02,567
I was pickin' up the crockery.
223
00:15:02,567 --> 00:15:04,547
You saw 'im, didn't yer?
224
00:15:04,547 --> 00:15:06,347
'E reared up at me.
225
00:15:06,347 --> 00:15:09,327
I was lookin' at 'is umbrella.
226
00:15:09,967 --> 00:15:15,367
It's not an umbrella.
It's not as useful as an umbrella.
It's EXTREMELY useful.
227
00:15:15,367 --> 00:15:18,927
I was standin' 'ere,
mindin' my own business.
228
00:15:18,927 --> 00:15:20,367
Oh, yer were?
229
00:15:21,547 --> 00:15:23,127
I was.
230
00:15:23,127 --> 00:15:26,267
Well, there's a novelty for a start.
231
00:15:26,267 --> 00:15:29,727
'ERE! Are you goin' to stand there...
232
00:15:29,727 --> 00:15:31,407
..and let me be insulted?
233
00:15:36,027 --> 00:15:41,567
Listen, what I want to know is, if
it's not an umbrella, what is it?
234
00:15:45,027 --> 00:15:47,747
I thought we were goin' to 'ave
a coffee.
235
00:15:47,747 --> 00:15:51,627
Lettin' people insult yer wife!
Yer don't deserve a coffee.
236
00:15:51,627 --> 00:15:54,147
Do I 'ave to deserve everything?
237
00:15:54,147 --> 00:15:58,127
It's gonna be a long time between
drinks if I 'ave to deserve 'em.
238
00:15:58,127 --> 00:16:01,207
Ey up, Nora! Ignore 'im.
239
00:16:01,207 --> 00:16:03,487
Yer gotta 'ave a word of
encouragement.
240
00:16:03,487 --> 00:16:06,027
I don't want encouragement from you.
241
00:16:06,027 --> 00:16:09,687
Are you wonderin' why I 'aven't
chased you round the cafe?
242
00:16:09,687 --> 00:16:12,487
Don't stop, ignore 'im.
243
00:16:12,487 --> 00:16:14,867
No, 'ang on a minute.
244
00:16:14,867 --> 00:16:19,107
I was wonderin' why 'e didn't
chase you round t'caff for a bit.
245
00:16:19,107 --> 00:16:20,487
Is it something...
246
00:16:20,487 --> 00:16:22,967
..we've said? No Wally.
247
00:16:23,707 --> 00:16:27,127
I still find 'er as
attractive as ever.
248
00:16:27,207 --> 00:16:30,347
Stop shoutin' that in the street.
249
00:16:30,347 --> 00:16:34,647
I just 'aven't got the 'ang of
chasin' 'er in these trousers.
250
00:16:35,447 --> 00:16:40,127
'E 'asn't got used
to those trousers...
I can 'ear 'im!
251
00:16:40,127 --> 00:16:43,647
Whole damn street can 'ear 'im.
'Ere, Wal.
252
00:16:43,647 --> 00:16:46,447
Would yer bring 'er back when I've
me other trousers on?
253
00:16:46,447 --> 00:16:54,127
'Ave I got to be humiliated in
public? Well...? Say something
to 'im. Go on!
254
00:16:54,127 --> 00:16:55,567
Say something!
255
00:16:55,687 --> 00:16:59,427
I've got a pair of brown corduroys
you can 'ave.
256
00:16:59,427 --> 00:17:02,667
They're in t'wardrobe.
Oh, ta.
257
00:17:02,667 --> 00:17:04,247
Oh go on!
258
00:17:12,687 --> 00:17:17,347
There you are, just a loose wire,
try it now.
259
00:17:17,347 --> 00:17:20,227
Try it outside,
I want no more accidents.
260
00:17:20,227 --> 00:17:23,467
I assure you,
nothing'll go wrong. Out!
261
00:17:23,467 --> 00:17:25,407
It's a harmless instrument.
262
00:17:25,407 --> 00:17:29,927
It's not the instrument I'm worried
about, it's the driver!
263
00:17:30,267 --> 00:17:33,147
If you don't wish me to locate
the screw.
264
00:17:33,147 --> 00:17:37,727
Go and test it somewhere first then
you can come and find the screw.
265
00:17:39,567 --> 00:17:42,287
All right, come on,
it's your detector.
266
00:17:42,627 --> 00:17:44,427
When you're young
and suggestible...
267
00:17:44,427 --> 00:17:48,327
..they warn you about
loose women and sitting in drafts.
268
00:17:48,327 --> 00:17:51,107
But nobody said a word
about metal detectors.
269
00:17:51,107 --> 00:17:52,927
What are you grinning at?
270
00:17:52,927 --> 00:18:00,247
I was just thinkin' about
loose women and sittin' in
drafts, just my cuppa tea.
271
00:18:00,427 --> 00:18:05,207
You can come too, in case we need
some support at the manual level.
272
00:18:13,367 --> 00:18:18,467
I knew we'd be conscripted.
Stop moaning! You won't even
have to do anything.
273
00:18:18,467 --> 00:18:21,067
'Ey up! I'm beginnin' to like it.
274
00:18:21,067 --> 00:18:26,787
You just leave the technical end
to me. I just need 2 witnesses
to a successful demonstration.
275
00:18:26,787 --> 00:18:29,767
Somebody's got to convince
those people.
276
00:18:29,767 --> 00:18:33,287
They must think I'm some kind
of idiot.
277
00:18:35,967 --> 00:18:38,607
Who's got something metallic?
278
00:18:38,607 --> 00:18:42,867
Haven't you brought something
metallic? Didn't anybody think?
279
00:18:42,867 --> 00:18:44,907
Well, thee didn't for a start.
280
00:18:44,907 --> 00:18:48,447
Leave one simple job
to the rest of the team.
281
00:18:48,447 --> 00:18:51,667
'Ey up! We're a team.
282
00:18:51,667 --> 00:18:53,567
Guess who's captain.
283
00:18:56,807 --> 00:19:00,127
Hold this a minute. Is it dangerous?
Of course not!
284
00:19:00,627 --> 00:19:03,387
That's what you said about
that dog.
285
00:19:03,387 --> 00:19:06,187
Just hold it while I open my purse.
286
00:19:06,187 --> 00:19:11,147
'Ey up! Things must be serious if
Foggy's openin' 'is purse.
287
00:19:11,147 --> 00:19:13,747
We've been decimalized...
288
00:19:13,747 --> 00:19:15,687
..since tha were last in there.
289
00:19:16,447 --> 00:19:20,067
You just stand there and practise
your new trousers.
290
00:19:20,067 --> 00:19:22,307
Right, here's 50p.
291
00:19:22,307 --> 00:19:23,647
It's yours.
292
00:19:24,067 --> 00:19:25,787
I don't want to buy it.
293
00:19:25,787 --> 00:19:27,707
All right, 30p.
294
00:19:27,707 --> 00:19:31,607
I don't want to take advantage
of you, you've got a bargain.
295
00:19:31,607 --> 00:19:35,087
Ey Norm, you've got a bargain.
296
00:19:36,247 --> 00:19:40,147
Don't ask me to help you out of
them trousers.
297
00:19:40,147 --> 00:19:43,007
You're not goin' t'leave me in 'em.
298
00:19:46,187 --> 00:19:50,407
Right, fall in men. We need
some softer ground.
299
00:20:09,167 --> 00:20:11,267
This'll do nicely.
300
00:20:11,267 --> 00:20:15,887
I should think so. I'm not
walkin' much further in these.
301
00:20:15,887 --> 00:20:18,407
It's like walkin' through treacle.
302
00:20:18,407 --> 00:20:23,367
Little flies do it all the time,
'specially when you've just
washed yer windows.
303
00:20:25,187 --> 00:20:30,747
Ideal terrain, dirt surface,
no traffic to interrupt us.
304
00:20:30,747 --> 00:20:37,847
Now, while I turn my back,
I want you to bury this 50p
under the surface.
305
00:20:37,847 --> 00:20:44,047
Needn't make a meal of it.
No need to go 6ft down,
just under the surface.
306
00:20:44,047 --> 00:20:49,087
But somewhere where it
doesn't show, then I'll locate it
with the machine.
307
00:20:49,087 --> 00:20:53,127
Here, you're the expert at
throwing money down the drain.
308
00:20:54,627 --> 00:20:56,967
I want it back.
309
00:20:58,727 --> 00:21:02,447
Right! Proceed burial party.
310
00:21:10,287 --> 00:21:13,587
Don't leave any visual traces.
Don't worry.
311
00:21:13,587 --> 00:21:17,167
There won't be any
visual traces.
312
00:21:19,147 --> 00:21:21,727
I don't want to see where it is.
313
00:21:22,307 --> 00:21:24,967
Oh you won't be able to see it.
314
00:21:26,347 --> 00:21:28,507
Is he ready Clegg? Oh yes.
315
00:21:28,507 --> 00:21:30,287
I think he's ready.
316
00:21:31,027 --> 00:21:35,107
Right, headphones on.
Stand back, here I come.
317
00:21:35,107 --> 00:21:40,247
When I pass this machine
over the coin, I shall hear
a high pitched sound.
318
00:21:40,247 --> 00:21:45,727
If he passes the machine over
the coin where it is now, we shall
ALL hear a high pitched sound.
319
00:21:51,287 --> 00:21:53,587
Well, it keeps him quiet.
320
00:21:53,587 --> 00:21:57,867
It's very restful. He's much
easier to live with...
321
00:21:57,867 --> 00:22:01,127
when he's connected to machinery.
Suits 'is personality.
322
00:22:01,207 --> 00:22:03,247
You're right.
323
00:22:04,567 --> 00:22:09,587
Thought I was onto something.
I feel I'm getting warmer.
324
00:22:09,587 --> 00:22:15,127
It's not just the noise it makes,
you get an instinct in your
fingertips.
325
00:22:16,847 --> 00:22:19,287
HORN BLOWS
326
00:22:19,447 --> 00:22:24,307
'Ow can 'e find 50p? 'E can't even
detect a flamin' Land Rover!
327
00:22:24,307 --> 00:22:29,007
But it's only a short-wheel-based
Land Rover.
328
00:22:29,987 --> 00:22:32,067
HORN HOOTS LOUDLY
329
00:22:32,067 --> 00:22:33,147
Get away!
330
00:22:33,147 --> 00:22:37,007
What's the matter now?
I think I'm just getting something.
331
00:22:37,187 --> 00:22:40,287
Aye, more than tha realises!
332
00:22:40,287 --> 00:22:42,487
Get off!
333
00:22:42,487 --> 00:22:46,287
I wish you wouldn't distract me.
What are you fretting about now?
334
00:22:46,287 --> 00:22:49,107
The next move is very important.
335
00:22:49,107 --> 00:22:51,247
LONG HOOT
336
00:22:53,207 --> 00:22:56,287
Well, that move
certainly looked important.
337
00:23:01,567 --> 00:23:06,787
Huh! There's something very basic
about the rural sense of humour.
338
00:23:06,787 --> 00:23:11,207
Fetch the coin, we'd better make
sure the machine's working.
339
00:23:14,207 --> 00:23:16,527
Thank you. Now, I'll just...
340
00:23:19,347 --> 00:23:22,147
Oh funny...very funny.
341
00:23:22,147 --> 00:23:25,927
I were goin' t'bury it, but it
were too painful in these trousers.
342
00:23:25,927 --> 00:23:28,307
Clegg could've given you a hand.
343
00:23:28,307 --> 00:23:34,407
Not on his trousers. I draw the
line at his trousers. It's been
a weird enough day already.
344
00:23:35,827 --> 00:23:37,447
Look, stand back.
345
00:23:39,427 --> 00:23:43,047
Now, when I pass
the machine over
the coin.
346
00:23:43,047 --> 00:23:45,567
I should get a
high pitched sound.
347
00:23:46,847 --> 00:23:48,607
LOUD NOISE
AARGH!
348
00:23:52,547 --> 00:23:55,207
It's like getting y'teeth filled.
349
00:23:55,207 --> 00:23:58,187
Well, it works all right.
350
00:23:58,187 --> 00:24:01,427
A little powerfully perhaps.
351
00:24:01,427 --> 00:24:06,727
We'll lower the volume a bit.
Clegg, you bury the coin this time.
352
00:24:17,747 --> 00:24:19,447
LOUD NOISE
353
00:24:24,807 --> 00:24:30,967
Well, it really works!
You've got a snip of a machine
Clegg, yer lucky devil.
354
00:24:30,967 --> 00:24:36,027
How lucky can you get?
Come on, let's go back to the cafe.
355
00:24:36,027 --> 00:24:38,247
We'll show 'em!
356
00:24:48,427 --> 00:24:52,367
I'll do it, I'll do it! You are a
complete novice. It's my screw.
357
00:24:52,487 --> 00:24:56,547
Stop tuggin' about!
And mind those new cups.
358
00:24:56,547 --> 00:24:58,667
I don't want any more breakages.
359
00:24:58,667 --> 00:25:01,727
Oh very well, let him do it.
360
00:25:07,227 --> 00:25:09,327
How will I know when it finds it?
361
00:25:09,327 --> 00:25:13,087
You'll know all right, Sidney,
you'll know.
362
00:25:17,707 --> 00:25:21,687
VERY LOUD NOISE
Arrgh!
CRASH OF CROCKERY
363
00:25:24,767 --> 00:25:28,547
Well, he found the screw then.
364
00:25:28,547 --> 00:25:33,167
Oh yes, give the man his due.
He found the screw.
365
00:25:33,167 --> 00:25:36,727
But 'e buried it again
under bits of crockery.
366
00:25:46,967 --> 00:25:50,567
See what a marvellous tool
this is in skilled hands.
367
00:25:51,907 --> 00:25:56,527
Think of all those bits of history
waiting to be discovered.
368
00:25:57,527 --> 00:26:03,447
LOUD NOISE
369
00:26:03,447 --> 00:26:09,227
Oh! I've got something!
It looks like it's incurable.
370
00:26:09,227 --> 00:26:11,647
Dig it up! It might be Roman!
371
00:26:12,667 --> 00:26:14,727
Norm, watch these trousers.
372
00:26:15,747 --> 00:26:18,607
SOUNDS OF DIGGING AND GROANING
373
00:26:25,427 --> 00:26:27,147
Argh...it's an old beer can.
374
00:26:27,147 --> 00:26:29,247
Ingenious beggars, them Romans!
375
00:26:29,247 --> 00:26:33,087
It's Tetley's. Gaius Julius
Tetley! I like it.
376
00:26:33,087 --> 00:26:35,327
Me too. Let's go and 'ave one.
377
00:27:16,267 --> 00:27:18,247
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