All language subtitles for The.Adventures.of.Ozzie.and.Harriet.S12E02.Secret.Agent.1080p.WEB-DL.AMZN.H.264.DDP.2.0_track3_[eng]

[theme music]

- "The Adventures of Ozzie
and Harriet," starring

the entire Nelson family.

Here's Ozzie.

Here's Harriet.

Here's David.

Here's Rick.

And also starring in tonight's
episode, here's June.

Tonight's "Adventures
of Ozzie and Harriet"

is brought to you by the dairy
farmer members of the American

Dairy Association.

- You never outgrow your
need for milk's vitality.

- So drink a glass
at every meal.

[music playing]

I hate to brag, but we've got
some awfully good basketball

players in our family.

They never miss--
that is almost never.

Well, of course, everybody
misses once in a while.

Oh, well, if at first
you don't succeed--

let's see, it looks
like everything's here,

including milk.

And when the athletes come
in to get something to eat,

you can bet they'll
want plenty of milk.

It seems like only yesterday
they were just two little guys.

Even then, they were
full of vitality.

Whoop!

[chuckle]

I'll say this for old dad.

He's had a rough time, but
he's always done his best

to keep up with the boys.

And believe me, that
takes a lot of vitality.

In fact, all us
Nelsons have always

had plenty of the vitality
that keeps us enjoying life.

And for that, we can thank the
pitcher of milk that's always

been on the Nelson table.

Because the way this
group burns up energy,

milk's the one
drink that gives us

the lasting vitality we need.

[knock]

- Well, hi, Betty.
Come on in.

- Thank you.

Is that really David?

- Where?

- On television.

- On television?

- Yes, didn't you know?

He's being interviewed.

- Well, he didn't say
anything to me about it.

- There he is.

What did I tell you?

- You mean the
man with the mask?

- Of course.

- Oh, Betty, you're kidding.

- Oh, no, that's David.

Look at his shoulders.

Don't they look like David's?

- Well, I suppose so.

- I imagine your
experience as a lawyer

has been of considerable--

- See?

Dave's a lawyer.

- Oh, yes, definitely.

- That certainly didn't
sound like David.

- Oh, they always
disguise their voices.

- It seem our time
is just about up.

Our guest tonight has been
a courageous young man who

has been leading a double life.

As a secret agent on this
unusual and dangerous

assignment, the
nature of his work

has, of necessity,
been kept secret, even

from his wife and parents.

- Good luck to you, Mr. X.

- Thank you.

- See?

That's his favorite tie.

- Well, it's a plain old tie.

You can't even tell
what color it is.

Besides, why would they
be interviewing Dave?

- Because he's a secret
agent for the FBI.

- [chuckle] Oh, no.

- Don't laugh, Mrs. Nelson.

Everything points to it.

That man was a lawyer,
and so is David.

He had a ring on his left hand,
so you know he was married.

And he walked just like David.

And if David
disguised his voice,

it'd sound just like that.

Well, it's all so exciting,
I can hardly stand it.

- Yes, I see that.

- I know it's a secret.

And don't worry.

You can tell David and
Mr. J. Edgar Hoover

that I won't tell a soul.

- Thanks, anyway, but, honestly,
it couldn't have been David.

He's at the Men's Club.

- Oh, sure.

And that's what I'll tell
everybody who asks me.

Bye.

- Bye, Betty.

- Oh, and Mrs. Nelson,
I think you're so brave.

[phone rings]

- Hello?
- Uh, Joan?

- Oh, hi, Dad.
How are you?

- Oh, fine.
Thanks.

Could I speak to
Dave for a second?

- Oh, he's not here right now.

He's at the Men's Club.

- Oh?

- Are you at home?

- Uh, well, no.

I'm down here at the Men's Club.

- Well, haven't you seen him?

- Well, I'll find him.

He's probably over at
the refreshment counter.

Well, I'll be seeing you.

- OK, Dad.

- Goodbye.

- Bye.

[music playing]

- Hi, honey.

- Hi.

- How'd it go tonight?

- Oh, pretty good.

- Your dad was looking for you.

Did he find you?

- Uh, find me?

- Yeah, at the meeting.

- Oh, no, I guess I
must have missed him.

- It must have been
pretty crowded.

- Yeah, we usually
have a good turnout.

What'd you do tonight?

- Oh, I watched television
for a little while.

They had a very
interesting program on.

It was one of those
interviews shows.

The fella they had on
was a secret agent.

- Oh, good for him.

I suppose he was wearing a
mask and disguised his voice?

- Hey, wait a minute,
how did you know that?

- Well, isn't that
what they usually

do when they want to keep
their identity a secret?

- Well, I suppose so.

What was the meeting
about tonight?

- Oh, same old stuff.

Those meetings haven't
changed in years.

- How come you wore that tie?

- Why?

Is there something
the matter with it?

- Well, no, I just wondered
why you picked that one.

- Oh, no particular reason.

- And you didn't see
your father at all, huh?

- No, I'm afraid not.

How about a glass of
milk and some cookies?

- Why are you
changing the subject?

- What's the matter, honey?

Is something wrong?

- No, it's just that I--

oh, I'll get the
cookies and milk.

[music playing]

- Hello?

This is Dave Nelson.

I think my wife is
getting suspicious.

We better finish this
up tomorrow night.

OK, about 7:00.

[music playing]

[twinkling]

- David?
- What are you doing up, honey?

Go back to bed.

- Well, where are you going?

- Down to the
Men's Club meeting.

- At 2:00 in the morning?

- Well, it's less crowded then.

- Well, have a good time.

- Thanks, don't wait up.

- Hey, wait a minute,
he forgot his badge.

David?

David?

[piano playing]

[light applause]

- What do you want?

- I got a message for Mr. Big.

- Password?

- What are little girls made of?

- Sugar, and spice,
and everything nice.

What are little boys made it?

- Snips and snails--

uh, snips and snails--

uh, snips and snails,
um, and puppy dogs tails.

Hi, Big.

- Know the boys?

- Sure.

MX 14, 17.

- You got the plans?

- Right here.

- Let's see them.
- Here?

- Sure, why not?

- Here's the launching pad.

Here's where they
store the warheads.

And here's the command post.

- What's that little
building right there?

- Well, it's pretty
far out in the country.

They don't have much plumbing.

- You've done a great job.

- Thanks.

When do I get to meet
the big, big boss?

- Right now.

Better make sure of you first.

A counter spy has been
operating around here.

- No kidding.

That's terrible.

Well, what about
the big, big boss?

- His name is--

- David?

David, You forgot your badge.

- Oh, no, he's a counter spy!

[music playing]

[clattering]

[shouting]

[glass shattering]

- What are you doing?

- I'm helping you!

- Well, go back to
sleep, will you?

You're having a nightmare.

- Oh.

- Boy, that must have been
some dream you had last night.

- Yeah, I guess it was.

- What was it all about?

- Well, it's so silly.

I don't even want
to talk about it.

- Come on.

What was it?

- Well, I dreamed you were
a counter spy for the FBI.

- [chuckle] How about that?

Where'd you ever get that idea?

- Well, I guess it was that
TV show I saw last night.

See, this fellow was a
counter spy and a lawyer.

And he had a tie on like yours
and shoulders like yours.

And, well, Betty was
positive it was you.

- Betty?

- Yeah, she's the one who
told me about the show.

In fact, she almost
had me convinced.

- [chuckle] That
sounds exciting.

- I guess it does
sound pretty silly.

- Yeah.

- Imagine you being a
counter spy for the FBI.

- [chuckle] Yeah.

- Well, are you?

- Am I what?

- A counter spy for the FBI.

- Are you kidding?

- No, I'm not kidding.
Won't you answer my question?

Yes or no?

- Yes.

- Yes, you're a counter spy?

- No, yes, I'll
answer your question.

No, I am not a counter spy.

- Are you sure?

- Yes, I'm sure.

Well, I hate to rush, but
I really have to get going.

- Well, I know how
silly it sounds,

but you know what a vivid
imagination Betty has.

- Oh, sure.

- You're laughing at me.

- No, I'm not.

- Can I help it if
I worry about you?

- No, I'm glad you do.

- Well, just watch out for those
sexy female foreign agents.

- Believe me, you've got
nothing to worry about.

I promise you I'll have
nothing to do with them,

except, of course, if
it's in the line of duty.

Believe me, honey.

I'm coming back.

- You better.

[music playing]

[knocking]

- Come in.

- Hi, Mrs. Nelson.
- Oh, hi, Betty.

- I'm just on my way to school.
Can I talk to you for a second?

- Sure.

- I just thought you might
have something to tell me.

- Well, I did find
out one thing.

- Really?
What is it?

- He's not a member of the FBI.

- He's with the CIA.
- No.

- He's a T-man.

- No, he's nothing.

Well, I don't mean he's nothing.

He's my husband,
and he's a lawyer.

- Oh, how can you be sure?

- Well, because he told me.

- I know, Mrs. Nelson, but
that doesn't mean a thing

in a case like this.

He was probably
trying to protect you.

They never tell their
wives, you know.

I mean it.

There was one counter
spy who didn't

tell his wife for 10 years.

- Well, that couldn't be Dave.

We haven't been
married that long.

- Hey, honey?
- Oh, hi.

- Hi.
Hi, Betty.

- Hello, Mr. Nelson.
- What's the matter?

Did you forget something?

- Oh, well, yeah.

I forgot to tell you I won't
be home for dinner tonight.

- Oh?

Are you working
late at the office?

- Well, no, not exactly.

See, I have an appointment
right after work.

- Oh, well, OK.

- I have to get going.

I'll see you later.
- Bye.

- Bye.
Bye, Betty.

- Goodbye.

What did I tell you?

He's going out on some
secret mission tonight.

- Oh, well, I'm sure he isn't.

He just has an appointment.

- I see he didn't tell
you where he was going.

- No.
No, he didn't.

- See?

So it must be a secret.

- OK, you win.

He's a counter spy,
and he's going out

on a secret mission tonight.

You know, I wonder
where he is going.

- [excited squeal]

- I've got the cash.

- Oh, that's good.

There's no hurry,
but I could use it.

- Oh, under the
circumstances, I thought

it'd be better than a check.

- Oh, your wife getting
a little suspicious, huh?

- I'm afraid so.

It'll be worth all
the trouble, though.

It's really going to
be a surprise for her.

- I hope so.

- You know, I think you've got
yourself a pretty good deal.

In fact, if I had known it was
going to turn out this well,

I might have charged
you a little more.

- Well, it looks
pretty good, but you've

forgotten how it sounds.

[out of tune chord]

- Yes, I guess you're right.

Look here, a deal's a deal.

I'm giving no money back.

- Say, you don't happen to know
a good piano tuner, do you?

- Well, yes, as a
matter of fact, I do.

He's an old friend of mine.

Do you want me to tell
him to give you a ring?

- Yeah, that'd be fine.

Let's see, I'll be
in court tomorrow.

Maybe you could have him call
me over at my folks' house

tomorrow night.
I'll be over there for dinner.

That is, if you don't mind.

- Oh, no, I'd be glad to.

- Better tell him to make sure
he doesn't talk to my wife.

I'd hate to spoil the surprise.

- OK, I'll warn him.

- I'll see you
tomorrow night then.

That is, if I can
think of another excuse

to get out of the house.

I'm kind of running out of them.

- Yeah, I can imagine so.

Say, I used to tell my
wife I was going down

to the feed store to get
some kerosene for the lamps.

- Well, I doubt if I
could use that one.

Goodnight, Mr. Big.

- Goodnight, Dave.

- Thanks, June.

- Thanks, honey.

- Now, wait a
second, are you sure

I got the biggest piece here?

- Of course.

- Now, now, now, Rick's
is bigger than mine.

- Well, he's still growing.

- Well, so am I.
- I know.

That's what I'm trying to stop.

- [chuckle]

- Besides, yours has
more ice cream on it.

- Gee, this sure
looks good, Mom.

- Thank you, dear.

- Mm, yeah, sure is.

- Thank you.

- Dave?

- Hmm?

Oh, yeah, it sure is good, Mom.

- Thank you, dear.

- What were you worrying about?

- Was I worrying?

- Well, I could see the
wheels turning around.

- Well, to be honest
with you, I was

trying to think
of a pleasant way

to tell you I have to
go out again tonight.

- Oh, no, really?

- Yeah, I'm afraid so.

- I'm sorry, honey.

- Oh, jeez, you had to work
late every night this week.

- Oh, gee, that's too bad.

What kind of a case
you working on, Dave?

- Oh, it's kind of
confidential, Pop.

At least for the time being.

- Oh.

- I'll be able to tell you more
about it in a couple of days.

Well, guess I better get going.

Bye, sweetheart.

- Oh, Dave, you
have to go so soon?

- I'm afraid so, Mom.
Thanks for dinner.

- Goodnight.

- Uh, Dave, I don't have
too much to do tonight.

Do you suppose
she's got a friend?

- Uh, thanks a lot.

[chuckle]

- Junie, that goes
over here, dear.

- Oh, honestly, I don't what's--

[clattering]

Oh, golly, I'm sorry.

- Oh, that's OK.

Is anything wrong?

- Oh, no, what do you mean?

- Well, I don't know.

I just wondered if there's
anything troubling you.

- Oh, no.

Well, yes, there is.

I think David's a secret
agent for the FBI.

- You're kidding.

[clattering]

- What's going on out here?

A pan-dropping contest?

- What makes you say that?

- Well--

- Well, everything points to it.

- Points to what?

- Well, June thinks
that David...

Go ahead, tell him.

- That David is a secret
agent for the FBI.

- You're kidding.

[thud]

[clattering]

- I know it sounds crazy,
but it all seems to add up.

- Well, I'm sure there must be
a logical explanation for all

these things.

- Well, what about the
other night, for instance?

You didn't see him
at the Men's Club.

- Well, I know.

But there's probably an
explanation for that, too.

- You mean David was at the
meeting, and you weren't?

- [chuckle] Harriet, I was
at the meeting, believe me.

I'm not a secret
agent for anything.

- Then you think David is?

- I think both of
you girls are just

letting your imaginations
run away with you.

- The only thing,
though, I remember

when he graduated
from law school,

he mentioned that he was
eligible for the FBI.

- Oh, that's right.

I remember that, too.

- And his office has
handled a couple of cases

for the government lately.
- I know it.

- Look, Harriet,
you and I have met

a lot of people in our lives,
but how many secret agents have

we ever known?

- Well, none.

Except David.

- If you girls want to
believe that, it's OK with me.

[ringing]

Probably David right now.

Hello?

- Hello, Mr. Nelson?

- Yes?

- This is Conrad Churnikov.

- Who?

- Conrad Churnikov.

Is this David Nelson?

- Oh, no, he's not
here right now.

This is his father.

- Oh, I am sorry.

- Is there any message?

- Uh, yes, please.

Tell him the man called
about tuning his piano.

[music plays]

- Oh.

OK.

- Who was that?

- Uh, somebody for David.

He spoke with kind of an accent.

- What did he want David for?

- Well, it's, uh-- it's
something about tuning

your piano.

- Tuning our piano?

We don't have a piano.

- Well, he probably just
said that to mislead you.

He didn't want you
to know who he was.

- He told me his name,
Conrad Churnikov.

- Comrade?

- No, Conrad--

C-O-M...

Look, you girls are making
a big deal out of nothing.

The man just phoned
about tuning your piano.

- But we don't have a piano.

- You don't have a piano.

- It looks wonderful, Dave.

- Oh, thanks.

She's really going
to be surprised.

I sure want to thank you for
letting me work on it here.

- Oh, that's OK.

I enjoyed your company.

When are you going
to take it home?

- Well, I thought I'd take
it over there this weekend.

Our anniversary is Monday.

- Well, you're welcome
to use my truck.

- Oh, thanks a lot.

Now all I have to
do is figure out

some way of getting
June out of the house.

Hey, wait a second.

She's out of the
house right now.

- Well, why not take
it over tonight then?

- Yeah, I think I will.
I could hide it in the basement.

I'll need a little help, though.
Can I use your phone?

- Oh, sure, help yourself.

[ringing]

- I've got it.

Hello?
- Hello, Rick?

This is Dave.

But, look, don't
mention my name.

I don't want June
to know it's me.

I've got a surprise for her.

- Oh, yeah.

- Uh, Rick, who is it?

- Oh, it's for me, Pop.

- Oh.

- What's the problem?

- Well, I've got
a piano for June,

and I want to move it over
to the apartment tonight

and surprise her with it.

It's for our anniversary.

- Oh, and you need some help?

- Yeah, that's the general idea.

- Well, can we handle it?

I mean just the two of us.

- Yeah, it's a small one.

- OK.

Where are you?

- 1754 North Adams.

- OK, I'll be right over.
- Right away, huh?

- Yeah, I'll hurry up.
I'll see you, Dave.

- Rick?

Did you say Dave?

- Oh, uh, I'm going
out for a little while.

I'll see you later.

- Why was he in such a hurry?

- Well, I don't
know, but I'm sure it

had something to do with David.

I heard him say
"Dave" on the phone.

- Now, wait a second,
if it was David,

why wouldn't he have told us?

- Well, because he
wants to protect us.

There was this one counter
spy who didn't tell us

why for 10 years.

- Look, he wrote the
address on the pad.

The imprint is still here.

- Oh, if we get a pencil and
rub over this, we can read what

it says.

- [chuckle] If he
were in trouble,

he would have phoned the FBI.

- Well, what if they
were being held prisoner

by a bunch of spies that just
discovered his real identity?

- Harriet, that's the silliest
thing I've ever heard.

Give me the pad.

[music playing]

[sirens]

- Watch the finish.

- Watch my feet, will you?

Next time, why don't you
surprise her with a harmonica?

- Now hear this.
This is the police.

Hold it right where you are.
You're surrounded.

- OK, up against the
wall with your hands up.

- Officer--

[music playing]

[playing piano]

- Hey, that's good, Rick.

- Yeah, let me try it.

- Oh, come on, you guys.

It's my piano.

- Please, you're
forgetting, I'm a guest.

- [chuckle] You did a beautiful
job on the finish, Dave.

- Oh, thanks, Mom.

Yeah, it turned out pretty
good, considering it almost got

shot full of holes last night.

- Oh, don't say that.

- Oh, I don't even
want to think about it.

- At least we got a lot of help
lifting it up on the truck.

- Hey, where's Dad?

- Oh, well, he's going
to be a little late.

He had a meeting to
attend to or something.

- Excuse me, Mrs.
Nelson, may I come in?

- Oh, hi, Betty.
- Hi, Betty.

- Oh, hi, everybody.

Hey, they're talking about
your piano on television.

- My piano?

- Yes, on the same show
David was on the other night.

- Uh, Betty, I wasn't on it.

- Oh, it's all
right, Mr. Nelson.

I won't tell a soul, honest.

- For the benefit of those
of you who just tuned in,

we're talking to our
citizen in the news tonight.

He's the public
spirited gentleman

who tipped off the police last
night in the now-famous "piano

move" case.

Since our guest chooses
to remain anonymous,

we'll just call him Mr. N. Now
then, let's get this straight.

You are a member of the FBI.

- No, no, no, it was my son.

- Oh, I see.

Your son is a member of the FBI.

- Uh, well, no.

No, see, I, uh--

we thought he was because
of a series of very

interesting circumstances.

[chuckle] It's
really quite amusing.

It could happen to anybody.

- Tonight's "Adventures
of Ozzie and Harriet"

was brought to you by the dairy
farmer members of the American

Dairy Association.

- You never outgrow your
need for milk's vitality.

- Join us in a glass now.

[music playing]