All language subtitles for Bill Burr You People Are All The Same (2012) [WEBRip-1080p.EAC3.2.0.x264-monkee].en

[crowd chatter]

- LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

BILL BURR!

[cheers and applause]

- ALL RIGHT.

THANK YOU!

THANK YOU.

THANK YOU, SIR.

HOW ARE YA?

HOW'S IT GOING?

ALL RIGHT.

[cheers and applause]

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT,

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

ALL RIGHT,

EVERYBODY SETTLE DOWN.

I WANNA GET A GUN.

I DO.

I REALLY DO.

I NEVER HAD THAT FEELING

BEFORE

TILL I MOVED OUT

TO LOS ANGELES.

THIS CITY JUST MESSES

WITH YOUR MIND, YOU KNOW?

IT'S OVERPOPULATED,

TECHNICALLY DOESN'T HAVE

A WATER SUPPLY.

RIGHT?

THE DOLLAR'S CRASHING.

SHIT KEEPS YOU UP AT NIGHT.

YOU'RE JUST THINKING...

"WHAT AM I GONNA DO

WHEN THE ZOMBIES COME?"

RIGHT?

START READING UP ON SHIT.

"GET SOME POWDERED FOOD.

"PLANT SOME ZUCCHINI.

GET A WINDMILL."

RIGHT?

AND THAT'S ALL WELL AND GOOD,

BUT IF YOU DON'T KNOW

HOW TO FIGHT,

ALL YOU'RE DOING

IS GATHERING SUPPLIES

FOR THE TOUGHEST GUY

ON THE BLOCK.

RIGHT?

I WAS THINKING ABOUT THAT.

WHAT AM I GONNA DO

IF SOME DUDE TURNS ME

UPSIDE DOWN,

STARTS SHAKING THE GOLD COINS

OUTTA MY POCKETS?

I GOTTA GET A GUN.

SO I'M ON THE ROAD, RIGHT?

I'M IN RENO.

GREAT GUN TOWN.

SO I GO DOWN TO THAT LITTLE

GUN STORE, RIGHT?

COME WALKING IN.

THERE'S SOME REDNECK THERE.

I'M LIKE, "HEY, MAN."

I GO, "I WANNA GET A GUN."

HE'S LIKE, "I HEAR YA.

WHATCHA LOOKING FOR?

"WHATCHA WANT?

MOSSBERG? OVER/UNDER?

A .357 MAGNUM?"

RIGHT?

STARTS RATTLING OFF

ALL THIS GIBBERISH, RIGHT?

I DON'T KNOW SHIT.

I'M TRYING TO PLAY IT OFF.

I FEEL LIKE A BITCH,

'CAUSE I DON'T KNOW

ANYTHING ABOUT GUNS.

SO I WAS LIKE,

"WHAT DO I DO HERE?

AH, HELL,

I'M GONNA GO WITH HONESTY."

I GO, "LOOK, DUDE, I DON'T

KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT GUNS.

"THEY TERRIFY ME.

"BUT I'M WORRIED ABOUT

THE ZOMBIES.

ALL RIGHT?"

DUDE'S JUST LIKE...

"YOU NEED A SHOTGUN.

"YOU NEED A SHOTGUN, MAN.

IT'S GOT A GOOD SPREAD.

"IT'S EASY TO LOAD, DOESN'T HAVE

A LOT OF WORKING PARTS.

GOT A GOOD SPREAD."

HE KEPT SAYING THAT.

"IT'S GOT A GOOD SPREAD."

I'M LIKE,

"WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?"

HE GOES, "WELL, THAT MEANS YOU

AIN'T GOTTA BE THAT ACCURATE.

"IT'S GOT A GOOD SPREAD.

FURTHER AWAY YOU ARE,

"THE MORE SHIT YOU HIT.

"IT'S GOT A GOOD SPREAD.

"IN FACT, YOU GOT

A PROBLEM OVER HERE,

"YOU AIN'T EVEN GOTTA LOOK.

YOU JUST TURN--POW! THAT'S IT.

"YOU AIN'T GOT A PROBLEM

OVER HERE ANYMORE.

"ANYTHING THAT WAS EVEN

REMOTELY A PROBLEM

"AIN'T THERE ANYMORE.

TRUST ME.

"AND THEN THESE PEOPLE HERE--

THEY SAW WHAT YOU JUST DID HERE.

"YOU AIN'T GOT A PROBLEM HERE

EITHER--FEEL ME?

"90 DEGREES TAKEN CARE OF

RIGHT THERE--ONE SHOT.

"THESE PEOPLE GET SMART,

FLIP IT OVER--WHAP!

THAT'S IT.

IT'S GOT A GOOD SPREAD."

SO I'M, LIKE, LAUGHING

MY ASS OFF.

I'M LIKE, "DUDE, LOOK.

I JUST WANNA SHOOT THE GUY.

"I DON'T WANT TO HAVE TO DO

A BUNCH OF DRYWALL WORK.

"YOU KNOW?

"REFRAME MY DIPLOMA.

GET MY PARAKEET ANOTHER FRIEND.

YOU KNOW?

I JUST WANNA SHOOT THE GUY."

SO I'M LIKE, "YOU KNOW,

HOW 'BOUT ONE OF THESE PISTOLS?"

SO HE DOES, LIKE,

THAT CLASSIC, LIKE,

THAT REDNECK

TRAILING OFF THING

LIKE, "ALL RIGHT,

YOU WANT A PISTOL,

"GO AHEAD

AND GET A PISTOL...

"WHAT DO I KNOW?

I JUST BEEN HERE 20 YEARS.

GET A SHINY ONE, RIGHT?"

SO I WAS LIKE, "WHAT'S WRONG

WITH GETTING A PISTOL?"

HE GOES, "I'LL TELL YOU WHY,

BUDDY.

"'CAUSE LIFE...

LIFE AIN'T A MOVIE.

YOU FEEL ME?"

I'M LIKE, "NO,

CAN YOU PLEASE STOP SPEAKING

"IN THESE BACKWOODS RIDDLES?

"CAN YOU JUST SAY

WHAT YOU'RE SAYING?

"I TOLD YOU I DON'T KNOW

SHIT ABOUT GUNS.

COME ON,

DO ME A SOLID HERE."

HE GOES, "LOOK, YOU EVER

WATCH A MOVIE,

"GUY GOES BLAW, BLAW, BLAW--

HE KILLS THREE PEOPLE.

"REAL LIFE, MAN, YOU MISS.

"YOU MISS

ALL THE FUCKING TIME.

"YOU MISS ENOUGH TIMES, MAN,

YOU'RE EMPTY.

"MIGHT AS WELL

JUTS BE STANDING THERE

"WITH A BIG STAPLER

IN YOUR HAND.

THEN WHAT YA GONNA DO?"

I WAS LIKE, "WELL, FUCK IT.

LET'S GET THE SHOTGUN."

HE'S ALL READY

TO BOX THE THING UP,

AND THEN I'M LIKE,

"WAIT A MINUTE."

I LIVE WITH MY GIRL.

I CAN'T JUST SHOW UP

WITH A SHOTGUN, RIGHT?

THAT'S NOT SOME SHIT

YOU CAN JUST COME HOME WITH.

IF I FOUND THIS STOOL

ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD,

I CAN COME HOME WITH THIS.

LOOK AT IT!

WE CAN REFINISH IT.

WE CAN CARVE OUR INITIALS IN IT.

WE CAN HAVE A GOOD TIME,

RIGHT?

I CAN'T JUST SHOW UP

WITH A SHOTGUN.

"HEY, I GOT IT FOR US!"

RIGHT?

ONE BARREL FOR YOU,

ONE FOR ME. NO.

SO SHE KIBOSHES

THE WHOLE THING.

TILL THE OTHER NIGHT

SOMEBODY BROKE INTO OUR CAR

SITTING IN THE DRIVEWAY.

STARTS FUCKING WITH

HER HEAD, RIGHT?

SO SHE STARTS READING UP

ON GUNS, YOU KNOW?

BUT SHE'S READING TOO MUCH,

'CAUSE NOW SHE WANTS TO GET ONE,

BUT SHE'S JUST LIKE,

"WELL, I HEARD

"YOU GOTTA KEEP THE BULLETS

IN A SAFE,

KEEP THE STOCK

IN THE GARAGE."

AND THEN WHAT?

THEN WHAT,

I RUN AROUND THE HOUSE

AND ASSEMBLE IT

AS SOME DUDE'S CHASING ME

WITH AN AX, YOU KNOW?

ARE YOU EVEN THINKING

THIS THING THROUGH, SWEETHEART?

RUNNING AROUND.

"WHERE--WHERE'S THE SCOPE?"

"IT'S IN THE LIVING ROOM."

"HE'S IN THE LIVING ROOM!"

NO, IF WE'RE GETTING

THIS THING,

I WANT THAT FUCKING THING

LOADED

RIGHT ON THE BEDROOM WALL,

RIGHT THERE.

I'LL PUT THAT THING

IN MY JAM-JAM SLEEVES.

WHOOF! JUST LIKE THAT.

THERE'S NO OTHER POINT.

IT'S FUNNY, THOUGH,

WHEN YOU TALK ABOUT

GETTING A GUN, YOU KNOW?

PEOPLE, LIKE, THEY'RE EITHER

TOTALLY FOR IT

OR COMPLETELY AGAINST IT,

YOU KNOW?

THEY EITHER GO NUTS

AND START SCREAMING, RIGHT?

OR THEY START THROWING OUT

THOSE STATS:

"YOU KNOW, ACTUALLY,

"YOU INCREASE YOUR CHANCES

OF GETTING SHOT BY 80%

THE SECOND

YOU GET A GUN IN THE HOUSE."

REALLY? WHAT, 'CAUSE I'M GONNA

LOAD IT AND SHOWER WITH IT,

LIKE...

UHH...UH...UHH...

THE FUCK?

I KNOW IT'S DANGEROUS.

YOU GET A POOL

IN YOUR BACKYARD,

YOU IMMEDIATELY INCREASE

YOUR ODDS OF DROWNING

IN YOUR BACKYARD, RIGHT?

YOU COULDN'T DO THAT BEFORE.

NOW YOU STEP ON A RAKE,

IN YOU GO!

NO, I'M TELLING YOU,

I DON'T BUY INTO

ANY OF THAT SHIT.

STATS ARE SO

FUCKING STUPID, YOU KNOW?

NOT THAT THEY'RE STUPID.

IT'S THE WAY PEOPLE APPLY 'EM.

YOU ALREADY HAVE

YOUR MIND MADE UP,

AND THEN YOU GO TO

I'MRIGHT.COM,

YOU START MEMORIZING

A BUNCH OF SHIT,

THEN YOU JUST--BLAAAH!

JUST THROW IT UP AT PEOPLE.

THIS GUY TRIED TO GET ME

TO GO SCUBA DIVING.

I GO, "I'M NOT GOING.

I DON'T WANNA GET EATEN

BY A SHARK."

HE'S LIKE, "WELL, ACTUALLY,

90% OF SHARK ATTACKS

ACTUALLY HAPPEN

IN SHALLOW WATER."

IT'S LIKE, NO SHIT.

THAT'S WHERE THE PEOPLE ARE.

YOU KNOW?

IT'S CALLED THE BEACH.

90% OF PEOPLE ARE FROLICKING

ALONG THE COASTLINE.

IT'S NOT LIKE THERE'S PEOPLE

SWIMMING TO EUROPE.

"LET'S GO TO ICELAND,

YOU PUSSIES!"

RIGHT?

I DON'T KNOW.

BUT I ACTUALLY LIKE

LOS ANGELES.

ONE OF THE FEW EAST COAST

PEOPLE THAT LIKES IT.

ALL MY MORON NEW YORK FRIENDS

AND BOSTON FRIENDS,

THEY COME OUT THERE,

TRY TO GET A GOOD SLICE OF PIZZA

AT 4:00 IN THE MORNING.

AND THEY CAN'T.

LIKE, "THIS FUCKING PLACE SUCKS!

"IT'S NOT LIKE EXACTLY

WHERE I LEFT.

"WHAT'S THE POINT

OF TRAVELING

IF IT'S GONNA BE DIFFERENT?"

THAT'S SO FUCKING STUPID.

GET A BURRITO

AND GO ON A HIKE.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?

YOU GONNA GO TO HAWAII--

"THERE'S NO POND HOCKEY!

THIS PLACE SUCKS!"

I GOT TO ADMIT,

THE ONLY THING THAT FREAKS

ME OUT ABOUT LOS ANGELES

IS ALL THE PLASTIC SURGERY.

I DON'T GET IT.

WHY DO PEOPLE GET

PLASTIC SURGERY, YOU KNOW?

WHY CAN'T YOU JUST ADMIT

IT'S OVER?

YOU KNOW?

YOU HAD YOUR TIME.

STOP TRYING TO LOOK FUCKABLE

IN YOUR 50s.

IT'S WEIRD!

WITH THEIR FACES YANKED BACK...

LOOKING ALL SHINY, RIGHT?

NOT TO MENTION THEY HAVEN'T EVEN

FIGURED IT OUT, YOU KNOW?

WHY WOULD YOU GET

A FACE-LIFT?

CAN'T YOU LOOK

AT OTHER FACE-LIFTS

AND REALIZE THEY HAVEN'T

WORKED ALL THE BUGS OUT YET?

THAT'S WHAT

YOU WANNA LOOK LIKE?

LIKE YOU JUST LOST A FIGHT

THREE DAYS AGO?

DON'T BE A HERO.

LET SOMEBODY ELSE GO IN THERE...

TAKE THE FUCKING BEACH.

YOU LAY BACK...

WAIT IT OUT.

THEY'RE JUST LYING TO PEOPLE.

"NO, NO, IT LOOKS GREAT.

"LOOKS GREAT.

PUT A LITTLE ICE ON IT,

"WE'LL SEE YOU

IN A COUPLE OF WEEKS.

"ALL RIGHT, TAKE IT EASY.

"JESUS CHRIST!

WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED?

"WE FOLLOWED EVERY STEP.

DID WE MISS SOMETHING?

"OH, HEY, HEY, HEY!

OH, HERE'S YOUR KEYS.

"HERE'S YOUR KEYS.

THERE YOU GO, THERE YOU GO.

"ALMOST DIDN'T RECOGNIZE YOU,

YOU LOOK SO YOUNG.

"ALL RIGHT, TAKE IT EASY.

"SHE GONE?

ALL RIGHT, SHE'S GONE.

SHRED EVERYTHING.

SHRED IT!"

NO, YOU'RE NUTS.

YOU WAIT IT OUT.

LET 'EM FIGURE IT OUT,

THEN YOU FUCKING GO IN.

DON'T BE A GODDAMN HERO,

YOU KNOW?

LOOK AT HAIR PLUGS.

HAIR PLUGS DON'T LOOK

HALF BAD NOW.

SAW THIS GUY

THE OTHER NIGHT ON TV.

HE'S LIKE, "OH, GOD, I WISH

I DID THIS TEN YEARS AGO."

IT'S LIKE,

NO, YOU DON'T!

TEN YEARS AGO, WHEN THEY

WERE STAPLING ANT LEGS

TO THE TOPS OF PEOPLE'S HEADS?

REMEMBER THAT?

YOUR EYES WOULD WATER

LOOKING AT THEIR HAIRLINE--

LIKE, "IS THAT SEWN IN?

I SEE PINE TAR!"

THEY USED TO PUT YOU

IN, LIKE, A HEADLOCK.

"HOLD STILL!"

USE, LIKE, A NAIL GUN.

"HOLD STILL!"

GUYS WOULD TAP OUT

AFTER A ROW AND A HALF.

"FUCK IT!

I DON'T GIVE A SHIT!"

YOU WISH YOU GOT HAIR PLUGS

TEN YEARS AGO.

DO YOU WISH YOU GOT POLIO

60 YEARS AGO?

WHAT ELSE IS ON

YOUR WISH LIST, SIR?

NO, YOU DON'T FUCK

WITH YOUR FACE...OKAY?

I UNDERSTAND LIPOSUCTION.

THEY SCREW THAT UP,

YOU CAN PUT ON A SHIRT, RIGHT?

THERE'S NO SHIRT

FOR YOUR FACE.

WHO DO THEY THINK

THEY'RE FOOLING

WITH THEIR STUPID...

YOU KNOW?

AND THEN

YOU LIE TO YOURSELF:

"I'M JUST GONNA DO A LITTLE--

JUST GONNA DO THIS.

JUST GONNA HAVE THIS DONE."

NO, YOU'RE NOT. YOU'RE NOT.

WHAT, ARE YOU JUST GONNA

WAX THE FENDER ON YOUR CAR

THEN THAT'S IT, AND THE REST

OF IT LOOKS ALL SHITTY?

"WELL, MAYBE I'LL JUST

DO THE HOOD.

AND MAYBE I'LL DO THE BACK."

THAT'S HOW IT HAPPENS.

THEN YOU LOOK LIKE ONE OF

THOSE REAL HOUSEWIVES...

FACE ALL TWISTED UP.

FUCKING IDIOTS.

"HEY, DO I LOOK--"

[laughter]

YEAH, THEY'RE IDIOTS!

"DO I LOOK LIKE

I'M IN MY 20s?"

NO, YOU LOOK WEIRD.

YOU LOOK FUCKING WEIRD.

YOU STILL LOOK LIKE

YOU'RE IN YOUR 50s.

I JUST CAN'T GUESS

WHAT YEAR ANYMORE

BECAUSE I'VE NEVER

SEEN THAT YEAR.

I'VE NEVER SEEN

THAT SHINY FUCKING LOOK.

IT'S ALMOST LIKE YOU DISCOVERED

A NEW AGE

BETWEEN 52 AND 53.

YEAH.

PEOPLE, THERE'S NOTHING WRONG

WITH BEING 52

AND LOOKING 52, ALL RIGHT?

YOU'RE 52.

YOU DIDN'T GET FUCKED.

[applause]

YEAH.

WHAT WOULD YOU RATHER BE--

52 AND LOOK 52

OR BE 52 AND LOOK LIKE

A 28-YEAR-OLD LIZARD?

ALL RIGHT?

THAT'S YOUR OPTIONS

AT THIS POINT.

[laughs]

YOU KNOW WHAT'S REALLY--

LIKE ACTUALLY EMBARRASSING

IS THAT THE FACE-LIFT--

THAT'S PREDOMINATELY

A WHITE PROBLEM.

HAVE YOU NOTICED THAT?

I'VE NEVER SEEN A BLACK PERSON

WITH A FACE-LIFT EVER

OTHER THAN LIKE

THE JACKSONS.

BUT THEY'RE ALL

OUT OF THEIR MINDS, RIGHT?

'CAUSE THEIR DAD MADE 'EM

REHEARSE ALL DAY

AND SLEEP

IN THE FIREPLACE.

LIKE JAMMING ALL NINE--

"GET IN THERE,

YOU BASTARDS!"

NO HUGS, NO KISSES.

HIS FACE PERMANENTLY

TWISTED UP

FROM 50 YEARS OF SCREAMING,

"SING, MOTHERFUCKER!"

IT'S UNDERSTANDABLE

WITH THEM.

[laughs]

HEY, DO YOU KNOW WHY SO MANY

WHITIES NEED FACE-LIFTS?

I LOVE THAT WORD.

I'M TRYING TO BRING IT BACK.

I LOVE IT, IT'S FUNNY.

WHITEY!

YOU KNOW WHY?

DO YOU KNOW WHY SO MANY

CAUCASIANS NEED FACE-LIFTS?

'CAUSE WE DON'T KNOW

ABOUT LOTION.

SEE THAT?

ONLY HALF OF YOU LAUGHED.

THAT SHOULD'VE BEEN

EVERYBODY.

YEAH, BUT A LOT OF YOU WERE

SITTING THERE LIKE, "WELL...

"WHAT ABOUT LOTION?

"WHAT IS THIS LOTION

YOU SPEAK OF,

AND WHAT IS THE MAGIC

THEREIN?"

JUST TO PUT IT OUT THERE,

YOU CAN USE LOTION

ON OTHER PARTS OF YOUR BODY

BESIDES YOUR DICK.

YEAH.

IF YOU EVER WONDERED WHY

YOUR DICK STILL LOOKS BRAND-NEW

BUT THE REST OF YOU IS STARTING

TO LOOK LIKE AN AGING PIRATE,

IT'S 'CAUSE YOU NEED

TO INCREASE THE CIRCUMFERENCE

OF THE LOTION DISTRIBUTION.

ALL RIGHT?

YOU GOT SKIN EVERYWHERE.

GO HOME.

CHECK YOURSELF OUT.

THE BOTTOM OF YOUR FEET

LOOK LIKE

A PREHISTORIC RIVERBED.

THAT'S NOT PART OF

THE NATURAL AGING PROCESS.

YOU'RE DRIED OUT.

I'M NOT JUDGING YOU.

NOT JUDGING ANYBODY.

I DIDN'T KNOW ANYTHING

ABOUT LOTION.

NEVER USED IT THE FIRST

33 YEARS OF MY LIFE.

NEVER USED IT.

TILL ONE NIGHT I WAS GOING OUT

WITH THIS BLACK GIRL, RIGHT?

SHE WAS GETTING READY,

AND SHE WAS JUST PUTTING

THAT SHIT ON EVERYWHERE.

JUST SLATHERING IT ON.

I THOUGHT SHE HAD, LIKE,

A RASH OR SOMETHING.

I'M LIKE, "WHAT, DO YOU GOT,

LIKE, POISON IVY?

WHAT'S GOING ON WITH YOU?"

SHE GOES, "NO, I'M JUST

MAKING SURE I'M NOT ASHY."

I SAID, "ASHY?"

SHE GOES, "DRY SKIN."

AND I WENT, "OH!"

I GUESS I FREAKED HER OUT

A LITTLE BIT,

'CAUSE I WAS LIKE,

"OH!"

SHE WAS LIKE, "WELL,

WHITE PEOPLE GET ASHY TOO."

I WAS LIKE, "YEAH, YOU KNOW,

I DON'T THINK WE DO."

[laughter]

"YEAH, I BEEN ALIVE

FOR 33 YEARS.

"NO ONE HAS EVER SAID,

'HEY, BILL,

"YOU'RE LOOKING

A LITTLE ASHY.'

I NEVER EVEN HEARD THAT WORD

UNTIL YOU SAID IT."

SHE'S LIKE, "YOU'RE AN IDIOT.

STICK OUT YOUR ARM."

SO I STICK OUT MY ARM,

AND EVER SO GENTLY,

SHE JUST DRAGS HER NAILS DOWN.

THIS SMOKE STARTS COMING UP.

IT'S LIKE PASTRY FLAKES

FLYING OFF.

TRACK MARKS.

SHE'S SIGNING HER NAME.

SHE'S LIKE, "YOU SEE THAT?"

SHE GOES, "THAT'S ASHY.

YOU'RE ASHY."

FREAKED ME OUT.

I'M LIKE, "HOLY SHIT, I'M ASHY!"

I DIDN'T KNOW ANYTHING

ABOUT IT.

ALL I KNEW WAS THAT I ALWAYS

GOT ITCHY IN THE WINTER.

COULDN'T FIGURE IT OUT.

ALWAYS GOT ITCHY IN THE WINTER.

WHY THE FUCK DO I GET ITCHY?

I THOUGHT IT MEANT

THE BATH TOWEL WAS DIRTY.

THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT.

AND I WOULD CHANGE IT OUT

AND PUT A FRESH ONE.

"NOW I'M GONNA BE OKAY."

TAKE A SHOWER.

DRY OFF.

FUCKING ITCHING AGAIN.

GOD DAMN IT,

I HATE THE WINTER.

SEE, THAT'S WHY YOU GOTTA

HANG OUT WITH EVERYBODY.

[laughter]

YEAH.

THERE'S TOO MUCH INFORMATION

IN THE WORLD,

AND EVERY GROUP OF PEOPLE

MISSES A LITTLE BIT.

WHITE PEOPLE TOTALLY MISSED

THE LOTION SEMINAR

AT SOME POINT IN HISTORY.

I DON'T KNOW IF IT'S 'CAUSE

WE CAN'T SEE IT, YOU KNOW?

BLACK PEOPLE GET ASHY,

IT LIKE LOOKS LIKE

THEY, LIKE, LEANED UP AGAINST

A CHALKBOARD OR SOMETHING,

YOU KNOW?

THEY CAN SEE IT!

THEY MISS IT,

THEIR FRIENDS HELP 'EM OUT.

LIKE, "LOOK AT YOUR ASHY

MOTHERFUCKING ELBOW!

WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?"

RIGHT?

[applause]

WE MISSED THAT SHIT THE WAY

BLACK PEOPLE MISSED THE WHOLE

REGISTER YOUR WEAPONS

SUMMIT.

RIGHT?

JUST NEVER GOT

THE INFORMATION.

THE AMOUNT OF RAPPERS

WHO'VE BEEN BUSTED

FOR THE UNREGISTERED GLOCK

IN THE CAR

JUST BLOWS MY MIND.

IT'S LIKE, WHY WOULD YOU

DO THAT TO YOURSELF?

DO YOU JUST WANNA MAKE

AN ALBUM OVER THE PHONE?

IS THAT WHAT IT IS?

IS THAT, LIKE, THE NEW AUTO-TUNE

OR SOME SHIT?

I DON'T KNOW.

IT BREAKS MY HEART

EVERY TIME I SEE IT.

I JUST THINK, "GOD, IF HE

JUST HAD ONE WHITE FRIEND...

IF HE JUST HAD ONE WHITE FRIEND

IN HIS ENTOURAGE..."

DUDE WOULD HAVE BEEN SITTING

THERE GOING LIKE,

"IS THAT THING REGISTERED?

"YOU OUTTA YOUR MIND?

"DUDE, GET IT OUTTA THERE.

GET IT OUTTA THERE.

"YEAH, IT'S ILLEGAL!

"THAT'S, LIKE, FUCKING

THREE TO FIVE, MANDATORY!

"DUDE, HOW DO YOU

NOT KNOW THAT?

"THAT'S THE QUESTION.

"HOW DO YOU NOT

FUCKING KNOW THAT?

"THIS GUY'S GOT AN UNREGISTERED

WEAPON IN THE CAR,

"AND WE'RE JUST GONNA

GO DRIVING AROUND WITH IT.

IT'S JUST--

IT'S JUST RIDICULOUS!"

[laughter]

SO SEE?

THERE YA GO, ALL RIGHT?

YOU DON'T NEED

A FACE-LIFT, OKAY?

LAY OFF THE BOOZE.

DO SOME CARDIO.

MOISTURIZE.

YOU'RE GONNA BE FINE.

OKAY?

DON'T BELIEVE IN THESE MYTHS.

BLACK DON'T CRACK.

IT'S BULLSHIT.

THEY ALL PUT LOTION ON,

LIKE, EVERY 20 MINUTES

DURING THE DAY.

IT'S RIDICULOUS!

THEY ALL GOT A GIANT

OIL DRUM WITH THE SHIT AT HOME.

EVERY MORNING, THEY WAKE UP,

THEY DUNK THEMSELVES IN IT,

SHAKE THEMSELVES OFF,

AND WALK OUT THE DOOR

ABSOLUTELY GLISTENING!

GLISTENING!

WHITE GUYS LIKE ME

ARE WALKING AROUND, NO HAT ON--

"UH, LET'S GO SAILING!"

PASSING OUT FACEDOWN

IN THE SAND.

[laughs]

SPEAKING OF NO BOOZING, MAN,

I BEEN REALLY TRYING

TO CLEAN UP MY ACT

AS FAR AS

THAT BOOZING THING GOES.

JUST REALLY BEEN LAYING

OFF IT, YOU KNOW?

I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS.

YOUR FUCKING HEAD GETS BIG

AS YOU GET OLDER, YOU KNOW?

YOU KEEP BOOZING,

YOU START GETTING

THAT BIG ALEC BALDWIN/

JOHN TRAVOLTA HEAD.

AND YOU DON'T NOTICE THOUGH,

'CAUSE EVERY DAY,

YOU'RE BRUSHING YOUR TEETH

AND YOU'RE SEEING YOUR HEAD,

AND IT'S JUST GETTING

A LITTLE BIT BIGGER.

KEEP DRINKING.

"I'LL HAVE ANOTHER ONE," RIGHT?

THEN ONE DAY YOU GO TO TAKE

THAT CELL PHONE PICTURE,

AND YOU'RE JUST, LIKE, 6 INCHES

IN FRONT OF EVERYBODY ELSE.

YOU DON'T THINK

IT'S A BIG DEAL.

MAYBE YOU LEANED IN, 'CAUSE

YOU'RE FEELING GOOD, RIGHT?

THEN ALL OF A SUDDEN,

YOU LOOK AT THE PICTURE.

IT'S LIKE, "FUCKING YEAH!

WHOO!"

IT'S LIKE, "I GOTTA

LAY OFF THIS SHIT."

SO I'VE BEEN

TRYING TO LEARN--

LEARN HOW TO FIX SHIT

AROUND THE HOUSE.

THAT'S WHAT'S FILLING UP

ALL THIS TIME

OF JUST BEING SOBER.

THAT'S BRUTAL, DUDE.

YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW LONG A YEAR

IS UNTIL YOU'RE STONE SOBER.

IT'S FUCKING BRUTAL.

SO I'M LEARNING

HOW TO FIX SHIT, RIGHT?

MY GIRLFRIEND DOESN'T LIKE IT

'CAUSE SHE SAYS I HAVE A TEMPER,

YOU KNOW?

SHE'S LIKE, "YOU KNOW,

"IT'S JUST NOT THAT

YOU'RE TRYING TO FIX THINGS,

"IT'S THAT YOU GET FRUSTRATED,

YOU PUNCH THE WALL,

"THE DOG STARTS SHAKING.

"I JUST DON'T THINK

IT'S A GOOD IDEA.

"YOU KNOW, YOU'RE A COMEDIAN.

YOU SHOULD TELL JOKES.

HE'S A PLUMBER.

HE SHOULD PLUMB, RIGHT?"

[laughs]

I'M TRYING TO EXPLAIN TO HER

THAT LOSING YOUR SHIT

IS PART OF THE PROCESS

OF FIXING SOMETHING, RIGHT?

EVERYBODY DOES THAT.

[applause]

RIGHT? YEAH!

YOU BUY SOMETHING AT IKEA.

YOU GET HALFWAY THROUGH

PUTTING IT TOGETHER.

YOU'RE LIKE, "DUDE, WHERE

THE FUCK IS THE FUCKING--

"OH, THERE IT IS.

THERE IT IS.

"THERE IT IS.

"HONEY, I DIDN'T SEE IT.

"I DIDN'T SEE IT!

"WHY, YOU WANNA PUT IT

TOGETHER?

"YOU WANNA--

WELL, THEN YOU PUT IT TOGETHER.

"YOU PUT TOGETHER THIS FUCKING

"PARTICLE BOARD

PIECE OF FUCKING SHIT.

"THESE INSTRUCTIONS

MAKE NO SENSE!

"I WILL BUY ANOTHER ONE!

I WILL BUY ANOTHER ONE.

"I'LL BUY FUCKING FIVE

AND SMASH FOUR IF I WANT TO.

"DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO!

"OH, GO TO YOUR MOTHER'S.

I DON'T GIVE A SHIT.

"JESUS CH--YEAH,

WHAT STORY YOU GONNA TELL?

"THIS ONE, RIGHT?

NOT THE PART ABOUT

"HOW I PAY

ALL THE FUCKING BILLS, RIGHT?

"HOW WAS THAT UNCALLED FOR?

"HOW WAS THAT

UNCALLED FOR?

"I WASN'T EVEN TALKING

TO YOU!

"I WAS TALKING

TO THE FUCKING THING!

"I WAS TALKING

TO THE FUCKING THING!

"I KNOW WHAT I SAID.

I KNOW WHAT I SAID, OKAY?

"YOU DON'T NEED TO TELL ME.

I KNOW WHAT I SAID, YES.

"I AM WORKING ON IT.

I AM WORKING ON IT, ALL RIGHT?

"LOOK...LOOK, YOU THINK

I WANNA BE THIS GUY?

"YOU THINK I WANNA BE THE GUY

WHO FLIPS OUT

"ABOUT THE FUCKING TABLES?

I DON'T, OKAY?

"THIS ISN'T WHO I AM.

THIS IS WHO I BECAME, ALL RIGHT?

"I'M WORKING THROUGH

THIS SHIT.

"YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO SPEAK--

WELL, YOU DO SHIT TOO, OKAY?

"YOU DO SHIT TOO.

WELL, I THOUGHT YOU WERE

GOING TO YOUR MOTHER'S!"

[laughter]

NO, IT'S BRUTAL.

I HATE HAVING A TEMPER, MAN.

IT'S FUCKING EMBARRASSING.

YOU KNOW?

I DON'T KNOW.

I'M SICK OF WOMEN TRYING--

EVERY GIRL I EVER DATE'S

ALWAYS TRYING TO FIX ME.

GETS ANNOYING

AFTER A WHILE, YOU KNOW?

LIKE YOU'RE NOT OUT OF YOUR MIND

WITH ALL YOUR FUCKING SHOES?

RIGHT?

WHAT IS THAT ALL ABOUT?

I'M SICK OF THIS HYPOTHETICAL

PERFECT GUY.

GO GET HIM.

GO DOWN TO APPLEBEE'S,

LET ME KNOW WHAT YOU FIND.

OKAY? I'VE HAD IT.

I'M WORKING, I'M TRYING.

YOU GO DOWN AND YOU GET THIS

"MR. EVEN-KEELED ALL THE TIME"

WITH HIS LITTLE FUCKING

SPORT COAT, RIGHT?

YOU LIVE WITH THAT GUY

FOR A WHILE, YOU KNOW?

"HEY, HONEY, I'M HOME.

HOW ARE YA?

"TRAFFIC WAS CRAZY.

ALMOST LOST IT,

"BUT THANK GOD

I HAD THAT BOOK ON TAPE, RIGHT?

"GULLIVER'S TRAVELS.

ALWAYS A CLASSIC.

ALWAYS A CLASSIC."

THAT'S THE GUY YOU WANT,

STRAIGHT ACROSS THE BOARD?

EVEN IN THE BEDROOM, RIGHT?

ALWAYS MAKING LOVE TO YOU

MISSIONARY STYLE.

"I LOVE YOU.

YOUR HAIR IS LIKE AN OCEAN."

NEVER KNOWING YOU LIKE TO BE

FLIPPED OVER

AND HAVE YOUR FACE MUSHED

INTO THE PILLOWS,

YOU FUCKING PSYCHO, RIGHT?

[laughs]

NAW, SHE'S RIGHT.

SHE'S ALWAYS RIGHT.

I DO, I GOTTA WORK ON IT.

I HATE HAVING A TEMPER,

YOU KNOW?

I DON'T KNOW

IF IT'S HEREDITARY.

I DON'T KNOW IF IT'S PART OF

THE COUNTRY I'M FROM.

I'VE ALWAYS SNAPPED,

YOU KNOW?

MY DAD WAS LIKE THAT.

MY DAD'S THE GREATEST DUDE

I EVER MET IN MY LIFE,

AND HE HAD A TEMPER.

ANYTIME ANYTHING

BROKE IN THE HOUSE,

FIVE MINUTES INTO FIXING IT,

HE WAS BITCHING

ABOUT HIS MARRIAGE.

[laughs]

IT WAS HILARIOUS.

HE'D SEE SOMETHING BROKE--

"OH, CHRIST,

WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT?

"GODDAMN IT, BILLY,

GIMME THAT FUCKING SCREWDRIVER.

"I SWEAR TO GOD,

"I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK

I EVER GOT MARRIED FOR.

"13 GODDAMN YEARS

OF THIS SHIT.

"YOU'RE A BITCH, LADY!

YOU BEEN A BITCH FOR YEARS.

"GIVE ME THE PLIERS.

"YEAH, MOST GUYS

WOULD'VE LEFT BY NOW!

MOST GUYS WOULD'VE

LEFT BY NOW!"

[laughs]

THAT WAS ONE OF HIS

CATCHPHRASES:

"MOST GUYS WOULD'VE

LEFT BY NOW,"

AND "YOU DON'T KNOW HOW

FUCKING GOOD YOU GOT IT, LADY!"

[laughter]

YEAH, WHEN I WAS A KID,

I THOUGHT HE WAS NUTS.

THEN I GOT OLDER, YOU KNOW,

STARTED DATING.

I REALIZED, "EH, THIS GUY'S

MAKING A LOTTA GOOD POINTS."

[laughter, applause]

"HE'S NOT EXPRESSING THEM

IN THE HEALTHIEST OF WAYS."

I GOTTA BE HONEST WITH YOU.

I'M KINDA, LIKE, JEALOUS

OF THE WAY

MY DAD GETS TO TALK

TO MY MOM SOMETIMES, YOU KNOW?

WHERE ARE ALL THOSE

OLD-SCHOOL WOMEN

YOU CAN JUST TAKE YOUR DAY

OUT ON, YOU KNOW?

WHEN DID THEY STOP MAKING

THOSE ANGELS

WHO JUST KNEW IT HAD

NOTHING TO DO WITH THEM.

THEY'D JUST SIT THERE, LET YOU

BLOW OUT THE LINES, RIGHT?

WHAT A LUXURY...RIGHT?

TO FAIL ALL DAY,

YOU COME HOME AND DOWNLOAD

ALL YOUR INSECURITIES

ON THIS OTHER PERSON.

"HOW WAS YOUR DAY?"

"HOW THE FUCK WAS YOUR DAY?

"I'M OUT HERE

MAKING DECISIONS!

"TAKE THESE KIDS AWAY FROM ME.

GET ME A GODDAMN DRINK.

OH, WITH THE TEARS!"

[laughs]

THEN THE BRA-BURNING

GENERATION CAME IN, RIGHT?

NOW YOU GOTTA SIT THERE

AND LISTEN TO THEIR STORIES

ALL THE TIME.

OH, IT'S THE WORST.

YOU KNOW WHAT'S THE WORST?

IS WHEN THEY'RE TELLING YOU

A STORY AND YOU WANNA LISTEN,

BUT JUST WHAT

THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT,

YOU CAN'T EVEN RETAIN IT.

"SO I WAS SUPPOSED TO GO OUT

TO LUNCH WITH JENNIFER.

"I'M ALL READY TO DO THAT.

"I SHOW UP.

SHE'S THERE WITH SUSAN.

"SHE KNOWS I HATE SUSAN.

I LOOK LIKE SHIT.

SUSAN'S BEEN GOING

TO THE GYM."

I MEAN, AT THAT POINT,

YOUR HEAD IS LIKE

A NEWBORN BABY.

YOU'RE TRYING TO...

TRYING TO HOLD IT UP,

YOU KNOW?

YOU CAN'T! EVEN IF YOU TRY

TO PAY ATTENTION, YOU CAN'T.

YOU JUST START STARING

AT THEIR MOUTH AFTER A WHILE,

LIKE, "I CAN'T BELIEVE

IT KEEPS COMING OUT.

THIS IS FUCKING

UNBELIEVABLE."

LIKE, "RRHH-RRHH-RRHH

RRHH-RRHH-RRHH."

IT STARTS FADING OFF...

"EEHH-EEHH-EEHH-eehh-eehh..."

YOU START THINKING ABOUT

YOUR OWN LIFE, RIGHT?

"WHY'D I TAKE NEBRASKA

GIVING 28?

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME?

IT'S AN AWAY GAME."

ALL OF A SUDDEN,

HER VOICE GOES "EEHH-EEHH--"

IT GOES UP, ALL RIGHT?

"EEHH-EEHH-EET."

LIKE, "AW, FUCK.

THAT WAS A QUESTION."

[laughter, applause]

ALL RIGHT,

NOW WHAT DO YOU DO?

CAN'T SAY YES.

YOU CAN'T SAY NO.

YOU GOTTA COME

WITH SOMETHING NEUTRAL.

"EH, WHAT THE FUCK

YOU GONNA DO?

"WHAT ARE YA GONNA DO?

"IT IS WHAT IT IS.

"YOU PUT ONE FOOT

IN FRONT OF THE OTHER,

AND, UH..."

HALFTIME ADJUSTMENTS.

UH...GOT NOTHING.

[laughs]

NO. I DON'T WANNA MAKE MY DAD

OUT LIKE A PSYCHO.

MY DAD'S THE BEST DUDE

I KNOW, MAN.

BUT YOU KNOW,

I UNDERSTAND HIM, THOUGH.

HE'S LIKE THE EXACT

OPPOSITE OF ME, YOU KNOW?

I PLANNED OUT MY LIFE

A LITTLE MORE, RIGHT?

THAT'S WHY I NEVER GOT MARRIED.

NEVER THOUGHT ABOUT

GETTING MARRIED.

IT JUST LOOKED HORRIFIC.

IT LOOKED REALLY DIFFICULT.

IT LOOKED LIKE

A LOT OF 'EM FAILED.

THEN IF YOU HAD A KID,

YOU HAD THAT WHOLE WEIRD

SITUATION, RIGHT?

YOU GOT THIS THING

THAT HALF LOOKS LIKE YOU,

HALF LOOKS LIKE SOMEBODY

YOU USED TO LOVE

AND NOW WANNA SLAP

THE SHIT OUT OF, RIGHT?

KID'S COMING UP TO THE WALK.

YOU'RE LIKE, "SON, JUST LOOK

TO THE RIGHT A LITTLE.

LET ME JUST KINDA--"

"BUT, DAD, I WANNA LOOK AT YA."

[laughs]

IT'S BRUTAL!

MY DAD WAS THE EXACT OPPOSITE.

FELL IN LOVE, GOT MARRIED,

JUST STARTED HAVING KIDS.

HAD FIVE KIDS

BY THE TIME HE WAS 33.

PRE-OPRAH, PRE-DR. PHIL,

PRE- CHICKEN SOUP FOR

THE "HOLY FUCK,

"I GOT FIVE KIDS.

I DON'T EVEN KNOW

WHO I AM YET."

THE PRESSURE OF THAT,

FEEDING ALL THOSE KIDS, MAN.

I'M TELLING YOU.

EVERY THREE OR FOUR DAYS,

HE WOULD JUST SNAP.

JUST SNAP OUTTA NOWHERE,

YOU KNOW?

"CAN YOU PASS THE SALT?"

"AH, YOU FUCKING BITCH!

"WHAT THE FUCK DID I GET MARRIED

FOR, IT'S BULLSHIT!"

BOOM! HE'D SLAM THE DOOR,

HAVE THE CAR IN THIRD GEAR

BY THE TIME HE GOT IT

TO THE END OF THE DRIVEWAY.

BUH-BUH-BAH-BAH!

MY MOTHER WOULD ALWAYS DO

THE EXACT SAME SHIT.

JUST LOCK THE DOOR BEHIND HIM,

TURN AROUND,

LOOK AT THE KIDS,

AND JUST BE LIKE--

"SSS. EESH!"

[laughter]

"NOW, HE'S JUST CRAZY.

HE'S JUST A CRAZY PERSON.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH HIM?"

EIGHT HOURS LATER,

HE'D SHOW UP.

NO APOLOGY.

SHE'D HAVE DINNER READY.

SHE MESSED IT UP,

HE'D GIVE HER A ROUGH TIME.

"CHRIST, YOU COOKED

THE SHIT OUT OF IT!"

[laughs]

I DON'T KNOW.

I THINK I'LL BE

A GOOD DAD, THOUGH.

YOU KNOW?

[laughter]

I DO.

[laughs]

NO, ANALYZE IT.

ACTUALLY, IT'S FINALLY

COME TO THE POINT,

I WANNA HAVE A KID,

AND I DON'T THINK

IT'S THAT HARD.

I DON'T.

PART OF ME REALLY BELIEVES THAT,

AND THE OTHER PART IS

I JUST LIKE PISSING OFF PEOPLE

WITH KIDS, YOU KNOW?

WHENEVER YOU SAY

SHIT LIKE THAT--

"DUDE, YOU HAVE NO IDEA

HOW DIFFICULT IT IS!"

THIS IS A GREAT ONE TO SAY.

"WELL, I MEAN, I GOT A DOG,

I MEAN...YOU KNOW?

HOW MUCH DIFF--"

"DUDE, YOU CAN'T EVEN FUCKING

COMPARE IT TO A DOG!"

"YEAH, I CAN.

"I JUST DID,

AND I'LL DO IT AGAIN.

"MINE'S GOT FOUR LEGS.

YOURS ONLY HAS TWO.

"GO AHEAD.

"YOURS BITES SOMEONE,

IT GETS A TIME OUT.

MINE GETS PUT DOWN.

STAKES ARE RAISED."

NO, I THINK I KNOW.

I THINK I KNOW

HOW TO RAISE A KID.

YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS?

YOU JUST PLAY CATCH WITH 'EM.

I THINK THAT'S THE BIG DEAL.

THAT'S HOW YOU RAISE A KID.

YOU PLAY CATCH WITH 'EM.

AND YOU JUST TALK ABOUT LIFE.

YOU DISTRACT 'EM

BY THROWING THE BALL.

THEY DON'T EVEN NOTICE

YOU'RE FILLING THEIR HEADS UP

WITH YOUR THEORIES.

RIGHT?

YOU DON'T DO IT

THE OLD-SCHOOL WAY

THE WAY YOUR PARENTS USED TO.

SIT DOWN ACROSS FROM YOU--

"YOU WANNA TELL ME

ABOUT YOUR DAY?

"DID ANYBODY OFFER YOU

ANY DRUGS?

YOU LEARNING ABOUT SEX?"

YOU'RE LIKE, "DUDE, YOU'RE

FUCKING FREAKING ME OUT!

TRYING TO EAT

A POP-TART HERE," RIGHT?

NO, YOU JUST TAKE HIM

IN THE BACK.

YOU PLAY CATCH WITH HIM.

THAT'S IT.

YOU TALK ABOUT LIFE, RIGHT?

"WHAT'S THAT, SON?

"AH, WE'RE NOT

GOING TO CHURCH TODAY.

"FUCK THAT.

"AH, IT'S ALL

A BUNCH OF BULLSHIT.

"GOD'S EVERYWHERE, BUT I GOTTA

GO DOWN THERE TO SEE HIM?

"REALLY? AND HE'S MAD AT ME

DOWN THERE,

"AND I OWE YA MONEY?

GO FUCK YOURSELF.

"THAT'S STUPID.

IT'S RIDICULOUS.

"IT'S IN HERE, ALL RIGHT?

"IT'S NOT DOWN--

IT'S IN HERE.

"THEY TRY TO TAKE IT.

IT'S IN HERE.

"YOU DO SOMETHING GOOD,

YOU FEEL GOOD.

"YOU DO SOMETHING BAD,

YOU FEEL BAD, YOU KNOW?

"UNLESS YOU'RE, LIKE,

A SOCIOPATH,

"THEN YOU DON'T FEEL SHIT,

YOU KNOW?

"UNLESS YOU GOT SOMEBODY

DUCT-TAPED UPSIDE DOWN

"IN YOUR APARTMENT,

YOU KNOW?

"IF YOU DO SOMETHING

LIKE THAT,

"I WANT YOU TO FEEL LIKE

YOU CAN COME TO ME, YOU KNOW?

"YEAH, COME TO ME.

CONFESS ALL OF THAT.

"WE'LL GO DOWN TO THE PRECINCT.

WE'LL TELL THEM EVERYTHING.

"YEAH, I'M GONNA TURN YOU IN.

THIS ISN'T FUCKING DEXTER.

"WHAT ARE YOU,

OUT OF YOUR MIND?

"GONNA HAVE SOME FEEL-GOOD

SERIAL KILLER WALKING AROUND.

HE ONLY KILLS

THE BAD PEOPLE."

[laughter]

"LISTEN, I KNOW

YOUR MOTHER AND I,

"WE'VE BEEN ARGUING

A LOT LATELY, ALL RIGHT?

"BUT YOU KNOW I LOVE HER.

I LOVE HER TO DEATH, OKAY?

"IT'S WEIRD.

I LOVE HER TO DEATH,

"BUT WHEN I WATCH HER EAT TOAST,

I JUST WANNA--

"I JUST WANNA CHOKE HER.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS.

"IT'S THE ROUTINE--

RIGHT, LEFT, THEN THE MIDDLE.

"WHY DON'T YOU JUST FOLD IT

IN HALF AND FUCKING EAT IT?

"YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

"IT'S UNREAL, YOU KNOW?

"THAT'S WHEN YOU KNOW, YOU KNOW,

YOU MET THE RIGHT ONE.

"WHEN YOU WANNA SLAP THE SHIT

OUT OF THEM, BUT YOU DON'T.

"YOU KNOW?

YOU WANNA LEAVE, BUT YOU DON'T.

"THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT 'EM...

YOU JUST CAN'T FUCKING LEAVE.

"RIGHT?

"SO DON'T SETTLE DOWN

TILL YOU MEET ONE LIKE THAT.

"THAT'S WHEN YOU KNOW.

"TILL THEN, YOU DON'T PUT

A CONDOM ON, YOU KNOW?

"JUST BANG AS MANY

AS YOU CAN

"SO YOU DON'T HAVE

A MIDLIFE CRISIS.

"THAT'S WHAT YOU DO.

DON'T TELL YOUR MOTHER

I'M TELLING YOU

ANY OF THIS SHIT EITHER."

[laughing]

[cheers and applause]

YEAH.

THAT'S MY, UH...

THAT'S MY GAME PLAN.

YOU KNOW,

I DO HAVE A DOG.

THAT DOESN'T COUNT

FOR ANYTHING?

NEVER UNDERSTOOD THAT,

YOU KNOW?

I LOVE MY DOG, BUT, UH...

I'VE LEARNED A LOT BEING

A DOG OWNER, MAN, YOU KNOW?

ANY DOG'S A GOOD DOG

UNLESS YOU'RE A PSYCHO.

YOU KNOW?

I GOT A PIT BULL.

IT'S STILL A GREAT DOG,

UNLESS YOU'RE A FUCKING PSYCHO.

AND EVIDENTLY,

I'M A PSYCHO,

BECAUSE MY DOG HAS BEEN--

JUST BEEN A COMPLETE MANIAC

OVER THE LAST, LIKE,

SIX MONTHS, YOU KNOW?

I DIDN'T REALIZE THAT DOGS

FEED OFF YOUR VIBES, YOU KNOW?

LIKE IF YOU'RE CHILLIN',

THEY'RE CHILLIN', YOU KNOW?

IF YOU'RE SLEEPING,

THEY'RE SLEEPING.

BUT IF YOU'RE

A PSYCHO LIKE ME

AND YOU'RE SCREAMING

AT THE REF ON TV,

BEING LIKE, "DUDE, YOU GOTTA BE

FUCKING KIDDING ME!"

I DIDN'T REALIZE THE DOG

WAS OVER IN THE CORNER

BEING LIKE, "YEAH,

YOU GOTTA BE FUCKING KIDDING ME.

"THIS IS BULLSHIT!

"I DON'T KNOW WHAT

THIS GUY'S MAD AT,

"BUT I LOVE THIS GUY!

THIS GUY FEEDS ME...

IS IT THE DOOR?

ARE YA MAD AT THE DOOR?"

[laughter]

YEAH. I HAD NO IDEA

I WAS AMPING THIS DOG UP.

I'M SO SELFISHLY

IN MY OWN WORLD.

I'D BE LIKE ON THE COMPUTER,

IT'D CRASH.

"OH, REALLY? REALLY?!"

DOG'S OVER IN THE CORNER

WITH, LIKE, A CHEW TOY.

[growling]

I NEVER NOTICED,

LIKE, THAT GAME-SEVEN LOOK

SHE WAS GETTIN' ON HER FACE.

AND ONE DAY,

I AMPED HER UP TOO MUCH,

HAD NO CLUE,

AND I WENT OUTSIDE.

WE WERE JUST WALKING

DOWN THE STREET,

AND SOME POOR BASTARD

COMES THE OTHER WAY

AND THE DOG'S LIKE,

"THAT'S THAT MOTHERFUCKER!

AAAAHHH!"

LUNGES AT THIS GUY!

I HAD TO PULL HER BACK.

I'M LIKE, "DUDE, I'M SORRY, MAN,

I'M SORRY.

SHE'S NEVER DONE

ANYTHING LIKE THAT," RIGHT?

LOOKING DOWN AT THE DOG LIKE,

"WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?"

DOG'S LOOKING UP AT ME

LIKE, "HUH?

"I GOT THAT SON OF A BITCH,

DIDN'T I?

"I LOVE YOU!

YOU FEED ME. I GOT YOU.

"HOW THE HELL DID YOU SEE HIM

THAT FAR AWAY, MAN?

YOUR EARS MUST BE BETTER

THAN MINE--IT'S UNBELIEVABLE."

RIGHT?

THEN I GOT NERVOUS.

I GOT NERVOUS AROUND MY OWN DOG.

I STARTED THINKING, "FUCK,

ARE PIT BULLS REALLY LIKE THIS?

DO THEY JUST GO PSYCHO?

MAN, THIS IS NUTS," RIGHT?

THAT'S ANOTHER BAD VIBE

TO HAVE AROUND YOUR DOG,

'CAUSE THEY PICK UP

ON THAT VIBE, RIGHT?

THIS DUDE COMES WALKING

DOWN THE STREET,

AND I IMMEDIATELY JUST START

THINKING LIKE, "OH, SHIT,

SHE GONNA DO IT AGAIN?

OH, SHIT, OH, SHIT."

DOG JUST LOOKS AT ME LIKE,

"OH, SHIT, WHAT?

"OH, SHIT, WHAT? HIM?

HIM, HIM?

RRRAAAAH!"

RUNS AT ANOTHER GUY.

GOTTA PULL HER BACK.

"JESUS CHRIST, I'M SORRY!"

LOOKING DOWN AT THE DOG.

DOG'S TRYING TO CHEST BUMP ME

AND SHIT, RIGHT?

DUDE, IT GOT SO BAD ONE DAY,

SHE ALMOST ATE

A LANDSCAPER, RIGHT?

YEAH! SO I'M LIKE, "I GOTTA TAKE

THIS THING TO A TRAINER, MAN."

SO I LOAD IT UP IN THE PRIUS

AND I DRIVE OVER THERE, RIGHT?

[laughter]

YEAH, I HAVE A PRIUS.

GO AHEAD, JUDGE ME.

I LOVE THAT SHIT.

IF YOU HAVE A PRIUS, PEOPLE--

YOU KNOW?

YOU CAN'T WIN.

YOU GOT A TRUCK

WITH A BIG LIFT KIT--

PEOPLE, "OH, IT'S PROBABLY

'CAUSE HE HAS A LITTLE DICK."

HOW COME IT'S NOT 'CAUSE HE

HAS A DICK DOWN TO THE FLOOR?

MAYBE THAT'S WHY HE NEEDS

ALL THAT CLEARANCE, RIGHT?

[laughter]

YOU KNOW?

[laughs]

AND IF THAT MEANS YOU HAVE

A LITTLE DICK,

THEN IF I HAVE A PRIUS,

DOESN'T THAT MEAN

I HAVE A HUGE DICK, RIGHT?

'CAUSE ACCORDING TO MY FRIENDS,

IT MEANS I'M A FAG, RIGHT?

ANYWAYS...

LET ME TOWEL OFF HERE

FOR A MOMENT.

SO I FUCKING TAKE

THIS DOG DOWN

TO THIS TRAINER, RIGHT?

AND I SHOW UP,

GOT THE DOG IN THE BACK.

TRAINER COMES OUT.

HE'S GOT HIS HAT ON BACKWARDS,

HE'S GOT STUBBLE, YOU KNOW?

BIG, LARGE CARGO PANTS,

YOU KNOW?

ALL SHORTS ON AND STUFF

AND I'M THINKING,

"THIS GUY'S A PSYCHO,"

RIGHT?

AND I LOOK AT MY DOG,

MY DOG'S, LIKE, SIZING HIM UP.

I'M LIKE, "THIS IS PERFECT.

HE CAN HANDLE HER."

SO THE GUY GOES, "ALL RIGHT,

WHEN YOU HAND THIS DOG TO ME,

"MAKE SURE YOU GOT THE LEASH

TOTALLY TAUT LIKE THAT,

ALL RIGHT?

DON'T HAVE ANY SLACK IN IT."

I SAID, "NO PROBLEM,"

RIGHT?

AND SOMEHOW I FUCKED UP.

I LEFT A LITTLE SLACK IN IT,

AND THIS DOG JUST LUNGED

RIGHT AT THE DUDE'S BALLS.

RIGHT?

AND JUST BARELY MISSED HIM

AND JUST GOT A BIG MOUTHFUL

OF HIS BIG CARGO SHORTS, RIGHT?

AND IMMEDIATELY

HE JUST GRABS HER AND GOES,

"ALL RIGHT, GET OUTTA HERE!

GET OUTTA HERE!" RIGHT?

BUT INSTINCTUALLY,

I TRIED TO HELP OUT.

HE JUST GOES,

"GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE!"

YEAH, I DIDN'T REALIZE

THAT THE ONLY REASON WHY THE DOG

WAS ACTING LIKE THAT

WAS BECAUSE I WAS THERE

AND IT FELT LIKE

IT NEEDED TO PROTECT ME.

SO THE SECOND I LEFT,

THE SITUATION IMMEDIATELY

JUST BECAME AWKWARD, RIGHT?

DOG WAS JUST

SITTING THERE LIKE,

[valley accent]

"OKAY, LIKE I THOUGHT WERE,

"LIKE, TOGETHER

AND WE WERE, LIKE, FRIENDS,

"AND YOU WERE SOME BAD GUY,

"AND ALL OF A SUDDEN,

HE JUST DROVE AWAY,

"AND I DON'T KNOW HOW

TO FEED MYSELF.

YOU WANNA BE FRIENDS?"

YEAH, I COME BACK

FOUR DAYS LATER.

THE DOG'S LAYING

AT THE GUY'S FEET, RIGHT?

HE'S RUBBING HER BELLY.

SHE'S REACHING UP, PLAYING

WITH HIS GOATEE AND SHIT.

AND HE GOES,

"GO AHEAD, HAVE A SEAT.

WHY DON'T YOU, UH, TAKE ME

THROUGH YOUR DAY WITH THIS DOG."

IMMEDIATELY, I STARTED GETTING,

LIKE, THIS FIRST 48 VIBE, RIGHT?

LIKE THEY'RE COMING AT ME.

SO I GOT LIKE DEFENSIVE.

I'M LIKE, "WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

I TAKE IT FOR A HIKE

EVERY MORNING."

HE GOES, "THAT'S GOOD.

THAT'S GOOD.

ANYTHING, YOU KNOW,

SPECIAL HAPPEN ON THE HIKE?"

I'M LIKE, "WELL, I DON'T KNOW.

SHE TAKES A SHIT.

I PICK IT UP."

HE'S LIKE,

"ALL RIGHT. EASY.

YOU PLAY ANY GAMES WITH HER?"

I GO, "YEAH, AT THE END

OF THE HIKE.

"I LET HER, YOU KNOW, FOR REWARD

FOR GOING ON THE HIKE,

"I LET HER RUN UP THE STAIRS

BY HERSELF.

"I GO, 'GO ON, CLEO!'

I LET HER RUN UP THE STAIRS,

"AND I COUNT 5-1,000,

AND THEN I RUN UP THERE,

"AND THEN WE START WRESTLING.

PUT HER IN A HEADLOCK.

"SWEEP HER FRONT LEGS.

HAAAAH! RIGHT?

BUT HER TAIL'S WAGGING,

YOU KNOW?

SHE'S NOT GROWLING."

I GO, "THAT'S A GOOD THING,

RIGHT?"

HE'S LIKE,

"NO, IT'S FUCKING HORRIBLE."

I'M LIKE, "WHY?"

HE GOES,

"YOU JUST TAUGHT YOUR DOG

"TO CLAIM THE HOUSE

AND THEN FIGHT FOR IT

"EVERY FUCKING DAY

AFTER THE HIKE.

"NO WONDER THIS THING'S

TRYING TO ATTACK THE MAILMAN,

YOU KNOW?"

SO THEN I GOT UPSET.

I'M LIKE, "WAIT A MINUTE, DUDE,

YOU'RE TELLING ME, LIKE,

I CAN'T EVEN PLAY WITH MY DOG?"

HE'S LIKE,

"NO, YOU CAN PLAY WITH IT,

"BUT YOU GOTTA BRING

THAT ENERGY BACK DOWN.

"THE PROBLEM IS YOU KEEP

AMPING THIS THING UP,

"GETTING THAT MIKE SINGLETARY

LOOK ON HIS FACE.

"THEN BY THE TIME

YOU WALK OUT,

"DOESN'T MATTER

IF YOU'RE RELAXED--

"MENTALLY, THE DOG IS LIKE

WALKING THROUGH THE TUNNEL

"AT THE ROSE BOWL LIKE,

'THIS IS WHAT WE PLAY FOR!'

SOMEBODY HIT SOMEBODY!'"

YEAH, SO I'M ACTUALLY LEARNING

TO CONTROL MY TEMPER

BECAUSE OF

A FUCKING PIT BULL.

SO...I DON'T KNOW.

MY GIRL'S

BEEN BUGGING ME LATELY.

SHE'S READY TO SETTLE DOWN.

I THINK I'M READY

TO SETTLE DOWN, TOO, YOU KNOW?

I GOT THE WANT.

I KNOW I BEEN SAYING THIS SHIT

FOR YEARS.

I HAVE BEEN, YOU KNOW?

SHE'S GREAT.

THE ONLY THING I DON'T LIKE

IS SHE'S REALLY INTO REALITY TV.

SHE WATCHES

ALL THOSE DUMB SHOWS.

PUT TEN WHORES IN A HOUSE,

SOMEBODY TRIES TO FIND A WIFE.

RIGHT?

SHE WATCHES FAT PEOPLE CRY

ABOUT FUDGSICLES.

JUST BLUBBERING

THEIR EYES OUT.

"SOMETIMES I DON'T EVEN

OPEN THE WRAPPER.

"I JUST START EATING,

"AND THEN I GET

DOWN TO THE STICK,

AND I KNOW I SHOULD STOP

'CAUSE IT'S MADE OUT OF WOOD."

SHE SITS THERE CRYING

RIGHT ALONG WITH 'EM.

AH, THROW YOURSELF IN THE RIVER,

YOU FAT FUCK.

AH, SHE GETS SO MAD AT ME.

LOOK, I DON'T PUT ON TV

TO CRY.

I LIKE TO BE ENTERTAINED.

I LOVE WHEN THEY FALL

ON THE TREADMILL

AND GO FLYING

INTO THE DRYWALL.

IT'S LIKE SOME MODERN-DAY

MEDIEVAL WEAPON!

I LOVE IT!

ALL THOSE HORRIFIC SHOWS.

BIGGEST FIGHTS WE HAVE,

SHE WATCHES, UH, INTERVENTION.

- YEAH.

- THAT'S, UH--YOU LIKE THAT?

"OH, MY GOD, IT'S SO AWESOME

WATCHING A FAMILY

COMPLETELY FALL APART."

[laughs]

WHAT IS ENTERTAINING

ABOUT THAT?

WHEN THEY HAVE THAT CLASSIC

BEFORE PICTURE,

THE PRE-METH PICTURE--

"SHE WAS SO BEAUTIFUL.

SHE WAS THE PROM QUEEN.

EVERYBODY LOVED HER."

THEN THEY CUT TO HER, LIKE,

LAYING IN, LIKE, A GUTTER--

"I'LL SUCK YOUR DICK.

I'LL SUCK YOUR DICK.

I'LL SUCK YOUR DICK."

[laughs]

NO, WE HAVE THESE

HUGE BATTLES.

YOU KNOW WHAT THE MADDEST

SHE EVER GOT AT ME WAS?

ONE TIME SHE WAS WATCHING

THIS SHOW.

IT WAS LIKE A POOR EXCUSE

FOR THE VIEW,

AND THEY STARTED TALKING ABOUT

DOMESTIC VIOLENCE, RIGHT?

FOR THE 9 MILLIONTH TIME

THIS YEAR,

THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT

DOMESTIC VIOLENCE.

JUST IN CASE, YOU KNOW, YOU

DIDN'T GET THE MEMO, YOU KNOW?

EVIDENTLY, YOU KNOW, JUST SOME

PEOPLE DIDN'T GET IT.

IT'S NOT OKAY TO SLAM

YOUR WIFE'S HEAD

INTO THE CUPBOARD DRAWERS

BECAUSE SHE DIDN'T

DRY THE CAN OPENER OFF PROPERLY,

YOU KNOW?

"IT'S GONNA FUCKIN' RUST!"

RIGHT?

HOW DO YOU NOT KNOW

NOT TO DO THAT SHIT?

DO THEY REALLY HAVE TO

KEEP TALKING ABOUT IT?

WHO--WHO--IT'S LIKE

WIFE BEATERS ARE WATCHING--

"OH! FUCK! AH!

"NOW I GET IT.

UPSY-DAISY, SWEETHEART.

HERE WE GO.

THERE YA GO. OH..."

SO AT THE END OF THE HOUR,

THEY COME TO

THE LOGICAL CONCLUSION.

THEY'RE LIKE, [effeminately]

"THERE IS NO REASON

"TO HIT A WOMAN.

THERE IS NO REASON

TO HIT A WOMAN."

AND I WAS JUST LIKE,

"REALLY?"

I COULD GIVE YOU, LIKE, 17

RIGHT OFF THE TOP OF MY HEAD.

YOU COULD WAKE ME

FROM A DRUNKEN STUPOR,

I COULD STILL GIVE YOU,

LIKE, NINE!

DUDE, THERE'S PLENTY

OF REASONS TO HIT A WOMAN,

YOU JUST DON'T DO IT.

BUT TO SIT THERE AND SUGGEST

THAT THERE'S NO REASON...

DUDE, THE LEVEL OF EGO

BEHIND THAT STATEMENT...

WHAT ARE YOU, LEVITATING

ABOVE THE REST OF US?

YOU'RE NEVER ANNOYING?

WOMEN, HOW MANY TIMES

HAVE YOU THOUGHT ABOUT

SLAPPING YOUR FUCKING GUY

IN THE HEAD THIS WEEK?

- EVERY DAY!

- THERE YA GO!

EVERY DAY.

[applause]

YOU DIDN'T DO IT, RIGHT?

OH, DUDE, IT DRIVES ME NUTS.

"THERE'S NO REASON.

THERE'S NO REASON."

REALLY? NO REASON?

HOW 'BOUT THIS?

YOU MARRY A GIRL,

YOU FALL IN LOVE,

YOU BUY HER A HOUSE.

YOU GO TO WORK EVERY DAY,

PAYING OFF THE HOUSE.

YOU COME HOME ONE DAY,

SHE'S BANGING

THE NEXT-DOOR NEIGHBOR,

HANDS YOU DIVORCE PAPERS.

YOU GOTTA MOVE OUT,

SLEEP ON A FUTON,

AND STILL PAY FOR THAT HOUSE

THAT SHE'S GONNA STAY IN.

NO REASON?

[laughter]

I'M NOT SAYING

YOU SHOULD DO IT,

BUT THERE'S PLENTY

OF FUCKING REASONS

IN THAT ARC OF A STORY.

ALL RIGHT,

THAT WAS A HYPOTHETICAL.

YOU WANT AN ACTUAL STORY?

I'LL GIVE YOU ONE.

I'LL GIVE YOU ONE.

ALL RIGHT, I FUCKED UP MY FOOT

PLAYING DRUMS,

TRYING TO GET MY BASS-DRUM FOOT

AS FAST AS JOHN BONHAM'S,

'CAUSE I FIGURE THAT'S

A GOOD THING TO FOCUS ON.

43 YEARS OF AGE,

NEVER MARRIED, NO KIDS.

I FIGURE THIS IS GONNA

LEAD ME TO THE LIGHT, RIGHT?

THIS IS WHAT I NEED TO DO.

[applause]

SO I DON'T KNOW WHAT I DID.

I FELT LIKE--

I PLAYED FOR, LIKE, AN HOUR,

AND AFTERWARDS

I FELT LIKE, LITERALLY,

LIKE THERE WAS SOME MIDGET

STABBING ME IN THE BOTTOM

OF MY FOOT, RIGHT?

LIKE I HAD LIGHTNING COMING OUT

OF THE BOTTOM OF MY FOOT.

SO I DID THE TYPICAL

GUY THING:

"I'M NOT GOING TO THE HOSPITAL.

I'LL SLEEP IT OFF.

I'LL BE FINE," RIGHT?

NEXT MORNING, I WAKE UP,

MY FOOT'S EVEN WORSE

AND I GOTTA WALK

MY CRAZY DOG.

SO I'M LIKE, "I CAN'T DO IT.

MY FOOT'S KILLING ME."

SO I WAKE UP MY GIRL.

I GO, "SWEETHEART, SWEETHEART.

"CAN YOU DO ME A FAVOR?

CAN YOU DO ME A FAVOR?

"CAN YOU WALK THE DOG FOR ME?

CAN YOU JUST TAKE THE SHIFT?

"I'LL DO YOUR AFTERNOON SHIFT.

CAN YOU JUST DO ME THIS SOLID?

CAN YOU DO THIS FOR ME?"

SHE'S JUST LIKE, "OHH...

"YOU KNOW, I HAD

A LATE NIGHT LAST NIGHT.

I'M TIRED.

I HAVE A BIG DAY."

AND I JUST GO, "FUCK IT."

SHE GOES,

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN, 'FUCK IT'?"

IT'S LIKE, "WHY CAN'T YOU

JUST SAY NO?

"WHY DO YOU ALWAYS GOTTA,

LIKE, WATERBOARD ME

"WITH, LIKE,

A 20-MINUTE EXPLANATION

"THAT EVENTUALLY WINDS ITS WAY

AROUND TO 'GO FUCK YOURSELF'?

JUST SAY NO!"

SO I'M JUST LIMPING

OUT OF THE ROOM.

"WHATEVER. GO BACK TO BED.

YOU GOT A BIG DAY, RIGHT?"

SO NOW I'M, LIKE,

LIMPING DOWN THE STREET.

I GOT, LIKE, TOURETTE'S.

"FUCKING GODDAMN BULLSHIT!"

DOG'S WALKING NEXT TO ME--

"BBBRRR! RRRR! BRRR! RRRR!"

I GOTTA ADMIT,

I GOT A LITTLE CHILDISH.

I DID.

I GOT A LITTLE CHILDISH,

YOU KNOW?

I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT

MY RELATIONSHIP.

I'M LIKE, "THIS IS

THE RELATIONSHIP I'M IN?

"YOU'RE JUST GONNA DO WHATEVER

THE HELL YOU WANNA DO,

"ALL RIGHT, AND FUCK ME?

"FINE. I'M GONNA DO

WHATEVER THE HELL I WANNA DO.

"I FEEL LIKE LISTENING TO

MY IPOD ON FULL BLAST

"WALKING AROUND THE HOUSE.

THAT'S WHAT I'M GONNA DO."

SO THAT'S WHAT I DID.

TURNED IT ALL THE WAY UP,

AND I JUST--

MY WHOLE PLAN WAS JUST

TO WALK BY HER

LIKE I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW HER.

THAT WAS IT.

SHE CAME DOWN THE HALL.

I JUST GHOSTED HER.

JUST WALKED RIGHT PAST HER.

JUST TRYING TO PISS HER OFF.

AND I GOTTA TELL YOU SOMETHING,

WORKED LIKE A CHARM.

WORKED LIKE A CHARM.

YEAH, HUNG MY COAT UP,

TURNED AROUND.

BY THE TIME I TURNED AROUND,

SHE WAS ALREADY YELLING AT ME.

BUT THE MUSIC WAS SO LOUD,

NOT ONLY COULD I NOT HEAR HER,

IT ACTUALLY LOOKED LIKE

SHE WAS SINGING THE SONG

THAT I WAS LISTENING TO.

OH! IT'S ONE OF THE HIGHLIGHTS

OF THE RELATIONSHIP.

SO I KNEW WHAT

SHE WAS SAYING.

I WAS LIKE, "WHATEVER.

I DON'T WANNA TALK ABOUT IT.

LEAVE ME ALONE.

I'M GOING ON TO THE COMPUTER."

RIGHT? SO I LIMP OVER

AND I SIT DOWN,

AND UNBEKNOWNST TO ME

SHE'S LIKE, "NO,

WE'RE GONNA TALK ABOUT THIS

RIGHT NOW."

COMES UP--POOM! AND SLAPS

THE HEADPHONES OFF MY HEAD.

I GOT BIG EARS.

IT FUCKIN' HURT!

SO I'M LIKE,

"HONEY, LEAVE ME ALONE.

I DON'T WANNA TALK ABOUT IT."

PUT THE HEADPHONES BACK ON.

SHE COMES RIGHT BACK UP AGAIN.

POOM! SLAPS 'EM OFF

A LITTLE HARDER.

THIS TIME, THEY SPIN

HALFWAY AROUND MY HEAD.

CAVEMAN DNA

STARTS COMING UP.

TALKING THROUGH MY TEETH.

"HONEY, LEAVE ME ALONE.

DON'T WANNA TALK ABOUT IT."

RIGHT?

PUT 'EM ON.

THIRD TIME SHE COMES UP--POOM!

SLAPS 'EM RIGHT ACROSS THE ROOM,

AND I SNAP.

I'M LIKE, "FINE,

YOU WANNA HAVE THE FIGHT,

LET'S FUCKING HAVE THE FIGHT."

SHE'S LIKE,

"WE WILL DISCUSS THIS LATER

WHEN YOU CALM DOWN."

OH! RIGHT THERE!

I JUST WANTED TO ROLL HER UP

IN HER YOGA MAT

AND STUFF HER BEHIND THE COUCH.

JUST LEAVE HER THERE

TILL SHE GOT THIRSTY.

"COME ON, LET ME OUTTA HERE.

I-I HAVE A SPIN CLASS.

YOU'VE MADE YOUR POINT.

THIS IS RIDICULOUS."

NO, THAT'S THE THING.

REALLY IS.

THAT'S THE THING.

I HATE THAT,

SAYING THERE'S NO REASON.

OBVIOUSLY, I'M NOT SAYING

TO HIT A WOMAN, YOU KNOW?

BUT SAYING THERE'S NO REASON,

I THINK THAT'S CRAZY.

[laughter]

WHEN YOU SAY THERE'S NO REASON,

THAT KILLS ANY SORT OF

EXAMINATION

AS TO HOW TWO PEOPLE

ENDED UP AT THAT PLACE.

IF YOU SAY THERE'S NO REASON--

WHOOH--YOU CUT OUT THE BUILDUP,

YOU'RE JUST LEFT WITH

THE ACT.

HOW ARE YOU GONNA SOLVE IT

IF YOU DON'T FIGURE IT OUT?

LOOK HOW AWKWARD IT IS

IN HERE RIGHT NOW.

[cheers and applause]

I SAID YOU SHOULDN'T

HIT A WOMAN.

I'M JUST SAYING, HOW COME

YOU CAN'T ASK QUESTIONS?

YOU CAN ONLY ASK QUESTIONS

ABOUT WHAT THE GUY DID.

YOU CAN NEVER ASK

ABOUT THE WOMAN.

WHY IS THAT?

- [woman, indistinct]

- WHY IS THAT?

WHAT IS THAT?

- ANSWER HIM RIGHT.

- WHAT DOES

"ANSWER HIM RIGHT" MEAN?

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

ARE YOU THE IDIOT WHO GOT UP

HALFWAY THROUGH THE SPECIAL,

DURING THE BIT, AND YOU'RE,

LIKE, WALKING AROUND

LIKE I'M NOT FUCKING

TAPING A SPECIAL HERE?

WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?

WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?

[applause]

FUCKING HAD TO IGNORE

ALL OF THAT,

AND NOW YOU'RE GONNA,

LIKE, YELL OUT,

AND NOT ONLY THAT,

YELL SOMETHING THAT MAKES

NO FUCKING SENSE WHATSOEVER?

"ANSWER HIM.

ANSWER HIM."

[scattered tittering]

EVERY FUCKING SPECIAL I DO,

THERE'S ALWAYS ONE!

ALWAYS, RIGHT DOWN

THE FUCKIN' MIDDLE.

TALKING ABOUT

HITTING WOMEN, SWEETHEART,

AND I THINK YOU JUST ADDED

ANOTHER REASON.

[cheers and applause]

JESUS FUCKING CHRIST.

I LOVE THIS.

I'M NOT EVEN IN

A RELATIONSHIP WITH HER,

AND SHE'S FUCKING

NAGGING ME.

[laughter]

FUCKING UNBELIEV--

"UHHH UHHHH EHHH EHHH AH!"

[scattered laughter]

LOOK, I UNDERSTAND HITTING

A WOMAN'S A BAD THING, OKAY?

HOW COME YOU CAN'T

FUCKING ASK QUESTIONS?

I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND.

LIKE, IF I GET BIT

BY A RATTLESNAKE,

WOULDN'T YOU GUYS

HAVE SOME QUESTIONS, RIGHT?

"HOW DID IT HAPPEN?

DID YOU NOT SEE IT?

"WERE YA FUCKIN' WITH IT?

HOW DID A SNAKE GET SO MAD,

IT ALMOST KILLED YA?"

FIREMEN PUT OUT A FIRE,

THEY DON'T JUST

DRIVE AWAY AFTERWARDS.

THEY SIFT THROUGH THE DEBRIS.

"HOW DID IT START?

HERE'S AN OILY RAG."

RIGHT?

LOOK, I REALIZE I'M COMING OFF

PRETTY IGNORANT RIGHT ABOUT NOW.

I REALIZE THAT.

LET ME EXTEND

AN OLIVE BRANCH THEN, OKAY?

I REALIZE THAT THERE'S SOME

ANIMAL GUYS OUT THERE, OKAY?

HORRIBLE GUYS, YOU KNOW,

HAVE A ROUGH DAY AT THE FACTORY,

COME HOME--

"TUNA CASSEROLE?"--

AND JUST START SWINGING,

ALL RIGHT?

I'M NOT TRYING TO SAY

THAT THOSE PEOPLE DON'T EXIST.

I REALIZE THEY EXIST.

THEY SHOULD BE BURIED

UNDERNEATH THE PRISON, OKAY?

SO IF I CAN ADMIT THAT,

LADIES, CAN YOU AT LEAST ADMIT

THAT EVERY ASS-KICKING

DOESN'T JUST FALL OUT OF

THE FUCKING SKY?

REALLY?

EVEN HOCKEY HAS TWO MINUTES

FOR INSTIGATING, RIGHT?

THEY UNDERSTAND THAT SOME

BACK AND FORTH HAPPENED

BEFORE THAT SHIT--

YOU KNOW?

YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS?

IT'S EVERY CASE IS HANDLED

LIKE THAT RIHANNA ONE

WHERE THEY JUST SAY

THE GUY'S A PIECE OF SHIT,

FUCK THIS GUY, BLAH BLAH BLAH,

SEND HIM TO JAIL,

AND THEN THEY NEVER ASK

ANYTHING ABOUT THAT.

YOU KNOW, I'M NOT SAYING

HE SHOULD HAVE DONE IT.

BUT I'M JUST SAYING...

I'M JUST SAYING!

DUDE,

IN YOUR HEART OF HEARTS...

WHAT DO YOU THINK WAS GOING DOWN

BEFORE THAT HAPPENED?

YOU THINK SHE WAS JUST

SITTING THERE GOING,

"OH, MY GOD, BASKIN ROBBINS.

YOU WANNA GET SOME ICE CREAM?"

[muttering]

"AH...FUCKIN'..."

YOU KNOW?

OR DO YOU THINK MAYBE

THEY WERE HAVING

SOME EPIC END-OF-

THE-RELATIONSHIP FIGHT

AND SOME CRAZY SHIT

WAS BEING SAID.

MAYBE SHE WAS SCREAMING

IN HIS EAR

SOME CRAZY FEMALE SHIT LIKE,

"I'LL FUCK ALL YOUR FRIENDS!

"I DON'T GIVE A FUCK!

MAYBE THAT'S WHY I SELL MORE

ALBUMS THAN YOU, MOTHERFUCKER!"

RIGHT?

TO BE FAIR, SHE COULD HAVE

JUST BEEN SITTING THERE GOING,

"I NEED A TISSUE--DO YOU KEEP

THOSE IN THE GLOVE BOX?

OH, MY GOD, I'LL BRING MY OWN!

I'LL BRING MY OWN!"

NO, FUCK THAT.

'CAUSE YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS?

THEY NEVER ADDRESS

HOW WOMEN ARGUE,

WHICH I THINK IS A CORE

OF A LOT OF THAT SHIT, YOU KNOW?

AND I GOTTA TELL YOU

SOMETHING, MAN.

LIKE, I NEVER KNEW

HOW WOMEN ARGUED,

BUT AFTER 20 YEARS OF LOSING

EVERY SIGNIFICANT BATTLE

IN A RELATIONSHIP,

I FINALLY FIGURED OUT

HOW THEY ARGUED,

AND I'M GONNA

TELL YOU SOMETHING.

I'M STARTING TO TURN

THIS FRANCHISE AROUND.

[laughs]

I HAVE BEGUN

A WINNING TRADITION.

THIS IS HOW THEY ARGUE,

AS FAR AS I CAN TELL, ALL RIGHT?

IF THEY'RE RIGHT,

THEY ARGUE THE POINT,

AND THEY STAY ON POINT

AND MAKE SURE YOU STAY ON POINT

UNTIL YOU'RE DOWN ON YOUR KNEES

APOLOGIZING,

BEGGING FOR FORGIVENESS,

ALL RIGHT?

NO PROBLEM WITH THAT.

TOTALLY RESPECT IT.

BUT HERE'S THE THING--

IF THEY'RE WRONG,

THEY GO ROGUE.

THEY GO OFF-ROAD.

THEY START THINKING OF SHIT

YOU'RE SENSITIVE ABOUT,

MAYBE YOU DON'T GET ALONG

WITH YOUR DAD,

AND IN THEIR HEAD,

THEY JUST START CONCOCTING

THIS EVIL STATEMENT...

TOTALLY DESIGNED.

THIS DESPERATE,

HAIL-MARY ATTEMPT

TO MAKE YOU

SO FUCKING MAD

YOU JUST CALL 'EM A CUNT.

IT'S WHAT IT IS.

AND CUNT TRUMPS

ALL THE BULLSHIT THEY DID

TO START THE ARGUMENT.

NOW IT'S NOT ABOUT THAT--

"WELL, THAT'S NO REASON

TO CALL ME A CUNT!"

AND THEN THAT'S IT.

YOU'RE IN THIS ROOM NOW, RIGHT?

MY GIRL KNOWS

MY BIG THING IS--

MY BIG FEAR IN LIFE

IS TO BE THAT DUDE

WHO GROWS OLD, YOU KNOW,

GROWS OLD ALONE,

HAS, LIKE,

THAT BASEMENT APARTMENT,

JUST SCREAMING UP

AT THE YOUNGER COUPLE,

"TURN IT DOWN!

THAT ISN'T MUSIC!"

SO I NOTICED THAT ANYTIME

SHE WAS LOSING A FIGHT,

OUT OF NOWHERE

SHE'D JUST BE LIKE,

"WELL, THAT'S WHY YOU'RE JUST

GONNA GROW OLD AND BE ALONE,"

AND THEN I'D--AAAAH!

I'D LOSE MY SHIT.

THE NEXT THING YOU KNOW,

I'M IN THE KITCHEN,

WASHING DISHES FOR THE NINTH

FUCKING TIME IN A ROW.

THIS IS WHAT

THE ARGUMENT WAS ABOUT.

I WAS SO RIGHT.

WHAT HAPPENED?

SO IF YOU LEARN ANYTHING

FROM MY IGNORANCE TONIGHT,

JUST KNOW THIS--

NEXT TIME YOU'RE IN A BATTLE

WITH YOUR BEAUTIFUL WOMAN,

YOUR WIFE, GIRLFRIEND, WHATEVER,

AND THEY START--

OUT OF NOWHERE, OKAY?

YOU'RE WINNING,

AND THEY JUST START SAYING

THAT CRAZY SHIT

OUT OF NOWHERE.

JUST KNOW IN THAT MOMENT

YOU'VE WON THE FIGHT, OKAY?

ALL RIGHT?

DON'T GET MAD.

BOB AND WEAVE,

SLIP ALL OF THAT SHIT.

"MAYBE 'CAUSE YOU GOT

A LITTLE DICK!"

JUST LET THAT SLIDE.

STAY IN THE POCKET

OF THE ARGUMENT.

OKAY? IT'S OVER.

THE ARGUMENT IS OVER.

YOU'VE WON.

JUST TAKE A KNEE AND RUN

OUT THE CLOCK, ALL RIGHT?

[applause]

YES!

LEAN ON THE ROPES.

LET 'EM PUNCH THEMSELVES OUT.

AND THEN IN THE END,

YOU THROW THEIR PSYCHOLOGY

RIGHT BACK AT 'EM.

"WELL, MAYBE WE SHOULD

DISCUSS IT LATER

WHEN YOU CALM DOWN."

AND THEY WON'T HOOK UP WITH YOU

FOR A COUPLE OF DAYS.

WHO CARES?

WHO CARES?

YOU RUB ONE OUT.

RUB ONE OUT LIKE A MAN.

IT'S THE CHAMPAGNE OF VICTORY.

[laughter and applause]

NO, THAT'S WHAT I'VE LEARNED.

I FINALLY LEARNED

TO, LIKE, KEEP MY COOL

IN MY RELATIONSHIP.

HAPPENED A COUPLE YEARS AGO,

RIGHT?

ME AND MY GIRL HAD THIS

BIG ARGUMENT ONE DAY, RIGHT?

ACTUALLY, YOU GUYS

WANNA HEAR A STORY?

YOU WANNA HEAR ABOUT THE TIME

MY GIRL PUNCHED ME IN THE FACE?

- YEAH!

- ON HER BIRTHDAY?

YA WANNA HEAR THAT ONE?

[audience whooping]

THIS IS WHAT HAPPENED.

TO BE--[laughs]

IF I'M REALLY HONEST,

THE FIGHT STARTED,

LIKE, THREE MONTHS EARLIER.

IT'S, LIKE,

THE MIDDLE OF MARCH.

WE'RE JUST DRIVING AROUND,

YOU KNOW.

SINCE SHE SEES

THIS CLOTHING STORE,

SHE'S LIKE, "OH, MY GOD.

"I DIDN'T KNOW THEY HAD

ONE OF THOSE OUT HERE!

WE NEED TO STOP

AND GO IN THERE."

SO I--FUCK IT.

LET'S GO IN THERE.

I WALK IN, IMMEDIATELY I SEE

IT'S ONE OF THESE STORES

THAT DOESN'T HAVE ANY CHAIRS.

I KNOW WHAT

THEY'RE TRYING TO DO.

I'M GONNA BE STANDING

RIGHT NEXT TO HER,

AND WHEN SHE LIKES SOMETHING,

I GOTTA BUY IT.

I DON'T GIVE A FUCK.

I'M NOT PLAYING THAT.

I GO OVER AND I SIT DOWN

UNDERNEATH A MANNEQUIN.

GOT LIKE THE DRESS

HANGING IN MY HAIR.

"SIR, YOU CAN'T SIT THERE."

"I DON'T GIVE A FUCK.

LOOKS LIKE I'M DOING IT.

LOOKS LIKE I'M DOING IT, RIGHT?"

[laughs]

SO UNBEKNOWNST TO ME,

SHE FINDS SOME SWEATER

THAT SHE LIKES, RIGHT?

SOME RIDICULOUSLY PRICED--

LIKE, 400 BUCKS

OR SOME SHIT LIKE THAT,

RIGHT?

SO SHE KNOWS...

IT'S NOT HER BIRTHDAY,

NONE OF THAT CRAP.

SHE CAN'T ASK ME FOR IT.

SO NOW SHE'S GOTTA GO

INTO MANIPULATION MODE.

"WHAT DO I USE,

WHAT DO I USE?

"DO I BE SAD, DO I POUT?

DO I USE SEX?

CAN'T DO THAT."

YOU KNOW WHAT SHE WENT WITH?

SHE WENT WITH THE LITTLE GIRL.

ALL RIGHT, SHE JUST CAME OUT,

AND SHE'S JUST LIKE...

[laughter]

I'M LIKE, "WHAT'S UP?"

SHE'S LIKE,

[pouty] "SAW SOMETHING

THAT I LIKED."

[laughter]

AND I JUST WANTED

TO BE LIKE,

"WELL, THEN WHY DON'T YOU

FUCKING PAY FOR IT?"

HA HA HA!

SO SHE GOES OVER

AND SHE SHOWS IT TO ME, RIGHT?

AND I'M LIKE,

"IT'S 400 BUCKS."

SHE GOES, "CAN YOU GET IT?"

I GO, "NO. I'M NOT DOING THAT.

"FUCK THAT.

IT'S NOT YOUR BIRTHDAY.

"IT'S NOT VALENTINE'S DAY.

IT'S MARCH.

"WHAT, DO I GET YOU THAT

FOR ST. PATRICK'S DAY?

GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE.

I'M NOT DOING IT."

[laughs]

SO THEN WHAT HAPPENED,

WE'RE DRIVING HOME,

AND SOMEHOW

SHE MANIPULATED THE ARGUMENT--

NOT THAT SHE ASKED

FOR THE SWEATER

AND NOT THAT I SAID NO--

IT WAS THE WAY I SAID NO, RIGHT?

GOT IN THIS HUGE ARGUMENT.

GOT SO MAD BY THE TIME

WE GOT BACK TO THE HOUSE,

I JUST TOLD HER TO GET OUT,

I'M DRIVING AWAY.

SO I JUST DROVE AWAY

IN THE PRIUS--WHOOSH. RIGHT?

SO I WAS SO FUCKED UP ABOUT IT,

I HAD TO CALL MY SISTER UP,

RIGHT, CALL HER UP TO GET

A FEMALE PERSPECTIVE.

SHE'S LAUGHING HER ASS OFF

GOING, "YOU TOOK ALL THE BAIT.

YOU'RE AN IDIOT."

I GO, "WHAT DO I DO?

SHE GOES, "WHY DON'T YOU

GO BACK DOWN TO THE STORE

"AND JUST BUY THE SWEATER,

HOLD ONTO IT,

AND GIVE IT TO HER A FEW MONTHS

LATER FOR HER BIRTHDAY?"

AND I'M LIKE,

"FUCKING GENIUS! GENIUS!"

I HATE THE PRESSURE

OF THE BIRTHDAY,

ALL HER FRIENDS--

[effeminately] "SO...

WHAT ARE YOU GETTING HER?

WHAT ARE YOU GONNA GET HER?"

"FUCKING SWEATER, BITCH."

BAM!

THAT'S IT.

GOT IT.

ALL RIGHT?

FAST-FORWARD THREE MONTHS.

IT'S HER BIRTHDAY, RIGHT?

I'M LAYING IN BED,

SHE WAKES UP,

SHE WANTED TO GO TO SOME

RESTAURANT THAT NIGHT.

SHE'S LIKE, "DID YOU MAKE

THE RESERVATIONS?"

I'M LIKE, "I HAVEN'T MADE 'EM

YET, BUT WE'LL, YOU KNOW,

WE'LL BE GOOD, RIGHT?"

SHE STARTS FREAKING OUT.

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

IT'S MY BIRTHDAY.

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN

YOU DIDN'T MAKE--

DIDN'T MAKE THE RESERVATIONS?"

I'M LIKE, "SWEETHEART,

IT'S A TUESDAY

"IN THE MIDDLE

OF A RECESSION.

I'M SURE THERE'S GONNA

BE A TABLE," RIGHT?

SO SHE STARTS FREAKING OUT.

IN THE BACK OF MY HEAD,

I'M LIKE, "I GOT THIS SWEATER.

I'M GOOD, RIGHT?"

SO THE MORE SHE YELLS AT ME,

THE FUNNIER IT BECOMES TO ME,

BUT LIKE AN ASSHOLE,

RATHER THAN LAUGHING TO MYSELF,

I SORT OF SNICKERED

OUT LOUD, RIGHT?

SORT OF GIGGLED A COUPLE TIMES,

AND SHE JUST SNAPPED,

LIKE, "ARE YOU LAUGHING AT ME?

ARE YOU LAUGHING AT ME

ON MY BIRTHDAY?"

AND THEN THE MORE SHE YELLED,

THE MORE I LAUGHED.

THE MORE I LAUGHED,

THE MORE SHE YELLED,

AND IT WAS JUST THIS VICIOUS

FUCKING THING

ALL THE WAY UP, RIGHT?

SHE GOT ALL THE WAY

TO THE POINT

SHE WAS STANDING

AT THE BACK DOOR GOING,

"YOU GONNA LAUGH AT ME

ON MY BIRTHDAY?

FUCK YOU!"

BOOM! SLAMS THE DOOR.

DUH-DUH-DUH-DUH.

RUNS DOWN THE STAIRS.

AT THAT POINT,

I'M LITERALLY

IN THE FETAL POSITION,

LIKE, DYING LAUGHING,

WALKING TOWARDS THE BATHROOM.

THEN ALL OF A SUDDEN I HEAR,

BUH-BUH-BUH-BUH-BUH!

SHE CAME BACK UP THE STAIRS.

AND I'M NOT GONNA LIE TO YA,

I GOT A LITTLE SCARED

FOR HALF A SECOND.

NAH, I DID.

I WAS IN MY UNDERWEAR,

I WAS FEELING VULNERABLE.

SHE COMES FLYING

INTO THE BATHROOM,

AND THE SECOND I SAW HER FACE,

I KNEW SHE WAS GONNA HIT ME.

RIGHT?

AND I'M SUCH AN ASSHOLE,

I ACTUALLY HAVE A GAME PLAN FOR

WHEN A WOMAN'S GONNA HIT YOU.

LIKE THAT'S HOW MANY WOMEN

I'VE PISSED OFF IN MY LIFETIME.

I ACTUALLY KNOW

IT'S GOING DOWN.

THIS IS HOW IT IS.

MOST WOMEN, THEY'RE FLAILERS.

ALL RIGHT, UNLESS THEY HAD

SOME SORT OF MMA TRAINING,

THEN YOU'RE ON YOUR OWN.

YOU'RE PROBABLY GONNA

CATCH A FEW, RIGHT?

BUT MOST OF THEM ARE FLAILERS.

MOST ARE RIGHT-HANDED.

SO YOU GOTTA GUESS

OVERHAND RIGHT.

THAT'S THE FIRST THING

YOU GOTTA GUESS.

SO YOU GET DOWN

IN THE POCKET, RIGHT?

THAT OVERHAND RIGHT COMES IN.

BAM! YOU CATCH THAT WRIST.

SECOND THE RIGHT'S COMING,

YOU KNOW THE LEFT'S COMING.

BAM! YOU CATCH THAT ONE.

THIS IS THE CRUCIAL MOMENT.

SECOND YOU GOT THE RIGHT,

THE NEXT, THEN YOU GOT THE LEFT,

IMMEDIATELY,

YOU GOTTA STEP BACK,

AND YOU GOTTA GO LIKE THIS.

[cheers and applause]

'CAUSE SHE'S GONNA TRY

TO KICK YOU RIGHT IN THE BALLS.

AS SHE KICKS YOU,

THEN YOU SPIN 'EM AROUND,

TUCK YOUR HEAD DOWN LOW,

'CAUSE THEY WILL TRY

TO HEADBUTT YOU,

AND THEN YOU JUST USE

THE WEIGHT OF YOUR TORSO

TO SLOWLY BRING 'EM DOWN

TO THE FLOOR

AS YOU WHISPER SWEET THINGS:

"OH, LOOK AT THE TILES.

"REMEMBER

YOU PICKED THOSE OUT?

THEY GO SO WELL

WITH THE WALLPAPER."

RIGHT?

[applause]

BUT SHE TRICKED ME.

SHE CAME INTO THE BATHROOM.

SHE INVENTED THIS NEW PUNCH.

SHE DIDN'T THROW A RIGHT.

SHE DIDN'T THROW A LEFT.

SHE CAME UP

WITH THIS TWO-FISTED--

I CALLED IT, LIKE,

THE DEFIBRILLATOR, RIGHT?

SHE CAUGHT ME IN THE SHOULDER

AND, LIKE, IN MY APPENDIX,

JUST FUCKIN'--WHAM!

LIKE THAT.

ALMOST WENT FLYING BACK

INTO THE BATHTUB.

AND I CAUGHT MYSELF,

AND SHE'S ALL READY FOR ME

TO TAKE THE BAIT AND FLIP OUT.

I DIDN'T.

I JUST REMAINED CALM.

I WAS JUST LIKE,

"SWEETHEART...

I THINK YOU NEED

TO GO TO WORK NOW."

SHE DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.

SHE WAS LIKE...[panting]

AND SHE JUST WALKED OUT.

ALL RIGHT?

WENT DOWN TO THE CAR,

DROVE TO WORK.

I WALKED OUT IN THE KITCHEN.

I GOT SOME CHEERIOS.

SAT DOWN AND STARTED

WATCHING SPORTSCENTER.

[laughs]

FUCKING THREE MINUTES LATER,

ALL OF A SUDDEN THE PHONE RINGS.

ALL RIGHT, PICK UP THE PHONE

AND I JUST HEAR HER GOING,

[stiffly]

"HI.

OKAY.

THINGS GOT A LITTLE CRAZY."

I'M LIKE,

"A LITTLE CRAZY?

YOU ALMOST SPLIT MY HEAD OPEN

IN THE GODDAMN TUB."

"I'M SORRY, I'M JUST--

I'M PASSIONATE."

THAT'S WHAT THEY SAY

WHEN THEY START SWINGING.

"I'M PASSIONATE.

"I JUST HAVE SO MUCH LOVE

FOR YOU...

I TRY TO CAUSE YOU

TO HAVE A SEIZURE."

I DON'T KNOW.

I'M GOOD AT THIS.

I FUCK UP MY PERSONAL LIFE

ALL THE TIME NOW.

I REALLY DO, YOU KNOW?

I'M AFRAID

TO GET MARRIED, MAN.

WHY WOULD--AS--WHAT MAN

WOULDN'T BE AFRAID

TO GET MARRIED

AT THIS POINT?

LOOK AT KOBE.

LOOK AT THE SHIT

HE'S GOING THROUGH RIGHT NOW.

ALL RIGHT?

GUY'S GETTING A DIVORCE.

HIS WIFE'S GONNA GET

70 MILLION BUCKS.

NEVER HIT A LAYUP

IN HER LIFE.

YOU KNOW?

CAN ANYBODY EXPLAIN...

THESE DIVORCE SETTLEMENTS?

CAN ANYBODY MAKE SENSE

OF THESE FUCKING THINGS?

TIGER WOODS'S WIFE--

$250 MILLION!

SHE'S A BABYSITTER

WORTH 1/4 OF A BILLION

FUCKING DOLLARS!

SOMEBODY, GO AHEAD--

SOMEBODY EXPLAIN--

JUSTIFY IT.

JUSTIFY IT.

WHAT, WHAT?

HE CHEATED ON HER?

I DON'T GIVE A FUCK!

YEAH, I DON'T GIVE A FUCK.

HE CHEATED ON HER.

GREAT. THE RELATIONSHIP'S

OVER RIGHT THEN.

KOBE CHEATED, RIGHT?

SHOULDN'T THAT RELATIONSHIP

HAVE BEEN OVER RIGHT THEN?

WHY DID SHE HANG AROUND LIKE

SOME JADED COP FOR THREE YEARS,

TRYING TO GET

HER FUCKING PENSION, RIGHT?

GET THAT TEN YEARS IN?

[laughs]

I DON'T KNOW.

MAYBE THAT'S TOO HARSH.

THAT SHIT

BOTHERS ME, MAN.

DUDE, THERE IS AN EPIDEMIC

OF GOLD-DIGGING WHORES

IN THIS COUNTRY.

[laugher, applause]

AND EVERY NIGHT

I PUT ON THE NEWS,

AND I'M WAITING

FOR SOMEONE TO ADDRESS IT.

EVERY NIGHT.

NEVER SEE IT, YOU KNOW?

AND EVERY NIGHT

I BRING UP GOLD-DIGGING WHORES,

AND THE WHOLE CROWD

PULLS BACK

LIKE I'M UP HERE

TALKING ABOUT BIGFOOT, RIGHT?

LIKE I'M SAYING THE MOON'S

MADE OUT OF CHEESE OR SOMETHING.

TALKING ABOUT WHORES, PEOPLE!

THEY'RE EVERYWHERE!

HOW MANY?

HOW MANY MORE GREAT MEN

ARE GONNA GET CHOPPED IN HALF

BEFORE WE DO SOMETHING?

WHY IS IT SO QUIET

IN HERE?

[laughter]

GODDAMN!

I DON'T GET IT.

WHAT IS IT--WOMEN,

DO YOU THINK I'M CALLING YOU--

I'M NOT CALLING ANY WOMAN

HERE A WHORE, OKAY?

SO DON'T PULL BACK.

THAT'S NOT FAIR, OKAY?

IF YOU BROUGHT UP WIFE BEATERS,

I WOULDN'T--UHH--PULL BACK.

I GET IT.

THERE'S GUYS HITTING WOMEN.

THEY NEED TO BE STOPPED.

WE GOTTA UNDERSTAND

THAT GOLD-DIGGING WHORES

ARE THE WIFE BEATERS

FOR MEN.

YEAH, THEY ARE.

EXCEPT WE DON'T HAVE THAT

RIHANNA LUMPED UP PHOTO

IN THE END,

SO IT'S NOT OBVIOUS.

IT'S IN THE EYES.

IT'S IN THE LINES IN YOUR FACE.

IT'S IN MEL GIBSON'S

HIGH-PITCHED VOICE

ON THE ANSWERING MACHINE:

"I HAD TO GIVE UP

MY LAKER TICKETS!" RIGHT?

THAT IS THE SOUND OF A MAN BEING

TAKEN FOR EVERYTHING HE'S GOT.

I GOTTA TELL YOU,

I'M ENVIOUS OF WOMEN, OKAY?

I'M NOT SAYING

YOUR PROBLEMS GET SOLVED,

BUT AT LEAST

THEY'RE TAKEN SERIOUSLY.

YOU KNOW?

YOU GOT 1-800 NUMBERS,

YOU GOT RIBBONS,

THERE'S GROUPS.

PEOPLE GIVE A SHIT.

ANYTHING HAPPENS TO A GUY,

IT'S JUST CONSIDERED FUNNY.

SOME WOMAN CUT HER HUSBAND'S

DICK OFF,

THREW IT IN

THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL,

AND TURNED IT ON.

PEOPLE THOUGHT IT WAS HILARIOUS!

THEY WERE, "AHHHH!

HEY, STUMPY!"

NOBODY CARES.

DO YOU THINK IF A GUY

REMOVED A WOMAN'S TITTY

AND THREW IT IN THE DRYER,

ANYBODY WOULD BE JOKING

ABOUT IT THE NEXT DAY?

THE ENTIRE COUNTRY

WOULD GRIND TO A HALT.

THERE'D BE A MOMENT

OF SILENCE.

THE NFL WOULD HAVE SOME

SPECIAL-COLORED HEADBAND

EVERYBODY HAD TO WEAR

FOR AN ENTIRE MONTH.

THE MOST EFFEMINATE COLOR THEY

COULD POSSIBLY COME UP WITH.

ALL MY HEROES

ARE GOING DOWN.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER.

ANOTHER GREAT MAN.

ANOTHER GREAT MAN.

TAKEN DOWN BY THAT GOLD-DIGGING

WHORE OF A MAID HE'S GOT.

AND I'M NOT SAYING

HE'S NOT A PIECE OF SHIT

FOR DOING WHAT HE DID--

IT WAS A PIECE OF SHIT MOVE--

BUT HOW COME ONLY HE

GOT CHASTISED?

WHAT ABOUT THE MAID?

WHY WAS SHE CALLED THE MAID

THAT ENTIRE STORY?

SHE WAS NEVER CALLED A WHORE.

EVER.

JUST BOGGLES MY MIND.

SHE KNEW HIS WIFE,

FIRST-NAME BASIS.

PLAYED WITH THEIR KIDS,

FUCKED HER HUSBAND

IN THEIR OWN GODDAMN BED.

THAT'S RIGHT DOWN

THE CHECKLIST--

FIRST BALLOT

HALL OF FAME WHORE.

RIGHT THERE.

[applause]

NEVER. WHY DO YOU THINK

SHE HOOKED UP WITH HIM?

BECAUSE OF THAT 1987 FLATTOP

HE'S STILL ROCKIN'?

THE GIANT SPACE

BETWEEN HIS TEETH

I COULD PUT

THIS MIC CORD THROUGH?

OR DO YOU THINK MAYBE IT'S ALL

THAT KINDERGARTEN COP MONEY

LAYING AROUND

THE GODDAMN BEDROOM?

OH, IT'S AWFUL.

IT'S A HORRIFIC THING

TO SEE AS A GUY--

WATCHING GUYS

GO THROUGH THAT SHIT, YOU KNOW?

AND THEN THERE'S NO SORT OF

EXAMINATION OF IT.

THEY JUST GO, "AH, HE'S

AN IDIOT. EH, HE'S STUPID."

THAT GUY'S STUPID?

IF THAT GUY'S STUPID,

WHAT THE FUCK AM I, RIGHT?

HA.

DOES IT EVEN MAKE SENSE?

WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?

WHY WOULD YOU ACCOMPLISH

ALL THAT

AND THEN FUCK IT UP

HOOKING UP WITH ONE OF

THE UGLIEST HUMAN BEINGS

I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE?

I'M NOT SAYING

I'M A PRIZE.

I'M JUST SAYING, YOU KNOW?

[scattered titters]

IT'S GOTTA BE SOMETHING

BEYOND THAT, RIGHT?

YOU KNOW WHAT I THINK IT IS?

I THINK IT COMES DOWN

TO THE WAY HE TALKS, YOU KNOW?

[grunting gibberish

with accent]

THAT DUDE SHOULD BE UNLOADING

TRUCKS IN TRANSYLVANIA.

THAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN

THE HEIGHT OF HIS SUCCESS.

BUT BECAUSE HE'S A GREAT MAN,

HE HAD THE BALLS

TO MOVE TO AMERICA,

BECAME FAMOUS

FOR LIFTING WEIGHTS.

I LIFT WEIGHTS.

NOBODY GIVES A SHIT.

HE LIFTS WEIGHTS--

"AAH, AAH, AAH!"

BECOMES SUPER FAMOUS.

DID HE REST ON HIS LAURELS?

NO. NEXT CHALLENGE:

"I'M GONNA BECOME AN ACTOR

DESPITE THE FACT THAT NOBODY

CAN REALLY UNDERSTAND ME."

AGAINST ALL ODDS,

HE STARTS MAKING MOVIES.

"GET DOWN! THERE'S A BOMB.

GET OUT OF THERE!"

[laughter]

BECOMES ONE OF THE BIGGEST

BLOCKBUSTER STARS OF ALL TIME.

"WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO NEXT,

ARNIE?"

"I THINK I'LL MARRY

A KENNEDY."

"THERE'S NO FUCKING WAY

YOU CAN DO THAT."

BAM! HE DOES IT.

CHERRY ON TOP.

I'M RUNNING FOR GOVERNOR OF

A STATE I CAN'T EVEN PRONOUNCE,

AND HE WINS THE ELECTION.

WHY WOULDN'T THIS GUY

THINK HE COULDN'T BANG HIS MAID

IN HIS OWN BED

AND GET AWAY WITH IT?

THIS DUDE HAS BEEN IN THE ZONE

FOR OVER FOUR DECADES!

FOUR DECADES--

NOTHIN' BUT NET.

BANG A MAID

IN MY OWN BED?

DUDE, THAT'S A LAYUP.

ARE YOU SERIOUS?

I HAD A HIT MOVIE

WITH A MIDGET.

I DON'T EVEN NEED

A CONDOM.

[silly voice]

UHHH, UHHH, UHHH, UHHH!

RIGHT?

AND THEN WHAT HAPPENS?

THE SMOKE CLEARS.

THEN ALL THESE TROLLS

COME OUT OF THE WOODWORK

AND START JUDGING

THIS GREAT MAN.

ALL THESE FATTIES,

THESE FUCKING OLD GUYS

WHO NEVER GOT ANY

WITH THEIR JOWLS.

COMING ON TV--

[blubbery voice] "ABSOLUTELY

REPREHENSIBLE BEHAVIOR.

"WHAT KIND OF

A PUBLIC SERVANT...

HIS LEGACY IS--"

[gibberish]

[laughs]

LIKE THEY HAVE ANY IDEA

WHAT IT'S LIKE TO BE TEMPTED

AT THAT LEVEL, RIGHT?

LIKE THEY HAVE GROUPIES

AS THEY WADDLE OUT

TO THEIR MERCURY TRACER

PARKED ON THE OTHER SIDE

OF A DUMPSTER.

REALLY?

YOU'RE BEATING THEM OFF?

THIS GUY, HE'S NOT

A GREAT MAN ANYMORE?

TERMINATOR DOESN'T COUNT?

IS THAT WHAT THE FUCK

YOU'RE TELLING ME?

'CAUSE HE FUCKED ALICE?

REALLY?

HE'S STILL NOT A GREAT MAN

BECAUSE HE DID THAT,

THEN THE WHOLE THING'S OVER?

ANYBODY HERE THINK THEY COULD

MOVE TO AUSTRIA,

LEARN THE LANGUAGE,

BECOME FAMOUS FOR WORKING OUT,

THEN BE A MOVIE STAR,

THEN MARRY INTO THEIR ROYALTY,

AND HOLD PUBLIC OFFICE?

HOW MANY LIFETIMES

WOULD YOU NEED--

I'M ON MY THIRD ATTEMPT

AT ROSETTA STONE SPANISH.

ALL RIGHT?

HOW CAN I JUDGE THESE GUYS?

I CAN BARELY HANDLE

THE TEMPTATIONS OF FACEBOOK.

I'M GONNA JUDGE

TIGER WOODS?

I GOLF.

I DON'T WALK OFF THE 18TH HOLE,

AND THERE'S A BUSLOAD

OF SCANDINAVIAN WOMEN

WAITING TO FUCK

MY BRAINS OUT.

"SORRY, LADIES, GOTTA GO HOME

TO THE WIFE," RIGHT?

NO, IT KILLS ME.

AND THERE'S NO HELP OUT THERE

FOR GUYS.

THERE ISN'T.

THERE'S NOTHING OUT THERE

TO HELP YOU HANDLE

BECOMING RICH AND FAMOUS.

THERE'S NOTHING TO PREPARE YOU

FOR THAT PLATOON OF WHORES

THAT'S GONNA FORM

ON THE HORIZON, RIGHT?

LIKE BRAVEHEART--

FACES PAINTED, SKIRTS ON.

WE'LL RUN DOWN THE HILL.

THEY'LL JUMP ON YOUR DICK

IN FRONT OF YOUR WIFE.

THEY DON'T GIVE A SHIT.

THERE'S NOT EVEN

A HANDBOOK OUT THERE.

I SAW ONE ARTICLE

WRITTEN ABOUT IT

ON THE COVER

OF TIME MAGAZINE.

IT SAID, "WHY DO SO MANY RICH,

RAMOUS, AND POWERFUL MEN

ACT LIKE ABSOLUTE PIGS?"

RIGHT?

AND THE ARTICLE WAS ACTUALLY

WRITTEN BY A WOMAN.

THAT'S LIKE ME

WRITING A BOOK,

THE THIRD TRIMESTER

AND WHAT TO EXPECT.

LADIES, YOU'RE GONNA

FEEL A PRESSURE--

HOW THE HELL

WOULD I KNOW?

YOU DON'T WANNA HEAR THAT

FROM ME, RIGHT?

THEN WHY IS THIS WOMAN

TELLING ME

WHAT IT'S LIKE

TO HAVE A DICK?

THAT MAKES NO SENSE.

YOU HAVE NO IDEA

WHAT IT'S LIKE TO HAVE A DICK.

24/7--

"DO IT, DO IT, FUCK IT, DO IT."

THAT'S WHAT IT'S SAYING.

"DO IT, DO IT!

YEAH, DO IT!"

THAT'S HOW WE SURVIVED

AS A SPECIES.

EVERY MAN IN HERE

IS PROGRAMMED TO FUCK

85% OF THE WOMEN

IN THIS ROOM.

RIGHT?

YEAH, WE ARE.

"DO IT, DO IT, FUCK IT,

DO IT," YOU KNOW?

IT'S JUST THAT YOU WON'T.

THAT'S THE ONLY REASON

WHY WE DON'T, YOU KNOW?

THAT'S NOT YOU KEEPING

YOUR DICK IN CHECK, YOU KNOW?

SOME GUY AT HOME DEPOT,

WORKING THERE,

HE WANTS TO FUCK JUST AS MANY

WOMEN AS A CELEBRITY, RIGHT?

BUT HE CAN'T DO IT.

'CAUSE WHORES DON'T CARE

ABOUT LUMBER, RIGHT?

[laughs]

BUT THE SECOND HE HITS

THE FUCKING LOTTERY,

ALL OF A SUDDEN THAT,

"DO IT, DO IT, FUCK IT, DO IT,"

YOU KNOW,

THAT WASN'T AFFECTING HIS LIFE,

THEN ALL OF A SUDDEN

THESE WHORES SHOW UP--

"I'LL DO IT, I'LL SUCK IT,

I'LL DO IT," RIGHT?

[laughs]

NO, SOMEBODY'S GOTTA STEP UP,

ALL RIGHT?

I'M NOT EVEN BLAMING WHORES,

REALLY.

JUST--GUYS,

WE'RE FUCKING IDIOTS.

WHAT ARE WE DOING?

WHY ARE WE WORKING SO HARD

AND THEN GIVING IT ALL AWAY

TO SOME CHICK

WHO DID THREE SHIFTS

AT A FUCKING HOOTERS,

YOU KNOW?

THEY'RE FUCKING BUMS

SITTING THERE WITH FUCKING

DORITO DUST IN THEIR CLEAVAGE

WALKING AROUND WITH HUNDREDS

OF MILLIONS OF DOLLARS.

I'M SICK OF THIS.

"THAT'S WHAT THE LAW SAYS."

A HUNDRED YEARS AGO,

I COULD BEAT YOU

WITH A FUCKING MOP HANDLE

AND BE LIKE,

"THAT'S WHAT THE LAW SAYS."

DOESN'T MAKE US RIGHT.

NO, IT'S UNREAL.

AND ALL THIS SHIT'S GOING DOWN,

AND WE'RE NOT DOING ANYTHING.

WHAT ARE WE DOING?

SAME OLD SHIT.

SITTING AROUND WATCHING

SHARK WEEK, RIGHT?

WATCHING SHIT ABOUT

POISONOUS SNAKES

HALF A WORLD AWAY.

JUST FILLING YOUR HEAD UP WITH

ALL THIS USELESS INFORMATION.

WHAT TO DO IF YOU COME FACE

TO FACE WITH A BENGAL TIGER.

DON'T LOOK AT IT,

DON'T LOOK AWAY.

SLOWLY BACK UP

AS YOU PUSH YOUR FRIEND FORWARD.

RIGHT?

ALL THIS USELESS

INFORMATION,

YET HANGING BETWEEN YOUR LEGS

IS THIS THING

THAT COULD CRUMBLE

YOUR ENTIRE EMPIRE--

SEVEN MINUTES OR LESS.

DON'T KNOW A FUCKING THING

ABOUT IT.

EVEN WORSE,

YOU THINK IT'S YOUR FRIEND.

YEAH, YOU KNOW WHY?

'CAUSE YOUR DICK'S LIKE

A DREAMER, YOU KNOW?

YOUR DICK BELIEVES.

IT'S LIKE

A MOTIVATIONAL SPEAKER.

I DON'T GIVE A SHIT

WHAT QUESTION YOU ASK IT.

IT'S ALWAYS LIKE,

"YEAH, YEAH, ABSOLUTELY.

"SOUNDS LIKE A PLAN!

EXIT STRATEGY--LATER!

WE'LL BE FINE!"

WHERE'S YOUR DICK

WHEN YOU GET CAUGHT, RIGHT?

IT'S JUST SLUMPED OVER LIKE,

"YEAH, I THOUGHT IT WAS

A GOOD IDEA."

YEAH.

YOU HAVE TO KNOW THAT.

DUDE, IF YOUR DICK

WAS A THIRD BASE COACH,

IT WOULDN'T HOLD ANYBODY UP.

IT'D JUST BE FUCKING

WAVING PEOPLE AROUND.

"EVERYBODY,

GO IN STANDING UP!

"YOU GOT IT, YOU GOT IT.

AW, SHIT, HERE SHE COMES.

SLIDE, SLIDE, SLIDE!"

ALL RIGHT,

YOU GUYS WERE AWESOME.

THANK YOU SO MUCH

FOR COMING OUT.

I HOPE YOU HAD AS GOOD A TIME

AS I DID.

THANK YOU!

[cheers and applause]

[inaudible speech]

[crowd chatter]