All language subtitles for S04E05 - Whos Made A Bit Of A Splash In Wales Then

How long's Foggy been away?
Four days. When's he due back?

Oh, about ten days. Stop whittling.

He's only just got there.

Supposing he marries her.

Then she'll have to excel
at knot-tying and map-reading.

He'd better watch out.

Don't panic!

They just hold hands. Is that all?

It gives them both the illusion of
romance without any of
the disadvantages

of actually spending
their lives together. Ow!

I wish I'd just kept
my legs together.

It's all right. Oh!

It was good of you
to push my mother-in-law.

I don't know why we've come
all this way to stare at ducks,
I don't really.

It's lovely out here, Nan.

When you've seen one duck
you've seen them all,
specially from behind.

I always think
it's romantic out here.

What are you thinking of,
staring out over the water with
your soulful English eyes?

I was wondering,

if we took the brake off your
mother-in-law, would the water
completely cover her chair?

Come again!

I think it's a great idea.

Ivy's got to visit
her sister in Wales.

We could drive her down
and leave her at her sister's
for what, 12, 15 months?

Just a few hours will do, thank you.

We could drop her at her sister's
and the three of us carry on the
extra few miles, collect Foggy.

We could even spend
the day with him and get my little
woman here safely back.

But not necessarily
before closing time.

What are you driving me in?

In the van. Oh, no, you're not!

I'm not turning up at our Maureen's,

being dropped off like a sack of
spuds from that ratty old van. You
can sit in the front.

Oh, thank you very much!

I can have the best spot, can I?

Over the sunshine floor.

Almost the last of the
convertibles, our van.

The roof stays put but you can slide
back the floor damn near everywhere.

Why don't we hire a car?

Oh, well, I just thought
I'd throw it in as an idea.

They're coming to collect me
on Wednesday.

They've hired a car.

That's nice, love,
I'd like to meet your friends.

Ah, perhaps I ought to tell you
about one of them.

He's a bit... Oh, poor dove.

He's quite happy. That's nice.

He's perfectly happy. It's just
the rest of us he makes miserable.

What can you do? We're lumbered
with him. You know how it is,

you can't have him put down.
Good heavens, no!

I know, we made inquiries.

Whatever you do,
keep your eyes above his belt.

I'll try. It's never advisable to
look too closely at his trousers.

I couldn't anyway, love.

Not without my reading glasses.

It's just that he's a bit careless
about his buttons.

When I say careless,
I mean criminally negligent.

Try not to scream if you see
anything move inside his trousers.

He keeps ferrets in his pocket.

I think the worst thing
for a stranger is when
he tries to feed them.

Don't worry, love. I'm a widow,
not a shy young girl like yourself.

We shall have to keep him away
from your late husband's mother.

Where is she? Having a lie-down.

She likes to close here eyes
and sharpen her tongue in darkness.

What can you do?
You can't have them put down!

She doesn't like me.

She's an old woman, love,
give her time.

If she's an old woman,
how much more time has she got?

She could have years yet.

That's true.

Gwen, are you there? Are you there?

Yes, Nan, I'm here.

What are you doing?

A bit of gardening, love.

Hey!

This is a bit of all right, Cleggy.

I wonder how far she'll go.
Don't interrupt him
while he's concentrating.

He doesn't know where
all the switches are yet.

It's not the first car
I've driven, you know.

That's the trouble with these
hired cars. Some damned idiot's
been confusing his gears.

After this next car, Clegg,
there's a gap after this next car.

It's all right, I can see it.
Put your foot down, Cleggy.

Some fool's assembled
this gear box back to front.

Some fool's assembled
you back to front.

Look, after we've scraped that
garage attendant off the pavement,

why don't we go by bus?

Where've you been?

We've just had
a slow motion nightmare. Sshh!

Isn't he a good driver?

Good? I've never seen
anyone take so much care.

Oh, aye, it takes him
20 minutes to change gear.

I'm not going
if he's not a good driver.

Do you think I'd let you go with
anyone who wasn't a good driver?
Why don't you drive?

He's hired it.
You mean you want to get tanked up
while I'm at Maureen's.

Sometimes, I get this impression
you don't actually trust me. Would
you like it in writing?

Mind you, it's only an impression.

There's nothing I could put my
finger on, which is not a bad
description of our love life.

Did you lock that back door?

Ay-up, here come Speedy Gonzalez.

It's just a matter of familiarising
oneself with the controls.

Oh, aye, so we can go hurtling
past parked cars at 7mph.

Keep your voice down.
Try and think positively.

We don't want any last minute
changes of plans, do we?

Don't we? A, Ivy would be
terribly disappointed...

That's true... and, B, I'd kill you.

It's always interesting to hear
the other person's point of view.

I'm not too confident at the wheel.

My driving style belongs to
an earlier age. A sort of quaint,
ye olde English early suicidal.

Proprietor, have we time for a cup
of tea and some thin buttered toast
before we head for the open road?

Not really! Oh!

Ay-up, that's looking
very tasty, Ivy.

You know,
I get this sudden urge sometimes,
to run off with a married woman.

You're not running off with me!

See, she won't even consider it.

I like your hat, Ivy.

You know, normally I've always
thought of your Ivy as a non-starter
when it came to the romantic stakes.

She stomps about here in her apron
full of gob.

It's like being in the hospital.

Suddenly she is transformed.

I can tell you,
if I were an oil sheikh, I'd have
one like her on my domestic team.

A good solid lass
that can hold a tackle. Oh!

I could spend the rest of
my life fixing your seatbelt.

Give us a kiss. Go away!

Get in the car. Let's be on our way.

What are you hiding in there for?

I think it's everybody's duty
to avoid an accident.

You'll be all right
by the time you've gone a few miles.

It'll all come back to you.

You can't go through life
just thinking about yourself.

I bet if you work on it,
it's possible. What about me?

A few stolen moments off the leash.

We paid for the car.

I was hoping to get round
some of those Welsh barmaids.
All right. Don't go to pieces.

I suppose I'd best do it if you plan
to use your time so productively.

Come on, Cleggy,
get your finger out.

Come on! We don't want
to get behind schedule.

Here, get your finger off Llandudno.

You've left chocolate finger marks. I
thought it was a range of mountains.

You are lost, aren't you?

Come on, come on, admit it.

You are lost!

No, I am not lost entirely.

I just wanted to calculate the most
appropriate route.

I've got this car sickness feeling.

Quite magical.

You missed your chip van!

He's not fit to drive.

I'm fit because I've paid.

There's a book of road maps here.

Don't spoil our fun, Ivy. It's
more exciting by Ordnance Survey.

Let me know, Ivy, if you want
me to adjust your chastity belt.

Get out!

We've got to get ourselves
orientated. Come on!

We've got to line it up
until the north of this map
coincides with the north in reality.

Welsh north?

It's the same north.

A land of thin sliced ham
and eternal lettuce.

We had a kid in the army
what was Welsh.

War does these things to people.
The Jerries took him prisoner.

They wouldn't know he wasn't
English. Will you grab hold
of the map?

You too, Sidney. Come on!

Now move it around.

Where is this road
you keep rabbiting about?

Well, we've got to find the sun.

At this time of the day,

north will be almost
opposite the sun.

What, down there? You mean
north is down past me wellies?

Kindly humour me by rotating the map.

'Ay! When you look at men,

'is it any wonder that some
women prefer miniature poodles?'

Stand still! This is almost
better than knowing where we are.

Twist the map gently. There it is!

I've seen it. Bangalore!

We go straight on for three miles
to the next major road
and then we turn left.

Oh, they're very late.

I'd have thought Sid could
have kept them on schedule.

They can be handled, provided you
always treated it as an exercise
in the art of escorting prisoners.

The scruffy one
needs a very firm hand.

The trouble with him is,
there are so very few places
you'd care to put it.

What are you looking for?
Oh, she wants her music.

She can't find the tune her
grandfather wrote. Oh, what a pity.

Oh, it'll be here somewhere.
Oh, that's a relief.

Perhaps they won't have brought him.

Oh no, they will have brought
him, you can't get rid of him.

Oh God, he will be worth 1,000
votes to the Welsh Nationalists.

By gum, she's got the
rhythm, hasn't she?

And she does that entirely by ear.

Yes, Nan, what is it, love?

She says there's a car.

Oh, it's them.

They're here. Look, go...
go and head her off before
the scruffy one gets out of the car.

I'm telling you,
it's that one next door.

Ignore him, Clegg, it's
the one you've just left.

Will you make up your mind?

Eh-up, now then, Foggy!

You're under observation.

Try and talk without
opening your mouth.

Never thought I'd see you
like this, Foggy, in Wales.

Stay in your seats,
don't let HIM out.

Quite an enjoyable run, really.

You got any beer in, Foggy?

I could murder a pint.

Look at him, couldn't you
have got him done up a bit?

Well, we were only coming for the
day, it hardly seemed worthwhile.

I had a wash.

Don't let him get out.

And don't look now, but you're being
observed from an upstairs window.

Cor! That bird of yours, Foggy.
She's horrible!

She is a bit unsightly.

That happens to be
her mother-in-law.

Now, Clegg, I'd like you to get
this vehicle in off the street.

Just reverse it into that driveway
and that should take us nicely
out of her line of vision.

Say no more.

It's not a very wide drive, Foggy.

Well, don't panic, man,
perfectly simple manoeuvre.

Not to worry,
Foggy, he should be able to hit that
space between them gates.

I mean, after all, he hit
that cyclist and you should've
seen how small he was!

Here, I've got it now.

Oh, God. I can't see...
You see, I can't see the pavement.

Put a bit more snap into it, Clegg,
in front of all these Celts.

Damn it, there's a pair of
eyes behind every curtain.

I thought your friends were here.

They've been here.
And there, and there.

And there. And there.

He's a bit heavy footed, isn't he?

Not a natural on the organ,
that one, I shouldn't think.

Steady, Cleggy, steady.

Ah, yes, well, the trick is,
plenty of left hand down,

throttle and clutch,
throttle and clutch, there we are.

All over somebody's front garden.

D'you think Foggy's trying
to tell us something?

You can see what
Foggy thinks of your driving.

That is a wicked slander.

The man is merely in the
grip of some powerful emotion.

We English are not as
reserved as the world pretends.

If there's anything we can do to
help, Foggy, don't hesitate to ask.

Yes.

You can get your damned
vehicle off my foot!

Get it off!

Well, it is good to see you.

I had a terrible drive
with those three lunatics.

I don't think I've seen you since
I papered the lounge.

There was one fool driving
and another set behind
me breathing in me ear.

I hope you like pale mustard.
Wanting to adjust my safety belt.

There's always a question of
how far you dare go with the carpet.

Mind you, mine's just as vague
and useless. It's a shag pile.

Aren't they all?

Didn't he go a funny colour?

If he'd asked me to drive on
his foot, I'd never have hit it!

I'll say this for Foggy,
he might act a bit Tory,

but when the chips are down he
can swear as good as me any time!

I thought a lot of it
was unnecessary,
especially in a built-up area.

There was somebody
playing the organ.

All the time Foggy was uttering that
colloquial Anglo-Saxon, there was
someone upstairs playing the organ.

The Welsh can put anything to music!

The ambulance is on its way.

Ambulance!
It's funnier than we thought it was!

Foggy, Foggy,
are you going to have it off?

No, get off, get off,
be careful, get away.

It's a real treat,
watching him being so brave.

You've already crushed it to a pulp,
I don't want it twisting off.

No, I think you should wait and
have it seen to properly in hospital.

Yeah, under anaesthetic, I agree.
Be brave, love.

What's he got to be brave about?
He's only got a bruised foot!

Mind you, they said that
about Long John Silver and
look what happened to him.

Oh, ah, ooh, ow! I don't
think there's anything broken.

What makes you say that?

Well, nobody made me say it,
I just threw it in.

Mind you, there's no reason why
you shouldn't have a second opinion.

Come on, wiggle your toes before
rigor mortis sets in. Oh, no, oh!
Yes, try, love, I'll hold your hand.

Is tea ready, then?

Don't you be holding hands.

Well, it's only sympathy,
Nan, he's been injured.

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

In pain, is he? It's agony, madam.

Oh, there's a pity.

Can he wiggle his toes, then?
D'oh! Oh! Oh, ooh, ah!

I never hear when
anything interesting happens.

This damned stick.

It's nearly opening time. We're not
gonna spend all day watching him
wiggle his toes. Can you wiggle it?

I think you ought to try, really.

Will it hurt? Oh, yes.

He is inclined to
put his foot in it.

Or under it!

Nice fella, nobody likes him!

Too bossy. Yeah, never stops,
he's always talking about the Army.

I tell you, if he marries your Gwen,
he'll have for doing
everything by numbers.

Oh, you make me laugh.

More than that fella in there does,
I can tell you.

Look at you, the English
have neglected you.

I'm all alone,
except for young Archie.

Your son? Me ferret.

But it's not the same
as the company of a woman.

I need somebody to share me fireside,

to put a shilling in me gas meter.

I want to see a pair of corsets
hanging over the end of me bed. Ooh!

You're cheeky. Ah ha!

Now, look, look after this lady
until they finish with me

and keep her well away from him
with that ferret in his trousers.

Oh, he hasn't brought
his ferret with him, Foggy.

Well, in that case,
keep her even further away.

You may proceed, driver.

Fingerprints I had already,

but tyre prints were courtesy
of that unforgettable sequence
known as the Clegg reverse turn.

Well, it's been a memorable day,

from that damned first sensation
of disbelief when you see this
hired car passing over your sock.

Stop.

Rug, rug.

Oh, my God.

Look, I want you
never to do that again.

I'd forgotten how spectacular is
the sight of him bending down.

Face him round behind me.

Let the Welsh
have the benefit of it.

Let them make what they
can of that little welcome
in that little hillside.

Well, come on, move on.

I don't know what the
old woman saw in you.

I hope it wasn't that.

Well, don't jog me.

Try to think of it as the flatsies

and let's have a bit less of this
over the sticks.

Well, come along, come along,
I want to see the pond.

Ah!

Oh! Oh!

D'you know, I'm glad he's asleep,
I didn't realise he was so heavy.

It's this Welsh gravity.
Is it? Oh, yes.

The Welsh tend to weigh
very heavy for their size.

Are you sure? Oh, yes.

They wear out piano stools
quicker than the English.

Of course...

they're mountain folk, basically.

Oh, you mean like goats.

I think so.

Especially if they play rugby.

You know, you never find anything
worthwhile in a cast off fag packet.

You keep looking, though, don't ya?
Oh, aye.

When you look closely at life,

it makes you wonder how it is
that Foggy is heading for the pond.

You shouldn't have let him go.
I should turn, or something, Foggy.

Watch your head, Foggy.

You're a fine one to be
giving that sort of advice.

Mind your foot, Foggy!

Ah! Hup!

SCREAMING AND SHOUTING

Shall I have a fish cake as well
or will that be mostly potato?

It'll still go down
in great mouthfuls.

It's like watching men
forking hay through a barn door.

Foggy's been in a foul mood since
we brought him back from Wales.

Well, you know why. Why?

Well, if you'd married the old lady
and he'd married the other one, that
would've made you his father-in-law!

LAUGHTER

Oh, listen, son, would you like
to bring your dear old dad
another plate of chips?

You shouldn't go wandering, Foggy.

Malcolm Ramsdale never
found true happiness with
all his restless wanderings.

Why, where did he go?

Upper Gledfield Street.

How do they get fish just the
right size for this batter?