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Subtitles - Ripped (and Hacked)
by RavyDavy - Part of the [RL] Crew
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They say that the women in New York
are the most beautiful women in the world.
2
00:00:56,002 --> 00:00:59,995
Which explains why men in New York
spend all their time looking at them.
3
00:01:00,807 --> 00:01:04,538
The city is a veritable playground
for men's roving eyes.
4
00:01:04,678 --> 00:01:09,138
Unfortunately, they need both of them
looking straight ahead to survive.
5
00:01:11,618 --> 00:01:15,349
This New York woman was pretty happy.
I was seeing Big again.
6
00:01:15,422 --> 00:01:19,552
Unfortunately, my New York guy
was still seeing other women.
7
00:01:22,262 --> 00:01:25,857
If checking out other women
is the biggest problem, you're lucky.
8
00:01:25,932 --> 00:01:29,925
- Well if its so small, he should be able to stop.
- You can't change that about a man.
9
00:01:30,003 --> 00:01:32,335
It's part of their genetic code, like farting.
10
00:01:32,406 --> 00:01:35,842
- You're gonna put me off my pretzel.
- You must take Big the way he is.
11
00:01:35,909 --> 00:01:39,106
Once you try to change a man,
it's doomed. They won't budge.
12
00:01:39,179 --> 00:01:42,342
I know, but you can
subtly manipulate and cajole.
13
00:01:42,416 --> 00:01:44,850
The things you can work on
are hair and wardrobe.
14
00:01:44,918 --> 00:01:48,183
- Even then, it's a constant battle.
- I like the hair and wardrobe.
15
00:01:48,255 --> 00:01:51,349
Then be happy. Honey, no man is perfect.
16
00:01:51,491 --> 00:01:55,518
I'm not asking for perfection,
I'm just looking for slight alterations.
17
00:01:55,595 --> 00:01:57,426
Be careful with alterations.
18
00:01:57,664 --> 00:02:00,565
If you pull the wrong thread,
everything falls apart.
19
00:02:00,967 --> 00:02:03,595
While Samantha and I discussed
the theory of change...
20
00:02:03,670 --> 00:02:05,797
...Miranda was going through it for real.
21
00:02:05,872 --> 00:02:08,841
She had a new apartment,
a new boyfriend...
22
00:02:09,543 --> 00:02:12,876
...and a new dating schedule
that was killing her.
23
00:02:18,752 --> 00:02:22,620
Hey. I'm sorry.
I thought we'd be closing the bar earlier.
24
00:02:23,623 --> 00:02:27,423
- You were asleep.
- No, I'm up. Hi.
25
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Come on in.
26
00:02:32,265 --> 00:02:33,857
Come here. You okay?
27
00:02:34,968 --> 00:02:36,265
Let's see.
28
00:02:40,907 --> 00:02:43,876
- Is that better?
- That's better. Thank you.
29
00:02:44,511 --> 00:02:46,138
How was your night?
30
00:02:47,514 --> 00:02:50,108
I don't know. I was asleep.
31
00:02:50,517 --> 00:02:52,576
I'm sorry I was late.
32
00:02:57,224 --> 00:02:59,089
We were gonna close the bar at 2:00.
33
00:02:59,292 --> 00:03:02,352
Then we got this big group
of Japanese bankers came in.
34
00:03:02,529 --> 00:03:05,020
And all they want
is these big flaming drinks.
35
00:03:05,098 --> 00:03:07,532
Then one of them got sick and...
36
00:03:15,442 --> 00:03:16,932
Never mind.
37
00:03:18,345 --> 00:03:21,803
Everything was great about Steve
except for one thing.
38
00:03:25,285 --> 00:03:26,547
Morning.
39
00:03:28,989 --> 00:03:30,286
Morning.
40
00:03:30,957 --> 00:03:33,050
Come here.
41
00:03:34,261 --> 00:03:36,559
They had completely opposite schedules.
42
00:03:36,630 --> 00:03:39,224
Steve had all the time in the world
in the morning.
43
00:03:39,299 --> 00:03:42,894
Miranda got right up at 7: 00.
Unfortunately, Steve did, too.
44
00:03:43,003 --> 00:03:45,699
- I have to go to work.
- Not yet.
45
00:03:45,839 --> 00:03:48,399
The only thing she liked inside her
in the morning...
46
00:03:48,475 --> 00:03:51,774
...was the cup of take-out coffee
she drank on the way to the subway.
47
00:03:52,345 --> 00:03:54,506
That night, in a bed across town...
48
00:03:54,581 --> 00:03:58,608
...Charlotte was seeing a lot of Mike,
a cute, but feared restaurant critic...
49
00:03:58,685 --> 00:04:01,950
...famous for his patented
five-whisk rating system.
50
00:04:02,122 --> 00:04:03,885
- Mike?
- Yeah?
51
00:04:05,091 --> 00:04:06,718
Let's make love.
52
00:04:07,827 --> 00:04:10,352
You are a five-whisk woman.
53
00:04:10,430 --> 00:04:13,593
But just when Charlotte
had become comfortable with the penis...
54
00:04:13,667 --> 00:04:15,828
...she got a very unexpected surprise.
55
00:04:19,873 --> 00:04:21,397
You're...
56
00:04:21,775 --> 00:04:23,106
It's...
57
00:04:23,643 --> 00:04:26,237
Uncircumcised. Is that okay?
58
00:04:26,446 --> 00:04:28,914
No. Sure.
59
00:04:30,917 --> 00:04:32,407
Of course it is.
60
00:04:32,819 --> 00:04:33,979
It was not okay.
61
00:04:34,321 --> 00:04:37,256
The only uncut version of anything
Charlotte had ever seen...
62
00:04:37,324 --> 00:04:39,792
...was the original Gone with the Wind.
63
00:04:40,327 --> 00:04:43,125
There was so much skin,
it was like a Shar-Pei!
64
00:04:43,196 --> 00:04:46,461
- You've never seen an uncircumcised one?
- I'm from Connecticut!
65
00:04:46,533 --> 00:04:49,058
Reminder: You're dating the guy,
not the penis.
66
00:04:49,135 --> 00:04:51,069
Aesthetics are important to me.
67
00:04:51,137 --> 00:04:54,163
It's not what it looks like,
it's what they can do with it.
68
00:04:54,240 --> 00:04:56,834
I don't need one
that can make its own carrying case!
69
00:04:57,911 --> 00:05:01,005
Personally, I love an uncircumcised dick.
70
00:05:01,348 --> 00:05:02,781
It's like a Tootsie Pop.
71
00:05:02,849 --> 00:05:06,808
Hard on the outside,
with a delicious surprise inside.
72
00:05:06,987 --> 00:05:10,252
I don't like surprises.
I like it all out there where I can see it.
73
00:05:10,624 --> 00:05:12,751
Same here. I'm sorry, it is not normal.
74
00:05:12,826 --> 00:05:15,659
Actually, it is.
Something like 85% aren't circumcised.
75
00:05:16,062 --> 00:05:19,862
- Great, now they're taking over the world!
- It's a penis, not Godzilla.
76
00:05:20,700 --> 00:05:23,100
If 85% aren't circumcised...
77
00:05:23,169 --> 00:05:26,605
...that means I've only slept with
15% of the population, tops.
78
00:05:26,740 --> 00:05:28,401
You're practically a virgin.
79
00:05:28,541 --> 00:05:31,203
You know, he's a nice, Waspy guy.
What went wrong?
80
00:05:31,277 --> 00:05:34,007
Maybe his parents were hippies
and didn't believe in it.
81
00:05:34,114 --> 00:05:38,744
- I am so circumcising my kids.
- I think you can pay people to do that now.
82
00:05:38,985 --> 00:05:43,354
I don't ever wanna know there's a woman
out there calling my son a Shar-Pei.
83
00:05:43,423 --> 00:05:47,359
All I'm saying is, uncut men are the best.
They try harder.
84
00:05:47,761 --> 00:05:50,662
I should know. I've slept with five of them.
85
00:05:50,930 --> 00:05:53,023
- Out of how many?
- Infinity.
86
00:05:54,634 --> 00:05:59,071
That night, Big and I went out
to celebrate absolutely nothing.
87
00:06:00,206 --> 00:06:03,073
- More grappa?
- No, thank ya.
88
00:06:04,811 --> 00:06:07,211
Listen, my editor called me today
and she's...
89
00:06:11,851 --> 00:06:14,445
- You were saying?
- Yes, I was.
90
00:06:15,855 --> 00:06:18,255
Excuse me, you can't smoke that in here.
91
00:06:19,192 --> 00:06:22,684
Really? You're absolutely,
positively sure about that?
92
00:06:23,263 --> 00:06:26,699
Because I checked the zoning
on this particular table...
93
00:06:26,766 --> 00:06:29,758
...and I'm pretty sure this table
is in a cigar-friendly zone.
94
00:06:30,003 --> 00:06:32,699
I don't mind, but it's for the other patrons.
95
00:06:34,641 --> 00:06:38,168
You mean if those five patrons don't mind,
it's okay with you?
96
00:06:38,411 --> 00:06:40,971
- Sir, I'm gonna have to...
- Just one second.
97
00:06:42,615 --> 00:06:45,550
Excuse me, this is my last day on earth.
98
00:06:45,752 --> 00:06:50,416
I'm being executed tomorrow morning.
That's my parole officer there.
99
00:06:50,490 --> 00:06:53,755
Would you mind terribly
if I smoked this, ladies?
100
00:06:54,427 --> 00:06:55,655
Thank you.
101
00:06:56,629 --> 00:07:00,087
Excuse me, I'm sorry.
Would it be okay if I smoked this?
102
00:07:00,166 --> 00:07:05,103
Please, let me preface this by saying:
I'd like to buy everybody a round of drinks.
103
00:07:07,941 --> 00:07:11,342
Apparently, the other patrons
aren't bothered at all.
104
00:07:12,045 --> 00:07:15,845
I didn't have the guts to tell Big
that he was actually kind of bothering me.
105
00:07:15,915 --> 00:07:17,507
They won't tell you the truth.
106
00:07:17,584 --> 00:07:20,417
No one is gonna say to your face
they hate your cigar.
107
00:07:20,487 --> 00:07:21,476
Good.
108
00:07:22,322 --> 00:07:24,756
You are very arrogant.
109
00:07:27,227 --> 00:07:29,695
I thought that's what you liked about me.
110
00:07:30,430 --> 00:07:31,761
Maybe Big was right.
111
00:07:32,265 --> 00:07:35,200
Maybe we were at that inevitable point
in the relationship...
112
00:07:35,268 --> 00:07:39,932
...when the little things you loved
about the person become huge liabilities.
113
00:07:40,006 --> 00:07:43,874
And just then, a huge liability walked by.
114
00:07:48,782 --> 00:07:50,044
What?
115
00:07:52,418 --> 00:07:54,682
I hate that cigar.
116
00:08:00,293 --> 00:08:02,784
And you told me right to my face.
117
00:08:06,633 --> 00:08:08,931
New York City is all about change.
118
00:08:09,002 --> 00:08:11,527
New Yorkers change their haircuts,
their politics...
119
00:08:11,604 --> 00:08:13,868
...even their friends in the blink of an eye.
120
00:08:13,940 --> 00:08:17,137
If change was so easy,
why was it so hard for Big?
121
00:08:18,311 --> 00:08:22,907
Was I banging my head against the wall,
thinking he'd stop and notice me?
122
00:08:22,982 --> 00:08:26,679
Did I have to change my expectations
or was it possible...
123
00:08:27,754 --> 00:08:29,585
Can you change a man?
124
00:08:29,789 --> 00:08:34,021
My husband used to be obsessed
with watching sports 24 hours a day.
125
00:08:34,127 --> 00:08:36,857
Then I started fooling around
with his best friend.
126
00:08:36,930 --> 00:08:39,125
And now he's obsessed with watching me.
127
00:08:39,199 --> 00:08:41,861
Every girlfriend I've had
wants me to change something.
128
00:08:41,935 --> 00:08:44,995
Change your job, change your friends,
change your attitude.
129
00:08:45,071 --> 00:08:47,801
The only thing I ever change is girlfriends.
130
00:08:53,146 --> 00:08:56,582
Meanwhile, Charlotte was about
to discover that some men can change.
131
00:08:56,649 --> 00:08:58,981
Thanks for dinner. It was great.
132
00:09:04,757 --> 00:09:07,055
Can I come upstairs with you?
133
00:09:08,361 --> 00:09:11,262
I have to get up really early,
and my place is just a mess.
134
00:09:11,464 --> 00:09:13,295
Look, I understand.
135
00:09:13,666 --> 00:09:17,124
- You do?
- Yeah, what happened the other night.
136
00:09:17,270 --> 00:09:21,468
You're not the first woman to react to it
that way. I've gotten it most of my life.
137
00:09:21,708 --> 00:09:22,697
Really?
138
00:09:22,775 --> 00:09:25,266
Yeah, and I've decided
to do something about it.
139
00:09:25,845 --> 00:09:30,282
I've been uncomfortable for too long,
so I'm getting circumcised.
140
00:09:35,288 --> 00:09:36,653
Can you do that?
141
00:09:36,823 --> 00:09:40,452
Yeah. I mean, it hurts.
It takes a long time to heal.
142
00:09:40,526 --> 00:09:44,553
But I'm willing to do that.
I want to feel good about making love.
143
00:09:44,797 --> 00:09:47,197
That is so sweet.
144
00:09:48,434 --> 00:09:51,403
- Do you mind waiting?
- No, not at all.
145
00:10:02,315 --> 00:10:04,647
Apparently, Samantha was wrong.
146
00:10:04,951 --> 00:10:07,112
Some men could budge an inch.
147
00:10:07,186 --> 00:10:11,179
In Mike's case, it may have been more like
an inch and a half.
148
00:10:12,825 --> 00:10:16,693
The next morning, Miranda was getting
her usual wake-up call.
149
00:10:25,371 --> 00:10:27,100
Where you going?
150
00:10:28,608 --> 00:10:30,838
- I'm getting up.
- Come on, it's Saturday.
151
00:10:30,910 --> 00:10:33,902
Come on, lay down, slow down.
Come here.
152
00:10:37,650 --> 00:10:39,948
How long are we gonna do this?
153
00:10:42,388 --> 00:10:45,414
- You want a time frame for cuddling?
- Yeah.
154
00:10:45,491 --> 00:10:47,015
Like 20 minutes?
155
00:10:47,527 --> 00:10:48,721
Thirty?
156
00:10:49,228 --> 00:10:50,752
You're kidding me.
157
00:10:51,064 --> 00:10:55,125
It helps if I have an end point in mind.
I respond well to limits.
158
00:10:55,201 --> 00:10:59,729
That's your problem, you got
too many limits. You gotta let go a little.
159
00:10:59,939 --> 00:11:02,874
Look. Saturday is my free day, right?
160
00:11:03,009 --> 00:11:05,443
I have spinning
and then I get my dry cleaning.
161
00:11:05,511 --> 00:11:09,038
Then I get my nails done
and I do my grocery shopping for the week.
162
00:11:09,115 --> 00:11:12,141
- Okay?
- You're not sounding very free to me.
163
00:11:16,022 --> 00:11:18,752
Do you want to come with me
and get my dry cleaning?
164
00:11:18,992 --> 00:11:20,926
No, I didn't think so.
165
00:11:27,266 --> 00:11:29,461
An hour and a half, tops.
166
00:11:31,004 --> 00:11:33,336
Twelve hours later, Steve went to work.
167
00:11:35,508 --> 00:11:38,272
About the same time,
we went out to our favorite bar...
168
00:11:38,344 --> 00:11:41,575
...which on Saturdays changes
into drag queen bingo.
169
00:11:42,148 --> 00:11:44,116
Come on, N-23.
170
00:11:44,350 --> 00:11:47,478
I really like him,
but this morning thing is killing me.
171
00:11:47,553 --> 00:11:49,783
It's bad enough
we've never done it at night.
172
00:11:49,856 --> 00:11:52,848
After we do it in the morning,
he wants to lie there with me.
173
00:11:52,925 --> 00:11:54,984
Everyone wants a guy
who wants to cuddle.
174
00:11:55,428 --> 00:11:56,759
O-33, ladies.
175
00:11:57,630 --> 00:11:58,654
Shit!
176
00:11:58,731 --> 00:12:02,030
I'm jealous. Big won't even spend
the night at my place.
177
00:12:02,168 --> 00:12:05,365
- What you have is real intimacy.
- It's bed arrest.
178
00:12:05,505 --> 00:12:09,498
I've been horizontal all day,
and I had errands to do. I missed spinning.
179
00:12:09,842 --> 00:12:12,072
You don't have to spin if you're having sex.
180
00:12:12,478 --> 00:12:13,945
B-12!
181
00:12:14,013 --> 00:12:17,972
- How about N-23?
- I don't know why I play this, I never win.
182
00:12:18,051 --> 00:12:20,849
Why do I have to be the one
to change my routine?
183
00:12:20,920 --> 00:12:24,686
Maybe because you really like him.
It wouldn't kill you to slow down a little.
184
00:12:24,757 --> 00:12:25,917
Miranda's right.
185
00:12:25,992 --> 00:12:29,018
Why is it the woman who always
has to change and never the guy?
186
00:12:29,262 --> 00:12:32,322
- Because we are more adaptable.
- I love morning sex.
187
00:12:32,398 --> 00:12:37,233
I haven't done morning sex since college
when I didn't have class till 11:00.
188
00:12:37,303 --> 00:12:39,669
Maybe you should
come up with a schedule.
189
00:12:39,739 --> 00:12:42,105
A sex schedule? Very romantic!
190
00:12:42,208 --> 00:12:45,769
Surprise him at the bar wearing nothing
but a trench coat and a smile.
191
00:12:45,845 --> 00:12:47,972
That would be a happy hour.
192
00:12:48,848 --> 00:12:52,944
I think that if you really believe in
the relationship you should work at it.
193
00:12:53,019 --> 00:12:55,544
This from a woman
who dumped a guy over foreskin.
194
00:12:55,621 --> 00:12:57,452
Actually, we're still dating.
195
00:12:57,690 --> 00:13:00,250
- The Shar-Pei?
- He's getting circumcised.
196
00:13:02,995 --> 00:13:06,226
Please tell me
that we're not invited to the Bris.
197
00:13:07,300 --> 00:13:09,928
Can I get another board, please?
198
00:13:11,070 --> 00:13:13,129
- Samantha?
- Yes.
199
00:13:13,473 --> 00:13:15,737
It's me, Brad.
200
00:13:17,043 --> 00:13:18,271
Brad McColskey?
201
00:13:18,511 --> 00:13:20,877
Brad was a semi-professional
hockey player...
202
00:13:20,947 --> 00:13:23,006
...Samantha had dated a few years back.
203
00:13:23,082 --> 00:13:27,109
The only thing he was checking these days
were his pants at the door.
204
00:13:27,186 --> 00:13:30,383
Look at you, Miss Thing.
You look fabulous.
205
00:13:30,857 --> 00:13:33,257
So do you.
206
00:13:34,227 --> 00:13:39,221
- When did you start doing...
- About five years ago, right after you.
207
00:13:41,100 --> 00:13:44,592
Maybe Samantha was wrong.
Apparently, she could change a man.
208
00:13:44,670 --> 00:13:47,468
- How are the kids?
- Good. Jake is in second grade.
209
00:13:47,773 --> 00:13:49,536
Jake has two mommies.
210
00:13:49,609 --> 00:13:52,737
There are other people here
who need boards, Samantha.
211
00:13:52,812 --> 00:13:54,905
Take a chill pill, Miss Saigon!
212
00:13:54,981 --> 00:13:55,970
Samantha?
213
00:13:57,950 --> 00:14:00,919
Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
214
00:14:02,555 --> 00:14:04,785
Gotta go. Enjoy the game.
215
00:14:05,725 --> 00:14:07,192
N-23.
216
00:14:07,560 --> 00:14:08,549
Bingo!
217
00:14:08,661 --> 00:14:11,129
I am so much prettier than him.
218
00:14:14,000 --> 00:14:17,595
Two hours later,
I was supposed to meet Big at his place.
219
00:14:19,005 --> 00:14:21,769
Two and a half hours later, he showed up.
220
00:14:25,978 --> 00:14:27,309
Sorry.
221
00:14:27,446 --> 00:14:31,143
You're a half hour late.
Your doorman thinks I'm a hooker.
222
00:14:31,384 --> 00:14:33,443
- Did you make any money?
- Not funny.
223
00:14:33,519 --> 00:14:36,647
I hate waiting here for you.
224
00:14:37,557 --> 00:14:41,721
There's a coffee shop around the corner
you could have waited in.
225
00:14:42,094 --> 00:14:44,585
- You know what? I'm gonna go.
- Don't be pissed.
226
00:14:44,664 --> 00:14:46,154
I'm pissed.
227
00:14:47,266 --> 00:14:48,631
Come upstairs.
228
00:14:48,701 --> 00:14:53,161
You know, if you gave me a key,
I could wait upstairs next time.
229
00:14:53,639 --> 00:14:54,628
A key?
230
00:14:56,209 --> 00:14:59,736
Or you can stay at my place sometimes.
It's easy to pick my locks.
231
00:14:59,812 --> 00:15:02,212
Yeah, but then I like my bed.
232
00:15:04,617 --> 00:15:06,482
Look at that service.
233
00:15:07,620 --> 00:15:08,917
Come on.
234
00:15:12,158 --> 00:15:16,356
That night, something else changed.
Neither of us wanted to make love.
235
00:15:17,263 --> 00:15:21,529
If this was all I was ever gonna get
out of Big, was it enough for me?
236
00:15:21,601 --> 00:15:25,128
Then at 3... 00 a.m.,
somewhere between sleep and waking...
237
00:15:25,438 --> 00:15:26,871
...I got my answer.
238
00:15:28,107 --> 00:15:30,075
- Dammit!
- What?
239
00:15:31,811 --> 00:15:33,745
- Are you all right?
- No!
240
00:15:33,813 --> 00:15:36,247
- What the fuck?
- My God!
241
00:15:37,683 --> 00:15:40,777
- What the hell was that?
- You knocked me out of bed!
242
00:15:40,853 --> 00:15:43,686
- You didn't even know I was here!
- I do now.
243
00:15:43,756 --> 00:15:46,224
Why don't you break my arm
the next time?
244
00:15:46,359 --> 00:15:48,623
- I'm sorry.
- Jesus!
245
00:15:49,762 --> 00:15:53,027
All right, Sugar Ray, the bed's all yours.
246
00:15:53,366 --> 00:15:55,630
- Where you going?
- To sleep on the couch.
247
00:15:55,701 --> 00:16:00,434
- Wait, would you just let me explain?
- Don't talk now. Bad to talk now.
248
00:16:02,308 --> 00:16:04,173
But I couldn't sleep.
249
00:16:04,410 --> 00:16:08,437
And at 4: 00 a.m.,
I decided he couldn't sleep either.
250
00:16:15,755 --> 00:16:17,882
It's ice for your face.
251
00:16:18,824 --> 00:16:20,849
Yes, I can feel that.
252
00:16:24,530 --> 00:16:27,021
Okay, I know I've lost a little of my power.
253
00:16:27,099 --> 00:16:30,193
I'm pretty sure
that most women's magazines...
254
00:16:30,269 --> 00:16:33,602
...would say that what I just did
was a very bad idea.
255
00:16:34,240 --> 00:16:38,939
But the thing is,
the other night wasn't just about the cigar.
256
00:16:39,845 --> 00:16:41,244
It never is.
257
00:16:43,015 --> 00:16:44,949
I hate that you look at other women.
258
00:16:45,017 --> 00:16:49,283
I hate that I don't have a key to your place.
You've never spent the night at my place.
259
00:16:49,355 --> 00:16:52,415
You can't even make space for me
in your bed.
260
00:16:53,225 --> 00:16:55,921
And it's not your fault
because I never say it.
261
00:16:56,962 --> 00:16:59,863
So now I punched you.
So now I have to say it.
262
00:17:00,966 --> 00:17:03,127
So now I'm gonna say it.
263
00:17:08,307 --> 00:17:14,678
I feel like I'm back in your life
and nothing has really changed.
264
00:17:14,747 --> 00:17:18,877
I know you can't change a man, and you
definitely can't change a man like you.
265
00:17:18,951 --> 00:17:19,940
But...
266
00:17:22,088 --> 00:17:23,783
...I still want...
267
00:17:24,623 --> 00:17:27,456
...something to change a little bit...
268
00:17:28,828 --> 00:17:30,159
...for me.
269
00:17:30,863 --> 00:17:33,627
Physical violence is never the answer.
270
00:17:37,403 --> 00:17:38,802
I'm gonna go.
271
00:17:41,006 --> 00:17:42,940
- Does it hurt?
- Yes.
272
00:17:47,380 --> 00:17:52,079
Look, I'm sure there are things
you don't like about me.
273
00:17:52,218 --> 00:17:54,277
I'm not falling for that one.
274
00:17:57,256 --> 00:18:01,659
That was one thing I liked about Big.
He definitely knew when to shut up.
275
00:18:04,163 --> 00:18:08,293
The next night, Charlotte took Mike out
for a post-operative scotch.
276
00:18:08,367 --> 00:18:09,959
Did it hurt?
277
00:18:11,036 --> 00:18:14,472
On a scale of one to five, I'd give it a 72.
278
00:18:14,907 --> 00:18:17,467
- You poor thing.
- That's all right.
279
00:18:17,543 --> 00:18:21,172
The worst is over.
Now I just accept sympathy and heal.
280
00:18:21,814 --> 00:18:24,408
- For how long?
- About another week or so.
281
00:18:24,483 --> 00:18:27,179
- I can't wait.
- Me either.
282
00:18:28,320 --> 00:18:31,380
God, you really turn me on.
283
00:18:40,466 --> 00:18:42,127
You should go.
284
00:18:46,939 --> 00:18:50,204
Much later that night, bolstered by coffee...
285
00:18:50,276 --> 00:18:53,768
...Miranda decided to perform
a 2:00 a.m. Seduction.
286
00:19:00,052 --> 00:19:01,178
Hello.
287
00:19:01,253 --> 00:19:05,087
Look at you! You look great.
What's the occasion?
288
00:19:05,157 --> 00:19:07,591
It's 2:00 a.m. And I am still awake.
289
00:19:07,660 --> 00:19:11,061
I thought we could celebrate.
I've had five cups of coffee.
290
00:19:11,764 --> 00:19:13,459
That's worth a party.
291
00:19:17,369 --> 00:19:19,997
Meet me in the bedroom. I'll get the wine.
292
00:19:30,115 --> 00:19:32,447
- Get up.
- What?
293
00:19:32,518 --> 00:19:35,419
I think you should spend the night
at your place tonight.
294
00:19:35,488 --> 00:19:38,946
- Why?
- Because I'd like to catch up on my sleep.
295
00:19:39,024 --> 00:19:42,619
I really don't want to worry about
having sex with you in the morning...
296
00:19:42,695 --> 00:19:45,528
...and then just lying there and being late.
297
00:19:47,166 --> 00:19:50,363
- You don't like having sex with me.
- No, I do. I love it.
298
00:19:50,436 --> 00:19:54,099
But once I would like to do it at night,
like other normal Homo sapiens.
299
00:19:54,173 --> 00:19:57,973
- Relax, we can have sex now.
- We can't have sex now!
300
00:19:58,277 --> 00:20:01,075
I had a window,
and it happened half an hour ago!
301
00:20:01,380 --> 00:20:04,907
- You had a window for sex?
- I'm sorry, I'm a lawyer. I get tired.
302
00:20:05,184 --> 00:20:09,985
I'm a bartender and I get awfully tired
of dealing with other people's neuroses.
303
00:20:11,457 --> 00:20:14,756
When you get, you know...
304
00:20:15,528 --> 00:20:18,759
...a picture window,
or a whole doorway of time...
305
00:20:20,466 --> 00:20:21,899
...call me.
306
00:20:25,337 --> 00:20:29,296
Miranda had never felt less like
a successful lawyer in her life.
307
00:20:30,709 --> 00:20:35,203
Even though she'd won her case,
she'd also been left with all the damages.
308
00:20:36,415 --> 00:20:41,045
A week later, Charlotte finally got her
chance to break in the new merchandise.
309
00:20:43,322 --> 00:20:44,880
What do you think?
310
00:20:45,824 --> 00:20:47,052
It's perfect.
311
00:20:47,159 --> 00:20:50,526
It was like her birthday and Christmas
rolled into one.
312
00:20:50,663 --> 00:20:53,154
You realize this makes me a virgin.
313
00:20:55,034 --> 00:20:56,592
I'll be gentle.
314
00:21:05,110 --> 00:21:06,975
That was really wonderful.
315
00:21:07,112 --> 00:21:09,273
It was. A five.
316
00:21:13,419 --> 00:21:15,580
So what do you want to do
Saturday night?
317
00:21:15,654 --> 00:21:18,088
Saturday? Did we have plans?
318
00:21:18,424 --> 00:21:22,258
No, but I thought maybe
we could go to this drama league benefit...
319
00:21:22,394 --> 00:21:26,854
...or we could, you know,
go low-key and stay in and rent videos.
320
00:21:28,601 --> 00:21:30,296
Hang on, listen.
321
00:21:31,170 --> 00:21:35,004
I don't think I'm ready for this to be,
you know, like a big thing.
322
00:21:37,343 --> 00:21:38,571
A big thing?
323
00:21:39,912 --> 00:21:42,972
I just feel like I can't be
tied down right now.
324
00:21:43,349 --> 00:21:47,217
There's a whole new me happening.
I should get out there and share it.
325
00:21:49,321 --> 00:21:51,312
You want to share your penis?
326
00:21:51,890 --> 00:21:53,152
Well...
327
00:21:54,093 --> 00:21:55,390
...yeah.
328
00:21:56,228 --> 00:22:01,325
I feel like I owe it to myself to take the
doggie out for a walk around the block...
329
00:22:02,101 --> 00:22:03,329
...you know?
330
00:22:03,402 --> 00:22:05,597
Charlotte never saw Mike again.
331
00:22:05,671 --> 00:22:08,663
She realized you can take
the Shar-Pei out of the penis...
332
00:22:08,741 --> 00:22:11,767
...but you could never take
the dog out of the man.
333
00:22:12,711 --> 00:22:15,976
A few days later,
I realized you could change a man.
334
00:22:16,048 --> 00:22:18,881
You could change him into not calling you.
335
00:22:25,791 --> 00:22:26,815
Hi.
336
00:22:28,460 --> 00:22:29,927
Look at that.
337
00:22:30,429 --> 00:22:32,727
No, you look at it. I've seen it already.
338
00:22:33,632 --> 00:22:35,065
Sorry.
339
00:22:36,702 --> 00:22:39,102
Easy, no hands near the face.
340
00:22:41,674 --> 00:22:42,732
Come in.
341
00:22:44,309 --> 00:22:46,800
I just came over to tell you something.
342
00:22:48,547 --> 00:22:50,310
You're suing me, right?
343
00:22:54,053 --> 00:22:58,353
Look, maybe you need a key to know
that I'm crazy about you.
344
00:22:59,425 --> 00:23:02,883
But the thing is,
I've given out, like, five keys...
345
00:23:04,430 --> 00:23:06,523
...and you never get 'em back.
346
00:23:07,132 --> 00:23:09,726
And maybe I hog my bed.
347
00:23:09,802 --> 00:23:14,171
But it's my bed and I like you in it.
348
00:23:16,375 --> 00:23:19,310
- I should hit you more often.
- And the oranges.
349
00:23:19,378 --> 00:23:21,642
- What?
- The oranges have to go.
350
00:23:21,780 --> 00:23:24,305
This is something I don't like about you.
351
00:23:24,383 --> 00:23:27,648
- I hate that you eat oranges in my bed.
- You do?
352
00:23:28,520 --> 00:23:30,784
They're sticky
and they make the sheets stink.
353
00:23:31,023 --> 00:23:33,491
- That's it?
- I like my sheets.
354
00:23:34,927 --> 00:23:37,088
What are you gonna give me
for the oranges?
355
00:23:37,362 --> 00:23:39,262
- A negotiation?
- Yep.
356
00:23:40,299 --> 00:23:43,462
- This could take a while.
- It could.
357
00:23:47,239 --> 00:23:49,503
It looks like I may have to spend the night.
358
00:23:50,743 --> 00:23:55,442
That night, for the first time,
Big spent the night at my place.
359
00:23:57,149 --> 00:24:00,482
I realized that neither of us
would ever fundamentally change...
360
00:24:00,519 --> 00:24:02,214
...but we were talking about it.
361
00:24:02,287 --> 00:24:05,188
And maybe that was
the biggest change of all.
362
00:24:06,325 --> 00:24:10,386
The next day my sheets stunk of cigars.
I changed them immediately.
363
00:24:12,264 --> 00:24:16,860
Across town, it was 2:00 a.m.
And Miranda was no closer to sleeping.
364
00:24:23,642 --> 00:24:25,337
- Hello.
- Heyl
365
00:24:29,214 --> 00:24:30,203
Hi.
366
00:24:31,049 --> 00:24:32,573
Sorry to wake you.
367
00:24:32,718 --> 00:24:34,743
It's okay, I was awake.
368
00:24:35,053 --> 00:24:37,214
Look, I don't wanna bug you.
369
00:24:37,956 --> 00:24:41,323
Do me a favor. Go to the window.
370
00:24:45,297 --> 00:24:46,321
Okay.
371
00:24:47,099 --> 00:24:48,691
Now look up.
372
00:24:50,068 --> 00:24:51,763
My God.
373
00:24:52,504 --> 00:24:54,131
It's amazing, isn't it?
374
00:24:55,040 --> 00:24:58,339
It's a blue moon. It's really rare.
375
00:24:58,911 --> 00:25:01,004
I just wanted you to see it.
376
00:25:01,079 --> 00:25:04,276
It was right then,
that Miranda finally slowed down...
377
00:25:04,349 --> 00:25:06,180
...and gave into Steve.
378
00:25:06,952 --> 00:25:09,182
Come over when you're done, okay?
379
00:25:10,522 --> 00:25:11,511
Yeah.
380
00:25:13,458 --> 00:25:14,755
Night.
381
00:25:15,694 --> 00:25:18,925
That night, Miranda and Steve made love.
382
00:25:19,965 --> 00:25:22,195
And they did it again in the morning.
383
00:25:22,568 --> 00:25:25,731
Miranda was an hour late for work
and didn't even notice.
384
00:25:26,171 --> 00:25:28,332
So maybe you can't change a man...
385
00:25:28,440 --> 00:25:31,739
...but once in a blue moon,
you can change a woman.
386
00:25:34,000 --> 00:25:41,000
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387
00:25:51,000 --> 00:26:56,000
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