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1
00:00:00,258 --> 00:00:02,988
(city sirens droning)
2
00:00:02,988 --> 00:00:04,120
(customer grumbling)
3
00:00:04,120 --> 00:00:06,010
- Come on man, I got kids to feed!
4
00:00:06,010 --> 00:00:07,381
- Oh, they don't like falafel?
5
00:00:07,381 --> 00:00:08,508
(zipper zips)
6
00:00:08,508 --> 00:00:10,100
- Actually, that's not a bad idea.
7
00:00:10,100 --> 00:00:12,998
Thank you, that solves
most of my problems!
8
00:00:12,998 --> 00:00:17,998
(trap snaps loudly)
(customer screams)
9
00:00:18,340 --> 00:00:20,410
- Where were the other drugs going?
10
00:00:20,410 --> 00:00:21,330
- I never knew!
11
00:00:21,330 --> 00:00:22,310
They...
12
00:00:22,310 --> 00:00:23,143
Wait, what?
13
00:00:23,143 --> 00:00:27,740
- I said, where are all
the other drugs going?
14
00:00:27,740 --> 00:00:28,573
- Why...
15
00:00:28,573 --> 00:00:29,406
Why are you talking like that?
16
00:00:29,406 --> 00:00:31,150
- It's a bat voice, it's a bat.
17
00:00:31,150 --> 00:00:34,096
- Really kind of goes against
the whole dark Batman thing.
18
00:00:34,096 --> 00:00:35,007
- No, no, no...
19
00:00:35,007 --> 00:00:36,255
Are you kidding me?
20
00:00:36,255 --> 00:00:37,260
I worked on that like all day!
21
00:00:37,260 --> 00:00:39,460
It was like bat sonar, high, squeaky--
22
00:00:39,460 --> 00:00:40,950
- It's not scary, it's silly.
23
00:00:40,950 --> 00:00:42,040
- I ran this by Alf...
24
00:00:42,040 --> 00:00:43,940
I ran this by people I know
25
00:00:43,940 --> 00:00:45,210
and they loved it!
26
00:00:45,210 --> 00:00:46,043
- It's bad.
27
00:00:46,043 --> 00:00:46,980
- Bad?!
28
00:00:46,980 --> 00:00:48,020
Wow. (chuckles)
29
00:00:48,020 --> 00:00:49,180
This is embarrassing.
30
00:00:49,180 --> 00:00:50,600
Can I please show you another one?
31
00:00:50,600 --> 00:00:51,433
- Sure.
32
00:00:51,433 --> 00:00:54,080
- Where were the other drugs going?
33
00:00:54,080 --> 00:00:56,000
Fuck face!
- Malkovich?
34
00:00:56,000 --> 00:00:56,833
- Yeah.
35
00:00:56,833 --> 00:00:57,666
He's scary!
36
00:00:57,666 --> 00:01:01,630
He's like, "I'm better,
I'm stronger, I'm Batman!"
37
00:01:01,630 --> 00:01:03,980
- No, no, it's totally wrong.
38
00:01:03,980 --> 00:01:05,697
- Where were the other drugs going, huh?
39
00:01:05,697 --> 00:01:07,150
How is this game?
- Why?
40
00:01:07,150 --> 00:01:08,280
Why Pacino?
41
00:01:08,280 --> 00:01:10,320
- Maybe I am Al Pacino, you don't know.
42
00:01:10,320 --> 00:01:11,910
What's he do at night, huh?
43
00:01:11,910 --> 00:01:13,824
Fight crime.
- Not a Batman.
44
00:01:13,824 --> 00:01:15,408
- 'Ello gov'nor!
45
00:01:15,408 --> 00:01:16,720
Where were the drugs goin'?
46
00:01:16,720 --> 00:01:18,580
- You're representing
Gotham, I wouldn't...
47
00:01:18,580 --> 00:01:20,020
I wouldn't go British.
48
00:01:20,020 --> 00:01:21,507
- Hey, how ya doin'?
49
00:01:21,507 --> 00:01:22,809
Where were the other drugs goin', huh?
50
00:01:22,809 --> 00:01:23,658
- That's not good.
51
00:01:23,658 --> 00:01:24,778
- Hey!
52
00:01:24,778 --> 00:01:26,617
Where were the drugs going?
53
00:01:26,617 --> 00:01:28,876
Where were the other drugs going?
54
00:01:28,876 --> 00:01:29,709
(mimicking Arnold Schwarzenegger)
55
00:01:29,709 --> 00:01:32,470
Where were the other drugs going?
56
00:01:32,470 --> 00:01:33,303
Yeah...
57
00:01:33,303 --> 00:01:35,120
Dónde está los drogas?
58
00:01:35,120 --> 00:01:37,870
Where were the other drugs going?
59
00:01:37,870 --> 00:01:39,610
The silly, silly drugs.
60
00:01:39,610 --> 00:01:40,443
Where are they?
61
00:01:40,443 --> 00:01:42,455
Answer me, Herbert says!
62
00:01:42,455 --> 00:01:45,200
Where, where were the drugs... (laughs)
63
00:01:45,200 --> 00:01:46,670
Supposed to be Dustin Hoffman.
64
00:01:46,670 --> 00:01:49,314
Where were the other drugs going?!?!
65
00:01:49,314 --> 00:01:50,147
Huh?!?!
66
00:01:50,147 --> 00:01:52,088
Do I look like I talking to you?!?!
67
00:01:52,088 --> 00:01:54,795
(coughing violently)
68
00:01:54,795 --> 00:01:56,261
- You okay?
- Yeah, yeah I'm okay.
69
00:01:56,261 --> 00:01:58,268
- You all right?
- Yeah, I'm fine.
70
00:01:58,268 --> 00:01:59,760
Where were the other drugs going?
71
00:01:59,760 --> 00:02:01,142
- Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait...
72
00:02:01,142 --> 00:02:02,431
What was that?
- What?
73
00:02:02,431 --> 00:02:03,764
- Do that again.
74
00:02:05,513 --> 00:02:07,480
- Where were the other drugs going?
75
00:02:07,480 --> 00:02:09,009
- Y'know what?
76
00:02:09,009 --> 00:02:09,879
That's not bad.
77
00:02:09,880 --> 00:02:11,240
- I just lost my voice.
78
00:02:11,240 --> 00:02:12,073
- Yeah, that sounds good.
79
00:02:12,073 --> 00:02:12,950
- You're not just saying that?
80
00:02:12,950 --> 00:02:14,470
- Yeah, no, I swear to God.
81
00:02:14,470 --> 00:02:15,303
- Swear to me!
82
00:02:16,181 --> 00:02:19,572
(trap snaps)
(criminal screams)
83
00:02:19,572 --> 00:02:20,521
(trap breaks)
(body thuds)
84
00:02:20,521 --> 00:02:23,573
(criminal groans in pain)
85
00:02:23,573 --> 00:02:25,573
Alfred, I'm coming home.
86
00:02:27,011 --> 00:02:28,829
What do you mean, "Who is this"?
87
00:02:28,829 --> 00:02:29,746
It's Bruce.
88
00:02:30,590 --> 00:02:31,907
Who else has this number?!
89
00:02:33,942 --> 00:02:36,259
(electronic record scratching)
(heart beating)
90
00:02:36,259 --> 00:02:37,850
(tense music)
91
00:02:37,850 --> 00:02:40,320
(footsteps approaching)
92
00:02:40,320 --> 00:02:42,170
- Leave no traces.
93
00:02:42,170 --> 00:02:43,070
- Torch the place.
94
00:02:43,964 --> 00:02:45,123
- I gotta take a piss.
95
00:02:46,350 --> 00:02:49,844
- Why does he do that every
time we're committing a crime?
96
00:02:49,844 --> 00:02:54,094
(unknown object clattering loudly)
97
00:02:58,199 --> 00:03:01,439
(candlestick crashing)
(punches thudding)
98
00:03:01,439 --> 00:03:03,250
(Batman gasping and coughing)
99
00:03:03,250 --> 00:03:05,341
- [Scarecrow] Oh, having trouble?
100
00:03:05,341 --> 00:03:06,917
Have a drink!
101
00:03:06,917 --> 00:03:11,574
You look like a guy who takes
himself way too seriously.
102
00:03:11,574 --> 00:03:12,543
You want my opinion?
103
00:03:12,543 --> 00:03:14,150
- No, Girl Scouts!
104
00:03:14,150 --> 00:03:15,970
- [Scarecrow] You need to lighten...
105
00:03:15,970 --> 00:03:17,553
Wait, what?
- Girl Scouts!
106
00:03:17,553 --> 00:03:19,351
(music stab)
107
00:03:19,351 --> 00:03:20,184
Get out!
108
00:03:22,530 --> 00:03:24,114
- Wait, you're scared of Girl Scouts?
109
00:03:24,114 --> 00:03:25,041
- Knocking on the door!
110
00:03:25,041 --> 00:03:26,118
(ominous music stab)
111
00:03:26,118 --> 00:03:27,270
I don't have any cash!
112
00:03:27,270 --> 00:03:29,443
- Maybe I didn't use enough of this stuff.
113
00:03:31,176 --> 00:03:33,214
(Batman coughing)
114
00:03:33,214 --> 00:03:34,047
(Batman gasping)
115
00:03:34,047 --> 00:03:35,150
Yes!
116
00:03:35,150 --> 00:03:36,980
Feel the fear!
117
00:03:36,980 --> 00:03:38,600
- No!
118
00:03:38,600 --> 00:03:39,682
Sleeveless t-shirt!
119
00:03:39,682 --> 00:03:42,180
(ominous music stab)
120
00:03:42,180 --> 00:03:43,740
- Sleeveless shirts?
121
00:03:43,740 --> 00:03:45,390
- Your torso is warm...
122
00:03:45,390 --> 00:03:47,340
But what of your arms?!
123
00:03:47,340 --> 00:03:48,173
- Wait, wait...
124
00:03:48,173 --> 00:03:49,403
Wait, hold on, hold on.
125
00:03:50,826 --> 00:03:54,300
(Batman gasping in fear)
126
00:03:54,300 --> 00:03:55,133
- Roomba!
127
00:03:56,918 --> 00:03:59,510
- (stammering) You jump off of buildings!
128
00:03:59,510 --> 00:04:00,920
And you fight criminals!
129
00:04:00,920 --> 00:04:02,700
And you're scared of Roombas?
130
00:04:02,700 --> 00:04:05,140
- How does it know where to go?
131
00:04:05,140 --> 00:04:06,640
If we don't push it?
132
00:04:06,640 --> 00:04:07,510
- Wow.
133
00:04:07,510 --> 00:04:08,343
Just...
134
00:04:09,360 --> 00:04:10,237
Wow.
135
00:04:10,237 --> 00:04:11,070
(Batman screams)
136
00:04:11,070 --> 00:04:11,903
Oh my god, what is it now?
137
00:04:11,903 --> 00:04:12,736
- Ukuleles!
138
00:04:12,736 --> 00:04:14,086
(ominous music stab)
Keep them away!
139
00:04:14,086 --> 00:04:14,919
(ukulele strumming happily)
140
00:04:14,919 --> 00:04:17,959
Its jingle-jangles tell
me I'm in a Club Med!
141
00:04:17,959 --> 00:04:19,183
- Why would you be afraid of that?
142
00:04:19,184 --> 00:04:20,017
(Batman screams)
143
00:04:20,017 --> 00:04:21,127
- Florescent light bulbs!
144
00:04:21,127 --> 00:04:22,410
(ominous music stab)
145
00:04:22,410 --> 00:04:26,930
Save the Earth, but at
what weird, twisty cost?!
146
00:04:26,930 --> 00:04:27,763
- Okay?
147
00:04:27,763 --> 00:04:28,787
- Jingly keys!
148
00:04:28,787 --> 00:04:30,050
(keys jingling)
149
00:04:30,050 --> 00:04:33,281
Fun for babies, not for Batman!
150
00:04:33,281 --> 00:04:34,252
(Batman screams)
151
00:04:34,252 --> 00:04:35,650
- I don't understand.
152
00:04:35,650 --> 00:04:37,050
- Intimacy!
153
00:04:37,050 --> 00:04:37,940
- Okay.
154
00:04:37,940 --> 00:04:38,773
Wait, I gotta check...
155
00:04:38,773 --> 00:04:40,525
Just, hold on.
156
00:04:40,525 --> 00:04:41,358
Hey!
157
00:04:41,358 --> 00:04:42,191
Hey, wake up!
158
00:04:43,086 --> 00:04:44,860
(thug coughs)
159
00:04:44,860 --> 00:04:47,541
Now what do you see?
160
00:04:47,541 --> 00:04:48,374
- Maggots!
161
00:04:49,480 --> 00:04:50,427
Fire!
162
00:04:50,427 --> 00:04:51,390
(noisy clamoring)
163
00:04:51,390 --> 00:04:52,780
Oh God, make it stop!
164
00:04:52,780 --> 00:04:54,770
Stop!
- See, that makes sense to me!
165
00:04:54,770 --> 00:04:56,882
- No, stay away!
166
00:04:56,882 --> 00:04:57,945
Christopher McDonald!
167
00:04:57,945 --> 00:04:59,028
(ominous music stab)
- Hey, Batman!
168
00:04:59,028 --> 00:04:59,861
How you doing?
169
00:04:59,861 --> 00:05:01,120
- Oh my God, are you kidding me?!
170
00:05:01,120 --> 00:05:03,550
- Goose McKenzie, you keep your distance!
171
00:05:03,550 --> 00:05:04,383
- Goose McKenzie!
172
00:05:04,383 --> 00:05:05,216
That...
173
00:05:05,216 --> 00:05:06,049
Going way back!
174
00:05:06,049 --> 00:05:07,460
You know, most people know
me as Shooter McGavin.
175
00:05:07,460 --> 00:05:09,916
But, thanks for knowing my work.
176
00:05:09,916 --> 00:05:11,815
(Batman screams)
177
00:05:11,815 --> 00:05:13,731
- The television show "Double Down"!
178
00:05:13,731 --> 00:05:14,564
(Batman screams)
179
00:05:14,564 --> 00:05:16,043
Invisalign braces!
180
00:05:16,043 --> 00:05:17,519
A bag of SunChips!
181
00:05:17,519 --> 00:05:19,930
Oh, Babe Ruth's tiny legs!
182
00:05:20,880 --> 00:05:21,713
Baths!
- Bats!
183
00:05:21,713 --> 00:05:23,010
See, that makes sense!
184
00:05:23,010 --> 00:05:24,440
Because you're afraid of bats,
185
00:05:24,440 --> 00:05:27,820
so dress like a bat so you
could frighten your enemies
186
00:05:27,820 --> 00:05:28,862
dressed like a--
- No, no, no.
187
00:05:28,862 --> 00:05:29,695
Not, bats.
188
00:05:30,693 --> 00:05:31,526
Baths.
189
00:05:33,469 --> 00:05:34,657
- Baths.
190
00:05:34,657 --> 00:05:36,680
- Baths, like a bath.
- Yup.
191
00:05:36,680 --> 00:05:39,930
- Taking a quick shower
is just as refreshing,
192
00:05:39,930 --> 00:05:42,770
and uses one-third the water!
193
00:05:42,770 --> 00:05:44,950
- And you're Gotham's savior?
194
00:05:44,950 --> 00:05:46,573
- It's wasteful!
195
00:05:46,573 --> 00:05:47,406
- All right.
196
00:05:47,406 --> 00:05:48,442
Screw this.
197
00:05:48,442 --> 00:05:49,886
(Zippo clicks open)
198
00:05:49,886 --> 00:05:52,636
(fire crackling)
199
00:05:53,740 --> 00:05:54,770
You're burning alive!
200
00:05:54,770 --> 00:05:56,661
This doesn't scare you?
201
00:05:56,661 --> 00:05:59,090
- No, it's actually kind of a relief.
202
00:05:59,090 --> 00:06:00,780
Just keep those Roombas away from me.
203
00:06:00,780 --> 00:06:03,623
They're like little electronic Alfreds.
204
00:06:03,623 --> 00:06:05,263
I mean, I mean, nobody.
205
00:06:06,120 --> 00:06:09,355
Certainly not the butler who raised me.
206
00:06:09,355 --> 00:06:11,580
(electronic record scratching)
(heart beating)
207
00:06:11,580 --> 00:06:12,413
(city droning)
208
00:06:12,413 --> 00:06:13,255
(tense music)
209
00:06:13,255 --> 00:06:15,152
- I told you he would come!
210
00:06:15,152 --> 00:06:17,370
(cape whooshes)
211
00:06:17,370 --> 00:06:18,518
- Wait!
212
00:06:18,518 --> 00:06:19,590
(footsteps approaching)
213
00:06:19,590 --> 00:06:20,423
You could die!
214
00:06:21,310 --> 00:06:22,612
At least tell me your name.
215
00:06:22,612 --> 00:06:25,490
(sirens distantly wailing)
216
00:06:25,490 --> 00:06:27,939
- It's not who I am underneath,
217
00:06:27,939 --> 00:06:30,439
but what I do that defines me.
218
00:06:31,684 --> 00:06:32,517
- Bruce?
219
00:06:36,049 --> 00:06:37,260
- No.
220
00:06:37,260 --> 00:06:39,687
- Oh my god, you totally are, Bruce.
221
00:06:39,687 --> 00:06:41,098
- What?
222
00:06:41,098 --> 00:06:42,240
No way.
223
00:06:42,240 --> 00:06:43,073
- Okay, well that whole,
224
00:06:43,073 --> 00:06:44,360
"what I do that defines me" thing,
225
00:06:44,360 --> 00:06:46,210
I said that to Bruce three days ago
226
00:06:46,210 --> 00:06:47,963
and told no one else, so...
227
00:06:47,963 --> 00:06:49,350
That would mean you're Bruce.
228
00:06:49,350 --> 00:06:50,830
- You're being crazy.
229
00:06:50,830 --> 00:06:52,833
How could I be Bruce Wayne?
230
00:06:52,833 --> 00:06:54,380
- See, I didn't even say "Wayne".
231
00:06:54,380 --> 00:06:55,857
I just said "Bruce".
232
00:06:56,700 --> 00:06:57,533
- Oh.
233
00:06:57,533 --> 00:07:00,721
I saw Bruce Wayne at the bank,
234
00:07:00,721 --> 00:07:03,050
and he told me about your conversation.
235
00:07:03,050 --> 00:07:05,570
- Oh, you guys hang out?
- Yeah.
236
00:07:05,570 --> 00:07:07,970
Bruce Wayne is kinda the coolest.
237
00:07:07,970 --> 00:07:08,803
- Oh, really?
238
00:07:08,803 --> 00:07:10,000
- You should go out with him.
239
00:07:10,000 --> 00:07:11,440
He's free Friday.
240
00:07:11,440 --> 00:07:12,700
- Ms. Dawes, thank god you're safe!
241
00:07:12,700 --> 00:07:15,290
- Commissioner, you're
not gonna believe this.
242
00:07:15,290 --> 00:07:16,835
- What, Bruce Wayne is Batman?
243
00:07:16,835 --> 00:07:17,830
- What?!
244
00:07:17,830 --> 00:07:18,663
Come on!
245
00:07:18,663 --> 00:07:19,795
- Wait, you knew that?
246
00:07:19,795 --> 00:07:21,580
- (scoffs) It's, like, super obvious.
247
00:07:21,580 --> 00:07:22,850
Disappears for a bunch of years,
248
00:07:22,850 --> 00:07:24,980
comes back, he's in incredible shape.
249
00:07:24,980 --> 00:07:25,813
- Well that totally makes sense,
250
00:07:25,813 --> 00:07:26,930
'cause one time when we were kids
251
00:07:26,930 --> 00:07:29,159
I saw him get thrashed by bats.
252
00:07:29,159 --> 00:07:29,992
- No!
253
00:07:29,992 --> 00:07:31,270
- Oh, get this, I was just
driving in the Batmobile,
254
00:07:31,270 --> 00:07:32,240
like, tank-thing.
- Yeah
255
00:07:32,240 --> 00:07:33,130
- I look in the glove box,
256
00:07:33,130 --> 00:07:34,728
and it's registered to
Bruce Wayne! (both laughing)
257
00:07:34,728 --> 00:07:35,887
- That is baloney!
258
00:07:35,887 --> 00:07:37,487
- Batman gave me a
periscope the other night
259
00:07:37,487 --> 00:07:40,305
and it said "Wayne Enterprises" on it.
260
00:07:40,305 --> 00:07:41,138
(Commissioner laughs)
- Hello?!
261
00:07:41,138 --> 00:07:43,220
- Well, what is that?
- I mean, hello?!
262
00:07:43,220 --> 00:07:44,335
- Oh!
263
00:07:44,335 --> 00:07:45,590
This'll...
264
00:07:45,590 --> 00:07:47,280
This'll clear things up!
265
00:07:47,280 --> 00:07:49,810
There's Bruce Wayne, just behind you!
266
00:07:49,810 --> 00:07:53,000
Turn, and let's put this paranoia to rest.
267
00:07:53,000 --> 00:07:54,263
- Just turn around?
268
00:07:56,160 --> 00:07:57,250
Okay.
269
00:07:57,250 --> 00:07:58,200
(footsteps thudding)
270
00:07:58,200 --> 00:07:59,639
- Yup, don't see him.
(rubber stretching)
271
00:07:59,639 --> 00:08:00,590
Guess we'll just turn back around.
272
00:08:00,590 --> 00:08:01,780
- [Batman] Don't turn around!
273
00:08:01,780 --> 00:08:03,050
Wait, wait!
- Let me know.
274
00:08:03,050 --> 00:08:03,967
- Don't turn!
275
00:08:03,967 --> 00:08:05,094
Okay, now you can!
276
00:08:05,094 --> 00:08:06,360
(footsteps approaching)
277
00:08:06,360 --> 00:08:07,193
Hi.
278
00:08:07,193 --> 00:08:09,500
Rachel, Commissioner Gordon, I was just...
279
00:08:09,500 --> 00:08:12,010
Water skiing from a hovercraft...
280
00:08:12,010 --> 00:08:16,719
You know, doing reckless,
billionaire-type stuff like I do--
281
00:08:16,719 --> 00:08:17,920
- Still have your eye makeup on.
282
00:08:17,920 --> 00:08:18,753
- Hm?
283
00:08:21,760 --> 00:08:22,710
No.
284
00:08:22,710 --> 00:08:23,560
This...
285
00:08:23,560 --> 00:08:24,700
I was...
286
00:08:24,700 --> 00:08:26,840
I was hit in the face.
287
00:08:26,840 --> 00:08:28,050
These are black eyes.
288
00:08:28,050 --> 00:08:29,620
I've been fighting crime...
289
00:08:29,620 --> 00:08:30,810
No.
290
00:08:30,810 --> 00:08:32,400
Not that.
291
00:08:32,400 --> 00:08:37,230
Irregardless, Rachel, my
childhood friend, and...
292
00:08:37,230 --> 00:08:38,659
Gordon?
293
00:08:38,659 --> 00:08:39,492
Is that it?
294
00:08:39,493 --> 00:08:41,393
For we've never once met.
295
00:08:42,440 --> 00:08:44,270
I'm not the Batman.
296
00:08:44,270 --> 00:08:45,550
I'm Bruce Wayne.
297
00:08:45,550 --> 00:08:47,790
- So, the city's being
sprayed with fear gas
298
00:08:47,790 --> 00:08:50,590
and you came here just to
tell us you're not Batman.
299
00:08:50,590 --> 00:08:51,760
- That's perfect.
300
00:08:51,760 --> 00:08:52,960
That is perfectly put,
301
00:08:52,960 --> 00:08:55,230
and you know who can confirm it?
302
00:08:55,230 --> 00:08:56,493
Oh, right, right there!
303
00:08:57,497 --> 00:08:59,309
Right behind you, it's Batman!
304
00:08:59,309 --> 00:09:02,180
(footsteps thudding)
305
00:09:02,180 --> 00:09:03,540
Bruce Wayne is right guys.
306
00:09:03,540 --> 00:09:04,820
He's not Batman.
307
00:09:04,820 --> 00:09:05,653
- Wrong voice.
308
00:09:05,653 --> 00:09:06,968
- My mistake!
309
00:09:06,968 --> 00:09:08,570
I don't know what I have to do,
310
00:09:08,570 --> 00:09:11,070
to prove to you that I'm not--
- Wearing the tux.
311
00:09:12,460 --> 00:09:13,640
- Shit!
312
00:09:13,640 --> 00:09:16,980
I can see how you might think
we're the same person but...
313
00:09:16,980 --> 00:09:18,450
I'm wearing the cape, aren't I?
314
00:09:18,450 --> 00:09:19,283
- Yes.
315
00:09:20,640 --> 00:09:21,780
- Look, here we are!
316
00:09:21,780 --> 00:09:23,390
Two completely separate people!
317
00:09:23,390 --> 00:09:24,600
Hey Batman!
318
00:09:24,600 --> 00:09:27,030
Hey, how's it going? (laughs maniacally)
319
00:09:27,030 --> 00:09:28,380
How are you, Batman?
320
00:09:28,380 --> 00:09:29,810
I'm doing real good.
321
00:09:29,810 --> 00:09:31,217
Just spending my day,
322
00:09:31,217 --> 00:09:33,030
Not being Bruce Wayne.
323
00:09:33,030 --> 00:09:33,863
- Well...
324
00:09:34,760 --> 00:09:36,120
I'm convinced.
325
00:09:36,120 --> 00:09:38,130
- If we were the same
person, could I do this?
326
00:09:38,130 --> 00:09:39,670
Hey Batman, how was your day?
327
00:09:39,670 --> 00:09:43,710
Pretty good, I was at-- (gurgling water)
328
00:09:44,925 --> 00:09:45,783
(coughs)
329
00:09:45,783 --> 00:09:48,287
I was down, just at-- (gurgling water)
330
00:09:48,287 --> 00:09:51,317
(chokes on water)
331
00:09:51,317 --> 00:09:56,317
And then the Riddler, he came
in and-- (gurgling water)
332
00:09:56,920 --> 00:09:58,450
Clayface.
333
00:09:58,450 --> 00:09:59,813
- Admit it, you're Batman.
334
00:10:01,300 --> 00:10:03,740
- Look, we can go on and on about who,
335
00:10:03,740 --> 00:10:05,920
or who isn't the vigilante Batman,
336
00:10:05,920 --> 00:10:07,160
but I think it's about time we considered
337
00:10:07,160 --> 00:10:09,610
the fact that the Batman
is actually a half-man,
338
00:10:09,610 --> 00:10:12,163
half-bat who doesn't even
have a secret identity.
339
00:10:15,380 --> 00:10:18,660
Batman gave this glove to me.
340
00:10:18,660 --> 00:10:19,820
- 'Cause you guys hang out?
341
00:10:19,820 --> 00:10:20,960
- Yes we do.
342
00:10:20,960 --> 00:10:22,470
He's kinda the coolest.
343
00:10:22,470 --> 00:10:24,084
He said we should go out sometime!
344
00:10:24,084 --> 00:10:26,387
(electronic record scratching)
(heart beating)
345
00:10:26,387 --> 00:10:27,220
(tense music)
346
00:10:27,220 --> 00:10:28,053
Rachel!
347
00:10:29,803 --> 00:10:31,693
Rachel!
- Batman!
348
00:10:31,693 --> 00:10:32,526
- Rachel!
349
00:10:35,430 --> 00:10:36,860
- Batman!
350
00:10:36,860 --> 00:10:41,860
- Not so fast. (Rachel stifles a scream)
351
00:10:42,500 --> 00:10:44,603
Riddle me this, Batman!
352
00:10:45,590 --> 00:10:46,660
- Riddler, no!
353
00:10:46,660 --> 00:10:49,305
- If you aim, to give us a shot,
354
00:10:49,305 --> 00:10:50,570
(Rachel whimpers)
355
00:10:50,570 --> 00:10:51,543
we'll riddle you.
356
00:10:52,780 --> 00:10:53,723
What are we?
357
00:10:55,529 --> 00:10:58,210
- Oh!
358
00:10:58,210 --> 00:10:59,110
That is a stumper.
359
00:11:01,410 --> 00:11:02,473
Say it again.
360
00:11:03,760 --> 00:11:08,760
- If you aim, to give us
a shot, we'll riddle you.
361
00:11:09,860 --> 00:11:11,094
- Batman, it's bu--
362
00:11:11,094 --> 00:11:13,033
- [Batman And Riddler] Wait, wait, wait.
363
00:11:13,033 --> 00:11:13,950
- No hints.
364
00:11:14,922 --> 00:11:16,005
Is it, buh...
365
00:11:18,786 --> 00:11:19,619
Buh?
366
00:11:22,320 --> 00:11:26,250
- You think the answer
to my riddle is "buh"?
367
00:11:26,250 --> 00:11:27,210
- I heard Rachel say it.
368
00:11:27,210 --> 00:11:28,740
- Don't worry about what she says, worry--
369
00:11:28,740 --> 00:11:31,040
- Is it helicopter?
370
00:11:31,040 --> 00:11:32,649
- Alright, now, what...
371
00:11:32,649 --> 00:11:35,360
What did I say that would
make you think helicopter?
372
00:11:35,360 --> 00:11:38,383
- Well you said, if your aim...
373
00:11:38,383 --> 00:11:40,560
If your aim is to...
374
00:11:40,560 --> 00:11:41,503
I have no idea.
375
00:11:42,630 --> 00:11:45,100
Man I'm just, I'm just
shooting in the dark.
376
00:11:45,100 --> 00:11:45,933
- Listen,
377
00:11:45,933 --> 00:11:48,653
if you "aim"--
- With a gun.
378
00:11:50,090 --> 00:11:53,960
- to give us a "shot",
(Rachel babbling a hint)
379
00:11:53,960 --> 00:11:55,260
we'll riddle you.
380
00:11:55,260 --> 00:11:56,640
- With little pieces of metal.
- Right.
381
00:11:56,640 --> 00:11:59,273
- That are called--
- What are they called?
382
00:12:00,300 --> 00:12:02,386
What's gonna come outta the gun?
383
00:12:02,386 --> 00:12:04,170
- Injustice!
384
00:12:04,170 --> 00:12:07,052
The tools of cowards and criminals.
385
00:12:07,052 --> 00:12:07,885
- Are you serious right now?
386
00:12:07,885 --> 00:12:09,620
Because I've got about ten more of these
387
00:12:09,620 --> 00:12:11,530
riddles that are way harder than this one.
388
00:12:11,530 --> 00:12:12,460
This is like,
389
00:12:12,460 --> 00:12:16,356
just to introduce the
concept of me riddling you.
390
00:12:16,356 --> 00:12:17,736
- I got it.
391
00:12:17,736 --> 00:12:18,820
It's you.
392
00:12:18,820 --> 00:12:19,653
(Rachel sighs in defeat)
393
00:12:19,653 --> 00:12:20,486
You're riddling me.
394
00:12:20,486 --> 00:12:24,780
- In this context, the word
riddle, doesn't mean a joke,
395
00:12:24,780 --> 00:12:26,960
or a brain teaser.
- What?
396
00:12:26,960 --> 00:12:28,500
- Sometimes words have different meanings,
397
00:12:28,500 --> 00:12:31,480
like the word bat could be
an animal or a baseball bat.
398
00:12:31,480 --> 00:12:32,313
- I'm a bat!
399
00:12:33,826 --> 00:12:35,330
- You're not a bat.
400
00:12:35,330 --> 00:12:39,110
- Is the answer a small
boy's Sunday trousers?
401
00:12:39,110 --> 00:12:39,943
- No.
402
00:12:39,943 --> 00:12:42,250
- Is it, Invisalign braces?
403
00:12:42,250 --> 00:12:43,540
- For real, what do you
even see in this guy?
404
00:12:43,540 --> 00:12:44,520
- Honestly, I don't know right now.
405
00:12:44,520 --> 00:12:47,903
- Is it, a bag of steel-cut oats?
406
00:12:49,130 --> 00:12:51,193
- Multiple choice.
- Great, great idea.
407
00:12:52,120 --> 00:12:53,300
- What comes out of a gun?
408
00:12:53,300 --> 00:12:55,973
A: Bullets?
409
00:12:58,020 --> 00:12:59,390
- That sounds good to me.
410
00:12:59,390 --> 00:13:00,980
- What are B and C?
411
00:13:00,980 --> 00:13:02,260
- There is no B and C.
412
00:13:02,260 --> 00:13:03,610
- No B and C?
413
00:13:03,610 --> 00:13:05,080
It's a trap!
414
00:13:05,080 --> 00:13:07,520
Lucius, I need help.
- Of course
415
00:13:07,520 --> 00:13:09,377
- It's a riddle.
- Go ahead.
416
00:13:09,377 --> 00:13:13,750
- "If you shoot, and
aim, I'll riddle you."
417
00:13:13,750 --> 00:13:15,607
- Is it, helicopters?
- Right?!
418
00:13:16,610 --> 00:13:17,473
That's what I said!
419
00:13:17,473 --> 00:13:19,074
- It's bullets!
- Bullets!
420
00:13:19,074 --> 00:13:20,248
- Bullets!
421
00:13:20,248 --> 00:13:21,790
Bullets!
- Riddled with bullets!
422
00:13:21,790 --> 00:13:23,072
It's a common expression!
423
00:13:23,072 --> 00:13:24,130
- Okay, wait.
424
00:13:24,130 --> 00:13:26,680
How could a bullet, riddle me?
425
00:13:26,680 --> 00:13:28,250
It doesn't have a mouth?
426
00:13:28,250 --> 00:13:29,310
- Oh my God!
427
00:13:29,310 --> 00:13:30,380
I told you the riddle,
428
00:13:30,380 --> 00:13:31,570
the answer was bullet,
429
00:13:31,570 --> 00:13:32,828
You were supposed to say bullet,
430
00:13:32,828 --> 00:13:33,984
then I was gonna shoot you!
431
00:13:33,984 --> 00:13:36,008
Like this!
(gunfire blasting)
432
00:13:36,008 --> 00:13:38,232
(Riddler screams in pain)
433
00:13:38,232 --> 00:13:42,056
(Riddler groans in pain)
434
00:13:42,056 --> 00:13:44,525
- You know, if you're gonna tell riddles,
435
00:13:44,525 --> 00:13:46,387
you shouldn't give away the answer.
436
00:13:46,387 --> 00:13:48,859
Totally ruins the fun.
437
00:13:48,859 --> 00:13:50,630
You want a ride?
- Uh, no, I'm--
438
00:13:50,630 --> 00:13:52,423
- I took the Batwing.
439
00:13:52,423 --> 00:13:54,930
- I think I can find my own way home.
440
00:13:54,930 --> 00:13:55,980
- You sure?
441
00:13:55,980 --> 00:13:57,460
The sky is beautiful tonight.
442
00:13:57,460 --> 00:13:58,990
- [Lucius] Batman, what's going on?
443
00:13:58,990 --> 00:13:59,823
- Yeah, call it off.
444
00:13:59,823 --> 00:14:01,480
I'm pretty sure it was helicopter.
445
00:14:02,330 --> 00:14:05,118
This guy just didn't wanna
admit I got it so fast.
446
00:14:05,118 --> 00:14:06,988
(electronic record scratching)
(heart beating)
447
00:14:06,988 --> 00:14:09,738
(dramatic music)
448
00:14:14,124 --> 00:14:14,957
- Batman!
449
00:14:14,957 --> 00:14:16,510
- Looks like we're making progress.
450
00:14:16,510 --> 00:14:18,300
- Well we can track the
money now, thanks to you!
451
00:14:18,300 --> 00:14:20,180
- Lightly radiated bills.
452
00:14:20,180 --> 00:14:22,370
- The Mob doesn't know that
the money's been marked.
453
00:14:22,370 --> 00:14:24,670
We should be able to trace
it back to its source
454
00:14:24,670 --> 00:14:26,150
and prosecute 'em,
455
00:14:26,150 --> 00:14:29,161
there's a willing D.A.
- Harvey Dent!
456
00:14:29,161 --> 00:14:31,121
Can he be trusted?
- Well he seems to be
457
00:14:31,121 --> 00:14:33,376
about the best that we've...
458
00:14:33,376 --> 00:14:34,209
What was that?
459
00:14:34,209 --> 00:14:36,142
What, are you sneaking away?
460
00:14:36,142 --> 00:14:36,975
- No.
461
00:14:36,975 --> 00:14:38,282
- Is this the old vanishing routine?
462
00:14:38,282 --> 00:14:39,115
- What?
463
00:14:39,115 --> 00:14:40,569
- Is this part where I
turn and then I turn back
464
00:14:40,569 --> 00:14:41,417
and all of the sudden you're gone?
465
00:14:41,417 --> 00:14:42,800
- No!
- Everybody's impressed.
466
00:14:42,800 --> 00:14:45,550
- Harvey Dent, can he be trusted?
467
00:14:46,608 --> 00:14:49,369
- Well he seems to be about the...
468
00:14:49,369 --> 00:14:51,358
He seems to be about the
best that we've got--
469
00:14:51,358 --> 00:14:54,025
- Harvey Dent, can we trust him?
470
00:14:54,916 --> 00:14:57,697
- Seems to be about the
best that we've got.
471
00:14:57,697 --> 00:15:00,447
(dramatic music)
472
00:15:06,110 --> 00:15:06,943
Batman?
473
00:15:08,813 --> 00:15:09,646
(clears throat)
474
00:15:09,646 --> 00:15:10,940
Uh, Batman?
475
00:15:10,940 --> 00:15:12,170
- I found something!
476
00:15:12,170 --> 00:15:13,590
- You found some-
- I found some!
477
00:15:13,590 --> 00:15:15,261
- You found some something?
- Evidence!
478
00:15:15,261 --> 00:15:16,187
- You found some evidence?
- I found evidence!
479
00:15:16,187 --> 00:15:18,330
- You found some evidence over there?
480
00:15:18,330 --> 00:15:20,030
- Here!
- Okay.
481
00:15:20,030 --> 00:15:21,870
- Someone left some evidence!
482
00:15:21,870 --> 00:15:23,810
- We would've never found
that evidence without you.
483
00:15:23,810 --> 00:15:27,170
- I'll analyze it with science!
484
00:15:27,170 --> 00:15:29,740
- We are always in your debt, Batman.
485
00:15:29,740 --> 00:15:30,573
(cars honking distantly)
486
00:15:30,573 --> 00:15:34,020
- Harvey Dent, can we trust him?
487
00:15:34,020 --> 00:15:37,120
- Yeah, oh well, he seems
to be about the best--
488
00:15:37,120 --> 00:15:38,219
- Wait!
- Okay.
489
00:15:38,219 --> 00:15:39,510
- [Batman] Wait one second!
490
00:15:39,510 --> 00:15:40,542
- He's--
- Okay.
491
00:15:40,542 --> 00:15:41,375
(objects clamoring)
- Well he's--
492
00:15:41,375 --> 00:15:42,208
- Don't look for a second!
(objects clamoring)
493
00:15:42,208 --> 00:15:43,483
- He's the best we've got...
494
00:15:43,483 --> 00:15:44,910
(objects clamoring)
495
00:15:44,910 --> 00:15:46,950
Now?
- Wait for a second.
496
00:15:46,950 --> 00:15:48,587
Hold on.
497
00:15:48,587 --> 00:15:50,650
(Commissioner Gordon sighs heavily)
498
00:15:50,650 --> 00:15:52,000
- [Batman] Okay, now!
499
00:15:52,000 --> 00:15:54,043
Wait, no, not now.
- Not?
500
00:15:54,043 --> 00:15:54,876
- Now!
- Yeah?
501
00:15:54,876 --> 00:15:56,130
- [Batman] No!
502
00:15:56,130 --> 00:15:57,410
Okay, now!
503
00:15:57,410 --> 00:15:59,285
- 'Bout the best we've got.
504
00:15:59,285 --> 00:16:02,618
(dramatic music swells)
505
00:16:08,710 --> 00:16:11,300
- Actually, could you leave that on?
506
00:16:11,300 --> 00:16:12,400
I dropped my wallet.
507
00:16:12,400 --> 00:16:14,490
- I gotta go to bed.
- Swear to me!
508
00:16:14,490 --> 00:16:16,608
(electronic record scratching)
(heart beating)
509
00:16:16,608 --> 00:16:17,990
- All right, Wiggles the Clown,
510
00:16:17,990 --> 00:16:20,820
drunk and disorderly at
a children's party, nice.
511
00:16:20,820 --> 00:16:22,119
What do you have to say for yourself?
512
00:16:22,119 --> 00:16:25,220
- Evening commissioner.
- What the hell?
513
00:16:25,220 --> 00:16:26,870
- Isn't that?
- Yeah, I know who that is!
514
00:16:26,870 --> 00:16:27,703
- Hi.
515
00:16:30,230 --> 00:16:33,350
D'you wanna know how I got these scars?
516
00:16:33,350 --> 00:16:35,050
- But then that means Batman is...
517
00:16:36,010 --> 00:16:36,843
Oh God!
518
00:16:36,843 --> 00:16:38,559
Come on, come on!
519
00:16:38,559 --> 00:16:40,080
(lights click on)
520
00:16:40,080 --> 00:16:41,830
(head thuds)
(Wiggles groans in pain)
521
00:16:41,830 --> 00:16:44,170
- Oh my head! (groans in pain)
522
00:16:44,170 --> 00:16:45,369
Everything's fuzzy!
523
00:16:45,369 --> 00:16:47,301
(punch thuds loudly)
(Wiggles groans in pain)
524
00:16:47,301 --> 00:16:48,600
Who punches a hand?
525
00:16:48,600 --> 00:16:49,800
- You wanted me?
526
00:16:49,800 --> 00:16:51,643
Here I am!
- (scoffs) I didn't want you!
527
00:16:51,643 --> 00:16:53,120
I don't even know who you are!
528
00:16:53,120 --> 00:16:55,510
- Where's Dent?
- I don't know who Dent is!
529
00:16:55,510 --> 00:16:57,690
I think you broke my balloon-tying hand.
530
00:16:57,690 --> 00:16:59,820
- You're garbage who kills for money!
531
00:16:59,820 --> 00:17:00,740
- No, I'm Wiggles.
532
00:17:00,740 --> 00:17:02,100
Garbage is a different clown
533
00:17:02,100 --> 00:17:04,599
that works East-- (Wiggles yelps)
534
00:17:04,599 --> 00:17:06,199
- Where's Dent?
- I don't know!
535
00:17:06,200 --> 00:17:08,890
I was hired by Leo for his son's birthday!
536
00:17:08,890 --> 00:17:10,660
I do closeup magic!
537
00:17:10,660 --> 00:17:11,953
(Wiggles screams)
538
00:17:11,953 --> 00:17:13,153
- I have one rule!
539
00:17:13,153 --> 00:17:17,290
- I am so sorry I broke
your rule, Giant Bat!
540
00:17:17,290 --> 00:17:21,740
All I drank was two beers
and some cooking sherry!
541
00:17:21,740 --> 00:17:25,472
- Which is?
- Fortified wine-- (screams)
542
00:17:25,472 --> 00:17:28,220
(Wiggles groans in pain)
543
00:17:28,220 --> 00:17:29,563
- Great Scott, come on!
544
00:17:33,082 --> 00:17:33,915
(Wiggles screams)
545
00:17:33,915 --> 00:17:34,748
(Wiggles thuds)
(Wiggles groans in pain)
546
00:17:34,748 --> 00:17:37,200
- Where are they?!?
- Who?!?
547
00:17:37,200 --> 00:17:38,903
(Wiggles screams)
548
00:17:38,903 --> 00:17:42,447
- Where are they?!?
- Oh my God, who?!?
549
00:17:42,447 --> 00:17:44,158
(punches thudding)
- Where are they?!?
550
00:17:44,158 --> 00:17:49,158
- (crying) I got drunk at a
birthday party, I'm sorry!
551
00:17:49,255 --> 00:17:50,088
(punch thuds)
(chair clamoring)
552
00:17:50,088 --> 00:17:51,470
- Batman, stop, stop!
553
00:17:51,470 --> 00:17:52,830
Stop for a moment!
554
00:17:52,830 --> 00:17:54,930
It's not The Joker, it's a birthday clown!
555
00:17:55,945 --> 00:17:56,778
(punch thuds)
556
00:17:56,778 --> 00:17:59,290
You stop punching him in the face!
557
00:17:59,290 --> 00:18:01,303
- Really?
- That's not The Joker!
558
00:18:03,321 --> 00:18:04,610
(Wiggles crying in agony)
559
00:18:04,610 --> 00:18:06,130
- That's The Joker.
- No, that's not--
560
00:18:06,130 --> 00:18:07,650
- Looks like The Joker.
- No.
561
00:18:07,650 --> 00:18:09,985
Look at him, he is not The Joker.
562
00:18:09,985 --> 00:18:12,000
(Wiggles sobbing in fear)
563
00:18:12,000 --> 00:18:14,020
- Two clowns?
- Right.
564
00:18:14,020 --> 00:18:15,500
- Full disclosure,
565
00:18:15,500 --> 00:18:16,550
part of me knew that.
566
00:18:17,420 --> 00:18:18,253
Yeah.
567
00:18:18,253 --> 00:18:19,527
It was embarrassing to
stop, what d'you say?
568
00:18:19,527 --> 00:18:21,384
So I just kinda owned it.
569
00:18:21,384 --> 00:18:22,620
(Wiggles sobbing)
570
00:18:22,620 --> 00:18:26,540
I gave you the beating,
not that you deserved,
571
00:18:26,540 --> 00:18:28,690
but the one that he needed.
572
00:18:28,690 --> 00:18:30,660
- All right, he didn't do anything.
573
00:18:30,660 --> 00:18:32,960
- Harvey Dent.
- Right.
574
00:18:32,960 --> 00:18:34,020
- Can we trust him?
575
00:18:34,020 --> 00:18:35,642
- No, we're past that.
576
00:18:35,642 --> 00:18:37,030
(Batman sighs)
577
00:18:37,030 --> 00:18:39,290
- There's nowhere to go in here.
578
00:18:39,290 --> 00:18:40,153
- Sorry, Jim.
579
00:18:41,497 --> 00:18:42,460
(Wiggles whimpers in fear)
580
00:18:42,460 --> 00:18:43,310
You want...
581
00:18:43,310 --> 00:18:45,177
You want one of my telescopes?
- No!
582
00:18:46,148 --> 00:18:49,864
(police radio chatter)
(sirens wailing distantly)
583
00:18:49,864 --> 00:18:52,320
- Oh, I am so sorry about that, Wiggles.
584
00:18:52,320 --> 00:18:54,090
Little bit of a mix-up down here.
585
00:18:54,090 --> 00:18:57,250
- My father was a drinker, and a fool.
586
00:18:57,250 --> 00:18:59,390
- Come on!
(door slams shut)
587
00:18:59,390 --> 00:19:01,381
- Where are they?!?
588
00:19:01,381 --> 00:19:02,214
(mime thuds)
589
00:19:02,214 --> 00:19:03,548
Talk, dammit!
590
00:19:03,548 --> 00:19:04,457
(tense music)
591
00:19:04,457 --> 00:19:05,290
(punch thuds)
592
00:19:05,290 --> 00:19:06,942
(electronic record scratching)
(heart beating)
593
00:19:06,942 --> 00:19:07,775
(tense music)
594
00:19:07,775 --> 00:19:09,293
- Harvey, just put the gun down.
595
00:19:10,410 --> 00:19:11,730
You're not gonna hurt my family.
596
00:19:11,730 --> 00:19:13,230
- No.
597
00:19:13,230 --> 00:19:14,803
Just the person you love most.
598
00:19:16,550 --> 00:19:17,460
So who is it?
599
00:19:17,460 --> 00:19:19,733
- Harvey, just put the gun down please.
600
00:19:21,155 --> 00:19:23,533
Goddamnit, stop putting
that gun on my family, Dent!
601
00:19:23,533 --> 00:19:24,653
- We have a winner.
602
00:19:25,779 --> 00:19:28,497
- No!
603
00:19:28,497 --> 00:19:30,653
- You don't wanna hurt the boy, Two-Face.
604
00:19:31,610 --> 00:19:32,970
- It's not about what I want.
605
00:19:32,970 --> 00:19:34,120
It's about what's fair.
606
00:19:35,720 --> 00:19:37,745
So you thought we could be decent--
607
00:19:37,745 --> 00:19:38,700
- Harvey!
608
00:19:38,700 --> 00:19:39,880
Thank god you're here.
609
00:19:39,880 --> 00:19:41,893
Two-Face took Gordon's boy hostage.
610
00:19:46,508 --> 00:19:49,080
Two-Face, you're back!
611
00:19:49,080 --> 00:19:50,280
- What are you talking about?
612
00:19:50,280 --> 00:19:51,590
- Give up the boy!
613
00:19:51,590 --> 00:19:54,920
Nothing fair ever came out
of the barrel of a gun.
614
00:19:54,920 --> 00:19:56,140
- He knows what happen to me right?
615
00:19:56,140 --> 00:19:58,177
- Harvey, now you're back!
616
00:19:58,177 --> 00:19:59,260
Use that gun you're holding,
617
00:19:59,260 --> 00:20:02,910
next time Two-Face shows his faces.
618
00:20:02,910 --> 00:20:06,230
- Is this because you can
only see one half of my face
619
00:20:06,230 --> 00:20:07,466
when I'm talking to him?
620
00:20:07,466 --> 00:20:09,360
- Harvey, Where did you go?!?
621
00:20:09,360 --> 00:20:12,830
Two-Face is back and
he looks super pissed!
622
00:20:12,830 --> 00:20:14,170
- Yeah!
623
00:20:14,170 --> 00:20:15,980
'Cause I'm Harvey Dent!
624
00:20:15,980 --> 00:20:17,500
- Nice try Two-Face,
625
00:20:17,500 --> 00:20:19,703
but your tricks wont work on me!
626
00:20:19,703 --> 00:20:22,140
I am the world's greatest detective.
627
00:20:22,140 --> 00:20:23,080
- Batman!
628
00:20:23,080 --> 00:20:24,740
Harvey Dent is Two-Face.
629
00:20:25,743 --> 00:20:27,102
- What?
630
00:20:27,102 --> 00:20:30,050
- Batman, remember, you
went to save Rachel,
631
00:20:30,050 --> 00:20:32,156
but it wasn't Rachel, it was Harvey Dent.
632
00:20:32,156 --> 00:20:32,989
- Huh?
633
00:20:32,989 --> 00:20:34,400
- Remember half of his face?
634
00:20:34,400 --> 00:20:37,810
This half of his face,
635
00:20:37,810 --> 00:20:39,260
was in the gasoline,
636
00:20:39,260 --> 00:20:41,457
just stop me when you
start remembering this.
637
00:20:41,457 --> 00:20:43,350
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
638
00:20:43,350 --> 00:20:45,160
I want you to know,
639
00:20:45,160 --> 00:20:46,650
I'm completely lost.
640
00:20:46,650 --> 00:20:48,470
- You really don't remember any of that?
641
00:20:48,470 --> 00:20:49,850
Half my face melted
642
00:20:49,850 --> 00:20:51,083
and now I'm insane.
643
00:20:52,610 --> 00:20:55,800
- Full disclosure, its
kinda been a crazy day,
644
00:20:55,800 --> 00:20:59,410
and this suit's really hot.
645
00:20:59,410 --> 00:21:01,240
I kind of go in and out.
646
00:21:02,210 --> 00:21:03,720
- This is the guy that beat The Joker?
647
00:21:03,720 --> 00:21:05,140
- Yeah, I don't know how he did it.
648
00:21:05,140 --> 00:21:09,490
- I used my skills that I
learned in the mountains.
649
00:21:09,490 --> 00:21:10,500
- Batman listen,
650
00:21:10,500 --> 00:21:12,070
Harvey Dent is Two-Face.
651
00:21:12,070 --> 00:21:13,566
They are the same person.
652
00:21:13,566 --> 00:21:17,680
- So Harvey used to be Two-Face?
653
00:21:17,680 --> 00:21:19,013
- I am Two-Face!
654
00:21:20,810 --> 00:21:22,123
I have two faces!
655
00:21:22,974 --> 00:21:23,820
Okay?!?
656
00:21:23,820 --> 00:21:26,170
I'm Harvey Dent and I'm Two-Face.
657
00:21:26,170 --> 00:21:27,930
I'm Two-Face and I'm Harvey Dent...
658
00:21:27,930 --> 00:21:28,930
Okay, You know what?
659
00:21:30,080 --> 00:21:31,003
Lets start over.
660
00:21:32,620 --> 00:21:33,540
What do you see?
661
00:21:34,803 --> 00:21:37,163
- Harvey face!
- Good.
662
00:21:39,040 --> 00:21:40,040
Now what do you see?
663
00:21:41,160 --> 00:21:43,743
- Scary face!
- Okay.
664
00:21:44,820 --> 00:21:48,418
Put 'em both together, what do you see?
665
00:21:48,418 --> 00:21:50,310
- Two-Face
- Yes, yes!
666
00:21:50,310 --> 00:21:53,930
- What have you done with
Harvey and Scary Face?
667
00:21:53,930 --> 00:21:55,330
They've done nothing to you!
668
00:21:57,060 --> 00:21:58,280
- Okay.
669
00:21:58,280 --> 00:22:02,080
Here we go, right now, we're doing this...
670
00:22:02,080 --> 00:22:06,942
Everybody's going to get same
chance that Rachel got, 50-50.
671
00:22:06,942 --> 00:22:08,830
- How could we possibly determine that?
672
00:22:08,830 --> 00:22:11,514
- By flipping a fucking coin!
673
00:22:11,514 --> 00:22:14,270
- Yeah, let's just flip a coin.
674
00:22:14,270 --> 00:22:17,675
It's heads or tails, we need fifty coins,
675
00:22:17,675 --> 00:22:20,380
and then 50 more.
676
00:22:20,380 --> 00:22:22,493
50-50.
677
00:22:22,493 --> 00:22:23,790
- Seriously?
678
00:22:23,790 --> 00:22:28,123
- And then my computer will
analyze it with science.
679
00:22:30,280 --> 00:22:32,830
- I'm gonna flip to see if
I get to kill you first.
680
00:22:34,086 --> 00:22:35,960
(coin clinks daintily)
681
00:22:35,960 --> 00:22:36,793
It's "heads",
682
00:22:37,890 --> 00:22:39,340
which means I can't kill him.
683
00:22:40,290 --> 00:22:42,525
Does anybody here object to redo?
684
00:22:42,525 --> 00:22:44,410
- No, no, no, no.
- Nope, shoot him.
685
00:22:44,410 --> 00:22:46,053
- C'mon!
- Awesome!
686
00:22:47,251 --> 00:22:48,234
(dramatic music swells)
687
00:22:48,234 --> 00:22:49,520
(Batman yells)
- No!
688
00:22:49,520 --> 00:22:52,353
(loud clamoring)
689
00:22:58,190 --> 00:23:01,180
- I guess that's the end of Scary Face!
690
00:23:01,180 --> 00:23:02,307
- Give me my son, dipshit.
691
00:23:02,307 --> 00:23:04,295
(electronic record scratching)
(heart beating)
692
00:23:04,295 --> 00:23:06,471
(tense music)
(knife stabbing flesh)
693
00:23:06,471 --> 00:23:07,540
(flesh squelching)
694
00:23:07,540 --> 00:23:10,290
- You know you'll never get
out of here alive, Cobblepot.
695
00:23:10,290 --> 00:23:14,330
- Be quiet and wait your turn.
(flesh squelching)
696
00:23:14,330 --> 00:23:17,247
(punches thudding)
697
00:23:21,077 --> 00:23:26,077
(Cobblepot groans)
(Batman groans)
698
00:23:27,024 --> 00:23:28,763
End me, Batman.
699
00:23:28,763 --> 00:23:30,745
You know you want to!
700
00:23:30,745 --> 00:23:32,657
- I don't kill!
701
00:23:32,657 --> 00:23:34,470
(Cobblepot groans)
702
00:23:34,470 --> 00:23:36,301
- He's not like you Cobblepot
703
00:23:36,301 --> 00:23:40,660
- (laughs) Your stupid
rule will be your downfall,
704
00:23:40,660 --> 00:23:42,433
you know that, right Batman?
705
00:23:43,360 --> 00:23:46,710
- I'm not a coward who hides behind a gun.
706
00:23:46,710 --> 00:23:48,960
I would never take the life of another,
707
00:23:48,960 --> 00:23:50,510
for I am--
- Batman, look out!
708
00:23:52,420 --> 00:23:54,007
- The Dark Knight!
709
00:23:54,007 --> 00:23:56,420
The last remaining beacon of morality
710
00:23:56,420 --> 00:23:57,870
in the shadows of this town.
711
00:23:57,870 --> 00:23:59,873
- Wait what, what was that?
712
00:24:01,664 --> 00:24:02,497
- What?
713
00:24:02,497 --> 00:24:04,600
- You just said you don't kill.
714
00:24:04,600 --> 00:24:06,040
- Yeah, I know.
715
00:24:06,040 --> 00:24:08,320
It's like, my one rule
716
00:24:08,320 --> 00:24:11,513
- Yeah, Batman, why don't
you look the guy that, yeah.
717
00:24:12,620 --> 00:24:14,340
- He's asleep
- No, he's...
718
00:24:14,340 --> 00:24:16,540
Wait what?
- Oh!
719
00:24:16,540 --> 00:24:17,373
I see what's happening,
720
00:24:17,373 --> 00:24:18,760
you guys don't know this,
721
00:24:18,760 --> 00:24:22,360
but when criminals fight
me, it's exhausting,
722
00:24:22,360 --> 00:24:24,090
'cause I'm good.
723
00:24:24,090 --> 00:24:25,930
So they often have to nap afterwards.
724
00:24:25,930 --> 00:24:28,400
- Wait you can't be this...
725
00:24:28,400 --> 00:24:30,940
You think, you think they're sleeping?
726
00:24:30,940 --> 00:24:33,883
- Look at that poor little
guy, he's all tuckered out.
727
00:24:35,550 --> 00:24:39,610
- Oh my god, do you, do
you not know what death is?
728
00:24:39,610 --> 00:24:42,790
- I totally know what
it is, don't be stupid!
729
00:24:42,790 --> 00:24:44,988
Let's just, let's back it up a little bit,
730
00:24:44,988 --> 00:24:46,980
to talk about what hero I am.
731
00:24:46,980 --> 00:24:49,550
- (stammers) Batman, you
have to know what dead...
732
00:24:49,550 --> 00:24:51,510
I mean, your parents were shot and killed.
733
00:24:51,510 --> 00:24:53,547
- My parents were shot, yes,
734
00:24:53,547 --> 00:24:56,610
but they're alive, on a special farm.
735
00:24:56,610 --> 00:24:58,510
- Oh boy.
- They're on a farm?
736
00:24:58,510 --> 00:25:00,610
- They're on a special happy farm,
737
00:25:00,610 --> 00:25:02,180
where they make buttermilk.
738
00:25:02,180 --> 00:25:06,280
They romp and play, there's
a hammock made of dreams.
739
00:25:06,280 --> 00:25:08,700
- Wow.
- I can't even--
740
00:25:08,700 --> 00:25:10,490
- They write me Emails.
- Wow.
741
00:25:10,490 --> 00:25:12,060
- Wow.
- Wow.
742
00:25:12,060 --> 00:25:13,290
- I don't understand
what you find hard to-
743
00:25:13,290 --> 00:25:14,373
- Batman, look out!
744
00:25:14,373 --> 00:25:15,449
(thug groans in agony)
745
00:25:15,449 --> 00:25:16,526
- about any of that.
746
00:25:16,526 --> 00:25:17,359
(body thrashing)
747
00:25:17,359 --> 00:25:19,500
It's a very plausible situation.
748
00:25:19,500 --> 00:25:21,010
Old rich people go to farms.
(body clamoring)
749
00:25:21,010 --> 00:25:22,840
- Are you kidding me?
750
00:25:22,840 --> 00:25:23,673
Are you kidding?
751
00:25:23,673 --> 00:25:25,440
I'm the one you're after?
- Yeah. (sighs defeatedly)
752
00:25:25,440 --> 00:25:27,120
- And then, wow!
753
00:25:27,120 --> 00:25:29,760
See this is what we are talking about!
754
00:25:29,760 --> 00:25:32,560
What you just did, you killed that guy!
755
00:25:32,560 --> 00:25:35,930
- Comish, that head-wound,
its got to be taking its toll,
756
00:25:35,930 --> 00:25:38,340
'cause you are making zero sense!
757
00:25:38,340 --> 00:25:39,970
- Gordon just let me try,
758
00:25:39,970 --> 00:25:40,970
okay?
- Please.
759
00:25:40,970 --> 00:25:44,681
- Batman, what do you have on your wrists?
760
00:25:44,681 --> 00:25:46,580
- I'm not wearing hockey pads!
761
00:25:46,580 --> 00:25:47,830
- It's alright, I know, listen,
762
00:25:47,830 --> 00:25:50,550
what are the metal, sharp, stabby things?
763
00:25:50,550 --> 00:25:54,496
- These are triangle blades
to use against my foes.
764
00:25:54,496 --> 00:25:55,329
(mimics fighting noises)
765
00:25:55,329 --> 00:25:56,162
- Okay.
766
00:25:56,162 --> 00:25:57,134
Thank you
- I've broke your sword!
767
00:25:57,134 --> 00:25:59,045
- Batman--
- Compromise your footing!
768
00:25:59,045 --> 00:26:00,940
Icey water!
- Unbelievable.
769
00:26:00,940 --> 00:26:02,600
- Good times.
- Batman!
770
00:26:02,600 --> 00:26:07,600
Now, if the metal triangle
blade hits a flesh neck,
771
00:26:09,950 --> 00:26:11,586
what happens?
772
00:26:11,586 --> 00:26:13,080
- Yes, I know this.
773
00:26:13,080 --> 00:26:16,230
- They?
- They go to sleep,
774
00:26:16,230 --> 00:26:17,070
just like me,
775
00:26:17,070 --> 00:26:17,990
and then they wake up,
776
00:26:17,990 --> 00:26:19,440
just like me,
777
00:26:19,440 --> 00:26:20,694
usually with a boner.
778
00:26:20,694 --> 00:26:21,527
(Cobblepot and Commissioner
Gordon sigh in defeat)
779
00:26:21,527 --> 00:26:22,460
I call it the Bat Signal
780
00:26:22,460 --> 00:26:23,850
- No, they die!
781
00:26:23,850 --> 00:26:24,960
There's no boners!
782
00:26:24,960 --> 00:26:26,090
They don't get sleepy!
783
00:26:26,090 --> 00:26:27,670
They die!
784
00:26:27,670 --> 00:26:30,340
- Wait, but my fish...
785
00:26:30,340 --> 00:26:33,150
He went to sleep and we
flushed him down the toilet.
786
00:26:33,150 --> 00:26:35,080
He's in the ocean right know, he's alive!
787
00:26:35,080 --> 00:26:35,940
- No he's dead
788
00:26:35,940 --> 00:26:38,143
- Doctor Fishy, no!
789
00:26:39,809 --> 00:26:42,970
- You see Batman, what
you did to Doctor Fishy,
790
00:26:42,970 --> 00:26:45,540
is what you've done to these men.
791
00:26:45,540 --> 00:26:48,100
- I overfed these men?
- No, you killed them.
792
00:26:48,100 --> 00:26:50,950
- Whoa, major game changer.
793
00:26:50,950 --> 00:26:54,774
Before I didn't understand
but now I got it.
794
00:26:54,774 --> 00:26:56,120
We're on the same page.
795
00:26:56,120 --> 00:26:57,070
- Good.
- Good.
796
00:26:57,070 --> 00:27:02,070
- You're saying If i go to sleep, I die?
797
00:27:02,530 --> 00:27:04,215
- No, oh my God, no, wow.
798
00:27:04,215 --> 00:27:05,798
(tense music swells)
799
00:27:05,798 --> 00:27:06,656
(Cobblepot chuckles)
800
00:27:06,656 --> 00:27:08,780
- Well, it doesn't matter either way,
801
00:27:08,780 --> 00:27:10,880
because I'm about to give you
802
00:27:10,880 --> 00:27:14,101
a personal lesson in death!
803
00:27:14,101 --> 00:27:16,047
(Cobblepot yells)
804
00:27:16,047 --> 00:27:18,797
(gunshot blasts)
805
00:27:23,490 --> 00:27:25,048
- What happened to no guns?
806
00:27:25,048 --> 00:27:26,902
- This is a gun?
807
00:27:26,902 --> 00:27:27,735
(Cobblepot groans)
808
00:27:27,735 --> 00:27:30,735
(gunshots blasting)
809
00:27:31,839 --> 00:27:34,080
(bullet shells clanging)
810
00:27:34,080 --> 00:27:35,378
- You're an idiot!
811
00:27:35,378 --> 00:27:36,396
(Batman shushes loudly)
812
00:27:36,396 --> 00:27:37,990
- Not so loud,
813
00:27:37,990 --> 00:27:39,605
you'll wake him!
814
00:27:39,605 --> 00:27:40,438
(gunshot blasts)
815
00:27:40,438 --> 00:27:42,556
(electronic record scratching)
(heart beating)
816
00:27:42,556 --> 00:27:43,389
Where's the trigger?!
817
00:27:43,389 --> 00:27:46,139
(dramatic music)
818
00:27:47,170 --> 00:27:49,888
- [Bane] I broke you,
how have you come back?
819
00:27:49,888 --> 00:27:51,636
- You think you're the only one
820
00:27:51,636 --> 00:27:53,733
who could learn the strength to escape?
821
00:27:53,733 --> 00:27:55,700
- I did not escape.
822
00:27:55,700 --> 00:27:57,810
- The child of Ra's al
Ghul made the climb.
823
00:27:57,810 --> 00:28:00,730
- But he is not the
child of Ra's al Ghul...
824
00:28:00,730 --> 00:28:01,563
I am.
825
00:28:02,854 --> 00:28:04,631
(Batman groans)
826
00:28:04,631 --> 00:28:07,889
- What? (coughs)
827
00:28:07,889 --> 00:28:08,930
Miranda?
828
00:28:08,930 --> 00:28:10,880
- Talia al Ghul,
829
00:28:10,880 --> 00:28:13,195
here to finish my father's work.
830
00:28:13,195 --> 00:28:15,963
(Batman coughs)
831
00:28:15,963 --> 00:28:17,950
- But we totally had sex.
832
00:28:19,150 --> 00:28:20,050
- Yes, I know
833
00:28:21,080 --> 00:28:23,033
- No, like hardcore.
834
00:28:24,060 --> 00:28:25,680
Three times
835
00:28:25,680 --> 00:28:29,270
- It was all a cruel ploy
to gain your confidence.
836
00:28:29,270 --> 00:28:31,800
- That was a cruel ploy? (chuckles)
837
00:28:31,800 --> 00:28:33,961
Sign me up for another!
838
00:28:33,961 --> 00:28:34,813
It was great.
839
00:28:34,813 --> 00:28:39,460
- [Bane] When the mission is
at hand, no act is off limits.
840
00:28:39,460 --> 00:28:41,176
- Oh, I agree.
841
00:28:41,176 --> 00:28:42,890
Nothing was off limits
842
00:28:42,890 --> 00:28:45,060
It was like an "all-you-can-fuck" buffet.
843
00:28:45,060 --> 00:28:46,910
- [Bane] Okay Bruce, that's enough.
844
00:28:46,910 --> 00:28:48,300
- Okay, let's get back on track.
845
00:28:48,300 --> 00:28:51,520
You must be wondering how we
came to this moment, Mr. Wayne.
846
00:28:51,520 --> 00:28:53,270
- Lemme, see if I recollect...
847
00:28:54,190 --> 00:28:55,190
Some stuff happened,
848
00:28:56,180 --> 00:28:57,130
you sucked my dick.
849
00:28:58,410 --> 00:29:00,233
- My father--
- Like a lot.
850
00:29:01,140 --> 00:29:03,094
- My father never accepted Bane.
851
00:29:03,094 --> 00:29:04,220
- How was that, by the way?
852
00:29:04,220 --> 00:29:06,673
- Are you done?
- I hadn't showered that day,
853
00:29:06,673 --> 00:29:08,563
and I fight crime in a rubber suit,
854
00:29:09,510 --> 00:29:11,463
really seals in the flavor.
855
00:29:11,463 --> 00:29:13,010
- [Bane] Ugh, dude, Jesus.
856
00:29:13,010 --> 00:29:17,110
- My father only saw a monster
who could not be tamed.
857
00:29:17,110 --> 00:29:18,470
- You tamed my monster!
858
00:29:18,470 --> 00:29:20,590
- Okay, just shut up, okay?
859
00:29:20,590 --> 00:29:21,920
- With your mouth?
- Stop!
860
00:29:21,920 --> 00:29:23,800
- And two other places.
- Okay.
861
00:29:23,800 --> 00:29:26,320
- In an order that would surprise you.
862
00:29:26,320 --> 00:29:28,445
- Enough!
- Ass, mouth, vag.
863
00:29:28,445 --> 00:29:30,072
- [Bane] All right, that's it!
864
00:29:30,072 --> 00:29:32,327
That is my love you're speaking to,
865
00:29:32,327 --> 00:29:34,440
I am her protector.
866
00:29:34,440 --> 00:29:35,840
- That's ironic,
867
00:29:35,840 --> 00:29:37,850
'cause we didn't use any protection,
868
00:29:37,850 --> 00:29:38,683
and I offered!
869
00:29:38,683 --> 00:29:41,770
- You motherfucker!
- No, no, no Bane, it's fine.
870
00:29:41,770 --> 00:29:43,510
These words will be his last.
871
00:29:43,510 --> 00:29:44,877
Her last words were,
872
00:29:44,877 --> 00:29:46,480
"Spit in my mouth!"
873
00:29:46,480 --> 00:29:48,500
- Okay, do you understand
what's happening right now?
874
00:29:48,500 --> 00:29:50,700
A bomb is about to blow up
Gotham and I've stabbed you!
875
00:29:50,700 --> 00:29:52,563
- I stabbed you first.
- Okay.
876
00:29:54,045 --> 00:29:56,410
- With my dick.
- I got it.
877
00:29:56,410 --> 00:29:59,950
- Just to clarify, guy who
breathes through a crab,
878
00:29:59,950 --> 00:30:02,120
it's not the first time
one of us has shoved
879
00:30:02,120 --> 00:30:05,135
nine hard inches up into somebody's ribs.
880
00:30:05,135 --> 00:30:06,482
- Oh, God.
- It wasn't nine inches.
881
00:30:06,482 --> 00:30:09,872
- Except when I did to her she loved it!
882
00:30:09,872 --> 00:30:10,880
- Enough!
(bomb buzzing)
883
00:30:10,880 --> 00:30:14,410
Soon you will feel the fire of
12-million souls you failed!
884
00:30:14,410 --> 00:30:17,220
- So what you're saying is
by touching that red spot
885
00:30:17,220 --> 00:30:20,324
in just the right way
there's an explosion?
886
00:30:20,324 --> 00:30:22,521
- Exactly.
887
00:30:22,521 --> 00:30:23,942
(Batman groans sexually)
888
00:30:23,942 --> 00:30:24,775
We get it.
889
00:30:24,775 --> 00:30:25,620
- You know I'm good at it,
890
00:30:25,620 --> 00:30:27,120
I do the alphabet.
891
00:30:27,120 --> 00:30:30,510
A is for Alfred, B is for bats--
892
00:30:30,510 --> 00:30:32,300
- It's a clitoris, I get it, I get it.
893
00:30:32,300 --> 00:30:33,620
You don't have to show me--
894
00:30:33,620 --> 00:30:35,060
- I've found it!
- I get it.
895
00:30:35,060 --> 00:30:36,966
- I'm the world's greatest detective!
896
00:30:36,966 --> 00:30:39,070
- Give it!
(Batman groan in pain)
897
00:30:39,070 --> 00:30:40,610
- [Bane] Yes, how does it feel to have
898
00:30:40,610 --> 00:30:43,993
something hard penetrate your body?
899
00:30:49,250 --> 00:30:50,583
No, nothing?
900
00:30:50,583 --> 00:30:52,490
- I mean, I could think
of like ten off of that.
901
00:30:52,490 --> 00:30:53,950
- I'm sorry
902
00:30:53,950 --> 00:30:57,230
All sex jokes aside, I am
losing quite a bit of blood.
903
00:30:57,230 --> 00:30:58,260
- [Bane] You're an idiot.
904
00:30:58,260 --> 00:31:00,740
- Alright, fuck this, I'm
just gonna blow up Gotham now.
905
00:31:00,740 --> 00:31:02,020
Good-bye, my love
906
00:31:02,020 --> 00:31:04,170
- Wait, are you crying right now?
907
00:31:04,170 --> 00:31:06,640
Jesus, his face is all wet,
908
00:31:06,640 --> 00:31:09,180
like mine was at the beginning--
909
00:31:09,180 --> 00:31:11,860
- And he's back.
- and yours was at the end--
910
00:31:11,860 --> 00:31:12,878
- [Bane] Press the button!
911
00:31:12,878 --> 00:31:14,387
(button beeping)
912
00:31:14,387 --> 00:31:15,220
(Talia sighs in defeat)
913
00:31:15,220 --> 00:31:16,870
- You gave Gordon a
way to block my signal.
914
00:31:16,870 --> 00:31:19,601
No matter, you've bought
yourself 11-minutes.
915
00:31:19,601 --> 00:31:20,434
(dramatic music)
916
00:31:20,434 --> 00:31:21,830
- What you should buy yourself,
917
00:31:21,830 --> 00:31:23,870
is another pair of panties.
918
00:31:23,870 --> 00:31:26,953
I totally hid these from you
when you were in the John.
919
00:31:28,139 --> 00:31:30,040
(Batman sniffs panties loudly)
920
00:31:30,040 --> 00:31:32,438
- So gross.
- That's a lot of memories.
921
00:31:32,438 --> 00:31:33,360
Huh?
922
00:31:33,360 --> 00:31:34,557
You want a little?
(Bane groans in disgust)
923
00:31:34,557 --> 00:31:36,324
Which ones of these tubes
do you smell out of?
924
00:31:36,324 --> 00:31:37,157
(Bane groaning in disgust)
925
00:31:37,157 --> 00:31:39,861
Now, you have my permission to cry.
926
00:31:39,861 --> 00:31:41,395
(electronic record scratching)
(heart beating)
927
00:31:41,395 --> 00:31:44,380
(timer beeping)
(dramatic music)
928
00:31:44,380 --> 00:31:45,213
- What are you doing?
929
00:31:45,213 --> 00:31:47,160
- The core explodes in two minutes.
930
00:31:47,160 --> 00:31:49,400
I can fly it out over the bay.
931
00:31:49,400 --> 00:31:51,482
- You could've gone anywhere
but you came back here.
932
00:31:51,482 --> 00:31:52,330
- So did you.
933
00:31:52,330 --> 00:31:53,444
- I guess we're both suckers.
934
00:31:53,444 --> 00:31:56,944
(timer continues beeping)
935
00:31:59,590 --> 00:32:01,584
- Shouldn't people know
the hero who saved them?
936
00:32:01,584 --> 00:32:03,027
- A hero can be anyone.
(Batmobile droning)
937
00:32:03,027 --> 00:32:05,260
Even a man doing something as simple as
938
00:32:05,260 --> 00:32:07,763
putting a coat on a young boy's shoulders.
939
00:32:07,763 --> 00:32:09,975
(door hisses shut)
940
00:32:09,975 --> 00:32:13,127
(Batmobile whirring)
941
00:32:13,127 --> 00:32:15,081
(door hisses open)
942
00:32:15,081 --> 00:32:17,900
I may or may not have been that boy.
943
00:32:17,900 --> 00:32:18,733
- Oh really?
(timer continues beeping)
944
00:32:18,733 --> 00:32:20,250
- The boy who, I don't know,
945
00:32:20,250 --> 00:32:22,920
maybe had just had his parents murdered?
946
00:32:22,920 --> 00:32:23,753
- Right.
(timer continues beeping)
947
00:32:23,753 --> 00:32:24,630
- Making me--
948
00:32:24,630 --> 00:32:25,800
- Oh, my god, you're Bruce Wayne!
949
00:32:25,800 --> 00:32:26,803
You know there's a bomb
that's gonna go off--
950
00:32:26,803 --> 00:32:28,943
(Batman shushing Commissioner Gordon)
951
00:32:28,943 --> 00:32:30,519
- It's not who I am underneath--
952
00:32:30,519 --> 00:32:31,930
- But what you do that defines you.
953
00:32:31,930 --> 00:32:33,714
- It's what I do,
(timer continues beeping)
954
00:32:33,714 --> 00:32:38,063
that defines me.
(door hisses shut)
955
00:32:38,063 --> 00:32:39,126
(door hisses open)
956
00:32:39,126 --> 00:32:40,820
I forgot to mention.
(timer continues beeping)
957
00:32:40,820 --> 00:32:42,050
No autopilot.
958
00:32:42,050 --> 00:32:45,420
So I'm straight up sacrificing
myself for my city.
959
00:32:45,420 --> 00:32:47,220
- Oh, that is so sad.
960
00:32:47,220 --> 00:32:48,641
Oh, look at the time.
961
00:32:48,641 --> 00:32:49,797
- We need a relic,
962
00:32:49,797 --> 00:32:52,240
for a masked vigilante.
963
00:32:52,240 --> 00:32:55,627
Whose name we don't even know.
(timer continues beeping)
964
00:32:55,627 --> 00:32:57,230
Perhaps Bruce Wayne--
965
00:32:57,230 --> 00:32:58,340
- Oh my god, he hasn't left yet?!
966
00:32:58,340 --> 00:32:59,585
- I told him!
967
00:32:59,585 --> 00:33:02,970
- Batman, aren't you forgetting
something really important?
968
00:33:02,970 --> 00:33:04,290
- Oh right!
969
00:33:04,290 --> 00:33:05,330
Selina,
970
00:33:05,330 --> 00:33:08,349
I forgot to give you the clean slate.
971
00:33:08,349 --> 00:33:09,182
- Look at that!
972
00:33:09,182 --> 00:33:10,226
You already gave me the clean slate,
973
00:33:10,226 --> 00:33:13,419
so you can go.
- The clean slate!
974
00:33:13,419 --> 00:33:16,335
The ultimate tool for a
master thief with a record.
975
00:33:16,335 --> 00:33:18,830
- I already know what it--
- The clean slate!
976
00:33:18,830 --> 00:33:21,514
It wipes your record clean!
977
00:33:21,514 --> 00:33:22,888
Clean as a clean slate--
978
00:33:22,888 --> 00:33:24,705
Shut up about the clean slate, just go!
979
00:33:24,705 --> 00:33:25,775
(timer continues beeping)
980
00:33:25,775 --> 00:33:29,525
- Clean slate!
(door hissing)
981
00:33:31,285 --> 00:33:32,740
I forgot to do my stretches.
982
00:33:32,740 --> 00:33:33,720
- Alright, you're about to die,
983
00:33:33,720 --> 00:33:35,086
so you don't really need to stretch.
984
00:33:35,086 --> 00:33:36,090
(timer continues beeping)
985
00:33:36,090 --> 00:33:36,923
- Okay.
986
00:33:36,923 --> 00:33:37,756
It's a little morbid,
987
00:33:37,756 --> 00:33:39,100
but fair point.
988
00:33:39,100 --> 00:33:42,543
I'm outie!
(door hissing)
989
00:33:42,543 --> 00:33:43,550
One more thing.
990
00:33:43,550 --> 00:33:46,626
I can't help but feel
like our kiss was rushed.
991
00:33:46,626 --> 00:33:47,459
- What?
992
00:33:47,459 --> 00:33:48,763
- For a last kiss on Earth,
993
00:33:49,620 --> 00:33:50,700
it's like a seven.
994
00:33:50,700 --> 00:33:52,070
I feel like I should get another shot.
995
00:33:52,070 --> 00:33:54,150
- If she kisses you, will you leave?
996
00:33:54,150 --> 00:33:54,983
- Totally.
997
00:33:56,050 --> 00:33:57,114
- I'm sorry, I'm sorry!
998
00:33:57,114 --> 00:33:59,626
(timer continues beeping)
999
00:33:59,626 --> 00:34:00,459
(Catwoman sighs)
1000
00:34:00,459 --> 00:34:01,557
(Batman moans sexually)
1001
00:34:01,557 --> 00:34:05,057
(timer continues beeping)
1002
00:34:06,290 --> 00:34:08,219
- Are you fucking kidding me right now?
1003
00:34:08,219 --> 00:34:09,176
- Sorry.
1004
00:34:09,177 --> 00:34:11,320
Its been awhile since a
bat's been in the cave,
1005
00:34:11,320 --> 00:34:13,313
if you know what I mean.
1006
00:34:13,313 --> 00:34:14,269
- Yeah, see, you're not even a bat,
1007
00:34:14,270 --> 00:34:15,400
you're a pig!
1008
00:34:15,400 --> 00:34:18,040
- Save the goddamn city!
- Okay!
1009
00:34:18,040 --> 00:34:20,383
I'll go drop the bomb in the bay.
1010
00:34:21,280 --> 00:34:22,340
The bay!
1011
00:34:22,340 --> 00:34:24,000
Where it won't hurt a soul.
1012
00:34:24,000 --> 00:34:25,250
- Good.
- Thank you!
1013
00:34:26,150 --> 00:34:27,150
- The bay.
- Yup.
1014
00:34:29,244 --> 00:34:31,080
- Sittin' on the dock of the bay.
1015
00:34:31,080 --> 00:34:32,282
- Please don't.
1016
00:34:32,282 --> 00:34:36,115
♪ Watchin' the tide roll away ♪
1017
00:34:37,042 --> 00:34:38,253
- Oh, my god we're gonna die.
1018
00:34:38,253 --> 00:34:43,253
(Batman whistles to "Sitting
on the Dock of the Bay")
1019
00:34:46,583 --> 00:34:47,416
- All right...
1020
00:34:47,416 --> 00:34:49,040
If you don't leave right now
I'm gonna blow your brains out!
1021
00:34:49,040 --> 00:34:51,039
- Okay!
- Please, go!
1022
00:34:51,039 --> 00:34:52,559
- Okay, sorry.
- Leave!
1023
00:34:52,559 --> 00:34:54,480
- Please! (crying)
1024
00:34:54,480 --> 00:34:56,047
- One last question.
- What?
1025
00:34:56,047 --> 00:34:58,620
- Harvey Dent.
- Oh, fuck my face.
1026
00:34:58,620 --> 00:34:59,850
- Can we trust him?
1027
00:34:59,850 --> 00:35:01,850
- No, we can't trust him,
because he's Two-Face
1028
00:35:01,850 --> 00:35:03,460
and he's dead and you
killed him and Bane...
1029
00:35:03,460 --> 00:35:05,620
Just leave!
- Fine.
1030
00:35:05,620 --> 00:35:09,210
Jesus Louisus.
(door hissing)
1031
00:35:10,160 --> 00:35:12,380
How does this thing even work?
(door hissing)
1032
00:35:12,380 --> 00:35:13,213
It's new,
1033
00:35:13,213 --> 00:35:15,003
I'm still getting the hang of it.
1034
00:35:16,058 --> 00:35:16,993
(door hissing)
Oop, got, there it is.
1035
00:35:16,993 --> 00:35:19,337
There's a button marked "down."
1036
00:35:20,320 --> 00:35:22,220
Oh, one more thing.
1037
00:35:22,220 --> 00:35:27,220
Tell Alfred, to suck it.
(door hisses shut)
1038
00:35:27,299 --> 00:35:30,382
(Batmobile whirring)
1039
00:35:33,079 --> 00:35:35,599
(Batman whistles to "Sitting
on the Dock of the Bay")
1040
00:35:35,599 --> 00:35:38,266
(bomb explodes)
1041
00:35:39,380 --> 00:35:40,880
- We're saved.
1042
00:35:40,880 --> 00:35:42,330
- And he got rid of the bomb!
1043
00:35:45,465 --> 00:35:46,298
- Oh!
1044
00:35:47,170 --> 00:35:49,300
What a hero!
1045
00:35:49,300 --> 00:35:50,133
Huh?
1046
00:35:50,980 --> 00:35:54,700
Hey, what're you doing for
the next couple of months?
1047
00:35:54,700 --> 00:35:57,760
You wanna go to the same cafe
in Italy with me everyday?
1048
00:35:57,760 --> 00:35:59,403
And wait for my butler?
1049
00:36:00,330 --> 00:36:01,384
- Fuck this.
1050
00:36:01,384 --> 00:36:03,261
(electronic record scratching)
(heart beating)
1051
00:36:03,261 --> 00:36:06,011
(dramatic music)
1052
00:36:07,920 --> 00:36:09,350
- I know you're here.
1053
00:36:09,350 --> 00:36:10,200
You can come out.
1054
00:36:14,170 --> 00:36:15,723
- What do you want, Clark?
1055
00:36:17,300 --> 00:36:18,500
- It's like this, Bruce.
1056
00:36:19,460 --> 00:36:22,603
Sooner or later, somebody's
gonna ask me to bring you in.
1057
00:36:23,590 --> 00:36:25,107
Someone with authority.
1058
00:36:25,970 --> 00:36:28,530
When that happens--
- When that happens, Clark...
1059
00:36:29,461 --> 00:36:30,867
May the best man win.
1060
00:36:33,880 --> 00:36:34,713
- Bruce...
1061
00:36:36,520 --> 00:36:38,903
I think it's time we put
our differences aside,
1062
00:36:39,810 --> 00:36:40,810
and worked together.
1063
00:36:43,365 --> 00:36:45,361
- What?
1064
00:36:45,361 --> 00:36:46,504
- What?
1065
00:36:46,504 --> 00:36:47,421
- I mean...
1066
00:36:48,290 --> 00:36:49,750
Why?
1067
00:36:49,750 --> 00:36:51,660
- You're Batman.
- Yeah.
1068
00:36:51,660 --> 00:36:54,500
And I have no special powers.
1069
00:36:54,500 --> 00:36:56,683
I'm basically just rich,
1070
00:36:57,520 --> 00:36:59,000
and nuts.
1071
00:36:59,000 --> 00:37:00,110
Rich and nuts.
1072
00:37:00,110 --> 00:37:01,270
- Bruce.
1073
00:37:01,270 --> 00:37:04,450
Your scientific mind alone--
- Is completely useless
1074
00:37:04,450 --> 00:37:08,670
when we have a man that bullets
literally bounce off of.
1075
00:37:08,670 --> 00:37:12,210
- Your fighting skills--
- My main nemesis is Bane.
1076
00:37:12,210 --> 00:37:15,460
Basically just a roided-out
jock with a gas mask.
1077
00:37:15,460 --> 00:37:18,220
And he straight up broke my back.
1078
00:37:18,220 --> 00:37:20,090
You could've taken him down with one hand!
1079
00:37:20,090 --> 00:37:21,410
And with the other hand,
1080
00:37:21,410 --> 00:37:22,970
you could've just jerked it.
1081
00:37:22,970 --> 00:37:24,670
Da-da-da-da-da!
1082
00:37:24,670 --> 00:37:27,240
Super jerk!
- It's just...
1083
00:37:27,240 --> 00:37:29,650
I don't... (sighs heavily)
1084
00:37:29,650 --> 00:37:32,033
You're cool.
- Oh (laughs) okay.
1085
00:37:32,990 --> 00:37:34,360
I get it.
1086
00:37:34,360 --> 00:37:35,720
You're having an image problem.
1087
00:37:35,720 --> 00:37:37,090
- Don't be ridiculous!
1088
00:37:37,090 --> 00:37:40,200
I'm Superman.
- Yeah, exactly!
1089
00:37:40,200 --> 00:37:41,410
It's fucking white bread!
1090
00:37:41,410 --> 00:37:42,820
You're boring!
1091
00:37:42,820 --> 00:37:44,970
Look at you and your stupid outfit.
1092
00:37:44,970 --> 00:37:46,430
- My father gave me this outfit.
1093
00:37:46,430 --> 00:37:48,580
- And your dad's dead!
1094
00:37:48,580 --> 00:37:50,700
Get over your dead parents already.
1095
00:37:50,700 --> 00:37:52,165
- Didn't your parents die?
1096
00:37:52,165 --> 00:37:55,539
(Batman cries)
1097
00:37:55,539 --> 00:37:57,206
- Don't bring it up!
1098
00:37:58,368 --> 00:37:59,368
I was a boy!
1099
00:38:02,325 --> 00:38:03,492
Now I'm a bat!
1100
00:38:04,407 --> 00:38:05,365
- I'm sorry!
1101
00:38:05,365 --> 00:38:07,170
- My suit is cool!
1102
00:38:07,170 --> 00:38:10,380
'Cause I made it myself, Daddy's boy!
1103
00:38:10,380 --> 00:38:13,040
You got a stupid "S" on your chest,
1104
00:38:13,040 --> 00:38:14,500
in case we could forget who you are.
1105
00:38:14,500 --> 00:38:16,320
- It's my people's symbol for hope.
1106
00:38:16,320 --> 00:38:18,600
- Hope starts with an "H", stupid.
1107
00:38:18,600 --> 00:38:19,433
- Okay...
1108
00:38:19,433 --> 00:38:21,790
It, okay, stop.
- Face it, you're lame.
1109
00:38:21,790 --> 00:38:24,240
- You're wearing eye makeup!
- Fuck you!
1110
00:38:24,240 --> 00:38:26,190
I didn't just inherit my abilities
1111
00:38:26,190 --> 00:38:28,677
from a different fucking atmosphere.
1112
00:38:28,677 --> 00:38:30,920
"This air makes me strong!"
1113
00:38:30,920 --> 00:38:33,140
You fucking nerd!
1114
00:38:33,140 --> 00:38:35,020
With your nerd hair.
1115
00:38:35,020 --> 00:38:36,350
- Batman, Superman!
1116
00:38:36,350 --> 00:38:37,960
I saw the Bat Signal, what's going on?
1117
00:38:37,960 --> 00:38:38,890
- Commissioner Gordon,
1118
00:38:38,890 --> 00:38:41,180
Batman and I were
discussing a partnership.
1119
00:38:41,180 --> 00:38:43,520
- Wait, but why?
- That's what I said!
1120
00:38:43,520 --> 00:38:45,860
- Yeah, that seems completely unnecessary.
1121
00:38:45,860 --> 00:38:46,693
- Right?
1122
00:38:46,693 --> 00:38:48,770
- I've been dealing with you
lunatics for about a decade
1123
00:38:48,770 --> 00:38:49,770
and this is...
1124
00:38:49,770 --> 00:38:50,603
I can't believe it...
1125
00:38:50,603 --> 00:38:52,390
I'm gonna say this...
1126
00:38:52,390 --> 00:38:53,970
I'm in total agreement with Batman.
1127
00:38:53,970 --> 00:38:54,803
- Feels good.
1128
00:38:54,803 --> 00:38:56,340
- Why are you guys being this way?
1129
00:38:56,340 --> 00:38:58,060
- Somebody's gotta tell you, man.
1130
00:38:58,060 --> 00:38:59,400
You're boring.
- Pretty lame.
1131
00:38:59,400 --> 00:39:01,030
- Even your alter ego, I mean...
1132
00:39:01,030 --> 00:39:03,860
I picked, like 1970's Hugh Hefner.
1133
00:39:03,860 --> 00:39:05,190
You picked, like, a...
1134
00:39:05,190 --> 00:39:06,490
One of the "Newsies".
1135
00:39:06,490 --> 00:39:07,590
- Yeah, what is up with that?
1136
00:39:07,590 --> 00:39:10,500
- I didn't base my alter ego
off of the musical, "Newsies".
1137
00:39:10,500 --> 00:39:13,227
- Which "Newsie" did you
base Clark Kent off of?
1138
00:39:14,665 --> 00:39:15,520
Was it Crutchy?
- I'm not Crutchy!
1139
00:39:15,520 --> 00:39:18,543
- I'm getting a strong
feeling that it was Crutchy.
1140
00:39:18,543 --> 00:39:19,480
- I'm not Crutchy!
1141
00:39:19,480 --> 00:39:21,300
And I prefer if we didn't discuss
1142
00:39:21,300 --> 00:39:23,210
my alter ego around the Commissioner.
1143
00:39:23,210 --> 00:39:25,300
- Take it easy Crutchy, I
know that you're Clark Kent.
1144
00:39:25,300 --> 00:39:27,410
- What?
- Um, newsflash,
1145
00:39:27,410 --> 00:39:29,170
it takes a little more then wearing a hat
1146
00:39:29,170 --> 00:39:31,030
and/or glasses to fool people.
1147
00:39:31,030 --> 00:39:32,740
- Really?
- Check this out, watch.
1148
00:39:32,740 --> 00:39:34,227
Uh oh, I'm someone else!
1149
00:39:34,227 --> 00:39:35,370
Are you fooled?
1150
00:39:35,370 --> 00:39:37,210
I'm not Commissioner Gordon, he's gone--
1151
00:39:37,210 --> 00:39:38,860
- Who are you?!?
1152
00:39:38,860 --> 00:39:41,070
Where is Commissioner Gordon?
1153
00:39:42,141 --> 00:39:43,400
Oh!
1154
00:39:43,400 --> 00:39:44,670
You're back.
- All right.
1155
00:39:44,670 --> 00:39:45,938
- Commissioner, there was someone else.
1156
00:39:45,938 --> 00:39:47,790
(Commissioner Gordon shushes Batman)
1157
00:39:47,790 --> 00:39:49,510
Superman, you saw him!
1158
00:39:49,510 --> 00:39:51,300
There was another man!
- Okay, okay, okay--
1159
00:39:51,300 --> 00:39:53,660
- He's hiding in the shadows!
- The man's gone.
1160
00:39:53,660 --> 00:39:54,710
- You know what?
1161
00:39:54,710 --> 00:39:55,543
Screw you guys.
1162
00:39:55,543 --> 00:39:56,540
Just...
1163
00:39:56,540 --> 00:39:57,373
Just forget it.
1164
00:39:57,373 --> 00:39:58,720
- You know all this
lameness might be one of
1165
00:39:58,720 --> 00:40:00,397
the reasons why you've never been able to
1166
00:40:00,397 --> 00:40:02,905
"seal the deal" with Lois Lane.
1167
00:40:02,905 --> 00:40:03,738
- Oof.
1168
00:40:03,738 --> 00:40:05,770
- Leave her out of this.
1169
00:40:05,770 --> 00:40:08,260
- She's always just throwing that brassy,
1170
00:40:08,260 --> 00:40:11,137
sassy news reporter poon in your face.
1171
00:40:11,137 --> 00:40:16,137
Like, "Hey, this just
in, put this just in me!"
1172
00:40:16,930 --> 00:40:17,763
- Stop.
1173
00:40:17,763 --> 00:40:19,130
- What's the point of
being the Man of Steel,
1174
00:40:19,130 --> 00:40:21,130
if you don't know how
to use all that metal?
1175
00:40:21,130 --> 00:40:22,372
Hit it!
(hands clap)
1176
00:40:22,372 --> 00:40:24,034
- Enough!
1177
00:40:24,034 --> 00:40:26,260
(eyes buzzing)
1178
00:40:26,260 --> 00:40:27,906
- You're adorable.
- Yeah.
1179
00:40:27,906 --> 00:40:29,013
What are you gonna do, sweetie?
1180
00:40:29,013 --> 00:40:31,130
Burn us with your magic eyes?
1181
00:40:31,130 --> 00:40:32,360
That'd be a first.
1182
00:40:32,360 --> 00:40:33,810
You always use it for something lame,
1183
00:40:33,810 --> 00:40:35,950
like cutting through an iceberg,
1184
00:40:35,950 --> 00:40:38,907
or heating up an old woman's porridge.
1185
00:40:38,907 --> 00:40:43,448
"Is that soup too cold,
madame?" (imitates buzzing)
1186
00:40:43,448 --> 00:40:45,810
I'd use that stuff to
take off Bane's arms.
1187
00:40:45,810 --> 00:40:46,800
- Stop it!
1188
00:40:46,800 --> 00:40:48,380
I came here to team up!
1189
00:40:48,380 --> 00:40:50,930
Not to be berated!
- Hey Clark...
1190
00:40:50,930 --> 00:40:52,650
Guess what I'm doing under the cape?
1191
00:40:52,650 --> 00:40:54,480
Use your x-ray vision.
1192
00:40:54,480 --> 00:40:56,150
I'll save you the trouble.
1193
00:40:56,150 --> 00:40:57,720
I'm giving you the bird!
1194
00:40:57,720 --> 00:40:59,640
What's this mean on Krypton?
1195
00:40:59,640 --> 00:41:00,977
Gratitude?
1196
00:41:00,977 --> 00:41:02,270
- Ouch!
1197
00:41:02,270 --> 00:41:03,283
- Good-bye!
1198
00:41:04,925 --> 00:41:08,570
(Superman whooshes thunderously away)
1199
00:41:08,570 --> 00:41:11,227
- What a dick.
- Yeah.
1200
00:41:11,227 --> 00:41:14,847
"The letter S is also the
symbol for hope on my planet."
1201
00:41:15,800 --> 00:41:17,620
I'm glad they're dead.
- Wow.
1202
00:41:17,620 --> 00:41:19,659
- Where is the Commissioner?!?
1203
00:41:19,659 --> 00:41:20,492
Who...
1204
00:41:20,492 --> 00:41:23,150
Oh, you're back.
- And I hate you again.
1205
00:41:23,150 --> 00:41:23,983
- Yeah.
1206
00:41:25,460 --> 00:41:27,202
I am confused easily.
1207
00:41:27,202 --> 00:41:29,230
(electronic record scratching)
(heart beating)
1208
00:41:29,230 --> 00:41:31,050
- We're excited to have
you as an intern, Jim,
1209
00:41:31,050 --> 00:41:33,719
I'm sorry things didn't
work out at the Gotham P.D.
1210
00:41:33,719 --> 00:41:34,552
- Yeah.
- What did you say
1211
00:41:34,552 --> 00:41:36,060
you were doing for them again?
- Commissioner.
1212
00:41:36,060 --> 00:41:38,660
- Anyway, we're gonna set
you up with an intern,
1213
00:41:38,660 --> 00:41:40,630
to sort of show you the lay of the land.
1214
00:41:40,630 --> 00:41:43,320
This guy, we've been working
with for a couple of months.
1215
00:41:43,320 --> 00:41:44,732
Oh, there he is!
1216
00:41:44,732 --> 00:41:46,572
- Commissioner!
1217
00:41:46,572 --> 00:41:47,460
Ah!
1218
00:41:47,460 --> 00:41:49,860
Looks like we're working together again!
1219
00:41:49,860 --> 00:41:52,300
- Yeah.
- We're not fighting crime,
1220
00:41:52,300 --> 00:41:55,980
fighting office inefficiencies!
1221
00:41:55,980 --> 00:42:00,230
So Intern Gordon, this is the photocopier.
1222
00:42:00,230 --> 00:42:04,500
Not a big deal to me, it works
just like my super computer.
1223
00:42:04,500 --> 00:42:05,662
Watch.
1224
00:42:05,662 --> 00:42:07,374
Photocopier!
1225
00:42:07,374 --> 00:42:08,803
Initialize!
1226
00:42:11,922 --> 00:42:12,913
- I think you just
press the green button--
1227
00:42:12,913 --> 00:42:14,900
- Wait for it.
- Okay.
1228
00:42:14,900 --> 00:42:16,590
- If you're gonna answer the phone,
1229
00:42:16,590 --> 00:42:20,030
you gotta pick a voice that
the customer's gonna like.
1230
00:42:20,030 --> 00:42:22,010
Hello, College Humor...
1231
00:42:22,010 --> 00:42:23,930
It's too scary, I sound like a bat.
1232
00:42:23,930 --> 00:42:25,228
- Okay.
- So I like to do something
1233
00:42:25,228 --> 00:42:26,421
like... (phone button clicks)
1234
00:42:26,421 --> 00:42:29,933
Hello, yeah, I live in Queens!
1235
00:42:30,999 --> 00:42:33,980
- Yeah, hey, hello!
- Debra!
1236
00:42:33,980 --> 00:42:34,840
- Mom!
1237
00:42:34,840 --> 00:42:37,340
Leave us alone!
- I got two boys!
1238
00:42:37,340 --> 00:42:40,020
They're twins!
- You're invader of privacy!
1239
00:42:40,020 --> 00:42:42,413
- I don't have boundaries with my parents!
1240
00:42:42,413 --> 00:42:43,890
This is the kitchen.
1241
00:42:43,890 --> 00:42:48,070
I like to start my day with a
bowl of fruited-loop cereal,
1242
00:42:48,070 --> 00:42:49,427
called, "Froot Loops".
1243
00:42:50,750 --> 00:42:53,100
- Oh, that guy just took 'em all.
1244
00:42:53,100 --> 00:42:56,040
- I'll get him with the skills
I learned in the mountains.
1245
00:42:56,040 --> 00:42:58,350
Excuse me, what is the HG...
1246
00:42:58,350 --> 00:42:59,430
Get outta here!
1247
00:43:00,997 --> 00:43:02,110
(cereal crunching)
1248
00:43:02,110 --> 00:43:03,430
- You learned that in the mountains?
1249
00:43:03,430 --> 00:43:07,193
- Yeah that and how to trip
balls on a blue flower.
1250
00:43:08,040 --> 00:43:11,700
It's scary at first, but then
it gets really trippy and fun.
1251
00:43:11,700 --> 00:43:14,710
- Like Coachella?
- It's a lot like Coachella!
1252
00:43:14,710 --> 00:43:16,739
Who made your sandwich for you?
1253
00:43:16,739 --> 00:43:17,572
(sandwich baggies rustling)
1254
00:43:17,572 --> 00:43:18,940
- To tell you, my wife.
1255
00:43:18,940 --> 00:43:20,200
- Oh yeah.
1256
00:43:20,200 --> 00:43:22,870
- Why, who made your sandwich?
- Alfred!
1257
00:43:22,870 --> 00:43:24,120
What?
1258
00:43:24,120 --> 00:43:25,800
No, no, no, no...
1259
00:43:25,800 --> 00:43:27,250
My butler, whuh...
1260
00:43:28,718 --> 00:43:29,610
(College Humor employees
laughing distantly)
1261
00:43:29,610 --> 00:43:34,020
The Wayne family butler,
Alfred Pennyworth!
1262
00:43:34,020 --> 00:43:35,290
Wait!
1263
00:43:35,290 --> 00:43:36,757
No!
1264
00:43:36,757 --> 00:43:37,681
Alf...
1265
00:43:37,681 --> 00:43:38,543
Alf!
1266
00:43:38,543 --> 00:43:40,510
- Alf?
- Alf!
1267
00:43:40,510 --> 00:43:43,500
- '80s T.V. icon, "Alf"
made your sandwich?
1268
00:43:43,500 --> 00:43:44,820
- Yeah!
1269
00:43:44,820 --> 00:43:47,687
Remember that show from the '80s?
1270
00:43:47,687 --> 00:43:49,997
"Hey Alf, make me a sandwich!
1271
00:43:49,997 --> 00:43:51,930
"No problem!"
1272
00:43:51,930 --> 00:43:54,033
Made me a sandwich.
1273
00:43:54,033 --> 00:43:55,173
It's probably cat.
1274
00:43:56,070 --> 00:43:57,073
Photocopier.
1275
00:43:58,323 --> 00:43:59,777
Photocopy!
1276
00:43:59,777 --> 00:44:01,500
- No, I think you just
hit the green button.
1277
00:44:01,500 --> 00:44:02,430
- Okay.
- Yeah.
1278
00:44:02,430 --> 00:44:05,176
- Photocopier, hit the green button!
1279
00:44:05,176 --> 00:44:07,530
- (groans) Oh God--
- With science!
1280
00:44:07,530 --> 00:44:08,747
- Woo-hoo-hoo!
1281
00:44:08,747 --> 00:44:10,280
I'm Garbage the Clown,
1282
00:44:10,280 --> 00:44:12,870
if played by Jeff Bridges, man!
1283
00:44:12,870 --> 00:44:14,021
(punch thuds)
(Garbage wails)
1284
00:44:14,021 --> 00:44:15,709
- It's The Joker!
- Oh God!
1285
00:44:15,709 --> 00:44:17,941
(Batman yelling)
Oh God, please stop!
1286
00:44:17,941 --> 00:44:18,869
- Where are they?!?
1287
00:44:18,869 --> 00:44:19,961
- I'm not The Joker!
1288
00:44:19,961 --> 00:44:21,250
I'm not The Joker!
- Where are they?!?
1289
00:44:21,250 --> 00:44:22,740
- I'm a copywriter!
- Batman, stop, stop, stop!
1290
00:44:22,740 --> 00:44:23,573
It's not The Joker!
1291
00:44:23,573 --> 00:44:24,470
He's not The Joker!
- Look!
1292
00:44:24,470 --> 00:44:26,090
I'm just a copywriter, please!
1293
00:44:26,090 --> 00:44:27,280
- They're just doing a clown sketch,
1294
00:44:27,280 --> 00:44:29,240
it's not The Joker!
- Well...
1295
00:44:29,240 --> 00:44:30,110
I work here, too,
1296
00:44:30,110 --> 00:44:32,034
what do you write?
1297
00:44:32,034 --> 00:44:34,790
- I don't know, just, jokes--
- He's The Joker!
1298
00:44:34,790 --> 00:44:35,623
(Josh groans in pain)
He's The Joker!
1299
00:44:35,623 --> 00:44:38,150
- No, stop, stop!
- He's The Joker!
1300
00:44:38,150 --> 00:44:40,580
- All right guys, that's
probably enough for today,
1301
00:44:40,580 --> 00:44:41,832
thanks so much.
- You're welcome.
1302
00:44:41,832 --> 00:44:43,540
- Thanks, chief.
1303
00:44:43,540 --> 00:44:47,840
Well, I guess I'll just leave normally.
1304
00:44:47,840 --> 00:44:48,673
One question though...
1305
00:44:48,673 --> 00:44:49,506
Harvey Dent...
1306
00:44:51,290 --> 00:44:52,747
Can we trust him?
1307
00:44:52,747 --> 00:44:55,582
(dramatic music swells)
1308
00:44:55,582 --> 00:44:56,889
(Sam laughs)
1309
00:44:56,889 --> 00:44:58,320
- I love this!
1310
00:44:58,320 --> 00:45:00,389
I love this bit, get into it!
1311
00:45:00,389 --> 00:45:01,970
- We're not your shields!
1312
00:45:01,970 --> 00:45:05,370
We're not your monkeys
doing whatever you say
1313
00:45:05,370 --> 00:45:09,900
for your silly little online T.V. channel.
1314
00:45:09,900 --> 00:45:10,733
- What is that?
1315
00:45:10,733 --> 00:45:13,450
- You wanna do some
half-baked, low-production,
1316
00:45:13,450 --> 00:45:15,520
value version of our thing,
1317
00:45:15,520 --> 00:45:17,650
where we just say catchphrases,
1318
00:45:17,650 --> 00:45:22,420
how's this for a catchphrase?
(blows raspberries)
1319
00:45:22,420 --> 00:45:25,030
You look like the kid
from "A Christmas Story",
1320
00:45:25,030 --> 00:45:27,170
grew up to be a hobbit!
1321
00:45:27,170 --> 00:45:28,620
Fuck your shelf!
1322
00:45:28,620 --> 00:45:30,650
Right in your shire-hole!
1323
00:45:30,650 --> 00:45:34,040
- Guys, I did not mean to offend at all.
1324
00:45:34,040 --> 00:45:37,720
I apologize, if I offended
you or anyone else,
1325
00:45:37,720 --> 00:45:39,570
I'm so sorry...
1326
00:45:41,120 --> 00:45:41,953
Guys?
1327
00:45:41,953 --> 00:45:43,820
- Apology accepted!
- Holy shit!
1328
00:45:43,820 --> 00:45:45,600
- You look like the T.A.,
1329
00:45:45,600 --> 00:45:48,364
at a female sexuality class at Vassar!
1330
00:45:48,364 --> 00:45:50,264
(electronic record scratching)
(heart beating)
1331
00:45:50,264 --> 00:45:52,070
(clapperboards slapping)
1332
00:45:52,070 --> 00:45:54,996
- Marker.
(crew murmuring)
1333
00:45:54,996 --> 00:45:56,690
(Rachel groans)
(music stab)
1334
00:45:56,690 --> 00:45:57,730
- He wears makeup,
1335
00:45:57,730 --> 00:45:59,910
he has an Afro.
- See I realize immediately.
1336
00:45:59,910 --> 00:46:02,761
- The Joker wears-- (everyone laughs)
1337
00:46:02,761 --> 00:46:05,841
(Wiggles groans)
1338
00:46:05,841 --> 00:46:06,970
Where... (laughs)
1339
00:46:06,970 --> 00:46:08,372
Sorry, what's the line?
1340
00:46:08,372 --> 00:46:09,800
(director murmurs)
- He broke, you have one rule.
1341
00:46:09,800 --> 00:46:11,150
- I have one rule!
(reel beeps)
1342
00:46:11,150 --> 00:46:12,715
I think I broke my hand.
1343
00:46:12,715 --> 00:46:14,898
(crew reacts and laughs)
(reel beeps)
1344
00:46:14,898 --> 00:46:16,280
And all of Gotham's...
1345
00:46:16,280 --> 00:46:18,215
Sid, I'm so sorry.
(director cuts)
1346
00:46:18,215 --> 00:46:19,630
(everyone laughing)
(reel beeps)
1347
00:46:19,630 --> 00:46:21,210
Just last week I saw a
guy waiting for the bus,
1348
00:46:21,210 --> 00:46:22,460
I thought it was the Scarecrow,
1349
00:46:22,460 --> 00:46:23,910
I'm pretty sure I killed him.
1350
00:46:24,780 --> 00:46:27,012
I mean, I straight up murdered him.
1351
00:46:27,012 --> 00:46:27,865
(everyone laughs)
1352
00:46:27,865 --> 00:46:29,330
(music stab)
1353
00:46:29,330 --> 00:46:30,163
- Oh my God!
1354
00:46:30,163 --> 00:46:31,200
I told you a riddle,
1355
00:46:31,200 --> 00:46:32,300
you were supposed to say "bullet"
1356
00:46:32,300 --> 00:46:34,171
and then I was gonna shoot you, like this!
1357
00:46:34,171 --> 00:46:35,423
(gun clicks)
1358
00:46:35,423 --> 00:46:36,379
(bullets clinking delicately)
1359
00:46:36,379 --> 00:46:41,379
(everyone laughing)
(reel beeps)
1360
00:46:45,135 --> 00:46:45,968
- [Director] Great.
1361
00:46:45,968 --> 00:46:47,895
(Batman wheezing comically)
(Rachel joking)
1362
00:46:47,895 --> 00:46:49,300
(both laughing)
1363
00:46:49,300 --> 00:46:50,272
- Don't do it Riddler!
(reel beeps)
1364
00:46:50,272 --> 00:46:51,105
Put the gun down!
(reel beeps)
1365
00:46:51,105 --> 00:46:52,900
I don't have any time
for riddles! (reel beeps)
1366
00:46:52,900 --> 00:46:54,352
Fuck you!
- Cut there.
1367
00:46:54,352 --> 00:46:55,185
(both laughing)
(reel beeps)
1368
00:46:55,185 --> 00:46:56,580
- We're not dating.
1369
00:46:56,580 --> 00:46:58,700
She's dating Bruce Wayne.
1370
00:46:58,700 --> 00:47:02,233
Who by the way, is like, super cool.
1371
00:47:03,620 --> 00:47:05,071
- All right, ready?
(Batman laughs)
1372
00:47:05,071 --> 00:47:06,410
(music stab)
1373
00:47:06,410 --> 00:47:09,127
- Oh yeah, where were the
other drugs goin', huh?
1374
00:47:09,127 --> 00:47:11,660
(reel beeps)
(laughing)
1375
00:47:11,660 --> 00:47:13,274
It was Pacino, like, "Aw, yeah".
1376
00:47:13,274 --> 00:47:14,107
(reel beeps)
1377
00:47:14,107 --> 00:47:15,757
Where were the other drugs going?
1378
00:47:16,618 --> 00:47:17,451
(reel beeps)
1379
00:47:17,451 --> 00:47:18,560
Yeah, it's the Ray Romano.
(reel beeps)
1380
00:47:18,560 --> 00:47:20,410
Do I look like a cop?
(reel beeps)
1381
00:47:20,410 --> 00:47:22,838
Live in Queens!
(reel beeps)
1382
00:47:22,838 --> 00:47:24,610
Hey, hey, how ya doin'?
(reel beeps)
1383
00:47:24,610 --> 00:47:25,980
It's Mark Wahlberg, yeah.
1384
00:47:25,980 --> 00:47:27,130
I'm the fighter.
1385
00:47:27,130 --> 00:47:29,080
I was in "I Heart Huckabees".
1386
00:47:29,080 --> 00:47:30,050
You like that movie?
1387
00:47:30,050 --> 00:47:31,162
What was that movie about?
(reel beeps)
1388
00:47:31,162 --> 00:47:34,300
Where were the other drugs going?
1389
00:47:34,300 --> 00:47:37,503
With the zippilee-dippliest
of them and you snort 'em
1390
00:47:37,503 --> 00:47:39,891
and you get real high?
(reel beeps)
1391
00:47:39,891 --> 00:47:43,180
(director directing)
- Really?
1392
00:47:43,180 --> 00:47:44,807
Where the--?
(director directing)
1393
00:47:44,807 --> 00:47:46,222
So you just gonna...
1394
00:47:46,222 --> 00:47:48,701
Are you just gonna keep
pulling me up and down?
1395
00:47:48,701 --> 00:47:49,534
(reel beeps)
1396
00:47:49,534 --> 00:47:51,290
Where were the other drugs going?
1397
00:47:51,290 --> 00:47:52,390
Where were they going?
1398
00:47:54,100 --> 00:47:55,160
I wanna fuck you.
1399
00:47:55,160 --> 00:47:57,208
Where were the other drugs going?!?
1400
00:47:57,208 --> 00:47:58,360
(music stab)
1401
00:47:58,360 --> 00:48:00,830
- Oh my gosh, you won't believe this!
1402
00:48:00,830 --> 00:48:02,207
- What, Bruce Wayne is Batman? (laughs)
1403
00:48:02,207 --> 00:48:03,040
(reel beeps)
1404
00:48:03,040 --> 00:48:06,203
- I tell you what, Bats,
it's a real dark night, huh?
1405
00:48:07,666 --> 00:48:09,190
(chuckles) You're driving me batty!
1406
00:48:09,190 --> 00:48:11,200
(chuckles) Who's The Joker, now?
1407
00:48:11,200 --> 00:48:14,112
Joker, where?
(reel beeps)
1408
00:48:14,112 --> 00:48:16,085
(everyone laughing)
1409
00:48:16,085 --> 00:48:17,848
(reel beeps)
Exorcist!
1410
00:48:17,848 --> 00:48:18,681
Exorcist!
1411
00:48:19,684 --> 00:48:20,517
Ex...
1412
00:48:20,517 --> 00:48:22,080
It's Owl Man!
(reel beeps)
1413
00:48:22,080 --> 00:48:24,370
Oh, it's the Batman!
1414
00:48:24,370 --> 00:48:25,653
Speak of him.
1415
00:48:26,840 --> 00:48:28,550
He's behind you.
1416
00:48:28,550 --> 00:48:32,490
That'll prove that it's
not me, Bruce Wayne.
1417
00:48:32,490 --> 00:48:34,050
I'm gonna go over here
1418
00:48:34,050 --> 00:48:35,623
and eat a Fabergé egg.
1419
00:48:36,534 --> 00:48:38,188
(everyone laughs)
1420
00:48:38,188 --> 00:48:39,940
(music stab)
1421
00:48:39,940 --> 00:48:42,540
Harvey, use that gun
you're holding on Two-Face,
1422
00:48:42,540 --> 00:48:44,633
next time he shows his faces!
1423
00:48:45,910 --> 00:48:47,093
(director murmurs)
1424
00:48:47,093 --> 00:48:48,760
(everyone laughs)
1425
00:48:48,760 --> 00:48:50,680
Such a fucking idiot!
(reel beeps)
1426
00:48:50,680 --> 00:48:54,164
Scary face! (laughs)
1427
00:48:54,164 --> 00:48:55,470
- Remember that?
- I think I have
1428
00:48:55,470 --> 00:48:58,327
a Ricola on this. (laughs)
1429
00:48:58,327 --> 00:48:59,700
(music stab)
1430
00:48:59,700 --> 00:49:02,480
- Your primal fear is Girl Scouts?
1431
00:49:02,480 --> 00:49:04,050
- No, stop saying it!
1432
00:49:04,050 --> 00:49:07,683
You'll make them come! (laughing)
1433
00:49:08,939 --> 00:49:09,772
(reel beeps)
1434
00:49:09,772 --> 00:49:13,300
Why are we training
children to love bears?
1435
00:49:13,300 --> 00:49:16,080
They are our natural foe!
1436
00:49:16,080 --> 00:49:16,913
Wait. (laughs)
(reel beeps)
1437
00:49:16,913 --> 00:49:18,130
I don't wanna nap!
1438
00:49:18,130 --> 00:49:19,470
Yielded...
1439
00:49:19,470 --> 00:49:21,062
Fuck! (everyone laughs)
1440
00:49:21,062 --> 00:49:22,420
(music stab)
1441
00:49:22,420 --> 00:49:24,683
I wanna feel it, animal style!
1442
00:49:26,542 --> 00:49:29,460
(horribly singing "The Circle of Life")
1443
00:49:29,460 --> 00:49:30,400
(laughs)
(reel beeps)
1444
00:49:30,400 --> 00:49:34,780
Our second date, we'll sit
in a hammock in The Bahamas.
1445
00:49:34,780 --> 00:49:36,368
(blows raspberry)
1446
00:49:36,368 --> 00:49:38,046
I'm so sorry! (everyone laughing)
1447
00:49:38,046 --> 00:49:39,110
(reel beeps)
1448
00:49:39,110 --> 00:49:44,110
Sometimes, the sexiest thing
a woman can do is forgive.
1449
00:49:45,258 --> 00:49:47,610
(crew laughs)
(reel beeps)
1450
00:49:47,610 --> 00:49:52,610
Rubber sheets, rubber suit,
Squeegee aisle 69. (laughs)
1451
00:49:56,180 --> 00:49:59,601
That's a big supermarket!
(everyone laughs)
1452
00:49:59,601 --> 00:50:01,000
(music stab)
1453
00:50:01,000 --> 00:50:03,920
The clean slate! (laughs)
(reel beeps)
1454
00:50:03,920 --> 00:50:07,180
Computer, fix the auto-pilot.
1455
00:50:07,180 --> 00:50:08,013
Error, error.
1456
00:50:10,460 --> 00:50:12,170
No auto-pilot. (laughs)
(reel beeps)
1457
00:50:12,170 --> 00:50:14,020
Why am I even doing the
voice, you know it's me.
1458
00:50:14,020 --> 00:50:14,853
(reel beeps)
1459
00:50:14,853 --> 00:50:16,549
Good-bye, Gordon!
- Bye! (laughing)
1460
00:50:16,549 --> 00:50:17,382
- Good-bye!
(reel beeps)
1461
00:50:17,382 --> 00:50:19,270
Tell Alfred to suck it!
(reel beeps)
1462
00:50:19,270 --> 00:50:21,203
- I guess we're both suckers.
1463
00:50:21,203 --> 00:50:24,036
(suits squeaking)
1464
00:50:24,901 --> 00:50:26,228
(Batman giggles)
1465
00:50:26,228 --> 00:50:27,700
(music stab)
1466
00:50:27,700 --> 00:50:29,000
- Arrest The Penguin
1467
00:50:29,000 --> 00:50:32,930
and let Stabby McBreastplate run around.
1468
00:50:32,930 --> 00:50:34,570
Good, all right, great.
1469
00:50:34,570 --> 00:50:36,080
Gotham City, folks.
(reel beeps)
1470
00:50:36,080 --> 00:50:38,080
Oh, he's Bruce Wayne!
- No!
1471
00:50:38,080 --> 00:50:39,240
- Oh, what is your name?
1472
00:50:39,240 --> 00:50:42,483
- My name is Hampton Hangingpork.
1473
00:50:44,220 --> 00:50:45,660
- Hampton...
1474
00:50:45,660 --> 00:50:47,704
Did you say that because there's
a pig hanging next to me?
1475
00:50:47,704 --> 00:50:48,537
(reel beeps)
1476
00:50:48,537 --> 00:50:52,976
- My name is Hampton
Hugevag. (everyone laughing)
1477
00:50:52,976 --> 00:50:54,532
(electronic record scratching)
(heart beating)
94187
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