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1
00:00:22,123 --> 00:00:25,573
[cheery music playing]
2
00:00:34,935 --> 00:00:35,969
[sighs]
3
00:00:36,003 --> 00:00:37,603
- [gasps]
- [glass shatters]
4
00:00:37,637 --> 00:00:38,973
Oh, that was awesome!
5
00:00:39,006 --> 00:00:40,931
Everyone brought their A-game!
6
00:00:40,932 --> 00:00:43,443
I mean, Psycho, when you made
those T-Rex bones just come to life
7
00:00:43,444 --> 00:00:44,999
and then chase that guard...
Mwah!
8
00:00:45,000 --> 00:00:47,381
Wait, did you just
steal King Tut's body?
9
00:00:47,414 --> 00:00:49,149
Ugh, I was going to
see that on Sunday.
10
00:00:49,182 --> 00:00:51,185
See it? Now you can touch it.
11
00:00:51,219 --> 00:00:52,553
[Clayface gasps]
12
00:00:52,554 --> 00:00:54,321
Yeah, but I've never
been, like, in a museum
13
00:00:54,322 --> 00:00:56,689
and thought, "Oh,
I wish I could touch this dead body."
14
00:00:56,723 --> 00:00:58,023
Uh, well, someone must wanna
15
00:00:58,024 --> 00:00:59,326
'cause it was under heavy guard.
16
00:00:59,359 --> 00:01:03,030
And, we needed a new ottoman.
17
00:01:03,064 --> 00:01:04,197
We'll get used to it.
18
00:01:04,231 --> 00:01:05,766
The news must be all over this.
19
00:01:05,799 --> 00:01:09,003
Let's see what they're sayin'
about us on Villainy.evil.
20
00:01:09,036 --> 00:01:10,572
Wait... What?
21
00:01:10,605 --> 00:01:13,174
KGBeast's getting nominated
for the Legion of Doom?
22
00:01:13,206 --> 00:01:14,709
I'm way better than him.
23
00:01:14,742 --> 00:01:17,144
People must be freaking
out in the comments.
24
00:01:17,177 --> 00:01:19,647
"This was long overdue. Yay."
25
00:01:19,680 --> 00:01:21,915
"Worked with him on
three assassinations."
26
00:01:21,948 --> 00:01:23,216
So professional.
27
00:01:23,251 --> 00:01:24,951
"Couldn't have happened
to a better guy."
28
00:01:24,984 --> 00:01:26,319
Screw you, better guy.
29
00:01:26,353 --> 00:01:28,155
What the hell does it
take to get nominated?
30
00:01:28,188 --> 00:01:30,024
Ooh, look, here's one about you,
31
00:01:30,057 --> 00:01:32,393
"Why's no one talking
about Harley Quinn?
32
00:01:32,427 --> 00:01:35,162
I'd like to nominate
her to sit on my face."
33
00:01:35,195 --> 00:01:37,131
Okay, well, that... Mm.
34
00:01:37,164 --> 00:01:39,599
Should have read it through.
35
00:01:39,632 --> 00:01:41,902
[screams]
36
00:01:41,936 --> 00:01:43,337
[grunts]
37
00:01:43,370 --> 00:01:45,639
Um, do you wanna just,
like, use your words?
38
00:01:45,640 --> 00:01:49,543
I've been busting my ass to get noticed
by the Legion for the last two months.
39
00:01:49,576 --> 00:01:51,212
I've done everything
there is to do.
40
00:01:51,245 --> 00:01:52,546
You mean we've done?
41
00:01:52,579 --> 00:01:54,180
Yeah, I was using the royal "I."
42
00:01:54,215 --> 00:01:56,150
Sorry for the rant.
I'm, I'm, I'm fine now.
43
00:01:56,183 --> 00:01:58,052
- [growls, grunts]
- [others gasp and grunt]
44
00:01:58,084 --> 00:02:00,888
Okay, now I'm fine.
45
00:02:00,921 --> 00:02:05,025
Hey, so, I can't help but notice
you're being extra Harley today.
46
00:02:05,058 --> 00:02:06,727
And I just, honestly,
47
00:02:06,760 --> 00:02:08,906
I don't understand your obsession
with the Legion of Doom.
48
00:02:08,930 --> 00:02:11,798
I mean, those guys are
genuinely pieces of shit.
49
00:02:11,799 --> 00:02:13,768
Uh, yeah. Obviously.
50
00:02:13,801 --> 00:02:16,871
But those pieces of shit are the only
people Joker ever treated as equals.
51
00:02:16,905 --> 00:02:19,340
I'll never match up to him
unless I'm in the Legion, too.
52
00:02:19,372 --> 00:02:21,108
Okay, so, what you're saying is
53
00:02:21,141 --> 00:02:22,508
you're not over your ex,
54
00:02:22,509 --> 00:02:24,544
and you wanna throw your
success in his face.
55
00:02:24,578 --> 00:02:25,578
Exactly.
56
00:02:25,579 --> 00:02:27,657
Honestly, that might be the most
relatable thing you've ever said.
57
00:02:27,681 --> 00:02:29,549
All right, people,
listen, I want ideas.
58
00:02:29,550 --> 00:02:31,617
Somethin' that's gonna get us
on the Legion of Doom's radar.
59
00:02:31,618 --> 00:02:33,823
I could call my old
pal Hank Kissinger.
60
00:02:33,824 --> 00:02:37,024
I'm sure he hasa few war
crimes he never pulled off.
61
00:02:37,056 --> 00:02:38,359
I know we're criminals,
62
00:02:38,391 --> 00:02:40,394
but are we really war criminals?
63
00:02:40,427 --> 00:02:41,962
No one thinks they're
a war criminal,
64
00:02:41,997 --> 00:02:44,164
then you find yourself
aiding a separatist movement
65
00:02:44,198 --> 00:02:45,966
to overthrow a
democratically elected leader
66
00:02:46,000 --> 00:02:48,200
and boom, you're a war criminal.
67
00:02:48,201 --> 00:02:49,803
Maybe we could steal
some new computers
68
00:02:49,804 --> 00:02:52,271
'cause that one you
smashed was mine.
69
00:02:52,272 --> 00:02:53,508
That's it. WayneTech.
70
00:02:53,540 --> 00:02:55,841
You wanna legally
purchase computers?
71
00:02:55,842 --> 00:02:57,044
I wasn't thinkin' legal,
72
00:02:57,076 --> 00:02:59,212
and I wasn't thinking computers.
73
00:03:01,080 --> 00:03:02,716
We're gonna rob Bruce Wayne.
74
00:03:02,748 --> 00:03:06,049
[theme music playing]
75
00:03:09,691 --> 00:03:12,026
All right,
this is what we're going after.
76
00:03:12,058 --> 00:03:14,328
[gasps] It's beautiful.
77
00:03:14,361 --> 00:03:15,929
And on the 26th floor.
78
00:03:15,962 --> 00:03:17,532
Cool. How we gonna get it down?
79
00:03:17,564 --> 00:03:20,268
We'll Fast and Furious 7 it.
80
00:03:20,300 --> 00:03:22,270
Guys, that's the one
where they shoot a car
81
00:03:22,302 --> 00:03:24,572
from one skyscraper
into another skyscraper.
82
00:03:24,605 --> 00:03:27,108
But, you know, ultimately,
they're just all about family.
83
00:03:27,140 --> 00:03:30,277
Clayface,
activate "Operation Douche."
84
00:03:30,311 --> 00:03:32,847
Uh, sir, please,
have you seen my daughter?
85
00:03:32,881 --> 00:03:34,782
I mean well, technically,
I'm not her father.
86
00:03:34,816 --> 00:03:39,219
I mean, you see, the Lord hath
cursed me with empathy, it's...
87
00:03:39,252 --> 00:03:41,020
for my wife strayed.
88
00:03:41,055 --> 00:03:42,590
It's an emotionally
complex tale,
89
00:03:42,623 --> 00:03:45,727
that,
if you have two hours to spare,
90
00:03:45,759 --> 00:03:48,429
I can burden you
with my tale of woe.
91
00:03:48,462 --> 00:03:51,331
Harley, thank you for letting
me use my brains, for once.
92
00:03:51,365 --> 00:03:53,834
Most people don't
let me be who I am.
93
00:03:53,866 --> 00:03:55,301
[growls]
94
00:03:55,302 --> 00:03:56,703
Ooh, okay,
I see what we're workin' with here.
95
00:03:56,704 --> 00:03:58,673
I can hack the
first three doors,
96
00:03:58,705 --> 00:04:01,492
but the retinal scanner at the
entrance to the room is on you.
97
00:04:02,810 --> 00:04:04,110
- [humming]
- 24,
98
00:04:04,145 --> 00:04:05,145
25,
99
00:04:05,179 --> 00:04:06,780
26.
100
00:04:06,813 --> 00:04:08,848
[gasps] Here we go.
101
00:04:08,882 --> 00:04:10,318
[Dr. Psycho screams]
102
00:04:10,350 --> 00:04:11,686
Oh, shit.
103
00:04:11,718 --> 00:04:14,255
Now why was she
put down so gently?
104
00:04:14,256 --> 00:04:17,823
Um, because she's not a misogynist
troll that should be living in a well?
105
00:04:17,824 --> 00:04:22,163
Psycho, focus.
106
00:04:22,196 --> 00:04:25,199
[grunting]
107
00:04:25,232 --> 00:04:26,581
[groans]
108
00:04:32,372 --> 00:04:34,709
[Harley gasps in awe]
109
00:04:34,742 --> 00:04:36,778
It's even more
beautiful in person.
110
00:04:36,810 --> 00:04:39,145
Listen, could you do your dumb
twisty twirls and get the bike,
111
00:04:39,146 --> 00:04:44,146
so we can get the
hell out of here?
112
00:04:46,521 --> 00:04:48,689
Hello,
what the hell are you doing?
113
00:04:48,723 --> 00:04:51,324
Stealing whatever's in here,
it's "even more restricted."
114
00:04:51,358 --> 00:04:52,528
Oh, perfect.
115
00:04:52,560 --> 00:04:54,394
"Even more restricted."
116
00:04:54,427 --> 00:04:56,230
You're the psycho.
117
00:04:56,264 --> 00:04:59,165
[Clayface] Mind you, that wasn't
the first time I was cuckolded...
118
00:04:59,199 --> 00:05:00,735
[explosion]
119
00:05:00,767 --> 00:05:04,103
I called an audible.
Let's get the hell out of here.
120
00:05:04,137 --> 00:05:06,387
[alarm blares]
121
00:05:12,213 --> 00:05:13,747
[grunts]
122
00:05:13,779 --> 00:05:15,814
[screams]
123
00:05:15,815 --> 00:05:16,816
My arm.
124
00:05:16,817 --> 00:05:17,985
It's too late. We got to go.
125
00:05:18,017 --> 00:05:19,018
But my arm.
126
00:05:19,019 --> 00:05:20,555
You just called an audible.
127
00:05:20,588 --> 00:05:22,757
Can't we call another
one and get my limb?
128
00:05:22,790 --> 00:05:24,559
Can't you just grow a new one?
129
00:05:24,591 --> 00:05:26,293
And where the fuck is Psycho?
130
00:05:26,326 --> 00:05:28,262
[cackling]
131
00:05:28,295 --> 00:05:29,564
Is that the...
132
00:05:29,596 --> 00:05:33,100
- I am a golden god.
- [bike revving]
133
00:05:33,132 --> 00:05:34,168
Ah. Damn it.
134
00:05:34,201 --> 00:05:35,572
[screams]
135
00:05:35,605 --> 00:05:38,671
Fuckin' hell.
136
00:05:38,672 --> 00:05:39,540
[grunts]
137
00:05:39,541 --> 00:05:41,875
Oh, you little bitch.
138
00:05:41,908 --> 00:05:43,642
Oh, don't you...
139
00:05:43,677 --> 00:05:46,213
[screams]
140
00:05:46,247 --> 00:05:47,514
[tires screeching]
141
00:05:47,548 --> 00:05:49,716
[police sirens blaring]
142
00:05:51,017 --> 00:05:52,086
Jim, what's wrong?
143
00:05:52,119 --> 00:05:53,921
[groans] Ah... It's Barb.
144
00:05:53,922 --> 00:05:55,790
You know,
she's sleeping with someone else.
145
00:05:55,822 --> 00:05:57,425
And the worst part,
I can't blame her.
146
00:05:57,458 --> 00:05:59,025
I mean,
a woman can only go so long
147
00:05:59,026 --> 00:06:01,327
watching the dead eyes of
her lover thrust atop her,
148
00:06:01,362 --> 00:06:03,197
before she looks
for something new.
149
00:06:03,230 --> 00:06:05,899
So, you didn't call me about the
break-in at Wayne Enterprises?
150
00:06:05,932 --> 00:06:07,134
What? No.
151
00:06:07,168 --> 00:06:09,269
Oh, this is about the
break-down of my marriage.
152
00:06:09,302 --> 00:06:11,271
The signal is for emergencies.
153
00:06:11,305 --> 00:06:12,939
- Well...
- Emergencies.
154
00:06:12,973 --> 00:06:14,299
You've abused it.
155
00:06:14,300 --> 00:06:16,075
Look, my personal life
is a mess right now,
156
00:06:16,076 --> 00:06:18,844
and I thought I could talk
about that with my friend.
157
00:06:18,845 --> 00:06:20,448
We're co-workers.
158
00:06:20,449 --> 00:06:22,726
Harley stole some highly sensitive
tech from Wayne Enterprises.
159
00:06:22,750 --> 00:06:25,017
In her hands,
it could be catastrophic.
160
00:06:25,052 --> 00:06:26,855
Oh, well, then, I'm on it,
161
00:06:26,889 --> 00:06:28,555
co-worker.
162
00:06:28,588 --> 00:06:30,223
Here,
evidence from the crime scene.
163
00:06:30,257 --> 00:06:31,959
- Yeah, what's that?
- Ask it yourself.
164
00:06:31,992 --> 00:06:34,060
You used to be such
a damn good cop.
165
00:06:34,093 --> 00:06:35,795
I damn still am.
166
00:06:35,829 --> 00:06:40,600
Prove it.
167
00:06:40,634 --> 00:06:41,670
[The Arm whimpering]
168
00:06:41,704 --> 00:06:45,372
[gasps]
169
00:06:45,406 --> 00:06:46,708
Oh, that was awesome.
170
00:06:46,740 --> 00:06:48,343
Everyone kicked major ass.
171
00:06:48,377 --> 00:06:51,678
I mean, Psycho,
when you froze that security guard, mwah!
172
00:06:51,713 --> 00:06:55,249
Ah-uh. Don't you dare
Italian chef finger kiss
173
00:06:55,281 --> 00:06:57,084
any part of that disaster.
174
00:06:57,117 --> 00:06:58,685
You screwed up the plan.
175
00:06:58,720 --> 00:07:00,654
I'm ready for the heist,
176
00:07:00,687 --> 00:07:04,891
and it's-a gonna be-a delicious.
177
00:07:04,925 --> 00:07:06,427
[laughs] Hm.
178
00:07:06,459 --> 00:07:10,497
[mechanical whirring]
179
00:07:10,531 --> 00:07:14,401
[grunts] Aye, aye,
aye, aye, aye, oye.
180
00:07:14,435 --> 00:07:17,471
[groaning] Aye.
181
00:07:17,504 --> 00:07:18,739
[kisses]
182
00:07:18,740 --> 00:07:20,794
Shit.
I missed the heist, didn't I?
183
00:07:20,795 --> 00:07:22,175
If you could call it that.
184
00:07:22,209 --> 00:07:23,976
Clayface lost his arm.
185
00:07:24,011 --> 00:07:25,811
No, no, it's fine.
186
00:07:25,812 --> 00:07:29,050
I'll just play one-armed characters
for the rest of my career.
187
00:07:29,084 --> 00:07:32,217
Perhaps they'll make
a sequel to 127 Hours.
188
00:07:32,218 --> 00:07:33,619
There has been light buzz.
189
00:07:33,620 --> 00:07:35,155
You guys are thinkin'
small-time, all right?
190
00:07:35,156 --> 00:07:37,557
This is a way bigger
score than that bike.
191
00:07:37,591 --> 00:07:39,725
This, this thing is a...
192
00:07:39,726 --> 00:07:42,849
a highly classified
technological device
193
00:07:42,850 --> 00:07:45,465
that's gonna blow the minds
of the Legion of Doom.
194
00:07:45,466 --> 00:07:47,333
You have no idea what that
does, do you?
195
00:07:47,334 --> 00:07:48,334
Yes, I do.
196
00:07:48,335 --> 00:07:49,536
Something...
197
00:07:49,569 --> 00:07:51,000
Something button related?
198
00:07:51,004 --> 00:07:53,406
Look, either way,
it is obviously important.
199
00:07:53,440 --> 00:07:55,742
I bet you this heist's
all over the news.
200
00:07:55,776 --> 00:07:57,811
I mean, look,
this is what I'm talkin' about.
201
00:07:57,812 --> 00:07:59,513
We even got reviewed
by The Cowled Critic.
202
00:07:59,514 --> 00:08:02,182
I mean, he's like the only
reviewer the Legion of Doom reads.
203
00:08:02,216 --> 00:08:04,017
[laugh]
204
00:08:04,052 --> 00:08:07,088
All right, I learned something
today, Cowlheads,
205
00:08:07,122 --> 00:08:12,424
and that is Harley Quinn and her crew
aren't worthy of Legionnaires' disease,
206
00:08:12,425 --> 00:08:14,028
let alone the Legion of Doom.
207
00:08:14,062 --> 00:08:16,197
- Wait, what?
- But what should I have expected
208
00:08:16,230 --> 00:08:20,367
when the crew has the
universally hated Dr. Psycho,
209
00:08:20,401 --> 00:08:23,202
-and his hussy new girlfriend, Poison Ivy.
-[woman moans]
210
00:08:23,237 --> 00:08:24,672
Oh, fuck off.
211
00:08:24,704 --> 00:08:26,640
That is completely
out of context.
212
00:08:26,641 --> 00:08:28,440
I knew I should've let
you fall to your death.
213
00:08:28,442 --> 00:08:30,877
And the piece de resistance?
214
00:08:30,911 --> 00:08:33,014
Harley Quinn is so inept,
215
00:08:33,047 --> 00:08:35,350
she left behind a
member of her own team
216
00:08:35,383 --> 00:08:38,052
who is now in the hands
of the Gotham Police.
217
00:08:38,086 --> 00:08:39,586
What the hell's
he talkin' about?
218
00:08:39,620 --> 00:08:41,221
We all made it
back in one piece.
219
00:08:41,254 --> 00:08:44,524
Not exactly.
220
00:08:44,557 --> 00:08:46,159
Tell me where Harley Quinn is.
221
00:08:46,192 --> 00:08:47,894
[whimpering]
222
00:08:47,928 --> 00:08:50,431
I just wanna get back to my dad.
223
00:08:50,464 --> 00:08:51,633
All right. Okay, okay.
224
00:08:51,667 --> 00:08:53,600
Well, okay.
225
00:08:53,634 --> 00:08:55,702
How about if you
tell me about him?
226
00:08:55,735 --> 00:08:58,572
I can't, 'cause I'm not
supposed to talk to strangers.
227
00:08:58,605 --> 00:09:00,740
Oh, but I'm not a stranger.
228
00:09:00,774 --> 00:09:02,677
No, my name is Jim.
229
00:09:02,710 --> 00:09:05,745
I'm a hardworking detective
with a beautiful wife
230
00:09:05,779 --> 00:09:08,148
who won't touch me even though
I treat her like a queen
231
00:09:08,182 --> 00:09:09,249
and do everything for her.
232
00:09:09,283 --> 00:09:10,283
- Everything!
- [whimpers]
233
00:09:10,284 --> 00:09:11,753
But that's not your problem.
234
00:09:11,787 --> 00:09:14,655
Well, she doesn't sound
like a friend to me.
235
00:09:14,690 --> 00:09:17,299
That's exactly what I've been saying
to anyone who would listen to me.
236
00:09:17,323 --> 00:09:18,725
Which is no one.
237
00:09:18,759 --> 00:09:20,827
But that's not what
we're here to talk about.
238
00:09:20,861 --> 00:09:24,498
But maybe it should be, Jim.
239
00:09:24,532 --> 00:09:26,634
My God, you're right...
240
00:09:26,667 --> 00:09:29,235
So,
it knows everything you know?
241
00:09:29,269 --> 00:09:30,804
Yes, we've been over this.
242
00:09:30,837 --> 00:09:32,173
My arm is a piece of me.
243
00:09:32,206 --> 00:09:33,841
But it wouldn't give
away our location,
244
00:09:33,875 --> 00:09:35,909
turn us in, testify against
us, would it?
245
00:09:35,942 --> 00:09:37,812
Who knows? It's like a kid.
246
00:09:37,845 --> 00:09:39,113
It'll do anything for approval.
247
00:09:39,147 --> 00:09:41,081
Huh,
wonder where it got that from.
248
00:09:41,115 --> 00:09:43,050
Ugh, if he squeals,
the Cowled Critic will have a field day,
249
00:09:43,051 --> 00:09:45,086
and the Legion of Doom
will never take me.
250
00:09:45,119 --> 00:09:47,922
But, mostly, we'll all be in
prison for the rest of our lives.
251
00:09:47,955 --> 00:09:49,345
Oh, yeah, that, that too.
252
00:09:49,346 --> 00:09:52,458
And I'll never get my lost,
little right hand man back.
253
00:09:52,493 --> 00:09:54,061
Yeah, that, that, that too, too.
254
00:09:54,062 --> 00:09:55,662
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey,
hey, hey, hey, you know what,
255
00:09:55,663 --> 00:09:57,132
I think I speak for
everyone when I say
256
00:09:57,133 --> 00:09:59,865
that this is completely
fucking stupid.
257
00:09:59,866 --> 00:10:01,603
Can you please fire me now,
so I can get some unemployment?
258
00:10:01,604 --> 00:10:03,702
Okay. No one's going anywhere.
259
00:10:03,703 --> 00:10:05,407
'Cause we're gonna
rescue your arm.
260
00:10:05,440 --> 00:10:09,177
We are gonna break into the
Gotham City Police Department.
261
00:10:09,210 --> 00:10:13,014
If we pull it off,
the Legion'll call us in no time.
262
00:10:13,047 --> 00:10:14,781
Oh, and Clayface
will have two arms.
263
00:10:14,782 --> 00:10:16,851
Look, I'd love to come
along, and support you but...
264
00:10:16,884 --> 00:10:19,385
But ya wanna find the critic that said
you're the biggest fuck up on my crew
265
00:10:19,386 --> 00:10:20,954
and tear him a new asshole,
I get it, I get it.
266
00:10:20,955 --> 00:10:22,456
I will not be slandered.
267
00:10:22,490 --> 00:10:25,292
I'll help. I'll help you
smack him around a little bit.
268
00:10:25,326 --> 00:10:27,003
What? For you. Obviously.
269
00:10:27,004 --> 00:10:29,528
I mean, I can't let this anonymous asshole
talk shit about my best friend, right?
270
00:10:29,529 --> 00:10:31,835
Aw, Ive, you'd hurt him for me?
271
00:10:31,868 --> 00:10:33,868
Yes. Absolutely.
272
00:10:33,900 --> 00:10:36,403
And because he claimed
I'm fucking Psycho.
273
00:10:36,437 --> 00:10:37,738
But mostly for you, babe.
274
00:10:37,772 --> 00:10:38,904
But also for me.
275
00:10:38,905 --> 00:10:40,340
But for you. For us.
276
00:10:40,341 --> 00:10:41,943
It's fine. Let's go.
277
00:10:44,178 --> 00:10:48,182
I can't believe that bad old Batman
took away your special signal.
278
00:10:48,216 --> 00:10:50,517
After all the cases
I've helped him solve.
279
00:10:50,518 --> 00:10:52,018
I'm the one that
does the grunt work.
280
00:10:52,019 --> 00:10:53,987
All I ask is that occasionally
281
00:10:53,988 --> 00:10:56,823
when my wife is emotionally
distant during sex, he listens.
282
00:10:56,857 --> 00:10:58,058
Not to the sex,
283
00:10:58,091 --> 00:10:59,426
But, to me, talking about the...
284
00:10:59,460 --> 00:11:00,760
Yeah.
285
00:11:00,794 --> 00:11:03,062
Jim, you sound like
a really good cop.
286
00:11:03,096 --> 00:11:04,831
[gasps]
287
00:11:04,832 --> 00:11:09,067
You know, it's just been so long since
I've heard someone else say that, I was...
288
00:11:09,068 --> 00:11:11,037
I was just starting to
wonder if it was really true.
289
00:11:11,038 --> 00:11:13,908
It's true to me... friend.
290
00:11:13,941 --> 00:11:17,390
[cheery music playing]
291
00:11:48,576 --> 00:11:50,912
[thuds and grunts]
292
00:11:50,945 --> 00:11:53,345
[muffled cries]
293
00:11:56,083 --> 00:12:00,053
A one armed officer...
The stories my mind is weaving.
294
00:12:00,087 --> 00:12:02,956
Ooh. How could he lose it?
A shootout? Maybe.
295
00:12:02,990 --> 00:12:06,594
An explosion? Perhaps!
I know, diabetes!
296
00:12:06,626 --> 00:12:08,962
So, when they arrest
me, I go full shark
297
00:12:08,995 --> 00:12:10,763
and start a riot to
cause a distraction?
298
00:12:10,764 --> 00:12:12,230
[Harley] Yep!
Easy as one, two...
299
00:12:12,231 --> 00:12:14,567
Shark!
300
00:12:14,601 --> 00:12:17,403
[grunting]
301
00:12:17,437 --> 00:12:20,240
[tires screeching]
302
00:12:20,274 --> 00:12:22,909
[camera clicks]
303
00:12:22,943 --> 00:12:26,114
Okay, okay. Plan B.
Clayface, you gotta distract 'em.
304
00:12:26,147 --> 00:12:29,317
Brilliant!
Hm, what do cops love?
305
00:12:29,350 --> 00:12:32,086
It is I again,
your fellow officer.
306
00:12:32,120 --> 00:12:35,089
Hello, chums.
I come baring horrible news!
307
00:12:35,123 --> 00:12:37,625
Joker has kidnapped
Bruce Springsteen.
308
00:12:37,658 --> 00:12:40,293
Some rat fuck stole The Boss!
309
00:12:40,326 --> 00:12:41,427
Don't worry, The Boss.
310
00:12:41,461 --> 00:12:43,697
We're coming for you, Boss!
311
00:12:43,730 --> 00:12:45,465
- [tires screeching]
- [sirens blaring]
312
00:12:45,466 --> 00:12:47,334
[woman on phone] Hello?
My husband's been murdered
313
00:12:47,335 --> 00:12:50,065
and the killer's
still in the ho...
314
00:12:54,442 --> 00:12:57,670
Come on. Just tell me
where Harley's lair is.
315
00:12:57,671 --> 00:13:00,748
I'm your friend, not them.
You said it yourself.
316
00:13:00,780 --> 00:13:02,515
You mean that?
317
00:13:02,548 --> 00:13:03,984
You're not just pretending?
318
00:13:03,985 --> 00:13:05,253
Well, I'm not gonna lie to you.
319
00:13:05,285 --> 00:13:08,822
I was,
but then you listened to me
320
00:13:08,855 --> 00:13:11,024
graphically explain the
problematic intercourse
321
00:13:11,057 --> 00:13:12,928
I'm having with my wife and...
322
00:13:12,961 --> 00:13:15,395
Well, gosh darn it,
you didn't judge me.
323
00:13:15,429 --> 00:13:18,732
Well, Jim, you can't judge
what you don't understand.
324
00:13:18,765 --> 00:13:20,067
God, you're so wise.
325
00:13:20,100 --> 00:13:22,070
Aw, thanks, friend.
326
00:13:22,102 --> 00:13:25,271
You know what?
I'm gonna tell you where the lair is.
327
00:13:25,272 --> 00:13:26,273
The lair is on...
328
00:13:26,274 --> 00:13:27,908
- Don't tell him anything!
- My child!
329
00:13:27,942 --> 00:13:30,510
Give us The Arm, Gordon. Now!
330
00:13:30,543 --> 00:13:32,147
Oh, Jim, don't let 'em take me.
331
00:13:32,181 --> 00:13:36,283
You need me, right?
'Cause I'm... I'm epidence?
332
00:13:36,317 --> 00:13:38,419
Ho-ho-hold on there, crazy guy.
333
00:13:38,452 --> 00:13:41,423
You're a lot more
than just "epidence."
334
00:13:41,456 --> 00:13:43,424
And I'm not going to let
these animals touch you.
335
00:13:43,457 --> 00:13:46,226
If you've got ears,
stick your fingers in 'em right now
336
00:13:46,260 --> 00:13:47,994
because I'm about to work blue.
337
00:13:47,995 --> 00:13:50,865
I'm gonna fuck you to
death with bullets!
338
00:13:50,898 --> 00:13:54,048
[Clayface screaming]
339
00:13:56,037 --> 00:13:59,374
So, you found The Cowled
Critic's house because you...
340
00:13:59,407 --> 00:14:03,110
Heard it through the grapevine.
Yeah, it is a real thing.
341
00:14:03,144 --> 00:14:07,548
[Dr. Psycho] Oh, shit. It's you.
Of course, it's you!
342
00:14:07,581 --> 00:14:09,216
- Who's she?
- My ex-wife.
343
00:14:09,250 --> 00:14:11,418
Why are you at my
boyfriend's house?
344
00:14:11,452 --> 00:14:14,421
Quick side bar.
How did this work... sexually?
345
00:14:14,455 --> 00:14:16,686
Not great!
346
00:14:17,258 --> 00:14:18,993
Oh, I should have called this!
347
00:14:19,025 --> 00:14:21,129
I know you're The Cowled Critic!
348
00:14:21,162 --> 00:14:22,863
You gave that review sayin'
349
00:14:22,897 --> 00:14:24,465
me and chick weed
here are a couple.
350
00:14:24,466 --> 00:14:28,100
You think I care about you
and your jolly green whore?
351
00:14:28,101 --> 00:14:29,336
Okay. I'm standing right here.
352
00:14:29,370 --> 00:14:31,538
I don't have time
to give some review.
353
00:14:31,572 --> 00:14:34,509
I'm too busy getting cunnilingus
from my new boyfriend,
354
00:14:34,542 --> 00:14:37,443
- Brad, who's amazing at it.
- [Dr. Psycho] Oh, come on.
355
00:14:37,477 --> 00:14:39,046
Only weak men do that.
356
00:14:39,080 --> 00:14:41,481
[laughs nervously]
Oh, fuckin' hell!
357
00:14:41,514 --> 00:14:42,984
Call me. In other news,
358
00:14:43,017 --> 00:14:45,484
if you didn't write the
review, who did?
359
00:14:45,485 --> 00:14:46,485
Father.
360
00:14:46,486 --> 00:14:47,687
Herman?
361
00:14:47,721 --> 00:14:50,223
[gun clicks]
362
00:14:50,224 --> 00:14:52,025
Just give us The Arm, Gordon.
363
00:14:52,058 --> 00:14:53,726
You'll have to kill me first!
364
00:14:53,760 --> 00:14:55,795
He's my friend. My only friend!
365
00:14:55,796 --> 00:14:56,764
What about Batman?
366
00:14:56,765 --> 00:14:58,364
He's no friend.
367
00:14:58,365 --> 00:15:00,399
Now that Batman's abandoned
me, this hand is all I have.
368
00:15:00,400 --> 00:15:05,273
So, you'll have to pry this hand
out of my cold dead... hand.
369
00:15:05,306 --> 00:15:08,074
Why can't you just
leave us alone?
370
00:15:08,075 --> 00:15:09,110
What he said!
371
00:15:09,143 --> 00:15:10,378
Okay. He's sidin' with Gordon.
372
00:15:10,410 --> 00:15:12,212
He's gonna snitch
and ruin everything,
373
00:15:12,245 --> 00:15:14,149
and I will never
get into the Legion.
374
00:15:14,183 --> 00:15:16,116
- And I'd like to have two arms.
- Oh.
375
00:15:16,149 --> 00:15:17,618
Yeah, that too.
376
00:15:17,650 --> 00:15:19,019
All right. Two options, Gordy.
377
00:15:19,052 --> 00:15:20,821
Give us The Arm and we leave,
378
00:15:20,855 --> 00:15:22,255
or I press this button
379
00:15:22,289 --> 00:15:25,225
and blow this whole
fuckin' place sky-high.
380
00:15:25,259 --> 00:15:26,561
Harley, this wasn't the plan.
381
00:15:26,594 --> 00:15:28,562
We have no idea what
that button does.
382
00:15:28,596 --> 00:15:31,164
I gotta do something crazy and
in the chaos we'll grab The Arm.
383
00:15:31,198 --> 00:15:32,931
Okay. You winked.
Is that a wink?
384
00:15:32,932 --> 00:15:34,500
That... "No,
I'm not going to press the button?"
385
00:15:34,501 --> 00:15:36,369
Is that a wink?
"I am going to press the button?"
386
00:15:36,370 --> 00:15:37,171
What's the plan?
387
00:15:37,172 --> 00:15:38,571
- Exactly.
- What?
388
00:15:38,572 --> 00:15:40,206
You've got three seconds
to put that button down
389
00:15:40,207 --> 00:15:42,809
or I'll pull this trigger.
So help me God.
390
00:15:42,842 --> 00:15:46,379
Three... two... one.
391
00:15:46,413 --> 00:15:47,913
[gunshot]
392
00:15:51,585 --> 00:15:54,884
[electricity buzzing]
393
00:15:57,356 --> 00:15:58,393
Ah...
394
00:15:58,426 --> 00:16:03,426
Uh, well,
I wasn't expecting that.
395
00:16:04,597 --> 00:16:07,067
What the hell? [Screaming]
396
00:16:07,100 --> 00:16:08,403
- [thuds]
- [Harley grunting]
397
00:16:08,437 --> 00:16:10,803
[groans]
398
00:16:10,837 --> 00:16:13,139
[screaming]
399
00:16:13,173 --> 00:16:16,143
[Batman] So, Quinn,
you pressed the button.
400
00:16:16,177 --> 00:16:18,477
Yeah, I don't think you got
all the kinks worked out.
401
00:16:18,511 --> 00:16:19,847
It's in beta.
402
00:16:19,880 --> 00:16:23,116
Wow! I always wondered what
the Batcave looked like.
403
00:16:23,149 --> 00:16:24,785
So this must be where
you fuck the bats.
404
00:16:24,818 --> 00:16:26,687
- Hmm. -[Harley] Are you
gonna help me or what?
405
00:16:26,720 --> 00:16:28,121
You've seen the Batcave.
406
00:16:28,154 --> 00:16:30,691
Give me one reason why I
shouldn't let you drop.
407
00:16:30,724 --> 00:16:32,427
Um... Uh...
408
00:16:32,460 --> 00:16:34,596
Hey, Bats, yeah,
I'm here on a mercy mission, okay?
409
00:16:34,629 --> 00:16:36,663
Gordon's on the roof of
the police department.
410
00:16:36,697 --> 00:16:38,398
He's lost his mind.
411
00:16:38,399 --> 00:16:41,535
I mean, I think he's suicidal.
He... He said you abandoned him.
412
00:16:41,568 --> 00:16:43,136
I don't know what
he wants from me.
413
00:16:43,171 --> 00:16:45,940
We're co-workers.
414
00:16:45,972 --> 00:16:47,740
My screensaver just kicked
in, didn't it?
415
00:16:47,774 --> 00:16:49,199
Yeah. It sure did.
416
00:16:49,200 --> 00:16:51,053
I mean, he said you put your
work before your friendship.
417
00:16:51,077 --> 00:16:55,015
That's real... Selfish.
418
00:16:55,048 --> 00:16:57,017
You know, Bats,
now that I think about it,
419
00:16:57,018 --> 00:16:58,285
you and I ain't that different.
420
00:16:58,318 --> 00:16:59,686
We're completely different.
421
00:16:59,687 --> 00:17:01,821
We're both bad asses who
look good in spandex.
422
00:17:01,822 --> 00:17:05,026
This polymer body armor is made
from indestructible micro-fiber.
423
00:17:05,058 --> 00:17:06,492
Yeah, no, it looks like spandex.
424
00:17:06,527 --> 00:17:09,029
[screaming]
425
00:17:09,063 --> 00:17:10,131
[crashes]
426
00:17:10,163 --> 00:17:13,034
[Harley] [groans]
427
00:17:13,067 --> 00:17:15,068
My friend just lost his arm
428
00:17:15,102 --> 00:17:17,471
and, instead of helpin'
him get it back,
429
00:17:17,505 --> 00:17:20,840
I did what would help me
get into the Legion of Doom.
430
00:17:20,875 --> 00:17:22,442
I let him down.
431
00:17:22,477 --> 00:17:25,880
Just like you let Gordon down.
432
00:17:25,913 --> 00:17:27,948
Not good at... emotion.
433
00:17:27,981 --> 00:17:29,049
Or...
434
00:17:29,083 --> 00:17:30,450
[in Batman's voice] Vocabulary.
435
00:17:30,451 --> 00:17:32,285
But hey, you got a chance
to repair it, okay?
436
00:17:32,286 --> 00:17:34,421
We need to get Gordon before
he does somethin' crazy.
437
00:17:34,422 --> 00:17:37,057
Your friend needs you now.
438
00:17:37,090 --> 00:17:39,125
Hmm.
439
00:17:39,160 --> 00:17:40,994
Herman, my sweet Herman.
440
00:17:41,028 --> 00:17:43,431
Listen,
I understand your monster mom
441
00:17:43,463 --> 00:17:47,267
saying those things about
me, but my brood, my own kin?
442
00:17:47,268 --> 00:17:50,505
You made my entire
life a living hell.
443
00:17:50,538 --> 00:17:53,106
You locked me in the
basement for days...
444
00:17:53,140 --> 00:17:56,411
- Mm-hmm. - killed anyone
who seemed to like me...
445
00:17:56,443 --> 00:17:58,980
- That's true.
- never bought me a WayneStation4...
446
00:17:58,981 --> 00:18:02,250
- All right.
- Fuck! You named me Herman!
447
00:18:02,282 --> 00:18:04,218
You're the worst father ever!
448
00:18:04,251 --> 00:18:06,386
Okay.
Can we just take a step back?
449
00:18:06,421 --> 00:18:09,624
I made your life
a living hell...
450
00:18:09,656 --> 00:18:12,192
- because I care about you.
- What?
451
00:18:12,226 --> 00:18:15,328
Supervillains don't
come from happy homes.
452
00:18:15,363 --> 00:18:18,932
And I saw so much
evil potential in you.
453
00:18:18,933 --> 00:18:21,903
If I didn't think you could become
the worst person in the world,
454
00:18:21,936 --> 00:18:24,971
I wouldn't have tried so
hard to make your life awful.
455
00:18:25,005 --> 00:18:26,240
I...
456
00:18:26,273 --> 00:18:27,977
I only ever wanted
to impress you,
457
00:18:28,009 --> 00:18:31,077
but I never thought
I was evil enough.
458
00:18:31,112 --> 00:18:33,716
Uh-uh-uh. Nuh-uh. No.
Don't cry. Don't cry.
459
00:18:33,717 --> 00:18:36,283
You're gonna make me cry because
I thought I failed as a father,
460
00:18:36,284 --> 00:18:39,119
and you ended up
happy, and heroic.
461
00:18:39,153 --> 00:18:40,354
But look at you.
462
00:18:40,387 --> 00:18:43,190
You're more evil than
I could've dreamed.
463
00:18:43,223 --> 00:18:47,428
I couldn't be more proud of
you, my terrible son.
464
00:18:47,461 --> 00:18:50,000
I hate you, Dad.
[Sniffling] I hate you so much.
465
00:18:50,032 --> 00:18:52,833
I hate you too, son.
466
00:18:52,865 --> 00:18:54,835
This is so fucked up,
467
00:18:54,867 --> 00:18:56,869
but weirdly really moving.
468
00:18:56,903 --> 00:18:58,239
[Herman sobbing]
469
00:18:58,271 --> 00:18:59,872
All right,
I'm going to let you guys go.
470
00:18:59,873 --> 00:19:01,709
I'm going to go find Brad.
471
00:19:01,742 --> 00:19:04,777
If you want to stay with Gordon,
I understand. [sniffling]
472
00:19:04,778 --> 00:19:07,314
[in shaky voice] I only
want you to be safe and...
473
00:19:07,315 --> 00:19:08,348
[sniffling]
474
00:19:08,382 --> 00:19:12,653
Safe and happy.
475
00:19:12,686 --> 00:19:15,221
- Holy shit! Can we do that again?
- No.
476
00:19:15,256 --> 00:19:16,423
Oh, so you came back.
477
00:19:16,457 --> 00:19:18,291
Well, I've got a new friend now
478
00:19:18,326 --> 00:19:19,992
- so there's nothing you can say...
- I'm sorry, Jim.
479
00:19:19,993 --> 00:19:21,393
I'm sorry, too.
480
00:19:21,394 --> 00:19:22,863
I knew you'd realize
our friendship means
481
00:19:22,864 --> 00:19:25,066
more than just our
day-to-day crime fighting.
482
00:19:25,099 --> 00:19:29,970
And that we can lean on each other
for our most intimate emotional needs.
483
00:19:30,003 --> 00:19:34,275
Sure.
484
00:19:34,307 --> 00:19:35,609
A damn good bat signal.
485
00:19:35,643 --> 00:19:37,710
- [Gordon] Well...
- For a damn good cop.
486
00:19:37,711 --> 00:19:38,645
Aw...
487
00:19:38,646 --> 00:19:42,854
[The Arm sniffling and whining]
488
00:19:42,855 --> 00:19:46,287
Thank you for
everything, The Arm.
489
00:19:46,319 --> 00:19:48,255
But I've got my real
friend back now,
490
00:19:48,288 --> 00:19:49,757
so you can go on.
491
00:19:49,790 --> 00:19:51,758
Go get reabsorbed
back into your daddy.
492
00:19:51,791 --> 00:19:55,429
[whining]
493
00:19:55,462 --> 00:19:56,762
Aw, don't do that.
494
00:19:56,797 --> 00:19:58,163
[sniffling]
495
00:19:58,164 --> 00:19:59,400
Don't make this harder
than it needs to be.
496
00:19:59,401 --> 00:20:00,667
[sniffles]
497
00:20:00,701 --> 00:20:03,706
Oh, Jim. I'll never forget yo...
498
00:20:03,707 --> 00:20:06,040
[exclaims] Well done!
499
00:20:06,074 --> 00:20:08,442
All right, Quinn.
Time for me to take you to Arkham.
500
00:20:08,476 --> 00:20:10,344
Wait, what? I just repaired
501
00:20:10,377 --> 00:20:12,080
your most important
adult relationship.
502
00:20:12,115 --> 00:20:14,481
[Harley grunts]
503
00:20:14,515 --> 00:20:17,815
[electricity buzzing]
504
00:20:19,686 --> 00:20:21,488
- [cop 1] Everybody hands up!
- [cop 2] Hands in the air.
505
00:20:21,489 --> 00:20:24,724
- [cop 1] You're under arrest!
- Not so fast, gentlemen.
506
00:20:24,758 --> 00:20:25,960
Dance, coppers!
507
00:20:25,992 --> 00:20:28,061
[cops exclaiming]
508
00:20:28,095 --> 00:20:32,701
Let's go. Let's get outta here.
509
00:20:32,736 --> 00:20:34,568
[sighs]
510
00:20:34,602 --> 00:20:38,406
[Dr. Psycho] What a pussy!
511
00:20:38,440 --> 00:20:41,775
And so it is with
a humble heart,
512
00:20:41,808 --> 00:20:45,846
that I come to, Cowlheads,
retracting my previous review.
513
00:20:45,880 --> 00:20:48,715
Harley Quinn and her crew have
more than proven themselves.
514
00:20:48,750 --> 00:20:52,319
Look, look, obviously I want to get
into the Legion of Doom super bad.
515
00:20:52,353 --> 00:20:53,721
It's incredibly important to me,
516
00:20:53,755 --> 00:20:56,257
but not more important
than you guys.
517
00:20:56,289 --> 00:20:58,093
Check this out, everybody!
518
00:20:58,125 --> 00:21:01,663
And I want to give a special
shout out to Dr. Psycho,
519
00:21:01,695 --> 00:21:04,064
who I slandered
in my last review.
520
00:21:04,097 --> 00:21:05,666
Feeling really bad about that.
521
00:21:05,700 --> 00:21:09,636
Using his amazing brain
powers, he made Batman vanish.
522
00:21:09,671 --> 00:21:11,838
His super cool son
must be so proud.
523
00:21:11,839 --> 00:21:13,875
- Uh... That's not what...
- Let him have this.
524
00:21:13,907 --> 00:21:15,809
Also want to
apologize for saying.
525
00:21:15,844 --> 00:21:18,445
Poison Ivy and
Dr. Psycho are a couple.
526
00:21:18,479 --> 00:21:19,513
That one's on me.
527
00:21:19,547 --> 00:21:21,148
- Ah, thank God.
- Finally.
528
00:21:21,182 --> 00:21:24,085
Harley Quinn and her crew
are worthy of being nominated
529
00:21:24,118 --> 00:21:27,287
for this year's class
of the Legion of Doom.
530
00:21:27,288 --> 00:21:30,364
If she could only just stop
leaving crew members behind.
531
00:21:30,365 --> 00:21:31,758
We didn't leave anybody...
532
00:21:31,791 --> 00:21:33,093
Oh, shit!
533
00:21:33,126 --> 00:21:34,428
[slurping] Mm.
534
00:21:34,461 --> 00:21:36,829
[smacks lips] Mm.
535
00:21:36,864 --> 00:21:38,499
[giggles]
536
00:21:38,532 --> 00:21:41,469
Darrell, if you ever bring me
inferior toilet wine again,
537
00:21:41,501 --> 00:21:43,436
I'll be forced to shank
you in the showers
538
00:21:43,471 --> 00:21:45,573
and you know I don't
want to do that.
539
00:21:45,605 --> 00:21:47,309
I like being "cool boss."
540
00:21:47,343 --> 00:21:50,979
[explosion]
541
00:21:51,011 --> 00:21:54,346
Hey, King. I am so sorry for
leavin' ya here for so long.
542
00:21:54,347 --> 00:21:55,716
- Oh, no problem.
- [distant sirens]
543
00:21:55,717 --> 00:21:57,518
It allowed me to
experience firsthand
544
00:21:57,551 --> 00:21:59,921
the failings of the
prison industrial complex.
545
00:21:59,953 --> 00:22:03,523
-[prisoner 1] Yeah! Fresh fish! -[prisoner
2] Here fishy, fishy, fishy, fishy.
546
00:22:03,557 --> 00:22:05,059
[laughing and kissing]
547
00:22:05,093 --> 00:22:07,096
Now, fellas, look,
I know it's just in fun, but...
548
00:22:07,130 --> 00:22:10,597
[yelling] What the fuck did
I tell you about that word?
549
00:22:10,631 --> 00:22:13,166
- Oh, yeah. Sorry, King.
- Ooh. Sorry about that.
550
00:22:13,200 --> 00:22:15,201
Oh. They're learning.
551
00:22:15,236 --> 00:22:17,038
Baby steps, right, Harley?
552
00:22:17,071 --> 00:22:19,874
[yelling] I will kill
each and every one of you
553
00:22:19,907 --> 00:22:23,477
with my bare hands if I have to!
554
00:22:23,510 --> 00:22:31,510
[theme music playing]
41149
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