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1
00:00:33,160 --> 00:00:36,320
We used to roll
Eileen Watkins down this hill.
2
00:00:36,320 --> 00:00:38,480
You couldn't afford marbles,
3
00:00:38,480 --> 00:00:41,400
that's very sad.
4
00:00:41,400 --> 00:00:43,780
Eileen Watkins...
5
00:00:43,780 --> 00:00:49,120
what did she look like? Very dusty
and covered in bits of grass.
6
00:00:49,120 --> 00:00:51,860
I mean, before you rolled her
down the hill?
7
00:00:51,860 --> 00:00:53,660
Terrible!
8
00:00:53,660 --> 00:00:58,580
I mean, it wasn't as though
we was particular when we was lads.
9
00:00:58,580 --> 00:01:00,360
But, cor, she had a face that...
10
00:01:00,360 --> 00:01:03,420
Well, it just, sort of,
went with rolling downhill.
11
00:01:04,620 --> 00:01:07,900
They've practically died out,
these old customs.
12
00:01:07,900 --> 00:01:11,220
I mean, who goes Eileen Watkins
rolling these days?
13
00:01:11,220 --> 00:01:17,160
Of course, I didn't move in the same
intellectual circles
as you and Chunky Rumbelow,
14
00:01:17,160 --> 00:01:19,440
so I don't remember Eileen Watkins.
15
00:01:19,440 --> 00:01:22,900
You must remember Eileen Watkins!
16
00:01:22,900 --> 00:01:25,400
She looked like King Farouk.
17
00:01:25,400 --> 00:01:30,620
I don't suppose that King Farouk
could really have been
Eileen Watkins all the time?
18
00:01:30,620 --> 00:01:33,120
Eileen Watkins
went to live at Mablethorpe.
19
00:01:33,120 --> 00:01:36,560
I'm not surprised if you kept
rolling her down hills.
20
00:01:36,560 --> 00:01:40,100
It wasn't me so much,
it were Chunky.
21
00:01:40,100 --> 00:01:42,780
She were in love
with Chunky Rumbelow.
22
00:01:42,780 --> 00:01:45,680
My God, that was made
in heaven, wasn't it?
23
00:01:45,680 --> 00:01:47,560
Did he ever learn to speak?
24
00:01:47,560 --> 00:01:49,340
Chunky could speak.
25
00:01:49,340 --> 00:01:52,220
Of course,
I only met him a few times.
26
00:01:52,220 --> 00:01:56,100
He spent the best part of an
afternoon once kneeling on my chest,
27
00:01:56,100 --> 00:01:59,260
stuffing sheep droppings
up my nostrils.
28
00:01:59,260 --> 00:02:01,360
Hey, Hey!
29
00:02:01,360 --> 00:02:03,700
That sounds like old Chunky.
30
00:02:03,700 --> 00:02:06,500
He had hundreds of uses
for sheep droppings.
31
00:02:06,500 --> 00:02:09,860
The funny thing was,
I never had a cold all that winter.
32
00:02:09,860 --> 00:02:13,840
COMPO SIGHS
They were good days.
33
00:02:13,840 --> 00:02:16,060
Oh, delicious(!)
34
00:02:16,060 --> 00:02:19,260
You don't get scabs on your knees
like you used to.
35
00:02:20,860 --> 00:02:24,540
That playground was hard,
and the flesh of 1930
36
00:02:24,540 --> 00:02:29,640
was softer than many pictures
of the period would have us believe.
37
00:02:29,640 --> 00:02:31,720
The school uniform, I remember,
38
00:02:31,720 --> 00:02:35,040
was short trousers
and the school scab on your knee.
39
00:02:35,040 --> 00:02:37,480
I sometimes think
we'd have been a lot taller
40
00:02:37,480 --> 00:02:40,380
if they hadn't worn so much
of us out on that playground.
41
00:02:42,160 --> 00:02:45,240
COMPO YAWNS
42
00:02:46,740 --> 00:02:47,900
I'm glad you yawned,
43
00:02:47,900 --> 00:02:50,820
it reminded me I must remember
to put my dustbin out.
44
00:02:51,880 --> 00:02:54,320
Do you know what I'd like to do?
45
00:02:54,320 --> 00:02:57,240
What I'd really like to do...
46
00:02:57,240 --> 00:03:00,520
is to jump out of an aeroplane.
47
00:03:00,520 --> 00:03:02,760
Well, don't let us stop you.
48
00:03:02,760 --> 00:03:04,820
With a parachute!
49
00:03:04,820 --> 00:03:06,960
Oh, that's right, go on, spoil it.
50
00:03:06,960 --> 00:03:09,140
I've never been up in an aeroplane.
51
00:03:09,140 --> 00:03:11,840
Well it's no good waiting
for one up there, you know.
52
00:03:11,840 --> 00:03:15,060
They don't stop when you put
your hand out, like a bus.
53
00:03:15,060 --> 00:03:17,700
What do clouds remind you of?
54
00:03:19,300 --> 00:03:22,520
A cup of tea and a meat pie
at Sid's caff.
55
00:03:22,520 --> 00:03:24,820
Yeah, me too.
56
00:03:26,740 --> 00:03:29,180
I'd like to try hang-gliding.
57
00:03:29,180 --> 00:03:32,440
By the neck, I trust.
58
00:03:32,440 --> 00:03:34,660
Chocks away!
59
00:03:36,740 --> 00:03:40,200
Look, it must be Eileen Watkins.
60
00:03:40,200 --> 00:03:42,900
THEY CHUCKLE
61
00:03:52,960 --> 00:03:55,360
Are you sure
you can mend a microwave?
62
00:03:55,360 --> 00:03:58,820
Listen, while these engineers are
charging all that much for a visit,
63
00:03:58,820 --> 00:04:00,240
I can mend your microwave.
64
00:04:00,240 --> 00:04:02,940
Oh, well, if you say so.
65
00:04:06,400 --> 00:04:08,840
Do you know what's worrying me?
66
00:04:08,840 --> 00:04:11,740
No, but I bet I'm going to find out.
67
00:04:11,740 --> 00:04:17,020
It's your expression, it's not
the expression of a man who knows
what he's doing with a microwave.
68
00:04:17,020 --> 00:04:20,040
You've got that stubborn,
but basically baffled look
69
00:04:20,040 --> 00:04:22,900
I remember so well from the day
you made such a pig's ear
70
00:04:22,900 --> 00:04:24,220
of my new washing machine.
71
00:04:26,560 --> 00:04:29,000
How do, Sid?
Oh, about the same, Wally.
72
00:04:29,000 --> 00:04:30,820
You could hold the door,
73
00:04:30,820 --> 00:04:33,720
it's customary for a man
to hold the door.
74
00:04:33,720 --> 00:04:35,760
That'll be the day around here.
75
00:04:35,760 --> 00:04:40,600
I know, but what can you do
except giving them a reminder?
76
00:04:40,600 --> 00:04:42,400
Go steady! Steady?
77
00:04:42,400 --> 00:04:45,180
I married you, didn't I?
How steady can you get?
78
00:04:45,180 --> 00:04:47,660
I can hardly be accused
of being reckless.
79
00:04:47,660 --> 00:04:50,760
Well, find us a table.
80
00:04:50,760 --> 00:04:56,920
Find you one, the place is full
of them, you can't miss them.
81
00:04:56,920 --> 00:05:00,180
Escort me to a table.
82
00:05:00,180 --> 00:05:01,720
How about this one?
83
00:05:01,720 --> 00:05:03,300
It's too near the door.
84
00:05:06,560 --> 00:05:09,760
Well, give us a clue, then.
Give us a clue!
85
00:05:09,760 --> 00:05:13,840
Don't leave everything to me,
you're supposed to be taking me out.
86
00:05:13,840 --> 00:05:18,760
You should look around the room,
select the best table
and escort me to a chair.
87
00:05:18,760 --> 00:05:20,740
Ahem.
88
00:05:28,580 --> 00:05:31,800
He's taking you out, is he?
Your birthday, is it, love?
89
00:05:31,800 --> 00:05:34,120
No, it's no special occasion,
90
00:05:34,120 --> 00:05:37,460
I'm just determined he's going
to take me out more, aren't you?
91
00:05:37,460 --> 00:05:41,040
I'm...going to take her out more.
92
00:05:41,040 --> 00:05:43,840
Otherwise, life just keeps
passing you by.
93
00:05:43,840 --> 00:05:46,960
Otherwise, life just keeps
passing her by.
94
00:05:46,960 --> 00:05:50,600
Oh, I thought when I saw you wearing
that hat it was something serious.
95
00:05:50,600 --> 00:05:55,300
No. We don't get a lot
of customers in that model of hat.
96
00:05:55,300 --> 00:05:57,560
I can see why.
97
00:05:57,560 --> 00:05:59,520
But I thought I'd bring him here
98
00:05:59,520 --> 00:06:02,180
until I've got his manners
polished up a bit,
99
00:06:02,180 --> 00:06:05,020
then we can move up
to something less...basic.
100
00:06:05,020 --> 00:06:06,920
You'll be wanting the menu, then.
101
00:06:06,920 --> 00:06:09,220
Yes, and a jug of water.
102
00:06:11,560 --> 00:06:13,360
What do you recommend?
103
00:06:13,360 --> 00:06:16,200
A new hat.
104
00:06:16,200 --> 00:06:18,120
No, thank you,
105
00:06:18,120 --> 00:06:20,220
you served us that last time.
106
00:06:20,220 --> 00:06:23,880
Well, I've never seen you
leave anything on your plate,
especially a tip.
107
00:06:23,880 --> 00:06:25,480
I'll give you a tip -
108
00:06:25,480 --> 00:06:27,960
no more remarks about my hat.
109
00:06:27,960 --> 00:06:31,740
As long as you keep wearing it, it
gets all the bad publicity it needs.
110
00:06:31,740 --> 00:06:34,080
How do you get away
with insulting customers?
111
00:06:34,080 --> 00:06:37,540
It's not as if your food's good.
There's nothing wrong with my food.
112
00:06:37,540 --> 00:06:42,960
Your pastry's not light enough.
Oh, what a wicked thing to say!
113
00:06:42,960 --> 00:06:46,760
Well, you didn't think about that
when you were talking about my hat.
114
00:06:46,760 --> 00:06:50,460
No, but a hat's a hat. There's
always something stupid about a hat,
115
00:06:50,460 --> 00:06:52,900
that's what you pay for.
That's true.
116
00:06:52,900 --> 00:06:57,980
But it's deeply wounding
when people point the finger
of scorn at your pastry.
117
00:06:57,980 --> 00:07:00,580
Well, when you're making
pastry commercially,
118
00:07:00,580 --> 00:07:04,760
you can't expect it to be as good as
a woman can make it in her own home.
119
00:07:04,760 --> 00:07:07,220
I wouldn't care if I didn't try.
120
00:07:07,220 --> 00:07:11,900
Look, what fat are you using?
121
00:07:11,900 --> 00:07:14,880
Do you think that's it?
Ooh, nearly every time.
122
00:07:14,880 --> 00:07:17,560
It's not as if I skimp on it,
it's what I use at home.
123
00:07:17,560 --> 00:07:18,780
Come and have a look.
124
00:07:18,780 --> 00:07:22,100
In my experience, it's nearly
all down to fat. Do you think?
125
00:07:22,100 --> 00:07:24,200
Here, mind you behave yourself!
126
00:07:25,800 --> 00:07:28,440
Here, there's nowt to it.
127
00:07:28,440 --> 00:07:30,520
It's never as easy as it looks.
128
00:07:30,520 --> 00:07:33,340
Look, all tha' needs
is a big enough kite.
129
00:07:33,340 --> 00:07:36,760
Tha' runs downhill with it,
jumps in the air, and there you are.
130
00:07:36,760 --> 00:07:38,740
Seriously injured.
131
00:07:38,740 --> 00:07:41,820
Flying! Hang-gliding!
132
00:07:41,820 --> 00:07:46,900
You haven't got
the first grasp of aerodynamics,
not to mention rent-paying.
133
00:07:46,900 --> 00:07:49,120
Why, you'd never get
it off the ground.
134
00:07:49,120 --> 00:07:51,560
Hang-gliding
is a young man's activity.
135
00:07:51,560 --> 00:07:55,220
That's what they said
about extra-marital relations.
136
00:07:58,400 --> 00:08:02,120
That's a right bit of wire,
is that. Aye.
137
00:08:02,120 --> 00:08:04,720
It's not just your fuse, isn't that.
138
00:08:04,720 --> 00:08:06,600
No, it's not just a fuse.
139
00:08:06,600 --> 00:08:09,880
You've got to know what you're doing
to fiddle with stuff like that.
140
00:08:09,880 --> 00:08:13,300
You know, I'm glad you're bringing
your missus out more.
141
00:08:13,300 --> 00:08:15,760
I'd sooner be fiddling
with something like this.
142
00:08:15,760 --> 00:08:18,600
Me too, if I could get on with it.
143
00:08:18,600 --> 00:08:21,880
Hey, have you thought
of putting this wire in here?
144
00:08:21,880 --> 00:08:25,620
Keep your fingers out, will you?
Pass me that little bent bit there.
145
00:08:25,620 --> 00:08:27,480
Now look what you've done!
146
00:08:27,480 --> 00:08:29,860
You've dropped a piece.
147
00:08:32,240 --> 00:08:33,820
Leave things alone, will you?
148
00:08:33,820 --> 00:08:36,200
Come round here
and help me pick these bits up.
149
00:08:39,083 --> 00:08:40,923
COMPO: I know what I'm doing.
150
00:08:45,723 --> 00:08:50,083
You can come out now, Sid,
the food inspector's gone.
151
00:08:50,083 --> 00:08:51,683
Hey, Norm!
152
00:08:51,683 --> 00:08:54,703
Why has Sid got Wally
on the floor behind the counter?
153
00:08:54,703 --> 00:08:57,123
Maybe because
there's no room on the shelf.
154
00:08:58,403 --> 00:09:02,443
BANG
Ooh! Ooh, that was nasty!
155
00:09:02,443 --> 00:09:06,343
Oh, the things you can do
to your moving parts.
156
00:09:06,343 --> 00:09:09,603
Not in a restaurant, you can't.
157
00:09:09,603 --> 00:09:11,983
Look, will you stop
rotating your kneecap?
158
00:09:11,983 --> 00:09:13,683
I gave it a hell of a crack!
159
00:09:13,683 --> 00:09:18,583
If one thing goes straight
to my cringing reflex,
it's someone rotating their kneecap.
160
00:09:18,583 --> 00:09:20,503
That, and cracking their knuckles.
161
00:09:20,503 --> 00:09:22,583
Eating red-hot chips going...
162
00:09:24,743 --> 00:09:27,683
It makes you shudder,
and people whose sauce-bottle tops
163
00:09:27,683 --> 00:09:30,483
look as though they've got
bunches of raisins on them.
164
00:09:30,483 --> 00:09:32,783
Wally's good with his hands,
165
00:09:32,783 --> 00:09:34,403
he built that pigeon loft.
166
00:09:34,403 --> 00:09:36,643
Hey, Wally,
could you build me a big kite?
167
00:09:36,643 --> 00:09:39,483
Now, if you're persisting
with this ridiculous idea,
168
00:09:39,483 --> 00:09:40,903
you're going to finish up...
169
00:09:42,803 --> 00:09:44,603
Can you build a big kite, Wally?
170
00:09:44,603 --> 00:09:46,603
What sort of big kite?
171
00:09:46,603 --> 00:09:49,783
Well, like a sort of
flying pigeon loft,
172
00:09:49,783 --> 00:09:51,983
for hang-gliding purposes.
173
00:09:51,983 --> 00:09:54,423
Hang-gliding?
Who's going hang-gliding?
174
00:09:54,423 --> 00:09:56,383
Me!
175
00:10:02,723 --> 00:10:05,943
I'll be back in a minute, I'm just
putting this in my microwave.
176
00:10:11,683 --> 00:10:14,703
He's a great big clever dick,
ain't he?
177
00:10:14,703 --> 00:10:17,743
I thought he was supposed
to put meat pies in the microwave.
178
00:10:17,743 --> 00:10:20,023
I mean, who eats hot bent wire?
179
00:10:22,023 --> 00:10:24,603
He's mending the microwave.
180
00:10:24,603 --> 00:10:27,923
Well, there's only an idiot
would tamper with a microwave,
181
00:10:27,923 --> 00:10:30,163
is he qualified? For an idiot, he is.
182
00:10:30,163 --> 00:10:31,983
They've hurt his rotten feelings.
183
00:10:31,983 --> 00:10:34,123
Get off!
184
00:10:34,123 --> 00:10:37,583
Anyway, I don't see what's so funny
about me going hang-gliding.
185
00:10:37,583 --> 00:10:41,043
The last of the suicide pilots,
186
00:10:41,043 --> 00:10:44,303
Mikimoto strikes again!
187
00:10:44,303 --> 00:10:46,903
"There he goes," they'll say,
"the Flying Welly!"
188
00:10:47,023 --> 00:10:50,043
Hold still a minute.
What are you doing? Get off!
189
00:10:50,043 --> 00:10:51,503
No, no!
190
00:10:54,863 --> 00:10:57,763
Ah-so!
191
00:10:59,183 --> 00:11:01,523
And ah-so to you lot, and all!
192
00:11:04,983 --> 00:11:06,703
No, don't take them off. No, no.
193
00:11:06,703 --> 00:11:09,883
They've transformed you,
that pair of glasses have.
194
00:11:09,883 --> 00:11:13,943
I bet they have,
I can't flaming see.
195
00:11:13,943 --> 00:11:17,203
Look at that blink.
Did you see that blink?
196
00:11:17,203 --> 00:11:20,503
Do it again. What? You know, the...
197
00:11:21,363 --> 00:11:22,603
The...
198
00:11:22,603 --> 00:11:25,283
What the hell's he...?
No, don't come too close.
199
00:11:25,283 --> 00:11:27,803
I'm not looking in your eyes
if you come too close.
200
00:11:27,803 --> 00:11:29,963
I can't stand that red one.
201
00:11:29,963 --> 00:11:34,383
I'll watch the red one,
I'm having a bad day anyway.
202
00:11:34,383 --> 00:11:36,823
Ready when you are, then, Compo-san!
203
00:11:36,823 --> 00:11:39,163
Give it to us full face, the blink.
204
00:11:39,163 --> 00:11:41,803
Wait a minute, wait a minute!
205
00:11:41,803 --> 00:11:44,283
I've got to cycle myself up
for this, tha' knows.
206
00:11:44,283 --> 00:11:45,823
It's blinking difficult.
207
00:11:45,823 --> 00:11:47,823
Oh, dear.
208
00:11:47,823 --> 00:11:49,463
Right now, let's see.
209
00:11:49,463 --> 00:11:51,143
What do you want?
210
00:11:51,143 --> 00:11:55,463
Do you want the super blink or the
economy pack? We'll leave it to you.
211
00:11:55,463 --> 00:11:57,263
Oh, dear. Decisions, decisions.
212
00:11:57,263 --> 00:12:00,343
Come on, get on with it! All right,
here it comes, here it comes!
213
00:12:00,343 --> 00:12:02,863
The super-duper blink, stand by!
214
00:12:06,383 --> 00:12:08,123
Did you see that?
215
00:12:08,123 --> 00:12:11,523
That was like a blink, you don't see
blinks like that anymore.
216
00:12:11,523 --> 00:12:15,303
When you see that red eye magnified
behind his glasses,
217
00:12:15,303 --> 00:12:18,443
it looks like a fire
in a spaghetti factory.
218
00:12:18,443 --> 00:12:21,783
Oh, dear. These glasses,
they give my eyeballs a hernia.
219
00:12:21,783 --> 00:12:24,763
No, keep them on, because you see,
220
00:12:24,763 --> 00:12:27,083
that wasn't a Yorkshire blink.
221
00:12:27,083 --> 00:12:29,883
It wasn't?
No, turn your chair round. Right.
222
00:12:29,883 --> 00:12:32,083
Here we go, let's try this.
223
00:12:33,843 --> 00:12:35,623
Now, hold.
224
00:12:40,483 --> 00:12:44,503
Little fella, him big kamikaze!
225
00:12:44,503 --> 00:12:47,423
Ah, where's my joystick?
Don't you dare answer that!
226
00:12:49,523 --> 00:12:53,063
It's totally Oriental,
it's pure Japanese.
227
00:12:53,063 --> 00:12:56,803
It's incredible how Japanese
those glasses make you look.
228
00:12:56,803 --> 00:13:00,963
Hey, I'll bet your father
was Japanese.
229
00:13:00,963 --> 00:13:04,043
Get away! He was nimble
enough on his feet.
230
00:13:04,043 --> 00:13:07,343
He was away before you ever
got a good look at him. In fact,
231
00:13:07,343 --> 00:13:10,503
he was away before even your
mother got a good look at him.
232
00:13:10,503 --> 00:13:13,063
Japanese?
With a name like Wythenshawe?
233
00:13:13,063 --> 00:13:16,563
Well, there you are, you see.
Damn cunning, these Orientals.
234
00:13:16,563 --> 00:13:19,183
That's right, you think about it,
235
00:13:19,183 --> 00:13:22,383
it gives you an air
of real...illegitimacy.
236
00:13:22,383 --> 00:13:24,623
That's true,
and I'm fond of rice pudding.
237
00:13:24,623 --> 00:13:26,723
How Japanese can you get?
238
00:13:26,723 --> 00:13:30,863
Look how foreign you've always found
the English language. Wait a minute.
239
00:13:30,863 --> 00:13:35,123
I can't be Japanese, my mam said
my dad came from Chesterfield.
240
00:13:35,123 --> 00:13:36,883
Well, that's it, then. Is it?
241
00:13:36,883 --> 00:13:41,263
It certainly is, I mean,
it's practically a Japanese colony
is Chesterfield,
242
00:13:41,263 --> 00:13:43,043
look at that church steeple.
243
00:13:43,043 --> 00:13:50,583
They do say that the Japanese
are very gifted in the trickier
practices of the marriage bed.
244
00:13:52,803 --> 00:13:56,123
Where've you been picking up
bits of information like that?
245
00:13:56,123 --> 00:14:01,583
There must have been radical changes
in the editorial policy
of the Pigeon Fanciers' Gazette.
246
00:14:01,583 --> 00:14:06,223
Hey, Norm. What did he say
us Japanese are gifted at?
247
00:14:06,223 --> 00:14:09,363
The trickier practices
of the marriage bed.
248
00:14:09,363 --> 00:14:11,943
All that means
round this part of the world
249
00:14:11,943 --> 00:14:15,663
is knowing how to secure more than
your share of the eiderdown. Cha!
250
00:14:15,663 --> 00:14:20,483
Da-da! Haa-haa!
All right, chippy-san-man!
251
00:14:20,483 --> 00:14:25,523
Three honourable gentlemen
want big plate
old Japanese delicacy,
252
00:14:25,523 --> 00:14:27,363
sweet and sour mushy pea.
253
00:14:28,463 --> 00:14:29,843
BANG!
254
00:14:29,843 --> 00:14:31,743
ELECTRICAL BUZZING
255
00:14:31,743 --> 00:14:34,143
NORA: Oh! Oh!
256
00:14:36,183 --> 00:14:42,583
IVY: Well, now you've mended that,
I suggest for an encore
you put the blasted fire out!
257
00:14:42,583 --> 00:14:44,523
SID: It's only a bit of smoke.
258
00:14:44,523 --> 00:14:49,743
Ha! What is this vision
that has come from Sid's klitchen?
259
00:14:49,743 --> 00:14:53,463
Oh, my God! If it's not
the rheumatics, it's him.
260
00:14:53,463 --> 00:14:55,343
Ha!
261
00:14:55,343 --> 00:14:57,083
It's Joan Crawford!
262
00:14:59,543 --> 00:15:01,483
Keep away! No, no!
263
00:15:01,483 --> 00:15:04,523
'Tis not Joan Crawford.
'Tis Nola Batty.
264
00:15:04,523 --> 00:15:07,923
In sheer-silk nylon
clinkly stocking.
265
00:15:07,923 --> 00:15:10,403
And velly funny hat.
266
00:15:10,403 --> 00:15:12,863
Are you going to sit there
and let him insult me?
267
00:15:12,863 --> 00:15:15,863
I'm not tangling with no Japanese.
268
00:15:15,863 --> 00:15:18,843
What's he doing?! What's he doing?
269
00:15:18,843 --> 00:15:23,963
There's no telling once
he's gone bushido, Nora, distract
him with a flick of your fan.
270
00:15:23,963 --> 00:15:25,523
Cha!
271
00:15:26,743 --> 00:15:29,903
Pey! Pey!
272
00:15:29,903 --> 00:15:32,303
Pow! Oh!
273
00:15:33,403 --> 00:15:38,643
Well, if he wants to tackle
my missus, he's bound
to have the nerve for hang-gliding.
274
00:15:38,643 --> 00:15:40,283
Oooh!
275
00:15:41,583 --> 00:15:43,823
Ah, so!
276
00:15:51,483 --> 00:15:53,143
Oh, Lord!
277
00:15:53,143 --> 00:15:55,663
Don't look down! Don't look down!
278
00:15:55,663 --> 00:15:59,643
What's thou brought us up here for?
279
00:15:59,643 --> 00:16:04,163
Training, training. If you're going
to start hang-gliding,
280
00:16:04,163 --> 00:16:07,763
we've got to start
training you for heights. Ah!
281
00:16:07,763 --> 00:16:09,803
I'm not jumping off here!
282
00:16:09,803 --> 00:16:13,043
Come back, that man! Don't make
any sudden movements, Compo.
283
00:16:13,043 --> 00:16:14,743
Hold my hand, hold my hand!
284
00:16:14,743 --> 00:16:16,523
Don't let go of him, Clegg.
285
00:16:16,523 --> 00:16:19,763
Hold on to him. I am holding on,
I'm holding on to everything!
286
00:16:19,763 --> 00:16:21,923
No! Get your hands of my neck!
287
00:16:21,923 --> 00:16:24,763
Stop thinking
of yourself all the time!
288
00:16:24,763 --> 00:16:29,903
Get out of it! It's all right for
thee, it's me he wants to jump off!
289
00:16:29,903 --> 00:16:33,383
Don't be ridiculous,
I don't want you to jump.
290
00:16:33,383 --> 00:16:35,663
Well, when I say,
"I don't want you to jump,"
291
00:16:35,663 --> 00:16:37,843
I mean, if you insist,
who am I to interfere?
292
00:16:39,383 --> 00:16:42,723
Norm, let go. I have let go!
293
00:16:42,723 --> 00:16:46,163
Then what you got that
vice-like grip on my arm for?
294
00:16:46,163 --> 00:16:48,083
If you're going to split hairs...
295
00:16:48,083 --> 00:16:50,323
We don't want to hurt you.
296
00:16:50,323 --> 00:16:52,783
Oh, no, knocker chops?
297
00:16:52,783 --> 00:16:54,703
Not till I hit bottom!
298
00:16:54,703 --> 00:16:57,723
We just want to get you
accustomed to heights,
299
00:16:57,723 --> 00:17:00,183
give you the feel
of a bit of altitude.
300
00:17:00,183 --> 00:17:01,903
A bit?!
301
00:17:01,903 --> 00:17:05,483
Did you hear that, Norm, a bit?
Look at it! Look!
302
00:17:05,483 --> 00:17:10,023
Thanks for the invitation,
but I'd rather keep my eyes closed!
303
00:17:10,023 --> 00:17:12,463
Just come over here
to the edge and look down.
304
00:17:12,463 --> 00:17:14,883
It really is rather a splendid view.
305
00:17:14,883 --> 00:17:17,743
And you've got to admire
the workmanship
306
00:17:17,743 --> 00:17:19,843
that went into a thing like this.
307
00:17:19,843 --> 00:17:24,763
The vision of the Victorian builders,
their confidence.
308
00:17:24,763 --> 00:17:26,903
Where's it all gone, eh?
309
00:17:26,903 --> 00:17:30,203
Where has it all gone?
310
00:17:30,203 --> 00:17:33,243
Where the hell have those two gone?
311
00:17:33,243 --> 00:17:34,703
Come back here!
312
00:17:42,663 --> 00:17:44,943
Ah! I thought
you'd find your way here.
313
00:17:44,943 --> 00:17:46,983
Our intrepid birdman(!)
314
00:17:46,983 --> 00:17:48,663
Here, get your face round that.
315
00:17:48,663 --> 00:17:50,703
Yes, a fine flyer you're going to be.
316
00:17:50,703 --> 00:17:53,403
It's terrible seeing
grown men turn white.
317
00:17:53,403 --> 00:17:55,663
It's your round next.
318
00:17:55,663 --> 00:17:58,003
It's terrible seeing
grown men turn white.
319
00:17:58,003 --> 00:17:59,523
COMPO CACKLES
320
00:17:59,523 --> 00:18:02,403
Yes, my popularity doesn't
come out of a purse, you know?
321
00:18:02,403 --> 00:18:05,883
It couldn't get out with all the
locks and chains you've got on it.
322
00:18:05,883 --> 00:18:07,843
Foggy's saving up for his old age.
323
00:18:07,843 --> 00:18:10,843
Though I don't know why
cos you get it for free.
324
00:18:10,843 --> 00:18:13,583
Oh, if it's for free he'll be there!
325
00:18:13,583 --> 00:18:15,863
Are you suggesting
I don't stand my corner?
326
00:18:15,863 --> 00:18:17,923
That's all you do, just stand.
327
00:18:17,923 --> 00:18:23,623
I've never met anybody with such an
ability to avoid paying for a round.
328
00:18:23,623 --> 00:18:26,883
I resent that.
Listen, people come for miles
329
00:18:26,883 --> 00:18:30,363
just to study his technique
of the empty glass.
330
00:18:30,363 --> 00:18:32,623
Beautiful. What technique?
331
00:18:32,623 --> 00:18:34,223
Making it last.
332
00:18:34,223 --> 00:18:36,463
Well, I don't drink as fast as you.
333
00:18:36,463 --> 00:18:38,863
Well, nobody drinks as fast as him,
334
00:18:38,863 --> 00:18:41,683
he's got a throat
like a flush lavatory.
335
00:18:41,683 --> 00:18:45,523
In times of drought I wonder they
don't make him put a brick in it.
336
00:18:45,523 --> 00:18:50,603
It's true, he can sink a drop,
but then he learnt at the hands
of a master. Who was that?
337
00:18:50,603 --> 00:18:54,003
That big bird that you used
to go bat-hunting with.
338
00:18:54,003 --> 00:18:56,103
Oh, aye, Slack Edna.
339
00:18:57,143 --> 00:18:59,483
Bat-hunting?! Aye.
340
00:18:59,483 --> 00:19:02,203
What kind of a person
goes bat-hunting?
341
00:19:02,203 --> 00:19:04,003
Big drinkers, usually.
342
00:19:04,003 --> 00:19:07,083
She were a demon
of a drinker, were Edna.
343
00:19:07,083 --> 00:19:09,203
But strangely
unreliable at dominoes.
344
00:19:09,203 --> 00:19:11,483
Well, none of us is perfect.
345
00:19:11,483 --> 00:19:13,403
But why did she go bat-hunting?
346
00:19:13,403 --> 00:19:17,403
For bats, you stupid prong!
347
00:19:17,403 --> 00:19:19,023
What, flying bats?
348
00:19:19,023 --> 00:19:21,623
Of course flying bats,
they're no damn good to you
349
00:19:21,623 --> 00:19:24,423
if they're running
round your feet, are they?
350
00:19:24,423 --> 00:19:28,463
Well what damn good are
they if they're flying?
Look, she wanted their wings.
351
00:19:28,463 --> 00:19:32,243
She had this idea to make bat-skin
handbags and things like that.
352
00:19:32,243 --> 00:19:35,843
Luxury bat-skin wear, I like it.
353
00:19:35,843 --> 00:19:39,383
Yeah, that could have caught on.
Edna, the bat-skin millionaire.
354
00:19:39,383 --> 00:19:41,043
Then why didn't it catch on?
355
00:19:41,043 --> 00:19:42,903
She didn't catch any.
356
00:19:42,903 --> 00:19:44,883
Why not?
357
00:19:44,883 --> 00:19:47,003
Have you ever tried to catch a bat?
358
00:19:47,003 --> 00:19:48,623
Sad, really.
359
00:19:48,623 --> 00:19:52,023
In the long summer evenings
when the pubs turned out,
360
00:19:52,023 --> 00:19:55,623
she could be seen swaying,
ghost-like in the churchyard,
361
00:19:55,623 --> 00:19:58,763
counting the little handbags
fluttering past her head.
362
00:19:58,763 --> 00:20:01,743
Which leads us naturally
to the next question, Foggy.
363
00:20:01,743 --> 00:20:03,283
Are you going to get a round in
364
00:20:03,283 --> 00:20:06,203
or are we just going to stand here
all day talking bats?
365
00:20:06,203 --> 00:20:08,243
All right, all right.
366
00:20:08,243 --> 00:20:09,783
I'll buy the next round.
367
00:20:09,783 --> 00:20:11,803
You'll do what?!
368
00:20:11,803 --> 00:20:13,903
I said, "I'll buy the next round."
369
00:20:13,903 --> 00:20:15,923
Good on you, mate!
370
00:20:18,423 --> 00:20:23,143
Hey, Foggy!
I'll have a whisky this time!
Oh, it's generous of you, Foggy!
371
00:20:23,143 --> 00:20:25,603
Happy birthday, Foggy!
Happy birthday, Foggy!
372
00:20:26,643 --> 00:20:30,383
# Happy birthday to you,
373
00:20:30,383 --> 00:20:33,263
# Happy birthday, dear Foggy
374
00:20:33,263 --> 00:20:36,183
# Happy birthday to you. #
375
00:20:46,723 --> 00:20:49,243
THROATY LAUGHTER
376
00:20:50,663 --> 00:20:52,763
I didn't think
it was all that amusing.
377
00:20:52,763 --> 00:20:55,823
Relax, foggy. Enjoy your birthday.
378
00:20:55,823 --> 00:20:58,123
I wouldn't mind so much
if it was my birthday.
379
00:20:58,123 --> 00:21:00,803
Oh, yes, you would. Don't lie.
Go on, cheer up.
380
00:21:00,803 --> 00:21:04,183
Think of all the pleasure you've
given to all them thirsty blokes.
381
00:21:04,183 --> 00:21:05,843
Yes, that's another thing -
382
00:21:05,843 --> 00:21:08,023
what are they doing
in a pub at lunchtime?
383
00:21:08,023 --> 00:21:10,903
Why aren't they working? Bone idle?
384
00:21:10,903 --> 00:21:13,083
# Happy birthday to you
385
00:21:13,083 --> 00:21:15,463
# Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday to you
386
00:21:15,463 --> 00:21:18,823
# Happy birthday, dear Foggy
Happy birthday, dear Foggy
387
00:21:18,823 --> 00:21:22,263
# Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday to you. #
388
00:21:22,263 --> 00:21:24,143
Are you going to lie there all day?
389
00:21:24,143 --> 00:21:26,103
I'd like to, with Nora Batty.
390
00:21:26,103 --> 00:21:28,603
Wouldn't you rather have measles?
391
00:21:28,603 --> 00:21:31,383
Do you know, Norm,
I think I'm in love with Nora Batty.
392
00:21:31,383 --> 00:21:33,283
That must be thrilling for her.
393
00:21:33,283 --> 00:21:36,503
It's like being adopted
by a death watch beetle.
394
00:21:36,503 --> 00:21:40,083
She makes me tinkle all over.
395
00:21:40,083 --> 00:21:41,903
I think he means tingle.
396
00:21:41,903 --> 00:21:44,123
That's it, Norm, tinkle all over.
397
00:21:44,123 --> 00:21:45,723
Rubbish!
398
00:21:45,723 --> 00:21:47,403
Well, all right, then.
399
00:21:47,403 --> 00:21:51,963
Not all over,
mainly in the region of my...
400
00:21:53,543 --> 00:21:55,483
..elbow.
401
00:21:55,483 --> 00:22:00,143
The elbow? A seat of very
powerful emotions, is the elbow.
402
00:22:00,143 --> 00:22:01,943
The elbow?
403
00:22:01,943 --> 00:22:04,023
In Yorkshire, anyway.
404
00:22:04,023 --> 00:22:07,203
God knows what weird areas
405
00:22:07,203 --> 00:22:09,603
the passions could be
sited in down south.
406
00:22:09,603 --> 00:22:12,923
You get down as far as Luton
and I shudder to think
407
00:22:12,923 --> 00:22:16,723
what they might be including
among their erotic zones.
408
00:22:16,723 --> 00:22:21,383
Yes, well I fail to see
what possible connection the elbow
has with powerful emotions.
409
00:22:21,383 --> 00:22:25,103
Has thou ever tried cracking it
on the corner of a table?
410
00:22:25,103 --> 00:22:27,023
Come on, both of you, get up.
411
00:22:27,023 --> 00:22:29,523
Up, come on, up!
The Fuhrer has spoken!
412
00:22:31,323 --> 00:22:33,763
Come on, that man.
413
00:22:33,763 --> 00:22:36,583
Pick up the stride,
pick up the stride.
414
00:22:36,583 --> 00:22:39,303
Knees up, hup, hup-hup, hup-hup.
415
00:22:39,303 --> 00:22:42,183
I can't get them up any higher,
they're fixed to my legs!
416
00:22:42,183 --> 00:22:45,963
How do you expect to go
hang-gliding if you're not fit?
417
00:22:45,963 --> 00:22:49,203
Listen, you just have to hang on,
you don't have to peddle it!
418
00:22:49,203 --> 00:22:52,603
I haven't had so much fun
since I broke my ankle.
419
00:22:52,603 --> 00:22:55,323
Just proves my point,
you're out of condition.
420
00:22:55,323 --> 00:22:59,083
He may be out of condition,
I've never been in condition.
421
00:22:59,083 --> 00:23:01,923
It's too late to start now.
422
00:23:01,923 --> 00:23:05,503
I have seen more stamina
in a rubber duck.
423
00:23:05,503 --> 00:23:07,183
Why did the rubber duck?
424
00:23:07,183 --> 00:23:10,383
Because he saw the zip fly!
425
00:23:12,163 --> 00:23:15,703
Ah, it's the simple things
in life you miss first,
426
00:23:15,703 --> 00:23:17,903
like breathing for instance.
427
00:23:17,903 --> 00:23:19,963
I could soon knock you into shape.
428
00:23:19,963 --> 00:23:22,003
I wish he hadn't said knock.
429
00:23:22,003 --> 00:23:24,603
I do wish he hadn't said knock.
430
00:23:24,603 --> 00:23:29,763
Ah, but what sort of shape
does he want to knock us into, eh?
431
00:23:29,763 --> 00:23:34,343
I hope he doesn't want to think
we want to be the same shape as him.
432
00:23:34,343 --> 00:23:38,243
You can scoff. You weren't
so chirpy up there on the viaduct.
433
00:23:38,243 --> 00:23:41,623
Lost your taste for the wild
blue yonder then, didn't you?
434
00:23:41,623 --> 00:23:43,803
You can't stand heights.
435
00:23:43,803 --> 00:23:46,603
Well, I'm not used to viaducts.
436
00:23:46,603 --> 00:23:49,043
Well, who do you think
is used to viaducts?
437
00:23:49,043 --> 00:23:54,423
You don't think people go sneaking
around after dark getting
practice in at viaducts, do you?
438
00:23:54,423 --> 00:23:56,103
I like it -
439
00:23:56,103 --> 00:24:00,023
unlawful nocturnal
knowledge of a viaduct.
440
00:24:00,023 --> 00:24:02,043
Makes you shudder, doesn't it?
441
00:24:02,043 --> 00:24:06,163
I can stand ordinary heights as well
as thee. I'll match thee any day.
442
00:24:06,163 --> 00:24:09,623
Is that a challenge? Listen,
before this goes any further...
443
00:24:09,623 --> 00:24:12,483
Ah, He's all gob.
444
00:24:12,483 --> 00:24:18,163
Let me get this straight,
are you challenging me to a duel
to see who can climb the highest?
445
00:24:18,163 --> 00:24:19,943
I am.
446
00:24:19,943 --> 00:24:25,643
Oh, dear. If it's a duel tha' wants,
it's a duel tha' shall have.
447
00:24:25,643 --> 00:24:28,883
Listen, why don't we sit down
and talk about this?
448
00:24:30,423 --> 00:24:33,263
Choose your weapons.
449
00:24:33,263 --> 00:24:34,723
A tree.
450
00:24:37,063 --> 00:24:42,703
A tree? Yes, we'll each choose
a tree about the same size
and see who can climb the highest.
451
00:24:42,703 --> 00:24:44,163
Done!
452
00:24:50,323 --> 00:24:51,863
I'll take this one.
453
00:24:51,863 --> 00:24:53,843
I'll take this one.
454
00:24:53,843 --> 00:24:55,043
When you've had enough
455
00:24:55,043 --> 00:24:56,303
just climb down again.
456
00:24:56,303 --> 00:24:57,943
Don't worry, I'll be climbing
457
00:24:57,943 --> 00:24:59,323
when you've packed it in.
458
00:24:59,323 --> 00:25:01,503
We'll see about that.
459
00:25:01,503 --> 00:25:06,103
Right, off we go, then. Right.
460
00:25:06,103 --> 00:25:08,723
Right.
461
00:25:08,723 --> 00:25:10,263
Right. Right!
462
00:25:12,183 --> 00:25:14,583
Right.
463
00:25:31,003 --> 00:25:33,303
(Hey, Norm. Give us a leg up.)
464
00:25:33,303 --> 00:25:36,043
Slight technical hitch,
465
00:25:36,043 --> 00:25:38,803
if you could just see us
onto the first branch, Clegg.
466
00:25:44,343 --> 00:25:47,303
Are you quite sure about this?
467
00:25:47,303 --> 00:25:50,723
Oh, absolutely, yes.
I mean... You see...
468
00:25:50,723 --> 00:25:54,363
If you could just
bend down there, you see...
469
00:25:54,363 --> 00:25:57,163
then I can... Walk all over my back?
470
00:25:57,163 --> 00:25:59,863
I'm sorry about that,
but... You know.
471
00:26:00,663 --> 00:26:02,183
Ah!
472
00:26:07,083 --> 00:26:09,583
It's very civil of you,
you know, Clegg.
473
00:26:09,583 --> 00:26:12,583
Do you want me
to take my wellies off?
474
00:26:12,583 --> 00:26:16,463
Don't you dare. I'm not having your
feet running loose every which way.
475
00:26:16,463 --> 00:26:18,643
OK.
476
00:26:22,403 --> 00:26:25,243
Well, come on,
get hold of my welly, then! Eurgh!
477
00:26:25,243 --> 00:26:27,723
Eurgh!
478
00:26:32,783 --> 00:26:35,003
How's he doing?
479
00:26:35,003 --> 00:26:41,703
Has he packed in, yet? Here, they
don't call me Tarzan for nothing.
480
00:26:41,703 --> 00:26:45,903
As far as I can judge,
you're both about equally...
481
00:26:45,903 --> 00:26:47,163
crackers.
482
00:26:50,863 --> 00:26:53,003
Doesn't he know
I'm in my element, here?
483
00:26:53,003 --> 00:26:56,083
We used to do this all the time
on snipers courses.
484
00:26:56,083 --> 00:26:57,743
You're a fool.
485
00:26:57,743 --> 00:27:00,463
CRACKING AND RUSTLING
Oh!
486
00:27:03,783 --> 00:27:09,443
I seem... I seem to have got
my braces caught...
487
00:27:09,443 --> 00:27:11,923
COMPO LAUGHS
Look at him!
488
00:27:11,923 --> 00:27:13,703
Braces caught in the...
489
00:27:15,603 --> 00:27:18,103
The dozy buttock!
490
00:27:18,103 --> 00:27:20,083
He's got caught!
491
00:27:23,923 --> 00:27:29,063
Cleggy! I've got this branch,
it's passed right through
the hole in my trousers!
492
00:27:29,063 --> 00:27:33,363
I'll be all right, I'll be all right
in a minute, you see, when I...
493
00:27:33,363 --> 00:27:35,643
WHISTLING
494
00:27:42,523 --> 00:27:46,263
Oh, yeah. Fire brigade, please.
495
00:28:11,783 --> 00:28:14,743
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
39117
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