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1 Does the soup have any dairy?

And I'm cold. Can you turn down

the air conditioning?

I don't know, but what fun questions.

Great news. According to People Magazine

Susan Boyle is not letting her Asperger's

get in the way of her dreams.

Oh, good.

Have you heard of Cissy Donato?

No, but I'm pretty sure someone

called me that in my youth.

Cissy Donato is a YouTube star

who has over 7 million subscribers.

Oh!

Hey guys, Cissy here.

So, people have just been begging me

for my Nicki Minaj impression.

But this week I really wanted

to do "The Cup Song."

So I figured I'd split the d

and give you Nicki Minaj's "Cup Song."

♪ I got my ticket down to Mardi Gras ♪

♪ Two bottles of vodka for the trip ♪

Are you trying to waterboard my eyes?

Billy, I used to babysit this girl!

You babysat? You hate kids.

I know! And she's the origin story.

She grew up two blocks away from me

in Great Neck.

"Cissy 'Shake It Off' parody,

'Shake It Up With a Can of Coke.'"

Six million views.

"Cissy reviews Sephora oil blotting papers,"

three million views.

Let's kill ourselves.

- No, really. - I'm on board.

How're we gonna do it?

Ohhh, sad, old Billy.

Hold my calls, I'll be back

in two shakes of Megan Hilty's tail feather.

Matthew, you're on the clock.

I have a meeting with a new agent.

Does Denise know?

Shut up, Billy.

Of course I know.

I'm dropping him off.

Who's gonna get a new agent?

You're gonna get a new agent!

You're gonna get an agent!

Yes you are! Yes you are!

She cut the line.

We are being lapped by people less talented

and way younger than we are.

I know, we could log 10,000 hours

of practice and these medium talents

would still get three million views.

Yeah, 10,000 hours, my behind.

Malcolm Gladwell's such a dirty little liar.

I'll bet he's a lousy kisser too.

Oh yeah, he either pecks or is way too wet.

Can we get some help over here?

Yeah, I'm coming right now.

I need a palate cleanser.

Oh, let's watch that "Inside the Actors Studio"

where Bon Jovi says his favorite curse word

is "piece of fuck"!

Oh, come on.

You're still here?

There goes my vacation.

Oh, hello to you too, Denise.

You gonna actually order something

or just sit here Googling yourself?

I would order something,

but everything on your menu

is too complicated.

Why does pasta have to have a sauce?

Why can't chicken just be fingers?

Julie has the palate

of a 7-year-old girl.

And the ass of a seasoned blogger.

Uck, look, Billy, Nate and I

will be back from the Hamptons

in three days.

Uh, do me a favor and limit the exposure

of your ginger friend to our customers

so that no one gets creeped out.

Here are the keys.

Uh, the combination to the safe...

I know it, I remember it from last time

and the time before that.

Don't worry about it, girl!

Mm-mm.

We don't do that.

Do you think it's bad that I've only

been in charge for 45 minutes

and I already closed the cafe for a break?

No! I needed to eat.

Denise's cafe is so close

to being a good restaurant,

but everything on her menu has

some kind of chutney or jus on it.

- Hi. - Hello.

- Hi. - Hello.

Can I have the Dora the Explorer?

No, you can't order

from the children's menu.

- Why not? - Children's menu under 12 only.

That's bullshit. So basically kids

get all the show business success

and the good food.

I mean, do you think that's fair?

In my country, I was a surgeon.

Oh.

- Okay. - We'll tip him.

Do you wanna go somewhere else?

Of course I do, yeah, but where?

You know what'd be a great idea actually,

would be a restaurant called "The Children's Menu"

and it would just serve, like, pizza bagels

to adults at regular prices.

That is actually a really good idea.

- Thank you. - Then again,

I told Jerry Seinfeld to stay the fuck away

from Crackle, so what do I know?

Do I look like a Crackle executive to you?

No, but you look like Bill Burr.

Nicest thing you've ever said.

But seriously, do you wanna try it?

I mean, Denise is away, right?

We could just change the menus

and the signs at your place

and have the kitchen throw away

all the vegetables.

- Yeah, let's do it. - Okay.

It'll be just like the restaurant challenge

on "Celebrity Apprentice," but without Geraldo

menacingly walking around

in his underpants.

We're restaurateurs.

I feel like the Jewish Mr Chow.

What can't we do?

Child molester.

Kids and their band names today.

Oh no, this is a flyer for

an actual child molester.

"Thin, lanky, sandy blonde hair,

blue eyes, glasses."

You know what? He sounds cute.

Of all the deal breakers though.

Say hello to the newest member

of the Irv Rosenblatt and Associates family.

"The Secret" works!

Wait, why aren't you at the cafe?

Because we have to buy tampons.

- Gross. - Do you ever tire

of being a bully's clichéed idea

of what a gay man is like?

You're such a bitch.

And I'm living for it.

Oh, and when I tell Denise

that you shut down,

she will fire your ancient ass.

Since when is 35 ancient?

Since... gay.

Can't you fire him?

I'm quitting in a week anyway,

when I join the cast

of "Saturday Night Live."

- Oh yeah, I'm sure. - Good one.

Yeah, my new agent got it for me.

You know how there's all those petitions online

about how SNL needs an openly gay man?

Yeah, I saw that petition on Facebook.

I was gonna sign it,

but then they wanted my email? No.

So they're gonna hire one

and my agent says that he can get me in

to the casting showcase.

But Matthew, how did your agent

ever know you were gay?

I like you.

Bye, Felicia!

He's like the gay son Jiminy Cricket

is ashamed of.

I just hate it when she's mean to you.

Wait, it's okay for me to be call him "she," right?

Yes.

You know I have to gay audition for SNL.

Of course you do, obviously.

We're going to make it happen.

Oh shit, what time is it?

What's wrong?

I told my mom I would go see her

in Great Neck.

She's giving a talk

to her country club

about stress.

- Oh God. - I know, don't ask.

She guilted me into attending.

Guilt is a powerful currency in your family.

Tell me about it. We pass it down,

like our soft teeth and slow metabolisms.

Stress.

Stress.

Stress.

As a psychologist, I deal with

a lot of people who have stress.

Ladies, let me ask you,

what gives you stress?

Yes, Phyllis H.?

What if we can't afford a nice vacation

and we have to settle for a trip to London?

- Phyllis K.? - My housekeeper

makes a lot of eye contact.

Does she want something?

Phyllis other K.?

If Hillary wins the next election,

there go our tax breaks.

Oh, all of these wonderful examples.

If you're looking to make

a Nazi propaganda cartoon.

Now, one of the ways my family deals

with stress is through humor.

My daughter is a comedian.

Technically.

Her career means everything to her.

That's one of the reasons

I don't have grandchildren.

And you have to laugh.

Sorry, sorry, sorry.

- Carol! - I'm sorry.

Marilyn, am I too late for your talk thingy?

Not at all. Come.

Oh God, I was online,

I was reading the latest think piece

on Cissy and YouTube.

Time flies when you have a famous daughter.

My apologies, so sorry.

Well, you remember my daughter?

- Julie, say hello. - Hi, Carol.

Julie! I haven't seen you

since you babysat.

Oh God, I'm so sorry you got

so frustrated with her.

I remember she used to lay on the floor

crying, saying, like,

"I can't wait to die!"

I can't do it, Cissy did it better.

Even back then she was good with impressions.

Did Cissy always sing?

Oh, those skits give me a tickle.

Oh, I love to laugh!

- Laughter feels good. - It's very important.

Well, Julie wants to be just like Cissy.

Oh, well I'm sure, you know,

if you wanna talk a little bit

and get some advice about the business,

Cissy could make some time for you.

I promise you.

Julie, you should make a YouTube.

I mean, yeah,

but, you know, I was working

on this live show and there's

a screenplay idea I have.

Julie, did you ever think maybe

you're not successful because you're

constantly moving around

from one thing to another?

You're right, Mom. You know what?

I'm gonna go home and focus on one thing.

Becoming a YouTube star.

And not to freeze your eggs.

Interesting priority.

Where were we?

Stress!

Hey, Billy, not that I value

your opinion, 'cause I don't,

but can I ask you a question?

No, hold on, I'm reading "Homeland" fan fiction

and Carrie and Saul are about to cry fuck.

Which one of these headshots

is best to leave at the SNL showcase?

They are smiling,

so they're both great for comedy,

but this one, this one's America's farm boy.

He's swinging a baseball bat.

He's comin' home to a windowsill cooled pie

and a glass of thick whole milk, right?

But this one, my hair's parted on the left.

I need to ask you a favor.

- No. - Please, I need your agent

to get me a spot in that SNL showcase.

- Please! - No!

It's just another slot in the showcase.

I'll give you anything you want.

I'll give you a week off.

And half your tips?

Fine. Deal.

All right. Done.

I wanna go on vocal rest anyway

just to see what it's like.

Perfect.

For your vision board.

So tomorrow we'll give D's cafe a mini makeover.

Now that Matthew's gone for the week,

we're good to go.

I never heard from his agent.

Maybe I am too old.

- No! - The less you've done,

the more people want to work with you.

No experience at all?

Here's a TV show.

I fuckin' hate everybody.

I'm actually glad that traditional media

has rejected us.

I think YouTube's gonna be

a good fit for me.

- What are you gonna do? - I don't know,

I can't do make up demonstrations

'cause I'm allergic to everything.

Well, they turned "Drunk History"

into a TV show,

maybe just choose another school subject.

And add "drunk" to it?

Yeah, why not?

Uh... "Drunk Science"?

Yes!

That's actually not bad.

It does combine two things I'm bad at.

It's perfect.

Let's eat, I'm hungry. Are you hungry?

Yeah, let's order food.

I've been cooking over here,

there's no need to order out.

Oh, Arthur, are you making something fancy?

Radicchio with cloves...

No! See? This is why we need

our own restaurant.

What restaurant?

"The Children's Menu."

We're gonna overcharge adults

for cinnamon toast and string cheese.

- You like it? - Pencils.

- That is brilliant. - Arthur,

it's what New York needs.

Yes! Every restaurant tries to zhoosh up

something normal and we're sick of it.

Yeah, spare me from someone's take on a meatloaf.

Oh, an unknown number,

maybe it's Denise.

Or a prostitute with a secret.

You know I follow the food blogs.

I know, I hate that about you.

Barbecue is over, Cronuts are done,

a place that sells expensive versions

of the kind of food you find in bowling alleys

has gotta be the next big thing.

Billy, Arthur loves our restaurant idea.

I got an audition for SNL.

- What?! - Yes!

That was Matthew's agent, I'm in.

Oh my God, you're gonna be on SNL,

I'm gonna be a viral celebrity,

and we're all gonna sell cheese sandwiches

for too much money!

We are on fire!

Yes, tell me Maggie Gyllenhaal

said something about aging actresses today

and it's the best day ever.

What do you think I should do

for my SNL audition?

'Cause I wanna do my stand-up,

but I just feel like they want impressions.

I don't do impressions.

That doesn't mean you can't do impressions.

Let's think of some impressions you can do.

I could do my Chubby Checker.

Come on, everybody,

it's time to have fun.

That's so funny.

♪ Hey, it's the summertime ♪

- It's good. - It's beyond good,

it's wonderful.

But I worry it's not current enough.

I don't know what you're talking about.

It's not Demi Lovato cutting herself

or whatever the kids like these days.

I like political satire

like the Capitol Steps.

- Oh Jesus. - Oh my God.

But I don't like music,

but I do like their song parodies.

It's like his favorite band.

He made me see them once.

You saw the Capitol Steps live?

I had a UTI the whole time.

And I don't know which was more irritating.

By the way, can we just take a moment right now

and acknowledge that this is a big deal?

- Okay? Seriously. - I know.

We both dreamed about being on SNL,

since we were kids, as cast members.

I know, it's crazy.

I dreamed about being guest host also

and a writer and a musical guest.

I think my mom had a point

when she talked about my lack of focus.

- What if I blow it? - That's not what you do.

I hate to interrupt you, Hydrox,

but I wrote to my editor friend at Gobbler

and he loves The Children's Menu restaurant idea.

That's amazing.

Chubby, what do you have to say about that?

Mazel tov, Julie.

I think The Children's Menu is gonna work.

I'm so excited and Arthur emailed

all of his boring food blogs.

Can you imagine if we became

successful restaurateurs

at the expense of our comedy careers?

It happened to Lisa Vanderpump.

Oh my God, I used to love her stand-up.

So, wait, are you doing that "Steel Magnolias" bit

for your SNL audition?

No, I went shopping for a M'Lynn wig

and I thought to myself,

"You're shopping for a M'Lynn wig.

This is not who you are."

So, you're just gonna do your stand-up?

I think that's great.

- I'm so nervous. - Don't be nervous.

Here, I'll distract you with my foray

into YouTube superstardom.

Could you imagine if Andy Warhol

had been around for YouTube?

He would have posted so many irritating things.

Yeah, his Instagram alone

would have been insufferable.

Okay, so I did "Drunk Science"

like "Drunk History,"

but I realized halfway through

that I don't know any other comedians

that I don't hate besides you,

so I used my dogs.

Oh, the internet loves dogs.

Yeah, you'd think so,

then why do I only have 8 views?

Watch.

Drunk fucking Science

with Senator Jelly Beans

and Greg, the dogs.

Oh my God, I'm so drunk.

We are friends.

The three of us are friends.

You just won the Nobel Prize.

I was robbed.

Oh, Babybel cheese.

I was gonna ask you to take me

to the bathroom, but I just wanna lie...

- ... on this tile. - I love it.

If this doesn't get a billion views,

I don't wanna live on this planet.

Oh, thank you, and if SNL doesn't hire you,

then I won't watch the show anymore.

Well, threatening to not watch SNL

is the equivalent of a 7-year-old

telling his parents he's gonna run away.

Where you gonna go?

Still.

Billy, look. It's a line.

Why can't people show up like this

when we do one of our live shows?

You know what the best part

about being dead has gotta be?

Never having to promote another live show again.

Oh, that reminds me.

We have to kill ourselves.

Yes.

The Children's Menu

got some nice reviews online.

- Oh yeah? - Yeah.

If only I could get that kind of press

for the show biz stuff I do.

- Hello? - Hi, I'm in a little bit

of a situation here.

What's going on? What's that noise?

I gave Matthew the week off

and because we got some press,

actual children have been showing up, a lot.

- What? - I know.

I guess if you put "children" in the name

of your restaurant and you serve hot dogs,

parents will bring their kids to it

like it's that goddamn field

in that Kevin Costner movie.

"Tin Cup"? Oh, there's no time for jokes.

You have your SNL showcase.

I'll be right over.

- Tough crowd. - Did they laugh?

- No. Way over their heads. - I know, but that's

what they do, they don't laugh.

I've heard that they never laugh.

Okay, well, now I know how Susan Lucci

must have felt when she took over

for Bernadette Peters in "Annie Get Your Gun."

God, I should have said that on stage.

No, you shouldn't have.

I didn't expect Lorne Michaels to be here.

What? No, Matthew.

Are you serious?

Matthew.

Matthew!

Does Lorne come to this?

- _ - Please welcome to the stage

Billy Epstein.

Hey guys. Uh, I'm Billy Epstein.

Oh, uh, we're still waiting on apple juice.

Madam, this is my own personal hell.

How can this place not have any sippy cups?

Because you don't have

a children's menu restaurant

for children!

You have it for me.

I can't wait to die!

Oo, are you Ariel?

Don't be an idiot

and don't touch strangers!

Go over there.

Jesus Christ.

Are you okay, here?

Oh, thank God you're here.

Just to catch you up,

I'm still a terrible babysitter,

apparently children like grabbing my hair,

and Arthur'll be here any minute.

How was the showcase?

It was good. Lorne was there.

Are you serious? Oh my God.

And I was actually pretty happy

with what I did

and then the second I got off stage,

they told me I didn't get it.

Oh, no.

Who can I cyber bully?

- What can I punch? - It's okay.

I feel pretty good about it

and they said I should keep trying

and then they said I'm pretty green still. So.

Well, that's good feedback

and I have to say, it's nice that

one of us is too young for something for once.

True. All right, now let's get

to the shit show at hand.

How the fuck do we get these kids

out of the restaurant?

Um, what do kids hate?

Jazz.

Uh, the dentist.

Homework.

Kevin Spacey.

Oh, the news.

Maybe we can put on the news.

- Perfect. - Okay.

New York local news is the scariest.

Police say the unidentified victim's corpse

was partially cannibalized

and her eyes were sewn shut.

- Coming up... - Surprise!

Oh, my lucid nightmare has a punchline.

Look at this restaurant.

It's so nice to see you succeed

in some way.

Julie, you're gonna love me.

Look what I brought.

Hi! I'm Cissy.

My mom said you used to babysit me,

but I can't remember.

What a natural storyteller you are.

She is, that's right, yes.

You know what, hon? Julie's trying to be

a stand-up comedian, can you help her out?

Aww.

It'd be nice if you could

give her some advice.

You know, coming from someone

who's doing as well as you.

Well, what is it you wanna do?

Like, what is your brand?

She's not sure, it always changes.

Help her.

Do you wanna see her on the YouTube?

I made a YouTube video with my dogs.

But it didn't get as many views as yours.

Oh, well, I believe in myself, so...

Oh no no, I believe in myself,

I've just lost faith in the world around me.

I do not get people like you.

You are so negative.

Don't you know that you just have to decide

to be successful?

You know what, Cissy,

you millennial nuisance,

you're 19 and you're having a moment.

But we will bury you.

You don't have the strength to last in comedy.

She's one of those people,

"Oh, I'll make it happen for myself.

I'll do my own show!"

"Yeah, don't wait around for a network

to give you a show!"

"Oh, I know what I'll do.

I'll make my own show on my phone!"

"Remember 'Full House'? So do I.

Isn't that funny?"

"I'm so hilarious, I was born in 1996."

Okay, now I'll be you two.

"Wah, I'm old. Wah, I'm lonely."

Oh, see, that's where you're wrong, Cissy.

Because I have a boyfriend.

Yes you do.

And I'm here to help.

Uh... helping hands for all the hungry children.

A new sketch of the child molester

who's been terrorizing schools.

It has been distributed to local communities

and the hope is that authorities

will receive a tip and bring

this horrible monster to justice.

Hey! He looks like me.

What the hell's going on?

What's happening?

Denise, hi!

You're back early. How were the Hamptons?

Shut up, Billy.

What did you do to my menu?

And who the hell is that pedophile?

That's my daughter's boyfriend.

Come on, everybody,

it's time to have fun.

Hi. What's up?

It's your girl, Cissy.

I just got yelled at

by the two meanest meanies

in the whole world.

"Wah!"

Do you guys wanna meet them?

You know what, Cissy?

We will bury you.

We will bury you underground.

- Cissy. - We will bury you.

We will bury you underground.

You're 19 and you're having a moment.

Remember "Full House"?

You millennial nuisance.

- Hey! - Oh, I know everything

'cause I was born in 1996.

How do you even do that?

Yeah, she'll get five million views

and we get nothing.

It's just like The Children's Menu.

Denise made all the money off of our great idea

and all we get in return is you're not fired.

Yeah, this is what it must have felt like

for one of those Motown artists

who get screwed over

by white record executives.

Exactly. You know what?

It's time to stop fucking around

with schemes that have nothing to do

with our chosen path

and focus on show business.

You're right. From now on

it's just show business.

Late night tacos.

No tomatoes on yours, Splenda,

or lettuce or cheese.

It's just a tortilla

with unseasoned ground beef.

- Aww. - Here you go, Billy.

Arthur, what did I ever do to deserve you?

Ah, sometimes I wonder.

Oh, it's 11:35, put on SNL.

I still say it should have been you.

Oh my God, there's a new opening.

It's Saturday Night Live

with Brooklyn Coppola,

Dax Hilton,

Blair Violet Pendelton...

Oh my God, they're so young.

So I wasn't too young.

I was too old.

Ryder Silverman.

Oh, how bold.

I'm gonna keep watching though.

Yeah, I guess.

And your host, the Annoying Orange!

You know, some of his videos

are actually pretty funny.

Yeah. They work.

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