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1
00:00:03,164 --> 00:00:04,734
Merry Christmas Eve, Alex.
2
00:00:04,759 --> 00:00:06,359
So, he's still alive...
3
00:00:06,424 --> 00:00:08,875
Must mean you haven't told Mom
you're pregnant yet.
4
00:00:08,940 --> 00:00:11,398
We want to be careful
to do it right.
5
00:00:11,463 --> 00:00:13,289
Now
you're being careful?
6
00:00:13,354 --> 00:00:14,953
I can't keep this secret
anymore.
7
00:00:15,018 --> 00:00:16,031
Look at me!
8
00:00:16,096 --> 00:00:18,008
Ugh.
She's going gray.
9
00:00:18,073 --> 00:00:19,344
Oh my God,
she is!
10
00:00:19,409 --> 00:00:20,937
I was just gasping at
the haircut.
11
00:00:21,002 --> 00:00:22,273
Apparently,
12
00:00:22,338 --> 00:00:24,545
this is what happens
when I feel stress now.
13
00:00:24,611 --> 00:00:26,570
Well, we're telling them
today, okay?
14
00:00:26,635 --> 00:00:28,125
That way, if Mom freaks,
15
00:00:28,190 --> 00:00:30,680
she'll have 10 days in Bermuda
to calm down.
16
00:00:30,745 --> 00:00:32,383
Okay,
then go now!
17
00:00:32,448 --> 00:00:34,461
She's never in a better
mood than on Christmas Eve.
18
00:00:34,526 --> 00:00:36,086
Wait, is this a good way
to tell her?
19
00:00:36,151 --> 00:00:38,116
We hang a stocking
for "Grandma Claire,"
20
00:00:38,181 --> 00:00:39,765
and when she goes,
"I'm not a grandma,"
21
00:00:39,830 --> 00:00:42,404
we go,
"Tell that to Haley and my's baby."
22
00:00:43,549 --> 00:00:46,115
Promise me you won't
home school this kid.
23
00:00:47,284 --> 00:00:49,125
Hey, Mom.
What are you doing?
24
00:00:49,190 --> 00:00:52,577
Ugh,
Christmas cards are just clutter.
25
00:00:52,642 --> 00:00:53,672
Wa-Wa-Wa-Wait.
26
00:00:53,737 --> 00:00:55,485
You can't throw away
Uncle Cam's card.
27
00:00:55,551 --> 00:00:58,356
You know how sensitive he gets
about his piano placement.
28
00:00:58,485 --> 00:01:00,668
Remember that
one year where his card
29
00:01:00,733 --> 00:01:03,093
was slightly behind the one
from our old babysitter?
30
00:01:03,158 --> 00:01:05,176
Mm, I believe
he spoke the charming phrase,
31
00:01:05,241 --> 00:01:06,628
"And who is this whore?"
32
00:01:06,771 --> 00:01:09,007
Well, Christmas
is at Grandpa's this year,
33
00:01:09,081 --> 00:01:11,326
so Cam
will never see it.
34
00:01:12,297 --> 00:01:14,061
Check out
the sledding polar bear paper.
35
00:01:14,149 --> 00:01:16,050
Can't look at that and not
be in a good mood, huh?
36
00:01:16,115 --> 00:01:18,625
- Yeah.
- I am so sick of that stuff.
37
00:01:18,690 --> 00:01:21,471
I ordered five rolls from
some kid for a school drive.
38
00:01:21,536 --> 00:01:24,109
He shows up
with fifty... his fault.
39
00:01:24,174 --> 00:01:25,537
Kid bursts into tears.
40
00:01:25,624 --> 00:01:27,437
Like it's on me
that he can't count?
41
00:01:27,502 --> 00:01:29,764
- I was six, Mom.
- Mm.
42
00:01:31,903 --> 00:01:34,240
Bermuda just gets it...
43
00:01:34,506 --> 00:01:36,306
formal yet casual.
44
00:01:36,371 --> 00:01:38,350
And home of
the most perfectly tanned
45
00:01:38,415 --> 00:01:40,704
lower thigh,
upper knee region in the world.
46
00:01:40,774 --> 00:01:43,087
Not hard to pick out
a Bermudan in a locker room.
47
00:01:43,152 --> 00:01:45,053
No. Oh, hang on.
48
00:01:45,940 --> 00:01:46,940
Wait.
49
00:01:47,018 --> 00:01:48,117
Well, this can't be right.
50
00:01:48,182 --> 00:01:50,133
This itinerary says
we're on four flights
51
00:01:50,198 --> 00:01:51,468
with three layovers.
52
00:01:51,533 --> 00:01:52,601
Oh, yeah, um...
53
00:01:52,666 --> 00:01:55,086
remember how I found that
amazing airline deal online?
54
00:01:55,151 --> 00:01:56,758
Yeah, but two of
these layovers
55
00:01:56,823 --> 00:01:58,133
are six hours each.
56
00:01:58,198 --> 00:02:00,090
Yes, but the third one's
only 12 minutes.
57
00:02:00,155 --> 00:02:01,283
But it's at O'Hare.
58
00:02:01,348 --> 00:02:02,570
Honey,
we'll have to sprint
59
00:02:02,635 --> 00:02:04,026
from one end of the
airport to the other.
60
00:02:04,091 --> 00:02:06,679
It'll all be worth it when
we wake up on December 27th
61
00:02:06,744 --> 00:02:07,773
in Bermuda,
62
00:02:07,838 --> 00:02:09,351
where the forecast predicts...
63
00:02:09,416 --> 00:02:11,035
hot fog.
64
00:02:11,113 --> 00:02:12,328
Can't we just take
a direct flight?
65
00:02:12,393 --> 00:02:14,708
There's no changes,
the terms were very clear.
66
00:02:14,773 --> 00:02:16,811
It was part of a promotion
for a new website
67
00:02:16,876 --> 00:02:18,280
called Tickets.Plane.
68
00:02:19,441 --> 00:02:21,422
Oh, yeah, I have a showing
right down the street.
69
00:02:21,487 --> 00:02:22,830
Okay. Wait, hang on.
70
00:02:22,895 --> 00:02:25,576
Don't leave. Don't leave.
What is Economy Minus?
71
00:02:25,702 --> 00:02:28,444
A plus, actually,
72
00:02:28,611 --> 00:02:30,758
since no one's jealous of
people with aisle seats,
73
00:02:30,823 --> 00:02:34,647
because it's basically
two innovative 18-person benches
74
00:02:34,784 --> 00:02:36,092
facing each other.
75
00:02:36,599 --> 00:02:37,767
Phil?!
76
00:02:40,048 --> 00:02:41,576
- What?
- Nothing.
77
00:02:51,133 --> 00:02:52,615
*MODERN FAMILY*
Season 10 Episode 10
78
00:02:52,680 --> 00:02:54,650
*MODERN FAMILY*
Episode Title: "Stuck in a Moment"
79
00:02:58,080 --> 00:02:59,536
Who moved Cam's card?
80
00:02:59,601 --> 00:03:02,233
He's gonna be very upset
if he's not on the mantel!
81
00:03:02,298 --> 00:03:03,582
I put it in a drawer
until he gets here.
82
00:03:03,647 --> 00:03:05,259
That glitter was getting
on everything.
83
00:03:05,324 --> 00:03:07,401
I breathed some of that
in.
84
00:03:07,501 --> 00:03:09,234
I cough gold now.
85
00:03:09,299 --> 00:03:11,948
Gloria,
you got a package from Colombia.
86
00:03:12,086 --> 00:03:14,114
Must mean the government
took back the airstrip.
87
00:03:14,179 --> 00:03:17,276
Those are the gifts
from my cousins!
88
00:03:18,334 --> 00:03:20,995
Ow! Beautiful!
89
00:03:21,083 --> 00:03:25,403
Back home we call these
su?teres de Navidad.
90
00:03:25,468 --> 00:03:27,097
So... Christmas sweaters.
91
00:03:27,212 --> 00:03:29,854
Put them on
so we can take a picture.
92
00:03:30,702 --> 00:03:32,450
Wow,
these are really soft.
93
00:03:32,515 --> 00:03:34,316
Damn cozy is
what they are.
94
00:03:34,397 --> 00:03:37,495
Oh, look,
they also sent a banana leaf wreath.
95
00:03:38,647 --> 00:03:39,804
Banana spider!
96
00:03:39,869 --> 00:03:40,879
- What?!
- What is that?!
97
00:03:40,944 --> 00:03:42,754
It's a deadly spider!
It will kill you!
98
00:03:42,819 --> 00:03:43,918
I know what deadly means!
99
00:03:43,983 --> 00:03:46,090
Well, where'd it go?
I'm wearing backless house slippers!
100
00:03:46,155 --> 00:03:47,690
I think it ran over to the...
101
00:03:48,777 --> 00:03:50,643
He took the tree!
102
00:03:50,937 --> 00:03:53,426
Am I the only one
who feels kinda itchy?
103
00:03:53,491 --> 00:03:55,153
- The sweaters.
- Haaah!
104
00:03:55,218 --> 00:03:57,412
Where there's one,
there's many!
105
00:03:57,477 --> 00:03:59,222
- Run! - Run!
- Let's go!
106
00:04:01,264 --> 00:04:02,972
Dear God, he's got the remote.
107
00:04:03,687 --> 00:04:06,184
Oh, ho, hoh!
Okay, smile!
108
00:04:06,249 --> 00:04:07,645
Can we go look at
phones after this?
109
00:04:07,710 --> 00:04:10,465
No, Lily, you are not getting
a cell phone for Christmas.
110
00:04:10,530 --> 00:04:12,122
They're expensive,
and you haven't proven yourself
111
00:04:12,187 --> 00:04:14,239
responsible enough
to own one yet.
112
00:04:14,304 --> 00:04:17,075
Uh, I was responsible enough
to come to a foreign country
113
00:04:17,140 --> 00:04:18,856
and build a life
with two strangers.
114
00:04:18,921 --> 00:04:21,098
Okay, you used that one to get
a later bedtime, all right?
115
00:04:21,163 --> 00:04:22,628
Oh, Cal, you're next.
116
00:04:22,796 --> 00:04:24,354
Ho, ho, ho.
117
00:04:24,474 --> 00:04:27,364
We want Cal to have
a perfect Christmas.
118
00:04:27,429 --> 00:04:29,075
It's tough with his mom
being in prison.
119
00:04:29,140 --> 00:04:32,307
Plus, his holiday season
kind of got off to a rough start.
120
00:04:32,976 --> 00:04:34,028
You know, of all
121
00:04:34,093 --> 00:04:35,558
of our wonderful
ornament selects,
122
00:04:35,623 --> 00:04:36,680
these are my fave.
123
00:04:36,745 --> 00:04:39,447
- Merry Christmas!
- From Mitch and Cam!
124
00:04:39,512 --> 00:04:42,768
Up on the rooftop,
reindeer pause
125
00:04:42,833 --> 00:04:45,135
Out jumps good
old Santa Claus
126
00:04:45,200 --> 00:04:47,619
Down through the chimney
with lots of toys
127
00:04:47,684 --> 00:04:50,049
All for the little ones'
Christmas joy
128
00:04:50,114 --> 00:04:52,674
Ho, ho, ho,
who wouldn't go?
129
00:04:52,739 --> 00:04:55,002
Ho, ho, ho, who wouldn't go?
130
00:04:55,067 --> 00:04:57,446
Up on the housetop,
click, click, click
131
00:04:59,302 --> 00:05:01,104
- He was fine. Fine!
- He was fine.
132
00:05:01,169 --> 00:05:02,729
We barely got
through three verses
133
00:05:02,794 --> 00:05:04,135
and a repeat chorus before
134
00:05:04,200 --> 00:05:05,377
we realized our mistake.
135
00:05:05,442 --> 00:05:06,604
Although that rainstorm
came out of
136
00:05:06,669 --> 00:05:07,713
- nowhere.
- Yeah.
137
00:05:07,778 --> 00:05:10,166
Merry Christmas, little Cal!
138
00:05:10,231 --> 00:05:12,338
Lily, take your cousin over there.
Relax a little.
139
00:05:12,403 --> 00:05:13,442
Okay, go.
140
00:05:13,520 --> 00:05:14,869
- Hi!
- Hi!
141
00:05:14,934 --> 00:05:17,401
Hey, Santa. So, just wondering
if you could you do us a favor
142
00:05:17,466 --> 00:05:20,471
and tell us what... our nephew
just asked for for Christmas?
143
00:05:20,536 --> 00:05:22,385
I know you.
You're that lawyer.
144
00:05:22,450 --> 00:05:23,760
Oh, no.
This is never good.
145
00:05:23,825 --> 00:05:26,362
You're the ADA who charged
me with public intoxication.
146
00:05:26,427 --> 00:05:28,987
Got me sentenced to fifty
hours community service...
147
00:05:29,052 --> 00:05:30,893
working as
a mall Santa is part of it.
148
00:05:30,958 --> 00:05:34,026
Okay. Well, I'm sorry.
But can't we move past that?
149
00:05:34,091 --> 00:05:36,002
We really need to know
what our nephew asked for.
150
00:05:36,067 --> 00:05:38,338
He asked for a more
lenient justice system.
151
00:05:38,403 --> 00:05:40,713
Well, I doubt that.
He's pretty conservative.
152
00:05:40,778 --> 00:05:42,399
We have to pretend to be
roommates.
153
00:05:42,528 --> 00:05:43,946
Can we move this along?
154
00:05:44,021 --> 00:05:46,313
I only have my kids for
four hours this week.
155
00:05:46,395 --> 00:05:47,767
Merry Christmas.
156
00:05:48,012 --> 00:05:49,635
You know what?
As a former mall Santa,
157
00:05:49,700 --> 00:05:51,799
I vowed never to comment
on a sitting Santa,
158
00:05:51,864 --> 00:05:54,102
but you're a disgrace
to the red and white.
159
00:05:54,856 --> 00:05:56,690
Phil, I just got
off the phone with my dad.
160
00:05:56,755 --> 00:05:58,408
We're moving Christmas Eve
to our house.
161
00:05:58,473 --> 00:05:59,713
I got to run out
and get some groceries.
162
00:05:59,793 --> 00:06:01,164
See you soon.
Bye.
163
00:06:01,887 --> 00:06:04,129
Wh...
Where's the tree?
164
00:06:04,211 --> 00:06:05,626
Where are the gifts?
165
00:06:05,949 --> 00:06:09,516
I assumed you canceled Christmas
because you found out that I...
166
00:06:10,063 --> 00:06:11,447
But I interrupted you.
167
00:06:11,512 --> 00:06:13,438
Did your dad take them
to his showing?
168
00:06:13,512 --> 00:06:15,947
He's always doing this...
he steals my decorations
169
00:06:16,012 --> 00:06:17,908
to stage his houses
to make them homier.
170
00:06:17,973 --> 00:06:20,376
He swore
he would stop doing this!
171
00:06:20,488 --> 00:06:22,947
- At least he left the "wreaf."
- Wreath.
172
00:06:23,012 --> 00:06:24,597
Eh, I've heard it both ways.
173
00:06:24,662 --> 00:06:26,977
No, I have, too.
Doesn't make it right.
174
00:06:27,442 --> 00:06:28,571
What are we supposed to do?
175
00:06:28,636 --> 00:06:30,901
We can't host a Christmas
without a tree.
176
00:06:30,966 --> 00:06:33,017
I thought you weren't allowed
to host Christmas anymore
177
00:06:33,082 --> 00:06:34,274
after last year.
178
00:06:35,616 --> 00:06:38,610
I took a swing at a new
way to prepare turkey.
179
00:06:41,196 --> 00:06:42,432
Well, this is frozen.
180
00:06:42,497 --> 00:06:44,330
No, Dad, you just...
you hit a bone.
181
00:06:44,395 --> 00:06:45,837
I saw this
on "Top Chef."
182
00:06:45,903 --> 00:06:48,610
They cooked an entire
turkey in one hour.
183
00:06:48,716 --> 00:06:50,602
Luke had some, you're fine.
Aren't you, buddy?
184
00:06:51,701 --> 00:06:53,180
Check on Joe.
185
00:06:55,160 --> 00:06:57,094
- Oh, no.
- Ohh! Hoi!
186
00:06:59,668 --> 00:07:02,540
Oh, your father
isn't answering.
187
00:07:02,934 --> 00:07:04,609
You knew about this, didn't you?
188
00:07:04,674 --> 00:07:06,399
I could tell
you were hiding something.
189
00:07:10,278 --> 00:07:11,497
Phil?
190
00:07:12,223 --> 00:07:13,450
Phil!
191
00:07:13,910 --> 00:07:15,106
Ph... Oh!
192
00:07:16,035 --> 00:07:18,049
This theater is
totally soundproof,
193
00:07:18,114 --> 00:07:20,034
so no one will hear you
yelling at Jim
194
00:07:20,099 --> 00:07:21,962
to pick up his socks,
Sandy.
195
00:07:22,067 --> 00:07:23,383
She does get loud.
196
00:07:27,911 --> 00:07:29,307
So, all of this,
197
00:07:29,372 --> 00:07:31,643
plus it's in a great school
dist... rict.
198
00:07:31,708 --> 00:07:33,938
Oh my God,
was this house just robbed?
199
00:07:34,036 --> 00:07:35,932
I told you
this was a sketchy area.
200
00:07:35,997 --> 00:07:37,869
I am not going through
another home invasion
201
00:07:37,934 --> 00:07:40,532
with the kids and me banging
on the panic room door.
202
00:07:40,858 --> 00:07:43,729
So, you guys chat,
and I'll, uh, take a minute,
203
00:07:43,794 --> 00:07:44,909
see if I can find a
204
00:07:44,974 --> 00:07:46,213
replacement tree
205
00:07:46,278 --> 00:07:48,469
and nine identically
wrapped gifts.
206
00:07:49,644 --> 00:07:52,102
It's the perfect way to get
your mom in a good mood.
207
00:07:52,216 --> 00:07:54,362
Think about it...
cupcakes are little cakes
208
00:07:54,427 --> 00:07:56,104
just like
babies are little people.
209
00:07:56,169 --> 00:07:57,192
I guess.
210
00:07:57,270 --> 00:07:58,729
I just want this
to go well.
211
00:07:58,802 --> 00:08:00,416
I'm in a really good
place with this baby,
212
00:08:00,481 --> 00:08:02,165
and I want my mom
to be, too.
213
00:08:02,456 --> 00:08:04,471
She wasn't in the
best mood this morning.
214
00:08:04,536 --> 00:08:05,618
It's Christmas Eve.
215
00:08:05,683 --> 00:08:07,696
She can't stay a Grinch
all day.
216
00:08:16,255 --> 00:08:17,497
Thank you.
217
00:08:17,716 --> 00:08:19,315
That was
the exterminator.
218
00:08:19,380 --> 00:08:20,721
He is, uh,
on his way,
219
00:08:20,786 --> 00:08:23,104
but he's gonna have to tent
the house for a couple of days.
220
00:08:23,169 --> 00:08:25,908
And I'm trying to book us a hotel,
but the call keeps dropping.
221
00:08:25,973 --> 00:08:28,446
Joe, let's go to the backyard.
There's better reception.
222
00:08:30,137 --> 00:08:31,877
Hey, listen.
I left something inside.
223
00:08:31,942 --> 00:08:34,299
I need you to get it for me.
This should keep you safe.
224
00:08:34,364 --> 00:08:35,385
Are you crazy?
225
00:08:35,450 --> 00:08:36,924
I'm not going back into
that spider's nest.
226
00:08:36,989 --> 00:08:38,197
Fine, I hate them, too.
227
00:08:38,262 --> 00:08:41,119
The problem is,
they're attracted to my musk.
228
00:08:41,184 --> 00:08:43,346
I went to the insect room
at the zoo a while back,
229
00:08:43,411 --> 00:08:45,096
and they all started banging
on the glass like inmates.
230
00:08:45,161 --> 00:08:46,650
What'd you leave in there
that's so important?
231
00:08:46,715 --> 00:08:47,846
It's a medication.
232
00:08:47,911 --> 00:08:50,260
I'm fine,
but I didn't tell your mom
233
00:08:50,325 --> 00:08:51,580
'cause I didn't want her
to worry.
234
00:08:51,645 --> 00:08:54,088
Can we just stop by a liquor store
and refill your "prescription."
235
00:08:54,153 --> 00:08:55,633
It's a medicine! Look...
236
00:08:55,841 --> 00:08:58,760
I'm sure
our hotel has a top notch spa.
237
00:08:58,825 --> 00:09:01,369
One that might add a,
uh, hot stone massage,
238
00:09:01,434 --> 00:09:02,869
an herbal soak...
239
00:09:02,934 --> 00:09:04,526
Do I look like someone
who can be bought?
240
00:09:04,591 --> 00:09:06,774
No, but you do look like
someone who might enjoy
241
00:09:06,839 --> 00:09:08,784
a four-handed
Balinese seaweed swaddle.
242
00:09:10,260 --> 00:09:11,994
You son of a bitch.
243
00:09:14,309 --> 00:09:17,229
So, Cal, what did you
and Santa talk about?
244
00:09:17,294 --> 00:09:18,766
It's a secret.
245
00:09:18,943 --> 00:09:20,401
Me, I'd be fine with just cash.
246
00:09:20,466 --> 00:09:21,635
You guys have enough
on your plate.
247
00:09:21,700 --> 00:09:23,526
Okay, you're not buying yourself
a phone, all right?
248
00:09:23,591 --> 00:09:24,959
Ooh, Santa's on break.
249
00:09:25,122 --> 00:09:26,979
Okay, Lily, go sit with Cal again.
250
00:09:27,044 --> 00:09:29,377
You guys need me...
maybe throw a please in there.
251
00:09:29,442 --> 00:09:31,643
- Yeah. Hi!
- Hi!
252
00:09:31,708 --> 00:09:33,111
Oh, it really
is the most wonderful
253
00:09:33,176 --> 00:09:34,565
- Beautiful.
- Time of the year. Isn't it?
254
00:09:34,630 --> 00:09:35,877
So, listen, do you mind if...
255
00:09:35,942 --> 00:09:36,869
Do you think
you're the first parents
256
00:09:36,934 --> 00:09:38,391
wanting to take a
peek at my scroll?
257
00:09:38,465 --> 00:09:39,775
Better stick something
in my bootie.
258
00:09:39,840 --> 00:09:41,689
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- I'm sorry. What?
259
00:09:41,754 --> 00:09:43,346
Cash in the slipper, perv.
260
00:09:43,411 --> 00:09:44,541
Oh. Do you wanna...
261
00:09:44,606 --> 00:09:47,571
Yeah, yeah, I got...
I got, uh... I've got $10.
262
00:09:47,761 --> 00:09:49,341
Thank you.
263
00:09:49,567 --> 00:09:51,026
No, this is just a list of toys.
264
00:09:51,091 --> 00:09:52,743
None of the kids'
names are next to them.
265
00:09:52,825 --> 00:09:54,119
Oh, oh.
You know what?
266
00:09:54,184 --> 00:09:56,196
Uh, we'll look
at pictures of Cal in line
267
00:09:56,261 --> 00:09:58,080
and then match
the kids up behind him
268
00:09:58,145 --> 00:09:59,229
- with the toys on the list.
- Okay.
269
00:09:59,294 --> 00:10:01,166
Okay, so, well,
I guess this Asian kid,
270
00:10:01,231 --> 00:10:02,046
he maybe wants the,
uh...
271
00:10:02,111 --> 00:10:03,557
There's no time to be
politically correct.
272
00:10:03,622 --> 00:10:04,479
- He wants the calculator.
- Calculator.
273
00:10:04,544 --> 00:10:05,588
- And he wants it bad.
- Yeah.
274
00:10:05,653 --> 00:10:08,369
Wait, does that mean that this little
boy wants the Barbie Styling Head?
275
00:10:08,434 --> 00:10:09,721
Yep, look at the turned-out foot.
276
00:10:09,786 --> 00:10:11,612
- Oh, of course he wants the Barbie Styling Head.
- Hey!
277
00:10:11,677 --> 00:10:13,041
Which means Cal wants...
278
00:10:13,106 --> 00:10:14,283
- Hot Wheels!
- Hot Wheels!
279
00:10:14,348 --> 00:10:16,268
- Okay, okay.
- Let's go.
280
00:10:16,333 --> 00:10:18,049
- Thank you!
- Thank you.
281
00:10:18,114 --> 00:10:19,450
Uhh...
282
00:10:19,591 --> 00:10:21,813
Don't worry.
They come back.
283
00:10:25,333 --> 00:10:27,065
Please tell me you told Mom and Dad.
284
00:10:27,130 --> 00:10:29,002
No, but we're gonna tell them
in song.
285
00:10:29,067 --> 00:10:30,508
Listen to this part.
286
00:10:30,575 --> 00:10:33,432
Soon a baby as cute as us
287
00:10:33,497 --> 00:10:36,455
Will spring forth
from Haley's uterus
288
00:10:36,520 --> 00:10:38,040
Uhh!
I love it!
289
00:10:38,130 --> 00:10:41,190
She's lying. She just wants us to get
it over with so her eczema will go away.
290
00:10:41,255 --> 00:10:43,587
I don't have...
Oh, my God!
291
00:10:44,465 --> 00:10:46,234
Okay, you got this.
292
00:10:46,299 --> 00:10:47,690
You're quicker
than those things.
293
00:10:47,755 --> 00:10:49,119
- I doubt that.
- You're smarter.
294
00:10:49,184 --> 00:10:50,369
I can't make a web
out of nothing.
295
00:10:50,434 --> 00:10:52,908
- Plus, you got a weapon.
- A leaf blower?
296
00:10:52,973 --> 00:10:55,400
Hey, that thing can blow a
Pomeranian through a hedge.
297
00:10:55,465 --> 00:10:57,484
Let's just say little
Mimi from next door
298
00:10:57,549 --> 00:10:59,221
won't be visiting
our lawn anymore.
299
00:10:59,286 --> 00:11:01,282
Now hurry up
before your mom gets back.
300
00:11:01,903 --> 00:11:04,117
We'll be
in constant communication.
301
00:11:04,182 --> 00:11:05,874
Go. Go, go, go.
302
00:11:06,136 --> 00:11:08,180
Keep your head on a swivel.
303
00:11:08,245 --> 00:11:10,680
Head for my bathroom.
Remember.
304
00:11:10,745 --> 00:11:13,320
That spider can sense the
subtlest sign of fear.
305
00:11:13,385 --> 00:11:16,249
Ohh! Something
just ran past my foot.
306
00:11:20,939 --> 00:11:22,361
Damn it, the power's out!
307
00:11:22,498 --> 00:11:23,844
Then so am I!
308
00:11:23,909 --> 00:11:25,980
No! You just leveled
the playing field.
309
00:11:26,045 --> 00:11:27,167
They have eight eyes.
310
00:11:27,232 --> 00:11:28,449
You only have two.
311
00:11:28,514 --> 00:11:30,502
You just took away
their one advantage.
312
00:11:30,567 --> 00:11:32,512
What about their sac of poison?
313
00:11:35,913 --> 00:11:36,925
Okay, I'm in the bathroom.
314
00:11:36,990 --> 00:11:39,089
Good, good.
The medication...
315
00:11:39,154 --> 00:11:41,011
is down below in the cabinet.
316
00:11:41,076 --> 00:11:43,902
You want me to reach my hand
into a dark, damp breeding ground?
317
00:11:43,967 --> 00:11:46,636
It's all the way in the
back on the far right.
318
00:11:46,701 --> 00:11:48,737
Just feel around for the jar.
319
00:11:48,802 --> 00:11:50,402
So, skitter my hand back and forth?
320
00:11:50,467 --> 00:11:52,580
That's basically
a spider mating dance!
321
00:11:57,098 --> 00:11:58,132
Got it.
322
00:11:58,363 --> 00:11:59,506
Whoa! Ow!
323
00:11:59,584 --> 00:12:01,352
Talk to me, over.
324
00:12:03,595 --> 00:12:04,794
Manny!
325
00:12:07,467 --> 00:12:08,986
Not leaving!
326
00:12:09,060 --> 00:12:10,564
Still shopping!
327
00:12:10,943 --> 00:12:13,054
As if getting robbed
wasn't bad enough,
328
00:12:13,119 --> 00:12:14,546
now that
we were hosting Christmas,
329
00:12:14,611 --> 00:12:16,886
I had to get a new tree
and gifts into the house
330
00:12:16,951 --> 00:12:18,034
before Claire got home.
331
00:12:18,099 --> 00:12:20,426
Fortunately,
I-I had a copy of her gift list.
332
00:12:20,497 --> 00:12:23,136
It was eerie
how many of these events
333
00:12:23,201 --> 00:12:25,636
were lining up with the plot of
my children's book in progress,
334
00:12:25,701 --> 00:12:27,298
"The Realtor
Who Saved Christmas."
335
00:12:28,818 --> 00:12:30,862
- Hello?
- Buddy, I need a favor.
336
00:12:30,927 --> 00:12:32,527
Remember that
polar bear wrapping paper
337
00:12:32,592 --> 00:12:34,620
you made us buy so much of
because you can't do math?
338
00:12:34,685 --> 00:12:36,105
- Uh-huh.
- Grab a couple rolls of it,
339
00:12:36,170 --> 00:12:38,253
meet me out in front of
the house in 20 minutes.
340
00:12:38,318 --> 00:12:41,066
We're all out. Mom used the
last of it on this year's gifts.
341
00:12:41,131 --> 00:12:44,525
Damn it! I need a bunch of it.
Where am I supposed to f...
342
00:12:44,592 --> 00:12:46,628
-
Hallelujah
-
Hallelujah
343
00:12:46,693 --> 00:12:48,877
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
344
00:12:48,967 --> 00:12:51,103
-
Hallelujah
- All good, Luke.
345
00:13:06,522 --> 00:13:07,855
Well, we got what we need.
346
00:13:07,920 --> 00:13:10,175
I'm glad someone's getting
what they want this year.
347
00:13:10,240 --> 00:13:11,550
You know what?
Here, take my phone.
348
00:13:11,615 --> 00:13:13,970
If you can get through a day
without losing it, it's yours.
349
00:13:20,130 --> 00:13:22,206
You must've run through
some hairspray.
350
00:13:22,271 --> 00:13:23,776
Your boots are like flypaper.
351
00:13:23,841 --> 00:13:25,268
That's why
that spray was banned.
352
00:13:25,333 --> 00:13:27,860
Birds were flying over the factory
and getting stuck together.
353
00:13:29,200 --> 00:13:31,157
Hey, wait, wait a second.
Wait a second.
354
00:13:31,224 --> 00:13:32,823
This is your medication?
355
00:13:32,888 --> 00:13:34,675
"Good Old Fashioned
Elbow Grease?"
356
00:13:34,740 --> 00:13:36,253
I suffer from dry elbow.
357
00:13:36,318 --> 00:13:37,769
That's what I risked my life for?
358
00:13:37,834 --> 00:13:41,665
Supple elbows are heavily
featured in every good power pose.
359
00:13:42,464 --> 00:13:43,966
That's how I got the
cover to Closet World.
360
00:13:44,031 --> 00:13:46,275
I literally
elbowed my way to the top.
361
00:13:46,723 --> 00:13:48,698
Uh!
I booked us a hotel.
362
00:13:48,763 --> 00:13:50,876
Manny,
you're sharing a room with Joe.
363
00:13:52,145 --> 00:13:53,419
Fix that.
364
00:13:57,773 --> 00:13:59,409
What are you roasting
on the space heater?
365
00:13:59,474 --> 00:14:01,675
Oh, I threw those cards
in the trash.
366
00:14:01,740 --> 00:14:02,995
They got all soggy.
367
00:14:03,060 --> 00:14:04,643
- Even Uncle Cam's?
- Mm-hmm.
368
00:14:04,708 --> 00:14:07,814
You have to save those for seven years,
like tax returns.
369
00:14:19,263 --> 00:14:20,892
- Hello, Phil.
- Oh!
370
00:14:21,201 --> 00:14:22,397
Oh, that's right.
371
00:14:22,471 --> 00:14:24,010
The tree's back
where it belongs.
372
00:14:24,075 --> 00:14:25,104
You stole it?!
373
00:14:25,169 --> 00:14:26,400
Oh, no, you did.
374
00:14:26,465 --> 00:14:29,627
Just like you stole my family
of plastic Thanksgiving turkeys,
375
00:14:29,692 --> 00:14:31,127
my inflatable Easter bunny,
376
00:14:31,192 --> 00:14:32,768
and my Uncle Sam pi?ata,
377
00:14:32,833 --> 00:14:34,939
all... for your open houses.
378
00:14:35,004 --> 00:14:39,492
Today was my chance to shed
a very unfair reputation.
379
00:14:39,557 --> 00:14:41,244
- Claire...
- I put two people
380
00:14:41,309 --> 00:14:43,275
in
The hospital one time,
381
00:14:43,340 --> 00:14:45,143
and now
I'm a Christmas ruiner.
382
00:14:45,208 --> 00:14:46,536
Fire!
383
00:14:46,614 --> 00:14:48,309
Oh, my God! Get the extinguisher!
384
00:14:48,374 --> 00:14:50,555
Aah!
It's Cam's glitter card!
385
00:14:50,620 --> 00:14:51,967
- I knew it!
- Stand back!
386
00:14:52,032 --> 00:14:53,143
Aah!
387
00:14:53,221 --> 00:14:54,097
The tree!
388
00:14:54,175 --> 00:14:55,297
Phil!
Do the tree, Phil.
389
00:14:55,362 --> 00:14:57,053
Aah!
The gifts!
390
00:14:58,267 --> 00:15:00,336
The... The... Honey...
The...
391
00:15:00,401 --> 00:15:01,754
It's out!
392
00:15:01,965 --> 00:15:05,053
This must be the one Luke and I
used for our jet pack prototype.
393
00:15:06,390 --> 00:15:09,352
You know, we're being crazy.
There is no perfect moment.
394
00:15:09,417 --> 00:15:12,178
We're just going to walk in
there like adults and tell them.
395
00:15:20,526 --> 00:15:22,453
- Honey...
- It's no use.
396
00:15:22,518 --> 00:15:24,140
It's over, Phil.
397
00:15:24,359 --> 00:15:25,537
The house smells like smoke,
398
00:15:25,602 --> 00:15:26,734
we have no tree
399
00:15:26,799 --> 00:15:29,709
and nine scorched,
yet soaking-wet gifts.
400
00:15:29,964 --> 00:15:32,242
Worst of all,
I have to make Mitchell's day
401
00:15:32,307 --> 00:15:34,584
by telling him we're moving
the party to his house
402
00:15:34,682 --> 00:15:38,647
and I'm on permanent
host probation forever.
403
00:15:39,143 --> 00:15:40,495
Who knows?
404
00:15:40,589 --> 00:15:43,934
Maybe in a couple years they'll
toss me a pity holiday...
405
00:15:44,198 --> 00:15:48,538
"Welcome to my non-alcoholic
Earth Day brunch."
406
00:15:49,842 --> 00:15:50,964
In brighter news,
407
00:15:51,029 --> 00:15:53,452
I am getting on a prop
plane in a couple hours.
408
00:15:53,839 --> 00:15:55,919
Bermuda Triangle's
still a thing, right?
409
00:15:55,984 --> 00:15:57,049
Claire.
410
00:15:57,182 --> 00:15:59,086
Honey, I just can't right now.
411
00:15:59,151 --> 00:16:00,608
I'm not in the mood for...
412
00:16:03,606 --> 00:16:04,482
How?
413
00:16:04,560 --> 00:16:06,083
Merry Christmas from me.
414
00:16:06,148 --> 00:16:09,694
Did you sneak out earlier and buy
all this stuff to cover your tracks?
415
00:16:10,010 --> 00:16:13,061
Or you can choose to believe
it's a Christmas miracle.
416
00:16:13,371 --> 00:16:14,937
I choose miracle.
417
00:16:16,756 --> 00:16:18,135
Happy holidays!
418
00:16:18,200 --> 00:16:20,456
- Hey!
- Hey!
419
00:16:20,551 --> 00:16:22,455
Thank you for taking over.
420
00:16:22,520 --> 00:16:23,868
- You saved the day!
- Merry Christmas.
421
00:16:23,933 --> 00:16:25,720
Well, you know,
it's kind of what I do.
422
00:16:25,785 --> 00:16:27,194
Come on,
drinks in the kitchen.
423
00:16:27,259 --> 00:16:30,023
- Yay! All right!
- All right!
424
00:16:31,355 --> 00:16:33,689
Ooh, Manny,
what's up with the noggin bump?
425
00:16:33,754 --> 00:16:35,689
What? Where?
Oh, no.
426
00:16:35,754 --> 00:16:37,782
That looks like
a banana spider bite!
427
00:16:37,847 --> 00:16:39,282
It's not a bite,
he bumped his head.
428
00:16:39,347 --> 00:16:40,650
No, that looks like a bite.
429
00:16:40,715 --> 00:16:43,962
My sister got bit by a Missouri
Silo Spider... lost a toe.
430
00:16:44,027 --> 00:16:46,487
Happy ending...
she was born with eleven.
431
00:16:46,777 --> 00:16:48,689
Manny, we need
to get that checked.
432
00:16:48,754 --> 00:16:49,939
There is an antidote,
433
00:16:50,004 --> 00:16:52,603
but if you have never
been bitten by the spider,
434
00:16:52,668 --> 00:16:53,789
it might kill you.
435
00:16:53,854 --> 00:16:55,337
- Let's go to the car.
- I... Jay.
436
00:16:55,402 --> 00:16:56,954
Stop! He wasn't bitten.
437
00:16:57,019 --> 00:16:58,689
He bumped his head when
he went back in the house
438
00:16:58,754 --> 00:17:00,718
to grab my... medication.
439
00:17:01,361 --> 00:17:02,650
What medication?
440
00:17:02,715 --> 00:17:04,275
Oh, my God, Dad,
are you okay?
441
00:17:04,340 --> 00:17:05,915
We're gonna get through this,
buddy.
442
00:17:05,980 --> 00:17:08,478
It's an elbow cream
that I secretly use
443
00:17:08,543 --> 00:17:10,303
every night
after Gloria falls asleep.
444
00:17:10,519 --> 00:17:14,071
You sent our son into the
nest of a deadly spider
445
00:17:14,136 --> 00:17:15,159
for a beauty cream?
446
00:17:15,224 --> 00:17:16,439
It's a medicine
447
00:17:16,504 --> 00:17:19,962
that treats the heartbreaking
condition of dry elbow!
448
00:17:20,027 --> 00:17:22,798
It requires a
veterinarian's prescription
449
00:17:22,863 --> 00:17:25,750
because it's primarily used
on rhinos and elephants.
450
00:17:26,902 --> 00:17:30,041
I see on our march to
become a perfect society,
451
00:17:30,106 --> 00:17:32,203
elbow shaming is still allowed.
452
00:17:32,571 --> 00:17:34,462
I get a little dry sometimes.
453
00:17:34,527 --> 00:17:37,478
Hey! You're just as much
a person as everybody else.
454
00:17:37,543 --> 00:17:39,454
I can't believe that
you're so vain that you...
455
00:17:39,519 --> 00:17:43,118
Wait, is that my Christmas card
stuck on the bottom of your shoe?
456
00:17:43,183 --> 00:17:45,118
And why... why is it singed?
457
00:17:45,183 --> 00:17:47,071
Ugh, you got to be less
about the cards.
458
00:17:47,136 --> 00:17:48,507
We all think it.
459
00:17:48,596 --> 00:17:50,585
Didn't you empty
a can of powerful
460
00:17:50,650 --> 00:17:51,991
hairspray in the bathroom?
461
00:17:52,056 --> 00:17:53,529
And did you go in there,
too?
462
00:17:55,688 --> 00:17:58,998
Fine! I needed something, okay?
463
00:17:59,283 --> 00:18:01,390
But at least
I went in myself.
464
00:18:01,455 --> 00:18:04,677
After you offered me $20
and I said no.
465
00:18:04,954 --> 00:18:06,593
Some of us
can't be bought.
466
00:18:06,658 --> 00:18:07,951
What did you need?
467
00:18:08,213 --> 00:18:10,951
Whatever it is,
we're gonna get through this.
468
00:18:11,080 --> 00:18:12,693
A night guard.
469
00:18:12,924 --> 00:18:15,444
I didn't want to tell you,
but every night,
470
00:18:15,509 --> 00:18:18,429
I wait for you to fall asleep,
so I put it on.
471
00:18:18,494 --> 00:18:20,235
It's so unattractive.
472
00:18:20,300 --> 00:18:21,385
That's it?
473
00:18:21,463 --> 00:18:24,599
Ith not thex-thee.
I look hideouth!
474
00:18:24,681 --> 00:18:27,131
Oh, that really humanizes her.
475
00:18:27,329 --> 00:18:28,716
I don't care for it.
476
00:18:29,127 --> 00:18:31,640
Okay, one of my teeth is loose.
477
00:18:31,705 --> 00:18:33,093
I am begging you
to tell them.
478
00:18:33,158 --> 00:18:34,171
That's what this is.
479
00:18:34,236 --> 00:18:35,827
I'm coming down the chimney
as Santa,
480
00:18:35,892 --> 00:18:37,421
delighting Joe and Cal.
481
00:18:37,486 --> 00:18:38,677
Mom will see
how good he is with kids
482
00:18:38,742 --> 00:18:40,969
and then be super chill
with us being pregnant.
483
00:18:41,034 --> 00:18:42,400
Ugh...
484
00:18:43,461 --> 00:18:44,588
Uh-oh.
485
00:18:44,729 --> 00:18:45,838
I'm stuck.
486
00:18:46,025 --> 00:18:48,015
Okay, everybody,
come on, picture time!
487
00:18:48,080 --> 00:18:49,281
In front of the tree,
let's go.
488
00:18:49,346 --> 00:18:50,375
Oh, God.
Just be quiet!
489
00:18:50,440 --> 00:18:52,171
There you are.
Okay, where's Dylan?
490
00:18:52,236 --> 00:18:53,572
Aww, Mom.
491
00:18:53,650 --> 00:18:55,366
What? We need somebody
to take the picture.
492
00:18:55,658 --> 00:18:56,806
Harsh.
493
00:18:57,313 --> 00:18:58,576
What was that?
494
00:18:58,752 --> 00:19:01,062
Don't we always have
the fire on?
495
00:19:01,127 --> 00:19:02,335
- No!
- I'm sure we do.
496
00:19:02,400 --> 00:19:05,354
Last year we used it to finish
cooking Claire's turkey pieces.
497
00:19:05,590 --> 00:19:07,029
Jay, go turn it on.
498
00:19:07,096 --> 00:19:08,123
Wait! Wait, wait, wait.
499
00:19:08,188 --> 00:19:10,122
Every...
Everybody 12 and under, out.
500
00:19:10,353 --> 00:19:13,982
What? Honey,
what's going on?
501
00:19:14,730 --> 00:19:16,341
Dylan's stuck in the chimney.
502
00:19:17,611 --> 00:19:18,674
Why?
503
00:19:18,752 --> 00:19:20,077
He's dressed up as Santa.
504
00:19:20,142 --> 00:19:21,601
He was gonna hand
presents out to the kids.
505
00:19:21,666 --> 00:19:22,760
Aww.
506
00:19:22,838 --> 00:19:25,284
Don't tell them now.
I want to be with you!
507
00:19:25,640 --> 00:19:26,753
Tell us what?
508
00:19:26,883 --> 00:19:28,035
Nothing. It can wait.
509
00:19:28,100 --> 00:19:29,613
No, it can't! Please!
510
00:19:29,678 --> 00:19:31,372
My organs are shutting down!
511
00:19:31,437 --> 00:19:33,073
Okay, fine. I...
512
00:19:34,950 --> 00:19:37,452
We have an announcement.
513
00:19:39,561 --> 00:19:41,636
Dylan and I are having a baby.
514
00:19:43,757 --> 00:19:45,269
Are they smiling?
515
00:19:45,390 --> 00:19:46,675
You're pregnant?
516
00:19:47,351 --> 00:19:48,523
Yes.
517
00:19:48,999 --> 00:19:51,206
And w-we're really happy
about it.
518
00:19:51,984 --> 00:19:53,569
Why wouldn't you be?
519
00:19:54,149 --> 00:19:55,257
Wow!
520
00:19:55,895 --> 00:19:57,071
Mom?
521
00:19:57,265 --> 00:20:01,308
It's... it's a lot
to process at once, and...
522
00:20:05,116 --> 00:20:07,050
A baby. Unbelievable!
523
00:20:07,115 --> 00:20:08,341
- Oh!
- Hi!
524
00:20:08,406 --> 00:20:11,972
- Congratulations!
- Oh, my gosh! A baby!
525
00:20:12,072 --> 00:20:13,359
Oh, God.
526
00:20:13,437 --> 00:20:16,231
You handled that a lot better
than I did back in the day.
527
00:20:16,296 --> 00:20:17,856
Ohh!
Outside.
528
00:20:17,921 --> 00:20:19,708
- On the inside, I'm you.
- Mm-hmm.
529
00:20:19,773 --> 00:20:21,136
Can somebody save
my life?
530
00:20:21,201 --> 00:20:23,472
- Oh, Ho! Cam, grab a foot.
- Yep.
531
00:20:23,679 --> 00:20:26,115
God,
he's really wedged in there.
532
00:20:26,180 --> 00:20:27,809
Ah, if only we had some
kind of award-winning,
533
00:20:27,874 --> 00:20:28,966
placenta-based lubricant.
534
00:20:29,031 --> 00:20:30,148
Fine!
535
00:20:30,518 --> 00:20:32,551
Here, Dylan, use a little bit of this.
536
00:20:32,616 --> 00:20:35,703
I can't believe a little
Dylan is gonna pop out of you!
537
00:20:35,768 --> 00:20:37,200
What would
that even look like?
538
00:20:37,265 --> 00:20:39,163
Oh!
539
00:20:42,570 --> 00:20:44,323
Everybody
come on in for the picture!
540
00:20:44,388 --> 00:20:45,466
I'll set the timer.
541
00:20:45,531 --> 00:20:47,575
This is all gonna work out,
right?
542
00:20:47,640 --> 00:20:48,884
Definitely.
Yeah.
543
00:20:48,958 --> 00:20:51,050
Hang on.
Let me get my elbows ready.
544
00:20:51,398 --> 00:20:54,367
Okay, everybody smile,
say "baby!"
545
00:20:54,432 --> 00:20:56,467
- Baby! - Baby! - Baby!
- Baby! - Baby! - Baby!
546
00:21:00,242 --> 00:21:02,411
Deck the halls
with boughs of holly
547
00:21:02,476 --> 00:21:04,497
Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la
548
00:21:04,562 --> 00:21:06,708
'Tis the season
to be jolly
549
00:21:06,773 --> 00:21:08,771
Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la
550
00:21:08,836 --> 00:21:11,050
Don we
now our gay apparel
551
00:21:11,115 --> 00:21:13,319
Fa-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la
552
00:21:13,384 --> 00:21:15,511
Did we leave the kids
at Claire's house?
553
00:21:15,576 --> 00:21:17,556
Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la
554
00:21:17,621 --> 00:21:19,682
Lily really needs a cell phone
555
00:21:19,747 --> 00:21:21,872
Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la
556
00:21:21,937 --> 00:21:24,096
Follow
me in merry measure
557
00:21:24,161 --> 00:21:26,519
Fa-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la
558
00:21:26,569 --> 00:21:31,119
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