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1
00:00:06,006 --> 00:00:07,174
[Marc urinating into toilet]
2
00:00:18,218 --> 00:00:19,753
[toilet flushing]
3
00:00:30,631 --> 00:00:32,799
[audience cheering, Marc sighs]
4
00:01:19,513 --> 00:01:20,647
All right.
5
00:01:22,616 --> 00:01:23,617
I can't take it.
6
00:01:24,184 --> 00:01:25,385
[audience laughing]
7
00:01:26,586 --> 00:01:28,355
I don't know what he's gonna do next.
8
00:01:28,422 --> 00:01:29,790
[audience laughing]
9
00:01:30,490 --> 00:01:31,658
People that voted for him,
10
00:01:31,725 --> 00:01:33,360
they don't know
what he's gonna do next.
11
00:01:33,427 --> 00:01:35,162
[audience laughing]
12
00:01:37,564 --> 00:01:41,368
But they have a different tone. I'm like,
"I don't know what he's gonna do next."
13
00:01:41,435 --> 00:01:44,571
But I think they're like, "I don't know
what he's gonna do next, man!
14
00:01:45,839 --> 00:01:47,441
This is crazy!"
15
00:01:48,875 --> 00:01:51,578
"Then why'd you vote for him?"
"Hey, shut the fuck up."
16
00:01:52,112 --> 00:01:55,349
Yeah. Yeah, that's what he ran on,
so, that makes sense.
17
00:01:55,415 --> 00:01:56,717
[audience laughing]
18
00:01:59,386 --> 00:02:01,288
I mean, I'm afraid of my phone.
19
00:02:01,355 --> 00:02:03,557
I'm afraid of my phone.
20
00:02:04,257 --> 00:02:05,892
I can't check the news.
21
00:02:06,159 --> 00:02:10,263
I'm terrified to refresh
the news browser on my phone.
22
00:02:10,631 --> 00:02:13,433
You wake up, you're like,
"Do I have coffee first, or do I...
23
00:02:13,767 --> 00:02:14,768
Should I check it now?
24
00:02:14,835 --> 00:02:17,638
I don't know what he did
while I was sleeping."
25
00:02:17,704 --> 00:02:19,306
[audience laughing]
26
00:02:19,873 --> 00:02:23,176
And there's a nervousness, you know?
Like, it's terrifying.
27
00:02:23,243 --> 00:02:25,512
Because you know it's not gonna be good.
It's not.
28
00:02:25,579 --> 00:02:28,882
You're not gonna do it and be like,
"Okay. Great." It's not gonna happen.
29
00:02:29,149 --> 00:02:30,317
[audience laughing]
30
00:02:30,784 --> 00:02:34,354
And I couldn't figure out what was
that feeling that I was experiencing
31
00:02:34,554 --> 00:02:37,891
every time I refreshed the news browser
on my phone.
32
00:02:38,158 --> 00:02:43,163
And it must be akin to an abusive
stepfather kicking your bedroom door in
33
00:02:43,230 --> 00:02:45,699
just to go, boom,
"I'm burning the house down!"
34
00:02:45,766 --> 00:02:47,234
[audience laughing]
35
00:02:47,334 --> 00:02:49,636
And then he walks out
and shuts the door behind him.
36
00:02:51,438 --> 00:02:53,573
And you're sitting there
with your phone going:
37
00:02:53,640 --> 00:02:54,941
"I should go, right?
38
00:02:55,208 --> 00:02:56,443
[audience laughing]
39
00:02:57,444 --> 00:02:58,745
Where can I go?"
40
00:03:00,614 --> 00:03:03,717
And it's just crazy, you know?
The people he's appointing are crazy.
41
00:03:03,784 --> 00:03:05,852
It's gotten to a point where
I can say things to you
42
00:03:06,520 --> 00:03:09,356
that would never make sense previous...
43
00:03:10,290 --> 00:03:13,210
But now you'd be like, "All right."
Like, I could walk up to you, be like:
44
00:03:13,960 --> 00:03:17,297
"Hey, man. Did you hear they're
making the Grand Canyon a landfill?"
45
00:03:17,731 --> 00:03:18,965
[audience laughing]
46
00:03:19,699 --> 00:03:20,934
"What?" "Yeah.
47
00:03:21,635 --> 00:03:22,836
Yeah, they're doing that."
48
00:03:22,903 --> 00:03:24,838
"Yeah, I guess that makes sense,
I guess.
49
00:03:24,905 --> 00:03:26,406
[audience laughing]
50
00:03:26,706 --> 00:03:27,808
But what's their logic?"
51
00:03:27,874 --> 00:03:29,876
"How many times
you gotta see that thing?
52
00:03:29,943 --> 00:03:33,980
They're just gonna do half of it,
and the other half you can still see.
53
00:03:34,481 --> 00:03:36,550
But I bet people go see the garbage, too,
54
00:03:36,616 --> 00:03:38,218
because that's a lot of garbage.
55
00:03:38,819 --> 00:03:40,287
It's gonna be a double thing now."
56
00:03:40,687 --> 00:03:42,656
"Yeah, I could see
why they would do that."
57
00:03:44,591 --> 00:03:46,393
"It's okay to hunt at zoos now."
58
00:03:46,460 --> 00:03:47,527
[audience laughing]
59
00:03:48,328 --> 00:03:49,328
"What?"
60
00:03:49,930 --> 00:03:51,832
"Yeah, the new EPA guy, I don't know.
61
00:03:52,733 --> 00:03:53,967
I guess it's okay."
62
00:03:54,234 --> 00:03:58,972
You're like, "Oh. Right. I guess that
makes sense with their logic, I guess.
63
00:04:00,006 --> 00:04:03,343
It's gonna be a whole different thing
for the kids now, I guess, so...
64
00:04:04,010 --> 00:04:06,747
But a lot of those animals
are almost extinct anyway.
65
00:04:07,547 --> 00:04:09,683
Might as well just get it
over with, you know?"
66
00:04:09,750 --> 00:04:12,652
Extinction's sort of a proactive term
with these guys.
67
00:04:12,719 --> 00:04:13,887
[audience laughing]
68
00:04:17,424 --> 00:04:21,261
Some things you never thought you'd say,
like, "Wow, these Nazis are annoying.
69
00:04:21,328 --> 00:04:22,963
[audience laughing]
70
00:04:23,029 --> 00:04:25,699
Did I just say that?
Is this real life? Did I say that?"
71
00:04:28,568 --> 00:04:29,703
And now, like, you know,
72
00:04:29,770 --> 00:04:36,376
people you know for years
are coming out as Trump voters.
73
00:04:36,443 --> 00:04:38,645
Because they were hedging their bets
for a while.
74
00:04:38,712 --> 00:04:41,581
Now they're like, "I think it's okay
to admit it to my friends."
75
00:04:41,648 --> 00:04:44,618
People you've known forever,
they're like, "I voted for him."
76
00:04:44,684 --> 00:04:47,721
Then that first thought is like,
"Well, now I've got a decision to make.
77
00:04:47,788 --> 00:04:49,289
[audience laughing]
78
00:04:51,491 --> 00:04:52,993
What the fuck do I do with you now?
79
00:04:53,059 --> 00:04:54,528
[audience laughing]
80
00:04:56,997 --> 00:04:59,866
Why'd you do that?
Why'd you do that to everybody?"
81
00:05:01,468 --> 00:05:03,470
"Well, come on.
You knew I was a Republican.
82
00:05:03,537 --> 00:05:06,306
I just voted party line. You know,
both of them were bad.
83
00:05:06,373 --> 00:05:08,608
I wasn't gonna vote for her.
She was a crook."
84
00:05:08,675 --> 00:05:09,676
"Was she a crook?
85
00:05:09,743 --> 00:05:13,380
Or was she just a nice older lady
that didn't understand her phone?"
86
00:05:13,446 --> 00:05:15,882
[audience laughing, then cheering]
87
00:05:22,722 --> 00:05:24,591
I've got two e-mail accounts on my phone.
88
00:05:24,658 --> 00:05:25,892
I screw up sometimes.
89
00:05:27,327 --> 00:05:29,095
There's no international consequence.
90
00:05:29,362 --> 00:05:31,631
Just usually me going like, "Oh, shit.
91
00:05:31,698 --> 00:05:33,967
Now that idiot
has my real e-mail address."
92
00:05:34,034 --> 00:05:35,569
[audience laughing]
93
00:05:35,735 --> 00:05:38,071
I'm gonna be hearing from him more
than I want to be.
94
00:05:39,105 --> 00:05:41,107
I try to have a conversation
with these people,
95
00:05:41,374 --> 00:05:44,811
because I know them,
and I don't want this polarization.
96
00:05:44,878 --> 00:05:48,348
At some point,
we're gonna have to bridge it.
97
00:05:48,815 --> 00:05:52,852
So, I'm like, "I don't get... Just explain
to me, really. What... I mean, what...
98
00:05:52,919 --> 00:05:55,488
How are we gonna communicate now?"
99
00:05:56,856 --> 00:05:59,092
He's like, "Come on, man.
We're all Americans."
100
00:05:59,359 --> 00:06:00,727
And I'm like, "No.
101
00:06:00,794 --> 00:06:02,062
[audience laughing]
102
00:06:04,497 --> 00:06:05,966
Not enough. Not gonna be enough."
103
00:06:08,134 --> 00:06:10,003
"Well, come on, you know,
104
00:06:10,070 --> 00:06:13,807
like everyone loves
Tom Petty and burritos."
105
00:06:13,873 --> 00:06:15,475
[audience laughing]
106
00:06:16,776 --> 00:06:17,677
"Yeah, that's true,
107
00:06:17,744 --> 00:06:20,380
but I don't think Petty is enough
to bridge this gap.
108
00:06:20,447 --> 00:06:24,050
I just don't think that he has
that power at this juncture."
109
00:06:25,552 --> 00:06:28,021
They're like, "Well, we just
don't talk about politics."
110
00:06:28,088 --> 00:06:29,089
[grunts] I'm like:
111
00:06:29,155 --> 00:06:30,657
"Here's what bugs me, man:
112
00:06:31,124 --> 00:06:36,496
There are people that had to climb out
of their hate holes to vote for this guy.
113
00:06:36,563 --> 00:06:37,731
They'd never voted before.
114
00:06:37,797 --> 00:06:40,533
They had to figure out where to vote,
and how to do it.
115
00:06:40,600 --> 00:06:43,970
They had to take time away from hating,
which was hard for some of them...
116
00:06:44,037 --> 00:06:45,505
[audience laughing]
117
00:06:45,839 --> 00:06:48,508
and vote for this guy,
and now you're aligned with them.
118
00:06:48,575 --> 00:06:51,544
You're on the same side as them.
You're part of that."
119
00:06:52,445 --> 00:06:55,015
And they're like, "Well, I bet you
that guy likes Petty.
120
00:06:55,081 --> 00:06:56,449
I mean, I think if you...
121
00:06:56,516 --> 00:06:58,118
[audience laughing]
122
00:06:58,184 --> 00:07:03,123
Seriously, man. If you just talked to him,
stayed away from politics.
123
00:07:03,523 --> 00:07:04,691
They're just people, man."
124
00:07:04,758 --> 00:07:08,194
And I'm like, "Well, what? You mean
I've gotta go to Chipotle with that guy?
125
00:07:08,461 --> 00:07:09,863
[audience laughing]
126
00:07:09,996 --> 00:07:13,733
Sit there and be like, 'Wow, you prefer
the bowl over the burrito?
127
00:07:14,901 --> 00:07:15,969
Hmm. Interesting.'"
128
00:07:17,604 --> 00:07:18,872
"Yeah, I like the bowl."
129
00:07:19,639 --> 00:07:20,639
"Oh, yeah."
130
00:07:20,740 --> 00:07:23,476
"Yeah, Tom Petty? You like Petty?"
"Aw, I fucking love Petty."
131
00:07:23,543 --> 00:07:24,878
"Oh, that's cool. That's cool."
132
00:07:25,478 --> 00:07:27,547
"I hate Jews, though. I hate Jews."
133
00:07:27,614 --> 00:07:28,615
[audience laughing]
134
00:07:28,682 --> 00:07:31,918
Yeah, it's going south quick.
135
00:07:31,985 --> 00:07:33,019
I, uh...
136
00:07:33,620 --> 00:07:35,889
"You know, maybe we shouldn't
talk about politics."
137
00:07:36,990 --> 00:07:38,925
[chuckles] As if that's politics.
138
00:07:38,992 --> 00:07:40,560
[audience laughing]
139
00:07:40,627 --> 00:07:42,062
[laughing]
140
00:07:44,164 --> 00:07:46,499
I don't know, man. Look, I will admit...
141
00:07:46,566 --> 00:07:48,902
If this guy does anything good,
I'll admit it.
142
00:07:48,969 --> 00:07:52,138
I'm not saying he's gonna be good
for people that didn't vote for him.
143
00:07:52,205 --> 00:07:55,675
And it's still okay to say that
in this country. I did not vote for him.
144
00:07:55,742 --> 00:07:57,777
But for us, it's not gonna be good.
145
00:07:57,978 --> 00:07:59,612
It's always gonna be horrible.
146
00:07:59,913 --> 00:08:03,183
We're not gonna one day wake up
in the next three and a half years
147
00:08:03,249 --> 00:08:05,051
and go like,
"Holy shit. This turned around."
148
00:08:05,118 --> 00:08:07,198
- It's not gonna... It's not...
- [audience laughing]
149
00:08:07,988 --> 00:08:09,656
We're just gonna have to eat that.
150
00:08:09,723 --> 00:08:11,858
We have to suck that up
and fight the fight we can.
151
00:08:11,925 --> 00:08:13,593
But it's not gonna be good. But...
152
00:08:13,994 --> 00:08:16,062
if he does anything good, I'll admit it.
153
00:08:16,730 --> 00:08:21,167
That said, if it's much worse
than we ever anticipated,
154
00:08:21,868 --> 00:08:23,870
which is really fucking bad...
155
00:08:23,937 --> 00:08:24,937
[audience laughing]
156
00:08:25,772 --> 00:08:28,174
people that voted for him
are gonna have to apologize.
157
00:08:28,241 --> 00:08:30,176
That's all. They've just gotta apologize.
158
00:08:30,243 --> 00:08:31,277
[audience cheering]
159
00:08:35,048 --> 00:08:37,083
I'm just gonna need a little eye contact.
160
00:08:38,184 --> 00:08:39,184
Look.
161
00:08:39,886 --> 00:08:42,889
Look, even if we only have eight minutes
before the missiles hit,
162
00:08:43,757 --> 00:08:47,060
I'm gonna need a little eye contact,
and a few words.
163
00:08:48,595 --> 00:08:51,865
Even if it's like, "Oh, man!
I didn't think he'd do this!
164
00:08:52,966 --> 00:08:54,701
This is crazy, bro!
165
00:08:55,602 --> 00:08:56,803
Sorry!
166
00:08:56,870 --> 00:08:58,171
[audience laughing]
167
00:08:58,238 --> 00:09:00,740
Petty rules though, right?
Fucking Petty."
168
00:09:02,042 --> 00:09:04,711
[mimicking bomb exploding]
169
00:09:06,112 --> 00:09:07,547
Cue "Free Falling."
170
00:09:08,615 --> 00:09:09,916
[audience laughing]
171
00:09:14,954 --> 00:09:17,257
And look, you know, the sad part is...
172
00:09:17,323 --> 00:09:22,929
It's not sad, but it's that if you're
like-minded as I am,
173
00:09:22,996 --> 00:09:25,298
no one's got our backs in government.
That's hard.
174
00:09:25,565 --> 00:09:27,233
Now we've gotta have
each other's backs,
175
00:09:27,300 --> 00:09:29,302
and, you know,
we should do that anyways,
176
00:09:29,569 --> 00:09:33,173
but now you might have to
step up in public.
177
00:09:34,240 --> 00:09:36,109
Because one thing the popular vote means
178
00:09:36,176 --> 00:09:39,813
is that there's no social mandate
on being a douche bag in public.
179
00:09:40,880 --> 00:09:43,750
So, it might be on you to say things
like this sometimes:
180
00:09:43,817 --> 00:09:46,152
"Hey, you know,
it's still not okay to do that."
181
00:09:46,719 --> 00:09:47,954
[audience laughing]
182
00:09:49,956 --> 00:09:52,759
You might have to find courage.
I don't always have courage.
183
00:09:52,826 --> 00:09:55,895
I'm not the most courageous guy.
I'm sort of an alpha pussy.
184
00:09:56,296 --> 00:09:58,264
- Um...
- [audience laughing]
185
00:10:00,900 --> 00:10:02,669
Yeah, we exist. We exist, yeah.
186
00:10:02,735 --> 00:10:05,872
There's the classic alpha male,
187
00:10:05,939 --> 00:10:09,109
just the meathead, rage-filled, like:
[roars]
188
00:10:09,175 --> 00:10:12,011
And then there's the alpha pussy
who makes fun of that guy.
189
00:10:12,245 --> 00:10:14,280
[audience laughing]
190
00:10:14,347 --> 00:10:18,017
You're like, "That guy's a douche bag."
"Why don't you say it to his face?"
191
00:10:18,084 --> 00:10:19,385
"Because I'm saying it to you.
192
00:10:21,187 --> 00:10:23,990
This is our hierarchy. That's theirs.
193
00:10:24,057 --> 00:10:25,758
This is how that works."
194
00:10:31,331 --> 00:10:34,067
I don't know how much time I have left.
195
00:10:35,768 --> 00:10:37,237
Not in this set, in life.
196
00:10:37,303 --> 00:10:40,006
I don't know how much time I have left.
197
00:10:40,073 --> 00:10:42,142
I'm not sick, I'm not dying.
But I don't know.
198
00:10:42,642 --> 00:10:45,278
I'm at that point where you hit...
You get... I'm, like, 53,
199
00:10:45,345 --> 00:10:47,881
and you start to wonder,
how much time do I got left?
200
00:10:47,947 --> 00:10:49,983
And it's playing into my
decision-making process.
201
00:10:51,151 --> 00:10:53,820
If my girlfriend wants to watch
a movie I don't want to,
202
00:10:53,887 --> 00:10:56,856
I'm like, "No, I don't want to die
during that. I don't want to...
203
00:10:56,923 --> 00:10:58,057
[audience laughing]
204
00:10:59,792 --> 00:11:03,062
I'd hate that to be the time.
Let's make a better choice.
205
00:11:04,030 --> 00:11:05,965
I think we can make a better choice."
206
00:11:07,767 --> 00:11:10,970
If someone comes up to me like,
"Oh, man, you don't listen to Phish?
207
00:11:11,037 --> 00:11:12,338
You gotta listen to Phish."
208
00:11:12,939 --> 00:11:15,942
"I don't know how much time I've got left.
I really, you know..."
209
00:11:16,242 --> 00:11:17,810
[audience applauding]
210
00:11:20,179 --> 00:11:23,082
And what if I like it? That's like
the rest of my life, right?
211
00:11:23,149 --> 00:11:24,217
[audience laughing]
212
00:11:25,285 --> 00:11:28,988
I've got no more room in my heart
or my mind for another jam band, man.
213
00:11:29,055 --> 00:11:32,225
I mean, I've got half the Grateful Dead
catalog in there,
214
00:11:32,292 --> 00:11:34,227
and three or four Allman Brothers songs.
215
00:11:34,294 --> 00:11:35,995
I'm maxed out. I'm filled up."
216
00:11:39,399 --> 00:11:41,367
And if you're ever
asking me this question:
217
00:11:41,834 --> 00:11:43,703
"Have you seen that documentary with... "
218
00:11:43,770 --> 00:11:46,239
Stop right there.
I don't know how much time I got left.
219
00:11:47,240 --> 00:11:50,944
There's too many documentaries.
Let's slow down on the documentaries.
220
00:11:51,010 --> 00:11:53,146
We're all loaded up.
We've got enough for now.
221
00:11:54,847 --> 00:11:57,717
I'm not trying to discourage anyone.
There are some good ones.
222
00:11:57,784 --> 00:11:59,485
But there are some bad ones.
223
00:12:01,120 --> 00:12:04,090
Sometimes I think documentary
filmmaking's just a Hail Mary pass
224
00:12:04,157 --> 00:12:06,492
for someone almost giving up
on the medium.
225
00:12:06,759 --> 00:12:09,095
I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings,
226
00:12:09,162 --> 00:12:11,864
but just because you have an iPhone
and your cat is sick
227
00:12:11,931 --> 00:12:13,266
doesn't make you a genius.
228
00:12:13,333 --> 00:12:14,734
[audience laughing]
229
00:12:17,203 --> 00:12:19,205
"I'm gonna call it One Out of Nine.
230
00:12:23,142 --> 00:12:24,344
It's about my cat dying,
231
00:12:24,410 --> 00:12:27,113
but it's also about me accepting failure.
232
00:12:28,982 --> 00:12:32,418
I think this is much better than the one
I made about my dad's struggle
233
00:12:32,485 --> 00:12:34,921
to buy pants in an unfamiliar store."
234
00:12:34,988 --> 00:12:36,122
[audience laughing]
235
00:12:40,293 --> 00:12:41,394
[chuckles]
236
00:12:42,028 --> 00:12:44,197
I just don't know
how much time I have left.
237
00:12:46,299 --> 00:12:49,335
And I don't think I'm afraid to die.
238
00:12:53,139 --> 00:12:54,974
I'd prefer it happens quickly.
239
00:12:55,408 --> 00:12:57,877
Like the transition,
I just want it to be like:
240
00:12:57,944 --> 00:13:00,880
I'd like my last words to be
something like, "Wait, what?"
241
00:13:01,114 --> 00:13:02,482
[audience laughing]
242
00:13:05,418 --> 00:13:06,452
That'd be preferable.
243
00:13:10,123 --> 00:13:13,126
But the reason I don't think I'm afraid
to die is a weird reason.
244
00:13:13,192 --> 00:13:14,127
It's a weird reason.
245
00:13:14,193 --> 00:13:17,063
Because I've always had
this recurring image in my head.
246
00:13:17,530 --> 00:13:21,000
I never understood it until now,
and I think I misinterpreted it before.
247
00:13:21,067 --> 00:13:23,369
I'll share it, because
I don't know what you'd do.
248
00:13:23,436 --> 00:13:25,371
But it's a recurring image I get,
249
00:13:25,438 --> 00:13:28,274
and it always is just me
hanging from a cliff.
250
00:13:28,341 --> 00:13:31,444
That's where we enter,
me hanging from a cliff.
251
00:13:31,511 --> 00:13:32,979
I don't know why.
252
00:13:33,046 --> 00:13:35,281
There's no one around.
I don't know what happened,
253
00:13:35,348 --> 00:13:37,016
but I'm hanging from a cliff.
254
00:13:37,483 --> 00:13:40,386
And I never picture myself
climbing back up.
255
00:13:40,920 --> 00:13:42,288
[audience laughing]
256
00:13:44,123 --> 00:13:46,092
It's only a matter of time
before I'm like:
257
00:13:46,159 --> 00:13:47,260
"Oh..."
258
00:13:49,295 --> 00:13:51,831
And I think that's because
I'm not afraid to die.
259
00:13:51,898 --> 00:13:53,933
I think it's because
I'm not a control freak.
260
00:13:54,000 --> 00:13:55,001
You know what I mean?
261
00:13:55,601 --> 00:13:57,270
Yeah, anyone can scramble back up,
262
00:13:57,336 --> 00:13:59,972
but it takes real courage just to let go.
263
00:14:00,039 --> 00:14:01,107
[audience laughing]
264
00:14:04,577 --> 00:14:08,514
And I don't have a god in place.
It just wasn't put there.
265
00:14:08,581 --> 00:14:11,284
You know, I'm 53, and I don't
think it's gonna happen.
266
00:14:11,350 --> 00:14:16,556
The wheels would really have to come off
for me to find god at this age.
267
00:14:20,293 --> 00:14:22,428
But I think I'm spiritual, maybe.
I don't know.
268
00:14:23,062 --> 00:14:24,330
No. Probably not.
269
00:14:24,397 --> 00:14:25,631
[audience laughing]
270
00:14:28,501 --> 00:14:30,636
Like, when did this question
become so popular?
271
00:14:30,903 --> 00:14:32,438
I get it three or four times a week.
272
00:14:32,505 --> 00:14:34,474
"Hey, are you meditating?
Do you meditate?"
273
00:14:34,540 --> 00:14:37,343
What's happening? When did...
Why is everyone asking me that?
274
00:14:38,344 --> 00:14:40,313
Does that happen to you, or is it crazy?
275
00:14:40,380 --> 00:14:41,381
Are you meditating?
276
00:14:41,447 --> 00:14:43,616
Like, are you guys part of the same team?
277
00:14:43,883 --> 00:14:45,918
Why do I...
No, I'm not fucking meditating.
278
00:14:46,986 --> 00:14:48,888
I know what it is, but I'm not doing it.
279
00:14:50,223 --> 00:14:53,059
I've done it.
I did not get the desired results.
280
00:14:53,126 --> 00:14:54,560
[audience laughing]
281
00:14:56,429 --> 00:14:58,064
I know how to meditate. I get it.
282
00:14:58,131 --> 00:15:01,434
You've got to sit quietly and comfortably.
283
00:15:02,201 --> 00:15:03,236
Be mindful.
284
00:15:03,302 --> 00:15:05,438
That's another word getting way
too much usage.
285
00:15:06,105 --> 00:15:07,105
Be mind...
286
00:15:07,573 --> 00:15:09,909
When did that become a word?
That's everywhere.
287
00:15:09,976 --> 00:15:12,345
Be mindful.
And what is that? It's a meditation word.
288
00:15:12,412 --> 00:15:15,181
Be mindful. Be mindful of your breath.
289
00:15:15,982 --> 00:15:18,418
And this is me meditating,
the one time I did it.
290
00:15:19,051 --> 00:15:20,486
[groaning]
291
00:15:24,357 --> 00:15:25,691
Mindful of my breath.
292
00:15:26,159 --> 00:15:27,493
[continues groaning]
293
00:15:30,363 --> 00:15:32,698
Be mindful of your breath,
and thoughts will come.
294
00:15:33,199 --> 00:15:34,434
But don't lock onto them.
295
00:15:34,500 --> 00:15:36,369
Don't attach yourself to the thoughts.
296
00:15:36,436 --> 00:15:37,570
Just let them go by.
297
00:15:38,171 --> 00:15:40,440
Let the thoughts come,
but let them go by.
298
00:15:40,506 --> 00:15:43,176
So, I'm mindful of my breath.
Let the thoughts go by.
299
00:15:43,643 --> 00:15:44,977
[groaning]
300
00:15:46,279 --> 00:15:48,247
I don't know what the hell he's gonna do.
Ooh.
301
00:15:48,981 --> 00:15:50,249
[audience laughing]
302
00:15:53,252 --> 00:15:54,587
[groaning]
303
00:15:55,555 --> 00:15:58,024
I don't know how much time I have left.
Oh, okay.
304
00:16:03,262 --> 00:16:04,630
My dad's an asshole.
305
00:16:04,697 --> 00:16:06,732
That one's not going by.
306
00:16:06,999 --> 00:16:08,267
That one's staying.
307
00:16:09,702 --> 00:16:11,037
[groaning]
308
00:16:12,438 --> 00:16:14,440
In all honesty
I got where you needed to be.
309
00:16:14,507 --> 00:16:17,410
The one time I meditated successfully,
I cleared my mind.
310
00:16:17,477 --> 00:16:20,146
I cleared my ego. Everything was open.
311
00:16:20,213 --> 00:16:22,548
I hit that point of Zen.
312
00:16:22,615 --> 00:16:26,519
And all I could hear was my breath
and my heart beating,
313
00:16:26,586 --> 00:16:28,387
and right at that moment I thought:
314
00:16:28,454 --> 00:16:30,456
"This could fucking stop at any second."
315
00:16:30,523 --> 00:16:32,024
[audience laughing]
316
00:16:33,559 --> 00:16:35,761
And I ejected right out of it.
317
00:16:36,562 --> 00:16:40,199
Because that is not
the desired result of meditation.
318
00:16:43,302 --> 00:16:47,540
And I don't know how to have fun.
How do you have fun?
319
00:16:51,177 --> 00:16:52,178
How do you guys do it?
320
00:16:52,245 --> 00:16:54,280
I don't think I would have come
to this show.
321
00:16:54,347 --> 00:16:55,481
[audience laughing]
322
00:16:57,083 --> 00:16:58,417
[audience applauding]
323
00:17:00,319 --> 00:17:03,723
Like, if Marc Maron's playing, I'm like:
Ehh... [mumbling]
324
00:17:05,291 --> 00:17:08,094
"I like him, but I've gotta go down
to the... I don't know."
325
00:17:11,030 --> 00:17:14,700
I think it's genetic, really, you know?
Like my dad's alive.
326
00:17:14,767 --> 00:17:17,503
Uh... Wrong tone? Is that the wrong tone?
327
00:17:17,570 --> 00:17:18,638
Um...
328
00:17:22,508 --> 00:17:23,776
Wait, let me try again.
329
00:17:24,043 --> 00:17:29,482
I'm blessed to, uh...
To have my father still with us.
330
00:17:30,816 --> 00:17:34,220
But sometimes, some days,
it's like, "When? When?!"
331
00:17:34,520 --> 00:17:36,289
But... No, that's negative.
332
00:17:36,355 --> 00:17:37,356
But do you remember...
333
00:17:38,591 --> 00:17:41,093
Remember the day you realized
your dad was an idiot?
334
00:17:41,160 --> 00:17:42,295
Do you remember that day?
335
00:17:42,728 --> 00:17:44,196
It's a pretty important day.
336
00:17:44,263 --> 00:17:47,133
You spend a lot of time thinking,
"He's great. My dad's great.
337
00:17:47,199 --> 00:17:50,336
He's the greatest guy in the world,"
probably longer than you should.
338
00:17:50,403 --> 00:17:52,505
And then one day
the fucking other shoe drops,
339
00:17:52,572 --> 00:17:53,839
and you're like, "Holy shit."
340
00:17:54,106 --> 00:17:55,641
When did he turn into an idiot?"
341
00:17:55,708 --> 00:17:57,410
- You know?
- [audience laughing]
342
00:17:58,277 --> 00:18:00,846
My father used to be a doctor,
and screwed that up somehow.
343
00:18:01,113 --> 00:18:04,550
But he was a bright man and he did his job
and I was very impressed with him,
344
00:18:04,617 --> 00:18:06,786
and, I don't know, something went wrong.
345
00:18:08,487 --> 00:18:11,223
I don't know.
Like, I got a phone call from him once.
346
00:18:11,757 --> 00:18:14,727
He was all upset, and I'm like,
"What's the matter, Dad?"
347
00:18:14,794 --> 00:18:18,297
And he goes, "I just don't understand
why I didn't win the lottery."
348
00:18:18,364 --> 00:18:19,498
[audience laughing]
349
00:18:22,368 --> 00:18:23,368
"Wait, what?"
350
00:18:24,136 --> 00:18:26,672
"Yeah, I play every day.
I don't get why I'm not winning."
351
00:18:26,739 --> 00:18:29,709
I'm like, "Oh, my God.
When did you become a fucking idiot?"
352
00:18:29,775 --> 00:18:30,775
[audience laughing]
353
00:18:34,246 --> 00:18:36,115
I said to him, just to feel him out:
354
00:18:36,182 --> 00:18:39,685
"So, what would you do, Dad,
if you won the lottery?"
355
00:18:40,319 --> 00:18:41,454
He just immediately goes:
356
00:18:41,520 --> 00:18:43,556
"Well, I'd do everything I wanted to do.
357
00:18:43,623 --> 00:18:45,758
I would do everything I want to do."
358
00:18:46,258 --> 00:18:47,460
And I go, "Like what?"
359
00:18:47,627 --> 00:18:50,296
And there's a beat, and he goes,
"Yeah, you're right."
360
00:18:50,529 --> 00:18:51,831
[audience laughing]
361
00:18:55,901 --> 00:18:57,737
That quick? That quick?
362
00:18:59,705 --> 00:19:01,674
So, like, it's genetic, and I don't want...
363
00:19:02,441 --> 00:19:03,542
Like, I'm already there.
364
00:19:03,609 --> 00:19:06,245
That's it. Nothing? Can't do nothing.
365
00:19:09,348 --> 00:19:12,318
I don't know what people do.
What am I supposed to do, you know?
366
00:19:12,685 --> 00:19:14,153
I play guitar. That's nice.
367
00:19:14,220 --> 00:19:17,223
I'm just happy I never wanted to be
a professional guitar player,
368
00:19:17,289 --> 00:19:20,660
because now my hobby isn't haunted
by failure, you know what I mean?
369
00:19:20,726 --> 00:19:24,897
Like, my guitar isn't some sort of
broken dream vessel, you know?
370
00:19:25,831 --> 00:19:28,234
Is that too hard for this crowd?
A little too hard?
371
00:19:28,300 --> 00:19:31,303
A little too close to home? I apologize.
372
00:19:31,370 --> 00:19:32,838
[audience applauding]
373
00:19:32,905 --> 00:19:34,907
Might be a couple dudes
in the audience like:
374
00:19:35,174 --> 00:19:37,510
"Oh, fuck, Maron.
I just started playing drums again.
375
00:19:37,576 --> 00:19:39,278
[audience laughing]
376
00:19:40,212 --> 00:19:41,580
I brought you a CD tonight."
377
00:19:41,647 --> 00:19:44,583
And you're like,
"It's from 2002, but we were good."
378
00:19:44,817 --> 00:19:45,817
Yeah.
379
00:19:48,954 --> 00:19:53,759
I don't know what to do. What do you do?
There's things I'm supposed to like.
380
00:19:54,393 --> 00:19:57,229
You know, I'm a smart guy,
and relatively sophisticated.
381
00:19:57,296 --> 00:19:58,431
I'm interested in things.
382
00:19:58,497 --> 00:20:01,467
Like when people go like,
"Do you want to go to the museum?"
383
00:20:01,534 --> 00:20:03,869
Inside I'm thinking like, "Ugh. No."
384
00:20:03,936 --> 00:20:04,804
But, like...
385
00:20:04,870 --> 00:20:05,905
[audience laughing]
386
00:20:06,639 --> 00:20:09,508
You don't say that. You're like,
"What's going on down there?
387
00:20:09,575 --> 00:20:10,609
What's going on?"
388
00:20:11,877 --> 00:20:13,579
And I don't want to close my mind.
389
00:20:13,646 --> 00:20:16,716
I've looked at a lot of art.
I like art, and I just...
390
00:20:16,782 --> 00:20:19,685
But I think I've seen enough.
I think I'm all done.
391
00:20:19,752 --> 00:20:21,253
[audience laughing]
392
00:20:23,556 --> 00:20:25,257
Is that wrong? I don't want to be...
393
00:20:25,324 --> 00:20:27,460
I don't want to discourage anyone
from doing it.
394
00:20:27,526 --> 00:20:28,928
I'm just... I'm done, I think.
395
00:20:28,994 --> 00:20:31,263
And also, there's a problem
I have at museums.
396
00:20:31,330 --> 00:20:33,999
If I go to a museum, right when I walk in,
397
00:20:34,500 --> 00:20:36,802
and get to the desk
where you pay for the ticket,
398
00:20:36,869 --> 00:20:39,405
"the donation," "the suggested donation."
399
00:20:40,005 --> 00:20:42,641
Right when I'm putting money down,
I'm just like:
400
00:20:42,708 --> 00:20:45,010
"Oh, my God, I'm exhausted.
I'm exhausted.
401
00:20:45,845 --> 00:20:47,980
I don't know what just happened.
I'm exhausted.
402
00:20:48,247 --> 00:20:52,718
Is there a mid-century bench
that's not part of an exhibit
403
00:20:52,785 --> 00:20:55,421
that I could maybe just
take a little snooze on?
404
00:20:55,488 --> 00:20:56,488
A little nappy?
405
00:20:57,690 --> 00:20:59,925
I can see half a painting
in that room over there,
406
00:20:59,992 --> 00:21:01,694
and I don't know what it wants.
407
00:21:01,761 --> 00:21:04,964
I don't know what it needs from me,
and I'm tired. I'm just tired."
408
00:21:08,300 --> 00:21:10,035
I get the feeling when
I go to Home Depot.
409
00:21:10,302 --> 00:21:13,506
You ever go to Home Depot
to buy a little thing?
410
00:21:13,572 --> 00:21:15,975
"I need an extension cord.
I'll just go to Home Depot."
411
00:21:16,041 --> 00:21:17,041
Don't do it.
412
00:21:17,276 --> 00:21:19,779
You just walk in and you're like,
"Oh, my God, I'm tired.
413
00:21:19,845 --> 00:21:20,845
I'm so tired.
414
00:21:21,614 --> 00:21:24,950
Is there any constructed piece
of mattress furniture
415
00:21:25,017 --> 00:21:26,886
that I could just lay down on a second?"
416
00:21:28,821 --> 00:21:30,956
And I think they both come
from the same place.
417
00:21:31,023 --> 00:21:36,428
It's a deep, like, knowledge that there's
just a lot of things I don't understand,
418
00:21:36,495 --> 00:21:38,864
and I'm probably not going to.
419
00:21:38,931 --> 00:21:40,432
[audience laughing]
420
00:21:41,834 --> 00:21:44,336
But what do people do?
I don't know. What do you do?
421
00:21:45,337 --> 00:21:46,972
You binge watch things.
422
00:21:47,673 --> 00:21:50,910
I don't know where you get the time.
I don't know what's going on.
423
00:21:50,976 --> 00:21:54,713
I can't handle the media landscape.
424
00:21:54,780 --> 00:21:57,683
Too many options. Too much shit.
425
00:21:58,584 --> 00:22:01,387
Like my analogy
for the media landscape is like:
426
00:22:01,453 --> 00:22:04,757
You ever driven past a landfill?
Just like a giant mountain of garbage?
427
00:22:04,824 --> 00:22:08,327
It doesn't even look like garbage anymore.
There's that weird dirt in it.
428
00:22:08,394 --> 00:22:10,963
You have that sort of like...
But you see pieces of garbage.
429
00:22:11,030 --> 00:22:13,532
And it's got those horrible birds
flying over it.
430
00:22:14,433 --> 00:22:17,570
You're driving by and only have
two thoughts, in no particular order:
431
00:22:17,636 --> 00:22:20,406
One is like, "Oh, my God, look at that.
That's disgusting."
432
00:22:20,573 --> 00:22:23,475
But the other thought is always,
"I bet there's some good stuff in there.
433
00:22:23,542 --> 00:22:24,977
[audience laughing]
434
00:22:28,447 --> 00:22:32,051
I bet you there's a box of money in there
that someone just forgot.
435
00:22:32,518 --> 00:22:36,021
Or maybe some old stamps,
collectible stamps.
436
00:22:37,823 --> 00:22:40,826
Or maybe a ring that's still on a finger!"
437
00:22:40,893 --> 00:22:42,061
[audience laughing]
438
00:22:47,132 --> 00:22:48,734
That's like the media landscape.
439
00:22:48,801 --> 00:22:50,970
If you can find that ring
on that finger...
440
00:22:52,471 --> 00:22:54,673
I mean, oddly, you know, I'm old enough...
441
00:22:54,740 --> 00:22:58,143
This is not an old guy thing, but I
remember when there were three networks,
442
00:22:58,410 --> 00:23:00,746
and that was okay. That was enough.
443
00:23:00,813 --> 00:23:03,048
Why'd we... Why is it like it is now?
444
00:23:03,115 --> 00:23:06,385
There weren't many choices.
We weren't getting all the information,
445
00:23:06,452 --> 00:23:09,955
but we were all kind of on the same page,
give or take a show or two.
446
00:23:11,790 --> 00:23:12,790
Right?
447
00:23:13,993 --> 00:23:17,096
I mean, now someone...
I've had people ask me if I've seen a show
448
00:23:17,162 --> 00:23:19,665
and not only have I not heard of the show,
449
00:23:19,732 --> 00:23:23,102
but when they tell me where it's on,
I don't even know what that is.
450
00:23:23,168 --> 00:23:24,670
[audience laughing]
451
00:23:27,039 --> 00:23:28,040
When did that happen?
452
00:23:29,074 --> 00:23:32,845
Someone comes up to you all excited.
"Hey dude, are you watching Turd Journey?"
453
00:23:32,911 --> 00:23:35,514
"Wait, did you say Turd Journey?"
454
00:23:35,581 --> 00:23:38,817
"Yeah, Turd Journey.
There's 40 episodes of Turd Journey on."
455
00:23:38,884 --> 00:23:40,185
"What? Wait, Turd Journey?"
456
00:23:40,452 --> 00:23:42,488
"It's not what it sounds like.
It kind of is,
457
00:23:42,554 --> 00:23:45,124
but it's about more than that.
You gotta check it out."
458
00:23:45,457 --> 00:23:48,127
- "Where's it on?"
- "Oh, shit. You gotta download Clomper.
459
00:23:48,193 --> 00:23:49,428
Do you have Clomper?
460
00:23:50,462 --> 00:23:52,131
It's an app for your phone or computer.
461
00:23:52,197 --> 00:23:54,566
You become part of the Clomper community.
462
00:23:54,633 --> 00:23:56,135
You can watch all 40 Turd Journeys.
463
00:23:56,201 --> 00:23:58,904
And Savage Dicks.
You ever watch Savage Dicks?
464
00:23:59,204 --> 00:24:00,506
That's on Clomper.
465
00:24:00,572 --> 00:24:03,142
It's not what it sounds like.
It kind of is, but it's about more.
466
00:24:03,208 --> 00:24:07,613
And there's some Savage Dick-Turd Journey crossover. It's hilarious."
467
00:24:08,647 --> 00:24:09,682
I'm like, "On Clomper?"
468
00:24:09,748 --> 00:24:13,118
"Yeah, you gotta download Clomper
for Turd Journey. Savage Dicks."
469
00:24:13,185 --> 00:24:14,620
[audience laughing]
470
00:24:15,521 --> 00:24:17,056
- "Clomper?"
- "Yeah, Clomper.
471
00:24:17,122 --> 00:24:19,692
Oh, shit. They have Clomper Docs now.
472
00:24:19,758 --> 00:24:21,093
They have Clomper Docs.
473
00:24:21,694 --> 00:24:25,597
There's this one called One Out of Nine
about this guy's cat dying.
474
00:24:25,664 --> 00:24:26,765
[audience laughing]
475
00:24:27,199 --> 00:24:29,068
But it's about more than that.
476
00:24:29,134 --> 00:24:32,471
It's about his cat dying,
but it's really about him failing.
477
00:24:32,538 --> 00:24:35,207
It's pretty good.
And it's got a surprise ending.
478
00:24:35,474 --> 00:24:36,842
Spoiler alert!
479
00:24:37,776 --> 00:24:40,879
Yeah, it turns out the cat gets better,
and the guy gets sick."
480
00:24:40,946 --> 00:24:42,047
[audience laughing]
481
00:24:43,615 --> 00:24:44,783
Clomper Docs.
482
00:24:45,617 --> 00:24:46,617
Clomper.
483
00:24:46,985 --> 00:24:50,589
"I don't know how much time I've got left.
I don't think it's gonna happen."
484
00:24:54,593 --> 00:24:55,861
I don't do things.
485
00:24:56,895 --> 00:24:58,130
I don't do stuff.
486
00:25:00,599 --> 00:25:03,001
I don't know why I don't do stuff.
I kind of know why.
487
00:25:04,737 --> 00:25:05,904
All right, example.
488
00:25:07,706 --> 00:25:11,076
I got an opportunity to see
the Rolling Stones. I was given tickets
489
00:25:11,910 --> 00:25:16,148
to see the Rolling Stones
the first date of their last stadium tour.
490
00:25:16,215 --> 00:25:18,150
San Diego, right? The first day.
491
00:25:18,217 --> 00:25:20,018
I was given tickets on the field.
492
00:25:20,619 --> 00:25:24,089
And the day I was given those tickets,
my first thought was like:
493
00:25:24,790 --> 00:25:26,258
"Fucking parking's gonna...
494
00:25:26,525 --> 00:25:27,659
[audience laughing]
495
00:25:30,796 --> 00:25:33,665
That's gonna be a clusterfuck,
parking down there at an arena.
496
00:25:34,099 --> 00:25:36,735
Are they even equipped for that?
Do they have lots?
497
00:25:36,802 --> 00:25:37,936
What's up down there?
498
00:25:39,004 --> 00:25:40,004
What?"
499
00:25:41,140 --> 00:25:43,208
And my friend Dean was like,
"Oh, we're going.
500
00:25:43,642 --> 00:25:44,676
It's the Stones."
501
00:25:44,743 --> 00:25:47,246
And I'm like,
"Yeah, but I don't... All right."
502
00:25:47,312 --> 00:25:50,182
Then I had to examine, why didn't
I want to go see the Stones?
503
00:25:50,249 --> 00:25:52,651
And there was a couple levels of excuses,
504
00:25:52,718 --> 00:25:56,588
like part of me was like, "Well, you know,
Bill Wyman's not playing bass anymore,
505
00:25:56,655 --> 00:25:58,991
so, they're not really the Stones."
506
00:25:59,591 --> 00:26:00,893
He hasn't played for 20 years.
507
00:26:00,959 --> 00:26:04,263
That's like saying "I haven't bought
a Stones record since Brian Jones died."
508
00:26:04,329 --> 00:26:05,998
It's just not a viable excuse.
509
00:26:06,064 --> 00:26:07,166
[audience laughing]
510
00:26:09,001 --> 00:26:10,936
So, I thought about it more
and I realized:
511
00:26:11,003 --> 00:26:13,839
"Oh, you know what it is?
It's because they're old."
512
00:26:15,073 --> 00:26:16,875
Now, I'm not being an ageist, right?
513
00:26:17,142 --> 00:26:19,311
I just didn't want it to be sad.
514
00:26:19,578 --> 00:26:20,779
[audience laughing]
515
00:26:22,147 --> 00:26:25,317
I have a lot of belief and faith
and love for the Rolling Stones.
516
00:26:25,584 --> 00:26:27,953
They're bigger than life.
They're my favorite band.
517
00:26:28,020 --> 00:26:29,988
They'd been there for me forever.
518
00:26:30,055 --> 00:26:31,857
They need to stay the Rolling Stones.
519
00:26:31,924 --> 00:26:35,661
I can't go to a Rolling Stones show
and be like, "Oh, no."
520
00:26:35,727 --> 00:26:36,929
[audience laughing]
521
00:26:39,865 --> 00:26:41,066
I can't let that happen.
522
00:26:41,834 --> 00:26:44,036
I was concerned.
I was concerned for the Stones.
523
00:26:44,102 --> 00:26:46,839
I'm like, "I don't think they
should be doing it anymore."
524
00:26:46,905 --> 00:26:47,973
[audience laughing]
525
00:26:50,843 --> 00:26:53,045
But we went. Dean and I went.
526
00:26:53,846 --> 00:26:56,949
Parked on the fourth level
of the structure.
527
00:26:59,284 --> 00:27:03,889
And we get down to the field,
and there's people of all ages.
528
00:27:03,956 --> 00:27:06,358
Dean's looking around.
"A lot of reading glasses out."
529
00:27:08,760 --> 00:27:10,229
There were guys older than me,
530
00:27:10,295 --> 00:27:13,065
guys my age, young people,
because they're the Stones.
531
00:27:13,131 --> 00:27:16,735
The greatest rock 'n' roll band in
the world. Mythic. The Rolling Stones.
532
00:27:16,802 --> 00:27:18,837
I think I was the only one
who was concerned.
533
00:27:18,904 --> 00:27:20,939
I'm like,
"I don't know how this is gonna go.
534
00:27:21,006 --> 00:27:22,341
[audience laughing]
535
00:27:23,208 --> 00:27:25,210
I don't know. A little worried."
536
00:27:25,277 --> 00:27:27,880
Everyone's like, "Yeah!" and I'm like:
[groaning]
537
00:27:31,016 --> 00:27:33,418
So, I was really worried.
538
00:27:34,419 --> 00:27:36,255
So, the opening band does their thing.
539
00:27:37,055 --> 00:27:40,859
They bring them out. "The Rolling Stones!"
They all come out. I'm like: "Uh..."
540
00:27:41,994 --> 00:27:45,130
So, then there's Keith. Keith's doing
a good job of being Keith at 72.
541
00:27:45,197 --> 00:27:48,367
His hair is its natural color.
He's not dangling shit from it anymore.
542
00:27:48,433 --> 00:27:50,736
He's looking good.
He's doing a few of these.
543
00:27:51,803 --> 00:27:53,071
[audience laughing]
544
00:27:56,308 --> 00:27:57,308
A couple of these.
545
00:28:00,212 --> 00:28:01,980
But not pushing it. Doing a good job.
546
00:28:04,216 --> 00:28:07,185
From what I could see of Charlie,
he's looking good. He's solid.
547
00:28:07,252 --> 00:28:09,454
Gray hair, solid on the drums.
Looking good.
548
00:28:10,122 --> 00:28:12,324
Ronnie is a problem. Ronnie's a problem.
549
00:28:12,391 --> 00:28:13,458
[audience laughing]
550
00:28:14,760 --> 00:28:16,395
His hair is dyed. He's running around.
551
00:28:16,461 --> 00:28:19,998
It's a little embarrassing.
But he's the kid. He's 68, so...
552
00:28:20,065 --> 00:28:21,099
[audience laughing]
553
00:28:22,067 --> 00:28:23,702
I'm gonna give Ronnie a pass.
554
00:28:28,140 --> 00:28:31,076
Now, if you're a real Stones fan,
555
00:28:31,143 --> 00:28:34,980
I believe that some part of you
just tolerates Mick Jagger.
556
00:28:35,047 --> 00:28:36,481
All right? You know...
557
00:28:37,482 --> 00:28:39,918
You know he's important.
He's the Rolling Stones.
558
00:28:39,985 --> 00:28:41,753
But you know, he's Mick Jagger, so...
559
00:28:43,322 --> 00:28:45,958
So, when Mick came out, it was different.
560
00:28:46,024 --> 00:28:47,993
Mick comes out,
and right away he's like:
561
00:28:48,493 --> 00:28:49,928
[audience laughing]
562
00:28:55,334 --> 00:28:56,334
And...
563
00:28:57,836 --> 00:29:00,906
And, like, part of me was like,
"Oh, my. Yeah, I...
564
00:29:02,941 --> 00:29:04,810
Isn't he a little old to be...?
565
00:29:08,080 --> 00:29:09,214
Like...
566
00:29:09,281 --> 00:29:12,417
I was like, "I don't know if he
should be doing that. A man his age."
567
00:29:17,823 --> 00:29:19,825
I was embarrassed, you know?
568
00:29:20,325 --> 00:29:21,526
But then I settled into it.
569
00:29:21,793 --> 00:29:23,795
I was like,
"He's Mick Jagger. He does that.
570
00:29:23,862 --> 00:29:25,542
If anyone's gonna do that,
let Mick do it."
571
00:29:25,764 --> 00:29:29,101
So, I settled in and I was like,
"All right, okay. It's not sad."
572
00:29:29,167 --> 00:29:32,337
It took them three songs
to pull it together, but I like that.
573
00:29:32,404 --> 00:29:35,274
Rock 'n' roll's dirty. It's fucked up.
Let them figure it out.
574
00:29:35,340 --> 00:29:38,043
So, by the fourth song I was
up on my chair like:
575
00:29:39,111 --> 00:29:40,111
You know?
576
00:29:41,146 --> 00:29:42,381
But then something happened.
577
00:29:43,482 --> 00:29:46,852
Well, it was kind of rough
and beautiful at the same time.
578
00:29:46,918 --> 00:29:50,455
So, they're gonna do "Moonlight Mile"
from Sticky Fingers,
579
00:29:50,522 --> 00:29:53,258
a challenging song for the Stones
at any age.
580
00:29:53,325 --> 00:29:55,560
He's gotta do falsetto. It's a slow song.
581
00:29:55,827 --> 00:29:58,363
They put him way out in the audience
on his own platform.
582
00:29:58,430 --> 00:29:59,998
Mick with a guitar.
583
00:30:00,065 --> 00:30:03,035
I think the other guys were
kind of concerned. They were like:
584
00:30:03,101 --> 00:30:04,369
[audience laughing]
585
00:30:08,240 --> 00:30:10,475
You know, and I'm watching him,
and he's doing it.
586
00:30:10,542 --> 00:30:11,543
He's hitting it, man.
587
00:30:11,810 --> 00:30:14,179
He's hitting the falsetto. It's working.
He's in it.
588
00:30:14,246 --> 00:30:17,049
And out of nowhere, I just start crying.
I'm crying.
589
00:30:17,849 --> 00:30:19,885
I look like those black
and white photographs
590
00:30:19,951 --> 00:30:22,154
of those 16-year-old girls in the '60s.
591
00:30:22,220 --> 00:30:23,522
[audience laughing]
592
00:30:26,558 --> 00:30:29,027
Tears are running down my face.
593
00:30:29,094 --> 00:30:31,830
In the middle of that moment,
something horrible happened.
594
00:30:31,897 --> 00:30:34,533
They've got the big screen.
They go right in on Mick's face.
595
00:30:34,599 --> 00:30:35,534
Like right here.
596
00:30:35,600 --> 00:30:37,369
And there it is, 50 feet big.
597
00:30:37,436 --> 00:30:40,105
And I'm like, "Oh, God!
Why are you doing that to Mick?"
598
00:30:40,906 --> 00:30:43,308
You could see everything,
all the lines and dyed hair.
599
00:30:43,375 --> 00:30:45,077
I'm like, "Stop it! Take it down!"
600
00:30:45,143 --> 00:30:46,143
[audience laughing]
601
00:30:48,980 --> 00:30:52,150
It was sad. I was like, "This is horrible.
Why are they doing that?"
602
00:30:52,217 --> 00:30:53,585
And I just kept looking at him.
603
00:30:54,619 --> 00:30:56,421
And all of a sudden it just hit me.
I'm like:
604
00:30:56,488 --> 00:30:59,424
"Whoa, wait a minute. This is amazing."
605
00:30:59,491 --> 00:31:02,027
That these guys
are still doing those songs,
606
00:31:02,094 --> 00:31:05,097
now with all this experience,
and pain, and wisdom,
607
00:31:05,163 --> 00:31:06,932
and just life behind them.
608
00:31:06,998 --> 00:31:09,334
It brings a depth to it
that wasn't there before.
609
00:31:09,401 --> 00:31:11,269
It's fucking unbelievable.
610
00:31:11,470 --> 00:31:15,240
They're still the huge Rolling...
It's, like, beautiful.
611
00:31:15,307 --> 00:31:16,942
I started thinking about it like:
612
00:31:17,008 --> 00:31:20,345
"It's a lot riskier for those guys
to be doing this shit now
613
00:31:20,879 --> 00:31:23,048
than it was in 1972."
614
00:31:24,216 --> 00:31:27,185
I mean, in 1972, if Richards
was, like, fucked up on heroin,
615
00:31:27,252 --> 00:31:30,088
and he fell into a Marshall stack
in the middle of the show,
616
00:31:30,155 --> 00:31:32,467
and they had to cancel it,
half the audience would be like:
617
00:31:32,491 --> 00:31:34,393
"Ha! Fucking Keith!
618
00:31:34,459 --> 00:31:36,094
[audience laughing]
619
00:31:36,161 --> 00:31:37,662
Man, he was so fucked up.
620
00:31:38,163 --> 00:31:40,031
They couldn't even finish.
621
00:31:40,098 --> 00:31:41,233
I love it. I love it."
622
00:31:43,902 --> 00:31:45,003
They didn't care.
623
00:31:45,404 --> 00:31:48,173
But now they're old,
and they're doing this shit.
624
00:31:48,240 --> 00:31:49,541
And they're running around.
625
00:31:53,678 --> 00:31:56,548
Like there were points where I'm like,
"Take it easy, fellas.
626
00:31:58,116 --> 00:31:59,116
Don't go crazy."
627
00:31:59,584 --> 00:32:02,387
Because Mick's running.
He's running from side to side.
628
00:32:02,454 --> 00:32:03,454
[audience laughing]
629
00:32:11,563 --> 00:32:14,599
I was like, "Slow down,"
because what if it was just like, "Yeah...
630
00:32:15,333 --> 00:32:17,035
[audience laughing]
631
00:32:19,070 --> 00:32:20,405
[audience cheering]
632
00:32:21,473 --> 00:32:22,473
Keith.
633
00:32:23,074 --> 00:32:24,376
Keith, help me. Keith.
634
00:32:26,278 --> 00:32:28,713
Oh, my God. It's happened.
635
00:32:30,615 --> 00:32:31,615
It's happened."
636
00:32:34,252 --> 00:32:35,252
Like,
637
00:32:35,520 --> 00:32:40,425
if that happened, an entire generation
of people would just be out there going:
638
00:32:40,492 --> 00:32:42,260
"Oh, fuck. It's over.
639
00:32:42,327 --> 00:32:43,528
[audience laughing]
640
00:32:45,263 --> 00:32:46,298
Mick is down.
641
00:32:48,366 --> 00:32:49,366
We're dying.
642
00:32:50,368 --> 00:32:51,503
We're dying."
643
00:32:58,577 --> 00:33:01,513
He didn't go down, though.
He did not go down.
644
00:33:02,180 --> 00:33:06,084
They stayed.
They stayed the Rolling Stones.
645
00:33:06,485 --> 00:33:07,385
Now...
646
00:33:07,452 --> 00:33:08,520
[crowd applauding]
647
00:33:09,454 --> 00:33:11,256
I'm gonna share something with you.
648
00:33:11,656 --> 00:33:15,160
I'm not proud of it, but Dean,
my buddy Dean,
649
00:33:15,227 --> 00:33:16,995
he's in his 50's, too. He's 50.
650
00:33:17,629 --> 00:33:19,397
We watched the concert and they left.
651
00:33:19,464 --> 00:33:21,700
And we knew they were gonna
do one encore, right?
652
00:33:22,167 --> 00:33:24,402
Me and Dean are sitting there.
They come back out.
653
00:33:24,469 --> 00:33:27,639
And they go into "Satisfaction."
And I swear to God, at the same time,
654
00:33:27,706 --> 00:33:29,274
we look at each other like:
655
00:33:29,741 --> 00:33:30,609
[whispers] "Let's go.
656
00:33:30,675 --> 00:33:32,043
[audience laughing]
657
00:33:33,778 --> 00:33:37,582
- Let's do it. Let's beat the crowd."
- Dean lit up. He's like, "Yeah, let's go."
658
00:33:39,451 --> 00:33:41,152
We've got a mission. We're running.
659
00:33:41,219 --> 00:33:44,589
We're like, "Let's go." And we get out.
We've gotta get out of an arena.
660
00:33:45,056 --> 00:33:47,335
We hear them go into
"You Can't Always Get What You Want."
661
00:33:47,359 --> 00:33:51,329
And we could hear that they'd brought
on stage like an entire choir.
662
00:33:51,396 --> 00:33:52,564
I'm like, "Shit, a choir."
663
00:33:52,631 --> 00:33:54,666
Dean's like,
"We can hear. Just keep going."
664
00:33:54,733 --> 00:33:56,034
[audience laughing]
665
00:33:58,703 --> 00:34:02,040
We run up the stairs, and we get
to the car, and we're driving down.
666
00:34:02,107 --> 00:34:04,776
As we're pulling out of the garage,
we see the crowds break.
667
00:34:05,043 --> 00:34:07,746
There's this wave of people
coming out of the arena,
668
00:34:07,812 --> 00:34:09,314
and we're like, "Shit, do it."
669
00:34:09,381 --> 00:34:12,817
And we get out, we get on the highway,
we beat the crowds free and clear.
670
00:34:13,552 --> 00:34:14,552
And...
671
00:34:15,387 --> 00:34:18,189
But I think that might have been
the highlight of the night.
672
00:34:18,256 --> 00:34:19,457
[audience laughing]
673
00:34:21,293 --> 00:34:23,328
It might have been better
than the concert.
674
00:34:23,395 --> 00:34:28,700
We enjoyed the concert, but we could
not have been more excited.
675
00:34:28,767 --> 00:34:32,304
We were like, "Dude!
Dude, we're out! We're out!
676
00:34:33,572 --> 00:34:36,508
That concert was amazing,
but we're out, we're driving!
677
00:34:37,175 --> 00:34:39,544
Put a Stones CD in.
Let's put a Stones CD in.
678
00:34:41,379 --> 00:34:42,379
Play Exile.
679
00:34:42,414 --> 00:34:45,083
That concert was good,
but it's not Exile."
680
00:34:47,218 --> 00:34:49,721
It was a good moment.
Sometimes you do get what you want.
681
00:34:49,788 --> 00:34:51,323
- [audience laughing]
- Um...
682
00:34:53,491 --> 00:34:56,861
[groans] I don't know why I'm hung up
on this mortality thing.
683
00:34:57,128 --> 00:34:58,196
I don't know why.
684
00:34:58,263 --> 00:35:01,399
I think it's because I had a near-death
experience not too long ago.
685
00:35:01,466 --> 00:35:04,302
I almost died. Uh... Well, I went running.
686
00:35:04,369 --> 00:35:07,739
- And, um, I hadn't done it in a while.
- [audience laughing]
687
00:35:10,442 --> 00:35:13,545
And it was scary. It was touch and go,
as far as I could tell.
688
00:35:14,212 --> 00:35:15,380
I was very close to death.
689
00:35:16,881 --> 00:35:19,384
I don't know what you do,
but I don't exercise much.
690
00:35:19,451 --> 00:35:21,186
I may look in shape, but not really.
691
00:35:21,252 --> 00:35:23,588
I go through periods
where I don't exercise at all.
692
00:35:23,655 --> 00:35:25,590
And it takes a lot to get me to exercise.
693
00:35:25,657 --> 00:35:27,392
I don't know what happens with you,
694
00:35:27,459 --> 00:35:30,662
but with me,
the exercise thing is like three phases
695
00:35:31,296 --> 00:35:34,132
that have to happen
before I actually exercise.
696
00:35:34,199 --> 00:35:39,304
Like, phase one usually is just me sitting
at home alone, doing nothing.
697
00:35:39,504 --> 00:35:42,273
And out of nowhere I just look down
and I go, "Oh, fuck me.
698
00:35:42,340 --> 00:35:43,541
[audience laughing]
699
00:35:44,709 --> 00:35:47,445
Goddamn it. What the fuck
is wrong with me?
700
00:35:48,546 --> 00:35:52,651
Goddamn it.
Why can't I just exercise? It's bullshit.
701
00:35:54,519 --> 00:35:57,789
I've gotta get back in shape.
I've gotta get back in shape."
702
00:35:58,590 --> 00:36:01,292
Then some part of your brain is like,
"What do you mean, 'back'?"
703
00:36:01,359 --> 00:36:02,394
[audience laughing]
704
00:36:03,328 --> 00:36:04,629
Like, somewhere in my mind,
705
00:36:07,298 --> 00:36:09,367
I think that
there was a period of time
706
00:36:09,434 --> 00:36:11,569
where I hit the gym three,
four times a week.
707
00:36:11,636 --> 00:36:13,872
I was running, hitting weights,
a little ripped.
708
00:36:13,938 --> 00:36:16,541
But in reality, I don't think
that time ever happened.
709
00:36:16,608 --> 00:36:18,543
I don't think it ever existed.
710
00:36:18,610 --> 00:36:21,413
I think it's a mythology
I've created for myself
711
00:36:22,280 --> 00:36:24,783
to judge myself against
when I want to hate myself
712
00:36:24,849 --> 00:36:27,185
because I have a little bit
of time on my hands.
713
00:36:28,620 --> 00:36:30,188
That doesn't always get me out.
714
00:36:30,255 --> 00:36:32,924
There's the next phase,
which is you wake up and you're like:
715
00:36:33,191 --> 00:36:35,493
"The only way I'm gonna do it is
if I get new shoes.
716
00:36:35,560 --> 00:36:36,861
I gotta get new shoes.
717
00:36:37,495 --> 00:36:41,332
Those shoes don't even work anymore.
Those... I've gotta get new shoes.
718
00:36:41,399 --> 00:36:42,867
You've gotta get the magic shoes."
719
00:36:43,735 --> 00:36:44,769
There's no magic shoes.
720
00:36:44,836 --> 00:36:48,440
There are no shoes that wake you up
because they put themselves on your feet
721
00:36:48,506 --> 00:36:49,908
and started the process.
722
00:36:49,974 --> 00:36:52,844
"Hey, what's going on? Wait.
Pants. We need pants."
723
00:36:52,911 --> 00:36:54,279
[audience laughing]
724
00:36:57,282 --> 00:36:59,350
You get the shoes,
you put them in the closet,
725
00:36:59,417 --> 00:37:01,553
and you see them
when you get your other shoes.
726
00:37:03,254 --> 00:37:06,424
They're like, "Are we doing it?"
"Shut up. We'll do it when I want to.
727
00:37:07,525 --> 00:37:08,827
That's how I talk to sneakers.
728
00:37:08,893 --> 00:37:10,962
I don't know who you are
or what your life is.
729
00:37:13,298 --> 00:37:16,634
But the way it has to happen,
the way it happens to exercise, really,
730
00:37:16,701 --> 00:37:20,672
is that you have to be seized by the need
to do it in a moment.
731
00:37:20,739 --> 00:37:24,609
Like, the spirit has to move you like,
"I gotta go. I gotta do it now."
732
00:37:24,676 --> 00:37:26,311
And you have to do it right then,
733
00:37:26,377 --> 00:37:28,780
because that's your portal.
That's your window back in.
734
00:37:28,847 --> 00:37:30,682
You've gotta do it when that hits you.
735
00:37:30,749 --> 00:37:33,785
And it hit me.
It was 2:30 in the afternoon.
736
00:37:34,352 --> 00:37:35,720
And it was 102 degrees outside.
737
00:37:35,787 --> 00:37:38,790
Now, I hadn't run in, like, two years.
I didn't let that stop me.
738
00:37:38,857 --> 00:37:40,592
I'm like, "I can do it. I can do it.
739
00:37:41,025 --> 00:37:42,025
I can run."
740
00:37:42,794 --> 00:37:44,295
So, I put on my magic shoes,
741
00:37:44,362 --> 00:37:47,665
and I grabbed my driver's license
for easy tagging.
742
00:37:47,732 --> 00:37:51,569
I don't know about you, but I always
take the driver's license.
743
00:37:51,636 --> 00:37:53,304
I got my iPhone, I'll get outside.
744
00:37:53,371 --> 00:37:55,707
"Oh, shit, I better get the license.
If I go down..."
745
00:37:56,374 --> 00:37:58,777
They're not gonna crack an iPhone
for a terrorist cell.
746
00:37:58,843 --> 00:38:03,581
They're not gonna do it for a
mid-level celebrity dead on a hill.
747
00:38:03,648 --> 00:38:04,992
[audience laughing and applauding]
748
00:38:05,016 --> 00:38:06,718
Better take the driver's license.
749
00:38:08,686 --> 00:38:11,556
I'm out there running the hills.
I haven't been out there in...
750
00:38:11,623 --> 00:38:15,593
I don't even notice how hot it is, because
it's so hot sweat's not even building up.
751
00:38:17,028 --> 00:38:19,764
I get ten minutes in and all
of a sudden my hands go numb.
752
00:38:19,831 --> 00:38:21,699
And I'm like, "What's happening?"
753
00:38:21,766 --> 00:38:24,736
Then I can't feel my arms,
and I'm like, "This isn't good."
754
00:38:24,803 --> 00:38:26,013
And then my heart starts going:
755
00:38:26,037 --> 00:38:27,605
[mimics heart thumping]
756
00:38:27,672 --> 00:38:28,873
And I'm like, "Holy shit."
757
00:38:28,940 --> 00:38:32,811
I had to take a knee.
I had to take a knee, outdoors,
758
00:38:34,612 --> 00:38:36,848
and appeal to a God that I don't have,
759
00:38:36,915 --> 00:38:38,349
[audience laughing]
760
00:38:38,983 --> 00:38:40,985
and say, "This doesn't happen here.
761
00:38:41,052 --> 00:38:42,654
This doesn't happen outside.
762
00:38:42,987 --> 00:38:44,856
This is an indoor thing, and it's quick.
763
00:38:45,356 --> 00:38:46,391
Not outside.
764
00:38:46,457 --> 00:38:48,793
In a bathtub, in my sleep,
something like that.
765
00:38:49,027 --> 00:38:50,027
Not out here."
766
00:38:51,963 --> 00:38:53,631
As I was sitting there I was like:
767
00:38:53,698 --> 00:38:57,335
"How many men's last words are
'I got this'?" You know what I mean?
768
00:38:57,569 --> 00:38:59,804
What was I doing out there?
Dumb pride, you know?
769
00:39:01,773 --> 00:39:02,640
And then I got up.
770
00:39:02,707 --> 00:39:07,812
I had this fear that I would be
found just laying there outdoors.
771
00:39:07,879 --> 00:39:10,114
Like, some hipster couple
with their dumb dog...
772
00:39:10,381 --> 00:39:11,549
[audience laughing]
773
00:39:13,785 --> 00:39:15,386
would just find me laying there.
774
00:39:15,453 --> 00:39:18,022
They'd be like, "He did not have it.
Did not have it today.
775
00:39:19,757 --> 00:39:23,461
Oh, look. It's, like, the first day out
for those shoes. Look at those shoes."
776
00:39:26,097 --> 00:39:28,800
"Come on, buddy.
Just stay away from him. It's not polite."
777
00:39:31,569 --> 00:39:33,404
It didn't happen. And I tell you what,
778
00:39:33,471 --> 00:39:35,406
I got up. That's how stubborn I am.
779
00:39:35,473 --> 00:39:37,842
I got up, and I still did... I didn't run.
780
00:39:37,909 --> 00:39:39,110
But I did the entire route.
781
00:39:39,577 --> 00:39:40,845
And then I called the doctor.
782
00:39:42,413 --> 00:39:44,549
The next day I called the doctor
because I'm 53
783
00:39:44,616 --> 00:39:45,984
and I should when that happens.
784
00:39:46,050 --> 00:39:49,020
They set me up with a cardiologist,
so, I go to the cardiologist.
785
00:39:49,087 --> 00:39:51,522
When you go to the doctor,
you want something to be wrong.
786
00:39:51,589 --> 00:39:54,592
Not a major thing, but enough to not
make you a fucking lunatic.
787
00:39:54,859 --> 00:39:55,727
So...
788
00:39:55,793 --> 00:39:56,861
[audience laughing]
789
00:39:59,530 --> 00:40:00,832
I go to the cardiologist.
790
00:40:01,165 --> 00:40:04,035
And I don't get it, man.
They can put people in space,
791
00:40:04,102 --> 00:40:05,870
we can take money out around the world,
792
00:40:05,937 --> 00:40:08,115
they make all these developments,
they can clone things.
793
00:40:08,139 --> 00:40:10,475
But they can't get a handle
on this vessel.
794
00:40:10,642 --> 00:40:13,645
This is a closed system,
confounding for some reason.
795
00:40:13,711 --> 00:40:14,812
Cannot figure it out.
796
00:40:15,513 --> 00:40:16,881
Right? Isn't it crazy?
797
00:40:17,515 --> 00:40:19,751
So, I go to this doctor,
they do all the tests.
798
00:40:19,817 --> 00:40:22,921
They do a stress test,
cardiogram, blood test.
799
00:40:23,121 --> 00:40:25,456
They do an ultrasound of my heart.
800
00:40:25,957 --> 00:40:27,425
And, uh, it's a girl.
801
00:40:27,759 --> 00:40:28,760
Um...
802
00:40:28,860 --> 00:40:29,860
[audience laughing]
803
00:40:33,865 --> 00:40:35,733
You know,
sometimes you don't wanna know.
804
00:40:35,800 --> 00:40:38,536
But, you know, I kind of knew.
I think a lot of you knew.
805
00:40:42,006 --> 00:40:44,909
They do all these fucking tests,
and then the doctor comes out.
806
00:40:44,976 --> 00:40:48,513
And he's like, "Yeah, you're great.
You're in perfect shape. No problems.
807
00:40:48,713 --> 00:40:51,015
Perfectly fit. Everything...
All the tests are good."
808
00:40:51,516 --> 00:40:52,583
And I'm like, "What?
809
00:40:53,918 --> 00:40:56,154
What does that mean?"
He's like, "You're healthy."
810
00:40:56,688 --> 00:40:58,623
And I'm like, "What happened out there?
811
00:40:58,890 --> 00:41:01,926
On the hill, when my hands went numb,
my arm went numb,
812
00:41:01,993 --> 00:41:04,162
and my heart was skipping?
What was that about?"
813
00:41:04,629 --> 00:41:08,633
And a doctor, a real doctor,
looked at me and said:
814
00:41:08,700 --> 00:41:09,867
"Who knows?"
815
00:41:09,934 --> 00:41:11,002
[audience laughing]
816
00:41:15,139 --> 00:41:16,607
"Shouldn't you know?"
817
00:41:18,142 --> 00:41:20,778
"Look, we'll see if it happens again.
Let me know."
818
00:41:20,845 --> 00:41:22,847
"No, I'm gonna call you
before I go running.
819
00:41:22,914 --> 00:41:25,083
And you can come
and follow me in your car.
820
00:41:25,149 --> 00:41:26,149
How would that be?"
821
00:41:27,986 --> 00:41:28,986
"Who knows?"
822
00:41:30,955 --> 00:41:32,824
I shouldn't have told my mom about it.
823
00:41:33,791 --> 00:41:36,027
'Cause that gave her a reason
to check in with me.
824
00:41:36,094 --> 00:41:37,161
[audience laughing]
825
00:41:40,198 --> 00:41:41,265
I don't wanna be negative.
826
00:41:42,600 --> 00:41:45,045
But my mother's just inappropriate.
She's always been inappropriate.
827
00:41:45,069 --> 00:41:46,069
No boundaries.
828
00:41:46,871 --> 00:41:48,706
It's disturbing. It's just disturbing.
829
00:41:49,841 --> 00:41:50,841
It is.
830
00:41:51,009 --> 00:41:53,878
And now someone's taught her
how to use emojis. It's no good.
831
00:41:55,246 --> 00:41:56,647
It's never the right emoji.
832
00:41:58,149 --> 00:42:00,985
She's very partial to the smiley face
with the heart eyes.
833
00:42:01,052 --> 00:42:04,589
And that's not the right one
for your 53-year-old man son.
834
00:42:04,655 --> 00:42:07,759
That's not the right one.
It's just not the appropriate emoji.
835
00:42:09,694 --> 00:42:10,694
All caps.
836
00:42:11,562 --> 00:42:13,531
All caps texts, all caps e-mails.
837
00:42:13,598 --> 00:42:15,600
She doesn't know
how to make little letters.
838
00:42:15,833 --> 00:42:18,069
She knows how to change
the color of the e-mails,
839
00:42:18,136 --> 00:42:20,016
but she doesn't know how
to make little letters.
840
00:42:20,705 --> 00:42:24,575
If the NSA is looking at all her e-mails,
my mom's nickname is All Caps in Florida.
841
00:42:24,942 --> 00:42:26,611
Not a national security threat,
842
00:42:26,677 --> 00:42:29,614
but she does make her 53-year-old
man son uncomfortable
843
00:42:30,214 --> 00:42:34,185
when she sends an all-caps text
that says, "I love you."
844
00:42:34,252 --> 00:42:36,020
Smiley face heart eyes.
845
00:42:36,754 --> 00:42:38,256
What am I supposed to do with that?
846
00:42:38,322 --> 00:42:39,690
[audience laughing]
847
00:42:42,193 --> 00:42:43,761
Look, I love my mother.
848
00:42:43,828 --> 00:42:45,329
But I'm not in love with her.
849
00:42:49,167 --> 00:42:50,835
I don't think I am. I, uh...
850
00:42:50,902 --> 00:42:52,203
[audience laughing]
851
00:42:54,705 --> 00:42:55,705
Huh.
852
00:42:56,240 --> 00:42:57,241
Inappropriate though.
853
00:42:57,308 --> 00:42:59,577
Like, one time, she sent me
a manila envelope.
854
00:42:59,744 --> 00:43:01,979
Like, a manila envelope
in the regular mail.
855
00:43:02,046 --> 00:43:04,849
No phone call, no heads-up.
I didn't know what it was.
856
00:43:05,116 --> 00:43:08,119
But I knew it was from her,
'cause it had her needy scrawl on it.
857
00:43:08,219 --> 00:43:09,087
So...
858
00:43:09,153 --> 00:43:10,822
[audience laughing]
859
00:43:15,126 --> 00:43:17,995
I opened it up, and there were
two notarized forms in there.
860
00:43:18,062 --> 00:43:20,364
And I thought,
"This should've been a phone call.
861
00:43:20,631 --> 00:43:22,033
I don't even know what this is."
862
00:43:22,667 --> 00:43:25,069
But this looks like a phone call,
or maybe a heads-up:
863
00:43:25,136 --> 00:43:27,305
"I'm sending some notarized forms to you."
864
00:43:28,639 --> 00:43:30,041
This was breakfast I was eating.
865
00:43:31,776 --> 00:43:36,013
And they were two documents.
One was her desire to be cremated...
866
00:43:38,883 --> 00:43:42,286
and have her ashes spread somewhere
over the Southwest.
867
00:43:42,353 --> 00:43:45,623
Which I thought was good. It was broad,
and it gave me options.
868
00:43:45,690 --> 00:43:49,227
Theoretically,
I could drive 10 minutes into Arizona,
869
00:43:49,293 --> 00:43:51,262
and just be like, "Adios, Mama." You know?
870
00:43:51,329 --> 00:43:52,396
[audience laughing]
871
00:43:57,835 --> 00:43:59,003
The other document...
872
00:44:00,738 --> 00:44:03,241
was the DNR document.
873
00:44:04,375 --> 00:44:06,677
Look, people have to do this.
It's important.
874
00:44:06,744 --> 00:44:08,246
But I could've used a phone call.
875
00:44:08,312 --> 00:44:11,816
So, this is
the do-not-resuscitate document.
876
00:44:11,883 --> 00:44:17,121
Now, I didn't know that there's a list
of people, in order of preference...
877
00:44:18,356 --> 00:44:20,725
who can do the unplugging.
I didn't know that.
878
00:44:22,393 --> 00:44:25,263
I'm not pissed off,
but I'm not number one.
879
00:44:25,329 --> 00:44:26,731
[audience laughing]
880
00:44:31,736 --> 00:44:32,970
It's my little brother.
881
00:44:33,037 --> 00:44:34,372
My little brother.
882
00:44:36,040 --> 00:44:37,308
Why does he get to kill her?
883
00:44:37,375 --> 00:44:38,743
[audience laughing]
884
00:44:42,780 --> 00:44:44,081
That's why she didn't call me.
885
00:44:45,883 --> 00:44:49,687
How is she gonna explain that to me?
Her first born, who she's in love with.
886
00:44:51,889 --> 00:44:54,926
She did not trust me
with that very delicate responsibility.
887
00:44:56,160 --> 00:44:58,996
Then I started thinking,
"Me and my brother aren't getting along.
888
00:44:59,063 --> 00:45:01,808
Maybe this is just her way of trying
to get us to do something together."
889
00:45:01,832 --> 00:45:02,833
That's what I thought.
890
00:45:02,900 --> 00:45:04,101
[audience laughing]
891
00:45:07,271 --> 00:45:08,873
But what did she think?
892
00:45:08,940 --> 00:45:11,242
Did she think I was gonna
jump the gun or something?
893
00:45:11,309 --> 00:45:13,177
What'd she think was gonna happen?
894
00:45:13,244 --> 00:45:16,247
That I'd be in the hospital room,
she's on the machine,
895
00:45:16,847 --> 00:45:20,184
and I'd be talking to my brother like,
"Come on, do it, man. Just pull it.
896
00:45:20,351 --> 00:45:22,219
Pull it, bro. Just fucking do it."
897
00:45:23,854 --> 00:45:25,089
"Marc, she's still talking."
898
00:45:25,156 --> 00:45:26,156
"I know.
899
00:45:28,092 --> 00:45:30,127
But enough already, right?
Let's wrap it up."
900
00:45:35,333 --> 00:45:37,001
My mother does not love that joke.
901
00:45:37,068 --> 00:45:38,202
[audience laughing]
902
00:45:42,340 --> 00:45:46,377
You know, some people think
that, like, comedy takes courage.
903
00:45:46,444 --> 00:45:49,213
I don't know if that's true.
I guess it is at some point.
904
00:45:49,280 --> 00:45:50,991
I don't even know
if what I'm doing is comedy anymore.
905
00:45:51,015 --> 00:45:53,184
But I certainly don't have a lot of fear.
906
00:45:53,851 --> 00:45:55,462
But I'll tell you what,
part of my process...
907
00:45:55,486 --> 00:45:57,488
I'll share it with you.
I don't write jokes.
908
00:45:57,755 --> 00:46:01,892
I write, you know, compulsive thoughts,
you know, on Post-its. Now...
909
00:46:03,527 --> 00:46:05,096
these take courage.
910
00:46:06,530 --> 00:46:08,899
Because I do these
while I'm driving. Now...
911
00:46:08,966 --> 00:46:10,234
[audience laughing]
912
00:46:10,901 --> 00:46:14,438
This is more dangerous than texting,
'cause I need both hands.
913
00:46:14,505 --> 00:46:18,042
I gotta hold the pad down on the wheel.
Then I gotta write,
914
00:46:18,109 --> 00:46:20,111
and I gotta focus
on the important thought.
915
00:46:20,811 --> 00:46:24,281
So, my life is put at risk,
and the life of others, for these.
916
00:46:24,548 --> 00:46:26,851
So, I figure I should share them.
917
00:46:26,917 --> 00:46:30,421
Since, you know, many lives
were hanging in the balance.
918
00:46:30,488 --> 00:46:31,389
[audience cheering]
919
00:46:31,455 --> 00:46:34,091
Don't... Don't get too crazy.
920
00:46:36,293 --> 00:46:40,431
All right, so, this one just says, um,
"My comfort zone is uncomfortable."
921
00:46:40,498 --> 00:46:42,066
[audience laughing]
922
00:46:43,234 --> 00:46:45,436
That's worth dying for, right?
Right, worth...?
923
00:46:45,503 --> 00:46:46,837
[audience cheering]
924
00:46:49,473 --> 00:46:53,878
This one says, "I want people to like me,
I just want to know why they do."
925
00:46:53,944 --> 00:46:55,379
[audience laughing]
926
00:46:56,981 --> 00:46:59,383
I think that was worth
taking out a pedestrian or two.
927
00:47:02,520 --> 00:47:04,121
Here's one. This is interesting.
928
00:47:04,188 --> 00:47:07,291
"The monster I created
to protect the kid inside me
929
00:47:07,358 --> 00:47:08,526
is hard to manage."
930
00:47:08,592 --> 00:47:09,894
[audience laughing]
931
00:47:11,462 --> 00:47:13,998
Not funny, but it's a thinker, right?
It's a thinker.
932
00:47:14,532 --> 00:47:16,867
It makes you think,
"Wow. That should be in a book
933
00:47:16,934 --> 00:47:18,269
with other things like that."
934
00:47:18,335 --> 00:47:19,603
[audience laughing]
935
00:47:23,908 --> 00:47:25,076
Oh, this one just says:
936
00:47:25,142 --> 00:47:27,278
"The trepidation
of the Dave Matthews fan."
937
00:47:27,344 --> 00:47:28,512
[audience laughing]
938
00:47:32,283 --> 00:47:34,885
It's hilarious to me
that people respond to just that.
939
00:47:36,053 --> 00:47:39,190
'Cause you know who you are.
It's not easy for them. It's not easy.
940
00:47:40,624 --> 00:47:43,194
They can't be out with that,
you know what I mean?
941
00:47:43,394 --> 00:47:45,062
You can't put that into the world.
942
00:47:45,129 --> 00:47:46,540
You don't know
how that's gonna be received.
943
00:47:46,564 --> 00:47:48,065
Not good, generally.
944
00:47:50,101 --> 00:47:53,037
The only place the Dave Matthews fan
can truly be comfortable
945
00:47:53,104 --> 00:47:55,039
is when they're wearing sandals
and cargo shorts,
946
00:47:55,106 --> 00:47:56,407
jigging around in an arena...
947
00:47:58,375 --> 00:47:59,877
with other like-minded people.
948
00:48:01,245 --> 00:48:03,414
"I hope these mushrooms
aren't bunk again."
949
00:48:03,481 --> 00:48:04,982
[audience laughing]
950
00:48:07,585 --> 00:48:09,420
I don't need to shit on Dave Matthews.
951
00:48:09,487 --> 00:48:12,156
I don't need to take time to do that.
I personally don't like him.
952
00:48:12,223 --> 00:48:16,260
But this came from a true, honest,
beautiful, human moment.
953
00:48:16,327 --> 00:48:18,038
I'll share that with you.
But I do need to address
954
00:48:18,062 --> 00:48:20,464
the Dave Matthews thing.
I listen to a lot of music.
955
00:48:21,132 --> 00:48:22,166
I'm very open minded.
956
00:48:22,233 --> 00:48:25,536
I can listen to Parliament in the morning,
Bert Jansch in the afternoon.
957
00:48:25,603 --> 00:48:28,105
And maybe some Gram Parsons.
Whatever, I mix it up.
958
00:48:28,339 --> 00:48:30,174
I'm not just dropping names to be hip.
959
00:48:30,241 --> 00:48:32,243
I have an open mind
when it comes to music.
960
00:48:32,309 --> 00:48:34,478
But I cannot get through two of his songs.
961
00:48:34,545 --> 00:48:36,180
I can't get through. I...
962
00:48:36,647 --> 00:48:38,015
And I try. I try.
963
00:48:38,082 --> 00:48:40,551
By midway...
By midway through the second song,
964
00:48:40,918 --> 00:48:43,587
I get a type of boredom
that's not even normal boredom.
965
00:48:43,654 --> 00:48:46,023
It's like there's an edge to it.
966
00:48:46,090 --> 00:48:47,591
It's like an aggravated boredom.
967
00:48:47,658 --> 00:48:50,995
Like the boredom sets in,
and then I'm like, "God, fuck. What the...
968
00:48:51,061 --> 00:48:52,096
Why? Why?"
969
00:48:52,363 --> 00:48:54,398
Like, I don't know what that is.
970
00:48:54,465 --> 00:48:55,465
[audience laughing]
971
00:48:57,635 --> 00:49:00,304
But I know people like him.
And, you know, good for you.
972
00:49:00,371 --> 00:49:01,672
I know it's hard for you guys.
973
00:49:05,109 --> 00:49:06,410
It's very hard to defend that.
974
00:49:08,412 --> 00:49:11,282
And the moment that I had,
which was kind of beautiful, was...
975
00:49:12,416 --> 00:49:16,020
It was great.
I was in Iowa City doing a gig.
976
00:49:16,086 --> 00:49:17,188
[audience members whooping]
977
00:49:17,254 --> 00:49:19,190
Oh, yeah?
It's a very interesting town.
978
00:49:19,256 --> 00:49:23,194
I've never seen a town more separated
into, like, full on sports meatheads,
979
00:49:23,360 --> 00:49:25,729
and then the writers' program, you know?
So, like...
980
00:49:25,996 --> 00:49:27,231
[audience laughing]
981
00:49:27,698 --> 00:49:30,434
There's just people that are just like,
"We're gonna win!"
982
00:49:30,501 --> 00:49:33,470
And then people like, "I'm still sad
about David Foster Wallace.
983
00:49:33,537 --> 00:49:35,673
I'm never gonna get over... " And somehow,
984
00:49:35,739 --> 00:49:38,609
there's a perfect yin yang to the thing.
This complete...
985
00:49:41,412 --> 00:49:43,714
Okay, so, I'm getting coffee in Iowa City.
986
00:49:43,981 --> 00:49:45,959
There's a guy getting coffee
in front of me. He's ordering.
987
00:49:45,983 --> 00:49:47,117
There's a barista there.
988
00:49:47,184 --> 00:49:50,054
And the guy ordering coffee says
to the guy making coffee:
989
00:49:50,120 --> 00:49:52,299
"What are you doing this weekend?"
The guy making coffee looks up,
990
00:49:52,323 --> 00:49:54,625
and he's like,
"Oh, I'm going to a concert."
991
00:49:55,392 --> 00:49:58,562
Then the guy ordering coffee goes,
"Really? Who are you going to see?"
992
00:49:58,629 --> 00:50:01,599
And then the other guy stood up,
and I saw it in his face.
993
00:50:02,299 --> 00:50:03,634
[audience laughing]
994
00:50:07,471 --> 00:50:09,106
"Dave Matthews Band."
995
00:50:11,475 --> 00:50:15,312
And I was... I felt for him.
It was courageous.
996
00:50:16,447 --> 00:50:18,382
He put himself out there. That's hard.
997
00:50:18,449 --> 00:50:20,484
You know,
you don't know how it's gonna land.
998
00:50:20,684 --> 00:50:24,388
It hung there for, like,
two, like, really tense seconds.
999
00:50:25,589 --> 00:50:28,692
And then the other guy goes,
"Oh, I fucking love Dave Matthews."
1000
00:50:29,727 --> 00:50:32,329
And I was so happy for them,
that they had this moment.
1001
00:50:33,330 --> 00:50:35,666
I knew in my heart they were both wrong.
I knew that.
1002
00:50:35,733 --> 00:50:37,167
[audience laughing]
1003
00:50:37,234 --> 00:50:38,369
But I was happy for them.
1004
00:50:39,303 --> 00:50:41,472
'Cause I'm a big-hearted, tolerant person.
1005
00:50:41,538 --> 00:50:42,806
[audience applauding]
1006
00:50:48,112 --> 00:50:49,747
Oh, yeah. This one.
This one just says:
1007
00:50:49,813 --> 00:50:53,284
"I expect relief and life-changing impact
from everything."
1008
00:50:53,684 --> 00:50:55,185
[audience laughing]
1009
00:50:56,587 --> 00:50:57,587
That's a lot.
1010
00:50:58,622 --> 00:51:01,392
Then there's a second thought,
because there's a line here.
1011
00:51:01,458 --> 00:51:03,761
So, I must have stopped driving
and just sort of like:
1012
00:51:05,629 --> 00:51:09,600
The other one says, "The space between
despair and orgasm is hard to fill."
1013
00:51:10,134 --> 00:51:11,502
[audience laughing]
1014
00:51:12,736 --> 00:51:15,706
And that's not a time thing,
that's a philosophical idea.
1015
00:51:22,246 --> 00:51:23,246
So...
1016
00:51:27,351 --> 00:51:28,351
Some guy...
1017
00:51:30,487 --> 00:51:31,588
Some guy sent me a hat.
1018
00:51:38,862 --> 00:51:42,866
He sent me a hat. Look, I don't know how
hat companies stay in business, you know?
1019
00:51:44,668 --> 00:51:46,403
It was a gift, I guess, you know.
1020
00:51:46,470 --> 00:51:49,473
And I know, I'm a guy.
I've been the guy on the street,
1021
00:51:49,540 --> 00:51:51,809
just standing there.
You see a hipster with a hat,
1022
00:51:51,875 --> 00:51:53,720
and you're like,
"Oh, I gotta get a fucking hat."
1023
00:51:53,744 --> 00:51:54,744
I've been that guy.
1024
00:51:56,380 --> 00:51:57,624
But I don't know
how they stay in business.
1025
00:51:57,648 --> 00:51:59,416
Anyways, this guy sent me a hat.
1026
00:51:59,483 --> 00:52:02,252
It was a big hat. It was a fancy hat.
It was a Stetson hat.
1027
00:52:02,319 --> 00:52:05,656
I didn't know the guy well.
But it was a gift. It wasn't a cowboy hat.
1028
00:52:06,256 --> 00:52:09,493
It was like a...
Like a 1800s derby looking hat.
1029
00:52:09,560 --> 00:52:10,560
Nice hat.
1030
00:52:10,694 --> 00:52:12,863
But I would've had to change
my entire life...
1031
00:52:13,130 --> 00:52:14,331
[audience laughing]
1032
00:52:20,838 --> 00:52:22,906
you know, to accommodate that hat.
I just...
1033
00:52:25,476 --> 00:52:27,411
I knew two things when I opened that box.
1034
00:52:27,478 --> 00:52:30,180
I'm like, "That is a nice hat."
I Googled it. It's a $100 hat.
1035
00:52:30,247 --> 00:52:33,283
And it's never leaving the house
on my head. It's never going out.
1036
00:52:33,817 --> 00:52:35,319
Not gonna happen for that hat.
1037
00:52:35,853 --> 00:52:38,489
Because... All right,
I'll be honest with you.
1038
00:52:38,555 --> 00:52:39,923
Yeah, I'll tell you. All right.
1039
00:52:41,392 --> 00:52:43,394
I've been the guy...
1040
00:52:44,395 --> 00:52:47,231
in a store that sells big stupid hats.
1041
00:52:48,665 --> 00:52:51,502
Standing in front of a mirror
with a big stupid hat on,
1042
00:52:52,369 --> 00:52:54,304
saying, "Oh, hell yeah.
1043
00:52:54,838 --> 00:52:56,173
This is my hat.
1044
00:52:56,774 --> 00:52:58,442
I fucking love this hat."
1045
00:52:58,509 --> 00:53:02,246
It's good and important that you have
someone you love there at that moment...
1046
00:53:03,647 --> 00:53:06,450
to helpfully say, "Don't buy a hat."
1047
00:53:08,719 --> 00:53:10,263
It's not gonna stop you, though.
'Cause you're gonna be like:
1048
00:53:10,287 --> 00:53:12,222
"Oh, no, baby. This is my hat.
1049
00:53:12,289 --> 00:53:14,525
Come on, are you crazy?
Look at this fucking hat."
1050
00:53:14,758 --> 00:53:17,895
And then she'll say, "All right.
Do what you want. Do what you want."
1051
00:53:19,329 --> 00:53:21,231
And you buy that hat. You buy that hat.
1052
00:53:21,298 --> 00:53:23,534
And the confidence you had
in front of that mirror
1053
00:53:24,201 --> 00:53:25,636
doesn't even last four blocks...
1054
00:53:25,969 --> 00:53:27,471
[audience laughing]
1055
00:53:27,971 --> 00:53:29,706
out of the store. You walk out like:
1056
00:53:29,773 --> 00:53:30,950
"Why's everyone looking at my hat?
Is it too big?
1057
00:53:30,974 --> 00:53:33,877
Am I not a big enough man
to wear this hat? Did I just fuck up?
1058
00:53:33,944 --> 00:53:36,380
Was she right? Is this a shitty hat?
Am I a shitty person?
1059
00:53:36,447 --> 00:53:37,514
Why'd I buy this hat?"
1060
00:53:40,250 --> 00:53:42,920
But now you're in. You've bought the hat
and you've gotta go home.
1061
00:53:43,587 --> 00:53:45,556
You're gonna have to make
some decisions...
1062
00:53:46,757 --> 00:53:47,757
around that hat.
1063
00:53:48,425 --> 00:53:50,785
Usually the first one is something
along the lines of, like:
1064
00:53:51,361 --> 00:53:54,231
"Hey, you know, I think I'm just
gonna make this a house hat.
1065
00:53:54,298 --> 00:53:55,666
[audience laughing]
1066
00:53:56,300 --> 00:53:59,770
I'm just gonna wear it around the house.
Maybe outside, if I go outside.
1067
00:54:00,437 --> 00:54:02,973
But you know, baby, it's too nice.
I don't wanna lose it.
1068
00:54:03,740 --> 00:54:04,908
Or, you know, scuff it up.
1069
00:54:04,975 --> 00:54:07,744
I'm just gonna wear it around the house."
And she's like: "Uh-huh."
1070
00:54:09,279 --> 00:54:11,248
"That's what I'm gonna do with the hat."
1071
00:54:11,315 --> 00:54:13,484
And you do it.
You eat breakfast in the hat.
1072
00:54:15,352 --> 00:54:18,422
You sit on the couch, listen to records,
wearing your big dumb hat.
1073
00:54:19,623 --> 00:54:21,758
Maybe you put it on naked
to get her to like it.
1074
00:54:21,825 --> 00:54:22,860
Like, "What about now?"
1075
00:54:26,563 --> 00:54:30,334
And she's like, "No, no. Take it off.
It's stupid. Dumb decision."
1076
00:54:31,735 --> 00:54:33,670
Eventually, it starts working your brain.
1077
00:54:33,737 --> 00:54:35,472
You're like, "Why'd I get this hat?"
1078
00:54:36,507 --> 00:54:38,275
That's the day it becomes a wall hat.
1079
00:54:38,342 --> 00:54:40,502
You're like,
"I don't wanna throw it out. It's so nice.
1080
00:54:40,544 --> 00:54:42,312
I'm gonna hang it up like a picture."
1081
00:54:42,412 --> 00:54:45,682
And you put a nail in the wall,
and you hang up your stupid nice hat.
1082
00:54:46,650 --> 00:54:48,352
With the other artwork on the wall.
1083
00:54:49,820 --> 00:54:50,820
It's a wall hat.
1084
00:54:52,489 --> 00:54:54,367
People come over, they're like,
"That's a nice hat. You wear that?"
1085
00:54:54,391 --> 00:54:55,692
"Not anymore. It's too nice.
1086
00:54:56,059 --> 00:54:58,729
Could you not touch it, please?
Please, don't put it on.
1087
00:54:58,795 --> 00:55:01,298
Just leave it by the...
Just put it back. Thank you."
1088
00:55:03,300 --> 00:55:05,669
It stays up on the wall,
until one day you realize...
1089
00:55:05,736 --> 00:55:07,671
Maybe in the middle of a bowl of cereal...
1090
00:55:07,971 --> 00:55:10,574
You're like, "Why is that up there?
That was a mistake.
1091
00:55:11,041 --> 00:55:13,844
That was a shitty decision.
That's a little shame gallery.
1092
00:55:13,911 --> 00:55:17,681
Why do I have to be reminded
that I bought that dumb fucking hat
1093
00:55:17,748 --> 00:55:19,650
every day when I sit at this table?
1094
00:55:19,917 --> 00:55:20,917
Fuck that hat."
1095
00:55:23,353 --> 00:55:27,758
That's the day it becomes a closet hat.
That's officially closet hat day.
1096
00:55:29,493 --> 00:55:31,895
And it can stay in there
for a long time. Years, even.
1097
00:55:32,329 --> 00:55:34,289
And then one day,
you're cleaning out that closet,
1098
00:55:34,364 --> 00:55:35,999
all the hate for the hat comes back.
1099
00:55:36,466 --> 00:55:38,769
You're like, "Aw, fuck this hat.
Goddamn it.
1100
00:55:39,903 --> 00:55:41,371
I thought I got rid of this."
1101
00:55:41,538 --> 00:55:43,840
And that's the day
it becomes a Goodwill hat.
1102
00:55:45,642 --> 00:55:48,412
And three days after
it becomes a Goodwill hat,
1103
00:55:48,478 --> 00:55:50,347
a hipster guy walks into Goodwill.
1104
00:55:51,615 --> 00:55:53,817
And he sees the hat,
he's like, "Holy shit.
1105
00:55:54,017 --> 00:55:56,119
That's a nice hat. That's a $100.00 hat.
1106
00:55:56,887 --> 00:55:58,922
Six bucks? Hell yeah."
1107
00:55:59,122 --> 00:56:00,724
And he puts it on his head,
1108
00:56:00,791 --> 00:56:03,393
and it looks like they've been
together for centuries.
1109
00:56:03,460 --> 00:56:06,530
Perfect symbiosis, on a soul level.
1110
00:56:06,597 --> 00:56:07,998
Everything makes sense.
1111
00:56:08,632 --> 00:56:11,468
Two things have been brought
together to make a whole.
1112
00:56:12,703 --> 00:56:15,005
And he buys that hat,
and he leaves a happy man.
1113
00:56:15,706 --> 00:56:18,451
And then somewhere along his route,
there's an old guy across the street
1114
00:56:18,475 --> 00:56:20,944
looking at him going,
"I gotta get a fucking hat."
1115
00:56:21,011 --> 00:56:22,512
[audience laughing]
1116
00:56:23,580 --> 00:56:25,449
[audience cheering]
1117
00:56:27,618 --> 00:56:28,618
And that...
1118
00:56:29,886 --> 00:56:33,624
That is how the hat companies
stay in business.
1119
00:56:36,627 --> 00:56:38,629
Wow, I think I just wrote
a children's book.
1120
00:56:38,695 --> 00:56:39,730
[audience laughing]
1121
00:56:42,566 --> 00:56:44,468
"The Hat by Marc Maron.
1122
00:56:45,135 --> 00:56:47,871
This is my favorite book my mom got me.
1123
00:56:47,938 --> 00:56:50,907
It's about a stupid, silly, sad man
who wants a hat.
1124
00:56:52,776 --> 00:56:54,878
He's in the store,
and he wants to get a hat.
1125
00:56:54,978 --> 00:56:56,546
But she doesn't want him to.
1126
00:56:56,747 --> 00:56:58,181
She doesn't even really like him.
1127
00:57:00,450 --> 00:57:03,420
But he gets the hat anyways,
'cause this man is a stupid,
1128
00:57:03,487 --> 00:57:04,487
silly, sad man.
1129
00:57:04,788 --> 00:57:06,757
And then he leaves the store,
1130
00:57:06,823 --> 00:57:09,559
and he keeps getting smaller,
and smaller, and smaller.
1131
00:57:10,060 --> 00:57:12,562
Until it's just a hat on the ground.
1132
00:57:12,629 --> 00:57:13,864
[audience laughing]
1133
00:57:14,665 --> 00:57:17,901
And then he just shows up at home.
I don't even know how that happened.
1134
00:57:19,036 --> 00:57:20,871
He's so silly. And then he says:
1135
00:57:20,938 --> 00:57:22,906
'I'm just gonna
wear the hat in the house.'
1136
00:57:22,973 --> 00:57:24,808
Then why did you buy it, stupid?
1137
00:57:24,875 --> 00:57:25,875
[audience laughing]
1138
00:57:26,710 --> 00:57:28,745
So, he's just wearing it in the house now.
1139
00:57:28,912 --> 00:57:31,949
He wears it eating cereal.
He wears it on the couch.
1140
00:57:32,149 --> 00:57:35,052
He wears it outside.
He wears it in a tree.
1141
00:57:35,118 --> 00:57:36,118
And then...
1142
00:57:37,454 --> 00:57:38,755
Then he wears it naked.
1143
00:57:39,990 --> 00:57:41,792
He's naked in just a hat.
1144
00:57:42,926 --> 00:57:44,661
And she still doesn't like him.
1145
00:57:46,463 --> 00:57:47,898
She hates him, I think.
1146
00:57:48,999 --> 00:57:51,768
And then he decides he doesn't
like the hat anymore.
1147
00:57:51,835 --> 00:57:53,670
But he's going to hang it on the wall?
1148
00:57:53,904 --> 00:57:54,905
Like a picture?
1149
00:57:54,972 --> 00:57:56,773
He's so stupid, and sad and silly.
1150
00:57:57,841 --> 00:57:59,977
He hangs it on the wall.
His friends come over.
1151
00:58:00,043 --> 00:58:02,479
He says, 'Don't touch my hat.
Don't put it on.
1152
00:58:02,879 --> 00:58:04,715
Take the hat off.' He's getting mean,
1153
00:58:04,781 --> 00:58:05,983
the stupid, silly, sad man.
1154
00:58:06,984 --> 00:58:10,487
Then one day he's sitting at the table
looking at the hat, and he's like:
1155
00:58:10,587 --> 00:58:11,688
'I don't like that hat.'
1156
00:58:12,589 --> 00:58:13,991
And then he puts it in a closet.
1157
00:58:15,092 --> 00:58:17,070
And that's where the magic shoes are,
from the other book.
1158
00:58:17,094 --> 00:58:18,161
That's his other book.
1159
00:58:18,228 --> 00:58:19,496
[audience laughing]
1160
00:58:19,997 --> 00:58:22,499
So, it stays in the closet
for a long time,
1161
00:58:22,566 --> 00:58:24,835
'cause he gets a cat,
and then the cat gets old.
1162
00:58:25,168 --> 00:58:28,538
And then the cat goes away,
and then he gets another cat.
1163
00:58:28,772 --> 00:58:30,707
And then he decides to clean the closet.
1164
00:58:30,841 --> 00:58:32,943
And he sees the hat,
and he's mad at it again.
1165
00:58:33,243 --> 00:58:34,711
He's like, 'I hate this hat.'
1166
00:58:37,781 --> 00:58:39,750
And then he brings it to another store.
1167
00:58:40,283 --> 00:58:41,852
But it's a sad store.
1168
00:58:41,918 --> 00:58:43,120
[audience laughing]
1169
00:58:44,721 --> 00:58:46,757
All the other things in the store
are crying.
1170
00:58:47,224 --> 00:58:48,258
[audience laughing]
1171
00:58:50,694 --> 00:58:53,697
There are machines
that don't even mean anything anymore,
1172
00:58:53,764 --> 00:58:55,165
and they're crying in the store.
1173
00:58:56,633 --> 00:58:59,036
But my grandma told me
this one's a toaster oven.
1174
00:58:59,302 --> 00:59:01,071
[audience laughing]
1175
00:59:02,272 --> 00:59:03,774
Crying toaster oven.
1176
00:59:04,875 --> 00:59:06,243
The hat loses all its color.
1177
00:59:07,044 --> 00:59:08,044
It's sad.
1178
00:59:08,912 --> 00:59:11,782
But then the man
with the curly mustache comes in.
1179
00:59:14,684 --> 00:59:16,686
And he sees the hat, and he's so excited.
1180
00:59:16,753 --> 00:59:18,221
And it gets its color back.
1181
00:59:19,189 --> 00:59:21,591
And then he puts the hat on,
and they're perfect together.
1182
00:59:21,658 --> 00:59:23,326
They both turn a nice color.
1183
00:59:23,894 --> 00:59:25,228
The book has a lot of colors.
1184
00:59:25,295 --> 00:59:26,295
And then...
1185
00:59:26,930 --> 00:59:29,599
he buys it, and he leaves,
and it's sunshine out.
1186
00:59:29,666 --> 00:59:31,935
And it's so nice, and he's so happy.
1187
00:59:32,569 --> 00:59:34,938
And then there's another man
and he wants a hat.
1188
00:59:35,005 --> 00:59:37,140
And it's going to start all over
with that man.
1189
00:59:37,741 --> 00:59:41,078
And then the man with the mustache
flies away with his mustache.
1190
00:59:42,779 --> 00:59:43,880
I love this book.
1191
00:59:47,751 --> 00:59:49,719
The Hat by Marc Maron."
1192
00:59:49,786 --> 00:59:51,221
[audience cheering]
1193
00:59:56,626 --> 00:59:58,995
Okay. Let's get down to it.
1194
01:00:02,065 --> 01:00:03,867
So, what's going on with me?
1195
01:00:06,336 --> 01:00:09,306
I'm dating a painter, and it's going well.
1196
01:00:09,940 --> 01:00:11,308
[audience cheering]
1197
01:00:16,746 --> 01:00:19,382
She's, like, a real painter.
Abstract painter.
1198
01:00:19,649 --> 01:00:21,318
Big canvases. Big colorful canvases.
1199
01:00:21,384 --> 01:00:26,123
It's so nice to go out with somebody who...
I... No part of me thinks like:
1200
01:00:26,189 --> 01:00:28,058
"I could do that." Like, no part of me.
1201
01:00:28,692 --> 01:00:31,194
It's a very healthy thing
to not have that in a relationship.
1202
01:00:32,996 --> 01:00:35,356
But she does these amazing paintings,
and I'm in awe of her.
1203
01:00:35,398 --> 01:00:39,069
She's just this little, you know,
woman who, like, doesn't talk a whole lot.
1204
01:00:39,136 --> 01:00:40,904
And I don't know where it comes from.
1205
01:00:41,071 --> 01:00:43,306
Just huge, beautiful, abstract canvases.
1206
01:00:43,373 --> 01:00:46,676
I'll have a day, I'll go by her studio,
and I'll look at them like:
1207
01:00:46,743 --> 01:00:49,079
"Holy shit, where does that come from?
1208
01:00:49,779 --> 01:00:51,381
That's fucking amazing, baby."
1209
01:00:51,915 --> 01:00:53,283
She's like, "Oh, thanks, baby."
1210
01:00:53,650 --> 01:00:55,986
And then she goes,
"Well, what did you do today?
1211
01:00:56,052 --> 01:00:57,654
What'd you do today?"
I'm like...
1212
01:01:00,023 --> 01:01:01,658
[audience laughing]
1213
01:01:10,267 --> 01:01:11,935
[audience cheering]
1214
01:01:17,007 --> 01:01:20,911
It says... It says,
"We will all be immortalized as content."
1215
01:01:21,311 --> 01:01:22,746
[audience laughing]
1216
01:01:24,881 --> 01:01:26,183
It's pretty good, right?
1217
01:01:27,250 --> 01:01:28,285
I almost killed a kid.
1218
01:01:29,085 --> 01:01:30,187
[audience laughing]
1219
01:01:33,323 --> 01:01:35,825
But it's going good.
And I don't know. It's weird,
1220
01:01:35,892 --> 01:01:38,929
because, like, sometimes I don't know
the point of a relationship.
1221
01:01:38,995 --> 01:01:40,897
She knows
that I feel that way sometimes.
1222
01:01:40,964 --> 01:01:43,433
Because, look,
I'm, you know, twice divorced.
1223
01:01:44,100 --> 01:01:45,100
Got no kids.
1224
01:01:45,335 --> 01:01:47,404
I own my house.
I don't need to be married again.
1225
01:01:47,470 --> 01:01:49,148
I don't need to live with anybody.
I don't need kids.
1226
01:01:49,172 --> 01:01:51,208
I just wanna do
whatever the fuck I wanna do.
1227
01:01:51,274 --> 01:01:53,109
And that's not a great dating profile.
1228
01:01:53,476 --> 01:01:55,111
- Um...
- [audience laughing]
1229
01:01:58,782 --> 01:01:59,983
But she's hanging in there.
1230
01:02:00,483 --> 01:02:01,918
You know, we're doing okay.
1231
01:02:02,285 --> 01:02:05,088
But I don't always know
what the point of a relationship is.
1232
01:02:05,455 --> 01:02:07,390
And I ask people, like,
"What's the point?
1233
01:02:07,857 --> 01:02:09,001
What's the point of a relationship?"
1234
01:02:09,025 --> 01:02:11,328
And they say things like,
"You don't wanna be alone."
1235
01:02:11,394 --> 01:02:12,829
And I'm like, "I don't know.
1236
01:02:15,165 --> 01:02:18,034
What's so bad about being alone?
You just nap more, you know?
1237
01:02:20,036 --> 01:02:22,405
The hours between, like,
5 and 7 p.m. are rough
1238
01:02:22,472 --> 01:02:24,150
'cause that's when you're just
sitting there thinking:
1239
01:02:24,174 --> 01:02:26,176
'Other people have other people.
1240
01:02:27,510 --> 01:02:30,380
And they're probably eating dinner
together right now.'"
1241
01:02:31,414 --> 01:02:34,217
And that's when
you pull up Clomper porn, and...
1242
01:02:34,284 --> 01:02:35,752
[audience laughing]
1243
01:02:36,386 --> 01:02:37,420
jerk off and nap.
1244
01:02:39,089 --> 01:02:40,933
And then you wake up
and it's dark out. And you're like:
1245
01:02:40,957 --> 01:02:42,425
"It's like a whole different day.
1246
01:02:43,460 --> 01:02:44,861
I'm gonna play guitar."
1247
01:02:47,297 --> 01:02:49,375
And then people say,
"Well, you don't wanna get old alone."
1248
01:02:49,399 --> 01:02:51,519
[groans] And I'm like,
"You're not really selling me."
1249
01:02:52,802 --> 01:02:56,172
And then it always comes down to this one,
"But you don't wanna die alone."
1250
01:02:56,239 --> 01:02:57,307
Ooh.
1251
01:02:57,407 --> 01:03:00,910
And my first thought is always like,
"We'll get a fucking nurse." Like...
1252
01:03:02,245 --> 01:03:04,981
Seriously.
We'll get a nice Jamaican lady. I mean...
1253
01:03:05,382 --> 01:03:06,926
Who would you rather have
at your deathbed?
1254
01:03:06,950 --> 01:03:09,085
Someone who loves you just like,
"Oh, my God!
1255
01:03:10,120 --> 01:03:12,188
This is so awful. It's so sad.
1256
01:03:12,255 --> 01:03:14,958
I'm so sorry, baby.
I'm so sorry. It's so sad."
1257
01:03:15,358 --> 01:03:18,428
Or just a woman looking at you going,
[in Jamaican accent] "It's okay, baby.
1258
01:03:18,495 --> 01:03:19,829
[audience laughing]
1259
01:03:21,464 --> 01:03:23,133
It's okay.
1260
01:03:25,835 --> 01:03:27,570
Let go, baby.
1261
01:03:28,271 --> 01:03:29,472
Let go."
1262
01:03:32,442 --> 01:03:34,277
[audience cheering]
1263
01:03:43,119 --> 01:03:44,830
[in normal voice]
See, I could've ended there, right?
1264
01:03:44,854 --> 01:03:46,122
That felt like a good ending.
1265
01:03:47,223 --> 01:03:49,592
Applause. I could've gotten right up,
bowed, waved.
1266
01:03:49,859 --> 01:03:52,395
"Thank you." But no,
I'm still sitting here like an idiot.
1267
01:03:52,462 --> 01:03:53,530
[audience laughing]
1268
01:03:54,964 --> 01:03:57,934
Because I think it's cynical.
I think it's a little cynical.
1269
01:03:58,001 --> 01:04:00,212
And I've gotta live with this thing
for the rest of my life.
1270
01:04:00,236 --> 01:04:01,538
Whatever I do on this thing.
1271
01:04:02,939 --> 01:04:04,974
And I don't wanna leave it that cynical.
1272
01:04:06,376 --> 01:04:07,444
I got a kitten.
1273
01:04:08,411 --> 01:04:09,946
[audience cheering]
1274
01:04:13,116 --> 01:04:14,384
And I say kitten like that.
1275
01:04:14,451 --> 01:04:18,021
I don't know when I decided to do that,
but I'm committed. I say "kitten."
1276
01:04:18,888 --> 01:04:21,191
I don't know why, but I choose to do it.
1277
01:04:22,092 --> 01:04:23,092
So, I got a kitten.
1278
01:04:23,560 --> 01:04:25,595
I did not want the kitten.
I did not want it.
1279
01:04:26,629 --> 01:04:30,100
And neither did my two older retired cats.
They did not want the kitten.
1280
01:04:31,901 --> 01:04:35,138
We were fine, the three of us.
Just hanging out comfortably.
1281
01:04:35,205 --> 01:04:38,274
Monkey on the chair laying there,
Lafonda laying over here.
1282
01:04:38,508 --> 01:04:41,077
Me sitting there just looking at them
like, "Everything good?"
1283
01:04:41,144 --> 01:04:42,579
They're like, "Yeah, we're good."
1284
01:04:44,280 --> 01:04:46,616
"You want to play?"
"Nope. That shit's behind us.
1285
01:04:46,883 --> 01:04:48,051
[audience laughing]
1286
01:04:52,155 --> 01:04:54,924
Don't even think about picking up
that laser pointer.
1287
01:04:56,559 --> 01:04:59,129
Don't make us chase a lie for 15 minutes.
1288
01:05:00,330 --> 01:05:02,399
We're onto the red dot, man.
1289
01:05:02,465 --> 01:05:03,465
We're onto it."
1290
01:05:04,901 --> 01:05:07,303
They didn't want a kitten.
They did not want a kitten.
1291
01:05:08,538 --> 01:05:10,473
But I came home one night after working.
1292
01:05:11,107 --> 01:05:13,347
Doing comedy. I lock up the house,
I turn out the lights,
1293
01:05:13,376 --> 01:05:15,621
I'm about to go to bed.
And out on the front porch I hear:
1294
01:05:15,645 --> 01:05:16,679
[meowing]
1295
01:05:19,015 --> 01:05:20,016
And I'm like, "What?"
1296
01:05:20,917 --> 01:05:24,387
And I go pull the curtain back,
and there's this little two-month-old
1297
01:05:24,454 --> 01:05:25,688
black kitten sitting there.
1298
01:05:26,656 --> 01:05:28,024
Aw...
1299
01:05:29,559 --> 01:05:31,027
That's the proper response.
1300
01:05:32,362 --> 01:05:33,997
That is not the response I had.
1301
01:05:35,432 --> 01:05:37,400
My response was, "Oh, fuck.
1302
01:05:37,467 --> 01:05:38,701
[audience laughing]
1303
01:05:42,505 --> 01:05:44,507
Now I gotta fucking love you now?"
1304
01:05:48,378 --> 01:05:50,713
And oddly,
that's how all my relationships start.
1305
01:05:50,980 --> 01:05:51,980
[audience laughing]
1306
01:05:52,515 --> 01:05:53,716
[audience cheering]
1307
01:05:59,189 --> 01:06:02,158
But I don't... Why my house?
Why my house? Why?
1308
01:06:02,492 --> 01:06:05,428
I live way out east in L.A. County.
I'm up in the hills.
1309
01:06:05,495 --> 01:06:08,398
There's coyotes, there's skunks,
raccoons, possums, cars.
1310
01:06:08,465 --> 01:06:11,468
I saw no pregnant cats.
I saw no other kittens.
1311
01:06:11,534 --> 01:06:14,103
I don't know where it came from.
Why my house?
1312
01:06:14,971 --> 01:06:17,474
And when I'm confounded, I'll go mystical.
1313
01:06:18,475 --> 01:06:19,475
So...
1314
01:06:22,278 --> 01:06:25,315
It went from,
"Why my house?" to, "Who is that?"
1315
01:06:27,750 --> 01:06:30,553
Which one of my dead friends
that I didn't have closure with
1316
01:06:30,620 --> 01:06:32,288
has come back in this form...
1317
01:06:34,624 --> 01:06:36,092
to make things right?
1318
01:06:37,460 --> 01:06:41,164
And that is one thing that that kitten
did not anticipate,
1319
01:06:41,998 --> 01:06:44,067
was being brought into
a human man's house,
1320
01:06:44,300 --> 01:06:46,769
be held tightly, and have
the human man say:
1321
01:06:47,036 --> 01:06:48,037
"Who are you?
1322
01:06:49,472 --> 01:06:50,472
Who are you?
1323
01:06:51,474 --> 01:06:52,609
Who are you?"
1324
01:06:55,445 --> 01:06:58,047
I got no answer. 'Cause it's a cat.
1325
01:07:00,183 --> 01:07:02,151
But he fucked up my couch inside a week.
1326
01:07:02,218 --> 01:07:04,587
Destroyed an arm of the couch
inside a week.
1327
01:07:04,654 --> 01:07:06,389
So, I'm pretty sure it's Dave.
1328
01:07:06,456 --> 01:07:08,191
[audience laughing]
1329
01:07:10,159 --> 01:07:13,196
Dave died many years ago.
There was some undone shit between us.
1330
01:07:13,263 --> 01:07:15,107
And I didn't think I'd see him again,
'cause he was dead.
1331
01:07:15,131 --> 01:07:19,269
But now he's living with me in the form
of a black kitten I call Buster.
1332
01:07:19,536 --> 01:07:22,572
It's nice to be hanging out
with Dave again, you know what I mean?
1333
01:07:22,639 --> 01:07:24,240
We went to high school together,
1334
01:07:24,807 --> 01:07:27,110
and we kind of reminisce
about high school.
1335
01:07:27,176 --> 01:07:29,546
It's mostly me talking, you know?
1336
01:07:30,213 --> 01:07:32,515
And he just plays with a fake mouse.
And...
1337
01:07:33,616 --> 01:07:36,286
I'm like, "Remember that time
we got drunk and saw Van Halen?"
1338
01:07:36,352 --> 01:07:37,353
He's like:
1339
01:07:37,420 --> 01:07:39,088
[audience laughing]
1340
01:07:40,390 --> 01:07:43,126
I'm like, "I knew you did, man.
That was a good time."
1341
01:07:47,330 --> 01:07:50,066
Old cats, not happy.
Monkey, not happy.
1342
01:07:50,833 --> 01:07:53,403
Kitten's pouncing on him constantly.
Pouncing on him.
1343
01:07:53,736 --> 01:07:57,206
So, every time I look at Monkey,
he's like, "Why? Why? Goddamn it.
1344
01:07:58,508 --> 01:08:00,510
Why, Marc? I don't get it... Goddamn it.
1345
01:08:05,081 --> 01:08:06,282
I didn't need this shit.
1346
01:08:07,183 --> 01:08:08,851
I don't know how much time I have left."
1347
01:08:09,118 --> 01:08:10,420
[audience laughing]
1348
01:08:12,088 --> 01:08:13,089
Thank you very much.
1349
01:08:13,156 --> 01:08:14,457
[audience cheering]
1350
01:08:15,658 --> 01:08:16,658
Thank you.
1351
01:08:25,201 --> 01:08:26,703
Thank you so much. I appreciate it.
1352
01:08:29,806 --> 01:08:32,208
Great crowd. Real honor. I love you guys.
1353
01:08:32,275 --> 01:08:33,275
Thank you very much.
1354
01:08:35,545 --> 01:08:36,746
[♪♪♪]
1355
01:09:45,448 --> 01:09:46,916
[Marc] All right, that's good.
109921
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