All language subtitles for S12E03 - The Charity Balls

It is! It's Nora Batty.
I knew it.

I saw this vision of loveliness
pass the shop and I said to myself,

"ho ho! That is my true love,
Nora Batty."

Get off home, ye daft devil.
Shouting in the streets!

You want locking up.

Aye, in your bedroom
and throw away the key!

I'd throw away more than that.

That's the best offer
tha'll get today.

Stop making an exhibition of yourself.
It reflects on other people.

And stand properly. Chest out.
- I'm more the backside out type.

I'll second that.

I were only saying hello to Nora Batty.
- At the top of your voice.

He gets no better, does he?

Why do people say,
at the top of your voice?

They never say,
at the middle of your voice.

"Come here", he said,
at the middle of his voice.

He will get better, now
he's in capable hands.

I just wish he'd stand properly.

Somehow it offends me
deep down in queens regulations.

Why don't you press this sometime?

I would if I could get close enough
to Nora Batty.

What does he see in Nora Batty?

She terrifies me.
- Me too.

I can't serve her.
I have to fetch the wife.

I'd come to a crossroads in life.

It where eighter Nora
Batty or Joan Crawford,

and I'd never lived next door
to Joan Crawford, had I?

So, you chose a practical solution.
- I thought so.

There were also this possibility
that Nora Batty had better legs.

Better legs?!

Who knows the secrets
held beneath those wrinkles?

The wrinkles are a disguise?

There is that possibility, Norman.

You're out of your tiny mind.

There is also that possibility.

Come along, that man!.
Don't lag behind.

Listen, prunella. Tha's got legs
twice the size of a normal human.

It's not my idea of heaven
going walkies with a giraffe.

What is your idea of heaven?

It'd have to be a free house
for a start.

Get a move on!

If I move any faster,
me y-fronts will start smouldering!

I don't want to think about that.

Can you imagine what that would do
to the greenhouse effect?

What's all the gallop for, anyroad?

Where are we going?

We're not going anywhere.
It's all a question of fitness.

Oh, fitness!

I suppose you think that's funny.

I spend time and effort trying to
get you up to military standard.

I let you look at my
magnetic compass.

I don't ask for applause.

Just a little... Appreciation.

I give my time to you
on a voluntary basis.

I could be earning good money
somewhere running a karate class.

Teaching a few selected pupils
the art of silent killing.

Tha's killing me,
and I wish tha'd be silent.

You know why you didn't enjoy our
little exercise, this morning, don't you?

Aye, because I'm knackered.

Exactly, because you're not fit.

Don't underestimate being not fit.

We're not your average "not fit".

After years of practice,
we're at a peak of non-fitness.

Its not though if I'm driving you hard.

I'm making every allowance for your
civilian status. Not walking you far.

Putting you through none of the
difficult military manoeuvres.

Slope arms!
One-two-three. One-two-three-one.

Present arms!
One-two-three. One-two-three-one.

Slope arms! One-two-three-one.

Party will retire!
About turn!

One-two-three. One-two-three-one.
Quick march!

I suppose you think that is funny.

They do. They think that's funny.

Never a word of praise
for things I do superbly.

How many other people do you know
can name the parts of a bren gun?

Hey, it's Jack Harry.

He's on a trouser diet.

How come he's dressed like that?

You wouldn't think he worked
in a greengrocer's.

Would you be happy seeing him handle
your mange-tout dressed like that?

Maybe that's how they all are
in greengrocer's.

Nobody cares what goes on in the back shop,
as long as they're tidy above the counter.

It's for charity!

I think that's nice, giving
his trousers for charity.

I'm entering the sponsored dribble.

He's going to dribble his tea.
- He's going to be outclassed if you're here, isn't he?.

I'm going to dribble a football.
Meself and a partner.

We have to see how
far we can go, passing

and dribbling a ball
between us. For charity.

I just wish you could do it
wearing your trousers.

Footballers don't wear trousers.

Well, get your knees out of the way
of my other customers.

If there's anything calculated to
depress the appetite,

it's the sight
of unweathered masculine knees.

Sit thaself down, Jack Harry.
And tuck thaself away.

There's nothing the matter
with wearing shorts.

I mean, we wore shorts all the time
out east. A very sensible garment.

I bet tha looked a right tulip!

Not wearing the right accessories.

A crisply ironed shirt
and a rifle and bayonet.

Who's your partner, Jack Harry?

You don't have to go all the way
to the dribble tomorow, love.

It'll be a pleasure.

Just to see the smile
on the faces of the onlookers.

You'll be a big hit.
They'll want an encore.

You're just checking up on me.

But I've told you, who my
partner is, its Jack Harry teesdale.

It'd better be.

You needn't think you're off dribbling
with Marina, charity or no charity.

Fancy going for a sponsored dribble!

Where do they find
all these barmpots?

It isn't very difficult
around here.

They keep putting
this stuff in the water.

They'll get in a tangle.
They won't know who's kicking whose ball.

We don't all start at once.

We can start from anywhere,
in pairs, at any time.

We can pick our own route.

Thats alright if they're gentlemen,
but suppose they cheat?

Every pair has to be under the supervision
of a responsible person.

He goes with them, and he testifies how
many miles they've actually done.

So there's two players under the
supervision of that "responsible person"?

Yes, well, that's good thinking.

Look the other way, son.

I'm not doing it.
come on, it's for charity, man.

No!

We haven't got a ball.
I always make a point of not having a ball.

Right! Well...

I think we'll start from about here.

Right, that man, over there.

You, stay where you are.

Now, when I give the signal,
you pass the ball to Clegg.

Then what?

Well, Clegg passes it back to you.

I'm going to be sick!

Right. On my signal.

Begin.

Oh, a bit harder than that.

Put some energy into it.

Get a bit of boot behind it.

Thanks.

Always a pleasure to be of service
to the sporting fraternity.

I don't know why they have a football
to collect money for charity?

We always used to use a tin.

They're all weird.
- My Barry isn't weird.

If he really isn't,
that's weird for a start.

You can rely on it,
they're weird.

It just hasn't started
to show, yet.

You just get used to that,
they start with a mid-life crisis.

You spoil your Barry.
- In what way do I spoil my Barry?

By letting him go sprawling himself
all over your best three piece suite.

I keep your father in the kitchen.
That's where they should be.

But I still put newspapers down.

Barry works in a
building society.

He doesn't come home
in a state me father does!

I still think, you're still making
a rod for your own back.

They're so untidy the way they go sprawling
themslves over three piece suites.

I wish that were all mine
wanted to sprawl over three piece suite!

How is your Howard?

You know how he is.
He's short and crafty.

Whenever you meet him
he's always polite.

They're the worst kind.

They need a clear conscience
before they feel comfartable being rude.

Have you ever threaten to leave him?

Once.
- What happened?

He broke down completely.

Started packing my suitcase!

They can't pack.
They never know how to pack a suitcase.

Come along. Come along.
Move it. Move it!

Here!

I get sick.

Some people get bright rosy cheeks,
but me, I get sick.

Where's the other one?
We're one short, where's the other one?

Are you sure
these are proper football shorts?

Of they course are proper football shorts.
I've had them for years.

They come above the knee.
- These come just above the ankle.

You do your damnedest to keep them free
from draughts and all they do is complain!

Jack Harry,
how did you come to be involved in this?

How do you think?

The wife! How did you?

Er... the wife.
"Do something for charity" she said.

Mine thinks I need the exercise.

Pearl thinks
I get enough exercise.

yes. Right, well, this'll do.

And this time, lets not have mishaps.
You wait for my signal.

- Like we did the last time?
That's right. Go on. Blame me.

Ah, yes.

Right. That man,
you wait here with the ball.

Couldn't we just walk along
and tap it between us?

No, no. If we're going to do this
let's do it with a bit of style.

Right. You, over here.

Right. Now, on my signal.

Begin.

Control it, man. Control it.

Good boy.

Stay there.

Stay there... get off.

Get off... Down boy!

Cost me �5.99, that.

But did you see how I dominated it?
It's in the eyes, you know.

That is, if you catch its attention
long enough to look it sraight in the eyes.

All in thy eyes was panic.

Go on, then. I give up.
Who are you supposed to be?

Look, less of this
jaw, eh. Pull us three

pints and three large
whiskies to go wi' em.

One thing I can't do,
is dribble on an empty stomach.

Can you afford three whiskies?

No, but you can.

You're the responsible person.
We all heard thee say it.

I think he'd rather be bitten by a terrier!

Are you sure you want to go?

It's not a question
of wanting to go.

Its just I don't like leave
him out of sight too long.

I like him to think he's always under surveillance.
- Very wise.

It might be very wise if we were walking.
I'm not sure its very wise being driven!

Do you want me to drive, mother?

No, I don't want you to drive.

Your father thinks I
don't get enough practice.

It does that.
I've noticed before, it does that.

Put your clutch in.
It's that pedal, there.

I know which pedal it is.

That's the brake.

Your father's must have
been moving them again.

I wish he'd leave things alone.

I'm not usually nervous as a passenger.

Except once, during the war,
when I accepted a lift from a serviceman.

I think, mayby, this is going to be twice.

Oh!...it's my ankle.

Oh, it's agony.

It's no good!
I think I've twisted my ankle.

It looks to me
like a twisted ankle.

I'll get you back to town.
No, no!

No, I'll just limp
to that little Van over there,

and get my leg up for half an hour.

Eli, you've no need to come with us all the way.
- Oh, I don't mind. It's for charity.

Come here. Come here.

You know, I think that dog
is getting bigger.

It's only a Jack Russell!

Well, its mouth is bigger.

Don't worry,
all he's only interested in the ball.

I don't think it's not a footballer,
it's a footbiter.

Norman, will you stop worrying.
You're perfectly safe out here.

Who was that mad fool?

I'll be a witness, if they
want a description of him.

That were Nora Batty.

I were nearly run down
by Nora Batty. Lucky me!

I tell you what we'll do.
We'll apply a little tactical thinking.

We'll move off the roads.

We'll do a few
miles for charity,

but nobody said we had
to do it on the roads.

Right. Come along, you men.
Cross-country!

Injured in the name of charity.
He's so brave.

The pain's terrible,
but I'm putting a brave face on it.

You can leave him with me, now.
I'll see to him, now.

Will he be alright?

I think he'll be
more than alright.

What am I going to do without a partner?
- You'll have to dribble by yourself.

No, that's no good.

Oh well, that's it then, innit?

That's put paid
to the sponsored dribbling.

Back off home now, eh?
- Not so fast.

You don't give
in as easy as that.

It's all right by me,
if we give in as easy as that.

I'm not creeping back home
admitting defeat.

No, no. We'll find some way.

Let's look at this logically.

Who can we say was to blame?

I mean, who was it,
kicked the ball into the water?

I'm not going into 't water.

I am not going into the water!

Don't work yourself into a frenzy.
Leave it to Dewhurst.

There's no necessity for anyone
to go into the water.

That's a damned silly place
to leave your Land Rover.

Where's Howard?

He's having first aid.
- First aid?

You could call it that.

Don't worry.
He's in trained hands.

The way she was handling him,
Marina seemed very competent.

He's made a wonderful recovery!

You see, no need at all
for anyone to go into the water.

As you move out,
towards the end of the branch,

the branch will dip, towards the water.

Then you reach down and retrieve the ball.

How do I keep hold of the ball
and the bra-a-nch?

Just leave it with me.
We'll worry about that later.

Hold on tight!

I am holding on tight.

It scrapes your knees.

Stop complaining!

I solve your problems for you,
but all you can do is complain.

hey up!

What's the matter now?
Its banding! The branch is bending.

Of course it's bending.
That is the whole idea.

His idea, you'll notice, not yours.

He'll be all right.

Go along. Keep moving.

I'm going to fall!

No, you're not.
It's just imagination.

I'm pointing downhill now.

Yes, well, that's good.
Downhill is where the ball is.

Move along!
A few more inches ought to do it.

I can't!

Brandy! Come on, Brandy,
wherever you are.

Oh, stop messing about. Brandy!

Ah. Excuse me, have you seen
a little dog about here?

There's no need
to get nasty about it, anyway.

Come on. We can't be here all day.

Just another two inches.

Oh-hh-hh!

Perhaps not two inches.
Try one inch.

Well, get the ball. Get the ball!

Now throw the ball.
He's like a little child.

You have to spell it out to him...

Ha, ha. I've found her. Ha, ha, ha.