All language subtitles for The.Adventures.of.Ozzie.and.Harriet.S12E15.The.Swami.1080p.WEB-DL.AMZN.H.264.DDP.2.0_track3_[eng]

- "The Adventures of Ozzie
and Harriet," starring

the entire Nelson family.

Here's Ozzie.

Here's Harriet.

Here's David.

And here's Rick.

Here they are, America's
favorite family, the Nelsons.

- OK, quiet now.

Quiet, folks, quiet.

Let the swami concentrate.

What do you see, swami?

- I see a puff of smoke.

[laughter] Now a gray mist
appears like an apparition

against the cloudy sky.

- What is it?

- Smog, what else?

- Wally.

- Oh, sorry, Rick-- uh, swami.

- Well, what else do you see?

- Quiet, folks, let
the swami concentrate.

- The clouds are clearing away.

I see a beautiful girl.

She has a lovely smile.

And she's with Kent.

- Well, naturally.

He's my date.

- They're standing
out on the balcony.

And he's kissing her.

- That's not true.

- It is.

I see it very clearly.

She's wearing a pink dress.

- This dress is beige.

- She has blue eyes.

- My eyes are brown.

- And she has red hair.

- And my hair is brown.

Hey, wait a second,
who's kissing

my date on that balcony?

- Here I am.

He's only kidding.

- Yeah, either that or
you got back awfully fast.

[applause] I'll get you.

- Let's have a little
respect for the swami.

OK, who's next?

Now, we just have
time for one more.

- How about Jackie?

- All right,
Jackie, you're next.

[applause]

- All right, now, quiet, folks.

Let the swami concentrate.

He knows all, sees all.

He can look in the
crystal ball and tell you

your innermost secrets.

- I think maybe I better pass.

- Too late, you are already
under the spell of the swami.

- The clouds are clearing away.

It's Friday night and
you're at the movies.

And you're sitting
in the balcony.

- Oh, did you hear that, folks?

- What else, swami?

- I see a handsome young
man sitting next to you.

- That's right, and
we're eating popcorn.

It's my brother.

- A likely story.

- Oh, it's all a
big fake, everybody.

This isn't a swami at
all, it's Rick Nelson.

- Who told you that?

- I looked into
his crystal ball.

[applause]

- All right, folks, sorry, I'm
afraid that's all for tonight.

The swami is very tired.

Well, all right, just one more.

- Me?

- All right, Kathy, come on.

[applause] Sit right down,
let the swami concentrate.

Now, look into your crystal
ball and tell us what you see.

- It's summertime.

- Yes, sir?
- Lieutenant Jones, bunco squad.

- Oh, yes, sir?

- Oh, we've had a
report that there's

a man here posing as a swami or
a fortune teller or something.

- Oh, no sir, somebody
must be kidding you.

- Who's that in there?

Looks like a swami to me?

- Well, that's just one of
our fraternity brothers.

- I'd like to have a word
with him, if you don't mind.

- The same man is
talking to you,

and he's giving you something.

It's a big, beautiful
diamond engagement ring.

Oh, no.

It's not exactly
an engagement ring.

It looks more like
a fraternity pin.

Yes, that's it, a big, beautiful
diamond fraternity pin.

- Thank you, Kathy.

And thank you one and all
for your kind attention.

- Rick, there's a detective
here from the bunco squad.

- What?

- Now, just relax, everybody,
I'll be as brief as possible.

I'm Lieutenant Jones
of the bunco squad.

I understand you've been
telling fortunes here.

- Oh, no, sir.

He wasn't really
telling fortunes.

He was just making
this stuff up.

He's a fake.
- Thanks a lot.

- Well, I'm sorry you both
have to come downtown with me.

- No, wait.
This was just a gag.

I mean we weren't charging
money or anything.

- Do you have a swami's license?

- Well, no, sir.

I went over to get one,
but the office was closed.

And while we're
asking questions,

how come you're wearing
one of my neckties, David?

- I thought the voice
sounded familiar.

- I hate to quit
while we're losing,

but it's getting pretty late.

- How much do you owe us?

- $6,450.

- OK, pay up.

- What do you mean, pay up?

You still owe us
$12,000 from last week.

- Hi, Rick.
- Hi, Rick.

- Hi.

- What are you doing
over here so soon?

I thought you were
being a swami.

- Well, I was, but they're
having some refreshments

and doing some more dances,
so I thought I'd get on home.

I brought the pillow back.

- Oh, just put it
over there, dear.

I'll take it upstairs later.

- You were a swami?

- Yeah, you know, it was
just a gag at the fraternity.

- How'd it go over?

- Oh, pretty good, especially
when a detective from the bunco

squad showed up.
- A detective?

Really?

- Well, no, not really.

It turned out to be David.

You should have seen him.

He had a false nose, a
mustache, and a bald head.

- What did he do,
place you under arrest?

- Yeah, for telling
fortunes without a license.

- Hey, that sounds
like a wonderful idea

for the women's club luncheon.

Did you have a crystal
ball and everything?

- Yeah, it really
worked out pretty good.

- Say, you might have
something there, Clara.

What are you doing
Saturday afternoon?

- You mean me?
- Well, sure.

You said it went pretty good.

- Oh, yeah, but
that was different.

I knew practically
everybody there.

- I do think the swami
idea is a good one, though.

How about you?
Maybe you could do it.

- Oh, no, not me.

- Or Joe.

You'd be wonderful, honey.

You could use your deep voice.

- Forget what I
said before, Rick.

You'll be great.

- Yeah, come on, Rick.

- Everybody'd get a
big kick out of it.

- Something tells me I'm
making a big mistake, but OK.

- Good for you.

Just for that, I'm going
to get you a great big dish

of chocolate ice cream.

You do have some out
there, don't you, Harriet?

- I sure do.

- Make that two.

- Make it three.

- Well, it looks like you
got yourself a job, Rick.

- Well, that's what I get
for opening my big mouth.

- I think it'd be a lot of fun.

- You don't think we ought to
tell the other girls, do you?

I mean about Rick
being the swami?

- Oh, gosh no.

I think it'd be much more
fun if we kept it a secret.

- So do I. They'll never guess.

- Say, remind me
to tell Rick what

Mrs. Peabody's real age is.

And what color Mrs.
Finley's hair is.

She thinks only she and
her hairdresser know.

- Oh, boy, you're going to
get him into trouble for sure.

- Oh, don't be silly.

That's the fun of it.

Besides, nobody
will know who he is.

- Every time I
hear about a swami,

I think of an old movie
Ozzie and I saw years ago.

- About a swami?

- Well, no.

He was a society fortune teller.

And one night, his wife decided
to play this little trick

on him.

So she put this heavy veil
on to disguise herself

and went over to have
her fortune told.

- Oh, that sounds wonderful.

Then what happened?

- Well, she told him
this long sob story

about how her husband
didn't understand her,

and she wondered
what it would be

like to be kissed
by another man.

- Boy, that really
put him on a spot.

- Yeah, but the worst
part of it is I never

can remember how it ended.

- Oh, Harriet.

- It's too bad Ozzie isn't
going to be the swami.

It'd be a funny
trick to play on him.

- Boy, would I like to get
Joe on a spot like that.

- Look, Rick, if you do
any looking in the crystal

ball for Clara, for gosh sakes,
don't say anything expensive.

- Just remember that the
young girls like to be older,

and the old girls
like to be younger.

- The more I think
about it, the more I

wish I hadn't agreed to do it.

- Oh, you'll be fine.

- Why don't you do it, Pop?

- Yeah, why don't you do it, Oz?

- Oh, Rick can handle it.

Just tell them the
same sort of stuff

you told the girls tonight.

- You mean that
Miss Van Skyler is

going to get pinned by the
captain of the football

team, stuff like that?

- Of course, you have to
change it around a little bit

to suit the different age group.
- That's what I mean, Pop.

Why don't you do it?

- Yeah, why don't you, Oz?

- Oh, in the first place, I
know all these girls so well,

and they know me.

- Hey, that's it.

Don't tell anybody it's you.

Heck, if you don't
want to do it, I will.

I'm funnier than you are anyway.

- I haven't turned it down yet.

- I think I'll wear a beard
and big, black, bushy eyebrows.

You're not playing
the part, I am.

- Oh, thanks a lot, Pop.

- Yeah, congratulations, Pop.

- We don't say a word about
this to anybody, not even Clara.

- What about Mom?

- Especially not your mother.

I want to have a
little fun with her.

- If your act that doesn't
come off, you can blame Rick.

- That's a thought.
Be careful what you say, Pop.

- Hey, here's another idea.

Why don't I be your assistant?

- Please, Joe.

I'm sure I can
handle this myself.

- I'll bring the
costume over tomorrow.

- OK.

- What's this about a costume?

- Oh, nothing,
nothing at all, dear.

- What do you mean
nothing at all?

- We were just talking
about the costume

Rick was wearing tonight.

- Why does he have to
bring it over here?

- Well, oh, Harriet, this
ice cream is delicious.

- Well, it's the same
kind we always had.

- Really?

- It's the best chocolate
I've ever tasted.

- Oh, yeah, just great.

- I gave you strawberry.

- That's what I said.

It's the best strawberry
I ever tasted.

- Ozzie?

- Yeah.

- Why is Ricky bringing the
swami costume over here?

- What are you talking about?

- You know what
I'm talking about.

You guys are trying
to cover something up,

and I know darn well
it has something

to do with the swami outfit.

- That's ridiculous.

- Wait a second.

I just guessed it.

Joe is going to be the
swami instead of Rick.

- That's right.

You're just too smart for me.

- No, no, not so fast.

You're a little too agreeable.

- Then that means you're
going to be the swami.

- Well, now you've
really guessed it.

- I have not.

Now, come on, tell me the truth.

I won't go sleep till you tell
me, and I'll keep you awake,

too.

- I just told you.

Rick and I have changed places.

I'm going to be the swami.

- No kidding?

That'll be fun.

- Now look, don't tell anybody.

I want to keep it a secret.

- Oh, don't worry about me.

I keep a secret
better than you can.

- Well, I--

- What you say, dear?

- Hi, Mr. Randolph.
- Hey, Dave.

- Come on in.
- Oh, thanks.

- I talked to June on the
phone a little while ago.

- Yeah, she told me.
What's this all about?

- Well, your dad's going to be
the swami at the Women's Club

luncheon.
- No kidding.

How about that?
Don't tell anybody about it.

- No, I won't.

This isn't a swami
outfit, you know.

- Oh, yeah, I know.

I thought I'd pull the
same trick on him that you

pulled on Rick the other night.

- Oh, that ought
to be pretty funny.

- I'll bust in there with
this badge and these handcuffs

and I'll really throw
a scare into him.

Say, maybe you better show
me how you put this stuff on.

- Oh, sure.

This thing goes on
just like a hat.

- Oh, yeah.

- Hello?

- Hi, Harriet, it's me.

- Oh, Hi, Clara.

I just wanted to tell you you
don't have to stop by for me.

- Well, how are you
going to get over there?

- Well, you'll
never believe this,

but Joe's going
to drive me over.

Well, don't you think
that's kind of strange?

- No, not especially.

He's dropped you off at the
Women's Club before, hasn't he?

- Well, yes, but he's never
canceled a golf game to do it.

I tell you, there's
something funny going on.

- Well, I wouldn't
worry about it.

- I'm not worried about it.

I'm just trying
to figure it out.

- Well, I'll tell you what.

When you get over there,
you can ask the swami.

- Thanks a lot.

You're a big help.

- I'll see you later.

- Harriet?

- Yeah?

- Rick didn't stop
by yet, did he?

No, not that I know of.

- Oh, he's supposed to
bring the costume over here.

- Oh, by the way, I
think Clara has a hunch

you're going to be the swami.

- Oh, Joe didn't
tell her, did he?

- No, I don't think so.
- Oh, I hope not.

It will spoil the fun if
they all know it's me.

- Oh, I'm sure they don't.

I have an idea
you're going to have

a very interesting afternoon.

- I hope so.

I better call Rick or
I'll never make it.

Oh, hi, Rick.
- Hi, Pop.

- I was just going to phone you.
- I'm sorry I'm late.

I've got about everything here.
- Oh, good.

- Everything except the pillow,
that's up in Mom's bedroom.

- What pillow is that?

- For the crystal ball.

- Oh, yeah.

- See, here's the turban.

- This is great.

I'm definitely the type
for something like this.

I'll get the pillow.

- Hey, Rick.

Your mother's up in the bedroom.

They're trying on veils.

- Veils?

Is she going to do a dance?

If she is, I hope she's
got seven of them.

- She's trying on hats
with veils on them.

- I don't get it.

- Well, I think I do.

She's figuring on pulling a
fast one on me this afternoon.

- What do you mean?

- Well, see, years
ago, your mother and I

saw this movie where a
fortune teller's wife

came into his tent disguised
as a mysterious stranger

with romantic intentions.

And she made a big play for
him to test his reaction.

- It sounds like a
pretty funny gag.

- Well, yeah, and if your
mother tries it on me,

I'll make it even funnier.

- Don't make it too funny.
- Oh, don't worry.

I'll play it just right.

- Well, have fun, Pop.

- OK, and thanks
again for the costume.

Welcome, my dear.

So your husband is out of town.

Come into my tent.

- Uh, Pop--

- Don't worry, I'll
be better than that.

- Attention,
attention, everybody.

Ladies-- [chatter]

[gong rings]

Thank you.

We have a special treat
for this afternoon.

Direct from the mysterious
and exotic East,

we bring you that
illustrious clairvoyant,

that internationally famous
swami, Ali Van Hakim Hamad.

[applause]

- Greetings, ladies.

This afternoon, we bring
you some of ze mystery

of ze romantic far east.

Ze crystal ball sees
all and knows all.

If any of you ladies dares
to look into ze future,

come with me into my tent.

And we will gaze
into ze crystal ball

and see what the future
holds in store for you.

[chatter]

Which one of you lovely
ladies would like to be first?

[chatter]

- Mrs.-- Mrs. Appleby.

- Oh, well, I'm not Mrs.
I'm Miss Van Der Pyle.

- But the crystal ball
looks into the future.

- Oh, oh, well--

You know, I used to go to
school with a boy named Appleby.

- Oh, really?

- Yes.

I wonder whatever
happened to him.

- My dear--

- Thank you.

[applause]

- Isn't he wonderful?

He seems so mysterious.

- Yes, he does.

- What do you think?

Shall we have him tell our
fortunes, just for fun?

- Well, why don't you go ahead.

I have something else
I have to do first.

It's kind of a surprise.

- Well, OK.

Oh, this is so exciting.

- The clouds are clearing away.

I see a vision.

It's something you've been
looking forward to, hoping for.

- A trip?

A vacation trip?

- That's right, it's a trip.

You're going on a long trip.

You're going to have
a wonderful time.

- Oh, how exciting.

- It's a cruise ship, a
marvelous vacation cruiser.

- You are on it.

And it's on its way to--

- Hawaii?

- That's right, to Hawaii.

- Oh, good.

I've always wanted to go there.

- Yes, ze hula
girls are dancing.

[SINGING] Hum bum bum bum bum
bum on the beach at Waikiki...

- Wonderful.

I'm going to tell my husband
to come in and talk to you.

He says we can't afford it.

- Oh, I'm sure it will
all work out beautifully.

Don't be impatient, my dear.

It may take a little while.

- But how long?

I mean, when are we leaving?

- I'm sorry, I seem
to have lost ze image.

- Oh.

- Peace be with you, my dear.

Salaam.

- Oh, he was just marvelous.

[chatter]

- Salaam.

Won't you sit down, my dear?

I see that you are
wearing a veil.

But let me assure
you that everything

that transpires between us will
be completely confidential.

But I feel it only fair to
warn you, veil or no veil,

the crystal ball sees
all and knows all.

Is there anything the
swami can do to help you?

[READING NOTE] "It's
about my husband.

I wonder if he really
understands me."

Ah, the answer lies
in the crystal ball.

The clouds are moving away.

It's getting
clearer and clearer.

Yes, I see.

I can see that he
doesn't give you

enough attention, although he is
a kind man and a good provider.

But the crystal ball tells
me you crave more romance

in your life, the tender touch
of someone who understands.

[READING NOTE] "Where
can I find him?"

In the future, my dear,
in the very near future.

Wait, wait, I see you're in the
arms of a dark, handsome man,

a man of deep passion, a man
from the mysterious far east.

He is wearing a turban.

Tut tut tut tut, write no more.

This moment is ours.

Come, let me take
you in my arms.

- Just a moment, sir.

I command you to stop
in the name of the law.

- Detective Hawkins of
the bunco squad here.

- What's wrong, officer?

- Come with me.

You're under arrest.

Now, don't be alarmed, ladies,
this is just a routine arrest.

- Now, just a moment.

Why am I being arrested?

What am I being charged with?

Number one, you are
masquerading as a swami.

Number two, you are telling
fortunes without a license.

Three, you are a masher.

- You deny, sir, that you
are forcing your attentions

on this poor,
unsuspecting female?

- Now, just a moment, Mr.
Detective, or whoever you are.

Since when is there
a law against a man

embracing his own wife?

Clara!

- You weren't
embracing your wife,

you were embracing my wife.

- I'm not your wife,
I'm Joe's wife.

- No, no.

I'm not Joe, I'm Ozzie.

- Ozzie?

Where's Joe?

Where's my husband?

I thought he was Joe.

- For goodness sakes,
Clara, I'm your husband.

- I've never been married
to a detective in my life.

- I'm not a detective, I'm Joe.

- And what was the idea of
making advances to Clara?

- I thought she was
Harriet, didn't I?

Harriet, well I thought you
were going to put on a disguise

and play a trick on me.

- Well, I was going to,
but Clara beat me to it.

- Yes, what was the big idea?

- I thought you were the swami.

- No, I'm the detective.

I was just trying to pull
a gag on Oz, wasn't I?

- You mean you're not
really a detective?

- No, of course not.

- Oh darn it.

The Women's Club has
never been raided before.

- You mean he's
not a real swami?

- No, he's Harriet's
husband, Ozzie.

- [ALL] Aww--

- I'm sorry, ladies, I hope
you're not too disappointed.

- Oh, I don't care.

I thought you were
just wonderful.

- So did I.

[applause]

- Thank you very much, ladies.

- You know, I'm just as
glad he wasn't a real swami.

Now that I think
about it, I never

could stand that
Appleby kid, anyway.

- How about you?

Would you like to come
into ze swami's tent?

- Come on, dear.

He promised to have the
costume back by 5:30.

[applause]

[music playing]

- [SINGING] I will gather
stars out of the blue for you,

yes baby, for you.

I'll make a string of pearls out
of the blue, for you, yes baby,

for you.

Over the highway and over the
street, carpets of clover I'll

lay at your feet.

Well, there's nothing
in this world I wouldn't

do for you, yes baby, for you.

I wouldn't do,
yes baby, for you.

Oh, I wouldn't do,
yes baby, for you.

[applause]

- Tonight's "Adventures
of Ozzie and Harriet"

was brought to you
by your gas company.

- --which helps you live
modern for less with gas.

- That's what we Nelsons do.

[music playing]