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WWW.MY-SUBS.CO
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- Tourists!
- Come to our show.
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00:00:03,813 --> 00:00:06,248
- Hey, tourists!
- No need to wait in line
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00:00:06,249 --> 00:00:07,749
for Broadway show tickets.
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00:00:07,750 --> 00:00:10,352
New show "Swiftical," the musical.
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00:00:10,353 --> 00:00:11,786
We want to see "Hamilton."
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But it’s the New York Fringe Festival.
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Come on. Taylor Swift.
It’s tomorrow night.
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Oh, we want to see "Hamilton," though.
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00:00:17,994 --> 00:00:20,395
Well, Lin-Manuel Miranda
endorsed our show.
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His quote is right there on the flyer.
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Who is Lin-Manuel Miranda?
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We want to see "Hamilton."
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Ugh. These mutants.
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I’ll go get us some Bubba Gump.
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Where’d you get that Lin-Manuel quote?
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- I made it up.
- Brilliant.
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Hey, you look like you
were homeschooled.
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Come see our show.
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It’s about your hero, Taylor Swift.
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Yeah, and it’s also about "Hamilton."
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Do you think this is the closest
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these people have ever been
to an actual Jew before?
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Probably the closest is ordering
a cinnamon-raisin bagel
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at Einstein Brothers.
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Oh, my God, that chain. Do you
think they did a focus group
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00:00:48,191 --> 00:00:50,960
and they were like, "Okay,
which Jew do you hate least?"
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And people were like, “I don’t know.
Albert Einstein.”
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Yeah, well, what’s the one other
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national bagel brand people know?
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Lenders.
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I know. Exactly.
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Because Money-Lending,
Hook-nosed, Sneaky,
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00:01:00,670 --> 00:01:03,738
Showbusiness Rat Jew Bagels
was too long of a name
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00:01:03,739 --> 00:01:04,806
to fit on the bag.
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00:01:04,807 --> 00:01:07,142
Hey! You guys like comedy?
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00:01:07,143 --> 00:01:08,243
Well, we used to.
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00:01:08,244 --> 00:01:09,544
Yeah. Now we do it.
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I tried to get us
reservations at Le Cirque,
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00:01:15,585 --> 00:01:17,719
but this place is way more expensive.
40
00:01:17,720 --> 00:01:19,554
Remember on Real Housewives
when Aviva Drescher
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00:01:19,555 --> 00:01:20,889
threw her leg at Le Cirque?
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I wonder if they got to keep that leg.
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What if it’s attached
to their restroom key?
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"Mom, this is very generous of you."
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Mom, this is very generous of
you to take us out to lunch
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to celebrate our big play
opening tomorrow night.
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Play? That’s not ringing any bells.
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No. I invited you here because
I have very good news.
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00:01:36,439 --> 00:01:39,208
Savannah Guthrie finally found
an eye shadow that flatters her?
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00:01:39,209 --> 00:01:40,742
You know, I never knew it was possible
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00:01:40,743 --> 00:01:42,044
for a woman to clash
with their own eyelids.
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I have been tapped by Bravo
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to be an in-house psych consultant
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00:01:45,982 --> 00:01:49,751
when they audition reality
show cast members!
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- What?
- They bring me women;
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I interview them;
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and then I give them my
professional opinion
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whether they would have
a nervous breakdown
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and whether that breakdown would
be compelling television.
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00:01:58,461 --> 00:02:00,062
Who do you know at Bravo?
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00:02:00,063 --> 00:02:02,064
And can they please explain
"The People’s Couch"?
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00:02:02,065 --> 00:02:04,799
A very sweet therapist friend
of mine was up for the job
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00:02:04,800 --> 00:02:06,801
and she wanted me to
write a recommendation,
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00:02:06,802 --> 00:02:10,072
but instead I submitted myself.
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00:02:10,073 --> 00:02:11,640
So you Gwyneth Paltrow’d the job
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right from under her nose?
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00:02:12,708 --> 00:02:14,276
So I am going to help cast
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00:02:14,277 --> 00:02:17,679
the new "Real Housewives
of New York City."
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00:02:17,680 --> 00:02:19,314
Well, Mom, maybe I should
give you a heads-up
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about the kind of women who
are stars on that network.
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Why? Because I can’t do my own job?
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No. It’s because you haven’t
watched those shows
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and I have more experience.
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00:02:26,656 --> 00:02:29,024
Honestly, Julie, when did my
good news become all about you?
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Moments after my theater debut became
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about your new television job.
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I am very good at
diagnosing people quickly.
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Yes. I am too.
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As soon as I saw Paula Abdul
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dancing around with that cartoon cat,
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I knew that woman would
have a problem with pills.
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Thanks again for forcing
Billy to cast me
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in his Taylor Swift musical, Mommy.
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Muah.
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Casting you was common sense.
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You’re a god damn star.
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Besides, I told him that
if he didn’t cast you,
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he couldn’t have the night off.
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Who knows? Maybe it’ll be a
big hit like "Hamilton."
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You mean the play I wrote?
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00:03:00,356 --> 00:03:02,124
God damn it. Not again.
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00:03:02,125 --> 00:03:03,792
No, no, no. Lin-Manuel
Miranda wrote "Hamilton."
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Bullshit.
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00:03:05,361 --> 00:03:07,997
Lin and I went to the same
elementary school in Inwood.
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00:03:07,998 --> 00:03:09,898
In the fourth grade, I
presented a book report
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00:03:09,899 --> 00:03:12,201
on Alexander Hamilton, and it rhymed.
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That’s when Lin got the idea.
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Now he’s onstage every night,
and that could’ve been me
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00:03:17,173 --> 00:03:18,740
getting the MacArthur Genius Grant
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00:03:18,741 --> 00:03:20,943
for making hip-hop
accessible to Ben Brantley.
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Oh, I’m so sorry
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that instead you’re a
successful business owner
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with a gorgeous wife.
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This guy.
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Why are there 12 cases of
olive oil in the kitchen?
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Is there some sort of sex party
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the trans waitress wasn’t invited to?
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- Take two.
- Why are there 12 cases
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of olive oil in the kitchen?
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If Alec Baldwin is coming in here,
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I refuse to serve his problematic ass.
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- Bring it on.
- Why are there 12 cases
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of olive oil in the kitchen?
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00:03:43,499 --> 00:03:44,899
If CeeLo Green is coming in here,
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I have not forgotten
his tweets about rape.
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- Brava.
- We feel good about that one?
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Restaurant week starts off tomorrow.
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We’ve got 400 customers
coming in a single day.
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Oh, the meat just came.
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Tonight the vegetables come,
and we’ll be good to go.
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Ugh. We better be.
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Restaurant Week is our only chance
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to undo the damage done
by that evil Zagats.
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00:04:02,318 --> 00:04:03,818
So you don’t want me to come in?
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00:04:03,819 --> 00:04:06,788
Is that it? I’m the secret shame?
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00:04:06,789 --> 00:04:08,190
I’m just supposed to hide out of sight?
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00:04:08,191 --> 00:04:10,259
Girl, you’re not getting the night off.
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Fuck!
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Got 400 people coming through.
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Denise, mama, I’m gonna tell you
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the same thing I told Tommy Tune
and those seven chorus boys:
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it’s physically impossible to
fit all those people in here.
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00:04:22,138 --> 00:04:23,805
But it sure would be fun to try.
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00:04:29,512 --> 00:04:31,213
Candidate number 23.
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00:04:31,214 --> 00:04:32,847
When do I get to meet Andy Cohen?
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00:04:32,848 --> 00:04:34,183
Please focus, Marilyn.
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00:04:34,184 --> 00:04:35,985
Would Melissa make a good housewife?
138
00:04:35,986 --> 00:04:37,219
You know, it’s funny.
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00:04:37,220 --> 00:04:38,921
Melissa... she said something to me
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that reminded me of my wedding.
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00:04:40,156 --> 00:04:41,856
It was 1969. I was a knockout.
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00:04:41,857 --> 00:04:43,392
Stay on topic, Marilyn.
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00:04:43,393 --> 00:04:46,395
Is Melissa stable enough
to be on a reality show?
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00:04:46,396 --> 00:04:49,999
Well, stability is subjective.
A couple of years ago,
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I thought that stevia was
the right sweetener for me.
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My A1C had come back...
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Moving on.
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00:04:55,071 --> 00:04:58,873
Olivia. We worry that Olivia
may too normal for the show,
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00:04:58,874 --> 00:05:01,043
but fans do like strong,
confident women.
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00:05:01,044 --> 00:05:02,611
Let me stop you right there.
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00:05:02,612 --> 00:05:05,915
Strength and confidence
are two different things.
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00:05:05,916 --> 00:05:08,717
Let me explain why I have both.
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00:05:08,718 --> 00:05:12,054
Marilyn, we’ve reviewed
25 of the candidates...
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At $1, 000 a pop.
155
00:05:13,523 --> 00:05:15,925
And it’s clear that evaluating others
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may not be the best job for you.
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Well, fuck you, too,
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00:05:18,828 --> 00:05:20,329
and I’ve already invoiced you.
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But I think I may have another job
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for someone as self-inclined as you.
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Go on.
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Baby, you were so right
about moving the tables.
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Yeah. I’m always so right.
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Yeah, but sometimes you’re so wrong.
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Come on. Just call the vegetable people.
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They should’ve been here hours ago.
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You know, you’re even
cute when you’re worried
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about the vegetables coming on time.
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00:05:42,352 --> 00:05:44,286
All right, well, why don’t
I hit you with my car,
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you’ll become a vegetable,
and then I’ll pull the plug?
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00:05:46,756 --> 00:05:49,424
Oh, you gonna pull my plug?
Is that what you’re gonna do?
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00:05:49,425 --> 00:05:51,626
- You gonna pull my plug, huh?
- Why are you so nasty?
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00:05:51,627 --> 00:05:52,894
Please, come and pull my...
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00:05:52,895 --> 00:05:54,596
No, this is not an obscene phone call.
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00:05:54,597 --> 00:05:56,198
I’m sorry. This is Nate from D’s.
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00:05:56,199 --> 00:05:58,267
What time are my vegetables coming?
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00:05:58,268 --> 00:06:00,769
Why can’t our owner
just leave us at home?
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00:06:00,770 --> 00:06:03,105
We’re cats. We hate traveling.
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00:06:03,106 --> 00:06:05,574
I know. Of all the people in the world
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00:06:05,575 --> 00:06:06,608
who could have adopted us,
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00:06:06,609 --> 00:06:08,643
why that bitch Taylor Swift?
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00:06:08,644 --> 00:06:11,446
And then we sing the "Let Me
Shit Alone In A Box" song.
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00:06:11,447 --> 00:06:12,982
Okay. Do you want to go from the top?
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00:06:12,983 --> 00:06:14,416
Yep. Sounds good.
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00:06:14,417 --> 00:06:16,751
Oh, my God. Billy.
We’re almost sold out.
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00:06:16,752 --> 00:06:19,354
What? We’ve never sold
out one of our shows.
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00:06:19,355 --> 00:06:21,823
We’ve never even sold out like
half of one of our shows.
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00:06:21,824 --> 00:06:24,126
And all we did was quote the
guy who wrote "Hamilton"
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on the flyer... I mean,
success by association.
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00:06:26,162 --> 00:06:27,396
You know, when
we decided to do that,
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00:06:27,397 --> 00:06:29,298
I was a little worried, but now I know
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00:06:29,299 --> 00:06:30,499
we were doing the right thing.
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00:06:30,500 --> 00:06:31,633
Excuse me. I’m sorry.
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00:06:31,634 --> 00:06:33,768
Are you Billy Epstein and Julie Kessler?
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00:06:33,769 --> 00:06:35,304
Aw! A fan.
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00:06:35,305 --> 00:06:36,671
What’s your name, little buddy?
197
00:06:36,672 --> 00:06:39,074
Oh, hold on. Let me guess. It’s Bryce.
198
00:06:39,075 --> 00:06:41,912
Are you gay, Bryce? What
can we sign for you?
199
00:06:45,148 --> 00:06:47,182
It’s from Shake It Off, Incorporated.
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00:06:47,183 --> 00:06:48,818
You’ve been served.
201
00:06:51,154 --> 00:06:53,022
It’s a cease and desist
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00:06:53,023 --> 00:06:55,424
from Taylor Swift, herself.
203
00:06:55,425 --> 00:06:57,192
- What?
- Billy!
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00:06:57,193 --> 00:06:59,728
I think you may be better for
the show if you were on it.
205
00:06:59,729 --> 00:07:02,031
The truck just hit a damn
costume shop on 72nd Street.
206
00:07:02,032 --> 00:07:03,732
The vegetables are not coming.
207
00:07:03,733 --> 00:07:06,969
How would you feel about being
Countess LuAnn’s new shrink?
208
00:07:06,970 --> 00:07:08,337
We can’t do "Swiftical"!
209
00:07:08,338 --> 00:07:10,340
- Fuck!
- Terrific!
210
00:07:15,711 --> 00:07:18,147
Well, if the show’s off,
I’m gonna fire Matthew.
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00:07:18,148 --> 00:07:20,049
That’s the only upside to this.
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00:07:21,284 --> 00:07:22,484
- Hey.
- Hey, Matthew.
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00:07:22,485 --> 00:07:23,518
What?
214
00:07:23,519 --> 00:07:24,719
Yeah, hey, the show’s canceled,
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00:07:24,720 --> 00:07:25,820
so you’re fired.
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00:07:25,821 --> 00:07:28,123
Okay.
217
00:07:28,124 --> 00:07:29,358
The only thing more depressing
218
00:07:29,359 --> 00:07:30,926
than having a Fringe Festival show
219
00:07:30,927 --> 00:07:32,727
is having to cancel a
Fringe Festival show.
220
00:07:32,728 --> 00:07:35,564
Yeah. It’s kind of flattering
that we were even on her radar
221
00:07:35,565 --> 00:07:38,300
- enough for us to get sued.
- Fucking Taylor Swift.
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00:07:38,301 --> 00:07:39,768
Oh, hey, look. It’s the two losers
223
00:07:39,769 --> 00:07:41,070
from "The Moth" last year.
224
00:07:41,071 --> 00:07:43,572
- Who the fuck are you?
- Andrea Mumford.
225
00:07:43,573 --> 00:07:47,109
Really? I remember the two
generic white Jews on stage
226
00:07:47,110 --> 00:07:49,211
making pop culture
references in lieu of jokes,
227
00:07:49,212 --> 00:07:51,113
and you have no recall of
a girl in a wheelchair
228
00:07:51,114 --> 00:07:52,948
doing spoken word poetry
about her rapist uncle
229
00:07:52,949 --> 00:07:54,149
for 45 minutes?
230
00:07:54,150 --> 00:07:56,218
Listen, lady. We meet a lot of people.
231
00:07:56,219 --> 00:07:58,120
- Okay.
- What are you even doing here?
232
00:07:58,121 --> 00:08:00,189
Oh, I have to ask the Fringe organizers
233
00:08:00,190 --> 00:08:01,623
to move my show to a bigger venue.
234
00:08:01,624 --> 00:08:03,425
We keep adding dates, but
they keep selling out.
235
00:08:03,426 --> 00:08:05,194
Of course you have a Fringe show.
236
00:08:05,195 --> 00:08:07,196
Yeah, I’m doing a one-woman
version of "Snowpiercer"
237
00:08:07,197 --> 00:08:09,831
where I play all the roles,
including the train.
238
00:08:09,832 --> 00:08:11,833
I’ve already gotten seven Obies,
and it’s not even in previews.
239
00:08:11,834 --> 00:08:14,937
- "Ooh, I’m a train."
- "I’m a train. Choo-choo-choo."
240
00:08:14,938 --> 00:08:16,371
- Fuck you.
- Fuck you too.
241
00:08:16,372 --> 00:08:17,539
You know what? Let me guess.
242
00:08:17,540 --> 00:08:18,941
You two dipshits have a show, too,
243
00:08:18,942 --> 00:08:20,442
but nobody’s seeing it,
244
00:08:20,443 --> 00:08:22,011
so you’re here to ask
for your deposit back.
245
00:08:22,012 --> 00:08:24,279
The joke’s on you, Andrea.
246
00:08:24,280 --> 00:08:26,148
They don’t give you your deposit back.
247
00:08:26,149 --> 00:08:27,382
And as a matter of fact,
248
00:08:27,383 --> 00:08:29,618
we’re just here on a victory lap
249
00:08:29,619 --> 00:08:32,354
because our show just sold
out in such record time.
250
00:08:32,355 --> 00:08:34,089
Pretty important show, too, you know.
251
00:08:34,090 --> 00:08:35,824
Not, like, a train thing, you know.
252
00:08:35,825 --> 00:08:37,126
- No.
- It’s like...
253
00:08:37,127 --> 00:08:38,928
kind of picks up where
"Hamilton" left off.
254
00:08:38,929 --> 00:08:40,695
Really? "Hamilton"?
255
00:08:40,696 --> 00:08:42,664
How is your show anything
like "Hamilton"?
256
00:08:42,665 --> 00:08:44,766
Our show’s exactly like "Hamilton."
257
00:08:44,767 --> 00:08:45,867
- Mm-hm.
- For starters,
258
00:08:45,868 --> 00:08:47,169
it’s about another president.
259
00:08:47,170 --> 00:08:48,570
Well, Hamilton was never a president.
260
00:08:48,571 --> 00:08:50,472
Yeah, and like Hamilton,
it’s a president
261
00:08:50,473 --> 00:08:52,141
that people don’t really
write about a lot,
262
00:08:52,142 --> 00:08:54,076
so our take on him is pretty unique.
263
00:08:54,077 --> 00:08:55,144
I’m gonna tell you one more time:
264
00:08:55,145 --> 00:08:56,511
Hamilton was never president.
265
00:08:56,512 --> 00:08:58,513
Yeah. Nothing wrong with another musical
266
00:08:58,514 --> 00:08:59,548
about presidents.
267
00:08:59,549 --> 00:09:02,584
- Andrea, how are you?
- Hi, Raul.
268
00:09:02,585 --> 00:09:04,286
- Good to see you.
- Thank you. You too.
269
00:09:04,287 --> 00:09:06,288
You know, Billy and Julie
here were just telling me
270
00:09:06,289 --> 00:09:08,057
how fast their show sold out.
271
00:09:08,058 --> 00:09:09,691
"Swiftical"? Really?
272
00:09:09,692 --> 00:09:12,427
Your important "Hamilton"
show is called "Swiftical"?
273
00:09:12,428 --> 00:09:15,530
- No. It’s called "Carter."
- Mm-hm.
274
00:09:15,531 --> 00:09:17,032
’Cause it’s about Jimmy Carter.
275
00:09:17,033 --> 00:09:18,500
- Mm-hm.
- Heard of him?
276
00:09:18,501 --> 00:09:19,801
Yeah, and we were just
coming here to ask Raul
277
00:09:19,802 --> 00:09:21,136
if we could change the title.
278
00:09:21,137 --> 00:09:22,237
Yeah. We’re changing it to "Carter."
279
00:09:22,238 --> 00:09:23,772
"Swiftical" is now "Carter."
280
00:09:23,773 --> 00:09:25,807
Oh, great. Well, how much
like "Hamilton" is it?
281
00:09:25,808 --> 00:09:27,409
- Is there rapping in it?
- Yes.
282
00:09:27,410 --> 00:09:29,811
- Is there hip-hop dancing?
- Oh, yeah.
283
00:09:29,812 --> 00:09:32,381
Well, then, I certainly hope
that I can get a ticket,
284
00:09:32,382 --> 00:09:33,848
’cause I’ll be there.
285
00:09:33,849 --> 00:09:35,784
- I certainly hope you will.
- Oh, I certainly will.
286
00:09:35,785 --> 00:09:37,419
Great. Yeah. See if
you can get a ticket.
287
00:09:37,420 --> 00:09:39,521
- Probably can’t, though.
- Oh, don’t worry.
288
00:09:39,522 --> 00:09:41,223
- What?
- Hey, Matthew. It’s Billy.
289
00:09:41,224 --> 00:09:42,424
The show’s back on. You’re re-hired.
290
00:09:42,425 --> 00:09:44,693
Oh, God.
291
00:09:44,694 --> 00:09:47,462
Fucking Andrea Mumford.
Why did we lie to her?
292
00:09:47,463 --> 00:09:49,398
I don’t know, but we did, and
now we have a show tomorrow,
293
00:09:49,399 --> 00:09:50,832
and we don’t have a single idea.
294
00:09:50,833 --> 00:09:52,667
You could always change
the subject matter
295
00:09:52,668 --> 00:09:53,768
but keep the material.
296
00:09:53,769 --> 00:09:55,637
Arthur, it’s very sweet of you to help,
297
00:09:55,638 --> 00:09:57,372
but please leave the art to the artists,
298
00:09:57,373 --> 00:09:58,873
and the farts to the fartists.
299
00:09:58,874 --> 00:10:00,409
Okay, hear me out.
300
00:10:00,410 --> 00:10:02,044
What if we change the subject matter,
301
00:10:02,045 --> 00:10:04,446
- but we keep the material?
- That’s what I just said.
302
00:10:04,447 --> 00:10:07,983
Are you suggesting that we
Weird Al our own musical?
303
00:10:07,984 --> 00:10:10,552
Change the lyrics but leave
the melodies intact?
304
00:10:10,553 --> 00:10:12,721
Without ever once brushing
out our natural curls? Yes!
305
00:10:12,722 --> 00:10:14,723
Oh, my God. That’s brilliant.
So all we have to do
306
00:10:14,724 --> 00:10:16,491
is change the Taylor Swift specifics
307
00:10:16,492 --> 00:10:18,393
to Jimmy Carter specifics,
and we’re home free.
308
00:10:18,394 --> 00:10:21,763
Yeah. We’ll replace John
Mayer with Yasser Arafat.
309
00:10:29,839 --> 00:10:32,907
♪ Carter, you did a
lot of things I guess ♪
310
00:10:38,014 --> 00:10:39,248
Autosave.
311
00:10:39,249 --> 00:10:41,984
The new script is very creative,
312
00:10:41,985 --> 00:10:45,554
but I’m not comfortable being
credited as historical advisor.
313
00:10:45,555 --> 00:10:47,422
But it’s sweet that I included you.
314
00:10:47,423 --> 00:10:50,859
Yes, but there are things in
here that are not accurate.
315
00:10:50,860 --> 00:10:53,328
- Like what?
- Well,
316
00:10:53,329 --> 00:10:54,763
at no point did Jimmy Carter
317
00:10:54,764 --> 00:10:56,365
weigh in on Suzanne
Somers’ salary dispute
318
00:10:56,366 --> 00:10:57,933
with the producers of "Three’s Company."
319
00:10:57,934 --> 00:11:00,002
And it took me a long time
to figure out who you were
320
00:11:00,003 --> 00:11:02,471
confusing Rosalynn Carter with,
but it’s Emmylou Harris.
321
00:11:02,472 --> 00:11:05,374
Oh, shit. We need to get the
"Carter" flyers printed.
322
00:11:05,375 --> 00:11:06,775
Are there any Kinko’s
left in New York City?
323
00:11:06,776 --> 00:11:08,010
I think there’s one.
324
00:11:08,011 --> 00:11:09,678
But you have to go on the
deep web to find it.
325
00:11:09,679 --> 00:11:11,146
Don’t just stand there, dear.
326
00:11:11,147 --> 00:11:13,149
Cook us breakfast, and then find it.
327
00:11:15,185 --> 00:11:16,685
And just because Jimmy
Carter is from Georgia
328
00:11:16,686 --> 00:11:18,453
does not mean he knew NeNe Leakes.
329
00:11:18,454 --> 00:11:21,157
- Arthur!
- Why can’t you support me?
330
00:11:22,926 --> 00:11:25,627
- Julie!
- Mom. Hi.
331
00:11:25,628 --> 00:11:27,462
Wow, this is where
you’re doing your show?
332
00:11:27,463 --> 00:11:30,132
It’s like the cellar from
"Silence of the Lambs,"
333
00:11:30,133 --> 00:11:31,433
but you haven’t lost weight yet.
334
00:11:31,434 --> 00:11:33,402
What do you want, Mom? I’m busy.
335
00:11:33,403 --> 00:11:35,670
Bravo has asked me to be on camera
336
00:11:35,671 --> 00:11:37,772
as Countess LuAnn’s therapist!
337
00:11:37,773 --> 00:11:40,009
- What?
- They were looking for someone
338
00:11:40,010 --> 00:11:42,077
who felt the benefits
of television exposure
339
00:11:42,078 --> 00:11:45,214
outweighed the slippery slope
of patient confidentiality.
340
00:11:45,215 --> 00:11:46,515
Et voilà!
341
00:11:46,516 --> 00:11:48,417
All right. I got a lot of work to do.
342
00:11:48,418 --> 00:11:50,419
Congrats. I’ll talk to you later.
343
00:11:50,420 --> 00:11:51,886
Well, wait. You watch that show.
344
00:11:51,887 --> 00:11:54,223
You mentioned before that
you might have some advice.
345
00:11:54,224 --> 00:11:56,658
Nope. Nothing. No advice.
346
00:11:56,659 --> 00:11:58,760
Just be yourself, away from me.
347
00:11:58,761 --> 00:12:00,295
Why are you sulking?
348
00:12:00,296 --> 00:12:02,764
I guess I’m just processing the
fact that my mom is gonna be
349
00:12:02,765 --> 00:12:04,166
on TV before I am,
350
00:12:04,167 --> 00:12:05,700
and that my first exposure to audiences
351
00:12:05,701 --> 00:12:07,736
will be as a reality star’s daughter.
352
00:12:07,737 --> 00:12:09,972
- Did you say star?
- All right. You know what, Mom?
353
00:12:09,973 --> 00:12:12,607
My Jimmy Carter musical
is in less than 11 hours,
354
00:12:12,608 --> 00:12:14,643
and I need to rehearse, so...
355
00:12:14,644 --> 00:12:18,380
Carter? I hope you have a song
about how much Israeli blood
356
00:12:18,381 --> 00:12:21,083
is on his hands from his
negotiations with Hamas.
357
00:12:21,084 --> 00:12:23,852
Don’t you pitch me ideas
that you clearly lifted
358
00:12:23,853 --> 00:12:25,288
from "Kiss Me Kate."
359
00:12:27,790 --> 00:12:29,959
So these were all just
lying in the street,
360
00:12:29,960 --> 00:12:31,593
covered in glitter?
361
00:12:31,594 --> 00:12:33,228
Yes. A truck crashed into that
costume store on 72nd Street...
362
00:12:33,229 --> 00:12:35,564
The one near the last remaining
Kinko’s in New York City.
363
00:12:35,565 --> 00:12:37,632
I took everything
era-specific I could find.
364
00:12:37,633 --> 00:12:39,935
That is insane. Although, I have to say
365
00:12:39,936 --> 00:12:41,703
I kind of wish there
was a way we could use
366
00:12:41,704 --> 00:12:43,405
some of the Taylor
Swift stuff, you know?
367
00:12:43,406 --> 00:12:45,474
Like, that cow costume is amazing
368
00:12:45,475 --> 00:12:46,708
- for the Tennessee hoedown.
- You’re right.
369
00:12:46,709 --> 00:12:48,510
There has to be a way we can use it.
370
00:12:48,511 --> 00:12:51,146
Yeah, and we have to use those
fucking kitten costumes too.
371
00:12:51,147 --> 00:12:52,347
And...
372
00:12:52,348 --> 00:12:54,249
I mean, we got to use Mr. Pea...
373
00:12:54,250 --> 00:12:55,650
Don’t even say the name.
374
00:12:55,651 --> 00:12:57,652
I don’t want to risk getting sued again.
375
00:12:57,653 --> 00:13:00,589
But, yes, we have to
make Matthew wear this.
376
00:13:00,590 --> 00:13:02,491
We’ll just call him something else.
377
00:13:02,492 --> 00:13:04,026
Oh, and the flyers came out great too.
378
00:13:04,027 --> 00:13:07,229
Look at these. And it turns
out Lin-Manuel Miranda
379
00:13:07,230 --> 00:13:08,897
- loves this show too.
- Ooh, let me see.
380
00:13:08,898 --> 00:13:10,632
Here. We have to make
Matthew give those out.
381
00:13:10,633 --> 00:13:13,135
Okay, but you know I can only be outside
382
00:13:13,136 --> 00:13:14,536
for about five minutes at a time.
383
00:13:14,537 --> 00:13:16,871
I’m very sensitive to low temperatures.
384
00:13:16,872 --> 00:13:20,642
As you know, my body fat levels
are virtually Chenowethian.
385
00:13:20,643 --> 00:13:22,644
- Fuck you, Matthew.
- Yeah.
386
00:13:22,645 --> 00:13:24,146
What are you two amateurs doing?
387
00:13:24,147 --> 00:13:26,181
We have less than four hours
until the show starts,
388
00:13:26,182 --> 00:13:28,550
and we haven’t even run Amy
Carter’s dream ballet.
389
00:13:28,551 --> 00:13:30,152
Speaking of dreams, Matthew,
390
00:13:30,153 --> 00:13:31,620
I hope one day yours are crushed.
391
00:13:31,621 --> 00:13:33,455
The only thing that’s
getting crushed of mine
392
00:13:33,456 --> 00:13:35,024
is whatever Mr. Sondheim wants
393
00:13:35,025 --> 00:13:38,360
when I’m finally invited to
his alleged sex dungeon.
394
00:13:38,361 --> 00:13:41,596
- What a gorgeous view, LuAnn.
- Yeah. Right?
395
00:13:41,597 --> 00:13:43,632
That’s what you get when
you live in a penthouse.
396
00:13:43,633 --> 00:13:45,968
Good morning, everyone.
Countess, how are you?
397
00:13:45,969 --> 00:13:48,437
- Morning.
- Marilyn, I’m Allison.
398
00:13:48,438 --> 00:13:49,838
Cheryl, who you met at Bravo...
399
00:13:49,839 --> 00:13:51,740
- she had a nervous breakdown.
- Oh!
400
00:13:51,741 --> 00:13:53,275
And because she was in
Thailand when it happened,
401
00:13:53,276 --> 00:13:54,643
their euthanasia laws...
402
00:13:54,644 --> 00:13:56,245
long story short, she’s probably dead.
403
00:13:56,246 --> 00:13:57,512
- Oh.
- But, silver lining,
404
00:13:57,513 --> 00:13:59,081
I’m producing your segment now.
405
00:13:59,082 --> 00:14:01,316
All right. Well, okay.
406
00:14:01,317 --> 00:14:06,121
Well, I’ve never counseled a
patient in her own home before.
407
00:14:06,122 --> 00:14:08,690
Oh, just treat it like a
normal therapy session.
408
00:14:08,691 --> 00:14:11,726
Yeah, like a normal,
well-lit therapy session
409
00:14:11,727 --> 00:14:13,262
with cameras and a Countess.
410
00:14:13,263 --> 00:14:15,864
All right, well, so far it’s fun.
411
00:14:15,865 --> 00:14:17,266
All right. Good.
412
00:14:17,267 --> 00:14:18,800
Let’s go. When do we start?
413
00:14:18,801 --> 00:14:20,669
Oh, we’ve been recording
since you got here.
414
00:14:20,670 --> 00:14:23,272
You didn’t get me yelling at
her housekeeper, did you?
415
00:14:23,273 --> 00:14:25,607
Here’s why you don’t need
her side of the story...
416
00:14:25,608 --> 00:14:27,642
Can we talk about my fight
with Sonja, please?
417
00:14:27,643 --> 00:14:29,878
Of course. Which camera do I look at?
418
00:14:29,879 --> 00:14:32,147
Now, see, here’s where my
daughter Julie could help me.
419
00:14:32,148 --> 00:14:33,315
- Do you have a daughter?
- I do.
420
00:14:33,316 --> 00:14:34,816
You do? Do you get along?
421
00:14:34,817 --> 00:14:36,085
We get along great. She’s amazing.
422
00:14:36,086 --> 00:14:37,519
Oh, you are so lucky.
423
00:14:37,520 --> 00:14:39,554
Honestly, all I do is
fight with my daughter.
424
00:14:39,555 --> 00:14:41,290
I don’t know what it is.
I do everything I can.
425
00:14:41,291 --> 00:14:44,059
There’s always friction. I
think she’s jealous of me.
426
00:14:44,060 --> 00:14:45,460
That’s too bad, but can we get
427
00:14:45,461 --> 00:14:47,062
back to my therapy session, please?
428
00:14:47,063 --> 00:14:48,530
Yes, of course. Go ahead.
429
00:14:48,531 --> 00:14:50,899
So I tell Sonja I’m
writing another book,
430
00:14:50,900 --> 00:14:52,701
and she totally checks out on me.
431
00:14:52,702 --> 00:14:54,203
Well, of course I’d need
to know a little bit more,
432
00:14:54,204 --> 00:14:55,770
LuAnn, but off the top, I’d say
433
00:14:55,771 --> 00:14:58,207
that you’re dancing
around the real conflict.
434
00:14:58,208 --> 00:15:01,576
I am not. Although, I’m
an excellent dancer.
435
00:15:01,577 --> 00:15:03,545
- Well, so am I.
- No, I’m a really good dancer.
436
00:15:03,546 --> 00:15:05,180
Yeah, well, I’ve won championships.
437
00:15:05,181 --> 00:15:07,749
Anyway, why is Sonja upset
that you’re writing a book?
438
00:15:07,750 --> 00:15:10,552
Maybe because it’s a
toaster oven cookbook,
439
00:15:10,553 --> 00:15:12,955
and her whole thing is
cooking with a toaster oven?
440
00:15:12,956 --> 00:15:14,723
Well, I don’t think
she’s jealous of you.
441
00:15:14,724 --> 00:15:16,425
I think she feels that you’re
442
00:15:16,426 --> 00:15:19,794
trying to one-up her in her realm...
443
00:15:19,795 --> 00:15:23,465
just like I did with Julie.
444
00:15:23,466 --> 00:15:25,634
You know, I have a very good idea
445
00:15:25,635 --> 00:15:27,402
that I think will help you and Sonja.
446
00:15:27,403 --> 00:15:30,039
There is a play that
I think is important
447
00:15:30,040 --> 00:15:31,974
for all of us to see.
448
00:15:31,975 --> 00:15:35,077
Well, if it’s "Kinky Boots,"
I’ve seen it 11 times.
449
00:15:35,078 --> 00:15:37,879
Cyndi keeps asking me for notes.
I mean, at this point,
450
00:15:37,880 --> 00:15:39,682
you have to say, "What’s done is done."
451
00:15:41,051 --> 00:15:42,985
Holy shit. We’ve got a full house.
452
00:15:42,986 --> 00:15:46,488
- Shit. Shit.
- Okay. We can do this.
453
00:15:46,489 --> 00:15:49,691
"Now we’re just gonna put on our
wigs and play make-believe,"
454
00:15:49,692 --> 00:15:51,460
just as John Travolta and Kelly Preston
455
00:15:51,461 --> 00:15:52,861
say to each other every morning.
456
00:15:52,862 --> 00:15:55,364
Places. Thank you. Places.
457
00:15:55,365 --> 00:15:57,067
Yes. But first we pray.
458
00:15:58,734 --> 00:16:00,602
Our Father, Guido Sarducci,
459
00:16:00,603 --> 00:16:02,337
who art in Don Novello,
460
00:16:02,338 --> 00:16:03,572
thank you for this audience.
461
00:16:03,573 --> 00:16:04,573
On the count of three. One, two, three.
462
00:16:04,574 --> 00:16:05,975
Carter!
463
00:16:05,976 --> 00:16:07,442
You know, I know we don’t get along,
464
00:16:07,443 --> 00:16:10,746
but I really love you guys.
465
00:16:18,554 --> 00:16:21,423
Howdy. I’m Professor Cashews.
466
00:16:21,424 --> 00:16:24,659
I’m here to tell you a story
about a peanut farmer
467
00:16:24,660 --> 00:16:26,261
who became president.
468
00:16:26,262 --> 00:16:27,762
Oh!
469
00:16:27,763 --> 00:16:32,101
Mind if I put these kitten
skins down and sit a spell?
470
00:16:32,102 --> 00:16:33,936
Oh, jeez.
Unbelievable.
471
00:16:33,937 --> 00:16:36,738
- Now, let me see.
- That was the worst.
472
00:16:36,739 --> 00:16:38,941
Our story starts
473
00:16:38,942 --> 00:16:43,079
at a humanity habitat
being built for poors.
474
00:16:45,848 --> 00:16:47,349
Make sure you get a lot of footage
475
00:16:47,350 --> 00:16:49,118
of my daughter, right there.
476
00:16:49,119 --> 00:16:51,453
Mind you don’t hurt your
thumb, Gloria Steinem.
477
00:16:51,454 --> 00:16:52,787
You might break a nail.
478
00:16:52,788 --> 00:16:54,056
Try to be as inconspicuous as possible.
479
00:16:54,057 --> 00:16:55,690
You know what, Jimmy Carter?
480
00:16:55,691 --> 00:16:56,992
You can go fuck yourself.
481
00:16:56,993 --> 00:16:58,227
- We’re invisible.
- Be quiet.
482
00:16:58,228 --> 00:16:59,561
We’re invisible.
483
00:16:59,562 --> 00:17:00,829
I am not sitting with Sonja. I am not.
484
00:17:00,830 --> 00:17:02,397
Just sit in there. It’s all right.
485
00:17:02,398 --> 00:17:04,499
- I’m not sitting next to her!
- I’ll sit between you.
486
00:17:04,500 --> 00:17:05,968
Fair-weather bitch.
487
00:17:12,842 --> 00:17:15,911
Sonja. Sonja. Come on. Just be cool.
488
00:17:15,912 --> 00:17:17,812
- Oh, like, don’t be uncool?
- All right? Just be cool.
489
00:17:17,813 --> 00:17:18,948
- Sonja, please.
- Can it, Countess.
490
00:17:18,949 --> 00:17:20,349
- Oh, my God.
- I hate her.
491
00:17:20,350 --> 00:17:23,452
- I hate you.
- All right, Countess, please.
492
00:17:23,453 --> 00:17:25,654
Shit.
493
00:17:25,655 --> 00:17:27,622
Matthew’s show started half an hour ago,
494
00:17:27,623 --> 00:17:29,191
and we’re still chopping vegetables.
495
00:17:29,192 --> 00:17:31,560
Not our fault. The veggie
truck didn’t come.
496
00:17:31,561 --> 00:17:33,162
We need to prep. We have priorities.
497
00:17:33,163 --> 00:17:34,997
Yeah, but are they the right priorities?
498
00:17:34,998 --> 00:17:36,865
You know, we have a family restaurant,
499
00:17:36,866 --> 00:17:38,900
but no family... if we don’t
leave this place to someone,
500
00:17:38,901 --> 00:17:41,470
they’ll turn it into a
Chase bank or a CVS
501
00:17:41,471 --> 00:17:44,706
or condos that only Russian
sex traffickers can afford.
502
00:17:44,707 --> 00:17:46,841
So what are you saying?
503
00:17:46,842 --> 00:17:49,211
I’m saying that...
504
00:17:49,212 --> 00:17:50,914
What, baby?
505
00:17:53,049 --> 00:17:55,817
I think we should adopt a baby.
506
00:17:55,818 --> 00:17:58,887
Are you serious? Because you hate kids.
507
00:17:58,888 --> 00:18:00,389
Only ’cause I’m not related to them.
508
00:18:00,390 --> 00:18:02,958
- Okay, what about Matthew?
- Matthew’s grown.
509
00:18:02,959 --> 00:18:05,294
He’s getting married. He
doesn’t even need me anymore.
510
00:18:05,295 --> 00:18:06,728
Sunrise, sunset.
511
00:18:06,729 --> 00:18:08,863
Hey, listen. I’ve been
suggesting we have kids
512
00:18:08,864 --> 00:18:10,966
ever since I went to that
"Yo Gabba Gabba" concert
513
00:18:10,967 --> 00:18:14,104
by myself and was detained by security.
514
00:18:16,806 --> 00:18:18,507
Let’s go to Connecticut.
515
00:18:18,508 --> 00:18:21,210
We’ll adopt a white baby.
We’ll be like the reverse
516
00:18:21,211 --> 00:18:23,078
of those celebrities that go to Africa.
517
00:18:23,079 --> 00:18:24,646
Or Sandra Bullock. Remember?
518
00:18:24,647 --> 00:18:26,315
She got a Katrina baby from New Orleans
519
00:18:26,316 --> 00:18:28,783
- after that Nazi cheated on her.
- Mm-hmm.
520
00:18:28,784 --> 00:18:31,586
Fuck Restaurant Week.
Fuck these vegetables.
521
00:18:31,587 --> 00:18:34,957
Baby, I feel so good about this.
522
00:18:34,958 --> 00:18:37,293
- Me too. Really good.
- Yeah.
523
00:18:38,929 --> 00:18:42,031
I’m Ronald Reagan.
524
00:18:42,032 --> 00:18:45,567
And this is a song about my legacy.
525
00:18:45,568 --> 00:18:47,469
Put that away.
526
00:18:47,470 --> 00:18:49,538
Put it away.
527
00:18:55,979 --> 00:18:57,980
I don’t understand what this
play has to do with Carter.
528
00:18:57,981 --> 00:18:59,814
Or us. Or anything.
529
00:19:04,220 --> 00:19:05,654
This is just a waste of our time.
530
00:19:07,357 --> 00:19:08,790
Shut up!
531
00:19:08,791 --> 00:19:10,960
Let’s go to the tanning
salon in Chelsea.
532
00:19:10,961 --> 00:19:13,095
At least there people recognize us...
sorry.
533
00:19:13,096 --> 00:19:14,629
What were we even fighting about?
534
00:19:14,630 --> 00:19:17,399
- I don’t know.
- Stay. Keep shooting.
535
00:20:09,485 --> 00:20:10,552
Whoo.
536
00:20:10,553 --> 00:20:12,754
I don’t think they got it.
537
00:20:12,755 --> 00:20:15,724
Yeah, well, if they
stayed, they would have.
538
00:20:17,560 --> 00:20:19,494
I’m gonna go get the AIDS cow.
539
00:20:19,495 --> 00:20:20,729
Okay.
540
00:20:20,730 --> 00:20:22,197
There he is.
541
00:20:22,198 --> 00:20:25,267
- There’s my big star.
- Mama De-neesy Nash,
542
00:20:25,268 --> 00:20:26,835
you made it.
543
00:20:26,836 --> 00:20:30,339
Of course. And I have wonderful news.
544
00:20:30,340 --> 00:20:31,975
Come on. Sit.
545
00:20:34,710 --> 00:20:39,281
Nate and I have decided to adopt a baby,
546
00:20:39,282 --> 00:20:43,418
and you’re gonna be a big brother.
547
00:20:43,419 --> 00:20:44,853
No!
548
00:20:47,357 --> 00:20:49,324
He took it much better than I thought.
549
00:20:49,325 --> 00:20:50,592
Yeah.
550
00:20:54,364 --> 00:20:55,464
Oh. Julie.
551
00:20:55,465 --> 00:20:58,200
I came to your show. I brought cameras.
552
00:20:58,201 --> 00:21:01,170
- I noticed.
- Because you should be on TV.
553
00:21:01,171 --> 00:21:02,105
Not me.
554
00:21:02,106 --> 00:21:05,174
Well, Marilyn, you did the impossible.
555
00:21:05,175 --> 00:21:07,109
LuAnn and Sonja are no longer fighting.
556
00:21:07,110 --> 00:21:09,211
I told you I knew what I was doing.
557
00:21:09,212 --> 00:21:10,946
The LuAnn/Sonja conflict
was supposed to be
558
00:21:10,947 --> 00:21:12,747
the arc of this whole season.
559
00:21:12,748 --> 00:21:14,449
Remind me what arc means in your world
560
00:21:14,450 --> 00:21:15,817
and who LuAnn is.
561
00:21:15,818 --> 00:21:17,852
Now I got to start shit with Bethenny.
562
00:21:17,853 --> 00:21:19,789
Marilyn, you’re fired.
563
00:21:22,692 --> 00:21:24,994
I should have given you
advice when you asked for it.
564
00:21:24,995 --> 00:21:28,063
Yeah, you’re always selfish that way.
565
00:21:28,064 --> 00:21:31,033
You want to grab a couple
of AIDSy’s hooves?
566
00:21:31,034 --> 00:21:33,269
Hello?
567
00:21:34,670 --> 00:21:37,339
Who said I said this show
was better than mine?
568
00:21:37,340 --> 00:21:38,573
Lin-Manuel Miranda?
569
00:21:38,574 --> 00:21:40,475
Yeah, I know who I am.
Who the fuck are you?
570
00:21:40,476 --> 00:21:43,312
I’m Billy. Hey, can Julie and
I have tickets to "Hamilton"?
571
00:21:43,313 --> 00:21:47,016
- No.
- Well, well, well.
572
00:21:47,017 --> 00:21:51,921
If it isn’t Lin-Man-well, well, well.
573
00:21:51,922 --> 00:21:54,456
You steal any fourth-grade
book reports lately?
574
00:21:54,457 --> 00:21:57,326
Nate. Fuck, dude.
575
00:21:57,327 --> 00:21:59,129
I’m sorry.
576
00:22:03,333 --> 00:22:05,935
Thank you.
577
00:22:05,936 --> 00:22:07,402
I just wanted an apology.
578
00:22:07,403 --> 00:22:08,637
Enjoy your Tonys.
579
00:22:08,638 --> 00:22:10,439
Oh, I do.
580
00:22:10,440 --> 00:22:13,008
Sometimes I pretend one’s a boy
Tony and one’s a girl Tony,
581
00:22:13,009 --> 00:22:14,343
and I make them kiss.
582
00:22:14,344 --> 00:22:16,345
Not that two boy Tonys can’t kiss.
583
00:22:16,346 --> 00:22:18,247
I don’t know why I said that.
That’s very heteronormative.
584
00:22:18,248 --> 00:22:20,649
It’s just I’ve already named
THEM: Roger and Desiree.
585
00:22:20,650 --> 00:22:24,219
Anyway, it’s great to see you.
You’ll hear from my lawyer.
586
00:22:24,220 --> 00:22:25,587
Hey, can I be in "Hamilton"?
587
00:22:25,588 --> 00:22:26,888
Sure. We rehearse on Monday.
588
00:22:26,889 --> 00:22:28,457
- Really?
- No!
589
00:22:28,458 --> 00:22:31,160
You know, I’m just gonna
go ahead and say it:
590
00:22:31,161 --> 00:22:33,028
That was the best play
I ever saw in my life.
591
00:22:33,029 --> 00:22:34,296
- Really?
- Yes.
592
00:22:34,297 --> 00:22:36,131
- Thank you, Arthur.
- Thanks, babe.
593
00:22:36,132 --> 00:22:38,800
Guys, I really loved it too.
594
00:22:38,801 --> 00:22:40,769
In all seriousness. I’m not kidding.
595
00:22:40,770 --> 00:22:42,071
You’re not fucking with us?
596
00:22:42,072 --> 00:22:43,605
- No.
- Thanks, Mumford.
597
00:22:43,606 --> 00:22:45,740
- Yes. Thank you very much.
- That means a lot.
598
00:22:45,741 --> 00:22:46,942
Yeah, no problem.
599
00:22:46,943 --> 00:22:48,743
- Oh, hey, there.
- Hello.
600
00:22:48,744 --> 00:22:50,245
Wanna get some coffee sometime?
601
00:22:50,246 --> 00:22:51,746
- Oh, uh...
- Excuse me.
602
00:22:51,747 --> 00:22:53,015
Hi. What’s going on?
603
00:22:53,016 --> 00:22:55,550
This is my boyfriend. Back off, bitch.
604
00:22:55,551 --> 00:22:56,751
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
605
00:22:56,752 --> 00:22:58,887
You’re fucking that?
606
00:22:58,888 --> 00:23:00,289
Oh, my God.
607
00:23:00,290 --> 00:23:02,057
When you’re ready for some A+ pussy,
608
00:23:02,058 --> 00:23:03,692
my number’s on the card.
609
00:23:03,693 --> 00:23:07,062
Excuse me? Hey, take a hike,
Shining Time Station.
610
00:23:07,063 --> 00:23:08,630
I’ll shine your station.
611
00:23:08,631 --> 00:23:11,100
There she goes, the
midnight train to Georgia.
612
00:23:11,101 --> 00:23:12,734
That was very rude.
613
00:23:12,735 --> 00:23:14,103
- You gonna call her?
- Of course not.
614
00:23:14,104 --> 00:23:17,272
Wait. Where’s Matthew?
615
00:23:29,085 --> 00:23:31,053
- Hey, you like comedy?
- No!
616
00:23:31,054 --> 00:23:33,956
- Don’t be a dick!
- No!
617
00:23:33,957 --> 00:23:36,291
- sync and corrections by Caio -
- www.MY-SUBS.com -
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