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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,668 --> 00:00:03,001 Excuse me, I have-- 2 00:00:03,002 --> 00:00:04,671 ...theater tickets, I'm seeing a matinee. 3 00:00:04,672 --> 00:00:05,871 Oh, Jesus! 4 00:00:05,871 --> 00:00:06,938 That's gonna be a great photo. 5 00:00:06,939 --> 00:00:08,272 Take a picture of a cab. 6 00:00:08,273 --> 00:00:09,840 Why don't you watch where you're going? 7 00:00:09,841 --> 00:00:12,043 Miss Redhead, could you take our picture? 8 00:00:12,044 --> 00:00:13,945 Do you know where I catch the M34A? 9 00:00:13,946 --> 00:00:14,978 No, I'm not touching that camera. 10 00:00:14,979 --> 00:00:16,180 I don't want swine flu. 11 00:00:16,181 --> 00:00:17,882 I don't know. Who takes the bus? 12 00:00:17,883 --> 00:00:20,086 Okay, but, please, can you tell us 13 00:00:20,087 --> 00:00:21,986 how can we get to 9/11? 14 00:00:21,988 --> 00:00:23,821 Hi, do you have a minute for gay rights? 15 00:00:23,822 --> 00:00:25,191 - Rashes. - Gay rights? 16 00:00:25,192 --> 00:00:26,425 I've done plenty 17 00:00:26,426 --> 00:00:27,925 and took diminishing returns. 18 00:00:27,926 --> 00:00:29,460 Which way is the farmers' market? 19 00:00:29,461 --> 00:00:31,197 What more do you fucking want from me? 20 00:00:31,198 --> 00:00:32,497 - Oh! - Idiot! 21 00:00:32,498 --> 00:00:34,300 My God, you're a grown man on a bike! 22 00:00:34,301 --> 00:00:38,300 Sync by zep73 Corrections by n17t01 www.addic7ed.com 23 00:00:38,738 --> 00:00:40,771 Hi. Are you ready for "Annie"? 24 00:00:40,772 --> 00:00:43,006 How dare you ask me something so redundant. 25 00:00:43,007 --> 00:00:44,944 Just a second, I have to finish this tweet. 26 00:00:44,945 --> 00:00:48,944 "'Til Blue Ivy is old enough to..." 27 00:00:50,282 --> 00:00:53,151 - Send. - That's very funny. 28 00:00:53,152 --> 00:00:55,821 Thank you. I love "Annie." 29 00:00:55,822 --> 00:00:57,788 Isn't it funny how FDR is a total hero 30 00:00:57,789 --> 00:00:59,022 in this play even though in real life 31 00:00:59,024 --> 00:01:00,358 he let millions of Jews die? 32 00:01:00,359 --> 00:01:02,025 Hilarious. I love that we has born 33 00:01:02,027 --> 00:01:03,427 during a time when handicapped people 34 00:01:03,428 --> 00:01:05,796 still had to wear blankets on their laps. 35 00:01:05,797 --> 00:01:07,299 Have you heard from Josh? 36 00:01:07,301 --> 00:01:09,868 Nope, and it's been over a week 37 00:01:09,869 --> 00:01:10,936 and we are done. 38 00:01:10,938 --> 00:01:13,405 Oh, I'm so sorry, Billy. 39 00:01:13,406 --> 00:01:15,340 I'm actually very upset. 40 00:01:15,341 --> 00:01:17,176 - Josh was so hot. - Yeah. 41 00:01:17,177 --> 00:01:18,343 And not a moron. 42 00:01:18,344 --> 00:01:19,710 Well, if he broke up with you, 43 00:01:19,711 --> 00:01:20,811 clearly he is a moron. 44 00:01:20,812 --> 00:01:21,914 By the way, your Real Housewives 45 00:01:21,915 --> 00:01:23,715 recap today was hilarious. 46 00:01:23,716 --> 00:01:25,149 - Oh, thank you. - We were dying. 47 00:01:25,150 --> 00:01:26,250 God, I'm so funny when I write 48 00:01:26,251 --> 00:01:27,818 mean things about TV shows. 49 00:01:27,819 --> 00:01:29,186 How come no one's hired me to write for one? 50 00:01:29,187 --> 00:01:30,388 Because our lives are garbage 51 00:01:30,389 --> 00:01:31,991 and it's the world's fault? 52 00:01:33,192 --> 00:01:35,394 I hate this time of year. 53 00:01:35,395 --> 00:01:36,929 My light spring jacket is soaked 54 00:01:36,930 --> 00:01:38,864 with both pollen and snow. 55 00:01:38,864 --> 00:01:40,398 I wish I never had to go outside. 56 00:01:40,399 --> 00:01:41,399 Well, that's why I've always been 57 00:01:41,400 --> 00:01:42,366 an indoors kid. 58 00:01:42,367 --> 00:01:43,934 I used to spend every recess 59 00:01:43,935 --> 00:01:45,169 in the school library, 60 00:01:45,170 --> 00:01:46,472 even when it was beautiful outside. 61 00:01:46,473 --> 00:01:48,006 That's adorable. 62 00:01:48,007 --> 00:01:49,240 I have such fond memories 63 00:01:49,240 --> 00:01:51,344 about the water fountain in that library. 64 00:01:51,345 --> 00:01:53,879 It had the most delicious water. 65 00:01:53,879 --> 00:01:55,846 That is so weird because my school library 66 00:01:55,847 --> 00:01:58,049 had an incredible water fountain also. 67 00:01:58,050 --> 00:01:59,419 You know what'd be smart? 68 00:01:59,420 --> 00:02:01,387 What if we went into-- 69 00:02:03,756 --> 00:02:04,890 Oh God. 70 00:02:04,890 --> 00:02:06,426 What if we went into business 71 00:02:06,427 --> 00:02:09,861 selling bottled library water fountain water? 72 00:02:09,862 --> 00:02:11,361 Okay, this is gonna sound insane, 73 00:02:11,363 --> 00:02:13,130 but I met somebody who sells water 74 00:02:13,131 --> 00:02:14,667 in milk cartons as an alternative 75 00:02:14,668 --> 00:02:15,900 to bottled water. 76 00:02:15,901 --> 00:02:17,301 It's like good for the environment. 77 00:02:17,302 --> 00:02:18,936 Doesn't the water inside taste like milk? 78 00:02:18,937 --> 00:02:20,707 - I don't think so. - Seems like it would. 79 00:02:22,108 --> 00:02:23,810 God, I hate the sound of children laughing. 80 00:02:23,811 --> 00:02:25,377 Oh shit! 81 00:02:25,378 --> 00:02:27,277 Annie is an understudy today 82 00:02:27,278 --> 00:02:29,180 and her name is Taylor. This generation! 83 00:02:29,181 --> 00:02:31,148 I swear to God, if she blows this role 84 00:02:31,149 --> 00:02:32,249 I will strap down my tits 85 00:02:32,250 --> 00:02:33,351 and get up on that stage. 86 00:02:33,352 --> 00:02:35,021 Excuse me, could you please 87 00:02:35,022 --> 00:02:37,055 watch your language? 88 00:02:37,056 --> 00:02:39,157 Oh my God, I am so so-- 89 00:02:39,158 --> 00:02:40,157 - Miss, miss. - Yes? 90 00:02:40,158 --> 00:02:41,392 - I am so sorry. - It's okay. 91 00:02:41,393 --> 00:02:43,427 We can't do that at all. Not gonna do that. 92 00:02:43,428 --> 00:02:44,895 I'm sorry, I think you can. 93 00:02:44,896 --> 00:02:46,964 - We're seeing "Annie." - I paid $120, 94 00:02:46,965 --> 00:02:48,368 I can say "shit" if I want to. 95 00:02:48,369 --> 00:02:50,035 You-- hey! 96 00:02:50,036 --> 00:02:51,769 - Hey, hey. - "Hey, hey." 97 00:02:51,770 --> 00:02:53,704 I would pay $120 for both of you 98 00:02:53,705 --> 00:02:54,938 to leave right now. 99 00:02:54,939 --> 00:02:56,107 This is a public place, and you know what? 100 00:02:56,108 --> 00:02:57,441 We're not seeing the real Annie. 101 00:02:57,442 --> 00:02:58,909 You're not seeing the real Annie today. 102 00:02:58,910 --> 00:03:00,144 Do not talk to my children. 103 00:03:00,145 --> 00:03:01,311 Do you know what an understudy is? 104 00:03:01,312 --> 00:03:03,147 You are terrifying my children. 105 00:03:03,148 --> 00:03:04,448 - Terrifying? - You are terrifying. 106 00:03:04,449 --> 00:03:05,816 I told them a fact of life. 107 00:03:05,817 --> 00:03:07,050 You're a terrifying person. 108 00:03:07,052 --> 00:03:08,386 Nobody wants to see an understudy. 109 00:03:08,387 --> 00:03:09,953 - You don't know me. - I do know you. 110 00:03:09,954 --> 00:03:11,989 An understudy, it's like a fancy word 111 00:03:11,990 --> 00:03:13,159 for disappointment. 112 00:03:23,271 --> 00:03:25,873 Hi, babies! Hi, angels. 113 00:03:25,873 --> 00:03:26,740 Hi, Noodles. 114 00:03:26,741 --> 00:03:28,041 Hello, Arthur. 115 00:03:28,042 --> 00:03:29,809 - What are you slicing? - A quince. 116 00:03:29,810 --> 00:03:31,444 It's like an apple combined with a pear. 117 00:03:31,445 --> 00:03:33,045 Somebody at the office wrote a book about them. 118 00:03:33,046 --> 00:03:34,747 Really? Somebody in public television 119 00:03:34,748 --> 00:03:36,451 wrote a book about something boring? 120 00:03:36,452 --> 00:03:37,751 Oh, you. 121 00:03:37,752 --> 00:03:39,051 Here, I made you a plate. 122 00:03:39,052 --> 00:03:40,787 Thank you, but you know how I feel about fruit 123 00:03:40,788 --> 00:03:43,124 that's not in proximity to crust or cream. 124 00:03:43,125 --> 00:03:44,825 Oh. 125 00:03:44,826 --> 00:03:47,093 Hey, you know Gabby's Oscar party this Sunday? 126 00:03:47,094 --> 00:03:48,461 I've been thinking about it 127 00:03:48,462 --> 00:03:50,396 and I think it'd be better if I stayed home 128 00:03:50,397 --> 00:03:51,864 and live-tweeted the Oscars 129 00:03:51,865 --> 00:03:53,266 in my pajamas instead. 130 00:03:53,266 --> 00:03:55,336 Gabby's my boss, she's a big deal at PBS. 131 00:03:55,337 --> 00:03:56,870 Come on, Cara seed. 132 00:03:56,871 --> 00:03:58,306 I ask so little of you. 133 00:03:58,307 --> 00:04:01,341 I know, that's why we work. 134 00:04:02,811 --> 00:04:04,911 - Uh-oh. - What? 135 00:04:04,912 --> 00:04:06,779 I tweeted something about Blue Ivy earlier 136 00:04:06,780 --> 00:04:09,150 and now the internet's being really mean to me. 137 00:04:09,151 --> 00:04:10,951 "Unfollow, kill yourself." 138 00:04:10,952 --> 00:04:13,954 From SpinClassAddict91. Oh my God, 139 00:04:13,955 --> 00:04:15,457 that's probably the year she was born. 140 00:04:15,458 --> 00:04:17,024 What was the joke? 141 00:04:17,025 --> 00:04:18,691 "I can't wait for Blue Ivy to be old enough 142 00:04:18,692 --> 00:04:20,328 for R. Kelly to piss on her." 143 00:04:20,329 --> 00:04:22,396 - Ah-ha. - I hate this! 144 00:04:22,397 --> 00:04:23,830 I hate fighting with people. 145 00:04:23,831 --> 00:04:25,198 I just like saying something crazy 146 00:04:25,199 --> 00:04:26,866 and then leaving the room. 147 00:04:26,867 --> 00:04:28,267 Unless people like what I say 148 00:04:28,268 --> 00:04:29,671 and then I stay in the room. 149 00:04:29,672 --> 00:04:31,872 I know, I've met you before. 150 00:04:31,873 --> 00:04:34,108 I'm gonna delete this piss-baby tweet. 151 00:04:39,280 --> 00:04:41,882 I want the fries but I think I should 152 00:04:41,883 --> 00:04:44,251 just get the salad instead. 153 00:04:44,252 --> 00:04:46,720 I'll be good. 154 00:04:46,721 --> 00:04:47,888 Hello? 155 00:04:47,889 --> 00:04:48,988 How can you think about food? 156 00:04:48,989 --> 00:04:49,989 Huffington Post just tweeted about 157 00:04:49,990 --> 00:04:51,290 what George and Amal Clooney 158 00:04:51,291 --> 00:04:53,094 would look like as Simpsons characters. 159 00:04:53,095 --> 00:04:54,461 Come on. 160 00:04:54,462 --> 00:04:56,029 No. 161 00:04:56,030 --> 00:04:57,931 Hey Billy, you okay? 162 00:04:57,932 --> 00:04:59,166 I'm fine. 163 00:04:59,167 --> 00:05:00,433 I mean, you know, I'm in my mid thirties, 164 00:05:00,434 --> 00:05:02,368 I am waiting tables-- poorly-- 165 00:05:02,369 --> 00:05:04,038 I spent the better part of last night 166 00:05:04,039 --> 00:05:05,706 Facebook stalking my ex, 167 00:05:05,707 --> 00:05:07,706 and according to NCI- whatever the fuck it is, 168 00:05:07,708 --> 00:05:09,341 even Linda Hunt is more castable than me, 169 00:05:09,342 --> 00:05:10,945 so I'm doing great, thanks so much. 170 00:05:10,946 --> 00:05:13,246 Oh, thank you, sweet Matthew, 171 00:05:13,247 --> 00:05:15,781 for another morning full of wonderful memories. 172 00:05:15,782 --> 00:05:17,083 Hey, where you guys been? 173 00:05:17,084 --> 00:05:18,050 Where have you been? I've been covering 174 00:05:18,051 --> 00:05:19,185 the whole place by myself. 175 00:05:19,186 --> 00:05:20,352 We had to get outfits 176 00:05:20,354 --> 00:05:22,357 for our mother/son photo shoot. 177 00:05:22,358 --> 00:05:25,158 Oh, sad, old Billy. 178 00:05:25,159 --> 00:05:26,794 He only ever gets to go shopping 179 00:05:26,795 --> 00:05:29,963 for antidepressants and Metamucil wafers. 180 00:05:29,964 --> 00:05:31,030 You know what, Matthew? 181 00:05:31,031 --> 00:05:32,064 Sometimes when I hear you speak, 182 00:05:32,065 --> 00:05:33,065 I think I should join 183 00:05:33,066 --> 00:05:34,400 the Westboro Baptist Church. 184 00:05:34,401 --> 00:05:35,668 Ever since I was told 185 00:05:35,669 --> 00:05:36,969 that I couldn't have children... 186 00:05:36,970 --> 00:05:39,071 - By yourself. - ...because I hate them, 187 00:05:39,072 --> 00:05:40,773 I've only been sad about not having 188 00:05:40,774 --> 00:05:42,975 mother/son photos and matching outfits. 189 00:05:42,976 --> 00:05:44,443 Oh, that's when I told diva here 190 00:05:44,444 --> 00:05:46,047 that we may not be blood, 191 00:05:46,048 --> 00:05:48,181 but we are family. 192 00:05:48,182 --> 00:05:50,717 Oh, sing, bird, sing! 193 00:05:50,718 --> 00:05:51,852 You go, girl! 194 00:05:51,853 --> 00:05:53,388 Uh, uh, uh, uh, it is Denise. 195 00:05:53,389 --> 00:05:55,789 No, baby, go easy on Billy today. 196 00:05:55,790 --> 00:05:57,056 Josh just broke up with him. 197 00:05:57,057 --> 00:05:58,424 That's the guy that's cute and sweet 198 00:05:58,425 --> 00:05:59,959 in a Paul Rudd-ish way. 199 00:05:59,960 --> 00:06:01,427 - And that's rare. - We all got problems, 200 00:06:01,428 --> 00:06:02,964 get your ass back to work. 201 00:06:02,965 --> 00:06:05,065 And you, I got a gift for you. 202 00:06:05,066 --> 00:06:07,467 - Oh yeah? - Mm-hm. 203 00:06:07,468 --> 00:06:10,203 I'm sorry, does anybody work here? 204 00:06:10,204 --> 00:06:11,704 Oh yeah, I'll be back to help you 205 00:06:11,705 --> 00:06:13,274 and the rest of the Traveling Wilburys 206 00:06:13,275 --> 00:06:14,842 in a second. 207 00:06:20,682 --> 00:06:22,783 - Hi, Mom. - Hi! 208 00:06:22,784 --> 00:06:25,819 Don't you look pretty when you smile? 209 00:06:25,820 --> 00:06:28,055 Aww! 210 00:06:28,056 --> 00:06:30,156 Honey, do you know this Lena Dunham? 211 00:06:30,157 --> 00:06:31,223 Yeah, actually, um... 212 00:06:31,224 --> 00:06:32,858 Apparently she's doing great; 213 00:06:32,859 --> 00:06:34,195 she's younger than you. 214 00:06:34,196 --> 00:06:35,362 She has tattoos. 215 00:06:35,363 --> 00:06:36,729 Anyway, this article says 216 00:06:36,730 --> 00:06:38,032 it is a great time now 217 00:06:38,033 --> 00:06:40,133 for women in comedy. 218 00:06:40,134 --> 00:06:42,001 That's very helpful. Thanks, Mom. 219 00:06:42,002 --> 00:06:43,938 So, aren't you gonna ask me if I finished 220 00:06:43,939 --> 00:06:45,906 my hypnosis course? 221 00:06:45,907 --> 00:06:48,207 Wow, that would have been a breakneck pace 222 00:06:48,208 --> 00:06:49,375 for a change of subjects 223 00:06:49,376 --> 00:06:50,845 if both subjects weren't you. 224 00:06:50,846 --> 00:06:53,046 I finished my hypnosis course. 225 00:06:53,047 --> 00:06:54,747 When can I practice on you? 226 00:06:54,748 --> 00:06:56,082 You're not hypnotizing me. 227 00:06:56,083 --> 00:06:57,750 It's not like I tell you you're a chicken 228 00:06:57,751 --> 00:06:59,187 and then you act like a chicken. 229 00:06:59,188 --> 00:07:00,921 That very well may be, 230 00:07:00,922 --> 00:07:02,321 but I still don't want you to do it. 231 00:07:02,322 --> 00:07:03,791 You're lucky to have a mom 232 00:07:03,792 --> 00:07:05,125 who's a shrink. 233 00:07:05,126 --> 00:07:06,728 Yes, I'm a walking gratitude list. 234 00:07:06,729 --> 00:07:07,761 Yeah. 235 00:07:07,762 --> 00:07:08,861 I asked for sparkling. 236 00:07:08,862 --> 00:07:10,329 - How's Billy? - He's good. 237 00:07:10,330 --> 00:07:11,931 You know, he is just getting over 238 00:07:11,932 --> 00:07:13,132 this guy is the only thing. 239 00:07:13,133 --> 00:07:14,235 Josh. I don't know if you met him. 240 00:07:14,236 --> 00:07:16,436 - I can hypnotize him. - Hm. 241 00:07:16,437 --> 00:07:18,070 It's not like I tell him he's a chicken 242 00:07:18,071 --> 00:07:20,008 then all of a sudden he becomes a chicken 243 00:07:20,009 --> 00:07:21,475 or something. 244 00:07:21,476 --> 00:07:23,309 Did you get that article I sent you 245 00:07:23,310 --> 00:07:25,146 about Palestine because I'm about 246 00:07:25,147 --> 00:07:26,880 to resend it. 247 00:07:26,881 --> 00:07:28,415 There we are. 248 00:07:28,416 --> 00:07:29,916 What else? 249 00:07:35,423 --> 00:07:36,791 What's more of a turn-off, 250 00:07:36,792 --> 00:07:38,859 veganism or Judaica? 251 00:07:38,860 --> 00:07:39,926 Oh, I don't know. 252 00:07:39,927 --> 00:07:40,861 Judaica. 253 00:07:40,862 --> 00:07:42,095 Yes! Yes. 254 00:07:42,096 --> 00:07:43,396 If I was going out with a guy 255 00:07:43,397 --> 00:07:44,930 and there was a big clay mezuzah 256 00:07:44,931 --> 00:07:46,465 hanging outside his place, I'd be like, 257 00:07:46,466 --> 00:07:49,068 "Is a circumcised experience worth it?" 258 00:07:49,069 --> 00:07:50,369 Is that anti-Semitic of us 259 00:07:50,370 --> 00:07:52,338 or is that not possible because we're Jewish? 260 00:07:52,339 --> 00:07:53,973 - Oh, it's possible. - Oh, that's right, 261 00:07:53,974 --> 00:07:55,241 'cause you hate other gay guys. 262 00:07:55,242 --> 00:07:56,811 No, I do not hate other gay people-- 263 00:07:56,812 --> 00:07:58,178 yes, I do. 264 00:07:58,179 --> 00:08:00,014 I get very homophobic when I go to my gym. 265 00:08:00,015 --> 00:08:01,448 These are delicious. 266 00:08:01,449 --> 00:08:02,948 - Hi. - Hello! 267 00:08:02,949 --> 00:08:03,983 Nice to see you again. 268 00:08:03,984 --> 00:08:05,117 Nice to see you. Remind me. 269 00:08:05,118 --> 00:08:06,852 Uh, the UCB party last week. 270 00:08:06,853 --> 00:08:07,789 - Right, yeah. - The party. 271 00:08:07,790 --> 00:08:10,757 - I'm Julie. - Hi. 272 00:08:10,758 --> 00:08:14,261 So, you two are in comedy. 273 00:08:14,262 --> 00:08:15,996 Yes! Unfortunately, yes. 274 00:08:15,997 --> 00:08:17,998 Nice, nice. 275 00:08:17,999 --> 00:08:19,467 Do you like Daniel Tosh? 276 00:08:22,870 --> 00:08:24,437 You know the water business, right? 277 00:08:24,438 --> 00:08:26,674 We admittedly don't know anything about that, 278 00:08:26,675 --> 00:08:29,142 but we have an amazing idea. 279 00:08:29,143 --> 00:08:30,743 It occurred to Billy recently-- 280 00:08:30,744 --> 00:08:32,244 Well, it occurred to Julie. 281 00:08:32,245 --> 00:08:33,946 Well, it occurred to both of us at the same time-- 282 00:08:33,947 --> 00:08:35,181 - It occurred to Julie. - When this goes, 283 00:08:35,182 --> 00:08:36,415 we'll figure out the credit later. 284 00:08:36,416 --> 00:08:37,752 We're not people who argue about credits. 285 00:08:37,753 --> 00:08:39,953 It occurred to us that water 286 00:08:39,954 --> 00:08:41,287 from library water fountains 287 00:08:41,288 --> 00:08:42,722 is by far the coldest, 288 00:08:42,723 --> 00:08:44,325 most delicious water in the world. 289 00:08:44,326 --> 00:08:47,895 So, why not bottle it? 290 00:08:49,363 --> 00:08:51,165 Well, we don't bottle here. 291 00:08:51,166 --> 00:08:52,899 We're boxed water. 292 00:08:52,899 --> 00:08:54,266 Have you seen our cartons? 293 00:08:54,267 --> 00:08:56,202 They're really cool, they're biodegradable. 294 00:08:56,203 --> 00:08:58,204 Doesn't the water inside of those taste like milk? 295 00:08:58,205 --> 00:08:59,438 - No. - Not even a little bit? 296 00:08:59,439 --> 00:09:00,706 Not even a little bit. 297 00:09:00,707 --> 00:09:01,442 It seems like it would. 298 00:09:01,443 --> 00:09:03,008 They're new containers, 299 00:09:03,009 --> 00:09:04,877 they're not made from recycled milk boxes. 300 00:09:04,878 --> 00:09:06,112 Still seems like the water inside 301 00:09:06,113 --> 00:09:07,949 would taste a little milky. 302 00:09:09,317 --> 00:09:12,119 Well, did you want me to sample your... 303 00:09:12,120 --> 00:09:13,421 What's it called again? 304 00:09:13,422 --> 00:09:15,756 Library water fountain water. 305 00:09:15,757 --> 00:09:17,458 We don't have any with us. 306 00:09:19,127 --> 00:09:20,160 Okay. 307 00:09:20,161 --> 00:09:21,761 Listen, this is a great idea. 308 00:09:21,762 --> 00:09:23,195 Just tap into your memories of being 309 00:09:23,196 --> 00:09:24,432 a little kid at the library, 310 00:09:24,433 --> 00:09:25,899 surrounded by books. 311 00:09:25,900 --> 00:09:27,099 Do you know what we're talking about? 312 00:09:27,100 --> 00:09:28,367 That library water fountain water, 313 00:09:28,368 --> 00:09:30,069 it's so crisp and cold and delicious 314 00:09:30,070 --> 00:09:31,737 from when you were a kid? 315 00:09:31,738 --> 00:09:33,172 Do you know what I mean? 316 00:09:33,173 --> 00:09:35,406 People don't even remember that they love that 317 00:09:35,408 --> 00:09:37,309 but if they just had it in a bottle-- 318 00:09:37,309 --> 00:09:39,378 I mean, this, no one wants to carry this-- 319 00:09:39,379 --> 00:09:42,116 if they just had it in a nice, you know, bottle, 320 00:09:42,117 --> 00:09:44,851 a plastic bottle, a glass bottle. 321 00:09:44,852 --> 00:09:46,185 He doesn't seem like a book person. 322 00:09:46,186 --> 00:09:47,320 No, you seem more like a kickball 323 00:09:47,322 --> 00:09:48,388 at recess type. 324 00:09:48,389 --> 00:09:49,455 Maybe that's what it is. 325 00:09:49,456 --> 00:09:50,856 He wasn't in the library, 326 00:09:50,857 --> 00:09:52,124 that's the problem. 327 00:09:52,125 --> 00:09:53,359 - Oh! That's what it is. - He doesn't get it. 328 00:09:53,360 --> 00:09:55,463 Because he was the first guy picked 329 00:09:55,464 --> 00:09:56,463 for kickball. 330 00:09:56,464 --> 00:09:57,763 Exactly. We didn't-- 331 00:09:57,764 --> 00:09:59,031 We didn't ever get picked. 332 00:09:59,032 --> 00:10:00,266 We're not athletic people. 333 00:10:00,267 --> 00:10:01,667 We're not, you know-- 334 00:10:01,668 --> 00:10:02,768 We're not Chelsea Clinton. 335 00:10:02,769 --> 00:10:03,805 - Yeah. - You know? 336 00:10:03,806 --> 00:10:06,106 We're barely Chelsea Handler. 337 00:10:06,107 --> 00:10:07,308 You must love her. 338 00:10:07,309 --> 00:10:10,143 "Oh, oh, she's so bad." 339 00:10:10,144 --> 00:10:12,076 - "Oh, oh!" - "Oh, she's so naughty!" 340 00:10:12,078 --> 00:10:13,212 "No, no, she says what I think!" 341 00:10:13,213 --> 00:10:14,847 "I got drunk last night." 342 00:10:14,848 --> 00:10:16,315 - "I'm so drunk." - "Oh, my bachelorette party!" 343 00:10:16,316 --> 00:10:17,783 "I've been so drunk for the last five years, 344 00:10:17,784 --> 00:10:19,153 I haven't written a joke!" 345 00:10:21,189 --> 00:10:24,791 Yeah, I don't know how I can help you two. 346 00:10:24,792 --> 00:10:26,793 Put it in a bottle. 347 00:10:26,794 --> 00:10:27,793 We don't bottle here. 348 00:10:27,794 --> 00:10:29,028 Right, but you can, 349 00:10:29,029 --> 00:10:29,931 that's the whole thing. 350 00:10:29,932 --> 00:10:32,133 You know water, right? 351 00:10:33,134 --> 00:10:35,101 Are those your kids? 352 00:10:35,102 --> 00:10:39,339 Yes. That's Memphis and that's Maverick. 353 00:10:39,340 --> 00:10:41,074 What? 354 00:10:41,075 --> 00:10:42,310 The girl's name is Memphis 355 00:10:42,311 --> 00:10:45,345 and the boy's name is Maverick. 356 00:10:45,346 --> 00:10:48,013 What? 357 00:10:48,015 --> 00:10:49,183 The girl's name is Memphis 358 00:10:49,184 --> 00:10:52,219 and the boy's name is Maverick. 359 00:10:52,220 --> 00:10:53,988 - We have to go. - We have to go. 360 00:11:02,230 --> 00:11:03,197 What are you recapping? 361 00:11:03,197 --> 00:11:05,297 Oh, "Vanderpump Rules." 362 00:11:05,298 --> 00:11:06,765 God, if these idiots were the characters 363 00:11:06,766 --> 00:11:08,000 in "Angels in America," 364 00:11:08,001 --> 00:11:09,068 nobody would have cared 365 00:11:09,069 --> 00:11:10,302 when any of them dropped dead. 366 00:11:10,302 --> 00:11:11,971 Yeah, well, that's why Tony Kushner 367 00:11:11,972 --> 00:11:12,974 went in a different direction. 368 00:11:12,975 --> 00:11:14,306 No, no, no, no, no. 369 00:11:14,307 --> 00:11:16,309 You gotta get Julie up out of here, man. 370 00:11:16,311 --> 00:11:18,778 No, Nate, I need Julie here today. 371 00:11:18,779 --> 00:11:20,079 Josh just broke up with me and I need 372 00:11:20,080 --> 00:11:21,679 her here in case I have a feeling. 373 00:11:21,680 --> 00:11:23,148 Yeah, I'm basically like his service rabbit. 374 00:11:23,149 --> 00:11:24,383 Oh, you know what we should do? 375 00:11:24,384 --> 00:11:26,352 We should get me a vest that says, 376 00:11:26,353 --> 00:11:27,953 "Emotional support animal. 377 00:11:27,953 --> 00:11:29,490 Do not touch or talk to. 378 00:11:29,491 --> 00:11:30,956 Please feed." 379 00:11:30,957 --> 00:11:32,157 Oh my God, I have to stop 380 00:11:32,158 --> 00:11:33,792 following Deadline on Twitter. 381 00:11:33,793 --> 00:11:35,361 - Why, what happened? - Do you remember that girl 382 00:11:35,362 --> 00:11:37,463 Stephanie Goldstein from our improv class? 383 00:11:37,464 --> 00:11:39,798 Oh, the one that never heard of Monty Python? 384 00:11:39,799 --> 00:11:41,435 Yeah. She just signed with CAA. 385 00:11:41,436 --> 00:11:42,469 Oh, shut up. 386 00:11:42,470 --> 00:11:43,836 It was just announced. 387 00:11:43,837 --> 00:11:45,069 When's it gonna be our turn? 388 00:11:45,071 --> 00:11:47,139 Everybody we came up with in comedy 389 00:11:47,140 --> 00:11:48,974 has either quit to start a family 390 00:11:48,974 --> 00:11:50,409 or gone on to great success 391 00:11:50,410 --> 00:11:51,844 in film and television. 392 00:11:51,845 --> 00:11:53,279 I know, and I'm sitting here, 393 00:11:53,280 --> 00:11:55,079 checking Twitter for faves and retweets 394 00:11:55,081 --> 00:11:56,815 and just keep pressing and "Who faved me? 395 00:11:56,816 --> 00:11:58,716 Who faved me? Oh, Andy Richter faved me. 396 00:11:58,717 --> 00:12:00,252 Oh, this is the best day ever." 397 00:12:00,253 --> 00:12:01,754 Like I'm fucking pressing 398 00:12:01,755 --> 00:12:03,789 for some pain medication in a hospital. 399 00:12:03,790 --> 00:12:05,291 And I'm looking for reassurance, 400 00:12:05,292 --> 00:12:07,192 that I should have probably gotten from my mother, 401 00:12:07,193 --> 00:12:09,128 from internet commenters who say, 402 00:12:09,129 --> 00:12:10,329 "Great recap, Julie!" 403 00:12:10,330 --> 00:12:12,233 and, "Boy, that sure was good," 404 00:12:12,234 --> 00:12:15,869 even though deep down I know that... 405 00:12:15,870 --> 00:12:17,169 I'll never be enough. 406 00:12:17,170 --> 00:12:19,104 Excuse me? Um, I hate to interrupt, 407 00:12:19,105 --> 00:12:20,906 I can tell, clearly, you're going through 408 00:12:20,907 --> 00:12:22,176 a lot here, but, um, 409 00:12:22,177 --> 00:12:23,810 could I get this to go? 410 00:12:23,811 --> 00:12:25,880 I'm late for chemo. 411 00:12:27,882 --> 00:12:30,317 Our photo shoot was on fleek. 412 00:12:30,318 --> 00:12:31,352 You were flawless. 413 00:12:31,353 --> 00:12:32,852 No, you were flawless. 414 00:12:32,853 --> 00:12:35,287 Oh, we both were gorgeous. 415 00:12:36,258 --> 00:12:37,791 Billy, get rid of her. 416 00:12:37,792 --> 00:12:38,924 I just bought a lottery ticket 417 00:12:38,925 --> 00:12:40,225 and I can't have some 418 00:12:40,226 --> 00:12:41,794 copper-topped curse hanging around. 419 00:12:41,795 --> 00:12:43,228 Denise, you have a business degree 420 00:12:43,229 --> 00:12:44,930 from Holy Cross, please stop pretending 421 00:12:44,931 --> 00:12:46,365 that you're an unreasonable person. 422 00:12:46,366 --> 00:12:47,868 Redheads are not bad luck. 423 00:12:47,869 --> 00:12:49,169 Mm-hm. 424 00:12:49,170 --> 00:12:51,205 Well, I know one person who's clearly jinxed. 425 00:12:51,205 --> 00:12:52,472 Billy! 426 00:12:52,473 --> 00:12:54,474 Matthew, that's enough. 427 00:12:54,475 --> 00:12:56,008 Sorry that NAMBLA doesn't have 428 00:12:56,009 --> 00:12:57,142 a "Ones to Watch" section 429 00:12:57,143 --> 00:12:58,444 in their monthly newsletter 430 00:12:58,445 --> 00:13:00,815 that you could use as a press clipping. 431 00:13:02,917 --> 00:13:04,249 Oh, I forgot to mention. 432 00:13:04,250 --> 00:13:06,387 Um, when Denise and I were walking over here, 433 00:13:06,388 --> 00:13:07,921 we saw Josh. 434 00:13:07,922 --> 00:13:09,154 He was holding hands with another guy 435 00:13:09,155 --> 00:13:11,192 and they were smiling really big. 436 00:13:15,396 --> 00:13:17,932 Do you want to take a walk around the block? 437 00:13:17,933 --> 00:13:21,333 We can talk about Susan Sarandon. 438 00:13:21,334 --> 00:13:23,004 Beats taking deep breaths. 439 00:13:23,005 --> 00:13:25,138 Okay, ping-pong. Why? 440 00:13:25,139 --> 00:13:27,206 Well, does she still have the ping-pong bar? 441 00:13:27,207 --> 00:13:30,009 As far as I know it's not a pizza place yet. 442 00:13:30,010 --> 00:13:31,709 - She can do anything. - Geena Davis. 443 00:13:31,710 --> 00:13:32,446 Do you think they're friends? 444 00:13:32,447 --> 00:13:33,914 I think they email. 445 00:13:42,024 --> 00:13:43,090 So why don't you tell me why 446 00:13:43,091 --> 00:13:44,160 you're here today, Billy. 447 00:13:44,161 --> 00:13:46,027 I'd like to eat less pasta. 448 00:13:46,028 --> 00:13:47,228 I thought there was a boy. 449 00:13:47,229 --> 00:13:48,462 Yeah, there's a boy too. 450 00:13:48,463 --> 00:13:49,964 His name is Josh, I'm trying to get over, 451 00:13:49,965 --> 00:13:51,265 but honestly, if you could just 452 00:13:51,266 --> 00:13:53,100 hypnotize me to stop eating pasta 453 00:13:53,101 --> 00:13:54,868 all the goddamn time, I'd be thrilled. 454 00:13:54,869 --> 00:13:56,303 Oh, I'm not eating sugar right now. 455 00:13:56,304 --> 00:13:57,940 It takes a lot of resolve. 456 00:13:57,941 --> 00:13:59,307 - Okay. - Yeah. 457 00:13:59,308 --> 00:14:00,407 Anyway, we could talk all day, 458 00:14:00,408 --> 00:14:01,475 but why don't you lie down 459 00:14:01,475 --> 00:14:02,979 and we'll get you hypnotized. 460 00:14:02,980 --> 00:14:04,180 Okay. 461 00:14:06,015 --> 00:14:08,150 Okay, get yourself settled, good. 462 00:14:08,151 --> 00:14:10,986 Now, what I want you to do now, Billy, 463 00:14:10,987 --> 00:14:12,621 is close your eyes 464 00:14:12,622 --> 00:14:15,091 and take some deep breaths. 465 00:14:18,661 --> 00:14:21,129 How's this thing work? 466 00:14:21,129 --> 00:14:24,299 Wait a minute, we gotta turn it on. 467 00:14:24,300 --> 00:14:26,300 What? Okay, now I'm watching a video. 468 00:14:26,301 --> 00:14:28,604 Do you need me to do something or...? 469 00:14:28,605 --> 00:14:30,504 Oh, there it goes. Okay. 470 00:14:33,009 --> 00:14:34,074 Now, what I want you to do 471 00:14:34,075 --> 00:14:35,611 is picture a staircase. 472 00:14:35,612 --> 00:14:38,413 You're at the bottom of the staircase now 473 00:14:38,414 --> 00:14:40,116 and when you reach the top, 474 00:14:40,117 --> 00:14:41,983 you'll be hypnotized. 475 00:14:41,984 --> 00:14:43,918 I have a very breathy voice 476 00:14:43,919 --> 00:14:45,354 and I'm very good at this, 477 00:14:45,355 --> 00:14:47,922 so just let go. 478 00:14:47,923 --> 00:14:50,058 This is your time. 479 00:14:50,059 --> 00:14:52,594 This is all about you. 480 00:14:52,595 --> 00:14:55,664 Think about the shoes you're wearing. 481 00:14:55,665 --> 00:14:58,466 How do they feel? 482 00:14:58,467 --> 00:15:00,602 I usually wear Aerosoles. 483 00:15:00,603 --> 00:15:02,103 I also like Merrells. 484 00:15:02,104 --> 00:15:05,140 Zappos.com is terrific. 485 00:15:05,141 --> 00:15:06,509 Are you still hypnotizing me? 486 00:15:06,510 --> 00:15:07,609 Yes. 487 00:15:07,610 --> 00:15:10,245 Take another deep breath. 488 00:15:10,246 --> 00:15:12,180 Ah, you're on the fourth step now. 489 00:15:12,182 --> 00:15:15,016 Your hands and your legs are heavy. 490 00:15:15,017 --> 00:15:16,618 Congratulations, 491 00:15:16,619 --> 00:15:19,421 you are hypnotized. 492 00:15:19,422 --> 00:15:21,022 Okay. 493 00:15:21,023 --> 00:15:22,625 Billy, seriously, you have got to 494 00:15:22,626 --> 00:15:24,959 knock it off with the pasta. 495 00:15:24,960 --> 00:15:26,094 All right. 496 00:15:26,095 --> 00:15:27,496 Okay, and what's this guy's name? 497 00:15:27,497 --> 00:15:29,097 - Josh. - From now on, 498 00:15:29,097 --> 00:15:31,000 you're not gonna think about him anymore. 499 00:15:31,001 --> 00:15:31,866 Got it. 500 00:15:31,867 --> 00:15:33,200 Okay, good. 501 00:15:33,201 --> 00:15:35,437 Now, I'd like to take the time 502 00:15:35,438 --> 00:15:37,471 to bonus hypnotize you 503 00:15:37,472 --> 00:15:38,605 to call a car service 504 00:15:38,606 --> 00:15:39,973 if you ever find yourself 505 00:15:39,974 --> 00:15:41,377 in a deserted neighborhood. 506 00:15:41,378 --> 00:15:44,211 I do not like to think of you and Julie 507 00:15:44,213 --> 00:15:45,480 wandering around Brooklyn 508 00:15:45,481 --> 00:15:47,282 or wherever at night. 509 00:15:47,283 --> 00:15:49,617 - Okay. - I mean, can you imagine 510 00:15:49,618 --> 00:15:51,118 being in a strange neighborhood 511 00:15:51,119 --> 00:15:52,419 and having to find a restaurant 512 00:15:52,420 --> 00:15:53,689 so you could ask them if you could use 513 00:15:53,690 --> 00:15:55,123 their bathroom? 514 00:15:55,123 --> 00:15:56,523 And then you'd have to order, 515 00:15:56,524 --> 00:15:58,327 I don't know, plantains or something, 516 00:15:58,328 --> 00:15:59,928 before they'd let you. 517 00:15:59,929 --> 00:16:02,463 And what if you didn't have your cell phone? 518 00:16:02,464 --> 00:16:04,200 Why wouldn't I have my cell phone? 519 00:16:04,201 --> 00:16:06,334 Because teenagers steal them. 520 00:16:06,335 --> 00:16:07,867 This is a trend, I read about it 521 00:16:07,868 --> 00:16:09,203 in the Wall Street Journal. 522 00:16:09,204 --> 00:16:10,606 - You did? - Yeah, they've got 523 00:16:10,607 --> 00:16:12,040 local stories too, 524 00:16:12,041 --> 00:16:14,109 and great articles on TV. 525 00:16:14,110 --> 00:16:15,111 Apparently, it's a big time 526 00:16:15,112 --> 00:16:16,544 for women in comedy. 527 00:16:16,545 --> 00:16:19,013 Yeah, no, I love women in comedy. 528 00:16:19,014 --> 00:16:20,281 Billy? 529 00:16:20,282 --> 00:16:22,117 Does Julie have a shot? 530 00:16:22,118 --> 00:16:23,218 I think so. 531 00:16:23,219 --> 00:16:24,519 I think she's funny, 532 00:16:24,521 --> 00:16:26,956 but none of my friends do. 533 00:16:29,191 --> 00:16:31,025 - Hi! - Gabby! 534 00:16:31,026 --> 00:16:32,928 Don't those shoes look comfortable. 535 00:16:32,929 --> 00:16:34,996 Thank you. Come on in. 536 00:16:34,997 --> 00:16:38,066 Guys, this is Julie and Arthur. 537 00:16:38,067 --> 00:16:39,135 Do you guys like seaweed 538 00:16:39,136 --> 00:16:40,335 or coconut water? 539 00:16:40,336 --> 00:16:41,502 We're not serving either, 540 00:16:41,503 --> 00:16:42,603 we were just talking about food 541 00:16:42,604 --> 00:16:44,071 right before you got here. 542 00:16:44,072 --> 00:16:45,540 Everybody, please look down, 543 00:16:45,542 --> 00:16:47,308 I lost my earring. 544 00:16:47,309 --> 00:16:49,577 It's made entirely of hemp. 545 00:16:49,578 --> 00:16:51,379 I'm at a terrible party. 546 00:16:51,380 --> 00:16:53,347 Hi, I'm Billy, Julie invited me 547 00:16:53,348 --> 00:16:54,116 to your home. 548 00:16:54,117 --> 00:16:55,049 Oh. 549 00:16:55,050 --> 00:16:56,418 - Hi. - Hi, Billy. 550 00:16:56,419 --> 00:16:58,452 - Oh, thank God. - Hi, so Mira Sorvino-- 551 00:16:58,453 --> 00:16:59,586 So, I was just telling Gabby 552 00:16:59,587 --> 00:17:01,255 how you and Billy might be 553 00:17:01,256 --> 00:17:03,056 on your phones all night, tweeting the Oscars 554 00:17:03,057 --> 00:17:04,393 so she shouldn't get offended. 555 00:17:04,394 --> 00:17:06,127 I don't get Twitter. 556 00:17:06,128 --> 00:17:07,496 Why would I want to let everyone know 557 00:17:07,497 --> 00:17:09,998 what I had for lunch today? 558 00:17:09,999 --> 00:17:11,398 But wait, can you delete a tweet 559 00:17:11,399 --> 00:17:13,300 or a twit or whatever if you want to? 560 00:17:13,301 --> 00:17:15,068 Yeah, um, just the other day 561 00:17:15,069 --> 00:17:16,572 I tweeted something about Blue Ivy 562 00:17:16,573 --> 00:17:17,939 that I took down. 563 00:17:17,940 --> 00:17:19,641 Blue Ivy, she is so cute. 564 00:17:19,642 --> 00:17:21,444 Oh, uh, Julie, this is Kathy. 565 00:17:21,445 --> 00:17:23,411 Hi. Don't I know you? 566 00:17:23,412 --> 00:17:25,180 I don't think so, but... 567 00:17:25,181 --> 00:17:26,613 I think we have the same iPhone case. 568 00:17:26,614 --> 00:17:27,883 Do you like Taylor Swift? 569 00:17:27,884 --> 00:17:30,051 Oh God, no, no. This is ironic. 570 00:17:30,052 --> 00:17:31,552 I actually bought it with Diet Coke coupons 571 00:17:31,553 --> 00:17:33,255 after my last phone fell into a touch tank 572 00:17:33,256 --> 00:17:35,290 at the Coney Island Aquarium. 573 00:17:35,291 --> 00:17:37,192 Long story. 574 00:17:37,193 --> 00:17:40,528 So, uh, what did you say about Blue Ivy? 575 00:17:40,529 --> 00:17:42,964 I swear I feel like we've met. 576 00:17:42,965 --> 00:17:44,999 I said something like, um, 577 00:17:45,000 --> 00:17:46,168 "I can't wait for Blue Ivy 578 00:17:46,169 --> 00:17:47,535 to be old enough..." 579 00:17:47,536 --> 00:17:49,538 Gosh, she's already so big, right? 580 00:17:49,539 --> 00:17:52,407 Somebody mute the commercials! 581 00:17:52,408 --> 00:17:54,310 "I can't wait for Blue Ivy to be 582 00:17:54,311 --> 00:17:57,278 old enough for R. Kelly to piss on her." 583 00:17:57,279 --> 00:17:58,380 Because you know R. Kelly likes 584 00:17:58,381 --> 00:17:59,914 pissing on children. 585 00:17:59,915 --> 00:18:01,417 Who are older than infants, allegedly, 586 00:18:01,417 --> 00:18:03,451 but, you know, not by much. 587 00:18:03,452 --> 00:18:05,221 I mean, he's basically a sex offender. 588 00:18:05,222 --> 00:18:07,288 And depending on, you know, 589 00:18:07,289 --> 00:18:09,958 whether the charges are true, 590 00:18:09,959 --> 00:18:11,926 allegedly a pedophile. 591 00:18:11,927 --> 00:18:13,929 Allegedly. 592 00:18:16,131 --> 00:18:17,199 Mm. 593 00:18:18,735 --> 00:18:22,439 Yeah, I remember who you are now. 594 00:18:22,440 --> 00:18:23,640 You sat behind me at "Annie" 595 00:18:23,641 --> 00:18:25,107 with your gay friend. 596 00:18:25,109 --> 00:18:26,474 There was a small earthquake in LA, 597 00:18:26,476 --> 00:18:27,644 but don't worry, Emmy Rossum is fine. 598 00:18:27,645 --> 00:18:29,646 - Oh, thank God. - Oh, yeah, 599 00:18:29,646 --> 00:18:31,315 I remember the both of you. 600 00:18:31,316 --> 00:18:32,882 Oh, hi! 601 00:18:32,883 --> 00:18:36,152 Hi! You're both disgusting people. 602 00:18:36,153 --> 00:18:37,686 And you, you think it's funny 603 00:18:37,687 --> 00:18:40,222 to make jokes about urinating on children? 604 00:18:40,223 --> 00:18:42,390 Obviously I don't because I took down the tweet. 605 00:18:42,391 --> 00:18:43,391 You only took it down 606 00:18:43,392 --> 00:18:44,495 because you got in trouble. 607 00:18:44,496 --> 00:18:45,761 Of course I did. 608 00:18:45,763 --> 00:18:47,362 If people loved it, I would have left it up. 609 00:18:47,363 --> 00:18:48,630 Noodles, come on, the show's back on. 610 00:18:48,631 --> 00:18:50,365 Let's watch TV and, uh, pretend 611 00:18:50,366 --> 00:18:51,633 what just happened didn't happen. 612 00:18:51,634 --> 00:18:53,168 You know, we may be missing a crucial 613 00:18:53,169 --> 00:18:54,570 red carpet moment with Giuliana Rancic. 614 00:18:54,571 --> 00:18:56,472 What if she interacts with Maria Menounos? 615 00:18:56,473 --> 00:18:57,706 - Could you imagine? - I'd kill myself. 616 00:18:57,707 --> 00:18:59,174 Well, the two of their matchstick bodies 617 00:18:59,175 --> 00:19:00,442 would probably create a giant fire, 618 00:19:00,443 --> 00:19:01,744 you could just throw yourself right into it. 619 00:19:01,745 --> 00:19:03,147 You know, that's how Gene Siskel died. 620 00:19:03,148 --> 00:19:05,315 Julie, Billy, please, 621 00:19:05,315 --> 00:19:06,782 this is a work party, 622 00:19:06,784 --> 00:19:08,117 I need you two to be more polite 623 00:19:08,118 --> 00:19:09,150 to non-each other people. 624 00:19:09,152 --> 00:19:10,185 Okay, just for tonight. 625 00:19:10,186 --> 00:19:11,288 I'm so sorry, Arthur. 626 00:19:11,289 --> 00:19:13,556 We will keep a low profile. 627 00:19:13,557 --> 00:19:15,691 Billy! 628 00:19:15,692 --> 00:19:17,627 We brought hummus and MDMA! 629 00:19:17,628 --> 00:19:18,894 I'm so sorry, I invited some people over 630 00:19:18,895 --> 00:19:20,262 without your permission. 631 00:19:20,263 --> 00:19:21,432 Hi, come in, come in, come in. 632 00:19:21,433 --> 00:19:22,867 Hey guys! 633 00:19:24,635 --> 00:19:26,068 Oh no. 634 00:19:26,069 --> 00:19:27,202 Kevin, do you know her? 635 00:19:27,203 --> 00:19:28,771 Yes, we met the other day. 636 00:19:28,772 --> 00:19:30,539 She came in to pitch me library water. 637 00:19:30,540 --> 00:19:32,073 Would you keep your voice down? 638 00:19:32,074 --> 00:19:33,575 No one's gonna steal that idea. 639 00:19:33,576 --> 00:19:35,778 Wait, why are you two holding hands? 640 00:19:35,779 --> 00:19:37,179 We're married, idiot. 641 00:19:37,180 --> 00:19:38,180 Remember, I showed you 642 00:19:38,181 --> 00:19:39,381 a photo of our kids. 643 00:19:39,382 --> 00:19:40,682 Mentos and Marlboro! 644 00:19:40,683 --> 00:19:43,187 - Memphis and Maverick! - How are they? 645 00:19:43,188 --> 00:19:46,890 Billy, we invited some more people over! 646 00:19:46,891 --> 00:19:48,724 Hi, I'm Josh. 647 00:19:48,725 --> 00:19:49,860 Hi. 648 00:19:51,529 --> 00:19:52,629 Hey Josh. 649 00:19:52,629 --> 00:19:54,531 Hey! How are you? 650 00:19:54,532 --> 00:19:55,865 I'm-I'm great. 651 00:19:55,866 --> 00:19:57,835 - Good, good. - Can I take your coat? 652 00:19:57,836 --> 00:19:59,335 Yeah, sure. 653 00:19:59,336 --> 00:20:00,604 Sorry, I never know what to wear 654 00:20:00,605 --> 00:20:02,104 in this weather. 655 00:20:02,106 --> 00:20:03,672 Yeah, I know, it's like it's cold and it's hot 656 00:20:03,673 --> 00:20:05,106 and it's cold and it's hot 657 00:20:05,107 --> 00:20:06,241 and I put on my light spring jacket 658 00:20:06,242 --> 00:20:07,242 and it ends up getting soaked 659 00:20:07,243 --> 00:20:08,544 with pollen and snow and... 660 00:20:08,545 --> 00:20:10,579 - Is that a yarmulke? - Yeah. 661 00:20:10,580 --> 00:20:12,516 You know, I started going to shul more. 662 00:20:12,517 --> 00:20:14,518 No, no. Goodbye. 663 00:20:18,489 --> 00:20:19,621 Where are we even? 664 00:20:19,622 --> 00:20:20,724 It's been forever. 665 00:20:20,725 --> 00:20:22,292 I really have to pee. 666 00:20:22,293 --> 00:20:23,294 Train's only a block away, 667 00:20:23,294 --> 00:20:24,794 or it should be. 668 00:20:24,795 --> 00:20:25,729 So you're telling me you're completely 669 00:20:25,730 --> 00:20:27,130 over Josh, just now? 670 00:20:27,131 --> 00:20:28,431 Yup. 671 00:20:28,432 --> 00:20:29,764 I have no feelings for him whatsoever. 672 00:20:29,765 --> 00:20:30,866 And you don't think that has anything to do 673 00:20:30,867 --> 00:20:32,203 with my mom hypnotizing you? 674 00:20:32,204 --> 00:20:33,570 No. You saw him. 675 00:20:33,571 --> 00:20:34,603 He's the type of Jewish guy that 676 00:20:34,604 --> 00:20:36,104 wears a yarmulke all the time. 677 00:20:36,105 --> 00:20:37,138 What about pasta? 678 00:20:37,140 --> 00:20:38,273 Oh, I'd stick my dick 679 00:20:38,274 --> 00:20:39,474 in a bowl of pasta right now. 680 00:20:39,475 --> 00:20:40,811 Okay, this is where the train's 681 00:20:40,812 --> 00:20:43,146 supposed to be. Ghost train. 682 00:20:43,147 --> 00:20:44,446 Look, we are never going to find this subway, 683 00:20:44,447 --> 00:20:46,116 so can we please just get a car? 684 00:20:46,117 --> 00:20:48,519 I'll get an Uber. 685 00:20:51,488 --> 00:20:53,756 Oh no. Look. 686 00:20:53,757 --> 00:20:55,691 This isn't my phone. 687 00:20:55,692 --> 00:20:57,228 That garbage person Kathy 688 00:20:57,229 --> 00:20:59,095 must have taken mine. 689 00:20:59,096 --> 00:21:00,362 Arthur, could you call a car? 690 00:21:00,363 --> 00:21:02,331 I really have to go to the bathroom. 691 00:21:02,332 --> 00:21:03,431 Well, I'm sure she'll give 692 00:21:03,432 --> 00:21:04,399 yours back when she realizes. 693 00:21:04,400 --> 00:21:05,667 She's not a total monster. 694 00:21:05,668 --> 00:21:07,269 It says the driver's 18 minutes away. 695 00:21:07,270 --> 00:21:09,204 Oh, I can't hold it for that long. 696 00:21:09,205 --> 00:21:10,641 Julie, you are not going to piss yourself 697 00:21:10,642 --> 00:21:11,741 on this street. 698 00:21:11,742 --> 00:21:13,342 Now it says he's 23 minutes away. 699 00:21:13,342 --> 00:21:14,809 No, no, no, no, no, no. 700 00:21:14,811 --> 00:21:16,111 I'll read you some Oscar tweets 701 00:21:16,112 --> 00:21:17,712 to distract you. Ready? Listen. 702 00:21:17,713 --> 00:21:19,114 Here's one from Gabe. 703 00:21:19,115 --> 00:21:20,784 He said, "This is a big comeback 704 00:21:20,785 --> 00:21:22,252 for Natalie Portman, 705 00:21:22,253 --> 00:21:23,787 who was unemployed for almost 9 years 706 00:21:23,788 --> 00:21:25,221 before turning 9." 707 00:21:25,222 --> 00:21:27,455 - That's funny. - Driver unavailable. 708 00:21:27,457 --> 00:21:28,792 I'll read you some more. 709 00:21:28,793 --> 00:21:31,093 Here's one from... 710 00:21:31,095 --> 00:21:32,763 Wait, here's one from you. 711 00:21:32,764 --> 00:21:33,796 What? 712 00:21:33,797 --> 00:21:35,565 From like a half hour ago. 713 00:21:35,566 --> 00:21:37,366 How is that possible? 714 00:21:37,367 --> 00:21:40,703 Holy shit. 715 00:21:40,704 --> 00:21:43,673 "I'm a jerk who hates kids with cool names 716 00:21:43,674 --> 00:21:45,709 and thinks it's funny when children 717 00:21:45,710 --> 00:21:47,844 get pissed on, when in fact, 718 00:21:47,845 --> 00:21:50,514 I deserve to get pissed on." 719 00:21:57,288 --> 00:21:58,722 Touché, Kathy. 720 00:22:00,524 --> 00:22:01,725 Touché. 721 00:22:04,433 --> 00:22:10,226 Sync by zep73 Corrections by n17t01 www.addic7ed.com 49096

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