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1
00:00:01,272 --> 00:00:02,840
RIP DIGMAN: Mount Quiquaran.
2
00:00:02,841 --> 00:00:05,843
One of history's most
lethal supervolcanos.
3
00:00:05,844 --> 00:00:08,545
In 200 BC, a series
of deadly eruptions
4
00:00:08,546 --> 00:00:10,547
had decimated the local tribe.
5
00:00:10,548 --> 00:00:14,251
So the elders turned to the
great artisan Tiliktakorkatan,
6
00:00:14,252 --> 00:00:17,154
who sculpted an
offering to the gods...
7
00:00:17,155 --> 00:00:19,790
the Molten Idol.
8
00:00:19,791 --> 00:00:21,091
- It's beautiful.
- And yet...
9
00:00:21,092 --> 00:00:23,327
not so beautiful as
you, love of my life,
10
00:00:23,328 --> 00:00:25,195
keeper and tender-to
of my loins.
11
00:00:25,196 --> 00:00:26,663
I thought it'd be
more impressive.
12
00:00:26,664 --> 00:00:29,500
Because you have no appreciation
for true beauty, Zane!
13
00:00:29,501 --> 00:00:31,602
You know, legend has it
that removing the idol
14
00:00:31,603 --> 00:00:33,303
will cause Quiquaran to erupt.
15
00:00:33,304 --> 00:00:36,306
'Tis true. But as we
all know, legends...
16
00:00:36,307 --> 00:00:39,176
are rarely... real.
17
00:00:39,177 --> 00:00:40,944
Oh, fuck, I don't want to die!
18
00:00:40,945 --> 00:00:42,413
Get the fuck out of the way!
19
00:00:42,414 --> 00:00:43,514
I guess that legend was real.
20
00:00:43,515 --> 00:00:45,048
Shut the fuck up, Zane.
21
00:00:45,049 --> 00:00:46,550
Swooper, get us out of here!
22
00:00:46,551 --> 00:00:47,918
No can do, boss.
23
00:00:47,919 --> 00:00:49,820
That volcano's hotter
than Andy Capp's wife
24
00:00:49,821 --> 00:00:51,555
when he's been out
at the pub all night.
25
00:00:51,556 --> 00:00:53,323
Meet me on the other
side of the jungle.
26
00:00:53,324 --> 00:00:55,325
But that jungle's filled with...
27
00:00:55,326 --> 00:00:56,760
Corpus floraria.
28
00:00:56,761 --> 00:00:58,095
- The death flower.
- The death flower.
29
00:00:58,096 --> 00:01:00,198
Jesus, Zane, don't interrupt me.
30
00:01:01,332 --> 00:01:02,499
- [screeching]
- [Rip laughing]
31
00:01:02,500 --> 00:01:04,401
That bird got bonked. Uh-oh.
32
00:01:04,402 --> 00:01:06,303
Looks like the
natives are restless.
33
00:01:06,304 --> 00:01:07,571
Hello, I'm an attorney
34
00:01:07,572 --> 00:01:09,206
representing the
Mondonesian tribe.
35
00:01:09,207 --> 00:01:11,308
We respectfully ask that you
don't steal the Molten Idol
36
00:01:11,309 --> 00:01:12,776
as it's a culturally sig...
37
00:01:12,777 --> 00:01:14,111
We're off the hook!
38
00:01:14,112 --> 00:01:15,512
And we'll never have to
think about the questions
39
00:01:15,513 --> 00:01:16,613
they were raising
or ponder the ethics
40
00:01:16,614 --> 00:01:17,614
of what we're doing ever again.
41
00:01:17,615 --> 00:01:19,216
Power slide!
42
00:01:19,217 --> 00:01:21,852
Everybody lay a patch or we'll
be riding the pale horse.
43
00:01:21,853 --> 00:01:23,320
Nobody understands
your old-timey lingo.
44
00:01:23,321 --> 00:01:24,556
That's horsefeathers!
45
00:01:25,223 --> 00:01:26,757
[screams]
46
00:01:26,758 --> 00:01:28,292
Bella! Whip!
47
00:01:28,293 --> 00:01:29,593
Don't panic, the
death flower's poison
48
00:01:29,594 --> 00:01:31,295
takes 30 minutes to set in.
49
00:01:31,296 --> 00:01:33,263
There's a hospital with the
antidote ten minutes from here.
50
00:01:33,264 --> 00:01:35,966
Thank God. I wouldn't be
able to live without you.
51
00:01:35,967 --> 00:01:37,201
I can't die yet, babe.
52
00:01:37,202 --> 00:01:38,435
I still haven't seen The Artis.
53
00:01:38,436 --> 00:01:40,170
Oh, man, it looks so good.
54
00:01:40,171 --> 00:01:43,340
I can't imagine a better
movie will come out in 2011.
55
00:01:43,341 --> 00:01:45,175
The current year? Yeah. I agree.
56
00:01:45,176 --> 00:01:46,276
- [gun cocks]
- ZANE: All right.
57
00:01:46,277 --> 00:01:48,111
- Enough 2011 talk.
- Zane.
58
00:01:48,112 --> 00:01:49,179
What the hell are you doing?
59
00:01:49,180 --> 00:01:50,781
Oh, I'm taking the idol.
60
00:01:50,782 --> 00:01:53,383
It'll be my first acquisition
as the new head arky of The Met.
61
00:01:53,384 --> 00:01:55,252
But we work for the Smithsonian.
62
00:01:55,253 --> 00:01:56,587
Not anymore, Rippy.
63
00:01:56,588 --> 00:01:58,489
I'm sick of you
treating me like shit.
64
00:01:58,490 --> 00:02:00,891
What? You're the best
inferior I've ever had.
65
00:02:00,892 --> 00:02:02,159
I always tell you that!
66
00:02:02,160 --> 00:02:04,027
Consider this my resignation.
67
00:02:04,028 --> 00:02:05,362
Fuck that, you're fired.
68
00:02:05,363 --> 00:02:07,364
Fine. Have fun paying
my unemployment.
69
00:02:07,365 --> 00:02:09,701
No, no, no, you quit,
everyone heard it.
70
00:02:10,935 --> 00:02:12,736
Follow that speedboat.
71
00:02:12,737 --> 00:02:14,204
You sure? You
don't look so good.
72
00:02:14,205 --> 00:02:15,272
The important thing is the idol.
73
00:02:15,273 --> 00:02:16,207
We have enough time to grab it
74
00:02:16,208 --> 00:02:17,442
and get to the hospital.
75
00:02:18,710 --> 00:02:21,378
Whip! Swooper, I'm
out of whip range.
76
00:02:21,379 --> 00:02:23,347
We got to get
closer. Whip! Whip!
77
00:02:23,348 --> 00:02:26,149
[grunts] Almost got him.
78
00:02:26,150 --> 00:02:28,253
[bird screeches]
79
00:02:32,023 --> 00:02:33,657
[laughs]
80
00:02:33,658 --> 00:02:35,158
[gasps]
81
00:02:35,159 --> 00:02:37,094
Oh, I can't see anything.
82
00:02:37,095 --> 00:02:38,262
Did you get the idol?
83
00:02:38,263 --> 00:02:40,063
Yeah, I got it, babe.
84
00:02:40,064 --> 00:02:41,231
[coughs]
85
00:02:41,232 --> 00:02:42,332
I'm dying, Rip.
86
00:02:42,333 --> 00:02:43,901
Goodbye, my love.
87
00:02:43,902 --> 00:02:46,036
Tender-to of my loins.
88
00:02:46,037 --> 00:02:48,138
No, I will not let you die.
89
00:02:48,139 --> 00:02:51,341
I will not let you die!
90
00:02:51,342 --> 00:02:52,643
It's been 12 years
since Rip Digman
91
00:02:52,644 --> 00:02:54,278
let his wife Bella die,
92
00:02:54,279 --> 00:02:56,280
and in that time Rip's
former assistant Zane Troy
93
00:02:56,281 --> 00:02:59,082
has gone on to become the
greatest arky in the world
94
00:02:59,083 --> 00:03:01,285
while Rip, who was fired
by the Smithsonian,
95
00:03:01,286 --> 00:03:02,786
is now a has-been, a nobody,
96
00:03:02,787 --> 00:03:04,788
a real "Where are
they now?" situation.
97
00:03:04,789 --> 00:03:07,124
I'm sorry to keep going on,
my producer's telling me
98
00:03:07,125 --> 00:03:09,059
we're running short
and I need to stretch.
99
00:03:09,060 --> 00:03:11,161
You have to wonder what Rip
is even up to these days.
100
00:03:11,162 --> 00:03:14,831
I mean, my guess, he's just
sitting at home, jacking off.
101
00:03:14,832 --> 00:03:16,099
Yes, jacking off.
102
00:03:16,100 --> 00:03:17,668
And then crying because he feels
103
00:03:17,669 --> 00:03:19,436
like he's somehow
cheating on his dead wife,
104
00:03:19,437 --> 00:03:21,305
whose death he was
responsible for.
105
00:03:21,306 --> 00:03:22,806
And then jizzing.
106
00:03:22,807 --> 00:03:24,508
You know, one of those
lame halfway ones
107
00:03:24,509 --> 00:03:26,009
where you're somehow out
of rhythm with yourself.
108
00:03:26,010 --> 00:03:27,477
I don't know, maybe
I'm projecting now.
109
00:03:27,478 --> 00:03:29,314
Either way, the guy's a loser.
110
00:03:35,620 --> 00:03:36,687
RIP: Morning, Agatha.
111
00:03:36,688 --> 00:03:38,655
Any museums call for an arky?
112
00:03:38,656 --> 00:03:41,325
No museum has called
in ten years, Rip.
113
00:03:41,326 --> 00:03:44,027
Well, excuse me
for being hopeful!
114
00:03:44,028 --> 00:03:45,495
There's no need to yell.
115
00:03:45,496 --> 00:03:47,631
You're right. My many apologies.
116
00:03:47,632 --> 00:03:49,032
You're just lonely.
117
00:03:49,033 --> 00:03:50,667
You should start dating again.
118
00:03:50,668 --> 00:03:53,337
Thanks, Agatha, but the only
dating I'm interested in...
119
00:03:53,338 --> 00:03:55,506
is carbon dating.
120
00:03:58,276 --> 00:04:00,344
[Rip humming]
121
00:04:00,345 --> 00:04:02,479
I cleaned your jeep, Rip.
122
00:04:02,480 --> 00:04:04,147
Man, there sure were
a lot of tear stains
123
00:04:04,148 --> 00:04:06,183
on the steering wheel.
124
00:04:06,184 --> 00:04:08,652
You must've been crying a lot.
125
00:04:08,653 --> 00:04:10,721
[chuckles] Yeah,
thanks, Swooper.
126
00:04:10,722 --> 00:04:13,156
If anybody needs me, I'll
be in my secret chamber.
127
00:04:13,157 --> 00:04:15,092
You mean you're going
into your private bathroom
128
00:04:15,093 --> 00:04:16,827
for your morning dump.
129
00:04:16,828 --> 00:04:17,662
No.
130
00:04:17,663 --> 00:04:19,563
The Holy Grail.
131
00:04:19,564 --> 00:04:22,266
The term people use to
describe the coolest thing
132
00:04:22,267 --> 00:04:23,533
in every other profession
133
00:04:23,534 --> 00:04:24,835
is that thing in archaeology.
134
00:04:24,836 --> 00:04:26,870
- Ooh, ooh.
- Yes, Saltine?
135
00:04:26,871 --> 00:04:28,772
Have you ever tried to
find the Holy Grail?
136
00:04:28,773 --> 00:04:31,808
Well, every shovel bum worth
their salt has given it a shot.
137
00:04:31,809 --> 00:04:34,277
But its location is
archaeology's greatest mystery.
138
00:04:34,278 --> 00:04:37,648
They say that just one sip
from it can heal any ailment.
139
00:04:37,649 --> 00:04:39,583
So, if someone in
the class found it,
140
00:04:39,584 --> 00:04:40,817
would we get extra credit?
141
00:04:40,818 --> 00:04:43,420
- [chuckles] Yeah, sure.
- Great.
142
00:04:43,421 --> 00:04:45,222
No need to invite
me to any parties
143
00:04:45,223 --> 00:04:46,990
this weekend, classmates.
144
00:04:46,991 --> 00:04:48,392
I've got plans.
145
00:04:48,393 --> 00:04:49,626
Eat a pile of shit, nerd.
146
00:04:49,627 --> 00:04:51,595
I'd rather sift
through said shit
147
00:04:51,596 --> 00:04:53,096
to discover secrets of the past.
148
00:04:53,097 --> 00:04:55,265
Wow, you're awfully
cheery, aren't you?
149
00:04:55,266 --> 00:04:56,366
Why wouldn't I be?
150
00:04:56,367 --> 00:04:57,734
I'm studying to be an arky,
151
00:04:57,735 --> 00:04:59,269
the greatest job in the world.
152
00:04:59,270 --> 00:05:00,270
Don't you ever miss it?
153
00:05:00,271 --> 00:05:01,405
Of course I miss it.
154
00:05:01,406 --> 00:05:02,739
The glory. The fame.
155
00:05:02,740 --> 00:05:04,341
I yearn for it still.
156
00:05:04,342 --> 00:05:05,876
Much like the wolf whelp yearns
157
00:05:05,877 --> 00:05:08,245
for its mother's
tough yet glossy teat.
158
00:05:08,246 --> 00:05:09,746
But now I've been reduced
159
00:05:09,747 --> 00:05:11,481
to the most degrading
job there is.
160
00:05:11,482 --> 00:05:12,983
Teaching.
161
00:05:12,984 --> 00:05:14,685
STUDENT: Then maybe you
shouldn't have killed your wife.
162
00:05:14,686 --> 00:05:16,854
-I didn't kill my wife! A bird did!
-[laughter]
163
00:05:18,856 --> 00:05:20,090
[gulps, sighs]
164
00:05:20,091 --> 00:05:22,859
Another RumChata. Neat.
165
00:05:22,860 --> 00:05:26,329
Professor, over here. It's
me, the student you hate.
166
00:05:26,330 --> 00:05:28,065
Oh, man. What are
you doing here?
167
00:05:28,066 --> 00:05:30,333
Okay, I was thinking about
how sad you were in class,
168
00:05:30,334 --> 00:05:31,768
so I started digging around,
169
00:05:31,769 --> 00:05:33,470
and I know how you can
become an arky again.
170
00:05:33,471 --> 00:05:34,504
Quail Eegan.
171
00:05:34,505 --> 00:05:35,872
The long-haired billionaire?
172
00:05:35,873 --> 00:05:37,607
The very same. He's
building a new museum
173
00:05:37,608 --> 00:05:39,076
and he needs a head arky,
174
00:05:39,077 --> 00:05:40,944
so he's holding a big
competition to find one.
175
00:05:40,945 --> 00:05:42,512
The whole thing
kicks off tonight.
176
00:05:42,513 --> 00:05:43,780
You. Should. Go.
177
00:05:43,781 --> 00:05:46,149
Huh, an intriguing proposition.
178
00:05:46,150 --> 00:05:49,019
Right? And you can bring
me as your assistant arky.
179
00:05:49,020 --> 00:05:50,320
Ha! No dice.
180
00:05:50,321 --> 00:05:52,355
Rip Digman rolls solo.
181
00:05:52,356 --> 00:05:54,257
But the arky union says you
have to have an assistant.
182
00:05:54,258 --> 00:05:57,761
Ugh. Stupid union coming up with
stupid rules so I don't die.
183
00:05:57,762 --> 00:05:59,196
But I'm still not
going to hire you.
184
00:05:59,197 --> 00:06:00,330
We don't even know each other.
185
00:06:00,331 --> 00:06:01,765
I mean, I don't even know...
186
00:06:01,766 --> 00:06:04,901
♪ If you like jazz ♪
187
00:06:04,902 --> 00:06:07,003
I really don't. But
I've wanted to be
188
00:06:07,004 --> 00:06:08,305
- an arky all my life.
- Okay.
189
00:06:08,306 --> 00:06:09,639
- I'm an amateur inventor.
- Okay.
190
00:06:09,640 --> 00:06:11,041
- I love Latin.
- Go on.
191
00:06:11,042 --> 00:06:12,843
Or should I say "Amo
linguam Latinam"?
192
00:06:12,844 --> 00:06:13,910
- [laughs]
- Oh, yeah, I don't get it.
193
00:06:13,911 --> 00:06:15,412
Oh, and my parents disowned me
194
00:06:15,413 --> 00:06:16,546
because they hate archaeology.
195
00:06:16,547 --> 00:06:19,282
♪ A de facto orphan. ♪
196
00:06:19,283 --> 00:06:20,851
You spin a good yarn, kid,
197
00:06:20,852 --> 00:06:23,420
but I'm still not sure we
connect on a cosmic level,
198
00:06:23,421 --> 00:06:24,654
at the base of the neural queue.
199
00:06:24,655 --> 00:06:25,856
Avatar ref.
200
00:06:25,857 --> 00:06:27,424
The event starts in 15 minutes
201
00:06:27,425 --> 00:06:28,625
and you have to
have an assistant.
202
00:06:28,626 --> 00:06:29,861
You're hired.
203
00:06:30,695 --> 00:06:33,130
Whoa. Every arky in
the world is here.
204
00:06:33,131 --> 00:06:36,933
Felix Cadbury, Kate
Kwan, Indiana Jones.
205
00:06:36,934 --> 00:06:37,835
And Zane Troy.
206
00:06:37,836 --> 00:06:39,202
- Wow.
- RIP: Ugh.
207
00:06:39,203 --> 00:06:41,104
- Come on.
- Sorry. I know he betrayed you,
208
00:06:41,105 --> 00:06:43,173
but he's like the most
famous person on Earth.
209
00:06:43,174 --> 00:06:44,775
Oh, fuck, don't
look. Don't look.
210
00:06:44,776 --> 00:06:47,244
Rip Digman. I guess
the rumors were true.
211
00:06:47,245 --> 00:06:48,345
You have gotten fatter.
212
00:06:48,346 --> 00:06:49,679
What are you doing here, Zane?
213
00:06:49,680 --> 00:06:51,114
The Met not paying you enough?
214
00:06:51,115 --> 00:06:52,382
I'm a businessman, Rip.
215
00:06:52,383 --> 00:06:53,750
I have to keep my options open.
216
00:06:53,751 --> 00:06:55,685
Besides, loyalty's overrated.
217
00:06:55,686 --> 00:06:57,220
Well, yeah, I agree with that.
218
00:06:57,221 --> 00:06:58,722
Wait, that was a reference
to how you betrayed me.
219
00:06:58,723 --> 00:07:00,590
-Saltine, punch this guy in the nuts.
-What?
220
00:07:00,591 --> 00:07:01,925
Forget it. You
blinked. It's over.
221
00:07:01,926 --> 00:07:03,493
- Sorry.
- You know, Rippy,
222
00:07:03,494 --> 00:07:05,262
we always did do
great work together.
223
00:07:05,263 --> 00:07:06,763
If you'd be interested
in becoming partners
224
00:07:06,764 --> 00:07:08,498
with a 50-50 split,
give me a call.
225
00:07:08,499 --> 00:07:09,566
Wait, really?
226
00:07:09,567 --> 00:07:11,568
Oh, son of a bitch!
227
00:07:11,569 --> 00:07:12,936
I'll just put it in
this pocket, though.
228
00:07:12,937 --> 00:07:15,172
No, don't keep it,
Rip. It's an insult.
229
00:07:15,173 --> 00:07:16,373
You must be new.
230
00:07:16,374 --> 00:07:17,774
Rip can't throw anything away.
231
00:07:17,775 --> 00:07:19,943
He's less of an arky
and more of a hoarder.
232
00:07:19,944 --> 00:07:22,546
- That's never been diagnosed!
- [laughter]
233
00:07:22,547 --> 00:07:25,515
ANNOUNCER: Ladies and
gentleme, please welcome
234
00:07:25,516 --> 00:07:29,486
Quail Eegan!
235
00:07:29,487 --> 00:07:30,654
Showmanship.
236
00:07:30,655 --> 00:07:32,489
Now, as you all know,
237
00:07:32,490 --> 00:07:33,757
I'm the best at everything.
238
00:07:33,758 --> 00:07:35,158
I've created the
best electric car,
239
00:07:35,159 --> 00:07:38,528
the best rockets, and the
best hologram of myself.
240
00:07:38,529 --> 00:07:40,096
[gasping]
241
00:07:40,097 --> 00:07:42,966
[laughing] But now I have
my sights set even higher.
242
00:07:42,967 --> 00:07:44,467
The Eegan.
243
00:07:44,468 --> 00:07:47,304
Upon completion, it will be the
largest museum in the world.
244
00:07:47,305 --> 00:07:48,972
The only thing missing is...
245
00:07:48,973 --> 00:07:50,240
A Froyo machine.
246
00:07:50,241 --> 00:07:51,474
A collection.
247
00:07:51,475 --> 00:07:52,410
And that's where
all you come in.
248
00:07:52,411 --> 00:07:53,643
I'm holding a contest.
249
00:07:53,644 --> 00:07:56,279
Can anyone tell me what this is?
250
00:07:56,280 --> 00:08:00,150
Ha! Too easy. That's
Hammurabi's hat.
251
00:08:00,151 --> 00:08:01,384
Rip Digman.
252
00:08:01,385 --> 00:08:02,819
What a blast from the past.
253
00:08:02,820 --> 00:08:04,921
Oh, the pleasure
is mine. [gasps]
254
00:08:04,922 --> 00:08:07,524
Nothing personal. I swear.
This one is the real me.
255
00:08:07,525 --> 00:08:09,760
- [gunshot]
- [screaming]
256
00:08:10,962 --> 00:08:12,329
You won't be rid
of me that easily.
257
00:08:12,330 --> 00:08:14,030
- [crowd cheering]
- But you're right, Rip.
258
00:08:14,031 --> 00:08:15,899
4,000 years ago, Hammurabi
conquered Mesopotamia.
259
00:08:15,900 --> 00:08:18,368
All while wearing this hat.
260
00:08:18,369 --> 00:08:19,769
But it has never been found.
261
00:08:19,770 --> 00:08:22,205
And I want it as the
centerpiece for my new museum.
262
00:08:22,206 --> 00:08:24,674
Whoever brings it to me
will be named head arky.
263
00:08:24,675 --> 00:08:26,710
A position that comes
with a generous salary
264
00:08:26,711 --> 00:08:28,078
and hella bennies.
265
00:08:28,079 --> 00:08:30,280
Now, let the competition begin!
266
00:08:30,281 --> 00:08:31,581
And begin it shall.
267
00:08:31,582 --> 00:08:33,049
- Put 'er there. [yells]
- [thudding]
268
00:08:33,050 --> 00:08:34,651
Full disclosure:
I am in Iceland.
269
00:08:34,652 --> 00:08:36,086
DIRECTOR: And you're clear.
270
00:08:36,087 --> 00:08:38,021
Wow. They couldn't tell
you were a hologram?
271
00:08:38,022 --> 00:08:40,757
Yes, and neither could you.
272
00:08:40,758 --> 00:08:41,993
Well, time for bed.
273
00:08:44,989 --> 00:08:46,423
Move to your left, Shelly.
274
00:08:46,424 --> 00:08:48,526
- [alarm blaring]
- [screams]
275
00:08:49,794 --> 00:08:50,894
[jets whirring]
276
00:08:50,895 --> 00:08:54,765
Aah! My ears are bleeding!
277
00:08:54,766 --> 00:08:56,233
HOWARD TOE: Our
top story tonight:
278
00:08:56,234 --> 00:08:57,634
Arkies across the globe
279
00:08:57,635 --> 00:09:00,871
are competing to head up
Quail Eegan's new museum.
280
00:09:00,872 --> 00:09:02,939
Zane Troy is the odds-on
favorite to win the job,
281
00:09:02,940 --> 00:09:05,375
while Rip Digman is the
favorite to accidentally
282
00:09:05,376 --> 00:09:07,310
stumble off a cliff and
die a horrific death.
283
00:09:07,311 --> 00:09:09,513
Here's a sneak peek at
his "in memoriam" segment.
284
00:09:09,514 --> 00:09:11,749
[comical music playing]
285
00:09:14,052 --> 00:09:15,786
Ugh, what the hell
is that music?
286
00:09:15,787 --> 00:09:17,320
Don't let them play
that when I die.
287
00:09:17,321 --> 00:09:18,655
This is so exciting.
288
00:09:18,656 --> 00:09:20,323
I can't believe I'm
an assistant arky.
289
00:09:20,324 --> 00:09:22,793
Let's be clear. You're
my temporary assistant.
290
00:09:22,794 --> 00:09:24,261
If I get back in the
game, I'll have my pick
291
00:09:24,262 --> 00:09:25,462
of the top assistants
in the biz.
292
00:09:25,463 --> 00:09:27,230
[screams] What is that thing?
293
00:09:27,231 --> 00:09:29,633
Saltine, meet Fleety,
my fast loris.
294
00:09:29,634 --> 00:09:31,835
I've heard of a slow loris
but never a fast one.
295
00:09:31,836 --> 00:09:33,370
What's the difference?
296
00:09:33,371 --> 00:09:34,971
-A raging addiction to methamphetamines.
-[snarls]
297
00:09:34,972 --> 00:09:36,940
So, Saltine, you ever
heard of Wendell Banks?
298
00:09:36,941 --> 00:09:38,675
He's that arky who went
missing a couple years ago.
299
00:09:38,676 --> 00:09:41,778
Precisely. Wendell was one
of my many male mentors.
300
00:09:41,779 --> 00:09:44,514
And what nobody knows but yo soy
is that he actually went missing
301
00:09:44,515 --> 00:09:46,416
while hunting for
Hammurabi's hat.
302
00:09:46,417 --> 00:09:48,018
Wendell was a bit
of a warrior poet,
303
00:09:48,019 --> 00:09:50,620
always leaving cryptic hints
as to where he was going.
304
00:09:50,621 --> 00:09:52,889
In fact, this is the last
voice mail he left me.
305
00:09:52,890 --> 00:09:55,025
WENDALL: My dear Rip, I'm
off to find Hammurabi's ht
306
00:09:55,026 --> 00:09:56,393
in a land where the
sky is as blue as...
307
00:09:56,394 --> 00:09:57,694
[birds screeching]
308
00:09:57,695 --> 00:09:59,362
I can't make out
what he was saying.
309
00:09:59,363 --> 00:10:01,398
His hint was covered by
the incessant squawking
310
00:10:01,399 --> 00:10:02,899
- of a meridian warbler.
- You're right, Rip.
311
00:10:02,900 --> 00:10:04,534
That squawking was
a meridian warbler.
312
00:10:04,535 --> 00:10:06,570
But the balking was an
Ecuadorian sea hawk.
313
00:10:06,571 --> 00:10:08,138
My God. You're also right.
314
00:10:08,139 --> 00:10:10,340
The other bird call was
fucking tucked under there.
315
00:10:10,341 --> 00:10:11,708
And there's only one
place in the world
316
00:10:11,709 --> 00:10:13,477
where their migratory
patterns overlap.
317
00:10:13,478 --> 00:10:16,680
Looks like we're
headed... to Indonesia.
318
00:10:16,681 --> 00:10:18,081
♪ ♪
319
00:10:18,082 --> 00:10:19,850
Yeah, he was here, but
he didn't find any hat.
320
00:10:19,851 --> 00:10:21,818
He did steal some
ornamental robes, though.
321
00:10:21,819 --> 00:10:23,286
[chuckles] Classic arky move.
322
00:10:23,287 --> 00:10:24,688
Never leave a
place empty-handed.
323
00:10:24,689 --> 00:10:26,356
Did he say where he was going?
324
00:10:26,357 --> 00:10:28,658
Yeah, a place where
"water falls from on high,
325
00:10:28,659 --> 00:10:30,627
like tears from the
angel of sadness."
326
00:10:30,628 --> 00:10:33,130
Looks like we're
heading... to Venezuela.
327
00:10:33,131 --> 00:10:34,331
♪ ♪
328
00:10:34,332 --> 00:10:35,866
He was here, but he
didn't find a hat.
329
00:10:35,867 --> 00:10:38,068
Stole a bunch of secret
ceramics, though.
330
00:10:38,069 --> 00:10:39,736
That's Wendell for you. So cool.
331
00:10:39,737 --> 00:10:41,371
Did he say where he was going?
332
00:10:41,372 --> 00:10:43,173
Something about "where
haggling means hello
333
00:10:43,174 --> 00:10:45,375
and Mehmet's merchants mingle"?
334
00:10:45,376 --> 00:10:48,011
Looks like we're
heading... to Istanbul.
335
00:10:48,012 --> 00:10:49,012
♪ ♪
336
00:10:49,013 --> 00:10:50,313
Yep, he was here
337
00:10:50,314 --> 00:10:51,982
and swiped our
Byzantine sarcophagus.
338
00:10:51,983 --> 00:10:53,116
Ha! I love that.
339
00:10:53,117 --> 00:10:54,417
Rip, that's not good behavior.
340
00:10:54,418 --> 00:10:55,785
He said he was hungry,
341
00:10:55,786 --> 00:10:57,687
and I told him there's
a Hardee's nearby.
342
00:10:57,688 --> 00:11:00,257
Looks like we're
heading... to Hardee's.
343
00:11:00,258 --> 00:11:01,658
- ♪ ♪
- Yeah, he was here.
344
00:11:01,659 --> 00:11:03,393
Asked for a water cup,
then filled it with soda.
345
00:11:03,394 --> 00:11:04,461
Did he say where he was going?
346
00:11:04,462 --> 00:11:05,729
No, he didn't say the name.
347
00:11:05,730 --> 00:11:07,631
Damn. After all
that, a dead end.
348
00:11:07,632 --> 00:11:09,699
But he did say the
latitude was 22 degrees,
349
00:11:09,700 --> 00:11:11,168
46 minutes, 54.8 seconds south.
350
00:11:11,169 --> 00:11:13,236
And the longitude was
81 degrees, 45 minutes,
351
00:11:13,237 --> 00:11:14,604
43.2 seconds east.
Does that help?
352
00:11:14,605 --> 00:11:16,406
No, that doesn't. Oh,
no, wait, it does!
353
00:11:16,407 --> 00:11:18,475
♪ ♪
354
00:11:18,476 --> 00:11:19,709
Rip, I'd like to show you
355
00:11:19,710 --> 00:11:21,378
the first of what I like to call
356
00:11:21,379 --> 00:11:23,313
Saltine's Cool Inventions.
357
00:11:23,314 --> 00:11:25,081
Wow. Great name.
358
00:11:25,082 --> 00:11:28,151
Voilà. It's a mirror that,
when a cat looks into it,
359
00:11:28,152 --> 00:11:29,719
it reflects the image of a lion.
360
00:11:29,720 --> 00:11:31,521
I based it on a poster I
had in my bedroom growing up
361
00:11:31,522 --> 00:11:32,822
that had the caption,
362
00:11:32,823 --> 00:11:34,524
"What matters most is
how you see yourself."
363
00:11:34,525 --> 00:11:35,992
So it reads your brainwaves
364
00:11:35,993 --> 00:11:37,761
and shows you a reflection
of your inner self?
365
00:11:37,762 --> 00:11:39,563
Not at all. It can
just tell when a cat
366
00:11:39,564 --> 00:11:41,965
is looking at it and then it
reflects the image of a lion.
367
00:11:41,966 --> 00:11:44,000
Good night, Saltine.
368
00:11:44,001 --> 00:11:45,368
Ah! No!
369
00:11:45,369 --> 00:11:47,904
♪ ♪
370
00:11:47,905 --> 00:11:50,540
Have fun. I'll be
here with the plane.
371
00:11:50,541 --> 00:11:53,476
These mountain walls must
block all radio waves
372
00:11:53,477 --> 00:11:55,745
and satellite signals.
We're in a true dead zone.
373
00:11:55,746 --> 00:11:57,881
So they've never heard Stern?
374
00:11:57,882 --> 00:11:59,282
[both gasp]
375
00:11:59,283 --> 00:12:02,152
And now we see how Wendell
Banks met his fate.
376
00:12:02,153 --> 00:12:03,320
Looks like a tiger got him.
377
00:12:03,321 --> 00:12:04,754
He must have been cornered.
378
00:12:04,755 --> 00:12:06,256
There's no way out of
here. It's a dead end.
379
00:12:06,257 --> 00:12:07,557
There's always a way,
380
00:12:07,558 --> 00:12:09,726
even if you have to
make it yourself.
381
00:12:09,727 --> 00:12:11,595
- And here it is.
- [gasps] Oh, God.
382
00:12:11,596 --> 00:12:12,696
It's filled with snakes.
383
00:12:12,697 --> 00:12:14,297
Let me guess. You hate snakes?
384
00:12:14,298 --> 00:12:15,899
- Nope, I love them.
- Oh.
385
00:12:15,900 --> 00:12:17,834
Yep, I love them,
and I always have,
386
00:12:17,835 --> 00:12:19,669
because I'm my own
unique character.
387
00:12:19,670 --> 00:12:21,605
- Okay.
- I'm not based on anyone else.
388
00:12:21,606 --> 00:12:23,506
- Didn't think you were.
- And since I am legally
389
00:12:23,507 --> 00:12:25,075
my own person who is
not afraid of snakes,
390
00:12:25,076 --> 00:12:29,045
I'll just reach into this alcove
and move some of them aside.
391
00:12:29,046 --> 00:12:31,481
Yep. Pardon me, nice
snakes. Hi there. [chuckles]
392
00:12:31,482 --> 00:12:33,284
And pull the lever.
393
00:12:34,785 --> 00:12:36,553
Now you're on the trolley.
394
00:12:36,554 --> 00:12:39,055
[wildlife chirping]
395
00:12:39,056 --> 00:12:41,891
[drumming]
396
00:12:41,892 --> 00:12:43,693
My God.
397
00:12:43,694 --> 00:12:45,795
An untouched civilization.
398
00:12:45,796 --> 00:12:47,230
These Neanderthals could be
399
00:12:47,231 --> 00:12:48,865
a whole tribe of missing links.
400
00:12:48,866 --> 00:12:49,866
And look.
401
00:12:49,867 --> 00:12:51,735
I spy with my little arky eye
402
00:12:51,736 --> 00:12:53,703
- Hammurabi's hat.
- SALTINE: That's it.
403
00:12:53,704 --> 00:12:55,171
Let's wait for them
to fall asleep,
404
00:12:55,172 --> 00:12:56,206
then we can sneak in...
405
00:12:56,207 --> 00:12:58,108
And there he goes.
406
00:12:58,109 --> 00:13:00,744
[drumming]
407
00:13:00,745 --> 00:13:01,745
[screams]
408
00:13:01,746 --> 00:13:03,046
They somehow noticed me. Run!
409
00:13:03,047 --> 00:13:04,047
[growling]
410
00:13:04,048 --> 00:13:05,649
Well, we're fucking dead.
411
00:13:05,650 --> 00:13:08,218
Rip, look. They're all
staring at the hat.
412
00:13:08,219 --> 00:13:09,586
- Oh.
- Put it on.
413
00:13:09,587 --> 00:13:11,655
That's interesting.
414
00:13:11,656 --> 00:13:14,057
Huh? Huh.
415
00:13:14,058 --> 00:13:15,558
[grunting]
416
00:13:15,559 --> 00:13:17,193
It almost seems like
they won't attack
417
00:13:17,194 --> 00:13:18,828
when I'm wearing the hat.
418
00:13:18,829 --> 00:13:20,463
Yeah, when you're wearing
it, they clearly worship you.
419
00:13:20,464 --> 00:13:22,465
- Now let's get out of here.
- Whoa, whoa, wait a minute.
420
00:13:22,466 --> 00:13:24,634
They worship me?
421
00:13:24,635 --> 00:13:25,935
Yes. Now let's go.
422
00:13:25,936 --> 00:13:28,872
Actually, I want to
hang here a while
423
00:13:28,873 --> 00:13:31,074
- and-and see how this plays out.
- What?
424
00:13:31,075 --> 00:13:32,409
Rise, my people,
425
00:13:32,410 --> 00:13:35,178
and gaze upon your
glorious leader.
426
00:13:35,179 --> 00:13:36,613
[cheering]
427
00:13:36,614 --> 00:13:37,848
Oh, shit, man.
428
00:13:41,594 --> 00:13:44,163
Saltine, check it.
This cat knows English.
429
00:13:44,164 --> 00:13:45,464
- Sup?
- His name is Kurt.
430
00:13:45,465 --> 00:13:46,799
Rip, this is crazy.
431
00:13:46,800 --> 00:13:48,267
Let's just take the
hat back to Eegan.
432
00:13:48,268 --> 00:13:50,135
Wh-What's your hurry?
We've got it made here.
433
00:13:50,136 --> 00:13:53,072
Around-the-clock adulation,
free refills on coconut water.
434
00:13:53,073 --> 00:13:55,240
Plus, they're grinding up
this emerald forest shit,
435
00:13:55,241 --> 00:13:57,476
and it packs quite a wallop.
436
00:13:57,477 --> 00:13:59,011
[snorts] Wa-ha!
437
00:13:59,012 --> 00:14:00,746
Okay, I get it.
You're feeling good.
438
00:14:00,747 --> 00:14:02,081
But we'll leave soon, right?
439
00:14:02,082 --> 00:14:04,416
Sure. Or, hear me
out, we never leave.
440
00:14:04,417 --> 00:14:06,752
Hear me out. We live here
for the rest of our lives.
441
00:14:06,753 --> 00:14:08,620
Hear me out. We get more
of this green stuff.
442
00:14:08,621 --> 00:14:10,255
Hear me out. We snort it all.
443
00:14:10,256 --> 00:14:12,491
Hear me out. And then we die!
444
00:14:12,492 --> 00:14:14,126
Goodbye, Rip.
445
00:14:14,127 --> 00:14:16,829
Okay, but you're gonna miss
my new leader ceremony.
446
00:14:16,830 --> 00:14:20,366
Kurt says it'll be the
biggest party in many moons.
447
00:14:22,769 --> 00:14:26,371
Hey, Saltine, where's Rip?
448
00:14:26,372 --> 00:14:28,173
- Oh, my God! He's dead?!
- What?
449
00:14:28,174 --> 00:14:29,508
No, he's just not coming.
450
00:14:29,509 --> 00:14:30,709
I'm sorry. That was confusing.
451
00:14:30,710 --> 00:14:33,679
Oh, thank God. I
thought we'd lost him.
452
00:14:33,680 --> 00:14:35,781
You can't do stuff like that!
453
00:14:35,782 --> 00:14:37,616
KURT: So, this is
where we perform
454
00:14:37,617 --> 00:14:39,118
- the new leader ceremony.
- Great.
455
00:14:39,119 --> 00:14:40,486
And what are my duties?
456
00:14:40,487 --> 00:14:41,787
You have sex with
everyone in the village.
457
00:14:41,788 --> 00:14:43,455
[laughs] Say that again,
458
00:14:43,456 --> 00:14:44,890
Kurt the talking Neanderthal.
459
00:14:44,891 --> 00:14:46,425
Sorry, sometimes my
diction is a little off.
460
00:14:46,426 --> 00:14:49,495
I said, you have sex with
everyone in the village,
461
00:14:49,496 --> 00:14:51,630
- and if you don't, we kill you.
- Huh.
462
00:14:51,631 --> 00:14:53,332
Let me just take a look here.
463
00:14:53,333 --> 00:14:54,366
[gasps]
464
00:14:54,367 --> 00:14:55,968
Holy hell.
465
00:14:55,969 --> 00:14:58,370
Uh, not to give you the
wind, Kurt, old pal,
466
00:14:58,371 --> 00:15:00,739
but this is giving me a
real case of the zorros.
467
00:15:00,740 --> 00:15:02,241
I mean, not to sound
pigeon-livered,
468
00:15:02,242 --> 00:15:04,042
but the bank is closed,
if you take my meaning.
469
00:15:04,043 --> 00:15:05,043
[chuckles] Sorry.
470
00:15:05,044 --> 00:15:06,278
I turn into a real church bell
471
00:15:06,279 --> 00:15:07,546
when I've got the zorros.
472
00:15:07,547 --> 00:15:08,580
I'm sure you're
like, "Who is this
473
00:15:08,581 --> 00:15:09,615
canceled stamp?" Am I right?
474
00:15:09,616 --> 00:15:10,884
[nervous giggling]
475
00:15:11,718 --> 00:15:13,085
Okay, I think I know
476
00:15:13,086 --> 00:15:14,753
how to convince Rip
to come back with us.
477
00:15:14,754 --> 00:15:17,823
Saltine, stop. We
can't make him leave.
478
00:15:17,824 --> 00:15:19,591
But what about the
arky competition?
479
00:15:19,592 --> 00:15:22,261
The arky world treated
Rip like dog shit.
480
00:15:22,262 --> 00:15:23,529
They stomped on him,
481
00:15:23,530 --> 00:15:25,397
then they chewed him
up, and spit him out.
482
00:15:25,398 --> 00:15:27,199
Just like you do with dog shit.
483
00:15:27,200 --> 00:15:29,201
So if he's found a place
where he feels happy
484
00:15:29,202 --> 00:15:32,070
and respected, who are we
to ask him to give that up?
485
00:15:32,071 --> 00:15:35,073
That's a good point. I just
hope he's, to quote Pharrell...
486
00:15:35,074 --> 00:15:36,810
- happy.
- [Fleety chitters]
487
00:15:37,544 --> 00:15:39,545
- Fleety? Where's Rip?
- [sad mumbling]
488
00:15:39,546 --> 00:15:41,814
- Oh, my God, he's dead?!
- [mumbling]
489
00:15:41,815 --> 00:15:42,981
Come on!
490
00:15:42,982 --> 00:15:44,917
You guys got to stop doing that!
491
00:15:44,918 --> 00:15:46,785
Rip, are you in here? Rip?
492
00:15:46,786 --> 00:15:49,621
RIP: Oh, yeah.
Fill me up, stud.
493
00:15:49,622 --> 00:15:51,056
Crush me out, stallion.
494
00:15:51,057 --> 00:15:52,057
Oh, my God.
495
00:15:52,058 --> 00:15:53,192
- Saltine!
- Aah!
496
00:15:53,193 --> 00:15:54,326
You got to get me
the fuck out of here.
497
00:15:54,327 --> 00:15:55,828
Rip? But I thought you were...
498
00:15:55,829 --> 00:15:57,229
Getting my backyard
churned into a DQ Blizzard?
499
00:15:57,230 --> 00:15:58,730
Luckily, they're so dumb,
I've been tricking them
500
00:15:58,731 --> 00:15:59,932
with a sex doll I
made out of straw.
501
00:15:59,933 --> 00:16:01,633
- [thumping]
- [rustling]
502
00:16:01,634 --> 00:16:03,402
So, uh, you're
rescuing me or what?
503
00:16:03,403 --> 00:16:07,239
Heck, yeah, I am. It's time
for Saltine's Cool Inventions.
504
00:16:07,240 --> 00:16:08,740
Oh, damn it. Not the cat mirror.
505
00:16:08,741 --> 00:16:10,075
I made a few modifications.
506
00:16:10,076 --> 00:16:12,177
Now, it doesn't just
reflect, it also
507
00:16:12,178 --> 00:16:13,645
projects holograms.
508
00:16:13,646 --> 00:16:14,947
Check it.
509
00:16:14,948 --> 00:16:16,381
- [meows]
- [confused grunt]
510
00:16:16,382 --> 00:16:18,450
- [screams]
- [grunts]
511
00:16:18,451 --> 00:16:20,452
- [meows]
- [screams]
512
00:16:20,453 --> 00:16:22,054
- It's working.
- I know.
513
00:16:22,055 --> 00:16:24,123
RIP [over recording]: Ooh,
that hit the back wall.
514
00:16:24,924 --> 00:16:28,060
- [roaring]
- [screaming]
515
00:16:28,061 --> 00:16:29,194
[meowing]
516
00:16:29,195 --> 00:16:31,296
Roar! Roar!
517
00:16:31,297 --> 00:16:32,464
[chuckles] This way!
518
00:16:32,465 --> 00:16:34,299
It works. Okay, I got to ask.
519
00:16:34,300 --> 00:16:36,936
Where did Fleety find a kitten
in the middle of the jungle?
520
00:16:37,737 --> 00:16:39,171
- [roaring]
- Oh, I see. It's a tiger cub.
521
00:16:39,172 --> 00:16:41,875
And now its mama's
pissed. Fleety, you suck.
522
00:16:42,876 --> 00:16:44,176
Uh, that's not good.
523
00:16:44,177 --> 00:16:45,310
[Fleety grunts]
524
00:16:45,311 --> 00:16:47,145
Uh... Okay.
525
00:16:47,146 --> 00:16:48,580
That's normal.
526
00:16:48,581 --> 00:16:50,349
[scoffs] Said no one ever.
527
00:16:50,350 --> 00:16:51,483
- [laughs]
- [growling]
528
00:16:51,484 --> 00:16:53,186
Let's move!
529
00:16:59,559 --> 00:17:00,726
[roaring]
530
00:17:00,727 --> 00:17:02,027
Keep running!
531
00:17:02,028 --> 00:17:03,228
[roars]
532
00:17:03,229 --> 00:17:04,297
Ah!
533
00:17:07,634 --> 00:17:09,434
[confused snarl]
534
00:17:09,435 --> 00:17:11,204
[sympathetic growl]
535
00:17:12,338 --> 00:17:14,473
Huh.
536
00:17:14,474 --> 00:17:16,074
Well, that's odd.
537
00:17:16,075 --> 00:17:17,209
Yeah...
538
00:17:17,210 --> 00:17:19,111
Got to say, though...
539
00:17:19,112 --> 00:17:20,379
I don't hate it.
540
00:17:20,380 --> 00:17:22,147
Swooper! Fire up the plane!
541
00:17:22,148 --> 00:17:25,018
Sorry, boss, I
couldn't stop him.
542
00:17:25,818 --> 00:17:27,819
I'll be taking that hat, Rip.
543
00:17:27,820 --> 00:17:30,389
You'll have to
suck my dick first.
544
00:17:30,390 --> 00:17:32,591
- No, I think I'll just take it.
- Right, well,
545
00:17:32,592 --> 00:17:33,959
I guess I can see
your point also.
546
00:17:33,960 --> 00:17:36,062
Got to hand it to
him, he's good.
547
00:17:38,773 --> 00:17:40,340
- How did you even find us, Zane?
- The business card I gave you.
548
00:17:40,341 --> 00:17:42,176
The one that said "fuck you"
on it and you kept it anyway
549
00:17:42,177 --> 00:17:44,344
because you're a hoarder,
it was a homing device.
550
00:17:44,345 --> 00:17:45,813
Oh, the fucking card?
551
00:17:45,814 --> 00:17:47,181
Unbelievable, man.
552
00:17:47,182 --> 00:17:48,816
I'll just put it in
this pocket, though.
553
00:17:48,817 --> 00:17:50,384
Oh, I knew Wendell
Banks disappeared
554
00:17:50,385 --> 00:17:52,119
searching for that hat, so
I figured I'd be like you
555
00:17:52,120 --> 00:17:54,154
and follow the trail
of my male mentor.
556
00:17:54,155 --> 00:17:57,024
Wow, Zane, you are a
world-class bum nickel.
557
00:17:57,025 --> 00:17:58,625
Rippy, that really
hurt my feelings.
558
00:17:58,626 --> 00:17:59,660
- It did?
- No!
559
00:17:59,661 --> 00:18:01,161
I was being sarcastic.
560
00:18:01,162 --> 00:18:03,530
Your dry British wit makes
it impossible to tell.
561
00:18:03,531 --> 00:18:04,565
Now, the hat.
562
00:18:04,566 --> 00:18:06,233
Okay, fine. You win, Zane.
563
00:18:06,234 --> 00:18:09,303
No. Zane Troy, if you want
to take that hat from Rip,
564
00:18:09,304 --> 00:18:10,971
you're going to
have to go through
565
00:18:10,972 --> 00:18:13,106
his temporary
assist... [grunts]
566
00:18:13,107 --> 00:18:14,474
Saltine!
567
00:18:14,475 --> 00:18:16,076
Corpus floraria.
Ring a bell, Rip?
568
00:18:16,077 --> 00:18:18,979
Anyhoo, antidote's on the
beach two klicks thataway.
569
00:18:18,980 --> 00:18:22,549
I'm headed thisaway.
You get it. Ta-ta.
570
00:18:22,550 --> 00:18:23,884
Don't worry about me, Rip.
571
00:18:23,885 --> 00:18:25,619
- Get the hat back.
- No, boss!
572
00:18:25,620 --> 00:18:26,854
We got to get her
to the hospital.
573
00:18:26,855 --> 00:18:28,255
SALTINE: The dart is my fault.
574
00:18:28,256 --> 00:18:29,523
Should've seen it coming.
575
00:18:29,524 --> 00:18:30,824
- Saltine, no, hang on.
- [coughs]
576
00:18:30,825 --> 00:18:32,159
Oh, God. It's happening again.
577
00:18:32,160 --> 00:18:33,994
Would going after
the hat be repeating
578
00:18:33,995 --> 00:18:35,929
the mistakes of my past? Am
I being given an opportunity
579
00:18:35,930 --> 00:18:37,998
to make a better choice?
Or to make the same choice
580
00:18:37,999 --> 00:18:39,867
as before but in hopes
of a better outcome?
581
00:18:39,868 --> 00:18:41,535
Either way, will I live
to regret my decision,
582
00:18:41,536 --> 00:18:44,104
or will I revel in the
glory of a choice well made?
583
00:18:44,105 --> 00:18:45,672
And is this an act of free will,
584
00:18:45,673 --> 00:18:47,307
or am I fate's unwitting pawn?
585
00:18:47,308 --> 00:18:49,209
If I seize the hat and
return to glory at the cost
586
00:18:49,210 --> 00:18:51,745
of Saltine's young life, will
I be able to live with myself,
587
00:18:51,746 --> 00:18:54,081
or if I save her life
but return to obscurity,
588
00:18:54,082 --> 00:18:55,949
will I forever be
filled with resentment?
589
00:18:55,950 --> 00:18:58,151
I don't know what
to fucking do, God.
590
00:18:58,152 --> 00:19:01,588
This! Is! Hard!
591
00:19:01,589 --> 00:19:03,056
[thunder crashes]
592
00:19:03,057 --> 00:19:06,760
And so I'd like to
introduce my new head arky,
593
00:19:06,761 --> 00:19:10,330
the man who brought
me Hammurabi's hat...
594
00:19:10,331 --> 00:19:11,365
Zane Troy.
595
00:19:11,366 --> 00:19:12,766
[cheering and applause]
596
00:19:12,767 --> 00:19:14,635
Thank you. I just want
to say I would never
597
00:19:14,636 --> 00:19:17,137
have found the hat without
my old friend Rip Digman.
598
00:19:17,138 --> 00:19:18,705
Well, that sucks.
599
00:19:18,706 --> 00:19:19,840
Thanks for saving my life, Rip.
600
00:19:19,841 --> 00:19:21,541
Of course, Saltine.
601
00:19:21,542 --> 00:19:24,278
-There was never a question of what I would do.
-What?
602
00:19:24,279 --> 00:19:25,479
I want to say I'm sorry.
603
00:19:25,480 --> 00:19:26,580
I dragged you into all of this,
604
00:19:26,581 --> 00:19:28,048
and it amounted to nothing.
605
00:19:28,049 --> 00:19:29,583
I hope your next assistant
will make you proud.
606
00:19:29,584 --> 00:19:31,451
She already has.
607
00:19:31,452 --> 00:19:34,187
Surprise! I'm hiring you
as my permanent assistant.
608
00:19:34,188 --> 00:19:36,723
Seriously? But we lost
the hat because of me.
609
00:19:36,724 --> 00:19:38,458
We lost the hat because of Zane.
610
00:19:38,459 --> 00:19:41,995
But you, you helped me get back
on the proverbial arky horse.
611
00:19:41,996 --> 00:19:43,397
I know your family
doesn't approve
612
00:19:43,398 --> 00:19:44,731
of your lifestyle, Saltine,
613
00:19:44,732 --> 00:19:45,999
but they can go to hell
614
00:19:46,000 --> 00:19:48,468
and burn there for
a thousand years
615
00:19:48,469 --> 00:19:52,439
as we laugh at them and spray
our hot, frothy oat piss
616
00:19:52,440 --> 00:19:54,107
all over their charred corpses
617
00:19:54,108 --> 00:19:57,911
with the force of a thousand
beer-bloated stallions.
618
00:19:57,912 --> 00:20:01,114
That was a really nice speech.
619
00:20:01,115 --> 00:20:03,150
Thanks. I wrote it on
this piece of toilet paper
620
00:20:03,151 --> 00:20:04,484
while you were unconscious.
621
00:20:04,485 --> 00:20:06,486
Swooper even took
an uncredited pass.
622
00:20:06,487 --> 00:20:07,922
Happy to help.
623
00:20:09,023 --> 00:20:11,325
So, what's next for us, boss?
624
00:20:11,326 --> 00:20:12,927
I'll be in touch.
625
00:20:14,862 --> 00:20:18,199
♪ ♪
626
00:20:23,004 --> 00:20:25,773
I trust this will
be to your liking.
627
00:20:27,775 --> 00:20:29,843
Rip, I'm so glad you're back.
628
00:20:29,844 --> 00:20:31,478
The phone's been
ringing off the hook.
629
00:20:31,479 --> 00:20:32,679
With job offers?
630
00:20:32,680 --> 00:20:34,181
No, there's a problem
with the phone.
631
00:20:34,182 --> 00:20:35,682
It keeps ringing off the hook.
632
00:20:35,683 --> 00:20:36,817
I called the phone company
633
00:20:36,818 --> 00:20:38,218
and they're gonna
fix it tomorrow.
634
00:20:38,219 --> 00:20:39,219
[ringing]
635
00:20:39,220 --> 00:20:40,253
- See?
- Oh, yeah, look at that.
636
00:20:40,254 --> 00:20:41,688
- That's freaky.
- Also...
637
00:20:41,689 --> 00:20:43,790
you're getting a bunch of
emails with job offers.
638
00:20:43,791 --> 00:20:44,825
Really?
639
00:20:44,826 --> 00:20:46,493
I guess some smaller museums
640
00:20:46,494 --> 00:20:49,262
saw Zane say nice things about
you in his press conference.
641
00:20:49,263 --> 00:20:51,565
Because his dry British wit
makes it impossible to tell
642
00:20:51,566 --> 00:20:53,033
when he's being sarcastic.
643
00:20:53,034 --> 00:20:54,668
Good God, Agatha. Do you
know what this means?
644
00:20:54,669 --> 00:20:57,105
[snorts] Rip Digman is back!
645
00:20:59,574 --> 00:21:02,275
Hey, Swooper. I'm heading
into my secret chamber.
646
00:21:02,276 --> 00:21:03,478
Have a nice shit.
647
00:21:05,546 --> 00:21:07,348
- [clicking]
- [rumbling]
648
00:21:15,323 --> 00:21:16,391
Hey, babe.
649
00:21:17,759 --> 00:21:19,326
Things are finally looking up.
650
00:21:19,327 --> 00:21:22,396
Soon I'm going to find the
Grail and bring you back.
651
00:21:22,397 --> 00:21:23,563
But in the meantime,
652
00:21:23,564 --> 00:21:25,332
don't you worry about
me being faithful.
653
00:21:25,333 --> 00:21:27,768
Because the only dating
I'm interested in...
654
00:21:27,769 --> 00:21:29,037
is carbon dating.
655
00:21:51,810 --> 00:21:53,045
Chirp.
44790
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