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WWW.MY-SUBS.CO
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Heidi, you don't have to be here.
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It's Saturday night.
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Shouldn't you be out with your friends
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fidgeting each other's spinners?
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That's an old one.
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Now we just like listening
to people whisper things.
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And besides, I like being here with you.
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And now, the BcBillan
you just can't kill.
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Oh, my goodness.
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So many beautiful faces tonight.
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So kind of you all to be
here for this concert
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to benefit my dead or
jailed family members.
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My beloved brothers were poisoned,
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uh, by my cunt of a sister
right there on the end.
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Oh, no, no.
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Don't feel bad for me, guys.
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It's a pretty good diet, really.
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♪ Just don't eat anything ♪
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♪ Because you might get poisoned ♪
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Mmm.
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But seriously, though,
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I was never allowed to
write any of our songs
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because of those
cocksuckers right there.
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But, uh, I'm the only one
left, so I had no choice.
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We've got "Short Straw."
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Brave.
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Here we go!
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♪ I picked the short straw ♪
♪ The bruisiest apple ♪
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♪ The grocery cart ♪
♪ With the fucked-up wheel ♪
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♪ I got that short-ass straw ♪
♪ That looks like a toothpick ♪
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♪ The puniest boobs ♪
♪ In the whole damn field ♪
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♪ Short straw ♪
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That's right, people.
I got that short straw.
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And by "short straw,"
I mean "stripper pole."
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Oh.
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Thanks for putting it in, Gene. Wink.
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♪ Short straw ♪
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All right, spin me. Spin me.
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I lost feeling down there hours ago.
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Ah! She's dead.
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Oh, dear.
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She's as dead as a goldfish on a couch.
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You know what?
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Branda couldn't have been the
murderer this time. She's in jail.
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The good news is that
Branda is not the murderer.
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The bad news is that Branda
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is the murdered!
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- No.
- What in the hot fudge?
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How did you know Branda was in there?
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I figured it out.
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Because I stan the
BcBillan family so much.
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And I thank my niece for
teaching me the word "stan."
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My aunt's my best friend.
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Don't know why I said that. Why not?
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There are many things about
me that are not perfect.
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Liar!
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I have irregular pubic borders,
I have butter-soft nails,
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and I have a fourth nipple.
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Stuff of nightmares.
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But I do have perfect pitch
and that piano was off-key.
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We didn't notice it
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because Broda was actually the most
talented musically in the family.
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But she didn't get a chance to show it.
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She was adjusting to the
off-key accompaniment.
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- Let me explain this further.
- Why don't you sing it?
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You know I can't do that.
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Don't be afraid.
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Who wants to hear her sing?
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Abigail.
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Abigail.
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Abigail.
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Abigail.
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When I was in my 20s,
a moth flew into my windpipe,
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and ever since then,
I'm terrified to sing in public.
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Singing in public, my greatest fear.
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Think, Abigail.
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How would you write
yourself out of this?
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Mrs. Mapleworth stood center
stage in front of 2 million people
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at the International Arena of Europe.
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♪ I'm not afraid anymore ♪
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♪ I've kicked down that
scaredy-cat door ♪
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♪ Hey, world ♪
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♪ Hear me ♪
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♪ Roar ♪
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You can do it, Aunt Abigail.
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_
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_
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_
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_
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I just don't understand
why she has to sing it,
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you know what I'm saying?
It's not even an actual song.
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She's just giving us dry
information on the case.
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_
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_
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_
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Stop half-singing. It's unnatural.
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You should be afraid to sing in public!
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What is happening right now?
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Oh, now it's a duet.
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_
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_
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- _
- ♪ Best voice, best voice ♪
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Thank the Lord.
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_
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_
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_
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_
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_
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I'm clapping for all of us
because that was amazing.
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But wait, who killed Broda?
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- Oh. So...
- Enough with the damn singing!
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- Who did it?!
- Death by splits.
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She died of a broken vulva.
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Fun fact, did you know the heart
and the vulva are the same organ?
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It's the longest organ in the body.
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No, actually, sorry. That's not true.
I was premed at Princeton.
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Just...
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Actually, no, I didn't go
to classes so it might be.
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Either or.
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_
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_
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All this crying has
made me chafe my lips.
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Do you have any lip salve?
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Yeah, yeah, yeah.
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I'm sorry, Aunt Abigail.
I know it was your favorite band.
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I'll make you a playlist of
some of the bands I like
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and maybe you'll like them too.
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That's very kind of you.
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- Real talk?
- Mm-hm.
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- You look like a clown whore.
- Oh.
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Well, that's not the first
time I've heard that.
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I used to have a lucrative
job as a circus prostitute.
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And I was always paid under the table,
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where the BJs happened.
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Oh, God. I miss BJs.
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Just kidding.
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Oh, excuse me.
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Well, Heidi, even though
they resented each other...
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- And murdered each other.
- Oh, that's true.
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They were still a family.
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They stuck together till the end.
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Oh.
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Yeah.
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You'll love this band, Aunt Abigail.
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They're loud and filthy,
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just like you, you disgusting creature.
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I'm actually not staying, dear.
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I thought you'd enjoy this concert
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with a couple of new school friends.
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- Oh. They look like total weirdos.
- Hi!
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Yep.
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Thank you. I feel seen.
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- What's up, my bitches?
- Hey.
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Oh, no.
155
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Abigail!
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Gilbert.
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Ah.
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Lovely night for a stroll.
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May I escort you home?
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Yes, of course.
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Isn't this pleasant?
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Abigail, watch out!
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11274
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