Original subtitles

[soft music]

[machine whirring]

Triple shot, extra hot, non-fat latte.

Almond, rice or soy?

Uh, no, just milk. You know, from a cow.

[upbeat music]

[narrator] Some people recycle.

We're Plant-arium. We don't serve that here.

You're a coffee place, and you don't serve regular milk-milk?

Some people carry their own bags to the grocery store.

I assume that you can read,

because your nose has been buried in your two phones

since you walked in here.

Some people occasionally hug trees.

Some people cry at the sight of a lumberyard for no apparent reason.

So why don't you use your eyeballs and read the sign, okay?

-That's a joke, right? -Uh, a joke? [scoffs]

She's not really having a good day.

Some people swore off parmesan on pasta even though they love it...

...because it's a milk product.

'Cause people like you, lining up to kick the planet in the teeth,

demanding cow's milk...

Some people live in a solar-powered home

and live on battery power at night.

...which is just pure straight-up cruelty to animals.

Dairy farmers artificially inseminate cows

so that they stay in a perpetual pregnant state of milk production.

And then when their babies are born,

they are torn away from them and sold for veal.

Some people collect their own rainwater

and take showers heated by the sun, or cold baths.

And then they are milked and milked and milked

until their bones are so brittle that they can't even stand.

-Did you know that? -Wow.

And some people want to make a difference,

even if they are often certifiable.

Don't even get me started on the feed and the grain that they consume!

-Okay, when the oceans are filling with acid... -Holy shit.

...and there's an asshole ripped in the ozone layer all because

-arrogant, head-in-the-sand pricks like you... -Wow.

...want a little cow's milk in your coffee,

don't come crying to me!

'Cause I'm too busy in here trying to save the planet

for you and your kids!

I don't have kids.

[upbeat music]

Get out!

-Hey. -Go to Buckstars.

-Hey. -My coffee is too good for you.

I, I just wanted a coffee!

Hey, Jo, do you think I can get an advance on my paycheck?

Is this a fucking charity?

Meet Jo Hanson.

Fuck!

That will be a no then.

This is her single source,

organic, plant-based, straw-less,

100% compostable, lactose-free coffee shop.

And this is the planet Earth. So very warm.

This is a cheeseburger. So very juicy.

Some people believe global warming is a hoax.

And some people could care less if we burn down the Amazon

as long as they get more big, juicy cheeseburgers.

[crash]

Okay, so the planet is getting warmer,

the ice is melting, people love cheeseburgers.

I'm not Morgan Freeman,

but heroes come in all shapes and sizes.

This one is from a small farm on the outskirts of London,

where our story of true valor begins.

Her name is Josephine.

She prefers Jo.

It's wrong.

Pulling and pushing at you like you're a piece of meat.

The way they yank and twist your privates.

You feel violated?

You don't need to say anything, Daisy.

I want you to know, from this moment on,

I will never drink so much as a thimbleful of the milk

they extract from you.

I appreciate these one-on-ones. Fist bump?

[Raymond] It's not Daisy anymore.

That's a nice bit of T-bone, that. Quality stuff.

I will never eat it.

Never is such an awfully long time.

Is that the way you think she should be remembered?

As not good enough to eat?

The trauma of that had a lasting impression on her.

[upbeat music]

She grew up,

traded the Stingray with the banana seat

for an electric scooter.

Her motto: zero, neutral,

non-GMO, locally sourced, fair trade, pesticide free,

happy planet, happy cow, anti-plastic,

with shoes hand-stitched by free-range workers

making a living wage under the eco-friendly glow

of LED, energy-efficient light bulbs.

Cappuccino with rice milk.

-Thank you. -Enjoy.

♪ Have you heard about a scene ♪

♪ All lining up for that liquid dream ♪

Why does she always do that?

[Maja] That's Angelo Moriondo,

the inventor of, like, the espresso machine.

Jo believes he's, like, the patron saint of coffee or something.

But I don't know.

-[Jo] Is that a penis? -[Roopa] No.

It's a, it's a tree stump with two rocks on either side of it

and a cascade of wispy flowers flowing from the split at the top.

Professional competitive baristas make patterns in the milk,

and generally not pornographic ones.

So perhaps this one is a tree stump with wispy white flowers

flowing from the split in the top and not a ding-dong.

Roopa, maybe we should stick to hearts and ferns,

-rosettas, you know, in the milk. -Fine.

[sighs]

[man on TV] World Barista Championship.

50,000 cash prize. Enter today.

World Barista Championship.

[sighs] Could pay off that loan.

-[cow mowing] -[phone buzzing]

Hi, Mom. I was just about to call you.

She was just gonna ring us

-when we called. -And pigs fly south for the winter.

Jo's mother and father are simple dairy farmers,

yet they share the same passion for quality coffee with patterns in the milk.

Is everything all right, petal?

It's just a little bit tough at the moment, but--

Oh, no, what's the matter?

-It's money, Joan. She needs money. -Shut up, Raymond.

-What did he say? -Oh, he's just grinding his beans.

You know how much he loves his coffee.

Double tamp and twist.

Well, maybe it's time you went back to college

and finished that accounting degree.

And then you can come and take over the dairy.

And you can always make your coffee here.

-Your dad does. -Bye, Mom.

Tell Dad not to burn his beans,

-yeah? -Bye, love.

[Raymond] She makes a good coffee,

but without milk. Bloody hopeless.

Do you want one? It's a swan.

[knock on door]

Boss wants you to sign for the beans.

And if you don't pay for this one,

I'm not allowed to deliver to you next week.

-I don't make the rules. -Well, that's fair enough, Ray.

Talking about the details and minutiae

of caffeinated beans really turns her on.

Well, I mean, you might be able to

slide one, maybe two weeks.

Don't suppose you wanna tell me anything about these sexy coffee beans?

No.

Well, maybe a couple of odd tidbits.

I've discovered a correlation between the flavor profiles

of beans picked at different altitudes

and the taste preferences of the people

consuming the coffee made by those beans.

People who live at sea level prefer bolder,

more dominant flavors.

Whereas those living at high altitudes,

they like their coffee softer...

...gentler, more, um, sensuous.

[Jo chuckles] More coffee talk, please.

[Ray] Let's start with Arabica beans.

Oh, God.

[knocks] Hi, Stoney.

I'm very busy. Can't see you right now.

More like... [gurgles]

Oh, just stop it. Sit down. I never used a bong.

My name is Katina McQueen.

Stoney is pregnant. One night in high school,

while completely wasted on the ganja, Jo kissed her.

Stoney has been in love with Jo ever since.

I haven't been Stoney McQueen for a very long time.

-Since school! -[Jo] Sorry.

Oh, wow, look at this. "Assistant manager."

Yes, I am. Look, I can't keep doing you favors.

I mean, what is next, you know?

Manager of this magnificent establishment?

I'm not fucking around. You have to make a payment now or you're done!

I've got 100 quid, all right? So we're square?

No, not even close.

Maybe I will let it slide for a couple of weeks until my boss gets back.

He's at a conference in Ibiza.

They got one of those dance floors that fills up with foam.

-I love foam. -What, up to your neck?

It's fucking scary. You could drown.

They wouldn't find you for weeks. They party 24/7.

And when the boss gets back?

Well, then you're entirely fucked.

Look, why don't you compete again?

[male announcer] Jo Hanson, Plant-arium Roasters.

Worked for Rudy down at Avante Garden.

Um, Rudy got lucky, okay?

-He entered in a weak year. -Oh, what, twice?

[dramatic music]

-Hello, Josephine. -Oh.

Come to see how the professionals do it?

It's Jo. And I just wanna make sure

you're not fucking things up around here.

Right, right. I'm fucking things up.

That's why the line runs all the way out the door

and round the block at five o'clock in the afternoon.

-What, you got some kind of coupon voucher giveaway going? -No.

I know last time was a complete and utter disaster,

but if you can hold it together this time...

Well, you know, if you ever wanna sell that La Marzocco,

I could use a second machine, especially in the late afternoons.

Piccolo, doppio Ethiopian with almond milk.

-Wow, good memory. -Well, I am a professional.

And two-time United Kingdom barista champion, so...

England is hardly the United Kingdom.

-And you lost at World's. -Well, there's always this year.

Rudy's very talented. He could teach you a thing or two.

Excuse me. Not about coffee!

Maybe about posing with that stupid barbershop quartet beard

and matching nose ring.

I'll make you one. On the house.

♪ It ain't my fault that I'm out here getting loose Gotta blame it on my juice ♪

-♪ Ain't worth the squeeze if the juice don't look like this ♪ -♪ That's how you know ♪

♪ I heard you say I'm not the baddest bitch, you lie ♪

♪ Ya-ya-ee, ya-ya-ee, ya-ya-ee, ya-ya-ee ♪

♪ Blame it on my juice, blame it, blame it on my juice ♪

♪ Ya-ya-ee, ya-ya-ee, ya-ya-ee, ya-ya-ee ♪

Concentric circles are askew. You're slipping.

Let's hope the taste is satisfactory.

[suspenseful music]

Yeah, well, uh...

...the taste is acceptable.

Bye, Josephine.

Or Jo.

Good luck with that vegan thing.

[Stoney] Have you got anyone that you can go to for a loan?

'Cause otherwise the dream is beep, beep, beeeeeeeeep.

Okay, let's rewind the story here.

Oh, hello, Jo.

In addition to despising Rudy

because he is so utterly obnoxious,

a few months ago when she was even more destitute

than she currently is now,

rather than go crawling to her parents,

she went to the one person she knew who had money,

Rudy Wintergreen, and took out a cash loan

against her beloved espresso machine.

It was a moronic move.

You know that machine is worth twice that.

You know that I know that you know

that I know that you know that I know that,

but no one else really knows that.

Wow. You guys got a tip.

No, I put that in there. You know, prime the pump.

-Okay. Where's Mike? -He died.

Oh. Yeah, you guys are crushing it.

It's only a matter of time.

So, so, so sorry I'm late.

My girlfriend's got me babysitting a family of Welsh polecats.

-And don't touch them. -Mm-hm.

It's like a ferret with a white, scruffy snout.

-Really? -I was chilling like Bob Dylan until two of them got out.

Oh. Hey, where you going?

So that's not a shaving cut then?

-You think I'd lie about something like this, Jo? -All right, what did you do?

-I tackled one of them by the bootstraps. -I got you.

Full-on Welsh international rugby fashion.

But then the other one attacked me.

[Andy groans]

Rabid crazy son of a bitch.

It's hiding underneath the four-poster now.

[indistinct] Come here!

-[screams, grunts] -[meows]

So that's why I'm late. -Wait, is it, it's still there?

Uh-huh. I put out a plate of warm brie.

Well, my girlfriend's brie.

Carefully infused it with crushed up sleeping pills.

Oh. Actually, maybe I should have told her.

She's on a low-fat, low-carb diet, and it's not really working out.

-Brie! -What if it attacks her?

Nah, she's pretty scary.

Worst thing that happens,

she eats the snacks and passes out, right?

[snoring]

[squeaks]

[screaming]

Probably should have told her,

-shouldn't I? -Yeah, probably.

One triple shot, activated almond with the caramel drizzle.

Enjoy off the planet, right?

Oh, uh, hang on a sec there, girlfriend.

I'll make you another.

These circles are slightly abstract.

-And, not to be picky, but the milk down the side... -I got bumped.

[Jo] Even if it tastes unbelievable, which I'm sure it does,

but we have to be absolutely perfect.

One triple shot almond, caramel. Enjoy.

[man] Cheers.

You know, sometimes it takes years to find your coffee doojee.

When will I know that I've found it?

Doojees, like mojos, are elusive.

You'll know when you've found yours. You, you just feel it.

Where will I feel it?

Well, here, here, and here.

Jo, my mother wants me to, like, focus on my schoolwork.

Her study on Neolithic Britain and the architectural significance

of, like, Stonehenge is ending.

She wants me to go to college in the US.

I don't know what she's freaking out about.

I already crushed the SAT with double 800s.

So she wants me to go to Harvard and not end up

at some other trashy shitbox college.

I don't know how much longer I can, like, work for you.

UH, That's, like, cool, Maja.

-Can I ask you a favor? -Sure.

-Can I ask you a favor? -Sure.

Do you think you could spare, like, 100 advance off my next paycheck?

Could you spare 100 quid against my paycheck?

-You have to make a payment now. -It's for my mom's birthday.

I'm not allowed to deliver to you next week.

Then you're entirely fucked.

Five hundred for the sofa and the telly?

Maybe it's time you went back to college.

-I put you out of business. -Get a loan.

...advance on my paycheck?

Is this a fucking charity?

-Oh, hello, Jo. -Fuck!

[suspenseful music]

[upbeat music]

Hi. Uh, Jo Hanson, Plant-arium Coffee Roasters.

62.

Hey, aren't you that nutter from Nationals

a few years back that went completely mental?

[chuckles]

What? What?

No. No, that wasn't me.

Oh.

Is this check-in, love?

[Hans] And this is the feature I am so loving about this model.

Jo?

This bloke's fucking good.

Depends what he's being judged on.

He spilled a few drops of milk

from the steam nozzle.

That's a point deduction.

-They write you down for that? -Yeah, of course, they do.

[announcer] Next up, 62.

62.

-[blows on hand] -[crowd applauding]

Hey, good luck out there.

[scoffs] I don't need luck.

[announcer] 62. Jo Hanson, Plant-arium Roasters.

Good afternoon, judges. Quick clarification.

Here at prelims, it's two drinks, correct?

Pulled espresso and a signature drink?

That is correct. The order is up to you.

Uh, you didn't bring along a team today.

On my own. Shall we begin?

Il espresso.

[dramatic music]

[crowd exclaims]

-She's good. -I could never juggle.

A coffee in its rawest and yet arguably most pristine form.

As my father always taught me, a twist to the left,

a gentle tap to release static electricity,

then another half twist to the right.

Espresso should be equal parts bitter yet sweet.

Robust yet tender.

From its origins in Turin,

the way the masters of espresso

envisioned it.

[in Italian]

[in English] I could never speak Italian.

I can hardly speak English.

[speaks Italian]

Fucking hell. We're toast.

Jo did win at South Gloucestershire,

but taking the win at Regionals was just the first step.

A step in the right direction.

-Perfect start to a perfect day. -[man] Thank you.

[rock music]

One unsweetened organic oat milk latte with,

-hmm, let's make it easy, a swan. -[scoffs]

-Clarification, if you will. -Mm-hm.

Is that a white swan in crema clouds

or a crema swan in relief against white clouds?

Uh, crema swan.

Tired of the shite they serve down at Event Garden?

Avante Garden.

Nationals released its list of competitors.

I see you're on it.

But did you forget rule 2.2.2?

A latte consists of a single shot of espresso with steamed cow's milk.

Perhaps this time around when you go mad as a bag of ferrets,

you'll actually hit a wheelchair-bound judge with a flying saucer.

[grunts]

This is a coffee competition,

not a milk competition!

I had no idea he was handicapped.

-You, madam, are disqualified! -What?

-I think the correct term is disabled. -I knew that.

-Get her out of here! -You're disqualified!

-You're all disqualified! -Out!

-[crash] -Out!

[Jo shouting]

Anyway, you're the one that's gonna shit themselves

-when I beat you. -Really?

Well, you can always click your ruby slippers together,

find a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow,

or a leprechaun in your undergarments drawer.

But milk substitutes like the ones you waste good coffee on

will never manage the rich, creamy perfection achieved

when, like Canadian Olympic pair ice skaters,

real milk and single origin coffee

embrace to form a flying figure eight

of flavor pirouettes on your tongue.

Wow. And they say I'm long-winded.

-Doojee. -What was that?

-If I have to explain it. -Hm.

Say, is that a swan or a western screech owl?

[both laughing]

Not bad for an inferior milk substitute.

-Toodle-loo. -You cannot let him get under your skin.

Specially if you plan to go all the way at Nationals.

Well, that's the plan, but keep it down, okay?

Jo is going to Nationals, people!

-Hey! -So cool.

-Sweet. -Right.

-Subtle. -All right, Jo!

Knew I could confide

in you, Roopa.

[soft music]

Hello. [chuckles]

-[Joan] Oh, texting. -Mom?

Oh, darling.

What are you doing here?

Happy birthday.

It's not for another month.

Sixty-five quid and some shopping vouchers.

That's completely unnecessary.

Your dad and I wanted to see the café.

The old man's here?

Well, he's parked out in the alley.

You know, the whole vegan thing, so...

[shudders] It's a little shabby,

but, uh, it's functional. Hm.

Oh, he's got beads in his beard. [laughs]

-Mom! Oh, my God. -Hello.

-Mom. -[Joan laughs]

Welcome to the Plant-arium family! See you later, Mom.

Drive all the way here and, uh, didn't wanna come inside?

Well, I couldn't leave the old girl in the alley, darling.

Unattended.

Oh, right. I suppose you'd get a ticket or something.

Or towed.

Quad shot, single origin, oat milk.

[engine starts]

-Is that a swan? -Yeah, it is, yeah.

Nicely done.

-Bye, darling. -Bye, Mom.

-[Joan] Here we go! -[honks]

[Raymond] Whoa, slow down, darling! I don't have a top!

Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, I'm late.

Oh, meet Petunia.

Yeah, the studded chihuahua collar was all that Pet Planet had.

All right, it made me feel all warm inside.

Do you think I'm metrosexual?

Is that even still a term?

And you couldn't have left Petunia at home?

She suffers from a severe case of separation anxiety.

Yesterday, before her brekky of red ants and crickets,

she got so pumped up on adrenaline, shot out of her cage,

and let me tell you, this baby hums like Usain Bolt when she gets spooked.

-Does it bite? -Oh, a little.

Things that look like food. Earlobes, nose, fingers.

-Okay. -I'll just go put her in the sink.

Two things win at Nationals:

great coffee and an equally great story.

So, no idea's off the table. Just throw anything out there.

Uh, I went online and watched some of the winners from last year

and compared them to the potential results of the registered judges

based on their socio-political histories and ethnic backgrounds and so forth.

Okay, you have me aroused.

I thought we could do this as a team, all of us.

We? Me too?

The Plant-arium Coffee Pit Crew?

Well, I wouldn't classify us under those terms.

Oh, come on. Master Roaster here.

And, Ray, no one is better at analytics and strategy than you.

And, Roopa...

You know...

Uh, I mean, you are Miss...

Come on, you're Miss Measurement and Cleanup.

I have a London Fog Cambridge four-piece Spinner Luggage set in olive green.

I've had it for four years, and it's still in the plastic.

Okay, so, hm...

...for our signature drink--

I see a grand political statement

about the times we live in.

Take the southwest American border.

Texas, we hire a coyote.

He brings across six, no, four,

four undocumented immigrants from Mexico,

or deeper into Central America. Nicaragua, Honduras, Guatemala,

it, it doesn't really matter. It's up to you. One for each judge.

They might have children. Then we bring them along too.

No one gets left behind.

Each immigrant, in soiled clothing,

carries a 25-pound burlap sack

of single-farm Panamanian beans on their backs.

We use the beans from the sweat of their backs to make the coffee.

Don't you think that's a little bit down there in the weeds?

We could make it Syrian refugees.

Boat people carrying across bags of coffee on sinking rafts.

Immigration is such a hot-button topic.

Okay, don't ever say boat people again.

Don't you think this is just a little bit exploitative?

Yeah, no, it is a bit political, actually.

My girlfriend works in animal rescue.

-Thus the leathery finger-biter. -Yeah.

Did you know the most expensive coffee bean

is found in the high-altitude Indonesian rain forest covered in feces?

Wait, I think I've heard about this.

The civet cat eats the coffee cherries,

shits out the beans, and the locals collect the shit,

clean the shit off the beans and roast them.

The enzymes inside the cat's stomach

create a distinctively pungent yet savory flavor.

-Is that even vegan? -Damn it.

It's an animal secretion, just like cow's milk.

Hold on a sec, girlfriend.

Milk is an edible secretion, isn't it? Like cum.

But I wouldn't know. This is poo.

And poo isn't edible.

I mean, my mom's dog Harry eats it,

but he does whatever he wants.

Uh, in this rescue place,

my girlfriend has one of these crazy,

hopped-up-on-coffee civet cats.

I get the cat, feed it coffee beans,

and when it shits, we have rare coffee gold.

Shrinking habitats, rare cats eating beans,

facing extinction, biosphere under threat?

And then we feed them the cat poo coffee?

Come on, guys. Jo, what are you? Truthfully?

Female owner, operator, barista

earning about 15,000 quid a year after taxes?

Who's trying to save the world one cup of coffee at a time.

You're spearheading a revolution.

-A female Pancho Villa. -Pancho Villa was a vegan coffee

-revolutionary too? -Seems unlikely, but let's just go with it.

The competition rules clearly state

that the use of cow's milk in the latte is mandatory.

But your almond milk latte is so ridiculously, resoundingly good,

it won't matter if you break the rules.

And if they disqualify you, that doesn't matter either.

-Exactly. -Because you made a stand for what you believe in.

And we stand with you.

Money and glory may be scarce,

but what we have, that's priceless.

Friendship and trust.

A well of it that digs so deep into the earth

and reaches so high up into the sky.

How does a well reach up into the sky, Roopa?

Lock it up, people.

-[sighs] -[chuckles]

-[Andy] Bye-bye, guys. -[Jo] Good night.

-You wanna hang out? -Uh, no, I've got a thing.

-A thing? -Yeah. A thing.

Sounds like you're trying to keep something from me.

Really? 'Cause last time I checked,

we weren't officially dating, so...

-Go and do your thing then. -Yeah?

-I've got a thing as well actually. -Have you?

-Yeah. On my own. -Okay.

All right, bye.

[upbeat music]

-[beeps] -Out of power? Piece of shit, fuck.

[doorbell buzzes]

[Ray] How you doing, Tammy? Looking good.

-This is gonna be fun. -[softly] Fucking asshole.

[dramatic suspenseful music]

Fucking piece of shit.

It is double elimination, winner-takes-all!

Loser owes 300 pounds!

[crowd cheering]

Last week's champ, Ridiculous Ray,

gets a buy-in for the first round

because we have an odd 15 tonight!

-[crowd cheering] -Then you've got room for one more.

Oh, look what the cat dragged in.

A late entry from the vegan side of the tracks.

-Struggling Josephine Hanson. -[crowd booing]

-Just Jo. -First up, we have Touchy Jo against Magical Megan.

Three minutes, one latte, room decides.

No spills, immediate disqualification.

Must have a clean, white, unbroken circle around the edge of the cup.

Competitors must name their art beforehand.

-Are we ready? -[crowd cheering]

-Call out and begin! -[crowd cheering]

-Rosetta. -Unicorn.

-[crowd cheering] -Come on, Ready?

♪ Picture this I'm a bag of dicks Put me to your lips ♪

♪ I am sick, I will punch a baby bear in his shit ♪

♪ Give me lip, I'mma send you to the yard, get a stick ♪

♪ Make a switch, I can end a conversation real quick ♪

♪ I am crack, I ain't lying, kick a lion in his crack ♪

♪ I'm the shit, I will fall off in your crib, take a shit ♪

And the winner is...

-[all] Jo! Jo! Jo! -[crowd cheering]

♪ We will cut a frowny face in your chest, little wench ♪

Butterfly or eye?

♪ I will walk into a court while erect, screaming ♪

-The eye! -[crowd cheering]

♪ Hey, you wanna hear a good joke? ♪

Salamander or scorpion?

-Salamander! -[crowd cheering]

Bye, Dan!

So long, Robbie!

Piss off, John!

-It's a dragon! -[crowd cheering]

Loser Logan! Bye, Bob!

Luscious Loretta against Magical Megan!

-[Rudy] It's Edvard Munch's Screaming Woman! -[crowd gasping]

[crowd cheering]

And Rambunctious Robbie

against Cock Happy Charlie!

Oh, she's got the broken heart.

[crowd groaning]

-Broken heart's the winner! -[crowd cheering]

Tree stump or killer whale?

-Killer whale! -[crowd cheering]

Lying John against Fucking Frank!

-Eiffel Tower! -[crowd cheering]

-She's the winner! -[crowd cheering]

Mo-- Mo-- Mona Lisa!

-Mount Rushmore! -[crowd gasping]

Giant Pacific octopus, endangered species!

-Edward Hopper! A masterpiece! -Wow.

Pablo Picasso, Cubist Woman!

[crowd applauding]

Bye, Jesse. Only two remain!

[crowd cheering]

Ridiculously Good Ray and Watery Milk Jo!

-[crowd groaning] -Just Jo, please.

Both of you have one loss apiece, so this settles it.

Do you even have 300 pounds, Jo?

Would I enter this sham of a contest if I did not?

That's a no!

Call out the artwork and let the clocks go!

[crowd cheering]

-A school of jellyfish. -A bridge.

-Just a bridge? -Yeah.

[crowd cheering]

[rock music]

[crowd screaming and laughing]

[crowd exclaiming]

[Rudy] London Tower Bridge!

School of jellyfish!

I mean, it's a bit overdone.

Queen Elizabeth when she first took rule

and the old regal one, you know, today.

I tried to capture the benevolent indifference in her smile.

Well, I mean, I concede.

And the loser is the loser!

-Ray! -[crowd cheering]

Okay, well...

[laughing]

Uh, you owe me 300 quid.

I'm good for it. Actually, I'm, I'm gonna have to owe you.

-I live here now. -Is that a single bed futon?

Yeah, I'm maximizing efficiencies.

Yeah, well, you could live with me.

-We could talk about coffee all the time then. -Yeah.

♪ Daddy, it's a good day ♪

Good morning!

Jo was a fighter, but she would need

an outstanding and unique specialty coffee drink in order to win.

Her cause, to save the planet one cup at a time,

was hanging in the balance.

[upbeat music]

[Jo] Someone pick up these beans, please.

Love foam.

Rosewater-brewed, a hint of plum and pomegranate,

a dash of agave, and, um, a passing wisp

of sour lime around the rim of the glass.

I, I think this is the one.

[sighs]

-Mm. -Mm.

[Ray] Mm.

-Okay. -[blows a raspberry]

-Uh... -Stop what you're doing. I'm about to change your lives.

Roasted these bad boys at 450 degrees Fahrenheit until they cracked,

let them cool, sprayed them with water, and roasted them again.

Ready?

-[gasps] Aww. -Nice kitty!

Paradoxurus hermaphroditus.

Otherwise known as the Asian palm civet cat.

On loan from the Pamela Anderson Film & Television Animal Rescue.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you a coffee-making machine.

Oh, and by the way, Pamela is vegan too. I thank you.

She answers to Powderpuff. Don't you?

-Is it friendly? -No.

So, I got a bushel of coffee cherries and made the cat eat them.

[chuckles] So you shoved them down its throat.

Does Pamela know you did this?

She lives in Malibu. Nine time zones away.

And, no, I gave it a choice.

Crisps, bananas, pizza, or coffee cherries.

That beauty pounced on those coffee cherries

like a fat kid on a burst piñata.

-Ooh, coffee cherries. -[soft growl]

-[forced chuckle] -Drink up.

[clicks tongue]

-Musky. -Mm-hm.

-I can't place the flavor. -Hm.

Well, it's, it's got something.

It's interesting, right?

-It's definitely unique. -Uh-huh.

-I'm picking up maybe seafood? -Mm-hm.

It tastes like... It's oddly like garlic?

-Spicy garlic. -Hm.

-[whispers] Spicy garlic. -Yeah, did the cat eat

a bunch of garlic chili paste as well as the cherries?

Uh, [scoffs] no, that was me.

I had this killer Thai garlic chicken.

Seitan garlic, Seitan,

in a spicy chili curry paste.

So, it turns out this pampered cinema industry cat

grew up on canned tuna, right?

It ate those coffee cherries and vomited.

-[cat meowing] -[retches] Oh, my... Ugh.

It couldn't digest its own natural cuisine.

So I did.

Mm.

[farts]

-[Andy grunting] -[poops]

[retches]

gasps]

[retches] These...

-...these coffee beans come... -[retches]

-...come from you? -Uh-huh.

[retches, spits]

And discovered it's all about what you eat first.

-[retches] -Next time, I'm thinking

I should eat a big block of chocolate.

[both gargling]

So the question is what flavor profile are you after?

-I like it. -[retches]

It reminds me of this tea my mom used to give me when I was a kid.

-Huh. -[Jo and Ray vomiting]

[upbeat music]

Welcome, everyone, on YouTube, Facebook,

and anyone lucky enough to be seeing this on penitentiary telly.

This is the British National Barista Championships,

coming to you live and edited for our fans incarcerated.

I'm Bernie Du Boucher

-and this is Lisa San-- -And I am Lisa San Germaine.

-Yeah. -And do we have a treat for you.

Oh, yes, we do. The La Marzocco representative

and German champion, all the way from Dusseldorf,

it's Hans Schittschuhlaufen.

Schlittschuhlauf.

Schlittschu-- Just tell me you're not gonna chuck me out of bed if I say it incorrectly.

Well, how many competitors do we have with us today, Lisa?

Forty-one. From all over the United Kingdom.

England, Ireland, Scotland, and Wales. And even the Isle of Man.

We're gonna follow each and every one of them

as they attempt to pull their best shot.

[Lisa moaning]

I call it Mexican Spiced Chocolate Galore.

Uh, melted chocolate de Mesa...

Is it true that each of the contestants

has a maximum of 825 points?

...skillfully dried summer pepperoncini, shaken over...

Is that right?

Oh, I love the way you say my name. Really rolls off your tongue.

-Lisa! -What?

...wild forest thyme infusion. This is...

Okay. So I shall blend it with, uh...

[gasps]

-Can we get a medic in here? -[gasps]

Each competitor has 15 minutes to create three coffees for four judges.

[squeals] You've got a way with words, Hans.

-Hands, Hans. -What?

What kind of specialty drinks do they make?

It's whatever they want.

Yeah, it is a no-holds-barred coffee tastebud takedown.

A few drops of milk over the side of a cup,

going over the allotted time, or even an audible shite

can doom their quest for barista immortality.

Hans, coffee has a really grand history.

Tell me, do you know how Moses likes his coffee?

[laughs] Hebrews it!

Well, if it's not Miss Hanson.

Hi.

[wheelchair whirrs, beeps]

-I-- -Wait for it.

-I should probably-- -I said wait.

-I was just-- -Stop.

You aren't planning on tossing any Royal Doulton my way, are you?

[grunts] Fuck! This is a coffee competition, not a milk--

I hadn't considered tossing anything around this time, actually.

I'd hate to have to deduct points for errant flying china.

No, of course. That would be if you were judging my round,

which I assume you're not?

Oh, my. It's Jo Hanson from Plant-arium Coffee Roasters,

and I am the judge.

And if you're thinking of serving me nut juice

in your cow's milk latte, you might want to reconsider.

Fuck. Fuck. Motherfuck.

Grab yourself a construction hardhat, because next up

is Jo Hanson from Plant-arium Coffee Roasters, London.

I've roasted and flavor-checked the high-altitude Ethiopian,

the high-altitude Guatemalan, and the low-altitude Panamanian.

I have precisely measured each one of the exact pulls of the beans

selected by my colleague Andrew.

Each one is color-coded,

and the machines, the carafes, the utensils,

well, they're spit-shine spotless.

-Did you actually spit on my gear? -Hm.

The way Angelo Moriondo would have wanted it.

All right, the judges.

Three live sea level, so I'd go bold for them.

The fourth spent 30 years at Chamonix as a snowboard instructor

who fancied hip-hop on the weekends.

Which suggests a preference for milder flavors.

Okay.

[all] Roast it!

Oh, look, some team spirit!

-Lock it up, people. -[laughs]

That looks warm, doesn't it? Looks fun, doesn't it, Hans?

We could do that up here.

We could slap each other, or I could slap you.

We could pat each other on the ass.

You could start with me.

[sighs]

[exhales]

Hey, let's keep those ghosts in the closet where they belong, eh?

-Yes. -Judges ready?

Timer ready. Let's begin.

Coffee has always been about revolution.

Jorge, you look like a man who can appreciate a good revolution.

-[crowd gasping] -The Arab world, the 13th century.

Coffeehouses were popular meeting places

where discussions bloomed about music, religion,

stoning of adulterers.

Run your fingers along the edge.

-Dangerous... -Oh.

-...like the coffee served in this period. -Hm.

Spiced with cumin, cinnamon,

swinging big blades here, mind your fingers,

and traditionally honey.

Cumin, that is one of my favorites.

You like it salty and sticky, eh?

All right, keep your hair on.

The essence of these danger-filled Arabian nights,

I have blended with ice and strained through Moroccan muslin.

A few drops are all we need.

We dive ahead, 1884.

The revolution comes to coffee.

Angelo Moriondo invents the world's first espresso machine.

[crowd applauding]

This one, I prepared at home.

Using a spectrometer to untangle its flavor components,

I discovered that the molecules of a caramelized date leaf,

when deep frozen in liquid nitrogen,

powdered and carbonized,

mirrored the desperation of the Orient,

fallen hordes at the Great Wall of China.

Sweet ginger, macadamia, and lychee.

A single drop, and we recall those tormented times.

Perfect hand. Steady, impressive.

Unbelievable. It's like watching David Blaine

shove a crochet needle through his cheek.

And I present to you my signature coffee drink.

Eight centuries of revolution.

And now, the way my revolutionary Italian friend

Angelo Moriondo envisioned it, il espresso.

Take your first sip.

Taste the florals of Ethiopian coffee cherries picked at high altitudes.

In your second sip, taste the creamy quality of coffee

grown in harsh, unwavering volcanic soil.

Now, drain your cups

and feel the warmth of an equatorial paradise.

Today, the revolution continues.

Global warming.

Here we go.

Billions of lattes are consumed every year.

And the milk from the cows that goes into those lattes,

the trillions of gallons of water

that is used to produce that milk,

is having adverse effects on our fragile planet!

Bring it home, Jo.

So I proffer a question.

Is it not criminal to add cow's milk to perfection?

The revolution must continue.

The revolution for oat milk, almond milk, soy milk,

and all other plant-based milks.

-Oh, she has left the building, Lisa. -Yes.

That nut milk has turned her into a nutter.

Oh, nut puns.

They're new for this year, Bernie. They're hilarious.

We don't make the rules. We just follow them.

However, the, uh...

...the pairing of cow's milk with great coffee

is still the way that competitions like this are constructed.

-[moos] -[Young Jo] It's wrong.

[Raymond] It's not Daisy anymore.

That's a nice bit of T-bone, that.

And so, I must comply.

Did I mention that Jo is extremely broke?

-What? -And did I also mention

that Jo is prone to bad decisions?

Well, she is.

Where we going?

Guys!

Guys, wait, where are you going?

Oh, we're out of here,

because our friend stabbed us

and the planet in the back.

I started eating cashew cheese because of you.

And I actually really, really like it.

After all that bullshit about saving the planet one cup of coffee at a time.

[Bernie] What do you say, Birmingham?

Shall we brew up some of baristas best of the best?

Shall we announce our five runners-up and crown our British champion? [squeals]

I had a chance to win. But I knew Jorge

-would disqualify me again. -Jorge.

-And I am broke. -Jo,

a principle is not a principle

-unless it costs you something. -Yeah.

How do you think Colin Kaepernick feels now?

Oh, I don't know who that is, but I agree.

-Yeah. -[crowd cheering]

Congratulations!

Becky, it's fantastic. Mm, yeah.

-Third place... -Third. Three.

Better get back in there, by the way, in case you win,

which will confirm the complete destruction of your moral compass.

Zombies have more conviction in their ideals,

and they've only got half a brain.

-Ray! Andy, come on. -Our final two from London!

It's like my mother always says.

You are not being honest if your burn your tongue,

and you do not tell everyone else that the soup is hot.

Rudy Wintergreen of Avante Garden

and Jo Hanson from Plant-arium Coffee Roasters!

[crowd cheering]

You lose even if you win.

Oh, and they just called your name.

-And now, the moment of truth. -Truth.

Our winner is gonna be taking home a trophy too large to be practical.

-[laughs] -Yeah.

Dubrovnik.

Sounds like a swanky fade haircut

you'd get from a Russian barber. [laughs]

-What does our runner-up get, Lisa? -Absolutely nothing, Bernie.

-Welcome to the stage, Rudy and Jo! -Yeah.

That's him. That's him. That's him.

And Jo? The tall, green vegan woman.

-Jo Hanson! -Jo?

[slow music]

[Jo] The pairing of cow's milk with great coffee

is still how competitions like this are constructed...

...and so I must comply.

[Hans] And the first runner-up...

[crowd applauding]

[Bernie] Which makes Jo Hanson our Royal

National Barista Champion!

Jo Hanson!

Go get your trophy!

See you in Dubrovnik, sellout.

She had gone against everything she believed in.

She won and lost.

The journey back would be difficult even for her.

-Hey, uh, what's going on here? -We're waiting for it to open.

-Well, what to open? -The coffeehouse.

Lassie won best coffee in the world.

-You mean in the UK. -Yeah, that too.

-Hello, everyone. I'm Jo, the owner. -[applause]

Uh, I'll be opening up right away.

Thank you all so much for waiting.

Oh, uh, so as not to disappoint anyone,

we're a vegan operation here.

-[crowd groans] -[man] Is that no milk?

[woman] No milk? For real?

Well, I hope it's as good as they say it is.

Okay, just give me one second here.

[upbeat music]

-[machine whirrs] -Oh.

Enjoy.

Oops.

Sorry.

Hey, girl. May I present Cameron and

this other guy, I don't know his name.

They're the only two dudes I could, like, get, so...

Maja, you, like, handle the till.

Cameron and friend, either of you two have

any hot liquid experience at all?

[chuckles] No, but she said you'd pay us.

Okay. Come with me.

Shit. Double shot decaf latte and a piccolo soy caramel.

Thank you very much.

Oh, Roopa, hi.

W-- wait, w-- wait, um, let me make you a coffee

the way you like it, for old time's sake.

Triple shot oat milk latte with a sprinkle of dark chocolate?

Here you go.

It's gone.

-What? -Your doojee.

-My doojee? -It's not here or here or here.

But you'll know when you find it.

-Bollocks! -[gasps] What? Whoa.

Where's my doojee?

I never got the chance to congratulate you.

-What's this? -It's a gift. I thought you might need it.

You know how I feel about cow's milk.

It's a moral issue you feel very passionate about.

Except for the days you don't.

It's funny how that works, isn't it?

Second place had to hurt.

Second place in the UK.

Did I not mention I have dual citizenship?

Yeah, I won the Canadian title a month and a half ago.

I'm gonna be representing Canada, and I'm gonna win.

♪ Oh Canada.. ♪

-[gasps] -What were you even doing in Birmingham at Nationals then?

Practicing. How about a piccolo doppio Ethiopian with almond milk

from the Royal United Kingdom champion?

I'll even pay for it.

-So, have you sourced your beans? -No.

Yeah, I have. Found a little finca high in the hills of Guatemala.

San Marcos region.

Maybe you've heard of it.

The Farm of the Two Marias?

-La Finca Dos Marias? -Yes! [laughs]

Is that an elephant trunk?

-It's a tulip. -Hm.

[grunts] Ugh. No. Uh, no. It's horrible.

What happened? You used to be so talented.

Lovely La Marzocco.

Yeah, that will look quite handsome over at my place. Hm.

I'll use it myself. Toots.

-I don't want this. -Whoa.

[gasps] Maybe it is a bit big for a paperweight.

Or maybe a doorstop.

-Oh, you really did it, Jo. -Yay.

You put your personal beliefs aside

and let your business sense rule you.

Oh, God, is it hot in here?

Oh. Do you want some edamame pesto?

It's 100% vegan. It's good.

You've had a very big effect on me, Jo.

As your oldest and dearest friend,

I am incredibly proud of you.

Oldest and dearest? Ah.

-What, am I not? -Marcy Simpson.

-Oh, yeah. -Hannah Williamson, Bridget Fonger.

-Yeah. -Then maybe you.

Well, as the assistant manager, and soon to be full manager,

don't go worrying about the loan right now.

You need to focus those high beams on the World Championships.

Next two payments in full in advance.

-So we're caught up? -Well, no, no.

You're extremely deep in debt.

Look, you win the World Championships...

-Yeah. -...you collect the 50,000 euros,

and then you parade back into merry old London Town the hero.

We franchise the Plant-arium.

I'll be your business partner, of course.

Well, me and the bank.

And then perhaps we move in together.

-We raise this baby together. -Baby?

Have you, um, you ever thought about being a parent?

[sighs] Look, I'm, I'm tired.

-Oh. -My hands are shaking.

My concentric circles are completely and totally wonky.

Besides, I've, I've lost my team.

Oh, teams? Teams come and go. Just like friendships.

But not this little black duck. I'm here with you for life.

-Mm. Smells nice. -Thank God.

Okay. Um, do you mind taking your hand off my shoulder now?

Collect half of what you need to compete in Dubrovnik,

and I will double it.

I mean, the bank will double it.

Have I gone up a little bit on your list of oldest and dearest mates?

-Second. -Yeah.

-Maybe a close third. -Yes! Yes!

[chuckles] Ow.

[powers down]

[Jo] Come on, go.

Oh. [sighs]

Oh, for fuck's sake.

-[honking] -[woman] Watch it!

Oh, shit.

And that will be two caramel cocoa,

watermelon cluster Coffuccinos with extra whipped cream

and one bubble gum Coffuccino

with crushed sour candy apple sprinkle, thank you.

Welcome to Buckstars.

Are you looking for a coffee?

Jo had lost her team, and with it, her doojee.

Not even Angelo Moriondo could help her now.

What? I don't understand!

You got this. [bangs table]

Come on.

Tight as possible.

Come on.

Piece of shit.

[retches] Come on!

Shit.

Fuck!

You're staring at me

with them beady little fucking eyes!

Ow.

[groans] Fuck. [grunts]

No! Fuck!

-[grunts] -[shatters]

Oh. [gasping]

[sobs] Angelo, I didn't mean it.

I'm so sorry.

[gentle music]

[shatters]

[cell phone rings]

Hi, Ray. It's Jo.

I know you don't wanna talk to me, but please just call me back.

Oh.

[sighs] Hey.

Mom and Dad. [sobs]

So headstrong.

Vegan cookies. [sobs]

Vegan whiskey and cookies.

Oh, Daisy. [sobs]

I'm such a terrible shit.

Daisy, I let them down.

Your brothers and sisters, and grandfather, and uncle and aunt,

second cousin twice removed.

[sobs] I let you down. I'm sorry.

-[Skype ringing] -Oh, coming.

Oh, hold your horses.

[groans, sighs]

Hans Schlittschuhschlaufen.

Don't be daft. You know it's me. You've called here 20 times before.

Can you cover your John Thomas? This is downright pornographic.

Hm? Oh.

I'm extremely busy here, Hans, so what do you need?

Yeah, well, that was a long time ago.

The coffee was simple, yet rich.

Sharp and dominant when hot.

Oh, yeah.

Yet tangy and nippy when cool.

La Finca Dos Marias is where

I first fell in love with becoming a barista.

La Finca Dos Marias.

[dramatic music]

[chuckles]

[goats bleating]

[hen clucking]

[engine spluttering]

-Orale, orale. -Hola.

La Finca Dos Marias?

Gracias.[chuckles]

-[indistinct chatter] -Hi.

Is this seat taken?

-[speaks Spanish] -Oh. Oh. Ooh.

[in English] Ah, ah. Okay.

[Jo] I left London yesterday morning.

Sixteen-hour layover in Houston.

Bargain airline. Used my friend's credit card

and a bunch of frequent flyer miles.

Quite a journey. [chuckles]

I've been here before.

-Cigaro? -Oh, uh, no, thank you.

Asthma, don't smoke.

-Buena? -Si.

Oh. Oh, oh.

[coughs]

Well, that's, that's what I'm trying to tell you.

Coffee is the one luxury item that many human beings,

myself included, agree that they cannot live without.

There's the thing. This wonderful contrivance,

consumed daily by the billions,

adds to the problem of global warming.

Can't, can't live without it, can't live with it, right?

That's why we need plant-based milks, Hugo.

[clucks]

Whoa, this is, uh, this is my stop.

Gracias.

Here's your chicken.

Gracias.

-Adios. -Bye!

[man] Orale,bye-bye.

[Jo] La Finca.

[soft music]

[goats bleating, chickens clucking]

Isabella!

Okay. I've, I've never helped in the birthing of livestock before.

My pet rabbit had babies, but they, they just pop out.

Do we wear scrubs?

I, I came all the way from London.

It was a really long trip.

The finca is as beautiful as I remember.

-[Isabella grunts] -[goat bleats]

Help me! Help me!

-Go! -[goat bleats]

[grunts]

-I count three, okay? -[goat bleats]

Uno, dos...

-[both grunt] -[goat bleats]

[laughs] Es una niña.

[kid bleats]

So, who are you?

[retches] Josephine Hanson.

-No. -I interned with you for a year.

There was a German man here for some of that time.

-German man? Yeah. -Mm-hm.

The German man with, with big...

...uh, dreams of, of making coffee.

I want to enter the world coffee championships, and I was hoping to--

You, I don't remember. Him, I, I remember.

Oh, big, long...

...name. Schlittschuhlaufen.

-[laughs] -You, uh, you remember his name.

-Oh, jah. -He was here for two weeks.

I was here for an entire year.

-Nothing? -No.

[Jo] You taught me that the best beans

come from plants at high altitudes,

growing in Guatemalan volcanic soil

beneath the cap of the clouds

in the heat of the direct sunlight all day every day.

You would say, "My beautiful coffee plants.

They find it so, so, so very hard to survive."

And then you would tell me about all the male strippers in El Salvador

and how that one gave you a black eye with his helicopter pork sword.

[narrator] And they talked and talked and talked.

Jo spent four days listening to Isabella's stories,

from her bouts of yeast infections

to the proper method of rolling a tamale.

Jo regained something she had lost,

as well as getting her mitts on the high-altitude coffee beans

that changed her life.

Well, you see, this, this one hectare here...

...is very special.

It is the best of my finca.

Only for my family and...

...and people who remember my stories.

[both laughing]

Well, you see, these, these cherries, they are denser, harder,

much more full of flavor.

They are the very best of the best of the best.

The best of the best. The best of the best!

-Yeah. -The best of the best.

-[chuckles] -The best of the best.

-This is, this is exactly what I need. -Ah.

Well, I think you have a, a bigger problem.

My, my doojee?

How can you tell from just looking at me?

-[grunts] -[gasps]

One, two, three. One, two, three.

-No, no, no. -Three.

Good?

I think you're going to need something else.

I think, uh, you're also going to need this.

This was...

This was my father's and his father before him.

Great men, great coffee growers.

-It's going to bring you good luck. -Hm.

Goat milk for the road?

-Oh, I don't do dairy. -Too bad.

-Gracias. Muchas gracias. -♪ Every little thing gonna be all right ♪

♪ 'cause I say so Every little thing gonna be all right ♪

Yes!

♪ Every little thing gonna be all right ♪

♪ 'cause I say so There's no need to worry ♪

♪ 'cause we're gonna be just fine ♪

[Jo] Bye, Isabella.

♪ Darling, let's forget the time ♪

♪ 'Cause I see children laughing ♪

♪ And we have something to say, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Hey yeah hey, hey, hey, hey yeah, hey, hey, hey ♪

[woman] Roopa, garbage.

You want me to take the rubbish out?

Roopa.

How could you?

I cannot talk right now. I'm working.

Working at Buckstars? Really?

Well, they're socially conscious.

They provide pension plans for part-time employees,

healthy vegan options, and they're trying to be ethical and eliminate straws

so that sea turtles don't get them stuck up their nasal holes. And they're helping shrink

-the GPGP. -What are you even talking about?

-The Great Pacific Garbage Patch! -Okay, don't,

don't change the subject, Roopa!

-Ah. -[knock on door]

Piss off. I'm busy.

-Hey, Andy. -If I was expecting visitors, I'd have tidied up.

Oh, really?

No, probably not.

What are you doing here? Do you mind?

-Can we talk? -I've got nothing to say.

Take off that apron.

[stutters] That visor as well.

They'll charge me for it if I don't return it.

Oh, oh, I'm sorry.

[grunts]

I see it under these medical supplies!

Okay.

Oh, there's a little tomato sauce on there.

Or blood. It's probably not blood.

There aren't any more polecats running around here, are there?

Sheila left me.

She says I have no drive. But I do have drive.

I've almost got the highest score on Riviera Racer New Millennium,

42,345,000 and counting.

Some snotty-nosed 12 year-old from Topeka, Kansas, has got the lead,

and he calls himself MuscleTurboThrust.

Six more days, he's mine.

How long you been on this sofa for, mate?

-What's today? -It's Thursday.

Since last Monday.

Ah. No wonder I got bedsores.

[Jo] I got one.

[grunting]

-[grunts, exhales] -Yeah.

-Oh. -Uh, I don't need your help either.

Okay.

I'm competing at Worlds.

[scoffs] You come here to take the piss?

No. I, I can't do it without you.

I'm a man. I'm a working man. I've got my timetable.

If you're not ready to commit, then I've got to find someone else who is.

It's as simple as that.

Guatemalan high-altitude, single-farm,

double-shot, extra hot almond with a splash of vanilla.

-Macchiato? -Of course.

[sniffs]

Oh, God, I've missed you.

I better go. The boss will write me up

if he's in a bad mood, and I'll get the sack.

You really buggered things up, didn't you?

And to be honest, you made me reconsider all this vegan thing.

These corporate people are sticklers for schedules and breaks.

It's all trust and friendship with us.

I suppose you're offering my old job back too?

-I am. -[scoffs]

Can we start making blended drinks?

Because those cotton candy coffees are really good,

-and I really like them. -No.

But I'm getting the team back together.

Come hear me out tonight at the Plant, okay?

[upbeat music]

[gasps] Andy.

Oh, God, it's so great to see you.

-This was a shit idea. -Wait.

Roopa! Hey, you made it.

-Just the two of us? -Mm-hm.

Obviously, this one didn't have the nerve to ask Ray to join us.

-[Andy chuckles] -[Ray] Hey.

-[sighs] -Ray.

-[exhales] -Good to see you.

-Please come sit at the bar. -Sure.

Don't.

Oh, tablecloth. Fancy.

Ooh, candles.

-Please cleanse your palates. -[clears throat]

Hiya, Team Jo.

I was just finishing up some reports on account of we are going

to the World Barista Championships in Dubrovnik.

What the bloody hell is Stoney doing here?

She goes by Katina now, and she's a bank manager.

Uh, not quite, but almost.

Well, her bank is funding the endeavor.

This is the drink that wins it all.

Most people associate coffee with breakfast, right?

But suppose coffee was breakfast.

-Does the apology come before brekkie or after brekkie? -[scoffs] Yeah.

The coffee I'll be using today combines the--

It is night. I just wanted to point that

to everyone so that we're all aware.

Which is confusing because breakfast is usually in the a.m.

-Mm-hm. -I'm backing Andy on this one.

-Is it a morning thing or a night thing? -Hm.

-Um, I have to say, I'm completely lost. -Shut up, Stoney.

The coffee I'll be using combines

the deep rich undertones of La Finca Dos Marias

with the floral top-notes of Ethiopia.

A smorgasbord of flavor.

-Smorgasbord? -I went to one with my mum.

-It had these tiny vegan meatballs. -Huh.

I would, I would like to meet your mum.

I pour the shot over half a teaspoon

of homemade burned orange maple marmalade

-already in the base of the glass. -Oh.

-Hm. -Now, I add a caramelized baked-oat cluster.

Ah.

Eleven green cardamom seeds are then crushed

and blended with 200 grams of whipped cashew milk cream.

[both sighs]

Topped with a wafer-thin bittersweet dark chocolate.

Breakfast is served.

Before you drink, note the aroma

as it moves across your tongue rhythmically

like a Brazilian carnival troupe of sweaty half-naked samba dancers.

Now take a small sip.

-You'd really meet my mum? -Yeah.

Now, be rewarded with the satisfying crunch

of the oat cluster bathed in burned orange maple marmalade.

-You know, meeting my mum is a big step. -Oh.

It's fucking fab.

It's better than that Mary Jane Mr. Gummer sold us at school.

All joking aside, it would, it'd really mean a lot to me

if you did meet my mum.

Honestly, one hit, I was on all fours dishing out blowjobs

to the whole of the junior rugby team.

Oh, the baby, it kicked.

-Ha. -One clarification. The half-naked samba dancers.

-Which half of them is naked? -Top?

See, I was picturing the bottom half.

Jo, I have but one word for you.

You have rediscovered your doojee.

Okay, that's five words. Five-and-a-half if you hyphenate doojee.

-Well... -Ray?

Acceptable. You got a name for it?

I call it Morning Glory Crunch.

-Ha. -Sounds like a morning trip to the loo.

-Yeah. -So what do you guys say?

-Are you with me? -I am.

Not you, I know you are.

If you're trying to make up for what you've done,

it's gonna take more than coffee and granola in a mug.

Yep, toodle-oo. I'm off too.

My shift at Buckstars starts at 5:00 a.m.,

and you know I need my eight hours, so...

Wait, guys, wait. Wait!

Ten thousand lattes.

Tons of greenhouse gases that you personally had a hand

in stopping polluting the atmosphere with.

And that's just you, Roopa.

Go back to Buckstars, that all ends.

Some people at Buckstars

drink almond milk or soy milk or rice milk.

I mean, it's not as common as cow's milk, but it is changing.

And, Ray, how many tons of beans have you delivered to the Plant-arium

for the exclusive enjoyment of socially aware customers?

I lost count.

And, Andy, come on.

How many of those beans have you roasted?

And how many of my coffees have you enjoyed

while working at the Plant-arium?

I like your coffee, Jo. I really do.

But I've got that snot-nosed wanker Double Thrust Turbo kid to beat.

These are the sacrifices that we make.

Thanks to you and you and you,

vegan coffee is winning in this little corner of the world.

We didn't win. You tossed in the towel.

There's a bigger mountain out there to climb,

and I can't climb it alone.

And it's windy. [whistles]

It's freezing.

And I'm reaching my hand out to you.

Oh. Oh, not you, Katina. This is for them.

Oh, I'm pregnant. I just, I just lose track. Just carry on.

Andy, I'm pulling you off that sofa.

I'm saving your life because you saved mine.

Okay, but the sofa and the video game is pulling me back.

Uh, I feel a metaphor coming.

The World Barista Championship

is the Everest of coffee excellence,

and there's only one way to scale it. Together.

So that we don't lose our balance.

Why don't you tie on to one of those llamas so you don't go ass over tit?

That makes a great deal more sense,

because I'm afraid of heights. I get nauseous.

Oh, this isn't about Everest, or climbing coffee mountains.

It's about being honest with your mates.

-[hesitates] -Ah.

-[Andy] Uh-uh-uh. -[Ray] No.

Are you gonna do this the right way or not?

-You have my word. -Which is bankrupt.

And you say you're gonna meet my mum? She's Jamaican

and practices an ancient voodoo magic, Obeah.

If you disappoint her, all of the hair on your scalp will burn and fall off.

And that would not be pretty.

♪ Baby, can't you see I'm calling ♪

♪ A guy like you should wear a warning ♪

♪ It's dangerous, I'm falling ♪

♪ With a taste of your lips I'm on a ride ♪

♪ You're toxic I'm slipping under ♪

♪ With a taste of a poison paradise ♪

♪ I'm addicted to you ♪

-[gasps] Buckstars. I haven't had my coffee today. -Me too.

-Yeah. -Oh, come on, guys.

The corporatization of quality coffee.

I mean, I still do have my 30% company discount.

Oh, well, in that, in that case.

Mm.

You can really taste the bubble gum.

I haven't had cotton candy since I went to the circus

and an elephant rolled on a juggling clown

and squished his head.

Dad shoved cotton candy down my throat

to shut me up from crying.

-Aww. -Mm-hm.

The robust taste of machine-burned coffee beans

and sickly sweet mocha syrup, all blended with ice.

-All that with 30% discount. -Mm.

It's financially responsible.

You were kidding, right, when you said no cow's milk before?

You were kidding?

-No. -What?

♪ With a taste of your lips I'm on a ride ♪

♪ You're toxic I'm slipping under ♪

♪ With a taste of a poison paradise ♪

♪ I'm addicted to you ♪

This woman, Jo Hanson,

has filed an emergency injunction against WBC

stating the mandatory use of cow's milk is discriminatory.

Hey, discriminatory against who? Almonds?

Relax, okay? The judge is an old friend.

He likes coffee, and he hates the Brits.

-They don't seem happy to see us at all. -Mm-mm.

Perhaps it's the legal papers I filed in High Croatian Court.

What?

-[Jo] Hello. -Maybe they'll poison us in our sleep.

Hello. Love your country.

Can you believe this? They show up now?

-[clears throat] -Wait.

-Um... -What just happened?

It's, like, an obvious breach of the peace.

Like an act of forcible repossession.

These big dudes are here,

they're taking away the espresso machine.

Well, well, stop them. Don't let them take it.

[scoffs] No, that's not gonna happen.

They are very scary no-neck dudes.

They literally have no discernable neck.

They said you, like, defaulted on a loan to the Avante Garden,

-so they're taking it. -Fuck.

Rudy took the La Marzocco, and with it,

my ability to provide a place where the socially conscious

can relate over a great cup of coffee.

Well, you better bloody fucking win this thing then.

Well, you better bloody fucking win this thing then.

Yeah, bloody fucking win.

When the going gets tough,

the tough brew single-origin, fair-trade beans.

-Yes. -Yes, that's it, Jo.

[Jo] Come on!

Your Honor, this woman has suggested

some sort of discrimination

based on a set of pre-conceived notions that she has forfeited

by agreeing to participate in this barista competition,

thereby waving her right to argue against them.

Did you sign such a document?

I ticked that box. It was part of the official application.

But you did check it, no?

Do you, Seka, as the court-appointed lawyer,

disagree with this,

what Mr. Novak has argued here today?

Uh, well, Your Honor, uh,

it's pretty much the way she describes it, um,

and we have nothing more to add.

-Then I must rule-- -Wait. I have something to say.

This is about more than caffeinated brown liquid.

This is about our children and our grandchildren.

-This is nonsense. -Go on.

You have my attention, but keep it short.

I have two divorces and a bankruptcy after this.

The World Barista Championship must represent all milks,

including almond and soy, to the world of coffee.

Objection.

But why?

[in Croatian]

[in English] Greenhouse gases, to be exact.

Did you know that it takes 1,000 gallons of water

to produce just one gallon of cow's milk?

Do we not have the duty to make the world aware, on this international stage,

that other choices of milk are viable, taste good,

and are healthier for those who consume them?

You say these other milks are healthier?

Almond milk, for example, is cholesterol-free,

saturated fat-free and promotes a healthy heart.

You and you, in my chambers right now.

''Nice touch with the Croatian, but your accent is terrible.

I love rich, creamy latte in the morning.

But this, I have not had for a long time

since I'm having a heart problem.

Quadruple bypass. You know these things?

I love coffee,

but I cannot spoil it with milk squeezed from... nuts.

I'm not sure when you last tried it, but things have really changed.

The nut milk that I use is soft and creamy.

Like a woman's thighs.

-Uh... -Um...

-Yes. -Yes.

Uh, well, I suppose that depends on the woman.

Oh, of course. Depends on the woman.

-Novak, you agree? -Well, I... [clears throat]

If health and taste are your issues,

please let me make you a coffee.

-I must protest. -Enough. Latte, now, you make.

[dramatic music]

Hurry, hurry.

Stenograph, over there in the corner.

Novak, you are lawyer, sit here.

Seka, you are lawyer, here.

I am the judge. I will sit in the middle.

He is from Dubrovnik, sea level, bolder.

-Okay. -Guatemalan, high mountain.

22 grams exact pull.

[nervous laugh]

I don't want you to go all wonky, but you remember when I told you

I was using the bank's corporate credit card to put all the expenses on?

-Yeah, I do. -I lied.

It's my personal credit card,

and it's maxed out. [chuckles]

And I'm a pregnant woman experiencing hot flashes

and, and emotional imbalance.

-Okay. -So, no pressure.

-Good luck. -Okay.

Come on, Stoney, let's go.

Your Honor, imagine this is your first visit to my coffeehouse.

This is how we start our coffee friendship.

The latte, creamy like a woman's thighs.

Mm.

[Jo] The one you've been missing?

-Objection. -Uh, overruled. Continue.

Thank you.

The coffee, an elegantly expressive Guatemalan

single-farm La Finca Dos Marias.

Handpicked yellow and red fruit from above 4,000 feet.

This is the first specialty coffee

I personally fell in love with many years ago.

-Yes. -Ooh.

Go on. -Cool.

Objection, she's leading the witness.

I'm not the witness. I am the judge.

Please, to continue.

By using 22 grams in the basket and getting 36 out,

the tangy strawberry notes play like wanton river nymphs cavorting in your mouth.

River nymphs. They were in this Coen Brothers film which I enjoyed.

-Right. -Yeah, that's O Brother, Where Art Thou?

It's a great movie. It's...

-Sorry. -With three and a half ounces of total milk volume

and a lower temperature...

...we create a dessert-like character

reminiscent of soft, melting chocolate ice cream.

Your Honor, renew your love affair...

...with coffee.

This is ridiculous.

This is not ridiculous.

This is good.

This is almond milk?

Yeah, it is, only the finest.

And where do you get such almond milk?

-Whole Foods. -Whole Foods?

Yes. Uh...

[sighs]

[bangs gavel] I am decided, from this day forward,

the World Barista Championship will allow milk beverages of all kinds,

including but not limited to almond milk.

Let's go. I have a divorce at one o'clock.

-Oh. -I need lunch. Go, go, go, go.

[all cheering]

-Yes! -Yes, you did it!

-We did it! -Oh, my God.

Wow.

-Yeah. -Yeah.

-Ciao. -Ciao.

[all cheering]

-Hi, I'm-- -Hi, I am Lisa San Germaine,

and that is Bernie Du Boucher,

and we are welcoming you

to the World Barista Championships.

Broadcast live on the worldwide web, on YouTube,

and also at your nearest petrol pump for Petrol Station Television.

So, Bernie, tell me, you excited about today?

Well, I am-- -Now, he's very excited.

He's always excited, actually, but he's more excited about today

because the World Barista Championships is the premiere coffee competition

for coffee creativity and excellence.

Yes, that is correct.

Yes.

First up is Kaito Mitsakawa from Mount Fuji Coffeerama,

Hakusan-dayk, Japan.

-Hakusandake. -Hakusandake.

-Japan. -Japan.

Yes.

-Oh, bugger. -Oh, God.

The fight against cow's milk

will just have to carry on without you

now you've lost your Plant-arium espresso machine.

Oh, but, hey, thanks for changing the rules.

Oh, well done.

So perfectly and utterly pointless.

You and him?

-Wow. -[Rudy] Lovely machine.

No, it's my natural body scent.

[Bernie] Unbelievable.

This drink from Canada's Rudy Wintergreen

is so intricate and involved,

it may very well require a four-part engineering plan

and a degree from MIT to complete.

You know, Bernie, I really think this could be our winner.

-Yes. -It is a gastronomic extravaganza.

[Lisa] He takes a juiced Granny Smith apple, reduced and clarified,

to which he adds whole milk, brown sugar,

xanthin gum and calcium lactate gluconate,

which has been blended together and frozen overnight.

He then creates a bath of sodium alginate and distilled water,

into which he spoons a scoop of the Granny Smith sugar concoction

where it forms a sphere

onto which he sprinkles charred, crumbled pecans.

And over this knobbly ball, he pours

single-farm, fair-trade Guatemalan coffee.

[Rudy] I present... an espresso

with charred, crunchy pecans,

and a surprise ball...

...of Granny Smith apple reduction.

Enjoy.

[Lisa] And now, we watch

as the judges attempt to consume

what is now really quite a complex, solid, gooey ball.

It's like trying to swallow a large, warm,

slippery raw oyster.

[chuckles] Yes.

All right, and the British judge,

um, the one who uses a wheelchair

because he can't use his legs, but he can use his hands,

-he does appear to be having... -Oh.

-[gags] -Is he... He may be choking.

-It's okay. -[gasps]

-Swallow. Swallow it up. -[gurgles]

I think he is choking, Lisa.

-But he's smiling. -And gagging.

-[gurgles] -Swallow. Part of the experience.

-He's got it down. -[sighs]

He loves it. He loves it. Smiles all around.

And I think that is going to be a very high score

for Rudy Wintergreen of Canada.

I think he just said "I wanna have sex" in German.

[laughs] I am all in.

You could be his mum, Lisa.

-That was a bit uncalled for. -Yes.

That fucking ballbag stole your drink.

That name though, sex in German, that's inspired.

How the fuck did he get my drink?

Um...

All right, I was compromised.

-What? -It was late last night, and I came here to set things up.

[Andy] Hans.

Uh-huh.

Hans and I both discussed

how we liked to work out and, you know, eat well.

Right, when you're not sitting in your underwear playing computer games

and eating three-day-old pepperoni pizza!

He was shocked to hear that me and my girlfriend had split up, actually.

[sobs]

I cried. And he asked if I like

to make the zoom-zoom with the boom-boom,

and if I missed it now that she was gone.

-Uh-huh. -Mm-hm.

Mm.

[exhales]

No. No, no, no, no, no, no.

Uh, Jo is a very, very dear friend.

[sighs]

Wait, so his shirt was off? When did that even happen?

Just before we started eating the strawberries and cream. They were delicious.

♪ Bon appétit, baby, appetite for seduction ♪

♪ Fresh out the oven ♪

♪ Melt in your mouth kind of loving ♪

And we moved on to other lovely exotic fruits.

I didn't know what they were. I just had my eyes closed, so he started feeding me.

And I just ate them. I swallowed every little last drop of them.

They were delicious and juicy, they were.

One thing was quite prickly, actually.

And, you know, we started wrestling, like real men do.

-[grunts] -We got hot and sweaty, so we cooled each other down.

Oh, she calls it Morning Glory Crunch.

[moaning, screaming]

Then I got thirsty. We drank champagne,

and... one thing led to another.

Oh, come on, Andy! You expect me to believe that you and Hans got naked,

you made him my specialty drink,

and then the two of you f...?

All right. We had a couple of beers, and we played table football.

And I must have told him. I'm sorry, Jo. I don't remember doing it.

-Andy! -Did nail that name though, didn't he?

-Ow, sorry. -You're pathetic.

[sighs] Oh, my God.

[inhales sharply]

-What the hell is that? -It's a touchstone to my, to my roots.

Yeah, you're gonna wanna clean your hands after that.

[machine sizzles]

-Ah, scheisse. -[Lisa gasps]

A costly premature erroneous milk spurt

coming from the German chap.

Oh, so unfair, that.

I hate it when that happens.

It's just so frustrating.

-Tsk, tsk, tsk. -[sighs, chuckles]

Our fragile planet. [sniffs]

Boop.

-[all gasping] -Roopa, how did you do this?

I prepared, just in case.

Roopa, I'm so impressed.

You may have actually found your doojee.

Okay. La Finca Dos Marias,

raw sugar, agave, kumquats,

blackberries, and black currant foam.

60/40 black currant jam to rose water under pressure.

-But what's it called? -Night Movement. No.

-No. -Still sounds like poo.

It does. It sounds like a poo.

-I'll work on the name. Hands in. -[Announcer] Jo Hansen...

-[all] Roast it! -Night Movement!

-No, you need to change the name. -It's just not working.

I am here to take you on a journey.

A journey to save our magnificent and fragile planet.

[Lisa] It's quite brave that she's grappling

with the issue of global warming.

Perhaps there is something

more important than coffee.

What could possibly be more important than coffee?

Il espresso. For my signature drink, I will test your palate

with tender flavor notes that recall the polar,

temperate and equatorial zones of the planet

that we must strive to preserve at all costs.

Enjoy.

What do you call it?

I call it Fragrant Relief.

Oh, Jo.

[Jo] I will finish with a latte.

Simple, clean, and vegan.

[crowd cheering]

The coffees have been made,

the judges have been ca-- ca-- caffeinated,

and the scores have been ca-- ca-- ca-- ca--

-In. -...ca-- ca-- calculated.

Yes!

In sixth place,

Seo-yun Gwok from South Korea!

-Yes! -Come on up!

Fifth place, Bart Cooper from Australia!

Fourth place, Manny Shapiro, Bolivia!

In third place, Hans Schlittschuhlaufen from Germany!

-[Bernie] Schlittsschuhlaufen! -[audience] Go, Hans!

Now, our winner and runner-up!

Oh, my.

Never before in the history of the WBC. We have a tie!

-[screams] -Yes!

Rudy Wintergreen, come on up here!

[audience] Go Rudy!

Jo Hanson, come on up here!

-[cheering] -[excited gasp]

[Andy] Come on, Jo!

-[crowd cheering] -[Andy] Yes!

-Yes! -Both have a perfect score of 825 points,

which means these two will go into a sudden death.

Winner-take-all. Takedown of lattes!

[Lisa] It's the first ever tie-breaker for WBC.

-Bernie, what are the rules? -Three minutes head-to-head,

same machine, five judges, five lattes.

The only difference tonight is one is vegan,

the other is rich, luscious cow's milk.

It really is white-knuckle, heart-stopping stuff.

It's actually quite exciting stuff here tonight.

[narrator] It was do or die for Josephine,

and not even some half-baked belief

in Angelo Moriondo could help her now.

Good luck. -I don't need luck.

I have full-fat cream, and you have juiced nuts.

-[crowd chanting] Latte! Latte! -Three minutes, one latte.

Contestants, begin.

[dramatic music]

[gasps]

[exhales]

Today I'll be making you a cashew milk beverage...

I will be making a milk beverage...

...single origin, naturally processed Ethiopian...

...from a state farm in Guatemala...

...with flavor notes of chocolate...

...with tones of caramel...

-...stone fruit... -...and hazelnut.

...and jasmine.

[dramatic suspenseful music]

[crowd chanting] Latte! Latte! Latte!

[announcer] Quiet, please.

[crowd chanting] Latte! Latte! Latte!

[announcer] Order. -[crowd] Cappucinno!

[crowd] Espresso, Espresso.

Unbelievable. Rudy Wintergreen has created five gorgeous lattes.

Can Jo Hanson come anywhere near his caffeine rapture

with a thin, watery nut juice?

Jo has put her cups together like a Japanese Himitsu Bako puzzle box.

Shout? Shout?

Shave, shave me?

[crowd murmuring]

For God's sake, it's "Save Me." As in save the bloody planet.

[crowd cheering and applauding]

The weight of the world in a cup of coffee.

I agree, it's a hard sell.

[announcer] Quiet, please.

Order.

Haruto Kobayashi, Japan.

-One for Wintergreen. -[audience cheering]

[announcer] Chuck Jones, USA.

-One for Hanson. -[audience cheering]

-Well done, Jo! -[crowd cheering]

[announcer] Quiet, please.

Order.

Order.

Ronald Gorelick, Poland.

-One for Wintergreen. -[audience cheering]

Ife Nwachukwu, Ethiopia.

One for Hanson, two apiece.

-[crowd] Latte! Latte! Latte! -[announcer] Quiet, please.

[announcer] Jorge Smythe-Biggins, United Kingdom.

[dramatic music]

[crowd cheering]

Bravo! Bravo!

Three to two. That makes Jo Hanson

from Plant-arium Coffee Roasters our winner.

And the first ever female winner of the WBC.

Apart from the Polish lady.

Apart from the Polish... Oh, yeah.

Apart from the Polish lady who won last year.

-[crowd cheering] -[indistinct chatters]

[Jo] Coffee pit crew, get up here!

[laughing and cheering]

-We won! -♪ Bring me a higher love ♪

You see all this? It's me.

I'm her financial backer,

uh, soon-to-be franchise underwriter.

And I'm her third best friend. But I'm moving up.

Hi, can I have a latte? The way you make it.

Triple shot, extra hot, almond, right?

♪ Bring me a higher love, love ♪

♪ Bring me a higher love ♪

Triple shot latte, please.

With oat milk.

-Is that your trophy? -Yeah, it is, Dad.

Go on, Raymond. Tell her your plan.

I've decided to plant oats and grains.

Oat milk, it's, it's the future.

♪ Bring me a higher love ♪

♪ Bring me a higher love ♪

You need a hand, Ray?

Yeah, sure.

♪ Bring me a higher love ♪

♪ Bring me a higher love ♪

♪ Bring me a higher love ♪

[narrator] So perhaps when you have your next cup of joe,

consider having it Jo's way.

The planet and the cows will thank you.

And by the way, I'm still not Morgan Freeman.

♪ Things look so bad everywhere ♪

♪ In this whole world what is fair ♪

♪ We walk the line and we try to see Oh, yeah ♪

♪ Falling behind in what could be Yeah ♪

♪ Bring me a higher love ♪

♪ Bring me a higher love ♪

♪ Bring me a higher love, oh ♪

♪ Bring me a higher love ♪

♪ Come on bring me the higher love ♪

[cow mooing]

[upbeat music]

[rock music]

So it turns out that...

Hm. [sings]

...pampered cinema industry cat.

[sighs] No that was me.

It ate those coffee charity...

Charities.

Was that right? Was that...

...grew up on coffee. Oh, fuck off.

Mm, mm.

Sorry, sorry, sorry I'm late.

Um...

-[Iguana growls] -Fuck, it fell.

Good boy.

[hoots] What?

This is my dog bark. Ready.

[barking]

Come by for a cow's milk latte.

-On the house. -I love your machine.

I love your machine.

You did that in a German accent. That was kinda cute.

-I know. -I love the cow's milk cappuccino.

-I know. -You taste--

-I know. -[both laughing]

The only nuts I want in my cup belong to Hans.

[laughs] It's a joke. It's a joke.

-It's new for this year. -I'm just going to the, to the, to the toilet, everyone.

-Yes. -Do you need any help?

[upbeat music]