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00:00:04,000 --> 00:00:08,000
Subtitles - Ripped (and Hacked)
by RavyDavy - Part of the [RL] Crew
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The only thing as delicious
as those first few bites...
2
00:00:50,597 --> 00:00:52,394
of a truly great burger...
3
00:00:52,466 --> 00:00:55,663
are those first few dates
with someone truly great...
4
00:00:55,736 --> 00:00:56,930
like Berger.
5
00:00:57,003 --> 00:01:00,769
So I thought, "That's cool,
I'll do a book reading in my hometown."
6
00:01:01,074 --> 00:01:05,010
Right about after the fifth question
I realized that my mother is heckling me.
7
00:01:05,078 --> 00:01:06,602
- She was not.
- No, she was.
8
00:01:06,680 --> 00:01:10,878
Ask anybody at the Downers Grove
Barnes & Noble. They still talk about it.
9
00:01:11,618 --> 00:01:12,949
Come here.
10
00:01:15,288 --> 00:01:17,848
Everything is fresh. Everything is a first.
11
00:01:17,924 --> 00:01:19,084
You like your beef.
12
00:01:19,159 --> 00:01:20,956
Everything is foreplay.
13
00:01:23,663 --> 00:01:27,429
Even a trip to Bed Bath & Beyond
can become an ecstatic errand.
14
00:01:27,501 --> 00:01:29,366
I don't see you as a fish person.
15
00:01:29,436 --> 00:01:32,428
The problem with the fish
is you're into the whole fish theme.
16
00:01:32,506 --> 00:01:34,906
You have the fish soap, fish bathmat.
17
00:01:34,975 --> 00:01:37,876
It's a pyramid scheme, this shower curtain.
18
00:01:38,145 --> 00:01:40,670
Now, this is the one I have at home.
19
00:01:41,314 --> 00:01:43,339
Except on mine, China's covered in mold.
20
00:01:43,417 --> 00:01:46,318
And here they thought
communism was a problem.
21
00:01:46,386 --> 00:01:50,152
You know, it's a very intimate thing,
shopping for shower curtains.
22
00:01:50,223 --> 00:01:52,919
Yeah? Wait till I get you into bedding.
23
00:01:55,328 --> 00:01:57,922
And, of course, those first kisses...
24
00:01:57,998 --> 00:02:00,592
are the greatest kisses in the world.
25
00:02:05,405 --> 00:02:06,633
Good night.
26
00:02:10,811 --> 00:02:14,269
We should get out of here
before they turn the lights off.
27
00:02:14,681 --> 00:02:18,048
The wait staff couldn't wait any longer
and neither could I.
28
00:02:18,118 --> 00:02:22,111
I wanted Berger
in my bed, bath, and beyond immediately.
29
00:02:22,189 --> 00:02:25,920
I'm either leaving a very big tip
or a dry cleaning receipt.
30
00:02:36,136 --> 00:02:38,104
- My hair.
- Sorry.
31
00:02:38,171 --> 00:02:40,002
- Was that...
- No, I just...
32
00:03:01,461 --> 00:03:04,521
The next night,
Samantha convinced us to go to Raw...
33
00:03:04,598 --> 00:03:07,692
where the scene was hot
and the food was not.
34
00:03:07,868 --> 00:03:11,099
You'd think a place that eliminated cooking
could eliminate waiting.
35
00:03:11,171 --> 00:03:12,900
You mean they don't cook the food?
36
00:03:12,973 --> 00:03:16,739
That's why they call it Raw.
The raw food movement? People love it.
37
00:03:16,810 --> 00:03:19,870
Sting, Demi, Soon-Yi, soon me.
38
00:03:19,946 --> 00:03:21,709
Now, what is raw food exactly?
39
00:03:21,781 --> 00:03:25,774
Vegan non-dairy, and nothing
is cooked over 118 degrees.
40
00:03:25,952 --> 00:03:28,284
So, in other words, raw vegetables.
41
00:03:28,355 --> 00:03:31,119
- And sometimes flowers.
- And you knew about this?
42
00:03:31,191 --> 00:03:34,160
- I read a review in The Times.
- Where, in the gardening section?
43
00:03:34,227 --> 00:03:37,754
- I heard it's delicious.
- People, the emperor has no oven.
44
00:03:39,533 --> 00:03:42,900
Sorry. I didn't get enough sleep last night.
45
00:03:42,969 --> 00:03:47,372
- Really? Did you finally bugger Berger?
- How long did you wait to say that?
46
00:03:47,440 --> 00:03:50,534
- It just occurred to me.
- Yes, we finally buggered.
47
00:03:51,378 --> 00:03:53,505
You realize
you're now applauding intercourse?
48
00:03:53,580 --> 00:03:55,844
It was her first time,
and she really likes him.
49
00:03:55,916 --> 00:03:57,850
Jones, your table is ready.
50
00:04:03,823 --> 00:04:06,587
- So, details?
- It was good.
51
00:04:07,027 --> 00:04:08,722
- It was fine.
- Fine?
52
00:04:08,795 --> 00:04:11,389
- I don't want to talk about it.
- He couldn't get it up?
53
00:04:11,464 --> 00:04:15,230
He could get it up. That wasn't the...
You know what, there was no problem.
54
00:04:15,302 --> 00:04:16,633
Moving on.
55
00:04:19,172 --> 00:04:20,764
Enjoy your meal.
56
00:04:27,480 --> 00:04:31,678
What? I don't want to make a big deal
about it. It was just the first time.
57
00:04:33,386 --> 00:04:35,479
We're so good everywhere else.
58
00:04:35,555 --> 00:04:38,149
We're great in restaurants,
it's like poppity pop-pop.
59
00:04:38,224 --> 00:04:41,751
And the kisses are great, and then in bed...
60
00:04:42,796 --> 00:04:45,026
there was no sexual chemistry.
61
00:04:45,765 --> 00:04:47,926
I don't know what happened. He just...
62
00:04:48,001 --> 00:04:51,198
- Couldn't find your clit?
- He knows what he's doing.
63
00:04:51,471 --> 00:04:53,462
Then what are we talking about?
64
00:04:55,976 --> 00:04:59,036
- It was just quiet.
- I wouldn't worry about it, Carrie.
65
00:04:59,112 --> 00:05:01,808
If the kisses were good,
the sex will eventually be good.
66
00:05:01,881 --> 00:05:03,872
- I'm not worried.
- How quiet was it?
67
00:05:03,950 --> 00:05:07,181
It was so quiet
that at one point I heard the M11 bus.
68
00:05:07,253 --> 00:05:09,744
I heard the doors open,
I heard people getting off.
69
00:05:09,823 --> 00:05:13,452
At least someone was getting off.
And speaking of...
70
00:05:14,728 --> 00:05:16,889
- Welcome to Raw.
- Hello.
71
00:05:21,167 --> 00:05:24,295
We'd like to get you started
with a little amuse-bouche.
72
00:05:24,371 --> 00:05:26,305
I'd like him to amuse my bush.
73
00:05:26,373 --> 00:05:29,900
- This just looks delicious.
- It's our summer vegetable soup.
74
00:05:29,976 --> 00:05:33,537
I see you guys are set for drinks,
I'll give you a minute with the menus.
75
00:05:33,613 --> 00:05:37,709
- Our specials tonight if you're interested...
- I'm extremely interested.
76
00:05:37,984 --> 00:05:40,885
Leek papaya patties
and zucchini enchiladas.
77
00:05:41,688 --> 00:05:43,417
I'm gonna need a pizza after this.
78
00:05:43,490 --> 00:05:47,449
I'm gonna need a napkin to dry off my seat.
That waiter was hot.
79
00:05:48,161 --> 00:05:49,458
And the soup is not.
80
00:05:49,529 --> 00:05:51,861
- What is this?
- Bad, this is bad.
81
00:05:51,931 --> 00:05:53,558
It is like lawn in a bowl.
82
00:05:53,633 --> 00:05:56,295
Maybe some things
should be over 118 degrees.
83
00:05:56,369 --> 00:05:57,700
Like sex, for example.
84
00:05:57,771 --> 00:06:00,569
Can we please forget
I said anything? Seriously.
85
00:06:01,374 --> 00:06:02,807
Who else has news?
86
00:06:03,410 --> 00:06:07,471
I do, but you have to put down your menus,
because I need your undivided attention.
87
00:06:07,547 --> 00:06:11,074
You'll have to shoot our waiter.
Will you look at that ass?
88
00:06:13,420 --> 00:06:14,819
Do you mind?
89
00:06:15,522 --> 00:06:18,218
I have something a bit shocking to say.
90
00:06:19,025 --> 00:06:23,724
After I say it, I don't want anyone to react
because I'm very happy with my decision.
91
00:06:26,199 --> 00:06:27,928
I'm becoming a Jew.
92
00:06:31,738 --> 00:06:34,172
- What?
- I can feel you reacting.
93
00:06:35,008 --> 00:06:38,307
I love Harry very much, and he loves me.
94
00:06:38,378 --> 00:06:42,405
So, tomorrow, I'm meeting
with a rabbi to discuss converting.
95
00:06:42,482 --> 00:06:44,780
Isn't that a lot of hoop-jumping for a man?
96
00:06:44,851 --> 00:06:48,912
Look, Harry is not
who I expected to fall in love with, but I did.
97
00:06:49,589 --> 00:06:52,854
And he makes me laugh,
and he says what he means...
98
00:06:52,926 --> 00:06:55,451
and I feel like I can be myself around him.
99
00:06:55,528 --> 00:06:57,189
But yourself is Episcopalian.
100
00:06:57,263 --> 00:07:01,324
And it is still
the most exciting sex I've ever had.
101
00:07:01,968 --> 00:07:03,299
Mazel tov.
102
00:07:04,104 --> 00:07:05,765
Now, this is food.
103
00:07:05,839 --> 00:07:09,036
You know what's even better?
While I'm eating this slice of pizza...
104
00:07:09,109 --> 00:07:11,475
my boyfriend is home
taping my favorite TV show.
105
00:07:11,544 --> 00:07:15,378
- And to which boyfriend are we referring?
- My boyfriend TiVo.
106
00:07:16,015 --> 00:07:19,974
- You've traded Steve-o for TiVo.
- We don't talk of Steve-o anymore.
107
00:07:20,053 --> 00:07:22,283
- I thought if I changed his name...
- Who needs him?
108
00:07:22,355 --> 00:07:25,882
With TiVo, when there's something
I don't enjoy, I speed right through it.
109
00:07:25,959 --> 00:07:27,893
- Lf only we could do that in life.
- Exactly.
110
00:07:27,961 --> 00:07:31,988
He surprises me with things I might like,
which is how I got hooked on Jules & Mimi.
111
00:07:32,065 --> 00:07:33,396
I stopped watching TV...
112
00:07:33,466 --> 00:07:35,900
when people started putting
leeches down their pants.
113
00:07:35,969 --> 00:07:37,698
No, this is BBC America.
114
00:07:37,771 --> 00:07:41,901
It's about a beautiful black man from Brixton
and a white woman from Hampstead Heath.
115
00:07:41,975 --> 00:07:45,433
I don't know what that means,
but apparently there's a great divide...
116
00:07:45,512 --> 00:07:48,310
and he rents the flat above her hat shop...
117
00:07:48,381 --> 00:07:50,872
and tonight, they're finally having sex.
118
00:07:51,818 --> 00:07:53,479
Good luck to them.
119
00:07:53,720 --> 00:07:55,745
- Carrie, it was the first time.
- I know.
120
00:07:55,822 --> 00:07:59,053
- And sometimes you have to work at it.
- Have you had to work at it?
121
00:07:59,125 --> 00:08:01,093
I'm dating a digital recording device.
122
00:08:01,161 --> 00:08:04,028
I have never had to work at it
with someone I really like.
123
00:08:04,097 --> 00:08:07,863
- You should probably keep that to yourself.
- Okay, but, Miranda...
124
00:08:08,802 --> 00:08:11,669
I got to tell you, it was not good.
125
00:08:11,738 --> 00:08:13,137
There was...
126
00:08:14,774 --> 00:08:18,801
no throw down.
It was more like a slow down.
127
00:08:19,546 --> 00:08:23,107
It caught me completely off guard
because I thought it would be amazing.
128
00:08:23,183 --> 00:08:24,912
- Maybe that's the problem.
- What?
129
00:08:24,984 --> 00:08:27,953
Your expectations were too high.
Of course you were disappointed.
130
00:08:28,021 --> 00:08:31,582
From now on, people should tell it like it is.
First-time sex: Tricky.
131
00:08:31,658 --> 00:08:34,650
Non-dairy vegan ravioli: Kindergarten paste.
132
00:08:43,236 --> 00:08:46,728
As I tried to scrub the smell
of uncooked okra off me...
133
00:08:46,806 --> 00:08:50,207
I started thinking about "sexpectations."
134
00:08:52,345 --> 00:08:56,406
We're aware as smart, single women
that we can't expect perfection...
135
00:08:56,482 --> 00:08:59,542
but life still manages
to throw us curve balls.
136
00:09:00,153 --> 00:09:04,522
Maybe once you're into your mid-30s,
it shouldn't be called dating.
137
00:09:04,791 --> 00:09:06,122
It should be called...
138
00:09:06,192 --> 00:09:08,683
"Waiting for the other shoe to drop."
139
00:09:09,195 --> 00:09:11,755
If it's not the sex between me and you...
140
00:09:11,831 --> 00:09:13,924
then someone has to become a Jew.
141
00:09:14,367 --> 00:09:16,733
Why is it always something?
142
00:09:17,670 --> 00:09:21,197
Unless you're in
a problem-free relationship with TiVo.
143
00:09:24,677 --> 00:09:25,701
No.
144
00:09:26,980 --> 00:09:28,379
Maybe later.
145
00:09:29,716 --> 00:09:30,876
Hello.
146
00:09:33,286 --> 00:09:34,514
Shut up.
147
00:09:36,222 --> 00:09:37,587
Thank you.
148
00:09:44,464 --> 00:09:46,455
Jules, are you there?
149
00:09:48,134 --> 00:09:49,533
Hello, Mimi.
150
00:09:50,270 --> 00:09:53,171
Do you always answer
the door without your shirt on?
151
00:09:53,439 --> 00:09:56,602
The heat isn't working.
That's why I rang you up.
152
00:09:57,777 --> 00:09:59,677
It seems to be working.
153
00:10:00,280 --> 00:10:02,680
It's definitely balmy in here.
154
00:10:02,749 --> 00:10:04,580
The problem is in the bedroom.
155
00:10:04,651 --> 00:10:08,052
Right, of course. The bedroom.
156
00:10:08,655 --> 00:10:11,385
The next day, Charlotte boldly went...
157
00:10:11,457 --> 00:10:13,448
where no York had gone before.'
158
00:10:14,093 --> 00:10:15,583
The synagogue.
159
00:10:19,465 --> 00:10:22,298
Shalom. Where would I find the rabbi?
160
00:10:23,303 --> 00:10:24,964
His study. Inside.
161
00:10:25,571 --> 00:10:26,902
Thank you.
162
00:10:32,245 --> 00:10:34,372
- Are you the rabbi?
- Yes.
163
00:10:34,514 --> 00:10:36,209
Hi, my name is Charlotte York...
164
00:10:36,282 --> 00:10:40,184
and I'm here today because I would
like to consider joining the Jewish faith.
165
00:10:40,253 --> 00:10:42,050
We're not interested.
166
00:10:50,730 --> 00:10:53,426
Hello. I need to report a very rude man.
167
00:10:53,499 --> 00:10:55,660
I was saying my name is Charlotte York...
168
00:10:55,735 --> 00:10:58,898
and I would like to consider
joining the Jewish...
169
00:11:02,809 --> 00:11:05,403
I don't know what is with these people.
I never!
170
00:11:05,478 --> 00:11:08,003
Do you know how much I love you
for doing this?
171
00:11:08,081 --> 00:11:12,108
Do you know how sexy you look?
That's it, I have to have you immediately.
172
00:11:12,185 --> 00:11:14,312
Harry definitely had throw down...
173
00:11:14,387 --> 00:11:17,185
but Charlotte was
too thrown and down to care.
174
00:11:17,256 --> 00:11:20,692
Stop, Harry.
I'm feeling very rejected by your people.
175
00:11:21,661 --> 00:11:25,188
That's the game, baby.
They try to make it hard for you.
176
00:11:25,665 --> 00:11:27,496
- What?
- It's part of the process.
177
00:11:27,567 --> 00:11:31,230
Traditionally, they turn you down
three times to make sure you're serious.
178
00:11:31,304 --> 00:11:35,365
Suddenly Charlotte understood.
They were playing hard to get.
179
00:11:36,042 --> 00:11:38,033
They were rules rabbis.
180
00:11:38,778 --> 00:11:40,575
I can play that game.
181
00:11:41,848 --> 00:11:43,645
I invented that game.
182
00:11:44,784 --> 00:11:46,979
No man rejects Charlotte York.
183
00:11:47,053 --> 00:11:51,251
I don't care what any rabbi says.
You are my chosen person.
184
00:11:54,460 --> 00:11:57,258
Miranda was looking forward
to another perfect night...
185
00:11:57,330 --> 00:11:58,922
with her perfect boyfriend.
186
00:11:58,998 --> 00:12:01,728
But unfortunately,
there was another woman.
187
00:12:01,801 --> 00:12:04,736
- I think I did something bad.
- What do you mean? Brady?
188
00:12:04,804 --> 00:12:08,501
- I just checked on him.
- No, boy is beautiful, is fine.
189
00:12:12,612 --> 00:12:13,704
TiVo?
190
00:12:15,481 --> 00:12:18,279
What did you do? Exactly what did you do?
191
00:12:20,620 --> 00:12:21,985
I sit on...
192
00:12:23,456 --> 00:12:24,684
and then nothing.
193
00:12:24,757 --> 00:12:27,988
You sat on TiVo? Is it okay?
194
00:12:30,163 --> 00:12:32,825
Nothing is recorded.
How could you do this?
195
00:12:32,899 --> 00:12:36,027
This is Jules & Mimi, the morning after. No!
196
00:12:38,671 --> 00:12:39,729
Yes.
197
00:12:41,741 --> 00:12:45,677
And across town, I lay in bed
willing Berger to call me...
198
00:12:45,945 --> 00:12:47,572
which never works.
199
00:12:52,318 --> 00:12:54,252
- Hello?
- Hey, it's me.
200
00:12:54,954 --> 00:12:56,512
Sorry for not calling earlier.
201
00:12:56,589 --> 00:13:00,150
This is the same excuse every guy gives,
but in my case it's true.
202
00:13:00,226 --> 00:13:02,626
A 60-foot raccoon
was attacking the village...
203
00:13:02,695 --> 00:13:05,755
and I had to trap it and kill it and stuff it...
204
00:13:05,832 --> 00:13:07,265
and everybody's safe now...
205
00:13:07,333 --> 00:13:11,497
even the little Flanders girl
who was stuck in a tree.
206
00:13:12,839 --> 00:13:16,036
But I might have rabies.
What have you been up to?
207
00:13:16,742 --> 00:13:21,145
Same old. Did The Times crossword puzzle,
found a cure for cancer.
208
00:13:21,214 --> 00:13:23,045
You did The Times crossword puzzle?
209
00:13:23,116 --> 00:13:24,708
Monday's, not Sunday's.
210
00:13:25,585 --> 00:13:29,612
Okay. I need three people to do Sunday's,
one has to have the answers.
211
00:13:29,689 --> 00:13:32,351
I was thinking
that if two people can be good in bed...
212
00:13:32,425 --> 00:13:36,452
when they're not in the same bed,
how hard a conversion could it be?
213
00:13:36,529 --> 00:13:39,930
- I have some answers if you have cab fare.
- Yeah?
214
00:13:59,152 --> 00:14:00,380
Dump him.
215
00:14:00,453 --> 00:14:04,480
Fuck me badly once, shame on you.
Fuck me badly twice, shame on me.
216
00:14:05,057 --> 00:14:06,786
Is that the saying?
217
00:14:07,093 --> 00:14:08,355
That's my saying.
218
00:14:08,427 --> 00:14:10,793
I don't want to dump him.
I think he's fantastic.
219
00:14:10,863 --> 00:14:13,297
Aren't we getting a little old
to jump to the dump?
220
00:14:13,366 --> 00:14:17,632
What about working on things?
Look at Charlotte, she's becoming a Jew.
221
00:14:17,803 --> 00:14:21,796
I need something that will make a guy
come in his pants as soon as he sees me.
222
00:14:21,874 --> 00:14:23,034
Got it.
223
00:14:24,010 --> 00:14:27,673
- You talk to sales people like that?
- I'm here all the time. They love me.
224
00:14:27,747 --> 00:14:31,615
Is this for a specific gentleman
or do you just look for that generally?
225
00:14:31,684 --> 00:14:33,481
It's for that hot waiter from Raw.
226
00:14:33,553 --> 00:14:37,182
I'm sleeping with him tonight,
but he doesn't know it yet.
227
00:14:37,323 --> 00:14:39,291
I think I have to talk to him.
228
00:14:39,358 --> 00:14:42,020
- No!
- We talk about everything else.
229
00:14:42,094 --> 00:14:45,086
Honey, when it comes to sex,
spray it, don't say it.
230
00:14:45,164 --> 00:14:49,032
- Okay, that was unnecessary.
- I'm trying to salvage your love life.
231
00:14:49,101 --> 00:14:52,195
The only words you should be saying in bed
are dirty ones.
232
00:14:52,271 --> 00:14:55,206
I can't do that without alcohol.
233
00:14:55,274 --> 00:14:58,368
Then start drinking,
because if you want a hotter sex life...
234
00:14:58,444 --> 00:15:00,571
you're going to have to turn up the heat.
235
00:15:00,646 --> 00:15:02,307
Starting with...
236
00:15:03,149 --> 00:15:04,741
I don't wear furry shoes.
237
00:15:04,817 --> 00:15:08,344
- They're not for you, they're for him.
- He mostly wears Loafers.
238
00:15:08,421 --> 00:15:11,390
- Are you sure I can't talk to him about it?
- Honey...
239
00:15:12,225 --> 00:15:15,160
if the sex isn't great,
it doesn't help to say it's not great.
240
00:15:15,228 --> 00:15:18,197
That's usually a downer,
and by that I mean...
241
00:15:20,666 --> 00:15:24,568
Plus, he must know it's not great.
He can't think this is good.
242
00:15:25,605 --> 00:15:26,799
Oh, God.
243
00:15:27,340 --> 00:15:29,968
Is it possible he thinks this is good?
244
00:15:30,209 --> 00:15:31,471
Here we are.
245
00:15:31,544 --> 00:15:34,342
As a matter of fact, I'm gonna take this.
246
00:15:34,614 --> 00:15:37,742
We'll take two. And these in a 7.
247
00:15:39,952 --> 00:15:42,921
That evening Miranda had
one of those regrettable discussions...
248
00:15:42,989 --> 00:15:45,651
that results from the belief
that you and your partner...
249
00:15:45,725 --> 00:15:47,590
should be able to talk through any problem.
250
00:15:47,660 --> 00:15:51,994
We have been over this before.
I feel like you are not listening to me.
251
00:15:52,431 --> 00:15:56,128
I turned the system off for 10 minutes
and nothing changed.
252
00:15:59,105 --> 00:16:02,233
I'm sorry. I'm upset.
253
00:16:04,176 --> 00:16:08,169
I'm just so disappointed.
I got used to coming home to something.
254
00:16:08,247 --> 00:16:10,545
Can't you work with me on this?
255
00:16:13,586 --> 00:16:17,613
You told me to do that already.
What is wrong with you?
256
00:16:24,497 --> 00:16:26,158
Friday night with Berger.'
257
00:16:26,232 --> 00:16:29,724
I had my sexy lingerie
under my cool couture...
258
00:16:30,169 --> 00:16:32,069
and I was feeling good.
259
00:16:32,772 --> 00:16:35,002
You look so hot in that shirt.
260
00:16:35,374 --> 00:16:36,898
You being serious?
261
00:16:36,976 --> 00:16:39,308
Okay, we're gonna need some drinks.
262
00:16:40,780 --> 00:16:43,442
It's happy hour,
so frozen margaritas are two-for-one.
263
00:16:43,516 --> 00:16:46,246
- All right, okay. When in Rome...
- Sure.
264
00:16:47,920 --> 00:16:51,822
Since we were 0 for two,
I figured two-for-one was a good idea.
265
00:16:58,497 --> 00:17:02,729
And after three unreturned phone calls,
Charlotte decided to make a house call.
266
00:17:02,802 --> 00:17:05,737
Hello, rabbi.
I brought you some kosher wine.
267
00:17:17,316 --> 00:17:20,376
I'm sorry,
but my husband can't see you now.
268
00:17:20,453 --> 00:17:23,752
Excuse me, I don't mean to be rude,
but I think he can.
269
00:17:24,490 --> 00:17:26,048
Miss. What...
270
00:17:29,395 --> 00:17:32,523
I am 37 years old,
I'm reproductively challenged.
271
00:17:32,598 --> 00:17:35,999
I'm in love with a Jewish person,
it took me 20 years to find him.
272
00:17:36,068 --> 00:17:38,400
I don't have time to play these games.
273
00:17:52,852 --> 00:17:55,320
All right, Charlotte, lesson number one:
274
00:17:55,388 --> 00:17:57,219
You have to give it a rest...
275
00:17:57,289 --> 00:18:00,087
because it's about to be Sabbath,
the day of rest.
276
00:18:00,159 --> 00:18:01,956
You want to be a Jew?
277
00:18:04,430 --> 00:18:05,488
Sit.
278
00:18:06,999 --> 00:18:09,729
Watch. Learn.
279
00:18:10,970 --> 00:18:12,904
That is so sweet.
280
00:18:12,972 --> 00:18:16,373
But actually,
I'm supposed to meet my boyfriend...
281
00:18:19,078 --> 00:18:20,670
I can skip it.
282
00:18:21,247 --> 00:18:23,010
Come, girls, gather.
283
00:18:36,796 --> 00:18:37,956
Sorry.
284
00:18:53,446 --> 00:18:54,936
Amen.
285
00:18:58,217 --> 00:19:02,051
And Samantha was at Raw,
ready to get things cooking.
286
00:19:03,722 --> 00:19:06,156
- Welcome to Raw.
- Hello.
287
00:19:06,992 --> 00:19:08,550
I was here the other night.
288
00:19:08,627 --> 00:19:12,461
That's what happens. You come once,
and you keep coming over and over.
289
00:19:12,531 --> 00:19:13,793
Here's hoping.
290
00:19:14,467 --> 00:19:16,662
I'll be with you soon. I'm getting slammed.
291
00:19:16,735 --> 00:19:21,069
For some reason the hostess keeps seating
everyone in my section. Be right back.
292
00:19:31,450 --> 00:19:34,419
Suddenly Samantha realized
why the raw food movement...
293
00:19:34,487 --> 00:19:35,977
was a movement.
294
00:19:36,055 --> 00:19:38,285
Women weren't there for the cold food...
295
00:19:38,357 --> 00:19:40,848
they were there for the hot waiter.
296
00:19:44,763 --> 00:19:45,923
Sorry.
297
00:19:50,836 --> 00:19:52,428
Look who's home.
298
00:19:53,472 --> 00:19:56,270
I got held up at work. Thanks for filling in.
299
00:19:56,342 --> 00:19:58,333
Hi, cutie.
300
00:19:59,245 --> 00:20:00,974
Did the TiVo guy come?
301
00:20:01,046 --> 00:20:04,174
No, they called
and said that they'd have to reschedule...
302
00:20:04,250 --> 00:20:06,241
for a week from Thursday.
303
00:20:06,318 --> 00:20:08,115
A week from Thursday?
304
00:20:08,187 --> 00:20:11,679
Yeah, but I played around with a few things,
and I think it's okay now.
305
00:20:11,757 --> 00:20:14,123
- What do you mean, it's working?
- Yup.
306
00:20:17,763 --> 00:20:20,732
I love you. I mean, you know, for fixing that.
307
00:20:21,033 --> 00:20:23,558
Yeah, Magda said it was kind of important.
308
00:20:25,838 --> 00:20:27,601
Listen, I gotta take off.
309
00:20:28,307 --> 00:20:29,365
Hot date?
310
00:20:29,441 --> 00:20:33,104
Yeah, I got this dinner thing.
See you later, champ, all right?
311
00:20:38,884 --> 00:20:42,217
Some things, like a broken TiVo,
can be repaired.
312
00:20:42,421 --> 00:20:46,414
And others, like a broken heart,
are a little more complicated.
313
00:20:47,259 --> 00:20:50,820
Four hours
and four courses of uncooked food later...
314
00:20:50,963 --> 00:20:53,864
Samantha and her competitors waited it out.
315
00:21:01,907 --> 00:21:05,138
Maybe they were less horny,
maybe it was all that roughage...
316
00:21:05,210 --> 00:21:07,872
but one by one, women threw in the napkin.
317
00:21:34,473 --> 00:21:36,304
Can I get you anything else?
318
00:21:37,109 --> 00:21:41,273
No, I'm just enjoying
my delicious mushroom tea.
319
00:21:42,481 --> 00:21:43,573
Okay.
320
00:21:46,518 --> 00:21:49,419
- Did you want anything else?
- You know what?
321
00:21:49,922 --> 00:21:53,016
I would like to have some
of that Key lime custard.
322
00:21:53,859 --> 00:21:56,293
It sounds too good to pass up.
323
00:21:56,495 --> 00:21:57,484
Okay.
324
00:22:13,479 --> 00:22:15,276
Honey, you've put up a good fight...
325
00:22:15,347 --> 00:22:17,781
but you have no idea
who you're dealing with.
326
00:22:17,850 --> 00:22:21,718
I'm going home with him and
you're going home with Key lime custard.
327
00:22:22,121 --> 00:22:25,852
So what do you say I buy your dinner
and we call it a night.
328
00:22:29,328 --> 00:22:30,317
Oh, okay.
329
00:22:30,629 --> 00:22:31,789
Check!
330
00:22:33,298 --> 00:22:37,496
Meanwhile, I was finally confident
I could heat up my sex life...
331
00:22:37,903 --> 00:22:40,201
because I was a sex columnist.
332
00:22:40,606 --> 00:22:44,406
I was resourceful, and I was drunk.
333
00:22:46,378 --> 00:22:47,709
I'm sorry.
334
00:23:03,662 --> 00:23:06,062
I got a little something for you.
335
00:23:08,300 --> 00:23:10,291
And you're gonna love it.
336
00:23:14,873 --> 00:23:16,340
Look at that.
337
00:23:22,748 --> 00:23:24,511
Get ready, mister...
338
00:23:34,927 --> 00:23:37,760
'cause I got something under here for you.
339
00:23:41,166 --> 00:23:42,929
And there are shoes.
340
00:23:44,303 --> 00:23:46,294
Wait till you see me in these.
341
00:23:57,916 --> 00:23:59,383
Are you okay?
342
00:24:00,185 --> 00:24:01,709
Yeah, I'm fine.
343
00:24:12,531 --> 00:24:14,761
And after a night of raw food...
344
00:24:14,833 --> 00:24:17,859
Samantha enjoyed an all-nighter of raw sex.
345
00:24:39,191 --> 00:24:41,853
- Can I tell you a secret?
- You're 12?
346
00:24:42,728 --> 00:24:45,322
You didn't have to order all that shit.
347
00:24:45,397 --> 00:24:47,592
I was ready to go home with you
last Tuesday.
348
00:24:47,666 --> 00:24:50,362
Now you tell me, I ate a fucking cactus.
349
00:24:51,236 --> 00:24:54,535
- Get back down there and make it up to me.
- Awesome.
350
00:25:11,223 --> 00:25:13,214
Samantha was still having sex...
351
00:25:13,292 --> 00:25:16,284
when it dawned on me
that Berger and I hadn't.
352
00:25:32,311 --> 00:25:34,745
We both knew, it was now or never.
353
00:25:41,820 --> 00:25:44,186
That morning I resigned myself to the idea...
354
00:25:44,256 --> 00:25:47,623
that I would never again
have frozen drinks or hot sex.
355
00:25:49,428 --> 00:25:51,988
- I suck, this is awful.
- I know.
356
00:25:52,064 --> 00:25:54,055
I've never been this bad.
357
00:25:54,766 --> 00:25:58,759
Look, I don't want to toot my own horn here,
but I'm way better than this.
358
00:25:58,837 --> 00:26:01,863
I've been told I'm good at this.
I don't know what's happening.
359
00:26:01,940 --> 00:26:05,239
- We're so good everywhere else.
- Would you look at us in restaurants?
360
00:26:05,310 --> 00:26:08,336
- We're the best.
- We're the couple you want to be.
361
00:26:09,715 --> 00:26:13,151
All right, we gotta make the bed
more like a restaurant.
362
00:26:18,891 --> 00:26:20,256
Are you coming back?
363
00:26:20,325 --> 00:26:22,520
Yeah. Grab something that'll help.
364
00:26:27,099 --> 00:26:30,262
Now we're talking.
What do you have there, a pet?
365
00:26:31,336 --> 00:26:32,496
Shoes.
366
00:26:39,711 --> 00:26:42,145
Berger, what if we're just
not good together in bed?
367
00:26:42,214 --> 00:26:43,772
No, don't say that.
368
00:26:44,316 --> 00:26:46,682
All right, look, I choked.
369
00:26:47,586 --> 00:26:49,417
- We had it all going on.
- We did.
370
00:26:49,488 --> 00:26:52,150
I thought it'd be great,
and I wanted it to be great...
371
00:26:52,224 --> 00:26:53,714
and I choked.
372
00:26:54,259 --> 00:26:57,228
I came over the next night
and thought it would be better and...
373
00:26:57,296 --> 00:26:59,025
- I choked.
- What's up?
374
00:26:59,097 --> 00:27:01,531
We should be smoking, not choking.
375
00:27:02,134 --> 00:27:04,261
I think sometimes the rhyme helps.
376
00:27:04,736 --> 00:27:05,998
I agree.
377
00:27:06,104 --> 00:27:09,699
Boy, those are some very sexy shoes.
378
00:27:10,142 --> 00:27:12,975
- Shall I put them on?
- Yeah, couldn't hurt.
379
00:27:21,820 --> 00:27:24,152
Here, throw some of that
over your left shoulder.
380
00:27:24,222 --> 00:27:26,554
Come on, you want things to get worse?
381
00:27:28,527 --> 00:27:32,122
- I was gonna talk to you about it, but...
- I wanted to talk to you, but...
382
00:27:32,197 --> 00:27:35,132
Let's make a deal.
I talk to you, you talk to me.
383
00:27:35,200 --> 00:27:37,464
We should be
able to talk about these things.
384
00:27:37,536 --> 00:27:39,766
- Let's talk about it.
- We'll talk.
385
00:27:50,248 --> 00:27:51,442
That morning...
386
00:27:51,516 --> 00:27:54,679
the other shoe dropped,
and it wasn't bad at all.
387
00:27:55,020 --> 00:27:57,147
In fact, it was kind of hot.
388
00:28:06,000 --> 00:29:06,000
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