All language subtitles for Difficult.people.S01E02

So we're in LA and we're in an elevator.

In one of those condos that people

rent out for pilot season.

Yeah, the ones where the bathrooms

are basically coated

so it's easier to wash off suicide blood.

And all of a sudden we hear,

"Hold the door!"

and into the elevator runs these

three rats in Swarovski crystal collars.

- Chihuahuas.
- And then,

as if summoned by some higher power,

the dark silhouette of their owner

enters the frame.

And it's Katharine McPhee.

(man coughing)

From "Smash."

"American Idol"?

_

Hour two of us stuck in an elevator...

- ...with Katharine McPhee.
- Yes.

_

We've eaten all of
Katharine McPhee's food.

_

- The end.
- Thank you.

Okay, great, thanks, guys.

(scattered applause)

Right on, right on, good stuff.

Guys, the next story teller

coming to the stage is a favorite

here at The Caterpillar.

Welcome Andrea Mumford!

(applause, cheering)

Thank you.

(cheering)

When my uncle molested me

the first time,

I thought he was joking.

Sync and corrections by n17t01
www.addic7ed.com

Most people bring flowers

to their mother's funeral,

I brought a lifetime of bad choices.

She got applause before she even started.

We were up there for 17
minutes and nothing.

Maybe we should rethink this whole

story telling thing.

No, we're gonna crack it.

Julie, we've tried three stories here

and every time, nothing.

It's like my dick with women.

At this point I'd be okay

if they even booed us.

Yeah, like my dick with women.

- Shh.
- Ohh, excuse me!

The show's over there!

The show's in the other direction.

Who have you been stuck
in the elevator with?

Nobody!

And that is when I learned

to accept my HIV

and my AIDS.

Thank you.

(applause, cheering)

I mean, she's-- she's fine.

She knows what she's doing.

♪

Where's Billy?

Hello, Mom.

And Mom's breasts.

This is why I wanted Billy.

Gay men understand the value

of a makeover.

That very well may be,

but he's at an audition right now.

Must be nice.

Well, how are you gonna carry

all this stuff out?

Well, I guess I could call Arthur,

but he has arms like Lincoln Logs.

And of course your father,

he's at a convention in Houston.

I swear he plans his trips

just to avoid my crises.

Can I carry this off?

Mom, what's going on?

I wasn't asked to speak

at the psych convention this year.

They said this year they're looking

for fresh voices.

Oh, I'm sorry, Mom.

Fuck them.

Don't be crude.

But thank you.

And yes, fuck them!

I just feel I need to do something

to make myself seem younger.

And I refuse to look like

those "Real Housewives"

with all that crazy plastic surgery.

Oh, why can't women age gracefully,

like Jane Fonda or Jessica Lange?

I hate to break it to you, Mom,

but those women have probably had

as much surgery as the Real Housewives,

it's just better work.

Well, still,

I'm not gonna cut my face up

just for the approval of society.

Look at you, all feminist.

Now, those Housewives skanks,

they deserve to look crazy.

It's their punishment for being

such needy whores.

And there's the mom I have.

All right, carry as much as you can.

I gotta clean this place up

before my seven o'clock.

She's a compulsive spender,

I don't want this to be a trigger.

Oh hey, are those my high school journals?

I don't know, they were

holding up my shoe caddy.

Oh, Brian Walsh.

You mean that alcoholic

from the Eagles?

It's this kid I was in love with

in high school and he ignored me

and that made me more obsessed with him.

God, I guess even back then

I was chasing approval from someone

I'd never get it from.

I have been blessed with a figure

that can wear anything.

♪

Okay, so, Billy?

Yes, Epstein.

I know, a Jew in comedy.

How will I ever defy the odds

and make it?

That's hilarious.

So, we're remaking "Vice Versa."

Father and son switch bodies.

For this scene, you're playing

a grown man with the mind

of a 13-year-old boy.

Oh wow, imagine being a
Comedy Central executive

and being like that every day.

That's hilarious.

- So, you feel ready?
- Oh yeah, sure.

- Let's do it.
- Okay, great, let's read.

Hey Dad, watch this layup.

Oh, damn it, see?

I'm never gonna make the team.

Chin up, kiddo, just keep practicing.

Here, watch me.

I'll never be a basketball
player like you,

I'll never make the team.

Okay, thank you. Have a good day.

Sorry, do you want me
to do it differently?

No, thank you. It was nice meeting you.

I gotta do it one more time,

just one more time.

You know, I just--

Tell me what you want.

I just didn't believe you.

Didn't believe me doing what?

I didn't believe that you had

an emotional connection

with your father.

Well, my dad's dead.

(laughs)
That's funny.

No, he really is dead.

But, you know, that's not why

I didn't have an emotional connection.

I mean, you can have an
emotional connection

to a dead person,

it's just that sometimes dads and sons,

they don't play basketball.

Listen, why don't you go home

and take a few days to research

what it's like to have a father

and come back and I'll see you again.

Oh, that would be great.

- I'd love it.
- Okay.

My dad died and I got a callback.

Finally paid off.

It's all who you know

and if you're lucky, they're dead.

Hey, isn't that the truth? Meh!

Oh boy, somebody loves pickles.

It's a Vlasic!

You're like the stork.

God, I wish, can I tell you

the trouble I've had
trying to get pregnant?

My womb's like the desert.

♪

You took me to a bowling alley

to observe fathers and sons interacting

for your "Vice Versa" callback?

Yes, I know, it's stupid,

but, I don't know,

isn't that a thing people do?

Teach their kids to bowl?

No, look around, it's, like, prostitutes

and people about to become prostitutes.

There's not a single child here.

I don't know what to do, Julie.

I can't tap into memories of my dad

because we didn't do things

like work on cars or build tree houses

or any of that Berenstain Bears shit.

Those Jewish bears did the best they could

living in that stupid tree, okay?

Either way, I have to say,

I'm very proud of you

for demanding a second chance

at your audition.

Well, thank you.

I'm very proud of myself too.

My life is going very well,

I'm at a bowling alley

about to sit down on a napkin.

I keep thinking about Brian Walsh.

I wish I could demand

a second chance from him.

Well, you should. He's your very own

James Spader in "Pretty In Pink."

Or in "Secretary,"

do you remember when he circled all

of Maggie Gyllenhaal's
typos with a Sharpie

and then bent her over his desk

and jerked off on her back?

That's like a candlelit bubble bath to me.

Look Brian up, I bet
he's fat and bald now.

Like James Spader on "The Blacklist."

Billy, I would hit Spader at any age

and you should know that by now.

Straight girls love James Spader.

I know.

I think that's disgusting.

Thank you.

Well, as long as we're here,

we should probably bowl for Columbine.

Hmm.

♪

Are you all right, Lava Lamp?

You're never on the internet this long

unless you're raging against

some comedy world injustice.

No, just come to accept

that it's Charlyne Yi's year.

What are you looking at?

I found this guy I used to have a crush on

in high school on Facebook.

- Fun.
- Kind of.

He never knew I was alive.

I find that impossible to believe.

Oh, Arthur.

Why don't you get together?

- Really?
- Sure, show him

how great you're doing.

Are you sure you'd be cool with that?

Of course! It's not like it's a date.

- It's not?
- No, no, no.

Do it here.

Have him over for a glass of wine,

I'll make quiche from scratch.

Okay, but if we do, you have to pretend

I'm really, really super successful

and I'm in an amazing relationship.

I mean, that's all true.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, sure, sure,

but you know what I mean.

You have to be all over me,

that way we can send him home

feeling bad.

I love this plan.

Look, he's in a canoe.

Good news!

Matthew went up a whole size

in a jazz shoe!

Thanks for the shopping spree, Mama D.

Did you get anything for me?

No, we didn't pass by the Salvation Army.

Ohh! Read him.

The library is open, diva!

Oh, is it open?

Library's open.

No.

No.

No. No.

What are you lookin' for, Mattie?

Something with Angela Lansbury

or Ms. Kate Capshaw.

It's that kinda day.

Welcome back to "What
Are You Going To Do?"

No, no, stop, stop!

- I love this show.
- Me too.

Why? It's a stupid, fake show.

Right? Like people would just walk past

a breastfeeding woman getting fired?

- Please!
- Man, shut up,

it's perfect.

In like half an hour, I'm gonna beat you.

- Hey, hey, hey!
- Don't touch me!

Who is this? Do you know--

The only people who will stop and do

the right thing are black men.

It's like they give us
a new test every week

and we keep winning.

Yeah, I saw someone in trouble

and I decided to help.

You know, I saw this guy

yelling at this girl--

I just like it 'cause it shows people

walking past others in need.

(clang, glass breaking)

God dammit!

Again!

This place is falling apart, girl.

I'm not your girl, I'm your boss.

Nate, take your toolbox

and go fix this light

before it falls on someone's head

and we get sued.

My hands are greasy.

Billy, will you...

No, I can't. I don't...

Big surprise.

Seriously. Open the toolbox

and pick up the power drill.

Oh! Like in "Body Double."

Melanie Griffith in that movie

was beyond.

Why don't you know how to use

a power drill?

Because my father is dead

and when he was alive, he was Jewish.

You know what?

I'm gonna teach you some fatherly shit.

Really?

(phone vibrating)

- Hey!
- Billy!

Brian Walsh is coming over.

Amazing!

I'm getting a new dad.

He's black.

Now, be careful with that,

you can electrocute yourself.

I don't know how I'm gonna fix this.

I don't know either, but we gonna try.

Now, pick up that screwdriver--

This looks a little like Shirley MacLaine.

That right? All right,
let's screw this in.

All right, I'm gonna screw it in.

Nate.

How many of those have you had?

None of 'em.

I need you to move the car.

So Billy'll do it, toss him the keys.

No, no, I don't know how to drive.

Or catch.

But I bet I can teach you both in an hour.

Can we make it 15 minutes?

I have my callback later.

Oh! That's something my dad taught me.

Haggling.

♪

_

I read online you did
Jessica Lange's neck.

Legally I'm not at liberty

to discuss Jessica Lange's neck

or Annette Benning's feet.

But I'm very good at what I do.

I want my old eyes back.

I know it's shallow.

I shouldn't even be here.

I could give you a laser lift right now.

Do you take Amex?

♪

So, I said, "No, give

that diversity scholarship

to someone more diverse than me."

And that's how "Black-ish" happened.

Cool.

I don't watch much TV.

- Oh no.
- Neither do we,

we're too busy making love.

How'd you ever resist her, Brian?

Well, to be fair, I didn't really have

much of a figure in high school.

I kind of looked like

that giant red monster
from "Looney Tunes."

You know, with the two hair humps

and the big sneakers.

But not anymore.

Man, she's really sexy, isn't she, Brian?

(kissing noises)

Nice curvy shape.

Arthur, I hate the word "curvy."

- Don't say curvy.
- Womanly.

Well, that makes me sound like Tyne Daly.

Pin up girl?

I hate that whole culture.

Kat Von D, like--

Okay, well, I just think
you're really sexy.

I mean, isn't she, Brian?

Yeah.

Totally sexy.

Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

(stuttering)

That's my bad.

You kept saying how hot she was

and grabbing her.

I figured you wanted a three-way.

What?

No!

Now, Arthur, let's not be hasty.

♪

Tell me this was the upholstery

it came with, not a choice you made.

Focus. All right, hands on 12 and 4.

- 12 and 4.
- Or 11 and 3.

Or 10 and--

Know what? Fuck the clock.

Wherever your hands feel comfortable.

You know, instead of "Vice Versa,"

I wish this was an audition for Vice.

I don't know anything about dads and sons,

but I could definitely
grow some hipster beard

and investigate the Green Party.

Arthur, this guy ignored me

all through high school,

and having sex with someone

is the cure for being ignored.

And other slutty things performers say.

I am not okay with letting you

have sex with another man in our bed.

Us! Us having sex

with another man in our bed.

Have some more rosĂŠ.

Uh, I can leave if this is weird--

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

No, no, no, stay where you are.

Unless you wanna take a shower.

Do you wanna take a shower?

Am I the only one who's tense?

Let's massage each other.

Corn Cob.

Listen, Arthur,

I know this wasn't planned,

but how often do three-ways

with this particular ratio come along,

with two guys and a girl?

You mean a devil's three-way,

that's what it's called, you know?

Listen, we're never gonna have a sexist

three-way with two girls and one guy.

Because I strongly believe in my heart

that men have enough privilege as it is

in this society.

Oh, would you just stop being

so homophobic about this?

You think I'm being homophobic because

I don't wanna take turns fucking you?

This is not a high traffic bakery,

I shouldn't have to take a number.

Ooo! Nice headphones.

Oh, thanks, they're noise cancelling.

Nice.

See? You like him too!

Arthur, I love you.

This is important to me.

If it gets weird, can we stop?

Probably.

Brian!

We're ready.

All right.

You sure you wanna go through with this?

Are you sure you wanna
go through with this?

Now, are you sure you wanna

go through with this?

(all)
Yes.

(car engine starting)

Okay, great.

Now just keep up on the brake,

you don't need to hit the gas for this.

Look at you.

I'm proud of you, man.

You took a risk and you're killin' it.

(sighs)

- You okay?
- I'm fine.

I just haven't heard somebody say

he's proud of me in a while.

- Sorry.
- No, it's all right.

Be emotional.

You know, I think this
remake of "Vice Versa"

is reminding me of
something very important.

I miss my dad.

I wish I would have met him.

Oh, he would have hated you.

(laughing)

Yo, yo, look out!

(crash, tires screeching)

What happened?

You got distracted and you hit something!

You gave me permission to be emotional.

Just get outta the van, man.

- What?
- Get out of the van!

Shhh. What the hell?

Oh my God!

Oh my--
oh my God!

What--
what is it? What is it?

- Oh my God.
- What is it, man?

It's bad, the bike is all smashed.

What? We hit a cyclist?

Not just any cyclist,

we hit David Byrne,

from The Talking Heads.

(groaning in pain)

I can't believe I hit David Byrne.

Who the hell is David Byrnes?

David Byrne!

He was the lead singer
of The Talking Heads!

Is! Is the lead singer!

He's still alive.

Okay, that was my next question.

Yes. I think he's okay.

I mean, some of his recent stuff

has been pretty pretentious,

but he gets a lifetime pass

for "Stop Making Sense."

I mean, he's one of those,
like, ugly guys that

- ...Julie likes to fuck.
- Stop talking.

I need you to drive off

before somebody gets my license plate.

What? This is a crime scene.

I don't care! I'm not
gonna be the black man

who killed David Byrnes.

Oh, really? What happened to, uh,

black guys always do the right thing?

Like on "What Are You Going To Do?"

That is a TV show called

"What Are You Going To Do?"

Oh, is that a TV show?

Oh really? Oh, I thought it was real life.

This is a show on real life

called "What I'm Gonna Do Right Now."

- And you say he's okay?
- Can you believe that?

Seriously?

I need you to put your foot

on the gas.

Well, I am sure glad Dr. Cornel West

isn't around to see this.

Hey! You just can't drive off, man!

This is not right.

You are not the boss of me.

Oh really?

I'm shocked and disappointed.

Oh, are you, Dad?

Oh my God, oh my God!

We're vice-versaing!

This is it. Yes.

This is what I wanted to do.
Judge Reinhold,

Fred Savage, we're doing it!

Yes, dad and son! It's all happening.

Oh shit, I have my callback

in 15 minutes.

Fuck David Byrne, I gotta act.

♪

Should we get started or...

I thought we did start.

(clears throat)

Brian, did you get enough quiche?

Yes, everything was delicious, thanks.

I used French butter.

(clears throat)

- Ow, ow, my leg.
- Sorry.

It's okay, it's okay,

it's just my leg.

Come here.

(dogs barking)

Shut up, Senator Jelly Beans!

- Shut up, Greg!
- Put a sock in it!

(barking stops)

So...

I have a pitch.

Hi. Billy Epstein.

Am I late for my audition?

Almost, I have to be
at my fertility doctor

in 25 minutes and she's in Syosset.

Okay, well, I spent the day

with an amazing father figure

and I have this role figured out.

- Oh, thanks.
- There he is.

That's the guy who hit David Byrnes.

That's the guy who hit what now?

No, officer, it was my fault.

Absolutely not. This is your guy.

Step outside with me for a minute, son.

No, no, no, officer, please.

- No, he was fine.
- Outside.

- I saw the man get up.
- Let's go.

No, please, I just-- please!

Can I come back tomorrow?

No way.

You're either in a family film

or you're a criminal.

You got the part, let's go.

I learned that on "A Dolphin's Tale"

and I'm not making that
fucking mistake again.

Please, this is ridiculous!

I teach improv!

Noodles, that was perfect.

- Brilliant idea.
- I'm glad you approve.

Brian? Any notes?

You guys both did great.

You seem to take care of your bodies.

Do we seem like nice people?

- Totally.
- Hey,

why did you ignore me in high school?

'Cause I was high all the time.

You feel better, Noodles?

You know, I actually do.

(crunching)

I'm sorry, are you eating potato chips?

Yeah.

(telephone ringing)

It's my mom, calling late.

Somebody's probably dead.

God, I hope it's my Aunt Bonnie.

- Hey, Mom?
- Oh, Julie, oh!

What's wrong?

Mom.

Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom!

Oh, Julie!

Oh, Julie, thank God you're here.

What happened to your eyes?

Oh, I got some kind of laser lift thing.

Oh, Marilyn, you're already so beautiful.

Shut up, Arthur.

Now that I'm blind I can smell

your liquor breath even more.

Point me to the couch.

- Okay, it's behind you.
- Come on, here we go.

You have the wrong ins--
okay.

Why didn't you tell me about this?

I was embarrassed.

Now my eyes are all swollen,

I'm gonna heal terribly.

I'm gonna end up looking like

Marty fucking Feldman.

If I look crazy, I deserve to.

Mom, there's no morality to this thing.

If you look your age, you're lazy.

If you've had noticeable plastic surgery,

you're shallow.

Women over 20 can't win

no matter what.

- Mom, are you sleeping?
- No.

No, my mind began to wander

when you started to generalize

and then I dozed off.

Oh...

I'm glad you came.

(telephone ringing)

What is this, the night

of late night phone calls?

This better be Aunt Bonnie

fucking dead.

I hope tonight's the night.

It's Billy.

Hello?

What?

So David Byrne is okay?

Yes, David Byrne is fine.

Alive and well and ready to make music

that reminds us he used to be good.

If you don't mind me saying so,

this has been one crazy night.

Well, I'm sorry,

did you or did you not

have a three-way tonight?

Kind of. I mean,

I didn't get spit-roasted

or anything-- I know,

perchance to dream.

Back on the bucket list it goes.

Did it help?

Eh, I still want approval from strangers.

Sorry you didn't get your part.

But on the bright side,

maybe you have a new father figure.

Yeah, I'd rather have

approval from strangers.

♪

How are we gonna ask him to leave?

Just like that.

I couldn't believe he fell asleep.

Me neither.

What if he wants to do it again?

I think it was a one-and-done for me.

So we'll just deal with it in the morning?

I'm not making him breakfast.

Well, nothing fancier than a hot cereal

and a French press.

Oh my God.

He robbed us.

♪

Okay.

Did you guys have a devil's three-way

in here?

What? No.

- I'm sorry?
- Excuse me?

- Why would you even ask--
- Okay, okay,

let's just start from the beginning.

Okay.

I decided to track down a guy

from high school that I always chased

because he was so aloof.

Meanwhile, across town,

a casting director was asking me

very politely to leave the premises

and I was positive

David Byrne had died.

But, I got the feedback I was after.

And back in the apartment,

under the dreamy gaze of the former crush

who robbed me blind,

I looked over at my boyfriend

and I realized,

to appreciate the approval

of the one who already chose you,

sometimes you have to
bring in an audience.

And other slutty things performers say.

(laughter, applause)

- Thank you.
- Thank you.

(whooping)

- Well, that was fun.
- Yeah.

But is it just me or did that room change?

Yeah, that story telling night

used to be a lot cooler.

I know, now it's so lame.

We shouldn't do it anymore.

I was thinking that,
we're too good for that.

I love how we can admit we're wrong now.

- Totally.
- I like new us.

I love new us.

...gonna have to let you go.

What? Let me go? For what reason?

Tonight on "What Are You Going To Do?"

There's no breastfeeding at work!

You're fired!

When you think no one's looking...

You can't fire me for
breastfeeding at work!

- ...we are.
- I'm not going anywhere!

This is my legal right!

You know what I want?

A grilled cheese.

Oh, I would love a cheeseburger.

Sync and corrections by n17t01
www.addic7ed.com