Original subtitles

- Hey, Mama!

So I know the other day was a little weird, right?

- When I didn't answer one call from you

so you put everyone in a hole?

- [sighs] I know.

That was a really hard day for me too.

I think we could use a little break,

and I have the perfect getaway.

I am being honored at the Women We Miss Awards

in New York City next week, and I want you to be my date!

- Women We Miss?

- Yeah, it's a glam-packed ceremony

that recognizes important women who used to live in Manhattan

but who don't anymore.

They only give it to women

who are killing it in the sticks.

- And that's you? - Hell yeah!

[loud thud] - [screaming]

It's through my arm too! It's not just sleeve!

- [giggles] - Hi, Seredith Mump-Klein

for "Women We Miss" Magazine. I'll be shadowing you today.

Pretend like I'm not even here. - Okay.

See what I mean? It's a big deal.

- Do you remember why you're here?

- Yeah, to succeed so hard that New York begs me

to come back for a weekend of praise

and maybe a little theater.

- Um, no.

You know how everyone is in New Utopia

because they're waiting for a comet to come

and take them away to a better planet?

- Ugh, yes. Embarrassing.

- You kinda have to stay here for that to happen.

And people aren't allowed to leave

unless they're going to space.

The Elders can come and go,

but that's because your dad gave them beepers.

Don't look at me like I'm weird.

I didn't make the rules. I didn't give them beepers.

- What if we just slip out for a few days?

Nobody will notice.

[glass shatters] [patrons murmur, gasp]

- I think they'll notice.

- What if I'm pretty sure

the comet's not coming this weekend?

- Pretty sure?

Have you even checked the telescope?

- I'm having a conversation. [scoffs]

- You seriously haven't even checked?

I mean, before your dad died, he said it was pretty close.

- Oh, the fake thing is close?

I'm just kidding. Not fake. Just a fake dad thing.

I know you don't believe it; you're normal.

[scoffs] I'm gonna go deal with this now.

Okay, bye!

- What was that?

- I'm stuck to the wall!

[upbeat music]

? ?

[quirky folk music]

? ?

[goat bleats]

- [shrieks]

- So you're trying to control my daughter

and she's being a real... - Hey, Mae Mae!

- Whoa! What about it?

- Um, what are you watching?

- Porn.

- Oh, okay.

I need to know where my dad's telescope is.

I'm trying to go to New York for a few days,

collect an award,

really rub my life in some people's faces,

and of course, I have to look through a telescope first

and assure the wackadoos

a comet isn't coming while I'm there.

- Oh, sausage ball.

You haven't even looked through the telescope yet?

No wonder you've been so hard to get in line.

That comet you'll see is the key to the kingdom.

Go! Go now! It's in the sex hut!

- It's called the Leadership Center.

"So my daughter's being a handful"?

[gasps] Did my dad leave you tapes about me?

- I have my own life!

- Ugh!

Mae Mae's got dad videos now,

I am still expected to learn new things.

This is so stupid.

[gears grinding, metal rattling]

Someone was having some fun.

I'm not looking. I know there's nothing there.

I'll just stand here long enough to say I checked.

I'm bored!

[wondrous music]

- [gasps] - Eh?

Pretty cool comet, huh?

- [gasps] Wait a minute.

What the... he got his saucy rib fingers

on the telescope lens.

- Beautiful tangy comet.

- This is great!

I can tell everybody the comet he said was coming soon

is just barbecue sauce!

New York, here I come!

- You can't do that. - What?

- Now, Petra, I know you're frustrated,

but you wouldn't want to disrupt the system.

- Dad, the system sucks.

Here, I don't have a birthday.

There's one kind of ice cream.

There's gas that makes everyone insane.

I can't even go to New York for one night of gloating

without having to look for a fake comet.

This place sucks.

- D'oh, what about my hot wives?

You love wives.

- No, Dad, you love wives!

- Oh, Petra, you can try to tell everyone it's fake,

but they won't believe you.

I'm the one they trust.

- I am done doing little Band-Aids

to work around your crap.

I'm tanking your belief system once and for all.

Now, stop talking to me!

- You were talking to yourself, silly!

[door slams] [chuckles]

I'm imaginary.

- [whispering] - [groans]

- You look like you've seen a ghost.

- No, no, he was imaginary. - What?

You can't be seriously entertaining

this comet business, can you?

- Mind your business.

- Petey, if you're gonna be messing around

with this comet stuff, you gotta be careful.

These people, it means a lot to them.

- Did you see the comet?

Our salvation that was promised?

- Petra, look at you. You've seen something!

- [chuckles] I saw something.

- I told you you would.

Now tell them. They're whispering.

All: Whisper, whisper, whisper, whisper!

- Okay, everyone, listen up.

- Hey! - Hey. One sec.

- I looked through the telescope,

and I saw it.

I saw my father's comet.

[all gasp]

- See? You can relax now.

Everything is the same.

- Not so fast.

I did the charts, I ran the numbers

and looked in all the files,

and it's coming. [all gasp]

It's coming tonight!

- Oh, my. Both: What?

- Did you see it?

- Yes, Elder Krad, I just said it!

- All right, all right, one at a time now!

Please have all Comet Bucks in a neat envelope

to exchange for tickets.

See this? Don't do this.

- What are you doing, telling them the comet's coming?

Why didn't you just tell them it isn't real?

Because when the comet doesn't come,

people will realize he was full of it.

I need to separate myself from him.

I mean, I'm exposing my dad's lies...

I thought you'd like this.

- I do... in theory.

But you can't just rip the Band-Aid off with these people.

They're acting like they got hours to live!

I'm not sure, maybe divine goo?

- I'm listening.

[upbeat jazzy music]

- Hey. Why don't you take off those glasses?

[soft exciting music]

? ?

Whoa. Wow. - Mm.

- Everyone is seizing the moment and being cute.

Except for you.

- No way, I'm always cute.

You're the one messing with people's heads.

There needs to be a lengthy deprogramming protocol

to ease people out of cult life.

- Oh, stop being hysterical.

Yeah, they want the comet, but they'll get over it.

Y2K happened and everyone was fine after.

- Some people were fine after.

Some people burned their passports

and walked barefoot to Jerusalem.

What kind of people do you think

we're dealing with here... yah!

- [laughing] Won't be needing these!

- These people are gonna need therapy,

emotional support, those shiny, crinkly blankets.

Petey, think about my mama.

[sighs] My mama.

[foreboding music]

- So I'm trying to track how "in" this community you are.

You roll your eyes at a lot of stuff,

but it seems like this comet is freaking you out.

- I'm not freaking out.

- You've been squirting 7-Up

on the floor for three minutes.

- Well, he was right about Pluto!

Where did that come from?

- Exactly. Where did it come from?

- It's just strange.

Like, I'm not some kinda comet wackadoo,

I haven't believed in it for a long time.

Or at least I think I haven't believed in it,

but now that Petey said it's coming, I don't...

[groans] I don't wanna think about it!

- Okay.

- You think I'm weird now, don't you?

- Now? [laughs]

I'm just playing around. Okay, how about this?

You kinda feel like you've put yourself out there

a little bit, right?

- Mm. - Okay.

I'll put myself out there, too, so we're even:

I have a few dates that I've been wanting to take you on.

I was gonna save them for later in the relationship

so I don't look too corny up top,

but do you wanna do them tonight?

Nearby, of course.

You know, just in case a comet, uh,

takes you to space. - Mm.

[dramatic music]

- Dustbust! Dustbust faster!

- Oh, whoa! Mae Mae, what's going on?

- We're preparing the alien cruise ship landing terminal.

This is where the comet will land

to allow us to cross to...

all: The other side of the universe,

where it is nice.

- It would've been easier

if you hadn't stopped construction

and then waited till the last minute

to tell me the comet was arriving in a few hours,

which was such a surprise!

[chuckles] Oh, you're funny!

But don't you worry, Mae Mae's gonna get it all ready,

and everything's gonna work out fine.

- The Dustbuster's jammed!

- There's no time! We'll use our mouths!

[both sucking]

- How exactly do you think these people are gonna react

when they find out the comet

they're sucking the ground for doesn't exist?

They'll be devastated and have no idea

what reality is.

It'll be a humanitarian disaster here, Petey.

I want my mama back.

- A humanitarian disaster?

Well, that won't look good for the Women We Miss.

- Wha? - Oh, nothing.

I do see your point.

We gotta deprogram, and we gotta do it fast.

- We? - I got us into this mess.

You have to let me help.

I really care about this.

If we are gonna get rid of this

jacked-up belief system for good,

we're gonna have to do it together.

- All right.

You didn't leave us a lot of time,

so we're gonna need help.

I'll invite my therapist.

- [gasps] Oh, right.

You're in therapy.

[soft acoustic music]

- [clears throat] - Uh...

? ?

[both laugh]

- Oh, look!

- ? All the things I thought ?

? I've thrown away are still here ?

[electronic bleeps and bloops] - [laughing]

- Hmm.

Hmm. Hmm...

[both laughing]

- Right? [laughing]

both: ? And I'll wait, and I'll wait ?

? To hold you again ?

[both sigh]

both: ? Standing here in the doorway ?

? I will leave the porch light on ?

? And I'll wait for you, and I'll wait for you ?

? For you to come, come back home ?

? You to come, come back home ?

[both sucking]

- [moaning] Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!

- Oh!

- Wow, this has been so fun.

I mean, I barely thought about the comet at all.

- Right. Do you want to?

You know me, I'm cool with anything.

- Look, I know that it's unlikely that a comet is coming

to take me to the other side of the universe.

I get that, but...

[sighs] It's still up here.

- I get it.

Like, I always believe my friends

when they say they're five minutes out,

which really means they're just getting in the shower.

- Yeah, we're talking about the same things.

- Well, if the comet doesn't come,

we could go on a trip together.

Maybe an Airbnb out in nature.

You know, relax, get fresh air,

be so scared of bugs and creepy noises we can't sleep,

hook up, or feel good.

- I mean, hey, if the comet doesn't come,

I could leave... forever.

I mean, if there isn't a comet, what's keeping me here?

[tender music]

- Whoa.

- Wow.

Who knew deprogramming could feel so good?

- I did. That's why I got into it.

I can't believe it.

New Utopia's finally gonna be free again.

Because of us.

[door opens] - I'm here! I'm here!

Ready to do therapy! Oh. - We're working!

- This is how we're doing it?

It's an unusual approach,

but then again, I'm an unusual man.

- Ooh, no, no! - No! No, no, no.

- That's fine too. - Knock, knock.

Whoa, sausage party! Ha, ha.

I'm just kidding, gentlemen... And Petey.

- Who's this guy?

- One of Petey's also-rans.

Just got a message that the crinkly blankets arrived.

Petey'll fill you in. Delegate and so forth.

I gotta say, I am so impressed by you.

Giving up everything here.

Having nothing to show for yourself.

Being willing to go back to New York and say,

"I got jack shit going on,"

effectively burning your inheritance.

Letting go of your inspiring comeback story

without a Plan C.

That's real selfless stuff right there.

- Uh... - Telling the world, "Hey!

"I'm not special; I'm just an average,

"unemployed nobody from a puddle of mud

formerly known as New Utopia."

This was your only hope.

Now it's just another place from your past.

Okay.

You guys behave yourselves.

[laughs]

- Would you like to talk about that?

- Uh...

not yet.

You had something to tell me?

- [grunting]

[chuckles] I have a girlfriend.

- And then she clarified... Not just a trip,

but away from here and never come back.

- [gasps] - And your hair smells good.

That last one's from me. - Really?

Now Eliza's doing all this

because of what I said about the comet?

It's like suddenly I'm supposed to be a nobody

to everyone, including my best friend,

just because my dad's comet is fake?

Like, where is the appreciation?

I have accomplished a lot here!

We had a wedding!

Okay, well, I don't have to list it all for you!

I am a woman that New York misses.

- If the appreciation of New York

means so much to you, why don't you go back?

Women We Miss is just for women

who are succeeding outside of New York.

If I go back because this place has blown up,

I won't be a "Women We Miss"; I'll be a Woman Who Failed.

And that award ceremony blows.

- Thank you for telling me that.

[pensive music]

[chuckles] [cat yowls]

[excited chatter] [feedback squeals]

- Okay, everyone!

Make sure you're in the correct boarding group.

The comet could be here any minute.

- Okay, so in terms of our deprogram program,

what I need from you two is to help me,

not pivot per se, but to build off the plan

that Bandit and I were making.

Can you two keep secrets?

- With all my heart. - We can make a case

for patient confidentiality.

- Perfect.

Now, how do you give people meaning

and feel good and forget about the comet

but also have them trust you

more than the thing they thought they wanted?

- Be careful, Petey.

If you give vulnerable people a little bit of hope,

they'll follow you forever.

- Oh, that's great! I can use that.

Where was that list,

"10 Ways Toxic Cult Leaders Gain Control"?

- I'm a little concerned you're putting

check boxes next to those.

Is your objective to deprogram the cult

only to reprogram the cult?

- Uh, let's call it a rebrand. In a good way.

But yes, still cult, with all of the perks,

like your friends still stick around

and you still have a group of people

you can call your own and you're still a success

in the jealous eyes of your old coworkers.

- I'm not comfortable participating in this.

- Great. You're fired. Me and... what's your name?

- Kimball.

- Me and Kimball got it from here.

Okay, hunk, we have a lot of work to do.

- Thank you for being vulnerable.

[crowd cheering]

- Petey, Petey, Bandit. This is Bandit, go for Petey.

The Eagle is in position

and in love with the Birdie.

[chuckles]

- I know this seems silly, but I gotta see this through.

- I'm gonna wait in the truck

with tissues and turkey sandwiches.

Either way, someone's crying.

[suspenseful music]

- All right, everybody!

It's comet time!

[all gasping]

- Ahh! It didn't come!

[all screaming]

- What is going on? What happened?

- We were promised a comet!

- At this point, I can't say I'm surprised.

- I'm turning to deviance.

- I told my boyfriend my real name!

- Can you hear me?

I need to borrow some pants!

- Come in, Petey! Petey, do you copy?

Petey, do you roger?

Petey, what's your 20? Petey, please say "roger!"

- Fear not, New Utopians.

I have the answer.

[all gasp]

- Eh... wha?

[all murmuring]

- I know you're all upset right now

and feel like your lives are over.

I felt that way once too.

When I got here, I couldn't do anything.

I couldn't play pool darts.

I didn't know what mud was. - [chuckles]

- I had never had sex with three women

who were married to my dad.

Crowd: Aw. - Wait, what?

- But being a part of this community

has changed my life.

I grew to love it.

I grew to cherish its traditions.

And we have accomplished a lot together.

Remember the wedding? [all cheer]

- Our binder. She didn't even use it.

What's she doing?

- The comet did come. It's the comet of truth.

And the truth is,

my father was a liar. [all gasp]

- Maybe she didn't need it.

- But he didn't just lie to you.

He lied to me too. And it hurt.

But I'm not sad,

because I have a little bit of hope.

All: Hope?

- Would you like a little bit of hope?

- Yes, please!

- Will you trust me with your happiness

because there's nobody else who understands you

like I do?

All: Yes, Petey! - Wait a second.

- All you have to do is stay.

It's not a lot to ask.

Just stay here with me. Will you do that?

All: Yes, Petey!

- No, stop! She's culting again!

- Welcome to New New Utopia.

I am the comet,

and I have arrived!

[all cheering]

- Oh... no, no, no!

Mama!

[dramatic music]

Mama, hello.

My name is Bandit, and I will be deprogramming you today.

- Oh, can it, you self-righteous blowhard.

I don't need saving.

- But Mama, she's lying!

You know she's lying!

- What Petey did tonight,

the way she took control of the people,

ooh, that's someone I can really work with.

Oh! That woman.

She's a comet.

- I think you're confused.

- Bandit, I love you,

but you've never respected me or my career.

- Now, hold up, I would never disrespect a woman,

and I would never disrespect a woman's career.

I'm a good man!

- Well, you did. And not just any woman.

- My mama.

[gasps] Be strong now.

[sniffles]

- [gasps] Eliza, hey!

You're still here, thank God.

- "I'm the comet? I have arrived?"

What was that?

- Genius, right?

Like, I don't wanna lose everything,

and I definitely don't wanna lose you,

so I got rid of my dad, and now I make the rules,

and isn't it nice, we can go to New York?

- [gasps softly]

So you manipulated the whole town, including me.

Do you have any idea what we've been through?

- No, my dad manipulated people.

It's his fault.

- Your dad's been dead for a year.

You gotta stop blaming him.

- Uh... where are you going?

- Me and Connie are going to a scary cabin.

- Oh. For how long? - I don't know.

But she taught me something that I hope

everyone else here learns one day:

that there are people out there

who will do a ton of nice stuff for you,

and they don't even have to hurt you first.

- You used me!

Mind if I cut in? - Yep, get in there, cowboy.

- You used me!

You distracted me with lovemaking

so I couldn't be out there, deprogramming!

I almost got my mama outta here,

and you snatched her up again!

- That wasn't my plan!

My goals shifted.

The sex was just also something I did.

But yeah, maybe I don't wanna give everything up.

Why should I have to throw my success away?

- [sighs] I leave you alone for one second

with my therapist and some hot guy?

- Okay, what am I gonna do?

Start over again? Where?

Is there a smaller town for me to go to

where everyone's a mole person

and I have to get them out of the dirt?

- I mean, yeah, two towns over.

The Mole People make great cheese.

- Face it, Petey. You're a liar.

- A liar, just like your father.

"I'm the comet." There's no comet!

[upbeat rock music]

? ?

- ? When the sky consumes the city ?

? ?

? Don't give up on the sun ?

- [laughing]

Mm, take me home!

- Oh, um...

[clears throat] - Wha...

- Uh... - What...

Oh, my...

- Oh, [bleep], has anyone seen that journalist?

- I'm accepting this award on behalf of my daughter,

Petey St. Barts, who couldn't be here tonight.

She's busy with work.

She's busy with work!

[cheers and applause]

- [whispering indistinctly]

- Mm.

Thank you.

Hmm.

- I had gone to New Utopia

thinking I was writing a puff piece

on an average girl who left New York

and moved to the country.

That story would've been fascinating in itself.

Instead, what I found was something much deeper.

Mysterious business,

doomsday proclamations,

Alan Tudyk missing,

a scorned ex-girlfriend willing to talk,

and a mysterious group that some might call

a "C you last Tuesday."

This season on "Shaming Petey"...

- [screaming]

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