All language subtitles for Ally.McBeal.S01E09.1997.Disney+.WEB-DL.1080p.H264.AAC-HDCTV_track6_[eng]

Previously on Ally McBeal...

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

- [ Woman ] Hello, Jennifer.
- Hi!

- Here's your package, ma'am.
- Fine.

She was about to ask me
a question once.

I said, I said, "Don't spoil it!" I don't
want to attach anything audio to her.

The girl, who works
in the mail room.

You know, the one who saunters about
demonstrably with her ample bosom?

What about her?

Well, the women in the office
don't appreciate the gawk-fest.

And we feel that her continued presence,
together with the reactions,

are contributing to a hostile
working environment.

This is camera one.
Camera two.

That does not make out a case
for sexual harassment.

You say it doesn't, the law says possible.
But does it really matter?

And don't try to take a moment, 'cause I'm
already clued in as to how you work.

Yeee!

♪♪ [ Suspenseful Theme ]

Oh, Blanche.

You know we got rats
in the cellar?

[ Both Screaming ]

- Oh! That wasn't funny.
- [ Laughing ]

[ Laughing ]
Yes, it was.

No, it wasn't.

Trust me, from where I'm sitting it was
funny.

Cruelty is funny to you?
Pain?

When it's somebody else's. How many times
do you have to watch that movie?

I like it, okay? They don't make movies
about real relationships anymore.

Wh-What do you watch?
The Sound of Music?

What's wrong with
The Sound of Music?

Nothing, if you don't mind
Julie Andrews being alive.

Do you have something against
Julie Andrews?

Doesn't everybody?

No. I like her.

Renee,

she's... perky.

[ Chuckles ]
She isn't perky.

Sister Maria?
Mary Poppins?

Well, what-what about that Blake Edwards
movie she did where she bared her breasts?

There's nothing
Mary Poppins about that.

You know, I saw that movie, and you know
what? Her breasts were perky.

She had little
optimistic nipples.

Okay, what's going on?

What do you mean,
"What's going on?"

You have something against Mary Poppins?

I don't have anything against--

- High school.
- What about high school?

I was--

I was...

voted most likely
to become Julie Andrews.

- Ah.
- I'm not anything like her, am I?

First of all, no.
Second of all, neither is she.

She regrets those movies because people
got the same idea you did.

Julie Andrews is nothing
like Mary or Maria.

Well, my high school class didn't know
that when they voted me

most likely to be her.

And-- [ Sighs ]
I think people do thinkI'm kind of prudey.

- Really?
- Sometimes I-I go into the unisex.

Richard and Billy will be telling a joke
and they stop as soon as I come in.

It's like they're afraid they're gonna
pierce my little virgin ears.

That's just men.
Men have something about dirty jokes.

They do?

Yeah. If you want in on the club, just
tell one. They'll hand you a cigar.

I don't know any.

Except the one about the flea,
but Billy already heard it.

- Do you know any?
- I got a few.

Tell me one.

No. I'm not telling you
any dirty jokes.

- Why not?
-'Cause you'll faint.

Sorry. I probably would have
voted with your class.

You know what, Renee?
Bite me!

[ Laughs ]

Oh, come on. Just-Just tell me one dirty
joke. Just one joke.

- You want me to tell you a dirty joke?
- The dirtier the better.

- Okay. Ready?
- I'm ready.

- Sure?
- Tell it.

You'll faint.

- Tell it!
- All right.

All right. This man's
walking down a beach.

Nobody for miles.
Beautiful sunset.

When all of a sudden,
he spots this girl.

No arms, no legs,
just a torso, and she's crying.

So he goes up to her and he says,
"Why are you crying?"

She says,
"I'm 21 years old.

I have no arms, no legs
and I've never been kissed."

His heart just breaks,
so he bends down,

gives her the softest,
most gentle kiss.

It was so romantic,
her tears just stop.

She says softly,
"Thank you."

He says, "You're welcome,"
and starts to walk away,

when he hears
her crying again.

He says, "What?"
She says, "I'm 21 years old.

I have no arms, no legs,
and I've never been screwed."

And with that he bends down,
picks her up...

and throws her into the ocean and says,
"You're screwed now!" [ Giggles ]

- What?
- That was disgusting.

-On, come on!
- No, a woman has no arms and no legs...

and you're making fun
of her sex life?

- Oh, forget it! You are pathetic!
- I'm pathetic?

Yes, you.

No, no, no. See, Renee, that joke that
wasn't funny.

It was sick.

♪ Raindrops on roses and whiskers on
kittens ♪

I'm not being Julie Andrews.
I--

♪ Bright copper kettles
and warm woolen mittens ♪

Okay, okay. Keep singing.

♪ Brown paper packages
tied up with string ♪

But that poor woman
is drowning.

Who's drowning?

The woman who got
chucked into the ocean.

And you're singing about sleigh bells and
doorbells and schnitzels and noodles.

And it's sick.
Sick! Sick! Sick!

♪ I've been down this road ♪

♪ Walkin' the line
that's painted by pride ♪

♪ And I have made mistakes
in my life ♪

♪ That I just can't hide ♪

♪ Oh, I believe I am ready ♪

♪ For what love has to bring
Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ I got myself together ♪

♪ Now I'm ready to sing ♪

♪ I've been searching
my soul tonight ♪

♪ I know there's
so much more to life ♪

♪ Now I know
I can shine a light ♪

♪ To find my way back home ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ Baby, yeah ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪♪

- Do you think it's funny?
- No, it's sick.

Dirty jokes are supposed to be sick.
That's the point.

- So you think it's funny?
- Well, a little.

She's got no arms, no legs,
bobbing up and down--

Ally, I don't think you're
supposed to think about it.

How am I not supposed to think about it? A
woman is born basically a stump.

Imagine what her life must
have been like growing up.

I mean, kids picking on her.
She never made it to her prom.

And now she's on a beach and some guy
comes by,

picks her up and heaves her
into the ocean.

- [ Laughs ]
- What--

I don't think the joke
is funny, but, Ally,

it-it-it's a made up thing.

You have given this girl
a whole backstory.

- Maybe she did go to her prom.
- [ Chuckles ]

You know, there are real people out there
with no arms and no legs.

I know. But you're not supposed to
rationalize it like that.

No joke would be funny
if you dissected it.

Yeah. Was it like high tide or low tide?

How did she get to the beach in the first
place?

- The questions are endless.
- I have Renee on line two.

She wants to know
if lunch is still on...

or whether you'd rather use the hour to
make dresses from drapes.

And, Richard, you might want to fasten
your eye sockets. You have a delivery.

Go ahead.

- Certified.
- Ah.

Absolutely.

There you go.

You know, I had
a great-aunt once who said...

if you stare at a beautiful woman too long
you turn to stone.

- She was partially right.
- [ Both Laughing ]

That would be a Fishism
or one of those boy jokes?

- What's the matter?
- She's suing us!

- [ All ] What?
- Sexual harassment.

- Everybody sues me for sexual harassment.
- Let me see.

I can't keep coming in here to be served.
This is ridiculous.

Well, Richard, maybe this one you
deserved.

I mean, the way you all keep
gawking at her,

I can't half blame her.

No. She's not suing
on account of the men.

- She's complaining about the women.
- [ All ] What?

Yeah, yeah. The allegation is that
the women have been hostile to her...

because they don't like
the way she dresses.

What? Can she sue for that?

I think she can. The Supreme Court is
ruling on same-sex harassment this fall,

but I don't see why they would
block it as a cause of action.

But same-sex harassment,
that means gay harassment or--

- No, it doesn't.
- Well, when you think of it,

once you accept hostile working
environment as a theory,

she has a perfect case.

She is getting hostile treatment
because she's deemed too sexy.

What? Should it be any different because
the hostility is coming from the women?

Let me meet with her lawyer
and see if we can dust it.

She never made any demands
or complaints, did she?

Not to me.

Well, she may have trouble proving that
you had notice of the hostile environment.

- She'll argue constructive notice.
- Even so,

step one is to complain, give the employer
a chance to fix the problem--

she never did that.

- I'll go meet with the lawyer.
- Ridiculous.

Well, that's what happens when you start
reducing women to body parts.

Ooh. I don't like
my butt.

This outfit
looks great on you.

No, it-it-it's too
conservative for a date.

This date's with a rabbi.
He'll think this is reformed.

Well, I've never dated
a rabbi before.

I hope he's more fun
than the priest.

Tell him my joke. That will loosen up
his little beanie.

- Beanie? Renee, it's a yarmulke.
- Yarmulke.

Tell him my joke.
I bet he laughs.

I am not going to tell him
your joke. It's repulsive.

It is funny.

I bet if I told that joke in a room full
of people,

you'd be the only one not to laugh.

- Okay. Let's prove it.
- Prove it how?

At the bar, you tell your joke.
I dare you.

At the bar?

Mm-hmm. You think it's so funny, put your
microphone where your mouth is.

All right.
I tell you what.

I will tell my joke
at the bar,

and if they laugh, you have to get up and
tell your little flea joke.

Forget it.

See? As usual,
in the end you back down.

You're worried that this outfit

makes you seem more conservative
than you really are?

Okay. You get up at that bar and you
tell that joke, the same joke.

And if people laugh,
a-a real laugh, a good one,

then I will get up on that stage
and I will tell my flea joke.

You got a bet.

- Good.
- Good.

- You?
- How can you be her attorney?

You just represented the women
you're now suing.

I'm flexible.

- Listen, Miss--
- Call me Caroline, please.

We're talking huge
conflicts of interest here.

I've made my client aware of the
conflicts, counsel,

but thank you for your
concern.

- Ms. Poop--
- I asked you to call me Caroline,

- and I believe I asked quite nicely.
- Yes. Well,

this-this is more
than just a conflict.

The basis of this claim, it's the behavior
of the women in this firm.

So?

So you fostered that behavior
when you represented the women.

- So?
- So?

I'm not the plaintiff here.
Jennifer Higgin is.

Um, that's the girl's name in case you
didn't realize she had one.

And I'm not suing Elaine
or the women.

- I'm suing the employer. The firm. You.
- Mm-hmm.

I hate to sap any of the fun, but if it's
any consolation, I plan to enjoy myself.

Oh. Mm-hmm.

Bye.

Ally, glad you're here.

New firm policy.
Listen up.

Anybody who sues this firm
or me, personally,

we all drop whatever
cases we're working on...

and we devote all our intellectual
and creative efforts...

to ruining that
person's life.

Are we clear? I do not want to stop short
with just getting even.

Retribution? Not strong enough.
Ruin. That's the goal.

Irreversible, irreparable,
irrational... ruin.

New firm policy.

What did you dig up on conflicts?
Can we disqualify the lawyer?

I don't think so. She disclosed the
conflicts of interests to the client, so--

Her case isn't so
hysterical, by the way.

Elaine and the women were a little
notorious with the hostility.

She'll probably make constructive
notice.

Ally?

Poop lady agreed to waive notice on the
depos so long as she can go first.

- Who does she want to depose?
- Elaine. Who else?

That has to be a conflict of interest.

She knows what she knows about Elaine
because she represented her.

Richard, we are wasting our time
trying to disqualify her, so--

We shouldn't want to
disqualify her.

We'll have a much better time
if Caroline Poop is the lawyer.

How so? I want to know why.
Tell me how so. Why?

She's lazy. Look how she handled
last week's lawsuit.

She doesn't really prepare.
She's a quick hitter.

We'll have a much tougher time
with another lawyer.

She's right.

Georgia, you first chair. Since you're the
most neutral, you can--

Oh, no.
I'm not handling this case.

Why not?

Well, it's a little
close to home.

That girl was victimized 'cause the women
thought she looked too sexy.

I relate, and I don't
want to go there.

- What's the second reason?
- Who said I had a second reason?

The first one stinks.
You must have a backup.

I think my first reason
is enough, Richard.

Right. But just in case
it loses steam over time.

- That lawyer.
- Poop?

Yes, Poop.

- She hit on me.
- What?

She did.

- With a look.
- A look?

Billy, if there's one thing I know,
it's when I'm being hit on.

Part of me thinks
this girl does have a case.

And another part, all of these harassment
laws, they overprotect us.

- They make us look like victims.
- Maybe.

Elaine is being
deposed today?

I figure we're dead. We'll be settling as
soon as she's finished.

What if she wants to sink the firm?
Did you think about that?

She lost her little lawsuit.
She could certainly get even today.

We considered that. But, believe it or
not, it's not in Elaine's character.

In the end, she can't
resist being helpful...

and the problem is, is that's when she
does all of the damage.

Anyway, we'll be done at 5:00.

Plenty of time to get down to the bar and
hear you tell your big joke.

Do I look scared?

No. And I know why.
It's a win-win for you.

Even if you don't get a laugh,
you still get to get up on that stage.

And that satisfies
your inner exhibitionist self.

What?

I looked it up. Jokes and Their Relation
to the Unconscious.

- Freud?
- Oh, wait. Ahh.

"A person who likes to tell dirty jokes

has concealed inclinations to
exhibitionism."

- Give me that.
- No, no. There's more.

"People who are best
at telling dirty jokes...

are the ones with a sadistic
side to their sexuality."

First of all, this guy was
the biggest sex perv going.

Freud?

Ally, everything was about sex with
Freud.

The little spanker couldn't walk down a
street without one hand holding his id.

That little spanker
invented psychoanalysis.

Which obviously makes him your hero.
Here's a flash.

Psychoanalysis came to him
in a wet dream,

- pardon the pun.
- It did not!

- Irma's injection, that was--
- Irma's injection?

was an erotic dream.

Don't be whippin' Freud out on me, girl.
I got that guy sussed.

I never glanced at her
unkindly.

In the complaint you stated, "She would
come to work dressed in attire...

designed to arouse
the male personnel."

In paragraph seven,

you alleged that she was willful in the
attempt to sexually stimulate them?

Well, a lot of us do that.

But the key is to be subtle so the men
don't realize what we're doing.

Oh, so you don't blame her
for dressing this way?

Certainly not.

Mm-hmm. And yet, you and the other women
were angry enough to sue.

We sued because the men here
were acting like pigs.

- Oh, so you were angry at the men?
- Correct.

You had no anger whatsoever at the woman
you thought was causing this behavior?

- Correct.
- She was an innocent.

- Correct.
- You two could even be friends?

Correct.

But in your lawsuit you demanded
that she be terminated.

That was
an alternative demand.

The first demand was only that she stop
walking around in her slutty little way.

Oh, "her slutty little way."

So, you have no hostility
towards her?

I dress slutty.
Just understated.

- Moderately slutty.
- I see.

Do you make room for
the possibility, Ms. Vassal,

that with women whispering
that she's slutty,

with women suing her because
she oozes too much sexuality,

do you make room for
the slightest possibility...

that she might feel
the least bit oppressed?

Well, if she felt that way, she shouldn't
dress how she dresses,

flaunting her big alabaster
buoys in everybody's faces.

I did not ambush the firm.

Elaine, get out. Please.

I would like to account for my
testimony.

You're accounted for. Shoo.

- [ Door Opens, Closes ]
- Okay,

we have got to
pick this girl apart.

We've got a motion
to dismiss pending.

We've got to pick her apart. Establish
that she really didn't feel harassed.

- Do you want me to do it?
- Ally, you.

- Me?
- Yeah. She'll turtle against Billy.

You got a better chance. You got that
Julie Andrews thing going.

- Did someone tell you to say that to me?
- Say what?

♪ If I tremble ♪

♪ When I'm by your side ♪

♪♪ [ Continues ]

Richard Fish wouldn't just pluck Julie
Andrews out of thin air. You told him.

- I swear I didn't.
- Oh, right.

After this song, up I go.

Are you sure you want to do this?
Maybe we should call it off.

- Too late. I'm ready.
- What if it bombs?

[ Laughs ]

Well, if it bombs, I have to tell her
little flea joke,

which is no less dirty,
by the way.

Oh, please. My joke is ribald.
Yours is disgusting.

- Ribald?
- Yes, ribald.

What kind of person goes to
Freud to understand limericks,

uses words like "ribald"
and dates rabbis?

- [ Both ] Julie Andrews!
- ♪♪ [ Ends ]

- [ Laughing ]
- [ Applause ]

[ Vonda ]
Could I have your attention?

Moment of truth.
I'm on.

I've been asked to take a break so that
somebody might tell you a joke, so--

And that somebody would be me.

- Yea!
- Whoo!

But first, let's take a moment
to give it up to Vonda Shepard.

She's here every day
singing for us.

[ Thinking ]
God, she's comfortable up there.

And I couldn't help but notice that we're
here almost every day too.

Same people, same faces.
Lawyers, stockbrokers, twins.

How about the dancing twins? Can we give
it up to them, please?

Okay. This is not fair. She-She-She's
warming up the crowd.

Anyway, I did ask to come up here because
I've been looking at all these faces...

and suits and ties and coats,
stuffy ties, boring jobs.

I see it on
everybody's expressions.

- Yeah.
- And I thought...

- this crowd needs something.
- [ Man ] All right. What?

We need to laugh.

What we need
is one good dirty joke.

- Yeah!
- [ Laughing ]

- Disgusting dirty.
- [ Woman ] Tell it.

Anybody feel like they could
use that kind of a joke?

Yeah!

- I'm talking filthy!
- [ Cheering ]

This is all under protest now.
This is a warm-up act.

They still have to laugh at the joke,
Ally.

And I won't.

All right. Okay.

A man's walking down a beach.

A beautiful beach, sunset, sky's all
pretty colors, nobody's around,

and he spots this girl.

No arms, no legs.
Just a torso.

[ Laughing ]

And she's crying.
So he goes up to her, he says,

"Why are you crying?"
She says, "I'm 21 years old.

I have no arms, no legs,
and I've never been kissed."

[ All Ahhing ]

So he bends down and he gives her
the sweetest little kiss.

She says, "Thank you." He says, "You're
welcome," and he starts to walk away,

when he hears her crying again.

He says, "What's the matter now?"
She says, "I'm 21 years old.

I have no arms, no legs,
and I've never been screwed."

- [ All Ohhing ]
- Whoo!

[ Woman ]
What a shame.

So he bends down,
picks her up,

throws her into the ocean and says,
"You're screwed now, baby!"

- [ All Laughing ]
- [ Applauding ]

- You cheated.
- What do you mean, I cheated?

You did a 10-minute warm-up,
you used the twins...

and on the punch line
you did a big butt waggle.

And you changed the words.
It wasn't even the same joke.

What do you mean
it wasn't the same?

Before, when he threw her in the water, it
was, "You're screwed now."

Tonight you added a butt
waggle, and-and-and you said,

"You're screwed now, baby!"

"You're screwed now, baby,"
is much funnier,

and I would have
laughed at that, maybe.

- "Baby" is a little--
- I was good. The butt waggle was funny.

And "Baby"-- "Baby" just--
[ Laughs ]

Renee, part of being a best,
best, best friend...

is not making your best friend
do something that you know...

would be very painful.

- I know that.
- And I was thinking that,

um, maybe I could pay off
this bet with money...

or breakfast in bed
for like a week.

- Anything...
- [ Sighs ]

other than me having to get up on that
stage and tell my flea joke.

Oh, Ally, when you're
sweet like this,

it's almost impossible
to say no.

- Almost.
- Please? I'll be your slave.

This time tomorrow night
you're taking that stage.

You're really gonna make me
get up there.

I am.

My advice is try to
act at ease like Renee did.

The crowd was having fun
with her.

Have you ever told a joke
before in your life?

What do you mean?
I'm funny.

Oh, I didn't mean
you're not funny, but--

Stand-up comedy,
that's--

- Is the steno here?
- We're all set. Go on in.

We'll be right there.
Let me get Richard.

Fine.

[ Man ] We're going forward with the
pretrial hearing this afternoon.

So get all your paperwork ready.

- [ Woman ] Now?
- [ Man ] Yeah.

- Did-Did you see that?
- What?

She looked at me.

Georgia, Poop is married.
She's not gay.

Then why does she look at me?

I don't know. I don't--
I don't know anything.

What's that supposed to mean?

You thought that joke was sick,
didn't you?

Yeah.

Well, they laughed hard,
Georgia.

The men laughed.

The women, I think, were just more amused
by Renee's performance.

- The boys--
- Why do men like sick jokes?

I'm not sure.
I-I think they're just--

- Sicker?
- Yeah.

Okay, so, um,

what specifically
did you perceive as hostile?

Well, the looks, I guess.

- The looks.
- Yes.

Okay. The looks from
the men or from the women?

- Uh, the women.
- How would they look at you?

- Mean.
- Mean?

- Yes.
- Can-Can you describe...

what about the looks
made them seem mean?

I can't really describe it.
I just felt it.

- Hmm.
- [ Thinking ] I'm terrible at this.

If I could just get Barbara Walters
to ask the questions.

Tell us about the "dwinking" and the
"twoubles" it's caused in your "wife."

I just drink and drink and drink because I
was sexually fondled by my uncles.

Do you have "weegrets"?

Um.

Oh, okay. When you say they looked
at you mean, did they squint?

Look something like this?

[ Chuckles ]
No.

How was the mean look
different from the normal look?

It wasn't really, I guess.

But when they filed
that lawsuit...

saying they hated the way that I dressed
and the way that I walked around,

after that I had to assume they weren't
looking at me

because they wanted to be my
friends.

Hmm.

So when they filed that lawsuit, that's
when you felt the hostility?

Yes.

Okay. That's all.

Thank you.

Thanks.

That was it? You were supposed to tear her
up. You coddled her.

Ally, I'm nothing
if not disappointed.

I'm know what I'm doing, Richard.
Where are we on the 12-B-6 motion?

Tomorrow morning.
But, Ally, I sort of agree with Richard.

You didn't get anything out of her.

I don't know how we're gonna
get the claim dismissed...

without the admission
she didn't really feel harassed.

She wasn't gonna give us that admission.
Poop had her well coached.

Great. Well, without
cracking the plaintiff,

not even slightly, what do we take into
the motion to dismiss other than a prayer?

I got it covered,
Richard.

She wasn't very good,
was she?

Well, she did seem
a little on the gentle side.

You think--

Is it possible she can't
really be objective on this?

How do you mean?

- Well, you know, she-she is one.
- One what?

A woman. And on sex and sexual harassment,
they don't see straight.

- Women?
- Yes.

You're gonna have to help me out here,
Richard. Do you have a Fishism on this?

No, but here's
the thing about them.

Women, as a rule,
hate pretty women.

But women, as a rule, also sympathize with
other women victims because they're women.

Are-Are you with me?

- I'm doing my best.
- It's like this.

Women want other women
to be destroyed,

but as women, they don't want to be the
actual destroyers themselves.

If you find a way to word that cleverly,
it could be a Fishism.

Yeah?

♪ You got a smile so bright ♪

♪ You know you could have
been a candle, yeah ♪

If you were my friend,
you'd call this off.

We'll all be laughing
about it tomorrow.

I doubt anybody will be
laughing tonight, but--

My joke is funnier
than yours and less gross.

I don't know what the big deal is.
What's going on, Georgia?

I get approached by gay women a lot,
Billy.

Caroline Poop is not gay.

- I think it's my voice.
- Your voice?

My voice is kind
of deep for a woman.

Are you crazy? You have the sexiest voice
in the world.

- But it is a little deep.
- So?

So I think that
gay women think...

that it comes from some
chromosome or-or gene that--

Maybe that's why
they think I could be gay.

I don't know.

Richard Fish touched my neck
the other day.

What?

He made it seem like an accident,
but I know it was on purpose.

I think he was checking to see
if I had an Adam's apple.

Richard touched your neck?

You have my laugh
no matter how bad it goes.

- Thank you, Elaine.
- The song is ending.

Mmm.

Will-Will you just go up
there with me and waggle?

♪♪ [ Ends ]

- Next time.
- [ Applauding ]

Hey, guys!
Just in time.

- I am so glad you're here.
- I wouldn't miss this.

Thank you.

Last night we took a break for a joke and
it went so well,

we thought we'd do it again.

[ Thinking ]
Oh, my God.

Ally, if you don't have fun,
the audience can't.

Mmm. Mmm.

- Whatever happens, enjoy.
- Okay.

- We will.
- [ Together ] Quiet!

Ally?
Are you out there?

[ Thinking ]
Big smile.

[ Cheering, Applauding ]

[ Chuckles ]

♪ The hills are alive ♪

♪ With the sound of music ♪

- ♪ Ahh ♪♪
- Okay.

Oh, this is really,
really cruel.

Try to cope, Elaine.

[ Ally ]
Okay. Thank you.

I was here last night when
Renee Raddick told that joke.

[ Man ] Yeah!

And I see that a lot of you were here too,
and-and wasn't she great?

[ Man ]
Awesome.

Renee, stand up.
Take a bow.

[ Thinking ]
That little bitch.

Okay, well,
she's just being shy.

But she-she really is there
and-- But you know what?

She dared me to come up here
and tell a dirty joke.

She didn't think I had it in me.
She didn't think I could do it.

And-And what do you think?
Do you think I can do it?

No.

- [ All ] No.
- Oh.

[ Chuckles ]
Good. Good.

I'm glad you think that,
because you know what?

One of the last vestiges of
gender bias is the dirty joke.

Men can handle it,
women can't.

We're-We're, uh--
We're not tough enough.

We're-We're too--
We're too--

- [ Thinking ] Decent.
- Fragile.

Well, let's see.
Here we go.

Okay, and, uh, by the way, my joke, true
story. Two little fleas--

[ Chuckling ]

They meet at a bar
in Florida.

And-- Oh, they vacation
together all of the time.

And-- And one year,
the second little flea,

he arrives and he's freezing,
freezing cold.

And he says, "Ooh, ooh, I was just
zooming down from Jersey,

in the mustache of some guy on a
motorcycle and I am frozen."

And the first flea says,

"Well, that is no way to come to Florida.
Here's what you do.

"You go into an airport bar,
you have a few drinks,

"you find a beautiful stewardess,
you climb up her leg,

you nestle right
in her warm, soft"--

You know what I mean.

"And you get a good night's sleep
and you wake up in Florida.

Now that is
the way to travel."

A year goes by,
vacation comes.

In comes the second flea again.
Freezing cold, again.

And the first flea goes,
"Well, okay, why are you cold?

Didn't you do what I said?" And the second
flea says, "I did exactly what you said.

"I went into a bar,
I had a couple of drinks,

"I climbed right up the leg of a beautiful
stewardess, I nestled in,

"and I passed out
all snuggled up.

"And the next think you know,
I am zooming down the freeway...

in the mustache of some guy
on a motorcycle."

- [ Laughs ]
- [ Man ] Next.

[ Booing ]

Oh, come on. Now--

[ Ally Narrating ]
This they think is funny.

Ah--

[ Man ] Leave your name
with the girl at the door.

Okay. Um, well, uh, uh,
let-let's hear it for Vonda.

- [ Cheering, Applauding ]
- Sing!

[ Chuckles ]
Oh, well.

[ Thinking ]
Oh, God. Oh, God.

I actually think it was funny.
You told it great. They just--

- Hated it.
- Well, see, with a good dirty joke,

it's got to be surprising.

But the listener also has to
have a sense of what's coming.

And with you, the way you look
and your demeanor,

I just don't think they were prepared
for that kind of filth.

Oh, well,
that clears it up.

[ Ally Narrating ] I-I'm actually luckier
than most.

I get to wake up each morning,
glad to start a new day.

Grateful that the last one
is over.

32666-- Higgins versus Cage
and Fish Law Corporation.

Caroline Poop
for the plaintiff.

Ally McBeal representing
the defendant, Your Honor.

Ms. McBeal. How delightful
you're still at large.

How goes the potato chip quest?

[ Thinking ]
Just smile. Pretend that was cute.

Um, Your Honor, we've brought a motion to
dismiss Miss Higgin's lawsuit.

We believe that it fails to state a claim
for which relief can be granted.

We've submitted expedited transcripts of
two depositions, Your Honor.

They clearly reveal that Ms. Higgin's was
subject to a hostile working environment.

I'd ask you
to review our brief,

particularly Fineman versus Adelstein and
Medavoy versus Gendler.

Same-sex harassment cases are clearly
viable in the Commonwealth.

- Ms. McBeal?
- I agree.

- You agree?
- Yes, Your Honor.

I don't think sexual harassment should be
limited to opposite-sex situations.

I see. And why would we be here other than
for you and I to, uh, catch up?

Oh, well, if you look
at the transcript,

Miss Higgins only felt harassed as a
result of the lawsuit filed by the women.

It was only after reading that complaint
that she felt they were hostile.

- So?
- So...

a complaint can't be the basis
of a sexual harassment claim.

There's qualified immunity
when it comes to pleadings.

According to her testimony, the only real
bad treatment she got was being sued.

A lawsuit has immunity.

Ms. Poop?

What? Oh, this is a ridiculous
technicality, Your Honor.

She was treated in a hostile
manner by these women...

because they didn't like
the way she dressed.

That it came in the form
of a legal pleading

shouldn't make a bit of difference.

It makes a difference to me.
This case is dismissed without prejudice.

What? You can't
kick a case like that.

But I can,
and I just did.

- [ Gavel Raps ]
- Yes.

You had that up your sleeve the whole
time? Why didn't you share?

Because I've decided to keep
punch lines close to my vest.

You were fantastic.
So we're legally off the hook?

Yes, you are.

- We don't owe her anything?
- Oh, I didn't say that.

Oh.

[ Elevator Bell Dings ]

Excuse me. Do you know where
I can find Richard Fish?

Who are you representing now?

- Huh, funny.
- Mmm.

Actually, I just came to let him know

that my client does plan
on returning to work...

and she'll be here soon, so could you just
give him that message?

No problem.

- Thank you.
- Hey!

I know what these looks are
about, and I don't like them.

- What looks?
- These looks, like,

"Let's get together
and watch Ellen sometime."

[ Chuckles ]
Is that what you think?

I'm sorry. Well, I have been looking
at you but not for that.

Ever since childhood,
I collected Barbie dolls,

and well, I just never met a grown-up
living one in person before.

And working side-by-side
with Skipper,

I don't know,
I was just kind of blown away.

Does she think
you're a lesbian?

- No.
- What is it?

It's worse.

- It's worse?
- Much.

So what's going on?

- Did you touch Georgia's wattle?
- Excuse me?

She said you
touched her neck.

- Did you?
- [ Sighs ] Am I about to be sued again?

I am not talking sexual harassment.
I am talking facts.

Did you fiddle
with my wife's wattle?

I might have grazed it,
you know?

- Bygones.
- No bygones.

It was only--
It wasn't in a sexual way.

Oh, please.
I know your fetish, Richard.

Look, it's not like a neck
is sexual for Georgia or you.

- It's a one-way jolly. What's the harm?
- It is sexual for you, Richard.

That's the violation. You were touching my
wife in a sexual way.

- I don't appreciate it.
- Oh. Okay. Uh,

it won't happen again.

You know?

[ Door Closes ]

I'll take that as a bygone.

- [ Phone Rings ]
- [ Woman ] Cage and Fish.

Whoa! Oh, hey!
Uh, hey, bygones squared.

- You want to still work here, you can.
- Really? Just like that?

No, not just like that. In my office,
please.

[ Ally ] Richard!

Uh, excuse me for a second.

Richard, on the heels of a lawsuit, I
don't think you should be speaking to her.

I'm her employer.
She's an employee. Certainly--

And I'm acting as counsel.

And if it is anything remotely
connected to that case,

- you should have a lawyer in the room.
- I am a lawyer.

Richard, that case was dismissed without
prejudice. It could come back.

And with the things that
roll off your tongue,

I don't think you should be speaking to
her outside of counsel.

Fine. Yeah.

[ Clears Throat ]

Ally wants to be here too, 'cause she
thinks I'll say something stupid.

Anyway, uh, Jennifer--

May I call you Jennifer? It would be
progress to give you a name.

Sure.

Uh, Jennifer, you're a tall
woman with enormous breasts.

- Richard!
- What?

Let me finish.
I, and a few other men here,

have considered you an asset to the firm,
and we've been staring at your assets.

- Maybe I should tell a joke to--
- Ally, let me finish.

What I'm trying to say.

The women here are really angry at me
and some of the men,

not you, and we're to blame.

I'm glad you're
still working here,

and I will see to it that the men don't
act like idiot sophomores,

and beyond that...

I apologize.

For all of us.
Especially me.

You deserve a lot more respect
than we've given you.

Thank you.

So, uh--
uh, that's all.

Yeah, so...
go deliver something.

You can go. Go.

[ Clears Throat ]
Wh-What?

Don't you have other work to do?

We should have some cases where we're not
the defendants.

Okay.

♪ I started a joke ♪

♪ Which started
the whole world crying ♪

- A rabbi?
- We're going out tomorrow night.

I got new shoes.
I got a new dress.

I like to remake myself...
every new relationship.

- Got it.
- Come on. I love this song.

- Georgia--
- I'll go.

Don't even think
about her wattle.

- Promise. Bygones. Georgia.
- ♪ I started to cry ♪

♪ Which started
the whole world laughing ♪

I feel like some of the people here
are looking at me different.

Like I'm...
nasty or something.

- And you like that?
- I do.

So do you think this rabbi guy
could work out?

I doubt it. And even if it did, he'd
probably make me convert.

- And you'd never do that?
- And give up Christmas?

Oh. Oh, I got to go.
I got to go meet Renee.

I'm hardening up,
aren't I?

I kicked that Poop lady's butt.
I told a dirty joke on stage.

I think I am ready to be released into the
real world, don't you?

- ♪ I finally died ♪
- I'm... hardening up.

- Yep.
- ♪ And started the whole world living ♪

Here's to the hard you.

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Oh, if I'd only seen ♪

♪ That the joke was on me ♪

♪ That the joke was on me
Yeah ♪

♪♪ [ Ends ]

[ Woman ]
You stinker!