All language subtitles for Passenger.Side.2009.720p.WEBRip.x264.AAC-[YTS.MX]

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(instrumental music playing)

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(phone ringing)

(rooster sounds)

(phone ringing)

(rooster sounds)

(phone ringing)

(phone ringing)

Fuck you.

No, I'm not afraid that
it could have been mom.

Well it couldn't have been
mom because she wouldn't

let the phone ring like
five million times

because she's not a
dickhead, that's why.

Well okay, if the shoe
fits pal, you know...okay.

Okay enough!

To what do I
owe this honour?

No, no.

Uh uh.

Nope.

No, no, I'm not going to
pick you up man, okay.

Sorry.

Okay bye.

(steam kettle whistling)

(phone rings)

Hi, Mom.

Well that's not true
because I already regret it.

I'll be there
in half an hour.

Me too, I can hardly wait.

Bye now.

Hey, um...

..it's a bit
early for you...

..but, um...

..some bad news.

I know we were going to, you know,
spend a big day together,

or whatever, but...

..something's
come up so I guess you'll

just have to
try to hold on,

just try to keep it together

through the ensuing heartache...

I'll-- I'll call you later,

maybe we'll
get some dinner or something.

All right babe, bye.

(starts vehicle)

('Punks in the Beerlight'
by Silver Jews playing)

# Where's the paper bag
that holds the liquor? #

# Just in case I feel
the need to puke #

# If we'd known what it'd
take to get here #

# Would we have chosen to?
Would we have chosen to? #

# So you wanna build an
altar on a summer night #

# You wanna smoke the gel
off a fentanyl patch #

# Ain'tcha heard the news? #

# Adam and Eve were Jews #

# And I always loved
you to the max #

# I love you to the max,
I love you to the max #

# I love you to the max #

# If it gets really, really
bad, if it ever gets #

# really, really bad #

# Let's not kid ourselves #

# It gets really, really bad. #

(honks horn)

Very snappy.

You don't like the tie?

No I love the tie.

I've got a couple
of job interviews.

Well I'm sure they're
just formalities

because it looks to me like
this cat's in the bag.

Thanks, your car
is really dirty.

Yeah, I've been
real busy.

I guess, but your
car it's sort of

an extension of
your personality...

it's like an advertisement
for you that you drive...

Right, and what exactly
is wrong with your car?

The transmission.

Michael: Oh my,
that is so sad.

It's just leaking
a little fluid.

I predict minor
adjustments.

Michael: Well I once
knew a guy who had

a Toyota much
like yours

and the transmission started
giving him problems.

$3,000 later he set that
car on fire in the desert.

Different strokes
for different folks.

Michael: Yeah, I don't
think that works.

Sure it does.

Michael: No, no,
you see Tobey,

different strokes implies
difference in taste or outlooks,

not the vagaries
of Japanese automotives.

Look Marion Webster, the
transmission controls the gears

which regulates the rate
at which the plugs spark

which sets the stroke
of the pistons

so different strokes
for different folks,

so to speak.

Speaking of which, how
is that new book coming?

Oh fantastic,
thanks for asking.

Speaking of which,
when was the last time

you called mom?

Three weeks ago.

Speaking of which is
that a new tape deck?

Yes that is a new tape deck.
It's a very good new tape deck.

Speaking of which, where
the fuck are we going?

And you play tape
cassettes in it?

No, funnily enough I play
LP records in there.

Just fold them up into
four, slide em right in.

It's amazing.

Wow, what will
they think of next?

I don't know, perhaps some
sort of sliced bread.

No, see, that will
never catch on.

Now voicemail, that is something
that you should think about.

Oh, if it's important
they call back.

When I called you back
I got a busy signal.

It was like calling
east Germany in 1982.

This is fun, but where
the fuck are we going?

No, I think we
should finish

this very important
conversation.

Oh what important
conversation?

This important conversation
about your fear of the future.

Michael: I don't fear
the future.

Tobey: Yes you do.

Michael: No I don't,
I love the future.

In fact, I firmly believe

that it's going to
be the next big thing.

Tobey: Do you still
have that Zenith?

Michael: That's a good TV.

Tobey: It's black and white.

Michael: I happen to like
black and white, Tobey.

Black and white shows you the
world stripped of its makeup.

It's very pure,
honest, true...

Tobey: Black and white
is for cowards.

Michael: No it's not and more
importantly I am not a coward.

Tobey: Come on we both know

that you've always been
a bit of a coward.

Michael: No we don't...
I don't know that...

Tobey: You don't
have any guts...

(knife banging on table)

(sharp inhale)

(music playing in distance,
slowly approaching)

("Hit the Ground Running"
by Smog playing)

# They ride the
roads as they bend #

# As they bend,
to their dead end #

# I had to leave
the country #

# Though there was some
nice folk there #

# No, I don't know
where I'm going #

Michael: So did you
get the job?

Tobey: Yeah, yeah, I start first
thing tomorrow morning.

Michael: Airline pilot?

Tobey: Close.
It's male model.

Michael: Oh, congratulations.

Tobey: Thank you.

Michael: After all these
years of dreaming.

Tobey: Things are really
looking up for me.

To celebrate I'm going
to buy you breakfast.

Michael: Are you kidding me?

Tobey: No.

Bright Spot or Ms Donut?

Michael: Huh, it's a real
dilemma because I love them both,

but I am going to
go with Ms Donut.

Tobey: That is a
fantastic choice.

Tobey: Pull in
right up here.

- Michael: Why?
- Tobey: Come on. Just pull in.

Michael: Okay, okay, I'm
pulling in. What's going on?

Tobey: We're going to
wash the car.

Michael: Oh Jesus, man,
we don't have time for this.

Tobey: We have all day.

Michael: No, we don't.

Tobey: Yes, we do
have all day

and your car
is very dirty.

My car is fine.

Cleanliness is
next to godliness

and godliness is
better than fine.

It's a car.

When the rapture comes do
you want your dear old car

to rise up with a chaste
and the pure or rot in hell

with the diseased
and the filthy?

Well, it's a car so it's
much too heavy to rise up.

Come on, I'll pay.

A little gift from me to
you for driving me around.

Wow.

It is important to look good,
put our best foot forward.

Remember it is
a beautiful day.

So Tobey...

..is there something
I should know about?

What do you mean?

I mean, I haven't heard
from you in a while

and you know,
you've got no car

and you're acting awfully
peppy and you know.

We need to go somewhere

but it's not clear exactly
where and I don't know...

Okay, you got me.

(sigh)

No, I can't-- I can't...handle
this again.

I can't.
I can't handle it.

You fucking
selfish fuck up.

Junkie motherfucker, I can't!

I joined the church
of Scientology.

Really?

How's that going?

Awesome, I'm already a
level five tekron warrior.

Michael: What does that mean?

I can bend spoons
with my mind.

Well, that must
come in handy.

Yeah, very handy...

If you've got
a bent spoon.

Tobey: Exactly.

When did all this happen?

Last month.

Michael: Uh huh, just
felt the call?

No, they called me because
I'm so successful and famous.

Right, right, right.

So you've mostly been
spending time with

the other successful
famous celebrities.

Exclusively.

In fact, you're the first
common person

that I've talked to all week.

Michael: Wow, how you holding up?

Barely.

Marie Antoinette was right,
the peasants are revolting.

Well, I have to say
aristocracy really suits you.

I think you may have
finally found your niche.

Tobey: Thanks.

Did you tell mom yet?

Yeah, she's very happy for
me, but she hates you.

Michael: Oh, why's that?

Because you're a
fucking asshole.

Fair enough.

How come I can't just, you know,
like say one thing,

ask a favour, be happy,
whatever, without you asking me

is there something that
I should know about?

Uh, I don't know, because
you're a fucking drug addict.

Okay, that's fair enough
but it would be nice

if you could just give me
a break once in a while.

Alright.

Sorry.

That's okay, thanks.

Did you get
some new shoes?

Yeah, do you like them?

Yeah, they look
really good.

Thanks.

Match your eyes.

I didn't think
you'd notice.

You want to know something, you
have very good personal style,

plus you're a nice person,
good driver.

And you know what else,
you're going to be okay, kid.

Thanks.

Got you a carrot muffin.

Thanks.

Carrots prevent cancer.

They neutralize,
free radicals...

Fantastic.

Just cream right?

Well, thank you,
that is very sweet.

You want to hear
your horoscope?

Sure.

"Your plate is full but
that doesn't mean you have

"to eat everything on it.

"It's never too late
to renegotiate.

"However do not wait
until the last minute."

Well, that really puts
things in perspective.

Do you want to hear if
today was your birthday?

But today is
not my birthday.

That is correct, today
is not your birthday

but just for fun, Tobey.

Sure, why not?

"Spreading love is your
mission this year.

"See yourself as beautiful
inside and out.

"This practice attracts
the most fascinating souls

"to your side.

"Business flourishes in
June but also requires

"a lot of mental energy.

"Be shrewd this summer
so you'll have something

"to invest in August."

Sweet, a mission of love.

Are we done,
can we get going?

Where to?

The hills.

Fabulous,
the hills it is.

("Cannibal Cafe" by SNFU
playing)

("Cannibal Cafe" by SNFU
still playing)

Back in a minute.

All right,

I'll just be sitting
in the car waiting,

I guess.

Can I help you?

Uh, yeah, actually.

Do you know a 7-letter word
for untrustworthy people,

starting with an F?

Police,
p-o-l-i-c-e.

Close but that is
not exactly correct.

But thank you, thank you.

I have a photographic memory,
your face, this car,

the license plate,
all recorded.

That is impressive but can
you bend a spoon

just by thinking about it?

You have been warned
my little friend.

Well, my brother can, he can
bend spoons...with his mind!

Who was that guy?

That was Bilbo Baggins.

Do you know a 7-letter word
for untrustworthy people,

starts with an F?

Friends.

Nice one.

Well?

Santa Monica and Western?

All right.

(starts engine)

# All the seas
ridden with disease #

# Bless the poor dog that
gets eaten by the fleas #

# The chickadee sitting
next to me #

# says many televisions hang like
bats in the trees now #

# We all love you #

# We all love you #

# We all love you #

# We all love you #

# We all love you,
we all love you #

# We all love you #

# We all love you. #

I'll be back in a minute.

All right.

(sighs)

Hey.

Hi, baby.

I'm Carla,
what's your name?

Okay.
Um, I'm Michael.

And what can I do for you
this morning Michael?

Nothing, I am just waiting
for my friend okay.

Actually, my brother, so
it's more than a friend,

it's family.

There is nothing more
important than family.

Oh, of course not, baby.

Hey, can I have a sip?

(sigh)

Sure.

Mm...just cream,

that's how I take it.

Well, why not, you know
it's a great way to take it.

Carla: It sure is, baby.

Tell me,

what is it that
you like about trannies, baby?

Michael: I don't know,

you know, I never
really thought about it

but if you were to ask
me right now I'd probably

say the way they
take their coffee.

(Carla laughs)

That is funny, baby,
and I like funny.

Turns me on.

What turns you on, baby?

Michael: I don't know,
you know,

long walks on the beach, um,

honesty, um...

women...

Do these turn you on?

Michael: Wow, wow.

How about this?

Wow...it's not...
that is a dick.

- Carla: Look at me baby.
- Okay, right.

Carla: Just look at me.

You don't have to do
anything but watch.

I'm not doing anything,
I'm just...seriously...

Just look at me, baby.

(panting)

That's right, just look
at me, baby, just keep looking.

Wow!

Just keep looking
at me, baby.

Wow!

- Jesus.
- (Carla panting)

All right, I'm
good, I'm good.

Just keep looking
at me, baby.

Just keep looking.

That's right, baby.

- Wow, wow.
(knocking)

Hey, man.

Tobey: Hey man.

Hey, Carla.

Hello, Tobey.

I'm sorry, you guys
know each other?

Tobey: Oh yeah, Carla
and I, we go way back.

Of course.

Yeah, we were doing
something here.

I saw that.

Just me and my brother,
we're in a bit of a hurry.

This sweet boy
is your brother?

I do not believe that.

Well, it's true and we
gotta go, so out of my seat.

Listen, I know we didn't
get down to the exact nuts

and bolts of it, baby, but
a girl needs to pay the rent.

Right.

Oh right, sure.

How much?

$40.

That is more than fair.

That is more
than fair.

Here you go.

Thanks, baby.

Don't forget
about me, baby.

I won't.

I'm guessing you don't
want to talk about it.

What do you mean,
I can talk about it.

All right.

She got in the car, did
her thing, I was being polite.

There you go, that's a
reasonable explanation.

Yeah, there you go.
Where to?

Beautiful Glendale.

Ah, this just keeps
getting better and better.

Yeah.

Tobey: Well that
explains a lot.

Michael: What explains a lot?

Tobey: I mean every time I ask
are you dating anyone

you always say no.

Michael: Right, because I am
not dating anyone.

Tobey: A love that dare
not speak its name

in this day and
age is so sad.

Michael: Are you
talking about Carla?

- Tobey: Yeah.
- Michael: Carla?

Tobey: Yes.

Michael: I am not in
love with Carla.

Tobey: Okay, if you say so.

Michael: We just met.

Though she
seems very nice.

Tobey: She is very nice.

Michael: But if I were in
love with Carla, Tobey,

I would tell you because
I'm not a coward.

Tobey: Okay, fine.

Michael: And how
do you know her?

- Tobey: Jealous?
- Michael: Yeah, terribly.

Tobey: Don't be.
We're just friends.

Carla's an
old drug buddy.

Pretty good
kisser though.

Michael: Tell me about it,
oh my god...

# Just an ordinary night #

# Just an ordinary night #

# Just an ordinary night #

# Just an ordinary night #

(tires crunching on gravel)

(breaks squealing)

Tobey: This will
just take a minute.

What will
take just a minute?

My next errand.

Yeah. What is your next errand?
That is my actual question.

Just wait in the car.

Do the crossword,
smell the roses.

Relax.

(sigh)

# Just an ordinary night,
just an ordinary night #

# Just an ordinary night. #

(radio turns off)

Goofus: Wait, wait, wait.
Who's that?

Tobey: Relax, Goofus,
this is my brother.

Michael, go back and
wait in the car.

What are you doing?

Tobey: Come on, man,
just wait in the car.

Yeah, that's not going
to fucking happen.

Goofus: Your brother?

What's your
brother doing here?

I don't know your brother.
I barely know you.

You know me, Goofus.

I know, I'm Goofus.

What I don't know
is who you are.

Okay that's it,
I'm gone.

Goofus, wasn't I
going to give you $20?

That's right, yeah, you're
going to give me $20,

now pay up, mother fucker.

After you told
me that thing.

Right, right,
right, the thing.

Check the desert
outside Joshua Tree.

Tobey: Goofus, that's
not very helpful.

Goofus: There's a biker bar,

ask for Cindy...
god damn it,

don't you know shit
about fuck, dumb ass?

Now give me my money.

Michael: Is that one of your
new Scientology pals?

Correct.

In fact, a very famous actor,
who will remain nameless,

deep undercover,
working on a new role,

for a very important
motion picture...

(traffic sounds)

So, uh...

..sorry, baby,
this ride is over.

I thought you were going
to drive me around all day?

Yeah?

Well, I thought we were
picking up dry cleaning

and going to
the post office

and having those
job interviews,

not out searching for some
fucking drug connection.

Some fucking
drug connection?

Some fucking drug
connection,

is that what you think
we're looking for?

No I think we're looking
for the meaning of life.

Yes, of course we're looking
for a fucking drug connection.

What else could we be
possibly be looking for, Tobey?

The love of my life.

Michael: I'm sorry, what?

Theresa.

Theresa?

I had a dream about
her last night.

You had a dream
about Theresa?

Tobey: She's the only
one for me, Michael.

Now that I'm clean I could
help her, we could be happy.

Okay, remind me, saving
the junkie ex-girlfriend

who ruined your life,
is that...

which of the 12 steps is that?

Forget the steps, all right,
forget the program.

Forget all that.

I'm talking about the only woman
that I'm ever going to love,

the woman who is going to
bear my children,

I'm going to marry and
I'm going to grow old with.

Are you going to
help me or not?

No.

(starts engine)

("Kid Dynamite" by Squirrel Bait
playing)

(shuts off engine)

Well, thanks
for everything.

I just I don't want to help you
wreck your life, you know.

I know, and I really
appreciate it.

So what are you
going to do?

Tobey: I don't know.

I thought I might
give mom a call.

I mean I haven't talked
to her in a while, so...

Michael: Okay.

You going to tell
her about this?

Tobey: Why?

You don't think that I
should tell her that

my only brother won't help
me find my only reason

to go on living?

Dude...

..you better
have gas money.

I knew I could
count on you.

That's right you
can count on me.

(starts engine)

("Goldheart Mountaintop Queen
Directory" by Guided by Voices)

# Cold hands,
touching my face #

# Don't hide, the
snake can see you #

# Old friends, you
might not remember #

# Fading away... #

Tobey: Hey did I ever tell
you that I bought your book?

Michael: Really?
So that was you.

Tobey: I liked it,
even though...

Michael: What? What?

Tobey: Well, as you may
recall the younger brother

was a total loser asshole.

Michael: Well, yeah,
but that wasn't you.

I mean, sure it's a little
bit like you but, you know,

made a whole lot worse.

Tobey: Exactly.

Michael: Right.

Geez, okay, sorry.

Tobey: It's okay,
I'm used to it.

- Michael: Used to what?
- Tobey: You know.

Michael: No I don't know.
Know what?

Tobey: You making me
a whole lot worse...

- Michael: I don't do that, man.
- Tobey: Yes, you do.

Michael: No...

Tobey: It makes you
feel superior okay.

I need to be down
so you can be up.

- Michael: Oh, I'm up?
- Tobey: Yeah.

- Michael: Really, I'm up?
- Tobey: Yes.

Michael: Okay.

Well maybe compared to you
but compared to the rest

of the world, I'm in
the bottom 5% at best.

My best day I'm a bottom
five percenter, okay?

Tobey: There you go again,
putting me down

like you've always done.

Michael: I don't put you down.

I love you, you're
my brother, etc. Okay?

Tobey: Okay.
Anyway, I liked your book.

- Michael: Wow, thanks.
- Tobey: Mom liked it too.

Michael: You talked to
mom about my book?

Tobey: Sure, I mean,
she was pretty hurt.

I mean, the mother was
after all,

she was a controlling born again
bitch, wasn't she?

Michael: And Mom...wait,

Mom thought that was
supposed to be her?

Tobey: It was her.

Michael: Well yeah,
of course it was,

but made a whole
lot worse.

See that's what you have
to do when you're making things up

you have to make
them a whole lot worse

or a whole lot better...
whatever.

That's what the
people expect,

it's what they want,
you know.

I mean take Little
Red Riding Hood,

if she had made it to
her grandmother's house

all safe and sound,

the audience would have
been disappointed or bored.

Oh god forbid, we wouldn't
want that now would we?

So, um, what about
this new one?

Well, it's made up too.

- Really?
- Mm-hmm.

About what?

Two brothers.

Uh huh, and what
are they like?

Um, well in this one
the older brother

is the total asshole and
the younger one, he's okay.

You know, he's a good driver,
people like him

and he's going to be okay.

Right.
And what happens?

Um, well they drive around
in a car looking for a girl.

And that's it?

Yeah, so far.

That sounds pretty boring.

Thanks,
any suggestions?

Not off the top
of my head, no.

How about if one
of the brothers

is actually from
the future...

Uh-huh.

..and he's actually the son
of the other brother?

And the woman that
they're looking for

is actually his mom

who his dad
hasn't met yet.

Okay.

It's actually him so
if he doesn't find her

then you know, I mean,
he'll never exist.

Pfft. Wow, that's
a sci-fi incest

with a twist of
existentialism.

I like it, it's good.

Thanks.

Why is it existential?

Well, uh, seeing that
existentialism maintains

roughly that all you can
really know about life

is that you exist

and any value and meaning
that you have

is created by your
own will rather than

any innate human nature
or transcendent purpose.

And the one brother can be seen
as searching for himself,

for his own creator,

or since he's his own father,
his own god, as it were.

Those four years of
college really paid off.

I know, mind blowing.

Worth every penny... motherfucker.

(loud bang)

Jesus!

That was weird,
don't you think?

We were just talking
about what would happen

in your book and then
we got a flat tire.

Yeah, but I think some
might say a flat tire

isn't much in the way
of plot development.

Yeah. Still it was a bit
scary even for me.

You were very,
very scared.

No I wasn't.

Tobey: Okay, if you say so.

Okay, is this part of your
whole I'm a coward theory?

Tobey: No.

No?

But...

Michael: But what?

You know...

Michael: No, I don't know.

You're a wall flower.

- A wall flower?
- Tobey: Yeah.

Even when we were kids,
I mean you'd watch

the school burn down but you
wouldn't light a match.

Okay, but that's just
because it's all fun and

games until someone's
eye catches on fire.

Exactly, and that is why
you don't do what you want.

I don't do what I want?
I do what I want.

- No, you don't.
- Yeah I do.

No, you sit in your room
and write about it

and that's the difference
between you and me

because I'm out there on the
street with the people

living my life.

Okay, so you live your life
and I don't, is that right?

Correct-a-mundo.

Did you just say
'Correct-a-mundo'?

Correct-a-mundo.

Michael: That's great.
You know what?

Why don't you live your
life a little bit more

and get the fucking
tire off the car.

How about that?

I'm going to go take a piss.

('Call of the Wild'
by The Nils playing)

Tobey: Back in a minute.

Michael: Great.

(seatbelt clicking)

(buttons clicking)

Hey there, uh...
just it's me again.

I'm just trying to...
thought I'd get you...

so...

uh, you know, looking forward
to seeing you tonight and...

anyway, uh,

I'll try again later, okay.

So...

Love you, babe. Okay.

(sigh)

Michael: So...?

Tobey: So Cindy says
that there's a house

with a silver Gulfstream parked
in back just off the highway

about 20 miles
outside of town

and we should ask
the old lady there.

Michael: Ask the old lady?

Tobey: Yeah. Ask the old lady.

('Final Day' by
Young Marble Giants playing)

Tobey: You know I have
a really good feeling

about this Michael, I think
that we're getting close.

Michael: Oh yes, so do I.

Tobey: Okay, Dick Chaney...

..or Harriet Myers?

- Michael: Dick Chaney.
- Tobey: Really?

Yeah, just like that,
big Dick Chaney?

Michael: Yeah, yeah, he's
got that sexy little mouth

and he's tough, I mean he
could suck a golf ball

through a garden hose.

And Harriet Myers, you
know yeah, she's super hot

but you know it's like
having sex with someone

who's mentally
incapacitated.

It's not ethical.

Tobey: Okay, well I admire
your moral fortitude.

Michael: Thank you,
thank you very much.

- Staying on the political bent.
- Tobey: Yeah?

George Bush or Bono Vox?

Tobey: Ah, I have to
go George W.

- Michael: Really?
- Tobey: Yeah.

Michael: Really?

Tobey: Yeah Bono...
he's greasy.

I'd do anything to
get close to Laura.

Laura is sexy.

Michael: Yeah.

Tobey: Did you know
she smokes pot?

- Michael: Does not.
- Tobey: Does too.

Secret service guys are
copping for her all the time,

it's common knowledge.

Michael: Huh, well that explains
the smile, I guess.

Tobey: Yeah, okay moving on.

Hilary Swank or
Marilyn Manson?

Michael: Well, that
is a tough one

but in a pinch
I guess...

Tobey: Pull over.
Michael, pull over the car!

Michael: Okay,
I saw the guy,

you're not the only one
that saw the guy.

Damn it.

What the fuck is going on?

(speaking Spanish)
What's the problem?

Manuel cut his fingers,
he slipped chopping the tree.

Two fingers, cut right off.

Tobey: Where is he?

Right there.

Let's get him to a hospital.

- Man: Gracias.
- It's nothing.

(speaking English)
What's going on?

You still don't
speak Spanish?

No.

How long have you
been living in LA?

8 years.

And you don't
speak Spanish?

I'm not a language person, man.

It's a good thing you
didn't become a writer

or something like that.

Whoa, whoa.

Holy shit, Jesus Christ
man...oh my god!

Whoa, whoa.

Whoa! What's going on?
What's going on, man?

What's going on, man?
What's going on, man?

Tobey: He cut off a
couple of his fingers.

His fingers?

We got to get him
to a hospital.

Okay, well where's
the hospital?

I have no idea.

Okay...

(speaking Spanish) Do you know where
the nearest hospital is?

To the highway, turn right.

Tobey: (in English) Go to
the highway and turn right.

Michael: Okay.

Ugh. God. How did he
cut his fingers?

Chopping down
those Joshua trees.

Why were they
cutting them down?

I don't know.

(in Spanish) Why were you
cutting down those trees?

A man hired us.

He wants to build a golf course,

but people said no
because of the trees,

so he hired us,
to cut them down.

(speaking English)
Tobey: To make a golf course.

Michael: Right.

Ugh. How's he doing?

(speaking Spanish)
How are you, friend?

On a scale of one to 10?

About and eight.

(laughter)

(in English)
I think he'll make it?

Okay...

I think he'll be
all right.

Yeah?

Yeah, they're
getting pretty good

at sewing
things back on.

Yeah.

I know what
you're thinking.

- No you don't.
- You're thinking that

you're better than me
because you speak Spanish.

That is pretty incredible

because that's exactly
what I was thinking.

I mean, what can I say,
it's a gift.

I know what
you're thinking.

No, you don't.

You're thinking you're
better than me because

you knew what I was thinking.

Wow.

Not bad,
not bad at all.

Thanks.

Michael: So?

Total bust.

Michael: All right,
well, let's go.

She wants us
to have lunch.

Michael: Come on man, no way.

No way!

You see this is what
I'm talking about.

Michael: What?

Life wants to shake your hand
and you're shaking your head.

Forget it, get it
in the car okay.

Just get in the car...

It's like if I asked you
is this glass of beer half full

or half empty,
and you said, "I hate beer".

Get in the fucking car!

Fucking motherfucker...
Lunch?

How is the chicken?

It was great,
thank you very much.

I have pie, coffee?

Yes, please.

Woman: Pumpkin or cherry?

Uh, cherry.

Pumpkin.

No, I'll take it.

Thank you.

There we go.

Woman: I brought cream
and sugar,

but you fix it
the way you like it.

Thank you very much.

There is a secret
at this table.

A secret?

Woman: Yes, a secret.

Well, um...

..what kind of secret?

What kind of secret?

Yeah.

What kind of secret?

What kind of secret?

What kind of secret?

What kind of secret?

Oh!

(clears throat)

That was very scary.

('Driveway to Driveway'
by Superchunk playing)

Tobey: Well?

Michael: Well what?

Well, what's
your big secret?

I don't have a big secret.

Henrietta seemed to think
you had some big secret.

Me, why me?

Why you?

Because she was looking
right at you, that's why you.

Well that could have
been a welcome look,

it could have been a rhetorical
look, it could have been

a, you know, I'm a fucking
crazy desert lady look.

It could have been
a lot of looks.

For all we know
she has a secret

or you or there
is no secret.

I think we both know
that you have some secret.

Nope.

Yeah, you do.

- No, I don't.
- Yes you do.

- No.
- Yeah.

No.

- Yeah.
- Okay, okay fine.

How about this then?

How about you tell me
what day it is today?

Today is Tuesday.

Tuesday, that is
correct, it is Tuesday.

It's Tuesday
November 12th.

That sounds about right.

Right.

Which happens to be...

Christmas.

Close, my birthday.

- Really?
- Yeah, really.

- Really?
- Yeah.

You're joking right?

No.

It's not next
week, the 21st?

No, today is the big day.

Wow...I feel awful.

Michael: Not surprised.

No, I mean, I had a big
party planned.

Michael: Oh well that's a shame.

I'd ordered a cake,
and a magic act,

and an elephant.

I mean, this is a disaster,

I-I feel crushed.

Well, try not to
take it too hard, okay?

You're right, you're right,
it's not about me.

Despite my heartache,
this is about you.

- This is your big day.
- That's right.

Pull over at
the next stop

because we're
going to celebrate.

No.

Really?

Oh okay, I will.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

Wow.

Happy birthday.

Yeah, well I gotta
say I don't feel

that comfortable
drinking with you.

You're not.

- Thanks.
- Yeah.

So where to?

Forget all that,
it's your birthday.

Michael: Oh I'm not much of
a birthday person.

In fact, you and mom are really
the ones who know my birthday.

Although technically
speaking,

I guess mom is the only one
that knows.

I know it, I just
got it mixed up.

So, how is 38 so far?

Fuck you, 37,
I turned 37 today.

I'm joking.

How could I forget, I mean
I'm 35, you used to be 36

and how is 37 so far?

So far, it's awesome.

So where to?

Sure?

Hey, did Ulysses quit
after the Cyclops?

- No.
- No, he did not.

- Okay.
- Okay.

The Valley.

The Valley it is.

('Freak Scene' by Dinosaur Jr
playing)

# Seen enough to eye you #

# But I've seen too
much to try you #

# It's always weirdness #

# while you dig it much
too much to fry you #

# The weirdness
flows between us #

# anyone could
tell to see us #

# Freak scene just
can't believe us #

# Why can't it just be
cool and free us? #

Tobey: Hey, hey, whoa, whoa...

Do you guys know
which way is west?

- Yeah, it's that way.
- No.

Are you guys
going west?

- No.
- Yeah.

- No!
- Can you give me a lift?

No, no, no. What are you...

Don't let her get...what
the fuck...don't let her.

Whoa, whoa, whoa,
what are you doing?

I'm going west.
I'm going west.

Oh, come on.

Why would you
open the door?

- She opened the door.
- Why are you opening it?

You definitely
opened the door.

Oh my god, thank
you guys so much.

Hey no problem,
no problem.

(indistinct cross-talk)

What are we going to do?

We're just going to
drive her around...

Woman: I was in
the bathroom...

opened up the
door and then...

Michael: You went to the bathroom?
Are you going?

Woman: I was standing...
outside,

I don't even know...
thank god for you guys.

- Michael: Yeah.
- Woman: You guys are awesome!

Washington was awesome!

We used to really party.

And I love to fucking party.

No way, really?

I love George Bush because
he used to really party.

Oh god.
Of course, of course.

He was not gay,

he knew what he had to
do and he just did it

and he wasn't a fag about
it like some people I know.

Michael: Totally, are you
talking about the war

where we killed hundreds
of thousands of people

for no reason?

Totally, you're right.

I'm so glad he wasn't
a fag about that?

That's awesome.

You know you're powers
of political analysis

are really just going
to waste here in LA.

For the sake of the
country you need to get

back to Washington
immediately,

and preferably start a blog.

You should start blogging...
up your ass.

You-- you fucking
don't understand,

you don't get it.

No I don't, I don't get it.
I don't get it.

We're at war,
we're at fucking war?

We're at war?
We're at war? Wow, fuck!

Are you serious?

So fucking loose
lips sink ships...

so you should just
shut the fuck up.

You should shut the fuck up
in my fucking car

you stupid
fucking Reganite.

You shut up and you
shut the fuck up.

You shut the fuck up, man.

Can you get the coffee?

I want to talk to my brother
for a second.

That's a good idea,
you should go get the coffee.

Go get the coffee.

Sure.

I can do that.

Well then go do it.

Fuck.

You need to start considering
other people's feelings.

Okay.

What are you doing?

Ditching the neo-con
hooker alcoholic?

- No, we can't leave her.
- Yes, we can.

- No, we can't.
- Yes... we can.

- No... we can't.
- Dude, yes we can.

- We can. Yes.
- No.

('Wild Sage' by
The Mountain Goats)

This is it.

Where?

Here.

Tobey: We're here.

Wakey, wakey, Dorothy.
You're home.

(throwing up)

Do you believe in
the apocalypse?

Sure, but I feel that way
every time I go to the Valley.

No, seriously,
the end of the world,

that it's coming soon?

Well, seriously sure,
but who doesn't?

Exactly, that's
what's bugging me.

Okay, I'll bite,
what's bugging you?

Well, Mom for starts,
with the Bible,

the Jews returning to Palestine
and everyone getting

666 barcodes
and all that junk.

She's wrecking it.

Mom is wrecking
the apocalypse?

Not just Mom,
all those rapture people.

I mean they're making it
like you can't enjoy it.

Michael: So the rapture
people are preventing you

from enjoying the
end of the world.

- Tobey: Yeah.
- Michael: Got it.

Tobey: In fact, you know I've
just changed my mind.

I no longer believe that
the world is going to end.

Michael: Just like that?

Tobey: Yeah, just like that.

Well, I feel great.

You should come on over to
the sunny side of the street.

Michael: No, thanks.

Tobey: What if I gave you $5?

- Michael: No.
- Tobey: Five American dollars?

Michael: My convictions
cannot be bought sir.

Okay, ten
American dollars?

No.

You really don't think
that we can figure a way

out of this
Apocalypse thing?

Invent something new,
put it on the internet?

Maybe have a good rock
concert or something?

Well what I think is that
the human race is made up

for the most part of
humans and unfortunately

for humans most of us are too
stupid to save ourselves.

If you don't have much
hope for the parts,

you can't have much hope
for the whole, can you?

Wow, you're a real barrel
of laughs, Mr Birthday boy.

(noisemaker)

(woman moaning)

Oh, fuck, big cock, yes,
get it in there...

Yes, fuck me hard...
really deep.

Fuck me harder.
Oh yeah.

Come on, Carl, fuck her.

Actually fuck her.

- Woman: Oh, fuck me harder.
- Please.

- (doorbell ringing)
- Cut!

Who the fuck is
locking down the set?

Me, sorry about that.

You are killing me, Danny.

- (door bell ringing)
- You're fucking killing me.

Sorry, it won't
happen again.

I know it won't happen
again because if it

happens again I will
fucking kill you.

Okay? Take five.

Sorry, ladies.
Carl.

(door bell ringing)

Answer the fucking door, Danny.

- Dude. What the Fuck?
- Hey man. What?

So then, then I was at
a party and I was pregnant

so-- so I went into the
bathroom to give birth

but it was a puppy.

No way.

- Yes way.
- What kind?

He was a mutt
and he was so cute.

So little and
he wasn't well.

He was really, really sick
so I picked him up

and I wrapped him in a towel and
I walked from room to room

asking everyone if they
could help my baby

because he was dying and they
all just looked and said,

"Oh my god, you gave
birth to a puppy."

And what happened next?

He died.

It was so sad.

I know, honey,
that's really sad.

Then I woke up.

Good, I'm glad
you woke up.

Ladies, let's pick it up
from the tandem...

Carl, you over here on
Anna...eat the pussy,

then the rimming,
then the anal...got it?

Carl: Yeah, first the pussy,
then the rimming,

then come on her face.

Wait, no,
that's not it.

Don't tell me, it's
tit fucking, right?

Pussy, the rimming,
the tit fucking,

then come on her face.

What are they
doing in there?

Tupperware party.

Ah, right.

More friends
from the church.

Yeah, pretty much.

('Rough Gem' by Islands playing)

And what did
they have to say?

Tobey: Long Beach.

Michael: Long Beach,
of course.

In the end, all roads lead
to Long Beach, don't they?

Tobey: Yeah, it seems
that they do.

You know I've been
thinking about it for a while

and I finally decided
they should trade Theodore...

Michael: Now you're
talking crazy.

Tobey: You see that
Carolina game?

Michael: Well, I listened
to it...

Tobey: On the radio?

Michael: Yeah, on
my old shortwave.

Tobey: Okay, well if you
watched the game on television

like a normal person you
would have seen him let in

that floater from
Cole on the first shot.

I mean, that's not worth
5 million dollars a year.

Michael: One soft goal.

Tobey: They beat us 8-2.

He let in five goals
on 10 shots...

..the Carolina Hurricanes.

We, the Montreal Canadiens,

got beat 8-2 by the
Carolina Hurricanes.

Okay, so what's
your plan, hotshot?

You trade Jose for a little
depth on the fourth line,

quality defenseman
and someone out front

who can put the
puck in the net.

You start Huet, you bring out
the kid Danis as a backup,

Huet gets hot, we
get the 8th playoff spot,

the team rallies behind him, we
catch the other teams off-guard,

over confident and then
we win the Stanley Cup

for the 25th time.

Little simple,
but I like it.

Yeah, I like it.

Michael: You know if
we don't find her down here,

it's our last stop.

Tobey: Yeah, I know.

(knocking on door)

I know you're in there,
the TV's on.

Come on, open up.

(Knocking)

Man: Jesus, dude,
where's the fire?

In my ass, man,
where's the bathroom key?

Want me to buy something?
Here.

Come on man, unless you want to
see me shit my pants.

Hey, it's me again and...

..it's 5:00 and I was just,
you know...

..I still don't know
when I'm going to be done

so I'll just call you
later I guess, again.

Uh... What's this?

It's a pony.

Happy birthday.

Michael: All right.
What are you doing, man?

Well, I thought you
could use the company.

Look at him,
he's a good kid.

I don't want a dog.

Sure you do.

Even if you don't,
we can't leave him here.

Well, he's got to
belong to someone.

Hey man, is this your dog?

Why ese?
You want to fuck him?

No...

Wow.

Yeah. Look he's got no tags
and what kind of a person

leaves a dog out in
the middle of nowhere?

Michael: Right, get in the
back fucking dog.

Come on.

# Be what you want #

# Whoa, be what you want #

What is that
dude's deal,

he's like flipping
us off now?

Tobey: The guy is
totally a racist.

Michael: Well, we're white.

You can't be racists
against white people.

No, I mean racist
against Canadians.

Everybody hates
fucking Canadians.

Well yeah, and with good reason,
but still,

to just flip us off like that,
that's fuckin' rude.

('Suzanne' by Leonard Cohen
playing)

# And you know that
she's half crazy #

# But that's why you
want to be there #

# And she feeds you
tea and oranges #

# That come all the
way from China #

# And just when you
mean to tell her #

# That you have no
love to give her #

# Then she gets you
on her wavelength #

# And she lets
the river answer #

# That you've always
been her lover #

# And you want to
travel with her #

# And you want
to travel blind #

# And you know that
she will trust you #

# For you've touched
her perfect body #

# With your mind #

# And Jesus was
a sailor... #

Michael: Well,
you tried your best.

Yeah.

Searched the whole beach.

Yeah.

Oh, look at that.

What?

- Punch buggy!
- Ow!

(soft piano playing)

Michael: Everything I've ever
done has been a total failure.

Tobey: You don't have to try
and cheer me up.

No, no, no.
I'm not, I'm serious, you know.

Everything.

All my dreams and hopes...

..total fucking disaster.

How did that happen?

I don't know.

Is this the one about the
stupid white guy who sadly

wastes his life or is it
the one where the sad

white guy stupidly
wastes his life?

That's a good question.

Um...the first one.
You know...

Right.

Well...

I mean, all I can tell you is...

..don't worry, kid,

you're a good driver,
people like you.

You're going to be okay.

Seriously though,
just for a minute.

You're going to do
great things this year.

Great, great things.
Trust me.

Yeah.

Michael: Sorry we didn't
find Theresa.

Tobey: Thanks.

We did drive a long way
on a dream. (scoffs)

What dream?

The dream you had
about Theresa.

Oh yeah, I did
say that, didn't I?

You didn't have a dream?

Tobey: No...made it up.

Why would you do that?

Because I didn't think
you'd like the truth.

What are you crazy?
I love the truth.

Everybody loves the truth.

What's better
than the truth?

Okay, if you say so.

She called me last night.

We talked for hours, we
talked like we never had before.

We made a lot of mistakes
but this is it for us.

Move to the country,
a couple of chickens,

eat a bunch of peaches...

Michael: What are you
talking about?

Marriage.

She wants to get married.

Well, Tobey, you don't even
know where she is.

- Tobey: Yeah.
- So...

Apparently she's been
seeing some guy,

she needs to finish that,
get her affairs in order.

She asked me to give her
a couple of days but

I've never been too good with
that kind of thing, you know.

Wow, well that's
great, man.

That's really great.

We should celebrate.

Yeah.
Yeah, let's do that.

Michael: Yeah.

('Last Night on Earth'
by Mekons playing)

- Wow...
- Yeah.

- Double or nothing?
- No, fuck it.

Let's get drunk.

Michael: Need a beer, a shot
of whiskey and a club soda.

# You can't live alone #

# You can't live alone #

- There you go.
- Thanks.

# You can't live alone,
last night on earth #

# Last night on earth,
last night on earth #

# Last night on earth,
last night on earth #

# Last night on earth,
last night on earth... #

# They can't hurt you now #

So look, um...

..I'm really
happy for you.

Don't get me wrong.

But are you sure
this is a good idea?

Sure I'm sure.

All right.

# Last night on earth,
last night on earth #

# Last night on earth,
last night on earth... #

You haven't seen
Theresa in how long?

Six months.

Six months and then she just--
she calls you once

out of the blue...

..and you don't know
where she's been living

or what she's been doing and now--
now you're getting married.

Is that...?

Tobey: Mike...

I'm...okay.

It's the most important
thing in my life.

Michael: Yeah, it is,
I know that.

I'm just...

I'm just saying,
you know...

..just saying...

There she is.

What?

Theresa.

# To find your love #

# That you left behind... #

Michael, you
remember Theresa?

Sure, yeah.
It's been a while.

Theresa: Yeah.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Birthday, reunion,
calls for another round.

Please...

Been trying to
call all day.

I didn't really want to
talk about it on the phone.

Michael: Okay.

Michael, there's so much
I need to explain.

Don't bother, I already
know all about it.

So, no big deal.

He really loves me.

I never felt that you, that you
know, you really loved me.

Sure, just do me one favour
and just don't ever,

ever tell him anything...

like the truth
about anything, okay?

- Theresa: Okay.
- Good. Great.

Happy birthday.

What's that, is that some
kind of fucking joke?

No.

To new beginnings...

Yeah, new beginnings.

(glasses clinking)

I'm going to go
check on the dog.

The dog is fine.

Just to be safe,
I'll be back in a sec.

# Who... #

# ..are you? #

# Who... #

# ..are you? #

(starts engine)

('Hard Drive' by Evan Dando
playing)

# This is the town
I'm living in #

# This is the street
I'm walking down #

# These are the friends
I'm visiting #

# These are the clothes
I'm wearing now #

# This is the house
I'm building here #

# This is the girl
I'm marrying #

# This is the chord
I'm strumming now #

# This is the faith
I'm leaning on #

# This is the child
I'm bearing now #

# This is the love
that I've always had #

# This is the face
I make when I'm sad #

# This the town
I'm living in #

# This is the hard drive #

# This is the ocean #

# Have you ever felt
yourself in motion? #

# Have you ever felt yourself
in motion? #

# These are the feet
I'm standing on #

# These are the hands
that built a world #

# This is the bed
I'm sleeping in #

# This is the shirt
I'm buttoning #

# This is the pace
I'm moving at #

# This is the tune
I'm humming now #

# This is the road
I'm walking down #

# These are the lips
that form my words #

# This is the stone
that I want to turn #

# These are the people
that I love #

# These are the eyes
that look up above #

# This is the town
I'm living in #

# This is the hard drive #

# This is the ocean #

# Have you ever felt
yourself in motion? #

# Have you ever felt yourself
in motion? #

(phone rings)

Hello?

Hi, Mom.

Thanks.

Yeah, it was good.

Uh, I spent it with Tobey.

Not much,
just drove around.

Yeah.

Yeah, I bet you're right.

I bet it'll be
a very good year.

('Passenger Side'
by Wilco playing)

# Hey, wake up #

# Your eyes weren't open wide #

# For the last couple of miles
you've been swerving #

# From side to side #

# You're going to
make me spill my beer #

# If you don't you
learn how to steer #

# Passenger side #

# Passenger side #

# I don't like riding... #

# ..on the passenger side #

# Roll another number
for the road #

# You're the only
sober person I know #

# Won't you let me
make you a deal #

# Just get behind
the wheel #

# Passenger side #

# Passenger side #

# I don't like riding... #

# ..on the passenger side #

# Should've been the driver #

# Could've been the one #

# I should've been your lover #

# But I hadn't seen #

# Can you take me
to the store? #

# Then the bank? #

# I've got five dollars #

# We can put in the tank #

# I've got a court date
coming this June #

# I'll be driving soon #

# Passenger side #

# Passenger side #

# I don't like riding... #

# ..on the passenger side #

# I don't like riding... #

# ..on the passenger side. #