All language subtitles for Difficult.People.S02E07

WWW.MY-SUBS.CO

- Tourists!
- Come to our show.

- Hey, tourists!
- No need to wait in line

for Broadway show tickets.

New show "Swiftical," the musical.

We want to see "Hamilton."

But it’s the New York Fringe Festival.

Come on. Taylor Swift.
It’s tomorrow night.

Oh, we want to see "Hamilton," though.

Well, Lin-Manuel Miranda
endorsed our show.

His quote is right there on the flyer.

Who is Lin-Manuel Miranda?

We want to see "Hamilton."

Ugh. These mutants.

I’ll go get us some Bubba Gump.

Where’d you get that Lin-Manuel quote?

- I made it up.
- Brilliant.

Hey, you look like you
were homeschooled.

Come see our show.

It’s about your hero, Taylor Swift.

Yeah, and it’s also about "Hamilton."

Do you think this is the closest

these people have ever been
to an actual Jew before?

Probably the closest is ordering
a cinnamon-raisin bagel

at Einstein Brothers.

Oh, my God, that chain. Do you
think they did a focus group

and they were like, "Okay,
which Jew do you hate least?"

And people were like, “I don’t know.
Albert Einstein.”

Yeah, well, what’s the one other

national bagel brand people know?

Lenders.

I know. Exactly.

Because Money-Lending,
Hook-nosed, Sneaky,

Showbusiness Rat Jew Bagels
was too long of a name

to fit on the bag.

Hey! You guys like comedy?

Well, we used to.

Yeah. Now we do it.

I tried to get us
reservations at Le Cirque,

but this place is way more expensive.

Remember on Real Housewives
when Aviva Drescher

threw her leg at Le Cirque?

I wonder if they got to keep that leg.

What if it’s attached
to their restroom key?

"Mom, this is very generous of you."

Mom, this is very generous of
you to take us out to lunch

to celebrate our big play
opening tomorrow night.

Play? That’s not ringing any bells.

No. I invited you here because
I have very good news.

Savannah Guthrie finally found
an eye shadow that flatters her?

You know, I never knew it was possible

for a woman to clash
with their own eyelids.

I have been tapped by Bravo

to be an in-house psych consultant

when they audition reality
show cast members!

- What?
- They bring me women;

I interview them;

and then I give them my
professional opinion

whether they would have
a nervous breakdown

and whether that breakdown would
be compelling television.

Who do you know at Bravo?

And can they please explain
"The People’s Couch"?

A very sweet therapist friend
of mine was up for the job

and she wanted me to
write a recommendation,

but instead I submitted myself.

So you Gwyneth Paltrow’d the job

right from under her nose?

So I am going to help cast

the new "Real Housewives
of New York City."

Well, Mom, maybe I should
give you a heads-up

about the kind of women who
are stars on that network.

Why? Because I can’t do my own job?

No. It’s because you haven’t
watched those shows

and I have more experience.

Honestly, Julie, when did my
good news become all about you?

Moments after my theater debut became

about your new television job.

I am very good at
diagnosing people quickly.

Yes. I am too.

As soon as I saw Paula Abdul

dancing around with that cartoon cat,

I knew that woman would
have a problem with pills.

Thanks again for forcing
Billy to cast me

in his Taylor Swift musical, Mommy.

Muah.

Casting you was common sense.

You’re a god damn star.

Besides, I told him that
if he didn’t cast you,

he couldn’t have the night off.

Who knows? Maybe it’ll be a
big hit like "Hamilton."

You mean the play I wrote?

God damn it. Not again.

No, no, no. Lin-Manuel
Miranda wrote "Hamilton."

Bullshit.

Lin and I went to the same
elementary school in Inwood.

In the fourth grade, I
presented a book report

on Alexander Hamilton, and it rhymed.

That’s when Lin got the idea.

Now he’s onstage every night,
and that could’ve been me

getting the MacArthur Genius Grant

for making hip-hop
accessible to Ben Brantley.

Oh, I’m so sorry

that instead you’re a
successful business owner

with a gorgeous wife.

This guy.

Why are there 12 cases of
olive oil in the kitchen?

Is there some sort of sex party

the trans waitress wasn’t invited to?

- Take two.
- Why are there 12 cases

of olive oil in the kitchen?

If Alec Baldwin is coming in here,

I refuse to serve his problematic ass.

- Bring it on.
- Why are there 12 cases

of olive oil in the kitchen?

If CeeLo Green is coming in here,

I have not forgotten
his tweets about rape.

- Brava.
- We feel good about that one?

Restaurant week starts off tomorrow.

We’ve got 400 customers
coming in a single day.

Oh, the meat just came.

Tonight the vegetables come,
and we’ll be good to go.

Ugh. We better be.

Restaurant Week is our only chance

to undo the damage done
by that evil Zagats.

So you don’t want me to come in?

Is that it? I’m the secret shame?

I’m just supposed to hide out of sight?

Girl, you’re not getting the night off.

Fuck!

Got 400 people coming through.

Denise, mama, I’m gonna tell you

the same thing I told Tommy Tune
and those seven chorus boys:

it’s physically impossible to
fit all those people in here.

But it sure would be fun to try.

Candidate number 23.

When do I get to meet Andy Cohen?

Please focus, Marilyn.

Would Melissa make a good housewife?

You know, it’s funny.

Melissa... she said something to me

that reminded me of my wedding.

It was 1969. I was a knockout.

Stay on topic, Marilyn.

Is Melissa stable enough
to be on a reality show?

Well, stability is subjective.
A couple of years ago,

I thought that stevia was
the right sweetener for me.

My A1C had come back...

Moving on.

Olivia. We worry that Olivia
may too normal for the show,

but fans do like strong,
confident women.

Let me stop you right there.

Strength and confidence
are two different things.

Let me explain why I have both.

Marilyn, we’ve reviewed
25 of the candidates...

At $1, 000 a pop.

And it’s clear that evaluating others

may not be the best job for you.

Well, fuck you, too,

and I’ve already invoiced you.

But I think I may have another job

for someone as self-inclined as you.

Go on.

Baby, you were so right
about moving the tables.

Yeah. I’m always so right.

Yeah, but sometimes you’re so wrong.

Come on. Just call the vegetable people.

They should’ve been here hours ago.

You know, you’re even
cute when you’re worried

about the vegetables coming on time.

All right, well, why don’t
I hit you with my car,

you’ll become a vegetable,
and then I’ll pull the plug?

Oh, you gonna pull my plug?
Is that what you’re gonna do?

- You gonna pull my plug, huh?
- Why are you so nasty?

Please, come and pull my...

No, this is not an obscene phone call.

I’m sorry. This is Nate from D’s.

What time are my vegetables coming?

Why can’t our owner
just leave us at home?

We’re cats. We hate traveling.

I know. Of all the people in the world

who could have adopted us,

why that bitch Taylor Swift?

And then we sing the "Let Me
Shit Alone In A Box" song.

Okay. Do you want to go from the top?

Yep. Sounds good.

Oh, my God. Billy.
We’re almost sold out.

What? We’ve never sold
out one of our shows.

We’ve never even sold out like
half of one of our shows.

And all we did was quote the
guy who wrote "Hamilton"

on the flyer... I mean,
success by association.

You know, when
we decided to do that,

I was a little worried, but now I know

we were doing the right thing.

Excuse me. I’m sorry.

Are you Billy Epstein and Julie Kessler?

Aw! A fan.

What’s your name, little buddy?

Oh, hold on. Let me guess. It’s Bryce.

Are you gay, Bryce? What
can we sign for you?

It’s from Shake It Off, Incorporated.

You’ve been served.

It’s a cease and desist

from Taylor Swift, herself.

- What?
- Billy!

I think you may be better for
the show if you were on it.

The truck just hit a damn
costume shop on 72nd Street.

The vegetables are not coming.

How would you feel about being
Countess LuAnn’s new shrink?

We can’t do "Swiftical"!

- Fuck!
- Terrific!

Well, if the show’s off,
I’m gonna fire Matthew.

That’s the only upside to this.

- Hey.
- Hey, Matthew.

What?

Yeah, hey, the show’s canceled,

so you’re fired.

Okay.

The only thing more depressing

than having a Fringe Festival show

is having to cancel a
Fringe Festival show.

Yeah. It’s kind of flattering
that we were even on her radar

- enough for us to get sued.
- Fucking Taylor Swift.

Oh, hey, look. It’s the two losers

from "The Moth" last year.

- Who the fuck are you?
- Andrea Mumford.

Really? I remember the two
generic white Jews on stage

making pop culture
references in lieu of jokes,

and you have no recall of
a girl in a wheelchair

doing spoken word poetry
about her rapist uncle

for 45 minutes?

Listen, lady. We meet a lot of people.

- Okay.
- What are you even doing here?

Oh, I have to ask the Fringe organizers

to move my show to a bigger venue.

We keep adding dates, but
they keep selling out.

Of course you have a Fringe show.

Yeah, I’m doing a one-woman
version of "Snowpiercer"

where I play all the roles,
including the train.

I’ve already gotten seven Obies,
and it’s not even in previews.

- "Ooh, I’m a train."
- "I’m a train. Choo-choo-choo."

- Fuck you.
- Fuck you too.

You know what? Let me guess.

You two dipshits have a show, too,

but nobody’s seeing it,

so you’re here to ask
for your deposit back.

The joke’s on you, Andrea.

They don’t give you your deposit back.

And as a matter of fact,

we’re just here on a victory lap

because our show just sold
out in such record time.

Pretty important show, too, you know.

Not, like, a train thing, you know.

- No.
- It’s like...

kind of picks up where
"Hamilton" left off.

Really? "Hamilton"?

How is your show anything
like "Hamilton"?

Our show’s exactly like "Hamilton."

- Mm-hm.
- For starters,

it’s about another president.

Well, Hamilton was never a president.

Yeah, and like Hamilton,
it’s a president

that people don’t really
write about a lot,

so our take on him is pretty unique.

I’m gonna tell you one more time:

Hamilton was never president.

Yeah. Nothing wrong with another musical

about presidents.

- Andrea, how are you?
- Hi, Raul.

- Good to see you.
- Thank you. You too.

You know, Billy and Julie
here were just telling me

how fast their show sold out.

"Swiftical"? Really?

Your important "Hamilton"
show is called "Swiftical"?

- No. It’s called "Carter."
- Mm-hm.

’Cause it’s about Jimmy Carter.

- Mm-hm.
- Heard of him?

Yeah, and we were just
coming here to ask Raul

if we could change the title.

Yeah. We’re changing it to "Carter."

"Swiftical" is now "Carter."

Oh, great. Well, how much
like "Hamilton" is it?

- Is there rapping in it?
- Yes.

- Is there hip-hop dancing?
- Oh, yeah.

Well, then, I certainly hope
that I can get a ticket,

’cause I’ll be there.

- I certainly hope you will.
- Oh, I certainly will.

Great. Yeah. See if
you can get a ticket.

- Probably can’t, though.
- Oh, don’t worry.

- What?
- Hey, Matthew. It’s Billy.

The show’s back on. You’re re-hired.

Oh, God.

Fucking Andrea Mumford.
Why did we lie to her?

I don’t know, but we did, and
now we have a show tomorrow,

and we don’t have a single idea.

You could always change
the subject matter

but keep the material.

Arthur, it’s very sweet of you to help,

but please leave the art to the artists,

and the farts to the fartists.

Okay, hear me out.

What if we change the subject matter,

- but we keep the material?
- That’s what I just said.

Are you suggesting that we
Weird Al our own musical?

Change the lyrics but leave
the melodies intact?

Without ever once brushing
out our natural curls? Yes!

Oh, my God. That’s brilliant.
So all we have to do

is change the Taylor Swift specifics

to Jimmy Carter specifics,
and we’re home free.

Yeah. We’ll replace John
Mayer with Yasser Arafat.

♪ Carter, you did a
lot of things I guess ♪

Autosave.

The new script is very creative,

but I’m not comfortable being
credited as historical advisor.

But it’s sweet that I included you.

Yes, but there are things in
here that are not accurate.

- Like what?
- Well,

at no point did Jimmy Carter

weigh in on Suzanne
Somers’ salary dispute

with the producers of "Three’s Company."

And it took me a long time
to figure out who you were

confusing Rosalynn Carter with,
but it’s Emmylou Harris.

Oh, shit. We need to get the
"Carter" flyers printed.

Are there any Kinko’s
left in New York City?

I think there’s one.

But you have to go on the
deep web to find it.

Don’t just stand there, dear.

Cook us breakfast, and then find it.

And just because Jimmy
Carter is from Georgia

does not mean he knew NeNe Leakes.

- Arthur!
- Why can’t you support me?

- Julie!
- Mom. Hi.

Wow, this is where
you’re doing your show?

It’s like the cellar from
"Silence of the Lambs,"

but you haven’t lost weight yet.

What do you want, Mom? I’m busy.

Bravo has asked me to be on camera

as Countess LuAnn’s therapist!

- What?
- They were looking for someone

who felt the benefits
of television exposure

outweighed the slippery slope
of patient confidentiality.

Et voilà!

All right. I got a lot of work to do.

Congrats. I’ll talk to you later.

Well, wait. You watch that show.

You mentioned before that
you might have some advice.

Nope. Nothing. No advice.

Just be yourself, away from me.

Why are you sulking?

I guess I’m just processing the
fact that my mom is gonna be

on TV before I am,

and that my first exposure to audiences

will be as a reality star’s daughter.

- Did you say star?
- All right. You know what, Mom?

My Jimmy Carter musical
is in less than 11 hours,

and I need to rehearse, so...

Carter? I hope you have a song
about how much Israeli blood

is on his hands from his
negotiations with Hamas.

Don’t you pitch me ideas
that you clearly lifted

from "Kiss Me Kate."

So these were all just
lying in the street,

covered in glitter?

Yes. A truck crashed into that
costume store on 72nd Street...

The one near the last remaining
Kinko’s in New York City.

I took everything
era-specific I could find.

That is insane. Although, I have to say

I kind of wish there
was a way we could use

some of the Taylor
Swift stuff, you know?

Like, that cow costume is amazing

- for the Tennessee hoedown.
- You’re right.

There has to be a way we can use it.

Yeah, and we have to use those
fucking kitten costumes too.

And...

I mean, we got to use Mr. Pea...

Don’t even say the name.

I don’t want to risk getting sued again.

But, yes, we have to
make Matthew wear this.

We’ll just call him something else.

Oh, and the flyers came out great too.

Look at these. And it turns
out Lin-Manuel Miranda

- loves this show too.
- Ooh, let me see.

Here. We have to make
Matthew give those out.

Okay, but you know I can only be outside

for about five minutes at a time.

I’m very sensitive to low temperatures.

As you know, my body fat levels
are virtually Chenowethian.

- Fuck you, Matthew.
- Yeah.

What are you two amateurs doing?

We have less than four hours
until the show starts,

and we haven’t even run Amy
Carter’s dream ballet.

Speaking of dreams, Matthew,

I hope one day yours are crushed.

The only thing that’s
getting crushed of mine

is whatever Mr. Sondheim wants

when I’m finally invited to
his alleged sex dungeon.

- What a gorgeous view, LuAnn.
- Yeah. Right?

That’s what you get when
you live in a penthouse.

Good morning, everyone.
Countess, how are you?

- Morning.
- Marilyn, I’m Allison.

Cheryl, who you met at Bravo...

- she had a nervous breakdown.
- Oh!

And because she was in
Thailand when it happened,

their euthanasia laws...

long story short, she’s probably dead.

- Oh.
- But, silver lining,

I’m producing your segment now.

All right. Well, okay.

Well, I’ve never counseled a
patient in her own home before.

Oh, just treat it like a
normal therapy session.

Yeah, like a normal,
well-lit therapy session

with cameras and a Countess.

All right, well, so far it’s fun.

All right. Good.

Let’s go. When do we start?

Oh, we’ve been recording
since you got here.

You didn’t get me yelling at
her housekeeper, did you?

Here’s why you don’t need
her side of the story...

Can we talk about my fight
with Sonja, please?

Of course. Which camera do I look at?

Now, see, here’s where my
daughter Julie could help me.

- Do you have a daughter?
- I do.

You do? Do you get along?

We get along great. She’s amazing.

Oh, you are so lucky.

Honestly, all I do is
fight with my daughter.

I don’t know what it is.
I do everything I can.

There’s always friction. I
think she’s jealous of me.

That’s too bad, but can we get

back to my therapy session, please?

Yes, of course. Go ahead.

So I tell Sonja I’m
writing another book,

and she totally checks out on me.

Well, of course I’d need
to know a little bit more,

LuAnn, but off the top, I’d say

that you’re dancing
around the real conflict.

I am not. Although, I’m
an excellent dancer.

- Well, so am I.
- No, I’m a really good dancer.

Yeah, well, I’ve won championships.

Anyway, why is Sonja upset
that you’re writing a book?

Maybe because it’s a
toaster oven cookbook,

and her whole thing is
cooking with a toaster oven?

Well, I don’t think
she’s jealous of you.

I think she feels that you’re

trying to one-up her in her realm...

just like I did with Julie.

You know, I have a very good idea

that I think will help you and Sonja.

There is a play that
I think is important

for all of us to see.

Well, if it’s "Kinky Boots,"
I’ve seen it 11 times.

Cyndi keeps asking me for notes.
I mean, at this point,

you have to say, "What’s done is done."

Holy shit. We’ve got a full house.

- Shit. Shit.
- Okay. We can do this.

"Now we’re just gonna put on our
wigs and play make-believe,"

just as John Travolta and Kelly Preston

say to each other every morning.

Places. Thank you. Places.

Yes. But first we pray.

Our Father, Guido Sarducci,

who art in Don Novello,

thank you for this audience.

On the count of three. One, two, three.

Carter!

You know, I know we don’t get along,

but I really love you guys.

Howdy. I’m Professor Cashews.

I’m here to tell you a story
about a peanut farmer

who became president.

Oh!

Mind if I put these kitten
skins down and sit a spell?

Oh, jeez.
Unbelievable.

- Now, let me see.
- That was the worst.

Our story starts

at a humanity habitat
being built for poors.

Make sure you get a lot of footage

of my daughter, right there.

Mind you don’t hurt your
thumb, Gloria Steinem.

You might break a nail.

Try to be as inconspicuous as possible.

You know what, Jimmy Carter?

You can go fuck yourself.

- We’re invisible.
- Be quiet.

We’re invisible.

I am not sitting with Sonja. I am not.

Just sit in there. It’s all right.

- I’m not sitting next to her!
- I’ll sit between you.

Fair-weather bitch.

Sonja. Sonja. Come on. Just be cool.

- Oh, like, don’t be uncool?
- All right? Just be cool.

- Sonja, please.
- Can it, Countess.

- Oh, my God.
- I hate her.

- I hate you.
- All right, Countess, please.

Shit.

Matthew’s show started half an hour ago,

and we’re still chopping vegetables.

Not our fault. The veggie
truck didn’t come.

We need to prep. We have priorities.

Yeah, but are they the right priorities?

You know, we have a family restaurant,

but no family... if we don’t
leave this place to someone,

they’ll turn it into a
Chase bank or a CVS

or condos that only Russian
sex traffickers can afford.

So what are you saying?

I’m saying that...

What, baby?

I think we should adopt a baby.

Are you serious? Because you hate kids.

Only ’cause I’m not related to them.

- Okay, what about Matthew?
- Matthew’s grown.

He’s getting married. He
doesn’t even need me anymore.

Sunrise, sunset.

Hey, listen. I’ve been
suggesting we have kids

ever since I went to that
"Yo Gabba Gabba" concert

by myself and was detained by security.

Let’s go to Connecticut.

We’ll adopt a white baby.
We’ll be like the reverse

of those celebrities that go to Africa.

Or Sandra Bullock. Remember?

She got a Katrina baby from New Orleans

- after that Nazi cheated on her.
- Mm-hmm.

Fuck Restaurant Week.
Fuck these vegetables.

Baby, I feel so good about this.

- Me too. Really good.
- Yeah.

I’m Ronald Reagan.

And this is a song about my legacy.

Put that away.

Put it away.

I don’t understand what this
play has to do with Carter.

Or us. Or anything.

This is just a waste of our time.

Shut up!

Let’s go to the tanning
salon in Chelsea.

At least there people recognize us...
sorry.

What were we even fighting about?

- I don’t know.
- Stay. Keep shooting.

Whoo.

I don’t think they got it.

Yeah, well, if they
stayed, they would have.

I’m gonna go get the AIDS cow.

Okay.

There he is.

- There’s my big star.
- Mama De-neesy Nash,

you made it.

Of course. And I have wonderful news.

Come on. Sit.

Nate and I have decided to adopt a baby,

and you’re gonna be a big brother.

No!

He took it much better than I thought.

Yeah.

Oh. Julie.

I came to your show. I brought cameras.

- I noticed.
- Because you should be on TV.

Not me.

Well, Marilyn, you did the impossible.

LuAnn and Sonja are no longer fighting.

I told you I knew what I was doing.

The LuAnn/Sonja conflict
was supposed to be

the arc of this whole season.

Remind me what arc means in your world

and who LuAnn is.

Now I got to start shit with Bethenny.

Marilyn, you’re fired.

I should have given you
advice when you asked for it.

Yeah, you’re always selfish that way.

You want to grab a couple
of AIDSy’s hooves?

Hello?

Who said I said this show
was better than mine?

Lin-Manuel Miranda?

Yeah, I know who I am.
Who the fuck are you?

I’m Billy. Hey, can Julie and
I have tickets to "Hamilton"?

- No.
- Well, well, well.

If it isn’t Lin-Man-well, well, well.

You steal any fourth-grade
book reports lately?

Nate. Fuck, dude.

I’m sorry.

Thank you.

I just wanted an apology.

Enjoy your Tonys.

Oh, I do.

Sometimes I pretend one’s a boy
Tony and one’s a girl Tony,

and I make them kiss.

Not that two boy Tonys can’t kiss.

I don’t know why I said that.
That’s very heteronormative.

It’s just I’ve already named
THEM: Roger and Desiree.

Anyway, it’s great to see you.
You’ll hear from my lawyer.

Hey, can I be in "Hamilton"?

Sure. We rehearse on Monday.

- Really?
- No!

You know, I’m just gonna
go ahead and say it:

That was the best play
I ever saw in my life.

- Really?
- Yes.

- Thank you, Arthur.
- Thanks, babe.

Guys, I really loved it too.

In all seriousness. I’m not kidding.

You’re not fucking with us?

- No.
- Thanks, Mumford.

- Yes. Thank you very much.
- That means a lot.

Yeah, no problem.

- Oh, hey, there.
- Hello.

Wanna get some coffee sometime?

- Oh, uh...
- Excuse me.

Hi. What’s going on?

This is my boyfriend. Back off, bitch.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

You’re fucking that?

Oh, my God.

When you’re ready for some A+ pussy,

my number’s on the card.

Excuse me? Hey, take a hike,
Shining Time Station.

I’ll shine your station.

There she goes, the
midnight train to Georgia.

That was very rude.

- You gonna call her?
- Of course not.

Wait. Where’s Matthew?

- Hey, you like comedy?
- No!

- Don’t be a dick!
- No!

- sync and corrections by Caio -
- www.MY-SUBS.com -