Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:01,668 --> 00:00:03,001
Excuse me, I have--
2
00:00:03,002 --> 00:00:04,671
...theater tickets, I'm seeing a matinee.
3
00:00:04,672 --> 00:00:05,871
Oh, Jesus!
4
00:00:05,871 --> 00:00:06,938
That's gonna be a great photo.
5
00:00:06,939 --> 00:00:08,272
Take a picture of a cab.
6
00:00:08,273 --> 00:00:09,840
Why don't you watch where you're going?
7
00:00:09,841 --> 00:00:12,043
Miss Redhead, could you take our picture?
8
00:00:12,044 --> 00:00:13,945
Do you know where I catch the M34A?
9
00:00:13,946 --> 00:00:14,978
No, I'm not touching that camera.
10
00:00:14,979 --> 00:00:16,180
I don't want swine flu.
11
00:00:16,181 --> 00:00:17,882
I don't know. Who takes the bus?
12
00:00:17,883 --> 00:00:20,086
Okay, but, please, can you tell us
13
00:00:20,087 --> 00:00:21,986
how can we get to 9/11?
14
00:00:21,988 --> 00:00:23,821
Hi, do you have a minute for gay rights?
15
00:00:23,822 --> 00:00:25,191
- Rashes.
- Gay rights?
16
00:00:25,192 --> 00:00:26,425
I've done plenty
17
00:00:26,426 --> 00:00:27,925
and took diminishing returns.
18
00:00:27,926 --> 00:00:29,460
Which way is the farmers' market?
19
00:00:29,461 --> 00:00:31,197
What more do you fucking want from me?
20
00:00:31,198 --> 00:00:32,497
- Oh!
- Idiot!
21
00:00:32,498 --> 00:00:34,300
My God, you're a grown man on a bike!
22
00:00:34,301 --> 00:00:38,300
Sync by zep73
Corrections by n17t01
www.addic7ed.com
23
00:00:38,738 --> 00:00:40,771
Hi. Are you ready for "Annie"?
24
00:00:40,772 --> 00:00:43,006
How dare you ask me
something so redundant.
25
00:00:43,007 --> 00:00:44,944
Just a second, I have
to finish this tweet.
26
00:00:44,945 --> 00:00:48,944
"'Til Blue Ivy is old enough to..."
27
00:00:50,282 --> 00:00:53,151
- Send.
- That's very funny.
28
00:00:53,152 --> 00:00:55,821
Thank you. I love "Annie."
29
00:00:55,822 --> 00:00:57,788
Isn't it funny how FDR is a total hero
30
00:00:57,789 --> 00:00:59,022
in this play even though in real life
31
00:00:59,024 --> 00:01:00,358
he let millions of Jews die?
32
00:01:00,359 --> 00:01:02,025
Hilarious. I love that we has born
33
00:01:02,027 --> 00:01:03,427
during a time when handicapped people
34
00:01:03,428 --> 00:01:05,796
still had to wear blankets on their laps.
35
00:01:05,797 --> 00:01:07,299
Have you heard from Josh?
36
00:01:07,301 --> 00:01:09,868
Nope, and it's been over a week
37
00:01:09,869 --> 00:01:10,936
and we are done.
38
00:01:10,938 --> 00:01:13,405
Oh, I'm so sorry, Billy.
39
00:01:13,406 --> 00:01:15,340
I'm actually very upset.
40
00:01:15,341 --> 00:01:17,176
- Josh was so hot.
- Yeah.
41
00:01:17,177 --> 00:01:18,343
And not a moron.
42
00:01:18,344 --> 00:01:19,710
Well, if he broke up with you,
43
00:01:19,711 --> 00:01:20,811
clearly he is a moron.
44
00:01:20,812 --> 00:01:21,914
By the way, your Real Housewives
45
00:01:21,915 --> 00:01:23,715
recap today was hilarious.
46
00:01:23,716 --> 00:01:25,149
- Oh, thank you.
- We were dying.
47
00:01:25,150 --> 00:01:26,250
God, I'm so funny when I write
48
00:01:26,251 --> 00:01:27,818
mean things about TV shows.
49
00:01:27,819 --> 00:01:29,186
How come no one's hired
me to write for one?
50
00:01:29,187 --> 00:01:30,388
Because our lives are garbage
51
00:01:30,389 --> 00:01:31,991
and it's the world's fault?
52
00:01:33,192 --> 00:01:35,394
I hate this time of year.
53
00:01:35,395 --> 00:01:36,929
My light spring jacket is soaked
54
00:01:36,930 --> 00:01:38,864
with both pollen and snow.
55
00:01:38,864 --> 00:01:40,398
I wish I never had to go outside.
56
00:01:40,399 --> 00:01:41,399
Well, that's why I've always been
57
00:01:41,400 --> 00:01:42,366
an indoors kid.
58
00:01:42,367 --> 00:01:43,934
I used to spend every recess
59
00:01:43,935 --> 00:01:45,169
in the school library,
60
00:01:45,170 --> 00:01:46,472
even when it was beautiful outside.
61
00:01:46,473 --> 00:01:48,006
That's adorable.
62
00:01:48,007 --> 00:01:49,240
I have such fond memories
63
00:01:49,240 --> 00:01:51,344
about the water fountain in that library.
64
00:01:51,345 --> 00:01:53,879
It had the most delicious water.
65
00:01:53,879 --> 00:01:55,846
That is so weird because my school library
66
00:01:55,847 --> 00:01:58,049
had an incredible water fountain also.
67
00:01:58,050 --> 00:01:59,419
You know what'd be smart?
68
00:01:59,420 --> 00:02:01,387
What if we went into--
69
00:02:03,756 --> 00:02:04,890
Oh God.
70
00:02:04,890 --> 00:02:06,426
What if we went into business
71
00:02:06,427 --> 00:02:09,861
selling bottled library
water fountain water?
72
00:02:09,862 --> 00:02:11,361
Okay, this is gonna sound insane,
73
00:02:11,363 --> 00:02:13,130
but I met somebody who sells water
74
00:02:13,131 --> 00:02:14,667
in milk cartons as an alternative
75
00:02:14,668 --> 00:02:15,900
to bottled water.
76
00:02:15,901 --> 00:02:17,301
It's like good for the environment.
77
00:02:17,302 --> 00:02:18,936
Doesn't the water inside taste like milk?
78
00:02:18,937 --> 00:02:20,707
- I don't think so.
- Seems like it would.
79
00:02:22,108 --> 00:02:23,810
God, I hate the sound
of children laughing.
80
00:02:23,811 --> 00:02:25,377
Oh shit!
81
00:02:25,378 --> 00:02:27,277
Annie is an understudy today
82
00:02:27,278 --> 00:02:29,180
and her name is Taylor. This generation!
83
00:02:29,181 --> 00:02:31,148
I swear to God, if she blows this role
84
00:02:31,149 --> 00:02:32,249
I will strap down my tits
85
00:02:32,250 --> 00:02:33,351
and get up on that stage.
86
00:02:33,352 --> 00:02:35,021
Excuse me, could you please
87
00:02:35,022 --> 00:02:37,055
watch your language?
88
00:02:37,056 --> 00:02:39,157
Oh my God, I am so so--
89
00:02:39,158 --> 00:02:40,157
- Miss, miss.
- Yes?
90
00:02:40,158 --> 00:02:41,392
- I am so sorry.
- It's okay.
91
00:02:41,393 --> 00:02:43,427
We can't do that at all.
Not gonna do that.
92
00:02:43,428 --> 00:02:44,895
I'm sorry, I think you can.
93
00:02:44,896 --> 00:02:46,964
- We're seeing "Annie."
- I paid $120,
94
00:02:46,965 --> 00:02:48,368
I can say "shit" if I want to.
95
00:02:48,369 --> 00:02:50,035
You-- hey!
96
00:02:50,036 --> 00:02:51,769
- Hey, hey.
- "Hey, hey."
97
00:02:51,770 --> 00:02:53,704
I would pay $120 for both of you
98
00:02:53,705 --> 00:02:54,938
to leave right now.
99
00:02:54,939 --> 00:02:56,107
This is a public place, and you know what?
100
00:02:56,108 --> 00:02:57,441
We're not seeing the real Annie.
101
00:02:57,442 --> 00:02:58,909
You're not seeing the real Annie today.
102
00:02:58,910 --> 00:03:00,144
Do not talk to my children.
103
00:03:00,145 --> 00:03:01,311
Do you know what an understudy is?
104
00:03:01,312 --> 00:03:03,147
You are terrifying my children.
105
00:03:03,148 --> 00:03:04,448
- Terrifying?
- You are terrifying.
106
00:03:04,449 --> 00:03:05,816
I told them a fact of life.
107
00:03:05,817 --> 00:03:07,050
You're a terrifying person.
108
00:03:07,052 --> 00:03:08,386
Nobody wants to see an understudy.
109
00:03:08,387 --> 00:03:09,953
- You don't know me.
- I do know you.
110
00:03:09,954 --> 00:03:11,989
An understudy, it's like a fancy word
111
00:03:11,990 --> 00:03:13,159
for disappointment.
112
00:03:23,271 --> 00:03:25,873
Hi, babies! Hi, angels.
113
00:03:25,873 --> 00:03:26,740
Hi, Noodles.
114
00:03:26,741 --> 00:03:28,041
Hello, Arthur.
115
00:03:28,042 --> 00:03:29,809
- What are you slicing?
- A quince.
116
00:03:29,810 --> 00:03:31,444
It's like an apple combined with a pear.
117
00:03:31,445 --> 00:03:33,045
Somebody at the office
wrote a book about them.
118
00:03:33,046 --> 00:03:34,747
Really? Somebody in public television
119
00:03:34,748 --> 00:03:36,451
wrote a book about something boring?
120
00:03:36,452 --> 00:03:37,751
Oh, you.
121
00:03:37,752 --> 00:03:39,051
Here, I made you a plate.
122
00:03:39,052 --> 00:03:40,787
Thank you, but you know
how I feel about fruit
123
00:03:40,788 --> 00:03:43,124
that's not in proximity to crust or cream.
124
00:03:43,125 --> 00:03:44,825
Oh.
125
00:03:44,826 --> 00:03:47,093
Hey, you know Gabby's
Oscar party this Sunday?
126
00:03:47,094 --> 00:03:48,461
I've been thinking about it
127
00:03:48,462 --> 00:03:50,396
and I think it'd be
better if I stayed home
128
00:03:50,397 --> 00:03:51,864
and live-tweeted the Oscars
129
00:03:51,865 --> 00:03:53,266
in my pajamas instead.
130
00:03:53,266 --> 00:03:55,336
Gabby's my boss, she's a big deal at PBS.
131
00:03:55,337 --> 00:03:56,870
Come on, Cara seed.
132
00:03:56,871 --> 00:03:58,306
I ask so little of you.
133
00:03:58,307 --> 00:04:01,341
I know, that's why we work.
134
00:04:02,811 --> 00:04:04,911
- Uh-oh.
- What?
135
00:04:04,912 --> 00:04:06,779
I tweeted something about Blue Ivy earlier
136
00:04:06,780 --> 00:04:09,150
and now the internet's
being really mean to me.
137
00:04:09,151 --> 00:04:10,951
"Unfollow, kill yourself."
138
00:04:10,952 --> 00:04:13,954
From SpinClassAddict91. Oh my God,
139
00:04:13,955 --> 00:04:15,457
that's probably the year she was born.
140
00:04:15,458 --> 00:04:17,024
What was the joke?
141
00:04:17,025 --> 00:04:18,691
"I can't wait for Blue
Ivy to be old enough
142
00:04:18,692 --> 00:04:20,328
for R. Kelly to piss on her."
143
00:04:20,329 --> 00:04:22,396
- Ah-ha.
- I hate this!
144
00:04:22,397 --> 00:04:23,830
I hate fighting with people.
145
00:04:23,831 --> 00:04:25,198
I just like saying something crazy
146
00:04:25,199 --> 00:04:26,866
and then leaving the room.
147
00:04:26,867 --> 00:04:28,267
Unless people like what I say
148
00:04:28,268 --> 00:04:29,671
and then I stay in the room.
149
00:04:29,672 --> 00:04:31,872
I know, I've met you before.
150
00:04:31,873 --> 00:04:34,108
I'm gonna delete this piss-baby tweet.
151
00:04:39,280 --> 00:04:41,882
I want the fries but I think I should
152
00:04:41,883 --> 00:04:44,251
just get the salad instead.
153
00:04:44,252 --> 00:04:46,720
I'll be good.
154
00:04:46,721 --> 00:04:47,888
Hello?
155
00:04:47,889 --> 00:04:48,988
How can you think about food?
156
00:04:48,989 --> 00:04:49,989
Huffington Post just tweeted about
157
00:04:49,990 --> 00:04:51,290
what George and Amal Clooney
158
00:04:51,291 --> 00:04:53,094
would look like as Simpsons characters.
159
00:04:53,095 --> 00:04:54,461
Come on.
160
00:04:54,462 --> 00:04:56,029
No.
161
00:04:56,030 --> 00:04:57,931
Hey Billy, you okay?
162
00:04:57,932 --> 00:04:59,166
I'm fine.
163
00:04:59,167 --> 00:05:00,433
I mean, you know, I'm in my mid thirties,
164
00:05:00,434 --> 00:05:02,368
I am waiting tables-- poorly--
165
00:05:02,369 --> 00:05:04,038
I spent the better part of last night
166
00:05:04,039 --> 00:05:05,706
Facebook stalking my ex,
167
00:05:05,707 --> 00:05:07,706
and according to NCI-
whatever the fuck it is,
168
00:05:07,708 --> 00:05:09,341
even Linda Hunt is more castable than me,
169
00:05:09,342 --> 00:05:10,945
so I'm doing great, thanks so much.
170
00:05:10,946 --> 00:05:13,246
Oh, thank you, sweet Matthew,
171
00:05:13,247 --> 00:05:15,781
for another morning full
of wonderful memories.
172
00:05:15,782 --> 00:05:17,083
Hey, where you guys been?
173
00:05:17,084 --> 00:05:18,050
Where have you been? I've been covering
174
00:05:18,051 --> 00:05:19,185
the whole place by myself.
175
00:05:19,186 --> 00:05:20,352
We had to get outfits
176
00:05:20,354 --> 00:05:22,357
for our mother/son photo shoot.
177
00:05:22,358 --> 00:05:25,158
Oh, sad, old Billy.
178
00:05:25,159 --> 00:05:26,794
He only ever gets to go shopping
179
00:05:26,795 --> 00:05:29,963
for antidepressants and Metamucil wafers.
180
00:05:29,964 --> 00:05:31,030
You know what, Matthew?
181
00:05:31,031 --> 00:05:32,064
Sometimes when I hear you speak,
182
00:05:32,065 --> 00:05:33,065
I think I should join
183
00:05:33,066 --> 00:05:34,400
the Westboro Baptist Church.
184
00:05:34,401 --> 00:05:35,668
Ever since I was told
185
00:05:35,669 --> 00:05:36,969
that I couldn't have children...
186
00:05:36,970 --> 00:05:39,071
- By yourself.
- ...because I hate them,
187
00:05:39,072 --> 00:05:40,773
I've only been sad about not having
188
00:05:40,774 --> 00:05:42,975
mother/son photos and matching outfits.
189
00:05:42,976 --> 00:05:44,443
Oh, that's when I told diva here
190
00:05:44,444 --> 00:05:46,047
that we may not be blood,
191
00:05:46,048 --> 00:05:48,181
but we are family.
192
00:05:48,182 --> 00:05:50,717
Oh, sing, bird, sing!
193
00:05:50,718 --> 00:05:51,852
You go, girl!
194
00:05:51,853 --> 00:05:53,388
Uh, uh, uh, uh, it is Denise.
195
00:05:53,389 --> 00:05:55,789
No, baby, go easy on Billy today.
196
00:05:55,790 --> 00:05:57,056
Josh just broke up with him.
197
00:05:57,057 --> 00:05:58,424
That's the guy that's cute and sweet
198
00:05:58,425 --> 00:05:59,959
in a Paul Rudd-ish way.
199
00:05:59,960 --> 00:06:01,427
- And that's rare.
- We all got problems,
200
00:06:01,428 --> 00:06:02,964
get your ass back to work.
201
00:06:02,965 --> 00:06:05,065
And you, I got a gift for you.
202
00:06:05,066 --> 00:06:07,467
- Oh yeah?
- Mm-hm.
203
00:06:07,468 --> 00:06:10,203
I'm sorry, does anybody work here?
204
00:06:10,204 --> 00:06:11,704
Oh yeah, I'll be back to help you
205
00:06:11,705 --> 00:06:13,274
and the rest of the Traveling Wilburys
206
00:06:13,275 --> 00:06:14,842
in a second.
207
00:06:20,682 --> 00:06:22,783
- Hi, Mom.
- Hi!
208
00:06:22,784 --> 00:06:25,819
Don't you look pretty when you smile?
209
00:06:25,820 --> 00:06:28,055
Aww!
210
00:06:28,056 --> 00:06:30,156
Honey, do you know this Lena Dunham?
211
00:06:30,157 --> 00:06:31,223
Yeah, actually, um...
212
00:06:31,224 --> 00:06:32,858
Apparently she's doing great;
213
00:06:32,859 --> 00:06:34,195
she's younger than you.
214
00:06:34,196 --> 00:06:35,362
She has tattoos.
215
00:06:35,363 --> 00:06:36,729
Anyway, this article says
216
00:06:36,730 --> 00:06:38,032
it is a great time now
217
00:06:38,033 --> 00:06:40,133
for women in comedy.
218
00:06:40,134 --> 00:06:42,001
That's very helpful. Thanks, Mom.
219
00:06:42,002 --> 00:06:43,938
So, aren't you gonna ask me if I finished
220
00:06:43,939 --> 00:06:45,906
my hypnosis course?
221
00:06:45,907 --> 00:06:48,207
Wow, that would have been a breakneck pace
222
00:06:48,208 --> 00:06:49,375
for a change of subjects
223
00:06:49,376 --> 00:06:50,845
if both subjects weren't you.
224
00:06:50,846 --> 00:06:53,046
I finished my hypnosis course.
225
00:06:53,047 --> 00:06:54,747
When can I practice on you?
226
00:06:54,748 --> 00:06:56,082
You're not hypnotizing me.
227
00:06:56,083 --> 00:06:57,750
It's not like I tell you you're a chicken
228
00:06:57,751 --> 00:06:59,187
and then you act like a chicken.
229
00:06:59,188 --> 00:07:00,921
That very well may be,
230
00:07:00,922 --> 00:07:02,321
but I still don't want you to do it.
231
00:07:02,322 --> 00:07:03,791
You're lucky to have a mom
232
00:07:03,792 --> 00:07:05,125
who's a shrink.
233
00:07:05,126 --> 00:07:06,728
Yes, I'm a walking gratitude list.
234
00:07:06,729 --> 00:07:07,761
Yeah.
235
00:07:07,762 --> 00:07:08,861
I asked for sparkling.
236
00:07:08,862 --> 00:07:10,329
- How's Billy?
- He's good.
237
00:07:10,330 --> 00:07:11,931
You know, he is just getting over
238
00:07:11,932 --> 00:07:13,132
this guy is the only thing.
239
00:07:13,133 --> 00:07:14,235
Josh. I don't know if you met him.
240
00:07:14,236 --> 00:07:16,436
- I can hypnotize him.
- Hm.
241
00:07:16,437 --> 00:07:18,070
It's not like I tell him he's a chicken
242
00:07:18,071 --> 00:07:20,008
then all of a sudden he becomes a chicken
243
00:07:20,009 --> 00:07:21,475
or something.
244
00:07:21,476 --> 00:07:23,309
Did you get that article I sent you
245
00:07:23,310 --> 00:07:25,146
about Palestine because I'm about
246
00:07:25,147 --> 00:07:26,880
to resend it.
247
00:07:26,881 --> 00:07:28,415
There we are.
248
00:07:28,416 --> 00:07:29,916
What else?
249
00:07:35,423 --> 00:07:36,791
What's more of a turn-off,
250
00:07:36,792 --> 00:07:38,859
veganism or Judaica?
251
00:07:38,860 --> 00:07:39,926
Oh, I don't know.
252
00:07:39,927 --> 00:07:40,861
Judaica.
253
00:07:40,862 --> 00:07:42,095
Yes! Yes.
254
00:07:42,096 --> 00:07:43,396
If I was going out with a guy
255
00:07:43,397 --> 00:07:44,930
and there was a big clay mezuzah
256
00:07:44,931 --> 00:07:46,465
hanging outside his place, I'd be like,
257
00:07:46,466 --> 00:07:49,068
"Is a circumcised experience worth it?"
258
00:07:49,069 --> 00:07:50,369
Is that anti-Semitic of us
259
00:07:50,370 --> 00:07:52,338
or is that not possible
because we're Jewish?
260
00:07:52,339 --> 00:07:53,973
- Oh, it's possible.
- Oh, that's right,
261
00:07:53,974 --> 00:07:55,241
'cause you hate other gay guys.
262
00:07:55,242 --> 00:07:56,811
No, I do not hate other gay people--
263
00:07:56,812 --> 00:07:58,178
yes, I do.
264
00:07:58,179 --> 00:08:00,014
I get very homophobic when I go to my gym.
265
00:08:00,015 --> 00:08:01,448
These are delicious.
266
00:08:01,449 --> 00:08:02,948
- Hi.
- Hello!
267
00:08:02,949 --> 00:08:03,983
Nice to see you again.
268
00:08:03,984 --> 00:08:05,117
Nice to see you. Remind me.
269
00:08:05,118 --> 00:08:06,852
Uh, the UCB party last week.
270
00:08:06,853 --> 00:08:07,789
- Right, yeah.
- The party.
271
00:08:07,790 --> 00:08:10,757
- I'm Julie.
- Hi.
272
00:08:10,758 --> 00:08:14,261
So, you two are in comedy.
273
00:08:14,262 --> 00:08:15,996
Yes! Unfortunately, yes.
274
00:08:15,997 --> 00:08:17,998
Nice, nice.
275
00:08:17,999 --> 00:08:19,467
Do you like Daniel Tosh?
276
00:08:22,870 --> 00:08:24,437
You know the water business, right?
277
00:08:24,438 --> 00:08:26,674
We admittedly don't know
anything about that,
278
00:08:26,675 --> 00:08:29,142
but we have an amazing idea.
279
00:08:29,143 --> 00:08:30,743
It occurred to Billy recently--
280
00:08:30,744 --> 00:08:32,244
Well, it occurred to Julie.
281
00:08:32,245 --> 00:08:33,946
Well, it occurred to both
of us at the same time--
282
00:08:33,947 --> 00:08:35,181
- It occurred to Julie.
- When this goes,
283
00:08:35,182 --> 00:08:36,415
we'll figure out the credit later.
284
00:08:36,416 --> 00:08:37,752
We're not people who argue about credits.
285
00:08:37,753 --> 00:08:39,953
It occurred to us that water
286
00:08:39,954 --> 00:08:41,287
from library water fountains
287
00:08:41,288 --> 00:08:42,722
is by far the coldest,
288
00:08:42,723 --> 00:08:44,325
most delicious water in the world.
289
00:08:44,326 --> 00:08:47,895
So, why not bottle it?
290
00:08:49,363 --> 00:08:51,165
Well, we don't bottle here.
291
00:08:51,166 --> 00:08:52,899
We're boxed water.
292
00:08:52,899 --> 00:08:54,266
Have you seen our cartons?
293
00:08:54,267 --> 00:08:56,202
They're really cool,
they're biodegradable.
294
00:08:56,203 --> 00:08:58,204
Doesn't the water inside
of those taste like milk?
295
00:08:58,205 --> 00:08:59,438
- No.
- Not even a little bit?
296
00:08:59,439 --> 00:09:00,706
Not even a little bit.
297
00:09:00,707 --> 00:09:01,442
It seems like it would.
298
00:09:01,443 --> 00:09:03,008
They're new containers,
299
00:09:03,009 --> 00:09:04,877
they're not made from recycled milk boxes.
300
00:09:04,878 --> 00:09:06,112
Still seems like the water inside
301
00:09:06,113 --> 00:09:07,949
would taste a little milky.
302
00:09:09,317 --> 00:09:12,119
Well, did you want me to sample your...
303
00:09:12,120 --> 00:09:13,421
What's it called again?
304
00:09:13,422 --> 00:09:15,756
Library water fountain water.
305
00:09:15,757 --> 00:09:17,458
We don't have any with us.
306
00:09:19,127 --> 00:09:20,160
Okay.
307
00:09:20,161 --> 00:09:21,761
Listen, this is a great idea.
308
00:09:21,762 --> 00:09:23,195
Just tap into your memories of being
309
00:09:23,196 --> 00:09:24,432
a little kid at the library,
310
00:09:24,433 --> 00:09:25,899
surrounded by books.
311
00:09:25,900 --> 00:09:27,099
Do you know what we're talking about?
312
00:09:27,100 --> 00:09:28,367
That library water fountain water,
313
00:09:28,368 --> 00:09:30,069
it's so crisp and cold and delicious
314
00:09:30,070 --> 00:09:31,737
from when you were a kid?
315
00:09:31,738 --> 00:09:33,172
Do you know what I mean?
316
00:09:33,173 --> 00:09:35,406
People don't even remember
that they love that
317
00:09:35,408 --> 00:09:37,309
but if they just had it in a bottle--
318
00:09:37,309 --> 00:09:39,378
I mean, this, no one wants to carry this--
319
00:09:39,379 --> 00:09:42,116
if they just had it in a
nice, you know, bottle,
320
00:09:42,117 --> 00:09:44,851
a plastic bottle, a glass bottle.
321
00:09:44,852 --> 00:09:46,185
He doesn't seem like a book person.
322
00:09:46,186 --> 00:09:47,320
No, you seem more like a kickball
323
00:09:47,322 --> 00:09:48,388
at recess type.
324
00:09:48,389 --> 00:09:49,455
Maybe that's what it is.
325
00:09:49,456 --> 00:09:50,856
He wasn't in the library,
326
00:09:50,857 --> 00:09:52,124
that's the problem.
327
00:09:52,125 --> 00:09:53,359
- Oh! That's what it is.
- He doesn't get it.
328
00:09:53,360 --> 00:09:55,463
Because he was the first guy picked
329
00:09:55,464 --> 00:09:56,463
for kickball.
330
00:09:56,464 --> 00:09:57,763
Exactly. We didn't--
331
00:09:57,764 --> 00:09:59,031
We didn't ever get picked.
332
00:09:59,032 --> 00:10:00,266
We're not athletic people.
333
00:10:00,267 --> 00:10:01,667
We're not, you know--
334
00:10:01,668 --> 00:10:02,768
We're not Chelsea Clinton.
335
00:10:02,769 --> 00:10:03,805
- Yeah.
- You know?
336
00:10:03,806 --> 00:10:06,106
We're barely Chelsea Handler.
337
00:10:06,107 --> 00:10:07,308
You must love her.
338
00:10:07,309 --> 00:10:10,143
"Oh, oh, she's so bad."
339
00:10:10,144 --> 00:10:12,076
- "Oh, oh!"
- "Oh, she's so naughty!"
340
00:10:12,078 --> 00:10:13,212
"No, no, she says what I think!"
341
00:10:13,213 --> 00:10:14,847
"I got drunk last night."
342
00:10:14,848 --> 00:10:16,315
- "I'm so drunk."
- "Oh, my bachelorette party!"
343
00:10:16,316 --> 00:10:17,783
"I've been so drunk for
the last five years,
344
00:10:17,784 --> 00:10:19,153
I haven't written a joke!"
345
00:10:21,189 --> 00:10:24,791
Yeah, I don't know how I can help you two.
346
00:10:24,792 --> 00:10:26,793
Put it in a bottle.
347
00:10:26,794 --> 00:10:27,793
We don't bottle here.
348
00:10:27,794 --> 00:10:29,028
Right, but you can,
349
00:10:29,029 --> 00:10:29,931
that's the whole thing.
350
00:10:29,932 --> 00:10:32,133
You know water, right?
351
00:10:33,134 --> 00:10:35,101
Are those your kids?
352
00:10:35,102 --> 00:10:39,339
Yes. That's Memphis and that's Maverick.
353
00:10:39,340 --> 00:10:41,074
What?
354
00:10:41,075 --> 00:10:42,310
The girl's name is Memphis
355
00:10:42,311 --> 00:10:45,345
and the boy's name is Maverick.
356
00:10:45,346 --> 00:10:48,013
What?
357
00:10:48,015 --> 00:10:49,183
The girl's name is Memphis
358
00:10:49,184 --> 00:10:52,219
and the boy's name is Maverick.
359
00:10:52,220 --> 00:10:53,988
- We have to go.
- We have to go.
360
00:11:02,230 --> 00:11:03,197
What are you recapping?
361
00:11:03,197 --> 00:11:05,297
Oh, "Vanderpump Rules."
362
00:11:05,298 --> 00:11:06,765
God, if these idiots were the characters
363
00:11:06,766 --> 00:11:08,000
in "Angels in America,"
364
00:11:08,001 --> 00:11:09,068
nobody would have cared
365
00:11:09,069 --> 00:11:10,302
when any of them dropped dead.
366
00:11:10,302 --> 00:11:11,971
Yeah, well, that's why Tony Kushner
367
00:11:11,972 --> 00:11:12,974
went in a different direction.
368
00:11:12,975 --> 00:11:14,306
No, no, no, no, no.
369
00:11:14,307 --> 00:11:16,309
You gotta get Julie up out of here, man.
370
00:11:16,311 --> 00:11:18,778
No, Nate, I need Julie here today.
371
00:11:18,779 --> 00:11:20,079
Josh just broke up with me and I need
372
00:11:20,080 --> 00:11:21,679
her here in case I have a feeling.
373
00:11:21,680 --> 00:11:23,148
Yeah, I'm basically like
his service rabbit.
374
00:11:23,149 --> 00:11:24,383
Oh, you know what we should do?
375
00:11:24,384 --> 00:11:26,352
We should get me a vest that says,
376
00:11:26,353 --> 00:11:27,953
"Emotional support animal.
377
00:11:27,953 --> 00:11:29,490
Do not touch or talk to.
378
00:11:29,491 --> 00:11:30,956
Please feed."
379
00:11:30,957 --> 00:11:32,157
Oh my God, I have to stop
380
00:11:32,158 --> 00:11:33,792
following Deadline on Twitter.
381
00:11:33,793 --> 00:11:35,361
- Why, what happened?
- Do you remember that girl
382
00:11:35,362 --> 00:11:37,463
Stephanie Goldstein from our improv class?
383
00:11:37,464 --> 00:11:39,798
Oh, the one that never
heard of Monty Python?
384
00:11:39,799 --> 00:11:41,435
Yeah. She just signed with CAA.
385
00:11:41,436 --> 00:11:42,469
Oh, shut up.
386
00:11:42,470 --> 00:11:43,836
It was just announced.
387
00:11:43,837 --> 00:11:45,069
When's it gonna be our turn?
388
00:11:45,071 --> 00:11:47,139
Everybody we came up with in comedy
389
00:11:47,140 --> 00:11:48,974
has either quit to start a family
390
00:11:48,974 --> 00:11:50,409
or gone on to great success
391
00:11:50,410 --> 00:11:51,844
in film and television.
392
00:11:51,845 --> 00:11:53,279
I know, and I'm sitting here,
393
00:11:53,280 --> 00:11:55,079
checking Twitter for faves and retweets
394
00:11:55,081 --> 00:11:56,815
and just keep pressing and "Who faved me?
395
00:11:56,816 --> 00:11:58,716
Who faved me? Oh, Andy Richter faved me.
396
00:11:58,717 --> 00:12:00,252
Oh, this is the best day ever."
397
00:12:00,253 --> 00:12:01,754
Like I'm fucking pressing
398
00:12:01,755 --> 00:12:03,789
for some pain medication in a hospital.
399
00:12:03,790 --> 00:12:05,291
And I'm looking for reassurance,
400
00:12:05,292 --> 00:12:07,192
that I should have probably
gotten from my mother,
401
00:12:07,193 --> 00:12:09,128
from internet commenters who say,
402
00:12:09,129 --> 00:12:10,329
"Great recap, Julie!"
403
00:12:10,330 --> 00:12:12,233
and, "Boy, that sure was good,"
404
00:12:12,234 --> 00:12:15,869
even though deep down I know that...
405
00:12:15,870 --> 00:12:17,169
I'll never be enough.
406
00:12:17,170 --> 00:12:19,104
Excuse me? Um, I hate to interrupt,
407
00:12:19,105 --> 00:12:20,906
I can tell, clearly, you're going through
408
00:12:20,907 --> 00:12:22,176
a lot here, but, um,
409
00:12:22,177 --> 00:12:23,810
could I get this to go?
410
00:12:23,811 --> 00:12:25,880
I'm late for chemo.
411
00:12:27,882 --> 00:12:30,317
Our photo shoot was on fleek.
412
00:12:30,318 --> 00:12:31,352
You were flawless.
413
00:12:31,353 --> 00:12:32,852
No, you were flawless.
414
00:12:32,853 --> 00:12:35,287
Oh, we both were gorgeous.
415
00:12:36,258 --> 00:12:37,791
Billy, get rid of her.
416
00:12:37,792 --> 00:12:38,924
I just bought a lottery ticket
417
00:12:38,925 --> 00:12:40,225
and I can't have some
418
00:12:40,226 --> 00:12:41,794
copper-topped curse hanging around.
419
00:12:41,795 --> 00:12:43,228
Denise, you have a business degree
420
00:12:43,229 --> 00:12:44,930
from Holy Cross, please stop pretending
421
00:12:44,931 --> 00:12:46,365
that you're an unreasonable person.
422
00:12:46,366 --> 00:12:47,868
Redheads are not bad luck.
423
00:12:47,869 --> 00:12:49,169
Mm-hm.
424
00:12:49,170 --> 00:12:51,205
Well, I know one person
who's clearly jinxed.
425
00:12:51,205 --> 00:12:52,472
Billy!
426
00:12:52,473 --> 00:12:54,474
Matthew, that's enough.
427
00:12:54,475 --> 00:12:56,008
Sorry that NAMBLA doesn't have
428
00:12:56,009 --> 00:12:57,142
a "Ones to Watch" section
429
00:12:57,143 --> 00:12:58,444
in their monthly newsletter
430
00:12:58,445 --> 00:13:00,815
that you could use as a press clipping.
431
00:13:02,917 --> 00:13:04,249
Oh, I forgot to mention.
432
00:13:04,250 --> 00:13:06,387
Um, when Denise and I
were walking over here,
433
00:13:06,388 --> 00:13:07,921
we saw Josh.
434
00:13:07,922 --> 00:13:09,154
He was holding hands with another guy
435
00:13:09,155 --> 00:13:11,192
and they were smiling really big.
436
00:13:15,396 --> 00:13:17,932
Do you want to take a
walk around the block?
437
00:13:17,933 --> 00:13:21,333
We can talk about Susan Sarandon.
438
00:13:21,334 --> 00:13:23,004
Beats taking deep breaths.
439
00:13:23,005 --> 00:13:25,138
Okay, ping-pong. Why?
440
00:13:25,139 --> 00:13:27,206
Well, does she still
have the ping-pong bar?
441
00:13:27,207 --> 00:13:30,009
As far as I know it's
not a pizza place yet.
442
00:13:30,010 --> 00:13:31,709
- She can do anything.
- Geena Davis.
443
00:13:31,710 --> 00:13:32,446
Do you think they're friends?
444
00:13:32,447 --> 00:13:33,914
I think they email.
445
00:13:42,024 --> 00:13:43,090
So why don't you tell me why
446
00:13:43,091 --> 00:13:44,160
you're here today, Billy.
447
00:13:44,161 --> 00:13:46,027
I'd like to eat less pasta.
448
00:13:46,028 --> 00:13:47,228
I thought there was a boy.
449
00:13:47,229 --> 00:13:48,462
Yeah, there's a boy too.
450
00:13:48,463 --> 00:13:49,964
His name is Josh, I'm trying to get over,
451
00:13:49,965 --> 00:13:51,265
but honestly, if you could just
452
00:13:51,266 --> 00:13:53,100
hypnotize me to stop eating pasta
453
00:13:53,101 --> 00:13:54,868
all the goddamn time, I'd be thrilled.
454
00:13:54,869 --> 00:13:56,303
Oh, I'm not eating sugar right now.
455
00:13:56,304 --> 00:13:57,940
It takes a lot of resolve.
456
00:13:57,941 --> 00:13:59,307
- Okay.
- Yeah.
457
00:13:59,308 --> 00:14:00,407
Anyway, we could talk all day,
458
00:14:00,408 --> 00:14:01,475
but why don't you lie down
459
00:14:01,475 --> 00:14:02,979
and we'll get you hypnotized.
460
00:14:02,980 --> 00:14:04,180
Okay.
461
00:14:06,015 --> 00:14:08,150
Okay, get yourself settled, good.
462
00:14:08,151 --> 00:14:10,986
Now, what I want you to do now, Billy,
463
00:14:10,987 --> 00:14:12,621
is close your eyes
464
00:14:12,622 --> 00:14:15,091
and take some deep breaths.
465
00:14:18,661 --> 00:14:21,129
How's this thing work?
466
00:14:21,129 --> 00:14:24,299
Wait a minute, we gotta turn it on.
467
00:14:24,300 --> 00:14:26,300
What? Okay, now I'm watching a video.
468
00:14:26,301 --> 00:14:28,604
Do you need me to do something or...?
469
00:14:28,605 --> 00:14:30,504
Oh, there it goes. Okay.
470
00:14:33,009 --> 00:14:34,074
Now, what I want you to do
471
00:14:34,075 --> 00:14:35,611
is picture a staircase.
472
00:14:35,612 --> 00:14:38,413
You're at the bottom of the staircase now
473
00:14:38,414 --> 00:14:40,116
and when you reach the top,
474
00:14:40,117 --> 00:14:41,983
you'll be hypnotized.
475
00:14:41,984 --> 00:14:43,918
I have a very breathy voice
476
00:14:43,919 --> 00:14:45,354
and I'm very good at this,
477
00:14:45,355 --> 00:14:47,922
so just let go.
478
00:14:47,923 --> 00:14:50,058
This is your time.
479
00:14:50,059 --> 00:14:52,594
This is all about you.
480
00:14:52,595 --> 00:14:55,664
Think about the shoes you're wearing.
481
00:14:55,665 --> 00:14:58,466
How do they feel?
482
00:14:58,467 --> 00:15:00,602
I usually wear Aerosoles.
483
00:15:00,603 --> 00:15:02,103
I also like Merrells.
484
00:15:02,104 --> 00:15:05,140
Zappos.com is terrific.
485
00:15:05,141 --> 00:15:06,509
Are you still hypnotizing me?
486
00:15:06,510 --> 00:15:07,609
Yes.
487
00:15:07,610 --> 00:15:10,245
Take another deep breath.
488
00:15:10,246 --> 00:15:12,180
Ah, you're on the fourth step now.
489
00:15:12,182 --> 00:15:15,016
Your hands and your legs are heavy.
490
00:15:15,017 --> 00:15:16,618
Congratulations,
491
00:15:16,619 --> 00:15:19,421
you are hypnotized.
492
00:15:19,422 --> 00:15:21,022
Okay.
493
00:15:21,023 --> 00:15:22,625
Billy, seriously, you have got to
494
00:15:22,626 --> 00:15:24,959
knock it off with the pasta.
495
00:15:24,960 --> 00:15:26,094
All right.
496
00:15:26,095 --> 00:15:27,496
Okay, and what's this guy's name?
497
00:15:27,497 --> 00:15:29,097
- Josh.
- From now on,
498
00:15:29,097 --> 00:15:31,000
you're not gonna think about him anymore.
499
00:15:31,001 --> 00:15:31,866
Got it.
500
00:15:31,867 --> 00:15:33,200
Okay, good.
501
00:15:33,201 --> 00:15:35,437
Now, I'd like to take the time
502
00:15:35,438 --> 00:15:37,471
to bonus hypnotize you
503
00:15:37,472 --> 00:15:38,605
to call a car service
504
00:15:38,606 --> 00:15:39,973
if you ever find yourself
505
00:15:39,974 --> 00:15:41,377
in a deserted neighborhood.
506
00:15:41,378 --> 00:15:44,211
I do not like to think of you and Julie
507
00:15:44,213 --> 00:15:45,480
wandering around Brooklyn
508
00:15:45,481 --> 00:15:47,282
or wherever at night.
509
00:15:47,283 --> 00:15:49,617
- Okay.
- I mean, can you imagine
510
00:15:49,618 --> 00:15:51,118
being in a strange neighborhood
511
00:15:51,119 --> 00:15:52,419
and having to find a restaurant
512
00:15:52,420 --> 00:15:53,689
so you could ask them if you could use
513
00:15:53,690 --> 00:15:55,123
their bathroom?
514
00:15:55,123 --> 00:15:56,523
And then you'd have to order,
515
00:15:56,524 --> 00:15:58,327
I don't know, plantains or something,
516
00:15:58,328 --> 00:15:59,928
before they'd let you.
517
00:15:59,929 --> 00:16:02,463
And what if you didn't
have your cell phone?
518
00:16:02,464 --> 00:16:04,200
Why wouldn't I have my cell phone?
519
00:16:04,201 --> 00:16:06,334
Because teenagers steal them.
520
00:16:06,335 --> 00:16:07,867
This is a trend, I read about it
521
00:16:07,868 --> 00:16:09,203
in the Wall Street Journal.
522
00:16:09,204 --> 00:16:10,606
- You did?
- Yeah, they've got
523
00:16:10,607 --> 00:16:12,040
local stories too,
524
00:16:12,041 --> 00:16:14,109
and great articles on TV.
525
00:16:14,110 --> 00:16:15,111
Apparently, it's a big time
526
00:16:15,112 --> 00:16:16,544
for women in comedy.
527
00:16:16,545 --> 00:16:19,013
Yeah, no, I love women in comedy.
528
00:16:19,014 --> 00:16:20,281
Billy?
529
00:16:20,282 --> 00:16:22,117
Does Julie have a shot?
530
00:16:22,118 --> 00:16:23,218
I think so.
531
00:16:23,219 --> 00:16:24,519
I think she's funny,
532
00:16:24,521 --> 00:16:26,956
but none of my friends do.
533
00:16:29,191 --> 00:16:31,025
- Hi!
- Gabby!
534
00:16:31,026 --> 00:16:32,928
Don't those shoes look comfortable.
535
00:16:32,929 --> 00:16:34,996
Thank you. Come on in.
536
00:16:34,997 --> 00:16:38,066
Guys, this is Julie and Arthur.
537
00:16:38,067 --> 00:16:39,135
Do you guys like seaweed
538
00:16:39,136 --> 00:16:40,335
or coconut water?
539
00:16:40,336 --> 00:16:41,502
We're not serving either,
540
00:16:41,503 --> 00:16:42,603
we were just talking about food
541
00:16:42,604 --> 00:16:44,071
right before you got here.
542
00:16:44,072 --> 00:16:45,540
Everybody, please look down,
543
00:16:45,542 --> 00:16:47,308
I lost my earring.
544
00:16:47,309 --> 00:16:49,577
It's made entirely of hemp.
545
00:16:49,578 --> 00:16:51,379
I'm at a terrible party.
546
00:16:51,380 --> 00:16:53,347
Hi, I'm Billy, Julie invited me
547
00:16:53,348 --> 00:16:54,116
to your home.
548
00:16:54,117 --> 00:16:55,049
Oh.
549
00:16:55,050 --> 00:16:56,418
- Hi.
- Hi, Billy.
550
00:16:56,419 --> 00:16:58,452
- Oh, thank God.
- Hi, so Mira Sorvino--
551
00:16:58,453 --> 00:16:59,586
So, I was just telling Gabby
552
00:16:59,587 --> 00:17:01,255
how you and Billy might be
553
00:17:01,256 --> 00:17:03,056
on your phones all night,
tweeting the Oscars
554
00:17:03,057 --> 00:17:04,393
so she shouldn't get offended.
555
00:17:04,394 --> 00:17:06,127
I don't get Twitter.
556
00:17:06,128 --> 00:17:07,496
Why would I want to let everyone know
557
00:17:07,497 --> 00:17:09,998
what I had for lunch today?
558
00:17:09,999 --> 00:17:11,398
But wait, can you delete a tweet
559
00:17:11,399 --> 00:17:13,300
or a twit or whatever if you want to?
560
00:17:13,301 --> 00:17:15,068
Yeah, um, just the other day
561
00:17:15,069 --> 00:17:16,572
I tweeted something about Blue Ivy
562
00:17:16,573 --> 00:17:17,939
that I took down.
563
00:17:17,940 --> 00:17:19,641
Blue Ivy, she is so cute.
564
00:17:19,642 --> 00:17:21,444
Oh, uh, Julie, this is Kathy.
565
00:17:21,445 --> 00:17:23,411
Hi. Don't I know you?
566
00:17:23,412 --> 00:17:25,180
I don't think so, but...
567
00:17:25,181 --> 00:17:26,613
I think we have the same iPhone case.
568
00:17:26,614 --> 00:17:27,883
Do you like Taylor Swift?
569
00:17:27,884 --> 00:17:30,051
Oh God, no, no. This is ironic.
570
00:17:30,052 --> 00:17:31,552
I actually bought it
with Diet Coke coupons
571
00:17:31,553 --> 00:17:33,255
after my last phone fell into a touch tank
572
00:17:33,256 --> 00:17:35,290
at the Coney Island Aquarium.
573
00:17:35,291 --> 00:17:37,192
Long story.
574
00:17:37,193 --> 00:17:40,528
So, uh, what did you say about Blue Ivy?
575
00:17:40,529 --> 00:17:42,964
I swear I feel like we've met.
576
00:17:42,965 --> 00:17:44,999
I said something like, um,
577
00:17:45,000 --> 00:17:46,168
"I can't wait for Blue Ivy
578
00:17:46,169 --> 00:17:47,535
to be old enough..."
579
00:17:47,536 --> 00:17:49,538
Gosh, she's already so big, right?
580
00:17:49,539 --> 00:17:52,407
Somebody mute the commercials!
581
00:17:52,408 --> 00:17:54,310
"I can't wait for Blue Ivy to be
582
00:17:54,311 --> 00:17:57,278
old enough for R. Kelly to piss on her."
583
00:17:57,279 --> 00:17:58,380
Because you know R. Kelly likes
584
00:17:58,381 --> 00:17:59,914
pissing on children.
585
00:17:59,915 --> 00:18:01,417
Who are older than infants, allegedly,
586
00:18:01,417 --> 00:18:03,451
but, you know, not by much.
587
00:18:03,452 --> 00:18:05,221
I mean, he's basically a sex offender.
588
00:18:05,222 --> 00:18:07,288
And depending on, you know,
589
00:18:07,289 --> 00:18:09,958
whether the charges are true,
590
00:18:09,959 --> 00:18:11,926
allegedly a pedophile.
591
00:18:11,927 --> 00:18:13,929
Allegedly.
592
00:18:16,131 --> 00:18:17,199
Mm.
593
00:18:18,735 --> 00:18:22,439
Yeah, I remember who you are now.
594
00:18:22,440 --> 00:18:23,640
You sat behind me at "Annie"
595
00:18:23,641 --> 00:18:25,107
with your gay friend.
596
00:18:25,109 --> 00:18:26,474
There was a small earthquake in LA,
597
00:18:26,476 --> 00:18:27,644
but don't worry, Emmy Rossum is fine.
598
00:18:27,645 --> 00:18:29,646
- Oh, thank God.
- Oh, yeah,
599
00:18:29,646 --> 00:18:31,315
I remember the both of you.
600
00:18:31,316 --> 00:18:32,882
Oh, hi!
601
00:18:32,883 --> 00:18:36,152
Hi! You're both disgusting people.
602
00:18:36,153 --> 00:18:37,686
And you, you think it's funny
603
00:18:37,687 --> 00:18:40,222
to make jokes about urinating on children?
604
00:18:40,223 --> 00:18:42,390
Obviously I don't because
I took down the tweet.
605
00:18:42,391 --> 00:18:43,391
You only took it down
606
00:18:43,392 --> 00:18:44,495
because you got in trouble.
607
00:18:44,496 --> 00:18:45,761
Of course I did.
608
00:18:45,763 --> 00:18:47,362
If people loved it, I
would have left it up.
609
00:18:47,363 --> 00:18:48,630
Noodles, come on, the show's back on.
610
00:18:48,631 --> 00:18:50,365
Let's watch TV and, uh, pretend
611
00:18:50,366 --> 00:18:51,633
what just happened didn't happen.
612
00:18:51,634 --> 00:18:53,168
You know, we may be missing a crucial
613
00:18:53,169 --> 00:18:54,570
red carpet moment with Giuliana Rancic.
614
00:18:54,571 --> 00:18:56,472
What if she interacts with Maria Menounos?
615
00:18:56,473 --> 00:18:57,706
- Could you imagine?
- I'd kill myself.
616
00:18:57,707 --> 00:18:59,174
Well, the two of their matchstick bodies
617
00:18:59,175 --> 00:19:00,442
would probably create a giant fire,
618
00:19:00,443 --> 00:19:01,744
you could just throw
yourself right into it.
619
00:19:01,745 --> 00:19:03,147
You know, that's how Gene Siskel died.
620
00:19:03,148 --> 00:19:05,315
Julie, Billy, please,
621
00:19:05,315 --> 00:19:06,782
this is a work party,
622
00:19:06,784 --> 00:19:08,117
I need you two to be more polite
623
00:19:08,118 --> 00:19:09,150
to non-each other people.
624
00:19:09,152 --> 00:19:10,185
Okay, just for tonight.
625
00:19:10,186 --> 00:19:11,288
I'm so sorry, Arthur.
626
00:19:11,289 --> 00:19:13,556
We will keep a low profile.
627
00:19:13,557 --> 00:19:15,691
Billy!
628
00:19:15,692 --> 00:19:17,627
We brought hummus and MDMA!
629
00:19:17,628 --> 00:19:18,894
I'm so sorry, I invited some people over
630
00:19:18,895 --> 00:19:20,262
without your permission.
631
00:19:20,263 --> 00:19:21,432
Hi, come in, come in, come in.
632
00:19:21,433 --> 00:19:22,867
Hey guys!
633
00:19:24,635 --> 00:19:26,068
Oh no.
634
00:19:26,069 --> 00:19:27,202
Kevin, do you know her?
635
00:19:27,203 --> 00:19:28,771
Yes, we met the other day.
636
00:19:28,772 --> 00:19:30,539
She came in to pitch me library water.
637
00:19:30,540 --> 00:19:32,073
Would you keep your voice down?
638
00:19:32,074 --> 00:19:33,575
No one's gonna steal that idea.
639
00:19:33,576 --> 00:19:35,778
Wait, why are you two holding hands?
640
00:19:35,779 --> 00:19:37,179
We're married, idiot.
641
00:19:37,180 --> 00:19:38,180
Remember, I showed you
642
00:19:38,181 --> 00:19:39,381
a photo of our kids.
643
00:19:39,382 --> 00:19:40,682
Mentos and Marlboro!
644
00:19:40,683 --> 00:19:43,187
- Memphis and Maverick!
- How are they?
645
00:19:43,188 --> 00:19:46,890
Billy, we invited some more people over!
646
00:19:46,891 --> 00:19:48,724
Hi, I'm Josh.
647
00:19:48,725 --> 00:19:49,860
Hi.
648
00:19:51,529 --> 00:19:52,629
Hey Josh.
649
00:19:52,629 --> 00:19:54,531
Hey! How are you?
650
00:19:54,532 --> 00:19:55,865
I'm-I'm great.
651
00:19:55,866 --> 00:19:57,835
- Good, good.
- Can I take your coat?
652
00:19:57,836 --> 00:19:59,335
Yeah, sure.
653
00:19:59,336 --> 00:20:00,604
Sorry, I never know what to wear
654
00:20:00,605 --> 00:20:02,104
in this weather.
655
00:20:02,106 --> 00:20:03,672
Yeah, I know, it's like
it's cold and it's hot
656
00:20:03,673 --> 00:20:05,106
and it's cold and it's hot
657
00:20:05,107 --> 00:20:06,241
and I put on my light spring jacket
658
00:20:06,242 --> 00:20:07,242
and it ends up getting soaked
659
00:20:07,243 --> 00:20:08,544
with pollen and snow and...
660
00:20:08,545 --> 00:20:10,579
- Is that a yarmulke?
- Yeah.
661
00:20:10,580 --> 00:20:12,516
You know, I started going to shul more.
662
00:20:12,517 --> 00:20:14,518
No, no. Goodbye.
663
00:20:18,489 --> 00:20:19,621
Where are we even?
664
00:20:19,622 --> 00:20:20,724
It's been forever.
665
00:20:20,725 --> 00:20:22,292
I really have to pee.
666
00:20:22,293 --> 00:20:23,294
Train's only a block away,
667
00:20:23,294 --> 00:20:24,794
or it should be.
668
00:20:24,795 --> 00:20:25,729
So you're telling me you're completely
669
00:20:25,730 --> 00:20:27,130
over Josh, just now?
670
00:20:27,131 --> 00:20:28,431
Yup.
671
00:20:28,432 --> 00:20:29,764
I have no feelings for him whatsoever.
672
00:20:29,765 --> 00:20:30,866
And you don't think
that has anything to do
673
00:20:30,867 --> 00:20:32,203
with my mom hypnotizing you?
674
00:20:32,204 --> 00:20:33,570
No. You saw him.
675
00:20:33,571 --> 00:20:34,603
He's the type of Jewish guy that
676
00:20:34,604 --> 00:20:36,104
wears a yarmulke all the time.
677
00:20:36,105 --> 00:20:37,138
What about pasta?
678
00:20:37,140 --> 00:20:38,273
Oh, I'd stick my dick
679
00:20:38,274 --> 00:20:39,474
in a bowl of pasta right now.
680
00:20:39,475 --> 00:20:40,811
Okay, this is where the train's
681
00:20:40,812 --> 00:20:43,146
supposed to be. Ghost train.
682
00:20:43,147 --> 00:20:44,446
Look, we are never going
to find this subway,
683
00:20:44,447 --> 00:20:46,116
so can we please just get a car?
684
00:20:46,117 --> 00:20:48,519
I'll get an Uber.
685
00:20:51,488 --> 00:20:53,756
Oh no. Look.
686
00:20:53,757 --> 00:20:55,691
This isn't my phone.
687
00:20:55,692 --> 00:20:57,228
That garbage person Kathy
688
00:20:57,229 --> 00:20:59,095
must have taken mine.
689
00:20:59,096 --> 00:21:00,362
Arthur, could you call a car?
690
00:21:00,363 --> 00:21:02,331
I really have to go to the bathroom.
691
00:21:02,332 --> 00:21:03,431
Well, I'm sure she'll give
692
00:21:03,432 --> 00:21:04,399
yours back when she realizes.
693
00:21:04,400 --> 00:21:05,667
She's not a total monster.
694
00:21:05,668 --> 00:21:07,269
It says the driver's 18 minutes away.
695
00:21:07,270 --> 00:21:09,204
Oh, I can't hold it for that long.
696
00:21:09,205 --> 00:21:10,641
Julie, you are not going to piss yourself
697
00:21:10,642 --> 00:21:11,741
on this street.
698
00:21:11,742 --> 00:21:13,342
Now it says he's 23 minutes away.
699
00:21:13,342 --> 00:21:14,809
No, no, no, no, no, no.
700
00:21:14,811 --> 00:21:16,111
I'll read you some Oscar tweets
701
00:21:16,112 --> 00:21:17,712
to distract you. Ready? Listen.
702
00:21:17,713 --> 00:21:19,114
Here's one from Gabe.
703
00:21:19,115 --> 00:21:20,784
He said, "This is a big comeback
704
00:21:20,785 --> 00:21:22,252
for Natalie Portman,
705
00:21:22,253 --> 00:21:23,787
who was unemployed for almost 9 years
706
00:21:23,788 --> 00:21:25,221
before turning 9."
707
00:21:25,222 --> 00:21:27,455
- That's funny.
- Driver unavailable.
708
00:21:27,457 --> 00:21:28,792
I'll read you some more.
709
00:21:28,793 --> 00:21:31,093
Here's one from...
710
00:21:31,095 --> 00:21:32,763
Wait, here's one from you.
711
00:21:32,764 --> 00:21:33,796
What?
712
00:21:33,797 --> 00:21:35,565
From like a half hour ago.
713
00:21:35,566 --> 00:21:37,366
How is that possible?
714
00:21:37,367 --> 00:21:40,703
Holy shit.
715
00:21:40,704 --> 00:21:43,673
"I'm a jerk who hates kids with cool names
716
00:21:43,674 --> 00:21:45,709
and thinks it's funny when children
717
00:21:45,710 --> 00:21:47,844
get pissed on, when in fact,
718
00:21:47,845 --> 00:21:50,514
I deserve to get pissed on."
719
00:21:57,288 --> 00:21:58,722
Touché, Kathy.
720
00:22:00,524 --> 00:22:01,725
Touché.
721
00:22:04,433 --> 00:22:10,226
Sync by zep73
Corrections by n17t01
www.addic7ed.com
49096
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.