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WWW.MY-SUBS.CO
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When you were growing up in Queens,
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did you ever think that
you'd be the bartender
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on Watch What Happens Live?
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Oh please. Any gay guy
who can get themselves
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to the studio is gonna get a turn.
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No, come on, it's a big deal.
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I'm excited for you.
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Hey, Billy, right?
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Hey, Andy, how are you?
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Thank you so much for this,
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this is so awesome.
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I'm Julie, I write Housewives recaps.
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I know exactly who you are.
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Listen, our second guest,
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the one who's legitimately famous,
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found out that you were here
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and asked that you leave.
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Actually, it was more
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of a him or me kind of situation.
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- But six of one--
- Are you kidding?
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- No.
- Who is it?
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- Chelsea Handler.
- Why does she hate you?
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I don't know, I think I
tweeted the other day
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something like what would
I rather see less,
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Chelsea Handler's nipples
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or her Netflix talk show.
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It's a joke!
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I think I used to make fun of After Lately
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when it premiered.
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When was that, like 2011?
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The same year you called me
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an organ grinding monkey in Gucci
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at The Real Housewives of
Beverly Hills reunion.
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Yeah, it was Ralph Lauren,
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and I felt pretty that day.
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So I guess me subbing in for Billy
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is out of the question?
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Not gonna happen.
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And, actually, we would love it
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if you could leave now because
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I don't want you running
into her in the hallway.
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What are you gonna do for a bartender?
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Uh, we'll get a robot.
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Sync and corrections by n17t01
www.MY-SUBS.com
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You're back early.
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I was banned from Bravo.
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Congratulations.
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It's Chelsea Handler's fault.
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No, it's my fault too.
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I need to stop being mean to celebrities.
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Every time I talk shit
about a famous person
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I lose a potential gig.
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Talking shit about celebrities
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is what we do, okay?
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It's the only thing that
comes more naturally
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to us than breathing air.
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I know, but maybe it's time
to pull a Perez Hilton.
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Pose in a Speedo with a
baby in the bathtub?
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No, I mean stop being mean to celebrities.
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Just as it's starting to pay off?
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Chelsea Handler knows who you are now.
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Maybe it's just a question
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of picking your feuds as your star rises.
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I'm hungry. Are you hungry?
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Arthur, is there dinner?
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No, I'm sorry, noodles.
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I was just far too spent when I got home.
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Would you like pizza?
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- I guess.
- Arthur, are you okay?
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Oh, yes, thank you, Billy.
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And I'm sorry I didn't get up
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to greet you when you came in.
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It's just pledge drive week at PBS
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and it is even crazier than last year--
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Oh, my God, I just got invited
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to The Simpsons Live At
Town Hall after party.
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Oh, I didn't get that invitation.
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Probably because I'm mean to everyone.
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I bet I said something provocative
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about Yeardley Smith on
Instagram at some point.
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Is it "Yardly" or "Yeardly"?
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I don't know.
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And an invitation will always be redundant
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because you will always be my plus one.
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Well, thank you.
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What am I, flaked sandwich meat?
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And as far as the whole
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being nice to celebrities thing,
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I'm not in favor of it,
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particularly because Chrissy Teigen
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just weighed in on the Greek elections.
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Oh, well, she doesn't have quite
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the shrewd political
mind of a Naya Rivera.
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No, I don't wanna be mean anymore.
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God dammit!
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Whatever you wanna do,
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I will support you either way.
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Well, we have that bingo
gig tomorrow night.
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You think we can do it
without going full mean?
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If you're nice, I'll be nice too.
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And as our gift to you,
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we'll provide you with
this wonderful swag.
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We've got classic doo-wop.
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Oh, God, Chad Arrow is so arrogant
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about making the most pledge money.
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I mean, the odds are in his favor,
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he's in prime time
giving away doo-wop CDs.
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PBS viewers love doo-wop.
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It's like catnip to PBS viewers.
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I'm going to bed. Goodnight.
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Goodnight, Arthur.
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An unexpected bonus might be
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to speak with Claire here.
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Claire, could you smile?
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Turn that off.
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- That was awful.
- I know.
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I hate bombing.
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Let's take this into consideration.
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We did sub in for a drag queen
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and an insult comic on bingo night.
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- So what does that mean?
- I'm just saying
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maybe this wasn't the best time
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to debut our new material
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about how nice Naomi Watts seems.
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I think it's the venue.
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I think we need to give the nice thing
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- one more chance.
- Fine.
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Excuse me, I'm so sorry,
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I think you dropped something.
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What is it? Wow.
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A 30 day chip from AA.
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Look at that.
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What the hell are you doing to my friend?
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I'm gonna call the cops.
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Sorry, sorry, I'm, uh,
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I'm Abra Cadouglas.
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Grateful recovery alcoholic and magician.
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What's that in your pocket, sir?
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- What?
- Check your pocket.
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What?
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- Abra Cadouglas.
- Abra Cadouglas, yes.
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Williamsburg's premier sober magician.
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There's more than one?
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She's here every Tuesday night.
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She does this, uh, magic show
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that's themed around her recovery.
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I freakin' love you.
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Oh, thank you so much, thank you.
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Magic is an illusion
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made up of many steps.
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Sobriety takes just 12.
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First, we admitted that our lives
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had become unmanageable.
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Is this crazy or is this good?
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Once I was so desperate for alcohol
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that I shoplifted a can of hairspray
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and I drank it.
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Woke up three days later
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on a boat with Bill Pullman.
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Now that's crazy.
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Abra Cadouglas is my name,
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and I have to get out of the bar.
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So that's gonna happen.
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- Goodnight.
- Bye.
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Makes me laugh so much.
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Last week she sawed her sponsor in half.
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That does not surprise me.
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I'm Billy, by the way.
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- Hey, I'm Fred.
- Hey, Fred.
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Uh, you didn't happen to see
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our show just now, did you?
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Oh, no, no, I-- you know,
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I usually try to make it
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here for the bingo as well,
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but I had to work late tonight.
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That is more than okay.
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Are you in show business also?
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No, God no, I'm a dentist.
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Dentist? Wow, that's refreshing.
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- Are you single?
- Rested and ready.
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If that's the case, I
shall be excusing myself.
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Billiam, have a beautiful night.
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Nice meeting you.
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I can, um, get you another beer?
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I'm gonna fuck you, yeah.
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- Wow, okay.
- I'm just kidding.
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Wanna see a show tomorrow night?
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Yeah, great.
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God, I just think it
would be so disgusting
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to look inside a mouth every five minutes.
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Well, I mean, you know, when it's gross,
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it's usually more about the tongue
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than it is the teeth.
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That-- that is just disgusting.
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Tongues are weird, they're scaly.
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Mm-mm!
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- No.
- Later.
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Oh, my God, there's Marc Shaiman.
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What? Who's that?
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He co-wrote Hairspray, and, uh, Smash,
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and for Martin Short.
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I love that you know all this stuff.
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I just see a guy with
gaps in his incisors.
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- Well, there's that.
- Yeah.
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So, Billy, what do you think
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is like the greatest injustice
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in show business?
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Wow, good question.
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I think the greatest injustice
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is probably that Martin Short
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doesn't have an EGOT.
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You know what the EGOT is?
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It's someone who has an Emmy, Grammy,
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Oscar, and Tony.
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And I think all my second place grievances
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are probably about Marisa Tomei.
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Now, ladies and gentlemen,
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if you've been to the show before,
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you know that I always love to sing a song
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00:06:44,303 --> 00:06:46,371
and dedicate it to everybody with a pussy.
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Now if you have a pussy,
I wanna hear you say,
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"I love my pussy!"
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I love my pussy!
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I said, "I love my pussy!"
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I love my pussy!
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Can I get a volunteer for me?
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Anyone?
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Come on up, Horshack, let's go!
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00:07:04,124 --> 00:07:05,992
- Come on up!
- She chose me!
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He's fired up.
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Woo!
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Sit down, baby.
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He's a participator?
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Yes, a participator.
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I had no idea.
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The second Bridget asked for a volunteer
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to come up on stage,
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his hand shot up faster
than Kevin Spacey's fly
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at the opening of Newsies.
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What is that even?
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To not be embarrassed
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by even just the idea
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of audience participation.
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I don't know, I don't even
like it at a concert.
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Like when the lead singer goes,
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"Now you guys sing!"
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No, fuck you.
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Yeah, I paid you to sing.
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Thank you very much.
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I don't ask Imagine Dragons
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to come here and wait tables.
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It's bullshit.
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And if I am gonna sing,
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there's thousands of people there.
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Would my voice make a difference?
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No, not when everybody
around you is doing it.
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It's like voting.
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That's elitist.
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Why are you the only ones
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that get to sing and dance
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or whatever the hell it is you do?
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You think I'm a dancer? Really?
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Is it the arch in my back?
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Look, if non-performers want to perform,
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00:07:55,541 --> 00:07:57,241
they have karaoke and Halloween
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to use for act-out and dress-up times.
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But what's the point in
going to see anything
268
00:08:00,779 --> 00:08:02,280
if you can't take part in it?
269
00:08:02,281 --> 00:08:03,614
Ugh, you would say that.
270
00:08:03,615 --> 00:08:05,583
Nate turns into such a racial stereotype
271
00:08:05,584 --> 00:08:07,485
whenever we go to the movies together.
272
00:08:07,486 --> 00:08:09,253
He's always talking back to the screen
273
00:08:09,254 --> 00:08:11,422
or yelling "Watch out!"
to characters in trouble.
274
00:08:11,423 --> 00:08:14,025
You know, you really ruined
Blue Valentine for me.
275
00:08:14,026 --> 00:08:16,229
Michelle Williams was gonna
get her heart broken.
276
00:08:16,230 --> 00:08:17,463
That is the plot!
277
00:08:17,464 --> 00:08:19,630
Are we talking about, uh,
audience participation?
278
00:08:19,631 --> 00:08:21,232
Boy, I have a story about
279
00:08:21,233 --> 00:08:22,736
when I was in Tony and Tina's Wedding.
280
00:08:22,737 --> 00:08:23,969
Oh, I'm shocked.
281
00:08:23,970 --> 00:08:25,337
Shut up, Billy.
282
00:08:25,338 --> 00:08:27,439
So the whole show, uh,
283
00:08:27,440 --> 00:08:29,242
for those of you who don't know,
284
00:08:29,243 --> 00:08:31,643
is audience participation.
285
00:08:34,214 --> 00:08:37,751
And we had so much fun.
286
00:08:40,653 --> 00:08:43,022
That's your story.
287
00:08:43,023 --> 00:08:44,255
So Fred is a participator.
288
00:08:44,256 --> 00:08:46,190
Is that the only thing you
don't like about him?
289
00:08:46,191 --> 00:08:48,261
Yeah, you know, he's a great guy,
290
00:08:48,262 --> 00:08:51,096
he has an actual job, he's an adult.
291
00:08:51,097 --> 00:08:52,263
Then don't do what you usually do
292
00:08:52,264 --> 00:08:53,631
and break up with a good guy
293
00:08:53,632 --> 00:08:55,466
because of a tiny dumb reason
294
00:08:55,467 --> 00:08:57,001
- Is that what I do?
- Yes.
295
00:08:57,002 --> 00:08:58,036
You'll die alone.
296
00:08:58,037 --> 00:08:59,506
Why don't you just take him someplace
297
00:08:59,507 --> 00:09:01,374
other than a show?
298
00:09:02,675 --> 00:09:05,377
Okay. That's a good idea.
299
00:09:05,378 --> 00:09:06,577
You're very smart, Nate.
300
00:09:06,578 --> 00:09:07,979
You never sat next to him
301
00:09:07,980 --> 00:09:09,547
when he's yelling at the
Coca Cola polar bears
302
00:09:09,548 --> 00:09:10,681
before the movie starts.
303
00:09:10,682 --> 00:09:12,452
They're gonna get diabetes.
304
00:09:16,189 --> 00:09:17,623
Ah, let me guess.
305
00:09:17,624 --> 00:09:19,558
Pizza again for dinner.
306
00:09:19,559 --> 00:09:20,693
The place is a mess.
307
00:09:20,694 --> 00:09:23,295
What a dump, hey, Martha?
308
00:09:23,296 --> 00:09:24,695
Sorry, I'm just hungry.
309
00:09:24,696 --> 00:09:26,097
Every year it's the same.
310
00:09:26,098 --> 00:09:27,432
PBS has a pledge drive,
311
00:09:27,433 --> 00:09:28,499
and I need understanding
312
00:09:28,500 --> 00:09:29,700
from you that I don't get.
313
00:09:29,701 --> 00:09:31,302
And you're such a supportive
partner to Billy.
314
00:09:31,303 --> 00:09:33,037
Why can't I get some of that, Julie?
315
00:09:33,038 --> 00:09:34,372
You used my real name.
316
00:09:34,373 --> 00:09:35,542
If I don't raise enough money,
317
00:09:35,543 --> 00:09:37,176
I could lose my job.
318
00:09:37,177 --> 00:09:38,242
Gabby told me that today.
319
00:09:38,243 --> 00:09:39,243
If you lose your job,
320
00:09:39,244 --> 00:09:40,278
we'll get you another job,
321
00:09:40,279 --> 00:09:42,180
maybe at a for-profit network this time.
322
00:09:42,181 --> 00:09:43,516
I could even pitch them.
323
00:09:43,517 --> 00:09:45,984
This is not about you!
324
00:09:47,153 --> 00:09:49,555
Okay, Arthur, I acknowledge
325
00:09:49,556 --> 00:09:51,057
that when it comes to our relationship
326
00:09:51,058 --> 00:09:54,460
I tend to be J. Lo to your Judy Greer,
327
00:09:54,461 --> 00:09:56,494
but I'm trying to fix your problem.
328
00:09:56,495 --> 00:09:57,562
Yeah, that's just it, Julie.
329
00:09:57,563 --> 00:09:58,596
You're trying to fix it
330
00:09:58,597 --> 00:09:59,630
'cause that's what you want to do.
331
00:09:59,631 --> 00:10:01,599
I'm asking for sympathy and support.
332
00:10:01,600 --> 00:10:03,000
I need you to listen.
333
00:10:03,001 --> 00:10:05,470
Otherwise you may as
well not even be here.
334
00:10:05,471 --> 00:10:07,004
Well, maybe you need to be left alone.
335
00:10:07,005 --> 00:10:08,172
Why don't I just give you
336
00:10:08,173 --> 00:10:09,242
the apartment for the week.
337
00:10:09,243 --> 00:10:10,642
Fine!
338
00:10:10,643 --> 00:10:12,110
If that's the case, why don't I just
339
00:10:12,111 --> 00:10:13,578
take the dogs too so you don't have
340
00:10:13,579 --> 00:10:14,647
to worry about walking them.
341
00:10:14,648 --> 00:10:17,049
- Good!
- Great!
342
00:10:17,050 --> 00:10:19,151
I'll just grab my toothbrush.
343
00:10:19,152 --> 00:10:20,351
Or I won't, I'll just buy
344
00:10:20,352 --> 00:10:21,385
a new one at Duane Reade.
345
00:10:21,386 --> 00:10:22,522
- Great idea.
- So I'll just take
346
00:10:22,523 --> 00:10:26,091
the dogs and their food and beds.
347
00:10:26,092 --> 00:10:27,726
And my hair stuff.
348
00:10:27,727 --> 00:10:31,363
Dogs, their food and bed,
349
00:10:31,364 --> 00:10:34,466
and my hair stuff and my laptop.
350
00:10:34,467 --> 00:10:38,303
And jacket 'cause it's cold outside.
351
00:10:38,304 --> 00:10:41,140
The dogs, their food and beds,
352
00:10:41,141 --> 00:10:44,077
hair stuff, jacket because
it's cold outside,
353
00:10:44,078 --> 00:10:45,544
and laptop.
354
00:10:45,545 --> 00:10:48,413
And this DVD of The Jerk.
355
00:10:48,414 --> 00:10:50,149
See you Monday.
356
00:10:50,150 --> 00:10:51,717
And that's all I need.
357
00:10:51,718 --> 00:10:53,486
Come on, guys.
358
00:10:57,524 --> 00:10:59,324
- Darling.
- Hi, Mom.
359
00:10:59,325 --> 00:11:01,126
Welcome home.
360
00:11:01,127 --> 00:11:03,296
Can the dogs stay outside?
361
00:11:12,405 --> 00:11:13,606
For how long do we have
362
00:11:13,607 --> 00:11:15,607
the pleasure of your company?
363
00:11:15,608 --> 00:11:17,675
Until Arthur stops being mad at me
364
00:11:17,676 --> 00:11:20,344
or pledge week ends,
whichever comes first.
365
00:11:20,345 --> 00:11:21,579
Did you ever wonder
366
00:11:21,580 --> 00:11:23,347
whether Arthur's drinking problem
367
00:11:23,348 --> 00:11:24,982
is affecting your relationship?
368
00:11:24,983 --> 00:11:26,651
I don't think he has a drinking problem.
369
00:11:26,652 --> 00:11:27,985
You know, we're having dinner
370
00:11:27,986 --> 00:11:29,656
with the Coppermans tomorrow night.
371
00:11:29,657 --> 00:11:32,257
You're invited to join if you'd like.
372
00:11:32,258 --> 00:11:34,426
They have a single son.
373
00:11:34,427 --> 00:11:35,593
We didn't break up.
374
00:11:35,594 --> 00:11:36,696
Well, you're not married.
375
00:11:36,697 --> 00:11:37,763
I know.
376
00:11:37,764 --> 00:11:39,697
Why don't the dogs stay in cages?
377
00:11:39,698 --> 00:11:41,499
Because they're not canaries.
378
00:11:41,500 --> 00:11:43,100
Wait here, I have this article
379
00:11:43,101 --> 00:11:44,535
I want to show you about women
380
00:11:44,536 --> 00:11:46,172
with performance backgrounds
381
00:11:46,173 --> 00:11:48,441
moving on to lucrative careers.
382
00:11:50,376 --> 00:11:52,076
Oh, and where's that other study?
383
00:11:52,077 --> 00:11:53,211
Apparently Jewish women
384
00:11:53,212 --> 00:11:56,047
who marry Jewish men
have happier children.
385
00:11:56,048 --> 00:11:59,116
We've got to get daddy
to let mommy come home.
386
00:11:59,117 --> 00:12:00,618
You, um, looked like you were
387
00:12:00,619 --> 00:12:01,988
having a good time up there.
388
00:12:01,989 --> 00:12:03,255
God, what a blast.
389
00:12:03,256 --> 00:12:05,089
I mean, of all the crazy things,
390
00:12:05,090 --> 00:12:06,591
I'm not even a performer, but--
391
00:12:06,592 --> 00:12:08,092
Not even an aspirational one?
392
00:12:08,093 --> 00:12:09,262
Oh, God, no, no, no, no.
393
00:12:09,263 --> 00:12:10,696
I love what I do.
394
00:12:10,697 --> 00:12:14,566
♪ happy birthday to you ♪
395
00:12:14,567 --> 00:12:18,567
♪ happy birthday to you ♪
396
00:12:19,005 --> 00:12:23,775
♪ happy birthday, dear person ♪
397
00:12:23,776 --> 00:12:27,776
♪ happy birthday to you ♪
398
00:12:28,581 --> 00:12:31,717
♪ and many more ♪
399
00:12:31,718 --> 00:12:33,085
Woo!
400
00:12:34,120 --> 00:12:36,622
Happy birthday.
401
00:12:36,623 --> 00:12:39,157
Fred, you're a really sweet guy.
402
00:12:39,158 --> 00:12:40,191
I think it's great
403
00:12:40,192 --> 00:12:41,561
you don't want to be a performer,
404
00:12:41,562 --> 00:12:44,329
but I worry that what you are
405
00:12:44,330 --> 00:12:47,666
makes us even more incompatible.
406
00:12:47,667 --> 00:12:51,603
You're a participator.
407
00:12:51,604 --> 00:12:53,105
What-- what's that?
408
00:12:53,106 --> 00:12:54,405
Like getting onstage with Bridget
409
00:12:54,406 --> 00:12:56,107
and singing "Happy Birthday"
with these people.
410
00:12:56,108 --> 00:12:57,543
You don't know these people.
411
00:12:57,544 --> 00:12:59,211
I-- I just like to sing.
412
00:12:59,212 --> 00:13:00,278
What's the big deal?
413
00:13:00,279 --> 00:13:01,614
It's like Game of Thrones.
414
00:13:01,615 --> 00:13:05,083
I want to be okay with it, but I'm not.
415
00:13:08,121 --> 00:13:10,656
Hi, Julie Kessler for Arthur Tack.
416
00:13:10,657 --> 00:13:12,391
- Noodles?
- Oh, hi.
417
00:13:12,392 --> 00:13:13,992
I brought you lunch.
418
00:13:13,993 --> 00:13:15,660
And, uh, look I found
those olives you like,
419
00:13:15,661 --> 00:13:17,328
and bitters, I found bitters.
420
00:13:17,329 --> 00:13:18,698
- Hello, Julie.
- Hey, Gabby.
421
00:13:18,699 --> 00:13:20,365
How's the pledge drive?
422
00:13:20,366 --> 00:13:22,033
Uh, we're doing the best we can.
423
00:13:22,034 --> 00:13:23,067
Hey, have you guys ever considered
424
00:13:23,068 --> 00:13:24,335
changing your pitch?
425
00:13:24,336 --> 00:13:26,137
It's like tote bags and umbrellas.
426
00:13:26,138 --> 00:13:27,672
What kind of message does that send?
427
00:13:27,673 --> 00:13:30,041
"I love books," and,
"Oh, good, it's raining."
428
00:13:30,042 --> 00:13:31,311
We can't afford better gifts.
429
00:13:31,312 --> 00:13:32,344
Oh.
430
00:13:32,345 --> 00:13:33,544
One of Julie's favorite hobbies
431
00:13:33,545 --> 00:13:35,615
is fixing things when she
thinks they need fixing.
432
00:13:35,616 --> 00:13:37,182
Even when it's my boss.
433
00:13:37,183 --> 00:13:38,351
Ooh, then what if you just
434
00:13:38,352 --> 00:13:40,319
jazzed up the pledge breaks?
435
00:13:40,320 --> 00:13:41,686
I mean, it doesn't have to be expensive.
436
00:13:41,687 --> 00:13:43,156
It can be cheap like when Comedy Central
437
00:13:43,157 --> 00:13:44,323
did those roasts.
438
00:13:44,324 --> 00:13:45,556
I have to get back to work.
439
00:13:45,557 --> 00:13:47,191
Wait, Gabby, seriously I think
440
00:13:47,192 --> 00:13:48,628
this is kind of a great idea.
441
00:13:48,629 --> 00:13:50,262
First ever PBS roast.
442
00:13:50,263 --> 00:13:51,597
I mean, we could pack the dais
443
00:13:51,598 --> 00:13:53,198
with PBS personalities
444
00:13:53,199 --> 00:13:55,066
and rip 'em all new assholes.
445
00:13:55,067 --> 00:13:56,734
Charlie Rose, Cookie Monster,
446
00:13:56,735 --> 00:13:59,236
those creepy twins from Antique Roadshow.
447
00:13:59,237 --> 00:14:01,072
I grew up with those brothers.
448
00:14:01,073 --> 00:14:02,275
They're family friends.
449
00:14:02,276 --> 00:14:04,209
I bathed with those twins.
450
00:14:04,210 --> 00:14:06,145
This conversation is hurtful,
451
00:14:06,146 --> 00:14:09,047
and out of respect to my boundaries,
452
00:14:09,048 --> 00:14:10,450
I am going.
453
00:14:14,153 --> 00:14:15,688
Thanks for lunch.
454
00:14:23,329 --> 00:14:26,064
Everybody on Veep talks too fast.
455
00:14:26,065 --> 00:14:28,333
I'm switching it to Big Bang.
456
00:14:28,334 --> 00:14:29,734
Why did Kaley Cuoco-Sweeting
457
00:14:29,735 --> 00:14:31,168
only make a million dollars
458
00:14:31,169 --> 00:14:32,303
for this episode?
459
00:14:32,304 --> 00:14:34,171
- Is that true?
- It's amazing.
460
00:14:34,172 --> 00:14:36,273
When you're here, she actually listens.
461
00:14:36,274 --> 00:14:38,309
I listen to everything you say.
462
00:14:38,310 --> 00:14:40,578
You're upset because you
brought Arthur lunch
463
00:14:40,579 --> 00:14:42,713
and he was too drunk to
realize you were there.
464
00:14:42,714 --> 00:14:44,014
That's not the story.
465
00:14:44,015 --> 00:14:45,184
I think it's very close.
466
00:14:45,185 --> 00:14:47,052
Who wants popcorn?
467
00:14:47,053 --> 00:14:48,286
Isn't this fun?
468
00:14:48,287 --> 00:14:49,720
It's like a slumber party.
469
00:14:49,721 --> 00:14:51,758
Hey, Billy, wanna see my yearbook?
470
00:14:51,759 --> 00:14:53,425
I was a size 0,
471
00:14:53,426 --> 00:14:56,061
and that's a 1969 size 0.
472
00:14:56,062 --> 00:14:58,297
I was the size of Allison Janney's arm.
473
00:14:58,298 --> 00:15:01,032
Very, very small.
474
00:15:01,033 --> 00:15:02,401
I'll be right back.
475
00:15:02,402 --> 00:15:04,736
I have to get out of here.
476
00:15:04,737 --> 00:15:06,371
I miss my boyfriend.
477
00:15:06,372 --> 00:15:07,671
I know, and looking at you
478
00:15:07,672 --> 00:15:09,607
I'm thinking maybe I
shouldn't have dumped Fred.
479
00:15:09,608 --> 00:15:11,008
Is it the worst thing in the world
480
00:15:11,009 --> 00:15:12,211
to be a participator?
481
00:15:12,212 --> 00:15:15,347
No, I mean, it's up there.
482
00:15:15,348 --> 00:15:17,049
Oh, it's time for Arthur's shift.
483
00:15:17,050 --> 00:15:19,251
Turn on PBS, quick.
484
00:15:19,252 --> 00:15:20,452
Here you are.
485
00:15:20,453 --> 00:15:21,486
Thank you.
486
00:15:21,487 --> 00:15:23,188
Where did my nerds go?
487
00:15:23,189 --> 00:15:25,323
Hello, public television fans.
488
00:15:25,324 --> 00:15:27,527
We hope you are enjoying hour three
489
00:15:27,528 --> 00:15:30,228
of the slow dances of Tibet.
490
00:15:30,229 --> 00:15:32,297
And now it's umbrella time.
491
00:15:32,298 --> 00:15:33,697
Oh, my God, it's umbrella time.
492
00:15:33,698 --> 00:15:34,765
How exciting is that?
493
00:15:34,766 --> 00:15:36,000
I feel like I've been shot in the face
494
00:15:36,001 --> 00:15:37,067
with a tranquilizer dart.
495
00:15:37,068 --> 00:15:38,302
Arthur told me he gets
496
00:15:38,303 --> 00:15:40,440
the worst programs
during the worst shifts.
497
00:15:40,441 --> 00:15:43,175
No, they're contaminating the popcorn.
498
00:15:43,176 --> 00:15:46,044
Oh, God, that's a Marimekko bowl!
499
00:15:46,045 --> 00:15:48,646
We are a family here,
and we need your help.
500
00:15:48,647 --> 00:15:50,281
Isn't that right, Arthur?
501
00:15:50,282 --> 00:15:51,482
Oh, here's Arthur.
502
00:15:51,483 --> 00:15:53,384
Oh, nobody's gonna pledge
any money for this.
503
00:15:53,385 --> 00:15:55,254
Uh, coming up after the final
504
00:15:55,255 --> 00:15:58,757
Tibetan dance set to complete silence,
505
00:15:58,758 --> 00:16:02,758
a number from the musical, The Hairspray.
506
00:16:03,162 --> 00:16:05,030
He's gonna get fired.
507
00:16:12,104 --> 00:16:13,137
How did you get in here?
508
00:16:13,138 --> 00:16:14,138
I told the security guard
509
00:16:14,139 --> 00:16:15,506
I was Shari Lewis's granddaughter.
510
00:16:15,507 --> 00:16:16,640
Well, the pledge
thermometer hasn't budged.
511
00:16:16,641 --> 00:16:17,741
Hopefully people will tune in
512
00:16:17,742 --> 00:16:18,744
during the Hairpsray song.
513
00:16:18,745 --> 00:16:20,145
Oh, who's doing it?
514
00:16:20,146 --> 00:16:21,545
Harvey Fierstein is singing
with Cheyenne Jackson
515
00:16:21,546 --> 00:16:23,115
and Marc Shaiman is playing piano.
516
00:16:23,116 --> 00:16:25,116
Wow, the gay trifecta.
517
00:16:25,117 --> 00:16:26,217
I wonder who they'll contact
518
00:16:26,218 --> 00:16:27,186
in the inevitable seance?
519
00:16:27,187 --> 00:16:28,220
Ross Matthews?
520
00:16:28,221 --> 00:16:29,288
Ross Matthews isn't dead yet.
521
00:16:29,289 --> 00:16:30,689
Oh, right, mm-hmm.
522
00:16:30,690 --> 00:16:32,425
I want to meet Marc Shaiman.
523
00:16:32,426 --> 00:16:34,125
My ears are burning,
524
00:16:34,126 --> 00:16:35,426
and it's not venereal.
525
00:16:35,427 --> 00:16:36,560
Hey, hi, how are ya?
526
00:16:36,561 --> 00:16:38,262
I'm Billy, I saw Bridget Everett's show
527
00:16:38,263 --> 00:16:40,598
the other night and
your songs are amazing.
528
00:16:40,599 --> 00:16:42,500
I know, right? -I'm Julie Kessler.
529
00:16:42,501 --> 00:16:43,567
I'm such a fan of yours,
530
00:16:43,568 --> 00:16:45,035
I wouldn't even know where to begin.
531
00:16:45,036 --> 00:16:46,506
Julie Kessler, don't you write
532
00:16:46,507 --> 00:16:48,139
recaps of TV shows?
533
00:16:48,140 --> 00:16:49,507
- Yes!
- You wrote something
534
00:16:49,508 --> 00:16:51,509
really nasty about us on Smash.
535
00:16:51,510 --> 00:16:53,077
Well, if I said anything mean about it,
536
00:16:53,078 --> 00:16:54,178
I'm sure I was just upset
537
00:16:54,179 --> 00:16:55,448
that Ivy didn't get the role of Marilyn.
538
00:16:55,449 --> 00:16:57,182
Do you have any idea
539
00:16:57,183 --> 00:16:59,083
how hard we work on those songs?
540
00:16:59,084 --> 00:17:00,351
And then it's so easy for you
541
00:17:00,352 --> 00:17:01,652
people to just trash 'em.
542
00:17:01,653 --> 00:17:02,753
It wasn't that easy,
543
00:17:02,754 --> 00:17:05,055
I had 300 words due that day by noon.
544
00:17:05,056 --> 00:17:07,091
You here to write some
more shit about me online?
545
00:17:07,092 --> 00:17:08,792
I'm here because the pledge breaks
546
00:17:08,793 --> 00:17:10,528
are so boring I decided
to help my boyfriend.
547
00:17:10,529 --> 00:17:12,265
Oh, great, so now I'm boring.
548
00:17:12,266 --> 00:17:14,165
You know what, I'm leaving.
549
00:17:14,166 --> 00:17:15,332
What, Mr. Shaiman, no!
550
00:17:15,333 --> 00:17:16,536
Tell Harvey and Cheyenne
551
00:17:16,537 --> 00:17:19,304
I'll meet them at the M&M store.
552
00:17:19,305 --> 00:17:20,604
Oh, thanks a lot, mouse pad.
553
00:17:20,605 --> 00:17:22,239
Now with Shaiman gone I
have nothing lined up
554
00:17:22,240 --> 00:17:23,374
for the next pledge break.
555
00:17:23,375 --> 00:17:24,510
I was just trying to help.
556
00:17:24,511 --> 00:17:27,412
And yet?
557
00:17:27,413 --> 00:17:28,513
Shit.
558
00:17:28,514 --> 00:17:30,181
Okay, I can fix this.
559
00:17:30,182 --> 00:17:32,283
What if we do your PBS roast idea?
560
00:17:32,284 --> 00:17:34,485
We can't just--
we have nothing prepared.
561
00:17:34,486 --> 00:17:36,287
It's making fun of PBS celebrities.
562
00:17:36,288 --> 00:17:37,388
We can do it in our sleep.
563
00:17:37,389 --> 00:17:39,156
Doesn't that go against
your whole resolution
564
00:17:39,157 --> 00:17:41,025
about being nicer to celebrities?
565
00:17:41,026 --> 00:17:42,159
Fuck celebrities, I mean,
566
00:17:42,160 --> 00:17:43,195
except for Wendy Williams.
567
00:17:43,196 --> 00:17:46,498
Look, you need me and Arthur needs you.
568
00:17:46,499 --> 00:17:48,366
Arthur.
569
00:17:48,367 --> 00:17:49,735
We have an idea.
570
00:17:54,740 --> 00:17:57,576
Welcome to the first ever PBS roast.
571
00:17:57,577 --> 00:17:59,410
Now before we move on, I
just want to acknowledge
572
00:17:59,411 --> 00:18:01,045
all of our viewers who are taking time
573
00:18:01,046 --> 00:18:03,113
out of not having sex to watch our show.
574
00:18:03,114 --> 00:18:04,315
Thank you so much.
575
00:18:04,316 --> 00:18:06,483
Your balls are bluer
than Cookie Monster's.
576
00:18:06,484 --> 00:18:08,085
And speaking of Sesame Street,
577
00:18:08,086 --> 00:18:09,420
Maria from Sesame Street
578
00:18:09,421 --> 00:18:10,521
was supposed to be here tonight
579
00:18:10,522 --> 00:18:12,056
but Charlie Rose wouldn't let her
580
00:18:12,057 --> 00:18:13,757
have the night off from
cleaning his apartment.
581
00:18:13,758 --> 00:18:15,159
And speaking of Charlie Rose,
582
00:18:15,160 --> 00:18:16,360
this isn't a joke or anything,
583
00:18:16,361 --> 00:18:18,529
but he just seems like a
really mean pervert to me,
584
00:18:18,530 --> 00:18:20,331
like the kind of guy that only likes porn
585
00:18:20,332 --> 00:18:21,498
where a lady is getting it from behind
586
00:18:21,499 --> 00:18:22,633
and her head is in the toilet.
587
00:18:22,634 --> 00:18:25,302
And I hate to take things
into a negative place,
588
00:18:25,303 --> 00:18:27,271
but PBS, I have a beef with you.
589
00:18:27,272 --> 00:18:29,640
Why did you cancel Shining Time Station?
590
00:18:29,641 --> 00:18:31,675
If there's one thing children love
591
00:18:31,676 --> 00:18:34,211
it's having Ringo Starr
yell at them about trains.
592
00:18:34,212 --> 00:18:35,446
There are so many good shows
593
00:18:35,447 --> 00:18:36,513
you guys don't play anymore.
594
00:18:36,514 --> 00:18:38,315
What about The Frugal Gourmet?
595
00:18:38,316 --> 00:18:39,450
Remember that show?
596
00:18:39,451 --> 00:18:41,485
That was one of my
grandmother's favorites.
597
00:18:41,486 --> 00:18:42,753
You know, the original title
598
00:18:42,754 --> 00:18:44,755
of The Frugal Gourmet was The Cheap Cut.
599
00:18:44,756 --> 00:18:47,324
Or Mr. Bean, everybody loves Mr. Bean.
600
00:18:47,325 --> 00:18:49,193
Hey, Billy, you know, that's
what I call my clitoris?
601
00:18:49,194 --> 00:18:50,427
- Oh, wow!
- Maggie Smith
602
00:18:50,428 --> 00:18:51,530
knows what I'm talking about.
603
00:18:51,531 --> 00:18:53,598
Well, despite an FCC fine
604
00:18:53,599 --> 00:18:55,167
and an email from Gabby firing me,
605
00:18:55,168 --> 00:18:56,968
which she later retracted,
606
00:18:56,969 --> 00:18:58,369
you guys really saved my patoot.
607
00:18:58,370 --> 00:19:00,070
Yes. Arthur, this video has
608
00:19:00,071 --> 00:19:01,572
over 100,000 views already.
609
00:19:01,573 --> 00:19:03,407
Not since the days of Too Many Cooks.
610
00:19:03,408 --> 00:19:04,708
Do you remember Too Many Cooks?
611
00:19:04,709 --> 00:19:06,377
- No.
- This video has gotten
612
00:19:06,378 --> 00:19:08,145
so many donations that PBS raised
613
00:19:08,146 --> 00:19:09,782
more money than we ever have.
614
00:19:09,783 --> 00:19:12,250
Over $1,143!
615
00:19:12,251 --> 00:19:14,018
Oh, Arthur, I'm so proud of you.
616
00:19:14,019 --> 00:19:15,319
And I promise going forward,
617
00:19:15,320 --> 00:19:16,353
I'm gonna give you the five days
618
00:19:16,354 --> 00:19:17,354
a year that you need.
619
00:19:17,355 --> 00:19:18,389
Oh, thank you, porcupine,
620
00:19:18,390 --> 00:19:20,491
but those days are over for this year.
621
00:19:20,492 --> 00:19:22,393
Welcome home. I'll make dinner tonight.
622
00:19:22,394 --> 00:19:24,628
Mm-mm, no, we have tickets
to Abra Cadouglas,
623
00:19:24,629 --> 00:19:26,630
then we have to go to that Simpsons party.
624
00:19:26,631 --> 00:19:28,198
When did you get tickets
for Abra Cadouglas?
625
00:19:28,199 --> 00:19:30,067
Well, it was my big play to get Fred back,
626
00:19:30,068 --> 00:19:31,604
then he never replied to my email.
627
00:19:31,605 --> 00:19:34,239
- Fuck Fred.
- Fuck Fred!
628
00:19:34,240 --> 00:19:35,506
Now if I want to go to a magic show
629
00:19:35,507 --> 00:19:37,076
with a gay guy, the only one left
630
00:19:37,077 --> 00:19:41,346
is Neil Patrick Harris.
631
00:19:41,347 --> 00:19:43,213
My God, this place is packed.
632
00:19:43,214 --> 00:19:44,316
It's a good thing you got tickets
633
00:19:44,317 --> 00:19:48,520
before Abra Cadouglas exploded apparently.
634
00:19:48,521 --> 00:19:50,523
Oh, my God, is that Martha Stewart
635
00:19:50,524 --> 00:19:51,790
and Nathan Lane?
636
00:19:51,791 --> 00:19:54,291
I guess Abra's the toast of the town.
637
00:19:54,292 --> 00:19:55,327
- Oh, my God.
- What?
638
00:19:55,328 --> 00:19:57,028
That's Fred.
639
00:19:57,029 --> 00:19:58,064
And he brought a date.
640
00:19:58,065 --> 00:19:59,330
The nerve of him.
641
00:19:59,331 --> 00:20:00,597
- I hate them both.
- No, no, no,
642
00:20:00,598 --> 00:20:01,634
you don't have to hate them.
643
00:20:01,635 --> 00:20:02,634
It's my fault.
644
00:20:02,635 --> 00:20:03,734
I was being nice to celebrities
645
00:20:03,735 --> 00:20:05,102
and mean to guys I date.
646
00:20:05,103 --> 00:20:07,106
I should be doing the reverse.
647
00:20:07,107 --> 00:20:09,174
Don't be so hard on yourself.
648
00:20:09,175 --> 00:20:11,076
- Ooh!
- Here we go.
649
00:20:11,077 --> 00:20:12,745
She's sober, she's magical,
650
00:20:12,746 --> 00:20:15,313
she's Abra Cadouglas!
651
00:20:17,650 --> 00:20:19,049
The road to recovery is long
652
00:20:19,050 --> 00:20:20,317
and so is this scarf.
653
00:20:20,318 --> 00:20:22,254
Oh, it never ends, it never ends.
654
00:20:22,255 --> 00:20:26,257
Lifelong commitment to serenity.
655
00:20:26,258 --> 00:20:28,693
Abra Cadouglas.
656
00:20:28,694 --> 00:20:30,528
When I say A, you say A!
657
00:20:30,529 --> 00:20:31,796
- A!
- A!
658
00:20:31,797 --> 00:20:33,231
- A!
- A!
659
00:20:33,232 --> 00:20:36,267
Higher power, thank you so much.
660
00:20:36,268 --> 00:20:38,268
For my next trick, I'm
gonna need a volunteer.
661
00:20:38,269 --> 00:20:39,371
Who's it gonna be?
662
00:20:39,372 --> 00:20:40,605
Should I do it?
663
00:20:40,606 --> 00:20:42,339
Because if I do it maybe Fred will see
664
00:20:42,340 --> 00:20:43,407
that I'm okay with it
665
00:20:43,408 --> 00:20:44,475
and then he'll have to take me back.
666
00:20:44,476 --> 00:20:45,476
Are you serious?
667
00:20:45,477 --> 00:20:46,643
You have to think about this, Billy.
668
00:20:46,644 --> 00:20:47,780
- Are you sure?
- I don't have time to think.
669
00:20:47,781 --> 00:20:50,315
- I'll do it!
- Yes, you will.
670
00:20:50,316 --> 00:20:51,381
Give him a round of applause.
671
00:20:51,382 --> 00:20:53,185
He just got a service commitment.
672
00:20:55,354 --> 00:20:56,422
Sir, what's your name?
673
00:20:56,423 --> 00:20:59,390
- I'm Billy.
- Hi, Billy.
674
00:20:59,391 --> 00:21:00,624
Hi, and I just want to say
675
00:21:00,625 --> 00:21:02,126
that I'm not above this
676
00:21:02,127 --> 00:21:03,393
and I'm having a great time
677
00:21:03,394 --> 00:21:04,630
and I'm up for anything.
678
00:21:04,631 --> 00:21:06,364
Billy, I'm gonna need you
679
00:21:06,365 --> 00:21:08,500
to sit inside of this wagon.
680
00:21:08,501 --> 00:21:10,568
Okay, all right.
681
00:21:10,569 --> 00:21:13,772
This trigger represents
an obstacle to recovery
682
00:21:13,773 --> 00:21:15,673
or a trigger.
683
00:21:15,674 --> 00:21:16,775
Oh, Jesus.
684
00:21:16,776 --> 00:21:18,643
Work stress.
685
00:21:18,644 --> 00:21:20,545
Codependent parents.
686
00:21:20,546 --> 00:21:23,381
Dating too soon in recovery.
687
00:21:23,382 --> 00:21:26,184
Living above a bar.
688
00:21:26,185 --> 00:21:28,087
Prest-o, change-o, you're off the wagon.
689
00:21:29,455 --> 00:21:31,123
Abra Cadouglas!
690
00:21:32,525 --> 00:21:34,192
God, you're still wet.
691
00:21:34,193 --> 00:21:35,626
Well, I mean, you know.
692
00:21:35,627 --> 00:21:37,329
Was that as humiliating as it looked?
693
00:21:37,330 --> 00:21:38,630
Oh, much more so.
694
00:21:38,631 --> 00:21:40,532
- Hey, Billy.
- Hey, Fred.
695
00:21:40,533 --> 00:21:42,567
How are you? Good to see you.
696
00:21:42,568 --> 00:21:44,101
Look at me, I participated.
697
00:21:44,102 --> 00:21:45,536
Yeah, you know, I feel like this
698
00:21:45,537 --> 00:21:47,971
whole thing's like an exercise in empathy.
699
00:21:47,972 --> 00:21:49,239
Yeah, I guess that's what it was.
700
00:21:49,240 --> 00:21:51,041
Such a huge turn-off to see somebody
701
00:21:51,042 --> 00:21:53,746
embarrass themselves on stage like that.
702
00:21:53,747 --> 00:21:55,613
I'll see you around.
703
00:21:55,614 --> 00:21:57,416
Come on, Mordecai.
704
00:22:00,019 --> 00:22:01,418
Never do the right thing.
705
00:22:01,419 --> 00:22:03,689
- I know.
- Never do the right thing.
706
00:22:03,690 --> 00:22:05,557
I know, I know, I know.
707
00:22:05,558 --> 00:22:07,493
I'm sorry, let's go to
that Simpsons party.
708
00:22:12,131 --> 00:22:14,164
Kessler, K-E-S-S-L-E-R, just look again.
709
00:22:14,165 --> 00:22:16,502
Here, show him the invite on your phone.
710
00:22:16,503 --> 00:22:18,069
This says Julie Kavner.
711
00:22:18,070 --> 00:22:19,605
What are you talking about?
712
00:22:19,606 --> 00:22:21,139
JulieK@gmail.
713
00:22:21,140 --> 00:22:22,639
With or without an underscore though?
714
00:22:22,640 --> 00:22:24,007
No, that was a mistake,
715
00:22:24,008 --> 00:22:25,309
we meant to invite Julie Kavner
716
00:22:25,310 --> 00:22:26,276
because she's an integral part
717
00:22:26,277 --> 00:22:27,644
of the longevity of The Simpsons.
718
00:22:27,645 --> 00:22:29,079
You know, I don't need
to hear your musings
719
00:22:29,080 --> 00:22:30,981
on Julie Kavner's star quality right now.
720
00:22:30,982 --> 00:22:32,351
Yeah, well, you I've never heard of.
721
00:22:32,352 --> 00:22:33,618
Next.
722
00:22:33,619 --> 00:22:35,385
See, I wasn't invited either
723
00:22:35,386 --> 00:22:36,787
and it has nothing to
do with whether or not
724
00:22:36,788 --> 00:22:38,355
we're nice or mean to celebrities,
725
00:22:38,356 --> 00:22:39,456
it's just the way it is.
726
00:22:39,457 --> 00:22:40,624
It has to do with the fact
727
00:22:40,625 --> 00:22:42,194
that nobody knows who we are.
728
00:22:42,195 --> 00:22:44,262
Hey!
729
00:22:44,263 --> 00:22:45,363
Billy, isn't it?
730
00:22:45,364 --> 00:22:47,031
Oh, my God.
731
00:22:47,032 --> 00:22:48,098
Oh, my God, Martin Short.
732
00:22:48,099 --> 00:22:49,401
Gee, your taller in person.
733
00:22:49,402 --> 00:22:51,002
I-- I'm very tall.
734
00:22:51,003 --> 00:22:53,003
Oh, my God, yes, I'm Billy Epstein.
735
00:22:53,004 --> 00:22:54,071
How do you know who I am?
736
00:22:54,072 --> 00:22:55,739
I'm a huge fan of yours
and you recognizing me
737
00:22:55,740 --> 00:22:57,140
is changing my entire night.
738
00:22:57,141 --> 00:22:59,042
Yeah, you were at Abra Cadouglas's show.
739
00:22:59,043 --> 00:23:00,244
- Were you just there?
- Yes!
740
00:23:00,245 --> 00:23:01,378
Oh, my God, that's crazy.
741
00:23:01,379 --> 00:23:03,180
And-- what, you know
my stand-up or something?
742
00:23:03,181 --> 00:23:04,681
No, no, I've never seen it.
743
00:23:04,682 --> 00:23:06,583
I can't imagine you'd have a stand-up.
744
00:23:06,584 --> 00:23:08,118
If you do, you shouldn't.
745
00:23:08,119 --> 00:23:09,386
You were just this awkward guy
746
00:23:09,387 --> 00:23:10,456
that they brought up and kind of made
747
00:23:10,457 --> 00:23:12,023
a goof of himself.
748
00:23:12,024 --> 00:23:13,590
Gee, you have no charisma,
749
00:23:13,591 --> 00:23:15,325
but I think that's maybe your strength.
750
00:23:15,326 --> 00:23:17,060
I don't know, but it was
fun for us to watch.
751
00:23:17,061 --> 00:23:18,631
Hey, you know, you remind me
752
00:23:18,632 --> 00:23:21,666
of a young Shari Lewis.
753
00:23:21,667 --> 00:23:23,234
- Jerry Lewis.
- Okay.
754
00:23:23,235 --> 00:23:25,369
Yeah, anyway, 'cause you're like--
755
00:23:25,370 --> 00:23:26,639
You got the big teeth.
756
00:23:26,640 --> 00:23:29,008
Anyway, good to see ya.
757
00:23:31,414 --> 00:23:35,013
Sync and corrections by n17t01
www.MY-SUBS.com
52223
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